#fuck i just don't want this
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i wish i hadn't made it into this year's play tbh
#one of my classmates who's a senior and really involved with it told me to my face that this year's production is gonna be a shitshow#and so far it's been living up to it smh#no scheduling the only way to communicate abt it is a fucking facebook chat and now i'm missing the second rehearsal bcs of a trip i'm#ALREADY anxious abt bcs i have to miss that whole day of school#i just..... really don't want to deal with it#kiwifae says shit#honestly i think after this i'm taking a break from theatre for a year or two#i was so relieved when i thought i botched my audition and idk the thought of going onstage doesn't bring joy anymore#i don't want to be in this play but i really don't wanna be the kid who drops it after i said i would#especially bcs i'm in ensemble and i don't want it to be seen as me being pissy i'm not the main character#but. i just so don't want to be doing it for some reason#just seeing the days i'm going in and thinking abt tech week is just making me feel awful and dread it#i'm already having trouble with the changing season and the rehearsals go to five so i'm barely gonna see the sun#fuck i just don't want this#i wish i never auditioned and i wish i could leave without being seen like that and i'm dreading going to all those rehearsals#this might partially be the winter season and it being kinda late affecting me but god i wish i never tried out#vent#+random crying fit about this 🙄
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Good morning everybody
#chatgpt#generative ai#get fucked get fucked get fucked I hope they win#I don't care about GRRM winning. I just want chatGPT to LOSE
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A h-heartfelt reunion..?
Bonus
#Sir Crocodile#Monkey D Dragon#Emporio Ivankov#Dragodile#Crocodad#My art#One Piece#We're not gonna talk about the work I should be doing rn I have Severe Procrastinitis and I'm doing my best okay#Alternative version where it was both Crocodile and Garp beating Dragon's ass before Iva-chan joined in but that was too much effort lmao#I'm a believer in Dragon being a Wind Logia so don't worry guys he is 100% taking this beating intentionally#He knows what he did and he's dealing with the concequences of his actions. With grace.#You know I realize Iva-chan should be two whole meters taller than Crocodile but we're just gonna ignore that#Look Iva-chan taking Crocodile's side and being like ''Crocoboy is right you fucked up bad Dragon'' brings me joy#And for real I've been wanting to draw this for months. But never did because I had other shit to do. Which I still do#But. You know. Sometimes you need to draw a shitpost. It's ✨ self-care ✨#And appearently One Piece shitpost comics have become the thing I draw for myself on occassion
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Ok I am going to do this simply because the first thing I will put here I NEED to do it and I have 0 motivation to do it even though it is EXTREMELY important
In fact, I think that's the reason why I don't want to do it... anyway
If this gets to 30 notes, I do that thing ✅️
50 notes, I call to ask if my doctor's appointment has been scheduled (I've been avoiding it for two weeks now) ✅️
100 notes, I go wash my shoes that have long needed washing and are just sitting there, existing, waiting for me to deign to wash them. ✅️
200 notes, I finish organizing my room (I organized it halfway and then left a bunch of things that still don't have a defined place) ✅️
500 notes, I use the things I have to bleach and color my hair. The only thing that has stopped me is the fear of doing it wrong or being too lazy to maintain it.
1k notes, I stop doing things that I know will trigger my chronic pain with the pure intention of confirming that the pain was indeed real (don't do this. 0 recommended) ✅️
5k notes, I try some new food without fear of wasting money by buying something I most likely won't like (my autism hates new foods) ✅️
10k notes, I wear my bi flag earrings in front of someone I wouldn't usually wear them with. I trust that they possibly wouldn't have a problem with me being bi, but I would never get up the courage to tell them anything ✔️ (I haven't, but that person was in my room next to where the earrings are. They were 0% hidden)
20k notes, wtf I have absolutely no idea. If it comes to this, ehhh... Honestly, I have no idea what I'm doing here. Do I promise to be honest in therapy and stop telling them that everything is perfect even though nothing has ever been perfect? Yeah, that probably works. Please don't go this far, I don't know how to do this. Maybe I should... but... it would be awful to learn it
April 2024: I stop procrastinating editing this post with the things I've already done. I WANT THE HAIR SO MUCH BUT IT'S SO DIFFICULT
#Just my random stuff tag because I don't want to do any of this stuff#but i do want to do this stuff#fuck i really hate wanting to do things and at the same time wanting to simply... stop#fuck#jay and... jay what are you doing?
