#help I am so tired. I can’t do it anymore I just can’t
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“i hate you.”
“fuck off.”
“get out of my house.”
you look over your shoulder, apron on as you cut vegetables on his chopping board. your glare makes reiner weak — weak enough to finally draw his attention to the floorboards and clench his fists.
“shut up and sit down, dinner will be ready soon, you idiot.” you scoff, furrowed brows are you loudly chop up some carrots.
he knows you don’t mean anything you say, and neither does he. when you don’t hear him sit down, you eventually sigh and shake your head, placing the knife on the bench.
“look, reiner, you need to just… just trust me, okay?” you huff out, obviously tired from your ongoing argument with him. it had been hours, and all reiner can muster up is some sad excuse to try and make you leave. “what is going on with you, huh? why are you all of a sudden acting so hostile?”
“you were being rude to me first.” he scoffs, crossed arms as he leans against the back of the couch. his eyes are still trained on the floor, “yelled at me as soon as i walked into the house.”
“because you fuckin’—” you stop yourself short before wiping your face and continuing your work, “you came home after hours of silence. didn’t even tell me where you were going… how am i supposed to act?”
sometimes, you didn’t understand your boyfriend.
you were one of the only other people that marley had sent to do recon on paradis. zeke gave you all the information you needed to know before sending you off. at the time, you were both 17-years-old and just happy to see each other. you were dear friends, until zeke sent you a letter to come back and reiner made the move to kiss you ’goodbye’. he promised he would come back to you.
maybe he was lying, because he had been out in the town for hours without any notice. you resorted to even asking porco what was going on, and he just shrugged it off. you thought, he had to come home at some point, right?
right you were. he walked into his house 30 minutes after you started prepping dinner.
“i don’t want you here anymore.” he says, knitted brows. this place has been his for a while, you only moved in upon his request. “i… i don’t know how to explain it to you, y/n, i just… i would feel so much better if i was alone.”
“so what, you can wallow in self-pity for the rest of your life?” you retort, now washing the chopping board, “i don’t want you here alone, reiner.”
“it’s my house.”
“you’re my boyfriend.”
“so what?”
“are you serious?” you scoff, dropping the board into the sink and turning to him. your wet hands press against your biceps as you cross your arms over your chest. “reiner, what has gotten into you?”
when you land your gaze on him, reiner is holding his head in both his hands, covering his eyes and tears stream down his face silently. you are quiet as well as you drop your hands, quietly sighing through your nose. your footsteps towards him don’t make him flinch, and he stays still.
you try not to take anything he says to heart because you know how little he means it. he’s just scared. but he can’t say it out loud. instead, he throws out excuses and stuff to make you upset and leave. it hurt that he would do such a thing, but you loved him. reiner was yours.
your bring your arms closely around his waist, resting your hand between his shoulders. “it’s okay.” you whisper, allowing him to finally crumble in your arms and cry out loud, “you’re okay.”
how many years does he have left? how could you continue to love him after he told you what happened on paradis? why would you stay? to torment him? to punish him for his sins?
he sits down on the back of the couch and you slip passed his knees to hug him tighter. your fingers brush through his blonde hair, and you kiss his jaw softly. reiner can’t help but let you hold him, you were the kindest touch he has ever known. and what could he do without you?
“please leave me.” he whimpers out, still covering his face.
your heart aches at his request, but you only hug him closer to you. “don’t be silly, reiner.” you mumble, lips against his cheekbone.
he’s pleading you at this point. but you don’t let go.
“i’m with you ‘til the end.”
that’s what he’s afraid of.
#reiner braun#reiner braun x reader#reiner#reiner x reader#attack on titan#attack on titan x reader#aot#aot x reader
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Can God translate me. Just for like 3-5 business days. I just need a little break—I’ll come back I promise.
