can i be so honest. every critique ive read of nope so far has been very lacking

@ktdkvalentines​ for Syd on Ig Valentines Exchange

Bakudeku College Au. TW: panic attack, anxiety, some angst w/happy ending based on the request.

Izuku Midoriya was in a great mood that Fall morning as he arrived at the college campus. His first day of his first year away from home, ready to start the next leg of his journey. He’d chosen this university for its good reviews and psychology program. He wanted to do something good in his life and what better way then helping others who’d suffered like he had. Not that he’d had a horrible life but growing up in a single parent household created some attachment issues and bullying when he was younger left him with anxieties. All through high school he’d worked extra hard to get to a point where he could function most of the time, and he was proud of how far he’d come. That growth is what led him to pursue a career in psychology, to take his negative experiences and turn them into a positive one.

So, he wasn’t ready when he walked into the dorm room and saw the familiar blonde hair and red eyes of his nightmares looking back at him. 

Oh, this couldn’t be happening! Izuku swallowed hard, a mantra of calming statements flooding his brain as a silent staring content ensued. Neither man said a word, but the longer this went on for, the voices in his mind slowed and were replaced with questions. He was starting to realize... did the blonde even remember him?! He couldn’t tell if it was confusion, or maybe pain on the man’s twisted features, but it certainly wasn’t the angry boy he’d grown up with.

“Wow, Izuku is that you?” The man spoke with no malice in his tone, even rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “Been a long time, huh?”

“Yeah... about 7 years I think.”

“H-How you been?”

“Okay, I guess. A bit surprised to see a familiar face.”

The blonde’s shoulders dropped slightly, and he averted his eyes to the ground, “probably not who you’d hoped to see again...”

“I didn’t say...”

“No, no, it’s okay.” The man waved his hands to stop him. “I— I owe you an apology Zuku. And I’m not looking for forgiveness cause I don’t deserve it, but I hope we can, I don’t know like start off fresh, I guess, since we’re stuck in this room together.”

Izuku blinked in confusion, what had happened to Katsuki Bakugou in these past 7 years?! He was certain it wasn’t all arouse, or that the man was trying to bring his guard down, because Katsuki sounded genuine. Until the age of 2 or 3 they were actually really close, but for some reason by the end of their first year of primary school, he’d started picking on Izuku, or taking out his anger on the smaller boy. He had no idea what triggered it, but in the end, he was left emotionally scarred. Now, the man standing before him exuded a broken version of that 3-year-old child he once knew.

“You’re right. I lost count of how many times I ran home in tears because of you. We were best friends and it really hurt when you started picking on me and being mean to me.” The pain evident in his voice rang out into the small, shared room. “I don’t care why you did it. But,” Izuku continued with a sigh, “you’re right, I don’t wanna rehash the past either, so if we can just start over and put up with being roommates, we’ll see how it goes.”

“I’d like that. A-and I know it might not mean much but am sorry Zuku— about how I’d treated you. I promise, I’m not that guy anymore.”

“I believe you.” And he did, for now. Deep down, Izuku always tried to stay positive because if he didn’t, and allowed the irrational thoughts to fester, it could pull him right back into an episode. He didn’t fully trust Katsuki yet, but if was serious about going into the counseling field, he also knew it was important to continue moving forward. That didn’t mean divulging all of his secrets, or telling Katsuki about his own struggles, but he’ll stay alert to make sure that at any sign the man was slipping, he’d get out of there.

As the first two months crept along, the roommates went about their own business with very little interactions at first. It was a bit weird to Izuku, to be in a shared room where their beds were literally just a few feet from one another’s, yet they were lucky to go beyond a good morning or hello. In comfortable situations, he was a bubbly person who genuinely enjoyed talking to people, so the stillness of their room was unnerving. Of course, this was better than feeling fearful around Katsuki, but how are they to move forward and maybe become friends again, if they weren’t interacting?

So, because they weren’t talking, Izuku did the next best thing and observed. One thing that had not changed about Katsuki, was being meticulous. The blondes side of the room was always neat and tidy, books or stationery on the desk stacked perfectly, clothes in the closet organized by color and type, even the bed was always made with crisp corners. Early to bed and early to rise, the man had a ritual of sorts. If he wasn’t studying at his desk, he’d be on his bed reading or listening to music. Even the way Katsuki ate was curious to Izuku, constantly wiping his hands or face of any residue. There were a few things the blonde requested of him, no scented candles or strong, smelling fish type meals, and to leave his side of the curtains closed, something about the sunlight bothering him. They were simple enough requests to acquiesce to.

The man rarely left the room except to go to class and as far as he could tell, Katsuki had only one other friend on the campus who’d occasionally drop by. A nice guy, very friendly named Eijiro Kirishima. Well, he assumed they were friends because most of the time, his roommate stayed quiet while Eijiro did the talking. Izuku was pretty sure he spoke to the man more then Katsuki during these visits. They seemed unlikely friends really, one happy-go-lucky, and one anti-social... kind of reminded him of their once friendship now that he thought about it.

Izuku could appreciate the idea of sticking to familiar surroundings. Their dorm room was a sanctuary for him as well. He avoided large, crowded areas as much as possible, and if he didn’t know anyone, did his best to be inconspicuous. But within their room, with just the two of them, it should be a comfortable experience. Before coming to the school, he’d wondered what his roommate would be like or imagined making friends, so it was a little disappointing. By the third month it was a close friend of Izuku’s that suggested he make the first move to engage Katsuki in conversations. Start out simple, maybe learn any hobbies, what music he listened to, his major, etc. Forget the fact he knew the man and pretend as if he’s trying to make a new friend. Ugh, he hated making the first move. Izuku preferred being engaged not initiating it because it drove his anxieties up. But they were right. ‘Think of it like practice,’ Izuku reasoned with himself, ‘pulling a difficult client out of their shell.’

It was a lazy Sunday around midterms when Izuku decided to make a move. As he sat rested on his bed similarly to Katsuki, with his back against the wall and a textbook propped on his legs. Every few seconds, he glanced over the book’s edge, side-eyeing the blonde who was also nose deep into a chemistry textbook. Should he say something? But the man looked preoccupied, and Chemistry is a difficult subject. Maybe he shouldn’t bother Katsuki? He didn’t want to be annoying or anything and it wasn’t important really. Then again, the guy was always preoccupied with something or other and if he waited for a perfect moment, what if it never came? Would he wait forever? No, this was as good a time as ever.

Izuku lowered his book. “H-How’s the studying going Kacchan?”

The blonde turned to look at him briefly. “Fine.” Then returned to his reading.

“Oh, that’s good.”

Ugh! It was always so hard to get a read on Katsuki! His affect and tone were flat, no anger, amusement, nothing, just his common one worded response. It was rare for the blonde to give or maintain eye contact, so at least the man looked at him this time.

He tried another question. “I noticed your chemistry book, is that your major?”

“Yup.”

“Um, what do you do with a chemistry degree?” Izuku asked genuinely.

This time Katsuki surprised Izuku when he stopped and put his book down before engaging. “I’m fascinated by the chemical reactions of fire and combustion. How it works, why it occurs, how it can be manipulated, stuff like that. And I don’t know, I could be a scientist, or maybe do pyrotechnics, just work somewhere I don’t have to talk to too many people.”

“Wow! I mean I was never good at math and stuff to understand, but it sounds pretty interesting.”

“I guess so. What’s with the questions all of a sudden?”

“W-Well,” Izuku shifted his body to face the man completely, “we’re roommates. I don’t expect us to be full-on friends, but I figured it would be nice to talk sometimes.” Katsuki’s silent reply of nothing forced him to make a decision to continue talking, because he assumed if the man wasn’t interested, he would have turned away. Silence wasn’t exactly a normal response, but maybe the blonde really wasn’t sure what to say next. “I don’t expect you tell me super personal stuff— just small talk. Like, um, what kind of music do you like?”

“Alternative.”

Izuku’s eyes flashed with surprise at such a quick response. Okay, so Katsuki was fine with answering. “I like that too! Well, some,” he giggled. “Though I mostly listen to pop now. What about movies?”

“Horror films.”

“Oof,” Izuku cringed. “I can’t handle those they scare me too much!”

“I remember. It gave you nightmares.”

Bouncing on the bed, Izuku’s legs moved to hang over the edge in his excitement. He was really surprised in a good way that Katsuki remembered something so mundane about him. “Wow! You still remember that?! Yeah,” he laughed, “I’ll stick to sci-fi or action. Plus, I’m not fond of theaters anyways so, I just watch stuff on my laptop.”

“Why not? You used to be the outgoing one.”

That made Izuku flinch because he wasn’t ready to tread into that territory with his former bully. “Oh, you know, it’s always crowded, and you have to deal with parent-less kids causing a racket in the place. I rather just enjoy my movie without all that.”

“Makes sense. I don’t care to go to places like that either.”

“Yeah, I noticed that— is there anything you do like or hobbies maybe?”

“Just exercising in the early morning, by myself, except since Eijiro inserted himself, I tolerate him.”

So, that confirmed what he’d already suspected. Katsuki kept his body in really great shape and that hadn’t gone unnoticed by Izuku. But since he wasn’t much of a morning person, he didn’t notice what time Katsuki left the dorm, only the man’s return, showered and refreshed. Needless to say, the blonde male with wet hair was nice to look at and smelled good too. “Oh,” his face heated up at the thought of it, but he needed to play dumb. “So, that’s what you do in the mornings. I wondered about that.”

Things between the roommates settle into a comfortable routine. As another month passes by, Izuku still needed to start the conversation, but at least Katsuki would respond amicably or engaged with him, and to his delight with the help of Eijiro, they’d even managed to get the man to go out to dinner once. Those years of dread and angst were melting away, and soon enough Izuku looked forward to spending time with his old friend.

He still couldn’t get a full read on Katsuki’s demeanor. The man’s emotionless responses made it difficult to tell whether or not he was even enjoying anything. So, Izuku could only assume that by participating, he didn’t mind. The old Katsuki would say whatever he was thinking, good or bad, and while he got the sense that he would do so as needed, such as letting him know about the scent issue, it would be really nice if it didn’t feel like a guessing game all the time. Regardless, the progress they were making to rekindle any sort of relationship was a win in Izuku’s mind.

“Here.”

Izuku looked up from his desk to see a plastic shopping bag held in Katsuki’s hand. “What’s this?” He took it tentatively.

“I saw it at the store. You still into this stuff?”

He opened the bag and pulled out the latest action figure of his favorite comic book character. It was a figurine he’d been saving up his spare money to buy. “Kacchan,” Izuku looked back up curiously at the man. “Is this for me? How’d you know?”

Katsuki just shrugged. “Just remembered you were obsessed with the guy.”

“Thank you, really, but I can’t except this gift, it’s not even my birthday.”

“Just take it. Think of it as an I’m sorry gift if it makes you feel better.”

As Izuku sat there stunned, the blonde simply went back to his bed without another word and picked up a book as if nothing significant had just occurred.

“T-Thank you, Kacchan.”

“Yeah, no prob.”

His face heated up and a smile took over as he stared at the action figure for a few seconds before staging it prominently on his bedside table. Izuku had left all of his collectibles at home, so it was nice to have something in their room. But even more important, was again, Katsuki remembered something about Izuku from their childhood and took the time to get this gift. Despite their long rocky history, this small act meant the world to him. It was the first true moment to make Izuku think, maybe they really could be like they once were.

Finals were approaching in barely two more weeks, and some students were already stressing out. The anxiety in the air felt palpable to Izuku. He could feel it practically oozing off the other students. Of course, everyone dealt with stress in different ways. Some went inwards, the pressure fueling them to work harder while other’s went the completely opposite route of goofing off and procrastinating. Other’s might stress eat, binge caffeine drinks, and friends banded together in study groups. But then there are the ones who took out their frustrations and stress on others.

Bullies. The bane of Izuku’s existence.

Most of the time, he could easily avoid their type around campus. He’d developed a sixth sense for such individuals which his therapist explained as a heightened sense of energy levels. It’s really not as mystical as it sounds, rather that, those like him that suffer from a high level of anxiety, are sensitive to other people’s emotional outputs. Being bullied or harassed himself certainly sent his anxiety’s skyrocketing but seeing it could also trigger a problem depending on the severity.

Hence his current predicament...

It was the end of the day for Izuku and he was ready to just get back to his dorm, eat something, and dive into his studies. One of his teachers had released the finals study guide early, so he thought it best to get a head start. But as he made his way past the row of dorm buildings, Izuku spotted something that sent a cold chill down his spine. Three men cornering a fourth. They were at least 50 yards away and he couldn’t hear everything they were yelling. Something about a group project, pulling weight— One man had grabbed the victims shirt and was semi-lifting him up while the other two men just watched and egged him on.

