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ennoshawty · 3 years

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HQ CAPTAINS AS THINGS

i was bored and felt like doing a crackfic thing but i didn’t have any solid themes or good ideas

SO I PRESENT TO YOU - THE CAPTAINS. AS THINGS. IDK HOW TO WORD THIS BUT YOU’LL SEE AS WE GO ALONG.

warnings: VERY LONG, slandering a crybaby oikawa (lovingly), mentions f!reader, shitposting, mentions of violence in kita's, (a bit) yandere!kita, cursing, unedited, me being an idiot

officer!daichi

we are: vigilante/troublemaker

loving the enemies-to-lovers trope so much

nah bro you ain’t full criminal (bc my preppy ass could never) you just do the small vandalism things y’know like drawing peepees on government buildings and knocking over bins

u literally confessed to him by spraypainting the entire billboard by his workplace “I LIKE YOU” like way to go girl

He didn’t appreciate the creative graffiti but he rlly likes u so all u had to do was clean it and then next thing u know yall are out on a cute cafe date

but let’s talk about before yall got together

he’d CHASE u thru alleyways when he’d catch you writing “police sux” on the fuckin wall

bro is NOT AT ALL afraid to jump onto the roofs it’s FRIGHTENING to see this huge ass police officer storm after u

HES SO FAST HOT DAMN WOMAN HOW DO U GET AWAY FROM HIM??? USAIN BOLT WHOMST???

you’d almost always get away by a hair - he’s SO SO close

and it frustrates him but excites u oooooo arrest me shawty

and this would continue for a while

but yall have such fun fun banter - you’d tease him and he’d say something back and you’d bolt and he’d chase

some days he’d catch you. but in those times u slip away somehow

he’s having so much fun and doesn’t even know it

and then at one point he doesn’t even care about bringing u to justice anymore. he knows it’s bad for business and it’s unprofessional but he’s so attracted to u

he doesn’t even know it. HES IN DENIAL!!! his mind: “oh i’m just asking about her so that i know her motives” bruh no u just asked about our fav pastry this aint about crime anymore

and when he finally gets it,,,DINGDINGDINGDING SOUND THE ALARMS !!! MAN IS WHIPPED!! he’s more shy around u awww,,,doesn’t even want to chase u anymore but he will still engage in banter w u.

yall get a little peace treaty in the lil crush stage - you both are kinda aware of ur feelings towards each other but don't really wanna mess it up and jeopardize whatever's going on like bros PLEASE JUST KISS ITS INFURIATING

it’s more of a competition to see who will break the other first (and you lost he’s too hot)

he lets u joyride his cop car in an empty parking lot <3 he is the one <3 this is true love

u gotta marry him right now bro no excuses

u are no longer on the crime side of the law,,,u support him and only him fuck the rest of the cops (i’m jk of course...or am i)

u are his badass sidekick <3 unofficially of course until he marries u

u help him with the small things like helping lost children find their parents and helping old ladies cross the street

but you want to do the FUN stuff - chasing thieves and arresting drunkards.

unfortunately, he loves u too much to put u in danger so he keeps u from doing the dangerous things

after some protesting later, he trusts u to take care of urself. and now yall have a competition just like old times - whoever catches the most baddies at the end of the month wins (he WILL scold u if ur too reckless though)

THE TWO OF U ARE JUST GOOD COP BAD COP UHAHAHAHAHAHA

but it’s much more complicated than that - it’s either ur the laidback one and he’s the strict one or ur the fiery one and he’s the person like “calm down”

PLEASE HE HATES BRINGING U TO INTERROGATIONS he’s trying to be serious but you keep making him laugh istg he has to kick u out each time

u still make him laugh when u pout-glare at him thru the glass

bro says he’s not the stereotypical cop but the moment u surprise him with donuts and coffee in the morning he will make out w u right then and there

even though yall dating he still won’t let u play with his equipment

but sometimes u grab his walkie talkie when he’s not looking and prank call the others

and his coworkers know by now they’re like “oh it’s daichis gf” and go along with it HAHAHAHA “this is alpha 1, daichi just contracted ligma, over.” “roger, but what’s ligma? over.” “*inhale* LIGMA-” *daichi takes the walkie talkie back*

his coworkers are chill lmaoooo they love u two as a couple THEY ARE VERY SUPPORTIVE they planned a surprise anniversary party of when u joined the force (unofficially)

the juniors tanaka and noya are jelly ooooo but they respect their captain <3

u loooooove hanging out w the starry-eyed new recruit hinata and he’s bouncing around asking u personal questions “how did you date the commander!!! what’s he like as a bf??” he also accidentally exposes how much daichi talks about u in the office before he drags him away and murders him off camera

he does get u a walkie talkie that’s just connected to his line, tho. for emergencies. it’s ur second phone basically that only has his number in it

daichi LOVES it when u massage him after he’s had a long day but his shoulders are stiff as a statue,,,he’s also super stronk and can carry u anywhere <333

IMAGINE HE HAS A POLICE DOG - he doesn’t, but he’ll get one of his buddies to bring u a k9 unit so u can pet it and when he sees how happy u are he considers getting one PLSSS IT WOULD FIT HIM HELPPP

bro is VERY strict on safety. bulletproof glass in yalls house. alarms + cameras everywhere. trackers on every device. underground bunker. (just kidding lol)

daichi teaches u self-defense and gets u a bejeweled taser for ur bday <333 MARRY THIS MAN RIGHT NOW OR I’LL-

in other words i love daichi and he is husband material WIFE ME UP BUDDY

househusband!oikawa

we are: girlboss sugar mommy

somehow you tamed this bish to becoming your obedient malewife

and by obedient i mean whiny but compliant

IS MORE ATTACHED TO YOUR BLACK CARD THAN TO YOU. I SAID IT. THE TRUTH.

sure, he’s pretty and gives affection sometimes but the only time he’s bein cute and snuggly w u is when a new fendi purse came out and he wants it

his specialty is cooking but he’s so lazy he’s all “just get the maid to do it”

please give ur workers a raise he’s so demanding

when you take him to ur business parties hes ALWAYS bragging about you and ur large house with this and that and his favorite: indoor hot tub. he always brings up the indoor hot tub.

only reason you bring him is cuz he’s pretty and he whines when you leave him alone for too long

yall cant even stay for too long - he’ll practically drag u out of the building and whining that it’s too hot and his suit is too stuffy and to call a limo

he’s not afraid to embarrass u if u dont give him what he wants and he will spit out food at a formal dinner if its not to his liking

probably in competition w househusbands! makki and mattsun about who gets the best house so he’s constantly begging u for an extension to the house “please babe!!! makki has-” “no.”

8/10 times throws tantrums in public and 1465/10 times throws tantrums in the house

he wants to cry for the sake of crying. one time he lost his shirt and he wouldn’t stop bawling for 15 min

please find him a hobby

crybaby . the moment u give him the glare of death it’s over. but he’s got a cute crying face which makes up for his annoying whimpering

like he made the mistake of throwing a temper tantrum in the mall only for you to glare at him with a look that said “we’re discussing this when we get home and you’re gonna get your ass beat” and walk away. immediately stopped what he was doing and he was running after u, sniffling and mumbling apologies

please humble him and have him sleep outside. the couch is too luxurious to banish him to. he made sure of it himself. it’s reclining and has charging ports. he will not learn his lesson that way

does NOT want you to get a pet or a kid or even another sugar baby/househusband - he wants to be the center of ur attention

speaking of which he HATES it when you work for too long or work overseas. when u come back he’ll pout at u and give u the petty silent treatment

don’t bother trying to comfort him he thrives off of it and he’ll keep going so u can keep paying attention to him. if u just ignore him back he’ll come crawling back to u. “WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME IGNORING YOU?? DO YOU EVEN LOVE ME ANYMORE???”

one time yall got into a fight and he was all like “since ur being a rude mommy i’ll just find someone else !!!” inside u were like “oh god finally” but instead u said “okay”

ohmygod he panicked. he was rlly expecting for u to fight for him,,, but he doesn’t want to admit defeat first so he tries to go thru with it but you literally dont care. even when he has his chanel luggage packed and he’s standing by the door ur just like “ok bye bitch”

So he’s trying to stand by the door and wait for u to say that ur joking. ur not.

“fine! I’m leaving now!” “okay.” “...*sniffles*” “tooru, go.” “WAAAAH NO IM SORRY I DONT WANT TO-”

u knew this was going to happen sadly. u even hid the keys to all of the sports cars u own just in case he was actually going to go thru with it

tries to get in the gossip circle with the neighborhood trophy wives but they don’t think he’s cool enough. they like u though. they think ur hot asf and oikawa doesn’t like them no more bc theyre hitting on his ATM. but thanks to that u know all the gossip and shit even though u don’t ask for it

Every time u pass by a store where he thinks he wants something he’ll just cling to u and give the puppy dog eyes. like it could be out of nowhere and u see it and you’re like “where. which store.”

bro once he went luxury he never went back. he wouldn’t EVER step foot into a grocery store ever again congrats he’s been bimbo-ified

beat him with ur gucci belt pls it’s so funny

also please please PLEASE discipline him. tell him it’s NOT okay to just randomly purchase the entire swarovski store or to throw a party at ur house just bc he’s feeling petty about u being at work for too long. ofc he’ll bitch about it but you need to be firm

but don’t worry,,,he’ll get the idea when u take away black card privileges and slap him around (lovingly)

now he has to ask permission like a good boy. he’ll kneel and hug u and give a lil pout and whine

you got a bigass man child i’m sorry maam u should’ve picked tobio or ushi

ceo!kuroo

we are: secretary

bruh keeps it mostly professional during work hours

but that all gets shedded off like a snake when we on break

one minute he’s all “get these papers done by today or i swear on all that is holy i will destroy you” and then later he’s all “hey sweetheart wanna grab a cup of coffee”

flirty flirty FLIRTY FLIRTY AAAAA HES A MENACE

but you’re less than impressed bc y’know when the time clocks out and its time to go back to work he’s ruthless once more

HUMBLE HIM FOOL only when you’re on break though

will NOT stand for anyone else in the workplace bullyin u - NO WAY. only HIM

he’s got TONS and TONS of dirt on everyone in the office - NO ONE is safe so they wouldn’t even dare

RIP janet from accounting

that dumb bitch made the mistake of insulting u to ur face and in front of him. never heard from her again

it’s not even limited to the other employees - he’s not afraid to go off on a potential business partner if they dared disrespect you

bruh tries to call u on ur off days for the most randomest shit and to get ur attention

*picks up phone* “sir?” “ah! my favorite secretary ever! listen, i need you to grab my pens from my desk at the office and bring them to my place.” “...with all due respect, it’s 2 am, sir.”

but u have to comply with his ridiculous demands cuz he’s the bank

and he depends on u completely. as much as he hates to admit it - u have his schedules, itinerary, provide coffee, performance rates, stock info, you name it.

once u were out sick and he had the worst management - he’s not used to working without you

def tries to get some of ur workload off of u bc he’s worried that the stress of working for him made u sick + he doesn’t want to go thru scheduling again

prolly gets bored in meeting rooms and sends u little smirks and wiggles his eyebrows and weird looks while he’s sitting and ur standing in the corner like bruh pay attention

maybe sometimes he’s secretly makin fun of the presenter and doodling on his spare sticky note something funny to make u crack a smile

he’ll tease u for it of course “oh, secretary! you should be paying more attention! what would you do if this was important?” bruh i can multitask now keep airdropping me ur selfies i’m saving all of them (news flash: u dont save his dumbass selfies otherwise his ego will inflate too much)

sometimes likes to pull u aside from work to hug u - you say it’s highly unprofessional but he says it’s his stress reliever

you ALMOST got caught by one of the newbies and he was kabedon-ing you

he tries to play it off (since u were embarrassed too) but u know better,,,DO NOT LET HIM FORGET ABOUT IT he turns red and embarrassed every single time USE THIS TO UR ADVANTAGE !!

never goes into an elevator without you bruh is so attached to u n holds the doors open for you

but you have to open normal doors for him if he doesn’t know how it works (hint: manual doors. “why isn’t it opening on its own?” “sir, there’s a handle.” “but?? what does it do??”)

bruh acts like a dumbass sometimes so you can baby him :/// wtf man just because you’re rich doesn’t mean i’ll- ...wait...how much did you say…? that many zeros? HAND ME THAT FORK YES I’LL FEED YOU COME HERE- HERE COMES THE AIRPLANE BITCH

brings u to overseas trips and he spoils u too

no matter how much you insist that you’re ok he gives u a lot of luxurious items. “think of it as a bonus from me.” NOW YOU JUST HAVE A COLLECTION OF NICE SHOES/BAGS/JEWELRY AND HE LOVES IT WHEN YOU WEAR THEM TO WORK IT MAKES HIM SO HAPPY UGHHHHH

BRUH just a sugar daddy at this point “you have to look presentable for the next focus group so here’s a nice rolex watch” “sir, i don’t need-” “ah ah ah - it’s my treat.”

it’s pointless to refuse him but he still teases u for it like what???? “if i didn’t know any better, secretary, i’d say you’re just doing it for my money and not my fabulous looks and personality.” “exactly.” “hey!”

yall go for drinking parties a lot. whether with the whole branch or just the two of u

KARAOKE W KUROO AFTER A LONG DAY OF WORK <333 becomes a ritual between the two of u

he’s so silly when he’s drunk lmfaoooo goofy ass mf

but that’s only when it’s the two of u. he controls his alcohol around others and his uncool side is only for u <3

also ur the only one he trusts to take him back to his place and handle him

it’s the other way around too - when u drink a lot he looks after you <333

you have a higher tolerance than him and sometimes u have competitions between the two of u on who can drink more but then yall always end up shitfaced

HES the one who has a crush on you

you know the drill - gaslight gatekeep girlboss

he’ll do anything for u but wouldn’t ever admit it he simp

offers u the keys to his estate and offers for you to LIVE with him

bruh just marry me already ok WAIT WE’RE NOT EVEN DATING YOU NEED TO WORK ON THAT SIR-

he’s so awkward tryna confess to u,,,he may be this big hotshot ceo but he’s acting like a schoolgirl in love

probably prints u a confession when he asks u to go to the fax machine lmfao what a nerd

in other words ceo!kuroo is a nerd and you need to top him immediately get that bank

dog hybrid!bokuto

we are: owner

Husky-malamute breed!!! BEEG DOGGIE VERY HAPPY N DROOLY <333

OVERLY HYPER. JUMPS ON ANYONE AND U AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT

he’s well trained i swear but the moment he sees something of interest then i’m sorry you just lost him

please if a robber came in he wouldn’t even attack them he’d just tackle them w hugs

he loves loves loves snuggles <333 u busy? nope!!! hug time!!! cooking something?? oo lemme see!!! whoops look at all those tomatos on the ground. u got a deadline coming up and u really need to focus?? CUDDLE TIIIIIIME- w-wait - huh?? why are u shoving me off?? do you - do you not - huh?!?! WHY ARE YOU LOCKING ME OUT OF THE ROOM?? NO!!!! I LOVE YOU!!! IDK WHAT EXAMS ARE BUT I WANT CUDDLES!!! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME????!!!

the WORST things u could ever do to him is leave him and call him a bad boy

HE CRIES ON THE SPOT </3 HOW COULD YOU </3

soso bummed when u go out of the house without him </333 waits by the door patiently waiting for u to come back </333 sob sob

the moment he hears the door unlock he LEAPS and his tail is wagging like CRAZY

he is SO STRONG. almost always knocks u over whenever he jumps on u

destroys EVERY toy u bring him. u leave him for 5 seconds and there’s stuffing all over the floor and whatever u brought him is nonexistent

tugs on the leash when u walk so much that it SNAPS

loves romping w the other dogs in the dog park but he needs to tone down on his friendliness he almost killed a lil orange chihuahua

gets distracted by EVERYTHING. ooh, squirrel! oo, butterfly! OOO HUMAN CHILD!! MUST EAT!!!

ok while he might be friendly, he still gets super super jealous. you both were outside and u were petting the neighborhood black cat and bruh almost swallowed his head

which u thought was weird bc the two are normally friends and are pretty nice around each other

so now he’s more feisty around him and any other cat that’d get ur attention

If it was a person, then that’s another thing. He’d be very friendly at first but then slowly realize that ur attention is more directed on them than him. then he’d go ballistic

but when u scold him for practically assaulting the poor dude and call him a bad boy,,,he’s lost it

u have to lock him in the other room and he’s crying and whimpering, scratching at the door. all he wanted to do was protect u from that bad bad man who took away his owner’s attention !!!

def snarls at the dude next time he comes into ur house/apartment...dude never came back

“GRRR” “AAAA GET UR FRIGGIN DOG B-” “he don bite” YES IT DO GET UR-”

doggie bokuto rlly tries to be slick...it doesn’t work. like he tries to do that thing when he’s a total demon towards the guy but then act like an angel around u but it doesnt work bc he’s not smooth

doggie intelligence: 2 IQ. one time u got him a puzzle box and hid a treat in it but bruh couldnt figure it out just straight up monched the entire puzzle simply bc he smelled his fav bbq treat in it

speaking of intelligence - he only knows how to say a few words like ur name and incomplete sentences. speaks in barks and whines and sometimes a word

SO BIG THAT HE GRABS FOOD FROM THE TABLE WHEN YOU’RE NOT LOOKING

u had some delicious beef steak? oh dear, where did it go? there’s ur puppy kou with steak sauce all over his lips

big fan of hiking trips, sports, literally anything that involves going out

he LOVES getting dirty outside playing. boi cant control himself from rolling around in the mud

hates baths at first but then he likes how u spray the water on him and giggles awww he likes bath time now

we all know he’s not the brightest pup of the pack but,,,he’s somehow psychic. he knows when ur taking him to the vet

HE THROWS A BIG FUSS ALL THE TIME - sometimes he tries to hide but his huge tail under the couch gives it away

and he knows when ur thinking of taking him on a walk. he also begs u to take him outside by settling his head in ur lap and pouting until u give him what he wants

he likes the big ol doggie sweaters/pjs u buy him...but he always ruins them. no matter how much u buy him, they’re all ruined. he complains how scratchy it is and it feels weird on him

knows LOTS of tricks but if u teach him more than what he already knows he will forget one of them he’s like a damn pokemon

he feels ur emotions :((( if ur mood is down his tail droops :(( and he gives u cuddles and tries to make u feel better

he even likes to make a fool out of himself and be silly if it makes u laugh :((( he’s so precious

in other words i love doggy bokuto

pirate!ushijima

we are: kidnapped

ah yes we’re are captives of the most fearsome pirates of the seas: shiratorizawa

just so you know, tendou was the instigator. he was all “let’s kidnap a noble’s kid and get the ransom money!” (whether you actually are a noble or not is up to you)

thing is, nobody’s willing to pay (if you aren’t a noble) or the pirates really pissed off the folks in charge and are now doing a manhunt

so yeah you aren’t going back anytime soon

but he’s a pretty good sport about it - very hospitable

he notices the little things u like and gets them for u <333 sighs <333

he saw you reading that book? wow look at that, there’s suddenly a stack of them and the same genre he saw you reading

but you definitely shouldn’t test him. he’s SUPER scary when it comes down to it

you saw how ruthless he was with the rogues that had dared to challenge him on sea

mf made them walk the plank

you help on the ship bc u wanna be useful and also shirabu keeps being mean

he asks u to teach the crew how to read cuz theyre dumb as shit and only know water and treasure

speaking of treasure - when he leaves u on the ship to explore a cave, he gets u really pretty jewelry <33 anything u ask for

“oh, welcome back captain. how was your mission?” “i brought back a few trinkets i thought you might like.” *reveals whole chest of priceless gems* “are they to your liking? if not, we can set sail for something else that might interest you.” “I-”

bruh got a pet eagle - u ask the crew and they dont even know how tf it happened

hell, even he doesn’t know how it happened wtf. “oh. one day it flew down to me and i fed it. that’s all.” wtf

equivalent to diluc’s bird - he didn’t even give it a name so he gives u the honors

U name him rigatoni (you got a great naming sense btw)

oh my god oh my god oh my god HE TRIES TO PROTECT U WHEN PPL WERE TRYNA INVADE THE SHIP

it was the first thing he did no cap - burst into ur room and scoops u up <33333

“what the-” “we need to get you to safety. we are under attack.” and holds u close to his chest AAAHSIDHFPSDHFN OH MY LORD YES

HAS THE TEAM GIVE U SELF DEFENSE LESSONS AFTER THAT

tendou tries to give u a sword but ushi says no “she could hurt herself.”

