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#for me consuming more music i liked as a child online with no other musical outlets

activatebutterflyshield · 21 days

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The thought has struck me that I have an odd written accent as well as an odd writing style.

I can affect an odd spoken accent too, but it’s much more obvious when I write. I know mostly what has caused me to write in such a way, since if there’s one thing my brain is almost always capable of, it’s unnecessary dissection of anything I observe.

Part of it is my greater than average for my area and general age consumption of Commonwealth of Nations media. I use this term to describe mostly British online media, but some Canadian and Australian is included as well. This started when I was young, later elementary years, think 4th-5th grade, when I was introduced to British Minecraft YouTubers. I do often joke that I was raised by the legendary stampylongnose, but he truly was a major source of entertainment once I learned how to tickle the household computer into showing his videos. I’ve continued to consume British media, from YouTubers like Tom Scott to BBC news to shows like Taskmaster.

Another part is probably my, quite honestly, strange literary experience. I often point to my first reading of Tom Clancy’s The Hunt for Red October as the inciting incident. For some reason, that thing was in my middle school library. That and other military techno-thrillers gave me a tendency to over describe and write in run-on sentences. Related is perhaps my gentler but no less impactful obsession with dense fantasy. Looking at you, Brandon Sanderson. Let’s just say that Mistborn re-wired my brain some and the Stormlight Archive is continuing to do so. Although the other primary culprit is Robert Jordan’s The Wheel of Time. I’ve got a lot of flowery language and colorful expressions at the ready for any circumstance.

Then there’s the music. Referencing this Venn Diagram, I’ve got a love of fantastical metaphors married to folk-ish rock-ish tronica-ish string-y dramatic music. It doesn’t help that I’m rather good at memorizing songs after listening to them for around a month, or less if I’m trying. So those metaphors and melodies are pretty much always clacking around my brain if not actively playing in my headphones. Exact quotes of, if not paraphrases of, these songs often work their way into my writing and speech.

Lastly, there’s my sense of humor. I’ve got a motley, patchwork one that includes quite a bit of English deadpan mixed with the strange stuff we consider funny here on Tumblr and topped off with a sprinkle of being overly verbose and sarcastic rightfully earned from my time on Reddit. What I might call jokes are probably best summarized by this little paraphrased jest with a friend on the floor of a hallway around 6:00 in the evening. For context, we were both semi-high on adrenaline, so it might not be word for word, and I consider myself LGBTQIA+.

“These gummy bears taste fruity.”

pause

“Like the gays.”

“PFFFFTTT—“

So there you have it, reader. My personal analysis of why I write like the gen z love child of a British person, a library addict, a folk singer, a recovering Redditor, and a current Tumblrite. I’m 3/5 so far.

#me running my mouth

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fortunemars · 5 months

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OH BIO TIME!!! (⁠*⁠˘⁠︶⁠˘⁠*⁠)⁠.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡

Hilo! I'm Deimos, I go by a million names online but here I'd prefer Deimos or Bunny! Does it make sense with my branding? NO, not unless you've been thru the various stages of my branding and have some knowledge of space...

This is really long so read on at your own risk! /⁠ᐠ⁠｡⁠ꞈ⁠｡⁠ᐟ⁠\

So about me, I use He/it and I'm queer + disabled, I'm an adult now (yippie), and I do a lot of writing! This account is mainly a "repost art and randomly go on super detailed tangents about my fixations" but I am super into writing and I love to talk about my interests (⁠^⁠.⁠_⁠.⁠^⁠)⁠ﾉ I have an ask box open where you can send in anything really, I'd really love any that are writing prompts (for fandoms listed below) or general "what's your thoughts on (blank)" submissions, just be warned I can be very long winded and can rant a lot about anything I'm passionate about. (I will also delete any asks that are too personal/rude or inappropriate)

Fandoms I interact with (always changing): MORTAL KOMBAT, fma/fmab, aphmau (MCD, mystreet, and MID), hetalia (rarely), midnight mass, the walten files, fallout (semi rare? More like new), miraculous ladybug, and I can edit later with others! (Ps I also love learning about your original worlds and characters!)

Non fandom content I enjoy: Minecraft, stardew valley, ART (for any fandoms!!!! I will reblog any good art!!!!), pen pals, crafting, poetry, fanfiction, animal media, music + singing + instruments, original characters/self inserts + OCs and original works!!!, gardening, space, info dumping/sharing, I'm open to trying anything (⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠✧⁠*⁠。

My ao3 is untilwemeetdeath and my poetry blog is @destinypluto and I'm always open to comments and ideas from y'all! If you wanna be mutuals then send me a message cause I'd love to talk with other people who share my interests!!!

DNI CONTENT BELOW:

My DNI list: anti-cringe, bigots, jesson supporters**, hate blogs, discourse blogs, and mental illness related blogs***, ableists and transphobes especially

**I may enjoy aphmau content (albeit heavily removed from her actual channel) but I do not support aphmau's channel or either Jess or Jason. They're both bad people, they've done bad things, and their new content is cash grabby as shit, I know that. I attach to certain old aphmau content because it was my safe space as a child and I know now how to denounce Jesson and their actions while still enjoying the content I liked as a kid, it's not hurting you so leave me alone :(

***by this I mostly mean those weird pro-ana blogs but I also don't want to consume content centred around EDs in general, nor do I want to see pro self harm, doomers, and people who purposely put others down. I don't mind blogs where you vent or talk about your struggles with mental illness!! As long as you're not posting triggering things without warnings then you're welcomed here!

