#genuinely dont fucking argue with me about this. just fucking don't. you're wrong
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one of these fucking days "transmascs experience a unique intersection of kinds of oppression" will be a perfectly fucking normal and fine sentence. that no one argues with or claims is transmisogyny. and maybe we can even assign a word to that sentence so we don't have to say the whole sentence when talking about the complex topic that is the oppression transmascs face for being transmasc. right?? right?? because its fucking true???
#genuinely dont fucking argue with me about this. just fucking don't. you're wrong#you're provably wrong you're fucking ignorant go away#and what i really don't understand? how is it an attack to make up a word for it?#y'all gonna explode your heads when you learn the word misandrynoir too?#when is it our turn to have the fucking floor#please#im so tired#im tired#im tired of my brothers dying and being entirely erased
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i have a genuine question. i promise i am not at all trying to defend him. ive dropped him entirely, literally deleted everything i had of him and unliked his songs.
ive just been wondering like considering that he has been in therapy, and also considering how if he does take a year off and then comes back, why cant it be redeemable? like cant people change? cant we give them second chances? he is 27. is he just doomed to be an abuser forever?
its just scary and im asking as like a younger person who is in my very early 20s. i know ive made mistakes. i know ive not been a good partner or friend sometimes. (and yes i was also abusive to a past partner...im not proud of it and ive learned from it. i have never ever touched anyone in that way after that. it took awhile but my current relationship isnt toxic and i would never hurt anyone or hit them again yknow?) and it scares me that people keep insinuating that he is irredeemable. like cant abusers change and become better? dont they get second chances? if shelby has grown and healed in 10 months wouldn't it be fair to say the same for wilbur?
im just genuinely asking because based on everything i believe you are older than me and im looking for guidance and just...idk im scared. growing up on the internet has made me so scared of making mistakes and doing anything wrong because when it happens to others i look up to, its always treated as something they'll never be able to change or improve. makes me feel like imma just be a horrible person forever because i made mistakes in the past.
This is a really complicated question that multiple answers can validly fit.
I don't think, personally, that anyone is irredeemable. I think everyone is on a journey of forgiveness and some of us may need more grace than others.
This is tw// abuse even more than the current topic, but my mom was incredibly abusive. We lived in a very rural area and she had a lot of undiagnosed problems and trauma of her own that created a pressure pot of issues. After I was born, she suffered through full on post-partum psychosis that nearly ended about as well as that sentence implies it could have. She was incredibly violent, controlling, and cruel for years. My sister went no-contact with her the second she turned 18. A significant event occurred that eventually spurned her into seeking real treatment that lasted for years. It's still ongoing.
My sister is also still no contact and I support her decision 100%. Those are her wounds and what she needed to do to get peace should be respected. I decided I wanted a relationship with the person who came out of all that work and, even then, it's been hard. I don't know if she's redeemed herself, and my god do we still have bumps in the road, but I support her for trying.
With Wilbur, how he responds to this is going to really impact a lot of things. I mean, I know no matter how he responds I won't be going on whatever journey of redemption and healing he has to go through. I'm tired and I feel hurt enough. I would think, if he wanted to show he was sincere, admitting what happened would be a great sense of closure for a lot of people who put time and energy and faith into this guy for years.
Not every person that causes harm is inherently evil, but there has to be some kind of knowledge that you're aware of the harm you've caused. No one is stuck as anything forever, life is constantly moving, and most people aren't saying his life is just over. You can work on yourself. You can change. And I'm saying that specifically to you, anonymous.
(Saying this, actually, there ARE people who would argue once you've done x you're beyond redemption based entirely on their life experiences as a victim, personal histories and many other factors. Kinda like my sister, that's their choice. And you have to accept that sometimes you fuck up so badly that you will permanently lose some people from your life. But your life isn't over.)
But I do think, regardless of what he says or does about this, his time of controlling a large platform is at an end. He can still do a lot of things in his life after he works on himself -- editing, song producing, directing, writing or whatever -- but being in charge of a large impressionable audience that could enable more destructive behaviors is just not it.