“but ushiwaka! we can teach her not to hurt herself” “...it’s my orders.” “c’mon, be more honest, ushiwaka! what’s the real reason?”

he goes quiet then looks at u “...i’ll always be there to help. she’ll have me.” AOISHSDHFSNDF

HELPPPPP SIOJFDSKFJP HES SO CHARMING AND HE DOESNT EVEN TRY

but the rest of the crew are like “then what’s the point”

but tendou sneaks u a dagger just to be safe

sorry ur apart of the crew now - but they’re like a family even if they did kidnap u

oh whatever your life before wasn’t as cool as this (no offense)

they are given orders to protect u at all costs

speaking of which - ushi isn’t all that great w guns

almost blew his own head off tryna figure out how it works before reon snatched it from him

he brings you with him to towns and cities and he likes taking u to the markets to get you stuff

ushijima tell me your love language is gift-giving without telling me your love language is gift-giving-

he finds out you’re pretty good at bargaining and brings you onshore a lot more

is mesmerized at how you absolutely BERATE the merchant who was tryna rip you off like sis where is this violence coming from??? he loves it??

he also likes to stop by some pretty islands and imagines just settling down in such a nice place w you <333 SIGHS <333 VERY <333 LOUDLY <333

no matter how much he likes you...he will NOT let you drive the boat under any circumstances </3 its his livelihood c’mon man

whenever you have to stay on the ship while he’s away he sends rigatoni to give messages and the two of u talk thru messages

speaking of which rigatoni is fierce and can definitely sink his talons and his sharp beak into any bastard that dares get near you while the captain is away

wakatoshi “swimming is for pussies” ushijima - he’s water resistant

bruh so powerful he walks on water

second coming of christ who

IM JUST KIDDING he does swim but we hardly ever see it

legends say (tendou says) he looks rlly awkward doing it and only knows how to doggie paddle

speaking of our homeboy tendou - he loooves spooking the team (and especially you) with scary stories . don’t worry tho - this is all a ploy to get the beeg pirate husband to comfort u at night ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) he is ur wingman u can count on him. but his suggestions are ridiculous

“Jump off the deck and see if he’ll catch you!” um excuse me- THOU SHALT NOT PUT BIG HUSBAND TO THE TEST

he’s got good intentions...i think…

but everyone literally knows he would dive after you

in other words pirate!ushijima is a softie at heart but goddamn he probably secretly has a pet shark so dont test him or u goin overboard

mafia leader!kita

we are: associate from different group/family

kita highly respects u and yall have been acquainted since u were young with the alliance of ur families

so in a way ur childhood friends but yall do have lil bit of friendly rivalry a bit

arranged marriage whuuuutttt...yeah thats what happened but u love him <3

nobody else knows about ur arranged marriage but you two

POLITE GENTLEMAN <333 !!! HNNNNNNNN his granny raised him right even tho he’s a mafia leader

RICH BOY RICH BOY RICH BOY- ALWAYS DRESSES DASHINGLY AND SMELLS GREAT MMMMMM

he owns the majority of the underground casinos

and has lots of connections with others. countless, might i add.

you on the other hand specialize as an arms dealer so he cherishes your services the most

prob has the traditional tattoos allllll over his back and shoulders w like a dragon or sm and def a fox or kitsune

when u two were little he asked ur favorite flower and GOT THAT TATTOOED ON HIS BACK <3 probably secretly has your initials hidden in there somewhere

u both have a silent understanding of each other and he talks to u more than he does anyone

before he used to smoke but once he figured out that you didn’t like the smell of cigarettes he quit just like that

his underlings, the miya twins are so confused on how kita switches from totally brutal and ruthless to so soft around u

they can’t tease him for it, though, cuz he’d pulverize them

but they want to know more about u,,,you mysterious enigma,,,but kita would kill them if they dared asked about you

so they go to inarizaki’s most secretive informant/cyber mercenary, suna rintarou

and suna knows all about you. he saw you one time and he was curious about who you were and is now rlly scared of you because he dug too deep and you’ve got LOTS of history

he doesn’t dare tell the twins what he found no matter how much they bug him

until they bribe him at just the right price

and when aran finds out and tells kita?? ohhh boy it’s lights out for all three of them

oh my god ,,, would kill for u he loves u so much

one time you were kidnapped and held hostage

bro saw red

MAFIA ANNIHILATION SPEEDRUN ANY % NO GLITCH

he got world record time

wiped out the entire conglomerate behind it - nothing and nobody left behind after that

and of course, made sure you were safe.

yandere? ofc not...i mean...just look at him...so innocent...he would never...sharpening that knife...with splattered blood all over him...

is now joined at the hip with u,,,no matter how much you tell him you’ll be fine now and that you have tons of reliable bodyguards he won’t let it go

“don’t you have to go back to your place?” “this is my duty as both a fellow associate and your future husband.” aww,,,ur so sweet...but BRUH PLEASE GO HOME ARAN IS DOING EVERYTHING OVER THERE

makes sure to build a headquarters DIRECTLY NEXT TO YOURS so that its faster

and it’s not long until he just signs a deal to merge ur factions together (since yall getting married anyways)

and oh my god...ur underground wedding is SO SO PRETTY

absolutely DOESN’T care if he’s smuggling jewels from different countries - he’s having your ring CUSTOM MADE and the way you want it. “the diamond is too small? sure thing, darling, i’ll have it 7 times that size.”

makes sure everything is perfect in ur wedding <333 its very extravagant and even though its not really his style he’ll do anything for you

he absolutely WOULD take your last name if you wanted. FIGHT ME ON THIS

takes you to his private island for ur honeymoon so that the two of you don’t have to worry about work

meanwhile aran is scrambling around the place trying to cover for the both of you

he’s a VERY romantic husband - NEVER takes off his ring even for security. he says its practically a part of him just like you are <3

the ring has a built in tracker connected to an app. possessive? noooo...

in other words this escalated pretty quickly but i aint complaining if it gets me married to kita

--EXTRA EXTRA!! other characters’ roles!!--

officer!daichi:

karasuno squadron consists of:

cops: daichi (duh), asahi (mostly patrol, he hates confrontation), tanaka & noya (mostly accompanied by ennoshita), hinata & kageyama

investigators/detectives: sugawara, ennoshita, yamaguchi, tsukishima, kiyoko, yachi

surveillance: narita, kinoshita, tsukishima too

househusband!oikawa:

makki and mattsun are also househusbands

iwaizumi is a malewife fhasodjkasdhf-

ceo!kuroo:

lev is the newbie that walked in on u two-

janet still a bitch

kenma is his fellow ceo buddy. he also owns a multimillion dollar company and kuroo’s and his have a sort-of contract so you see him a lot in meetings

yaku is like one of the top performing managers so whenever yall have branch meetings he’s there

dog hybrid!bokuto:

kuroo is the black neighborhood cat bokuto almost murdered cough cough i did that on purpose yes i did

kenma is also another neighborhood cat. you don’t see him around that often but now that bokuto got jealous he stays far away.

hinata is the orange chihuahua i briefly mentioned

i couldn’t decide whether akaashi would stay human and be his previous owner or also be a cat/dog/owl. so lets say he’s ur human friend that is your bestie and comes over a lot. bokuto likes him, though. still gets jealous a bit.

pirate!ushijima:

tendou is practically is right hand man

the rest of the team have something to give idk how to explain pirate team members okay-

BUT BUT BUT- they do have sea rivals which are the seijoh pirates. you ran into them one day and oikawa thought you were kidnapped (you were, but you liked it there) so he tried to do you justice and failed miserably. ushijima ragdolled him into the ocean when he flirted w you.

mafia!kita:

the twins are something akin to mercenaries basically. or just plain lackeys.

suna is an informant/cyber mercenary. he gathers information about ppl which is how he knew about you. and he’s a hacker lol.

aran is his second-in-command, omimi + ginjima are his bodyguards

a/n: im going to regret posting this

#haikyuu #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu x you #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu captains #daichi sawamura #oikawa toru #kuroo tetsuro #kita shinsuke #ushijima wakatoshi #bokuto kotaro #x reader

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pixelwisp-archive · 3 years

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i want more orimakki 😩 !!! pls answer these q's i rly wanna know 🥺

Flora I love you so MUCH oh my god thank you for feeding me TT-TT (also I'm ABSOLUTELY SENDING THIS BACK FOR YOU AND OSAMU I WANNA KNOWWWW)

I’m gonna answer these Interview style because it sounds fun to do and because I can😌

This ended up taking me SO long because, per usual, I got way too carried away lmao I'm so sorry

Makki is blue and I'm orange! (Interviewer is red lmao)

1. Who loves flower crowns more?

“Ori, for sure”

“I’m bad at making them though, so I make Hiro make them for me”

Makki looks at her like😒 and she laughs - he bites back a smile.

2. Who is the one who likes to cuddle?

"Hiro, for sure - I get a little weird about physical affection"

"She hates me"

"That's not true bub, you're just so hot"

"Thanks babe, I think you're pretty cute too"

Ori rolls her eyes and elbows him. "Next question"

3. Who has awful taste in music?

*simultaneously* "Hiro" "Me"

4. Who is the meme lover?

"I run a relatively popular account on instagram"

"I wake up every day to at least 30 new memes that he's spammed my phone with"

5. How did their second date go?

Ori starts laughing as Makki groans.

"He tried to take me to a park for a picnic-"

"Listen it would have been romantic but there was this fucking-"

"raccoon coming to grab our food-"

"and of course Ori is a dumbass ("HEY") and was ready to pet the literal wild animal ("he was so cute :(") so I tried to like shoo it away but-"

"It bit him and we ended up just sharing a cheese stick in the hospital"

"It was a disaster, to say the least"

"It's still one of my favorite dates, though"

"You just like seeing me in pain"

Ori laughs. "Not True!"

6. How many children do they want/have?

"17"

"absolutely not"

"we've talked about having two, maybe three"

"with a couple years in between. Gotta make sure they bully each other. It's important for character growth"

"We'll be sure to bully the oldest so they're not a weirdo like their mom"

Ori nods in agreement.

7. Who hides the weapons?

"I have a knife collection, does that count? I keep them in a display case on the wall"

8. Who is the better dancer?

Makki laughs. "Oh, me for sure"

"YOU?"

"Have you seen your dancing babe?"

"Have you seen YOUR dancing? What the hell is this?" *imitates this god awful windmill move*

"...okay, valid. We're both bad."

9. Do/Did they have a theme wedding?

"We're not married, marriage is for chumps."

Makki sighs. "We're not married *yet*."

"Gross, tryna tie me down stinky?"

"Been trying for years, bub"

Ori blushes, and looks away to hide her smile.

"...maybe"

Makki grins and leans in. "What?"

"I said maybe. I just-"

"I know, baby. Maybe is all I need."

10. What do their parents think of them dating?

"My parents are in love with Ori."

"My parents love him too!"

"Even your dads?"

"Yeah, my dads love you"

"Your step dad doesn't seem to like me much"

Ori furrows her brows. "which one?"

"I'm sorry, did you say 'which one?'"

"Oh, sorry. I have three dads. My mom, my dad, and then their husbands"

"I don't know, your mom's husband doesn't seem like he's warmed up to me"

"It took him years to even warm up to me. He shared his pot roast recipe with you, remember? that was his seal of approval"

Ori giggles while Makki looks at her suspiciously but eventually mumbles "if you say so"

11. Are they a super sappy couple?

"She clowns the shit out of me whenever I try"

Ori laughs. "I'm sorry I just don't know how to act when I'm embarrassed"

"I'm trying to woo you, not embarrass you, you jackass"

"*woo* me?!" Ori cackles

"I don't know why I even try"

(She goes up to him later, and takes his face in her hands, her demeanor more serious than before

"Hey, bub. You know I don't mean *you* embarrass me right? I just get awkward about affection"

He sighs and nuzzles into her palm

"I know you didn't, it's ok. I just love you too much sometimes, and its hard to reel it in"

"I love you too. So so much"

"I am gonna ask you to marry me someday. You know that?"

"I know, and my simp ass is gonna say yes. How gross is that"

Makki rolls his eyes, a smile on his face

"So gross")

12. How did they get together?

"We danced around each other for like 2 years"

"it was painful"

"Iwaizumi finally beat the confidence into me enough to kiss her"

"I don't know that you ever actually asked me out"

"Really? Oh, well then, wanna date?"

"Nah, you're a little weird"

"Damn ok, guess I'll call Mattsun" Ori laughs

13. Who asked the other to get married?

*more gagging noises while Makki sighs*

"It'll be me, clearly"

14. Who stays up too late and makes stupid jokes?

"Hiro. 100%"

"Hey, you stay up late too!"

"I know, but my jokes are always funny"

"rude"

15. Who is the nerd?

"Oh my god it's Ori"

"Hey, I converted you, fellow nerd. plus, you have a knife collection - if that's not nerd shit idk what is"

"touché"

16. Who knows the most obscure facts?

"Hiro"

"Did you know that penguins have knees?"

"I do now"

17. Who makes the other a flower crown?

"Hiro! His fingers are better suited for the weaving, I have weirdly small hands"

"Hey, I like your hands"

"Awh, babe<3"

18. Who likes to read?

"I do! If I'm not reading a physical book I'm always reading something on my phone!"

19. Who bothers the other person while the other person reads?

Makki grins, pointing to himself while Ori shoots him a playful glare

20. Who tutors the other?

"Hiro is actually wicked smart. He an invaluable study buddy"

"Ori is the definition of a bimbo"

"Nah I'm the shebo, I'm not hot enough to make bimbo status"

"Excuse me? Consensus says you are both very hot AND definitely belonging in the bimbo category"

"Consensus? What consensus"

Makki smiles, a little too innocently. "Group Chat"

"Oh my god"

21. Do they have similar taste in movies?

"Ori enjoys literally everything so it's really easy to find common ground"

"We change it up a lot, but we're usually end up with either a horror movie or we binge an anime"

22. How do their personalities compliment each other?

"We're both fucking weirdos"

"Yeah, and Hiro's calm complements my loud - he grounds me when I need it"

"goes both ways - I get loud too. Feelings are loud sometimes and that's ok"

Ori snorts. "Ok, dr.phil"

23. How do they tell everyone that they are going to be having a kid/adopting a child soon?

"Is like, texting them an option?"

"We'll take em' out for breadsticks or something"

"Oh lets have them open up like a lil onesie, our moms would die"

Ori laughs "What's it gonna say on it"

"'You're both grandmas now. Congrats, you old bitches'"

Ori wheezes, folding in on herself in her seat

"That's so fucking stupid, we are absolutely doing that"

24. Who has better fashion sense?

"Look at us. Look at how we're dressed"

"There are holes in my shirt"

"and that's his nice shirt"

"In my defense, it had holes when I bought it"

"So holes are fashionable now?"

"Apparently"

"Hobo chic"

25. Who will punch someone out if they are rude to their partner?

"Ori is a doormat-"

"RUDE"

"-Lemme finish babe - until it comes to her people. If someone's rude to me she is ready to throw hands in seconds flat"

"damn straight...would you fight for me?"

"Of course. you think I wouldn't?"

"Just making sure<3"

26. What songs do they sing together in the vehicle?

"EVERYTHING"

27. What other couple would your otp get along with?

Ori perks up "Flora and Osamu!!! I love the both of them so much, they're so cute together too"

"They're great people, plus Osamu gives us free food and honestly, what else do you need in a friend"

Ori slaps Makki's shoulder "Stop acting like you only like Osamu for his cooking"

"I'm only kidding!"

28. Who likes to prank the other?

"Ori does this thing where she'll do something nice for me and then go "get pranked!" when I notice"

"I do indeed do that"

"I am not kind. Sometimes I'll just, buy an air horn. And press it. while she's asleep."

Ori glares at Makki

"he does indeed do that"

29. Who is the one who loves to take pictures?

"I do"

"He's alwaysss taking pictures, but I hate getting my picture taken and he's super respectful of that"

"...yeah"

(Later, when Ori's stepped out for a minute

"I do take pics of her. She doesn't know it but I do"

Makki starts to show off an album full of candids of Ori

Makki sighs, a soft smile on his face "She's so pretty"

"Don't tell her about this please, she'll murder me")

30. How would they react if they found out they were soul mates?

"Oof"

"That's what you'd say? Oof?"

"It's an oof for you. stuck? with me? forever?"

"you doofus, there's no one else I'd rather have"

"you little fucker, you're gonna make me cry"

makki laughs and squeezes her hand "love you stinky"

Ori sniffles "Yeah I love you too I guess"

31. Where would they live?

"right now we live in an apartment in Osaka-"

"but eventually we wanna by a house. We're thinking of going back home to Miyagi"

"We miss the small town atmosphere"

32. What type of dragon would they own, if they could have one?

"oh my god, a little shoulder dragon would be so cute"

"ok but imagine how much money we'd save with something we could ride to work"

"shit, you're so right"

33. If they were both vampires, what type of vampires would they be?

"There are types of vampires?" looks to Makki, Makki shrugs

"Is dying an option?"

34. What would they dress up as, for Halloween?

"we do themed couple ones but like, not sexy ones"

"yeah, like for instance our friends went as a fireman and his girl was a dalmation, and we were-"

"bob ross and his panting!"

"...she was bob ross"

"this year I'm trying to get him to dress as mothman so I can dress up as a lamp"

35. Can they name each other’s favourite food?

"Ori loves chicken to the point where it's almost concerning"

"Hiro likes cream puffs"

"No no, they're Profiteroles"

"they're the same thing babe"

"but profiteroles sound so much fancier"

36. Do they have pet names for one another?

"The usual"

"Babe, baby-"

"stinky, fuckass-"

"bubs-"

"doofus, dumbass, nerd"

"nothing crazy"

37. How do they cheer each other up?

"I swear to god he's a psychic - he always knows exactly what I need. Sometimes I need space, sometimes I just need a hug, other times he'll have a whole self care night in prepared for me when I get home"

"Ori always knows what to do. She's not a snuggler but she will let me hold her for hours if it meant making me feel better. Honestly most of the time she holds me because - well, boobs"

"Takahiro!"