#al speaks#lds things#help I am so tired. I can’t do it anymore I just can’t#it’s too much. it’s all too much.#it’s fine it’s not like I have to miss my mission reunion tomorrow cuz no one can take my shift cuz we are all overworked#that’s fine I didn’t even want to go to that anyways. it’s not like it would have been nice to see my mission president and his wife#who live in the uk and are coming to the us for this. no that’s fine#also chill that I probably have to cancell on my friends on seeing the new dnd movie Saturday night cuz of other things. that’s chill too#I love never hanging out with my friends it rocks#oh I can’t go home to see my family Easter weekend cuz I work? welp luckily I don’t miss them and have a weird homesickness I’ve never felt#before plus a really weird and new anxiety that my dad is going to die. dunno what that’s about#anyways tried to go to bed at ten tonight cuz I’m so tired. three hours later and I’m here. I have spiraled three difeeebt times#this is cool I didn’t want or need the sleep anyways. I don’t have a paper due Saturday that I thought was in two weeks cuz I’m an idiot#also I’m not at all stressed out about money especially after paying my roommate over one thousand buckarinos to fix a scratch I gave her ca#r this is all cool and fine and awesome#but seriously tho god. hit me up. I know I gotta come back but I could seriously just use a couple days
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me after attempting to get back into sims and realizing i had a lot more to do than play the game
#hi everyone#I’m going around hugging you all#okay now that we are gathered here today#i will simply acknowledge that i have been gone for a very long time and then also acknowledge that maybe it was for the best#i relied on sims to be my only creative activity even if i tried to write a book at the same time#and also. i prioritized sims over real life responsibilities. that’s just a deadly combination lol#but I recently noticed I just replaced sims with Netflix. with YouTube. with anything that gave me quick dopamine#literally became addicted in a sense. still am but I’ve been cut cold turkey from most everything#I get off work and go. okay I’ve done the dishes and the laundry……..I could read or write or bake….#I try to write and sometimes i get a good hour#then I read for a few hours and then get tired of it#and I made cookies Tuesday so I’m waiting for those to be gone before baking again#I’m just so pitiful that I feel BORED and don’t know what to do#so I said….. okay what if I do sims for an hour.#I downloaded some new cc Tuesday and tried to play yesterday#y’all ……………….. I can’t find the energy anymore to set up elaborate scenes and pose my sims and plan posts#I said wow… this is boring without my intervention and fake story#I said wow…….. all this for what? for tumblr? yes I created cool things and provided joy. but is that inherintly important compared to my#own joy? my own everyday activities I should be doing?#y’all I do not leave the house unless we got out to eat or shop or travel to our parents#.. I have little desire to. I’m trying to find that desire#but my husband is busy with grad school and work and I don’t want to do anything by myself#I’ve found myself in one heck of a slump#I didn’t want to be human for awhile. just had no desires no interests no ambitions#I was slacking off SO HARD at work. I just had no drive to do well#I’m still working on it. I’m still trying to get caught up. I’m still trying to force myself to move every day.#but I am struggling y’all. and I can tell you that sims… sims isn’t helping rn but I want it to so bad. I want to get back into it#I didn’t mean to disappear on everyone. I got married and then life got busy and then I fell into this hole of nothing#I didn’t even WANT to crawl my way out. but my husband has helped a lot. I feel like such a child!!!!#I reached max tags. 🙃 bye love you all. till next time
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long winded rant in the tags coming that’s partly about weight but in a very unfiltered sad way so if that triggers you do Not read on
#on holiday I was like oHHHHH this is what living in the moment is! What listening to your body is! what not worrying about how you look is#but doing what makes you happy#and then …… I came home and got sent the pictures#+ my friend being. unintentionally fatphobic as fuck#while hurtful as fuck too#and it’s all just been piling up too since I got home because I’ve been having a lot of conversations and seeing a lot of people that#confront me with who I used to be and who I am now and how I’m really not happy with that#and it feels like it’s not gonna get better#like I’m destined to be in a job I like but isn’t what I want because I’m not capable enough and I’ll never know what romantic requited love#feels like. I’ll never cure my vaginismus I’ll never be able to let someone in or they won’t want me this is just it for me#and SOMEHOW the way I look has become the ultimate culmination of all those things?