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this isnt an attack, im genuinely trying to share my thoughts. if we just need to agree to disagree, sure. but hopefully someone understands where im coming from.
this is about tagging dormancy and fusion as "tw (dormancy/fusion)". i will be talking about what others have said and our personal experience. this is warning enough. please do not tag this post as "tw (dormancy/fusion)". i find that disrespectful, considering what im about to discuss. if you tag the words without tw, fine. but i do not want you putting a trigger warning on my healing journey.
as a system who have had their fair share of negative experiences with both dormancy and fusion, i understand how those subjects can be distressing. as a system who used to be scared of both of those things, i understand.
so, tagging the words? fine. it helping just filtering posts for other reasons too. but i heavily dislike the push to make everyone tag it as "tw (dormancy/fusion)". here are my reasons why:
- obviously the first is that, dont ask people to trigger warn their own healing? i know for some people these things aren't necessarily "healing" but it is healing for a lot of people, us included. and just because you don't have that as your experience as healing, doesn't mean i have to trigger warn my own progress. we've found emdr incredibly triggering and unhelpful for us, but we dont go running around telling everyone to tag it as "tw emdr". thats not fair. emdr helps a lot of people. our bad experience doesn't affect their good one.
- continuing on from that point. i have not seen a single person ever tag a post as "tw functional multiplicity". why do we have to tag one healing option but not the other? what about people who want to see how things go? do they need to say "tw unsure healing path"? if majority of people genuinely want to start forcing people to tag any kind of healing they are doing, im all for it. but i heavily doubt that'll happen.
- the "its anti-recovery" debate. i agree with this statement somewhat. is it necessarily anti-recovery? no (so yeah sure, i agree with that one anon a few asks back). but we found the more people tagged it, even for good things, it was so demonising and ostracising. it made us stress MORE by seeing the warning. it made us feel so incredibly guilty for having fusions and having people go dormant. because how dare we experience and enjoy something that is so triggering for others?
additionally, yes, absolutely rejecting that fusions will happen, is anti-recovery. we are and always have been aiming for functional multiplicity. over time we are more accepting and encouraging for fusions because that will almost always happen when healing. no, im not saying "its inevitable you will all fuse no matter what". what im saying is "it will genuinely surprise me if you go through the healing process and didn’t fuse at least once".
- if you are in a period of your life where the mere mention of it triggers you, block as many of the tags as you can. genuinely. block "dormancy". block "fusion". because i see at least majority of people tag that, even without the "tw" beforehand. if it is that bad, and tumblrs little "this post contains #tw dormancy" bothers you, get off tumblr because you actually cant avoid that happening.
- "its a common trigger, its courteous that people tag it with "tw"". while yes, common triggers are of course courteous to tag, but i dont think you're the majority here. at least from what we've seen. idk could be wrong. please tw things that obviously need warnings (if you wanna argue over what counts, fucking go for it). but as always, you are still responsible for the content you engage with. if you see a post where in the first few sentences looks like itll talk about fusion or dormancy, or even if you see the word out of context on the post. go ahead and scroll or block that post for all i care.
if i made a post saying "i talked about some dormant alters in therapy today" or "that fusion between x and x finally happened" or even "im really proud of how far weve come, weve made good progress with integrating certain alters and maybe i wanna fuse soon". and you have an intense triggered reaction, that is your responsibility to deal with. if you cannot be safe online with the content you may view, you should not be going online. block tags, block creators. do things to keep yourself safe, but you need to be okay with the fact that you still have a chance of running into triggers.
again, you can tag this post as dormancy and fusion, but im going to feel disrespected if you go against my wishes and tag it as "tw (fusion/dormancy)"
- JADS
I understand where you’re coming from, and the push for censoring it is harming those that do have it as a healing method.
And I won’t trigger warn this post since you’ve requested it not be warned, but I’ll still add the dormancy and fusion tags.
I completely understand the points you made, but I also want to further explain why I add the tw here on the blog.
It’s not meant as a means of demonizing a healing process, it’s to cover bases for those that just don’t want to see it or have forgotten to add “dormancy” or “fusion” as a single filtered tag. It’s not meant as a mean ordeal or as anti-recovery. It’s there for those that just can’t deal with it currently or the talk of it has issues for them.
Am I responsible for what is on peoples dashes? No. But I am responsible for the tags that I use, something that I like making sure bases are crossed on so everyone can stay safe.
As someone who has had dormancy and fusions happen, it causes a mental strain for us to think on it. Does that mean we trigger warn it? No. We don’t even have the tags filtered because it’s something that can happen. But do we warn it for others that might not be ready or are currently dealing with a lot of things already? Yes.
Again, it’s not for anti-recovery, and it might seem that way. But I like knowing what’s being talked about when I’m scrolling through tumblr or sysblr as a blanket statement on if I can read it or not.
Such as if we’ve currently had someone that’s helped the system so much that just goes dormant and leaves multiple parts heartbroken? I won’t be in the spot to read anything about dormancy but I’m glad that others are able to heal and continue healing with it. But at that time, we have felt like someone close to us has gone, even if they can come back, but they can come back different or not the same.
