Levi Ackerman | Shingeki No Kyojin Final Trailer

Please don’t feel obligated to reply because this might be a touchy issue, but i see on one of your posts that you hate Hacker News. I just discovered HN a few months ago and have been enjoying it, but as a fellow trans person i’m curious if they’ve been transphobic or the like (based on the context of your comment) and if i should stay away

OKAY SO here's thing thing: as a reader, HN is... fine. They're not great. They have a history of sexism in what posts get boosted and a history of various shades of transphobia in the comments, but that's not particularly unusual as far as internet forums go. Reddit is much the same, for example.

My problems with HN are related to getting posted there. The way the site works when you're reading it and when you're getting posted there are very different. More explanation under the readmore since this got long. (warning: some talk of transphobia and doxxing)

The site is not avoidable. Back when I was still on twitter, getting posted on HN meant your notifications were useless for a week, because they are scraped by endless bots trying to farm for likes and reblogs, and every single one of them ends up tagging you. And even now when I'm off twitter, getting posted there means you still get informed that you've been posted there, by well-meaning people who know you hate it, or are just innocently commentating on how it's neat to see you on HN. Or hey, in the latest iteration, you find out because your askbox is now full of slurs (and not just the ones you'd expect!). Basically, it is impossible to be submitted to HN and not know about it.

And then it gets worse because it's now a known fact that I don't like being on HN. Meaning every time I AM on HN, it turns into a big debate in the comments about why I don't like HN, why I post the way I do, and people arguing with the explanation of my opinion. I'm not even there, and people are mad at the phantom of me for not doing things in the way they like.

Because how I post is part of what they always get mad at me about. I have severe ADHD: This is a well known fact about me, I post about it a lot. It means that I used to post on twitter a lot, because twitter was (at the time) one of the only sites I could post on at all: The way it makes you chop up your line of thinking into small chunks, each of which is small enough that I can focus on it. I've since managed to handle tumblr-posting, and I occasionally post on mastodon now, but for most of the time that I was posted on HN, I was posting this way, only on twitter, in long threads where I don't think much ahead or do editing/revisions BECAUSE I CAN'T.

And here's the thing about people who prefer more "traditional" geek news sites like HN: A lot of them are there because they hate the bite-size nature of sites like twitter and tiktok. And they are Not Happy with people submitting twitter threads to HN: They hate that kind of formatting of content, and announce that fact, loudly.

And then people in the comments point out that I have ADHD and can't post in the style they'd prefer (long well-edited blog posts), and then it turns into an argument there, often with people happily brining up their opinions on whether ADHD is "real" or things like that. Again, I'm getting argued about without being there to defend myself.

And this is where it gets transphobic, through the indirect route of sexism: Someone says something innocent but vaguely dickish like "well he should just hire someone to rewrite all his twitter posts as blog posts!" (like they think I am doing this as a job and can afford to pay an editor, rather than just some weirdo who rants because that's what they do). They assume I'm a man, because most of the people who get posted on HN (and especially the ones who get upvoted) are. They just assume everyone without an Obviously Female Name and a profile picture that's a photo of a smiling woman is male, and honestly they're probably right most of the time, because that's just how the gender balance on HN ends up working.

And then someone points out I use they/them pronouns, and it just goes to shit. You get people yelling that it's not their job to figure out the pronouns of everyone they're talking about, like it's a perfectly normal thing to just assume everyone is male, you get people arguing about how "he" used to be the gender neutral pronoun, you get people arguing that singular-they is ungrammatical, you get people taking offense at the very idea of they/them pronouns because "you can't force everyone to follow your religion" (as apparently either trans or non-binary is a religion now (well, I am a pope)), and then a bunch of "[post flagged]" and you can only speculate about how bad THOSE posts were, if so much other transphobia is still sitting in the comments, untouched by the supposed moderators who are supposed to delete it.

You get people calling you mentally ill, and then getting in arguments about how they mean YOU SPECIFICALLY for the crime of "wanting to not be posted on HN", and not all trans people. Because apparently the HN rules are fine with you saying "this specific trans person is mentally ill and should be locked up" as long as you don't imply that your statements also apply to trans people in general.

And then you get hate in your contact forms for days because people realize you're not active on the HN comments and need to bring the "fight" to you directly.

And frankly, this whole mess is made worse by the site's userbase treating it as a joke or something easily fixable. Like, aside from making my pronouns "obvious" (I'm not sure how, exactly? it's already in all my profiles) which wouldn't help, they want me to just move to a different site, one where I can easily block incoming links by their referrer? They always point to JWZ's blog as an example of this, but he's hosting his posts on his own site. He fundamentally is doing something very different than I am, and I really shouldn't have to CHANGE WHAT SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORMS I USE just because they're being a butt.

And treating it like a joke? oy vey! I once posted a rant on tumblr about WHY EXACTLY I don't like getting posted on HN, and guess what happened next? SOMEONE POSTED THAT THREAD ON HN.

They also have a history of getting mad at me for not wanting to be posted on HN, like it's prima-dona behavior or "egotistical". Like I should be just happy that my stuff got posted there, something that has only ever brought negative attention. I think maybe they assume I'm doing this as a job, and every time they link to my stuff, I make a bunch of money? That's not the case. I don't make any money from them. I don't have ads. This isn't my job. (Fun fact: I know at least one person who has their blog set up to show ads only when HN links to their content, and not otherwise)

I really don't know why they think it's egotistical of me to not want to get harassed, dismissed, and spammed by their site and their users. It's almost like they think it's me posting my content on HN myself, which I would never do because it doesn't aid me in any way. If I was making content for them, I would make sure it gets posted there. I'm not, so I don't. I post for the sites I post on. I could blog in a way they'd like and then post it to HN if I wanted to. I don't. I choose to tweet (in the past) or post on tumblr or post on mastodon, because I'm posting for those specific communities.

And the thing about it is that all these points are, to some extent, obvious. And people know them. Maybe not the people posting the most unthinking takes on HN, but others will point them out. So this just contributes to any HN thread on my posts turning into a big argument.

And there's always people going "WELL JUST DON'T READ THE POSTS ABOUT YOU" as if that's a reasonable option. first of all, I can't be ignorant about them, as mentioned before they kick down my door and go HEY FOONE YOU'RE ON HACKERNEWS. But more importantly, I'm trans. Do you know what happens if enough people get mad at you online? They start posting your home address, phone number, and pictures of your face and relatives. I have to stay at least SLIGHTLY aware of how the discussion on me is going, or I'll be completely surprised when someone shows up at my house with a gun. (This isn't hyperbole: I have gotten doxxed before because I made a twitter thread that got the wrong people a little too mad at me)

Anyway I've talked to the admins of the site and they have basically refused to do anything about it. They admit that they can block my posts from showing up on the site, but they don't want to because people enjoy my content. My wishes don't matter.

And anyway the epilogue is that this has mostly worked out by now. I stopped posting on twitter, not because HN was pushing me to a site where I could better control my post's reach, but because Elon destroyed it. I'm posting longer-form content now, not because my ADHD got better, but because years of training myself to write this way has made it so that I can handle writing as if I was on twitter-like sites, without the enforced restrictions of them.

And I have countermeasures against HN now. Offensive and defensive ones. I'm a little less likely to be posting Cool Tech Stuff here on tumblr now (because every time this happens it severely dampens my enthusiasm for the subject), but I'm a lot less worried that something I post will end up on HN now, as I have options. (I don't want to go into them because HN being HN, they might take preemptive counter-countermeasures to try to disarm them).

Anyway, tl;dr: it's okay if you like reading the site. my problems with it are with getting submitted there, not with reading it. As long as you don't submit my content there, that's 100% okay with me.

A Word-Filled Update

that no one's asking forrrr~

Sooooo, hiya~ ^^

Realized I kinda dropped out without much word, and wanted to give a lil update to anyone who may care, (and specifically to all the unfilled requests that have been sat in my inbox for months now T~T)

Dropping it under a cut because it gets quite long~ but I'll also TL;DR it with: been a bit burnt out, trying to get back into this, I apologize for all the unanswered asks, and I will be trying to get to the ones I can, but I'll be focusing more on trying to enjoy the process of making content~ Thank you to anyone who's stuck around <3

(Tw for brief mention of mental health/neurodivergencies~ nothing in depth or dark, but just incase anyone wants to avoid that <3)

Nothing serious has been going on, mostly just burn out and a bit of drama in main friend group, combined with free time just being a lot more limited recently~ (not a bad thing, most of it is because I'm getting to talk more with friends I've gotten closer to this past year~)

That said, I've been trying to get back into content, making it, reblogging it, etc, without letting it become all-consuming. I find, with the way my brain works, mostly to do to some wonderful neurodivergent tendencies, I tend to fall heavily into 'all of nothing' mentality.

This shows up in my day to day life, (ie: can't wash the dishes for weeks until I suddenly do them all in one day) and I've definitely noticed it with content creation. Need to write and finish a story in one go, record a wav as fast as possible, always afraid I'll lose that motivation.

But honestly? I love making content on here! And I'm not a huge blog, nor do I care if I am (at least trying not to, if I'm being painfully honest~) but I genuinely love making content. Whether it's just for me, a request that I am hoping one specific person will enjoy, or a story I write with a community in mind, I just love creating~

So, I'm trying to ease my way back into this! Bit by bit, let it be fun, and enjoyable, with less internal pressure to produce as much as I can, as fast as I can, and make it be perfect.

I won't lie and say 'numbers don't matter to me', if I'm honest, they do. But I'm learning more and more how to let it be about the content, and to just enjoy the process~ (and if people like it, that'll be a wonderful bonus!~)

Wooo this is getting so long, I apologize sincerely! Last thing, something I've mentioned a few times previously but never really let myself get into... requests~

I'm so honoured that people care about my content enough to have asked for things, and getting any ask, request, praise, ask lists, heck even just a 'hi!' is honestly the best part of this blog for me!

Buuuut, I definitely worked myself into burn-out before with a "every request needs to be filled and fast" mentality, that led to just... not filling any.

So! I'm going back through my inbox, and deleting some older ones that I don't have a clear vision/motivation for. I apologize to anyone who requested them, though by now it's possible they're long gone~ But I think this will help me not only start enjoying the creation process without feeling so overwhelmed, but also start actually getting more content made~

There are definitely a bunch that I still adore, and am thrilled to get to test out, but if there's one you remember sending, and you really want to see it completed, please feel free to send another ask saying what it is you want done, and I'll see if I can get that going <3

And if you've stuck it out to the end here- uh hi! ^^ I'm sorry this is so long, I'm such a words person, but I appreciate you so much, not just for any support you've offered, but just bothering to read this <3 I genuinely didn't expect most to make it this far, so thank you so deeply <3 and I hope to see you guys around as I start reblogging stuff more!~

Coming to terms with stuff

The first thing I come to terms with is that Tumblr has somehow blacklisted me. I've been told that you can't find my posts (unless someone who follows me has reblogged them) and that you can only see my blog if you follow me. Interesting. I guess it has to do with the fact that I post Mature Content. And that I apparently use tags deemed problematic by Tumblr. Which means I don't really need to be surprised that I get virtually no interaction anymore if no one (or very few) reblog my pictures. Because apparently I only exist on a very limited scale now. Well, there's nothing I can do about that. Then that's just the way it is.

