#getting nothing they need so badly
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Oh, you're ovulating? Gosh, it would be such a shame if I used ANY OTHER hole than the one that desperately needs it.
#someone's sadistic this morning#not me thinking about feral pets#getting nothing they need so badly#the noises#the begging#mhm mhm#good stuff
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I am sooo sad that they stopped doing clever disguises for cases in later spn. Every day they’re regular civilians or feds. I need the priests and yoga instructors and psych ward patients again!!!!!!! I need them to be in situations!!!!! All of their cases are soooo boring and lame and contained where was the IMMERSION!! Where is the leadup to the monster and the twist and the detail and the creative insanity of it??? where is the PRESENCE!!!! Where are the stakes!!!!! Where are the left field episodes that intentionally feel out of place with the narrative and then directly tie into it later and leave the juiciest implications to be picked apart!!!!!! ? Where is the clashing of the normal world in such a funny way that they can bluntly tell the truth of their lives to be admitted to a ward. Where is the communicating something you don’t entirely remember through a silly game. Where are the lasting effects of what they go through!!! Where is the CINEMA.! If there is one thing I could ask for from the prequel it is this. . I need those beasts to be in actual situations again.
#I need priest jack and psych ward patient jack so badly you don’t realize#like that is the basis of it but also#cal.txt#spn#supernatural#motw#sam winchester#dean winchester#castiel#jack kline#tfw2.0#team free will#early spn#kripke era#I need jack to have a crazy cas arc soooooooo so badly you don’t understand#nothing I want for jack can be conceived of by anyone else except my mutuals and I don’t mean that in an ascended better than you all way#I mean like. you just Don’t get it . you fundamentally do not get it you do not see Jack as a person fit to have these experiences#but I digress . because I am high#I’m looosssijnjgg it goodnigjt
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been thinking of Hobie humming or quietly singing lullabies to help his friends sleep during a rough night without even realizing he’s doing it sometimes. He always falls asleep last despite being constantly tired so he’s just watching them all calm down as he sings and have a few hours of peace from his singing, and it becomes a subconscious habit at some point, and he can’t explain the feeling it gives him, just saying he feels “full”, but there’s no weird disconnect from him having spider-powers and not his friends, there’s no haunting feeling of their efforts never being enough, there isn’t any sort of butterflies or fire lighting inside of him, it’s all super mundane, yet these moments are where he feels the most fulfilled, very “full”
#by friends i mean like his comic friends#thinking of Hobie pulling someoen to rest their head on his chest and humming. heartbeat plus humming = nothing else exists in that moment#hobie loves doing boring shit so much you don’t get it. it’s been ages since he’s been able to do fuck all . to do something useless#something that won’t really change anything ever for anybody . like he would give anything for a moment to go sit in a bench in a park#he’s fighting for people who also want that and he knows he’s probably gonna die before he gets that chance to do that#so like . just humming to somebody and they fall asleep. he’s doing something so mundane. he needs to take care of a plant so badly.#when i think of him i get so ill#hobie brown#spider punk#spiderpunk#m&m posts
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(ooc)
Fellas. I may go Insane.
#THEY'RE HERE AND I WANT TO BE WHACKING THINGS SO BADLY EVERY TIME I HOLD THEM#ooc#txt#kim pine#scott pilgrim merch#you can find these on the oni press website for $10 (not including shipping)#i need drums. real drums. to Smash Gently w these Sticks. Or Else.#((my grandmother played with my fucking emotions seeing these... ''oh we have a drum kit in the attic!'' ''wait really?! ... is it a +#+children's set.'' ''.... it's a children's set....''))#((i mean hey I'd still wail on em to get this feeling out but I am NOT going up there. there are. spiders. and things.))#((if you saw the uncropped outside of discord politely no you did not. nothing too revealing there i dont think but just in case!))