I don’t know if any of that made sense or provides any extra insight on why the TW for both is here on the page, but hopefully it helps some?
I do appreciate you putting your views on it. But I also want to state that everyone will view things differently and different times and that’s alright.
I know some might also have some situations where dormancy and fusion just doesn’t seem fun due to final fusion being seen as the catch all healing option rather than functional multiplicity, but the community really just needs to do better as a whole of letting people heal in a way that works best for them rather than trying to force a healing path on someone else. (Not an attack on you, just a general statement because I feel like the healing options have become a zone of constant belittling to others about).
#JADS#anti endo#endos dni#did system#system#actually did#osddid#traumagenic system#endos not for you#did plural#actually traumagenic#did plurality#osdd plural#osdd plurality#dormancy#fusion
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BOOOOOONYYY! :)
What about a very spicy one with Brat Tamer/JM x Brat/Reader where he is her Dance Teacher. Jm wit dark hair
Jimin with black hair >>>>>>>>
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"And where do you think you're going?" Jimin asks, running a hand through his hair thoroughly amused by your frustration.
"Home." You scoff. "Because you suck." Comes from you as well as you put your phone into your bag. You don't even know why you're at his place to begin with- yeah maybe you had hoped for him to genuinely help you get that fucking step right because he won't stop nagging you about how your foot is never placed correctly- but even after three hours of trying to understand the way he's explaining you still don't get it.
He calls himself a dance teacher and yet he's shit at explaining.
"Now now, we can still be classy about it, can't we?" He laughs, walking after you as you make your way to the door. "You're simply too tense darling-"
"Thats what you say every single fucking time!" You argue back, rolling your eyes. "You're too tense, you're getting frustrated, you're not paying attention~!" You mock him, absolutely pissed at the fact that he doesn't seem affected at all. He's still smirking, arms crossed and yet relaxed, watching you.
Maybe the worst thing is that he looks way too hot for you to actually go through with your threat of quitting.
Yes you might have a massive crush on your dance teacher, so what? So does every single other person he teaches it seems- even guys admitting his attractiveness, and it fills you with red hot jealousy because you just know you don't have a chance. And also because you know that he's a player- stories of one night stands and fleeting romances being thrown around left and right and all around him, tales told by whoever you may ask. It makes you mad. Why can't good looking guys have good personalities as well?
"Come on, I'm sorry I've upset you. We can take a break and try again later." He attempts to soothe your anger. "I'd hate for you to go home all riled up like this."
"Yeah right, you just don't want me to go around and tell people how you failed at teaching me." You mumble under your breath as you slip into your boot, pulling the zipper on the side up and catching your finger in it. "Ah fuck!"
See?" He clicks his tongue, moving closer so he can loom over you, taking your boot off again for you. "Dont go please."
"I'm uncomfortable mister park." You say sternly, and much to your surprise, he detaches himself quickly at that. It catches you off guard for a second, and your reaction doesn't go unnoticed.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to push myself onto you like that." He apologizes, and it throws you out of your temper tantrum in a way. He would've laughed about it- if it wasn't for the concern that's now breeding in his head. "You seem surprised."
"I mean- kinda?" You say, voice now a lot quieter, almost hesitant. "I- thought you might-"
"I might?" He asks, face unreadable. "I don't believe in forcing myself onto women I'm attracted to- neither to I believe in convincing them." He explains with a serious tone.
"Why not convincing?" You wonder, unsure why you ask out loud like that.
"Sex isn't something you should convince someone to do. You either want it, or you don't." He shrugs. "I'm honestly sorry if I have interpreted your actions wrong. I really never meant to push you." He tells you again, and you sigh.
"Its.. you didn't interpret them wrong." You say. "I'm just.. I don't want to be another girl or guy you sleep with and that's it."
"I've never slept with any of the trainees if that's what you're implying." He scoffs a little. "In fact, I havent had sex in years, ever since I broke up with my ex partner."
"Oh." Is all you can get out, now fully embarrassed that you even for a second believed all of the rumors that were, and still are, floating around him. Of course rumors aren't truths. Why did you believe them so easily?
"Its not your fault for believing what you hear." He smiles again, relaxing. " after all, as a woman, you can't be careful enough these days."
"You seem quite aware of those issues. You know, as a guy." You say, awkwardly standing in front of the closed door.
"I've got many female friends." He shrugs. "Though that's all they are. Friends." He makes sure to press.
"Right." You nod. "Yknow, just like us." You laugh a bit embarrassed, making him smirk slyly.
