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tarjapearce · 10 months

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Strawberry Jam (+18)

Dad friend AU!Miguel x fem!reader

Inspired in THIS ask <3 Thanks anon. Hope you like c:

PT. 2

WARNING: SMUT, Age gap, breeding kink, fang kink, choking, rough sex, brief tension, slight fluff.

"Rise and shine, cupcake!" Curtains were drawn out as sunlight seeped in your dim lit room. You groaned in response, trying to cocoon yourself under the sheets.

"C'mon, sweetie. I gotta meet a client in a coupe of hours, need you awake to receive some packages." Silence. He sighed, "I'll bring you some flan." You yawned and smiled. Of course he would, you were his spoiled girl. He had raised you well despite the rocky relationship with your mother.

Someone that had decided to not be a part of your life for quite a while, leaving your dad a good chunk of the responsibility. At least, she provided enough for your college. An agreement that had settled up a long time ago by a judge.

"Make it napolitan, please" He chuckled and kissed your temple. "Oh, forgot to mention, Miguel is coming over to help you."

"Miguel?"

And of course, it had put a toll on his mental health, during the last couple of years. As a father, your father, he was anything but perfect, but he made sure to be there, to always support you. He had met Miguel in one of those support groups for men, and things sort of snowballed from there. Your dad and Miguel had alot in common, single parents, demanding jobs, and unconditional love for their daughters.

You had the chance to meet him a couple of times during college vacations, at first he was intimidating to you. 6'9", a hard look on his face that seemed to only melt away with his close ones, and a hulking muscular figure.

But now, every time you visited you'd find his blue Aston Martin Vanquish parked outside your house, beer in hand, screaming at the screen as a soccergame was on. He wasn't a stuck up guy (Like your neighbors had described him once), despite having flooding money in his account.

His daughter was in one of the best private schools in town after all, thanks to his job at Alchemax. He even got you a lovely gold necklace for your 21st birthday after ruffling your hair, something that annoyed you, since you weren't a child. He had came into your lives' two years ago.

"Yeah,some of the packages are his. He was out of town to get them, so I offered to receive them." The doorbell rang, announcing his presence. Your dad left and you sat on your bed and checked your phone.

Of course, your friends would be always asking about him, one of them even dared to ask if you had fucked him already once they saw you wearing the golden necklace. You knew he was off limits. Mostly out of respect for your dad, and of course, the weird feeling that he just saw you as his friend's daughter.

You stood up to prepare for the day, as uneventful as it would be. Hot shower with sweet smelling products, to then change into a pair of gray sweatpants, bunny slippers and a tanktop, washed your teeth and brushed your damp hair. Then, you came down the stairs only to find Miguel sitting across your dad on the kitchen island, mug of steaming coffee on hands.

"Morning" you greeted him with a pat on the shoulder as you put a bagel into the toaster and served yourself some orange juice.

"Buenos días" Miguel greeted, his eyes following you as you moved through the kitchen. Your house was homey, cozy and perfect for the suburban life. Miguel wore a black buttoned jersey, dark jeans and dress shoes. A black belt accentuating his waist.

"Gotta go then, You're in charge" Your dad spoke, and patted his sturdy shoulder to then leave. You rolled your eyes.

"Anyways, want breakfast?"

"No, Thank you." His eyes were focused on the newspaper before him, that until you bent over to search for jam in the lower cabinets. His eyes were immediately to your rear. he sipped his coffee and hummed. The thin straps of the tank top slid off your shoulder. He closed his eyes, engraving the image in his mind. You sat across him, breakfast on a plate.

"Whatcha getting?" you munched in the bagel, a bit of jam smearing in the corner of your lips. Instinctively, he licked his own.

"Some playground for Gabriela." you nodded as you relished the flavor of your bagel. Licking off, the strawberry jam off your stained fingers. His eyes wandering to the way your lips trapped your fingers, the gold necklace adorning your little neck. It looked almost inviting.

"Glad to see you liked it. Gold looks good on you." You didn't know how his shirts fit him so well without bursting or tearing. His back had been lately the object of your new hyperfixation. You had seen jacked up guys in college, but Miguel was certainly in a whole different level.

"Thanks. It got me into a bit of trouble back in college actually." you snorted and drank your orange juice.

"How come?"

"Well,my friends think that I've got myself a sugar daddy."

His eyes twinkled in amusement, an idea seemed to be popping in his mind.

"Funny they think that when you still keep smearing jam on your face. Come here" He took your hand and pulled you across the kitchen island, even though he was sitting, he still towered over you. You barely reached his chin. He cupped your face, your sweet breath fanned his lips. He pouted as his face inched closer.

"Pero qué muchachita tan desastrosa." He mumbled, as he wiped the jam off the corner of your lips to then lick it off his finger. Your eyes went wide, cheeks flushed as you swallowed.

"D-Dad would kill you if he'd see you like this"

"Good thing he isn't around, hm?"

"You're the same age" your voice almost a whisper as he kept cupping your face with a single hand as the other one pulled you closer to him, "You could even be my father!"

Your heart thumped hard against your chest, his warm, coffee-like smelling breath brushed over your lips.

"But I'm not." his hands roamed your shoulders, the straps of your tanktop peeled away under his touch, the fabric slid lower and lower as it hovered over the curvature of your breast.

The doorbell rang. You both froze.

"Puta madre…" he seethed and stood, towering even more over you, "I'll get it. Stay put."

"But-"

"Stay.Put." His finger pointing at you as he disappeared back to the livingroom.

Your mind was still trying to process what just happened. You could hear Miguel exchange peasantries with the delivery man as he received an array of boxes. Your straps were slid back on their original position, and your phone buzzed. "Dad <3" on screen. You picked up.

"Hey"

"Hello, how's everything going?"

"Dad it's just been twenty minutes. But at least the packages just came."

"Careful with a small box, it has some fragile things."

The main door was closed.

"Oh? ok. Uh… You coming home soon?"

"Why, is there a problem?"

Big hands covered your shoulders to pull the upper part of the tanktop down, breast spilled from their confinement. Miguel's hands cupped them and gave gentle squeezes as his mouth kissed your neck.

"N-No, no no. Just asking so I can make-" You bit your lip, drowning a gasp as he toyed with your nipples, "E-Enough lunch for both"

Your hand covered your mouth as his teeth grazed your skin. Somthing you found interesting about Miguel was the fact he seemed to have larger canines than the average people. Whenever he was angry, you could see a glimpse of his pointy teeth underneath his plump lips.

He gave soft love bites, licking the skin. Your skin shivered.

"Ah, don't you worry about it, I might get there until night it seems. Anyways, see ya later, love you cupcake."

Miguel stopped for a moment.

"Love you too." You hung up the call, Miguel removed the phone from your hands and twirled you around to kiss you deeply. His hands fisting your hair to hold you in place as his tongue invaded your mouth with such expertise it made your legs feel like jelly. You gasped as she pressed you closer to his body, warmth spreading all over yours.

Miguel nipped at your bottom lip, and placed you ontop of the kitchen island with ease, bunny slippers falling off your feet as they dangled. He unbuttoned his shirt and removed the piece of cloth on the dining table.

"W-Wait! Shouldn't we better go-"

"Shh." His fingers hooked on the hem of your sweatpants and pulled down along your panties. Smooth skin revealed to his eyes. He pulled your hips closer and dragged a finger down your folds to then ease it inside you slowly. He hissed at the moist and warm feeling, he retrieved the finger back and licked it clean, groaning.

"Riquísimo, preciosa" His hands maneuvered your legs like a toy, he spreaded them to then push them back to expose even more flesh. Your mouth fell open as he dribbled the tip of his tongue around the knub of nerves and then drag it down and up your entrance.

Yelping, you held tight on the sturdiness of the island. His mouth disappeared between your slick folds, your breath caught in your throat as he sucked eagerly at your clit while his tongue flickered.

Your sweet coos and moanings only urged him to hold on you tightly, he moved his head to the sides increasing the intensity of his eating. Your hips grind against his tongue, seeking for relief, but he stopped you, a choked whine from your throat.

"Look at you" He put your hips back on the cold tiles, to then unbuckling his belt. "What would your dad think if he saw you like this?" He pulled you off the island, to then bend you over it. One of his feet, kicked away the clothes.

