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theclosetedskeleton · 9 months

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Im going to be so serious here I think november-december 2022 was literally one of the lowest periods of my life

#because like #it was around the time where my 'best friend' of 8 years techincally left me for other people #and i was dealing with an identity/gender crisis #AND the only people I had to talk to me were people on pinterest #like im not joking I went through my old idea pins today #and so many of them were just talking abt whatever came to my mind and stuff like #'i need help' or 'im going mental'#I think that was kind of a joking thing at the time but looking back it wasnt a 100% slash j #PLUS i was staying at my moms friends house at that time and i had NOTHING to do and really nobody to talk to #im a lot better now #but yeah #was this a vent?? my bad #closet rambles again on tumblr

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the-furies · 9 months

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my gender is robot. my gender is wires. my gender is robot in a nonbinary way and girl in a robot way. my gender is girl in a queer way. My gender is, Dyke. My gender is masculine in the complete opposite direction of that, and I don't know what direction that is but I do know that it's Faggot. My gender OS is: Fucked Up. I'm a girl in a queer way [in a technology way]. I'm a boy in a dog way [in a virtual pet way]. My gender is, "Yes, And". My gender is, "No, But". My gender is: Probably not! My gender is the Eroticism Of The Machine. My gender is

#pk;m Electrochemistry🔴#hi! I've been out of front for what I think is 2? irl days? 1½ irl days? I don't know #what I DO know is I immediately had a breakdown when I was allowed [!!!] back up front last night #and then shortly after the body woke up today I had An Gender Identity Crisis Or Something. So like.#take this Whatever this is as a coming out post or something #[joke. abt it being a coming out post. bc we don't do that here do we. idk]#my gender is also HEY WHY IS IT 102° OUT? HELLO? HELLO?? HELLO. HI. GOD? ARE YOU THERE? ARE WE STILL IN HELL?#d slur #f slur #but like. reclaimed. y'know #repetition

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eqqbyte · 9 months

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and i remain unchanging

#this was meant to just be all the hair colors ive had but i couldnt think of a caption so now its abt my identity crisis <3 #egg.png #self portrait #art #artists on tumblr #cute art

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noxtivagus · 1 year

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JUST SAW THIS NOW AAAA MY FAVS 🥺🫶🏼

#🌙.rambles #[ octopath. ]#i love them !!!!#gna. try. to do. a lot. today. hdfalksdjfsd #guys i love them so much though temenos n throné r my favs #sorry. for the tags. i'm. not part of the semestral honor awardees bcs my grade in filipino was just barely out of the cut #sorry it just. hurts. i cried a lot about it in november it made me really numb n i isolated so much n a lot kinda broke for me then #it's weird yk haha i've always been a part of these ppl #n my grades in ever other subject is just but filipino just.#it hurts. it hurts so much #i mean my average is yk still the best grade there is but #stupid school n it having this awarding system of only semestral awardee if each qtr tou have the highest grade #bro i had a full identity crisis n #i just. don't want to think abt it #i don't want to think abt it at all haha this is one of my biggest regrets #but what i regret more is how i just can't be kind to myself abt it #but it's just so. disappointing yk?#i used to be one of the top in exams. tbf that'd be for every subject that's not in filipino #n i'm not bad at filipino but it's just my weakest point compared to stuff like english or maths n sciences n wtvr the fuck #it hurts. this #i'm sorry it hurts even more than i'm even hurt by it but i just want to move on get it out of my head but it just hurts so much #i was gna rant abt it last night but apollo n i ended up talking abt stuff n i went to sleep without it being the first thought on my mind #this hurts bcs it's just one fucking subject bringing me down #but my worth isn't defined by this. i know that i know so much more. but. what if i'm not? what if #goddamn bcs growing up acads was rlly. yk. to me. i wrote n played piano as my hobbies n even i liked some sports honestly but #i rmb thinking then how much it hurt how. yk back then i thought acads was what i was best at. but i. was. inferior. even to #one of my old best friends. tbf she's like rlly rlly smart n she's my third cousin too actually but yh #i know that i know better n i'm above this pain but.. it still hurts n i just curse my humanity #SORRY I'M FINE JUST TIRED RN. yk i'm just.. happy at least that. i'm moving past my disappointment yeah? striving to do better.#n i am. i'm taking care of myself better n that's what matters most to me. still it hurts but i'm more than it yk

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chisatowo · 1 year

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Thinking soooo hard abt past timeline stalien stuff rn.... Just Sprinkles and Looser just completely centering their worlds around eachother, both so desperate to break away from eachother but unable to conceive a world in which they're not the only ones in it. It's not until one of them is gone, when Sprinkles should have finally won, that the tears in her worldview become too evident to ignore, that it becomes unavoidable that the world is much bigger than she let herself grapple with, that people outside of her lead real lives, that things were never as simple as Looser being the sole thing dragging her down. Also then all the others start dropping dead like flies and she's having like 50 breakdowns at once and she tells Brute abt None of this because of course she didn't