That's reassuring in a way, because it means that I'm not suddenly drawing so crappy that nobody cares anymore, but that I'm just not drawing well enough for enough people to reblog it and thus avoid the shadowban.

It's still a major dickmove by Tumblr - but until the anti-sexuality climate in America changes for the better again, there's nothing I can do about it.

The second thing I'm trying to come to terms with now is that Warhammer fandom seems to be moving away from Tumblr. My feed is getting emptier. I see fewer amusing rants, fewer completely weird headcanons, hardly any "hey, I wrote a fanfic, check it out!" posts, and far fewer new pictures from fanartists.

Or, who knows - maybe all these other content creators are shadowbanned like me? Maybe Tumblr has muted them too?

I guess it's like everywhere else: fandom is moving to Discord. And that's where I can't follow.

For me, Discord is a sensory overload of a thousand messages that I can't cope with. It first confuses me, then exhausts me and finally makes me aggressive. It's just too much. It's like standing in a central station at rush hour and not having headphones to block it all out. So now I am excluded from this new medium that unites so many fans.

I'm not asking for it to go back to "the way it used to be". I just have to come to terms with the fact that I'm not really in fandom any more, even though I'd like to be. I'm waving from outside and hoping for reports from friends who still catch things.

And the last thing I want to come to terms with is that the things I particularly love and find interesting in the Warhammer universe are not shared by many others. No matter how often and enthusiastically I hold up my Blorbos and shower them with glitter - they are and remain uninteresting to the majority of other fans. Fulgrim is the most likely to be Flavour of the Month, but I'm more interested in his Legion than in him, even though I love his tragic, dramatic and monstrous aspects (and even those are things that meet with very few other fans' approval).

I am happy that I have found friends whom I can bombard with my ideas and images. And from whom I get their ideas and works in return. That's great and fun.

But still … it's like we say in Germany: Früher war mehr Lametta! ("there used to be more tinsel.")

I want to make do with the little tinsel I have and be happy.

That is a little like Zen!

Accurate depiction of me drawing Lucius and Saul.

Hey look I'm just a little confused but um. you say you're triggered by starscream and the color pink but you commissioned something of yourself and Starscream with a whole lot of pink?

I'm sorry, I'm just confused yere ;-; I really do wish you the best but I just find it. Strange? And confusing?

Oh it's all good, no need to apologize!! I can get why it's confusing. I already explained this very briefly in another post but I can explain it again in much more detail this time.

tl;dr: I have a lot of grounding techniques from years of therapy, overall I am not trying to avoid my triggers right now, I am trying to sit with the emotions they give me, I am feeling every feeling, no matter how ugly or gut-wrenching or raw, and I am letting these feelings pass through me and make me stronger for surviving them. I learned from experience a long time ago that avoiding your feelings makes the healing go backwards. but I am only able to embrace the feelings now because it's been MONTHS since these triggers started, I have made a lot of progress since January when things were at their worst. I would not have been able to look at TF content or the color pink way back in January, no way. but right now? in May? today where I have made a bit of money and ate a rly good donut, and haven't been triggered at all for maybe two days? yeah I'm feeling pretty stable and I can look at the color pink no problem.

In my pinned post, I said I ordered a few commissions from artists MONTHS ago, there are about 5 of them lined up that haven't been completed yet. I thought that ordering them might help me feel a little better about Transformers (they weren't feeling like triggers yet), it was during a time when I was starting to feel like something was going wrong, like around the winter time, I started to feel them slipping away from me. I knew I was flinching around them and it was concerning me, I knew it could become a problem if I didn't do something about it. (The something I needed to do was cut my abuser out of my life, but unfortunately I didn't do that quick enough, I kept giving her too many chances.) Transformers wasn't making me stress vomit yet, I wasn't breaking into hives yet, all of that was happening because my abuser was stressing me out *so much*, and then and only then Transformers was starting to get associated with her, slowly and gradually. These triggers did not happen overnight and it was not all at once. I've been dealing with this for almost 9 months now. It took about 3 or 4-ish months of enduring the abuse before I started to flinch, then have panic attacks, then be so overwhelmed after seeing something that I would have to just lie on the floor and cry and shake like a chihuahua for like ten full minutes. (Very happy to say I don't have panic attacks so severe that I collapse onto the floor every day, now it's only once or twice a week and only if I see a MAJOR trigger. Most of my panic attacks don't send me to the hospital anymore either. Progress!)

If you read further into my pinned post where I talk about how I bought some commissions, I expressed "I am tempted to message [the 5 artists who haven't started the commissions yet] just to tell them to keep the money and forget the commission. I am so desperate to feel love again, maybe one of these commissions will re-ignite that love from Starscream. Or I’ll continue to feel numb. I don’t know. I feel so awful. I don’t even really buy commissions, I normally just draw my own self ships, but I can’t bring myself to draw anything."

The commission you saw recently reblogged, THAT one I actually bought the day that I returned to my blog; all of you sent me so much love and support, I felt like I was fully capable of healing. I felt so good for like a full day, I didn't have any panic attacks, I only shook a little bit when seeing a few things, but it was my first day in several months where I could really function like a whole entire person!! That is HUGE for me!!! I've spent over 8 months thinking I'm incapable of healing, and for a full 15-ish hours, I felt almost like my old self again, because of all the love you guys sent me. So, during that high, I used a small portion of the money I made bartending last month to pay for the commission. And then I saw my ex-friend reblogged onto my dashboard the next day, and that gave me a full blown panic attack, stress vomiting and all, and it took me about four hours to fully calm down from it. Since then, I've felt kind of numb to the characters again, I'm back to feeling super depressed, believing they'd manipulate me just like my ex did. However, despite these negative feelings, I still managed to feel okay when seeing my commission completed yesterday! I am fully in control of what I commission. I requested Starscream, I requested myself to be drawn in my favorite pink shirt. I was fully in control of my own commission request, I didn't feel like I was in danger. I knew what to expect and it was my choice.

Now, I will tell you why I actively chose Starscream and pink. It's been 5 full months since pink (and crop tops, boots, etc also listed in my pinned) became a trigger, and I can tell you it's definitely not as strong of a trigger as it was back in January. January was when I was severely betrayed, when I was the most hurt, when I told myself there was no way in hell that I could ever feel comfortable or safe around my ex-friend ever again. My emotions were raw, heightened, all of my anxiety and stress was so overwhelming, and then I suddenly developed a bunch of triggers. I would not have commissioned a pink Starscream drawing five months ago. I would not have requested my S/I to be wearing a pink shirt. But I'm healing! I am learning how to rewire my brain into recognizing these things as things that are safe, things that I used to love so much. Also, I haven't seen my ex-friend commission that person before, so I felt like it was "Safe" to commission this person, because I have not associated their art style with my ex-friend, if that makes sense. I would not have been able to commission a few other artists that I know my ex-friend commissions monthly.

And TFP Starscream himself, he's never going to be blacklisted, I'm never going to actively try to avoid him if I can help it! I love him so dearly, even if I am currently in a position where I fear he wouldn't love me back. Even if looking at him might make me really sad sometimes. Back in January when he became a trigger for the first time, yes then of course he was a MAJOR trigger at the time! I couldn't watch any of my favorite episodes with him, I couldn't make it past three minutes because I was hurting so much. All of these triggers started up about 5 or 6 months ago, and they all felt so monumental to me! But half of them don't make me feel like I'm gonna be sent to the hospital due to a chest-crushing panic attack anymore, at least not as often as before. It's still bad, but not really fucking bad, if that makes sense. There's only about 4 or 5 characters that I know for a fact I cannot look at, and I've had those characters blacklisted and filtered so I won't risk running across them. Starscream is definitely not blacklisted. He has always been too special to me. I know my love from him is still deep within me, I know I can feel safe around him again if I can keep working hard on healing. Most days, I don't really feel scared of him anymore, I just feel so sad. Which is better than being scared, I think that's still progress even if it hurts.

My bedroom is pink. My phone case is a pink print of Bee and Puppycat. My autograph from Steve Blum is on my desk, where he says Starscream loves his little starflower. Hailee Steinfeld wears crop tops and shorts and boots and there's a polaroid of her wearing these things also sitting on my very pink desk. I have the potential to get a panic attack if I am not careful, but I know my body and my brain. When I wake up, I am either immediately hit with overwhelming dread and anxiety, adrenaline rushing through me as if I'm in danger... this is what we'd call a "Really Fucking Bad Day"... or, I might wake up and I might be a bit on edge, a bit tense, but I'm a lot more stable. This is what I call a "Somewhat Okay Day."

On my Somewhat Okay Days, I can wake up in my pink room and not even register that my walls are pink, that my desk is pink, that my posters have pinkie pie on them. I can go online and I can scroll my dashboard and I'm not gonna have a panic attack if I see a Transformers character. I might flinch if it's a character that my ex-friend spent a lot of time making me feel scared of. But with someone like Starscream, any iteration... I might feel sad, I might cry a little because I miss him, but honestly I don't feel any strong fear when I look at him anymore, it's not like I'm at risk of going to the hospital. If that were the case, I would not be online at all! I did feel so scared of him just months ago, I did, every day for a long time starting in January, but I'm definitely not as bad as I was. That's why I took so long to come back online, I wanted to wait until I was confident that I'd be able to curate my online experience properly. I waited until I cut my abuser out of my life, which I did one month ago, now I am safer than I have felt in over 8 months. If I genuinely, genuinely could not handle ANY Transformers whatsoever, I would not have come back to tumblr, where I'd see TF content posted by the 1000+ TF blogs that I follow. I would still be jumping between hospitals, I would still be an inconsolable mess.

But on my Really Fucking Bad Days, when I wake up and I feel how raw and hurt and scared I am, shaking with my chest tight and my brain preparing me for "danger", I have to tell myself "ooh. I'm not good today. I need to be very gentle with myself today." Those are the days that I meditate, do breathing exercises more than normal. Those are the days where I don't go online at all, I just let my queue keep rolling out the posts. Those are the days when I might need to walk out of my room and look at the beige living room walls instead of the pink. Or, hey, ptsd is fucking weird, sometimes pink won't be the main trigger that day, but it will be crop tops. Maybe it will be Earthspark that day. Most of the time it's multiple triggers, but it doesn't have to necessarily be Every Single Thing That Has Ever Triggered Me all at once. These triggers and their severity fluctuate depending on the day, whether I've been triggered before days ago, whether I'm sleeping enough or eating enough, whether I'm overworked or not... it's always different.