"All spread for me, eager to be filled up" He slapped your pusy softly as he pulled his underwear and pants down, also kicking them away, "Wanna make him a grandpa?" Your eyes went wide, panic surged through your mind but he pushed your torso flat against the cold surface. His legs separating your own.

His fingers prodded inside once more before coating his cock and as gently as he could, eased his way inside you. The stretching of his cock had you biting your lip and gripping softly at his wrist.

"Ohmy god" you half whimpered, slurred as he filled you completely.

"Estás tan apretada, mami" He kneaded your trembling hips. One hand held you in place as the other one twisted in your lowered tanktop. His hips rolled slowly. He wanted to make sure you were comfortable enough before his hips smacked yours with enough force to make you lurch forward, air knocked out of your lungs. You were on your tip toes. His hand slapped your ass as it bounced back and forth on his cock.

"Such a good girl" he grunted and sunk his nails on your hips, "Te voy a coger tan bien que cada vez que entres a este lugar, te acuerdes de mi." His hand freed the tanktop to take a fistful of your hair and pulled back. He had gone to ruffle your hair, to pull it.

Your arching gave him the perfect spot to ram into. So ever tight and hot. You hissed as an array of lewd cursing flew out your mouth. His balls slapped your flesh mercilessly.

"Con esa boca le dices a tu papá que lo amas?" he clicked his tongue in feigned disapproval. He let your hip go, hands immediately hooking underneath your right thigh and hoisted it up, spreading you like a book, pounding deeper and rougher into you.

Your pants and desperate moanings drowned his growling. Your body felt on fire, a thin layer of sweat covered your body, his torso glistened in sweat. His front bangs had fell onto his face by the constant movement.

You held onto his forearm, contorting your torso up, to see his lust blown face. His hands made sure to hold you tightly, preventing from falling. Big eyes stared at him, too lost in sinful thoughts as he pressed closer, deeper into you.

"Fuck me" You choked a sob as your orgasm approached. Your voice too coarse from the constant mewling.

"Just like this, mami?" he breathed before hoisting your leg a bit wider, you whimpered, nodded and clawed at his arms. You begged him to not stop, your orgasm was around the corner as he rawed you silly.

Your inner thighs and outher flesh were flushed by the constant rough slapping of his hips, the hand that held your leg, snaked its way towards your neck, squeezing tighly, your leg dangled and swayed at the rythm of his thrust.

"Come for daddy, preciosa" he groaned as his thrustings turned erratic and sloppier, slickness rolling down your sopping pussy and inner thighs.

"Fuck fuck fuckfu-" He let your leg go and held you tightly against him. your feet barely touching the floor, your torso once more flat against the cool tiles of the island as he painted your walls white with a guttural growl. It earned him a shaky and loud mewl.

"Te ves tan bella así, toda llena de mí." He picked you up and kissed you on the lips, "You alright?"

You nodded and panted, legs trembling.

"We gotta… clean up" he nodded with a smirk.

---------------

"Hey cupcake?"

"Hm?" You were sat on the solo couch, browsing through your phone as Miguel sat in the couch nearby. Your dad had arrived an hour after you were done cleaning yourselves. Something that had nearly turned into round two if it wasn't for the fact that your dad had called in to announce he was on his way back.

"Did you cook something?"

"Eh no, why?"

"Kitchen smells funky." Your eyes widened, as Miguel went stiff. You had been too engrossed in eachother that barely had the time to clean after your mess. Your dad went back to the kitchen to get himself a beer. It had been an uneventful evening for him, he was gone two hours but it was good enough for him to get a new sponsor to his remodeling contractors firm.

You shared a nervous glance with Miguel. Your dad groaned annoyed.

"(Name)"

Uh Oh. He only used your name when he was pissed.

"Yes, dad?"

"Look, your… sex life is none of my concern, really. But from all the places you could… do such thing, was the kitchen necessary? And you, I told you to keep an eye on her." He scowled at Miguel. You hung your head in embarrasment as Miguel chuckled with his hands up defensively.

"Who was it?"

"W-What?"

"Whose the guy, so I can talk to him, to not pull this… stunt again. You're better than that, (Name)"

"Hey, relax. Go easy on her." Miguel spoke

"Shut up, O'Hara."

"C'mon, you probably acted worse when you were her age. Remember when you told me about the time you-"

"Miguel, stop." Your face went as red as a tomato and your dad sighed. He looked between you and Miguel, and you could swear the five stages of grief going through his face at the sudden realization.

"You fucked my daughter…"

"Dad, stop!"

"Dad, nothing! Go to your room, now."

"You can't ground me, I'm old enough to-"

"To what? Be a step mom? Fuck older guys that could be your father? You don't know what you are getting into, young lady."

"You out of everyone know that I'll never do something that would put her in danger."

"Miguel, I don't know how your brain works right now, but You.Fucked.My.Daughter. My Daughter! The last thing I want is her being a mother before she finishes college."

"She won't be. That's a promise."

"Damn right it is, cause you won't be seeing her anymore."

"W-What? Dad!"

"I thought you were in your room, like I fucking told you."

"Don't talk to her like that." Miguel frowned

"My daughter, my house, my rules. You need to leave."

"You're angry, I get it. It was wrong of me to cross you like that, but she is old enough to know what she wants. I would never force her to do something she doesn't wants to do." Miguel spoke with his hands still in defense.

"For how long have you… been doing this?"

"It was the first time, actually" you spoke meekly from the doorframe.

"Like, you're always complaining about the few guys I introduce you to-"

"This is different!" you had never seen him so serious and angry.

Silence stretching too long, your dad sighed, annoyed.

"I fucking… I fucking swear, O'Hara. If you get her pregnant, I'll fucking kill you."

"Relax, I'm not making you a grandpa." Your dad's shoulder slumped, defeated.

"Yet." They went tense again.

"Oh my god." Your need to be swallowed by the earth underneath and to spit you away from them only increased as their conversation kept unfolding.

"So, now the surprise has been popped, that means I have your permission to properly date her?" Your dad rubbed his face tiredly.

"I wanna make things right." Miguel glanced at you.

"I've known you for a couple of years, and you've met her ever since she was eighteen. You're not a bad man, but trust me when I say that if this girl, my girl, comes here with tears in her face because you did something stupid to her, we're done. Understood?"

"Por supuesto" he went to your side and pulled you closer.

"And clean up this fucking mess."

He left to his room and left you alone. Of course you'd talk to him later, when everything was a bit more calm. Miguel on the other hand kissed your temple and sighed in relief.

"So…"

"Sunday night, at 6 for dinner?"

"Sure."

"Don't worry, he'll be fine. Just give him time to get used to it."

"What if he never gets used to it?"

he kissed your hand

"You'll come with me"

------------------------

Buenos días- Good Morning

Pero qué muchachita tan desastrosa- What a messy girl

Puta madre- Fucking shit

Riquísimo, preciosa- So delicious, gorgeous

Estás tan apretada,mami - You're so tight, mami

Te voy a coger tan bien que cada vez que entres a este lugar, te acuerdes de mi- I'll fuck you so good that every time you enter this place, you'll remember me

Con esa boca le dices a tu papá que lo amas?- With that mouth you tell daddy you love him?

Te ves tan bella así, toda llena de mí - You look so beautiful like that, all full of me.

Por supuesto- Of course.

#miguel o'hara #spiderman 2099 x reader #miguel o'hara x you #miguel o'hara x reader #atsv miguel #miguel o'hara smut #female reader #atsv x reader #atsv fanfiction #atsv smut #spider man 2099 smut

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toppersjeep · 2 months

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Landos Girl ~ Lando Norris X Reader

Masterlist

A/N: I got this idea while watching ginge’s and landos new video. so basically you show up to landos when he’s filming with ginge and you join in on the fun. you’ve been dating Lando for a while now. you work with him at McLaren as a pr manger. that’s how you two met!

(a little fluff, mentions of smut but no actual)

Your POV

I opened the door to Lando’s apartment with my key. I set my bag down and took my shoes off. Knowing I’d be staying for a while.

“Lan” I said. “In the kitchen” Lando said. “Oh hello are you filming” I said. “Yeah a quadrant video I meant to text you” Lando said. “All good I had a major McLaren meeting so” I said. “No way is that the Y/N in the flesh” Ginge said. “Ginge” I said.