I have no guilt about hitting that block button and neither should you. If you don't enjoy the content being given to you by your feed then block people!

(((this account was previously burnbirds, if you're looking for that then I'm here!!!!!!)))

#blog bio #get to know the blogger #blog intro #intro post

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kobblefort · 1 year

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Rushsly: Second Cavern Arc 3

The truth is that I am unimaginably empty.

Not just hollow, but in fact, a vacuum. An impossibly intense absence of pressure exists at my core, a black hole that exists simply to suck up anything and everything that comes too close, and the rest of me is simply a series of mechanisms to fruitlessly attempt to fill it. I have no other true direction besides to seek ever more food, more drinks, louder music, stronger alcohol, harder drugs, funner games, endlessly more furry porn with bigger and bigger breasts and cocks overflowing with oceans of cum and milk. At times I am made nauseous by it, so bloated and gravid with garbage that I vomit, and yet even when I have taken too much, eaten too much, done too much, I am not full. I must simply lie on my side and wait for the pain of overconsumption to pass before I just consume some more.

The idea that I was ever a child frequently makes me laugh. Of all the dull and blurry memories of youth, I will always remember one in particular: my parents had put me to bed when I was still very small, just barely graduated from a crib. There was a "toy plane" in my room, or at least a kind of seat that was more-or-less shaped like one. Not tired at all, I climbed from my little bed, sat down in "the pilot's seat," and I just sat there all night, imagining I was flying, daydreaming adventures whose specifics have long since left me, but which no doubt involved Sonic and Tails and Knuckles and Bomberman and whatever other copyrighted-intellectual-property imaginary friends came to visit the mind of a sheltered child. I just sat there alone in an empty room, imagining, until the sun had come up and my parents came to wake me. They figured I had woken up early, and for no reason in particular I decided not to tell them I hadn't slept at all. So many years have passed since that innocuous night, and with each one it feels more and more impossible to imagine that I was ever a child, much less one that could be so completely satisfied to spend an entire night in his own imagination. A high-twenty-something number of years later, I have been smoking cigarettes for a greater amount of time than had passed before I ever took my first drag. If I were to start recounting my drunken, drugged and dumbfucked adventures, we would probably never get back to talking about the greatest simulation game of all time, Dwarf Fortress.

And we will return to the greatest simulation game of all time Dwarf Fortress in just one moment more, but for now, I suppose I want some kind of absolution. Even though this writing is entirely anonymous besides being shared with a few deeply trusted friends who already know all this shit about me, and will leave no mark on my real flesh-and-blood life or the vast majority of my other online parlances, I wanted to say it. In a way, maybe this is how I can start to come to terms with it. I am an empty vessel, I am a gaping void, I am a vampire. Shapeless, formless, an elemental hunger, an unquenchable thirst. The obsession I call "love" is nothing more than an overwhelming desire to be classified, objectified, given shape, given form. And when it inevitably breaks down, when the black hole at my core sucks so hard that the ad-hoc structure of a "self" we made collapses, there is nothing left but to devour my lover like everyone else. Hey maybe that's where the vore fixation comes from!

I don't know what to do about any of that deep personal shit, but sometimes I feel like I know what to do in the greatest simulation game of all time Dwarf Fortress. And what I know now is that it takes the miners, smoothers and fortification-carvers an unruly amount of time to get down to the third cavern layer, so I've decided to start moving the base down into the depths. The kobbles will be availed of a third tavern (though admittedly, the failed arena one never quite caught on) along with some other amenities to try and corral them closer to the depths. Nobody likes a long commute, after all, especially when you don't even get paid, you just get fucked over after spending 2 entire hours hauling your ass across the entire city and some change and have to spend two-and-a-half more to get back to your empty fucking apartment where you're still broke and you can't pay your bills.

The kobbles are far from broke, and Shumros Cer brought us an absolute embarrassment of leathers - we probably asked for that, I don't know, I forgot. In the interest of being diplomatic we buy way more of it than we could ever actually want or need, in exchange for gold and platinum crafts by the boxful.

The Stella Elves bring a large assortment of clothes, along with quite a decent amount of literature. These would be interesting in another fortress, but literacy has never been of much import to the kobbles. Clothes and booze are nice no matter who you are, however, and are bought for just a fistful of gems.

The Nillians bring some kind of glitch I think - I don't really care lol, just looks funny. But they also bring an impressive assortment of steel tools, weapons and armor, and of course more booze. A box of gold and platinum nonsense will send them happily on their way.

Down in the second cavern seems like a good place for our new tavern. Fiva the Abyss of Crevices keeps creeping around, but with no way in, the lobster has nothing to do but wait for some dumber, less cautious creature to blast with its poisonous gas.

