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heliads · 1 year

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Hii Lisa my beloved!💕💕 I'm in my Kaz phase again and some stupid ideas have been running through my head constantly. Hoping you could turn it into a wonderful fic, if you like the idea of course.

Kaz x reader with slight Nikolai x reader😌

So, reader is a Grisha with healing abilities (hidden like Alina). After a tragic event, the loss of their family hit hard and they were taken into care by some people that worked at the palace. That's where reader met Nikolai, they became best friends and later enrolled in Army, became lovers all of that. Reader's healing powers were slightly special in the sense that when they used them there was a golden glow all around, making the wrong people believe reader was a sun summoner. After being madly in love for some time, reader got kidnapped for their powers. Tortured for 2 years, reader was saved by our lovely Crows. Reader believed Nikolai never looked for them (false because he did desperately until he ran away and became Sturmhond after believing that reader died)

Reader becomes a Crow, falls in love with Kaz, they have a relationship for 2 years or so and then, one day they fight about something and right at that time, Nikolai makes his way to their bar. Reader and Nikolai have an emotional meeting that leaves Kaz insecure and jealous.

The ending...well I think reader should stay with Kaz buut I'm not opposed to something else👀

Whatever you want my dear Lisa. I hope this makes sense and it's not too insane. I love you and thank you💕

my beloved!!! this request is literally incredible, why are your ideas always exquisite????

masterlist

You don’t like it when Ketterdam is quiet. This jilted city of yours is always loud, always rowdy, and on the few instances in which it isn’t, the whole place seems to hold its breath, just waiting for something bad to happen. Sometimes you hear things you shouldn’t when there’s no background noise to cover it up. Sometimes, worst of all, you dream.

This dream is not a good one. You only know this after waking. The dream leaves quickly, as all dreams do, slipping back away under cover of night to haunt some other sleeper. You let it pool in your trembling hands, dripping out through your fingers despite your best attempts to stop it from abandoning you. It must have been a tumultuous dream indeed, because for a moment you thought you were back. Back in Ravka. Back with him.

Ravka is not yours anymore. It was, once upon a time, or so you let yourself believe. You were born in a small village near Adena, home mostly to craftsmen without merit and tradesmen with a fear of leaving their homes. It was a quiet, get-what-you-will existence for the most part, up until the point when you reattached a woman’s severed leg with a wave of your hand and discovered you were a Grisha.

Healers are valuable commodities in a war-torn nation, and you were shipped off to Os Alta before you knew it. It would have been lonely there in a city fiercely divided between Grisha and non-Grisha, were it not for the one friend you made there. A prince, of all people. A second son who wanted nothing more to run. Nikolai Lantsov.

You and Nikolai were just children when you met. It took years of close friendship for you to trust each other enough to fall in love, and even then, it was your best kept secret. Princes do not fall in love with witches. Grisha do not fall in love with mortal men. You kissed him behind locked doors and swore it would be enough for you, even if it wasn’t.

Perhaps it would have been, if Fate had been content to let you rest in mere complacency. There was one singular trait that separated you from the rest of the Corporalnik Healers at the Little Palace, one minor mark of difference. You can heal a patient just as well as anybody else, but for some reason, you glow when you do it. A warm, golden light emits from your palms whenever you use your gifts. His sunbeam, Nikolai used to call you.

Maybe people listened in too closely when they shouldn’t have. Maybe someone connected dots that didn’t exist. Maybe it’s just that in a country like Ravka, a country split by the Shadow Fold, a country in desperate need of Saints, it would be easy to overlook someone’s mortality in the hopes of discovering their own salvation.

That’s your best guess as to what happened to you. What you remember best is the aftermath, not the reason. You were taken from Os Alta in the dead of night, your hands bound in chains so you couldn’t fight or use your gift. You tried to scream, but they had a Squaller, a damned traitor, who stole the breath from your lungs before any sound could be heard.

They tortured you for two months, hoping you’d break and show that you really were the Sun Summoner they’d get paid to sell. It never happened, so they dug harder, cut you more, cared even less. You waited in dark and squalid rooms for someone to rescue you, someone like Nikolai, but no one came. No one Ravkan, at least.

