• The Hanged Man •

“Compared to what Falin went through? This is nothing.”

probably time for this story i guess but when i was a kid there was a summer that my brother was really into making smoothies and milkshakes. part of this was that we didn't have AC and couldn't afford to run fans all day so it was kind of important to get good at making Cool Down Concoctions.

we also had a patch of mint, and he had two impressionable little sisters who had the attitude of "fuck it, might as well."

at one point, for fun, this 16 year old boy with a dream in his eye and scientific fervor in heart just wanted to see how far one could push the idea of "vanilla mint smoothie". how much vanilla extract and how much mint can go into a blender before it truly is inedible.

the answer is 3 cups of vanilla extract, 1/2 cup milk alternative, and about 50 sprigs (not leaves, whole spring) of mint. add ice and the courage of a child. idk, it was summer and we were bored.

the word i would use to describe the feeling of drinking it would maybe be "violent" or perhaps, like. "triangular." my nose felt pristine. inhaling following the first sip was like trying to sculpt a new face. i was ensconced in a mesh of horror. it was something beyond taste. for years after, i assumed those commercials that said "this is how it feels to chew five gum" were referencing the exact experience of this singular viscous smoothie.

what's worse is that we knew our mother would hate that we wasted so much vanilla extract. so we had to make it worth it. we had to actually finish the drink. it wasn't "wasting" it if we actually drank it, right? we huddled around outside in the blistering sun, gagging and passing around a single green potion, shivering with disgust. each sip was transcendent, but in a sort of non-euclidean way. i think this is where i lost my binary gender. it eroded certain parts of me in an acidic gut ecology collapse.

here's the thing about love and trust: the next day my brother made a different shake, and i drank it without complaint. it's been like 15 years. he's now a genuinely skilled cook. sometimes one of the three of us will fuck up in the kitchen or find something horrible or make a terrible smoothie mistake and then we pass it to each other, single potion bottle, and we say try it it's delicious. it always smells disgusting. and then, cerimonious, we drink it together. because that's what family does.

han: slbs for @strayklds

met my godson for the first time yesterday, and he shares a name with a certain character,,,,

I think a really fun idea to explore with Tim would be the idea of him having Hyperthymesia.

Hyperthymesia is an ability that allows people to recall almost every event of their life in great detail. It's extremely rare and honestly doesn't have that much research done on it, but recent studies have suggested that people with this ability are limited to autobiographical memories, people with HSAM sometime tend to show symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and may demonstrate obsessive tendencies.

I think it would be an interesting way to explain why Tim was able to recall his first meeting with Dick Grayson and connect the dots to seeing Robin. Tim does display a lot of obsessive behaviours, and while he doesn't really physically display compulsion (like someone with OCD would typically display) there certainly is a strong case to be made for him potentially having it.

But also, can you imagine how fucking horrible it would be for Tim to remember each and every traumatic thing that ever happens to him as a hero and those memories just never fading. Yes, it would make him a better detective and allow him to be arguably smarter than your average joe, but at what cost?

I know a normal amount abt waistcoats

sam nightingale fabian seacaster deeply tethered in the sense that whenever zelda & gorgug broke up i think they both were very emotionally supportive and there for their friend while also having clearly & openly thought the whole time that zelda/gorgug could’ve done better. also they’re both rich popular bards with talking vehicles who got left alone in their big house at the beginning of a school year so there’s that.

NOW WHAT THE FUCK

why is there a page on covid on the doctor who wiki. i don’t know what’s worse that or memory alpha

it was almost embarrassing how quickly it happened, how all it took was the sound of his soothingly sweet voice asking you, "hey, hey, sweetheart? what's wrong?" and the way his brown eyes softened when he looked at you to make you bury your face in his chest and immediately break down into sobs. you just couldn't hold it in anymore, everything came pouring out, you couldn't help it. he wanted to tease you for how cute you looked with your puffy cheeks and bottom lip jutted out, quivering slightly as you looked up at him from where you'd soaked his t-shirt with big, glossy eyes, bottom lids brimmed with heavy tears. but he knew that right now was not the time, so instead, he simply wiped your tears away with his thumbs, brushing your hair away from your sticky, tear stained cheeks and placing a soft kiss onto your forehead.

he can't leave you like this, he figures. he's gonna figure out a way to help you feel better. he's determined, nothing will stop him. even though you can't even talk right now, he knows exactly what you need. he wrapped you up in the most comfortable blanket he could find, put on a playlist with all of your favorite songs, and got you your favorite food, even though he knows you can't even eat it right now cause you're still crying. every time you think you're done, more tears come, but every time they come, he's there by your side to wipe them away. "just take your time, baby. let it all out," he says, getting comfortable next to you and pulling you into his arms. you notice he's changed the t-shirt he was wearing before since you'd both assumed your crying fit would be over, and you almost feel bad for the way you're ruining this one as well, but you know he doesn't mind it one bit. he'd get all the t-shirts in the world for him to wear so you could cry into them as long as it'll make you feel better, cause it's chan and he's cheesy like that. he'd do everything in his power to obtain anything in this world all for you.