Today, I'm doing okay with pink, I am sitting in my pink room and I'm not shaking. I might need to walk out of my room and go outside for a little while to change my environment, because I don't know how long I'm able to look at pink before I might start to feel uncomfortable. Could be an hour, could be 12 hours, who knows!! But I don't want to sit in my room at my computer all day anyways lol. Tomorrow, I might not be fine, tomorrow I might be a mess. I never know! I just have to take it one day at a time, it really sucks basically playing Spin The Wheel the second I wake up and my brain landing on some random Thing that is associated with my abuser and deciding whether or not I'd be able to handle it.

My brain is processing what happened to me, my brain is always ready to kick itself into Survival Mode. My brain is trying to process what happened. It's trying to make sense of something that can't be explained: why was I hurt so badly, why did I feel so unsafe around someone who kept insisting she cared about me, how the hell did she find my city and my store's phone number, why did this happen at all? All of these questions can't be explained and my brain is just trying to help me survive. I did the best that I could at the time, I was with this person for whatever reasons was the best of my awareness when I was hurting, I was desperate for a friend and I hadn't seen her true colors until they were shown to me, and by the time I knew I was in an unhealthy friendship, I was far too weak to try to get out of it. PTSD is basically like "Okay, you were hurt REAL BAD! And you've endured trauma before from other people! So here's what I'll do for you, I'll make sure you remember all the warning signs of This Traumatic Event! That way you can't run into this event anymore! Red cloaks, boots, crop tops, shorts, green eyes, the color pink!! TFA!! Predacons and dragons and mice!! Remember these objects because it means that if you see them, she's gonna hurt you again!! Don't forget she commissions literally everyone, so why don't we just add EVERY TF CHARACTER to this ever-growing list!!" and I'm like, thank you brain for protecting me, but also what the fuck that is So Many Things. And like, yeah, it does sound ridiculous, and a lot of people make fun of PTSD triggers because they're like "what you get anxious when you see This Thing? that's so stupid!" and man, we don't like it either. but we can't control it. This is just what happened and now I need to work on healing going forward.

On my Somewhat Okay Days, I don't avoid my triggers. I don't actively search for them either, I don't try to force myself to look at them or anything, but I need to train my brain to look at these things and realize that I'm still safe. I'm not in a situation where she's abusing me anymore, she can't contact me ANYWHERE, I'm pretty sure that anyone who could possibly try to send me messages on her behalf is blocked, because I've blocked anyone who is close with her too, at least the people I'm aware of. And I've gotten over 100 messages to my inbox and my dms, and everyone has been super kind and supportive so far. She can't hurt me anymore. I'm trying to tell my brain that it doesn't need to give me warning signs anymore. I'm rewiring my brain to remember how incredibly loved and comforted I felt with the very same characters that she ruined.

This is also why I said in a separate post, and I may have to edit this into my pinned since I get asked this so often now: none of you have to trigger tag anything for me! None of you need to treat me any different, you don't have to step on eggshells or be scared of mentioning transformers. None of you need to worry about having certain colors in your icons or character names in your URLs. I am in a position where I am able to ground myself if I see a minor trigger. I am mostly in control of what I see on my dashboard, if I see something I cannot handle at all, I'll unfollow someone or block the post. I've only blacklisted a few major triggers that I know will take me time to heal from, like, REAL bad triggers that have sent me to the hospital more than once. Those I will avoid for sure. But everything else? I'm working on it, I'm healing from it, I think a year from now I won't even be having 80% of these triggers at all.

If I tell myself "okay I am NEVER AGAIN looking at ANY of these things!!" then I'm gonna just make my PTSD so much worse. I know what I can and can't handle on certain days. I can't train my mind to believe that these things are genuinely dangerous. Of course, it took me months to get to this point where I'm able to decide "okay here is what I can and cannot look at". When the PTSD was starting up, uh yeah I definitely needed to avoid these things 24/7 no matter what. But right now I'm in a much better position to be making decisions based on if I'm having a Really Fucking Bad Day or a Somewhat Okay Day. And someday soon I hope I begin to have Genuinely Good Days!!

I love Starscream. That is never going to change. I've never stopped loving Starscream. I've been hurt, I've been numb, I've been conditioned to believe he will betray me -- but I know, I know his love for me is still deep inside of me somewhere. I want to feel it again, I will do anything to get that back. My therapist has told me that my anxiety and fear and my anger from the betrayals is crowding my brain, it can't make room for the things that bring me joy yet. I have to work on healing first. I will never blacklist Starscream. Even if I am sad when I see him, sometimes I cry if I see him on my dashboard because I miss him so much, I know I'll get him back one day. I have to! I've never felt such a strong connection with any F/O before. I know Starscream is my soulmate (in self shipping terms lmao I know he's fictional, before any non-self shippers who have just followed me start to question my sanity), I know we were made for each other, and some piece of shit on the internet who tried to find out where I live and where I work, someone who repeatedly threatened to do drastic things unless if I answered to her demands for attention, is not going to take him away from me. Same with Bee, with Megatron, with Soundwave, with all of the other bots I love. I am willing to put in the work to get better. It's not going to be easy, but I know I have so many people who have my back now. I don't feel as alone anymore as I did months ago when I was so isolated.

Now that I have permanently distanced myself from my abuser, I can properly work on healing. These triggers have been so bad because I was stuck in this abusive situation for so long, when I was already in such a vulnerable state of mind. Cutting myself off from the source of these triggers was a very big step to take, and I wasn't strong enough to take that step until a month ago. These triggers are definitely not as horrible as they were when they first started back in January. Like I said, I still have my bad days where they are horrible, just unbearable. But today, right now? I'm in my pink room, I have a polaroid picture of Hailee Steinfeld wearing a crop top and shorts, I have my autographed print of Starscream sitting on my desk, and I can handle it. If I get even the least bit shaky, I'll use my tools I've learned in therapy for so many years, I'll do my grounding techniques. Right now, I can look at my Starscream commission with a pink background on it, and think to myself, hey, that's such a cute drawing and Starscream looks very handsome in it. One day, I hope I can believe again that he does love me so unconditionally.

I hope this made sense, sorry it's so long! Truthfully I don't even really 100% know how to answer your question, because I have also wondered to myself "uh how come I'm okay on some days but not okay on other days?" tbh brains are weird and I'm not an expert on how shit works, this is the best I can do.

i think it’s a little interesting that you seem very anti-porn in your pinned post, yet basically half the art you reblog is of half-naked girls.

I want you to know that I actually take this comment very seriously. I actually waited to answer this until I could take a look through my blog archive. Lapses in judgement are... not unheard of, but I try to pay close attention to what I consider acceptable and allow into my life. And like you implied, it's definitely not a good look if I say I'm against porn, but I'm constantly reblogging ecchi pictures.

But all that said, after looking back over several months of reblogs, I'm not sure what you've been seeing. I do reblog a lot of anime, but the vast majority (imho) are reasonably clothed. And for as horny as the anime scene on tumblr can be, I genuinely try to avoid titillating content. (My archive is right here if you want to see for yourself: all-hail-trudos.tumblr.com/archive)

While I'm here, I also want to get into the weeds a bit on this subject. We all know what explicit sexual content looks like, and that has no place on my blog or in my life. (Explanations of why I think porn is wrong can be found elsewhere). But I also think nudity can sometimes be purely artistic. (Something more conservative individuals might take exception to) And once we get into the realm of "soft" porn... There's a lot of subjective territory here.

I draw the line at suggestive/horny poses and fan art that unreasonably exaggerates a character's original proportions. (Some characters, like Pyra and Mythra from Xenoblade 2 or Tifa from FF7 are already curvy on their own. And ironically a lot of fan art downplays Pyra's boobs.) I reblog swimsuit art occasionally, and maybe I'm just desensitized, but I don't personally have a problem with it.

I've had plenty of conversations growing up and into my adult years about modesty, what qualifies as "revealing" clothing, and how much skin is too much skin. (Growing up conservative Christian does that to you). And at this point, it's my belief that our attitudes about clothing and women's bodies are more of a problem than the clothes themselves. But I digress. The point I'm trying to make is that when it comes to fan art, I'm mostly concerned about the poses and framing being suggestive, and to a lesser degree what the artist's intentions are. The clothes they're wearing, not so much (as long as they're actually wearing them, and it's not something like a bikini that's only held up by a character's hands. If that sounds suspiciously specific, that's because it's a composition trope I've seen too many times).

Anyways, tl;dr I appreciate you reaching out and asking questions. But tbh I'm not sure what you've been seeing, other than the recent reblog spam of of Fire Emblem art that did include a few swimsuit pictures. (Which I personally don't regard as inherently problematic). Thank you for getting in touch, though. Transparency is how I stay on the straight and narrow.

I've been playing around on Bluesky for a couple weeks now and I have opinions; but other than "ooh shiny" drawing me to use it, I don't really think I'm going to stay posting there forever. It's like Twitter, which means its like Twitter, and I don't really want to have a habit of "instant media consumption", which is why I deleted TikTok and why I avoid Instagram. I don't want to be that addicted to the instant dopamine hit of each new post.

At least here, I have to look, ingest something, make a decision, and then either leave it alone or record it for later. Like, at the end of the day, I'll without fail find content on Tumblr that turns out to be a resource that I can apply to future goals and projects; which I can do along side getting to be mass-social in a semi-safe way, and getting to be creative in a semi-safe way.

What I noticed about being on Bluesky was that I felt like everything I was doing was "begging for attention". Which, is kind of what all social media is about; but the reason I post on Tumblr is very different than posting on Twitter/Bluesky. Here, I share a story because I expect that someone, somewhere will see it eventually. Sometimes that happens, and I post something that helps or at least interests someone that day. Sometimes that happens, and I post something that goes unseen for weeks or months, but at some point someone sees it and vibes and maybe it matters a little. And sometimes it doesn't go anywhere at all; but it still has the potential to be seen and to help someone. There's at least a chance that anything I post might matter to someone down the line; so I post and I try to be authentic about it so that my experiences can help other people with their experiences. On Tumblr, posts aren't instantly disposable - they don't cease to matter after they cross your eyes, because there's still a chance you'll see it on my blog, or deep enough in the tag, or reblogged from someone else.

But on a "media flood" sight like Bluesky and Twitter, I know everything I post dies within a few hours, if it didn't die as soon as I hit send. Sure, some TikToks get passed around, but how many do, out of the billions out there? Each Twitter and Bluesky update is like a text message into the aether, once its conveyed its very time-sensitive meaning, it no longer has value. And unfortunately that leads more complex communications, like art that is posted out there, to be treated as a consumable too. That format of social media means, I have to try and get attention, or I simply do not exist.