You always wondered if you could put a time cap on the love of a prince. It turns out you can: four months and six days is all it took for Nikolai Lantsov to give up on you. You spent four months and six days waiting for him before hearing that he’d officially stopped mourning you in public to go to university, and the remainder of those two years in wondering how little he must have cared for you to give up just like that.

You have no doubt that your captors would have spent far longer than two pathetic years in trying to extract a Sun Saint from your exhausted spirit were it not for your rescuer. A far different savior than you expected, to be sure, far more bloodthirsty than any guardian angel you’ve ever heard about, but he did the job. He always does.

That’s Dirtyhands for you, you suppose, he gets what he wants. And if what he wants is a Healer at the low cost of having to break into a smuggler’s ship while it paused briefly in the Kerch harbor for supplies, so be it. Kaz Brekker was there for money and he was there for a new soldier to serve in his gang. You happened to fit both bills.

At first, you hadn’t known if you were actually safe or in even more danger than before. At least Kaz wasn’t torturing you outright– that was a start, wasn’t it? You didn’t trust him in the slightest at first, nor him with you. It took months of slow, apprehensive acceptance for that to happen.

It took longer for hesitant acquaintanceship to turn into friendship, and for friendship to turn to something more. Something like happiness. Something like the pure contentment of knowing that there is one person out there who would burn the whole world down if you were ever hurt. Nikolai mourned you for an appropriate time, but if the roles were reversed and you were in Ketterdam when you were kidnapped, Kaz would never accept your loss.

He’s all but told you this himself. There was one instance in your first six months of being in the Barrel when another Grisha hunter decided you would make decent prey. You were only an hour later than expected, but ten men were killed and a pleasure house burnt to the ground by the time Kaz got you back. You never feared getting taken again. You think he’s quite proud of that, even if he’ll never admit it to a living soul. Only the dead tell no tales.

So the Barrel is your home, so bloody kruge becomes your daily bread and butter. You wouldn’t want any other life. There is always the fear that you would someday lose that confidence, but you swore that time was over. Apparently not, though.

All that time spent learning to live again, and you still wake up in cold sweats, half sure that you’re back in your birth country and no better off than when you started. Kaz doesn’t deserve that. Your guilty conscience makes you want to beg his forgiveness, so you slip out of your room and up the stairs to his office without a second thought.

You know better than to think that Kaz Brekker would be asleep a few hours past dawn. You’re not entirely sure that he ever sleeps at all. It wouldn’t surprise you if he found a way to optimize his waking hours such that he never needed to close his eyes. Being able to capitalize on the time everyone else spent sleeping would certainly give him a leg up in the race of the Barrel rats.

Sometimes, when he’s feeling charitable, Kaz lets you heal him just a little bit, not the sort of injury reduction associated with broken bones but that of eliminating exhaustion. You’ve learned how to use your gifts without touching skin. Maybe that’s why he wanted your skills on his side in the first place, just in case.

The door creaks slightly when you come in. It is well within Kaz’s powers to oil the dratted thing, but you think he likes the sound. It serves as a warning of an intruder if he needs one, a reminder that he is no longer alone. It tells him that you are here now, and he looks up from his seat at his desk. The only sign that these aren’t normal working hours for anyone else is the slight dishevelment of his appearance, dark hair falling haphazardly over his eyes from being frustratedly pushed out of the way one too many times, his clothes rumpled and jacket removed.

“Couldn’t sleep?” He asks.

“Could you?” You return.

Kaz rolls his eyes. “I don’t need sleep.”

“Of course you do,” you say matter-of-factly, “You’re still human, Kaz, despite your best efforts to turn yourself into a machine.”

“I think it would be less productive to be a machine,” Kaz muses as he considers the stacks of ledgers before him, “think of the rust. Also, I don’t trust any gadget not to break down when you need it most.”

You snort, closing the door behind you and walking to the window behind his desk. “Machines aren’t the only ones breaking down all the time. People do that too.”

Your voice trails off on your last sentence, and Kaz cuts off his stare with his ledgers, turning his chair to face you. When he speaks again, his tone is gentle. It would surprise anyone but you.

“You’ve had another nightmare about Ravka again, haven’t you?”

You deliberate over your words, opting instead to perch on Kaz’s window seat and draw your legs up to your chest. He already knows the answer, anyway. “Yes,” you reply at last.