knowing that makes you cry even more, but how could you not when he's stroking your hair so gently? how could you not, when he's humming softly along with the music he's got playing in the background, cause he knows you love it when he sings since it calms you down every time? how could you not cry tears of pure love and adoration for him when he's simply him? you cling onto his shirt, thanking whatever entity or thing, whatever is out there that he exists, that he's here with you in this moment. you're thankful for his tender kisses and gentle touches, his soft voice that calms your nerves and stops the flow of tears when he whispers those words that you'll only believe as long as they come from his lips, and no one else's.

"'ts alright, sweetie. everything's gonna be okay."

you were raised in comparison.

it wasn't always obvious (well. except for the times that it was), but you internalized it young. you had to eat what you didn't like, other people are going hungry, and you should be grateful. you had to suck it up and walk on the twisted ankle, it wasn't broken, you were just being a baby. you were never actually suffering, people obviously had it worse than you did.

you had a roof over your head - imagine! with the way you behaved, with how you talked back to your parents? you're lucky they didn't kick you out on your ass. they had friends who had to deal with that. hell, you have friends who had to deal with that. and how dare you imply your father isn't there for you - just because he doesn't ever actually talk to you and just because he's completely emotionally checked out of your life doesn't mean you're not fucking lucky. think about your cousins, who don't even get to speak to their dad. so what if yours has a mean streak; is aggressive and rude. at least you have a father to be rude to you.

you really think you're hurting? you were raised in a home! you had access to clean water! you never so much as came close to experiencing a real problem. sure, okay. you have this "mental illness" thing, but teenagers are always depressed, right. it's a phase, you'll move on with your life.

what do you mean you feel burnt out at work. what do you mean you mean you never "formed healthy coping mechanisms?" we raised you better than that. you were supposed to just shoulder through things. to hold yourself to high expectations. "burning out" is for people with real jobs and real stress. burnout is for people who have sick kids and people who have high-paying jobs and people who are actually experiencing something difficult. recently you almost cried because you couldn't find your fucking car keys. you just have lost your sense of gratitude, and honestly, we're kind of hurt. we tell you we love you, isn't that enough? if you want us to stick around, you need to be better about proving it. you need to shut up about how your mental health is ruined.

it could be worse! what if you were actually experiencing executive dysfunction. if you were really actually sick, would you even be able to look at things on the internet about it? you just spend too much time on webMD. you just like to freak yourself out and feel like you belong to something. you just like playing the victim. this is always how you have been - you've always been so fucking dramatic. you have no idea how good you have it - you're too fucking sensitive.

you were like, maybe too good of a kid. unwilling to make a real fuss. and the whole time - the little points, the little validations - they went unnoticed. it isn't that you were looking for love, specifically - more like you'd just wanted any one person to actually listen. that was all you'd really need. you just needed to be witnessed. it wasn't that you couldn't withstand the burden, but you did want to know that anyone was watching. these days, you are so accustomed to the idea of comparison - you don't even think you belong in your own communities. someone always fits better than you do. you're always the outlier. they made these places safe, and then you go in, and you are just not... quite the same way that would actually-fit.

you watch the little white ocean of your numbness lap at your ankles. the tide has been coming in for a while, you need to do something about it. what you want to do is take a nap. what you want to do is develop some kind of time machine - it's not like you want your life to stop, not completely, but it would really nice if you could just get everything to freeze, just for a little while, just until you're finished resting. but at least you're not the worst you've been. at least you have anything. you're so fucking lucky. do you have any concept of the amount of global suffering?

a little ant dies at the side of your kitchen sink. you look at its strange chitinous body and think - if you could just somehow convince yourself it is enough, it will finally be enough and you can be happy. no changes will have to be made. you just need to remember what you could lose. what is still precious to you.

you can't stop staring at the ant. you could be an ant instead of a person, that is how lucky you are. it's just - you didn't know the name of the ant, did you. it's just - ants spend their whole life working, and never complain. never pull the car over to weep.

it's just - when it died, it curled up into a tight little ball.

something kind of uncomfortable: you do that when you sleep.

Played everhood, loved this green They/Them'er

Everyone sleeps in dadmare's bed for the night

Well, almost everyone sleeps

Linktober Day 29, Aquatic/Water

Sometimes I forget about how dark Twilight Princess actually gets. And then I remember their Zoras, where the very pretty queen was murdered to send a political message, all of the people in the domain were turned into one big ice cube, the pretty queen's son passes out from a lack of water miles away from his home, all while the Zora at lake Hylia are stranded downstream panicking over the decreasing water level. Thats some Game of Thrones level of dark drama in a children's game. I love it.