Oh, this was not good! Izuku’s memories started to replay and his experiences were brought back to the forefront. The men’s faces were so close... he could almost feel the hot breath wafting over, spit hitting his face, or the smell of the bullies breath. It made him sick to his stomach. Izuku’s heart raced, his throat began to close up, and breathing grew erratic. He needed to get out of there! The red piercing eyes of his nightmares took center stage in his mind’s eye... all those times he was harassed and battered by Katsuki rushing back like a wave to toss him against a wall of sandy hair.

‘Deep breaths, deep breaths, deep breaths!’ Izuku screamed in his head, ‘calm down, calm down, get back to my room! It’s not you, it’s not you... it’s not him! It’s not him!!’

Izuku picked up the pace, a fast walk over a running sprint to avoid being noticed. The last thing he needed was to draw attention to himself and risk becoming the new target. He dug his nails hard into his arm to force his mind towards a physical distraction, but it wasn’t working.

A deep voice screamed, cursing at the top of its lungs, and filling Izuku’s mind, just like that long ago day. The worst attack, the one that finally pushed his mother to move him to a different school. All the fear coursing through his veins rush back, heart pounding against his rib cage. Katsuki had grabbed him, hand fisted into his shirt as he pushed Izuku up a wall and off his feet. He could still feel the cold stone wall behind him juxtaposed to the pain from his hot throbbing lip and swollen cheek where he’d been struck.

He burst through the dorm room door, stumbling, spilling his bag onto the floor as he fell to his knees, gasping for air because his jaw felt locked up and he couldn’t get enough air. All of his muscles were tensing up, imagined or not, it felt like he was suffocating. His body was shaking, sweating— he wanted to puke.

“Whoa, Zuku, what’s wrong?!”

Katsuki had rushed over and dropped to the floor, grabbing Izuku by the shoulders to hold him up and steady. But he couldn’t answer the man in words. Tears were streaming down his face as he did his best to focus and answer the man, but it was tough, fighting against the rapid assault of images in his mind and cursing blaring in his eardrums.

“Fuck, um, allergic reaction?!”

Izuku shook his head violently, no.

“Choking?!”

Again, Izuku shook his head violently, no.

“Panic attack?!”

Izuku now adamantly shook his head, yes!

“Okay, okay, shit, panic attacks, um, it’s been awhile, what do I— oh, right, okay, okay, d-don’t move!” Katsuki stumbled back to his feet and ran out of the room, coming back within a minute with a cup of ice cubes from the common kitchen. He takes one, two, three, shoving it into Izuku’s mouth. It took a bit of effort to get the man’s jaw to open wide enough to shove it in. “Close your mouth all the way, try to get the ice to touch the roof of your mouth.”

Seconds after the ice touched, it sent a brain freeze from hell shooting through Izuku’s pain receptors. “Ahhh!” He spat out all the melting cubes as his hands fly up to his head, cradling, squeezing to counter against the physical pain, “cold! Cold! Cold!”

At that statement, Katsuki slumped back onto his haunches in relief. “Oh good, it worked.” He then took Izuku’s hands with an even soft tone. “Look at me.” Once the man complied, he continued. “Focus on your breathing, inhale when I say to, exhale when I say to.”

Izuku struggled against the embers of irrational thoughts coupled with the brain freeze coming down. His breathing stayed haggard, jagged as he fought his own mind to follow Katsuki’s instructions. But every time he’d start to struggle, the man would refocus him back to the breathing by pressing his thumb nail into the webbing of Izuku’s hand. Not very hard, but enough of a sting to bring back his focus on the physical. It took about 15 minutes until he could breathe in time with Katsuki’s words.

Be it the overwhelming sense of release or sheer exhaustion, Izuku collapsed on to Katsuki’s chest. His panicked breathing whittled down to silent sobbing. The blonde didn’t move or flinch and held the man up, simply keeping his arms around his back without a word. Minutes dragged by as the tears finally slowed.

“Thank you, Kacchan,” Izuku breathed out. “How’d you know what to do?”

“Let’s just say, I’ve had my share.”

Izuku sat back, rubbing away the moisture drying on his cheeks as he looked at his roommate with new eyes. “You? W-When? I-I mean if you don’t wanna say, it’s fine, I’ll understand. We probably both have a lot a secrets.”

Katsuki thought for a moment. “If I tell you what happened, you gotta come clean too.”

He hadn’t expected that, but after what had just occurred, perhaps it was time. “Okay,” Izuku nods.

“In middle school I was sent to a therapist because of my anger issues and diagnosed as a high functioning autistic. Frankly, I don’t know how much to believe in that, but in the end, the therapist was a good thing.” Katsuki leaned back against a desk leg. “The short answer, I learned the reason I’d started bullying you was because I was getting frustrated with myself which lead to anger, and I wrongly took it out on the closest person to me.”

“Why were you frustrated? I thought we were fine...”

“It had nothing to do with you. It was me and I don’t know, I just started feeling different, I didn’t like being around people, didn’t understand or even care about anyone because I couldn’t figure out how to fit in. Yet I’d watch you make friends so effortlessly and I got mad. There’s a lot more to it, even blamed my mom for some of it, but I just didn’t know how else to get it out except through anger. It took a few years to learn to control myself. That’s one of the reasons I got into exercising. If I start feeling frustrated, I can take it out that way now, burn off the excess energy I guess.”

Izuku was a little taken aback at the idea Katsuki’s been diagnosed on the autism spectrum. The man didn’t seem like he had a mental disorder, but the clues were there. The aversion to certain stimulus, social apathy, his fixations on certain elements. “Wow... I had no idea. It doesn’t excuse what you did, but I’m glad you’ve come this far.”

“So, what about you?”

“I don’t think it was just the bullying that started it all. After my dad left us, I was already vulnerable, it’s why I latched onto you so quickly. So, when you started— I-I felt extremely hurt. You were my first friend, my best friend Kacchan and when you started hurting me... I don’t know what was worse, the physical pain or the mental ones. By the time I moved schools, I’d developed anxiety and depression, and it got so bad my mom finally took me to a therapist where I worked all through high school to get it under control. I do really good now, but sometimes things trigger me.” More tears resurface to cloud Izuku’s eyes, but he kept them from spilling. “Today, on my way here, I-I saw a guy being harassed and it brought it all back again. Nothing was working, so I just thought if I could just get to safety, a-and I don’t know, I figured I could get it under control once I was alone. But I’m glad you were here, because I don’t think I could have. You really, saved me today Kacchan.”

“It doesn’t make up for anything. I’m the asshole who made you like this.”

He snorted a laugh, “that’s for sure, but the cause became the cure.”

“What?”

“You caused this, but today you cured it. That means a lot to me because I do want to forgive you.”

“No. I don’t deserve a second chance. I’m content that we’re at least on speaking terms again and I could make amends somehow.”

“Kacchan, everyone deserves a second chance.” Izuku’s smile returned. “We were kids. You didn’t know better. And you’ve changed, that’s the important thing. I think we’ve both changed.”

“How?”

“Well, it’s those experiences that helped me to find a new passion in life to help others— people like us who are struggling with something. Turn a negative into a positive.”

“How the hell do you do that? You just had a panic attack and you’re already sunny smiles again. I mean you were always like this, and it’s me, I just don’t get emotions, but if you wanna forgive me, I guess I can’t stop you.”

Izuku shrugged. “Nope you, can’t,” he smiled wider. “Right now, this is probably the happiest I’ve felt in a very long time.” He stood up and extended a hand, helping Katsuki to his feet. “Dinner, my treat.”

“I don’t feel like going out.”

“I know,” Izuku smiled. “I’ll order in.”

i’m genuinely curious now though. i agree people are flimsy in judging good or bad rep but. considering the meaning for lgbt rep to exist is for people to see themselves and feel comforted that it’s okay to love who they love. what’s a show or film looks like to you devoid of a romantic storyline. i get a story about friends that are all lgbt interacting and living life and that’d be pretty interesting, but outside of this one option. do we get the token gay character that exists to fill up a quota in show full of straight people or what. how does that work

edit: i definitely answered this more passive aggressively than i intended msjfkdks apologies for that but the implication that fatou could be a token gay shocked me to my core ❤️ putting this edit as a heads up before the actual answer so y'all r prepared rip

i'm not sure if u r seriously calling fatou the token gay or? the token x character refers to usually side characters who r put in the show just to make the illusion of diversity while the show actually doesn't do anything abt their story. in fact many token gay characters r only represented when they r in a relationship bc the writers don't care abt writing lgbt individuals. so writing an entire season abt a lesbian who's plot consist of her living as an individual, as more than one half of a relationship, is the exact opposite of tokenism

if i'm understanding this correctly u seem to think lgbt rep boils down to romantic relationships n anything besides that is secondary? here's a post where i talked abt why this kind of perspective regarding lgbt ppl is flawed or u can read this post talking abt the topic as well. the feeling of comfort abt loving who u love is only one small facet of representation n as u said urself the meaning of rep is ppl seeing themselves in the characters. surprisingly lgbt ppl can see themselves in.. lgbt ppl. even if those ppl r single

if being lgbt is only meaningful & relatable to u when it's abt romantic love & relationships then that's okay but that's just how u personally see it. for example i myself am a student trying to graduate in the middle of a pandemic. i would rather die than make time for a girlfriend rn will u be taking my lgbt card away tomorrow?? do u believe single lgbt ppl don't exist or that they don't experience life through the perspective of being lgbt, just bc they don't have a partner?

the lgbt labels r identities. they exist independently whether ur in a relationship or not. fatou didn't become a lesbian when she kissed kieu my, she's a lesbian when she struggles at school, she's a lesbian when she fights w her friends, she's a lesbian when she takes a test to learn if she has a learning disability, she's a lesbian every single second she is shown on screen. what's so bad abt seeing snippets of a lesbian's regular life? u seem to think that the only difference between cishets & lgbt individuals is our relationships but that's not true in the slightest. i don't experience school or work or just life in general in any way similar to that of straight person just bc i want to be single?

fatou represents black lesbians, fatou represents lesbians w learning disabilities, she represents lesbians struggling w school, she represents insecure ppl, and yes she even represents lesbians in relationships w other women bc that's still been a huge part of the season. her identity just doesn't depend on whether she's kissing a girl 24/7

think mia's season. she was a bisexual character so her season was an lgbt season but it's not good rep bc her lable was clearly an after-thought. they didn't write bisexuality as her identity they just treated it as a lable they can slap on a character they originally wrote as straight n pretend u only identify w the lable when u enter a relationship. fatou however was very much written identity first - relationship second. when she's down she watches wlw proposals. who can relate? when she's on a dating app she gets unsolicited three some requests. who can relate?

how many of u were thrilled to see a lesbian showing physical affection toward her female friends & make smth romantic for them when a prevalent stereotype abt lgbt ppl is that they r predatory or gross for approaching straight ppl? who was happy to see that fatou has a bond & a deep friendship w the other black girl in her friend group "even tho" she's straight bc funny enough being gay isn't the only axis of oppression? who has been enjoying seeing fatou, a canon black lesbian, living her very multifaceted life w/o ever being reduced down to her romantic relationship?

— ( harry styles, cismale, he/him ) &. * — meet ( cornelius ‘ oliver ’ edwards ) ! ( he ) is ( twenty five ) years old and has lived in st. helens for ( two ) years . when they’re not helping the town prepare for halloween , they work as a ( baker ) . around here, they’re known to be ( idealistic ) & ( intuitive ) yet ( unpredictable ) & ( destructive ) and apparently their favorite fall activity is ( visiting the farmer’s market ) . safe to say it really wouldn’t be halloweentown without them !

hiya! i am kt &+ underneath the read more is a LOT of info about my bb, cornelius/oliver. ** insert clown emoji but make ‘em yee-haw ** if you’d like to plot you can reach me on here or at space cowboy#8536 on discord !! <33 v excited to interact with y’all and your bbs !!

( DISCLAIMER : THIS IS LONG - WOW !!! just felt a lot of muse !!! apologies !!  ) 

𝖘𝖙𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖎𝖈𝖘

name: cornelius oliver edwards.

nicknames: ollie, ol, lee !! literally whatever - “hey, you” dkjfgn

gender: cismale. pronouns: he, him.

age: twenty-five.

birthday: june 27th.

zodiac: cancer !!

orientation: pansexual / panromantic.

occupation: baker // aspiring filmmaker.

languages spoken: english & french.

𝖎𝖓𝖘𝖕𝖎𝖗𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓

- PINTEREST - featuring his wardrobe, his home, his aesthetic, some character inspo and olive, his german shepard pup !!