Kaz nods once. “It’s not real. The dream.”

You laugh bitterly. “I know that. I just hate the way I keep thinking about that place. It makes me feel weak.”

Kaz frowns. “You’re not weak. If you were, I never would have hired you.”

You can’t stop a faint grin from flitting across your face. “So romantic, Kaz.”

“Isn’t it?” He asks.

You glance at him over your shoulder and register genuine bewilderment on your face. To Kaz, you suppose, that is the height of romance after all. A true validation of your worth, a promise that you are enough.

It makes you smile. “You’re right,” you decide, “it is. It’s good to know my position is safe.”

“You’re safe,” Kaz repeats. He stands, walking over to the window. He doesn’t lean against you, but you can feel the exhale of his breath on your shoulder, the ghost of the touch you will never force him to give. “I will make sure of it.”

The two of you stare out the window at the rising sun. A new dawn is coming, bringing with it a new day, new surprises. Some of those surprises, as it turns out, will be far more shocking than you could have ever envisioned.

You’d like to say that you recovered from your nightmare pretty quickly after that, and you did collect your wits, but the jittery feeling stays with you well into the evening. You decide to stop by the Crow Club once dusk sets in, both as a favor to Kaz and for yourself. Once you do your usual perusal of tables, only having to point out one particularly gifted cheater to the guards, you allow yourself to drift over to the bar and order your favorite drink.

You see Jesper briefly in between rounds of Makker’s Wheel and talk idly for a few moments before he drifts off again. The Crow Club, albeit one of the fastest places in Kerch for money to leave your pockets, still feels like home to you. The rowdy hubbub, the dim lights, all of it is yours and has been for some time now. The Barrel is not safe, but this is Kaz’s place, and that means you never feel threatened so long as you’re within its walls.

Maybe that’s why you don’t register the new presence until it’s too late to run. The thought that the young man standing before you could ever be here at all is utterly bewildering. This is the Barrel, this is your mess of dingy canals and hopeless cases. What reason could Nikolai Lantsov possibly have to bring him down these parts?

You blink and he’s standing there staring at you like he’s seen a ghost. All the cockiness drains from his step as his jaw unapologetically drops. It is loud in here, but you swear the volume drops just long enough for you to hear him with perfect accuracy as Nikolai whispers:

“Y/N?”

He says it like a prayer delivered by a dying man, every syllable infused with impossible hope. You don’t respond, but something in your expression must confirm his question anyway. Either that or your face has changed so little in the five years since you saw him last that Nikolai can recognize you anyway, even in the smoke-filled haven of the Crow Club.

He draws forward by impulse, steps quickening the closer he gets to you. In all honesty, you have no idea what he is about to do, nor how you would respond, so you find yourself unquestionably grateful when Kaz emerges out of nowhere to stand in between you and Ravka’s younger prince.

Nikolai pulls up short to avoid running into him. “Who,” Kaz says, voice low but cold as a blade, “are you?”

Nikolai’s gaze darts past Kaz to lock squarely on you. You find yourself answering in his stead. “This is Nikolai.”

You can’t see Kaz’s expression from this angle, but you can imagine the way his eyes must narrow anyway. “Nikolai from Ravka?”

“The very one,” Nikolai replies, a touch of that same bravado in his tone you remembered so well.

Kaz scoffs. “Impossible. How’d you cross the Shadow Fold, then, prince?”

Nikolai gestures to himself, and only now once the initial shock of seeing him is starting to fade away do you realize how absurdly he’s dressed. “I left Ravka when I thought Y/N died. I go by a different name now. Sturmhond.”

You laugh in spite of yourself, a high sound bordering almost on fright. “You became a pirate?”

“Privateer,” he corrects, and judging by the quick answer you’re guessing it’s the same knee-jerk response he gives to everybody.

Kaz shifts slightly, allowing you to see the glare he’s not bothering to hide. “And what are you doing in my city, privateer?”

Nikolai swallows hard. “I heard a rumor about a Healer. A Healer whose hands glowed when she saved someone’s life. I had to know.”

Kaz looks like he wants to physically cut the source of this information out of Nikolai’s throat, but you beat him to it. “Why would you care now? You never tried to find me.”

Nikolai’s eyes flash. “I tried every day until I heard you were dead. I mourned for months.”