"Oh?" He asks, amused. "I thought we might have the potential to be more." He wonders out loud, making your eyes widen.
But you easily catch yourself, looking him in the eyes as you cross your arms. "Maybe if you can do your job right and teach me right." You challenge, making him walk closer, close enough to run a hand over your hair- a delicate gesture that evolves into something far more sinful as soon as he grabs your hair firmly.
"How about I teach you proper manners first?" He asks, and you roll your eyes. The audacity.
"Can't even make me dance right." You tell him, and he laughs out loud at your bold words, before he looks down to you with half lidded eyes.
"Oh I'll make you dance, darling."
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I know I like just said a few days ago I was going to step back from controversial posts for a bit but something has kind of came to my attention I'd like to address
I'm going to start of with the fact that this is not a hate post so don't get all pissed off at me for this. I'm fine with people expressing there opinions maturely but if you're just going to argue like a child I will delete the replies/reblogs and block you if needed, I don't want to deal with the drama and arguing.
Sometimes I really think people forget Barty Crouch Jr played a very big role in Goblet of Fire.
He locked a man in a trunk for weeks, turned a 14 year old into a ferret (yes he totally deserved it but the man still didn't deserve to get traumatized), is one of the main reasons Cedric died (he created the portkey-), he showed kids unforgivable curses which definitely was a bit traumatic for some of them (and seemed to trigger some ptsd for Neville), helped torture Alice and Frank Longbottom (two very wonderful people) to insanity and caused Neville so much pain by doing so.
Apparently people are defending him because his dad kind of sucked. I'd like to politely point out his mother loved him so much that she traded places with him so he could get out of Azkaban. And what does he do? Oh right, he goes right back to his old ways. I mean you'd figure most reasonable people would take that as a second chance and a reason to change, but nope not him.
... And yet people defend him and push aside the fact he's done some pretty bad things. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for redemption arcs and such, but what redeemable qualities has this man ever showed? and yes I get that he wasn't always a wizard nazi, but it's mentioned in the seventh books that a group of people who become such were doing really terrible things around Hogwarts, and one harmed Mary pretty badly. Just imagine what he did to people during his time at Hogwarts. People don't become evil over night. And unlike a lot of the des out there, he didn't have an entire family supporting Voldemorts actions that drove him to do it, he did it on his own accord.
now, before anyone goes "Oh that never happened!" or "He'd never do that!" he's some proof:
I'm not even going to bother finding the parts where he scars kids for life just because he can. I think this speaks for itself.
and someone pointed out that yes, his dad was a fucking bastard but most characterss had terrible families. I can name so many other characters that went through a lot and didn't do things like this over it. the man even had the audacity to lie about doing a lot of it. yes he was young then, but even years upon years later he made no effort to change for the better. I can almost guarantee that if he would've genuinely changed, Crouch sr would not have done half of this stuff. Like do you really think most parents would willingly do that to their children? he knew if he didn't then they'd both end up getting in trouble (not saying he should've done it, just that he didn't do it for nothing, his own reputation aside he was probably worried his son would end up hurting people again).
I really don't understand how people can defend and love this character...
but whatever. idc. i dont like him but if you do then it's whatever. I'm not going to be directly rude to you if I don't like the same characters or ships as you so don't go thinking this is me being rude to people who do like him, that's not the case. I'm just explaining my thoughts on the subject.
#barty crouch jr#barty crouch junior#harrypotter#harry potter#harry potter marauders#the marauders era
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Im just gonna say it, her post was weird. There are other ways to “show” people you too hurt. But even more than that, no one is expecting her to show that nor is anyone under the assumption that she doesnt. I’ve lost loved ones too but i dont think that should be the means to be able to give an opinion on stuff like this. Not everything is meant to me content and just the thought of posting your phone against your sink,pressing record while you look into the mirror and cry is weird as fuck, then what you play it back? It doesnt seem genuine. Obviously you’re going to hurt when loosing a parent i just don’t get the point in having to prove that you do and in that particular way. Like that other person said, posting that then posting a video of the lip-synching while also realizing that the day she filmed herself crying was the day she was dancing in Mitch’s basement has got me scratching my head.