“Guys I’m shaking Lando’s girl in person” Ginge said I laughed. “It’s nice to officially meet you” I said shaking his hand. “Don’t worry I won’t try to take your man yet” Ginge said. “Oh you won’t even get a try” I said. “Oh shit she is a bit scary huh” Ginge said.

“So.. I’ll let you guys film then because I am not eating whatever he eats for breakfast” I said. “What she doesn’t have to eat it” Ginge said. “She should” lando said. “No thanks I had a bagel earlier” I said going to sit on the couch.

“Damn and you couldn’t bring us any the hell” Ginge said. “Ooops” I said. “She doesn’t share her food you know” Lando said. “Well that’s rude” Ginge said.

A little while later…

I got up off the couch. I then saw Lando and Ginge working out. I stood in the doorway.

“Have her try the head pull thingy” Ethan said.“I think she does that with Lando off camera” Ginge said. “Oh my god” I said laughing. “Jeez mate” Lando said. “What we know you do” Ginge said.

“What’s next” I said. “Uhh landos turn” Ethan said. “I wanna see you guys pull him I’m intrigued” I said sitting on the floor. “As long as you do it too” Lando said. “Fine” I said. Ginge went first and pulled Lando. “My god he’s not even flinching” Ginge said.

“It feels quite nice” Lando said I laughed. “Really your weird mate” Ginge said. Ethan then did it. “Come on slow and hard” Ginge said. I laughed. “Oh be quiet over there with your dirty mind” Ethan said. “I didn’t say anything yet” I said.

“Keyword is yet” Lando said. Ethan the pulled the bands back. “What the heck so you even feel that” Ethan said. “It just feels nice” Lando said. “Alright your turn” Ethan said I got up. “Come on baby” Lando said. “I have like no muscles” I said. “You got it love” Lando said. I pulled it a little bit.

“No muscles my ass” Ginge said. “That’s good” Lando said. “Okay” I said stopping. “He’s flexing his jaw muscles now” Ethan said. “That’s so hot” Ginge said we all laughed.

We then went to eat some lunch.

“This is like rabbit food” Ginge said. “I just want some pizza” I said. “Don’t start pizza sounds good” Lando said. After we finished eating we went to show Ginge and Ethan around Monaco.

“I’m getting shotgun by the way” I said. “Ughhh fine” Ginge said getting in the backseat with Ethan. “So how long have you two been dating” Ethan asked. As Lando drove.

“Uhhh like a year almost two” I said. “Met her at McLaren well I kinda knew of her before” Lando said. “Oh really” Ginge said. “I worked at Willam’s with George but I wasn’t very social” I said. “Really you not social” Ethan said.

“Ughhh I guess I was just anxious about making friends” I said. “But then I did make friends and got a new job” I said. “I guess I brought out her fun side as she says” Lando said. “That’s nice” Ethan said. “Well you two do seem perfect but I’m still jealous” Ginge said.

“He’s mine Ginge” I said. “You win you win” Ginge said jokingly. “Hope everyone is hungry” Lando said. We all ate dinner and shared stories. I sat beside Lando. “Desert was so good” Ginge said. “You two go out every night or no” Ethan asked.

“Not too often it’s quite expensive” I said. Lando then licked the plate clean. “Oh my god” Ginge said. “Damn I really wish I was that plate right now” I said. Everyone laughed. “Oh my and she says she’s shy” Ethan said. Lando just looked at me all red.

“What” I said looking at Lando. “You got him all flustered” Ginge said. “You can be the plate later” Lando said. “Oh lord” Ethan said. “Get these two love birds a room” Ginge said. “Oh I’ll get one later on” Lando said. “Lord” I said.

“You two are perfect honestly with those out of pocket things” Ginge said. “Oh I know” Lando said. After we dropped them off we went back to our apartment. I kicked my shoes off and attempted to lay on the couch.

But Lando grabbed my arm.

“You wanted to be the plate so badly” Lando said. “I still do” I said. “So come on then” Lando said leading me to our room.

____

#f1 imagine #x reader #love #lando norris #lando x reader #lando norris x reader #f1blr #f1 x you #f1 x reader #mercedes amg f1 #f1 fic #f1 #lando norris smut

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yougavemeyourheartyouknow · 3 months

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Thinking about Baby daddy!Miguel O’Hara who had the largest smirk on his face when he watched your new boy toy and you leave the pool party, already knowing the awkward tension between you both will only escalate once you're both alone.

Baby daddy!Miguel who purposely goes out of his way to start dropping you a bagel and coffee at your place of work when it’s your weeks with gabi, saying it was on the way to work and how he remembered how you once made an offhand comment about how you never have time for breakfast before dropping off your daughter at school or at summer soccer camp before going to work.

Baby daddy!Miguel started to call you your nickname he had given you during college. First time dropping it casually during a swap, trying to garner your reaction, which was nothing more than a small laugh and a curious head tilt.

Baby daddy!Miguel who (after a few beers with Peter) finally realizes why he’s been oddly territorial over you as of recently. Before a new guy entered the picture, it was as if you two never stopped being together, sure there weren’t any kissing or hand holding, but when it was just you three, it felt like being a part of the family you were a part of pre-splitting up. You and Miguel weren’t like his parents, there was no toxicity or bad blood between you both, just two people who grew apart.

And now, he was drunk, crying on Peter’s shoulder while his friend rubbed his back to soothe him, coming to the realization that he’ll always love you. Because you’ve never given him a reason not to.

Baby daddy!Miguel who is now on your doorstep after dropping your daughter off at soccer camp. A bouquet of flowers hiding behind his back, wearing a white button up, with the sleeves rolled up and a pair of black slacks and dress shoes. Taking a shaky breath before knocking, feeling dejau hit him, catching himself in the same position 12 years ago when he first came to your dorm to ask you out.

Baby daddy!Miguel whose whole world came crashing down when the same guy from the carne asada opened the door instead of you, shirtless. With messy hair and sweatpants that we’re hanging low enough for Miguel to realize what had just transpired in your place moments ago.

Baby daddy!Miguel, whose heart shattered when you reintroduced him as your boyfriend.

—

Shaky hands, a thin layer of sweat, dry mouth, if Miguel didn’t know better, he would have thought he was sick. His left hand held the boutique behind him while the other fidgeted with the small excess flap of his belt, only to place the hand in his pocket when he heard the sound of muffled steps approaching the door. Clearing his throat as the door let out a faint click sound before opening.

Miguel had to drip hard on the thorny stems so he didn’t drop them out of shock. He tried his best to keep a calm expression on his face. But it seems his poker face wasn’t good enough, because the smirk your boy toy had on his face as he leaned against the door said it all. Despite being shorter than Miguel, he was acting as if he was on top of the world. Miguel blinked out of his trance when he heard your voice say a faint “who is it?” from the next room before you appeared next to him. If the sight of the man next to you wasn’t enough for Miguel, yours certainly sent him on a downwards spiral.

You were in shorts and his shirt.

“Oh Miguel! Hey, you remember Henry, my boyfriend.”

Boyfriend?

“Yeah.” He mumbled with a head nod, to which Henry returned as he crossed his arms.

Fuck.

“Um-sorry, Gabriella said she forgot her good pair of soccer shoes.” Miguel managed to say after clearing his throat, not wanting to make a fool of himself anymore then he probably already had.

To be fair, she did forget them.

—

Part 3<

Part 5<

Not proofread.

Word count: 600

Taglist: @ginnysculture @mishaglass @wusyanamee @mangoslushcrush @queerponcho @bunnibitez @miguelzslvtz @migueloharastruelove @dahehow @sinners-98-world @othersideoftheparadise @toyfortoji @yeshajane @yvesbi @strawberryjuice9 @hanjisgf @deljojeisbackagain @safixiovi @emmalandry @maxinemus3 @lauraolar14 @aaaaslaaaan

#miguel o'hara x reader #miguel o hara fanfic #miguel o'hara #miguel o’hara au #spiderman 2099 x reader #astv miguel #astv spiderman 2099 #miguel spiderverse #miguel ohara spiderman #miguel fanfic #Miguel ohara #miguel ohara blurb #miguel o’hara blurbs #miguel ohara drabble #spiderman 2099 fanfic #bd!miguel #baby daddy!miguel

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anyroads · 2 years

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OK you know what, if we're gonna talk about Bake Off then fuck it, let's do this.