#my face is suddenly a woman in her thirties face#I keep gaining weight despite not even eating all that much because FUCKING PCOS makes it impossible#my hair in my face grew back. my stomach is hairy and that plus the added beer belly just makes it look like I’m a 50 year old man#I am soooooooo tired of the dysphoria#and the way pcos ruins fucking everything because I can restrict calories all I want and move all I want but will it help ? No !#and of the fact that it impacts the way I feel about myself so much because I’m convinced now I’ll never find anyone#should have tried harder when I was 21 because that was the only time in my life I reasonably fit society’s standards like That was my shot#I’ve been taking supplements everyone says will help but I’m not sure I noticed anything in the past six months and I can’t take berberine#because it fucks with my heart medication. which. That too. I have that too#and I’m in pain! All the time now! ALL THE TIME so I can’t even work out to keep the weight stable because guess what ?#just after a normal day at the office I come home and have to lie down because everhthing hurts so much !#today I got an impromptu massage in an attempt to feel better but it didn’t fix shit and I had to buy clothes for kings day after#and I didn’t try them on just quickly grabbed some orange shit to try on at home and at what I saw in the mirror I genuinely got nauseous#I just don’t know who that is in the mirror but it’s not me and I can’t accept it. I’ve been trying so hard but I can’t#it genuinely makes me so sad and I keep telling myself that a reduction will help in feeling more like myself and it will help with the pain#but what if it doesn’t? what if my pain doesn’t go away after af all and my stomach just juts out and I feel like a gremlin all the time#what then. what the fuck do we do then. also I’m so fucking scared of that surgery anyway that I don’t fucking want to do it anymore#I want so many things and all of them feel out of reach and I know my own brain is my worst enemy and it’s not rooted in anything real but.#Isn’t it? really — isn’t it???????
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Fallout New Crashes
#this is a post of rage hurt and betrayal that is not quantifiable#Bethany Estha Oobleck are developers that love toying with my emotions like I’m a wind up Easter toy#twisting my key until it’s a struggle even for them but they don’t stop#not until they can’t turn anymore but they do not set me down when they let go#they hold me just above it so close my little plastic feet just barely scrap the floor#incessant the sound is scrapping as all the wound up energy is exerted#as I run in the water swim in the air all meaning I go no where#and just then I dropped and I teeter but I do not fall I run as far as I can with whatever is left#but there isn’t much progress there never is#an inch or so is made as my key stops and my legs do as well not tired but unable to move until wound again#and they do and the cycle repeats and by the time I run#a plastic wobble all the way there I can only ask if it was worth it#if letting them play with me like I was the game was worth seeing the screen of my pip boy again#helping Boone settle his loathing and Arcade come to terms#Cass look to the future and Veronica to make her own#Raul find new purpose and Lily to make up her mind or keep it#to save Rex and Ede to improve the Mojave#and I say yes it is#and then I am picked up and carried back for it will begin again#if you can’t tell my game keeps crashing for some reason today and I can’t figure out why with every mod and guide known to man#and it’s making me deranged cause it’s all I wanted to do toady and night#fallout#fallout new vegas
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i’m so tired of being me. i’m so tired of feeling depressed and like nothing is ever going to work out and it won’t work out because i can’t even push myself to try. i wish i could just try. i wish i had the motivation and drive and enough want to just. do anything
#b.txt#I get out of bed and eat and that’s all I can ever get myself to do#I don’t know how to do anything else anymore#I’m so tired of it#but I don’t know how to stop it#I’m so tired of being this way#why am I like this#I’m so tired of being like this#i dont even think I’m worthy of getting help#I’ve tried so many times to ask for help and I’ve never been given it#and I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even want to give it to myself#I’m tired#idk where this has come from I just suddenly feel very. helpless#like it can’t get better#I’ve been in this cycle for months#and I’m still here#what’s the point#I’ve never seemed to see the point in trying
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i don’t think I’m like actually allowed to be happy or that I even know how to be anymore