Makki laughs and jerks away as she pinches his side

38. Do they show a lot of PDA?

"I think we're not too bad. We hold hands, I'll give her the occasional kiss. She lets me wrap my arm around her sometimes"

"These questions are making me feel like a bad girlfriend. Let? :("

"hush, you're the best. You think I'd stick around if you were a bad girlfriend? Do you know how obsessed with you I am? The boys clown me for never shutting up about you even after all this time"

*Ori buries her face in her hands to hide the blush* "Oh my god you're so lame"

"That's her way of saying she loves me too :)"

39. How old were they when they got together?

"I was 22, Ori was 20"

"holy shit, almost four years?"

"Yep"

"wow"

40. Who is the one that would bring the puppy home?

"Me!"

"She's done it before. She named her Ripley"

41. Can they do yoga couple’s poses?

both start cackling "Absolutely not. We can try but it would be a disaster"

42. What is their song?

"Oh its-"

Castaways from the Backyardigans starts playing from Makki's phone as he grins.

"-our song is not Castaways, Hiro"

"It could be. We could decide it is right now"

"We are not making our song Castaways"

"oh c'moooonnnnn, it's a bop!"

Ori laughs "Its-"

"Your song by Elton John. It was playing when we kissed for the first time"

Ori covers her smile with her hand, her eyes soft as she looks at Makki

43. What does their room look like?

"A mess right now, Ori had to find an outfit for today so there are clothes everywhere"

Ori grins sheepishly

44. Who would be the one to kill zombies while the other keeps them grounded?

"Hiro would probably do the killing, I would be moral support"

"I dunno babe, I think if you snapped you could totally become a badass"

"You think so?"

"Hell yeah, I've seen you get mad at Mattsun enough times to know you can get scary as hell when you wanna"

45. Who makes the other breakfast in bed?

"we've done it for each other, it depends on the day to be honest"

46. Who loves kids more?

"Ori"

"But the kids LOVE Hiro so much its crazy, and he's so good with them"

"I like kids well enough but they're so rude and for what"

"I find their lack of filter funny!"

"If you ever feel your ego is too big, just talk to a seven year old. They'll drag to hell and back with no hesitation"

47. Do either of them have a crazy ex?

"I dunno. Do you?"

"No. Do you?"

"Nope"

"Cool"

48. What are their favourite colours?

"Hiro's is this very specific red color"

"Ori doesn't have one, it changes all the time"

"this is true"

49. Who likes to cook?

"Oh I love cooking!"

"She does majority of the cooking but we sometimes cook together"

"he is utter chaos in the kitchen but we always have a good time, even if he make my blood pressure go through the roof"

50. Who is the forgetful one?

"Hey Ori, what'd you have for breakfast this morning."

"I- um. An Iced Coffee?"

"Final answer?"

"....yes"

"Bzzzt. Wrong. You had cereal :)"

51. Does either of them know how to fight?

"I don't mean to brag, but I've taken Tai chi lessons"

"Babe, you signed up for those lessons after we binged Avatar, and you only went to four of those classes before quitting because it was too hard"

"Those four lessons taught me enough to kick someone's ass for you though"

Ori laughs "I'm sure they did"

52. What do they do for Valentines Day?

"We have this tradition of going to the store and each of us take turns blindly picking out snacks, pajamas, and either a movie/video game/or craft project and we stay in and have a little pamper day"

"we also absolutely RAID the store next day when the candy is half off"

53. Who swears more?

"We both swear a lot to be honest"

"Oh my god we're so bad"

54. Who has the better comebacks?

"Hiro, 100%"

"Ori is quick too though"

"But you go right for the jugular"

"I'm not mean to you though"

"Oh no! I just mean with others, like Oikawa - you drag that man within an inch of his life"

Makki laughs "Oh ok yeah that's fair"

55. Who would start a fight with another parent at a bake sale?

"Me. Like I said, Ori is a doormat. She is so afraid of confrontation someone could literally spit on her and she'd apologize to them"

"It sounds so bad when you put it like that"

56. Who reads buzzfeed?

"Hiro says he does them ironically, but I'll be reading something on my phone and he'll start asking me obscure questions, and then I realize he's trying to get me to build a smoothie so he can find out with 'Desperate Houswife' I am"

"She got Gabrielle"

"Which isn't even accurate, I'm totally more of a Susan"

"You have some of Gabrielle's spice, though"

"What did you get?"

"Me? oh, I got Lynette"

"kinda accurate, actually"

57. Who is the hopeless romantic?

"I am, she makes fun of me but I know she loves it"

"I do, honestly"

58. Do either of them know how to do a handstand?

"I do!"

59. Who can rap better?

"oh god, neither of us"

"speak for yourself"

"go on babe, rap for them"

"...well I can't right now"

"exactly"

60. Do either of them want to go sky diving?

"I'd be down"

"I love the idea of it but oof, I'm too chicken shit"

61. What do they usually text about?

Makki pulls out his phone

"'hey babe, we're out of eggs' - that was Ori"

"'dog' - with a pic attached of said dog, that was from me"

"11/10, 'I hope he knows what a good boy he is', that was Ori's response"

"Then Ori ranted to me about Uraraka's character development"

"the wasted potential is appalling"

"absolutely it is. 3 hours later, from me - 'I forgot eggs'"

62. Who is the dramatic one?

"me, for sure"

"She's self aware though so its not so bad"

63. Is either one confrontational?

"Not really? We both avoid confrontation whenever possible. If something needs to be said though, I don't really have any reservations about it"

64. What is their favourite cuddle position?

"Me as the big spoon, I much prefer holding him I think, its less hot that way"

"Plus, boobs :3"

Ori groans as Makki laughs "I hate you"

65. Who are their favourite musical artist(s)?”

"Ooooh thats a toughie, we listen to so much"

66. What are their parenting styles?

"I tend to be the bad guy"

"That's not true!"

"Why do you think kids like you better? I'm the one who makes them eat veggies for a snack and you bribe them with ice cream"

"I promise we'll share the bad guy role when we have our own"

Ori narrows her eyes at Makki, sticking her tongue out at him "we better"

67. Who would be the more laid back one?

"Hiro, I get wound like a fucking top sometimes"

"You stress easily, but its ok, when you're stressed you get mean and its kinda hot"

"I'm glad my breakdowns are sexy to you"

Makki laughs "You know that's not what I meant"

68. Who listens to more vulgar music?

"Ehh, neither of us really"

"not our jam"

69. Do either of them have secrets even the other doesn’t know?

"...do you?"

"....no"

"That was suspish"

"I'm sorry did you just say 'suspish'?"

"don't change the subject! what are you hiding?"

"Nothing!! I swear"

"Pinky?"

"Pinky"

(later, while Ori's out of the studio, he shows a picture of the ring to the camera.

"So, yeah. There is one secret. I'm really bad at lying though so let's not put me on the spot like that anymore please" The man looks d a m p with sweat lmao)

70. Who is their go to couple for a double date?

"FLOSAMU, 100%. We're overdue too, I miss them!"

71. Do they tip the waiter/waitress on their date?

"Generously"

"If you don't tip you're a jackass"

72. How do they work out a fight?

"Communication is key. We often give each other the silent treatment but it usually is just to clear our heads so we can come back to talk it out"

"He's so mature when it comes to our relationship. The way he takes charge when I'm flailing and don't know what to do or how to proceed is so sexy" Ori starts fanning herself as if to emphasis her point, a teasing grin plastered on her face

73. Who brings home an illegal pet?

"Hiro will bring anything home if it's injured. It could be a snake and if he's worried its hurt I will come home to it in the bath"

"you gotta save the animals, babe"

"Most people would call a wildlife facility though, not take them to their tiny city apartment"

74. What side of the bed do each of them sleep on?

"I sleep on the left! I don't think either of us are particularly picky about it though"

"We usually wake up sprawled anyway with no clear sign of where we were before"

75. What is their favorite photo of them two together?

"There's a picture someone took of us dancing at a wedding. Ori is mid laugh in that photo and she's just - shit, she's so pretty."

"Hiro what the fuck why are you so sappy today"

"I dunno - I just think you're neat"

Ori's lips tremble a tiny bit. She sniffles. "It's my favorite photo too."

76. Who takes longer in the bathroom?

"Oh my god-"

"Okay-"

"SHE TAKES FOREVER"

"OKAY, LISTEN-"

"SHE ONLY GOES ON TIKTOK WHEN SHE GOES TO THE BATHROOM"

"I JUST GO THROUGH MY NOTIFICATIONS"

"SHE IS NEVER - STOP HITTING ME - SHE IS NEVER QUICKER THAN 30 MINUTES"

"YOU ARE SO DRAMATIC"

"DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON SHOWERS"

77. Who has more songs on their ipod?

"Hiro, I kinda keep to the stuff I know, while he's constantly adding new music"

78. What movie did they first see together?

"Uhhh I think it was-"

"It was Princess Mononoke, you were appalled when I said I hadn't seen it yet"

"Honestly I still am. How do you go through 20 years of your life without having seen Princess Mononoke?" Ori shrugs

79. What do they like to see each other in?

"nothing"

"not sure what I expected, really"

"I mean was there really any other answer?"

80. Who makes jokes during inappropriate times?

"Oh god. Both of us. We are so terrible"

"Sometimes Ori will nudge me if I'm being especially bad but she is usually the one egging me on because there is nothing cuter than her trying to hold in a laugh"

81. At what age do they discuss the possibility of children?

"We started talking about it a few months ago"

"It wouldn't be any time soon either, its just discussing the topic so we know where each of us stand"

"Yeah, there's still a lot for us to figure out"

"Like, you know, finances and getting married and stuff"

Ori bites her lip "...yeah, and stuff."

82. What do they love about each other the most?

"It's probably a cop out to say everything"

"please, you don't love everything, I'm a mess"

"but you're MY mess" Ori smiles and kicks him playfully

"This is going to sound super cheesy, but I just love his heart? He's loves so loudly and so wholly. With everyone and everything around him. He's just such a good person and it's insane to think he somehow chose to be with me, a human dumpster"

"You were so romantic until you called yourself a dumpster"

"It was getting too soft, I gotta keep my bruh girl reputation"

"You're such a dork"

83. Who is the one that sees the big picture, while the other focus’s on the small details?

"I think we're both kind of big picture people"

"No, babe, you are obsessive over minute details"

"No I'm not!"

"Everything takes you twice as long because you are constantly quadruple checking if its ok"

"..."

"and you get so stressed when you're given a project or a problem that's even the tiniest bit vague"

"well, I-"

"And don't even get me started on when you're cleaning, you always take forever because you go through every single item you've ever owned even if you know you're gonna toss or keep it"

"Okay, I feel really attacked right now" Makki laughs

84. What would they write on their partner’s social media’s for their anniversary?

"I usually go with a tried and true mixture of sappy and funny. I post a couple photo of us that I like or just a standalone of him and I give a cute little snippet talking about how lucky I am"

"Every year I just go on a rant about how much I love her. I'm always overwhelmed on anniversaries so I keyboard smash my way through the post."

85. Who is bad at math?

"Me, I don't understand any of it. Hiro is actually pretty good at it though"

86. Who googles everything?

"I've caught her trying to google where her glasses are"

"OKAY to be FAIR I was googling to see what the most likely places would be, it was just to give me ideas"

"And where were they?"

"*sigh* in the fridge"

"why?"

"because I was on autopilot and I assumed it was the butter"

87. Who does stuff on impulse?

"Oh, me. Ori does sometimes but she always regrets whatever she impulse did"

"its normally shopping and then I'm sad because I'm broke again"

88. How do they comfort each other when they are helpless to do anything about the situation?

"honestly? We learned this the hard way, but...just being there, letting them know they can lean on you when they need to. Being a pillar and giving them the space and comfort to let them tell you what they need and how you can help. Communication is so important in a relationship"

"You said you learned that the hard way? What do you mean by that?"

Ori and Makki share a look

"It's a long story. Another time, maybe"

89. What is an inside joke they have?

They both immediately start laughing

"Are you also thinking-"

"Yes! What about-"

"*incoherent wheezing*"

"well there's the-"

"or the-"

"oh my god remember-"

all the sentences go unfinished, laughter dissolving any chance of you ever figuring any of them out.

90. Who makes the other smile with almost no effort at all?

"I think its mutual, sometimes we will literally just look at each other and we'll smile without even realizing it."

"We're so gross"

"Ugh, I know." But they smile at each other

91. What is their favourite holiday?

"New years! Christmas is always nice but its stressful with gift giving. New years is always stress free and a good time, plus Ori loves visiting the shrines the next day"

"It's so peaceful, and seeing everyone pay their respects fills me with an overwhelming appreciation for humanity."

92. Who is the one that is calm and collected while the other is angry and destructive?

Ori pouts.

"I'm the angry one. I know I am. I'm a menace"

"You're not a menace babe, you just feel a little more than others"

"Are you like high right now or something? What has got you so wise and therapist-y"

"Love." Makki wiggles his eyebrows as she scoffs, her soft giggles betraying the eye roll

93. What is their favourite board game to play?

"Clue!"

94. Who accidentally sets something on fire?

"Okay, it's me, it's happened more than once too"

"She doesn't know the first thing about safety in the kitchen"

"I want to argue so bad but I just know I can't" she sighs

95. Who has the car ready while the other is robbing the store?

"I'm robbing. Ori would get distracted"

"valid"

96. What artist/group did they go to for their first concert?

"Mother Mother"

"It was INSANE"

97. Who sleep talks?

"Hiro does" Ori starts giggling, pulls up the sleep app on her phone

"Wanna listen?"

98. Who is the more social one?

"Oh, me, definitely. She is more talkative but Ori rarely initiated conversation with new people or if she's in a new environment at all"

99. What are their karaoke songs?

"I have to be absolutely trashed before we even attempts Karaoke but we do a duet and its either Bohemian Rhapsody or one of our cheesy love songs"

100. Who would get up on stage and make a fool of themselves just to make the other laugh?

"Hiro!! He does it all the time and I love him for it"

"Awh, love you too babe"

"And that's a wrap!"

Makki looks at Ori, grabbing her hand and instinctively intertwining their hands together. "Ready to go, stinky?"

Ori smiles, bringing their entangled hands up to lips as she presses a soft kiss to his skin.

"Ready."

#orimakki #whispers #familiars #flora #this was so fun and it took me SO LONG because i decided to make it stupid complicated lmao #but I'm so happy with it its cheesy as hell and I don't even care lmao #thank you for sending this in flora!! sweet angel you are too good to me :D<3

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recklessrex · 4 years

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Jellicle-ho did this and now I also want to rank my favorite Cats. So I wrote this instead of writing about Sullivan.

Long Post Warning

To start with I don't hate/dislike any of them. The ones toward the bottom of the list tend to be ones I just think about less often, or don't feel like I connect to as well. Based on 1998 for simplicity's sake.

1) Munkustrap

My baby. Munk's always been my favorite from the very start. It's not just the hero thing, it's not just that Michael Gruber's a handsome mf, it's how he interacts with the others. He's so loving and protective, but at the same time so done with everyone's bullshit (when bullshittery occurs). And then there's the underlying anxiety issues we're all pretty sure he deals with that makes me just want to hug him. He just so clearly wants everyone to be happy and safe. It melts my heart how much joy he gets from seeing his tribe happy. Watch when Deuteronomy shows up in 1998, after he greets him himself (before which he steps aside so others can greet him first cuz he's a sweetheart), he spends most of the walk to the stairs soaking in how happy all the others are and being utterly overjoyed. Add to that his deep, devoted love for his father and how diligently he looks after him, his clear affection for his little brother Tugger despite being more done with his bullshit than anyone else's (Tugger don't touch the bagpip. Tugger no), his strong, tender bond with Alonzo and how smoothly they work together in a crisis, and his sometimes subtle, sometimes not-so-subtle crush on Demeter (notice that she's the only one other than Alonzo that HE approaches right before the Gumbie Cat and the only one he uses both hands to reach out to during that). Also his snark and sass, when he lets it out, is an utter joy. And I love the way he can assert his dominance with just a glance if the situation calls for it (watch him with Cassandra in Grizabella's first scene), but still rarely ever pulls rank like that. Overall he's a really fun character to watch for me, as well as to think about and (if I get around to it) write about.

2) Demeter

My other baby. (I'm so happy my two babies love each other). She's such a complex character. Her backstory of abuse and her current dealings with PTSD as a result are only the jumping off point. I love her moments of bravery, like jumping on Mac to protect the tribe despite everything she's been through. Courage isn't about not being afraid, it's about doing what needs to be done despite your fears. She's the most courageous member of the tribe and I love her so much. As for her relationships with the others, she has a much less subtle crush on Munk than he does on her, but she's so shy about it (and he's so damn polite) I doubt they'd ever get off the ground without a little help. She's so adorable in the way she looks at him, in 1998 she has a particular smile different from her other smiles that seems to be just for him. I also love her connection with Bomba, I feel like if she and Munk ever got off the ground it would be with Bomba's encouragement. Bomba is always there to hold her up when she feels small. While Munk makes her feel safe, Bomba makes her feel strong. So this is why Demelustrap is my OT3 thank you for coming to my TED talk.

3) Mungojerrie

Acts like a dumbass, is actually a genius. (Fight me). I love characters like this. Contradictions. Like brave strong Munk who is actually more emotionally vulnerable than he lets on, or nervous timid Demeter who bravely confronted the person she fears most. Mungo seems fundamentally clueless in most situations but I think he's just a carefree goofball, at least when the stakes are low. He and Teazer are both clever enough to get away with all sorts of mischief, and I don't think it's a "Teazer is the smart one" situation. I mean Teazer is probably smarter, but they need smarts on both sides. I also love how smoothly they work together as a team. Mungo ranks higher for those adorable "clueless" moments and for being a lovable goof.

4) Rumpleteazer

Acts like a bimbo, is actually a genius. To a lesser extent than Mungo in that she acts way less clueless than he does, and her antics are usually more obviously silliness rather than dumbassery. Would be higher but I just like Mungo's goofy aesthetic a bit more. I'd also like to take this time to note I do NOT think they are siblings. (Fight me. Again)

5) Mistoffolees

Another of those contradictions I love. He's simultaneously shy and showy, bold and insecure. He doesn't quite know who he is yet, but he knows who he wants to be. He's also adorable to watch, with his little hops and poses. His relationship with Tugger is adorable, whether you see them as mates or BFFs (both? both. both is good), and his obvious crush on Victoria is equally adorable (more NOT siblings!). The way he melts when she smiles at him toward the beginning of 1998 *sigh* so cute

6) Alonzo

Sorry @jellicle-ho I do love him lots, but he doesn't make the top five simply because I feel closer to Misto and the Chaos Twins (just an expression, not siblings!) on a spiritual level. He's still one of the best characters. He has his "contradiction" element of being cocky but somewhat insecure, and I especially love that he's just as serious as he is playful. He's also a slinky, sassy bastard and a blast to watch on stage.

