#god these people are exactly why i avoided trans communities for so many years
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This might be a somewhat controversial opinion/rant, but as a black queer woman (i really id myself as being more genderqueer, but since i'm afab there are just things about womanhood growing up that has just stuck with me as formative experiences.), I find it really difficult to build community with queer men, even in fandom. I've tried to have friendships with transmen, but so many just feel the need to ramp up misogyny to 1000 to validate themselves as men, and then with gay men, some will say the most out-of-pocket, misogynistic things but because they're not attracted to women, it's somehow okay, I guess. But lately, there's been this trend among queer men of saying and doing misogynistic things but justifying it by stating they're talking about white, cishet women. But the thing is, there's nothing in what they said that can be specifically applied to only white women. It's a target to all women (I refuse to play the oppression olympics of who has it worse). And now I see other queer women in fandom saying the same things to each other.
I typically stay in anime/manga and danmei fanbases because that's where a lot of my interests are now, and I don't have to deal with USAian nonsense as much. But now that 7 Seas has unfortunately decided to translate more danmei into English that's changed. A queer male fan of a popular series has been unfollowed en masse by danmei fans for saying wildly misogynistic things about the author. Everyone all week has been scrambling to figure out where this came from. "He only ever said these things about cishet white women," but you guys... he was always talking about us the whole time. Now, I just don't know. Now I see why men aren't generally welcomed in or are common within romance-genre circles. It's just really frustrating to see the same thing over and over again. I'll add on that the only genuinely cool queer men in fandom I've met have come from yuri circles. The ones who try to talk about BL are, from my experiences, generally misogynistic, toxic, and feel as though everything should center around them because they're men and in BL the characters are men, as well. But when other women don't want to form community with them, they scream about 'homophobia' and 'fetishizing gay men.' No, you're just an annoying, awful person to be around, and the queer male yuri fans didn't want to deal with you either.
Has anyone else, or you specifically, dealt with this? Is there a way to become friends with more queer men in BL spaces who aren't... like That? Or are there specific things/patterns to look for as far as who to avoid?
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God, so much of this sounds so familiar.
I've known a sad number of trans dudes who overcompensate in dickhead ways. A lot of them do calm down a few years into presenting publicly as male, but it's infuriating to see that crap even if it's temporary.
I will say that two of my close circle of offline friends are trans men, including one who came out during the time we've all been friends. The defensive tomfoolery is in no way inevitable. Both of these dudes are nonwhite and have experience in various other geeky and queer spaces beyond BL (gaming, drag queens, etc.). Maybe that broader perspective helped, or maybe they're just nicer and more mature people than a lot of the little jerkfaces I run across online.
TBH, I often have better luck in offline meetups because to show up at all, people have to be a little more comfortable with getting along with others and behaving themselves. It's also sometimes easier to detect the people you want to back away from slowly when you can see how they treat people in person.
One of my neighbors is a cis gay guy. White, able bodied, middle class, yadda yadda. Exactly the demographic you'd expect to be the worst in certain spaces. He and his partner have lots of queer friends, and plenty of them aren't fellow cis gay guys, which is basically my litmus test for non-annoying cis gay guys offline. (Toxic cis gay dude culture is its own kettle of fish with a different set of issues than defensive trans boy culture, but I've encountered it plenty too.)
This neighbor is interested in geikomi and was delighted to find out I'm a fellow nerd and eager for all my nonfiction book recs about queer Japanese stuff. We don't necessarily overlap in our manga tastes, but there's still a lot we do share. When I ramble on about how AFAB queer people and/or bisexuals study history that's presented as cis gay men's history because that's all we have for most historical periods, he's like "Yeah, that makes total sense!" and not "Mine and not yours!"
I think the key here is that this is a dude who is secure in his identity, who's getting both his media and queer community needs met, and who's in his 40s, so he has some god damn perspective and doesn't need to pretend BL is aimed at him.
A lot of the little jerkfaces make me think "Did your preschool teacher not teach you how to share your toys?"
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To be honest, there seem to be plenty of dudes hanging around my tumblr. A few cis. Many trans. But they're not going to bring it up incessantly in some defensive "you know I'm not a cootie-having girl, right?" way because who does that?
It comes up when there's a discussion about trans shit or BL as #ownvoices or whatever. (And, in general, any dude worth hanging out with will not think BL as an industry is, or should be, anything of the sort—even if he's expressing his own sense of queerness by writing some.)
On the flipside, I have seen some pretty extreme "no boys allowed" clubhouse nonsense in fandom. It's less common than it was, and past shitty dudes have often been the inspiration, but it can still be a bit much. The nicer class of fandom dude is often pretty hesitant in certain spaces because he's expecting to be met with hostility and is trying to figure out how to participate without tromping all over everyone. (TBH, the guys worrying about this are rarely the problem, but you know how it is.)
I've had dudes send me private messages being like "this thing you said seems kind of stereotypical and anti-man", but in the adult capable of conversation way, not in the tantruming 5-year-old way. And we had a conversation, and they stuck around.
I think having a very clear "It's not #ownvoices, fuck off" stance deters a lot of the more pestilential set. Being equally clear that everyone is welcome and that male yuri fans and female BL fans are pretty equivalent makes the guys worth knowing come out of the woodwork.
In 99% of spaces, I do not give a fuck if some man has his precious feelings hurt by a double standard or default suspicion of men... But fandom is a little unusual because of the demographics and relative power here being so different from in most spaces.
I've definitely seen some people who think women liking BL are fine because we care about characters' personalities, while male fans are all predators or all write f/f that is just fetishy porn or m/m that sounds like Nifty.org and not other fanfic or whatever.
And, yeah, I'll shut down the dumbasses crying in my inbox because I made a joke about Nifty and "coke can dicks" (the kind of guys who have clearly never read m/m that's aimed at dudes outside of fandom spaces), but at the same time, we should extend a little benefit of the doubt to our fellow fandom members of whatever gender. There are usually plenty of men facepalming right along with me at these inexperienced young fools who cannot bear to share.
I think you're just running into the problem that the loud people whose identities you know are often using those identities to browbeat other fans on social media.
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There are fewer men in BL spaces than women or nonbinary people, so one will typically end up knowing fewer men.
Honestly, I think you find the reasonable people and get rid of the unreasonable ones in the same way regardless of gender: Gatekeeping bullshit is a red flag. Very Online understandings of oppression are a red flag. Enthusiastic and clueless blanket endorsement of own voices as a concept is a red flag. Lots of talking about "fetishization" or even "appropriation" in a very online way is a massive red flag. Monetizing fanfic or seeing other pro authors as competition instead of peers is another. (Professional jealousy and fear about earning potential are behind a lot of bad behavior.)
A lot of it is down to whether you're willing to make yourself a target by publicly telling annoying people to fuck off.
If others can tell what you stand for, they can figure out if they want to hang out with you. Most people keep their heads down a lot of the time, so it can be hard to even hear of them, let alone know if they're your sort of person.
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tl;dr – Be nice to nice men. Tell shitty men to take a hike. Making friends with men is really as simple as that.
There are larger issues here with what kinds of queer spaces exist and whom they prioritize and with toxic understandings of what representation even means and what should be demanded of whose art. But as you say, a lot of women are also promoting toxic-ass understandings of these things.
The bottom line is that we must resist social media clout-driven understandings of justice. The loudest assholes in the room are rarely worth listening to.
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Can you tell us more about your calling?
The plight of the people of Palestine has captured my heart and soul so completely I’m considering departing from my 6+ years of academia to more seriously investigate how I can aid them.
Unfortunately my calling is pretty vague so far, but I’m trying to remain open to where specifically I’ll be called and what I’m specifically called to do. I can tell you a bit more about why I’m convinced it’s my calling, as someone who has never felt a particular calling before. I assumed I should follow my talents, stay in academia, study a subject (forest pathology) I was passionate about and enjoyed for the benefit of all. But it was never a ‘calling’ in the sense that I felt I belonged, that I was where I was supposed to be doing what I was made to do. It was familiar and comfortable - mundane routine, just the way I like it.
I’m not sure exactly what triggered it, but about a month ago I called my mother late at night sobbing and begging her to pray a Chaplet of Divine Mercy for the people of Palestine. I was so overcome with grief, which I thought I’ve long since gotten used to with as many family funerals I’ve gone to in my life. I felt like I was losing my mind. I attributed it to having finished writing a big paper and talking at an important conference for my field, the stress-come-down of having something checked off my list of academic accomplishments.
Except a week later that grief and love was still burning in my heart. It’s difficult to describe outside of ‘burning.’ I know the physical effects of heartburn, stress, panic and anxiety attacks - I’m an anxious person and I know fear well. This wasn’t fear. Fear is something I run from, seek shelter from in God or in secular comforts. With this I feel safe - a bizarre security for someone who’s spent the better part of their life with clinical anxiety. It doesn’t have the pulse and tide of stress or the consuming wave of panic. It’s a steady grace I’ve been calling my conviction.
Which, again, I’ve never quite felt conviction this way before - I’ve been following the flow of life, swept up in a tide of secular expectations and responsibilities. It feels like I’ve found my footing on a sandbar while the tide of life moves around me, like I’ve stepped out of a dark room and into the sunlight. I feel alive for the first time, breathing air for the first time.
I’m a cradle Catholic. I’ve gone my whole life hearing about how we’re ‘born again in Christ’ and how the Holy Spirit ‘sets our hearts on fire with divine love.’ I think I get it now, because if this isn’t what a calling feels like or the grace of God, I don’t know what is.
And of course, as a cradle Catholic, I’m still chasing the ‘is this what God wants or is this just what I want and I’m trying to justify it to God?’ And while I doubt I’ll ever be 100% certain this is exactly what God wants of me, I know I certainly don’t want to radically change my life. I know that I have no reason to personally have investment in the people of Palestine.
I’m autistic, I’m physically disabled, I’m trans and gay - there’s a dozen social justice or political movements I could be swept up, that I would have personal reason to find benefits in. And it’s not that these aspects of myself aren’t important to me, or that I never advocate for myself or these communities I’m a part of. I just figure, if I was doing something out of self interest, it wouldn’t be something so far away and so different from myself and those I care about.
I hate change, I hate the fear that comes with it, but I think about my future, whatever it might hold in regard to this calling I can’t ignore, and I’m not scared. I hate confrontation, I hate to rock the boat or make people uncomfortable - the number of times I’ve laughed along with a family member’s bigotry to avoid upsetting them is too many. But for this conviction, this pull to something I have no reason to personally care about, I’m willing to change for that.
I don’t want to act on this, which is as damning as it gets as proof that this is what I’m supposed to do. I know in my heart I will act on this conviction, because if I don’t, I can’t imagine living the life I’ve been living. There is no safety net I can fall back on - it’s this or a miserable life knowing I’m not where I’m meant to be. This is what I’m here for, and I can choose to ignore that, but I’ll never feel alive the way I feel now, acknowledging that it is real and it is true.
And of course, this has only come up within the last month of my life. I’m not impulsive enough to drop everything and find a plane, and I don’t think I’m supposed to. I haven’t consumed and digested and discerned thousands of years of history of a land so distant from my own home in a single month. This is something that will take time to discern the specifics of, to network and organize and learn. I wrap up a chapter of my academic career this spring, and I don’t know what I’m going to do after. I don’t think I can continue in this career, as uncomfortable as it will be to break the news to my labmates and coworkers and advisor. But I’m trying to stay open to whatever comes my way - if God has shown this calling to me, I will be shown the path I’m supposed to take so long as I keep looking.
And that’s about what I’ve got on my calling. I wish it was more specific (I’m autistic - Christ knows I don’t take vague instructions well!) but for the first time in my life I have direction, so I will follow it where it leads me. If you’ve read my personal ramblings this far, God bless! His grace be with you.
#catholic#tower of babble#vocations#callings#anon#anonymous#answered asks#it boils down to: I have no reason to be personally drawn to this and to be quite honest I’d really rather not be involved#in anything as horrific and as politically contentious. but unfortunately it feels like I’m going to spontaneously combust#if I try to ignore this feeling and this spiritual satisfaction I find in this calling.
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Mushroom Rambles on Being Trans...
I got real high on some mushrooms and went on an emotional roller-coaster that I just kind of ramble-vomited into a drive document a few months ago...
Figured I'd throw it up here because I genuinely like how it turned out. Though I will say there's a bit of... frustration... with the roles pressed on men.
Anyway, it's all below the cut if you care to read it. I'll warn you it's long though, but I find it compelling in re-reading it.
It's incredible how you can feel so isolated from people, yet in moments like this not help feeling a deep connection with everything
It feels almost impossible for things not to sound profound to me right now.
Even the purposeful lack of structure can entice that feeling, so lacking in any real form, as a mocking caricature of purpose itself. It becomes a parody of itself by dint of the very simple purpose for which it was created.
Anti-humour, or the structure of how it's put together.
Gods, following this thought train right now feels like trying to explain an AI's thought-tree, it's constantly evolving as I go and I honestly have no idea where it's going to get off, it could be here or there or anywhere and I fucking love this.
How did I not know of all this shit? Why did I keep myself from experiencing it for so long?
I feel so free about drugs now, but I didn't before. This is a new thing.
It feels like I have to justify it to myself constantly. It's so weird to hear those PSAs and comments my mother would say about people. About how folks in recovery would talk about it.
This truly feels exactly like what they said in a way.
It always led to tragedy in those videos. Never a happy ending.
What a load of crock!!
Fuck!
I have to remind that part of my brain that the world that we'd have to return to would be one of frustration, fear, constant pain… all the things I'm dealing with now… and yet… without the hope, without the joy, without the ability to even feel real happiness.
Sometimes it feels like I never felt happiness. Never felt true joy.
I know it isn't true, I certainly did, but every memory from before I transitioned is taunted by pain. It's covered in a grey fog that just smothers the feeling in those memories.
I don't even know how to explain it. How do you communicate to the people around you that you finally see things in all the glorious colours of the rainbow. That when the sunshines it suddenly isn't just… an annoyance. That when the rain comes I can finally bask in it, not hope for it because it's an excuse to stay indoors away from people.
I spent years avoiding people. Spent my whole life doing it. I couldn't handle being around people, just so much going on. My anxiety just ran rampant. The more people the more they expect you to behave a certain way.
I could relax with my close friends. Let my guard down a little, but even then. I think in hindsight I kinda dated Dylan. He probably wouldn't look at it like that now, but like, we talked almost constantly, we knew each other so intensely well so quickly. We spent most days together all throughout the final years of highschool.
He smoked too much, though when I started smoking it stopped bothering me so much. I was really sad when his dad kept being such an asshole.
Gods, I've lost track of so many memories. It makes me really sad honestly.
I can't tell whether the mushrooms are making me play out the emotional hits or they're just lining up super well. Probably the former honestly.
Feels hard to imagine.
Feels hard to imagine things?! Hahaha, what the fuck brain
Gods it's good to feel the way I do right now.
Such a fucking relief. And it only took me lots of drugs to get it!
Though like… there goes the anxious voice "but what if I'm partway through fucking my whole life up huh?"
Well, to that I say, if this is what fucking my whole life up feels like, it's wholeheartedly worth it!
And fuck you for implying it might not be. You sanctimonious little prick. "What if you're part of a bad story" so fucking what if I am? I'm not unhappy now! I was so fucking unhappy before! I couldn't comprehend happiness like this. Everything was tinged with pain. With an emotional hurt that I couldn't name or see.
Like having an iron nail embedded into your skin. All the time it's there there's a dull ache and each time you bump into things it makes itself known.