#whimsy whispers#this isn’t me asking for permission to be happy by the way#it doesn’t matter if everyone in the world told me I was allowed to be happy I wouldn’t believe them and it wouldn’t make me like able to#suddenly be happy either#idk this post hasn’t got a point#everything just feels bad and hopeless and sad and idk what to do anymore when existing sucks so much and I know I’m never going to be happy#I just feel like I’m being suffocated or drowning or something#rn is actually a better day because I feel fairly empty which is far preferred for being in tears#like I just don’t know what to do at this point I feel so unhappy and unloved and alone and there’s nothing I can do#I can’t just fix anything I can’t just be happy I can’t make myself be loved I can’t do anything#all I can do is let each day pass by either feeling like it’s the end of the world and wishing that it really were or feeling empty#there’s no relief#it’s not that i want to be like this but I can’t help it#I want to be happy and loved and surrounded by people who love me but as I am I’m unfit for love and I honestly haven’t felt genuinely loved#I’m so long and at this point all I’m doing is making those around me feel worse so isn’t it best if I just stop being in peoples lives#so that’s what I’m up to now#I’ll be unhappy regardless but at least other people will hopefully be happier without me being so sad around them all the time#I make myself tired so I can only imagine how tired everyone else is of me
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(vent cw sorry i ran out of room in the tags to say that. it’s illness-related anger as usual. content warning for medical everything)
im so fucking sick though. just in general
#and i am so tired of people acting like they know my experiences better than i do#stayed home from school today falling behind in everything couldn’t fcuking get out of bed and my dad said that yesterday my energy was up#so i’m obviously faking it today. like yeah yesterday i laid in bed for hours then came to your house and sat in a chair. saw me for 30min#you don’t get to tell me that yesterday i was feeling well because i fucking wasn’t and you have never noticed or cared#when i fucking passed out got a black eye from hitting my head on the way down. he didn’t fucking bat an eye#now i’m stuck awake because i have stomach pain and my heart has been pounding so loud for hours#and i’m trying to sleep and i need to make it to school tomorrow but i can’t#and i’ve been trying and i’ve been lying awake. and at this point i don’t know how to deal with this anymore#i get sick three times a month you’re supposed to be sick three times a year. this isn’t even counting days where i can’t stand#when i say i’m sick i mean i have sore throat congestion and sometimes fever. and it’s almost always a direct result of trying to live life#like i went to the mall thursday prom shopping. walked a few hours. woke up next morning sore throat runny nose couldnt focus on school from#all the pain in so many places and all of my regular symptoms just being escalated so badly. cant think can’t see cant stand#and that is messed up!!!! that is messed up!!!! and my mother tells me she finally agrees i need anxiety medicine#like hey thanks!! that’s helpful!! however!! why do you only endorse mental when it’s the only alternative to physical#why has my mom always denied viewing my anxiety as anything i shouldn’t just push aside. until it becomes a way to tell me that my physical#problems should also just be pushed aside. why is it so hard to get an audience with a doctor#ANYWAYS i have my stupid follow up appointment. this friday. i dont know how it’s gonna go down#i’m just going to tell the doctor how much it fucking sucks. i guess i’m going to ask for a referral to a neurology specialist in the cities#which will drive my family insane they don’t want to enter the cities to help me. but our clinic doesn’t have what i need#i might get the doctor to do a stress test on friday though if they can do that. but i want specific autonomic testing#and like yeah. i get that anxiety is in the autonomic system. part of fight flight freeze and what EVER i’m not trying to say it’s not!!!!#but does it occur to anyone that my heightened anxiety is one of several symptoms. rather than somehow being the cause#heart rate in panic attack sitting down is 120bpm. heart rate in normal brain walking down the hallway is 140bpm. it’s not my fucking brain#anyway i just need a doctor to actually fucking look at me. actually do the tests actually monitor. because it’s there if you look#but nobody cares enough to look and i just have to sit here falling behind in all my classes and not able to do my job that i love#and just wait for it to somehow get better when i’ve been like this as long as i can remember and maybe it’s worse now but it’s always been#there and everybody writes it off as me being lazy or not putting in enough work and maybe i would have been in sports as a kid if i could!!#people act like my fitness now is because of choices i made as a child but i have ALWAYS had worse reaction to exercise than my friends#and anyway i just. idk. sore throat and stuff is gone now but overall discomfort and disability is not. but i’m going to school cause i cant#keep missing it for health reasons just have to watch my heart go insane and do nothing. out of tags i’m sorry. i’m just so tired.