“Heard,” Kaz comments, “you never found a body?”

“Obviously not,” Nikolai says, glancing towards you again, “Why didn’t you come back to Ravka, Y/N? Why didn’t you try to find me? I missed you. I loved you. I still do.” He holds out a hand to you. “My ship leaves in one week’s time. Come home with me.”

You find yourself flinching back. Since your first days on the shores of Ketterdam, you’ve long since learned to disguise any sign of weakness, but Kaz knows you well enough to look for signs of trouble in even your slightest of expressions.

The small catch of your breath now tells him all he needs to know regarding Nikolai’s offer. Kaz’s hands curl around his cane, causing the black leather to crease like skin. “Y/N is safe here, Lantosov. She doesn’t need your war-torn country.”

Nikolai’s brow furrows. “Who are you to speak for her?”

“I’m the one who actually saved her instead of giving up,” Kaz says simply, “I’m the one who gave her a home.”

Nikolai’s eyes flit to you again, and you nod. “I loved you, Nikolai, it’s true, but I moved on when you did. Ketterdam is where I belong. My time in Ravka is over.”

You see Kaz straighten up imperceptibly by your side. From the way he’d spoken to Nikolai, you hadn’t thought he harbored a shred of uncertainty regarding where you would want to go, but it appears that his worst fears were assuaged by you asserting that you wanted to stay with him.

Nikolai swallows hard. “I won’t blame you for wanting to come home.” Only myself, you can sense him mentally adding on. It is a shame that time has not robbed you of the ability to tell what he’s thinking.

“I already am home, Nikolai.” You tell him.

He nods and leaves without another word. You watch him go, and he does not look back. Nikolai has had quite a long time to mourn your absence. Tonight may have set him back a little bit, but you have no doubt that he will recover just as he did before.

“Thank you for staying,” Kaz murmurs when Nikolai disappears from the club.

“Thank you for fighting to keep me here,” you whisper back.

Kaz’s eyes are sharp when they meet yours. “I will always fight for you.”

That, you think, is the difference between him and Nikolai in the end. Nikolai will carry your memory with him wherever he goes, but Kaz would never allow someone to take you from him in the first place. He would go to war to keep you safe. In a way, you think he already has.

You have the perfect view of Fifth Harbor from Kaz’s office window. You wonder if he planned it that way, so he could see both who was entering his life and who was leaving it. The two of you stand and watch Nikolai’s ship leave for Ravka once more. You wondered if it would hurt to see a ticket back to your place of birth evaporate from between your fingers, but it doesn’t. It’s just like you told Nikolai, isn’t it? You are already home. There is no need to leave.

requested by @zaypay, i hope you enjoy!

grishaverse tag list: @rogueanschel, @deadreaderssociety, @cameronsails, @mxltifxnd0m, @retvenkos, @thatfangirl42, @amortensie, @story-scribbler, @gods-fools-heroes, @bl606dy, @auggie2000

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heliads · 9 months

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Someone's Brother, Someone's Sister

Based on this request: "y/n’s motivation for joining the dregs is that she has a sister with a work contract with pekka rollins. she wants to break into pekkas office and destroy her sisters contract. when kaz finds out he talks about his brother and y/n gets the impression he’s projecting his relationship into theirs and she resents that?"

masterlist

It is surprisingly easy to enter the home of the Dregs. The building affectionately referred to as the Slat looms on the horizon; oil lamps shine in its crooked windows like gap teeth, and the stones and brick of the exterior are unwashed and dark with soot. All who pass by it do so with great unease, tugging coat lapels over mouths lest the devil get in on a stray word that wasn’t a prayer for salvation.

You would think it would be some kind of impenetrable fortress, but you walk right in. There are guards loitering by the door, relaxed in the knowledge that someone who wanted to be here would have tried to kill them already, and any intruder who wasn’t trying to start a fight would lose their money if not their life when they tried to leave again. People don’t just bother the Dregs. You beat them or you die trying. There is no peaceful coexistence.

The wooden boards creak under your feet, but no one casts you longer than a fleeting glance before moving on to better, brighter things. It would be a stupid idea to come here unless you were invited. Maybe that’s why it’s so easy for you to navigate up to the top floor, taking the staircase level by level until the stitch in your side tells you that you’ve reached the summit.