Actually it's more like a splinter you can't see or pinpoint. You're mostly used to the constant pain of it, but every time you move juuuust so, it gets incredibly painful. You still can't see it, you don't know what it looks like or just exactly where it is, so you poke at it a few times and eventually give up figuring it'll work itself out eventually, and maybe you'll be able to pick it out then. Until then there's no point keeping your mind on it, but it's still there, aching and twinging away. You may keep a wary eye out to prevent it bumping into anything.
Soon it slips into your unconscious, becoming less pressing but still aggravating. A constant silent damper on you until the next time you inadvertently bump it, when it jumps to the forefront of your mind.
Over time you're haunted by it. This constant pain that you can't get rid of. Suddenly everything is bumping it, it's sharp stabbing jolts constantly feeling like they're tearing you apart. It's driving you mad, and so you dig again, even though digging has only made that feeling worse… you know if you keep digging that damnable thing will come out one way or another.
And it does!
And with it, your world shatters…
…The life you've built crumbles in your hands.
…The wife you had weeps in your arms, hoping one day she'll see you change your mind, but being glad in her own way that she's no longer tied to you.
…The child you have, still so young. She sees only your happy moments. You can't let her see the tears you wipe away as your world burns around you. You won't have long with her before you're parted. In your heart you're pretty sure it's what her mom and everyone wanted. Well, if you can't just "forget the whole thing" anyway. "Just smile and be a family" right? Doesn't matter how much you have grown to despise one another, you're supposed to cling together anyway? That's how you're supposed to do it.
"Can't you just be… you know… a drag queen?"
No.
Gods above no!
Gods fucking below NO!!
I'm not a fucking man.
I never fucking was a man!!
I was never EVER a man…
Whether people like you accept me as a woman… I don't care anymore. Beyond legislating my body, I don't give a fuck what you think of me.
I'm so fucking tired of being judged and weighed and measured. I'm so tired of feeling like a fucking show pony. If I wanna look like a fucking clown, I FUCKING CAN!
You held power over me for so long, I refuse to give it back. I don't need you to care, I don't need you to even know, but I still wanna fucking tell it.
It might have detonated my life, but fuck if it hasn't made me so so so much fucking happier with my life!
It's given me the space to be myself.
If things hadn't been so restricted in my life, I might have simply expressed myself far sooner. If I'd known what it could all have been, I'd have jumped at the chance I'm sure, but at the end of the day, I didn't have that knowledge.
It's never clear what thing will shake it all free, what makes the pieces land together. For me it was the birth of my daughter. The pregnancy leading to it as well.
It had been coming for a while though. I spent a lot of time in trans related subs "being a big ally".
I'd seen trans women in porn early on. When I was a teenager, I'd found it then. Heck, my mother had a collection of magazines that comprised a huge "encyclopedia of sex" or something like that. In there was where I saw a trans woman for the first time.
I spent a long time looking at that section.
If I'm completely honest, masturbated to it too. I was a teenager, dunno what to say.
Years later I looked it up. Found a number of videos, photos, etc. Grew rather fascinated with trans women. Started being so intensely interested in them as people. I came up with a million justifications in my mind like "I love it being obvious that you know when your partner is feeling pleasure", "I have a dick so I know what'll feel good for her as well", all so I could tell the men around me something if they ever caught wind.
It's something I'm more than a little ashamed of, those gross mental justifications, but they are what society pressures you into thinking.
It pushes men to see women as sex objects. Pushes them to treat women as such even if they don't. It pushes a complete lack of empathy. It's about justifying your place. You've declared yourself and you're supposed to be willing to back it, so you are deserving of the space. Those less able to declare themselves are relegated to the fringes.
Men are pushed to think of themselves first. Pushed to think of everything as a competition. Every man around them is always pushing them to compete. Competing is how you measure yourself right? How can you have empathy if all you know is competition. Winner takes all. So you've got to be a winner right?
Gods what a shit way to live.
Even if you try to stop, try to step away it's just… endless taunting, shaming, bullying. Men use femininity as a curse. The only ones who don't are those trying to actively step out of the rat race or those who use it as a gimmick.
I had a beard, one I'm honestly still proud of. One I'd maybe wear again if people wouldn't call me a man for it. It was big and bushy. Red like fire in the deep coals of a just barely burning log. I loved that beard.
It saved me from so much harassment. So much taunting. That and my sheer size. 6'2" and chunky. I never really needed to fight as everyone looked at me and decided it wasn't worth it. At least amongst the lot I encountered.
I was pretty stoic too, which gave me extra points. Most men looked at those 3 things and decided I was man enough as long as I didn't do anything too fruity. As long as I drank a vaguely beer shaped thing and didn't make them question themselves too much, I was ok in their book.
But gods… how is that any way to live?!
I guess I can sorta "exist" as a diluted, stale imitation of a man. Like watered down mayonnaise left in a cup overnight.
Or I could be me! Shed the bullshit unspoken rules, the invisible shackles of manhood.
…To a different set of invisible shackles! Or so society would have it.
And like, they are pretty, all fluffy and pink…and I am into bondage…
…But no.
No.
Fuck that. I wanted to be my fucking self here. Not some imitation of the bullshit system.
I didn't just want to switch sides, I wanted to escape the system. I'm not gunna replace one set of bullshit rules for another just because they're pink.
People spent my entire life quietly telling me I was unacceptable. That who I truly am is unwanted. That who I truly am is the laughing stock. You think I'm suddenly going to switch in a way that makes those people happy?! Fuck that noise.
Why the fuck should I care what they think when there are people out there who care about me for me. For who I am as a person. Where I don't face constant criticism, constant forced competition, constant belittling talk.
It's telling that one of the few people from my old life I keep making an effort to speak to is a friend of mine who I helped figure out was trans. She's a real gem.
It's still funny to me that so many of my friends were gay. Gay dudes, but still. I had weird feelings towards being friends with women, thanks to an incident when I was around 11… or was it later?
I was friends with some girls from down the road. We were having a sleepover at their house. We'd played with dolls. The memory gets a little fuzzy, I think we had a pillow fight and their parents got weirded out. Although now that I think of it maybe they'd decided to flash me? I don't think their parents saw that part, though it'd explain it better. I just remember being kinda uncomfortable.
The parents decided they didn't really want me around so much anymore. They got quite frosty with me from what I remember.
At the time I didn't understand why. It felt like an innocent sleepover. My mother explained to me how they saw it and from that point onward I was petrified girls would see me as pushy or creepy if I tried to be their friend.
Left lifelong scars for me in truth. The assumption that I wanted to do things I didn't. That I wanted to pressure girls into things. That’s just how "boys" are right? It ate me up inside knowing that people expected that of me.
Truth is I just wanted to be friends. I wasn't looking for more.
That cut me off from the people I wanted to socialize with. I pined after them, in both friendship and love. Had crushes on the kindest girls, the ones with personalities that filled the room and looked at me with genuine smiles. In truth I wanted to be their friend more than anything. Or more accurately, I wanted to BE them and be their friend.
When television and my peers were filled with stories of the dirty things men wanted to do to women, my daydreams and masturbatory fantasies were filled with visions of gentle caresses, dappled sunlight, lengthy foreplay, long passionate kisses, and my head between their thighs.
It's apparently a wild thing to admit your favorite thing to do to a woman is pleasuring her, when you're a 15 year old boy. Not that I'd had any experience at it.
Oh, most boys say they did. Purely confident in their ability to please women, while making it really apparent they never had.
Gods, I remember being friends with a guy purely cause he called that shit on people all the time. I also know he got around a fair bit, cause he was the only one our age that seemed to give a shit what their partner wanted. And he looked pretty good honestly.
Watching men's egos wilt when being called out is one of my favorite things. Though they almost never let it get to them unless it comes from someone they see as above them or as a peer in the social ranking. Otherwise it gets the defensive reaction of someone having the foundation of their carefully constructed personality picked at.
It comes down to how effective you are at declaring yourself.
If you shout loud enough, then you're right. You're in constant competition and the ones you care about impressing are the ones with more social power. If you shout loud enough then the ones below you have to agree. That's how it's supposed to work.
You're supposed to have power over people, that's what a man is right?
Gods I’m glad I don’t have to be any more…
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#hes on t and will be coming out as trans (a man) soon#i think deni will come out this year and go on t#spicy cis#venting ahead#just saw some trans men talking about how miley cyrus sounds like#and another one being like#and im like .... they are both out they are literally both put they are trans already like publically trans idenitified#miley cyrus is genderfluid demi is nonbinary#i think miley is probs on T too tbh from the voice changes! idk current prounouns but they have a very T voice i could be wrong tho!#but you literally do not have to be a man to be on t!#and being like outside the binary or being fluid isnt just like. a stepping stone#nor is it just or whatever#its fully 100 percent trans in a way fuckers like you (that is excorsexists those who invalidate genders and experiences outside the s#strict and solid one or the other binary) cant even comprehend#god these people are exactly why i avoided trans communities for so many years#and post truscum era none of these people even admit thats what they are theyll be like nooo im an inclusionist#then everything they say and do shows the opposite. you see me as a phase#you either see me as a cis girl trying to be special or a deluded repressed man in need of saving or whatever#fuck you all so much#i know for discourse reasons itll get me flamed on this site but this is nothing to do with how i think the world is or how it should be#this js my own super biased rambling based on societal and person bullshit ofc#but god does this shit dig at years of trauma and my own experience of oppression#and its hard not to wanna lash out#im just a damn person im sick of representing so many so called groups and categories#they are abstractions thry arent real i am not them they are not me i am real i am concrete#i am none of them. but i am forced to face the consequences intended for those labelled as so many of them. and im just . so goddamn tired#leave me the fuck alone. think about lives outside your own sometimes maybe.#it may be novel to you but god its the only way i can protect myself so have a little courtesy and do it back
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Interview With An Ex-Radfem
exradfem is an anonymous Tumblr user who identifies as transmasculine, and previously spent time in radical feminist communities. They have offered their insight into those communities using their own experiences and memories as a firsthand resource.
Background
I was raised in an incredibly fundamentalist religion, and so was predisposed to falling for cult rhetoric. Naturally, I was kicked out for being a lesbian. I was taken in by the queer community, particularly the trans community, and I got back on my feet- somehow. I had a large group of queer friends, and loved it. I fully went in on being the Best Trans Ally Possible, and constantly tried to be a part of activism and discourse.
Unfortunately, I was undersocialized, undereducated, and overenthusiastic. I didn't fully understand queer or gender theory. In my world, when my parents told me my sexuality was a choice and I wasn't born that way, they were absolutely being homophobic. I understood that no one should care if it's a choice or not, but it was still incredibly, vitally important to me that I was born that way.
On top of that, I already had an intense distrust of men bred by a lot of trauma. That distrust bred a lot of gender essentialism that I couldn't pull out of the gender binary. I felt like it was fundamentally true that men were the problem, and that women were inherently more trustworthy. And I really didn't know where nonbinary people fit in.
Then I got sucked down the ace exclusionist pipeline; the way the arguments were framed made sense to my really surface-level, liberal view of politics. This had me primed to exclude people –– to feel like only those that had been oppressed exactly like me were my community.
Then I realized I was attracted to my nonbinary friend. I immediately felt super guilty that I was seeing them as a woman. I started doing some googling (helped along by ace exclusionists on Tumblr) and found the lesfem community, which is basically radfem “lite”: lesbians who are "only same sex attracted". This made sense to me, and it made me feel so much less guilty for being attracted to my friend; it was packaged as "this is just our inherent, biological desire that is completely uncontrollable". It didn't challenge my status quo, it made me feel less guilty about being a lesbian, and it allowed me to have a "biological" reason for rejecting men.
I don't know how much dysphoria was playing into this, and it's something I will probably never know; all of this is just piecing together jumbled memories and trying to connect dots. I know at the time I couldn't connect to this trans narrative of "feeling like a woman". I couldn't understand what trans women were feeling. This briefly made me question whether I was nonbinary, but radfem ideas had already started seeping into my head and I'm sure I was using them to repress that dysphoria. That's all I can remember.
The lesfem community seeded gender critical ideas and larger radfem princples, including gender socialization, gender as completely meaningless, oppression as based on sex, and lesbian separatism. It made so much innate sense to me, and I didn't realize that was because I was conditioned by the far right from the moment of my birth. Of course women were just a biological class obligated to raise children: that is how I always saw myself, and I always wanted to escape it.
I tried to stay in the realms of TIRF (Trans-Inclusive Radical Feminist) and "gender critical" spaces, because I couldn't take the vitriol on so many TERF blogs. It took so long for me to get to the point where I began seeing open and unveiled transphobia, and I had already read so much and bought into so much of it that I thought that I could just ignore those parts.
In that sense, it was absolutely a pipeline for me. I thought I could find a "middle ground", where I could "center women" without being transphobic.
Slowly, I realized that the transphobia was just more and more disgustingly pervasive. Some of the trans men and butch women I looked up to left the groups, and it was mostly just a bunch of nasty people left. So I left.
After two years offline, I started to recognize I was never going to be a healthy person without dealing with my dysphoria, and I made my way back onto Tumblr over the pandemic. I have realized I'm trans, and so much of this makes so much more sense now. I now see how I was basically using gender essentialism to repress my identity and keep myself in the closet, how it was genuinely weaponized by TERFs to keep me there, and how the ace exclusionist movement primed me into accepting lesbian separatism- and, finally, radical feminism.
The Interview
You mentioned the lesfem community, gender criticals, and TIRFs, which I haven't heard about before- would you mind elaborating on what those are, and what kinds of beliefs they hold?
I think the lesfem community is recruitment for lesbians into the TERF community. Everything is very sanitized and "reasonable", and there's an effort not to say anything bad about trans women. The main focus was that lesbian = homosexual female, and you can't be attracted to gender, because you can't know someone's gender before knowing them; only their sex.
It seemed logical at the time, thinking about sex as something impermeable and gender as internal identity. The most talk about trans women I saw initially was just in reference to the cotton ceiling, how sexual orientation is a permanent and unchangeable reality. Otherwise, the focus was homophobia. This appealed to me, as I was really clinging to the "born this way" narrative.
This ended up being a gateway to two split camps - TIRFs and gender crits.
I definitely liked to read TIRF stuff, mostly because I didn't like the idea of radical feminism having to be transphobic. But TIRFs think that misogyny is all down to hatred of femininity, and they use that as a basis to be able to say trans women are "just as" oppressed.
Gender criticals really fought out against this, and pushed the idea that gender is fake, and misogyny is just sex-based oppression based on reproductive issues. They believe that the source of misogyny is the "male need to control the source of reproduction"- which is what finally made me think I had found the "source" of my confusion. That's why I ended up in gender critical circles instead of TIRF circles.
I'm glad, honestly, because the mask-off transphobia is what made me finally see the light. I wouldn't have seen that in TIRF communities.
I believed this in-between idea, that misogyny was "sex-based oppression" and that transphobia was also real and horrible, but only based on transition, and therefore a completely different thing. I felt that this was the "nuanced" position to take.
The lesfem community also used the fact that a lot of lesbians have partners who transition, still stay with their lesbian partners, and see themselves as lesbian- and that a lot of trans men still see themselves as lesbians. That idea is very taboo and talked down in liberal queer spaces, and I had some vague feelings about it that made me angry, too. I really appreciated the frank talk of what I felt were my own taboo experiences.
I think gender critical ideology also really exploited my own dysphoria. There was a lot of talk about how "almost all butches have dysphoria and just don't talk about it", and that made me feel so much less alone and was, genuinely, a big relief to me that I "didn't have to be trans".