- SPOTIFY PLAYLIST - what oliver is currently listening to !!

personality type: INFJ-T / THE ADVOCATE

moral alignment: chaotic good

style-wise: oliver is v stylish, but isn’t overly flashy by any means. he’s intuitive in the sense of what works and what doesn’t. willing to explore the latest wardrobe craze, but also just likes what he likes and likely won’t venture out unless pressed by another to do so. post coming soon for his wardrobe !!! they say that the cancer man’s clothing is selected to reflect “ sophistication over flash “ but kdgjn i’ll let ya’ll be the judge of that. he’s v much harry inspired clothing wardrobe, but also tones it down with some casual looks, especially with being in the bakery and getting his hands dirty in creative aspects !!

𝖇𝖆𝖈𝖐𝖌𝖗𝖔𝖚𝖓𝖉

   oliver was born in kent, england. he’s the youngest in his family of three, having an older brother and sister w/ two loving parents. when he was nine, his family packed up and moved to southern california, where they resided until oliver left for college on the east coast - his family trading off between living back in england and on the west coast throughout the year. upon moving to a new country at a young age, oliver truly found himself via escaping into various books and movies. often attempting to write his own and would force encourage his siblings to act his skits/plays out for his parents enjoyment. growing up, oliver also enjoyed playing all types of sports ( his parents kind of threw him in hoping he’d make friends ), but when it came down to it, athletic abilities-wise, there truly wasn’t anything that he wasn’t ‘ good ‘ at, and that’s simply because he’s always been such a competitive individual / as well as a perfectionist. that competitive/perfectionist energy caused him to go home and practice a skill or trick for hours in order to be able to come back the next day and whoop everyone’s asses. throughout highschool ; oliver was a v dedicated student. although he’s a bit reckless and loved to goof off, he was always acing classes and applying himself. he genuinely cares for others, you could’ve seen his ass volunteering at a soup kitchen with his mom on sundays and what not, as well as take part in various clubs and sports ! just SOFT and sportythings.

   post-high school, oliver attended NYU double majoring in film & television and dramatic writing. despite his extensive and well received portfolio, oliver has always been a perfectionist and overcritical of his work, unwilling to share his projects with anyone until he deems them to be ~ perfect ~ himself. after graduating, he spent a year traveling, trying to find a bit of inspiration around him and taking up odd jobs to get some $$ of his own, dog walking, attempting his best at being a handy man, etc !! he moved back home to socal, and eventually made his way up to st.helen’s after he was sent a job posting for the bakery in town !! although he knows he doesn’t want to pursue a career in baking forever, he’s enjoying his time while trying to find a bit more muse for his future film&writing career.

   overall, oliver can come off as a bit reserved, and distant whether that be a result of his untrusting nature of others, or simply unfamiliarity. it takes a bit of time before he feels comfortable to share his true opinion / commentary / only doing so when he feels secure to do so. he’s not necessarily unfriendly, just a bit distant / lost in his thoughts. which varies, as with most ppl ofc, upon person to person and his level of comfortability among them. despite his often lack of conversation, he abhors an uncomfortable silence to settle and will fill it with nonsense to simply avoid the feeling altogether. so, if you ever want to catch him rambling, just making him uncomfortable dkjfngdf. he definitely approaches most things with a bit of ‘ tough love ‘ . he doesn’t mind getting into a quarrel or two if he knows its worth the outcome he’s envisioned. oliver will tell others when they are fucking up, and if they are throwing a punch as a result - catch him leaning into it, which explains his bout of reckless antics. he can come off as a know it all, when it comes to advice giving, but more so because he thinks he’s really good at analyzing others and situations they are in, not necessarily because he’s lived through them himself, he’s just rather intuitive and able to empathize quite easily with others despite his verbal admittance of it. when it comes down to this binches reckless bits, he just feels so intensely that he ends up numbing himself in the aftermath of it all ( especially bc he’s definitely not sharing those feelings with the people around him ), therefore he’s willing to put himself into harms way in order to get a bit of that - happiness / pain, it doesn’t matter to him as long as he no longer feels overwhelmed by numbness. so, if ya see him with some scrapes and stitches ~ mind ya business. but he’ll likely try to drag somebody else into it, and make it seem like it was their idea. but if he is truly comfortable with somebody, he walks a fine line of won’t stop talking, especially if it’s an interest of his, and comfortable silence.

𝖕𝖊𝖗𝖘𝖔𝖓𝖆𝖑𝖎𝖙𝖞 & 𝖍𝖆𝖇𝖎𝖙𝖘

he is a CANCER, therefore in this essay i will..... kidding but here’s some fun cancer info i saw that applies to my bb !! at first he appears to be wistful, sarcastic ( maybe a lil crabby ) , shy, distant and mysterious. this personality remains if he isn’t completely comfortable around somebody. but overall, that’s just his facade, his ‘smokescreen’ of sorts to scare off the world from his outwards persona. underneath that layer ( makes me think of shrek metaphor with onions // don’t mind me ), BUT he’s gentle, kind and affectionate ( if you manage to make it to that level * bell dings * ) !!! overall, oliver is a sensitive soul, a bit emotional although he’d rather d*e than show that to others. likely will internalize anything that can hurt his feelings / a low blow and will do something chaotic as a result later on bc of it. very polite, and a little worldly, he is truly the epitome of old-school gentlemanly manners. chivalry coming as a second nature to him !!

that was getting ramble-y, so continuing HERE. but when it comes to romance, as per the cancer man, the concept of love is a mystery, one that oliver is trying to attain. however, his shyness and innate distrust of others make it difficult for him to allow himself to fall in love. his guard is always up when it comes to his emotions, and it’ll take a bit of prodding before he’s willing to speak up on what’s desired from him. he’s v picky when it comes to finding the “ partner of his dreams “ - but he’s def willing to throw himself into the romance of the situation, i.e. buying flowers, riding white horses, and slaying metaphorical dragons. the traditional side means that he will shower his partner with thoughtful gifts, wine and dine them in the best restaurants, and try to grant their every wish. he will take the garbage out, fix that wobbly shelf, navigate on road trips, and kill more so trap and release bugs for his partner, and most important of all he will do it all without being asked. his loyalty and keen attention to the needs and wants of his potential partner. so basically, more so willing to showcase through actions than speak on it. it’s the little things, right ??!?!?! he def cherishes not just the act of being in a relationship, but what it means to become one with another person in mind, body, and soul.

prides himself on being able to make a mean cup of coffee, likely the worst person to watch a movie with bc he knows exactly how it’s going to end after only watching five minutes of it, he has a godawful sense of direction, will walk in circles for fifteen minutes before even raising a question about it/noticing ( but he refuses to acknowledge it. )

his house, car, workspace, junk drawer, closet….you name it - it’s organized, practically sparkling. often times arranged by color, and / or style. nothing is ever out of place, and if it is - there’s trouble brewing. but, more than anything, if he’s visiting somebody’s place and it’s messy, he will spend a solid thirty minutes picking everything up before doing whatever it is that was intended.

likes : reading, flowers, handwritten notes/letters, deep cleaning, baking, curating soundtracks for his film projects, watching the history channel and true crime docs and playing / watching hockey !!

dislikes : artichoke, clutter, sandals ( fkjgh ), unrealistic plotlines in movies &+ burnt coffee.

habits : smoking cigarettes - although he’s been meaning to quit. likely has a severe caffeine addiction, although he’s now normalized having six cups of coffee throughout his day. he’s an early riser, no matter how little the amount of sleep he’s received, he’s always the first to rise - for his early morning runs !!

strengths: creative, insightful, inspiring, convincing, determined and passionate, decisive, altruistic, intuitive !!

weaknesses: sensitive, extremely private, perfectionist, low-key always needs to have a cause / purpose, can burn out easily !! 

overall : oliver truly strives to be kind, and genuinely wants for everyone to get along. treat people with kindness and the like. he has the best of intentions, but often times that can get a bit muddled with the way he goes about things due to his bit of chaotic energy / as well as his often points of getting lost in his thoughts. he won’t realize he’s been quiet for the last three hours unless it’s mentioned to him. he will do anything to lighten a dark mood, and will sacrifice / throw himself under the bus if its needed. however, he also is the type to cause the dark mood depending on the day. wahoo! his more reckless antics increase when he’s feeling a bit emotional !! but he’ll likely try and convince somebody to propose the idea so it’s not on him. 

𝖗𝖆𝖓𝖉𝖔𝖒 𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖉 𝖈𝖆𝖓𝖔𝖓𝖘

in an attempt to throw himself into the town’s traditions and what not, after moving to st. helen’s oliver decided it was upon himself to put on a very spooo0ooky haunted house! so, catch him converting his home into a haunted house for the month of october !!! nothing cheesy either !! it’s more a psychological scare dkjgn with some gore elements !! EnTeR iF yOu DaRe !!!

he bounced around playing sports growing up, but favored ice hockey and field lacrosse out of them all.

HE WANTS TO JOIN A BOOKCLUB PLEASE !!!!!!!! or at least have some casual moments of silence with another reading. plz and tysm.

he is a vegetarian ! he has been since his freshman year of high school and has no plans on eating seafood/meat ever again.

he loves fancy wine ~ he’s cultured. visits seb’s winery v often !!!

he can play the drums !!

he collects vintage matchbooks and the stickers off of various fruits ( he puts them in a little notebook - can be found on his bookshelf ).

saves handwritten notes and letters from pals.

he loves to garden !!!! he has a specified rose shearing hat.

to make things a bit simple, he has all of harry’s tattoos !!  might add more along the way !! stay tuned, folks !!

𝖜𝖆𝖓𝖙𝖊𝖉 𝖈𝖔𝖓𝖓𝖊𝖈𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓𝖘

honestly, i am so up for anything !!! please accept this ramble of ideas thrown below.  if you have any other ideas, lmk !!!! <3333 :’-)

( 2 / 2 ) - BFFZ : the z for an added emphasis dkfjgnd. somebody who likely has a key to oliver’s house, they can enjoy one anothers company as well as the bouts of comfortable silence. you know how best friends are but kdjfngd still !! whether they are likeminded or polar opposites that just flow ~~ down for anything !! even a trio of sorts ?!

( 0 / ?? ) - MUSE(S) : somebody that he often strikes inspo from for his short films and what not !! or has starred/he plans to have them star in his future compilations of sorts !! can be simply from their own ideals, their look / ~vibe~ dkfjgn // whatever !!

( 1 / 1 ) - RIDE OR DIE / CHAOTIC COMPANION : it would be wrong to say one is the more likely the bad influence over the other, although oliver may just be. these two find themselves bounding into, well hell, ( i guess??? ) together. playing on one anothers impulsiveness and if one ends up in the back of a police car, the other is handcuffed to them. and yet despite the length of their potential injuries, they find themselves thinking of something crazier to subject them to the next time around.

( 1 / 1 ) - GUARDIAN ANGEL / GOOD INFLUENCE : with ollie being a bit chaotic in nature, he needs somebody that is likely going to steer him clear from all the ideas that’ll bring him to the brink of disaster. he’s impulsive and in that desperate attempt to feel again, he’s very likely to bring a bit of mayhem upon himself. so while they may be worrying and attempting to talk his ideas down, he’s trying to get them to go along with his plan. it may be rare that he actually takes their advice, but when he does it seems to be for the best.

( 0 / 1 ) - PARTY FRIEND : these two know how to have a good time together. despite the amount of alcohol they are throwing back and the shenanigans they find themselves in as a result, this is a time where they also find themselves confiding in one another. if you look at their camera rolls, it’s likely they have tons of embarrassing and unflattering videos and pics of one another, in between their sob-worthy confessionals and venting/rants. these two trust one another, and although they love getting wreckT together, they find themselves discussing very raw and personal details. likely the only person oliver confides in, simply bc he’s completely plastered.

( 1 / 1 ) - SIBLING-LIKE RELATIONSHIP : these two have a love/hate relationship, very sibling like filled with pranks, competition, teasing and playful banter. however, when it comes down to it they have so much love and respect for one another. they know that no matter what happens they will always have one anothers back and be supportive of the other. truly a pure content filled relationship.

okay quick mention, ENEMY PLOTS ?!?!?!?!?!? i would live for one. i can’t imagine oliver being hardcore nasty, but i’d like to see whatever version comes out for this. so let’s get it djfngjakdfg maybe they just hold different viewpoints on the world and what not and clash, anything really !!! v open !!

( 1 / 1 ) - MENTOR - oliver needs a bit of structured or unstructured guidance, all depending on what their deemed mentor is wanting to impart on him, a bit of wisdom or slight chaos. kdjfgn he’ll take anything !! life advice in any and all aspects. maybe they come into the bakery, or maybe they help him with his garden. who knows, i certainly don’t know how they met, but we’ll figure it out ?!?!