And that's not comfortable. I don't like having to think about my life from the perspective of "what little tidbit in each moment of my day could I make public online to make someone like me". It's not the way I was raised, and if you are essentially vying for "survival" (read as "existance" or "humanity", in this case) you never relax or find a status quo. The recreational media fails to to be recreation.

I know I make studyblr posts that are effectively "this is what I did today", but those are different in my eyes. That's a matter of "this is what I find important in life, here's what I'm proud of" and include some "pretty" picture to go along with it; and I don't really.... need the validation of having it reblogged or interacted with, to feel like I am intrinsically a human in a human space. It does feel nice to have people like something I posted, but I don't live like I need it seen in order to feel valid in having a blog. But almost instantly on Bluesky, I found myself sharing inane little things I wouldn't bother sharing here, and making comments I wouldn't assume anyone wanted on their posts here, and generally doing things that were more meant to show that I was there and alive and human, than they were meant to actually interact and make some positive effect or creation within that community. Which is not my reason for using a social media.

So once all the people on my list who want to see Bluesky for themselves have their invite code, I'll probably stop using it; the same way I don't use Twitter often, and the same way I don't use Instagram often. Of all the hellsites, Tumblr is mine. And my internet presence will probably die when it does.

Hello Friends! I'm avoiding doing actual work that I'm getting paid for, so I thought I'd document some of my history on Tumblr:

My first Tumblr post was on August 24, 2009. I was a LiveJournal guy, but my gf at the time (Kristi Hart) used Tumblr. I joined because of her.

My first posts for the first couple of years were actually syndicated from LiveJournal. I didn't reblog anything or post any content original to Tumblr. Then in 2011 I started syndicating pictures to Tumblr using a site I'm surprised still exists today called Moby! I just looked, all of the pictures are still there! Here's one of my kids from 2011 at the Salton Sea.

A year later, in June of 2012 I decided my Tumblr needed a focus. I had a pretty large collection of behind-the-scene images from movies, so that became all I posted.

Some random examples: Behind the scenes of Alfred Hitchcock's Rear Window, The Dark Crystal, Phantasm II, Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Neverending Story

That continued on for several months, I probably posted 100+ of them.

In July of 2012 I created my @frankenbuddha account, since @dasenergi was solely "Behind The Scenes" movie posts, I needed someplace to post all my nerdy, lgbt, Buddhist, spiritual stuff.

By the end of 2012, I had given up on the "Behind The Scenes" posts on DasEnergi. They weren't getting any likes.

I abandoned FrankenBuddha and resumed posting all my nerdy, lgbt, Buddhist, and spiritual stuff on DasEnergi.

Two years later, my youngest child joined Tumblr in 2014. They were 13 years old. They came to Tumblr for all the cat posts! So I then used Frankenbuddha to collect all the cat and animal posts I could find, and share it with them. FrankenBuddha is STILL cute animal and humor posts now.

On DasEnergi, I started making a lot of my own memes and then added a bunch of tags to them, trying to attract followers. Here is one that was 100% true "I am desperate to just really connect with one other person." I was so depressed and felt so alone at the time. Here's another, "I have a crush on everybody who is nice to me."

I also posted a lot of selfies, trying to make that human connection with others. Here I am trying to look tough.

I also posted more about my life and my feelings back then. There's this one: "I’m considering shaving the beard. Maybe I’ll find someone who’ll love me if I’m clean-cut." I felt so broken. So unlovable.

Here's a creepy one from a year later, November 2013 - "Why yes, I did just go through the GPOY tag and liked a bunch of strangers pictures. I couldn’t help myself. They’re cute!"

As my tags strategy wasn't working, I was Liking people's posts trying to make connections and build my followers.

For those who may be too young to remember, GPOY is an acronym for Gratuitous Picture of Yourself. I don't think it's used anymore, is it?

Looking back on my archive, I had also realized in 2012-2013 that the only way to get followers on Tumblr was to reblog others work. So I started doing that a lot more.

I've always collected quotes. In high school I would spend my lunch break in the school library reading quotes from Bartlett's Book of Familiar Quotations. In 2013, I see I started posting a lot more text posts of quotes from my archive. I remember Tumblr even had an automated template I'd use for quotes.

Wow, yeah, as I'm scrolling through the archive they're mostly text posts, of quotes.

In 2014 I see I started posting A LOT more, and it seems to be 50/50 memes and text quotes. I also see fewer posts about my life and fewer pictures of myself. My mental health was much better. I wasn't seeking validation from Tumblr. This was the year I had my Awakening experience and fully embraced the magical and the spiritual. This was also the year I started dating Geronimo, my first boyfriend.

Right now I'm scanning through April 2014 and it looks nearly identical to what I'm posting now. Yep! The blog as you all know it now has been around for nearly ten years.

8,882 Posts 1,062 Followers 1,060 Following

I currently have 302 posts in my queue. I only queue five posts a day between 7pm and 10pm (Pacific time).

@male1971 has been around since September 2016 for all my nerdy posts, most from my childhood. (I identify as a male and I was born in 1971.)

@bi-buddha has been around since February 2019 for my LGBT posts.

@moovees and @melodiousmonk are both new, created last year for my music and movies posts.

And that's about it for my main side blogs. If you actually read this whole thing, THANK YOU for your interest in my Tumblr history.

I had some cringeworthy moments there, mostly healing from my 15 year relationship with my ex-wife and my five year relationship with Kristi Hart. But I'd like to think I made it out of those dark times a better, wiser, person. (Or I'm in deep denial about how depressed and messed up I still am.)

Okay, back to work...

Mr Hollywood

summary: Sim Jaeyun had made it, he had finally fulfilled his dream of being an artist but he had to leave the place he called he called home promising he would come back when everything was okay. He’s back now but are you sure it’s the same Jake you once knew?

genre: fluff, minor angst, childhood lovers turned exes to lovers again

pairing: Celebrity Sim Jaeyun x non-celebrity reader (with enhypen and treasure appearances)

warning: none

word count: 4.1k

a/n: although it has been proofread, I cannot guarantee no errors so please let me know if you see any! please let me know what you think. likes and reblogs are appreciated and I hope you have a good day.

listen to the playlist here

send an ask or fill out this form to be part of the taglist!

taglist (open): @enhyphun @jungwoniics @penny-quinn @ncthpen @fylithia @taecup-ontrack @renee1414@studioreader

“And the Artist Of The Year Award goes to none other than...” the announcer said, keeping you all at the edge of your seats. Everyone here had voted for Jake so many times so that he would win. The announcer looked at the folded card in his hand before smiling and saying.

“Jake Sim!” The screams of everyone in the beer parlour with you watching the award ceremony were probably louder than those in the venue itself. You all watched in pride as the look of shock was evident on his face and he shakily walked to the podium to collect the award. You smiled at how good he looked, he had come so far from the boy you once knew here.

Five years ago, Jake had left his hometown, where he grew up for 18 years to pursue his dream. Granted, not everyone is supposed to stay for the rest of their lives but he thought he was going to stay but he made up his mind to leave for his passion. You all supported him even if you weren’t able to talk to him because of his busy schedule. Being able to cheer him from the sidelines was what you were content with. He was the pride of the town and people did not hesitate to show him off.

He gave the announcer a bow and collected the award. You could see the way his hands shook as he collected the award as if it felt unreal that he won.

“I would like to thank God for the ability to get to this point today and to thank my parents for always teaching me the right way and having the courage to let their child pursue his dreams even if it meant that I would be very far away; almost out of reach even. I love you. To all those that have continuously supported me and listened to my music, thank you. To the staff that have worked so hard and everyone I've had the pleasure of meeting, a big thank you to you" he said and walked off.

The excitement of the crowd reduced and everyone eventually retired to their homes while chatting amongst themselves. You think about the award one more time, feeling happy for him and move on. After all, the same way Sim has a life to live is the same way you do also.

The next day, when you wake up you feel a shift in the atmosphere. The birds are still chirping, yes but something feels unusual. You brush off the paranoia you feel and decide to do your usual morning duties and carry on with your day. While other people your age wanted to have prestigious jobs(not like there was anything wrong with that), you wanted something simple and had decided on being either a cafe owner or a florist.

Sadly, the cafe owner agenda wasn't able to work out because everyone in the vicinity was now aware of the way you burned down a cafe trying to bake and collectively decided that you should not be allowed to make food for people. Flowers were better than running a cafe shop. You stayed with your flowers and you were able to give

someone a flower when they needed it.

Need a flower for your mother? You got it, a daylily was exactly what they needed. Wanted to attend a funeral? Take a bouquet of lilies. It was easy to understand and you didn't directly put anyone in harm’s way. Although your shop was hardly ever full, you were content with everything.

That's why you're shocked when you find a line of people waiting to be let into your shop at 9 am. You raised an eyebrow in confusion but you opened the door nevertheless. At the end of the day, you were the one earning the money. You had things to buy, didn't you?

You take your place at the counter and start attending to the customers. They didn't tell you to pick out one for them and just chose it themselves. The crowd slowly reduced till there was only one person left. When there remained a few people, you quietly moved to one person to ask for the reason why they were so cheerful today.

"Jungwon, do you know why everyone is so happy today? My shop was full today!"

"Are you complaining about it?" He asks. Jungwon was the son of the cafe shop owner. He came to your shop frequently when he was on his break and you would talk to each other.

“Of course, I’m not. I just want to know what’s making everyone come here all of a sudden. Even old man Jay came here and you know that man never leaves his house. He bought a red carnation and I’m confused because who does he have affection for that he’s getting them flowers”

“He has a wife you know”

“Please, the last time they had a conversation with each other was when he asked for a divorce” you deadpanned.

“Look Y/N, who’s the one person in this town anyone would do anything for?”

“Kim Junkyu?”

“Close but not him, I wouldn’t do anything for him” Jungwon stated making you roll your eyes.

“The only person left is Sim Jaeyun and we know it’s not possible”

“Ding Ding Ding! We have a winner”

You give him a shaky smile before asking him, “You’re joking right?”

“I’m not,” he says sincerely. You nod your head and go sit on the nearest stool. Placing a hand on your throat as you begin to scratch at it (something you did when you were nervous) and just sit in silence while Jungwon continues talking.

“After the award ceremony, his management released a statement on his Instagram saying that he would be going on hiatus for two months to visit his family. So we townsmen decided to get flowers to pave the road with because he would be coming back. We would have used gold leaves but it’s too expensive”

He continued talking and talking while you were still trying to process the fact that Jake would be coming back. Physically he was still going to be the same Jake you had a crush on before he left but personality-wise? You doubted that. You heard stories of the way fame had changed people; the love from others would get to their heads and make them overly egotistical. A part of you knew that he wouldn’t change but the other part was unsure. Before he left, you made him promise to not change and while you knew promises could be broken, you knew he wouldn’t break them.