It used to be this wholesome, lovely show! We used to watch it for the bakers! And the learning! And the light banter and occasional bit of coy innuendo! What happened?

Channel 4 happened. When they bought the show they made a number of changes, most of them Not Good™️. Not just in the sense of them resulting in a lot of 😬 and 🫠 moments, but in the sense of how they changed the show's purpose, atmosphere, and brand.

Look, I know most people are just like, "whatever, it's just a baking show," and yeah, sure. But it's one of the UK's most successful TV exports, and where it once shifted the tone of reality competition to being wholesome and supportive of contestants, it's since moved towards creating tension at the contestants' cost. So aside from the fact that most people watching it signed up to watch a nice show, it has also shifted the goalposts of what that even means. And that, lovelies and gentlefolk, is some bullshit.

I decided to break my rant analysis into four main parts: theme weeks, the hosts, the judges, and the bakers. Let's get to it!

Theme Weeks:

If you watch Bake Off, you know the show's always had a specific theme for each week. The staples that come up in most seasons are:

cake

biscuit

bread

pudding/dessert

pastry

patisserie

Less common but consistent are things like caramel and chocolate week.

Then there are the fun episodes! When GBBO was on the BBC, this started out with things tea week, tarts, pies, tray bakes, basically little tangents still focused on emphasizing specific baking skills. In Series 6 (still on the BBC) they had their first nation-focused theme week with French week -- fairly innocuous given that a lot of patisserie is French, France and England share much more culture than either cares to admit [Norman Flag dot gif], and it was a nice change from watching Paul make the bakers do recipes that involved boiling things while talking about how wonderful boiled doughs are (are they, Paul? Are they?).

The show kept mixing it up with innocuous themes like advanced dough and alternative ingredients weeks, European cakes, Victorian week, batter week, and botanical week. And while it was frustrating to watch Paul Hollywood mispronounce things like the Hungarian Dobos Torta and lecture bakers on babka when he clearly knew nothing about it (or about Jewish baking in general, go off Past Me), the show's general attitude was that the judges had their own opinions, which were separate from the immutable facts around the chemistry of baking (more on this later) and shouldn't affect how bakers are judged.

After the show moved to Channel 4, the number of themed weeks increased and more of them focused on specific countries. In 6 seasons on the BBC, there were only two country-focused theme weeks, and in 5 seasons on Channel 4 there have been five. And while they've also had themes like vegan baking, roaring 20s, the 1980s, spice week, etc. the show has really started to go hard on exoticizing other cultures in outright disrespectful and racist ways. There's been Italian and Danish week, German, Japanese (it wasn't, it was East Asian week), and now Mexican week (which doesn't touch on interspersed Jewish bakes that didn't get a theme week, like versions of bagels and babka set as technical challenges that were borderline hate crimes and mansplained by a guy who has no idea how to make either and once wrote in a cookbook that challah was traditionally eaten during Passover). Each time the hosts played up the theme with racist bits and jokes that can be used as evidence in court if your case is "why should shows with scripted content have a professional writing staff."

Which touches on other issues the show has now...

The Hosts:

When GBBO was on the BBC, the show was hosted by ✨Mel Giedroyc✨ and ✨Sue Perkins✨. They encouraged the bakers! They'd hold stuff for them sometimes! They were interested in them! If a baker had a breakdown, they would start singing copyrighted material to render the footage unusable! When the show moved to Channel 4, they left, though I'm not unconvinced that Channel 4 offered them impossible to accept contracts to force them out so they could rebrand the show. They replaced them with Sandy Toksvig and Noel Fielding. Sandy was a lovely host in the vein of Mel and Sue, and she and Noel had a relatively sweet rapport, but she left a few seasons ago and was replaced by Matt Lucas.

Noel Fielding is mostly known for his quirky brand of comedy, a sort of British Zooey Deschanel who's goth from the neck up, an upperclass British gay divorcee from the neck down, and basically an early 60s Beatle re: trousers. Matt Lucas has almost definitely never watched a single episode of GBBO and his most redeeming quality is his thinly veiled contempt for Paul Hollywood.

The two treat the baking tent as their personal playground. Far from the supportive attitude of Mel and Sue, they tend to get in the bakers' way during the most stressful moments, especially when they try to do hilarious "comedy" bits (I can't not put that in quotes) like Noel's talking wooden spoon thing, or Matt talking over Noel to do time calls. During theme weeks like Japanese and Mexican week, they do culture-specific bits that are both racist ("just Juan joke" and "is Mexico a real place?") and unsurprising, given that both Matt and Noel did blackface on their respective sketch shows and absolutely could and should have known better because it was already the current fucking century.

All this to say, there's now a separation between the bakers and the hosts, as if they're on different shows. The hosts are doing their own thing and the bakers are doing GBBO. The show has gotten meaner to the bakers, and the hosts aren't there to support them anymore, they're just there to be comic relief. Because when you refocus your show on stressing the bakers the fuck out, you need a forced laugh I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

The Judges:

First of all, a sincere congratulations to Paul Hollywood who managed to squeeze I jUsT cAmE bAcK fRoM mExIcO aNd YeT sTiLL pRoNoUnCe PiCo De GaLLo As 'PiKa De KaLLa' and I aM aN eXpErT oN s'MoReS wHiCh aRe MaDe WiTh DiGeStiVe BiScUiTs AcCoRdiNg tO mE, aN eXpErT oN s'MoReS, just two in a giant pile of astoundingly wrong hot takes, into a short enough time span that they all aired within Liz Truss's term as Prime Minister. A true man of accomplishments.

In the interest of fairness, I need to preface this with a disclaimer that, due to the fact that I've been watching Bake Off for most of its run, I'm biased. Specifically, I can't stand Paul Hollywood's smarmy, classist, egomaniac ass because he's proven time and again he's more interested in looking smart than actually knowing what he's talking about. Since the show moved to Channel 4, they've changed the occasional handshake Paul would give bakers to the HoLlYwOoD hAnDsHaKe™️. It's gone from being an emphasis of someone's skill to a goal, a reward, and one that emphasizes the judges' place above the bakers.

The judges used to function as teachers, imparting their skills and insights to the bakers. When the show was on the BBC, the voiceover leading to a judging would focus on the bakers' work being finished, saying how it will now be evaluated based on their skill and how well they met the brief. The voiceovers now, on Channel 4, focus on the judging (literally saying something along the lines of, "the bakers will now be judged by Prue and Paul"). There is a clear distinction Channel 4's producers have made, to mark that the show is now about whether or not the judges approve, not whether the brief was understood and executed well. On the BBC, it was irrelevant whether the judges liked a particular flavor, as long as the bake was well-made. Now, the bakers are expected to know the judges tastes and cater to them, which is frankly bullshit. A judge doesn't have to like a flavor to know whether or not it was executed well, ie. is it carrying a bake and was it meant to etc.

The judges have been turned into a brand. Cynically, Channel 4 knows that by building them up and focusing the show more on them, they can exploit their image more for profit. In the process, they've become much more biased and their own biases have come out as well. Most recently in the flaming dumpster fire that was Mexican Week, Paul Hollywood tried to intimidate a baker by telling them he had just gotten back from Mexico (which must have been a fruitful learning trip if he couldn't even learn how to pronounce pico de gallo correctly). Where do I even start with this? Here's an amateur baker from England (the show specifically casts middle and lower middle class bakers for the most part??) who likely can't afford trips to Mexico, who lives in a country with incredibly limited access to Mexican cuisine, who is expected not only to understand the cooking and baking traditions of a completely different culture but to do so well enough to play with it and do something creative with it. On top of which, one of the judges is now using his privilege of traveling halfway around the world as some kind of leverage, as if this were a bar that any amateur British baker could clear.

Prue, meanwhile, has openly asserted her biases against cultural flavors and textures, prioritizing her own personal preferences over them, as if they were in any way relevant to the skills and knowledge necessary to execute the tasks she sets to the bakers. She has also been consistently elitist, criticizing bakers for choices they made that were clearly informed by their experiences within income brackets that are too low and foreign for Prue to comprehend. She once had a go at a baker on a Christmas special because his Christmas dinner themed bake didn't have a turkey, even though it was clear from the stories he shared of his own Christmases that his family likely couldn't afford one. "It's not really Christmas dinner without a turkey," Prue said into the camera angrily while sitting on a chair made of live orphans and telling the ghost of Christmas Future to come back when he had another museum gift shop necklace for her to round out her collection.