My opinion doesnt change anything but thats just how i feel, not everything has to be proven, not everything is meant to be “content”, and not everything needs to be posted to be genuine. It reminds me of these fake apology videos where they record themselves crying and forcing the tears out, no one needs to see that to know youre sorry. Everything is for attention now a days.
i agree it's weird, but i also don't really care that she did it either. and while there are ways to show that you're hurt, if that's how she wanted to do it, there's nothing wrong with that in my book.
wanting attention isn't a bad thing. we all want attention. it's what you do to get the attention that can be negative or positive. her crying in her bathroom and then posting the video with a sad song and caption isn't hurting anyone or herself, so there's nothing wrong with it. i personally wouldn't do it, but clearly she didn't mind showing that side of herself.
and there definitely is a strange performance side to it, since you have to start the video, cry, stop it at some point, and then pick a song and write a caption. but if that helps her feel better, then i don't think it's bad. it's weird, i won't deny that. i don't think it comes across as completely disingenuous, since clearly she does miss her father a lot. you can look at any of her social media and see that.
there is a difference between what she did and what someone in an apology video does.
when a person in an apology video cries, best case scenario, is they realized they fucked up and are legitimately sorry about it so that's why they're emotional. but most ppl who cry in apology videos aren't doing it for that reason. they cry so ppl won't be harsh towards them, so that when their fans watch the video they can leave comments like "see, they didn't mean to say the n word 60 times in one second! that was two months ago, they're a changed person. look how upset they are at their past actions!" they want sympathy. they want the ppl they hurt to not be as hurt anymore bc "look i'm crying too which means i'm in pain". or, some probably cry bc they realize how much trouble (and money) this is gonna cost them.
stas is crying bc she's mourning the loss of her father. if you want to argue she's trying to get sympathy too, sure, i guess so. but it's not the same as someone trying not to be judged as harshly or called out for their wrongdoings. she's not crying to get sympathy bc of a fuck-up she did. she didn't do anything wrong. she's just expressing her emotions.
is it weird? sure. is it wrong? no, i don't think so.
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Syscourse on this website is so fucking stupid but I can't look away, its entertaining as much as it is frustrating.
Yall are so fucking stupid, anyone can talk shit about anyone, anyone can say whatever they want, talk shit get hit, whatever.
Its not a "boundary" for others to talk freely, if you don't want to associate with people then dont. Block them. Move on. Stop flinging hatred to others.
And anyway someone blocking you isn't you winning an argument.
If you get blocked its more likely it's because you're annoying or a pest or keep saying the same shit over and over and expecting people yo just give up and say "you were right all along, I renounce my personal expereinces to you, oh wise tumblr user who is an expert on everything life has to offer! Woe was I to ever beleive I could possibly have an opinion or life expereince different from anyone else, I had forgotten we all must suffer in exactly the same ways!"
Yall REFUSE to take your safety and health into your OWN HANDS and use the fucking block button and live comfortably in your little circle jerk bubbles and then COMPLAIN about it. Shut the fuck up whiney little kids.
One day when you grow up you're gonna realize none of this fucking matters. You'll get the care you need if you fight for it and it's not fucking endos online or even genuine fakers using up ""resources"" (guys fakers don't go to the doctor, duh, no I'm not arguing that bc even if they do they don't last long OR if they do then they have something ELSE seriously wrong they need treatment for, ppl don't just pay thousands of dollars for FUNSIES omg.)
It's not them, its the prohibitive nature of healthcare systems around the world who don't give a shit about you as far as your wallet goes.
Why don't you focus your fight on the actual target, the ableist and restrictive nature of much of healthcare around the world. What ever happened to mad pride? Why are yall fighting your siblings like this? It's stupid.
Here I'll help you out, go from here, learn a little.
Go outside make friends who aren't entrenched in online discourse and life your fucking life. Touch grass. Choose better battles and stop wasting your time making your PEERS lives miserable for no other reason than you need to feel good about yourself.
We can help each other if we dont just keep tearing each other down for no reason.
No instead yall just bitch and complain and whine and ATTACK OTHERS over stupid shit like wether or not someone can use an anime character's name if they introjected said anime character. Or the mere existence of people different than you. Fucking inane behaviour. Get a better hobby for fucking real.
I stick my head in from time to time because I think it's funny to see a bunch of kids whine about things that they can step away from at any moment. Except it makes me sad to see yall waste your time making dedicated syscourse blogs and other dumb bullshit youre wasting your time on. You're not changing minds, you're fighting for grains of rice on the dirt floor.
And yes actually you CAN step away from the internet at any moment and do something else with your life. Even if you're chronically bedridden, read a book, write a story, draw a picture, watch some movies, play with dolls, whatever, just take a fucking break.
I'm turning off reblogs and blocking anyone who screenshots this to argue**. Seriously, get a better hobby. Live your damn life. The opinion of a STRANGER ONLINE shouldn't make you shake and get so heated that you can't think of anything else. L
You WOULD feed the trolls and you do.