RANDOM LITTLE IDEAS : maybe they’ve heard of one another in town, but haven’t quite met yet! or maybe they see each other around all the time, but have yet to introduce themselves to one another but low-key maybe in some online forum for the town together ?! who knows some fun things kdjnfg i AM OPEN !

ooh maybe a slowburn of sorts ?! something spicy to wreck ollie’s and my life with.  dkfjgn we can base this off of chemistry !!! :’-) 

my ii m&g experience ♥

(long rambling and pic spam ahead)

arriving + waiting in line

prior to and upon arriving at the venue, i was SO incredibly nervous to the point that it nearly overpowered my excitement. my heart had been racing all week and my stomach was in knots. i’d been anticipating this very day for almost a year and i was absolutely terrified that something would go wrong. i kept having thoughts like, “what if there’s a ton of unexpected traffic backed up for hours and i miss the meet and greet?” “what if there’s something wrong with my ticket??” “what if i forget something important and i’m denied access?” “what if i DIE before i get there!?” luckily, none of my delusional fears from my panicked state of mind came true and most of my anxiety disappeared after i was given my wristband.

meeting and conversing with the lovely new friends i made in line put me at enough ease that my ability to comprehend the intense reality of the situation was beginning to vanish. everything was too dreamlike to feel real. was i really mere minutes away from meeting my idols??

suddenly, everyone started screaming. i looked up and saw phil standing at the rail. i nearly had a damn heart attack!! that’s phil! he literally looks like an angel! i heard dan’s voice from the other corner and turned around to see him right above us! that’s dan!! he glows! o m g !! there they are!! in person! holy s*** that’s actually them!!! whatever they said to us either completely went over my head or was entirely forgotten because i don’t recall any of it. this was the most surreal moment of my life.

shoutout to the girl on twitter who filmed some of this and caught my reaction after they waved and left lmao

i guess this is what my mind being completely blown looks like??!?

my adrenaline was through the roof, but i was too stupefied to feel emotional yet. my throat was drying as the line in front of me gradually got shorter. the lack of air conditioning upstairs didn’t help. i was close enough to talk to marianne (a queen, btw) about what i wanted to give them. i had a letter from a friend and two of my ii themed d&p drawings that i made into magnets. she told me she would keep them and give them to dan and phil after the meet and greet. disappointing, but understandable. i wrote my name on the magnets but they won’t have a clue who i am. oh well. here’s what they look like:

before i knew it, it was my turn to meet them. a friend i met in line agreed to film my meet and greet but was too nervous to do so once we approached our turns. although it sucks to not have footage, i fully understand having anxiety. she’s very sweet and i’d never want to cause her any stress.

the actual meeting and greeting:

before i get into the personal details and talk about my interaction with them, i’ll describe their irl voices and appearances. 

i’d say they sound exactly the same in person. they don’t necessarily look any different from how they do in pictures and videos, just more radiant; especially phil. his hair somehow looks even darker irl and there’s an indescribably beautiful contrast between his black hair, vibrant eyes, and pale skin. it makes him look otherworldly. his features are sharp. dan’s stubble is actually quite prominent, even from a distance. his features are soft. there’s not really much else to say about his appearance; he’s just as gorgeous in the flesh as he is on a screen. they were just as tall as i expected them to be so i wasn’t alarmed by their height. it did, however, feel different to look up at them and see them from a new (significantly lower) angle as opposed to seeing them from an eye-level camera angle. the same can be said about viewing them on stage from a close orchestra seat.

now, onto the good part! i wish i could remember more details, but meeting them was such a blur that i didn’t feel like it even happened at all until the next day (more on that later). most of my dreams are more vivid than this memory is. my brain was majorly lagging from the moment i was far enough ahead in line to be off the stairs, and my entire consciousness seemed to exist in some alternate dimension when i walked toward their direction to be greeted. i remember one or both of them saying, “hiii!” and dan saying “thanks for coming to see us!” i remember phil instantly opening his arms and asking if i wanted a hug. i think i said, “hi! yes i do!” i remember it being so much easier to talk to them than i thought it would be. words came naturally despite having very little awareness of what i was saying and—due to being in such a daze—completely forgetting to say any of the important things i’ve always wanted to tell them. they were both so warm, gentle, and welcoming. i was too out of it to realize this at the time, but looking back, they treated me like i was an old friend of theirs; like i was someone who mattered. that warms my heart. they genuinely care about making us feel comfortable and relaxed.

dan did most of the talking. i don’t remember what either of their hugs felt like, but i do remember dan giving me one of his awkward “dan hugs” lol. dan and i were both wearing striped shirts and he said that we were “totally coordinated with our stripes” which made me WAY happier than it should have, but oh man i was BEAMING. “we are!”

when phil asked if i’d like to have something signed, i took out a print of the two portraits i drew of them. “yes, can you sign my art please?” after handing the print to them, dan said, “oh my god did you draw these??” and i responded with something dumb like, “i did! it took me like my entire life but yeah!!” i really wish i could have seen them react to my drawings, but i didn’t think to look at their faces when i showed them. in fact, i’m not even sure if i made eye contact with them at all. they complimented me on my art but i don’t remember what they said. i'm not 100% certain, but i think dan called it incredible.

dan offered to take the selfie so i handed him my phone and we all got close and smiled for the camera. i noticed from other people’s meet and greet pics that phil had a tendency to lean his head in next to fans, but i’d of course forgotten about this detail. i was so weak later on when i saw how close our faces were in the group photo, w o w !! i asked if we could take individual pictures as well and dan said, “of course!”

this is the part i remember the most clearly. taking individual pictures was almost like hugging them again, only better because i was a little more aware—i was almost able to actually process it this time. looking at them you’d expect to feel nothing but firmness and bones, but they’re both delightfully squishy; especially dan. they’re two tall adorable teddy bears. dan fondly said, “thank you philip” when phil took our picture and it was the cutest thing. after the pictures were taken, i thanked them for about the tenth time. i remember saying “thank you” and “thank you so much” to almost everything they said and did. i probably would have thanked them if they accidentally stepped on my foot or dropped my phone. they told me to enjoy the show and i thanked them once more. i wished them a good show and at some point i think i said, “it was really nice meeting you.” we waved and said our goodbyes to each other.

and then it was over.

wait, it’s over. what the hell just happened?

i literally forgot everything on the spot.

everything happened so rapidly and it ended before i had even begun to take any of it in. i really wish i could have absorbed the moment more. i wish i could have said more. this may sound silly, but none of it felt real. it didn’t initially feel like, “aah i just met dan and phil!!” instead, it felt more like, “...did i really meet dan and phil? wouldn’t i have remembered meeting them if it really happened?” i was so disappointed in myself. how was i that spaced out the whole time? i expected a more emotional experience, but it was all so surreal that i wasn’t even in touch with reality, let alone with my emotions. i didn’t know how to react, so i blanked out into a strange semiconscious state and i hated myself for it. 

i went on to realize that meeting them was indeed a very emotional experience; i just needed to fully recover from my daze for it to hit me. while most of my memory is still a blur, several small details came back to me the following day bit by bit. it was enough for me to look back on and miss. it took me days to recall everything i wrote about above. i did cry. i was emotionally impacted, just not right away. it had to catch up with me. meeting them was absolutely amazing. looking at my pictures and signed artwork elates me. i actually met dan and phil!

even though i didn’t say what i wanted to, i’m grateful that i managed to talk to them at all. i was so sure i’d either stumble over my words or end up speaking in my stupid high-pitched nervous voice. i was also afraid i’d cry in front of them and i didn’t. it went smoothly and i survived. i have a few regrets, but i still loved it. i loved them.

i’d do it again in a heartbeat.

yes i was very extra with the editing but these pics mean a lot to me and i wanted them to look the best they could

what i didn’t get to say: 

@danielhowell @amazingphil thank you for inspiring so much creativity, motivation, and passion within me. you guys are the reason i wanted to start drawing again. you’re the reason why i stopped immediately giving up. you’re the reason i’ve met so many spectacular people and became part of such a diverse and extraordinary community. you guys give me a reason to smile. i love you, thank you for everything ♥ - alexis

Note: this is a continuation of a post // extremely long

101 reasons why Jikook/Kookmin is my ultimate OTP or 101 times Jikook made my heart flutter (Part 2)

PART 1

51) A jikook compilation wouldn’t be a compilation without THE back hugs.

Hands on waist...

Chin on shoulder...

52) Not long after Jimin tweeted a pic of ramen, Jungkook indirectly replied to him by posting FOUR selcas of him along with a message telling him his ramen looked bland. idk about you but i found this interaction cute.

53) The artistic couple.The muscle pig and manggaetteok drawings that were featured in Snow App. They even drew the chicken drawings on the menu at Isac. I can imagine them sitting and drawing random things together. ㅠㅠ 

54) Jimin posted not one but three videos on Jungkook’s birthday, which means he wished Jungkook three times on SNS and made my head spin thrice.

55) Jimin and Jungkook took photos of each other sleeping.

56) When Jungkook thought there was no camera around when they were rounding the corner so he went up to Jimin and slid his hand around his waist. Little did he know they got caught on camera. I’d like to thank Yoongi’s vj for this awesome footage.

57) The many times Jimin has summoned Jungkook for Armys. In simpler words, Jungkook always tweets something after Jimin, and we all know how seldom he appears on Twitter.

58) “hyung has cute toes” Okay but like who lingers around his friend’s photo shoot and randomly blurts out that he has cute..toes????

59) The look! Jungkook’s expression when he’s feeding Jimin earns him a spot on this list haha. Tbh They’re kinda like eyefucking eo when jimin’s being fed. look at Jimin’s eyes. Apart from that I like how Jungkook fed him.

60) Their interactions the whole ISAC. Masterlist 👣

61)  How can I miss this? Jikook in Japan..this one has a special place in my heart. Back in 2016, it had been just a casual discussion between me and my friends on kakao. Never thought jikook would continue displaying PDA every single time they go to Japan. What’s more when they have very strict no-camera policy during concerts.

62) The amount of heart eyes they shoot at each other.

63) When they had a dinner date in the dorm to promote Mala Hot Chicken. What baffled me was that Jungkook mentioned beforehand he wanted to sleep but he still accompanied Jimin. I’m soft.

64) Jimin has made it very apparent, truly obvious that he likes jungkook. Whether it’s liking him as a dongsaeng, or just someone he’s extremely comfortable with, Jimin always, without failing, reminds us who he dotes on. “Why do I like you so much?” Lately, I’ve been crazy because I like Jungkook so much. I think of this as a start of something beautiful, and I am so glad Jimin didn’t even hesitate in expressing his feelings towards the maknae. I think this might have helped jungkook unwind. Look at jungkook now. That’s some character development right there :)

65) Massage. Quoted line from AHL mentor, Tony Jones “They are very touchy feely and to them, it’s nothing. I’d walk into the room and Suga’s massaging V’s neck or Jimin’s giving Jungkook an intimate back massage..”

66) When Jungkook bent down so he would get closer to Jimin and put the rein-kook headband on Jimin’s head. They’re separated a lot of times during fansigns but somehow they managed to get tgt at the end.

67) When Jungkook blows a kiss, then turns to Jimin whose lips are puckered and does the same to him, using the same fingers he used earlier. Okay I’ve been meaning to say this. Realistically speaking, if you pucker your lips and you put your fingers on them, wouldn’t your saliva stick to your fingers? I’m not trying to imply anything here, just genuinely asking haha. 140529 Ameba Studio

68) When a webtoon artist gave Jimin two dolls, but Jimin decided to give one to Jungkook. She even posted a webtoon of them. To be honest who wouldn’t?

69) *screams to the people in the back* ALL-NIGHTER FRIENDS!!! As written by the man himself, “ALL the time, it’s just the two of us doing something at night. I don’t know what we do”

70) Jungkook scribbling hearts all over Jimin’s birthday drawing. He’s one whipped man.

71) Just other instances Jungkook and Jimin flirting on stage. 

//gif above isn’t mine//

72) When Jimin and Jungkook chose each other when asked “if you were a girl, who would you date?”

73) The shocking fact that Jungkook demanded an apartment from Jimin as a graduation gift. Like, apartment? of all things? What kind of domesticity is this?

74) The way Jungkook takes care of Jimin even though he’s the younger one, and how Jimin is there when he’s the one seeking comfort.

75) I will never forget the Gayo Back hug, ever. I’ve mentioned back hug somewhere above, but this is different.This deserves a point of its own.

76) When Jimin took off one of his rings at the airport and gave it to jungkook.

77) When Jungkook stopped in front of Jimin during his part in For You at Osaka concert, and kind of directed the lyrics for Jimin. Jimin just couldn’t stop smiling afterward :((( The lyrics are: It smells like you The road that I walk on I plug my earphone to my status My true feelings lie beyond there

78) When Jimin and Jungkook steered away from the bunch and instead opted for some alone on the cruise. people say you smile the brightest when you’re with someone you love, yes?