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Collection of Herbie doodles……
#reanimator#herbert west#help my sanity#sos#cutie pie#bbg#hes so bbg#ugh#i hate this man#dieeeee dieeeeeeee#i love you so much herbert please dont leave me i need you in my life so badly#helpnme#I hate you Herbert get out of my head you deserve nothing but the worst#haters gonna hate
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warning! i may start getting the winter crazies on top of my usual crazies bc when i cannot go to the gym and exhaust my mania physically (and also just Get Out of this House) due to unwalkable weather i start turning from a docile aquarium ray enjoying its food puzzle ball in spite of all the human hands stroking and poking at it, into a tiger without a watermelon full of hamburger to roll around its "the Bad kind of zoo" concrete cube enclosure where it is getting drugged and/or tazed regularly
#sporadic warbling#i try to tune out the dysphoria aspect of losing muscle mass bc thats not a healthy part to fixate on#but i do in fact need Physical Activity to be Mentally Healthy so when i'm cooped up with nothing heavy to lift i get irritable#like as in the physiological state of irritability like no getting around that fact i need those endorphins badly lmao#having this brain bug while also being disabled sure is An Experience#animal abuse mention#i mean it is a metaphor for what is not animal abuse but i sure get made to feel like one sometimes#i am very thankful people i've met online are kind i owe everything to those seemingly ephemeral social bonds
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my method of "getting better" has just been Do Everything Possible and latch onto whatever gives you any sense of purpose and/or joy. and i guess it's been working because i am definitely not in quite the same place that i was a few yrs ago
#like i have tried so many things#any opportunity for trying a thing that is supposed to be helpful is met with ''yeah sure why not''#counselors love me for it LMFAO#''its impressive that you're willing to try these things :)'' girl if i dont then I'll kill myself. it's not gonna hurt me to try#if it goes badly then i have a breakdown and maybe hurt myself but then i immediately move onto the next thing#and i can always draw shitty art. thats always there for me. i can rotate my OCs in my brain. i can watch a show or listen to a podcast#those are always available if nothing else works out#and maybe it helps that i have a deadline of ''if life is still intolerable by x time then you can kill urself'' dhfjdkl#operating by that makes me want to put in more effort bc theres a time limit#also doing all these things has given me a sense of identity outside of having irl ppl around me#i couldnt control that for a long time (very very very lucky to have joined the old lady group recently) so i had to make do#and it is hard and it is scary and it is very often nearly unbearably lonely. but when u throw urself headfirst into ur own stuff#then u don't focus so much on the Aloneness of it all. and also u get to post abt ur hobbies and stuff and make friends online that way#idk !!! it is a hard spot to pull urself out of but taking a single step at a time is incredibly helpful#trying things and doing things and keeping on trucking gets u thru it one way or another#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#suicide mention
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Watching people fight over and defend hh is insane. People who think it's good have utterly shit taste obviously but im mostly baffled by the other people who have come to the conclusion it sucks but also really need there to be a moral or ethical reason to justify why it sucks. It can't JUST be ugly or annoying or poorly made, it needs to be morally irredeemable.
#playing with fire perhaps but if you are annoying to me about this keep in mind you are easy to block#the show was probably one of the most unpleasant watching experiences ive ever had for a cartoon and that is staight up just because its#ugly and annoying and badly constructed#like imagine if people needed a moral imperative to justify not liking like. problem solverz#its unpleasant on a surface level but also on every level under that. like an onion that is just fully decaying to slime#the character and plot writing is some of the worsr ive ever seen. i did watch the whole show it really doesnt get better.#it is funny to see people upset at it being ~problematic content~ bc my reaction to that one spider episode was#wow you didnt earn this at all. you didnt earn any pathos#you didnt set this up nothing in this show had any time to breathe and is so utterly devoid of the capacity for creating emotional impact#which is to say i just kind of rolled my eyes lmao. many such cases#not tagging this. dont want it to be found
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freeman's mind notes part 12, e56-60
e56
"ngyah."
believes Murphy's law is out to get him
ROCKET LAUNCHER POG
willing to drink reactor coolant water. Tbh it is clean.
silly Freeman. These aren't Shock Troopers
thinks honor in fights is a useless or detrimental thing.
dodges barnacle meat
more guns, less madness
so upset he's right about everything. Wishes his conclusion about the reactor melting down was incorrect
thinks he's the only person with enough urgency in the situation
screams at the possible murderer guard
oh I know where we are :>
out of 9mm ammo!
"YOU WEREN'T THERE AND NOW YOU'RE REAL. THIS IS INNSBRUCK ALL OVER AGAIN." now what does This imply? ghosts? more drugs than usual?
his hallucinations shoot back at him, he claims
e57
keeps worrying about the building collapsing on him
MORPHINE
immediately gets it in him. uh. where?? Did he inject that?
underwater mumbling :)
talks about the morphine as him needing that. well I'm sure he's in a lot of pain
"it's flooded! I'm a hero!"
running panicking yelling
hit by the electricity and just kind of flinches and yells
hasn't felt this good since he thought he was going to leave Black Mesa
he generally just seems a lot calmer and less inclined to putting together complex thought right now
repeating himself a tad
worried about an overdose if he takes more morphine
talks to a crate
more morphine anyways.