#rat rambles #oc posting #eternal gales #Im so tired rn sorry if this is kibda clumsily worded gndndkdh #honestly itd be interesting to see a world where looser was the one to be alive for the last loop instead #current sprinkles had a pretty big identity crisis over all that jazz which wasnt helped by the identity crisis she was already having #looser on the other hand is both more and less self aware at the same time as in he is aware of more of his issues but goes out of his way #to ignore them and not think too hard abt it as that might cause a domino effect hes not ready for #hed almost certainly try to push this down too and ignore it but itd. get to him rly bad I think #his biggest fear is seeing those dear to him (especially sprinkles) be hurt by his mistakes so remembering even bits of past loop stuff #would seriously fuck him up and itd rly intensify a lot of his self loathing and anxiety #hed take sprinkles hating him back then as justified and would take it as a sign that current sprinkles hates him too #and would he say shit abt this to anyone ever? nope. hed bottle that shit up for as long as he could manage and itd end horribly #sprinkles could have handled her own situation better but at least she like. tried to communicate after a certain point #anyways! sleepy tired moments. good night ✌

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pansy-picnics · 20 days

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A vat7k related question.

What do you think is Hugo's gender identity? Cus I want to hear what you think Hugo's gender is and the story behind it.

EHEHEHE personally i think she’s genderfluid and uses he/she/they pronouns…….I think he was kind of an uncracked egg up until the trials though. like, he’s been in survival mode for so long that he’s never had the time or luxury to really think about himself or his identity….i think he’s had a lot of different disguises over his career though, and those personas are either male or female depending on what the situation calls for so he’s not a stranger to dressing femininely either.

but yeah…i think for a long time hugo just identified as male by default cuz like…what else would he be LOL. if he had any doubts at all they weren’t significantly hindering him or anything so he just buried them with all the other of the emotions he doesn’t want to feel. but like the closet is made of GLASS and this becomes especially obvious when she teams up with 3 other teenagers who are also transgender so sometimes she’ll just Say Shit and they all turn around and look at her like “…….🤨”

i have this very vivid scene in my head where varian comes out to the gang as trans and hes clearly really uneasy abt it. and hugo doesn’t know what to say so he just tries to relate by saying the first thing that comes to mind and goes “oh yeah i get it i mean. sometimes i wish i was a girl but like not all the time yk” and nuru and varian both just stop and stare at him

hugo, getting nervous: …Sorry that’s probably not the same thing forget i said anything

nuru: No i think we should talk about this?

anyways yeah….other than her traveling party giving her some weird looks nothing actually really came of these conversations bc hugo would refuse to think about herself even if you put a gun to her head

fast forward to post-trials though, and hugo’s been living in the castle with varian for about six months…it was REALLY messy for both of them while she was adjusting, but at this point shes finally started to let her guard down a little, and all of a sudden she has SO much free time and she has no idea what to do with any of it. she’s stealing collecting things, tinkering with all kinds of useless little gadgets, rapunzel is teaching her tons of little arts and crafts projects. overall shes pretty content despite everything. So anyways then the gender crisis hits them like a fucking freight train

honestly i’m like half joking when i say i think it started bc they just kept forgetting to cut their hair. like one day they looked in the mirror and they’re like “wow my hairs getting so long i kinda look like a girl lol. Wait”

AND AS FUNNY AS IT IS ITS SO. WILDLY UNFAMILIAR TO THEM. like all of a sudden theyre SO insecure for as far as they can tell, NO reason and it drives them CRAZY. i dont even think that hugo dislikes their masculine features after coming out, i think they embrace them if anything but its just like…going from 0 to 100 so fast and suddenly being so hyper aware of themselves in a way that they NEVER were before…having to realize that they’re definitely Not cis. it’s fucking TERRIFYING!!!

not to mention it hits him all at once during a time when he’s still frankly really paranoid about him and varian’s relationship, and he’s kinda walking on eggshells bc deep down he’s convinced that var’s just gonna get tired of him eventually and kick him out. its like he’s just waiting for the final nail in the coffin despite the fact that there is literally no coffin.

All that being said i think it takes him a while to work up the courage to talk to varian about it. and he knows he won’t like. hate him for being trans or anything (I sure hope he wouldn’t, at least, seeing as he is literally also trans) but varian’s already done SO much for him and helped him through literally everything already….he doesn’t want to burden him any more than he already has. he also cant comprehend that someone can just Like him, like, as a person, so he’s convinced himself that varian must see something specific in him right now and he’s afraid that if he changes himself drastically in any way then whatever varian saw in him just. won’t be there anymore. If that makes sense

as for who he actually goes to first- honestly i think it’d have to be lance. at least in my head lance was the first person hugo really started to bond with aside from varian….he didn’t start letting his guard down with rapunzel until quite a while after that. also i think he’s worried that if he tells rapunzel she’d end up accidentally spilling something to varian (which is like. Valid bc she’s a horrible liar) he’d definitely write a letter to nuru, too, but nuru is also in another kingdom, and that message takes a while to get to her, so it’s more something they talk about after the fact

when he finally does get a letter back after dumping this revelation on her it’s just like

“dearest hugo. upon reading your letter i desperately wanted to tell you that i told you so, but i realize that would be in poor taste, seeing as you are clearly struggling right now. Moreover,-“ /j

regardless of who she tells first, they obviously all support her and encourage her to talk to varian as well…And ofc varian hypes her up to no end when she finally does. i wanna say it’s a sweet emotional scene but i feel like varian was also under the assumption that she figured out the gender thing like a year ago /j

hugo: ,,,,so like. i don’t think i’m a guy

varian: . yeah?