Lesfeminism is essentially lesbian separatism dressed up as sex education. Lesfems believe that genitals exist in two separate categories, and that not being attracted to penises is what defines lesbians. This is used to tell cis lesbians, "dont feel bad as a lesbian if you're attracted to trans men", and that they shouldn’t feel "guilty" for not being attracted to trans women. They believe that lesbianism is not defined as being attracted to women, it is defined as not being attracted to men; which is a root idea in lesbian separatism as well.
Lesfems also believe that attraction to anything other than explicit genitals is a fetish: if you're attracted to flat chests, facial hair, low voices, etc., but don't care if that person has a penis or not, you're bisexual with a fetish for masculine attributes. Essentially, they believe the “-sexual” suffix refers to the “sex” that you are assigned at birth, rather than your attraction: “homosexual” refers to two people of the same sex, etc. This was part of their pushback to the ace community, too.
I think they exploited the issues of trans men and actively ignored trans women intentionally, as a way of avoiding the “TERF” label. Pronouns were respected, and they espoused a constant stream of "trans women are women, trans men are men (but biology still exists and dictates sexual orientation)" to maintain face.
They would only be openly transmisogynistic in more private, radfem-only spaces.
For a while, I didn��t think that TERFs were real. I had read and agreed with the ideology of these "reasonable" people who others labeled as TERFs, so I felt like maybe it really was a strawman that didn't exist. I think that really helped suck me in.
It sounds from what you said like radical feminism works as a kind of funnel system, with "lesfem" being one gateway leading in, and "TIRF" and "gender crit" being branches that lesfem specifically funnels into- with TERFs at the end of the funnel. Does that sound accurate?
I think that's a great description actually!
When I was growing up, I had to go to meetings to learn how to "best spread the word of god". It was brainwashing 101: start off by building a relationship, find a common ground. Do not tell them what you really believe. Use confusing language and cute innuendos to "draw them in". Prey on their emotions by having long exhausting sermons, using music and peer pressure to manipulate them into making a commitment to the church, then BAM- hit them with the weird shit.
Obviously I am paraphrasing, but this was framed as a necessary evil to not "freak out" the outsiders.
I started to see that same talk in gender critical circles: I remember seeing something to the effect of, "lesfem and gender crit spaces exist to cleanse you of the gender ideology so you can later understand the 'real' danger of it", which really freaked me out; I realized I was in a cult again.
I definitely think it's intentional. I think they got these ideas from evangelical Christianity, and they actively use it to spread it online and target young lesbians and transmascs. And I think gender critical butch spaces are there to draw in young transmascs who hate everything about femininity and womanhood, and lesfem spaces are there to spread the idea that trans women exist as a threat to lesbianism.
Do you know if they view TIRFs a similar way- as essentially prepping people for TERF indoctrination?
Yes and no.
I've seen lots of in-fighting about TIRFs; most TERFs see them as a detriment, worse than the "TRAs" themselves. I've also definitely seen it posed as "baby's first radfeminism". A lot of TIRFs are trans women, at least from what I've seen on Tumblr, and therefore are not accepted or liked by radfems. To be completely honest, I don't think they're liked by anyone. They just hate men.
TIRFs are almost another breed altogether; I don't know if they have ties to lesfems at all, but I do think they might've spearheaded the online ace exclusionist discourse. I think a lot of them also swallowed radfem ideology without knowing what it was, and parrot it without thinking too hard about how it contradicts with other ideas they have.
The difference is TIRFs exist. They're real people with a bizarre, contradictory ideology. The lesfem community, on the other hand, is a completely manufactured "community" of crypto-terfs designed specifically to indoctrinate people into TERF ideology.
Part of my interest in TIRFs here is that they seem to have a heavy hand in the way transmascs are treated by the trans community, and if you're right that they were a big part of ace exclusionism too they've had a huge impact on queer discourse as a whole for some time. It seems likely that Baeddels came out of that movement too.
Yes, there’s a lot of overlap. The more digging I did, the more I found that it's a smaller circle running the show than it seems. TIRFs really do a lot of legwork in peddling the ideology to outer queer community, who tend to see it as generic feminism.
TERFs joke a lot about how non-radfems will repost or reblog from TERFs, adding "op is a TERF”. They're very gleeful when people accept their ideology with the mask on. They think it means these people are close to fully learning the "truth", and they see it as further evidence they have the truth the world is hiding. I think it's important to speak out against radical feminism in general, because they’re right; their ideology does seep out into the queer community.
Do you think there's any "good" radical feminism?
No. It sees women as the ultimate victim, rather than seeing gender as a tool to oppress different people differently. Radical feminism will always see men as the problem, and it is always going to do harm to men of color, gay men, trans men, disabled men, etc.
Women aren't a coherent class, and radfems are very panicked about that fact; they think it's going to be the end of us all. But what's wrong with that? That's like freaking out that white isn't a coherent group. It reveals more about you.
It's kind of the root of all exclusionism, the more I think about it, isn't it? Just freaking out that some group isn't going to be exclusive anymore.
Radical feminists believe that women are inherently better than men.
For TIRFs, it's gender essentialism. For TERFs, its bio essentialism. Both systems are fundamentally broken, and will always hurt the groups most at risk. Centering women and misogyny above all else erases the root causes of bigotry and oppression, and it erases the intersections of race and class. The idea that women are always fundamentally less threatening is very white and privileged.
It also ignores how cis women benefit from gender norms just as cis men do, and how cis men suffer from gender roles as well. It’s a system of control where gender non-conformity is a punishable offense.
#transgender#transphobia#trans#transmisogyny#radical feminism#radfem#feminism#transandrophobia#terfs#tirfs#gender critical#nothorses#cult mention#long post
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i really thought hange was non-binary bc the one who said hanges gender was up for interpretation was kodansha us but isayama asked for gender neutral pronouns right?
here!
I’m gonna answer all of the gender asks in one go because for one, I don’t think I wanna flood my own feed and my own tumblr with the same arguments.
I think a lot of the questions on Hange’s gender and the topic of gender and sexuality overall are kinda intertwined and I feel like for anyone who actually reads my stuff, it’s better understood as one big wall of text.
So I was wondering, is that song the absolute proof about hange's gender?
No. I think the interpretation of the song which people are using to prove that Hange’s nonbinary is very western centric. I actually did research around this song and knowing what I know about Japanese culture, I actually interpret the song as a way for Japanese people to break out from gender norms.
For people who are not aware, Japan is incredibly strict with gender norms. The LGBTQ community is not as progressive as it is in Western countries (I mean gay marriage isn’t completely legalized yet). And just looking at it from the stand point of gender roles and gender expectations, despite the progressive thinking, there are a lot of things Japanese men and women have to conform to just to be respected in everyday society. Because in Japan, the community has always been more important than the individual and it’s honestly the same for most asian countries as well.
A lot of the pressure of living in Japan, working with Japanese people is the pressure to conform and I’ve seen my friends do it through small things like getting bangs (because all Japanese women have bangs apparently), wearing make up when going out (because this is generally an accepted for all Japanese people) and always dressing your best because in that manner women are held to an incredibly high standard in Japan. And this goes similarly for men who are constantly pressured to be the breadwinner in the family. If your wife is making more than you, be ready to hear people talk. I know these expectations exist in a Western setting too but Japan is incredibly stiff as a society and this is one reason why, despite having numerous opportunities to moveto Japan myself, I am not at all entertaining that possibility. I have worked in a Japanese company and I hated it and moved to a western company right after six months. I have completely accepted the fact that there is no mobility career wise from a non-Japanese (and a woman at that) in Japanese society.
In conformity, hierarchies etc, Japan is its own monster. That’s why when songs like Jibunrashiku, Hitchcock (by Yorushika) or Shisoukan (by Yorushika) come out, for one it’s in Japanese so I wouldn’t approach the songs from an English and as a Japanese speaker and someone who is pretty familiar with Japanese culture, I can’t help interpret that song as a social commentary for the shitty parts of Japanese society and how they tend to shoot the concept of an ‘individual’ down.
But does that mean I completely shoot down the idea that Hange is NB?
NO. Yams said so himself, Hange’s gender is unknown. But at the same time, Yams recognizes the fact that in the anime and in the live action, Hange is a female. If Yams were that adamant to make Hange NB, I think he would have at least made more of an effort to police how she is depicted in the anime and in the live action.
His exact words were: 「ハンジは彼（彼女）みたいな、ちょっと浮世離れした、枠にとらわれない自由な感じで描きたかったんです。」If I roughly translated it to English, “I wanted to draw Hange as someone otherworldly, free from the confines of gender.”
Tbh, I wanted to avoid these gender asks altogether but I’ve seen the environment in twitter and the ways many people approach gender, particularly ‘nonbinary’ or genderfluid and it really just doesn’t sit well with me. For one, what’s up with all these rules on how to approach our nonbinary and LGBTQ friends? What’s up with all these accusations that if we don’t follow them to a T, then we’re suddenly transphobic or homophobic?
The fact that we’re creating all these rules on how to go about her nonbinary gender for one, just defeats the whole purpose of Hange being a free bird in the first place who wouldn’t have cared and who wouldnt’ ever have been confined to gender in the first place.
I mean the establishment of set rules and social norms on how to navigate gender, sex, sexuality and gender roles is the reason why we had heternormativity in the first place. And what I can see, yes, we did get progressive, we did start recognizing other genders, other ways of thinking but the danger in all this is that, we’re once again creating frameworks and norms about how people that identify as these genders are supposed to act. And this defeats the whole purpose of why we recognized concepts of other sexualities, other genders and breaks from gender roles in the first place.
We wanted to show these people that their feelings are valid, that the way they’re navigating their relationships and their identities are valid and the heternormative society we’ve lived in that has been condemning for so long, was flawed, was wrong.
But the thing is, with the establishment of all these social norms on how to navigate our relationships with LGBTQ people and how to navigate our own gender, sexuality, sex and role is just making us regress back to that shitty heteronormative society of a hundred years ago. Because suddenly, everyone is questioning once again ‘How am I supposed to be feeling if I’m nb?” “How am I supposed to be feeling if I’m trans?” “How am I supposed to be feeling if I’m LGBT?”
And we’re creating these abstract ideas of how exactly, being genderfluid is supposed to feel like. Am I really supposed to be going by ‘they?’ Am I supposed to be uncomfortable with CIS pronouns?
And If I don’t go through this process… If I don’t feel this way then maybe I’m not NB? Maybe I’m not Trans? Maybe I’m not LGBT? And if I don’t conform to this clear cut idea of what NB is which people set up for me, god forbid I might just be transphobic or homophobic.
And Here’s the thing, everyone’s journey to self discovery is unique and there is no exact way to go about your gender or identity. I find it terrifying actually that creating all these clear cut rules have built misconceptions in so many people already on what they are supposed to feel like when they decide to identify with a certain gender which is no different from long ago when people had to hide the fact that they liked people of the same gender because god forbid they might just be persecuted for being gay.
Creating these frameworks, these incredibly strict rules on how someone is supposed to navigate relationships with LGBTs and their own personal identities is only making it all the more dangerous for people who are in the process of discovering themselves.
Back in college, I used to accompany a friend to a clinic when he was starting HRT treatments and before he started them, he had to consult with a doctor and the consultation lasted months. Before all that, they gave him a checklist of ‘feelings,’ which if he does experience them, he checks it and if he does check enough of them and agrees with a huge chunk of them, then he might have gender dysphoria and maybe the HRT treatments and sex reassignment was for him. It was a hundred item checklist, pages full of waivers, warnings and questions about his own experiences with his gender identity. And the fact that he had to consult for months after on that? There must be a reason.
Maybe because the academe realizes, maybe because those adept on the field on gender realize that gender is too complex of a subject to have been boxed into these categories in the first place.
And this whole discourse or I wouldn’t say discourse more of like, this ‘pushing of agendas’ as to say, ‘this is how being gender fluid or non binary is supposed to feel like’ this is how being transgender is supposed to feel like and if you don’t fit it to a T then you’re not transgender or you’re not nb. Or if you don’t fit it all, maybe you’re just transphobic is dangerous for many reasons. Either it gatekeeps people who want to explore their gender further. Or it forces people to have to conform to these and force themselves to ‘feel’ all of these things in the first place.
And god, this is just the gender issue, I haven’t even explored the sexuality, gender roles or biological issue.
i mean pronouns are important but they don’t really reflect someone’s gender??? like there’s people who use he/they, she/they or all pronouns(? they just don’t conform to gender binary ahaha
Given the environment on twitter and having witnessed the bullying first hand that came with one writer who is active on twitter using she/her pronouns for Hange, I feel like my own writing and my own POV on how I go about my writing and how I approach the gender of Hange (since I strictly use she/her) might just be a ticking time bomb and I might find myself at the end of whatever hate war or ‘education’ or as I like to just refer to as bullying, one day.
I believe though I at least have enough knowledge and awareness of the LGBTQ situation and I think I did put a lot of thought already into this before I made my decision to use ‘she’ to refer to Hange.
(And tbh, you can be nonbinary and you can be female at the same time and I’ve written about that multiple times already BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT EVEN IN THE SAME CATEGORY. And creating this mutual exclusivity between being nonbinary and female just kinda invalidates a lot of those people who are still deciding where exactly they fall in this complex web of identity discovery)
As someone who generally mainly hangs out with LGBT people and i have been doing this since high school by the way, and as someone who has tried all the sexualities on the spectrum, I talked to my asexual friends about possibly being asexual, I have experimented with women and sometimes, I just had dry spells and it just so happened that in the end of all these, I fell in love with a guy but I really believe that gender is such a flexible thing and even though I am with aguy right now, I still simp over lesbians, gays, ciswomen, transgenders because simping isn’t about gender.
And these set of rules on how to navigate genders is just invalidating the experiences of people who are flitting in between the two identities and it just hinders the process of self discovery for a lot of people.
Anyway, the point is, there is only one statement I found fundamental when approaching my relationships with the LGBT community and my own perspective on my self identity.
Recognition of someone’s feelings and their journey to a gender identity and the pronouns that come with it are important.
Then someone might go “THEN WHY DON’T YOU RESPECT HANGE’s NON BINARY PRONOUNS. Because just because someone is nonbinary doesn’t mean they automatically go for they. Just because someone is non-binary, doesn’t mean I have to use every single pronoun on the spectrum. The only one who can tell me what pronouns they want used on them is the person in question.
(I actually read an argument somewhere that going for ‘they’ just because someone is NB is transphobic lmfao. Assuming someone’s pronouns is apparently transphobic too lmfao.)
AND HANGE IS FICTIONAL. And we will never hear about which pronoun she would have wanted in the first place and I think the great ‘nontransphobic’ in-between is just letting people interpret characters how they want to interpret characters in this fictional world (And Hange can be both interpreted as nb and female). It’s the policing which makes the whole process of self discovery, the process of navigating genders all the more difficult for a lot of people.
And policing how exactly people should navigate gender and sexuality is just gatekeeping. Hange is everyone’s character. The only gender and sexuality identity people have complete jurisdiction on, is their own. And this policing of what exactly certain journeys to discovery are supposed to feel like is inherently harmful for those who are still in the process of deciding for themselves where they stand.
And going back to what Yams said “I wanted to draw Hange as someone otherworldly, free from the confines of gender/sexuality/gender roles.” I agree with that.