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iran has the right to defend itself
#like unironically#i don't want to speculate on what's going to happen but a big fuck you regardless to the western media stooges who are trying#to paint iran as the ''aggressor'' here#like this was just an attack that come out of nowhere
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Reblog if you're LGBT and are against MAPS/Child Groomers
#i kinda want to prove a point to certain people#i don't usually post my personal problems on here unless I need to because I find it unecessary and childish#but this bullshit has been eating me the fuck up and I need to vent#LGBT does not equal groomer#Child groomers are not LGBT#MAPs are not LGBT#TW: Child Grooming#Tagging it that just in case anyone feels uncomfortable with said topic#fucking hate Texas and religion extremists and conservatives#LGBT#LGBTQ#LGBTQIA#reblog bait
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at some point it's just like. do they even fucking like the thing they're asking AI to make? "oh we'll just use AI for all the scripts" "we'll just use AI for art" "no worries AI can write this book" "oh, AI could easily design this"
like... it's so clear they've never stood in the middle of an art museum and felt like crying, looking at a piece that somehow cuts into your marrow even though the artist and you are separated by space and time. they've never looked at a poem - once, twice, three times - just because the words feel like a fired gun, something too-close, clanging behind your eyes. they've never gotten to the end of the movie and had to arrive, blinking, back into their body, laughing a little because they were holding their breath without realizing.
"oh AI can mimic style" "AI can mimic emotion" "AI can mimic you and your job is almost gone, kid."
... how do i explain to you - you can make AI that does a perfect job of imitating me. you could disseminate it through the entire world and make so much money, using my works and my ideas and my everything.
and i'd still keep writing.
i don't know there's a word for it. in high school, we become aware that the way we feel about our artform is a cliche - it's like breathing. over and over, artists all feel the same thing. "i write because i need to" and "my music is how i speak" and "i make art because it's either that or i stop existing." it is such a common experience, the violence and immediacy we mean behind it is like breathing to me - comes out like a useless understatement. it's a cliche because we all feel it, not because the experience isn't actually persistent. so many of us have this ... fluttering urgency behind our ribs.
i'm not doing it for the money. for a star on the ground in some city i've never visited. i am doing it because when i was seven i started taking notebooks with me on walks. i am doing it because in second grade i wrote a poem and stood up in front of my whole class to read it out while i shook with nerves. i am doing it because i spent high school scribbling all my feelings down. i am doing it for the 16 year old me and the 18 year old me and the today-me, how we can never put the pen down. you can take me down to a subatomic layer, eviscerate me - and never find the source of it; it is of me. when i was 19 i named this blog inkskinned because i was dramatic and lonely and it felt like the only thing that was actually permanently-true about me was that this is what is inside of me, that the words come up over everything, coat everything, bloom their little twilight arias into every nook and corner and alley
"we're gonna replace you". that is okay. you think that i am writing to fill a space. that someone said JOB OPENING: Writer Needed, and i wrote to answer. you think one raindrop replaces another, and i think they're both just falling. you think art has a place, that is simply arrives on walls when it is needed, that is only ever on demand, perfect, easily requested. you see "audience spending" and "marketability" and "multi-line merch opportunity"
and i see a kid drowning. i am writing to make her a boat. i am writing because what used to be a river raft has long become a fully-rigged ship. i am writing because you can fucking rip this out of my cold dead clammy hands and i will still come back as a ghost and i will still be penning poems about it.
it isn't even love. the word we use the most i think is "passion". devotion, obsession, necessity. my favorite little fact about the magic of artists - "abracadabra" means i create as i speak. we make because it sluices out of us. because we look down and our hands are somehow already busy. because it was the first thing we knew and it is our backbone and heartbreak and everything. because we have given up well-paying jobs and a "real life" and the approval of our parents. we create because - the cliche again. it's like breathing. we create because we must.
you create because you're greedy.