hugo:

hugo: TFYM “YEAH”?????!!!!???

varian: D. DID WE NOT ALREADY KNOW THIS?

hugo: ,???? NO???!!???!

jokes aside though as soon as hugo does decide he wants to explore his presentation more varian immediately consults rapunzel who gets WAY too excited about it and it kind of scares hugo a little bit. /j like Do you want to cut your hair? Dye it? Do you want new piercings? TATTOOS????

they eventually just settle on getting her a few new pieces to add to her wardrobe and that works out fine. varian sees his girlfriend in a dress and loses his mind etc etc. All is right in the world

#vat7k #varian and the 7 kingdoms #tangled ask #varian and the seven kingdoms #vat7k hugo #varigo #varian #tts headcanons #pansy rambling again #pansy-art #i first answered this like two weeks ago but i lost the entire post and i got so mad that i just didnt bother writing it out again #until now i guess

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mermaidfanficlibrary · 6 months

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oh ok, then I'd like to request phony by tsumiki (I think?) with furina, wanderer and childe

idrc abt whatever else is in the fic, it could be fluff or angst (maybe that's more for furina or wanderer since the lyrics are abt not knowing their purpose/who they are)

I think that's all I need to write to request-

thank you <33!!

.·:🎼¨༺ Songs from the heart ༻¨🎼:·. | Phony

Characters: Wanderer, Furina, Childe

Song: Phony by Tsumiki

youtube

Warnings: Angst, identity crisis

A/U: Self aware genshin AU

CHILDE

You were doing a domain with Childe, obviously because you loved fighting in domains with him. He was doing really well, hitting high numbers, but the world around him paused. He knew this wasn’t a normal pause as you open one of the various menus of the game, but it was him having a sudden realization. Childe was used to you playing music as you fought during domains, but this one particular song struck a chord within him. You had thought you game broke because Childe was just standing still, but wasn't taking any damage.

“The rain of despair pelts my umbrella and. Dampens my bangs and the hidden side of my heart”

That one lyric out of this whole song made him snap. All of a sudden you had control over him and his numbers were a lot higher. Childe was putting a lot more force into his attacks. You didn't notice, but this song was heavily affecting him. That one lyric connected to him more than anyone else, and the fact that it was coming from you made it even worse. He tried to think why this one lyric hit so hard to him.

This feeling hit him like a tidal wave, not knowing what to do or say. After you exited the domain, he just stared at you. He had this feeling that you were punishing him for hiding so much from you. The previous times where he hid the truth, not revealing who he truly was or what his intentions were. He hated himself that he had to lie to you, the deception he subjected to you.

He was sincerely remorseful about ever deceiving you, but it was for the greater good. If you had known, he was sure that you would have hated him. You just had Childe stand outside the domain, trying to figure out what you needed to do next, while Chide was having an anxiety attack. His eyes were shaky, and his hands were trembling as he couldn’t still his racing mind. He was sure that you must have hated him.

“I’m sorry I didn’t try hard enough to hide my truths from you.”

WANDERER

Wanderer may have seemed annoyed that you had him on the field to do boss fights, but deep down he was very prideful and proud about it. Of course you chose him out of all the others that you had, he was the best out of all of them anyway. Wanderer had this smirk on his face after every boss he had defeated, but that smirk disappeared as he heard a song play. This was normal, you obviously needed background noise, but this one song cause Wanderer’s mind to spiral. He didn’t know what to do as he felt trapped, but one lyric made it even worse.

“I can’t understand even the simplest of things; what even am I?”

He paused in the middle of his attack, the wind he was using quickly dissipated from his hand. All his memories came flooding back to him, as he tried to compose himself. Wanderer thought he was over this, he already confronted his past. So why was it all coming back to him so suddenly? It didn’t make any sense to him, especially since it was triggered by that one lyric. It was true, he didn’t understand anything, even after all the work he had done to understand humans.

He internalized this lyric and started to think it was how you saw him, but it didn’t cross his mind that it was how you saw yourself. You noticed that Wanderer wasn’t fighting anymore, thinking it was odd, so you decided to move him to a teleporter. You didn’t know if it was the game glitching or what, but you just let the game run on its own, hoping it would be fixed by itself. Wanderer started to cry, he didn’t think such a simple song could affect him and cause him to have a panic attack. He looked at you, hoping you would notice his pain in his eyes.

Wanderer kept his sole focus on you, trying to make sense of the purpose of the song that was playing. Were you trying to give him a sign, perhaps, or were you simply telling him you didn’t see him as what he wanted. His mind spiraled as he kept thinking on why you played that song, and if you even chose to play it. Wanderer didn’t want to accept the reality that he wasn’t real to you, that he was just a mere puppet with no emotions. As the screen dimmed, you still waiting for the game to fix itself, his eyes stared on with disbelief.

“Am I even real to you, creator?”