The show is no longer about which baker has the best skills. It's become about which mortal can appease the gods of Mount Olympus, ie. the judges.

The Bakers:

Remember when the show was about them? Channel 4 doesn't! Because this is a reality competition show, the bakers are chosen both based on their skills, as well as cast-ability. They're cast as characters, distinct from each other, from different areas, age groups, ethnicities. All of them are amateurs. All of them are middle or lower middle class. They've ranged from college students to supermarket cashiers to prison wardens to scientists.

Something I noticed when the show moved to Channel 4 is that the baker who goes home in the first week is always wildly behind the rest in skills. I have no proof of this other than my eyeballs and deductive reasoning skills, but I think that Channel 4 deliberately casts a ringer each season who they think will be an easy send-off in the first week, just to get the audience's feet wet.

Anyway, like I said, this show used to be about the bakers - about them building skills and learning, and having walked into the tent with a self-taught foundation and understanding of the processes and chemical reactions involved in baking. When the show was on the BBC, the end of each round had some (often brief) moments of tension - will they finish in time? Will they get their bakes on the plate before time is up? Did they forget to add sugar to their batter and only remember at the last minute? In the end, they usually managed to finish and we'd all breathe a sigh of relief and think, yeah! You go, Bakers Who I'm Rooting For!

Now, on Channel 4, the end of round drama has been stretched to be so much longer that they've composed extra music for it. The bakers often seem out of their depth, whether because the instructions for the technical challenge are too vague (bake a lemon meringue pie??? As if anyone in the UK under the age of 60 has had one in the last decade???), or because they were expected to bake something that required a more than a basic foundation they weren't told of. Often it seems like they just aren't given enough time, a tactic used by reality competition shows to manipulate contestants into giving the cameras more dramatic content. On top of all this, the hosts get in their way, instead of helping them plate their bakes. As has been pointed out before, when everyone fails the challenge, the real failure lies with whoever set it.

In conclusion:

The show no longer exists to teach the bakers - and the audience - skills or knowledge. It now manipulates contestants for dramatic effect and prioritizes showing conflict over wholesome content. Channel 4 sees the bakers as social media content they can churn out season after season, and don't care about them because in a few months there'll be a new batch to exploit. Meanwhile, the judges are also out of their depth, co-opting recipes from other cultures and butchering them horrendously, while the camera gives them nothing but status as they hold bakers to the expectation that they learn how to make things very much the wrong way. If you saw any of the tweets about Mexican or Japanese week, or read my post on how Paul Hollywood isn't allowed to go near babka ever again, you'll understand.

So what would fix all this? Scrap the current judges and the hosts altogether. Bring back Mel and Sue, and replace the judges with expert bakers who have a love of their craft and want to share it with others. The draw of GBBO used to be its warmth and comfort - if Channel 4 isn't going to start its own version of Master Chef For Bakers, then it needs to stop trying to find a balance of how it can insert that vibe into GBBO. It can't. That's not a thing. Stop trying.

#GBBO #paul hollywood #prue leith #the great british bake off

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oculusxcaro · 10 months

Note

I always look forward to when you write... Well, anything! :) You're always so thoughtful and thorough. I have a lot more to admire about you but very little time to express it, so I'll just say thanks for writing with me and I genuinely enjoy your character. ❤️

Please tell me your favorite things about my portrayal/muse?

Thank you so much, halekulan-i! You might only have had a little time but this meant so much to me, how thoughtful your message was and that you took the time out of your day to send it. Thank you for writing with me and sharing your wonderful Harvey (and Two-Face) with us all; not just that, but also for jumping on the two bagels thing which started off how our two (or three?) started interacting??? I'm so glad you enjoy Khare and I hope she continues to bring you joy!

#halekulan-i #memes ;; what's your favourite thing about my muse?#Thank you again for sending this!#Your interactions with Khare have brought me so much happiness and Harvey gosh #He is wonderful like yes he's done terrible things but he's done some incredible things too and the whole two bagels thing was so funny #I'm glad you enjoyed it too #Harvey though he is a GEM #He brought to Khare's attention just how fucked up her housing situation was #She was in a very bad place like she didn't even know it was so bad she was just glad to have a roof over her head #And Harvey was just one of a few guys who actually have a damn and looked into doing something about it #Something which not many people would have done because why worry about a sketchy landlord when there's killer clowns on the loose?#Harvey cared and Khare was fucking devastated when she learned about the acid attack #Sending him those cheapass flowers bc it was all she could afford #ANYWAYS UM #Really appreciate you sending this and for being so very thoughtful thank you #I hope you continue enjoying this girl because I am sure as hell am enjoying your Harvey + Two-Face!#My heart for this tragically broken man #And his wife aka ex-wife Gilda she is a queen #We can't forget her

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astonmartinii · 5 months

Text

a very mamma mia christmas [mamma mia part six] | formula one social media au

drivers: sebastian vettel, fernando alonso and jenson button

flo's first christmas looms, her parents and the grid react accordingly

mamma mia / no more ace to play / honey, honey / the age of no regret / a wonderful thing

MASTERLIST | BUY ME A KO-FI?

yourusername

liked by fernandoalo_oficial, sebastianvettel and 1,667,301 others

yourusername: if you couldn't tell, christmas is our favourite holiday

view all comments

user1: i forgot to consider the thought of a mamma mia christmas

user2: i am NOT ready

jensonbutton: are we just photographers to you?

yourusername: i tried to take photos of you guys but you just insisted on throwing each other into the snow every two seconds

jensonbutton: but i won?

sebastianvettel: i reject this

fernandoalo_oficial: AS IF YOU WON

user3: i think this is the proof that fernando will never retire

jensonbutton: @yourusername tell them i won

yourusername: well i can tell you who lost ... ME BECAUSE YOU GUYS WRESTLED IN THE SNOW AND COMPLAINED ABOUT BEING COLD THE WHOLE WAY HOME

sebastianvettel: ... at least flo found it funny

yourusername: she's a baby, she finds everything funny

fernandoalo_oficial: especially me though

yourusername: ENOUGH you're all getting coal for christmas

jensonbutton: WHAT

fernandoalo_oficial: WHAT

sebastianvettel: WHAT

user4: y/n actually has the patience of a saint i'd leave them in the snow

yourusername: can't drive 💔

user5: dads are all world champion drivers and mum hasn't even passed her test. this is what balance is

alexalbon: tHAT'S THE BUNNY I GOT FLO

yourusername: yes, she loves it very much (she even named it al)

lilymunhe: he's crying 👍

alexalbon: it's christmas and i'm trying not to succumb to baby fever :(

jensonbutton

liked by yourusername, sebastianvettel and 1,002,566 others

tagged: fernandoalo_oficial, sebastianvettel & yourusername

jensonbutton: drawing straws to see who gets to be santa for flo's first christmas (and who has to be elves)

view all comments

user9: is everything a tussle with these people

yourusername: yes. this one is particularly amusing though

sebastianvettel: YOU RIGGED THE DRAW

jensonbutton: how could i rig it? I DIDN'T EVEN WIN

sebastianvettel: i'm not going as an elf ABSOLUTELY NOT

fernandoalo_oficial: you snooze you lose buddy

yourusername: not to stir the pot, but this was you guys' idea, so you can't chicken out now

sebastianvettel: no elf. i am going to be a reindeer instead

jensonbutton: if he's not being an elf then i'm not being an elf i'm going to be an angel 👍

yourusername: we already ordered the elf costumes ???

fernandoalo_oficial: make the grid kids dress up

yourusername: @charles_leclerc and @maxverstappen1 do i have news for you

charles_leclerc: if anyone should be an angel it should be ME

maxverstappen1: i should be the christmas star (since i am the star of this family)

charles_leclerc: if any of us have star power it's ME

yourusername: you won't even be elves for flo?

charles_leclerc: YES I WILL

maxverstappen1: DON'T BE STUPID

user10: yeah, yeah they're all dressing up BUT the real question is, do they now have cats as well?