(**with one exception, if you want to agrue about the prohibitive costs of health care and provide resources that dont cost thousands, because it would actually help people)
#for the sake of honesty i will “sign off” on this#i am a member of the system who has posted here before#im not gonna act like im someone different so i can get out of jail free by claiming to be a new alter or whatever#some of you need to learn about collective responsibility and fuck off
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I've been suppressing myself.
It's such a strange concept.
What is "myself"?
One could argue that I am always myself as I can never be anything but myself.
It's me acting after all.
But there's this idea out there.
You have to be "genuine", you have to be "you", you have find "yourself".
So, what's the difference?
It's something like when a person changes their behavior to, accommodate? For others?
Let's say, accommodate for anything.
So just letting it flow.
But also, people can be impulsive in a way that isn't them either.
Being yourself is not simply just allowing any upcoming thought or impulse to become action.
So, let's think about this.
Today for me I finally felt comfortable again.
I had to be alone.
I've been so frustrated and angry recently. I've felt so much pressure to be a certain way. I've felt so much judgement from others. I'm stuck in a very tiny box, without enough room for me to stretch. Maybe I put myself in that box, but I'm not sure.
People comment on me all the time.
They comment about my music.
"This music is so sad... maybe you'd wake up more if you played something else."
"You're so unorganized and chaotic. You need to get it together."
"You're always cranky."
"It would probably help you if you did (insert literally so many fucking things here."
"You're (insert annoying adjective here), you should be more (insert presumably helpful adjective, by their standards."
"You're weird."
"Why are you like this?"
...
I'm tired of hearing it. From friends, family, coworkers...
Then other people play music, and no one comments.
People do certain things, no one comments...
And maybe I'm too focused on myself and I'm not noticing how others do comment about other people. But it feels so...
I dont know.
It feels that I'm so different people always comment on it.
They're not used to me, or how I am, or what I do, or who I am.
It's easier for me to be "myself" when I'm alone.
I enjoy "sad" music. It makes me happy. It brings a smile to my face.
Today, I got into the groove of doing dishes and I just sang.
I fixed a couple of things.
I got down to business and worked.
I enjoyed it.
My stress, and anger, and irritability washed away.
I felt free.
I had to be alone.
I'd like to be able to be open with people but it's been hard.
I try to talk about my problems, or my ideas, or my frustrations, or my dreams and aspirations...
And I just get questioned all the time.
I dont get taken at face value...
I dont feel appreciated for who I am.
And maybe I'm doing something wrong. I'm certain I am.
But also... I'd like to be able to myself. I don't understand how i can find that peace. That balance. That flow. Where I can be myself and... other people are okay with it.
I miss being free.
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If you’re okay with sharing, have you ever had toxic behaviors or tendencies and then healed from them through therapy/inner work/etc.? What is your perspective or approach on self-forgiveness?
Yes. Okay so i'm going to ramble a bit on this topic because i am going to give a genuine response and really word vomit my thoughts as i go.
Even as an adult, i know i'm not perfect. i try to be, but obviously everyone has different lifestyles and view points so your actions, no matter how genuine or well intended they may be, might be perceived differently by people. I am the type of person who always apologizes when i do something wrong, always have been. however, i don't always notice when i do something wrong because i can be absent minded at times with 80 things going on in my head, or they are things that wouldn't affect me, so unless you spell it out for me, i really wont pick up on it. im crazy big on communication now. and i provide a very delayed reaction to things that affect me emotionally. i stop for a second, take a step back and really process the situation. because things are more than just how they make us feel. we are entitled to our feelings, yes. feel your feelings. but how we react is a different story. because a lot of times you'll find that situation as a whole is shitty, or the other person has a different view point, or that you're on the losing end of it. once you understand a situation you can forgive yourself, react better, cry about it etc but it removes the factor of a toxic reaction on your part.
i think a lot of my toxic tendencies have always had alot to do with how naive i am- have always been. i remember growing up, since i wasn't exposed to much, there were a lot of situations i wasn't mentally or emotionally ready to put myself in. as a result i reacted or responded the wrong way. a lot of it comes from literally me not understanding and just reacting off my emotions really. none the less, when you're young you can get away with that but as an adult it gets trickier.
i think what got me to learn about my toxic behavior and deciding to make a change was really getting screwed over and hurt over and over again.
for most of my life, i was NOT a good communicator. i blame it on the aries in me. i would say like 3 words and to me inside i felt like i had confessed my soul but people would look at me as if i said nothing. and i dont think people ever got that from me. to be honest i always and still am misunderstood. largely in part because i let people argue with themselves, the truth always comes out.