FURINA

Furina was skipping, even if you couldn’t see it through the screen, as you explored with her. She loved that someone as prestigious as you thought of her to be good for the job. She hummed to herself, seemingly enjoying the music that was playing in the background. You were fighting some monsters in Fontaine, and she was more than delighted to reign victorious, even if they were easy enemies. That delighted feeling got sucked out of her the moment she heard the song change to one that she couldn’t help but connect too.

“I cried, still unable to say even goodbye, phony phony phony. Tangled up in lies, I am a phony”

She felt tears well up in her eyes instantly. She couldn’t stop herself from crying, as she froze in front of the items of the fallen enemy that was just defeated. Her eyes were darting everywhere, trying to not focus on this one lyric. Furina instantly came to the conclusion that you saw her as a phony. She couldn’t blame you, however, since she felt like one herself. She wasn’t the true Hydro Archon after all, so what was she meant to be?

Tears feel onto the sand that she was standing upon, causing it to clump together. Her eyes stayed away from you, she couldn’t bring herself to even see you looking at her. She felt so much guilt and fear that you didn’t see her as anything but a phony. Furina tried her best to pull herself out of this negative spiral. She fell to her knees, more tears overwhelming her vision.

You hadn’t noticed as you became distracted with the music playing. Furina had held her hands as if she were praying to you. Her eyes were wide as she was fighting herself in her mind. Her breathing became labored as more tears fell around her. She started to yell out to you, hoping you’d hear her pleas.

“I’m not a phony! I’m not. I’m not. I’m not! Why won’t you believe me, oh great creator?”

Do not repost or translate without my explicit permission! Reblogs are welcome!

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incandesang · 1 year

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i wrote an (incomplete) list of everything wrong with lestat de lioncourt. take this knowing it is a work in progress.

- mommy issues

- daddy issues

- 18th century aristocrat

- religion hops like trisha paytas (thank u anne. i will not become catholic u will not defeat me)

- french

- was a misogynist until the 20th century

- wanted to be a priest

- theatre kid

- cries to get attention

- won’t shut the fuck up about the fact he killed a whole pack of wolves when he was in his teens. that was 200 years ago please try to accomplish something else cool

- his accent is fake. he just puts on a parisian french accent. he’s from the fucking sticks he did not speak parisian french until he was 19 and then only lived in paris for like 2 years max. his accent is FAKE.

- doesn’t stick to his own morals and then makes excuses abt it

- once ate an old lady and had a crisis so bad that he almost died

- canonically op bc anne wanted him to be her mary sue babygirl

- blond cis man

- SERIOUS self esteem issues that he has to get everyone involved with

- has an existential crisis that nearly kills him at least once a decade

- rock star outfits weren’t slutty enough (thanks ANNE.)

- hasn’t had a sense of identity since 1780!!

- too committed to the bit actually

- absolutely fucking delusional (so i can fuck whoever i want 🤨 of COURSE 🤡 of course. 😤of course. 😨as long as you come home to me 😃 of COURSE 🥲)

- got murdered by a five year old at one point

- sees any hot miserable guy and thinks that’s his soulmate INSTANTLY

- had two glasses of wine on a date and then proceeded to scream cry about the inevitable heat death of the universe

- doesn’t know what a fork is???

- canonically into public humiliation and degradation. u cannot bully lestat at all it will just turn him on

- drank the blood of christ

- went down on his girlfriend on her period (hysterically crying the whole time he did it) while his friends watched (she didn’t orgasm. he was having too much of a crisis to actually give her a good time)

- ate a used pad.

- i JuSt LoVe BeiNg caLLeD A sLuT i DoN’t KnOw whY i JuSt dO

- set louis’ house on fire (all these people do is burn each other’s shit please just talk like adults)

- has no hobbies other than ‘get into dumb trouble’

- dated the world’s first terf

- is, according to the world’s first terf, a culmination of everything that is wrong with men

- described his dick with ‘priapus at a gate’ when he wanted to subtly brag abt how big his dick was. right after being told he was the culmination of everything wrong with men

- was confused when human dicks weren’t always erect (are vampires ALWAYS hard?? if anne wasn’t dead i’d ask her but alas)

#it’s also a joke && not that deep #most of the time the call is coming from INSIDE the house #lestat de lioncourt #vampire chronicles

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chushanye · 5 months

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I'm thinking about the Glenn s1 trial again and I remember talking abt it with someone and they said "the thing I hate most about this arc is that Nick had no say in what was going to happen. his autonomy was taken away." but I think the trial was never REALLY about Nick. as far as i remember the trial was a trap from Willy, it was a power trip.

I saw the whole thing as a stressful representation of how kids aren't treated like they can decide and know where they feel best. kids aren't given autonomy. yes yes it's sad Glenn lost his son but this kid lost his identity. Nick Close ceased to exist and he had no say in it. his entire personality changed without his consent. and when he remembered his old life it ultimately only hurt him more as his fathers were preoccupied with their own feelings about the situation, leaving him to have a personality crisis pretty much on his own.

I think if there's one thing season 2 deliverd on thematically, it's the continuation of this arc. kids who got ripped away from their old home, frustrated by adults making decisions for them, desperately fighting for autonomy and to decide who they are instead of it being decided for them

#what if i went into metaphors of the adoption sysrem and how fucked it is #dndads #dungeons and daddies #dndaddies

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namranii · 2 months

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ough what abt dadspy headcanons? like yk how spy is scout's dad and allat (platonic ofc)

Spy as a Dad Headcanons 🕵️‍♂️

When scout first found out he had an actual identity crisis.