fernandoalo_oficial: YES!! 😃 😃😃😃😃

user11: NEW MAMMA MIA LORE

jensonbutton: we were in the village centre when they were having an adoption fair... fernando insisted that cream cheese and salmon come home with us

user12: i feel like jenson did not get to choose the names ...

yourusername: nando insisted, said bagels are the foundation of our relationship

fernandoalo_oficial

liked by jensonbutton, sebastianvettel and 1,342,882 others

tagged: yourusername, jensonbutton & sebastianvettel

fernandoalo_oficial: i won !!! (both being santa and the gingerbread house decorating contest)

view all comments

user13: mamma mia household argument incoming....

yourusername: okay... WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WON THE CONTEST I CLEARLY WON I WILL NOT LET YOU CONTROL THIS NARRATIVE

user14: oh this is about to get real if y/n is getting involved in the arguments

sebastianvettel: nando, your house had the structural integrity of a flake

fernandoalo_oficial: IT DOES NOT

jensonbutton: i mean when we let flo destroy them all like a mini godzilla, yours did crumble first

fernandoalo_oficial: FAKE NEWS

yourusername: godzilla flo squished that bitch like a pancake

sebastianvettel: you can't win everything old man

yourusername: HALT WE SHALL NOT START THIS ARGUMENT AGAIN

user15: boooooooo let them fight y/n

user16: the way y/n and flo probably just sit back and relax while these idiots argue with each other

georgerussell63: gingerbread flo is so adorable !!

yourusername: thank you georgie (these guys think they're professional photographers now)

danielricciardo: woah @landonorris sub par f1 driver photography is our thing

landonorris: honestly old men, get your own hobby

fernandoalo_oficial: SUB PAR?

yourusername: he's pacing @landonorris @danielricciardo TAKE IT BACK

landonorris: no. i don't think i will

sebastianvettel: he's literally wearing a hole in my carpet from pacing MY CARPET

danielricciardo: tell him to stop being so dramatic flo looks rad af

jensonbutton: did you just call our baby rad?

fernandoalo_oficial: i'll take it, she is rad :)

user17: this is so close to my heart. if they ever stop publicising their lil spats i will die

user18: i wake up in a cold sweat thinking about how we won't hear about nando leaving cutlery in the sink, jenson letting beckett in the bed and seb forcing them all to garden

yourusername

liked by charles_leclerc, sebastianvettel and 1,723,094 others

tagged: jensonbutton, fernandoalo_oficial & sebastianvettel

yourusername: seb cried when we chopped down the tree :(

view all comments

user21: someone get that man back in a car he's losing his damn mind

jensonbutton: he cried because i was just too sexy to handle when i chopped down a tree with an axe and my bare hands

yourusername: he's NOT wrong

fernandoalo_oficial: i understand the women in hallmark films now. lumberjacks are hot

jensonbutton: or it's just me?

yourusername: welp

user22: sorry seb but fuck that tree's life it looks so fucking good

user23: i'm so glad y/n isn't a sad beige mum

yourusername: tacky christmas 4 eva

lewishamilton: now that is a christmas tree wowza

yourusername: oh wow that means a lot coming from you

lewishamilton: i'm going to assume the guys weren't allowed within 10ft

yourusername: they were allowed to put the star on and pick where the homemade ornaments would go

lewishamilton: having seen their dress sense for the last 15 years, i think that was wise

user24: is seb like holding a grudge?

sebastianvettel: YES they laughed at me :(

yourusername: awwwww you baby, you're so cute

sebastianvettel: what if we've made a squirrel or a bird homeless :(

fernandoalo_oficial: there's a fuck ton of trees around i'm sure they're fine

jensonbutton: or maybe we hit them with our car on the way home

sebastianvettel: JENSE :(((((((

fernandoalo_oficial: i thought i felt a bump

yourusername: GUYS

user25: all i know is that i would not want to get into a fight with flo with these fools as her parents

sebastianvettel

liked by fernandoalo_oficial, jensonbutton and 1,288,493 others

tagged: yourusername, mickschumacher

sebastianvettel: you all laughed at the tree. jokes on you me and mick went and got a foster reindeer

view all comments

user26: no ever is ever as petty as a middle-aged man

fernandoalo_oficial: THAT'S WHAT THAT SOUND WAS

jensonbutton: DO WE LOOK LIKE A ZOO?

sebastianvettel: yes.

fernandoalo_oficial: i'm sorry but @mickschumacher this is why you weren't godfather

mickschumacher: NANDO

maxverstappen1: let me grab my popcorn

jensonbutton: mick we already have a dog and two cats and you let this menace get a REINDEER

sebastianvettel: he's a foster? don't talk to walter like he's not there

fernandoalo_oficial: mick you told me you were going for afternoon tea ?? i am so disappointed

mickschumacher: boo hoo old man this is why you lost 2010

yourusername: MICK?

user27: this man is well and truly off his rocker

yourusername: how long is walter here for?

sebastianvettel: he's got a bad foot :( but the sanctuary said he's great with kids 👍

yourusername: how would they possibly know that

fernandoalo_oficial: flo is not hanging out with a reindeer

sebastianvettel: not even a safe distance? :(

jensonbutton: from the window... STOP BRINGING WILDLIFE HOME

sebastianvettel: oh so fernando can bring home two surprise cats but i can't

yourusername: there is a wee difference between a cat and a REINDEER

charles_leclerc: does this mean when walter is better we can go for reindeer rides?

alexalbon: finally someone asking the real questions

yourusername: at this point you'll being coming to the north pole might as well throw in a reindeer ride as well

maxverstappen1: FUCK YES

jensonbutton

liked by yourusername, sebastianvettel and 1,008,653 others

jensonbutton: last time i was aware we only have one child ...

view all comments

user29: ELF MAX ELF MAX ELF MAX

user30: mia eating everyone up as usual

charles_leclerc: this is charles leclerc erasure of the highest order @sebastianvettel DO SOMETHING

jensonbutton: did you or did you not state: my ass looks too good in these tights, this can't go on the internet without a paywall?

charles_leclerc: i may have said that yes

jensonbutton: you are such a drama queen charlie

charles_leclerc: but we took other photos :(

jensonbutton: not everything has to be on instagram, that's what a mantlepiece is for

charles_leclerc: I'M GOING ON THE MANTLEPIECE ???????

jensonbutton: not if you keep being rude to me

charles_leclerc: sorry jenson :((((

jensonbutton: play piano for mia every night you're here and you're good

charles_leclerc: as if that's punishment

user31: charlie playing piano for flo is my favourite thing ever

yourusername: if we only have one baby, why do they all act like one?

fernandoalo_oficial: you insist on having all the grid kids over

yourusername: sue me i love them and i love how much they love flo

sebastianvettel: will you be saying that when we have to make breakfast for nearly 20 overgrown children

yourusername: DON'T LISTEN TO THEM BABIES HE CRIED WHEN HE READ YOUR GOODBYE MESSAGES

maxverstappen1: I KNEW I T

landonorris: me and mia really twinning here

yourusername: she really turned up, ate, got all the love and went back to sleep what a queen

danielricciardo: soz fernando i did santa better

fernandoalo_oficial: flo cried when you held her. so take that for what you will

danielricciardo: cried... from excitement

yourusername: she threw up on you

danielricciardo: FROM EXCITEMENT

sebastianvettel: you also cried?

danielricciardo: FROM EXCITEMENT?

yourusername

liked by fernandoalo_oficial, maxverstappen1 and 1,934,788 others

yourusername: baby's first christmas xx

view all comments

user37: it's florence's world and we're just living in it

maxverstappen1: mamma mia christmasses might just be where it's at, love you guys and mia xx

yourusername: awww maxy, we love you !! thank you for coming

maxverstappen1: the christmas dinner banged and i got to hang out with mia YOU CAN'T GET RID OF ME

fernandoalo_oficial: i love this family :)

jensonbutton: he's crying, i can hear it from the kitchen - i love you all too

sebastianvettel: i think the holidays have turned my heart to a puddle can we kick these people out and have a cuddle pile?

yourusername: i love you all more (definitely)

fernandoalo_oficial: thank you guys for giving me flo, the biggest gift in the world

yourusername: wouldn't change it for the world

sebastianvettel: i love our little chaos

jensonbutton: the best christmas ever

user38: okay but next year can y/n remember she has a youtube channel and do vlogmas ....