i was also such a people pleaser and a doormat. people used to take so much advantage of me. and i wanted them to like me lol so i let it happen. and when they screwed me over, i didn't know how to communicate it so i would blow up or handle things in a matter that would automatically make me the bad guy. i would not know how to stand up for myself at all. i would freak out and get nervous. sometimes, i didnt even realise things till months later. i know that's hard to believe lol but its the truth.
i had friends do very grimy things to me, and when they came back around i would forgive them, but i didn't realize back then that i am not the type of person to forgive and forget. i wouldn't address the issue either. so my actions and behavior were totally fucked up.
at some point, after having the same experiences over and over, i held myself accountable. i forgave myself for not knowing what i didnt know. cause really thats all you can do. ive lived long enough where ive seen every single person whos been in my life, great and horrible come back. no matter the situation. life is funny that way. the universe will always continue to expose you to the same situations over and over until you learn your lesson.
a big healer for me, was doing regressive therapy and understanding my triggers and how i got myself to be the person who put myself in certain situations. that was life changing for me. and this is something that is very hard for people to understand and admit to themselves. bad things happen, people do bad things to us and they're the bad guys. yes. absolutely. but why did we put ourselves in that situation? our patterns of behavior stem from layers of experiences and reactions that are mostly learned from in our childhood. did i deserve to go through x things that made me become a certain way and respond to situations and people a certain way? absolutely not. but unless we go down to the root of our behavior, then we cant evolve from being the person who does those things.
ive been through hell and back. literal hell. and i haven't always been the best person to every one based on it. but it was always my responsibility to hold myself accountable, acknowledge my actions, and forgive myself. that's how you grow.
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https://www.facebook.com/104057744428568/posts/156998459134496/?sfnsn=mo&d=n&vh=e
Fucking told him its a huge red flag if someone doesn't get rid of their apps. Multiple apps. Smh 😠 "oh yea i don't use them anymore" proceeds to use fb dating app" for real come on bro!
Some comments of the post:
"If you have to be checking up on your Partner then you shouldn't be with that person.. Idk how people have time for all this .. love yourself and know your worth.."
"If you're in a serious committed exclusive relationship you should not be on tinder. That's how I met my fiance and as soon as we said we are gf and bf and exclusive we both deleted it. Honestly if I was her I would have broken up with him too"
"a person also has a right to trust their gut feeling and check things out if something's not feeling right. Knowledge is power"
I've already discussed this but this news clip further validates my point of the topic, nothing more. I could call him out on hs bs further with detail, but I won't....yet, out of respect even though he probably doesn't deserve it. Til he reaches me & apologizes for everything he's done, i can say whatever tf I want & i could make a whole damn list.
Its the events of this what happened that started our downfall to begin with cuz i didn't trust him & he didn't even try to gain it back just left it as is when I could've turned my back right then & there, no apology either. Didnt apologize much actually, not even when i last saw him. But from then we spiraled & he got bored of me. I wasn't giving him what he wanted in whatever way & he wanted to find more. Closed himself off from the beginning & that created his boredom 😒
Would've had a blast together like a normal fucking couple if he was less closed off, & wouldn't have felt the need to do shit behind my back.
I'll stop talking about it for now, I have the anger & urge to keep going but I wont...actually no Screw it im pissed 😡 but ill keep it light. Its just not fair, I did so much for him but I was disrespected in different aspects of the whole relationship. Fuck! I've talked about the positives alot cuz i do love him..but the negatives are such bs too.
I want a good ass sincere apology for all of it so I can forgive him & move on, ive already apologized myself even though I dont think I should have to 😒. Didnt even give me a straight answer for the breakup, it was always a different excuse when I know he just wanted to pursue other women without me around im not fucking stupid. His own toxicity was too much even for himself & I was in the line of fire, to where i was the toxic one? No fuck that its unacceptable, he always lied when it came to covering his own ass.
For all i know he's watching me squirm & taking pleasure in all the pain I'm going through over him cuz he likes the attention. But no I actually don't think so on that one he's still good & ill give him credit where its due. But I gave him all the attention he wanted/needed & still wanted more from someone else. Really dude fucking really!?
Man up & own up to your mistakes, speak to me where I can actually hear ur voice speaking back to me with sincerity. We'll apologize together. Yea ull be pissed about this, but after u get over it & calm down. Give in & call me, granted when ur ready, & open up for once in your damn reserved life. Itll help us both with more closure & may even take a weight off our shoulders if we just talk it out, no arguing...since we're done there's no point anyway..a friendly non judgment zone cuz idc, i won't think of u any less.