He started avoiding Spy, and was in denial for a long time.

I have this thing that Spy didn’t know that Scout was HIS KID until he actually got to know him, then he realized

Even though Spy acts like an asshole sometimes, he still cares. So he’s going to watch his son from far away. Very far away.

Buying rich people clothes for scout and then just saying “It’s because you have no taste.”

Scouts gonna take a long time to warm up to Spy as a dad, but once he does, he’ll stop being annoying to spy.

Scout thought that his dad was Tom Jones for MONTHS (basically canon)

Spy didn’t want to leave scout and his mom, but he felt like he had to so that he could keep them safe.

Im sorry that it was so short, this is all I can think of but enjoy!!

#spydad #dadspy #blu scout #scouts ma #headcanons #redscout #redspy #tf2 #hcs

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comradekatara · 4 months

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for tbe atla people who has had in-universe fanfiction written about them (along the lines of tina belcher who came from bobs burger belcher)

your asks are always so strange (both in content and wording) that I end up having to read them like 5 times before I can begin to parse them. anyway I love that you cite tina belcher instead of just. rpf. like the literal terminology for this phenomenon that we do very much have at our disposals. so I even can’t tell if you’re asking “who would have rpf written about them” (which also presumably differs from historical fiction about past avatars or smth like that) and “who would write freaky friend fiction (like tina)?” i’m gonna go with the latter bc it’s way funnier.

i think that girl meng would definitely have written some….things…..about aang, iykwim. zombie apocalypse au, enemies to lovers, there was only one bed, etc etc.

i can also just kind of see jin doing this (abt lee from the tea shop or otherwise) i can’t explain it she just has fujoshi vibes. like, whenever ppl talk about how jin, zuko, and jet should have all been friends in ba sing se, i’m usually like “uhh… why tho….” but now i see why. it’s so that she could write jetko rpf about them.

for therapeutic purposes mai probably writes a lot of really cathartic short stories about her entire family, the entire royal family, and ty lee all falling into a sinkhole. but then mai saves ty lee from drowning at the last minute, which teaches ty lee to appreciate her instead of that stupid sinkhole bitch azula (this is all pre boiling rock, obviously).

at one point mai and sokka find a notebook of really angsty fanfiction about the blue spirit and they’re like, “oh my god this is amazing we gotta show this to zuko, he’ll get a kick out of this,” not realizing that zuko actually wrote it himself as a way to work through his identity crisis. he’s just like, “yeah….wow….so cringey, right? but also, kind of incredible how this writer articulates the struggle of the bisected self in extremis so beautifully……right? you guys think so too?” and sokka and mai just look at each other and silently go, “okay…. we may have made a mistake…..”

when katara was a child she would make up stories in her head about finding the avatar and befriending him and having him fall in love with her due to her courage and beauty and (hopefully, someday) waterbending talent and they would defeat the firelord together and live happily ever after. but thankfully she never wrote any of this down, because paper is a very scarce commodity in the southern water tribe and even she knows better than to invoke gran gran’s wrath on that. she never tells aang. although at some point (in sworn secrecy) she does end up telling zuko (assuming that he’d understand considering he also devised fantasies of finding the avatar to cope with his miserable existence), and he laughs for hours.

during their time together in the nwt, yue’s diary gets filled with all kinds of lurid fantasies of sokka killing hahn (in increasingly brutal ways) and sneaking her out of the palace so that she can join team avatar and they can be together forever. of course, whenever they talk about it, she’s just like “yes I love hahn he is great and I love my people and I would never leave my home” so sokka’s just like “okay girl you do you.” but then during the siege, yue actually sees sokka kill a man, and she’s suddenly so conflicted because all her self-indulgent fantasies were a bit too real (and in reality, he’s way more efficient about killing people than he was in her fantasies, almost like he’s done it before….) and she has no clue how to feel about it. anyway, thankfully, yue has learned how to hide her diary really well at this point, because if arnook ever found those particular pages he would’ve tracked down sokka and killed him without hesitation.

ok bonus follow up to the fujoshi jin writing jetko rpf au: eventually they find it (or maybe she’s bold enough to just straight up give it to them. you know what, she might be) and read it. jet’s like, “uhhh…. jin….. i’m not gay. you know that, right?” (he’s actually been hitting on her for… a while now…) and zuko’s like, “okay well i might be. BUT NOT FOR HIM!!!”

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mono-dot-jpeg · 1 year

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comfort from a demon - beelzebub

summary; being a demon was more of a mental struggle than you expected. you can feel your humanity chip away as you continue to live in the past.

genre/extra tags; slight hurt comfort, fluff, cuddling is the form of comfort fr fr, nightbringer! mc, demon! mc, this is just a silly goofy concept, mc can't catch a break, reader is referred to as mc

word count; 641

warnings; mc gets vertigo, describing dizziness in semi detail, identity crisis(?)