Because even though I do use ‘she’ with Hange, I do not firmly believe that Hange is a cisgender heterosexual female either. I just believe there are so many more layers to her whole identity and I believe similarly for every single person. Just concluding for one’s self that Hange is nonbinary with a very narrow minded view of what non binary just generally defeats the whole purpose of being ‘free from the confines of gender’ and hinders a lot of discourse and analysis on Hange’s identity over all.
I mean, I don’t know if people agree with this but in the decades I have spent with my close friends figuring out their gender identities, changing pronouns, transitioning, coming out to their parents, here is one thing I noticed. They weren’t asking for a celebration of their gender or sexuality, they weren’t asking for all these policing on how people should approach them. All they wanted was for their feelings to be validated, normalized as an everyday occurrence. I think the point of all these LGBTQ discourse (and by extension race and sex discourse) were all there to just make all these different identities normalized and to completely eradicate the concept of a negative bias or an other which was generally plaguing society for a long time.
And as their friends, I have never approached them as this champion who would make sure EVERYONE RESPECTED THEM IN THAT WAY IN TWITTER THEY BELIEVE LGBTQ PEOPLE SHOULD BE RESPECTED. All these nonverbal rules I have set up for myself on how to go about being friends with them is because I wanted them to be happy and comfortable in their shoes. And what were the types of things they appreciated? Me hiding it from their parents until they were ready to come out, me helping make their relationship work with their partner, me respecting the pronouns they requested for themselves, me accompanying them to HRT when their parents refused.
And you know what, that was only a facet of our friendships. My friends’ gender identities and sexualities never dominated discourse. None of them were the ‘token gay friend,’ the ‘token lesbian friend’ or the ‘token asexual friend’ or the ‘token NB friend.’ They were all people I genuinely care about who just happened to have fallen in love with someone of the same gender. They were just people who just happened to be uncomfortable with their original sex. But I would never just describe them as just that. My friend who just so happens to identify as assexual makes a great companion on a night out drinking. My friend who just so happens to be trasngender is really great with logistics and planning and was super helpful and I was eternally grateful when we worked together on that one project. My friend who just happens to be a lesbian has the cutest picture of her girlfreind on her phone screen.
I will memorize their favorite orders, what makes them tick, what makes them such a great companion, their talents, capabilities more than I will remember their gender. And that’s the characetr song in question is called “Jibunrashiku” or in English “just like me.” Because in the end a strict society which creates all these maxims of what exactly people of a certain gender should act would of course birth songs like “Just like me” A society which puts so much emphasis on gender and sex as an identity instead of other things like personality, preferences, skills etc.
And I don’t know if it applies to everyone. But my friends appreciate it because this journey to whatever gender identity they chose wasn’t rooted in some sort of strict framework on how they should be treated according to twitter. It was rooted in their own experiences and how these experiences made them feel.
Do they feel weird in a woman’s body? Do they just don’t feel any romantic attraction to the opposite gender?
Just treat them as how you would treat anyone else you respect. Just be a decent person. Just be a good friend.
Respect their requests for their own personal pronouns. If they need help, help them to the best of your abilities.
And here’s the thing, the approach I use with navigating identities, sexuaities genders are rooted in one very simple concept which can be applied to the race discourse, the feminist discourse etc etc.
Don’t be an ass. Respect people. Don’t reduce people to one facet of their identity. And by extension, when faced with such a dubious situation, think, discern for yourself what’s right or wrong. When there are people educating you, policing you on what is right or wrong, process that information objectively.
All I have here right now is my own opinions on the gender discourse on Hange and my own opinions on the discourse overall.
If you don’t agree with it, then have a nice day and I hope you find something else that will convince you to be more openminded but...
UTANG NA LOOB HUWAG LANG KAYO MAMBULLY NG TAO POTA. MAGHANAP NALANG KAYO NG IBANG PWEDENG GAWIN SA BUHAY MO.
ANG DAMING NASASAKTAN ANG DAMING NATRATRAUMA ANG DAMING NAWAWALANG GANA MAGSULAT KASI DI KAYO NAG-IISIP. PURO TIRA LANG.
Okay thank you for listening. Do what you want with the information up there but I have said my piece.
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Are you friends with any TIMs or TIFs? Are they really that crazy?
Oh I’m friends with a few TIFs, and I’ve dealt with my fair share of TIMs as well
My friends aren’t very unpleasant people or else I wouldn’t be friends with them, in fact the majority of them were people I knew before they identified as transgender. So it was more like watching them slowly descend into gender madness, but they’re aware of my ideas too so if we weren’t friends from before they probably wouldn’t have stuck around. It’s something we joke about occasionally, just having rapidly different views and all. I know they’d never want to speak to me about their gender troubles considering I wouldn’t nearly give them as much validation as their other friends which although makes me feel a tiny bit sad that I can’t be for them with All of their struggles, but its better than me feeding into something which I know may be harmful to them or be a harmful mindset.
TIFs in general (including my friends) all have had either a large amount of internalized misogyny and this immediately reflects in the way they treat or perceive other women after becoming more masculine or “passing” better, or have had something happen to them (whether online or irl) which made them feel like they were never women at all, this doesn’t apply to all of them (just my personal observation)
I’m sure there are some transmascs who are just enjoying the idea of being a man and not hurting anyone (other than themselves i assume?) but yeah, the ones without dysphoria annoy me the most because its really just them running away from the idea of being a woman at all, or those “trans people can be gnc!” posts, those just get me confused on what they even want.
Some TIFs will go through a “not like other girls” phase, which trans ideology eats up like breakfast, and so they decide they’re not a girl at all, or because of the internet, majority of the girls i meet who end up being groomed, flirted with by someone they weren’t interested in, or even sexualized (irl or online doesn’t matter in this instance since it happens in both), they try to escape that they’re a target.
I don’t talk about myself much but I struggle with dysphoria a lot, and before I found radical feminism, I thought I was trans for wanting to escape all my internal thoughts of how a woman should be that were put in my head by the people around me, (being a brown muslim girl specifically didn’t help) and I thought I was somehow different for not enjoying femininity and not liking my body and not wanting to be a baby making machine (since the only women in my life seemed so content with knowing thats all they were supposed to be) but this community really opened my eyes and gave me the courage to realize that I was never different.
Now, I’ve dealt with TIMs, and they really are just as bad as they say. The first one I met was really just role playing as an anime girl whenever he spoke, he had some trauma with his dad which I assume put some ideas of toxic masculinity in his head so thats why he decided he wasn’t a man at all?? Idk i didn’t ask very well but talking to him was extremely uncomfortable. The funniest thing I remember is that he would act so “submissive” to appear more “feminine” with his little stutters in texts and this whole shy persona. And one day I dm’d him and i said “hey, you don’t have to stutter through text, its kind of annoying” (i was 12 at the time mind you, idk how old he was exactly but i think he was 16-18?) and his way of texting immediately changed. He told me to shut the fuck up, and that i had no idea what he had been through and that I shouldn’t comment on anything he does.
Which completely threw me off cause I genuinely thought this guy was supposed to be nice? I didn’t believe for one second that he was a girl with his voice even as a 12 year old on fucking discord but watching him suddenly shift like that was something I remembered later on. I do purposefully avoid TIMs since interacting with them makes my brain fry, I’ve dealt with worse but this was just one mild(?) example, the rest are just misogynistic slurs being thrown at me for speaking up, blatant racism, very defensive behaviour and so on. TIFs are TIMs biggest defenders and I genuinely don’t have any idea why, they say shit like “transmascs have more privilege than transfemmes so check yourself” its hair pulling level stupid.
Thank god I haven’t dealt with anything as crazy as what I’ve seen on radblr but once you’re aware of something you tend to see it everywhere, even in the smallest form, every time I see a trans activism post I’m immediately aware of the extremist lengths a simple instagram post is leading to. Chanting “free2pee” at an lgbt support group isn’t the quirky phrase you think it is, and even if I could answer your question with “oh no, we’re just fear mongering blah blah i love my trans friends” it still wouldn’t dismiss the many other encounters women on radblr have had, they’re in the right for sharing their experiences and boosting the experiences of other women, so my one statement alone shouldn’t exactly be something to fully go off of. You did ask Me this question so yeah I’m just speaking from experience and personal opinion.
#i speak#thanks for asking!#sorry if i get wordy at the end of my answers#i get nervous because i dont wanna answer wrong and ruin someones perception#radfems please touch#terf safe#terfs please touch#radfem safe#radfem#terf#tw grooming#long post
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I haven't had a chance to fully dive into all the goodies last nights video has produced.. nor have I had a chance to read all your thoughts which you know I crave love . I was dumb and watched 3 911 episodes last night ignoring my ig notification that ronen had shared anything so then I had to go to bed bc of work and work has been crqzy. But anyways I just wanted to hear some of your thoughts and say Tarlos officially fried my brain and I really want to write in the spare time I don't have bc of work 🙈🙊 their soft smiles, kisses, possibly meeting the fam, their date (and let's be honest Carlos was hot as fuck sauntering up to the bar announcing he was tks boyfriend... you know someone got laid that night) sorry not sorry 🙈
Anyways hit me with your thoughts when you're free if you want ❤
LISTEN, LAUREN. I am always up to share my thoughts because they never end and they just keep coming and I have to unleash them somehow or I will definitely explode.
My brain was just like, ALL CAPS SCREAMING, for about 7 hours yesterday, so I’ll leave you to explore that hot mess on my blog if you want. 😅 But, in the time since, I’ve seen a lot of discourse and stuff about the moments that we’ve seen, so I’m going to use this ask as an opportunity to weigh in on everything under the cut...
FIRST, CAN I JUST SAY that at the moment that I am writing this post, we are still trending at #5 and we’ve been in the 4-7 range for at least the past, like, IDK, 18-20 hours maybe?! I LOVE THIS FANDOM AND HOW WE LOSE OUR SHIT AT THE SMALLEST THINGS
Okay, so let me go through this thing and comment on the parts, and then give some general thoughts below:
LOVE that this is a promo entirely about the LGBTQIA+ characters and characters of color. Not exactly surprised that they still tried to put as much Rob Lowe in it as possible (that’s Fox/the writers’ M.O. it seems - to squeeze Rob/Owen in whether he fits or not). Some of his comments were a little awkward, I thought (referring to Paul’s trans storyline as “stuff” makes me go 😬), but whatever. He’s not the point of all of this, so that’s the last I’m going to talk about him.
TOMMY VEGA. I AM READY TO STAN. I love Gina Torres, I already love how much heart and soul she is giving just in these quick peeks, I cannot wait to see her in action!
Also let me use this moment to say that while it’s obvious I’m not getting my Grace + Carlos friendship (that’s fine if it stays in fandom, I’ll live), I’m SO GLAD that her and Tommy are gonna be friends! One promo mentioned that Judd has known Tommy before, so it would not surprise me if they’ve been friends for awhile. LOVE THAT.
SPECULATION: This gives me a good time to just throw out a theory that I’ve been thinking about... We know Owen and Gwen are hosting Tommy at their place for a backyard dinner. I assume her husband may be there as well, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Judd and Grace are there too.
I ALSO would not be surprised if this is when one of the nights at Carlos’s place happens, like a parallel of the two dinner parties. That at least keeps every main character involved in both locations. We shall see though.
So this gathering at the firehouse seems like it’s going to be a pretty big scene, probably for episode 1. I think everyone’s gathered so that Owen can announce he’s in remission (we’ll hear him tell TK first, which is the hug that they share earlier in the trailer, I think).
But this gathering also includes a Tommy/Grace moment, a Tarlos moment, the others doing other things kind of moments. It’ll serve the same purpose as a lot of the season 1 bar scenes, and I’m so glad they’ve moved those to the firehouse. I want that place to really start feeling like a home this year.
(I want all of the locations to feel a little more grounded and special, if I’m being honest. Like, I’m SO GLAD that Carlos’s place is going to be a key location this season.)
There are now two instances of Carlos being next to Gwen (standing next to her while Owen makes an announcement and now sitting next to her at the table), so we better get some dialogue between them or I WILL BE SO UPSET. I WANT GWEN TO STAN CARLOS AS MUCH AS I DO.
EVERYONE IS SO CUTE IN THIS SCENE OKAY
TARLOS TARLOS TARLOS TARLOS
Like, WTF is TK’s face in this moment?! He looks so shy and bashful but also so happy and mushy and soft and in love. And then the way that Carlos softens because of how soft TK look?!?! WHAT IS GOING ON?!?! WHY AM I CRYING.
Seriously, I have to know what they’re talking about though to make TK fucking melt like that.
Emergency stuff blah blah blah
TARLOS KISS TARLOS KISS TARLOS KISS TARLOS KISS
IT’S SO FUCKING CASUAL AND PERFECT AND NATURAL AND LITERALLY JUST LIKE A “I came over to grab this food from you but since I’m here I might as well grab a kiss because I can’t help myself”
AND LIKE... Carlos just leans right into it?!?!?!? like it’s something that they do all the time?!?!?! WTF I LOVE THEM
Mateo watches this kiss and kind of looks like he was talking to Carlos, TK, or both of them, so I love that they’re like in the middle of conversation but still like “wait let me kiss my bf because he’s close by and so hot and I love him” SCREAMING
ALSO LET ME BE THIRSTY BUT CARLOS’S SHOULDERS AND BACK?!?!?! TK’S FUCKING ARMS?!?! I’M SO DAMN GAY
Speaking of arms: this rando bartender at the wrestling match (so Covid doesn’t last long on Lone Star, I’m assuming like 2 episodes maybe?) -- I love that they tried to put him in a tight shirt and make him look like a possible threat or something and I’m just like 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
IT’S LIKE THEY’VE NEVER SEEN CARLOS REYES BEFORE
AND THEN THE FUCKING GREEK GOD HIMSELF SAUNTERS UP WEARING A TIGHT FUCKING POLO - CHEST OUT, ARMS JACKED, HANDS IN HIS POCKETS TO DRAW ATTENTION TO HIS DICK AND I’M JUST SCREAMING AT THIS POINT
BOYFRIEND
BOYFRIEND
BOYFRIEND
But, like, seriously, there is no comparison. Carlos is fucking Hercules over here and this no-name wannabe boyband member could be a sand-colored rock for all I care.
YOU CANNOT COMPETE WITH CARLOS REYES, DON’T EVEN TRY IT
I do feel like these two clips (the calendar line and then Carlos’s line) are spliced together but they might not be back-to-back, and I would love to see how TK responds to the flirting before Carlos comes over
HIS FACE IS KILLING ME THOUGH WHEN CARLOS COMES UP
BLESS RONEN
I feel like I *think* I know what he’s thinking, but I also feel like I don’t. Certainly, the scene seems to end with them both smiling and happy, but I wonder if there will be a conversation about jealousy or something?! IDK BUT THEY’RE DEFINITELY GONNA TALK. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.
Someone posted how happy TK is going to be to have a boyfriend who is committed enough to him to be jealous, unlike Alex who didn’t care and cheated on him. I certainly think this could be a great moment for them to establish what this new relationship means for them, and I’m excited to see what they writers have planned.
I JUST LOVE CARLOS REYES THOUGH OKAY I LOVE HIM SO MUCH
How many times is Fox gonna use that clip of him holding his gun though? We get it, he raises his gun. I’ve seen it like 7 times at this point.
I’m not complaining, really. I’ll take his face where I can get it.