U confused me during & especially after the relationship cuz i didnt know who u really were, i know the good cuz that's what u allowed me to see, ive accepted the bad that I knew already & from what ive learned...i accepted u regardless.
I always forgave u & not cuz im passive, cuz forgiveness is what the Bible teaches.. ive forgiven u & myself the best i could especially with the last things ive showed u, (accept this part cuz im pissed rn & standing up for myself, ill delete eventually maybe if u ask cuz nobody wants to be seen any less of a person. but I can make it alot worse, calling me the mistake was the worst thing u ever said to me & pointing out your faults so u can be better throughout the relationship was my only toxicity to u) we actually never really fought except the 1 time, just argued a tiny bit rarely about little things.
Ive tried using every ounce of my courage to show u how much im sorry for any wrong ive done. but its up to u now to make things right. U know me, ive always said that u can talk to me about anything. I want to be able to trust again & move on whilst staying friends. What else do u have to lose, might even have a great heart to heart convo dude to dudet
Everything ive ever said up to this point lies all my Questions. But here's most of the list, we both were equally in control of the relationship. Maybe u didn't want me to? But doing everything I had to for myself & the household, what u & ur parents wanted of me & just me being me cuz i had to, u had your own part to play & did provide...but did u actually not want me to cater to u if it were a sign u were lazy or something? Like did u not feel worthy of me? What is it u think is my "addicting personality" that isn't fixable on the surface? What is it really that u didnt like about me? This is why i don't have closure, u left me like this, confused as well as wanting more since u held back so much. Was that on purpose to give me even more false hope & want me to pine over u? Did u ever or do u still, love me at all? What did u want from me & out of the relationship, what was the purpose of it from ur perspective & why do u think i couldn't give that to u? What did i lack that u felt compelled to not tell me so I could improve & vise versa so we both could improve? Why wouldn't u allow me to help u become a better man when (I shouldnt have to btw), its exactly what u wanted but maybe didnt see it? Do u realize your own faults even as u do them? Lol. Like i genuinely want to know as much as the good ive seen, cuz to be better the more open of a person u are the more u understand yourself too.
Unless claiming u want to be a better man is part of ur alluring charm in love bombing process to land a caring girl on purpose lol...god I hope not, that would just mean u rinse & repeat like a for real narcissist 🤔 seriously tho look into that im not even kidding, im asking cuz i care. Im pissed now but 1 thing is that im trying to not put ur behavior against u cuz maybe u can't help it, its just the way u are, all ive seen & experienced points to maybe 50% of u lol. Ive always suspected narcissism, a real psych problem that might be worth looking into. But yea 1 of the reasons especially why im so forgiving & trying not to put it against u, why i still care despite u being a dick lol. I chose to look past it, all the time & up to now cuz I understand what its like to have psychological ailments. The worst part about it is most dont realize it, so i encourage u to do some research & self reflection & admitting it to urself are the 1st steps. Okay? There's different kinds & levels to being 1 too, i found that fascinating. bryan is definitely a different type, ur more lighter than that...definitely not the worst which is the physical harm type. Trust me its worth finding out more about yourself, just dont use it to ur advantage in a bad way but i trust u to do right & grow. Not sure a discarded supply (ie me) has ever tried telling a narcy what they might be for the benefit of their own self awareness 🤔,idk if its ever been done, but theres a 1st for everything? U can find alot on it in quora digest alone but Google is also ur friend.
You always were worth every effort of mine to help u in any way to be happy, & i was most happy when u were. U mean alot to me still, its the effect u had on me, I was under ur spell lol its hard to rid myself of it still, not sure when it'll pass. I chose to see it as a gift rather than a curse, that ur effect on me is still so strong when I shouldn't give a damn. If u really are a narcy, then I understand & don't put alot against u cuz its just the way u are & i need to accept it, but if it somehow helps u to help yourself cuz of it, then whats the harm? But, even in doing this or having my socials public for u...maybe just feeds into what u want...i still dont care, I want u to see how bad or good im doing without u in my life, so u know im okay at least. U promised friendship, least I can do is allow u to keep tabs on me too we spoke of, on my end of things.
The 18th of June was the last time i saw u. It'll soon be a month ago in about a week & a 1/2 & your birthday would mark 2 months. Cant believe we couldn't even last through to that 😔
Mark my words playa I will be contacting u on that day lol. Can't ghost your homie forever sweetie
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