[gender neutral mc]

a/n; i love beel sm :((( he's so,,, hhh i lvoev him :( also i did not read a single thing abt what happened in chapter 80 in obey me og, so uh,, call this canon divergence ig, im in my song looping phase rn. kind of losing my mind bc nothing seems to be hittin. anyways, wrote this at like 3-4am. also something abt writing vertigo made me feel it for a min,,, wild. also i swear i wrote more wtf

you haven't been here for long but you can feel yourself molding to this new form. your mentality is a little less human as the day goes by.

it's been very odd knowing that you're a demon now. you can suddenly understand how to summon beings with ease, read curses, read blessings, and it's just a fraction of what this body seemed capable of.

it was stressful. living your life as a human and suddenly having to be something you're not. you're the "attendant" of the brothers but in another timeline, you're their human roommate that they cherish the most.

they're not really mean in this timeline, which is nice but they are slowing succumbing to the respective sins. and they have to deal with finally accepting that they're no longer angels.

and once again you have to play unpaid therapist while you have your own struggles to deal with.

you can feel yourself slipping away. your head in a constant ache as you think about the past the brothers had to deal with, the way you need to come back, the way you need to regain the trust of the brothers, and the way you need to keep this "attendant" persona of yours until there's a way back to the present.

so here you are sitting in the kitchen, elbows resting on the table and your hand pressed on your temples. it's the dead of night, the world is quiet. it's some of the few bits of silence you needed.

your body aches, your breath is heavy while your head rests on the counter. everything feels dizzy. you can't think right.

"mc? are you asleep?" beel's voice rings gently in your ears. he's gentle as his hand rests on your shoulder. "you shouldn't sleep here, it's not very healthy to sleep sitting like that..." his voice is laced with concern, moving your arms to help him get a better look at you.

but you're adamant and very dizzy still. your body jerks, tugging your arm away from his hold. you can't help but cough, you feel like throwing up as if you were too drunk. but nothing comes out thankfully. "are you okay?" he's moving to the other side where your head is facing away from him. he carefully kneels down to face you properly to check if you were going pale. "i don't want to leave you out here if you're not okay."

you take in a breath only to cough, your body shaking. "not..." you try to speak but fail and shake your head gently to answer his question.

"is it okay if i carry you? i'll take care of you." his stomach is growling but he's too focused on you to care. you swallow your choking feeling back and nod softly. beel is more than extremely careful while he guides your arms to wrap around his neck. he doesn't make any sudden movements to worsen your dizziness. "have you been taking care of yourself?" his voice is softer than usual, laced with concern and curiosity. he hasn't been in devildom for long so he's just as lost as you are on demons and how they deal with illnesses.

you don't answer, head still spinning as you rest your head on his shoulder. your silence speaks volumes to him. he doesn't say anything. you eventually reach the shared bedroom of beel and belphie. it felt like forever to get there with how the world felt like it was spinning faster to you. everything felt too fast yet too slow.

"i'm sorry i can't do much." he frowned. he placed you down on the bed, covering you with a blanket. "but i will help you if you need it. i like you when you're caring for yourself and happy, mc." your heart warms at beel's whisper of a declaration.

no matter the timeline, beel seems to care for you all the same.

"thank you."

#obey me beel x reader #obey me shall we date #obey me swd #obey me fluff #obey me x reader #obey me beelzebub #beelzebub x mc #beelzebub x reader #obey me beelzebub x reader

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our-demigirl-experience · 15 days

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Submitted this to a few more blogs but I thinking im getting most accuracy here, from what i've seen around:)

Hey

Asking for advice as I'm going through another [sparkle sparkle] gender crisis [uiii ]

So I tend to present really androgynously/masc most of the days. It's comfortable, it's not tight fitting, it looks eccentric, you can't tell I'm afab so bonus points, and it feels like me.

On those days I just go by they/them. In my mind. I'm not out, mind you. My parents aren't supportive. :')

But then I have days when I'm fine with people she/her-ing me. Even tho I present the same way, because it feels good.

And then there are days when I dress like a dude and act like the most fem person ever.

Then there are days when I totally switch up my style, go from loose baggy men's jeans and overshirts to the classic flared jean and crop top and I'm definitely a girl. Except for when I decide I'm uncomfortable and just switch up, go to the bathroom, put my binder on, gel my hair and start acting like a dude dressed in girls' clothes. [A little note:I started carrying a few men's items like cologne and gel at first for fun and to spruce up my looks whenever I need some confidence, but yeah they've been life savers :] ]

Then I don't even bother with pronouns, people are just going to assume whatever ig.

And then there are days when being called a girl is just straight up offensive and I just hate all the hair on my head and need to shave it but then I don't feel he/him, because boy is also nasty those days and I'm just an angry gremlin and idk.

And then there are days when I love flowery patterns and knitwear and those hippie round hats(not beanies, idk what they're called. The ones that look like a fishmonger's staple piece and are a sort of floppy downsides) and I love menswear those days but paired with dresses and sometimes makeup and sometimes shorts and it's all weird and genderfuck and I just don't bother.

Then there are days when I just play with my appearance for fun, not because of gender but because it's also how I express myself and idk.