7) Victoria

Woo boy. Okay first of all, since it seems to be a major factor, the contradiction element. She seems like a shy, reserved, almost demure young lady at first, but she's actually that quietly sassy serene girl at the Alpha bitch's lunch table, the one that's actually nice and doesn't participate in putting down the weird kid no one likes. But she's still gonna judge you. I love every moment of Victoria-sideeye in the 1998 video. And of course there's her whole side plot which basically revolves around her being extremely DTF, which is quite the opposite of "demure." Also her obvious crush on Misto is also adorable, the way she smiles at him, ugh like the only reason she danced with Plato instead is because Misto was too shy to approach her (also Plato has much better upper body strength so hey ho, hey hue, let's go Pas de Deux). She's also so very graceful and elegent and then there's her "omg why!?" flexibility which make her fascinating to watch.

8) Pouncival

Precious child. Precious little jackass brat. No but really I love him so much he's such a brat but also like he's tiny? And he wants to be cool sooo bad! The way he runs in for his "and bright!" all excited, I just can't. He has this sort of quiet, but enthusiastic demeaner of someone that knows he's not the star, but hopes to be, and he's bursting with energy in a pseudo-controlled way that I find more compelling than Etcetera's brand of enthusiasm. I love his acrobatics, whether they're super smooth, adorably clumsy, or straight up pratfalls. I love how 14-years-old he is. You can see him getting bored in that teenage "okay grampa you've told this story forty times already" kind of way during part of Gus's song. I love how adorably menacing he looks during the Naming of Cats. I just love the baby. He is very baby.

9) Bombalurina

She's beauty. She's grace. She'll smack you in the face. She's sexy and she knows it. She's such a confident, strong woman, and while she's the most overtly sexualized character, I kind of find it's even more empowering, you know? Like the idea that a woman can be both sexy and strong, she doesn't have to pick one. Bomba is walking proof that being strong, bold, and tough is not inherently "masculine," nor is protecting others. Don't get me wrong, I love strong female characters of all varieties, I'm not here to knock the tomboy trope, but when a strong female character is also sexually liberated it's just a different level of empowerment. Not just the deconstruction of "masculine/feminine" lines, but also in the "my body, my life, my choice" kind of way. Further, I absolutely love her relationship with Demeter. I personally support the mates, bffs, and siblings hcs because they honestly work so well as any of these (but as mentioned above, Demelustrap is my OT3, despite not always getting strong Bombastrap vibes). Her protectiveness and desire to comfort Demeter is so beautiful. Maybe it's the contradiction thing that I love so much. Strong, bold Bomba has her most tender moments when looking after Demeter. Idk. Moving on!

10) Rum Tum Tugger

He's beauty. He's… grace? He probably won't smack you in the face. He's sexy and he SO knows it. Tugger is walking proof that certain stereotyped "feminine" traits aren't inherently feminine, or to put it another way, he breaks down what it means to be "masculine." Think about it. Cares about his looks, beautiful luxurious long hair, wiggles his hips, wiggles his hips more, wiggles his hips when he walks, struts like a model on a runway, shakes his chest to be sexy, idolizes a cute boy, fashionable clothes (knee-bandana ftw!), all stereotypical "girly" traits, but would anyone describe Tugger as "girly"? Anyway, that's not even what I love most about him. I actually used to dislike him as a kid, but these days I can't get enough of him. Most of the time he just oozes positive vibes in one way or another, be it party vibes or laid back vibes. Most of his screentime in 1998 is such a good time because of that. He has such an energy and ferocity to him during his dance numbers, especially the second half of the Jellicle Ball in 1998. And then there's his quiet moments, especially the affection he shares with Munk while singing about their dad (omg the respect and affection he feels for both of them, coming from such a self-loving bastard it just ahhhhhh), and then after Deuteronomy comes back I just can't he's so sweet omg. Not to mention his whole relationship with Misto. Aside from the whole idolizing thing, which is adorable, he also is so supportive and encouraging. He just naturally bleeds confidence and good vibes, but he deliberately offers that confidence to Misto when he needs it. It's so beautiful and I'm gonna cry. I used to ship him with Bomba, but these days I hc them as friends with occasional benefits that like to place bets on how far interactions between Munk and Deme will go before one of them chickens out or gets awkward, and on which one will be the awkward chicken this time.

Wow I talked a lot about Tugger and he's only #10. Okay well, you folks ready to get controversial?

11) Macavity

I know I know, hear me out. I know most people interpret him as a total bastard with no redeeming qualities but like, I don't read him that way? Anyway I have complicated feelings about Mac but I'll get more into it in another post. As a character in the show I do really like him as a villain, I love his laugh, I love his "no look guys it's okay I brought him back see he's over there heheheh" gesture before he shows up in disguise, I love how show-boaty and "totally hyped for this" he is when he reveals himself, I love his "no wait please don't hurt me it's cool I'm leaving" gesture at Alonzo after the Jellicles start ganging up on him, he's just a blast of a character really, whether he's redemable or not.

12) Old Deuteronomy

Sweetest man you'll ever know. His compassion for the entire tribe is so sweet it hurts. He even feels love and understanding for Griz, and (futiley) tries to persuade the others to accept her, even subtley scolding them after the first "Memory" with his "Moments of Happiness." He loves his sons especially, and I adore every moment he interacts with either of them. He also can bring the sass, see his 'chin up' posture before Tugger bows to him, which I always read as them playfully teasing each other, or his little eye-roll when Munk gets a bit extra talking about the fire brigade. On that note, how into Munk's little play he is, even though it's going wrong. He keeps making encouraging gestures at Munk and reacting with surprise at the right moments (when Munk is looking at least lol). Anyway he's great moving on.

13) Jennyanydots

Jenny is that cool aunt that hangs out and has fun but also won't put up with your nonsense. She's so great I love her so much. She's honestly just a blast all the time I love her so much what can I say? I hc her as teaching Tumblebrutus how to sew. I don't know why.

14) Electra

Ah the "quiet" kitten. I read her as the tough tomboyish one of the girl kittens, and I hc her as sort of in training as a protector, and that's why she's more serious than the others. In 1998 she seems to look up to Munk, being the first to greet him before Gumbie Cat, and nuzzling him during Old Deuteronomy. 1998 Electra also has a lot of little adorable motions like licking her paws during Old Deuteronomy and retrieving the Peke paw from the middle of stage and than posing/playing with it during the Pekes and the Pollicles. I also love her freckles and her pink arm warmer. Massively underrated character.

15) Tumblebrutus

SPINNY. BALLET. BOI. Nuff said. But I'm gonna say more. He keeps up with Misto in ballet and exceeds Pounce in acrobatics, and as such is fascinating to watch. Also Brutus's struggle between his playful instincts and his desire to impress his elders is so adorable.

16) Admetus/George

First of all I first knew him as Admetus long long ago, and he will always be Admetus to me. Sorry. Second, omg this lovely, happy, wonderfully expressive boi. His face at literally any point in 1998 is such a gem.

17) Jemima

Speaking of great expressions, how bout Jemima? She's so cute and sweet! I love her whole deal of understanding Griz's pain and trying to get the rest of the tribe to understand. The only reason she's not higher up is because I somehow don't emotionally connect with her like I do some of the other kittens.

18) Coricopat

The more laid-back and playful half of the mystic twins. The twins in general are cool af, but Corico ranks higher for being more relatable.

19) Skimbleshanks

BUBBLY. TRAIN. DAD. Nuff said. Buttttt I'm gonna say more! Skimble is your best friend's dad that is always chaperoning on field trips but that's okay because he's actually pretty fun to be around most of the time. I love his cheerful expressions and his little jigs. His song is so much fun. And I love the relationship between him and Spara in 1998. More on that below

20) Asparagus

Okay so Spara is your other best friend's dad (or your best friend's other dad) who sometimes tries too hard to be cool and connect with the kids but that's okay because he's so nice and besides it's kind of adorable? What I find most adorable about Spara though is how hard he's crushing on Skimble. Like even if you hc them as already in a relationship, he really just can't get enough of Train Dad. Look at how Spara smiles at Skimble ALL THE DAMN TIME. He's practically blushing at multiple points during Skimble's song. And Skimble tends to gravitate towards Spara quite a bit, and omg that big grin he gives him during the line "sleeping car exprrrrreeesss!" I'm dead. In conclusion I need more Asparashanks content thank you for coming to my TED talk

21) Cassandra

I WANT to like Cassandra better than I do. I really really want to. But I feel like she's just so hard to get to know. I do enjoy her on stage, but as a character with backstory and motives she's a bit hard to work with. That being said she's by no means a flat character. I do hc her as one of the deputy protectors along with Alonzo, and more recently as part of the BFF power trio of her, Alonzo, and Munk, since Alonzo and much more subtley Munk are the only ones she shows any physical affection toward, aside from occasionally hanging out with T-brutus but we'll shelve that for now. I do really enjoy watching her though, she has some really interesting movements and expressions. And she does radiate a sort of "try me, I fucking dare you" vibe that I love a lot.

22) Tantomile

I have the same problem with Tanto that I do with Cass. I just don't feel like I know her very well. She is cool as a mystical psychic character, but that's part of what makes the twins in general cool. So far I haven't been able to connect to her as an individual without her brother, otherwise she would be much higher on this list. She's still cool though.

22) Plato

*Deep breath* okay. I don't dislike Plato. I just.. okay look out of the male kittens/young adults, he's my least favorite. He does have qualities that I really like, like how he's a shy reserved boy on the outside and a fiery passionate soul on the inside. That's cool. Also those intense expressions are pretty cool I guess. I guess I might have less positive feelings about him because everyone assumes Victoria's magically in love now because of the Pas de Deux even though they barely interact otherwise. Which is unfair of me to feel that way. I hc him as struggling with internalized anger and anxiety and having difficulty expressing himself.

23) Etcetera

I'll be honest, I used to find her annoying. This one's pretty much entirely on me, because she has a superficially similar demeanor to a girl that used to bully me in school. But since graduating Cety's grown on me a lot, not in small part due to her wonderful enthusiasm for literally everything. While less compelling to me than Pounce's quieter, more controlled flavor of energetic enthusiasm, her bouncy jubilance still makes me grin and giggle along with her, so that's a major plus.

24) Jellylorum

Jelly is your other cool aunt that worries too much about your safety but also has cool stories to tell and is always doing like art and stuff in her garage. I hc her as the tribe nurse. Would be higher if not for slight Karen-ness.

25) Gus

Only on stage for a short time but he shines. The way he starts out all helpless looking like he doesn't even know where he is and slowly blossoms into singing about his old days with enthusiasm, and then breaking down into tears. He's a great character for the scene that he's in, but unfortunately there's not a lot else to him, so he gets a low spot on the list

26) Grizabella

Oof. Okay so. I get it. She messed up. My hc is… well, complicated, but short version is she never planned on being a mom and has no idea how to be a mom, and so she just let Deut raise Munk and visited occasionally (ahem rarely), but she does end up later spending some time as his primary caregiver, and she fucks up royally, like massive neglect and mild emotional manipulation, and ends up emotionally damaging Munk more than if she'd left him alone. SO with this hc in mind, is she redemable? Idk. But the tribe forgave her so that's what matters. Do I feel sorry for her? Yes. Do I believe she honestly regrets her past actions? …kind of? Yes. Let's go with yes. Does any of this make her my favorite character? Not by a long shot. I have mixed feelings about Grizabella. I don't dislike her I just… don't know how to feel about her.

27) Bustopher Jones

Walking fat joke, but a pleasant walking fat joke. Wish we could have got to know him better than "that cultured fat guy all the toms want to impress." He's fun though. I love his expressions throughout his song, and that toodle-pip! is so adorable.

28) Exotica

Oh Exotica. Who even are you. We don't know you at all. I do like the moment in Old D's song when she's reaching from the outside of the crowd hoping to get to touch him, and he reaches out so she can, and immediately after touching him she drops her hand and backs away, which I read as shy fangirl overload flee the scene omg he touched me omgomgomg. So that was cute. Ummm. I wish she'd stop changing colors every three seconds so I could keep track of her. Other than that, I don't dislike her, I just don't know her well enough to like her.

Omg I made it to the end. Did I forget anybody? I don't think so... Phew, that was so hard! Thanks for reading if you made it this far! :)

#cats musical #long post #cats characters #i ain't tagging all of them #sorry #cats rankings

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nutbanana · 4 years

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haha whewwwwwww sis slap zimzalabim gays hello laid ease ! name is yuno title is local ghosting legend pronouns r she/her nd we are stuck with nutbanana until i come up w a sexie url <3 this is gna be new for those of u who know me but i’m gna be putting everything into a read more for now instead of slapping 3 links nd calling it a day so hold my hand 😳😳 and for those of u who don’t know me i have two hands for a Reason haha,, nd my disco is @ daddy yankee#7776 ! add me let’s go feral nd if u wna plot send me ur favorite heart emoji here or on disco <3

* // 𝙻𝙾𝙰𝙳𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝙿𝚁𝙾𝙵𝙸𝙻𝙴 … /𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙲𝙾𝙽𝙼𝙰𝙽/𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙳𝙸𝚂𝚃𝚁𝙰𝙲𝚃𝙸𝙾𝙽 : umeko saito, also known as hermes, is wanted for grand larceny. she is a twenty two year old female who has ties to the mastermind because of a charity event she was the face of. 𝙰𝚂𝚂𝙾𝙲𝙸𝙰𝚃𝙴𝙳 𝚆𝙸𝚃𝙷 : expensive fancy dresses, flirty stares from across the room, signing with red lipstick, a glass of champagne with diamonds in it. 𝙳𝙾 𝙽𝙾𝚃 𝙼𝙸𝚂𝚃𝙰𝙺𝙴 𝙵𝙾𝚁 : minatozaki sana.

01. background info.

pinterest board ─── umeko saito, twenty two, up-and-coming actress, doesn’t like to label her orientation, would definitely be part of cherry twitter

full list of aesthetics so far ( core to what shaped her ) : eating fruit on a balcony in your silk pyjamas, signing with red lipstick, strap of your dress snapping, flirty stares from across the room, a glass of champagne with diamonds in it, cherries seductively held between lips, expensive fancy dresses

umeko was born and raised into one of the most expensive neighborhoods in manhattan, daughter to a magnate and a socialité nobody thought would get too far together. luxury was the norm from the get go, and the low profile kept by her parents didn’t quite make their name go unnoticed among the elite of new york. summers were spent in the hamptons and on expensive trips, walk-in wardrobe stranger to everything below high-end and glasses of champagne coming in early

stardom was always in the back of her head. she loves being the center of attention, all eyes on her for as long as she can attrack them, and so the hunger only grew bigger the older she got. in her young, twisted mind, there wasn’t anything more eternal than the ineradicable link between character and actor, and she loves playing the role. the first real taste of fame came only a few years ago, and it became insatiable almost insantly. she’s been on the rise ever since and has scored quite a few big roles to be proud of

j came into the picture at a point in umeko’s life where she was having fun, but it wasn’t enough. something more exciting, more thrilling was missing. and so they met at a charity event where rich people feel like they’re contributing something to society by bidding big money for famous paintings where umeko was one of the faces of said event. she did not hesitate to join him. after all, it makes her feel like she’s playing an even bigger, more dangerous role

her code name has a lot to do with her as a person ! as a lil taste before getting to it, initially, it was going to be loki, the most infamous trickster, but she felt it gave too much away too fast, and although she felt it was the perfect code name, she opted for someone whose trickster label got overshadowed by more important duties, and so it came to be hermes, who, in a way, is also perfect for her

02. personality breakdown.

umeko is........ an experience. she may be fun she may be chaotic

umeko saito’s biggest role is life itself, and she will die a legend or risk becoming a fraud. she was born yearning for attention, and she was born a trickster. she has always been manipulative, loved fooling and playing with people and twisting the narrative of herself, enamouring ( trapping ) others, a strange desire to be the dream girl. and she took it upon herself to make the world her personal stage. and maybe she has played the role for so long she has lost a bit of herself on the way, who knows !

everybody’s sweetheart, looks like a saint ─── yet is the devil holding a halo above their head. she loves to stir shit up, always up to something. won’t hesitate to create a scene if it’s needed, asked of her or solely because she’s bored. a lot of her boils down to being, getting bored. she’s a bit batshit, a bit unhinged <3

umeko is flirty. she likes to flirt, it’s fun, it’s another way to fool people, it’s entertaining, it feeds onto this being the girl of people’s dreams thing. it gets her things and opens ways for her, and she thrives off getting people hooked on her, specially men who think they got a chance with her ( they don’t )

she acts like a bimbo and surely looks like it but may not be one. or maybe she is. she could be a baby bimbo. an oblivious bimbo who plays the role of bimbo in real life. you decide because i can’t JKDGVDS

she’s dramatic to the v bone in more ways than one, loves bringing attention to herself and playing dumb, playing clumsy, an airhead, and she’s a bit of everything ( dumb, clumsy, airhead ), but she knows how to exaggerate it to her gain. u won’t catch her calling herself any of that tho

there really isn’t a big scheme, a big story, a trauma behind umeko’s behavior, some people are simply born certain way and she thrives off being this antagonistic, trickster being just because

03. headcanons.

she lives by herself in a duplex penthouse located on the top floor somewhere in manhattan, she bought it with her first big paycheck. she also has a smaller ( to...... her standards ) apartment she got for her 18th birthday from her parents, and it’s where she takes flings or people who aren’t that close to her as not to disclose her real home

she’s the type to break the strap of her dress before walking out of a store with paparazzis waiting outside for her and pose like she’s marilyn monroe fighting against a burst of air with her white dress, and she’s like “omg no ! the strap of my snapped ! what to do ! don’t take pics or maybe do aha x”

most definitely checks tabloids and stuff after she pulls one of those numbers to grab attention so she can see the reactions And the pics. also probably has a neat instagram feed

she’s the epitome of “all girls do is 🥺🥺🥺🥺” and “girls always trynna ‘🥺🥺🥺‘ their way out of everything”. that’s her

loves cute two pieces pyjamas. silk ones, velvet ones, lace ones, and especially the see-through robes with fur you pair up with cute lingerie and pieces. when at home she’s usually in those, long robe big fur glass of wine in hand, and if not she’s wearing an expensive baddie dress she has no business wearing for no reason

she enjoys dating on and off, having flings, random sex. usually nothing too serious and without too many strings to get tangled in. would she be able to commit ? yes, probably, she daydreams about it sometimes, but it wouldn’t be so easy

despite umeko’s passion for creating a scene and stirring up the pot, she isn’t mean, nor is she someone who is found in conflicts or fights often, if at all. she tends to get along well with everyone ─── she’s playful, a bit crazy, and fairly outgoing. she’s nice despite all her antics. but there is one person that brings out the worst of her, though: nandy freda richardson, fellow new york city socialité with a shared feud going twenty years strong ! they have known each other since they were little and it has kept escalating ever since 💔 it ranges from petty, insignificant antics to more serious, real shit stuff. the catalyst ? nandy somehow managing to make umeko lose a minor role on a small movie she was really anticipating. umeko’s response ? selling her out to aspen when he came asking for more intel on rich people he could rob: she gave him all the information he needed, carefully crafted a foolproof plan then gifted aspen an all - expenses luxury vacation to a destination of his choice <3 umeko was like yeah ? ok i lose my role and you lose your safety money and that one of a kind dress i wanted aha x

when she was sixteen her then boyfriend cheated on her with some chick. the lad pulled the infamous move of playing single and messing with the girl’s heart, so she was unaware of their relationship and was left as mortified as umeko. umeko, though, felt humiliated and, above everything, disrespected, and she also felt for the other girl who was just as much a victim as herself. so umeko made sure he regretted even thinking of disgracing their worth and set for revenge: over the span of a few years she snatched five consecutive girlfriends, one after the other <3 she also kept a good relationship with the girl he cheated on her with

#nocte:intro #i always start writin my intros @ dick in the morning nd then This happens .#wht if i become a y*outuber nd make tht my opening line . what do we think ladies #i woke up this morning nd decided i hated most of wht i had written so i had to restart <3

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petitetiddiez · 4 years

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Favourite of your own characters.