“Jungwon, I want to close the shop for today. I’m not feeling too well and want to rest a bit”

“No problem Y/N! If you want, I can stay here and do business for you”

“Don’t worry about it, I’ve made enough money today to last me for next month” you say and shoo him away.

At home, you just sit and think for some time before getting up to make some tea and reminiscing about your high school memories. You hardly had feelings for people so when you did, you let them know immediately. When you told Jake that you liked him, he told you that he felt the same. You ignored him for a week after that because you didn’t think that far. After that, you met up with him and explained the reason why you avoided him. You went out with each other for less than 2 weeks and during that period, he had told you about his dreams of becoming an artist and you supported him wholeheartedly.

He would carry your books from school and you both would walk home together every day. He'd play the violin for you because he was good. You'd both pet stray cats and run when they started chasing you. All good things came to an end when he told you that he had to leave to pursue his dream. You both knew you were too young to even attempt a long-distance relationship so you let each other go even though it hurt. You’d watch his music videos and support his activities even though there was a possibility he would never return. Now that he was going to be here, how were you going to cope knowing that your feelings for him were still the same while his feelings could have gone, especially with all the beautiful people in the industry?

That night, while everyone was outside welcoming Mr Hollywood, you stayed in your house dreading the days that would come. The town was small so there was no way that you wouldn’t bump into him. The voices were loud when you tried to sleep. Seems like everyone was ecstatic that Jake had come back. The noise wasn’t able to let you sleep but deep down you knew it was because you were nervous.

You decide to bake cookies to reduce the stress you are currently feeling. You had learnt from your mistakes and no longer burnt kitchens (your kitchen being valid proof of that), but Jungwon’s dad still wouldn’t lift his ban. You baked cookies till 2 am before you were really tired enough to sleep. You had baked almost a hundred cookies that night.

The next morning, you made sure to wake up early so you wouldn’t run into anyone. Thankfully, the townspeople didn’t want to buy flowers that morning and got started on the orders that people out of town had placed. You brought cookies for Jungwon so he could test them. You were trying to fix the counter when someone walked in, making the bell jingle. Assuming it was Jungwon, you say, “Jungwon the cookies are on the counter. Test them and tell me what you think, don’t eat them and run away”

“I’m not a Jungwon but can I talk to Y/N?” You’re startled but you freeze, instantly recognizing the voice. Jake Sim.

“Hello, what would you like?” you asked with a forced smile. You were way too close, the proximity was making you uneasy. He looked a bit disappointed with the way you answered him but what did he expect to come to? It had been five years.

“I just wanted to tal-” he is cut off by Jungwon bursting through the door.

“Y/N, you will not believe who I saw. I saw Jake Sim with my very own two eyes. He looks so much hotter in real life. Do you think he’d sign my back if I asked-” he stopped instantly when he saw the person that was in the flower shop.

He looked like a fish out of water with the way his mouth was agape. Looking at you, then at Jake and then you again. He brought his hand to his head and he hit it hard making you startled.

“Sorry I will leave now,” Jungwon said.

“To cry” he murmured, making you chuckle. Jungwon was someone that cried when he did something embarrassing.

“Jungwon wait,” you say and walk to give him the cookies you had packed for him with a little note.

“Eat them and get back to me when you’re less you know...embarrassed” He snatches them from your hands and makes a run for the door. You giggle then you remember that Jake was still present. Turning to face him, you ask if he wants anything. “I want to talk to you”

You motion him to sit on the spare chair you had and he obliges. Before you even ask him a question, he begins, “Was that your boyfriend?”

“No, not that it concerns you though”

“Where you last night? I saw everyone but you. The Johnny kid said you were feeling ill. I doubt that wasn’t true as you made cookies. The last time I remembered, you were really bad at anything relating to the kitchen”

“Times change and people change, Jaeyun. It’s been 5 years since we last had a conversation with each other. I’m not the same and I’m sure you’re not the same either”

“Let’s get to know each other again. Do things the old fashioned way. Go on dates, paint, and bake with each other. Do some of the things we could have done 5 years ago.”

“And then when you have to leave and have no contact with each other again”

“I won’t do that, I promise. Never again.”

“How can you be so sure of that?”

“Let me prove it to you-”

He’s cut off by the entrance of another customer and stands up to leave but you don’t miss the longing look in his eyes. You hope he can see the same look in yours that’s covered by hurt and waiting for someone to return.

You were not expecting Jake to be at your store first thing on a Friday morning. He was even earlier than you and you're the boss.

“What are you doing here?” you ask. He was bouncing on his feet and looking cherry when you hadn’t even gotten enough sleep.

“I’m here to take you out. Do it like the old times where I’d wait for you so we could go to school together”

“I have work to do today and I’m going to be booked so another time”

“I have come to offer my assistance so tomorrow we can go out together”

“Don’t you have things to do?”

“I’m on a hiatus, I’m free for almost two months and if you want I can be free for more. Imagine all the things we could do in that time” he trails off, fantasizing when you hadn’t even told him that you still liked him. Meanwhile, you had opened the door and walked in.

"Aren't you going to come in and stop thinking of cute stuff?" you ask him and he quickly runs in, flustered.

He takes a look around and puts on a determined face and gets a broom and starts cleaning. For someone that's supposed to be a celebrity, he was cleaning like an employee. You take a rag and wipe all the surfaces and take care of the flowers. After an hour, the shop is ready to open. Customers come rolling in once they see a new help. Although they're surprised, they don't question it.

During your break, Jake picks up a chrysanthemum and hands it to you. "It's for you because you're beautiful," he says

"Hate to rain on your parade but if you gave me this in Italy, it means you wish I were dead" and with that, he takes back the flower instantly and brings a single red rose. You receive it with a small laugh, finding it funny when he doesn't want you misinterpreting him. You were having a sweet moment with him until Jungwon came in again.

"I'm getting tired of seeing you here Mr Sim. As much as I adore you, I need to meet my friend" he states and pulls you to the back. "Care to explain why Jake Sim is in your store again!?"

"Nope" you respond, popping the p. He brought his hand to his forehead and tried to relax his muscles because according to him, he doesn't want to look forty-five when he's thirty years old.

"Look, it's weird coming here and seeing you have company. I'm not against you having company seeing as you've been lonely the entire time I've known you but, I can't stay in his presence! Why must a man Look so gorgeous!? He's ruining my already broken esteem. Everybody saw him in real life and was wondering how a man could look that good."

"They saw him when he was seventeen years old," you tell him.

"And he's twenty-three now! He doesn't look the same and I don't even need to have known him then to know now"

"Jungwon, I want you to get to the point," you tell him, basically pleading at that point because your break would soon be over.

"I'll see you when I have enough confidence to meet him," he says and leaves the store. You shake your head at his overdramatic behaviour and continue with your day. Jake proves to be amazing assistance and you got things done quicker and even closed earlier.

"Thank you for offering help, you can go home now. See you tomorrow" you say in an attempt to shoo him out.

"I want to walk you home" he announces and goes with you home.

"Do you hate me for not talking to you?" he asks.

"I don't hate you. To be honest, I think we both did the right thing by not talking to each other. It was good we had each other in mind but I would have caused too much of a distraction for you. It was great you focused on your career and achieved your goals. I did well too"

"Johnny boy said you were lonely though," he said.

"Number one, I know you know his name is Jungwon but you're just being petty. Two, why were you eavesdropping on our conversation and three, I still had a bit of hope that one day you'd return. I didn't think that you'd come" you say truthfully. The night was making you vulnerable when answering his questions.

"I always asked my mum how you were doing when I called her, you know? I wanted to check up on you without doing so myself. I'd ask her to give you a pop tart because I knew they were your favourite"

Even though he was still far away, he still had kept you in his mind the same way you did for him.

You got home and stayed at the door before you took him by the shoulder and said, "Let's go out together and have fun". He gives you a soft smile and watches you go in before he retires to his own home.

The following day, you're waiting for him to come. You had tried to dress up for the date but didn't want to underdress or overdress since he hadn't told you where you were going. So you decided to wear a simple sundress and made yourself look nice. He arrived wearing something as casual as you in a car.

"Is this your dad's?" you questioned.

"Yup, I borrowed it to take you out,” he says and winks at you. You shake your head laughing and get in the passenger seat and he drives.

“Where are we going?” you ask, curious.

“You’ll see when we get there” you don’t respond but wind down the window and feel the wind on your face which makes you smile.

You catch Jake glancing at you while he’s driving and he doesn’t even try to hide it. “At least try to pretend you’re not starting”

“I can’t help it, you’re so pretty” This kid, he was making it too easy for you to fall for him.

“Do you still like me, Jaeyun?” you inquire.

“I do,” he said with certainty. Has he always been this bold? You don’t say anything and continue to look out so he reaches over and takes one of your hands in his while he uses his other one to drive. You look at him but just continue doing what you’re doing.

“You might not believe me but I mean it,” he says, lightly squeezing your hand as a form of reassurance.

He stops the car at an aquarium and you both come out. You have a wonderful time and although people recognize him and are surprised to see him with you, they don't say anything and leave you alone. You smiled that day more than you had ever smiled before.

"The fishes look good to eat" you whisper in his ear and he playfully smacks your arm and jokes.

"You monster! How can you say that!?" to which you jokingly shrug.

After the aquarium, he takes you to a flower field. "I did my research this time so I don't give you a wrong flower." He picked up a primrose and says, "I know this one means love is eternal so I'm giving it to you because no matter the distance between us, our love will be forever"

You feel warm this time and know that even if he were to leave again, the distance wouldn't matter because together, you both could overcome anything.

"You're all I need" you manage to say.

"When did you get all sentimental?" he teases and you chase after him in the flower field. When you get tired, you lie down on the grass and he lays next to you. Your hands find his hands amid all the grass and you squeeze it. Unknowingly, you fall asleep next to him.

The next weeks that follow include you two bonding and Jake having fun and being relaxed. He was able to write a song but wouldn't let you see the lyrics, saying it wasn't something he wants you to see yet. You met his parents and thanked his mum for taking care of you indirectly and conversed with his dad too. You could tell that he hadn't forgotten any of the values his parents had thought him. He grew up surrounded by a lot of love so he had more than enough to give.

He also met your parents and he was nervous even though you had tried to reassure him that they wouldn't do anything to him. Your father tried to act scary but deep down you knew he had a soft spot for him. Your mom was showering with more affection than she gave you and Jungwon tried stylishly asking him for his celebrity crush numbers.

"Jake, since you're dating my friend can you link me up with Han Sohee? You've worked with her before, help a friend out"

"I'll ask her but no promises" Jungwon was so happy the entire day.