79) The fact that Jimin wanted to become napa cabbage after seeing Kook dressed up as a bunny, so he could eat him, albeit choosing to be cheese initially. What even is that statement lol 👣 

80) The morph of their dynamic. I kind of miss their old moments, when Jimin was bolder, more carefree, and Jungkook seemed to be too shy to reciprocate. (on camera). Now they have matured. They have grown up well. A wave of nostalgia sweeps over me. The transition of their relationship is extremely beautiful.

81) When Jimin became Jungkook’s makeup artist for a day, hovering around the set, even drawing a pic of a bird that’s used as a prop later.

82) their size difference might be exaggerated at times, but you really can’t deny that it is cute, even if it’s not much.

83) When Jungkook changed the lyrics in Spring Day to Jimin.                       Like a small piece // Of Jimin // That floats in the air 

84) When Jungkook showed to the world what a sweet boyfriend he is,making jimin laugh, sitting him on his lap, hugging him on his birthday. Sweet sweet jungkookie.

85) Let’s state the obvious- 21CG choreos!!! i love how they evolved, just like their remarkable, legendary nmd lift.

86) Their sensual dance covers.

87) When Jungkook guides and encourages Jimin during games/missions.

88) The many times Jimin has been spotted wearing Jungkook’s clothes, despite the well-known fact that Jungkook doesn’t share clothes. Newsflash: Jungkook wears Jimin’s too!

89) We know Jungkook knows Jimin like the back of his hand, but that doesn’t mean that Jimin knows any less. I think they spend time together way too much.👣

90) How often the word “JIMIN” trips off Jungkook’s tongue- this what fascinates me the most. At one time he even mistook Jin for Jimin.

91) Jimin’s eagerness to kiss Jungkook for his Coming of Age, being the first one to hold out a hand for a game of Rock Paper Scissors. Bon Voyage season 1

92) When Jimin waited over an hour for Kook to finish filming BTS Flower Boy mini drama, even though he’d finished his part. Jimin couldn’t even stay mad at him for not telling, like how fond is he?

93) The fact that Jungkook is more than comfortable speaking in banmal with Jimin.He once said in Idol Party that he prefers talking in jeondaetmal (polite language) with his hyungs but look at the amount of times he’s dropped the honorific and called Jimin by his name. uhm, let’s talk about treating the other as equals?

94) Jimin and Jungkook, the human embodiment of Piske Usagi.

95) When Jungkook’s bro drew Jungkook as Muzi and Jimin as Con, the inseparable duo on Kakao. Bro knows. 👣

96) In Kkul FM 2016, When Jungkook and Jimin nearly intertwined their fingers . Scoffs bh seemed to think it’s okay to abruptly cut off their scene. What intrigues me most is that they weren’t even looking but their hands still somehow managed to find their way around. Also other instances they hold hands. I love how Jungkook’s slightly bigger hands envelop Jimin’s smaller ones. *Jimin’s pinky tho!*

97) How they’re destined to meet. The fact that they’re both from Busan, have matching moles, Jungkook’s bro named Junghyun and Jimin’s bro named Jihyun..imagine what would’ve happened had Jimin not been the last one to enter Bangtan.

98) When Jimin said he'd be looking at the ocean with Jungkook but Jungkook straight up rejected him and chose to go on a trip with his bro instead. It was quite a strong statement but a moment later Jungkook proved it wrong by reaching out and squeezing Jimin’s hand underneath the table, kinda like a reassurance that it’s all part of a joke. He cares. He truly does.

99) During Jin’s birthday prank at MAMA, these two couldn’t keep their hands off each other. The moment they entered the bathroom, they almost shut everything out-talking to themselves, picking on the cake- until the members gave them the signal to stop w/e they’re doing. Months later Mama kindly revealed another footage, this time consisting of just them, in the bathroom, jungkook right in the middle of buttoning up his jacket, wearing nothing underneath. How was I supposed to sit still?

100) When Jungkook and Jimin take skinship to a whole new level, or simply put, the times Jikook makes us question the real intention behind their acts and excessive skinship.

101) Last but not least, Perhaps my all time favorite moment- When Jungkook was caught observing Jimin’s every move, literally had his eyes only on him.

(Mark 1:17 onward)

I super love this video bc the song chosen matched so well with the situation- like they wanted to reach out but couldn’t so they stayed put, could only observe the other from far...

and that’s it! thank you, you made it to the bottom of this post! In short, everything about jikook makes me feel content. I had thought of doing more  but despite my brain literally screaming at me “Include this! You forgot this!”, I had to stick to 101. Anyway, I hope this mends your longing hearts. Have a lovely day! Thank you for reading!

Bonus because I have to:

when the members revealed on BTS KKul FM 2017 that Jungkook bought a birthday present only for Jimin. Am I your favorite hyung?

When Jungkook, the youngest in the group, called Jimin who is 2 years older than him a baby. 애기야가자 !

On Homecoming

Here’s my stream of consciousness about Spider-Man: Homecoming.

Strap in, there are spoilers and a lot of words ahead.

Right out the gate, I gotta say this:

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 is my favourite Spidey film. 

I know it isn’t perfect - I have my own criticisms toward it, but I feel a lot of the hate it gets is undeserved, and I believe my reasons for liking it are valid. I also don’t consider my regard for it to be blind love for anything Spidey-related. I’m not a fan of Raimi’s Spider-Man 3, and I find ASM1 has huge problems. I think Raimi’s Spider-Man 2 is an incredibly well-made movie, and having re-watched it recently, it’s easy to understand why most people (myself included) consider it one of the greatest superhero films ever made. However - I don’t consider it the greatest Spidey film. That title is held by Marc Webb & Co.’s 2014 underperformer, with a current rating of 52% on Rotten Tomatoes. There is an inherent feel in that movie, which for me captures the magic and identity of what I see in Spidey as a character. But, this isn’t about ASM2.

I mention it, because I want to express how difficult it was - how scary - to go into the cinema and watch Homecoming. For most audiences, this was potentially the first good Spidey film since Raimi’s 2. For me, it was following a film that I hold very close to my heart. And it took me two viewings to fully come to terms with my opinion on it:

Spider-Man: Homecoming is pretty good.

It’s not as good as Raimi’s 2, nor ASM2 (for me), but I’ve realised it’s not entirely fair to compare it to the second instalments of those series. Up against Spider-Man 1 and ASM1? It holds its own quite well. It’s pretty good. And if its first go can be pretty good, then the sequel has every opportunity to be pretty great.

While Homecoming has plenty of fun moments - of genuinely good moments… there simply aren’t enough memorable moments. As the sixth Spidey film, and as another episode in the MCU, it doesn’t hold enough of its own iconography to stand above its predecessors and peers. It’s clearly shooting for that ‘neighborhood’ feeling, and succeeds in that – but in doing so sacrifices opportunities for spectacle. And when it does step out into the big time, it’s all too similar to what we’ve seen already. Catching the elevator harkens right back to Raimi’s Spidey 1, with a bit of Gwen’s fall from ASM2 in the mix. When Spidey holds the ferry together, I couldn’t help but be reminded of the train sequence from Raimi 2 (plus Cap w/ the helicopter from Civil War). Nothing about how Spidey moved was overly unique or noteworthy to this iteration.

I have issues with the suit having such advanced tech - and to illustrate my problem I want to lay out the foundations of a general storyline involving the Symbiote: Spidey receives a new suit, it gives him enhanced strength, speed, and stamina. It increases the versatility of his web-shooting and makes his spider-sense react even faster. Beyond even that, the suit can talk to him - offering its own guidance and insight into his life. He begins to rely more and more on it. Becomes addicted to it. Until, he is able to realise it’s doing more harm than good, and ultimately abandons it - returning to his classic costume with a newfound understanding of his own strengths.

 Now, imagine after all that, he puts the black suit on again. And the story ends there. This is Homecoming. Sure, the suit isn’t directly affecting his biology or personality, but it represents newfound ability from a source not his own that he begins to rely too much on. Once it’s taken away from him, he’s back to basics - faced with the reality of hard decisions. He defeats the villain with his own strength, and having reached further clarity, turns down the Avengers position - happy with who he is, and comfortable with where he is. Then Tony gives him the suit back. Yes, he has fulfilled his character arc, and may very well use the suit responsibly in the future. But the suit in this case - is symbolic of him getting in over his head. A return of the suit equates to a return of that trait.

There’s a bit of a ‘wait and see’ that goes along with that (one of the track names on the OST suggests that Tony returned the suit without all the gadgets), but to cap off a movie which took efforts to showcase that relying on the bells and whistles is a bad thing, and handling the costume downgrade in the finale so well, it seems entirely backwards to me to then conclude with ‘yay! the bells and whistles are back!’

Karen presents an additional problem. She is, like J.A.R.V.I.S. in Iron Man 1, a non-character. An implement to give the protagonist and audience information when otherwise we’d be left confused or it would seem contrived to have our hero break into monologue. However, unlike J.A.R.V.I.S., she gives advice to Peter. She compliments him and gives insight into his personal life. To attribute this role to what is naught but a natural language UI is damaging to the actual active players in Peter’s life. It robs opportunity from Aunt May and Peter’s school friends to do the same, people with actual stake in interacting with him and who can experience the good and bad consequences of it.

To be clear, I get all this is purposeful in the context of the story. But it feels like the plot to a second film, mixing things up once we’ve established the characters in the first. Instead, we focus on them only long enough so they can fulfil certain trope moments before Karen, Happy Hogan, and Tony take centre stage in Peter’s life.

The suit’s design itself… I almost love. There are a few small things that bug me when I think of this as his standard get-up, but it has definitely grown on me since Civil War. Vulture’s suit, on the other hand, effing rocks and is the best thing ever and I love it. It’s everything I could have hoped for from a live-action Vulture.

Let’s talk about the opening Civil War vlog. Small inconsistencies in movies are easily forgiven, and it can be considered nit-picking to point them out as flaws or plot-holes of the movie. But the little things can go a long way to keep the audience from asking the wrong questions at the wrong time. Questions like:

Why was Peter shown as only having older tech in Civil War but in the opening vlog of Homecoming he has a modern smartphone? Why does he say ‘Holy shit!’ in Civil War when reacting to Giant-Man but in the opening vlog he says ‘he’s big now, gotta go’? Why does he have a bruise over his eye in the Civil War post-credits scene but looks unwounded in Homecoming while in Tony’s car (a scene which takes place presumably minutes earlier)?

All these questions can be answered. With ‘oh Tony gave him the phone’ or ‘He said “Holy shit” after the camera cut away’ but I think it’s a shame that what should have been a fairly easy and smooth lead-in to this movie is riddled with these little questions.

 On the note of lead-ins, I know we’re meant to be sick of origin stories at this point - particularly Spider-Man’s. Even so, I can’t help but feel like we’ve missed out on seeing this Peter’s beginnings. If the MCU is going to be Spidey’s home for the foreseeable future, I really want it to be the most secure - and having no solid concept of his backstory puts that on shaky ground. There isn’t that much to it. Bitten by spider, yep. Uncle’s dead, probably. But there’s still a lot you can explore surrounding that - so why not give us a bit more insight into how this one is unique? I knew they weren’t going to do an origin, but in doing so it’s created an odd-one-out within the MCU, wherein every titular character has had some level of on-screen genesis. I’m not very keen on prequels and flashbacks, so at least for me, they’ve kinda missed their chance. And that feels unfair.

I want to briefly touch on the scene-to-scene presentation. In my experience, scenes in stories should typically serve two purposes. The first is the subtext; to establish elements of the overarching theme or foreshadow future events. While the second purpose is the literal; to deliver a short yet satisfying arc within the scene itself, masking the subtext with smaller pieces of story. Here’s an example using the pizza delivery scene from Raimi’s Spider-Man 2:

Subtext: Peter struggles with managing his double life. His misfortunes are increasing in severity until finally he quits being Spider-Man.

Literal: Peter fails to deliver the pizza in time, and as a result, is fired from his job.

Compared to the deli scene from Homecoming:

Subtext: Establish the deli and its owner in the story so that when it’s destroyed, both Peter and the audience can witness the danger of the weapons Toomes is making, and witness Peter’s naivety and inexperience as a hero.

Literal: Peter buys a sandwich and pets a cat.

 That’s it. That’s the scene. Yes, he has some playful banter with the deli owner, but it doesn’t affect anything by scene’s end. It’s leaning mostly, if not completely on its overarching purpose, leaving the specifics of the scene in relative unimportance. My immediate reaction after the scene finished was ‘wait, why did we need to see that’? My reaction once I got home was ‘how did this scene end up in a Spider-Man movie’?

The film is rife with these one-track moments. At times, it avoids this, and I feel that’s where it’s at its best. The scene with Aaron Davis is a notable favourite of mine because it succeeds in delivering strongly on both the short and long term. The opening scene beneath Avengers Tower is also a fairly solid miniature arc while setting up the villain’s motivation for the remainder of the movie.