Oh that’s really hard! It changes a lot, but as of right now I think it’s this:

1. Preeti - She’s honestly like the world’s hottest lesbian to me??? This gorgeous, outdoorsy musician who’s just a little big egotistical, but has a soft side. Kind of stereotypical, but I just love it. I’m a sucker for that kind of oc. Plus, she’s really cute with her girlfriend (who was almost on the list but JUST BARELY missed it)

2. Helen (who is now latina/indian like she DESERVES) - A huge brat that I’ve owned for many many years and who has been through MANY different fandoms (including some original work set in medieval times). She’s my baby--she’s complicated and deep and has one of the most in-depth backstories of any oc. She’s fun to ship and I can always think of good interactions for her. I just. Would die for her.

3. Tiffany - She’s new, but she’s another stereotype I really like: bimbos who are smart, but just unconventionally so. She’s obviously based really heavily on Elle Woods from Legally Blonde but also has developed her own kind of thing. She’s girly, but knows how to speak her mind; she’s privileged, but tries to be aware of it and put other people in the spotlight; she’s gay, but wants what most girly teeny-boppers want out of a relationship. She’s just fun to write, and I really love ocs that are just NICE FUCKING PEOPLE. Plus, her hair is super fun to draw!

4. Phaerie - I love old school Punk and other counter-culture movements, so that is what Phaerie encompasses. I also used to have a HUGE fixation on Drow (dark elves, a race in Forgotten Realms and other fantasy settings) and that’s originally what Phae was. She’s wild and fun and impulsive, she’s hilarious, she’s EVERYTHING I WANT in an oc! She’s so fun to rp as well. She has her soft side, her talents, her flaws, but they all feel like the most sensible ones? Like her actions are wild, but her motivations and development is simple and relatable. She struggled and felt like she had to force her way into the world, so she forces her way into EVERYTHING and fuck anybody who doesn’t like that. Plus, it’s fun to draw super punky or glam rock outfits for her to wear AND she’s based on Pizzazz from Jem and the Holograms so where can you go wrong??

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5. Xander - So he’s uh... Also based on some existing characters. But, he’s become enough of his own oc to where I feel comfortable sharing.

My favorite game EVER is Baldur’s Gate, and there’s a certain mod that makes you able to romance the character Xan... Who I totally love and always end up romancing even though I’m a lesbian. This is Xan

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MY Xan has developed into a super depressed bartender. He’s Jewish and anxious and has an insanely huge family that constantly picks on him because he’s anxious and easy to pick on. He grew up into a mess of an adult, especially since his only real skill is cheap magic tricks. He can’t keep a relationship because he’s so cynical and self-sabotaging, but he REALLY wants one and is a freak for romantic comedies. Whenever he manages to date a girl for long enough (and he usually picks girls who treat him badly because he doesn’t think he deserves better), he tries to make some big romantic gesture and fucks it up. He’s a mess and a slob. I adore him.

6. Xanthe - Yet another anxious wreck of a person, but this time the MOST anxious wreck there is. She’s agoraphobic, overly-critical, and her entire life is online. She’s a lesbian, but hasn’t figured that out yet and instead thinks she’s aro/ace. She’s very good with details and complex problems, which manifests in her being a talented programmer. SHe’s also a hacker by trade, paid to hack into company servers and point out their flaws so the company can patch those up. She also likes models and dolls--anything with lots of tiny parts and details that she can obsess over to pass the time.

7. Jules - First of all: he’s Helen’s half-brother and I love him. Jules was a really dramatic character back in the day, but after meeting his future wife he’s developed into more of a comedic character. He’s a loser musician--not UNTALENTED but also lacking any of the motivation to do what he needs to do to make a living with music. He’s... basically a slutty bisexual bard who has settled down and chilled out. Idk, he’s just funny. I love him. He also has the MOST detailed backstory of all my ocs--it’s about 20 pages long if written out. It’s. Whew. A lot.

8. Manda - Based on one of my best friends, she’s another extremely detailed oc (probably #2 behind Jules). She would’ve been my favorite, but since I’ve kind of ‘finished’ her story I find myself not using her much. She’s the spoiled child of a shady ass celebrity lawyer and doesn’t care about much of anything EXCEPT her skill as an actress. She struggled in relationships, thinking she was bi pretty much until she met her wife and NEVER UNDERSTANDING WHY she got so attached to the women she dated. She met her wife on a reality show, they dated long distance, and then Manda flew her to California to be together forever. Her story is crazy (she was married to her weed dealer for a while??) and I think her becoming the head of a production company after a successful film career is the perfect ending for her.

9. Nia - Not a lot to say about Nia, but more I love her design and I’m excited to develop her more? Mom friend lesbian ballerina twin. Love it. Really outspoken and direct.

10. Rae - I have a huge soft spot for Rae because I think she’s the most similar to me?? Creative young girl from a small town who desperately wants to go somewhere more accepting. Spent most of her time online, and when she finally goes to college she goes ALL OUT trying to join every club, befriend all kinds of people, follow all the trends, and be the ‘It Girl’. It’s exhausting and she ends up crashing a lot of the time, but her optimistic/bubbly personality keeps her going. I said before that I love perky nice characters and that’s Rae to a T. Also she’s poly/bi so that makes her fun to work with when it comes to shipping

#Anonymous

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walkinsauce · 7 years

Text

Becoming Poly- Chapter 14: My Turn

Sorry I didn’t blog last week. Do you know how hard it is to write about polyamory under the same roof as your parents? I was scared one of them was going to pop in and ask,

“Christina, why do you need that bottle of wine in your room?”

“Paper weight.”

So, ya, I’m sure hundreds of self help books would call that an “excuse” for not writing, but trust me: it felt TOO CREEPY. You try to write about sex while your parents are in the next room watching My Three Sons. See how you feel. I would, however, like to thank all my Tumblr readers for hitting the heart button on all my blogs. Quick shout outs to:

ilove-seductive-mature attractive-milf-girls hot-elder-chamber fat-milf-foxy-imgs bimbo-slutty-girlz fuck-sexy-fat-pussies fucking-amazing-fat-cunts jugs-nice-pictures

It’s good to know I’ve found my audience. Though I do wish you guys would put some capital letters in your names. You’re better than that.

I’ve calmed down from my boyfriend’s first “other sex” in our relationship. I’m pretty lucky that I have so many people reaching out to me, who are better versed in open relationships than I am. A particular comic friend in Florida always sums it up so well:

“Your primary is your home. These other people are the Disneylands and carnivals of the world. Fun day excursions, but you don’t want it every day.”

I think that’s my problem: Part of me would prefer to be the Disneyland. And good news for you, I’m way cheaper.

I still have a crush on the one guy I texted at O’Brien’s the day of my breakdown. I know he’s wary of the poly thing, and knowing my boyfriend, but I can’t help it. I’ve known him for years. I’ve had a crush on him for a year. I can’t help it if I’m a coward, and don’t know how to approach him. (Especially considering the circumstances.) Me sending him Snapchats that he’ll never open is enough of a rush for me.

It’s Friday night. I’m sitting at Ollo, as I often do during happy hour, wondering what I’m going to do when all the regulars go home at 8pm. It’s not a party city. We could use a Malibu’s Most Wanted reboot out here. But with the tiny bit of confidence I get from deep fried zucchini sticks and house wine, I decide to text my crush:

“Do you ever open Snapchat anymore, or am I sending things to an archive…?”

(With a smirky face emoji, obvi.)

He writes back minutes later.

“Hahahaha! I just watched the snaps! They made me laugh!”

It was at least a month’s worth of events, even capturing his own roommates. It must have been quite the montage.

“Thanks for sending them! I’m sorry I’m the worst. They were really funny. How long have you been sending them?”

Oh months. They’re my favorite seed I’ve ever planted.

“You might have just gotten something from me.”

I open Snapchat and see his name light up in full arrowed purple. I’m ridiculously excited for a girl my age. I’m starting to tune out the old man beside me bragging about how he gave Rosie O’Donnell her big break. That’s how you can tell I keep it real in this town- I’d much rather chase romance than my own career. (GOOD MOVE, EH?)

He writes again:

“I just finished a show in Hermosa Beach and I got to watch a lady heckle another comedian by saying, “we’re never going to be friends.”

Wow. The edginess of Hermosa Beach hecklers. What’s next? No tip? Shocking. I’m walking home, past people sleeping in their cars. At least my career is going better than theirs. But it’s a good reminder there’s no parking restrictions on PCH. Man, if any road needs some street cleaning…

It takes us another 18 texts to finally figure out we should meet up, but when he writes,

“I’d be down to meet up somewhere!”

I’m immediately wet. (It happens fast at my age.) He suggests the exact two bars in Santa Monica I was going to suggest. Power of the Leo and Sagittarius. (I probs just lost nine readers by referencing astrology.)

I get to Rick’s on Main Street slightly before him. I don’t have my real glasses on me, cuz I’ve been wearing my prescription sunglasses all day. Didn’t expect to be out past sunset, cuz that’s Malibu “night life.” So I’m going to be mildly blind all night. People always tell me,

“You should get laser eye surgery.”

Why the fuck would I do that? My glasses cover at least a dozen lines on my face. I’m thinking about getting a new pair, with thicker rims. I’m growing out bangs next. The date will be fine as long as I don’t send him into the kitchen when he asks where the bathroom is.

Now here’s the grey area…

Do I tell my bf right now that I’m going to meet this crush? I don’t know anything is going to happen. There’s a good chance we will just be two (ASTROLOGICAL PERFECT MATCHES) drinking buddies in a bar. Two comics, talking shop. Do we really need to set off the alarm before there’s a fire? As per my communication skills, I think def not. Like this blog, I will leave it till the last minute. (Typed at 3:13am, 4:45am after proofreading.)

I’m pretty sure I look like shit, but the good thing about somebody knowing me through comedy, is they always see me looking like shit. I’ve never been super comfortable looking “good” on stage. Maybe this comes from starting stand up 19 years ago, and always fearing women wouldn’t like me if I looked pretty. Most of the women in a comedy club are on dates, and I would literally get glares as they gripped their men. So early in my career, I started to wear hoodies on stage, and cover as much skin as possible. It was my passive aggressive way of saying,

“Don’t look at me. Listen to me.”

(Also, “I’m not here to steal your boyfriend. I’m here to make forty bucks.”)

This is another reason I love the rise of feminism: I pray it means the death of catty-ism. (An energy I sadly grew up with.)

So ya, back to the poly stuff: I’m on an impromptu date with my crush, my bf doesn’t really know, I look like shit, but can’t see that cuz I left my glasses at home. He walks in the bar and I’m almost in shock that we’re together. I think it’s been months since we’ve been in the same room together. And since when did I start going after things I want…?

I’m shockingly comfortable around him. That’s a plus about bonding with someone while you’re in a relationship. You don’t try as hard to sell yourself as when you’re single. You’re just you, and if they don’t like it, who cares? (I admire people who are like this all the time.)

He suggests we go to Chez Jay next. Ooooooooh, I love a new bar. Never been. So excited. Even more excited that he’s ditched his car, and will get it in the morning. I love a man who drinks responsibly. (Is this how I book a MADD commercial, or do I still need to have babies?)

Chez Jay is great. I like having bars like this on my radar. The conversation is going steady, tho I’m praying my primary and polyamory doesn’t come up. I just want to enjoy this night, as it is. The same way I did as a single person. I really don’t want to dive into the politics of it all. I think I’m more terrified that talking about it will scare him away…

When Chez Jay closes, he asks me if I wanna come over for some porch beers.

Yup. You know I do.

Again… is this the moment I text my bf and let him know I’m going over to a guy’s house? I mean technically, there’s a good chance nothing will happen. Seems too soon to ring the alarm. And if there’s one expression comedians know, it’s “too soon.”

He gets us an Uber/Lyft, whichever- most cars in town have both stickers. When we get to his house, I hit the bathroom. Every girl’s most investigative move in a dude’s house. Is his hand towel also his bath towel? Is this a one towel wonder situation? Does he own toilet paper? I don’t make it that far, because I’ve sprayed surprise period all over my undies. (If those Tumblr names didn’t scare you away, this surely will, eh?)

I search the cupboards for anything remotely handy in this moment. There’s nothing. Maybe I should hit the kitchen, and look for coffee filters. Those should work, right?

Nah, I’ll just do the ol’ “tie toilet paper around my underwear” move. It’s the move you do when you first get your period, in case you don’t know. (I FEEL SO YOUNG AGAIN! MAYBE I DON’T NEED BANGS!)

Porch beers are the best. I’m a fan of his roommates. We’re all having a great time, but then…

Something more unexpected than my bloody kitty happens. This beautiful, young blonde chick walks up to the porch.

“Hey, I live across the street. All my friends went to sleep, so I thought I’d come introduce myself.”

Holy. Mother. Trucker. It’s 3:00am. This isn’t the moment I was expecting competition…

But here we are.

The guys grab her a beer. Now again, I am not into “catty-ism.” BUT- I am a share holder of “insecurity-ism.” And if I were any one of these guys on this porch, I would def hit on this chick instead of me. She’s legit extremely cool. There’s a part of me that wonders if this is fate’s little way of saying,

You’re not ready to pop your poly cherry yet.

I never rang the alarm. I can still get out of this… innocently?

Either way, I think she might be might be my personal savior (another word I spell wrong cuz I’m Canadian and think there’s a “u” in it.)

“Do you have a tampon?”

“Of course! Come on over!”

She takes me over to her apartment, and literally gives me all her pads cuz she doesn’t use them. Bonus. My favourite sleep aid. I fucking love this girl.

We head back over to the boys, and I know I’m drunk, bleeding and tired. I ask my crush if there’s a place I can crash. He escorts me to his roommate’s room, and tucks me in. (Don’t worry- the roommate wasn’t there. That would have been the real poly, eh?)

As I fall asleep, like a loser at a slumber party who goes to bed first, I can’t help but think,

“He’s a great guy. She’s a great girl. If they hook up, I’m fine with it.”

PRACTICE COMPERSION! Why is compersion so much easier when you’re not dating someone? I fall asleep/pass out- which ever you like to believe at this hour. In the morning, I wake up in a super funny comedian’s bed. Alone. I make the bed, as a sure fire way to say “a chick was here” and text my crush.

“Oh I wanna say bye, but I don’t know what room is yours.”

I can’t just knock on random doors… Plus he might not be alone. I def don’t want to interrupt kinky times with the pad donor. All of a sudden, one of the roommates pops out of his room. I ask him which room is _______’s and he shows me. In this moment, I know I’m risking becoming a piece of gossip my boyfriend might hear…

And not through me…

I lightly knock on the door. When I hear a groggy “come in” I open the door.

There’s NO hot, cool, tampon savior chick in his bed. He’s just sleeping, post drinking style, alone.

“Oh, I just wanted to say goodbye…”

And then, without saying another word, I crawl into bed with him.

#polyamory #poly #relationships #ollo #malibu #snapchat #comedians #comedians who date #Chez Jay #Santa Monica #Too Soon #MADD #polyam positivity #polyamourous #polyamorous #christina Walkinshaw #walkinsauce

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n3rdybird · 7 years

Text

"You're not packing, are you?"

Sons of Anarchy Reader/Tig

Just a little one-shot using a handful of prompts.

“I want my girl back.” “I’ve moved on.” “I’m sorry, what were you saying? I keep getting lost in your eyes.”

You waved good night to your coworkers as you headed to your car. Tucking your keys and wallet under your arm, you ran your fingers through your hair, freeing it from the semi updo you keep it in while working.

Your phone buzzed, vibrating against your skin, alerting you to a new message. Pausing next to your car, you checked your texts. On top of a rather shitty night, you were being assailed by numerous texts from your blind date from the week previous. He was adamant about a second date.

The first date wasn’t the worst you’d been on, but something about him rubbed you the wrong way. Every time he opened his mouth, you had an indescribable urge to murder him, or at the very least shut him up permanently. A habit, you believed, you picked up from your previous lover.

As you pondered whether or not to text him back to tell him to fuck off, or just ghost him since he didn’t seem to take a hint, you didn’t notice someone walk up behind you.

“Hey beautiful,” the familiar voice said, breaking the silence, and making you go zero to 100 in awareness.

You jumped reflexively, letting out a girlish shriek, as you tried to zero in on the source.

“Jesus Christ Tig, you scared the shit out of me,” you huffed.

“Sorry darling, didn’t mean to,” he said, though the amusement in his eyes betrayed his sincerity.

You scoffed.

“Yeah, ‘cause sneaking up on an unsuspecting woman, in a dark parking lot, isn’t creepy at all.”

You shook your head and turned to get in your car and leave. Tig put his hand on your car door, stopping you from opening it.

“Well you wouldn’t answer my calls and the last time I showed up at your house, you pointed a gun at me.”

He took a step back and squinted at you in the dim light, taking in your shorts and fitted tee.

“You aren’t packing are you?” he asked, patting the small of your back for a gun.

You swatted his hands away when his finger tips made contact with the bare skin peeking out under the hem of your shirt.

“What do you want Alex?”

He caught your hands with his, turning you around to face him. He was quiet, and stroked your fingers with a feather light touch. It was a cheap move. He knew his hands was one of your favorite parts of his body.

“I want my girl back.”

You looked to the side, annoyed. His girl. The last time you talked, you were wanting to take things to the next level, be serious, monogamous. But in true Trager fashion, he brushed it off, turning to a crow eater for the rest of the party.

“Well we don’t always get what we want. Something you made clear when you fell mouth first on that bimbo sweetbutt.”

He raked his hand through his already wild hair.

“That was a dick move. I admit that. But-”

“But nothing. Are you apologizing or making excuses?” You weren’t about to let this get brushed under the rug. It had nearly killed you to see him kiss someone else. And have murderous thoughts. Towards him or the crow eater.

He sighed, bringing your gaze to his. Damn those baby blues.

“I’m sorry (Y/N).”

The sincerity in his voice made your heart break. Where was this Alex when you confessed your steadily growing love?

“Apology accepted. But I’ve moved on, and so should you,” you said, the lie not sounding convincing even to your ears.

Tig chuckled.