Kaz Brekker is not expecting you. Not officially, anyway. Still, for someone who supposedly has no idea you’re coming, he looks rather unsurprised when you enter his office after knocking once on his door. You think you see a flash of black at his window, but when you double take, it’s gone. Kaz does not acknowledge the shadow’s absence any more than he points out your presence.

Instead, he tilts his head back, knocking a wave of raven-black hair from his cold gaze. “Can I help you?”

It’s a pleasant thing to say. Were it not for the fact that he’s eyeing you like you’re a lamb before the slaughter, you’d almost believe that he genuinely does want to help you. However, this is, of course, the Barrel, and no one would go out on a limb for anyone unless they had an idea of a pound of flesh they could extract for themselves.

“I have a younger sister,” you begin.

Kaz cuts you off irritably before you can progress much further than that. He waves a gloved hand, annoyed already, which isn’t a good sign. “Everybody does. Do you know how many people beg me for jobs every day? There are scores of brothers with mouths to feed in this city. If I wanted to help someone’s sick mother or dying cousin, I would run a hospital, not a gang. Get a better excuse or get out.”

You fold your arms across your chest. “Fine. I know someone working in Pekka Rollins’ office. Is that better?”

Kaz lifts one shoulder. “I have spies already.”

“Not this one,” you tell him. “My sister works in Pekka’s buildings every day. Cleaning, polishing, that sort of thing. Who knows the kinds of papers she might see? Or the people feeding him information? No one suspects the help.”

“I don’t need you to tell me the importance of spies in the shadows,” Kaz scoffs, but he’s less dismissive than before. Good. You need this to work, even if it’s a sob story he’s both heard and told time and time again.

“Is that why you sent some of your men to follow my sister and I?” You ask slowly.

Dirtyhands doesn’t smile. Kaz might, though. When the corners of his lips twitch upwards, you’re not sure if it’s a declaration of his good humor or just an indication of a wolf ready to feast on blood and gore, but either way, it’s better than the barren stare.

“Why would I send my own Dregs after a maid and her sister?” He questions you.

You meet his gaze coolly. “Because you were already looking at us as a potential source of information. I’m here to accept your job.”

“I haven’t made an offer,” Kaz points out.

You shrug. “Don’t, then. There are plenty of other gangs in the Barrel. I just need a way to get my sister out of Pekka’s grasp before it’s too late. If you won’t help, I’ll find someone else who will.”

Kaz leans forward slightly. “It isn’t the best idea to flaunt your disloyalty. If you’re just as willing to go to other gangs, why should I trust you in mine?”

“I’m as loyal as I need to be once I’m hired. Once that happens, you won’t have a reason to doubt either of us. That I can promise.”

He cocks his head at you, considering this. “Making your sister into an informant could kill both of you. One misplaced sense of familial duty isn’t worth the agony Pekka Rollins could cause you if you fail.”

“It would be worse not to try,” you assert. “I owe her that much.”

Something passes over Kaz’s face, a shadow of something he won’t say aloud. For someone who’s heard this story before, he seems affected by it regardless. Perhaps that’s why he’s so cold and calculating outright; if his candidates are scared off by him, they won’t trouble him with their siblings and parents and relatives any longer.

At last, Kaz places his hands carefully on the desk. “I have entertained the possibility of your sister feeding me information before,” he admits, “I consider it for every new hire of his. You were already a possibility before you even knew I existed.”

He proves this statement by pulling a piece of paper out of his desk. You scan it quickly, realizing it’s a contract with a blank at the bottom for you to sign. “And what, me showing up sealed the deal?”

He nods indifferently. “It proved you were willing to face the risk of this job. I don’t want my spies to be cowards.”

“Trust me, you’ll find that both of us are brave enough,” you tell him, and sign the contract with a flourish.

Kaz takes the paper back, eyeing you appraisingly. “I suppose we’ll find that out soon enough.”

He’s as good as his word. Not two days have gone by before you’re given a set of instructions. Your sister must find a select document in Pekka’s office while she’s cleaning and report back a series of names to you, who will in turn feed the information to Kaz. Your sister already informed you that she would be more than fine with taking this sort of risk if it would get her out, but you can’t help a knot of guilt from twisting around your stomach when you think of the disastrous consequences should she get caught in the act.