HEV SUIT VOICE HEV MY LOVE
gman sighting :D
ceases to be drowsy upon getting shot at
"we've got enough monsters for at least nine weeks"
"I was meant to turn this"
buttons! :D taps a ton of buttons
considers cold fusion a bad joke
thinks the portals are trying to read his mind
thinks the metric for not taking too much morphine is He's Still Walking
sir why are you asking some guy if he's an oracle
favourite dirty harry movie is the one where he kills some giant tentacle monster
wants to skip down the hallway
got a BEE in his Mouth
upset that alien blood made the hallway all dirty. He wanted to roll around in it before, when it was clean. Not now.
"bah >:("
now convinced the teleporters are holograms
thinks he's impressed by the hellportalroom because he's high
hes going to test his theory like a true scientist (on drugs)
plays with the portal output and walks into the portal input and cuts out immediately
e58
new intro, residue processing outside segment
thinks he just lost memory and that explains why he's suddenly somewhere else
BARELY avoids getting impaled on some falling metal
knows Mr. T's catchphrase :)
"I'm *Gordon. I can do both your jobs."
Eddie can't do makeup for shit. This does mean he's let Eddie do stuff to him, or watched, at least
thinks sugar is functionally the same as food
does not drink the soda.
can't decide if he'd rather have food or more bullets but doesn't want to eat headcrab rn
points his rocket launcher at a guard
hates when he's made to kill his target and him both
fully thinks there's not going to be any survivors of Black Mesa. Presumably including himself
cheers at explosions :3
thinks surprises where people end up dead are the biggest ones.
thanks a corpse for giving him more bullets
can't be sure if HECU talking are just voices in his head or real
has only now noticed he's outside
"ahhhhh. Ah."
loses track of what he's doing in the middle of doing it. Stands there for a moment.
correctly predicts the black ops actions
wishes he had a walkie talkie to decoy soldiers towards his voice
he has the power of chemistry (being very drugged) on his side
burning alien smells better than he thought it would
spacing out CONSTANTLY
return of the door opening ghost!
clickyclickclickclick
no longer trusts the ghost
a ghost mildly harassing him, giving bad advice, is something he's not as prepared for as people attacking him
thinks he can lift a giant concrete slab
e59
can't lift the concrete
wishes the HEV suit had pneumatic jacks
sneezes!
doesn't want a dying man to touch him
the weird yowling is back
doesn't like performing dance of the Geiger counter
delighted to see a soldier getting eaten by a barnacle
doesn't like that zombies are getting smart
flash of green?
thought he heard someone green.
aware he has head trauma. Thinks he may have synesthesia
if he thought he could pull it off he'd put a zombie in his HEV and let the military kill it
Slur count: Seven.
he's seeing the stupidest soldiers, he thinks
wants to publish a research paper about musics effects on soldiers in active warzones
sounds a bit more lucid right now I think?
has never seen anyone in Black Mesa die from carbon monoxide poisoning. This is not true of every job he's held.
kills space rancher's alien pets :(
loud elevator music...
didn't get to see how his unethical experiments on his coworkers went because of the rescas
lets a guy live because he cowers appropriately
green flash two...
does try to rescue a half headcrabbed guy
he's aware he's going to remember certain worse parts of these days more than others
chuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachugga
suddenly loud and violent
"no, this isn't working! let's do it some more!"
giant aliens are determined to fuck him any way they can he says
goes to his death kicking and screaming. green flash three.
e60
gets back and immediately shoots a single scientist. Conveniently the same guy Martinis kills on accident
thinks he's been summoned like a demon
referring to himself as The Freeman again
TELEPORTATION POG
he is dizzy from awful rotating teleporter room
wonders how the teleporter works. Thinks he may be making clones of himself and dying on loop whenever he enters the portal
"making sacrifices for the greater Gordon"
pronounces calliope as an american would
doesn't feel any air displacement with the teleporter. That's. Actually really interesting
oh hey that was gmans miniature sun
didn't notice the numbering on the portals
food still on the mind
wonders about the redundancy of teleporter testing bullshit
yells as he falls a great distance. Clocks that momentum isn't preserved when going through portals. that's so cool.