“You mean that vegan musician asshole? Babe, I could hear your legs clamp shut as soon as he started talking.”

You smacked his arm.

“Did you follow me? Of course you fucking did. Of all the dick moves you could have pulled, you stalked me? Even if he was a douchebag, who I date is none of your business-”

Tig just watched your face in amusement. He fucking loved riling you up, when your eyes flashed, and your nose would crinkle. Your expressions were so animated, and he could watch you all day.

You noticed him zone out during your rant, a pleased smile on his face.

“Tig, are you even listening?!” All you wanted to do was smack the smug expression off his face. He smiled and cupped your face, making sure to not break eye contact.

“I’m sorry, what were you saying? I seem to keep getting lost in your eyes,” he whispered, his voice deep and husky.

You opened your mouth to reply, but the words you intended to hurl back at him seemed stuck in your throat as you realized what he said. A blush spread across your face, as you attempted to break eye contact, but he kept your face trapped his his hands. You cut your eyes to the side, unable to take the intensity of his stare.

“You can’t say shit like that,” you said, your voice sounding huffy, like a bratty child who knows they’ve lost.

He laughed, bringing your gaze back to him, causing you to smile as well. He pressed his lips against yours, causing you to back up into your car. Thankful for the sturdy metal behind you, you brought your arms to his neck, your hands carding through his hair.

He released your mouth with a pop, trailing his lips to the shell of your ear.

“Wear my crow.”

It was a statement, not question, and you pulled back. It was fair to be skeptical of the words, after all, getting serious was the problem before.

“You’re serious?” you asked.

“As serious as getting herpes from a $3 dollar hooker, which reminds me-” he said cheekily.

You tugged on his hair, not impressed by his jokes.

“Ow, alright babe. Serious. I’m serious.” He brushed your hair away from your face, trailing his thumb down the bridge of your nose and coming to a stop on your lips.

“I’m serious about you, about us.”

You kissed the pad of his thumb and pulled him down for another kiss. Tig grabbed your ass, hoisting you up as your legs wrapped around his waist.

He maneuvered you to the hood of your car, and set you down. He stayed between your legs, pulling you flush against him.

A buzzing interrupted the silence of the night, causing you to nearly throw the phone away. Tig plucked your phone from your hand and laughed at the name that flashed on the screen.

Douchecanoe calling….

“Vegan pussy musician?” he asked.

You nodded.

“He can’t seem to understand I don’t want a second date.”

Tig winked mischievously and answered the phone.

“You’ve reached (Y/N)’s phone. The sexiest woman in existence. She’s currently indisposed. May I ask who is calling?”

You could hear your blind date sputter and demand to speak to you. You tried to keep your face straight, but it was a losing battle.

“Oh, who am I? I would be the man currently between (Y/N)’s legs. And let me tell you, it’s one place you’ll never get.”

Tig made sure to grind against you, waggling his eyebrows in an exaggerated fashion. You laughed, smacking his leg. Tig turned his attention back to the phone, where the voice on the other end was still ranting.

“Hey asshole, shut up for two seconds and let me lay some advice on you. Don’t call her again, don’t see her again, and you can forget about even entertaining any thoughts about being with her. Ever. She’s mine-”

You pursed your lips at the declaration of ownership. Tig smiled.

“-and I’m hers. So fuck off.” Tig didn’t even bother to end the call, but tossed the phone over his shoulder.

“C’mon darlin’. Let’s go home.”

#samficfanclub #tig trager #sons of anarchy #reader insert #tig x reader #sons of anarchy one-shot #sons of anarchy fic

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tube-thoughts-blog · 6 years

Text

Vol. 13

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

--- "Studs":

*Personality matters little to these early 1990s bimbos on this dating game show

*They want a guy with a "wild side" (code for douchebag)

*One of their potential hunks is wearing dress shirt, tie, and shorts. 90s ensemble

*The women can't decide if the second hunk is a beefcake or a 6 foot tall bowling pin

*The guy in shorts is called a mix between John Wayne and a mime. John Wayne is nothing like a mime. Stoic, maybe. John Wayne would punch out a mime, if ever bothered by one.

*Shorts hunk dissed his date because he saw his hero Bobby Brown in an elevator

*Not much else to say about these bland dates between California girls and Midwest boys

close to 2 stars

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--- Tori Amos on MTV's Loveline:

*After the bummer of hearing about Tori's abuse hotline, we have a Gen X'er call in tot alk about how his girlfriend accidentally ripped out his penis piercing and he's afraid to go to the doctor

*A guy, with his back to the camera while wearing an airbrush painted t-shirt that reads: "Boo Hoo!", has a problem with his girlfriend not wanting to look at him during oral sex. I can't see his face, but I don't even want to look at him, period.

*A guy, w/ a butt-cut hairstyle and a flannel shirt, is down cause his first love "dogged" him and broke his heart after taking his cherry. Now, he can't score with new chicks.

*Tori calls him a pussy. Not really, but, basically.

*We get a pierced nipples question via 90s internet video live feed

*A guy calls in with a weird obsession about bear feet. Oh, bare feet. Well, that's not too weird. Many weirdos have that.

*Tori thinks he should work at a shoe shop. It didn't work for Al Bundy. He hates women and their feet.

*Talk about how having kids is a cockblock to getting dates

*The set for LoveLine is very 90s with a coffee shop lounge feel and couches along with a big screen that's multiple screens attached together.

*Tori doesn't want her lover thinking about the girls on "Friends" while she's making love to them.

*Tori reminds me of a psycho chick who'd try to sacrifice a dove, for some weird symbolic reason, while she was in the throes of passion.

*A girl had two affairs. One of them with an "indivijiBILL" (what it sounded like she said). Now she don't know who da baby daddy. Call Maury, in a few years, he do dem dna baby daddy tests.

*LoveLine has a cappuccino bar on the set. It's for people who are ashamed of looking at another person when talking about sex. A sort of hipster confession booth.

*One guy is nervous about his girlfriend dressing up like Wonder Woman during sex

2 stars

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--- TV CARNAGE:

*Great Acting Is Great Acting, Especially With Titties: Do you wanna see my horribly disfigured chest or not?* 2 stars

*How To Commit Social Suicide: "Be expressive and let it rip." Air piano. Not flatulence.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

*Microwave Brain: Hasselhoff stresses over poodle poo.* 1 star

*Mighty Fine Man: It's a lust thang.* close to 2 stars

*Shoplifting Is Fun!: Johnny 5's cousin robot is a hood.* close to 2 1/2 stars

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"Dance Party USA, 1980s NEW WAVE DANCING AND HAIR!" *In the 80s, cool kids did weird things like wear their shoes on their hands.* 2 1/2 stars

Rescue 911 w/ William Shatner: Boy vs. Gasoline Volcano *The re-enactments on Rescue 911 & Unsolved Mysteries are perfect time capsules for thelate 1980s & early 1990s.* 2 1/2 stars

A Haunting: Phantom Room *"Instead of holy water, highly flammable liquid is used, and if it ignites, it's a sign that a spirit is present." Gee, I wonder if it will ignite... A junkie overdose is angry and needs to be evicted from a suburban garage. Destination America is supposed to be a postcard network for American life, I'm thinking. America, where ordinary life happenings can psych a family out so much their lives begin falling apart and they blame the results on the supernatural.* 2 stars

USA Saturday Nightmares: The Dummy (1982) *Ventriloquist dolls are creepy, but it's hard to consider them actually scary. That is unless they're sliding butcher knives underneath the bedroom door. This comes from an era of really good & inventive horror shorts.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Ripley's Believe It Or Not!: episode 2 (1985) *Surgeons remove two toes, from the feet of a Chinese man, fitting them as a makeshift pincer in place of a missing hand. Believe that.* 2 1/2 stars

"Wild Man of Navidad" (2007) *No country for old bigfoot. Some might see the wild man itself as undercooked, but the greasy hicksploitation sticks to the ribs better'n chicken fried steak & gravy.* close to 3 stars

X Files: Roland *From beyond a cryo-frozen genius controls his autistic twin to complete his groundbreaking scientific work.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

--- Phone Losers:

*Politically Correct Portraits: or "wrong side first" photos.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Bank Customers - Take A Running Jump: "If they told you to jump off a bridge" they being Bank of America and you being British or George Reeves Superman* 1 1/2 stars

*Pauly Shore Screws Up Another Vacation: MTV's The Weasel turns a pleasure cruise into a slave-ship passage for Laura Winslow & the mom from Family Matters.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Radio Shack Prayer Is Evil: For a decade or more it's been against their religion to have any customers and they also have a do not resuscitate order upon going out of business.* 2 1/2 stars

*Yard Sale Competitor: it's a cut throat business using a $5 "as is" weed-whacker.* 3 stars

---------------

--- USA Cartoon Express, Revisited:

*The Real Ghostbusters - Citizen Ghost: I forgot that the voice of Peter Venkman, on Ghostbusters, is likely the voice of Garfield on his cartoon. Which is funny because the live action characters are voiced by the same guy, too, as we all know.

*Commercial for Crocodile Mile slip n' slide.

*Old foggies stink in an Andy Warhold art style BubbleTape commercial. Those were great.

*In a cyberpunk future tween boys battle it out with a b.b. ammo board game shooter called "Crossfire." I remember plenty of show & tell days where Crossfire was the shit.

*I like the little march the Ghostbusters do during their ticker tape parade

*Kids can't cut loose in the supermarket or the museum, but they can in this Discovery Zone kids play park commercial. Soulless corporate slime-pit, McDonald's has replaced most of these. Now, miserable single moms take their poor brats there and change their dirty diapers on the same tables kids eat their McNuggets on. Fuck society and industry.

*Get a Bart Simpson squeek toy at Burger King

*Rappin' Lego-Maniac ad

*Mouse Trap, from Milton Bradley, where a cartoon alley cat shows up to present kids with one of the most contraption filled board games ever

*An awesome ad where Jesse the body Ventura sells WWF action figures. I wish grown men were still allowed to play with action figures

*Cadillacs & Dinosaurs - Rogue: I forgot about this well animated show with some adult sensibilities that also combines two really cool things. those being the title of the show.

*Cartoon Express where Mr. T. hangs out with the Grape Ape and Pac Man

*"Your gym teacher irons his underwear" adults are weird, chew BubbleTape

*Garfield fruit snacks. You could sell anything with a cartoon spokesman and kids who pitch a fit to their parents in the grocery store if they can't have it, once they see it.

*Shout & Shoot 2 water gun helmet. Voice activated water fights. I'm sure it didn't tear up after the first day. Water and electronics go together so well... I remember when having water fights, in the backyard, seemed so important that toy companies had to keep up with the arms race we kids were racing towards.

*Barney has built a fake time machine from the year 2000 and almost tricks Fred out of his Coco Pebbles. I preferred Fruity.

*One thing missing from watching these cartoons is a bowl of Fruity Pebbles, Lucky Charms, or Cap'n Crunch beside me on the living room floor.

*Marvel's X-Men, for the Sega Genesis, "Welcome to the Next Level."

*If kids ruled the world they'd play b'ball like Michael Jordan, their big brothers would suck up to them, they'd get a billion dollars & have a sports agent, and they'd always eat at McDonalds. "Duh!"

*"In A Minute" USA Network 1989 presents kids trying out tongue twisters like "Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear..." I'm unlocking weird memories of things that I had forgotten like this cute little animated station break from USA that's somewhere in the long lost toy chest recess of my sad adult brain.

*Teenage Mutant Turtles - Enter the Rat King: If April O'Neil were real she would try to further her news career by exposing the Turtles to the world.

*Take a chill pill or stick anchioves in your ears, kids, instead of doing drugs. Partnership for a Drug Free America and stick figure drawn kids.

*2XL battery operated, cassette controlled "intelligent" 80s style robot from Tiger toy electronics. He makes Teddy Rupskin look like Neil Degrasse Tyson (whatever his name is)

*A kid with a bald spot and a beard is tired of stuffy adult dining places and demands to be taken to Chuck E. Cheese

*Dance Party USA, the weekday dance party on "America's favorite network, USA."

*The Dark Knight collection. A kid has every Batman gadget a kid could ask for and his own personal Batcave. I would have killed to have my own personal Batcave when I was 8

*"Tetris & batteries included" Gameboy. Cool teens hanging out in shop class, on the basketball court, everwhere playing their handheld Nintendo "Power to go."

*Captain N, The Game Master - Metroid Sweet Metroid: N, The Game Master is a character from Nintendo's past that they'd like to forget and not celebrate. Same with Lou Albano's version of Mario and the more goofy, talking version of Link from cartoons & CDi games.

*King Hippo's nipples, Eggplant's head, and Mother Brain's lips are all very obscene looking.

*Beetlejuice action figures. Those were some of the better, more weird toys.

*Call a 1 800 number to get a 60 minute vhs tape of Bigfoot monster truck action.

*Crest "Sparklemania" obviously is putting drugs in the toothpaste, because kids are freaking out and taking magical trips through the night sky with animated globs of Crest gel.

*'Milk does a body good' ad. You know the one where the kid grows up to be buff because he or she drank milk. I wonder if they show similar ones to young cows. "Yo, I'm a calf and I'm taking govt. provided hormones so that I can grow up to be a great-big dairy cow!" That was sort of a lame joke. Almost Carlos Mencia bad.

*The Cartoon Express travels away off into the distance to Bruce Springsteen's house. No, kidding. They kept mentioning that that's where it was heading.

3 stars for the Saturday Morning cartoons, 3 stars for the retro ads, and 3 stars for USA network's Cartoon Express bumpers

-----------------------------

The Greatest American Hero: Fire Man *Everyone's favorite marinara, on the show, Michael Pare, gets put put on a hot stove for a bum wrap. The main thing that doesn't hold up, about this episode, is the very dated fire special fx.* close to 3 stars

Gerhard Reinke's America: Arizona *Painted desert highways with a pistol & a singing Billy bass GPS by Gerhard's side.* 2 stars

--- Commander USA's Groovie Movies: Man with the Synthetic Brain

*From beneath a shopping mall in New Jersey, Commander USA. HA! Great location for a hero lair in the 1980s.

*The commander comes out in a trench coat, with his costume underneath. I like it. It's a sleazy way for a hero to dress. He's always smoking a cigar, too. Nice man's man touch.

*He's talking about those hopeful, yet melancholy days after the New Year is rung in. He explains how Auld Lang Syne means 'old long since' in Irish or old English.

*After the commander uses his kazoo to open up the psychotronic movie screen, we get to our flick

*This one stars an old school horror icon, John Carradine, & a Mickey Mouse Club teen from Swiss Family Robinson

*And the groovie movie is photographed in "Chill-O-Rama"

*I know the movie will ultimately be supbar, but I still get good feelings & goose pimple giddy, with nostalgia, watching these old basic cable & UHF B movie features

*A zombie(?) chokes out a hooker(?) & her pusher(?) in an alley. Her death face was so overacted & funny to look at.

*Mickey Mouse Club guy is the detective on the case of the zombie murders. He has gotten worse, actually, as an actor since his days riding ostriches & fighting pirates on tropical islands in Swiss Family Robinson.

*He's also a part of the Danny Bonaduche class of child actors who didn't age well. He looks like he's been through hell. This is the early to mid 70s & his Disney days were just in the 60s, maybe late 50s, I'm thinking. Wow.

*There's a cryptic letter & a head in a box (a killed detective's). I'm guessing this killer is a pre-cursor to the Zodiac & Kevin Spacey in SEVEN.

*"Get your hot roasted peanuts" as a candy striped apron wearing salesman proclaims on an early 20th century hazy memory of beach life on an eastern seaboard boardwalk in a Planters honey roasted peanuts ad.

*The coo coo bird builds a time machine to steal the kids CoCo Puffs. This is the second time machine related cereal theft by cartoon spokesman commercial that I've seen in 24 hrs

*Lee Press On Nails. In 18 colors. Don't nails just make life more difficult? Even if I were a crossdresser, I wouldn't wear nails.

*An 80s mallrat girl thinks her mom was wrong about her big earrings, but mom was right about something (nervous energy) StayFree Maxi Pads for those heavy flow days. Thanks, mom. Now, stop coming in to my room to stare at my Kip Winger poster. He's my man, bitch!

*"Exorcism at Midnight" on USA Saturday Nightmares (looks awesome) & ugly as a man Sandra Bernhardt on Alfred Hitchcock Presents (would still watch it).

*There's nothing to look forward to watching on Saturday night, anymore. Svengoolie, maybe, but he plays the same tame Universal horror & Hammer horror movies that we've all seen way too many times. His act is stale too, but he's likeable, I guess, if you're a babyboom viewer.

*Sophia Loren, her story, on the Nabisco family theater Sunday afternoon on USA. No thanks. I'd leave that to the early birds. I'd still be sleeping off my USA Saturday Nightmares.

*John Carradine is a doctor under suspicion because one patient that he was the coroner over, years earlier & called one of the first casualties of Vietnam, is up & walking around again, out there, killing. It's obvious that Carradine is a mad doctor, because he has a bubbling test tube, for odd unexplained reasons, but the detective hasn't seen enough low grade sci fi & horror to know this is an ominous sign.

*Why did action or fight scenes in the 60s/70s think that karate chops to the neck were believable knock out blows? It'd be more annoying than anything. Painful, sure, but not enough to put a man down. They just look so funny.

*Gloriously unselfaware Twix commercial with a street of kids breaking into a marching band parade over Twix. Much better than the Right Twix vs. Left Twix candy factory ads of today Too self aware like most modern ad companies. It makes the product even more unlikeable

*Square 80s ladies have a roundtable discussion about "So Fine" conditioning mist

*The effects designs, on the movie, are so low budget. The Frankenstein electric chair is made of chords attached to a silver construction worker's helmet.

*Commander USA pokes fun at the mad science hat contraption during his segment.

*Computer graphics medieval dystopia commercial ends with the freedom of the mind that is an exploding volcano & the Scientology best seller ‘Dianetics.’

*Shades wearing Bears QB, McMahon, thinks he's cool, but he's a crybaby when his hoagie doesn't have Miracle Whip mayo. A janitor hears his cries and throws a hail mary of mayo.

*Fergie, Letterman, Tom Cruise, Vanna White, Dr. Seuss, Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson wearing a Groucho Marx disguise. They're all the most interesting people of 1986 according to People Magazine. Such a more innocent time. Don't forget Crocodile Dundee, he was fascinating to 80s yuppies as well. Not a joke. He's also on the cover.

*The 80s had this hazy, maudlin, feel good vibe to even Dimetapp & Metamucil ads.

*Just a sleazy undead crook strangling slutty women in seedy hotels kinda Saturday afternoon movie for the kids, you know.

*Cheerios helps a white knight save a princess from a black knight in a musical ad. Uplifting. Cheerios ads are so depressing now & always about a middle age guy's health & cholesterol.

*Nothing says Mexican like white people singing about & eating Mexican Velveeta cheese.

*’Airwolf’ is high tech & kicks butt. this was already a popular rerun show here in the mid 80s.

*An overtanned blonde bimbo shows up from France saying she heard her father speak to her telepathically while she was in a voodoo sleep trance. Her father was John Carradine & he was just murdered by a zombie. She tells this to Mickey Mouse detective while he over-acts.