#every time someones like ''AI will replace u" im like. u will have to fucking KILL ME#there is no replacement here bc i am not filling a position. i am just writing#and the writing is what i need to be doing#writeblr#this probably doesn't make sense bc its sooo frustrating i rarely speak it the way i want to#edited for the typo wrote it and then was late to a meeting lol#i love u people who mention my typos genuinely bc i don't always catch them!!!! :) it is doing me a genuine favor!!!#my friend says i should tell you ''thank you beta editors'' but i don't know what that means#i made her promise it isn't a wolf fanfiction thing. so if it IS a wolf thing she is DEAD to me (just kidding i love her)#hey PS PS PS ??? if ur reading this thinking what it's saying is ''i am financially capable of losing this'' ur reading it wrong#i write for free. i always have. i have worked 5-7 jobs at once to make ends meet.#i did not grow up with access or money. i did not grow up with connections or like some kind of excuse#i grew up and worked my fucking ASS OFF. and i STILL!!! wrote!!! on the side!!! because i didn't know how not to!!!#i do not write for money!!!! i write because i fuckken NEED TO#i could be in the fucking desert i could be in the fuckken tundra i could be in total darkness#and i would still be writing pretentious angsty poetry about it#im not in any way saying it's a good thing. i'm not in any way implying that they're NOT tryna kill us#i'm saying. you could take away our jobs and we could go hungry and we could suffer#and from that suffering (if i know us) we'd still fuckin make art.#i would LOVE to be able to make money doing this! i never have been able to. but i don't NEED to. i will find a way to make my life work#even if it means being miserable#but i will not give up this thing. for the whole world.
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Because I have just seen this specific thing for the second time, I would like to say:
If I reblog your art, I do not expect you to reblog (or share!) my fic in return
If I comment on your fic, I do not expect you to comment on (or read!) mine in return
My enjoyment of anyone's work does not come with strings or expectations
My friendship is not a bill that you will have to pay later
That's it!
#the fucking obsession with fandom becoming ~content creation~ has got to stop. this is not a business.#i don't like it when someone acts like i owe them because they complimented my work#and i will never do that to someone else#kindness has to be freely given or it isn't kindness; it's manipulation#this just. makes me feel super gross and it upsets me that it's happened twice#and that both people explicitly stated in their profiles that this is an expectation they have of fandom#you can't form a community by force. that's not how it works.#anyways. rant over. i just want it to be known that i'm not expecting anything from anyone lol#if i talk to you or hang out it's because i want to. i don't want anything from you except you know#kindness and companionship or w/e#bleargh. gonna go play a game or something.#dixeram
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being aromantic is like. hey btw you're going to live a life that is the culmination of most of society's worst nightmares. sorry lol ✌️ but then you turn around and take a really good hard look at it and it turns out that living in that nightmare is fucking awesome and you get to wake up every day and take that fear that other people have and laugh and hold it close until it's a great joy for you instead. and being happy is a radical act that you define instead of someone else. and you're sexy as fuck that's just a fact of life i don't make the rules on that one
#aromantic people are just sexy i'm not making the decisions here it's just facts#course ur hot as fuck. it came free with the aromanticism#being sexy is just default settings for aromantic people 👍#hope this all helps. anyway i'm on my 'i hope i die alone <3 i can't wait to die alone <3' kick rn#i think the existential fear that people have of Not Partnering specifically is so. well.#obviously that shit is strong and it is SO awesome to be free of it.#realizing you're aro and you don't Want a partner can be such a hit to the solar plexus#cause society says that's the only thing that'll make you happy. so either you go without that thing or you force yourself#into doing something you don't want which would make you unhappy anyway.#so you think it's a lose lose situation and you have to come to terms with what amatonormativity presents as the worst possible situation#but then! whoa! turns out personhood is inherently valuable in and of itself and romantic partnering is just a construct!#and that nightmare is now your life to do with as you please... define as you will... structure as you want...#best case scenario. is what i'm saying.