A few days before Jake had to go back because his hiatus was over, you both were talking about how things would be while baking muffins.

"Y/N don't think I won’t talk to you when I go because I can already see the gears turning in your head."

"Pass me the butter Jaeyun"

"Are we back to the first-name basis? Call me the sweet names" he whined.

"Just pass the butter babe" and he passes it instantly.

"Now back to what you were saying, I know you won't forget me obviously and if you try I I can always take a flight to get to you." You tell him. You weren't going to wait around for him anymore. If you missed him, you'd go see him if he was unable to come to see you.

"Better, I was already worried," he says and gives you a back hug.

The day he left was bittersweet and you shed a few tears. It took a lot of willpower to not cry in front of him. You didn't want him to leave but you knew that he had a job to get to and you couldn't be in the way of that.

You both regularly kept in touch, calling each other at least twice a week to catch up on what had happened during each other's week. He hadn't told you that he released a new song and you found out through his fanboy Jungwon who was now the self-acclaimed president of his fan club.

"Y/N, have you heard Jake's new solo? I cried to it for an hour straight" You didn't have any time to check what was going on because someone had ordered flowers for their wedding and you had to get them done quickly.

"New solo?" you ask and Jungwon sits you down and plays the song for you. Truth be told, you cried as well. It felt like he was there with you telling you that he'd never change.

You watched the interview and when he was asked about the meaning or person behind the song, he said, "There's someone that I love and I wanted to let her know that no matter how famous I get, I won't ever change and she shouldn't change either". He looked directly at the camera then continued, "You're stuck with me forever".

That night, you called him and cried on the phone to him telling him about how you saw the interview.

"Y/N, you know I care about you" you sobbed even harder.

"I care about you too, forever"

"Forever baby, regardless of the distance"

Hey! I recently found your blog and you seem very nice. I've had a very tough time with the pandemic situation and I was wondering how are you and your girlfriend doing? (Idk if you live together). Do you have any advice for anxiety?

Hi! Thank you 🙈❤️ We're doing okay! We don't live together, but we do live in the same town, so we hang out together most of the time hahah. I haven't seen her in a few days because she's out of town rn, but skyping with her yesterday made me smile like a fool. And we're going to cook some homemade meals tomorrow when she's back :3 can't wait for that!

The pandemic hit both of our mental health very hard too, though. 2020 in general is doing a number on my anxiety. I’m going to share some tips and thoughts that have been on my mind and that have helped me lately, but first I wanted to link you to this post that @april-thelightfury115 wrote just now, also inspired by your ask. 

One of the things that my therapist told me when the pandemic started, and that helped with my anxiety, was to try to focus on the things you can control, and not on the things you can't. Maybe you can't see some of your loved ones right now because it's not safe, or you can't go to the gym to work on being more physically active like you were trying to do before the pandemic started. Maybe the things you do yearly can't happen this year, so life feels like an uncertain void floating ahead of you. Uncertainty is a biiig enemy of anxiety, so it helps to try to focus on: what are things you could be doing right now? What are the plans you can make for next week, or even next month, to give that void a bit of shape and colour? Maybe you can read some books/fics in your to-read list, watch some shows, look for some ways to exercise at home, learn new recipes, make plans to Skype with some people once every week...

And even though my therapist and I didn't talk about this topic in relation to social media, I did want to bring it up here too, because social media (in general, but especially right now) can be a draining, dangerous place if you have anxiety.

(Warning: this next bit doesn’t have that much to do with your ask 😅 but it’s something that’s been affecting me lately, so I felt the need to talk about it)

I already shared some advice that worked for me regarding all the ways you can control your fandom/social media experience so that you can avoid things that affect your mental health negatively, but I wanted to touch on another aspect of social media: what to do with the content you DO see. Because, if we're realistic, no matter how much you do to turn your online experience into a safe space for yourself, chances are you're going to see untagged posts about current events sooner or later, or that you’re going to click through properly tagged ones and find triggering information. And if there's something that we as individuals have little to no control over, it's current events.

So, here are some things that I always try to keep in mind for when this happens: 

1) Guilt-tripping is not activism.

If a post says that you have to reblog it or you're a bad person; if it says you should have known about the issues it's discussing already; if it makes you feel guilty for not being able to engage with its sort of content at all times or for wanting to avoid it; if it implies in any way that you putting your mental health above anything else is an act of selfishness/violence/privilege; if it is telling you that in order to help others who are less privileged than you, you have to stop helping yourself: that is guilt-tripping. Whether intentionally or not, it is trying to make you care about their issue out of guilt. It is exactly the same as when you're walking down the street and someone from an NGO approaches you and tries to make you donate money to them by describing to you how other people are suffering and dying because you, personally, are not sparing 10€ a month for them.

And you now have a free pass to roll your eyes at that post, say "yeah, sure", and move on.

2) No fight is more important than every other fight. 

This quote comes directly from my therapist, so jot that down. If you want to make the world a better place by engaging with activism, that's great! But there's only so much we as individuals can do, and activism is something that we should always do on our own terms. So if someone else comes to you with "if you don't care about MY fight as much as I do, you're a part of the problem I'm trying to fix!" you should kindly remind them, or at least yourself for your own peace of mind, that THEY also aren't fighting every single fight at once. They might be super invested in a few issues because they hit them very close, like saving some animal species or fighting against a political party in their country, but I assure you they are not as invested in every single fight happening in the world right now. That doesn't mean those other fights are less important! It just means that no one should be turning their fights into a sign of moral superiority on their part. That's not how you convince others to join you. In fact, that's a very quick way of making people want to avoid you so they're not feeling like they're personally guilty of the world going to shit for 3 seconds.

I feel like what a lot of people without anxiety don’t know is that anxiety can make you feel like any blame that’s thrown around the place without a specific target is directed specifically at you. At least mine does: it often feels like all of those posts about how “people” are indirectly harming others by not fighting the system 24/7 are talking about me, specifically. It feels like if I dare log off, or if I dare have my own problems to deal with, I am guilty of something terrible.

But if that’s the case for you (or anyone reading this) too, I promise the world is not going to shit because you're not reblogging Tumblr posts about current events. It's not going to shit because you're not going vegan right now. It's not going to shit because you're taking care of yourself and doing things at your own pace. And you're not “just as bad” as the people in power who are keeping in place the systems that are hurting the planet and everyone else who lives in it. 

It's okay if the only person you can look after is yourself.

I'm going through my notifications to see if there's anything I missed since the app is being glitchy for me again, and I noticed that an MCU blog liked one of my posts. Okay, that's alright. But, it wasn't one of my general shitposts I make. Rather, it was in response of that mini divination session I had several hours ago with Thor after finally deciding to give that "deity and I" spread a shot, which I'll link below.

I've been sitting on this for a bit, and I'm still not sure how I feel about it. Not the session results or anything, okay, maybe a little bit, but the notification itself. This isn't me ragging on the blogger or anything, don't get me wrong. I just feel a little...weird about it.

I've tackled this topic before in a general sense when it comes to paganism and how pop culture can bleed into it, and I recall seeing some Hellenic Pagans say this has been the case for them because of the popularity of the Percy Jackson series. It can be difficult to find things relating to your gods or the pantheon(s) you work with in general, so having this added to the mix as well is a recipe for disaster and frustration. I'm not sure how other pagans go about it, unless every group seems to have that problem; be it an issue with pop culture related fandoms, problems with academia, or there's little surviving records left for us to go off of - be it poor archiving or erased via colonialism and conversion by Christianity.

I know for me as of late, it's been challenging to want to do something special to spotlight certain gods when the only results I get on here are for video games, anime, Marvel, or Nazi black metal bands. It's absolutely disheartening and repulsive (with the white supremacist trash) to look for either music that draws inspiration from the legends and stories of the gods, and I get directed to Nazism that uses the names of the gods and their halls to perpetuate a hateful agenda. For example, if you've been following me for a while, you might remember a post I made where I didn't take kindly to finding out who Bilskirnir was. When you scrub past that, it's just sad how quiet it is to find other devotees or pagans to kick it with.

The pagan tags and subs I follow are more quiet than usual and the tags specifically related to the gods are 98% of the time pop culture related. It really sucks to want to find and share wholesome, goofy shit with you guys or strike up a friendly conversation on devotional writings, our UPGs, and just casual coffee time stories about our encounters with the gods only to see fanfiction or other similar content. Yeah, I'm a broken record when it comes to this topic. I'm just burned out by it, I guess. It would be nice to have an active, separate space or tagging system where we can just do our own thing and not have to wonder if something else will come into the mix and disrupt things.

Let me just get this out of the way before I go any further:

I don't have a problem with pop culture pagans. If you have a practice that works for you that you're doing safely and you aren't being a tool, it's all gravy to me. However, I don't feel that great when it comes to pop culture assuming I'm talking about them when I bring up my practice, even if it's in a joking or sarcastic manner or can be assumed such on my part. I'm probably being a dramatic baby about the topic, but it feels like the more this happens, the more minimized we are. I remember this happened with the Thor Appreciation Cuddle Pile tag many months ago, where a Marvel blog didn't know it was a devotee tag and apologized later - but still.

I end up looking back on posts that are for devotees of a certain deity asking for people to like/reblog so they can find more blogs to interact with, and I can't help but to wonder how many of them are just Marvel fan blogs and how many are pagans who either have a connection with a figure like Frigg, Thor, Heimdall, Sif, Loki, Odin, and Hel or are working towards that. Again, it feels lonely and isolating in a way. I'm sure other communities on here have a huge pain in the ass of a time finding content, but damn, working with the Norse gods on here (or other online communities) and trying to avoid folkish pricks on top of that feels like a lot to ask for.

I think I said what I needed for now. I'm sure I'll end up making another post like this in a few months, but what can ya do I guess. I'll see you cool cats around later. Stay safe and warm tonight if you're still dealing with the winter advisories, and I'll catch you later.

I never experienced art theft until one of my works became unexpectedly popular- since then, I've found my work reposted, redrawn, and used as reference for cosplays. It's been exhausting, both seeing it, and not knowing WHERE I should stand on the issue. I've let redraws slide (with credit), but I plan on not allowing future ones from occurring. How do you deal with art theft? How do you continue drawing without thinking about the disrespect thrown at you during bad/failed confrontations?

I am so, so incredibly sorry this happened to you, and empathize very strongly with you. Art theft SUCKS, few things can be quite as demotivating as a creator than having something you’ve worked your ass off on swiped by someone else. And unfortunately, given the current internet culture, if you continue as an online artist it’s inevitable that it’ll happen at one point or another.

Because sure, of course part of the reason why we create is because we want to, but a large part of the motivation for sharing it is to hopefully get some response that people like it, whether it be in the form of likes, reblogs, comments, asks, tags, or anything else. That is the tangible PROOF that our work touched someone, and for someone who put in zero effort and has no idea how we felt while creating to receive all of that instead of us…sucks.