She isn’t caught, though, and soon enough you’re hurrying back to the Slat. Kaz looks microscopically more welcoming on your second visit, but this quickly shuts down when, instead of telling him your sister’s information, you start out instead by telling him that you want your sister out of Pekka’s grasp in a month or less.

“That’s absurd,” Kaz says flatly. “Why would I terminate such a useful asset?”

“Because I want her safe, and even if you won’t have her, you’ll still have me as a member of the Dregs, and I’ll be more familiar with Pekka than most of your other employees,” you argue. “Besides, you had me sign a contract, not my sister. She has no responsibility to you.”

He arches a brow. “And how exactly would you go about removing Pekka’s influence from your sister? He’s not the kind of man who gives up easily, that I can assure you.”

“It won’t be that difficult,” you assure him, “my sister’s a maid, not one of his higher level employees. I just need to get in his office so I can destroy the contract she signed with him. After that, he’ll have no reason to keep her around, and he’ll still be under the impression that she knows nothing, so she’ll just slip out from his fingertips.”

“Of course,” Kaz muses sarcastically, “it shouldn’t be any trouble at all to get into Pekka Rollins’ office. It’s not as if that office has been the object of my attention for quite some time.”

“So we’ll make a heist out of it. Fine. Send other guys with me, we can take money or documents or whatever while I tear up the contract. One month, though, and she’s out.”

Kaz is silent for some time. “You really think you can protect your sister from Pekka Rollins? No one can. No brother is strong enough to protect their family from him.”

“I have no brothers to protect me,” you whisper, “just me. If I lose my sister, I have no one.”

“You are not the only one,” he says slowly, “with no one. You would not be the first one to underestimate what you’re getting yourself into. This sort of thing can drown you.”

He shivers when he says drown, a whole body spasm. You’re not sure that he’s aware of it. You’re not even sure that he is aware of you anymore. Wherever Kaz is, it’s not here, not anymore. He is in the thrall of some memory you could not dream of understanding.

“You can’t keep anyone safe from Pekka,” Kaz mutters. “You can’t. He couldn’t. J–”

He cuts himself off abruptly, knuckles curled into such tight fists that you almost expect the gloves to tear. Instead, he speaks up again, voice hoarse but controlled. “You may try. The information. Now.”

You tell him what your sister learned, afraid to hold back anything. When you leave the room, Kaz looks unsettled again, eyes wide and haunted. There is something he knows about Pekka Rollins that he will not tell you, something he’s reminded of whenever you speak of your sister.

You see this shadow of his again and again in the coming weeks. Sometimes it lingers for longer. Other times he blinks it away in a flash and he’s back again like nothing ever happened. When one month passes and your deadline comes to save your sister, he actually agrees with a plan to break into Pekka’s office. You weren’t entirely expecting him to accept such terms, but you think there is something compelling him to do this more than mere greed.

Then again, maybe greed is all. When the announcement is delivered to a select group of Dregs that you’ll be breaking into Pekka’s office, Kaz gives no mention of your sister nor her contract. In fact, when you bring it up to him, he just waves his hand and listlessly says that you can do what you please in there so long as you don’t ruin the mission.

At the beginning, maybe this casual dismissal would have stung, but you’ve grown accustomed to Kaz’s varying tempers by now, so you nod and take your leave. He’s standing by his window when your group leaves. You can see his silhouette when you look back, and although he’s too far away for you to see much other than a black shadow against the gold of lantern-light, you can sense the deep furrow of his brow as if he were right there before you.

Kaz is not your concern now, though, the heist is far more important. Still, you can’t help but turn to Inej Ghafa, who was appointed to lead this little expedition, and ask her why Kaz isn’t coming with you. It’s a foray into the stronghold of his enemy, why wouldn’t he be there?

Inej has always been kind to you, and the soft downturn of her frown when she speaks to you emanates calm sympathy. “He doesn’t want to mess with your task,” she says simply, “Not what the rest of us are doing, but how you’re freeing your sister. He says he doesn’t fare well with family disputes, not when Pekka’s around.”

You shake your head. “That makes no sense. Kaz isn’t superstitious. He doesn’t believe in luck, bad or otherwise.”