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.😎
#not me on my phone in the dark when i kinda have a lowkey headache 🤡 good decisions lol#we love this cold and we love getting my period along w this cold 🥳#i keep coughing and spurting out blood so fun lmao#and i do be coughing a lot today 😌#bro i need to stop lmfao i think it’ll be so funny if someone asks what everyone got for chrismas in whatever context#bc we don’t rly celebrate anymore (i mean rly like not at all anymore lol)#so this yr i’ll just be like i got a cold from my brother 🥰🥳#i am not making it better by staying on my phone rn when most of my days are on a screen anyway lol#anddbdhjedsjsjn i feel like i had something else i wanted to complain i mean talk about but idk 🤪#i have design/ated survivor just like stuck in my head but it’s a tv show lmfao but anyway#it’s rly distracting from trying to go to slee :[ )8#idk what happened there i’m on my phone lol *(i’ve been going to sleep so early is crazy lmfao)#hehe a friend texting me merry crisis at 11:47 pm slay#jeanne talks#i also just like can’t breathe thru my nose at all today :[ which is helping me sleep lmao#or maybe i actuallly got too much sleep and i’m not sick enough to be tired anymore lmfao
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Literally NEED my job to send my contract through so I can find out how much I’ll actually be earning and budget for rent and stuff because my god if I don’t move out I’m going to [redacted]
#like tell me why my mom is constantly like ‘oh you don’t need to move out! it’s not urgent’ and talks as if i’ll be living here forever#like yes i do. yes i do need to move out if you want both of us to continue living#on maslow’s hierarchy of needs you can scrub out literally every other need and replace it with MOVE OUT#i am. so tired. of this place#literally the only good thing here is mabel and i can’t even bring her with#but it’s still worth it i’m sorry girl. i’ll visit#like this place is so toxic to my mental health and i really need to light a fire under my ass and get moving otherwise i will still#be rotting here for god knows how long. and one of the things that was holding me back was that i was like ‘but what if i save enough for a#deposit on a house’ girl NO ONE DOES THAT ANYMORE!!!#aspire to long term rent like a normal young millennial!! GET OUT#i need to light a fire under my ass. i’ve got the job and that’s a start. i need to narrow down a range of areas i could move into#so basically 1) the town where my job is or 2) one of about 3 major towns that have train stations#if i am within say 1 mile of the train station i am okay#i’m not budgeting for a car. i’m just. i’m not. that will schew all my figures#do estate agents ever help you find houses? or do you just have to use their search engines and put in an application yourself#like could i call them and be like ‘hey i need approximately this; i am this; and my budget is this. help?’#i don’t think i’ll have That many problems finding somewhere. like i’m a landlord’s dream. i’m single; no kids; no pets (as stated; leaving#mabel with my mom); don’t drink and don’t smoke. i’m boring and clean and i’m neurotic so i will pay rent on time#it’s just finding something that fits my criteria and my budget and doesn’t have black mold or faulty wiring or mice or a creepy man#tl;dr anyone need a roommate. because uh. help#personal#rant
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lately I haven’t been able to get more than 2-4 hours a sleep a day more or less, and almost always in 2-hour intervals. and I’m really starting to wonder when my health is going to start going downhill because I feel like it has to pretty soon
#kibumblabs#i stayed up for almost 30 hours yesterday trying to just wait it out so I could go to bed at a normalish time and feel so tired I’d actually#sleep. but. even after all that I only slept for like two hours#then maybe another hour or two in a few hours but overall yeah not much#i can’t seem to sleep anymore if it’s not in 2 hour (ish) intervals and it’s seriously fucking me up immensely#i have no sleep schedule at all anymore- not a bad one I mean literally there is Not one– and my circadian rhythm is absolutely out of wack#and yeah I’m surprised I haven’t idk. started randomly fainting or something I don’t know#i did get a migraine last week#anyway yeah im. definitely okay#it doesn’t help that I have no friends and nothing in life really that I look forward to doing so. yeah#I’m incredibly isolated and I just make it worse myself for no reason all the time by distancing myself even more from everyone#again for no good reason#i am. fine