*Ah, there's another mad scientist who looks like a dimestore Vincent Price. I guess they couldn't get Vincent for the flick. He's the real villain.

*Commander USA noticed the bimbo & the zombie too.

*"It's hard to hide the kid inside." Talkin' 'bout Santa & his love for oreo cookies

*The honey nut Cheerios bee almost gets murdered by cowboy Black Bart. Just wait, Bee, soon with pesticides we'll make ye extinct.

*A kid pulls home a box of Tide detergent, for mom, through a picturesque 80s suburb. More of that 80s is just like the 50s, according to tv & advertising, theme of the 80s.

*70s thought that frantically playing a pipe organ & bongos meant great suspense music. It didn't & doesn't.

*Wacky 80s robots run on ENERGIZER "It Doo Run Run Run"

*This film can't make up its mind if it wants to be a detective tale, a zombie creeper, a serial killer slasher, a mad science flick, a voodoo or telepathy thriller, a heist / crime picture, or a hostages on the road movie.*

*Commander predicts, via crystal ball, that the Red Sox will almost win the 87 world series and that Vanna White will be nominated to the Supreme Court.

*Commander had his hand pal, Lefty, rammed down his tights during the most tense scene of the movie. A snowy chase through the mountains with killer in hot pursuit.

*Carefree panty liners for a fresher zebra striped bikini

*An aged Lorne Greene talks about Ron Reagan's cutbacks to medicare & how they're costing the sick & poor elderly thousands of dollars.

*Timelapse female zombie transformation with horrid makeup, but forgivable during the finale in the mad science lab.

*Her zombie voice is laughable & terrible. Why is she even talking? zombies don't talk, well, trioxin or Return of the Living Dead ones do, but whatever, Braiiiins... She doesn't say that, but I guess she had to act. Vanity, maybe. Idiotic script, more likely.

*We end with zombie lady crying & taking an antidote while zombie henchman dies licking goo off the floor. Mickey Mouse detective was too late to make any kind of difference.

*Commander USA closes things out by teasing Mickey Mouse cop about his poor acting.

close to 2 stars for the movie, close to 2 1/2 stars for the ads, & more than 2 1/2 stars for the commander

-------------------

Look Around You: Sport *Thank you for showing us your balls. Now try to get it in the hole.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Viper: Wheels of Fire *Crooked, corporate Bryan Cranston character. A revolutionary Tesla type battery with a deadly bidding war going on for it. A reclusive Howard Hughes industrialist/inventor. Long lost prototype Batmobile style car colored fire engine red. A creepy Albino hitman.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

Manimal: Breath of the Dragon *Martial arts began by studying animals. Ancient man popped a National Geographic tape into his VCR to do so.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Robocop the series: Ghosts of War *A ragtag group of Universal Soldiers seek vengeance against an evil general who now works for O.C.P. They include a hobo wolfman, a black G.I. Joe (friend from Murphy's childhood), an Asian Joan of Arc, a Indian computer-wiz who dresses like Rick Moranis in Spaceballs. The show tries to force Punky Brewster into scenes, again. She's annoying & unnecessary.* 2 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible:

*Enhance Your Memory With Murderous Bloodlust: American Psycho Patrick Bateman has a poor poker face.* 3 stars

*Going For It!: Commies skateboard. So, like you want them to be more free than you, brah!? Didn't think so, dude.* close to 2 stars

*So You Moved To Paducah...: Only thing to do here is to visit the Quilters Society of America museum again & again & again.* 3 stars

*Rush Limbaugh Sure Is Funny: Comedy night at Jabba the Hutt's palace.* 1 star

*The Lil' Singing Demon Baby!: The spawn of Lucifer is a little boy version of Shirley Temple. Of course he would arrive on earth in Branson, Missouri.* 3 stars

-------------------------

Cannon group presents America 3000 (1986) *The one thing Road Warrior needed was Wonder Years style narration. I think the members of No Ma'am (Al Bundy's woman hating group) saw this movie instead of Mad Max: Fury Road. That's why they were so upset. Much more reverse sexism here.* 3 thousand stars

Rescue 911 w/ William Shatner: Softball Hit *A little girl gets a head injury, has a seizure, then precious seconds tick away in the era before cell phones because I guess there were no payphones on this little league sports field. Youth sports injuries weren't taken as serious in this era either. It was the whole "Walk it off" time period. So maybe that's why 911 wasn't called sooner.* 2 stars

--- Memory Hole:

*Death Of Strength: Guillotine of greatness, in a garage, captured on camcorder.* 1 star

*See The Macaroni: String theory or unsatisfactory service.* 2 stars

*The Ballad Of Tony Jones: "Mommy, what does doomed mean?" It means what happens when you destroy your white trash girlfriend's ceiling after sitting your fat ass in her sex swing.* 3 stars

*Piglet: You reap what you sow (noun).* close to 3 stars

*Just Do It Adult Diaper: Is that a swoosh on your bottom or do you need changing?* close to 2 stars

----------------------

--- MTV's Oddville (1997?)

*MTV had to Gen-x up Beyond Vaudeville, from its public access days, & put a pretty co-host with Frank to take the attention away from his weird, silent (often violent) sidekick.

*Nancy Giles is a nice lady, but not the most interesting guest. She's like PBS news hosts. Respectable, but not entertaining. She thinks talking about how weird the sidekick is & being a fan of Howard Stern will get her over. She does an imitation of a cat choking on a hairball. That's odd enough, I guess.

*Mr. Stanless Steel is a meathead who lifts 600lbs slightly off the ground using only one finger. Impressive, yet also idiotic.

*"Mind over matter," he says as he squeezes an unopen can to smithereens. Mind, remember, not steroids. He rocks about the floor trying to look intimidating & deep.

*Very confusing Levis jeans commercial. It starts off with a cowboy hat wearing Gen X hip dude driving the desert listening to yodeling from Mars Attacks & Slim Whitman. He stops at a local western watering hole where a hipster black dude is a turntables mixing dj. He passes him a stuffed dinosaur before the black dude gets on a greyhound leaving town. Bus stops in the big city, but a new girl gets off holding the dino. A European model looks at her as she walks on. The model is ordering a hotdog from a vendor. What any of that had to do with jeans, other than the close ups of asses, is beyond me.

*Self aware commercial whore Dennis Miller is on a fake talk show ad interviewing the cgi M&Ms. Miller lost all his Hollywood street cred when he started hangin’ out on Fox News. He doesn’t give a shit about being a shitlib so he lost his Hollywood friends.

*Epic cgi ad for the Playstation classic Final Fantasy 7.

*Phil Hartman isn't murdered yet in this college class lecture ad about collect calls.

*The clerk at Footlocker is having a hard time believing that Joe Namath is making an NFL comeback in a nike ad

*It's Virtual Insanity, the music video, when Chris Rock hosts the Video Music Awards

*I think it was the one where Puff Daddy teamed with Sting to make an annoying, overplayed song even worse.

*"The world's fastest painter" comes out & does a Bob Ross quickie while rambling in a Polish accent.

*A black guy in black & yellow stripes, including his Dr. Seuss Hat, comes out to pop & lock dance to Salt & Pepa's "Push It"

*Igia hair removal system ad where the device damages your skin cells, but it's cool 'cause no more chin whiskers for mom

*Technology... multimedia... CD-Rom software games... "You need Art Institute."

*Not Carl Winslow, but close, says "Open a box. Any box." Make it a Blockbuster Night

*"Talk to the hand." quote & hand motion from slumming it actor Timothy Dalton in a movie with Fran Drescher. The days where the general public had to endure her are long gone. Not counting easily avoided reruns of The Nanny

*On an snowy special ops mission (I'm sure those happen often) "Be all that you can be" (including maimed or killed) in the Army (after that, who knows? possibly a homeless vet)

*"What is Mtn. Dew?" from this ad, I take it has something to do with a green drink that makes you scream hysterically while performing idiotic x-treme sports

*A small woman, with a shaved head, comes out doing yoga to industrial techno. Followed by very late & nervous applause.

*A little girl comes out blowing up a balloon using only her nose.

*A generic alternative rock band, like the countless others on MTV at the time, comes out to perform. They don't hold a candle to any of the weird musical acts from the Beyond Vaudeville days.

*Guests are having a dance party. This show is as edgy, or as interesting for that matter, as Snick's "All That" of the same time period. Lame, as Gen-X would say.

*Well, MTV took a quirky public access show & stripped all the life out of it to make it another corporate product.

1 star for the Odd, 1 1/2 stars for most of the ads (thanks to M&M's & Miller), between 1 1/2 & 2 stars for the guests

----------------------

"The Summer of Rave 1989" BBC *In Margaret Thatcher's England, a new era of hippies & yuppies collide.*

3 stars

"Lost Purity" (video mixtape) *Adjust the tracking on your squeam.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

--- Found Footage Fest:

*Life Is For Living: Safety first or kiss leisure goodbye.* 3 stars

*Michael Finney's Spencer Gifts Speech: Hack comedy & gag novelty.* close to 3 stars

*Silent Partners - Shoplifting: If you see somebody walk into your store, become overly suspicious.* 2 1/2 stars

*VCR Games: Make haste & pray constantly that you don't have a Klingon overlord or be forced to endure Rich Little's awful family fun night comedy.* 3 stars

*Uh-Huh!: Either the Kenny Loggins or the Ray Stevens of polite Christian pop comedy & a fan of wearing tan leotards while juggling foam balls.* 3 stars

------------------------

Rescue 911 w/ Shatner: Accidental Hanging *Darwin Awards & wasting time dialing for help. Or hero boy with a hatchet.*

2 stars

A Haunting: Echoes of the Past *A New England family move into a historic Civil War era home. Soon they are bothered by faeries claiming to live in under a tree in the backyard who also claim to have died in a fire. The family are aided by a team of pretentious Wiccans in sending all the home's spirits to a magical place in the west called the "Summer Lands."* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

Gerhard Reinke's America: Quebec, Canada *"Beaver fever, catch it." "Be patient." "My God, it's magnificent." (A platypus.)* 3 stars

Kingdom Hospital: Ep. 11 *Doctors without borders & tuned into a different frequency.* 2 1/2 stars

Farscape: Hidden Memory *Espionage & clouded minds in a Nazi style experimentation lab. Followed by a Caesarean--section for a baby battleship. Farewell to a sweet-lipped deus ex machina (sorta deus...)* close to 3 stars

Forever Knight: False Witness *Sleazier than a white lie.* 2 1/2 stars

Penn & Teller - Bullshit!: Ghostbusters *Begin by having come to a conclusion that ghosts exists no matter what you find to prove different, soak the scene with sepia or nightvision, get out the pseudo scientific gear & have it activated with its nonsensical readings of supposed supernatural phenomena, & the bullshit has long since already began.* 3 stars

Jake Byrd on Black Friday *Great deals is gravy.* close to 3 stars

Classic Comedy Central: The Buttafuoco Song *I really really wish I never heard of...* either 1 star for Joey or 3 for Comedy Central

WCW Superstars on Politically Incorrect w/ Bill Maher (1999?) *A lot of aggression taken out in a discussion forum.* either 1 star or close to 2 stars

VH1 Classic Pop Up Video: Alanis Morissette - "You Learn" *The video took 23 hours to film in 10 degree weather. The video is 4 minutes long. Her hair (dreadlocks) took 5 hours to style. A number of jacket changes were used by Alanis in the video. The theme: who knows if any of us get any wiser during the average lifetime.* 2 1/2 stars w/ pop ups 2 stars w/out (I forgot how much I like her voice, pretty face & lyrics & easy to digest, for the most part, music. Mood & opinion on her music are subject to change. I have, in the past, wanted to poke my eyeballs & eardrums out when her "Ironic" video came on MTV for the 1000th time.)

Public Access TV: "Robin's Safe Sex Lesson - Dental Dam Use" *The setting is the height of the AIDS epidemic. Sexually active folk are still confused to the spread of disease & the practice of safe sex. A sex worker, possibly, has her ownlocal city tv show to inform them how to snip an ordinary condom into use for performing oral sex on a female so as to not spread infectious diseases. She almost is a trainwreck but not enough for any legit comedy, only curiosity.* 2 stars (3 for the info for the time)

"Sam Kinison - Family Entertainment Hour" *This might be comedy blasphemy, but Larry the Cable Guy is as popular as Sam Kinison was. Both have a similar rowdiness & offensiveness in the connect with their audience. Larry, however, has neither a spine nor a soul.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

Literal Videos: Air Supply - Making Love Out of Nothing at All *"I don't want to seem them naked." I don't want to hear their soft rock.* 2 1/2 stars literal or 1 star actual

---- SCTV - Midnight Special:

*An all white (never seen before) scat singing choir conducted by Eugene Levy To see them live in concert, "Phone your nearest Republican." HA!

*Rick Moranis impersonates a cranky David Brinkley editorial.

*David Thomas & Catherine O'Hara are phone commercial lawyers (& possibly married lawyers) not helping an arguing married couple out very much in their disputes.

*Rick Moranis impersonates a radio dj becoming a video vj in this transitional time period between radio music & video music outlets.

*Followed by a Talking Heads video "Once in a Lifetime"

*A very politically incorrect (when you still could be before the p.c. police) & somewhat funny live feed from a Japanese parody vj

*Followed by a cool music video by hip & quirky Japanese band The Plastics. So, that does in a way cancel out the casual racism.

*SCTV starts the tech war between Japan & the U.S. in a funny skit.

*The real enemy, however, is Russian t.v. and Good Day Moscow

*Exploitation a plenty in a fake ad for a late night pajama party t.v. show on SCTV

*John Candy is the Hugh Hefner smoking jacket wearing host of the all girl pajama party Complete with creepy guy climbing in the window using a ladder. ha

*Candy tries to explain the show is empowering to women, but a prudish sexologist hijacks the feed to talk about how it's sexist.

*John Candy is back again, this time as a sportsman in an ammo ad. He sports a beard & hunts ducks. Hmmm... He remains likeable while other bearded duckhunters that I won't mention still remain hateable. Much focus is put on the cleavage of his buxom buddy that he's hunting with. She's female.

*A punk dyke delivery chick brings pizza & starts a catfight which the sexologist reveals is more of Candy's libido problems.

*Thankfully, the "menopausal" femi-nazi is interrupted by a male chauvinist fan of the pajama party.

*It's bedtime & Candy has to toss the old geezer, kicking & screaming, out the window.

*Al's Garage "Anytime At All." He has a naughty pinup calendar & he smokes cigars.

*Feminists have protest signs outside SCTV's studio & chase Candy to his limo

*Poindexter, investigative reporter (played by Eugene Levy) gets up close & a little too personal exploring singles bars.

*Monster Chiller Horror Theater with a howling Count Floyd

*The featured flick is Bloodsucking Monkeys from West Mifland, Pennsylvania

*Wink, wink. There's no movie. But Count promises that it was scary & describes it. It's just as good as Alien, he claims.

*Great White North wants to talk about Nasa's tools & beer, ay.

*SCTV has Hitchcock presents in late night. So, they're like MeTV or AntennaTV on current cable.

*A parody of Kirk Douglas in "Lust for Life" in the SCTV vault classic "Lust for Paint"

*Catherine O'Hara shows off some sexy cleavage & gets offered to be painted nude as she plays a bar beauty of the 19th century. The mom from Home Alone was sexy back in the day.

*Fish Police. An early reality show that's just as absurd as the 90s hit COPS.

*France was filled with great artists in the 19th century & possibly they were all gay according to SCTV

*Harold Raimis cameo as a waiter.

*Rick Moranis sells ridiculous logos.

*John Candy is an angry Babe Ruth in the wrong time period. Candy lost out on the role to Goodman years later. Not really, but really.

*Candy does a decent Hitchcock impersonation as well. Also Curly Howard.

3 stars

------------------------

"Let's Paint TV's Last Cable Access Show" 2008 *A weirdo in a dirty & disheveled business suit runs a treadmill while horribly painting, taking live prank calls, & talking to a Swedish barmaid mixing things up in a blender.* between 1 1/2 & 2 stars

--- TV Carnage:

*I Hate My Kids: Brats are birth control. The only time Fox News will ever be pro choice.* 2 stars

*Lurking Danger: The fish land right in the boat & land you right in the hospital. Tonight, in our Lurking Danger special report. This is CNN.* 2 stars

*Making The Grade: Solve my equation, again, & I'll slit your throat.* 2 1/2 stars

*Phonebooth Funnys!: Coed improv in tight spaces. It's not what you think, you pervert.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

*Reaching For The Light: Orgy of the first class.* 2 stars

-------------

Mystery Science Theater 3000 - K19: Hangar 18 *Having NASA accidentally cause a UFO to crash, in the desert, is "the best thing since sliced computer" only it hurts the UFO denying crooked President's chances for re-election & they'll need a shady coverup.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars w/ riffing & 2 w/out

"Ten Forward Crank Calls" *"Brain cells are sucked into a blackhole" & four letter words fly into the phone lines for a chubby Star Trek fan's Trekkie talk show.* 1 star

Beavis & Butthead: Sausage - Riddles Are Abound Tonight *"The Seminiferous Tube-loidial Buttnoids have left my pants" or "turds can see in the dark, like bats."* 2 1/2 stars w/ riff 2 w/out

--- Monstervision w/ Joe Bob Briggs: Wes Craven's Deadly Friend (1986):

*Joe Bob says this flick is the Breakfast Club version of Bride of Frankenstein

*Drive-In Totals... 6 dead bodies... 7 gallons blood (some spurting w/ 3 bloody noses)... exploding head.. head disguised as basketball... exploding robot... father charbroiling..gratuitous brain surgery... incest fu...

*Joe Bob wants to get biblical w/ Krisy Swanson but thinks better of it because of Alan Thicke

*You know that you're in for a horror funride when the first on screen creature (robot) attack is against a sleazy redneck

*80s robots were great. This one even sees in Sega CD vision. All pixelated.

*In my opinion, this flick is also like Zapped meets Frankenhooker

*It's a wacky neighborhood when the old bat from Throw Mama from the Train is a shotgun wielding crazy lady living behind a locked fence.

*A robot's first reaction to seeing douchebags on dirtbikes is to vice grip their testicles. Can we unleash robots on Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory?

*The schmaltzy TNT voiceover for drama guy lays the sap on thick for TNT's big network premier for Gilbert Grape.

*Rockapella sing us a Folgers "Best part of wakin' up" mornin' tune. I can't drink the coffee for the vomit in my mouth.

*Snuggles, the fabric softener bear, is taking a stroll through a forest filled with cute animals. Real animals. Snuggles is a nightmare creature created out of industrial chemicals & soulless corporate greed. He's unnatural. An abomination of cuddliness.

*Joe Bob hates cute robots, Star Trek conventions, & Little House on the Prairie.

*The "Stand your ground" law triumphs again & the robot menace is toasted, for now.

*Quirky "life is ugly, you betcha" comedy approaching horror Fargo on TNT is sponsored by SEARS & no irony is seen in that. I don't think, by TNT or SEARS.