#every day i wake up ready to spit all that amatonormative rhetoric back in life's teeth by being alone and being happy#and it's so fucking satisfying. every day.#fucking JUBILANT being by myself. and i love being a living breathing 'fuck you' to the romantic system#you need a partner to be happy? oh that's sooo fucking crazy guess i'll go be miserable then. in my perfect fucking dream life lmao#yeah obviously it's the worst possible outcome on earth to die without a partner. so terrible. can't wait for it :)#aromantic#aromanticism#aro positivity#aroace#arospec#sorry to bitches who are sad about not having a partner. i could not give a fuck though get better soon#you couldn't EVER pay me enough to go back to a mindset in which my inherent value wasn't enough by myself.#FUCK that shit. absolutely miserable and a bad life outlook in general. like genuinely do the work w/ amatonormativity and get better#life is something that can be so fulfilling whether someone wants to kiss you or whatever or not#i'm on antidepressants and i have people i care deeply about. what the fuck would i need a partner for lmao
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This might seem like an "old man yells at cloud" situation, but it's just wild growing up and being told how dangerous distracted driving is - how, at highway speeds, you can traverse the length of a football field (100 yards, 91 meters) in a matter of seconds - how one split second sending a text while driving could result in a potential fatal crash, and then getting on the road as a driver and being surrounded by billboards. Their entire purpose is to catch one's attention, so they're lining major roads, which tend to be highways. How is it that you're told how important it is to never be distracted while driving, but still being advertised to?
At best, this type of advertising is an eyesore to pedestrians and motorists and a general waste of electricity to light it, and at worst, it is an active danger considering they are there to advertise and therefore, must catch people's attention.
I'm not even against advertising in theory, but this particular mode bothers me so much and I hate how pervasive it is - especially in large cities or highways.
#politics#i don't know much about são paulo banning marketing billboards but on paper i want that here in the USA#as a motorist it at best just makes me more anxious driving in those larger cities because i want to FOCUS ON THE ROAD#and passing 5000 billboards per mile isn't helping actually!#i've gotten good at filtering that out of my FOV but it's still fucking exhausting lol#i especially hate those modern electric billboards. despise them actually#i am aware that advertising is a critical aspect to business management in some cases...#...but it shouldn't risk the safety of the populous for you to advertise to them and i see things like billboards as risking safety...#...i feel similarly about online advertising in that so much of it risks internet user's safety...#...such as flashing ads online which risk triggering epileptic seizures in light/photo-sensitive folks#distracted driving (texting): NO >:( || distracted driving (being advertised to): YAYYYY :D#i've been driving on my own for a few years now and i've been thinking about this for ENTIRELY too long
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hey idk which anxious pre-t babe needs to hear this but i didn't get to when i was younger so. testosterone will not make you ugly. it won't make you a horrible person. it won't 'mutilate' or ruin your body. if you want to go on testosterone then literally all that happens is it makes you really fucking hot and REALLY fucking happy.
#ramble#literally very hot. like very hot#there is so much sweat#'oh you're just trying to paint a pretty picture that it's all fine' yeah i am!!! it's fucking great. i love it#trans people aren't sad clueless little babes who don't know what's going on. if you want to go on hormones you Know what it's going to do#and you WANT THAT WHICH IS WHY YOU'RE DOING IT#i hate hate hate seeing detransitioners like 'it destroyed and mutilated me'#*proceeds to list the normal effects of hormones*#it's all fearmongering and it's SICK#personally i think we should start glorifying transition more. because it's BEAUTIFUL
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i genuinely don't care how good a piece of ai generated art or writing looks on the surface. i don't care if it emulates brush strokes and metaphor in a way indistinguishable from those created by a person.
it is not the product of thoughtful creation. it offers no insights into the creator's life or viewpoint. it has no connection to a moment in time or a place or an attitude. it has no perspective. it has no value.
it's empty, it's hollow, and it exists only to generate clicks (and by extension, ad revenue.)
it's just another revolting symptom of the disease that is late stage capitalism, and it fucking sucks.