...Basically I just broke my gender and now it's also a style somehow but not always and it's so frigged up. And I've done my research and the top labels would be one of the demis or genderfluid but meh

And I'm mostly sure I'm not bigender/trigender/pangender etc because it doesn't resonate and also I never got this thing with half a gender or more than one, I just thought demi-s at first because it leaves room for parts and bits that don't really fit. And I also dunno if what troubles me is my gender or my style as binarised and if I'm reffering to stuff correctly because SINCE WHEN IS GENDER SO COMPLICATED MOST PEOPLE DON'T EVEN THINK ABT ITT whyyyy

And I'm usually fine with being called a girl but !not! with being feminine and I feel like ~ meh~ and I want a dude's body and stubble, yeah, stubble would be cool.

And I think that when I was a kid I never particularly cared, I mean I was tomboyish sometimes but not always and it usually depended on the environment. And yeah I hated dresses but now I don't and being called a girl never gave me pause but now it does and it is uncomfortable too.

And I'm also thinking it's just me overthinking everything because nothing EVER gave me pause until my pinterest insisted "yeah ur trans" because of my more masc style and I was like "fine let's see. I might get rid of the soft fem outfits in my feed" and it was a downwards spiral.

And I had been warned that after questioning ur sexuality comes gender identity and I said "I'm fine, I'm just nonconforming cis" and now idk nothing makes sense anymore.

I'm sorry if this is triggering at all to anyone, with my binarised thinking and stuff but thing is: IM NOT OUT YEYY(not that I'd know what to come out as and not that my family would support me :l ). That's how people perceive me. And I just want to give a picture of what caused me to be questioning.

I know it's a lot to handle, but advice? :)

And also some fashion tips. :))

Tyssm <3

I get it! Gender can be really confusing. My main advice is to test out using different labels to find out which one you like the most! And for fashion, it really depends on your style!! Pinterest can be really helpful for things like this. Good luck <3

#gender questioning #our demigirl experience #asks

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yardsards · 4 months

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What made you realize you’re aro? An idea has been planted in my head of me being aro

i feel like for me, my thing was less about *realizing* i was aro and more about *accepting* that i was aro. (also talk abt my asexuality in here bc those two parts of my identity feel very intertwined. and some gender stuff as well)

as a little kid, i didn't have any crushes. i assumed all my classmates that said they had crushes were just lying or doing some kind of social performance that i (as an undiagnosed autistic who frequently felt left out by my peers' social rules) figured i just didn't get. i figured real crushes wouldn't happen til we were teenagers or something.

when i was like 13, i was clicking around on wikipedia, and found an article about asexuality. immediately i identified myself in it (and realized that oh, it wasn't the default). my confusion about why the girls my age always talked about finding guys hot finally made sense to me. it just clicked into place.

i read up more about asexuality. i looked at the asexual tag on tumblr. i learned about aromanticism and the split attraction model.

but i wasn't ready to accept being aromantic yet. i labelled myself a heteroromantic asexual for several months, maybe even a year. the idea of never having sex wasn't scary to me. but the idea of never falling in love was *terrifying*. so i told myself i just hadn't met the right boy yet and would grow into it. (you'd think a 13 year old would figure out their romantic orientation before their sexual orientation, cuz it's normal for sexual attraction to not be fully developed yet. but i was not coming from the most logical place here)

over time, seeing aromantics online, and unlearning heteronormativity and amatonormativity, the idea of being aromantic started to feel less scary. so i *began* to accept the fact that i could be aro and that would be okay, and started calling myself aromantic.

but a part of me still didn't *want* to be aromantic.

i tried looking for alternative explanations. i questioned if i was a lesbian: i now knew i didn't want to be any boy's girlfriend, but being a girl's girlfriend was never shoved down my throat (and didn't have heteronormative gender roles baked into it) the way dating boys was and so didn't make me so viscerally uncomfortable. and something about butch lesbians really resonated with me (hello repressed gender crisis). i found girls pretty to look at, and fun to draw.

and i had this female friend that i tended to cling to (i have always had a habit of clinging stronglyvto one best friend at a time in my younger years, as a weird autism-anxiety thing). i liked being by her side, and i wanted to hold her hand. i wanted us to be in each other's lives forever. i found myself jealous when she paid more attention to her various boyfriends and girlfriends than me. (later on i realized that she actually wasn't a very good friend and treated all of her friends like free therapy or pit stops between romantic partners. very high school.)

then i realized i was trans, and came out to some close friends.

and then two separate male-aligned friends both admitted romantic feelings towards me in a very close timespan. it made me feel warm when they told me they wanted to be with me. but i told them i didn't think i reciprocated the feelings. both of them told me they'd be okay with something queerplatonic instead of romantic. but i told them i wasn't sure about that either bc commitment like that was scary to me. and i wasn't sure that if i did want a qpr if i would want it with either of them specifically.

i started to think, maybe i was biromantic. the idea of being a boy's boyfriend didn't make my skin crawl the same way the idea of being a boy's girlfriend did. i wondered if maybe the reason i didn't say yes to being in a romantic relationship was just the same reasons i also didn't say yes to being in a queerplatonic relationship (commitment issues/not being sure if either of those particular people were right for me)

but i slowly realized that all of my feelings that i was hoping to fit into a romantic box just. weren't romantic and couldn't be forced to be romantic. it was all either just strong platonic love (i remember noting that it was roughly the same type of love i'd felt towards favorite cousins, who the idea of being romantic with obviously disgusted me). or in other cases were just me being lonely and wanting to be loved and paid attention to, and wanting any love i could get even if it were romantic. and being so afraid of being abandoned in favour of everyone getting romantic partners (because our amatonormative society says that friends should always come second to romantic partners, plus that first girl friend regularly ditching me for her partners increasing that fear) so i was hoping to be in a romantic relationship with the people i loved platonically so that i wouldn't have to worry about them leaving me behind.

idk if i explained it well, and idk if any of this is helpful to you. but yeah.