Inej lifts a shoulder, the movement a ripple of shadow against shadow in the dark of night. “I know. It’s all he’d tell me, though.”

You can feel her eyes on you even after the conversation ends, even after you walk away. So Kaz is afraid to mess with this, then. If you dared to put a finger on it, you think it might– well, it might even have to deal with Jordie.

You’re not entirely sure that Kaz is aware he has spoken the boy’s name aloud. It took him a long time, many long nights and early mornings. He has taken to musing and mumbling when you’re there. On one of those times, you heard a name. Jordie. Between that and his unnatural fixation on your relationship with your sister, you’ve been able to guess at a story. You may not be aware of any other Brekkers in the city, but that does not mean there were never any before you joined the gang.

The air inside Pekka’s headquarters is fraught with peril. Still, your sister’s information is good, and you’re able to find your way to the man’s office without too much trouble. There’s a filing cabinet in the back, full of contracts, and you quickly leaf through them to find your sister’s. You burn it with the very candle on Pekka’s desk, and after thoroughly checking to make sure there are no duplicates, you rejoin the rest of the gang without another word.

Kaz is waiting for you when you come back. The rest of you stole other important documents from Pekka’s office, just as you proposed when you first mentioned your need to liberate your sister, but Kaz quickly shoos everyone out of his office but you.

He sits there, stiff as a corpse, and stares at you. “Did it work?” He asks hollowly, “Did you save her?”

You nod. “The contract was destroyed. She’s safe.”

“The contract may be gone, but there’s no telling of her safety,” Kaz muses, half to himself, “No one is safe, not really. You think you’re alright and then he disappears, and then it’s over.”

You close your eyes for a moment of strength, but when you force them open again, Kaz still has the same weary expression on your face. It’s starting to rub you the wrong way, if it hasn’t since the first day. “My sister is fine, Kaz. I’ll find her work somewhere else. We’ll both be okay.”

Kaz’s eyes flash to you. “How can you promise her safety? You can’t do anything to save her. Not here.”

“I just did,” you argue, “I destroyed the contract. I did it. Pekka’s hold on her is over.”

“And what about the rest of us?” Kaz questions. “Can you find the rest of our contracts, too? Can you act like a Saint and save all of us?”

His tone is bitter, mocking. It cuts you to the bone. “I’m not your Jordie, Kaz. I can’t fix you.”

“I know,” he says, the words gut-wrenching, “I know.”

You stand abruptly. He does nothing to stop you. “I’m still honoring my contract,” you tell him, “I’ll carry on as a Dreg unless you kick me out. But don’t you ever even think about putting my sister in harm’s way. Her days as a spy are over.”

Your rooms seem even smaller than usual that evening, despite the fact that your sister is overjoyed at the thought that her life won’t be at risk anymore. In every one of her smiles, though, you hear Kaz’s warnings rattling in your ears. You can’t protect her. None of us can. Who are you to think otherwise?

You still show up at the Slat. You’re given jobs from down the ladder of command, never from Kaz himself. You haven’t haunted the top floor office in days, then weeks. It is fine, sort of, except for the fact that you do not want it to be just fine, you want– you want him, and that’s not what you expected at all.

A month goes by with no word from him, and then one night you’re out strolling by the harbor, looking over at the relentless surge of the tides, and he materializes from the gloom to stand there beside you.

He doesn’t look at you at first, just stares out at the water. “Your sister is alright.” Not a question, just a statement. You wouldn’t be surprised if he has taken it upon himself to find out that information already.

“Yes,” you answer.

He tilts his head up to stare at the empty sky. “This city has a way of wrecking us. You have enough bad turns and you think they’ll never end. You don’t trust it when someone has something good. I have been waiting for your rescue attempt to be ruined. It hasn’t.”

You nod. “Not all good things are a trap, Kaz.”

“I know,” he says, “I know. I’m sorry.”

You glance over at him in surprise. Dirtyhands doesn’t apologize. Kaz might, though.

Kaz meets your gaze for a second longer, then starts to walk away. “My door is open,” he tells you over his shoulder, then disappears back into the gloom of night once more.

You watch him until he’s long gone, then turn back to the water once more. The Barrel is not a good place to cultivate your dreams. More often than not, you’ll end up drinking poison instead of wine. Tonight, though– tonight, you think it might not be so bad after all.

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