I think where you stand on the issue is up to you, and it’s okay for it to change. YOU always have the right to decide how you’re comfortable with people sharing your art, and your feelings are valid regardless of how they change.

Ironically enough, I just had another art theft on Instagram (my Anniversary post) super recently, so I was like HAH when I got this orz

This rant got a bit long, so the rest beneath cut but here’s a rundown about how my feelings towards art theft have evolved over the years.

For example, over the years I’ve gotten much, MUCH stricter. My earliest online art, I just put it up, no url, oftentimes no signature, no warnings in the comments or my blog bio. Admittedly I was starting out and didn’t have much viewers anyway, but the point was I still had Trust at the time.

Then the art thefts began. I started adding my url to all my illustrations, even if it was just small in the corner, as this’d let people at least find my website. Most people are too lazy to type out a url though, and I’ve seen people asking “Who drew this??” on art theft comments EVEN WHEN THE URL IS LITERALLY RIGHT THERE…

And then people started cropping my watermarks. I made my url bigger, and started adding an additional “DO NOT REPOST” to the image itself. I used to allow reposts with credits on platforms I’m not on, like fb, until I realized that people were then reposting from THOSE communities without credit and putting them into their videos and fics and I just…decided it wasn’t worth it.

I switched to no reposts PERIOD. I have lengthy disclaimers on all of my art that leads to an even lengthier FAQ post that, should people wish to look, leads to even an even more detailed post about WHY art theft sucks, as I’m explaining now.

(EDIT: ALSO, reduce the quality of the images you upload, and NEVER upload the full resolution, and try to keep you unmerged original files. This is for several reasons: no matter how much an art thief reposts your work, they’ll never have access to the higher resolution, and if they ever decide to try to print to sell for profit it’ll be shitty quality compared to anything you make with the original. ALSO, you having the maximum resolution with no watermarking with additional unmerged psd files will be proof that you are the true creator should you need to prove it, which I’ve heard is sometimes necessary to show when your art is stolen at say, an artist alley)

I also used to bother trying to talk to art reposters. I’d comment on the post, try to send messages, etc. It’s fucking exhausting, and while there are some exceptions, the VAST majority of art thiefs will feel attacked and immediately get rude and defensive. (the failed confrontations and disrespect you mentioned orz) If it’s a large community, they may even try to gang up on you. I’ve unfortunately experienced this most frequently in communities centered around other languages (mainly Spanish) because of different mainstream attitudes towards art reposting etiquette combined with a language barrier.

You will, and no doubt already have, encountered people who will argue with you, like the people I describe above. “You should be grateful for the bigger audience!” “We just want to appreciate your art, how can you be so horrible?” “We’re all fans together!” “This is fanart and doesn’t belong to you anyway!” Etc. etc. etc. It’s exhausting, it’s repetitive, it’s neverending, and you already felt awful before it even began and the stress just continues to build.

So I personally have just begun reporting people, if the service allows it. Use DMCA takedown request forms (and YES, even if it’s fanart it’s still yours if you drew it). This is stressful too because it sends your real name + info to the reposter (and wow I clearly can’t trust these people to begin with, why would I want them to have that???) but most sites (facebook, instagram, certainly tumblr, twitter) are very efficient and responsive, and in the end the relief of receiving that email that the art has been taken down is worth it. Especially with facebook, they also send a scary official warning email to the reposters which I sincerely hope will help educate them and discourage future art thefts.

I try to avoid posting public urls because yes I’m aware how mob mentality Tumblr can get, but sometimes it’s just too much. There’s no convenient form of getting my content removed (perhaps bc it’s in a compilation with a ton of other content), or for some reason my attempts to communicate have failed. In those times I have occasionally asked my followers to help, with a reminder to PLEASE always be polite and respectful, regardless of the offense. Y’all have been amazing, and this has saved me many nights of crying in the past.

I will sometimes also write lengthy posts (like this one!) to help educate. Because I do feel that art theft will continue so long as people don’t understand what it does to artists, and it’s up to the community as a whole to make that change, which also depends heavily on the consumers not just creators. A lot of art theft really isn’t intentionally meant to harm, but IS super ignorant.

But in the end, all I’ve ranted about so far is how I’ve dealt with actually removing/dealing with the shit. But the emotional pain, it builds. Sometimes, when it’s too frequent and the stolen art gets way more attention than my original that I worked my ass off on that basically flunked on my own platforms, I feel a bit of me break.

And in the end, it’s up to you what that threshold is, where posting art and feeling good about it is overwhelmed by the pain, fear, and anxiety of art theft. I’ve crossed my own threshold too many times, and once had to take an art hiatus because of it (fandom was BH6). This lead to a break in my productivity and motivation and my eventual complete departure form the fandom. I’ve seen many other artists just stop posting art entirely or moving everything to private. It’s terrible, but my feelings are with these artists, and I feel so, so sorry that they were hurt so much to the extent they had to do this.

With my current fandom and followers, I feel that regardless of how niche an audience my content tends to be geared for, I have a community that is really satisfying for me to create for, one that is responsive to me and gives me tons of feedback. This is the number one reason why i continue to feel motivated to post a ton of online content despite the risks.

The takeaway form this long meandering post: Posting online is a hobby, it’s for fun, and I don’t make any money off my public audience (unless they come to Patreon! LOL!), so I’m a firm believer that once the anxiety + misery starts outweighing anything positive you personally may get from sharing online, which for me heavily depends on my audience and their responsiveness, there’s no reason to subject yourself to that anymore and you are in no way obligated to stay. There are various methods to more efficiently get rid of art thefts without dealing with them in person which is stressful AF, and also ways of marking up your content in ways that may look less aesthetically pleasing, but will hopefully discourage art thefts, and at the very least give them very little leg to stand on should they do it anyway. How forgiving you are in art thefts also depends on you, but the more forgiving you are, the more it can get away from you. And in the end, YOU as a human are more important than any complaints about art looking less pleasing or the feelings of art thefts who don’t get to do what they want with YOUR hard work.

Sorry this was so disjointed and literally just me spewing at you, but I hope some of it was helpful ^ ^; Please let me know if I can give you any other advice, and I’m sorry again that you have to deal with this ;_;

(and to respond to your second ask, I do try to respond to most of my asks, but sometimes it takes a while (sometimes even months orz), especially if it’s one that requires a lengthy detailed answer like this one ^ ^; thank you for your patience!)

Hello! Congrats on finding me I guess??

I'm Moon or Manti n use she/her and ae/aer pronouns (equal use please) Prounous.page

This is my main blog, please do note it is my ONLY personal blog on Tumblr currently!

I am a co-owner of @askmonstersides (basically abandoned)

New to Tumblr? Click here here or here! All are safe links to helpful Tumblr posts /gen

More rambling below the read more

I'm a disabled aro/ace creator, ready for my creativity to only work during the night once every month. I've been actively using Tumblr since August 14th 2019, the internet itself longer, and haven't figured out how to escaped since. I don't talk a lot but when I do uhh as seen below I ramble :)

✨️Common tags and content✨️

Talking tag - #the moon has spoken

Art tag - #the moon has drawn

Writing tag - #the moon has writen

Favorites tag - #i will cry if I can't find this again

Reblogs - #reblog

I'm a self proclaimed artist and writer for fun, both mostly created on phone w/ no stylus, for fandoms and OCs. I use Sony Sketch for art

I'm in several fandoms and reblog quite a lot of content around them. I enjoy OC and original content, and absolutely love animals and science, so get ready because what im going to reblog is a mystery even to myself

Current main fandoms: MCYT (DSMP, QSMP, MCC, Hermitcraft, general CC!/C!s (especially EmeraldDuo and Benchtrio)) Pokemon, Wings of Fire, Ace Attorney

Non main fandoms: Gravity Falls, The Owl House, Bee and Puppycat, Sander Sides, Helluva Boss, Spiderverse, Ghibli

Please note I will reblog other fandom content, these are just the main ones :)

Anon asks are on, I can and will turn them off if they're abused inappropriately. I am open to requests drawing and writing wise, but I will not promise I will do any I feel uncomfortable or un-inspired by. Please keep asks appropriate

This blog is basically PG-13(/15?) Aka I will say fuck, talk about medical stuff, and post blood/gore as much as I want but there will be no sexually explicit content

I am TERRIBLE at talking to people and making first contact, it you wanna be my mutual please just message/send an ask I will have no clue what to say back but I will open my arms immediately and send cat pics :))

Speaking of, I have 12 cats, please ask about them I will give a billion pictures!! I have as well 4 dogs, 4 chickens, and a guinea pig

🌧Serious stuff🌧

Do NOT repost my artwork (or writing), even with credit. If you want to make any art a pfp on Discord or Tumblr please send an ask or send me a direct message. Credit is required written somewhere in such case, please avoid interacting in drama. I have the right to refuse. Systems are completely welcomed ^-^

My ask box is always an open place for you to ask for warning tags (I use "____ tw") but I can not promise I won't forget in future posts. If you see a tw tag and it isn't a tw for you, it is not for you, ignore and move on with your scrolling

Don't assume my age, I'm a litteral stranger on the internet you'll probably never talk to why are you trying to figure that out?? At most I'll say I'm a young adult, still in college

For the MCYT community: while c! relationships are welcome and I may reblog stuff, please do not send in c! romantic relationships (yes even if cannon) directly to me. While I understand cannonically c!BeeDuo is romantic I simply personally perfer them as platonic/QPP husbands! Those who ship them romantically godspeed o7 /pos

C!/Character is different than cc!/content creator. CC!/real people shippers please don't interact, I don't feel comfortable with you anywhere near my blog

If you support cc! Drm Team, 4evr, or Wil Soot please leave, i don't want to start an argument with you just block me and go on with your day. I don't mind if you still use/talk about the characters (such as DSMP or QSMP) like Tumblr jpegs in AUs/writing/etc anyways dsmp!Drm was abusive and you can't change my mind I watched Exile live

💙More locations to find me💙

Instagram - or @Moonlight_Mellohi (art/maybe photography soon?)