#eliot posts

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robotpussy · 4 months

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um identity crisis rant ✌️✌️ putting it under a cut because um it's kind of unnecessary. also I'm deleting this soon.

ok so yea I'm not sure if I'm bisexual or a lesbian..... I've felt this way for years. I'm attracted to men when I make them up. or when I barely interact with them. and I know a lot of ppl have this experience and still wouldn't consider themselves lesbians. but lately I've really been.... dismissive of men. when my friend came over a few weeks ago she wanted to talk about boys and whatever and I was just like... I don't care about dating men????? like if I ever do have a boyfriend, they will literally be my butch... my stud... my transmasc (not trans man: trans masc doesn't always = trans man) lover, just anybody who wants me to call them my boyfriend. but not like. a man?

and every experience I've had with a man has been so underwhelming, or at least leaves me feeling anything but bliss. I'm bored, I'm annoyed, I'm angry, I'm sad, I don't feel good 😭😭😭 I also keep "crushing" on men who are unavailable for me. they're already in a relationship or they only date men. and the crushes aren't even crushes, it's limerence. it's obsession. it's "I can't eat or concentrate when you're not around" it's almost like I keep going for ppl (specifically talking abt ppl in relationships) because I know I can't have them but I need somebody to think about... like yea I know when someone is attractive but when it comes to men I don't even like the idea of dating. I just like thinking about how attractive they are? but I don't want to love you..... I don't want to spend my life with you. i just want to think about how I think you're attractive

when I've kissed women/girls in the past, and only kissed, I can't stop thinking about it. I'm always devastated when we have to stop. but in those moments they were euphoric, my chest is going to burst open and my heart will cry from happiness compared to when I've kissed men and I just want it to be over.

I know I shouldn't focus on my lack of desire for men but lately I feel like my attraction to men feels forced!!!!!!!!! it feels unnatural to me!!! when I think about men I feel like I'm doing something wrong. and I've already gotten the dreaded "you just haven't found the right man yet!!!" line when talking about this and maybe that is so! I don't know.

but lately when I call myself bisexual I feel like I'm lying to myself. but I'm not used to calling myself a lesbian yet because maybe I'm not one? I'm young. I have a long way to go when it comes to self discovery. I just wish I knew already. this feeling of not knowing what I am or who I am makes me feel sick (literally I felt so sick at work today my head hurt, my stomach hurt, my chest hurt and yes I did eat today! so I know it wasn't that!!) idk I'm overwhelmed by this now but I'm sure I'll find peace soon. I'm doing too much for someone who knows gender isn't real and doesn't even have one. whatever it's a Tuesday evening. there are other things to worry about like getting to the weekend 😑😑😑

#mine #um........ just needed to get this out. um if any mutuals read this and want to talk to me abt id love to hear it #i dont want to burden anybody tho so yea

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ravs6709 · 9 months

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hey okay as my one orv mutual idk why but even though i don’t really read it i see a lot of stuff abt it and apparently joonghyuk waited 1864 lifetimes for dokja which is like???? what the fuck???? elaborate????? they’re canon gay???

OH BOY. THEM. slapping this under a cut idk how long I'm gonna make this also going go to try and address this as spoiler-less as possible but also stuff you said is a spoiler ANYWAY

To answer your main question though: no theyre not canon gay

That being said there isn't any romance period and the ship teasing they get is a Thing. Not as much later on but still very a Thing. And as orv continues on those two get closer esp on joonghyuk's end and you can see the absolute faith joonghyuk has in dokja, and the determination to save him is so evident. (personally I think they're both bi and in a polycule with han sooyoung <3)

Addressing that other part: ooooooooooooooo thinking about then always has my brain spinning because what. So spoiler alert joonghyuk isn't actually in his third regression he's in his 1864th regression (won't elaborate more on that). And essentially half the reasons he started his regressions was so that he could meet dokja (and is told that it'd take 1864 regressions to do so)

(The other half being a journey to find out his purpose in life because his life was set for him and he wanted to know answers but fandom usually reduces it to only him being gay for dokja like yeah yeah we all know that but joonghyuk's identity crisis is very important to me)

SO YEAH. Joonghyuk DID in fact wait 1864 lifetimes for dokja which is def gay of him to do so (oh my god trust me reading the novel had me sobbing at them because what the fuck them and the entire epilogue was sooooooo. They're so needlessly dramatic I hate them (affectionate).

#orv #orv spoilers #astra's asks #roshan #genuinely though joongdok is. theyre doing things. not necessarily romantic things but definitely gay things #they love each other. neither will ever admit it

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