This one-track feeling bleeds into the characters at times, too. Particularly that of Michelle, who as far as the film is concerned is only there to say a witty remark before vanishing from the scene entirely… and then later, be MJ. (note: I actually don’t mind this change. It’s just a weird start for her and an unnecessary twist, that only leads to an unpolished character with the promise of more, rather than someone memorable and important from the get-go. She’s on the poster for gosh sake. I’m open to liking her, there’s just nothing to go on yet. I sure liked the way she… tilted her head up and squinted occasionally?)

I don’t think this makes any of these parts of the film bad. Only, less complete - less functioning as parts of a whole.

A scene that I do consider bad, though, is the death of the first Shocker. It’s a somewhat tropey scene - lackey steps out of line, head villain disposes of him out of spite and necessity, establishing that he can and will commit murder to achieve his goal. But, it doesn’t end there. After Toomes fries Shocker to a crisp with one of the pieces of alien weaponry, he looks surprised, saying ‘I thought this was the anti-gravity gun’. This is played for laughs, but at the expense of a cheap joke, they’ve thrown Toomes’ conviction into question. If he thought it was the anti-grav gun, did he not plan on killing his lackey? Does that mean his threats against Peter later are empty? Or was the plan always to kill the lackey, it’s just that he wanted to use the anti-grav gun to do it? But then why during the climax when he has Spidey defeated, does he go for the cargo instead of finishing him off? I can’t answer any of these questions because his conviction is made unclear, all from a simple, throwaway line. It’s a real shame, because I love pretty much every other scene with Vulture.

 That includes the familial twist. On the outside, it’s a little cheap. But the groundwork is laid from the very first moment of the movie. I wish it had been more original insofar as a villain’s personal connection to Spidey, instead of ‘oh it’s the dad again’ – however, it’s so well-implemented and revealed at just the right time to force Peter into a power/responsibility moment that I can’t help but enjoy it. Toomes driving Peter and Liz to the dance is wonderfully tense (possibly my favourite scene, and it’s just a car ride).

There are some genuinely great scenes beyond that. I actually teared up when Peter tells May he lost the internship, which is a first for me in a Spidey film (yes, even with ASM2 as my favourite in the series, I didn’t tear up at Gwen’s fall). Racing to the top of the monument has excellent pacing and presentation. Being trapped beneath the rubble and finally breaking free was an incredible performance from Tom Holland. As earlier mentioned, interrogating Aaron Davis has plenty of charm.

The score is good. Sometimes, it’s damn good. There are some really stand-out tracks. It just… isn’t on par overall with Elfman’s or Zimmer’s stuff. Raimi’s films and ASM2 come out strong from the beginning with their themes, and continue to play off them in new and interesting ways to cater to the moods of the scenes. Homecoming starts with the 60’s cartoon theme, and proceeds to never use it again. Giacchino’s original theme never steps up to be as memorable, and was only at its best when it wasn’t trying to be the theme. Vulture’s music rocks and is good forever – though I craved more variation to it. It seemed like every time he showed up we were hit with bahhh bwa-bah bah-BWAHHHH. It leaves something to be desired when compared to Electro’s music from ASM2 -  which is a constant in his scenes but always escalating to reflect his development. So, I guess as a character with only a little development, Vulture’s music is acceptable? I dunno, I might have just talked myself around on that one, haha. Nice to have some memorable MCU villain music, anyway. I love it a lot – just wish they’d played around with it more.

Spidey wrecked a lot of stuff in this movie, and it gives me some cause for concern that the filmmakers are going down the ‘everything is his fault’ route. I’ve talked a bit about this before, but I’m not a huge supporter of this concept. I’m fonder of a Spider-Man that takes responsibility, rather than one who’s responsible for everything, if that makes sense. If they’re going more for the ‘clumsy teenager’ route, that’s something I can get behind. But there is a limit. It was effective in the early parts of the film and the high-tension ferry sequence because of what it was saying about Peter and the effect he’s having as Spidey. But the chase through the suburbs, where he smashes or trips over everything he touches, was a little excessive. The last straw for me was when he wrecks Flash’s car. By this point we should start seeing character changes coming into effect, but they insist on presenting him as unable to face a new obstacle without breaking something.

I suppose I could go on and on, but I gotta call it at some point, right? So, I want to round all this off by just talking about some things I really liked.

Making Adrian’s whole deal that he’s a scavenger is such a cool way to get across the ‘vulture’ vibe and a great tie-in to the established MCU framework. The Shocker switcheroo was a fun subversion of expectations. Practical wall-crawling is just getting better and better. Stopping the bike thief and then not knowing where to return it is so ‘Spidey’. May helping Peter get ready for Homecoming is exactly what I could have asked for. The diversity of the cast in an MCU film was surprising and refreshing. Seeing Peter make his web fluid, and change his web cartridges mid-battle is something I’ve hoped to see for a while. Everyone in the cinema was having a great time and it was fun being a part of that.

So, that’s where I’m at. I’m at ‘pretty good’. At first it was hard to accept that. Hard to accept not being absolutely blown away by new Spidey content. But after a second viewing, I’ve come away satisfied, while still a bit sad about ASM2′s undeserved legacy.

If anyone has any thoughts of their own, or different viewpoints on the aspects I talked about, I’m very happy to hear them. I would love to love this film.

In honor of the100th episode of Supernatural Misha has worked on (He’s worked on 100, only acted in 99 though) - I decided to share with you guys, 100 reasons that I love @mishacollins as a sort of tribute/celebration to him. He’s done so much to change my life and I just wanted to put my love for him out into the universe. I also made this into a twitter thread which can be found HERE.

1.) He gives me strength to get up and get through my day whether he knows it or not. 2.) He cares about his fans & constantly strives to show just how much. 3.) He cares about minorities that the struggles we face daily. 4.) He cares about the LGBTQ+ community & has gone to far length to prove just how much. 5.) He cares about mental health & the issues that affect those of us who suffer because of our MH issues. 6.) He cares about disadvantaged youths and wants to give them an equal playing field (Free high school, etc) 7.) He cares about disadvantaged groups in general & proves it daily through his work with Random Acts. 8.) He cares about lonely Senior citizens & tried to brighten an otherwise lonely day for them (Valentines Day). 9.) He funded Random Acts - a registered 501(c)(3) charity on his own because he's the change he wants to see. 10.) He constantly runs charity events throughout RA & gets his fans excited to donate & put good out into the world. 11.) He runs GISHWHES - the biggest scavenger hunt in the world and most of proceeds from that go to charity too. 12.) His scavenger hunt often encourages others to commit random acts of charity towards strangers. 13.) He cares about the state of our country and how the political turmoil affects the everyday citizen. 14.) He is extremely invested in politics and is not afraid to speak his voice on things that offend him. 15.) He fights for the people. Not just his people, or my people - but all people. 16.) When he makes mistakes, he owns up to them and apologizes even when he doesn't have to. 17.) He is active on social media and gives us (his fans) peeks into his daily life, which he knows we always want more of. 18.) He is a general friendly person who goes out of his way to be an angel to everyone he meets. 19.) The money from his Castiel photo ops at conventions goes to charity. 20.) Growing up, he experienced the struggle of poverty & goes out of his way to level the playing field for others in that situation. 21.) He's EXTREMELY humble about his accomplishments and doesn't brag about his good deeds. 22.) To date, he's still shocked and made to blush when fans express how he has changed their lives. 23.) He wears safety pins when he can, to let people know he is an ally and will protect people who need protection. 24.) He's a published poet and has a way with words that speaks to millions. 25.) He is EXTREMELY intelligent and uses his ideas and intelligence for nothing but GOOD. 26.) He is an amazingly talented actor & with that talent has become one of the most loved characters on Supernatural. 27.) He plays himself on Supernatural (an angel) 28.) He engages his fans, even going as far as answering questions other actors refuse to. 29.) He's selflessly shared extremely personal stories of his struggle at conventions in front of large crowds. 30.) He supports intersectional feminism. 31.) He supports nasty women and acknowledges the world needs us and has talked publicly about it 32.) Even though shippers are historically snubbed in the SPN fandom, he gives us a voice. 33.) He's gone as far as to physically "Ship" Destiel and that warms the cockles of my heart. 34.) He married his high school sweetheart. 35.) His relationship with his wife is absolutely beautiful and a goal for anyone with a significant other. 36.) The love he has for his wife is visible whenever he talks about her, he softens up and smiles. 37.) He supports his wife's business endeavors no matter what they may be & defends her accomplishments. 38.) He & Vicki renewed their vows dressed in drag at an Albertsons and that in itself is amazing. 39.) He takes the time to maintain his beautiful marriage & goes on spiritual retreats with his wife. 40.) His family in itself is pure and goals for anyone with a family. 41.) He's a busy man but still takes time to be a great father to his kids and it shows. 42.) He gives us access to his time with his kids sometimes and it never fails to put a smile on my face. 43.) He brings his kids to conventions sometimes and it's adorable - there's NOBODY who doesn't love it when he does that. 44.) There are tons of instances where he has been seen comforting distressed fans on his own free will. 45.) He encourages fans to say hi to him if we see him out and about. 46.) He takes fans out to do fun things during his meet n greets, something which no other actor does. 47.) He has publicly stated he appreciates fanworks whether it be art, fanfic, crafts etc. 48.) He built his own house, proving he loves to see the fruits of his effort. 49.) He built most of the furniture in his house further proving he's a hard worker. 50.) He interned at the White House during the Clinton administration 51.) He made the engagement ring he proposed to Vicki with. 52.) He invited fans to join him during his bike ride for E4K this year. 53.) He teaches his kids about healthy eating while teaching them HOW to cook. 54.) He ran over 50 miles for charity & anyone who's ever even ran 1 mile knows how brutal that must have been. 55.) In 2011, he was named TV’s “Best Non-Human” by TV Guide which proves he's actually an angel. 56.) His smile is singlehandedly the most beautifully infectious smile I have ever laid eyes upon. 57.) He looks good in literally anything. 58.) When I'm feeling crappy about life, I just look at pictures of him and I instantly feel better. 59.) His charity is in partnership with a crisis support group that has helped thousands of people like me during hard times. 60.) He's not afraid to be emotional publicly and has even publicly cried before over issues that matter to him. 61.) His hard work and dedication inspire me to want to reach MY own goals. 62.) Seeing everything he's accomplished makes me not want to give up. 63.) His sense of humor is brilliant and truly funny. 64.) He's not afraid to make himself the butt of a joke and that kind of humor is extremely attractive. 65.) His humility (that I touched on earlier) transcends into everything he does whether it be his job, family or charity. 66.) He directly helps his fans - ex of which can be helping w/homework, sending them autograph replacements etc. 67.) He has posted his phone number publicly with the sole purpose to have conversations with fans. 68.) He truly regrets working on a movie about sexual assault & openly discourages people from watching it so we don't get triggered. 69.) He steps out of his comfort zone sometimes to face issues in the fandom that no other actor wants to. 70.) He takes the time away from his family to come to conventions for his fans even when he's extremely tired. 71.) His smile lights up any room. 72.) He very clearly says "fuck you" to gender norms & constantly does things like paint his nails. 73.) He encourages people to vote, even if it's not for his candidate. 74.) He acknowledges the importance of white people being allies to minorities. 75.) He is extremely humble about his incredible good looks. 76.) He takes the winning gishwhes team on a vacation with him every year. 77.) He has been known to talk about very personal issues that resonate with fans during his meet n greets. 78.) He is nice to literally everyone (I'm serious, even to the people he dislikes: note, trump) 79.) This is kind of unrelated toa lot of the other reasons but he's THICC HAVE YOU SEEN HIS THIGHS? wow. 80.) He's an anchor for a lot of people who constantly struggle with depression (such as myself) and he guides us back to a good state of mind. 81.) He's interested in the environment and he proved that during E4K this yr by bringing a geologist to talk to us about the terrain. 82.) His interactive gishwhes competitions inspire people to think outside the box. 83.) He's simply beautiful like have you SEEN a picture of him? 84.) Everything he does is to better this world and community. 85.) He is the purest person I have ever come across in my life and I've come across quite a few people. 86.) His smiles are always genuine, you can tell by the way his eyes crinkle. 87.) He has struggled so much in his life and even then, came out successful. He is GOALS for all of us. 88.) He understands the reality behind a lot of these online "challenges" such as the ALS challenge & truly cares about the causes. 89.) He is extremely work oriented and has been known to stay on set way beyond what he was supposed to to film & perfect his scenes. 90.) His voice is pretty much the single most incredibly beautiful thing I have ever been graced with the opportunity to hear. 91.) He cares about orphans, refugees & homelessness. 92.) I truly believe that he loves each and every single one of his fans. 93.) He's an imaginative goofball & that shows through with the items he has for gishwhes every year. 94.) He was the best thing to ever happen to me. 95.) This man is the epitome is what one should strive to be when it comes to their attitude, life & personality 96.) Whenever there's a tragedy in a foreign country, he tries to tweet his support in their native language. 97.) He continually shows he cares about the fans that go through struggles and need support. 98.) When I first found out about his past, I promised myself I'd stop self injuring & make something out of my life. I am now clean of self injury and have been for a while. 99.) He unknowingly helped save me from one of the worst depressive periods of my 26 yr old life where everything seemed bleak & hopeless. 100.) His love for life saved MY life when I was hellbent on ending it last year and I will be eternally grateful to him for that.