Ao3 - or @Moonlight_Mellohi (writing, fanfiction and original works)

Art Fight - or @Moonlight_Mellohi

I am NOT on TwitterX, Deviantart, or Tiktok and do not post on YouTube, please report any reposters! I do have Discord, mutuals feel free to message me so I can send a friend request

🎨Series I have made🎨

Second Chance (Will You Take It?) AU Masterpost (MCYT, DreamSMP) status: hiatus, unfinished

Teaming the Pieces Together AU Masterpost (Sander Sides, Pokemon (setting)) actual AU created by @/sugarglider-s status: inactive, finished other than one side story I'm not gonna go back and write

Once again, romantic c!Beeduo shippers are so poggers /gen

Credits:

Icon (art by me, not posted)

Header (art by me, posted here)

---------------------------------------------

Eret interact banner credit

C!Beeduo relationship banners credit

Tango terrified of Tumblr credit

2022 crash survivor credit

2024 Boop Badge credit

Ao3 Are You Lore? credit

Tumblr Sexy Man voter 2023 credit

Bug race participant badge credit

MCYTblr Sexy Man Voter 2023 credit

Johniel apologist banner - art by me, not posted

You know, I'm not a drama person, I don't like it, but it came up on my dash so much that I kind of had to read it. All of that nonsense could've been avoided if you didn't even take it to the public. Judging people for THEIR characters that THEY made and can do WHATEVER the hell they want with them? Oh woo ho good job, you're so popular for taking the "barrage" of it. No. all it did was prove that you're a D-bag and I've got a nice, long list of people to block now and avoid contact with.

Okay, anon. I haven’t bothered setting the record straight with most of this shit, because I know folks like you will continue to believe what you want to believe and hear what you want to hear, just like you’re doing now. But I’ll bite. You’d think all of you getting onto your soapbox about how you shouldn’t judge or attack others wouldn’t keep talking shit about a situation you know nothing about and/or are terribly misinformed about. So I’ll enlighten you with what actually happened.

A while back, the person in question got into an argument with some people on the RPC, trying to tell them that their interpretation of the lore was wrong. Rather than leaving it at that, when he effectively got shut down there, he proceeded to take a screenshot of the conversation and post it on his tumblr, complete with a rant about the people who disagreed with him, their opinions are so wrong and awful, how dare they disagree with him, etc. essentially playing the victim when he was the one to try to badger them for their opinions in the first place. He also left their names, icons, signatures, etc. in full view.I responded and told him he probably shouldn’t be trying to harass any other people about the lore considering his own character concept (thus, you would think, making my opinion on his character pretty clear). Why? Because it’s fucking true.I don’t give a shit about the lore or whether anyone follows it. Probably every single one of my own characters at least bends the lore. But at least have the self-awareness and respect for your fellow role-players to say “yeah, my character breaks the lore” or not get your jimmies rustled every time someone says “oh, yeah, his character is lore breaking.” You wanna break the lore? Cool. Own up to it. And if you do break the lore, don’t try to force everyone else into following it–especially when you can’t even admit you break lore and instead stretch the lore to try so hard to justify your entirely lore-breaking character concept. Don’t try to heckle people for presumably doing what you do but won’t admit. Granted, these people weren’t even breaking lore anyway, which makes his insistence that they were even more ridiculous.So after some excuses about how he was trying to start some intellectual discussion or something and not just drag these people despite featuring their identities and primarily just complaining about them throughout the post, he admitted he should have at least edited out their names and apologized. Great! You’d think that should be the end of it. I didn’t have anything against him at that point, but also had no desire/reason to associate with him, so I didn’t. A couple months go by. Some post comes across my dash. A girl in the community is doxxing her online ex-boyfriend in a callout post about him for unexpectedly breaking up with her because she “thinks” he was lying to her about serious issues and “believes” he was cheating on her. Because I’m a loud and opinionated person, and because that’s some heinous thing to do, I spoke out against it (via a post on my own blog without naming names, mind you, because I’m not going to hijack someone else’s post with negativity or call them out by name). The girl found it, assumed it was about herself, flipped out, and then of course I was the bad guy for saying doxxing isn’t okay. And then the person in question joins in. Not even to discuss the topic at hand, but to dredge up the old drama about how I was so mean to him and he did nothing wrong, etc. A pretty crappy 180 turn for a person who apologized and made it seem like there were no hard feelings, but whatever. Someone saw that he obviously didn’t like me, and seized the chance to try to talk shit and spread rumors because they knew he’d give them the platform. They sent him some anon about how I hate women (lmao). And of course, he published it, with no skepticism or disagreement, only more commentary about how I’m mean and awful. I went to respond, only to find myself blocked. So I went on about my life because it’s not that big of a deal, but hey. The moment you talk shit about me, especially in a venue where I can’t respond, especially facilitating some lies and BS rumors, especially after leading me to believe we’d made amends–you aren’t off limits. You don’t get spared niceness and politeness. Is that mean and petty? Probably.¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I’ve never claimed to be a nice person.Now, to the horrible, awful thing I did to make this “public.” Fast forward to yesterday. I’d kept my mouth shut and left him alone. In a section of the RPC that doesn’t get a ton of traffic, largely because you have to make an account on the website and then manually opt in to this specific forum, several of us were discussing an absolutely awful person which is an unrelated story I won’t get into. Someone asked something along the lines of, “Are you guys talking about Underaged Looking Allagan Voidsent Chimera Demon Guy?” I responded with basically “No, we’re not talking about Underaged Looking Allagan Voidsent Chimera Demon Guy.” And that was it. We moved on with the conversation because he wasn’t who we’d been talking about. His name, tumblr, server info, in game race, class, etc. was all never given. No identifiable information beyond a very brief and tongue-in-cheek description of his RP character comprised of words taken directly from his own wiki, tumblr info, talk of his own character and RP posts.Someone saw the conversation, and based on our intentionally shitty description, was able to accurately guess who we were talking about and send him an anon to tell him about it. You’d think that would be pretty telling about his own RP, and this anon’s interpretation of it. He answered the anon in a long rant about me that featured both my in game name and my tumblr handle. In case you need me to spell this out for you, he went public with it first. I’ll also remind you that I was blocked, so I wasn’t/couldn’t be following him, and I was not properly @tagged in this rant, so I never would have seen it unless someone told/linked me, or someone I follow eventually reblogged it. And I honestly can’t imagine the level of narcissism it takes to write a long personal post full of wangst and victim-playing every time you hear a person had something negative to say about you or your RP character (not even by name–and by picking words from his own descriptions of his character), especially a person you have had issues with in the past and who you openly shit-talked yourself prior. Who does that? Lord knows my blog would be overflowing. Not everyone will like you, especially not people you jabbed at first. Especially not with an off the wall RP concept. Especially not with you trying to pass that concept is lore abiding and just “unusual.” Especially not with you trying to tell other people they’re “wrong” about the lore. Especially not with your character being a squicky, walking fetish and immortal jailbait. And that’s not even touching other things people have told me about this person that rubbed them the wrong way. Move on with your life.However, I found out about the post thanks to the OP himself when he unblocked me just to send me the link to the post and then before I could even read/respond to the post, sent me a barrage of IM’s still playing the innocent victim which is grating enough on its own but also included him straight up lying about ever posting/saying anything about me, insisting he’d done nothing to me, had nothing against me, this was so out of the blue and uncalled for, etc. When I pointed out this wasn’t the case, that I had seen and read the posts firsthand because blocking me doesn’t prevent me from seeing his posts, he began to lie instead about the contents of said posts and pulled some gaslighting bullshit about how I had just “misread” them, all the while either willfully or coincidentally not seeming to understand anything I said to him (I mentioned him publishing the anon about how I hate women at least twice and the response was always “I never said you hate women!!” Well no shit). He kept insisting that I had “gone behind his back” and that if I had a problem I should “say it to his face” despite the fact he’d had me blocked and that I’m not a douchey enough person to try to contact him despite that, and despite the fact that he had “gone behind my back” and not “said it to my face” twice now prior, and had done just that with his post about the folks from the RPC as well.He also insisted that the tumblr post was meant just to innocently “bring the issue to my attention to clear things up” despite me having no way to see it on my own unless by coincidence, and despite him proving to be willing and able to send me IM’s instead, which you’d think could render the need for a public post moot. When I pointed this out, he promptly deleted the post, lest anyone else see through his bullshit to what he was really trying to do.After my initial response to his wall of IM’s, he sent another wall this time with more insults and accusations, and promptly blocked me so I couldn’t respond. So yes, I made a vaguepost, I know, how awful, how dare I. A vague post vague enough that only someone who had seen his post, or who heard about it from him otherwise, would know who and what it was referencing. Until he responded to it himself, that is and unblocked me again to send me more angry messages to which I responded by permanently blocking him instead because this game of blocking and unblocking sure was getting old.Cue his charming friends sweeping in to tell me to eat a dick, making false accusations against my RP partner and I, sending me threats on Discord, telling people I flashed my breasts for money, etc. And the other person? The one who brought him up in the first place who I had only been responding to? Whose name he was given, was aired in the same public post on his blog as mine? As far as I know, she hasn’t gotten any hate, probably not a single message. And I’m glad, because she shouldn’t get any, she doesn’t deserve it. But at the same time, sure seems sketchy that the person who did the same exact thing as me–and who did it first–has not provoked anyone’s ire, not even been messaged. The public post in reply to the anon who named her, even, was aimed 100% at me. Now isn’t that funny. It’s almost like this was an excuse for people who already had beef with me to try to take shots at me and pretend it was justified. It’s almost like all you anon keyboard warriors don’t even know how this started or what actually happened.And now I’m going to talk about something else. You cannot do “whatever the hell you want” with your character. RP is a two-way (or more) street. There is a real person behind each and every character. These people are looking for fun just like you, and are every bit as deserving, and your fun shouldn’t impede on theirs. We are all allowed equal parts of fun.So when people play their weird ass lolicon/shotacon/pedobait characters, who is having fun? What if the other person in the RP was sexually abused as a child and you’re dredging up terrible old memories for them and making light of their pain? What if they’re a parent worried for their child, or worse, the parent of a child who’s already been abused? What if they’re an actual pedophile and seeing you RP this is tempting them, making them think they’re desires are normal and okay? Hell, what if they’re a goddamn ordinary person who finds it creepy and uncomfortable?What if the fetishized, futa ERP avatar is interacting with someone who is trans or nonbinary or intersex IRL? What if it’s triggering them (in the genuine, real sense of the word)? What if the walking affront against the lore character talking about being an Voidsent Half-Primal Garlean Spy in the middle of the Quicksand is ruining everyone’s immersion–particularly when they refuse to play along as others respond realistically IC and try to kill them or arrest them or kick them out? What if the OP af infinitely-stronger-than-everyone-else-around-him character is making the RP unfun for every other RPer involved because their characters can’t do anything but get beaten up or bow to his whims unless they stoop to godmodding or suddenly beefing up their own character?People can and will judge your character. Those judgments are usually best left kept themselves or quietly shared between trustworthy friends. But when your character trespasses on the OOC fun of the role-players around you? Sorry, my guy, people have every right to speak up. And all this nonsense? All this nonsense was a small handful of people who were already pretty nasty showing their true colors and getting told to pipe the fuck down. A pretty good outcome, if you ask me. So, please, block me, anon. My life will be better without idiots like you in it, and the same probably goes for anyone else you intend to block. Your nameless, ignorant, anonymous presence will not be missed–or noticed, for that matter.