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I have started to accept I am a bit more (re a lot more) psychologically unstable than I thought for a long time and man…. I’m tired of it
#I was in a relatively good mood today#work hasn’t been too bad and I get two days off starting tomorrow#(it’s rare for me to get consecutive days so I’m excited!)#plus my time off request for a weekend in may got approved and I’m super excited for the plans that are happening on that weekend#and then my roommate messaged me bitching about my cat and now I’m spiraling#hate everything hate myself anxiety levels skyrocketed feeling the intense need to upend/annihilate my entire life and start from scratch#questioning anyone who has ever said they care about me etc etc etc and it’s like wow! because of one vague text message!#this is not a normal response haha! and now that I’m aware of that#I’ve become a lot more intensely aware that these insane mood drops actually happen quite frequently for me#issue is to do anything about this I need to see a psychologist (which I’m trying to work on anyways)#but the only diagnosis I have is for adhd and idk how to go into psychiatric care like#PLEASE PUT ME ON MEDS PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PUT ME ON DRUGS AND I DONT MEAN LIKE 10 MILIGRAMS OF PROZAC TYPE SHIT#GIVE ME MOOD STABILIZERS OR AN ANTIPSYCHOTIC OR SOMETHING I AM BEGGINGGGGG I CANT FUNCTION LIKE THIS ANYMORE#I’m also mildly concerned (being afab) that if I go in pursing certain diagnoses I’ll get slapped with a bpd diagnosis#(and obviously I don’t mean that in the sense of bpd bad or I could NEVER have bpd or anything like that)#(I just mean I really don’t think I have bpd and I don’t want to be approached from the angle of needing treatment for that cuz I don’t#think it will help. if I have ANY cluster b disorder it’s def aspd lol. lmao.)#but. yeahhhhhhhhh. I’m tired of this and I’m tired of having no treatment and being in medicated#I’m tired of pretending I can function like this forever cuz obviously I can’t lol#and eventually (probably soon) it’s gonna burn me out and I’m gonna crash so hard and uh. bad things are gonna happen 😭#kaz rambles
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they should invent a version of being disabled in your early twenties that isn’t so lonely
#i’m tired and sad and definitely moping a little too much rn but#i am quite literally wasting away while everyone else just gets to move on with their lives and i’m just. stuck.#and no matter how much i beg for help it’s like no one (see: my family) can fucking hear me#and so it’s just on me to take care of myself but#i quite literally can’t#i literally can’t even feed myself to the point that none of my clothes fit me anymore#and over and over again my mom tells me she’ll help and then she just#doesn’t#and idk what to do anymore!#this isn’t how i want to spend my 20s#or the rest of my life for that matter#it’s been 15 years of chronic pain and i’m tired!#and i just feel. alone!#ked rambles
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i think i’ve reached my breaking point
#i think maybe i already passed it and was just in. a lot of denial#i know how badly i need help. i know how badly i’m doing. i know i’m not getting things done. i know i’m keeping everyone out. i know i’m#giving up. but it is. so hard to get help HDJDHDH there is way too much shame and effort and energy it requires#and i just don’t. have any of it left. and i’m so tired. and i hate myself so much. and i can’t even think of a single redeemable feature#inside ot out or anywhere and i’m just. i don’t know what i can do or should do but everything is so hard. all the time. and i’m not even#draggung through anymore i am entirely stuck. i keep failing courses and graduation keeps getting delayed. and i can’t fo anything. and i’m#so scared but i’m also closer to tryly and genuinely giving up than i ever have veen before#and before i use d yo feel like there were two lose lose routes i coudl take but therr was partial joy in both. but now im at a pointwhere#have failed enough and failed repeatedly enough that i cant even. get to yhose situations. and theres just#more than anything there’s so much shame. i don’t know what yo do with muself anymore. im luinh all the time to everyone and i hatemhysemf#so mych. im so so so disgustedwith myself and i dknt know what to do#like i always kbew i was the weak type but seeing it in action is just. i dontknow who i am anymore#neg#mano.mindtalk#i feelbad that i come on gete and say shit i should ve telling a therapist but i cannot affordthat shit and i refuseto spew this. seeage of#a brain onto my friends#alsolike. i know fullwell i am. so secerely mentally ill lmfoajim a fucking psychollgu major i know my braib is fucked but i cant do shitabo#ut it and its so. frustrating. but i also have no excuseto be the way i am everyone caressos much everyone is so careful butwhenever i tryyo#get help it doestn work nothing changes and its so. frustratingand tiring like im really just so tired