So yeah, if you ever want to even begin to question my love for Misha Collins- don’t. I will love him fiercely until my dying breath.

Congrats on the milestone, Misha. We love you.

Beauty CEOs on Key Leadership Lessons from Coronavirus – WWD

https://pmcwwd.files.wordpress.com/2020/05/beauty-execs-1.jpg?w=640&h=415&crop=1

Alex Keith

Chief Executive Officer, P&G Beauty

What skills are most important to lead people through crisis?

Defining the true priorities, focusing everyone on them, and clarity and consistency of communication are essential during a crisis of this magnitude, when there is so much that needs to be done. While listening is a critical leadership skill all the time, it is absolutely fundamental at a time like this. This includes listening to employees and to our consumers to understand their needs, and responding with deep empathy.

What changes do you think will be permanent?

I’m so proud of my organization’s ability to make decisions much more intuitively, primarily as a result of the speed the situation demands. Given the length of time we are spending navigating this crisis, fast and intuitive decisionmaking will be a well-developed muscle for our people, and we’ll benefit from it into the future. It will definitely enable us to emerge from this period stronger than when we entered it.

What has been a silver lining for you in the midst of the crisis?

No jet lag!

Alex Keith  Courtesy Photo

  Artemis Patrick

Executive Vice President, Chief Merchandising Officer, Sephora Americas

What have you learned as a leader?

I love to interact with people in person. I always prefer a phone call or one-on-one conversation over sending an e-mail. This personality trait isn’t exactly conducive to working from home. As a leader, I’ve learned that I need to flex other muscles to keep the human connection going with my team, my colleagues and our brand partners, whether that’s a quick check-in over the phone, a Zoom happy hour or just a short e-mail or text to say, “Hi I’m thinking of you.” As leaders, we are conditioned to always be on the go, and this pandemic has made me acknowledge and appreciate the small moments of pausing to checking in on people in different ways.

What changes do you think will be permanent?

The return to science, facts and experts on important issues. In beauty, specifically, we’ll continue to see a movement toward products that are truly efficacious, with science and testing behind them. We were already seeing this before — with more and more consumers relying on peer reviews and educating themselves on product ingredients — but this will most certainly accelerate.

What has been a silver lining for you in the midst of the crisis?

Spending more time with my husband and nine-year-old daughter. Although I’m on Zooms and calls all day long, even a quick break to have a meal with them is a blessing, and I’m not losing sight of how special it is. Oh…and working all day in pajamas isn’t half bad either.

Artemis Patrick  Courtesy Photo

  Dave Kimbell

President, Ulta Beauty

What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned about leadership?

In the most challenging times, an organization’s culture is truly tested. I’m grateful for the work we’ve done over the years to build a team environment based on strong values, collaboration and trust. With our collective focus on significant organizational and operational decisions, I continue to see our teams taking care of each other, supporting new directions and trusting one another explicitly. As a leader at Ulta Beauty, I take great pride in the culture we have built with and for our associates.

Coming out of this crisis, I’m certain that I will forever be committed to fostering a strong, positive culture that’s ready to tackle anything. Trust within an organization allows agility to come naturally, confidence to make and follow through with hard but important decisions, and aggressive goals to be accomplished collaboratively.

What changes do you think will be permanent?

It’s interesting to think about this time through the lens of human connection. Before this crisis, technology and social media allowed us, in some ways, to be more connected than ever, but in other ways left many people feeling isolated and disconnected. As COVID-19 has forced time apart from one another physically, I think it’s interesting how greatly our human desire for connection has been reinforced. And, as we collectively navigate through this transformative time, our acknowledgement of this need is here to stay.

In everyday life, that means pausing to see the beauty around us and to care for each other. In business, this will advance innovation and fuel an increased convergence of physical and digital, perhaps with a bit more emotion. How these elements come together will meet new consumer behaviors. I anticipate significant in-store innovation to reimagine trial and discovery while keeping safety at the core. The underlying desire for connectivity is lasting and true — we need one another and will continue to enjoy tangible experiences together, even if they are a bit different from what we once experienced.

What’s been a silver lining for you in the midst of this crisis?

I’ve seen more passion, enthusiasm and excitement across the entire Ulta Beauty family. Our mission and values are truly coming to life and that is a real silver lining as a leader at this company. Despite our distance, we’re working closer than ever and will come out of this stronger, more nimble and ready to accelerate. Our teams have demonstrated an ability to move quickly, uncovered new ways to work, rose to uncharted challenges and at every turn, acted with care and confidence. We’ll carry these collaborative, passionate traits forward together.

Personally, I’ve had extended time with my college-aged daughter and son who is in high school that I know wouldn’t have happened otherwise. It’s unexpected and I love it, although I’m sure there are many nights they’d rather be with their friends instead of filming another TikTok with mom and dad! These are days we will all remember forever, and we’re fortunate to be living through this together.

Dave Kimbell  Courtesy Photo

  Frédéric Fekkai

Founder and Chief Executive Officer, Fekkai

What have you learned as a leader during the crisis?

First, that remote meetings don’t have to feel remote. If you’re the host, make it a point to always be the first to turn on your video and greet the team. Encourage everyone to turn on their video, but let them know in advance, so they can prepare. Address everyone by their names and be genuine and relaxed with occasional laughs. Second, don’t just respond to the moment. Plan the future. In the midst of a crisis, we seem to focus on extinguishing fires. As a leader, my primary focus has been shifting from short-term to long-term vision to prepare for the best possible future. Finally, take extra care when sharing bad news such as layoffs with compassion. Offer an explanation about the economic conditions that led to the decision. Stress that it has nothing to do with performance, but is the result of an unprecedented crisis.

What changes do you think will be permanent?

Business travel will be reduced tremendously. Working from home will be more tolerated as we see that we are more productive. With the new normal, people will be more frugal. Lavish and ostentatious parties and bling-bling fashion will phase out. Casual comfort style will surge.

What has been a silver lining for you in the midst of the crisis?

The support and camaraderie among our competitors in the industry has been amazing. Specifically, I appreciate those who took the time to lead and organize ceo/founders meetings and round tables, like Elana Drell-Szyfer, the ceo of Révive Skin Care.

Frederic Fekkai  Courtesy Photo

  Jonathan Zrihen

Chief Executive Officer, Groupe Clarins

What have you learned as a leader during the coronavirus pandemic?

The key role and responsibility is to be an exemplary corporate citizen and a strong relay to implement swift sanitary decisions during a pandemic. We did so by protecting our employees and their families, and participating in the sanitary efforts by reorganizing our production facility to produce hydroalcoholic gel for hospitals to fight the virus.

What changes do you think will be permanent?

Digital penetration, not only for transactions, but for all types of services. In addition, the usage of home-office and digital solutions in the work environment. The rise of ecological- and safety-consciousness. The preservation of human life is more important than the economy.

What has been a silver lining for you in the midst of the crisis?

To take advantage of these unique circumstances, to enjoy every day — some of the simplest yet totally fulfilling pleasures in life, such as moments with my family, reading, jogging or walking in a park with my kids.

Jonathan Zrihen  Courtesy Photo

Karissa Bodner

Founder and Chief Executive Officer, Thrive Causemetics

What have you learned as a leader during the coronavirus pandemic?

I’ve learned just how flexible and resilient our team is and how important that is. Our entire office started working from home two months ago, and everyone has risen to the occasion to make sure all operations are running as smoothly and efficiently as possible. We’ve definitely had to pivot some of our work flows, but the team has been creative when finding workarounds. In particular, having our Chief Wellness Officer, Erin Brower, on staff has been fundamental to the success of our team’s well being. She provides meditations, mindfulness moments, mental health support, training on healthy communication and conflict regulation and more to ensure our team is supported all the time and it’s been especially helpful during COVID-19. 

What changes do you think will be permanent?

As stay-at-home orders went into effect across the country, a lot of brands pivoted to connect with their audiences in a way they’ve never done before through their various social platforms. I think brands will continue to find new ways to engage with their consumers digitally knowing how beneficial it is for both parties.

Philanthropy and fund-raising is another aspect I can see having a more permanent fixture across industries. I predict brands will incorporate philanthropy in a bigger way into their business models moving forward. Giving back has always been our number-one priority and the reason I founded Thrive Causemetics, so I can’t wait to see how other brands continue giving back to the community.

Lastly, the additional measures and increased care that brands are taking to ensure the safety, health and wellness of their employees will be permanent. We’re seeing growing consumer interest around how companies treat their workforce, which will create a better future for all employees.

What has been a silver lining for you in the midst of the crisis?

How people have come together to help those that are in need of aid. So many brands and individuals have been coming up with innovative and impactful ways to give back to their communities, whether through raising funds, donating meals or offering services. We hosted a donation day where 100 percent of the profits from sales on thrivecausemetics.com would go to Meals on Wheels, Baby 2 Baby and Feeding America and it was our most successful campaign thus far. I was blown away by our community’s support and am proud to say that we were able to donate $350,000 from one day’s profits to these three incredible organizations. We also made a commitment to expand our giving to a total of $1 million through much-needed funds and products to women impacted by the coronavirus, including frontline workers and women-owned small businesses. I’m so passionate about giving back and finding new ways to help others and to see the world coming together in such a pure way during an essential time gives me hope for the future.

Karissa Bodner  Courtesy Photo

  Marc Rey

Chief Executive Officer, Shiseido Americas; Chief Growth Officer, Shiseido Group

What have you learned as a leader during the coronavirus pandemic?

For the first time, I realized the relevance of some advice I once received from an ex-general of the Marine Corps: “When the terrain differs from the map…go with the terrain!”

Nothing could have prepared a business leader for what we have faced. A pandemic like this was obviously not in any of our plans or risk scenarios, and the authorities were understandably struggling to give clear, actionable guidelines.

So, I went with the terrain. Together with my unbelievable team, we put the safety of our employees first, navigating based on the facts and data at hand in what we hoped was a pragmatic and effective way.

I was also comforted in the confirmation that company values can be genuine. Shiseido’s “People First” philosophy has indeed been our main guiding principle during this crisis. 

What changes do you think will be permanent?

Unquestionably, this crisis gave another huge boost to beauty digital sales, which were already flourishing. I believe this boost is permanent and will even amplify with the repeat purchases of people who have switched to digital from brick-and-mortar.

The store experience will be altered forever. As an industry, along with our retail partners, we are going to have to reinvent the in-store experience, integrating concerns of hygiene, safety and traceability. To do this, we will need to heavily leverage technology (hopefully reducing promotional levels along the way would also be a great idea).

Most companies are going to have to revisit their risk management strategies and challenge their zones of vulnerability based on the learnings from this crisis.

What has been a silver lining for you in the midst of the crisis?

In all truth, I struggle to find anything good in this terrible pandemic, [but] I believe that ultimately it will be a wake-up call, and that America will adapt and come back stronger, as we always do.

I also believe that this crisis has illustrated how technology, well used, can make a real, positive difference. The same crisis 20 years ago would have been much worse on all fronts — health, business, communication, etc.

Finally, I’ve been amazed at how so many people on the Shiseido Americas team have risen to the occasion.  As a leader, it feels really good and I am incredibly proud of them.

Marc Rey  Courtesy Photo

  Megan Grant

President, L’Oréal Luxe U.S.A.

What have you learned as a leader during the coronavirus pandemic?

The most important skill to lead people through a crisis is constant communication. First and foremost it’s about people, so connecting authentically on a personal level is equally as important as staying connected on the business. I believe in leading with empathy, always, but especially now, as we are all experiencing unique challenges and need to support one another as we adapt to new realities and ways of working.

What changes do you think will be permanent?

Fundamentally the biggest change is the dramatic shift to e-commerce, which had already very much begun before the crisis. While at home, consumers are not only evolving how they shop, but also how they engage with brands. We are listening intently and gaining valuable insights that will help us better serve consumers online and off-line in the future.

What has been a silver lining for you in the midst of the crisis?

There have been many, but for me it’s the nightly family dinners. This is the first time we have all been able to spend so much quality time together with no distractions. It is a time that I will never forget and am very appreciative to have.

Megan Grant  Courtesy Photo

  Nancy Twine

Founder and Chief Executive Officer, Briogeo

What have you learned as a leader during the coronavirus pandemic? 