LOVING the Marjan clips
LOVING the Grace/Judd clips
LOVING the Paul clips
I LOVE ALL OF MY FAVES
CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THEM DEVELOP THIS YEAR
Hearing Rafa talk about using his voice and speaking for his community just slaughters my heart, I love this man so fucking much and I’m so happy to be discovering him at the start of his career because he is going to go on to do big things and make the world a better place with his positivity and light and love and I’m so excited to follow him on that journey I just love him okay
ALSO THE MAN LOOKS SO FUCKING GOOD WHAT ARE THOSE ARMS I WANT TO DIE
THE FARMER’S MARKET SCENE
Are they shopping for food for the dinner party they’re hosting?! Maybe!
WE MEET SOME OF CARLOS’S PEOPLE
There is so much speculation surrounding who these two people could be, and I’ve heard some super interesting theories about Carlos’s backstory.
I’m gonna be basic though and stick with the fact that I think they’re his parents.
AND IF THEY ARE HIS PARENTS, THEY SEEM SO HAPPY TO MEET TK.
His dad/the man, like, shakes TK’s hand with so much gusto, a giant smile on his face
And Carlos smiles as he hugs his mom/the woman, and she’s smiling too
THEY ALL JUST SEEM SO HAPPY
I CAN’T BELIEVE WE MIGHT ACTUALLY BE AVOIDING THE HOMOPHOBIC PARENTS STORYLINE COMPLETELY
Y’ALL DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH I DO NOT WANT TO SEE THAT TRAUMA
I mean, I don’t know for sure, we’re going to have to wait for the episode. But god, do I hope for it with every fiber of my being. I want their trauma, if they have to have it, to be separate from their sexuality. They’ve done so well with TK so far, I want the same for Carlos. Let the story be fresh, let it be different, LET US HAVE DIVERSE GAY STORYLINES.
Y’ALL THE TEAM HANGING OUT AT CARLOS’S PLACE
I CANNOT
I’LL NEVER BE OVER IT
HE’S PART OF THE CREW. HE’S PART OF THE FAMILY.
IT’S EVERYTHING THAT I COULD EVER WANT FOR HIM OKAY
I’M SO FUCKING HAPPY
THEY ARE SO HAPPY
WE ARE ALL SO HAPPY
I’M CRYING
I’M DEAD
LOL that was a lot but so was this promo.
Now, some somewhat sobering thoughts...
We all know season 1 had a real diversity and inclusion problem, we’ve seen the numbers. We also know that during the promotion for season 1, we ALSO got a diversity promo focusing on the LGBTQIA+ characters and the characters of color. I love that Fox wants to highlight the incredibly talented actors and characters that they have, but all of it means nothing if they are still tokens on the show.
I have full faith that season 2 will be better, that some of the justified anger and frustration made it back to the writers and they internalized it and then make some real changes. However, because we did get a diversity promo last year, I have to remain a little cautious. This promo doesn’t really mean anything and if, somehow, season 2 goes the way season 1 did, it will be another instance of Fox using the characters of color to draw people in without actually giving them screentime and development. Which is a HUGE PROBLEM. So... I’m very excited and very hopeful, but also slightly wary.
Similarly, I’ve seen people say that they’re worried that, while there is so much Tarlos in this promo, this might be all the Tarlos we get this season. I don’t share the same concern, but like the diversity issue, I understand where that comes from. There was a lot of Tarlos in season 1′s promos and, as we now know, they got screentime in episodes 1-3 and then virtually nothing until episode 10.
I kind of lost track of the filming schedule, but I think before they went on the holiday/extended hiatus, they filmed the first 5-6 episodes? Maybe? And we know that we’re getting 14 total this season, which means it’s possible that they haven’t even filmed half of them.
I think the footage that we got in this promo is from, like, 3 or 4 episodes max. Definitely episodes 1 and 2, maybe 4, possibly 5. The crossover is episode 3 and I am still expecting to barely see Carlos in it - I just think it’s going to be very fire heavy one, especially with the members of the 118 coming in to steal screentime. He could be in one scene, maybe? Idk, I’m just not expecting a lot from that episode.
And sure, we could get a lot of Tarlos at the beginning and then nothing for a whole string of episodes, but that also just doesn’t seem possible with the way they’ve restructured the relationship dynamics. Like, it really does seem like Carlos is going to be a part of the family this year, so I think it will be easier to include him and harder to delete him entirely. (Please let him at least appear in every single episode, I don’t want to be so fucking angry like last year.)
Also, if all of these scenes stay in the episodes, we are getting AT LEAST 4 Tarlos conversations - the firehouse, the wrestling match, the farmer’s market, the flirting by the truck - and other scenes of them being in the same space as part of a group. I’m sure there will be even more that we’re just not seeing. I’m very optimistic for this season and for the Tarlos content, and I really don’t think we’ll see the front-loaded imbalance that we saw last season. I think when they get back to filming the later episodes, there will be a good amount of Tarlos content in those, too!
I will say, though, that I am worried we’ve just seen the only kiss that they’ll share in the first 5 or so episodes. I’m just so used to network TV placing a limit on gay kisses, and Idk how much that has really changed in recent years. I truly love this kiss, and I hope there are more, but I would not be surprised if we end the season having only gotten like 2-3. (PLEASE LET ME BE WRONG.)
ONLY TWO MORE WEEKS UNTIL WE FIND OUT FOR SURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#911 lone star#ls spoilers#ls speculation#tarlos#this is like EVERYTHING that is taking up space in my brain okay#mtnofgrace#asks
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I agree with the overly fetished views that fandom seems to have of gay men. As a gay man who’s really short, it’s soooo fuckin weird to have people assume I’m a bottom??? Like, I don’t even know you enough to disclose my sexual life and you’re making? weird? assumptions?? Also, there’s a certain fan artist who shan’t be named who makes a certain shorter character super feminine and it kills me every time
EXACTLY
Urgh I’m sorry fandom makes you feel that way.
I’m gonna put this under a cut as I am about to rant about this topic because it is my biggest gripe within fandom. Don’t read on if you are here for fun happy positive things. Beware fair readers, there be strong potentially offensive opinions and plenty of fandom wank down below...
Fandom is unfortunately filled with CIS het women who like to stereotype and force men into their preconceived internalised misogynistic perceptions that to be short or slender means you are the weak dainty “girl” in the relationship and that’s why whichever character they deem the “girl” is also ALWAYS the “bottom”. It also is the same way fandom tends to muddy the waters between sexual positions top/bottom and BSDM terms dom/sub, where bottoms MUST be submissive as well. Half the time you will see posts talking about character traits which perhaps might indicate a submissive streak, and people will take that to mean that a character is a bottom, when the two do not correlate and it is highly problematic to assume that they do.
It’s so fucking problematic and I don’t think that these (mostly straight cis female) fans realise that by encouraging these harmful stereotypes, they are actually also being totally misogynistic and anti feminist. Women are not all bloody Anastasia Steel’s for christs sake (and don’t get me started on that god awful book/movie series). A women can be tall, broad, muscular, she can be dominant and strong and she can damn well top a man if she wants to.
When it comes to shipping male characters in gay/queer relationships, fandom MUST stop inflicting outdated heterosexual stereotypes on them. It seems like fans find a pairing they like (for instance Dean and Cas) and then immediately have to decide which one of them plays the female role. They then twist and change the characters, their traits, the way they look etc, so that one of them is basically a woman. That character then MUST be the submissive bottom and URGH I HATE IT.
(Making a quick note to say that whilst these particular common stereotypes within fandom are very much a problem, this is not to be confused in any way with fans taking their fave characters and headcanoning them as trans or nb or anything else genderwise which reflects an even more marginalised group and is usually a type of fanwork created by fans who are in fact trans or nb themselves.)
I’m not gonna comment on specific artists, but I tend to block urls of bloggers whose stuff I feel is particularly problematic and I also now have the WONDERFUL post blocker xkit extension OMG it is a GODSEND I highly recommend it. If you keep seeing a post on your dash because everyone is reblogging it even though it is super squicky to you (like for instance an obviously feminised Cas or Dean is squicky for me) you can use the extension to block that particular post so you never have to see it again regardless of how many of your mutuals reblog it. Its amazing!
I know that on this hellsite we like to encourage everyone to be as creative as possible and that everyone is valid and we don’t kinkshame and everything etc etc, and I’m all for that, whatever floats your boat and all that. But there is a line, and the line is when what you are doing becomes offensive to the marginalised groups you are supposedly supporting. Like I really don’t care if you are into tentacle sex or hell, even a furry, but I do care if the only way you can comfortably support a gay ship is to force either of the male characters into a “female” template and give them a “self lubricating asshole”. Like... come on. This is why I hate A/B/O. If you have to force gay men to fit a hetero model, you aren’t supporting gay men, you are fetishising them. You are also probably kinda homophobic.
What I really hate about this stuff is how it always seems to be the problematic stuff like this that blows up and becomes a trend and suddenly everyone is jumping on board and no one is given a second thought to how fucked up it is. WHY IS A/B/O EVEN A THING?!? It started as a J2 beastiality fic like WHY DID IT BECOME SO POPULAR?!
Why is Twist & Shout so bloody popular too? Its not even in character. They aren’t even Dean and Cas! Cas is a pale skinny little TWINK?! WHHHHYYYY? I don’t understand it if you ship Destiel wouldn’t you at least want the characters you are reading about to BE Dean and Cas?!? Don’t get me wrong I love AU fics, but I still want to be able to picture and hear Dean and Cas in the characters being described.
Why was it such a thing in the early seasons to make Cas a girl? (that’s hyperbole obviously but he might as well have been based on some of the early fanfics/fanart I’ve seen and immediately noped out of.) Misha Collins has never looked anything like that! He’s never been feminine looking and just because the dude can pull off a dress doesn’t mean you can force him to suddenly be the cute tiny pale perfect curvy pretty submissive beauty you can’t help but imagine Dean with. If you want that for Dean, ship him with Lisa. Stop forcing Cas into a model that just doesn’t make sense for the character.
This goes for Dean as well of course. The dude may have a thing for pink panties and ballet shoes and taylor swift sure, but can we not feminise him to the point he is unrecognisable as the character please?
I know that a lot of this has routes in YAOI. Something I have generally avoided because quite frankly it disgusts me. I find the whole thing just super uncomfortable and messed up and see it purely as a straight womans fetish. So much of fandom shipping behaviour comes from YAOI and its caused a lot of the toxicity we have seen over the years. I think it has got a lot better in recent years though because the queer community is slowly gaining a monopoly in fandom (imo) and as they (we, I should say, as my bisexual ass has quite clearly had enough of this) become more interested in shipping and fandom culture, we can also start educating those straight fans who might be willing to listen and learn. Maybe one day we can say goodbye to the problematic trends of today, or at least, keep them on the fringes of fandom as more and more people wake up to the fact that they are harmful.
And if that means I never have to look at an image of a short pale “pretty” Cas with womanly hips again, I’ll crack open the prosecco and consider it a win.
#phew#that was theraputic#but seriously#don't read under the cut if you think you might be offended#because you happen to enjoy overly feminising characters#just don't bother#i'm not gonna get into a debate about this#these are my opinions after all#if however you also find the feminisation of your fave characters disturbing#and are sick of seeing assumptions and stereotypes of gay men#then by all means read on#destiel#fandom problems#homophobia in fandom#misogyny in fandom#fetishes in fandom#wank for ts#asks#anon#Anonymous
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okay I know it seems like I'm shitposting here and I am, but... I'm also not.
as a trans person I'm finding the online world increasingly stressful to navigate (the real world continues to be exactly as stressful as it always was, but online was MEANT to be better). it feels like everywhere I look there's outrage and violence and the only stories people seem interested in telling about people like me are full of violence of the variety that specifically happens because they're trans (so none of this "well everyone in this book suffers").
and like. I would get it, if they were trans authors. I have written books like that myself, as an act of catharsis, as an act of processing all the bullshit fuckery of this world. I have read books by trans authors that explore transphobia and left me sobbing and hollowed out and yet still felt like a reclamation and an act of validation because ultimately they were about a trans character facing down violence and surviving, not being narratively punished for the act of daring to be trans in a story that didn't want them.
and sometimes, you know, the differences are subtle. there's no checklist: this is okay to write, this isn't, cis people can say x but not y. but there's just something underlying about those stories where you can TELL if the person who wrote them is writing as an act of personal catharsis, digging deep into their own fears and experiences, or if they're doing it as a tearjerker/because they think that's genuinely what all trans narratives are like. and after a while you start to believe that it is, because that fucks you up, never getting to see stories where you just exist. or even just getting to see stories where the violence you face isn't for character development, it's a shitty obstacle that you move past. I'm not even asking for happy stories at this point. I just don't want the crux and turning point of my life to be how others choose to degrade me.
and if it's not shitty ya fiction it's terfs in academia unwilling to find a modicum of human decency, writing letters about how outraged they are about the idea of *gasp* using somebody's correct pronouns. and it's replies on twitter to people who call this out, telling us we're delusional and wrong. and it's queer discourse and exclusionists and everyone who ever makes you doubt if you're even allowed to have community and support. and it's ex-friends where you're never sure why they cut you off but you think it's something to do with your relationship to queerness vs theirs and you know you're better off without someone who thinks you're not "queer" enough when every goddamn day of your life is a battle bc you don't adequately perform gender to anyone's standards, but you still kinda miss them and you wish there was a way you could fix this.
and then you go out into the real world and it's a two year wait for an initial appointment at the GIC and god knows how many years after that before surgery is on the table, and it's being asked why you're in one set of public toilets even while you know you'd never pass well enough to use the other, and it's your family continuing to call you by gendered terms and the wrong pronouns (and being GRATEFUL for that because at least they didn't kick you out or yell at you and you learn to be happy with such small crumbs when you see your friends starving), and it's being terrified every time you go somewhere new because you don't know whether to come out or not, and it's taking off your pronoun pin when you take the bus home, and it's lying on forms you can't fill in honestly and being given a title that isn't yours and answering to the wrong name and endless bureaucratic violence
and I'm just
so goddamn TIRED
and it feels like every time I'm online a weight just settles heavier on my chest, the world screaming at me to stop existing like this. all I want is to exist. all I want is to feel safe. but I'm never safe, because I don't adequately Do Gender the way you want me to do gender. I can be mistaken for a boy and then for a girl, five minutes apart in the same outfit and context, and I have no idea what "gender signals" I'm giving out to give people that impression, so I don't even know what I'd have to do to consistently appear as one thing or another. I can't hide! I can't be anything other than visibly queer! and I want to CELEBRATE that because that's always what I wanted, to be difficult to put in a box, yet these days all I can think about is how dangerous it is, how easily it could be used against me
the world is so much better than it was five years ago. the world is exactly as bad as it was five years ago. the world is more aware of people like me and that means there are more people who know enough about me to hate me.
I am so tired of being afraid.
I am so tired of murdering myself a little every day to avoid it all. of that endless self-violence of swallowing pronouns and names and corrections, of taking off my badges or walking a different route, of deciding CONSTANTLY "this isn't worth the fight we'd have about it", because I know that it doesn't matter what I say, it's never going to change the attitudes of the people around me: it will only make me unsafe.
I'm so tired.
and so, at this point, I just want to lie down in a bog and let it have me. because there's no discourse in the bog. no terfs in the bog. just a stubborn fuck you refusal to disappear: you want my body gone, but my body will STILL BE HERE. my self will still be here. I refuse to decompose under your hatred, to shed my skin and let my bones crumble away until I become what you want me to become. years after your bigotry loses its power, I'll have stuck around. wrinkled, maybe, and tougher than before, but this bog body ain't rotting.
fuck terfs. bog mummies say TRANS RIGHTS
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***PLEASE DO NOT REBLOG***
I knew it was only a matter of time before something like this happened. Considering how much the owner hates me and likes the play the poor, pitiful victim, I’m not at all surprised one of his little fans took it upon himself to “warn” the community about me.