unimpressed at vortigaunt teleportation now that he can also teleport
episode cuts off as he enters a portal
#freeman's mind#gordon freemind#mindverse#rmanotes#this has the morphine episode btw#he's so interesting in that one if i may note things after the fact#he genuinely seems just. calm. he's been incredibly stressed all series and this is basically the first time since before the rescas#that he HASN'T seemed to be on the verge of a breakdown (even the rocket launcher only did so much for a couple minutes)#get this man out of black mesa and in front of a documentary i swear#he needs somewhere with nothing important or dangerous going on so badly#please.
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have been ill since i was a kid it is not going to get better or pass likeeee sick of people telling me otherwise
#🏩.diary#I’ve always been this way#like there is no fixing it it’s not even like#idk my mental illness isn’t even something i can use as an excuse it’s just me now like idk#my friends are insufferable they don’t get it that#it’s not the fucking same like im so upset why do they always make things ab themselves#im the one that has no other friends no job no love life im failing uni with no social life like no you don’t get it#and they’re always like oh i wish I wasn’t known on campus like you talking to people is so draining I hate it#I hate it so bad i need to kill myself#I’ve been suicidal since I was 11 like that’s it’s not gonna change#and then they wonder why I don’t wanna talk like sorry im too suicidal to hear ab you having multiple jobs and boyfriends and driving sorry#like im too bitter#why don’t you just do this I CANT!!! im ugly and repulsive and can’t go outside#I’ve been made fun of for my weight and face by family n school friends like why would k want to go outside when it’s not even. me that#thinks I’m repulsive but everyone around me too#my parents don’t ever call me pretty unless I have makeup on they’re repulsed by me I know they love me bc they have to love me but im such#a loser there’s nothing to be Proud of#I don’t know what to do at all it’s like I’ve fucked it over so badly I can’t fix a single thing#it’s like I have everything wrong w me and it’s humiliating#tw vent#sorry im worked up godddd#I hate when people talk me like it’s my first time feeling this way and that it’s easy to get over#just try getting ur license or doing this I psychically cannot bc I’m crippled by anxiety and facial and body dysmoprhia like fuck off#whatever whatever im too pussy to kill myself so I’ll just live in this fucking cycle forever and ever like bc im literally a fucking .#pussy what’s wrong w me#in other news my sisters separation anxiety is back and she won’t let go of me I can’t go to the bathroom without her coming she’s sleeping#in my bed again#she’s so clingy I love her but I can’t do anything
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idk how to live so im going to talk to myself out loud until i do
#listen. take a deep breath. i know your bpm is high but you need to think with me for a second.#remember that you are paper thin. all your facets are sheets of paper and what you gave her is just another one.#make a new one. you dont need it. you dont need her to see you. i know you think you need her but you will be okay. i know its hard.#you wish you could have shown her how you loved her. listen to yourself. you are made of paper.#she might be concrete or maybe wood or maybe gold. you need to start laying your roots elsewhere. shut that thought down#and blink and listen. the parts you keep thinking of arent lost. they still happened and they are yours to keep.#there is beauty in this loss. tell me about the beauty in this loss. its okay to think about it. you got to see it all and nothing more#and this is great because it would have been bad. you know it would be violent in a way you dont need. you know this to be true.#you are going to look at that empty space in her shape and youre going to fill it with everything that happened when you knew her.#the memories with her but then also the the way your friends talked you through it. the game with the clovers.#your first allergic reaction you almost died and you couldnt stop laughing and you were held so close to their hearts.#learning the names for all the floursecent gene tracking dyes that everyone else knows already. about the exam - listen again.#i know you think if you fail your life is over but you need to try your best. youre not going to get a good grade in a uni test for the fir#youre going to make up for it. youre going to make sure you make up for it. do you understand? i love you. you have to do this.#right now you need to sit up. breathe. i know your heart hurts. go to the living room. grab something to eat. i dont care if you feel full.#youre going to clean your mattress heater. youre going to study a bit longer and then youre going to sleep. youre going to tell your mother#im sorry and i might genuinely fail a test. shes going to tell you its okay. if you do badly in this course you can just become a neurosurg#just agree. dont argue right now. its okay. youre okay. you are paper thin. i know any puncture hurts.#breathe. think of your friends. think of their hands in yours. it isnt eternal.youve lived through worse. the empty sky is still beautiful.#the lack of her is still beautiful