How important it is for the entire organization to hear from leadership frequently and to have transparent dialogue around business strategy and performance.  It’s important for the team, at all levels, to understand how leadership is thinking and pivoting as new information emerges. Not only does it keep everyone informed, it helps enhance the spirit of community and trust which is crucial during such an uncertain time.

What changes do you think will be permanent? 

I think we’ll see consumers gravitating to a greater extent towards products and services that are geared towards self-care, wellness and health.  Proactive treatment and wellness rituals that consumers are investing in during this time will likely sustain beyond COVID-19.

What has been a silver lining for you in the midst of the crisis? 

Our team has grown even closer.  We’re in constant contact over video conferences throughout the day. Being able to be vulnerable and candid about the ups and downs everyone is experiencing has created a unique closeness amongst our entire team.

Nancy Twine  Courtesy Photo

  Philippe d’Ornano

President, Sisley Paris

What have you learned as a leader during the coronavirus pandemic?

We all know that a crisis reveals people and character, and it’s a moment where you know if you’ve done good work in building your team, putting talents together. We had a fantastic response from our teams all around the world during this period. We employ more than 100 nationalities, and they’ve been incredibly united – much more than the countries, actually. They worked incredibly hard, also. Some telework, some work in the field. There have been really very rich, human moments.

We tried, on our side, to be [up to] the challenge. Our factories remained open to support the economy. We tried to support our teams and communicate as much as we could; to support our suppliers and clients by remaining open and maintaining orders, and support those around us, like hospitals. We sent stocks of masks to China, and then they sent back like 10 times the same amount two months later.

That’s really what’s wonderful with the company, and especially for us, as a family business, to feel a human community at work during a crisis period.

What changes do you think will be permanent?

I’m most inclined [to say] what changes I don’t want to be permanent. One of them is social distancing. People are isolated. They don’t travel anymore. They telework. If you walk in the streets of Paris or New York, people are frightened when they go by you. You can see the fear in their eyes, and it’s contrary to what we’re about: We are a family business. We are in cosmetics. We’re about service. We’re about advice. We’re about interaction. We’re about care.

What I want is to not accept a society, which would change that. We should go back to what cosmetics are about.

So it’s a bit of a reverse answer to the question. I deeply feel that we can’t accept some changes to be permanent. Telework is great, but we need also to be together. We want the shops back open. We want the service, and we — at least in our company — are going to do all we can to bring this back.

What has been a silver lining for you in the midst of the crisis?

The resilience of the company. In the States, with all the stores closed, we were less than 20 percent down. Our digital team, our master class, even the stores working with us [contributed]. Our hair business, for example, is positive. We’re growing. We had a positive month of April.

There’s the fact, also, that we are an international company. The stores in Europe [were] closed, [while] the stores in Asia were working. In the U.S., we find other ways to contact our customers.

With this resilience you see the deep needs in our society for the products we sell, and how important they are — even more than just for the fact that they’re antiaging, they’re beautifying. They bring something to society which is very important.

Philippe d’Ornano  Courtesy Photo

Pierre-André Terisse

Chief Operating Officer and Chief Financial Officer, Coty Inc.

What have you learned as a leader during the coronavirus pandemic?

The Coty culture has always been known to be resilient and entrepreneurial. Lately, that collective team courage and intelligence has come through even more — an ability to adapt and go beyond usual work in ways none of us had imagined before COVID. As a leader, it is a reminder that creativity can always thrive even, and maybe especially, in the most difficult circumstances.

What kinds of communication have been most resonant and why?

The current pace of change has been a test of communications. Internally, the frequency of communication is naturally increasing to ensure everyone is well connected with the fast-moving response of our business. We are hosting regular global connects to cascade decisions locally and then relying on regional and local leaders to drive a steady and accelerated flow of communications with their teams.

Through this, the overall dialogue has become more straight forward; we have too many things to face to lose time.

With the safety of our teams, partners and consumers as our number-one priority, our communication has also become more compassionate. People are craving a sense of solidarity and purpose more than ever. We have thousands of associates tuning in live for leader video interviews. So many have sent messages of thanks and pride for our efforts to produce and donate hand sanitizer.

What changes do you think will be permanent?

Every trend that pre-existed COVID-19 is accelerated: the rise of digital and e-commerce, sustainability, clean beauty, flexible workplaces, responsive and adaptive supply chains.…It will be up to us to take advantage of the momentum as we come through this period.

What has been a silver lining for you in the midst of the crisis?

For me personally, being grounded has eliminated a lot of wasted time in my schedule, especially time spent traveling between our offices. I do miss the in-person connections, of course, but having the extra time has been a benefit during this crisis. As a leader, I see our teams facing unknown issues with creative and daring ideas. They are coming up with new solutions. COVID-19 is a tragedy in many aspects, but I hope it helps us invent a better tomorrow.

Pierre Andre Terisse  Courtesy Photo

  Sunny Jain

President, Beauty and Personal Care, Unilever

What have you learned as a leader during the coronavirus pandemic?

When you take care of people, people will take care of business. Putting people first has always been a guiding principle in my career, but never have I seen it quite so clear and in focus as now. Our teams are so much more than the roles they do and the projects they lead — they are friends, loved ones, caregivers. I am incredibly proud of the actions we’ve taken as a company to help protect the lives and livelihoods of our people, and also those in our extended value chain through supplier cash-flow relief.

There is no speed limit during a global pandemic. Agility becomes so important. The situation is so fluid and people are looking towards trusted companies and brands to listen, react and deliver in record time.  Not only through products and services but how they are being of service at this time.

And we’re seeing the impact our campaigns can have on society and our planet. Dove released its #CourageIsBeautiful campaign to thank all the front-line heroes and our deodorant brand, Degree, is encouraging millions of people to move more at home, recognizing that movement is a powerful tool to maintain physical and mental wellbeing.

What changes do you think will be permanent?

Once people start shopping digitally they rarely go back if they’ve had a good experience. So, I expect the shift to e-commerce we were already seeing, will not only accelerate, but stick.

We’ll also see an increase in virtual interactions within our teams and with external partners. We can also expect to see innovation for all types of virtual technology and interactions including more augmented reality experiences. In the past weeks there have been lots of firsts, just recently we celebrated 10 years of the Unilever Sustainable Living Plan, which for the first time was held as a global virtual event with external stakeholders from all around the world.

New needs are emerging, and we are doing our best to anticipate what people will need and want as we move forward. The importance of maintaining a healthy and clean lifestyle will be a sustained shift. People are also looking to brands to have a positive social impact now more than ever. Our Lifebuoy soap brand has for many years run the world’s largest handwashing program and during the current crisis has been working to communicate strong hygiene practices through public service advertising. Seeing the sudden demand grow, we’ve also launched the brand into 38 new markets in just 100 days — including its country of origin, the U.K. — and donated more than 20 million products to various organizations and initiatives globally.  And in North America we’ve launched Suave hand sanitizer, to provide an affordable hygiene product from a brand consumers trust, at speed.

What has been a silver lining for you in the midst of the crisis?

I have two young children and being close to them as I work from home has been a significant silver lining during a difficult period. It has been a juggling act for sure, but being at home all the time means we have lunch together as a family and it is one of the best parts of my day. My daughter has even been drawing me pictures to decorate my home office.

It’s also given me a chance to connect with friends, family and colleagues differently but more frequently. Isn’t it interesting how this period has made many of us reach out and seek a face-to-face, well, screen-to-screen, human connection where perhaps we might have fired off a text or an email in the past? Instead of waiting for one-off events, I’ve been able to have many more conversations and have built deeper relationships. I’ve seen incredible support from our teams offering cooking tips, social events, coffee check-ins, all virtually. It really has been amazing to see the human community spirit shine through.

Sunny Jain  Courtesy Photo

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TL;DR He has a girlfriend and I’m just gutted. It sucks to feel so heartbroken over someone I never even dated.I’m just gonna lay out all the details so someone can objectively lmk how to improve my game, as I keep analyzing every bit of this while wallowing in self pity lol.I matched with this guy on Tinder in April 2017, but we never met up til January 2018 because I live a couple hours away and our schedules never lined up when I visited his city then. First mistake - I started the tinder convo just talking about art based on one of his tattoos, didn’t tell him how cute I think he is, made the convo all about our mutual interests... we have a LOT in common, but I forgot about the flirting even when he sent a message about how much he likes my style. We followed each other on IG and would DM on there as well as text, and when we finally met up it was for coffee. Second mistake, he asked me what I wanted and I blurted out “I’ll pay”(?!) and placed my own order, which I feel like was turning it away from any possibility of being a date. As we were chatting (convo was really easy and fun), he called me pretty at one point and i just laughed it off. We then walked around, I took a couple film photos of him, visited a record store, then happily parted ways as I had to catch a bus back home.The next day, he messaged me while high at 4 am about journalism stuff, asking me about a novel he recommended me, and lastly saying it was “nice to have a friend to talk to about journalist issues who is also super rad” which is sweet but also like, ouch @ “friend” - I guess I should have known it was doomed from then.The thing is, I built up this idealized version of him and to this day I can’t find a single flaw - but then again, we’ve only met in person a couple times and all our other interactions have been through texting or social media. It’s delusional, but I would be so happy whenever we unearthed another common interest or shared view. He’d message me and comment on my posts with cute nicknames, yet the rational part of me knew he is like that with all of his friends. All that reasoning aside, in my head I’m still like he’s fucking PERFECT and I adore him and I wish I could spend more time with him and my heart gets all glittery every time he talks to me.Months passed as I was busy with finishing the year of uni til april then studying for a summer exam, and he went overseas and came back at the time when I went overseas. All said and done, we hadn’t seen each other for a long time so in October he texted me saying he missed me, asked when he was gonna see me, and asked about a recent event I’d been to. I let him know I’d be there for Halloween weekend, and he said he wants to go out to some functions together, so naturally I was excited. Closer to the weekend I DMd him asking if he has plans, and I said we should get drinks before anything that’s happening in the eve. Again he said he def wants to see me, and he’d lmk what his plans are. After that he kept replying to my stories and commenting on my posts and so on, but I didn’t hear from him til he called me at midnight on Friday night (I missed the call) then texted me in all caps asking me what I’m up to. I told him about the club my friends and I were headed to, and he told me he was so excited to see me, and at this point I was like (!!) even though part of me suspected he was dating a girl he posted on his story with the caption “j-school date” (although it could have been a study date, I sorta reassured myself lol)So I leave the house party I’m at and I’m at this club with my friends at 1 AM, when he taps my shoulder and I’m all happy to see him, we hug and gush over each other’s costumes and THEN //// he goes “this is my girlfriend, (name)!”Not to be fucking dramatic but my heart dropped in that moment. I overcompensated by being really thrilled to meet her lol, and I also introduced him to a few of my close friends. One of them asked how we met, to which we both replied “tinder”, and he was like “Yeah I’ve actually made more friends on tinder than gone on dates!”.... like FUCKKKK. I knew it was coming, I didn’t really make my interest clear, and both of us are queer and really friendly w everyone so I guess even affectionate names and stuff don’t do the trick right off the bat, if that makes sense. For the rest of the night after he left (he had just dropped in for a bit to catch up with me), I was super sad and just ended up staring into space while my friends asked if I’m good. I’m so disappointed because I know we wouldn’t be able to date bc of the distance, and I’m not moving to the city until likely next year.. but it still hurts to see him with someone else. I know it’s ridiculous because we haven’t been together in person much, however even from those encounters I felt so comfortable with him and he’s clearly adored by everyone who knows him. He’s just a genuinely good person who gets my interests and my politics and would be the perfect friend if I wasn’t so terribly attracted to him.I feel like I’m never going to find my “person” because I over analyze everything about dating due to my lack of experience. Part of this stems from growing up in a household that doesn’t allow dating, but even now that I have more flexibility I feel like I’m playing catch up. I focus too much on my own self loathing to the point where I doubt people who express any interest in me, and I feel afraid to make a straightforward first move except in a drunk hookup situation. Generally matching with someone on tinder indicates that there’s mutual interest, but even then I manage to spin be situation and think maybe this person just wants to be friends. I’m not as afraid to flirt with people who I just want to hook up with, but with this guy I really thought he was cool so I didn’t act aloof and make plans for a one night stand, I tried to get to know him as a friend. The more I write about it, the more stupid I feel but I just needed to vent. It’s not like he was leading me on, but it’s just usually when a guy has expressed wanting to see me it’s been because he’s into me so I gave myself false hope. I want to stop obsessing over all the details, but there’s no one in my smaller city (picture: a lot of white frat guys) who’s even remotely like him, he seems to be like the epitome of my type. I just want to focus on my studies and my work and forget about dating until I move, but I also can’t stop thinking about him and letting this whole thing wear down my self confidence.Also, sorry I used the word “feel” SO damn much as I look back at this lol I’m just gonna smash the “post” button without editing via /r/dating_advice