The fools really should have made the posts private just in case I happened to stumble upon them. But then again, I never pegged them to be particularly intelligent. So I suppose I have that in my favor.
I’m sure you’re all well aware of the “famous” Official Inuyasha group on Facebook. This was posted to it just a few hours ago. I’m not a part of this group, however somebody on here was kind enough to alert me to this, and they will remain anonymous so they don’t receive any backlash from this post, but I hope they know they have my plentiful gratitude.
I struggled all day on whether or not to make a post about this. But then I decided, y’know what, I have a goddamn right to defend myself against the above bullshit, so fuck it. Here I am, about to address every libelous accusation this Seth person - whom, mind you, I have never talked to before in my life and I have no idea who the hell he is - has just callously tossed out there.
First and foremost, because this accusation really dug deep and because it’s pretty much the foundation of this bullshit, I want to address the so called fact that I attacked Official Inuyasha - I’m going to call him OIY from here on out - because he’s trans.
False.
I will say this as many times as I have to--I do not give a flying fuck that he’s trans. I don’t. That literally has nothing at all to do with my opinion of him, and this Seth dude is just grasping at the most obvious reason, or so he thinks, for my “attacks.” I also want to point out that I also don’t give a shit that his fiance is trans.
I have gay friends. I have lesbian friends. I have trans friends. I have bi friends.
I myself am motherfucking bisexual.
So for this guy that I’ve never even talked to before to sit there and indirectly claim that I am in any way, shape, or form trans- or homophobic? He’s off his goddamn rocker.
I will say it again:
I. DO. NOT. CARE.
Oh, and the whole “attacking people I don’t like just because”? Also false, but that goes without saying. Or at least I like to think it does. I also don’t give a rat’s ass that he changed his name to Inuyasha. Do I find it strange? Sure. Do I have a problem with it personally? No.
Concerning me sending my friends to attack people I don’t like--um, no?? God, I would never, ever ask my friends to do that for fear of retaliation against them. I can say with the utmost confidence that my friends are fiercely protective, very loyal, and they will voluntarily stand up and defend me without me asking them to. They all know I love them to death and I appreciate them all so much. They have my back, and I have theirs. I don’t send them to say anything on my behalf--they do that all on their own, and I sure as hell ain’t gonna stop ‘em. People can argue that I have them fight my battles for me, but I disagree. They are my allies, my reinforcements, my backup when I grow weary. Every battle needs them, no? I hope they know that they are so appreciated, very loved, and they have my undying gratitude. I don’t expect them to defend me either, and they know it. All I ask is that they support me in my time of need, and the fact that they rise up to the occasion without question, defend me, support me and protect me at all costs just goes to show what kind of amazing, wonderful people they are and I wouldn’t trade them for the world.
Regarding the statement that I attacked Seth himself. As I mentioned before, I have no goddamn clue who this guy is. I didn’t even know he existed before my anon friend notified me, and browsing his profile gleans zero recognition. So where the hell is he pulling this shit from? Oh, and I would love to see these proposed screenshots that are “too detailed to post,” mind you, depicting me attacking him. I will show anyone who asks a screenshot of my messages, both on here and on Facebook if they want proof. And I never delete them either--I have messages from like...2015 or some shit.
The discord chat. Seth has conveniently failed to mention the fact that OIY himself joined that chat, and deliberately went through every single channel and searched my name. He found messages I had sent last year that don’t prove anything other than the fact that I think his “beautiful edits” are bogus, but that’s it. Nothing else. My friends and I discussed it briefly, but we never “talked shit” about him. So once more, he’s pulling false facts out of his ass to make me seem like such a horrible person.
I’m not even going to touch the “he never steals artwork and gives credit” because I have some strong opinions on that, but would rather not get into it since this post isn’t about that.
“I make fun of his cosplay and looks.” I”m assuming he’s referring to that post of OIY in full cosplay with fake black eyebrows. Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t find the actual post anywhere on this site, so I suspect it might have been deleted, but if anyone is truly curious, here’s a screenshot that was attached to the above post. So after viewing that, someone please enlighten me how saying “Thanks, I hate it” is, in fact, making fun of his cosplay and/or looks? Yeah, I haven’t a clue, either. But whatever, go off, I guess.
“I make up lies and brainwashes everyone into thinking it’s truth.” Well, shit, guys, why didn’t somebody tell me I can brainwash people? Because this sure as hell is news to me. What lies are these, exactly? Any idea? No? Hmmm. Welp, anyway, I can attest that this is also false. If I can magically brainwash people I sure as shit wouldn’t be working a job that barely gets me by. And who do I lie to? My friends already support me and carry the same opinions, so it can’t be them. And I take pains to avoid anything and everything that has to do with OIY just for this exact purpose because it’s a pain in my ass. I don’t like the guy. Big fucking whoop. Who cares. Grow the fuck up and move on, Jesus Christ. So, no, you can bet your ass I’m not spreading around lies to random strangers about something I give zero fucks about.
There. I think I addressed everything in that atrocity of a paragraph. The comments on that post are less than pleasant - I’ll spare you the details, but most of them included various degrading names and ridiculous statements - and I find myself just...incredulous that these people, who don’t even know me, so readily agree with something that has no basis of fact. It astounds me that they accept this bullshit as truth just because someone says it is without seeing for themselves first. Talk about blind faith. Very misguided/misinformed blind faith.
It truly does sadden me that people are so quick to judge without getting facts, but that’s the way of the world, isn’t it.
Moving on, I suppose this post can be considered as an open letter to Seth Whiterun, and any of OIY’s followers that happen to see this. So please, feel free to reblog this all you want. Reblog it once, twice, ten times. I want them to see it. I want to right the wrong that Seth has so callously dealt me and have the chance to defend myself given that he made a post to a group that I am not a part off like a damned coward, knowing there was little chance of me seeing it.
Well, surprise, Seth Whiterun. I saw it.
I want them to come to me. This directly involves me, no one else. What right does Seth have to say any of that? Absolutely none.
I am tired of this. How many times do I have to put up with this? This is so mentally exhausting and I just want to be left alone. Again and again I’m having to deal with this complete and utter bullshit because some asshat with a hero complex decides that it’s his job to “warn” the community of this toxic person with, need I remind you, zero evidence in which to prove himself with. Or at least evidence with any credible standing.
This entire situation is old. Am I dealing with children? Why can’t they just let sleeping dogs lie and put it behind them? I sure as hell have - or at least I’m trying to, but then shit like this happens and I’m dragged right the fuck back into it because of course I’m not going to just sit there and let this guy slander my name. Did he think I was going to remain quiet about this? WRONG.
Now that I’ve said my piece, I want to implore you my dear followers and friends, please, please, please DO NOT contact Seth Whiterun or Official Inuyasha. I understand if you get angry on my behalf, but please, I don’t want to get you mixed up in this. If Seth has the balls to confront me himself, or one of OIY’s followers, or even the guy himself, then by all means, they are free to come forward and we can discuss like this adults. Otherwise, please don’t go attacking Seth or OIY because that will just affirm to them that I do send my friends after them, and I really don’t want that.
I think that about covers it. I wanted it to be known that if you happen to hear any of this bullshit, please be aware that it is untrue, and I am more than happy to answer any question directly. Message me. Send an ask. I will clear up any confusion or misinformation. Don’t assume something is true just because you read it somewhere--get the facts from the source first.
There you have it. Grow a pair, Seth, and confront me yourself.
I’ll be waiting.
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We’ll Carry On - Chapter Fifty
We’ll Carry On Tag
General Content Warnings: Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Substance Abuse, Abandonment, Minor Character Death, Transphobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociation, Bullying, Homophobia
July 13th, 2018
Roman didn’t understand. There was a woman walking down the street, and people were laughing and jeering at her. She had a bit of a five o’clock shadow, and her jaw was a little more square than most women, but she was wearing a dress and she had breasts, so she had to be a woman, right?
He didn’t say anything as she passed him, but he smiled kindly at her and mouthed, “You’re beautiful.”
She lit up like he had just hung the moon and signed something, that Roman thought was a “Thank you.”
“Roman!” the horrible woman shouted. “Don’t socialize with those types! You will not be that in my house!”
Roman cringed, but he stood by his words. He thought the woman was truly beautiful.
June 16th, 2020
Roman was excited. Some might say a little too excited, but no one could really blame him. He was going through his freshman orientation at the local high school, and had signed up for all his classes, making sure to pick Drama as one of his class choices. As his backup, he had put Drawing and Pottery, because both of those could be pretty cool, too, but he really hoped he got to have Drama as his art course.
The high school was a big place, but right now, he was just eating lunch with Chad and a few of the kids they had gotten to go on a tour of the buildings with. All of them were talking about what classes they wanted to take and clubs they wanted to join with wide eyes. Roman knew he had a bit of the excitement bug too, but his was curbed somewhat. “Trust me, guys, it seems cool now but there’s gonna come a day where you can’t wait for summer break,” Roman said. “Logan insists that he’s ready for winter break by October.”
“Your older brother is hardly a paragon of knowledge,” one of the girls, Ellie, snorted.
“True, but he’s going to be a senior next year, so I think he knows what he’s talking about,” Roman said. “Anecdotally speaking.”
“Mm, I agree with Roman,” one of the boys, Rocky, said. “My older sister can’t stand going to high school by November.”
“Wait, is your brother Logan Picani?” a third kid, a girl by the name of Maria, asked.
“Yes? Do you know him?” Roman asked. Suddenly he felt like he needed to be on guard and he didn’t know why.
“My older brother knows her. She’s the transsexual that was in his calc class,” Maria said. She wrinkled her nose. “Personally, I don’t understand why anyone would make that sort of life choice.”
Roman blinked once. Twice. Saw red for a couple seconds. Took a deep breath. Laughed with ice and venom blending together in his voice. “Okay, first of all, he is transgender, not transsexual. Transsexual is an outdated term that many people in the community find offensive, from what I’ve been told. Second of all, being transgender is not a choice. He wanted to be true to himself and because his parents disagreed, he was kicked out. So my dads adopted him. Being transgender isn’t easy. It brings all sorts of unwanted attention, and Logan has told me that if he had the chance to be cis, with either gender on the binary, he would take it.
“He gets all sorts of rude comments, from people who are close-minded bigots like your brother. And if you point me in the direction of your brother, I’d love to knock some common sense and LGBT terminology into his head. Especially considering that I’m bi and would like to be respected that way. So, let’s see: my dads are a gay couple, my older brother’s trans and queer, I’m bi, one of my younger siblings is nonbinary. Is there anything else I can say about my family that would disgust you into leaving this group and never calling my brother a transsexual again?”
Maria stared at him, shock and disgust warring for control on her face. “How could you possibly encourage that sort of thing?! Don’t you know you can go to Hell for that?”
“Provided that even is true, which I severely doubt, Hell will be fabulous and I will happily live with my brothers, my sibling, and my two dads there for all eternity. But if you can go to Hell for being gay, why would a higher power even make gay people? Huh? Riddle me that!”
“It’s obviously a test,” Maria snapped back. “Proving that you’re strong in your faith, and you won’t give in to the temptation of sexual desires!”
Roman blinked. “Wow. I...just...wow. I feel really sorry for you, Maria. Your parents must be real pieces of work for you to believe that.”
Maria huffed and crossed her arms. “Whatever. I don’t approve of your choices, but we can still be friends. Love the sinner and hate the sin.”
“Uh, no, we can’t be friends, because the ‘sin’ you’re hating is literally a piece of me. Frankly, if you believe all that BS that you just spouted, I wouldn’t want to be friends with you anyway. That’s just wrong on so many levels.”
Maria growled, grabbed her lunch, and stood. “Well, then. I hope you enjoy Hell, because that’s where you’re going!”
“God is dead, and the gays killed Him!” Chad hollered after her back, laughing.
“Oof, I’m glad we avoided that one early,” Ellie said.
“Yeah,” Roman agreed. “Honestly, I don’t think that Hell...is a place? Exactly? And you certainly don’t go there for loving someone who’s the same gender as you.”
Murmured agreement came from the whole group. “What does nonbinary mean?” Rocky asked.
“Oh, it just means you don’t feel like you’re a boy or a girl,” Roman said, returning to his lunch.
There was a beat of silence before Rocky asked, “There’s a word for that?!”
“Yes...?” Roman asked. “Do you feel like that fits you?”
“Yeah, a little!” Rocky agreed. “I always felt like...kind of a boy, kind of not? It’s confusing. But I don’t have to be a boy, I can be nonbinary!”
“Yeah! Look up nonbinary stuff online, you’ll learn a bunch, and you might find a more specific label that you like,” Roman encouraged.
Rocky pulled out his phone with a grin and Chad laughed. “Well, today is a day full of discoveries, huh?” he asked. “I think I see my parents pulling up, though, so I’ll have to say goodbye for now. I’ll see you guys around this summer, and at school in September!”
“Yeah, see you!” Roman said, as everyone else bid Chad goodbye, too.
Soon after, Roman saw Logan pull up in the school parking lot, and get out of the car. Unfortunately, Maria was walking over to a car two spaces down, and a guy who looked like he could be a linebacker for the football team was waiting for her. Roman said his goodbye’s quickly and jogged over to Logan. “Hey, man, let’s get out of here,” Roman hissed. “That girl with the freckles? Massive transphobe, and her brother—”
“I’m well aware of who her brother is,” Logan said coolly. “Jeremy has seen fit to torment me ever since I legally got my name changed. Insists on using it only because it’s what’s on my papers, but claims that because I’m still ‘Female’ on my birth certificate-which he doesn’t even know for sure-that he can use ‘she’ and ‘her’ for me. He’s a brat.”
Roman pulled a face. “Gross.”
“Indeed,” Logan said.
Maria caught a glimpse of them and stalked over, her brother following behind. “He’s the one! He’s the one who said that I’m wrong!”
“Well, yeah, you are wrong,” Roman said. “I’m not going to Hell. Even if I were, I would be happy to go.”
“Should have known he was the brother of the tranny, here,” Jeremy sneered.
Roman scowled and balled his hands into fists, sucker-punching Jeremy hard right below the ribcage. Jeremy crumpled inward, gasping for air. “Don’t call my brother that word ever again!” Roman bellowed. “C’mon, Lo. Let’s blow this popsicle stand.”
“No complaints from me,” Logan said. They both got in the car and drove away. Once they were on the road, Logan said, “You realize Dad and Ami are probably going to get a very angry call from either that idiot’s mother or someone from the school?”
“Eh,” Roman said with a shrug. “Worth it.”
“I certainly hope so,” Logan sighed, “Because you just put a giant target on your back.”
Roman shrugged again. “I’m not going to stand by while you get insulted, Logan.”
“You sound just like Jack,” Logan said with an eye-roll. “It’s annoying. Cute, in a way, but definitely annoying.”
Roman gave Logan a grin. “That’s a high compliment you know. Sounding like your boyfriend.”
“Keep telling yourself that,” Logan said, shaking his head and smirking.
“Oh, so I guess I should tell your boyfriend your highly-esteemed opinion of him?” Roman asked, snatching Logan’s phone from the cupholder it had been residing in.
“Roman!” Logan shrieked indignantly, using one hand to blindly grab for his phone even as he kept his eyes on the road. “Give me that!”
Roman gleefully held it out of Logan’s reach as he dictated what he was typing. “Hey Jack...Roman here. Your boyfriend thinks that comparing someone to you...isn’t...a...compliment! Ha!”