*Sprint commercial featuring Fall scenery. This episode of Monstervision is late 90s. The late 90s had a real Autumn vibe to a lot of things. Dawson's Creek, Scream & I Know What You Did Last Summer, Marcy Playground's Sex & Candy, Duncan Sheik, Eagle Eye Cherry, GooGoo Dolls, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Charmed, "Sunny Came Home," "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone," Jewel, Barenaked Ladies, Halloween H20... All of 'em & many more

*Firefighters prefer Yukon sport utility vehicles & the Energizer Bunny outruns a Hummer filled with a reject A-Team. Absurdity & the beginning of America's obsession with big ass family tanks that would dominate the roads post-2000

*Hope Floats on VHS. Turds float too. & the turd that is Hope Floats on VHS is out there floating around at plenty of 50 something year old women yardsales across the the cowboy states of America

*"Mom's like you choose Jiff" & dad's like Bob Villa choose tools from SEARS. Don't not be how corporate America assumes you to be. Buy these creamy peanut dips & wrenches

*Burt Reynolds must have been buddies w/ Ted Turner. Ted sure had his movies played alot on TBS & TNT. Burt was popular. No doubt. Burt even had alot of generic made for TNT movies in the late 90s. I can understand the demand for Smoky & the Bandit & others, but not the made for TNT shit.

*Jack Palance in a western version of A Christmas Carol. Another made for TNT movie. & Lifetime + Hallmark have made me hate made for tv Christmas movies, but how could you not like the idea of a forgotten Jack Palance Christmas flick?

*The parents from Happy Days are slumming in a collect calls commercial.

*Paul Hogan was still an action comedy hero in the late 90s. Only he was doing it in Subaru ads. This one he's in disguise / drag wearing the mask of a woman. Unintentionally creepy.

*Essence of Emeril... Emeril Live... I'll never get the fascination w/ over the top food chefs & their tv shows.

*Grace Jones in an ad for TBS Superstation's 15 nights of Bond movies. I guess she was easy to get being a D-list celebrity & all after the 80s.

*Paul Reiser is in a bookstore explaining internet for new users / dummies using AT&T Worldnet. At least it's not an ad for America Online.

*Joe Bob says TNT censors won't allow exploding heads by basketball decapitation because idiots in Florida will try it & congress will go crazy.

*Hendrix has only one burning desire. Let him stand next to your Pontiac Sunfire. He doesn't really want to do that. He's dead, like Kristy Swanson, in this Monstervision movie. But in this soulless & artsy Pontiac commercial where yuppies are escaping a cityscape dystopia in their Sunfire, listening to Hendrix, he does.

*NFL moms of big, mean linebackers sure are funny. Thanks, Campbell's chunk soups ads for making me endure the meaty veggie soupy sacky mommy comedy.

*There's a "Bob Fest" in Colorado every year, where all Bobs in the world can attend. Bob Dole will be there. Bring your Pentax film camera.

*"Relax, Go Nuts" with Planters & a wacky beaver on a camping trip. I hope some idiot saw this & lost a finger or two trying to feed a Planters peanut to a beaver or a badger.

*"Rowdy" Roddy Piper is on the set of Burt's old guy cop action made for TNT tv movie. He's talking about the need for aspirin on the set, for the old guys, in this sneak peek.

*Joe Bob wants to know why Kristy Swanson is looking more supermodel than zombie

*The shoot first ask questions later cops put an end to cyborg/undead Kristy Swanson's reign of terror.

2 1/2 stars for the confused flick close to 3 for Joe Bob & between 1 1/2 & 2 for TNT & their ads

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Classic Comedy Central: Penn Jillette promotes Earth Girls Are Easy *He makes it seem like it wouldn't be a waste of an afternoon.* close to 3 stars

Fred Olen Ray's "Cyclone" 1987 *Everyone's favorite genre movie mad scientist, Jeffrey Combs (Re-Animator), was working on a super-motorcycle more high tech than an F-16 jet. When he's assassinated, on a punk rock dance floor, via a tech conspiracy, his 80s blonde bombshell girlfriend has to take over safeguarding the project from falling into the wrong hands. The whole thing drips with so much 80s goodness, one would swear it was a modern day homage.* close to 3 stars

Flaccid Ego Psychic Reading Call In Show *"This is not a bodega, honey." There's a correlation between how far someone's head is tilted back as they're talking & the amount of shit that they give. The further back, the less shit given.* either zero or 2 1/2 stars (for a second)

"Amok Assault Video" *"An open keyhole policy" to mass hypnosis & mass halitosis.* close to 3 stars

Rescue 911 w/ Shatner: Brave Dog vs. Rattlesnake *The dog, Lady, was a terrible actress during the re-enactments. She did well during the fight with the snake, but she broke character & smiled too much during the vet E.R. part .She needs to take acting lessons from Shatner.*

2 stars

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Self Helpless *There's a sucker "re-born" every minute.* 3 stars

Jake Byrd Goes Tea Bagging *"We're a little Tea Party, short & stout, when we get all steamed up hear us shout 'No more taxes, get the immigrant out!'"* 2 1/2 stars

--- Phone Losers:

*Tenants From Hell - Striking Oil: Crude & deluded.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Carlito the Perverted Janitor - Bank Customers: Good loan agents love to kiss & tell.* 2 1/2 stars

*Home Security - Hidden Cameras: I don't want home security watching over me while I pee.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Homeowners Association - Naked People: Old, black couples don't have sex. Yeah, right.* 2 1/2 stars

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Goth Public Access Channel (youtube) *"It's no fun being dead. Enough has been said." So why the morbid fixation?*

1 star

--- USA Up All Night w/ Rhonda Shear: Jason Takes Manhattan & Fortress of Amerikkka

*Rhonda is in an S&M shop with a gimp.

*Louis Gossett Jr. is an Olympic coach in a USA original movie. He's not the first actor that I would think of for a role like that. But maybe he's the most badass.

*Painful rectal burning? Admit you have it & get Preparation H. Doctors' orders.

*Trading erotic voicemails with "Girls of Paradise" seems like a one way street. A horny moron calls in a 1 800 number to nervously drool over his love for T & A, the voice model makes only one recording for any & every guy who calls in.

*Go back in time to when you weren't old & too feeble to open the mayo jar. If you believe that & buy our pain relieving cream, we also have ocean front property in [insert cliche dry state here]

*Couch fishin for loose change to buy extra Pop Tarts. Not me, the guy in the Kellogg's ad

*Pacific Blue, USA networks lame bicycle beach cops show from the late 90s. They recognize how boring being a beach cop must be, so they spice it up with a special west coast loco gangbangers episode.

*Big Easy. A sleazy, but probably all too tame show about New Orleans on USA network. Can't think of original programming? Exploit a city's reputation.

*Rhonda has an oversized spiked dog collar put on a poindexter

*Win a Nintendo 64 block party (sounds like it could have been fun) via Kellogg's & Kmart

*A kid in a "No Fear" t-shirt visits his square dad's Rent-A-Center style store in an ad

*Don't talk to your kids about the dangers of sniffing to get high, & wind up feeding soup to your newly vegetable loved one. I always preferred that trippy drowning anti-sniffing ad from the same time period.

*"Had a hard day?" "Talk to some of the most exotic women in the world." the world = Tampa, Florida. Some of the most exotic = ordinary skanks.

*What does chomping into a Nestle's Crunch sound like? This ad swears it sounds like a pink Cadillac convertible, filled with lightbulbs, falling off of a tall building. I think Elvis just cried. Not sure which he cried for: the pink Cadillac or the candy bar.

*Private eye James Belushi is following around split personality Linda Blair who hired him to follow herself around. Looks sleazy & potentially good.

*Rhonda dons kinky boots, leather, & a gay man's biker's hat in a black & white moving photo hanging on the wall. Sounded like maybe Velvet Underground was playing in the background as well.

*It's okay to be like your mom. You're closer to 40 than 20 & it has a sickly brown colored candy coating. Oh, what am I talking about, you ask, it's Advil.

*If you ever see a whitebread goodlooking man or woman sitting on a New England beach or pier during a windy day, do not approach. They may look harmless, but they're usually filming an embarrassing human condition commercial.

*Diamond studded sex handcuffs. Nice. But why is Rhonda being so camera shy? Was she burntout with the show by this point, five or six years into its run.

*Bill Cosby's former tv wife, the one that he doesn't cheat on by serving PM cold medicine to ugly white women, is in an argument with her much better looking & non-raping actual husband about Pop-Secret popcorn.

*Cable in the classroom provides a parent's guide to the information superhighway that is cable tv

*"Someone out there knows what I'm going through." somewhere out there in psychic phone network mystery world that is

*Bonkers for Babies! & Animal Bloopers on Zoo Life Video. Jack Hanna (the animal guy from Carson, Leno, Letterman) believes that "Animals Do Feel Love." They also have a funny bone, and it's used for more than just Chinese medicine.

*Zipper crotches on leather lingerie wearing limbless & headless mannequins & more Rhonda voice-over work

*Archie Bunker's real life son died from drugs. Maybe he should have spent more time with him instead of arguing with Meathead.

*Rhonda finally makes an on camera appearance with poindexter in the adult video section of the sex shoppe

*"Virtual reality bites" have a Butterfinger Blast. Blood sugar induced hallucinations?

* 1 800 number for a TimeLife coffee table book on "how To fix" home remodeling & repairs. For only 3 easy payments of 9.99. Pretty steep if you think in 20tens terms & how easy it is to just go online & find the same info, but this is 1996 or 7, here, in the ad.

*Going back in time from 97 to 92, Rhonda is at the WBF World Fitness Expo doing a bit of cute jogging in place.

*Rhonda sings the theme song from Fortress of Amerikkka.

*Rhonda tells fat jokes about Roseanne. Roseanne probably hated Rhonda. Tom Arnold probably loved her.

*Rhonda flirts with a WBF bodybuilder / foreign accent guy whose thighs are bigger than Rhonda's waist

*Rhonda gets the bodybuilding champ to take off his shirt. He probably was having a panic attack just by wearing it anyway. Meatheads & shirts don't get along.

*Rhonda's hormones are out of whack here & the bodybuilders' steroid use as well.

*An Amazon chick shows up to tell how this fitness expo ain't no beauty pageant

*A mullet-haired meathead talks about bringing rock & roll fire into his bodybuilding expo routine. Thankfully, rock & roll died a long time before this. It's just corpse abuse.

*Rhonda tries to find out how much moolah an 80s-RickJames-pimp-looking black Hercules has won from the competition. He pulls out a check from his fanny pack. Fanny packs are very manly.

*World's Strongest Samoan pauses from picking up sedans to lift Rhonda up into the air by her butt

*Troma presents Fortress of Amerikkka!: In the cruel absurdity of Amerikkka, human life is worthless.

2 stars for the sex shoppe, 2 stars for the ads, 1 star for the body building expo, 2 1/2 stars for Rhonda, either 1 or close to 2 1/2 stars for Jason 8 (for the countless time on basic cable & mostly bloodless), & more than 2 1/2 stars for Amerikkka!

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Troma presents "Lust For Freedom" *Troma tries their hand at the exploitation genre staple of women in a private prison hell. Highlights include a big mean looking Indian with a scarred face that drives around a black van across the desert & kidnaps women for the prison. He's like something out of a Jim Morrison song & he looks like the creepy brother of Bob from Twin Peaks. Another trashy fun part of the movie involves prison lady badasses in wrestling matches to the death. Plus there's an 80s hard rock soundtrack including the song "Rock You To Hell."* 3 stars

Beavis & Butthead: Sugartooth - Sold My Fortune *The boys mistake the word fortune for futon, and ponder why selling a futon would cause so many fights at the Sugartooth concert. Also, Beavis is intimidated by Urkel's size.* close to 3 stars with riffing 2 w/out

Kung Fu: Sun & Cloud Shadow *The path of peace is blocked by a mountain.* close to 3 stars

From Dusk Till Dawn: Place Of Dead Roads *The last stop before hell is a cafe, belonging to a cartel, serving plenty of coochie.* 2 1/2 stars

Public Access TV Gold - Don't You Want To Save Our Planet? *Fast Times Sean Penn look-a-like is for real about his love for his fellow parasite man. Vocal solo.* 3 stars

--- Dead Comics Society --- Commercial Breaks (1991):

*McHale's Navy every weeknight at 5 on the Comedy Channel. In color too. Antenna tv or MeTV shows this too, but in black & white.

*An ad for Billy Crystal's City Slickers. One of comedy's own was a blockbuster star still at this point.

*Coast bar soap ad where a "Thinking Man" bronze statue takes a refreshing bath in the rain.

*As seen on tv "No More Runs" panty hose w/ smart nylon. Run a nail file or a chainsaw right down the leg. Do not attempt while wearing, ladies

*Plenty of Stand Up comedy back in the day on comedy channels. Robin Williams, Jerry Seinfeld, Paul Poundstone, Howie Mandel, Carlin, pretty much all of the recognizable faces. And not just a weekend special like Comedy Central, these days. Stand up comedy was pretty much the face of the network.

*Jack Benny is creeped out by a kid wearing an ole timey clown mask. He's speechless, or once. Another show too old for current Comedy Central. One day Southpark will be on a TVLand type network & kids will get a weird feeling seeing how antique it looks. Much like seeing this clip of Jack Benny would make Comedy Central's current audience feel.

*KC Bold is like fireworks in one's mouth. It's important to always see the inventor of the baked beans or the bbq sauce or the George Foreman grill to know that the product / meal will be satisfactory. Did George actually invent that sidways waffle iron & grease trough?

*Devry with their 9 locations, in 1991, will teach you the tech knowledge that you need to succeed. Having a neatly trimmed little mustache is up to you.

*Ah, hah hah! The classic & unintentionally funny Suzanne Summers "Thigh Master" ad. She is so smiley while squeezing her crotch muscles. & just like the "Shake Weight," seeing a guy use it is just as amusingly awkward.

*Two Drink Minimum. A self aware title for another all stand up comedy show on the network. This one only has B to C list comics like 'The Amazing Jonathan"

*Alan King's "Inside the Comedy Mind" w/ such guests as the eccentric Steven Wright. We're too post-modern for something like this now. Inside the comedy mind? How lame, turn it on Louis CK's FX show or bring up a FunnyOrDie video. Alan King's "Inside the Comedy Mind" is no Zack Galifianakis' "Between Two Ferns." #hastag #hipster

*A middle America housewife is tired of having tried every diet from the "celebrity" to the "grapefruit." Her doctor finally puts her on some Medifast diet (we know it worked because obesity was cured & Medifast is currently the largest corporate brand of all time). She makes up for the weight loss by wearing oversized glasses & a lady business suit with shoulderpads larger than a NFL linebacker's.

*One of those classic scrolling certificate degrees from home ads. Learn everything from "gun repair" (only in America) or vcr repair (hopefully whoever took that is retired by now & not jobless).

*Short Attention Span Theater hosted by a very young Jon Stewart. This was before talking to cabinet secretaries & skewering political mishaps, for close to two decades, sucked all the life out of him.

*The very vintage Steve Allen Show weekdays on the Comedy Channel. Another show that deserves to still be on a classic channel somewhere. This clip had one of the first tv appearances of Elvis. How many viewers of current culture even care about or know whoElvis is, much less Steve Allen? Very few.

more than 2 1/2 stars

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"V The Hot One" ---xxx--- (1977) *An example of how the fantasy in pornography is so different from reality: Valerie "V" asks her husband if he's ever been with a whore. (she's curious about whores) He says that he was with many when he was younger. (He then tells a digusting experience.) She's even more curious. (In reality the woman would be furious or detested with him.) Here, Valerie has spent a lifetime giving in to her whorish impulses.* 2 1/2(maybe classic)

"Tickle the Ivories w/ Janis Wolfe (Bad Public Access Show) *A very plain (& refreshingly un-self-aware) woman plays piano & reads psalms.* 1 star

"Topless Anti-Fashion" (DDTV San Francisco Public Access 1995) *A Lil' Kim look-a-like exposes painted nipples in what seems like a real life version of something Damon Wayans would parody on In Living Color.* 2 stars

Jake Byrd: Sara Palin Superfan (2008) *Bend over & grab your Arab ankles (Hussein Obama) or love Alaskan beaver (Palin Power).* 3 stars

Mr. Plinkett's Cop Dog Review *Put a dog on the cover of the dvd & dumb parents will rent it for their kids. Even though the dog commits suicide halfway in & becomes a ghost dog.* 0 for Cop Dog & 3 for Plinkett

"Best of The New Tom Green Show" (2003) *Short lived talk show that captured the same kind of crappy hip young adult audience NBC's Jimmy Fallon would a decade later. Also another attempt by MTV to tame & market a cult & avant garde artist (idiot?) to the American public (about as successful as his first MTV show in 1999 & his box office bomb of a movie "Freddy Got Fingered" 2001?).* 2 stars

Robin Williams - Improv with The Second City *Robin could improve any "hellhole."* close to 2 1/2 (would be more if it were recorded professionally instead of by an audience member, in the back row, with a cheap camcorder)

"Satarded Satanic Panic" (youtube) *Before she became a high priestess in the corporate church of the global economy, Oprah bought in to the goofy fearmongering going on in the Reagan years. Either a nutbag or a decoy evangelical pretending to be a reformed participant in a unbelievably ridiculous occult sacrifice story has Oprah taking his side over the more logical minded, yet still pretentious within his constitutional religious rights, devil-worshipper.* 1 star

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Alien Abductions & End of the World *These crazies are actual doctors & best selling authors. Meanwhile, I'm not prepping for doomsday & I have no repressed memories of being probed. On top of that, I'm flat broke & live off of a diet of mostly beans while hardly leaving my house. I'm not paranoid, just lazy & unmotivated. I'd rather not survive an apocalypse or fly away w/ little green men.* 3 stars

Weird Al Yankovic: Headline News *Tru Al TV presents World's Dumbest Musical (Criminals).* close to 3 stars

Uncharted Zone: Ken Manning - Gulf Breeze UFO *Lookin' for a lost shaker of Martian salt.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

5 Dollar Wrestling: Next 5 Dollar Wrestling Superstar, Jimmy the Snake Roberts *DDT stands for "drop dead twice."* close to 3 stars

Vh1 Classic Pop Up Video: Latoya Jackson - Heart Don't Lie *The black sheep of the Jacksons in a video all about puppy love.* close to 2 stars w/ pop ups & 1/2 a star w/out

"Pauly's Totally Buff Special" *MTV's "The Weasel" Pauly Shore butchers the English/Spanish/human language drooling the international language of love (lust) over California bimbos.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars (for an idiot time capsule)

"Alien Lust" ---xxx--- 1985 *"A story of bizarro desires!" Nothing too out of this world, except for maybe the corny cartoon alien penis monster sex scene finale.* close to 2 stars or mostly 1/2 a star

X Files: The Erlenmeyer Flask *The hybrids fall from Olympus. The finale of the "Deep Throat" story arc.*

3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Collection Completed *Grumpy bulldog M. Emmett Walsh begins his retirement by outcrazying his animal hoarding, eccentric wife when he uses taxidermy on all her beloved pets.* 3 stars

Harvey Keitel in "Corrupt" *"The public seek the police in order to be punished for their illicit desires." Johnny Rotten & Harvey make a cerebral odd couple.* close to 3 stars

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