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Someone was trying to organize a boycott
They said to boycott things like Pizza Hut and instead go to Taco Bell (there was a lot more like it but this is the exact thing that cause what happened to happen)
So I went hey Taco Bell and Pizza Hut are owned by a monopoly they both support Israel you can’t do either or here and with many others you are saying
One person called me an idiot saying they can’t be a monopoly because that’s illegal their just both popular
Another heavily implied I was a Zionist terrorist because my proper grammar came off as pessimistic
Everyone else was in agreement with those two or with me it was a pretty even split of the three
So yeah I give up right now
I know the world is ending but every time I try to do anything to help I get yelled at so fuck it
Yes the world is ending
Yes I care
No I don’t have the mental capacity to worry about it and then get yelled at because I’m not worrying about it the “right” way
Just fuck everything
#if anyone comes after me I just blocking them#I just literally don’t care anymore#fuck it#i swear to fucking god#the world is ending#so let’s yell at each other because you aren’t trying to save it the way I am#fucking idiots#congratulations I don’t care anymore#I will just focus on my small part#and if I see someone else fucking if there part then I’m just letting them suffer#that’s not true#I do still care#I’m just tired#and I can’t keep doing this where I am helping#and I’m encouraging people to do their own research and make their own judgements#and then get yelled at because I’m not brainwashing them to be exactly like the other side but with my opinions#FUCKING HATE IT
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#vent#vent post#cw vent#cw vent post#i wanna vent but. i don’t even know what to say#maybe i’ll just go write something instead. like. fiction. a story.#get the pain out by putting it into a story instead.#it worked with Paralyzed. and it seemed to be appreciated by/helpful to a number of other people as well. maybe it’ll work again#don’t know if i can though. brain just wants to clock out for the rest of the day#but i can’t vent abt this here cause i do that enough already and it just makes people feel sorry for me#i appreciate the concern i just. i don’t want to drag anyone else down anymore#i’m the way that i am because other people couldn’t keep their trauma to their selves. or deal with it in appropriate ways#so maybe i’m not any better than them if i keep subjecting people to all my negative emotions every time i’m upset#like. where does the cycle end. i feel like a container that people keep dumping their life’s waste in and i just have to. hold onto it#because if i go and dump it somewhere else then it’s just someone else’s problem to clean up#what do i do with it all though. it’s making me sick.#how do i process it and purify it into something that can safely be put back into the world when i feel like i’m going to explode#i’m just so tired of the yelling. how loud can a humans voice even get jesus fucking christ#i don’t know why it’s so terrifying. they’re just words. i mean they’re not. they’re not baseless threats. ive learned that from experience#anyways i’m sharing too much again. i gotta stop mentioning so many specifics on this blog cause one day someone irl will find it#and ohhhhhh the fallout that would cause! terrifying#so i should. choose my words more carefully and be a bit less specific in these vent posts going forward#anyways. today was going great until i got triggered pretty badly again so. i guess i can kids the rest of my plans goodbye for today#i’ve been productive for 12 hours now though so. good enough i guess.#still really wanted to be able to enjoy my evening and be Social but i don’t think i can anymore. i’ll try again tomorrow#i did manage to pack the work i had planned for the next three days all into today though so that’s good.#helps free up a bit of my packed schedule for the rest of this month. hopefully i’ll be able to make good use of the extra time#but knowing myself i might just squander it on something unhealthy and self-indulgent#whadaya want from me im just a tired little creature trying to survive in a harsh environment#so sometimes doing my best is ignoring everything and sitting alone in the dark eating pasta while watching ppl play shitty horror games
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