user39: NEEDED

charles_leclerc: "kick these people out" i'd like to see you try

maxverstappen1: you're never getting rid of us

yourusername: well charles you've kind of conditioned flo to only fall asleep to piano so i'm afraid you can't leave

maxverstappen1: don't tell jimmy and sassy but i fear i have an emotional attachment to walter

fernandoalo_oficial: oh boy you've condemned yourself there

sebastianvettel: set your alarm max, we're on walter duty tomorrow

maxverstappen1: yay?

yourusername: flo and i will make sure there's a hot choccy when you get back

jensonbutton: i for one am proud of beckett for not dive bombing the christmas tree

yourusername: and he only chased cream cheese and salmon once and we can blame that on daniel

danielricciardo: FALSEHOODS

jensonbutton: did you not challenge the dog to a race that led straight to the cat tree?

danielricciardo: maybe? IT WASN'T MY INTENTION

note: ehehehehehehehehehehe feeling in a giving mood and finished this a lot quicker than expected. i FUCKING LOVE CHRISTMAS AND I FUCKING LOVE MAMMA MIA. i hope you guys enjoy, i am working on your requests.

mamma mia will return

taglist: @boiohboii @vellicora @faithm120601 @raizelchrysanderoctavius @luv4kani @eugene-emt-roe @magical-spit @ironmaiden1313 @jaydaaasworld @whoreks @rainerax @nonsensical-nonsence @laneyspaulding19 @chelseyyouraverageluigi @lxclerc @gemofthenight @woweewoowa @tagteamedbitch@imagandom@mypage-myfandoms@mehrmonga@asparklysoul @unstableplant @motorsp0rt@multilovebot@lili-flower03 @its-elias-world @jolixtreesunn@nothingfuninthislife@rileynicol3@kodzuvk@mochimommy2002@fluffyspaceprincess@roseseraj@black-swan-blog27@nyrasslut@justdreamersdream@asfaraslifegets@why4anne@ineffableperson@leilanixx@lunyyx @pupbistro @gaypoetsblog@rafaaoli@champomiel@sadsierra2 @rainerax @lokietro @thecubanator2 @nzygftoji @rockyhayzkid @nmw-am @slytherheign @erikasurfer @turn-around-look-at-what-you-see @greigreyhiyyih @duck-duck-goose-18 @dark-night-sky-99 @ironcowboycopnickel @sizzlingghostoperatorbagel @2bormaybenot @42ndbrokencompass @whotfisvale @lichterfee @sticksdoesart @glitterf1 @turn-around-look-at-what-you-see @lighttsoutlewis @tagteamedbitch @glow-ish @sadg3 @kagatinkita @litoriaxu

2K notes · View notes

reese-tasteslikepepsicola · 5 months

Text

Peter Parker x Fem!Reader

Naked

Summary: In which Reader walks in on a naked Peter, Reader laughs, Peter becomes insecure. Reader decides to show herself naked back in the worst moment possible. Based on the episode of New Girl with Jess and Nick lol <3

Warnings: Nudity, slight smut? Like it’s not crazy smutty, Peter fantasizes about reader while with someone else for a hot minute lol

…

“You are not gonna believe this!” Peter’s voice can be heard from the front door of your shared New York Loft.

You, Mj, Peter and Ned were all living together and sharing rent while you all attended College. It was chaotic at times, but it worked out.

At the end of the day, it was nice to be snuggled up on the couch watching a cheesy horror movie with your friends,

“You finally grew a few inches?” Mj asked, biting into her bagel that you made for her. Peter glared at her before throwing his jacket on the couch,

“No. This girl in my Econ class wants me to come over tonight to hang out” You turned around so quick that the whisk that had egg on it flew off and splashed onto Ned,

“Really?” He groaned and wiped it off,

“A date?” Your eyebrow raised, a smirk plastered on your face, attempting to cover up your jealousy.

You and Peter weren’t dating, or even flirting with each other at that. You guys were just simply friends and roommates.

Peter couldn’t deny that you were cute and blessed in all the right places, and you couldn’t deny that he was hot and awkward in a charming way.

All of the glances at each other and occasional long lasting hugs between the both of you were always cut off with the bug boy poking fun at you and you firing back ten times worse.

So, why were you so jealous that he was gonna get some ass tonight?

“Oh! Peter is getting the hanky panky?” You exclaimed, a grin on your face. He scrunched up his nose and snatched one of Ned’s pieces of bacon,

“Y/n, don’t call it that. But, yes, I will most likely be having sex tonight with a hot, sarcastic blond who’s totally into my muscles” He flexed his arm in your face obnoxiously,

“Gross” Mj snorted. You slapped his bicep with the spatula,

“You know what, good for you, man. What’s her name?” Ned asked, patting Peter on the back,

“Her name is Lauren. She’s into politics and nature, and enjoys taking pictures of big, historical buildings” He stated, nonchalantly shrugging his shoulders and smirking,

“Too bad your building is small” Ned joked. Peter tilted his head to the side in confusion,

“What’s that mean?” Mj cackled and looked over at you as you let out a snort,

“Oh! I was just—um—joking that your uh—penis? Yeah, penis, is small. But, it’s not! It was a joke! You’ve got a great penis, man! I’m not saying it’s small—they laughed, okay?!” Ned began stuttering, scratching the back of his neck and pointing at the two girls who were laughing.

Peter just nodded and squinted his eyes,

“Right, whatever” While his three roommates continued conversation, he remained silent and began overthinking about what Ned said.

Yeah, it was a joke! But, was it, though? Was there truth behind it?

“Your dick is huge, Peter. Lauren will love it” Peter said as he stared at himself in the mirror in his room.

‘Blue (Da Ba Dee)’ by Eiffel 65 began playing from Peter’s speaker. He turned the volume up to the max and stepped back to get a better view of himself.

He took off his shirt and began flexing his biceps, then awkwardly dancing, attempting to boost his self-esteem. Aunt May always told him to dance if he was feeling upset as a kid,

“Yo, listen up here’s a story about a little guy that lives in a blue world!” Peter started singing along to the lyrics, unbuckling his belt and pulling his jeans down,

“And a blue corvette and everything is blue for him and himself and everybody around cause he ain’t got nobody to listen!” He ran his hand down abs, continuing to stare at himself in the mirror and singing along to the song.

Meanwhile, you were on your stomach in your bed, studying for your upcoming exam. You were slowly growing frustrated with Peter’s loud music powering over your’s that was playing from your phone,

“Peter! Turn your shit down! I can barely hear Lana Del Rey, right now!”

He slowly pulled down his boxers and sighed, scratching his forehead,

“Well, here’s my dick, Lauren. Hope you like it” He mumbled. The mirror isn’t flattering,

“Yep, it’s definitely the mirror, Peter. I’m beautiful the way I am” He shook his head and cringed at his words, and began dancing again.

“For fuck sake” You slammed your textbook shut and got up, ready to cuss him out. You walked across the hall and swung his bedroom door open,

“Seriously, dude! Some of us are trying to study!” When you looked up, you gasped as you were face to face with a dancing and very naked Peter Parker.

You both froze and stared at each other for a few seconds before you broke it by pointing at his dick and letting out a screech-like laugh, then running out of the room.

The whole situation hit Peter like a wave, and he flopped down on his bed and caged his head in between his arms,

“Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god—no, no, no, no” He kept repeating, the incident replaying in his head.

A notification went off on his phone. He grabbed it and saw it was a message from Lauren.

Laurenfromecon: Hey big boy. My roommate finally left for the night. I hope your on your way ;)

Peter took a deep breath and sent a thumbs up back, too traumatized and distraught to send anything flirty back.

If you laughed at his dick, wouldn’t that mean Lauren would, too?

“Hey guys—to make my story short, I walked in on Peter dancing naked to that blue song” Ned spat out his water and Mj’s eyes practically bulged out of her her head,

“Oh! That’s not…” She laughed, setting her mug down on the coffee table,

“Yeah! Like he was dancing naked and like—staring at himself in the mirror while doing it, too! It was so—weird? I don’t know what to say to him now!” You began ranting, playing with your hair nervously.