#''but i just want to use it to--'' don't care! it's shit! stop fucking feeding it!#if you need help generating ideas or jumping off points then join an artist or writer group online#talk to people#make connections#that's what art and writing is supposed to be about in the first place#i'm mad as hell etc.#so goddamn sick and tired of seeing ai shit get passed around on here#it's bad enough in general but every time i see more of it showing up#tagged as fan art or as fic#the angrier i get#heartfelt imperfection in art and writing will always ALWAYS be worth more than the most technically ''perfect'' ai generated image or text#fandom problems#ai generation algorithms die in a fire challenge 2k23#just a heads up that i'm muting this post and will no longer see responses to it#because i'm tired of seeing dogshit takes from jackasses who want to ''debate'' me#there's no debate you're in the wrong on literally every level and you can die mad about it
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#bro i just wanted to play a game without getting attached to anyone#but there is always some fucking guy#not tagging shit sorry i don't want to interact with the fandom#i've interacted with enough fandoms 😂#bwb23#my draws
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kabru and mithrun's fun succubus adventure
#dunmeshi#really cool art i thought up#kabru of utaya#mithrun#dunmeshi spoilers#<- idk. anime watchers dont know who mithrun is or what he does so i think it needs a spoiler warning#labru#<- I GUESS..................#I'M SORRY For adding that stupid fucking figure i think it's really funny and i never want to see it again in my life#i don't think his succubus would show up as that thing i think hes more Complex than that it would just be funny#also mithrun's succubus might actually shapeshift who knows?? Thats not what this comic is about though. just My Funny Joke.
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Friendly (or unfriendly if you're against this) reminder that this blog is supportive of ALL disorders. This blog does not think ANY disorder inherently makes someone a bad person, and is against any disorder being demonized. This blog wholeheartedly believes that a bad person having a disorder, yes, even if things that are also symptoms of their disorder are part of what caused harm, does not make the disorder a "bad" or "evil" disorder or excuse ableism and demonization directed towards the disorder.
Yes this includes personality disorders
Including npd and aspd
Yes this includes all psychotic disorders & disorders that cause psychotic symptoms
Yes this includes paraphilic disorders. All of them.
Yes this includes disorders that cause, or are even characterized by, attention seeking
Yes this includes disorders that directly have lying as a common symptom
Yes this includes dissociative disorders
Yes this includes any disorder with "gross" symptoms
Yes this includes physical disorders too
Yes this includes disorders that can cause loss of control of any kind- control of speech, control of body movement, etc.
Yes tis includes disorders that make someone "look scary"
This goes for literally any fucking disorder. There are not exceptions.
#disability activism#ableism#demonization#disability awareness#personality disorders#npd#aspd#psychotic#psychotic disorders#paraphilic disorder#attention seeking#pathological lying#dissociative disorder#idk what other tags to put#also additional note I literally have a couple disorders on this list#and symptoms of several too#so if you're thinking of trying to argue on this post just fuck off#I guarantee you will not change my mind#and I don't want to hear it either
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okay but like. I just had the weirdest thought about that ‘don’t look I’m naked’ comic. Which is that that’s essentially the same thing Adam and Eve did after they ate the fruit of knowledge of good&evil. So I feel like the theological implications of that could kneecap Gabe if he doesn’t think V1 is a being with free will.
yeah ok. i dunno man. is this anything
((side note. this isn’t necessarily meant to be in-character or story-accurate or take place at any particular point in time, just a way to explore some Thoughts. i was also imagining more that V1’s words aren't actually spoken, more like Gabriel’s more articulate interpretation of whatever garbled mechanical noise V1 is using to communicate. I think an angel could do that.))
and then they fucked nasty the end
#my art#my writing#who fuckin sent this. fuck you. come off anon so i can kick your ass. (the thoughts this ask sparked consumed almost 3 days of my life)#i dont know what this even is#i just work here#disclaimer i don't come from a particularly religious background so like.#most of my knowledge of christianity comes from when my mom sent me to vbs for cheap babysitting in middle school or absorbed via osmosis#so i have no idea what im talking about except for when i do! hope this helps#i love how i say that like i expect biblical scholars to tear apart my ultrakill gay fanfiction#if you are a biblical scholar and you want to tear apart my ultrakill gay fanfiction please know i am not going to read the bible for this#ultrakill#v1 ultrakill#gabriel ultrakill#gabv1el#blood#love tagging ultrakill stuff with blood. hmm yes the floor here is made out of floor
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