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sometimes it really is just like. is this all there is. feeling oversensitive & undersocialized—too sensitive to socialize—forever, bc you never got enough ~affirmation~ growing up (poor, pathetic baby; how long will you persist in singing the same self-pitying song…), & so never developed the proper emotional cushioning against the heartache & the thousand natural shocks, &c, &c, &c, &c, &c…
#like—you can't get close to people if you're too raw to bear the inevitable grit of misunderstandings and small incompatibilities#we all fail one another. sometimes in a myriad of small ways‚ sometimes in big ones—#sometimes you and people you care about are simultaneously failing each other on separate but parallel tracks#and ultimately you have to be able to bear that and keep reaching out to people anyway‚ as you hope they will to you#and i just. i need so badly for something—someone—to be new and good and an easy fit‚ because i haven't got trying in me#but also frankly i wouldn't trust anything like that if it appeared to me‚ at this point#molly grue voice how dare you come to me now &c#i'm a fussy person whose capacity for delight has drained away#and i think it's SO important to be kind and yet still so often i don't manage it#despite biting my tongue SO often that it hurts‚ which has taught me to feel there's nothing acceptable abt my own reactions#and i never MEAN to be pompous or dickish or whatever but caring about precision and conscientiousness and whatnot isn't in fashion#so i'm pretty sure that's how i come off to most people#and there's no prospect of anything changing and it's just like. sometimes in the night i think. well. i'm basically already dead then.#like. the last‚ i don't know‚ almost-decade at this point has been a slow painful process of sinking ever deeper into exile#stripping away various social positionalities and connections in trade for—nothing.#alien nation.#all the norms are shit but outside them—what is there.#anyway.#feelingsblogging
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this is like. super embarrassing but yeah :/ i ripped my only pair of jeans today, which really sucks :( disability support has until nov 8 to decide over my case and until then i have 0 income except from the tiny bits i scrap by. uhm if anyone could like, spare a euro maybe? i'd be very grateful. i also have things listed in my shop, some are only 1 cent (or whatever you want to pay for it), i also have some stickers here, here and here. some prints here and here . shipping is as low as it can be <3 and i also offer discount codes (use RATASSES for 5% off!!) you can also commission me!!
i'd appreciate any help, even just in the form of sharing this post or reblogging/sharing my art!!
GOAL HAS BEEN REACHED!!!!!!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!
#i *thankfully* have all groceries done for this week and don't have to worry about rent#but yeah :( clothing or any other items i need i just cant afford. i can just about cover my health insurance but even for that i have to#dip into my savings. i have my disability support case on september 7th. an entire month from now and THEN they have until nov 8 to reply#i also think they can even get an extension of 48 days after that? so they'd have until somewhere in january to reply and it's#im literally stuck. i cant get any other type of support because my boyfriend earns too much but we can barely scrape by in the month on hi#income and that's without my health insurance food and 0 savings#fuck this country istg. i want to move SO BADLY. because this country does nothing for me. NOTHING.#i have to wait an entire extra year to see if i can go to uni 😩 and im so stressed. first gray hair and im 21 <3 haha#anywy#im really sorry for having to do this :( i hate it sm#signal boost#sjonnies post#also if youve tipped me before please DONT tip me again!!!!!!! i dont want anyone to feel pressured or obligated please#only spare me some money if you are 100% sure you can miss it!!!!! not even 100% but 10000% sure!!!!!!!
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i am so norm(entally ill)al about her
#not even jinx comes close to how badly i want a happy ending for amelie#because as tragic as jinx is all the things she does are out of her own free will#but amelie!!! wouguebhreh AMELIE!!!!#she was kidnapped!!! FORCED!!!! forced to kill her husband!!! to become a weapon!!!! to feel nothing!!!!!#and the most frustrating thing is that every OW member who knew her from Before seems to have given up completely on her!!!!!#like!!!! yall realize she's been brainwashed and put through god knows what and WOUGUEHHE JUST PLEASE SOMEONE!!!!!!! GET HER OUT OF THERE!!#i have so so much to say abt her but then i remember she's an OW character and i'm like. god i need to spend my time in better ways#anyways gnight i just had to Yell abt her for a bit shes so 💥💥💥#mirambles#overwatch#widowmaker
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