Ned stood up and placed his hands on your shoulders,

“What did you say to him? Or did you say anything at all?” You looked down at your hands and began fiddling with them,

“Well, I kinda might’ve pointed at his…friend and laughed at it” Ned threw his head back and placed his hands on his face,

“Y/n! You never laugh at a man’s penis! That’s like the worse thing a woman could do!” Mj shook her head and leaned back into the couch,

“And right before his hook up, too? Dude, he’s probably in his room right now crying and throwing up” You grabbed a pillow and screamed into it before flopping down,

“Speak of the devil” She mumbled, flicking your head and then pointing to Peter who was fast walking past you guys with his hoodie covering his face,

“Oh my god! Hey, buddy!” You cringed at your words as you jogged after him to the front door,

“Please, leave me alone, y/n” He mumbled, trying to find where his keys were hanging frantically,

“Peter, we should really talk about this! It was just an accident that won’t happen again, right?” You tried to say nonchalantly, giving an awkward shrug as you guarded the front door,

“We knock on doors in this house. It shouldn’t of happened in the first place” He said through gritted teeth, finally getting ahold of his keys,

“I know! Just, your music was so loud and you wouldn’t of heard my kno—

“Y/n, please move” You sighed and slapped his shoulder,

“Listen, Petey, dancing naked is so normal! I dance naked sometimes, too!” You exclaimed. Your two friends both shook their heads as they watched what was currently going on in front of them,

“Just—move” He gently pushed you out of the way and opened the door, making his way out into the halls,

“I dance naked while listening to Sza and Ethel Cain all the time! Nothing to be ashamed of” You yelled out, your voice and words echoing throughout the halls. Peter shook his head and ran to the elevator. Your neighbour stepped out and gave you a disgusted look,

“Oh, shut the fuck up” You glared at him.

“Your so hot, Peter” Lauren moaned out, straddling him on her bed,

“Uh—thanks. Your pretty hot, too” He mumbled in between kisses. He shut his eyes, desperately trying to get himself hard and get you out of his thoughts,

“Fuck, take off your pants” The girl said, her hands going to the zipper of his jeans. Peter felt his heart jump out of his chest in fear,

“Wait! Can you take off yours first?” He pulled her hands away from crotch. She smirked and hopped off the bed and began stripping till she was completely naked.

Peter let out a huff of air and palmed himself,

“Wow, your um- nice” He cringed at his compliment and at how he still wasn’t becoming hard looking at a naked, blond chick who wanted him.

Did y/n break my dick’s ability to function for good? He thought to himself,

“Peter? You alright?” Lauren asked, snapping her fingers in front of his face,

“Huh? Yeah! Oh, yeah! I just need to…” He trailed off, gesturing to his dick. The blond grinned and nodded, going back to straddling him, grinding on him,

“Oh, shit” Peter cursed as her hand reached into his pants, slipping past his boxers, beginning to stroke his length.

As Peter laid his head back against the pillow, he found himself beginning to relax, trying to ease his mind,

If Lauren didn’t like my dick, why is she trying so hard to get it up? Y/n is immature, of course she’d laugh at your penis! Y/n…y/n…y/n…I wonder what y/n is doing right now. She’s probably dressed in her cute pyjama set after having her nightly shower. She’s probably laid on her bed thinking about you, thinking about you naked. Yeah, she for sure is. I wonder what she does in her room when she’s alone. Y/n, y/n, y/n, y/n…

Y/N?!

“Peter?” Lauren cleared her throat and took her hand out of his pants,

“Are you okay?” Peter eyes snapped opened,

“Is there anything I can like—do differently?” She asked awkwardly, chewing on her nail.

The spider boy let out a groan and flopped back down on the pillow, his flushed with embarrassment,

“Sorry. It’s not you, it’s me. It’s just—

“It’s fine, whatever. It’s okay to not be in the mood” She said, rolling off of him and slipping her clothes back on,

“Maybe we can…cuddle?” Peter asked, immediately regretting his words. The blond nodded, hesitantly laying underneath his arm,

“Uh, okay”

What the fuck is wrong with you, Peter? Why were you thinking about Y/n?

Peter stayed the night and left first thing in the morning,

“So…how was it?” Ned asked as Peter sat down on the leather couch.

He shook his head,

“Terrible” His friend frowned and paused the football game that was currently playing,

“What happened?”

Peter explained everything to Ned,

“Let me guess, the way y/n laughed at your junk made you so insecure about it that you couldn’t get a hard on?” Bug-boy groaned and and lifted his arms up,

“Exactly! What the fuck am I supposed to do now? What if she ruined my ability to ever become horny?”

Ned shrugged and frowned,

“Listen, y/n feels horrible about the way she acted. She really does feel bad. Go talk to her, trust me. My grandma always says that communication is the bed solution”

“Thanks a lot, y/n! Because of you, I can’t get an erection!” Peter yelled as he barged into your room. You slammed your book shut and sat up on your knees in the middle of your bed,

“What?!” He nodded and and pointed his finger in your face,

“I cant get your stupid little screech out of my head! The whole time I was trying to hook up with Lauren, your laugh and reaction to my dick kept replaying in my mind” You placed your face in your hands,

“I’m sorry, okay?! I just panicked, and when I panic I laugh or scream!” He rolled his eyes and leaned against your doorframe,

“Peter…your member is beautiful, okay?” You said, giving him a toothy smile. His face scrunched up,

“Oh my god! Do not call it a member, please. Call it a dick or whatever” You sighed and pushed your hair back,

“Your dick is nice looking, okay? It’s a good—dick. It’s far from small. I just got embarrassed because I invaded your…privacy” You were telling the truth.

He ‘tsked’ at the last part,

“You were embarrassed?” He said, raising an eyebrow,

“We were both embarrassed! I should have knocked. You should have turned down your music” He nodded and remained silent,

“I guess so”

The next day, you came up with the best idea.

There had to be some way to ease the tension, to relieve Peter’s embarrassment,

“This should work” You said, standing nude in front of your mirror. You ran your hands up and down your curves and let out a huff.

Your idea was to wait in his room and flash Peter when he came home to make it even between the both of you.

It’s only fair, right?

You wrapped a towel around yourself and made your way to his room.

“Fuck, I can’t believe this is happening” Peter and Lauren came stumbling through your shared loft,

“Are you sure your friends are out tonight?” The girl asked against his lips. He moaned when she pushed into his groin,

“Y-Yeah. They should be”

Peter had texted Lauren that morning, asking to hang out.

He really thought about everything that went down and concluded that it was never that serious.

His dick was fine, so was his body, and he wasn’t going to let you stop him from hooking up with pretty girls.

That’s how he ended with Lauren in his car, and then in his apartment,

“My room is down here” She followed him as he led her to his room.

You gasped as you heard Peter and a female voice echo throughout the apartment.

Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no!

You scrambled around the room, quickly trying to find where to go. You went to the bedroom door and stopped as you heard them step right outside it.

Fuck! Think fast, y/n.

You stopped, dropped, and rolled to the side of his bed that was facing away from the door.

“Take off your clothes” Peter nodded as he stood in front of Lauren who was sitting on the edge of his bed. He took a deep breath and hurriedly took off his shirt.

She grinned and bit her lip, her hands going to unclasp her bra,

“Who the fuck is that?!” She screamed, pointing to the floor before covering her chest. Peter turned around and saw you in a towel, crawling on the floor towards his door,

“Y/n?! Wha—

You stood up and ran to the door, your towel then fell, revealing your nude backside,

“Oh…f-fuck” Peter whimpered as he stared at your body, completely forgetting that the blond was there, sitting frightened and confused as hell on his bed.

His eyes became hazy, his pupils dilating,

“Y/n” You slowly turned around, his gaze now being introduced to your naked front view.

His eyes trailed from your face to your breasts and lower.

A smirk-like grin formed on his lips as he stared at you.

You cleared your throat and ran a hand through your hair,

“Ta-da” You said, giving a weird smile.

Coming to your senses, you picked up the towel and quickly wrapped it around yourself, then practically sprinted out of the room and slamming the door behind you,

“Wow” Peter chuckled under his breath.

You were so fucking beautiful.

She’s so fucking beautiful, holy shit.

Lauren screamed from behind him,

“Um—what the fucking fuck just fucking happened!!”

Part 2!

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