“Give it back!” Logan exclaimed, lunging for the phone and yanking it free of Roman’s grasp, at the price of nearly swerving off the road.
“Too late, it’s already sent!” Roman exclaimed.
Logan locked his phone and dropped it back in the cupholder. “I hate you.”
Roman laughed unapologetically. “This is Jack, Lo. I doubt he’d break up with you over that. If anything, he’ll probably just respond with a ‘mood’ and be done with it.”
“I’m not worried about me, I’m worried about you,” Logan said.
As if on cue, Roman got three text alert messages in a row, and he could see they were all from Jack. More kept coming, and he arched his eyebrows. “How many texts is Jack going to send?”
“Probably around fifty,” Logan said casually. “Most of them about stealing my phone to send text messages, a couple calling you a snitch, some memes, at least one asking if I’m driving and that’s how you got to send the text, and the final two will probably be a ‘thank you for telling me’ and ‘but mood.’”
Roman watched his text count go up and his blood pressure with it. “This is ridiculous,” he muttered.
“This is Jack,” Logan said with a laugh. “It’s how he is always.”
“Doesn’t that get exhausting?” Roman asked.
“Well, he’s always tired, but I doubt that’s the reason,” Logan said. “If that’s the only life you ever know, and the only attitude you’ve ever had, I doubt it would be as exhausting as it is to you now.”
Roman made a huh noise. “Don’t you ever get overstimulated talking to him?”
Logan glanced at Roman. “I mean, sometimes, I guess. But not usually. I’ve gotten used to his energy, as it’s grown as both of us grew. To me, he has the same energy levels as he did when we were in kindergarten and he asked if he could call me ‘Jessie.’”
“Did you slug him for that?” Roman asked.
“Well I didn’t know I was trans yet,” Logan said. “So I wouldn’t have punched him over that. I just really hated the nickname. Though I don’t think I punched him for it. Because he asked once and then never again. Apparently I looked completely disgusted at the thought of being called that.”
Roman got quiet, all of his current questions answered. A thought occurred to him, along with a new question. “Do you think of yourself as...you know...your deadname, when you think back into the past?”
Logan hummed. “You know, I try not to, but when I think back to before I realized I was trans, I almost always think of myself as either ‘Jessica’ or ‘pre-Logan.’ I know most trans people eventually adjust and they say, ‘When I was a little boy,’ or ‘This is a picture of a tiny whatever-their-name-is.’ I haven’t made that adjustment. I’m not sure I’m ever going to, at this point.”
“That’s fair,” Roman said. “I don’t ever think of you as...as that, but—”
“Roman, you can say it. You can say Jessica, it’s not a dirty word,” Logan said. “So long as you don’t call me by that as if it were still my name, you can use it around me. It took me a while to distance myself from it, but now I can hear the name without flinching. You don’t ever think of me as Jessica. Just the sentiment behind that means I trust you to use that name, just never on me.”
“Yeah. I don’t ever think of you as Jessica, but it’s weird seeing traditionally feminine clothing on you. Jack showed me some old yearbooks, and I nearly got whiplash,” Roman said. “And I’ll always use Logan when referring to you, even as a little kid. Because the whole, ‘back when he was a she’ or ‘when current name was deadname’ thing is just scummy, especially if you don’t have permission to out that person.”
Logan smiled. “You’re one of the good ones, Roman. Thank you. Would you be willing to go to the GSA next year?”
“Definitely,” Roman said, nodding. “Especially because you’re Vice President.”
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@fallenhero-rebirth
I finished these somewhat recently and I’m really not liking them, but I guess they’ll be my first post on my empty ass art blog. I can’t draw humans and there’s so many anatomy issues 😭but hey, I’m trying to learn so that’s something.
This is my Sidestep Dimitri Sol and his puppet Eden Moriah. Dimitri looks grumpy here but he’s actually a very playful jokester. Also, Dimitri’s face is entirely based on Liam Samuels but I might not have done a great job of replicating that ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Fallen Hero: Rebirth is my favorite Choice of Games book (my favorite piece of written fiction, in fact) and I’m deeply in love with the universe surrounding the story. I’ve followed it since it was first introduced on the COG WIP forum I think three years ago, and it has remained close to my heart since then. Dimitri has been such a dear character to me since I first played the demo for Rebirth.
Under the cut is a ridiculously long info dump about Dimitri. Warnings: Spoilers for Rebirth and the Retribution demo. Brief mentions of self-harm and panic attacks.
General:
Dimitri is a mixed race gay trans man. He’s charismatic and humorous, though how he presents himself depends on if he’s around people he trusts or not. Around strangers, he’s reserved, talks less, and tends to observe and watch everything and everyone around him. He’s a bit flighty around strangers as he honestly expects them to turn on him at any moment, whether in a violent way or not. Around people he trusts, he’s rather high-spirited and playful. He likes to tease people and get under their skin in a friendly way (even though some people, like Chen, don’t see this as friendly). He is an unintentional flirt with everyone and doesn’t even notice (which makes him a massive hypocrite because he gets extremely jealous and petty when Ortega does the same exact thing). However, someone expressing legitimate love and affection to him would completely fluster him. He turns into such an embarrassed mess. When he’s hurt or angry he attempts to use humor to mask it but sometimes the anger can lead to him making cruel and rude jokes in an attempt to hurt the person that hurt him. When he’s truly upset or has a panic attack he tends to curl up and hide himself away. Being in a small, hidden corner somewhere puts him at ease, especially if someone he trusts is with him and is holding him and helping calm him down.
As a tactician, he prefers to leave the front-line fighting to others. He’s more of a thinker and planner than a fighter.
He’s good with technology. He’s very creative and loves to tinker with tech. He’s a massive fucking nerd someone please beat him up.
He has the sugar vice and as such has a massive sweet tooth and finds sweet food very comforting. If he wasn’t poor and was actually willing to spend money on his own happiness he’d constantly buy sweets non-stop.
He agreed with Ortega that he should see a therapist and desperately hopes she can really help him. Even though he doesn’t have the suicidal Heartbreak scar and isn’t suicidal, he has self-harmed in the time after Heartbreak as a form of punishment, though this habit lessened after Ortega found him. He tends to forget to care for himself, such as not eating enough or sleeping adequately (though that particularly is more of a very conscious attempt to avoid his constant nightmares). Since meeting Ortega again, he has gotten somewhat better about taking care of himself. He’s poor and refuses to spend more than the bare minimum on himself, preferring to keep what money he has for Eden or his goals. This results in him neglecting himself.
He doesn’t understand why anyone would, or could, fall in love with him since he sees himself as unworthy of love. He views himself as a broken mess and a poor knock-off of a real human. It just confuses him how anyone can care about him in any positive way, friend or lover. Regardless, he is quite greedy and craves love and affection, affection-starved disaster that he is. Despite being paranoid about people touching him and finding out about his tattoos, he is BIG on physical contact. He’s incredibly tactile when he’s with someone he trusts (he and Ortega are two peas in a pod).
Relationships:
Ortega and Anathema were very close friends with Dimitri. The three were troublemakers and constantly terrorized the rest of the Rangers with their antics. Anathema’s death really hurt him and is the subject of many of his nightmares. He also blames himself for Anathema’s death. He viewed him like a big brother.
His close friendship with Ortega quickly turned into a romantic relationship. The two pick back up in Rebirth. Ortega sappily calls him “Mi Sol” (ironically, someone in the Fallen Hero Discord apparently also has a Sidestep that Ortega calls that because of their name). He will deny it to himself, but Ortega is the most important thing in his life and he can’t stop himself from loving him. He accidentally love triangled himself with Eden by being too much like his flirty self around Ortega whenever he’s Eden.
Since coming back, he has tried to get closer to Chen and really tries to help Chen get a better understanding of him. He does like to tease him, though (God help Chen when he discovers that he’s had a big crush on Ortega, the teasing will never end). He will end up in a polyamorous relationship with Ortega and Chen, once he and Chen stop being dumbass gay disasters with each other. Ortega is already done with their inability to communicate like functioning humans.
Dimitri respects Argent as a powerful and intelligent fighter. She may not think much of him yet but they can probably bond in their love of sweet food and their habit of stealing everyone else’s food. His flirty nature got Argent to crush on his villain persona, which confused his gay ass.
The way Herald treats him confuses him, particularly his genuinely nice disposition towards him and his admiration for him, not to mention poor Herald’s crush. He trains him to be a better hero (honestly Herald, you are embarrassingly easy to beat up) and he is finding himself actually liking the kid. He has like a hundred nicknames for Herald (Barold is probably his favorite) and loves to fluster him. It’s amusing to see how embarrassed he can make him.
He and Dr. Mortum have a close relationship and Dimitri considers him a close friend. Around Mortum, he’s much more natural and true to himself, which shocks him as he didn’t expect to like Mortum this much. He loves to nerd out with Mortum in his lab.
Yes, he has flirted with all of the Rangers and Dr. Mortum (and will flirt with any other characters if it’s an option). Please stop him, he doesn’t even mean to do it most of the time.
He does his best to be respectful of Eden’s body as he still sees him as a person, albeit one that won’t wake up, as opposed to an empty shell or a tool. Eden’s body simultaneously relieves his dysphoria and worsens it. While it makes him feel good to be in a body that isn’t branded as nonhuman and better fits how he sees himself, it also reminds him that he can’t ever really be like that. That he can’t ever get rid of his tattoos and likely won’t get an opportunity to surgically transition. Regardless, he does like the freedom that Eden’s body gives him that he just doesn’t have in his own body. As Eden, he more often than not is exactly like he usually is as Dimitri but with much more confidence and without the self-hatred, anxiety, and paranoia. How he is as Eden is essentially how he’d be if the Farm didn’t fuck his mental health.
Villainy:
Dimitri sees his fall into villainy as inevitable and uncontrollable. He has convinced himself that his friends would only try to stop him and that being a villain is the only way he can accomplish his goals. Additionally, he hates that he can’t stop himself yet he continues down the path of villainy as a form of subconscious self-punishment.
He named his villain persona Revenant as he has come back from the dead, in the eyes of his friends but also since he escaped the Farm, which he views as a real Hell on Earth. The Farm may have tried to kill who he is but he still clawed his way back out. I chose the name Revenant because of that and because the “Re” prefix fits the naming scheme of the series and cause he’s a Re-Gene. We hoard all the “Re”s in this household.
He chose the mysterious armor style and has the speed and telepathy upgrades. He’s very a speedy and sneaky fighter. Since Dimitri loves the drama of a cape, he chose to have a hooded cape.
He’s not a particularly good villain as he won’t kill people, excluding anyone associated with the Farm, and actually enjoys helping and saving people. Still, he couldn’t do what needs to be done as a hero or a vigilante so being a villain is his only option.
Ortega is suspicious of Revenant because he fought him like he personally knew him and was hesitant to finish him off or severely hurt him.
He’s on the anarchist path and aims to destroy the power structure of the corrupted government.
Dimitri has the revenge Heartbreak scar and will do anything to destroy the Farm. As stated before, he will eagerly break his no kill/harm rule to get back at anyone associated with the Farm. He would be incredibly violent and draw out their pain, taking a sick pleasure in torturing them. Deep down, that sadistic side of him would honestly terrify him but he would try to convince himself that anyone that helps the Farm deserves it.
On a lighter note, Dimitri sees his fellow Re-Genes as his siblings and family. He wants them to be able to have the freedom to be individuals and people. If he had to choose between helping his fellow Re-Genes or getting revenge on the Farm, he would instantly save his siblings, as much as it would crush him to not get back at the Farm.
Fun facts:
Dimitri has a guitar pick on a leather cord that he wears around his neck. The pick was a gift from Ortega sometime after they started dating. Ortega gave the pick to him for Valentines Day after playing a song for him and said “I pick you,” which flustered the hell out of Dimitri but touched him nonetheless. He left the necklace behind in Ortega’s home with the rest of his non-mission stuff during the Heartbreak fiasco. Ortega kept it and wore it after Dimitri’s “death”. It was a major comfort item for him. He gave it back to Dimitri when he came back.
He’s 6′ 1″. Ortega teases him since he’s one inch shorter than him and it absolutely bothers him enough to make him wear heeled boots so he can be taller. Eden is 5′ even and it absolutely drives Dimitri mad. Being so short hurts his brain. His villain suit makes him much taller at 6′ 9″, seeing the taller Rangers being so short makes him extremely happy.
He really liked Anathema’s piercings and was always curious about them when he first met him. After he expressed an interest in getting pierced, Anathema went with him to get pierced and he got a helix piercing in his right ear, a lobe piercing in his left ear, and a tongue piercing. After he gets top surgery he’ll get a ring piercing in his right nipple.
Eventually, he’ll get a blue lightning bolt tattooed on the back of his neck for Ortega. If Ortega can finally commit to a tattoo, he might get a sun for Dimitri on the back of his neck. Who needs wedding rings when you can have ink beneath your skin dedicated to your significant other? Chen doesn’t seem the type to get tattooed and I can’t figure out anything to represent him so he’s left out of this headcanon for now >:T
Blue is his favorite color. It’s the color he chose for his suit as Sidestep, is the color Ortega and the Rangers use (blue being associated with his friends), and is the opposite color of his tattoos. It’s a color that brought him a lot of happiness. On the other hand, orange is his least favorite color. He hates it. It’s a bad reminder of his tattoos. As such, he’s grown to instinctively hate the color.
#My Art#Dimitri Sol#Eden Moriah#fallen hero: rebirth#fallen hero spoilers#COG#uhhh#self-harm tw#just in case#why the fuck did i write so much about this dumbass#if youre wondering why the art is on lined paper#its cuz thats what i draw on 99% of the time#my dumb anxious brain thinks im gonna waste art paper if i draw on it and mess up
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Music’s first responder: How Yo-Yo Ma answered the pandemic’s call and consoled a reeling nation
After a lifetime of preparation, the iconic cellist is once more proving classical music’s power to honor grief, catalyze hope, and connect us across isolation.
In a way, while the pandemic’s disruptions have left many feeling plunged into completely unknown terrain, Ma had been preparing for this moment his entire life. “Art is not for art’s sake,” he says. “Well, it could be. But really, it’s for life’s sake.”
“I want to try this on you and ask what you think,” he says. He goes on to speak about the ethical vision in Beethoven’s music, a sense of “reaching out for something that was almost attainable,” the possibility for a more fair and just society that, in Beethoven’s day, still glittered beckoningly on the horizon. Two world wars, he continues, shattered that vision and showed us “that the veneer of civilization was really just a veneer.” These days, he says, the ethical striving and idealism still present in Beethoven’s music all too rarely find an echo in our contemporary world.
“But,” ever the optimist, Ma continues, “with the new tools and understanding we have, could there be a more hopeful humanistic philosophy, or a way of thinking that can unite us and propel us forward, maybe not to the same utopian ideal but at least toward being in balance between ourselves and our planet?”
This is not how most musicians typically begin an interview. Ma’s mind is a vast storehouse of ideas, associations, curiosities, streams of thought. “When you ask Yo-Yo a question, his brain comes up simultaneously with 100 different ways of answering,” says Sara Wolfensohn, an old friend.
“I need to be fed ideas,” Ma tells me, though he’s also got a lot of his own. He thinks knowledge is overly siloed in today’s world. He wants to put science back in conversation with the arts. He loves the concept in ecology of the “edge effect,” the notion that biodiversity is richest at the borderline between two ecosystems, and he frequently employs it as a metaphor. He also wants culture to play a more central role in society as a gateway to things our country appears to be decidedly lacking at the moment: trust, empathy, and humility. He views all three as critical to the world’s thriving into the future. And these days, he explains, he is often thinking generationally, both about the limits of his own and the birth of the next.
“I’m about to become a grandfather for the third time,” Ma says, his face widening into that smile that routinely warms the chilliest of concert halls. “And I know that while I’m not going to see the year 2100,” he continues, “someone very close to me probably will. But what is that world going to be like? What is my part in handing them whatever I’ve been responsible for, and what are they going to think about it? These are not abstract questions to me anymore. They’re real questions. Pre-pandemic, the big frustration was that we were spending the great majority of our time producing things,” he adds. “Now I think so much more about meaning and purpose.”
It’s also safe to say that Ma — before the pandemic, too — had thought about these topics once or twice. At-home viewers of the videos he has been creating from his living room can sometimes spot, behind Ma’s right shoulder, a picture of his hero, the legendary Catalan cellist Pablo Casals. The image is framed next to a quote from Casals that Ma has always prized: “I am a man first, an artist second. As a man, my first obligation is to the welfare of my fellow men. I will endeavor to meet this obligation through music — the means which God has given me — since it transcends language, politics and national boundaries. My contribution to world peace may be small, but at least I will have given all I can to an ideal I hold sacred.”
From the perspective of the classical music world today, Casals’s sentiment may sound decidedly old-fashioned. In their own era, men like Casals and Leonard Bernstein had political and social visions, and they spoke beyond classical audiences to address a wider public (John F. Kennedy once said that Bernstein was the only man he “would never run against for political office”). But as the field’s share of prestige in the culture at large has shrunk, so too has the ethical purview of its leading voices. These days, the field’s stars tend to traffic within a more circumscribed cultural sphere, even as they try, when possible, to expand the music’s reach.
Artistic paths rarely follow a straight line. In Ma’s case, one can’t say exactly what led to what, nor is he in a rush to tell you. But in the years following his trip to the Kalahari Desert, Ma began authoring new scripts for building a life of meaning in music. Genre demarcations, which had long been the guardrails of his path through music, suddenly seemed less relevant. While he continued his concerto appearances and solo work, Ma was also suddenly playing the tangos of Astor Piazzolla, and then recording a bluegrass-inflected album, Appalachia Waltz, with the fiddle player Mark O’Connor and bassist Edgar Meyer. Music-making was, in short, becoming less of “a formal thing.” And perhaps the San notion of an instrument being little more than a means to an end had also seeped in somewhere. Around this time, Ma absentmindedly left his $2.5 million Montagnana cello in the trunk of a New York City taxi. (It was recovered.)
Even as he ventured musically further afield, the Bach suites remained Ma’s magnetic north. But he no longer felt compelled to plumb their mystery as part of a solitary quest, choosing instead, in the late 1990s, to work with six directors to create a series of six films, each inspired by one of the suites. Then in 2000, Ma founded Silkroad, a global collective of musicians inspired by the cross-cultural connections that flourished in the lands along the ancient Silk Road trading route. The attacks of September 11, 2001, and the waves of xenophobia that followed, seemed only to reinforce the need for listening across cultures. Headquartered in Boston, Silkroad is still thriving some two decades later.
Three decades later, Ma is now well practiced at seeking out what’s needed. Over the course of the last year, in addition to the recorded videos, the live-streamed performances, and the tour on the flatbed truck, he has released a new album, Songs of Comfort and Hope, with pianist Kathryn Stott, and he has brought his ideas on music and healing directly to the source by performing over Zoom in hospitals. Among the communities Ma has played for privately several times are front-line health care workers at Massachusetts General Hospital.
“It was a time of tremendous anxiety and unbelievable stress,” says Dr. Kathy May Tran, a hospitalist at Mass. General who coordinated his first performance in May for roughly 200 health care workers. “But the chance to connect over music, together with Yo-Yo’s words of care and support, and just the priority of gratitude that he embodies, were restorative to our entire community and gave us the strength to continue. That sounds corny, but it’s completely true.”
Since the pandemic began, Ma has also become involved with a national nonprofit called Project: Music Heals Us, which arranges virtual private concerts for hospital patients. The group to date has connected 161 musicians from across the country with over 3,100 patients in 23 hospitals, many of whom are severely isolated from family and even from most hospital staff due to COVID protocols. The contributing musicians come from all corners of the profession, though it’s fair to say not many are internationally renowned soloists. At one point, project organizers say, a patient at Houston Methodist hospital told his physical therapist that later in the day he would be receiving a private performance from Yo-Yo Ma. The clinician responded by noting that the patient was apparently suffering from delusions, only to later enter the ICU and find that Yo-Yo Ma was indeed there on an iPad, giving a private performance of the Shaker hymn “Simple Gifts.”
“Musicians like Yo-Yo and many others could have taken the path of least resistance and easily avoided the pandemic altogether,” Dr. Tran says. “Instead, they chose to walk into it head on. In medicine and science, there is the concept of a catalyst, an entity or substance that creates a chemical reaction that can be lasting, permanent, transformative. During this pandemic, Yo-Yo has been a catalyst.”
Back in our Zoom interview, the hour has grown late and Ma has grown introspective. “We’re a country that was invented by a group of very smart people,” he says. “We’re living the American experiment, and we want the experiment to succeed and thrive. We want homo sapiens to thrive and survive. I ask myself, What does a 65-year-old do next? I want to be useful, I want to respond to need. I want to try, in whatever years I have, to do things with as much meaning and impact as possible.”
The questioning might imply that an answer would involve a departure from his recent roles, and it’s true that Ma has rarely stayed in one place, artistic or geographic, for long. But it also depends on one’s vantage point. Pull back the camera on his journey and one begins to see not wanderings but through-lines, as even Ma seems to concede. “My interests have always started with people,” he says. “Who they are, why they think and do what they do.”
That observation surely applies to Ma’s music as well. The most powerful performers have an almost mystical way of blurring the lines between interpreting and creating. They attempt to inhabit the composer’s way of seeing. To do so, Ma once said, “One must go out of oneself, finding empathy for another’s experience, forming another world.”
The key word here is empathy. It is what bridges Ma’s work as a musician and his social consciousness. Returning to the composer Leon Kirchner’s challenge, one might say empathy is the true center of Ma’s tone. And yes, he’s found it. And built on it his life.
https://www.cpr.org/2020/05/22/watch-live-on-sunday-yo-yo-ma-performs-bach-cello-suites-to-honor-lives-lost-to-coronavirus/
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yr fave is problematic
Up Front Disclaimer: I actually think the language of "privilege" is uniquely ill-suited to articulating cis women's relationship to being CAFAB, and some day I'd love to sit down with cis women and try and articulate exactly how the particular differences between cis women's and trans women's experiences function and what that means for our ability to function as a coalitional political unit, but right now...
Where mainstream (and even mainstream "radical" or "woke") feminism deigns to engage with the lives and experiences of trans women at all, they are so convinced that transmisogyny is the purview of TERFs or some comically-off-base-and-clearly-self-interested caricature of "White Feminism" (like yr radical queer!! space isn't white as hell? come on) that nobody is looking at their own shit and asking if maybe yeah, they've been part of the problem.
Like white people who talk about hating other white people, this performative anger/disdain/rejection is a distancing strategy, a way of avoiding the reality of transmisogyny in their own spaces and communities by offloading that burden onto a safe (frequently entirely imaginary, in fact!) target.
True story: your Feminist Fave has probably participated in, or happily rubbed elbows with others who have participated in, transmisogyny to their own benefit. Your friends have almost certainly done so. The loose collective of Canon Good Feminists who aren't overtly racist, etc. is rife with cis women more than happy to mock trans women and equivocate or just ignore it when called out. With entertainers it's basically a sure deal (I think Kate McKinnon is cute, too, ya'll! Doesn't change that she's been doing transmisogynist shit forever without a second thought!) but even your honest-to-god icons are guilty here, too: every riot grrl band who wouldn't cancel their show at MichFest, every theorist who acts like "people with penises" is a coherent social class, every trans dude who thinks tr-nny is his word, too...
The fact that you, as a person at least somewhat invested in feminist spaces, people, and theory, don't have to keep track of this shit, is cis privilege. But unlike the more insidious parts of cis privilege, the parts more deeply embedded in our dumpster fire of a society, this is actually something you can disown. You can educate yourself on what your feminist role models and icons have said about trans women--all it takes is googling "*name* transphobia* every once in a while. If shit has been said, it's pretty likely that some trans woman out there has done the emotional and intellectual labor of writing a summary post on their bullshit. It'll be good for your praxis too--I think I'm a pretty decent feminist and 80%-ish of my personal feminist canon is trans women theorists and activists, TBH.
But I don't realistically expect most cis people (or men, for that matter) to do this work because frankly, trans women don't have the social capital to make our withdrawing support a meaningful action--and beyond that, we are oppressed under misogyny and can't afford to not challenge it, even if the people we're working alongside are actively sabotaging us. Nonetheless, it is possible (and not even that hard, in my opinion, but I have pretty well-worn pathways in my brain for sorting people according how sketchy they are wrt transmisogyny so IDK) even if yall don't do it.
If I'm being honest, I am low-key a trans lesbian separatist, and this is why. I don't trust cis folk or men to have my back because they've seen fit to stick a knife in it one (or two or five or a hundred) too many times, only to have ostensible allies to trans women make excuses for them or look the other way or hand them another fucking knife.
The question here cannot be "is my community and my feminism transmisogynist?" because I assure you, they are, and those questions are literally the least you can do. We need you to start asking "how are my community and my feminism transmisogynist, and what can I do about that?". If you don't, then no matter how well-intentioned you are, we're gonna keep spinning our wheels, stuck in the same ditch we've been in for the last 70 years. Trans women are gonna keep dying, and nobody's gonna do anything about it except other trans women, who are also being killed by the cisheteropatriarchal medical-/prison-industrial-complex that was, in a real sense, designed to do just that.
Again, not all of you will follow through here. This won't be the first or last time I'm disappointed by folks who aren't trans women. But I hope I've given you something to think about, that even if you still fuck up sometimes--which we all do--you've course-corrected at least a little. Trans women's lives depend on it.
Written in reference to this tweet thread from Raquel Willis.
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i don’t know how to talk about this i don’t know how to talk about this i don’t know how to talk about this i am going to try (as usual) i am going to try.
the stuff with sophie & ginny has me all kinds of fucked up
i tried to talk to ginny --- but god what’s between us. we need to talk more --- i just i just i can’t i don’t she’s -- where’s part 2 of her letter but also -- how can maybe she -- actually really hates me, it’s so hard to tell, maybe i was pushing i just i just don’t know
i don’t know how to talk about this
maybe i am just fucking everything up all the time
sophie is so suicidal & i don’t know how to save her. &, earlier, tripping on [...], she told me she trusts me so entirely & i. she said she wishes there could be a space she could hold for me where i don’t have to be afraid. & i said it’s not her fault, and she said she knows but she wishes it all the same. and yes, and yes, but the thing i said i trust her too but it. i -- i never trust anyone as much as i need to, as much as i want to, you know? i-- i don’t know. & all these -- and the intersections with transmisogyny and--
i don’t know how to talk about this i don’t know how to talk about this i don’t know how to talk about this i am completely spinning out i am really fucking losing it i am going fucking crazy i don’t know how to do this
ginny is living here for 2 months i. i don’t know how to -- and the avoidance! and it’s, i mean, she can’t deal with physical intimacy of any kind from sophie anymore, it’s been like this for months, really developing since the one time they had sex last november when they were high. && ginny’s not comfortable doing drugs with sophie anymore since then, it’s too vulnerable, and i feel like i keep trying to figure out what exactly goes into that, and
“it wasn’t nonconsensual” ginny said but like. she doesn’t want it to happen again she doesn’t have those feelings for sophie, but i thought that was true all along, and i -- she said with physical intimacy (sex) it can so often be about losing control once it starts, and then they had sex, and then sophie was hopeful for a while, and then it was bad again, and ginny and i were just talking about how hard it is for her with any kind of physical intimacy with sophie and then sophie came home & we had to act (?) and i feel so bad -- and sophie touching ginny on the shoulder & i wondered about the weight of that touch & it felt so immense to even imagine & i just. what a coward i am, but what can be said
ginny has more familial feelings for sophie sophie had told me how badly she felt about ginny saying she felt “maternal” and how much fucked up shit can go into that maybe and. and i just don’t know -- and ginny today was saying. like she doesn’t want sophie -- like when sophie wants to hold her hand, or tells ginny she’s pretty, or tells her / the knowledge of sophie being sexually attracted to ginny, and ginny doesn’t want that kind of attention from sophie, and she wants a solidity of something else
i just keep wondering, how on earth did these two even have sex at all?? and like i just. have so many wonderings & yes, even suspicions, and i know -- i feel like i am betraying sophie with my thoughts, and maybe i was insinuating wonderings too much to ginny? i just don’t know. i just don’t know. it’s so complicated. i don’t get it, like, it happened and does ginny regret it? i don’t know exactly maybe not but. i asked if it changed things and ginny kind of just said “actions have consequences” and like. what, i just, i wish ginny could communicate more clearly or directly, but, and i guess the being high and ginny can’t deal with the intensity of sophie’s feelings for her but this has always been true, and there’s always this -- sophie has always wanted more more more from her, and i -- i have tried multiple approaches to this problem -- but also the question of whether ginny has desire or whether ginny just is too scared to go there, which it also has seemed at many points, and -- how sophie has really reacted to the idea that ginny “just doesn’t feel that way” because of how complicated it -- and just, i don’t know i don’t know
it’s just that ginny is so obviously uncomfortable, and i don’t know what kind of comfort even really happens -- and i just -- they’re just so not on the same page, never have been really, seems to be an endless project for sophie to try, and also the making -- the not wanting to make people into projects? sophie would be so sad. again and again. she is so sad. for all the suspicions people have of her, me too
and how so much of it really does come down to the violent way of making her a spectre as a trans woman. and reading things into her intentions and touch and desires and feelings as if there is something to be afraid of there. am i projecting? no, not exactly, i know ginny struggles with this too, and the visibility of sophie as a trans woman and the visibility of that kind of queer relationship, and this all started with me trying to ask ginny how she felt about the label “partner” with sophie and ginny seemed -- uncomfortable? reactive? said it was a grey area, and i just -- i’m so confused all the time &
it’s so pressing all the time because sophie just is so wrapped up in ginny and is so suicidal at the idea of an ending (again and totally) and. i just, it’s the kind of suicidal that scares me so much more than my own suicidal, and i am trying so hard not to --
so easy, the typical discursive move -- what if sophie is not respecting ginny’s boundaries never has ever and what if sophie is always violating ginny in some way and what if that sex wasn’t actually consensual even though ginny says it wasn’t nonconsensual and ginny feels so trapped by sophie’s desire so what if that means that sophie is doing something violent and do i ever feel this way too do i also feel trapped by the idea of sexuality with sophie no no i can’t project i can’t project what is happening why can’t i just -- figure it out, i trust sophie more than -- i just, i don’t know why i can never trust her enough, and i was talking to miel about the history of it, my transmisogyny in the way i so often feel more easily trusting of dfab people in a bodily or sexual sense even after all these years and i hate it sophie was always -- the safest -- i just, right? even with the fights where i felt -- but then the policing, and my own history of being -- i mean i have pressured too, and god knows all my emotionally abusive behaviour and -- transmisogyny i don’t know how to separate can’t be separated from -- i just
i don’t know.
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