While not even training, Ace Steel decides she really, really likes a steel battleaxe she got her claws on lately, and names it Silrurvy: "Styletongues." Tongue style??? It's tail time????? Gex the Gecko getting his pussy ate????????

"The Curled Pepper" is established - and populated, with an almost uncharacteristic quickness. Provided the kobbles actually choose to congregate here more often, rather than all the way up in The Permanent Snack, it should significantly cut down on the time it takes to map out the final cavern layer.

This dumb fucking glassblower goes into a strange mood and starts requesting a bunch of shit we already have tons of I don't know what you want!! Leather, got it! Forest, we have tons of wood! Glass??? Look the fuck around you!!! A quarry? What do we even have besides stones?? Shining bars of metal?? How does 1417 iron 56 gold 135 zinc 193 steel 27 pig iron 75 platinum 40 tin and 624 billon sound to you??? Not good for some fucking reason?? Then I don't know. Just die, I guess. Just go insane and die. I consider "cask of Amontillado'ing her ass."

I do, in fact, "cask of Amontillado her ass." At least, until I realize by "glass" she means she literally wants a piece of raw green glass. That should have been obvious to me in retrospect. Sorry I almost killed you over a minor inconvenience, lol!!! In the real world this would be analogous to if you were "a bicyclist just trying to get to your shitty miserable kitchen job alive" and I was "an SUV driver trying to absolutely maximize his time at TGI Fridays happy hour." Does that feel good to think about??? Actually the closest I've ever come to being outright killed on my bike was by a Tesla literally clipping me with their mirror. It was not a narrow road or anything, the driver was just a fucking moron. (This was in like 2014 where you still had to be kind of astute to realize how fucking stupid Elon Musk was, he hadn't posted himself into an embarrassing grave yet.) I still think the irony of a Tesla driver almost killing a bicyclist is really funny. "Yeah I drive an Electric car so I'm helping an environment! Nevermind how many entire ecosystems have been bulldozed to put up cloverleaf interchanges! Don't think about where the electricity for these batteries actually comes from! Don't think about what kind of insanely unsustainable industrial processes are required to make just one of these exploding-battery pieces of shit! I'm helping because I bought the right thing! Now quit hogging the bike lane, I'm trying to be environmentally friendly over here!" I hope whoever that guy was killed himself. Actually, I hope he failed to kill himself. I hope he shot himself but didn't really stick the landing. ANYWAY, as Ty Lovelyseduce chips away at her artifact, the year 255 suddenly begins, starting our sixth year in Rushsly.

The bird towers spot a gnoll thief, but we're not falling for the same trick twice. We pull up the drawbridge, wait a while, and...

So much for that guy. We'll wait a while yet to see if he brought any friends, but if there is another ambush, they're playing it a bit smarter this time themselves.

Acl himself comes up to haul the gnoll into the dungeon, satisfied with simple work as always and letting himself drift through his memories. Hell yeah. That's our wyrm. That's my mother fucking guy that's my fucking dude bro hell yeah bro dude fuck yes. That's my mother fucking dude

"Embraceallied the Wet Zeal" exists now, I guess. Ciri Snarlspurns is not from our fort, and I still don't feel like busting open Legends mode, but it seems a little weird for this artifact to be dedicated to someone Ty doesn't even know just becoming an apprentice trapper. That's not a very impressive job or anything. I mean, like, cool, but just an apprentice? Maybe this is the beginning of some kind of tragic story I'll never know.

Two kobbles reach the absolute worst possible mood, and two more hover just above it. The military kobbles I can at least mitigate by setting them back to training - that always seems to help them blow off steam, and the winter is over after all - I don't really know what to do about Zhag but I've decided to just not worry about it and accept whatever disaster comes of that decision.

The marksbold squad are finally getting their own barracks just below the deep tavern. It'd be quite nice if they managed to pop some shots off at Fiva, but I don't want to keep stationing them and un-stationing them all the time, so this seems more efficient than whatever other solution.

Some lapines come over to tell Acl how nice our fortress is and some random rumors I'm not going to check for a long long time, if I ever do at all.

Oh fuck, ant people!!!

They have no business with us, but they absolutely fucking blast Fiva, who retreats underwater to the edge of the map. Hopefully those two problems sort each other out in one way or another.

A new wave of migrants brings us from 88 to 108 kobbles, and a decent amount of them might not actually be useless. Most of them will probably get assimilated into the military sooner than later - this is an adamantite or bust fortress, and I don't feel like busting right now.

More of the final cavern layer is finally revealed. And I'm just gonna say it I do not feel bad about dfhack'ing in those magma pits at all. -110 out of -129 and no fucking magma in sight, as if getting it up 127 Z-levels would be even remotely feasible. Well, it would be feasible, anything is feasible, but there is only a certain level of misery I can accept while playing a video game. That's kind of the point, right. In real life, the misery just never stops, and you don't get to choose the level you're willing to face. You can't tell the girl who keeps trying to bend you to stop before she breaks you in half. You can't tell your mom to stop ripping the curls right out of your hair with a narrow-toothed comb because she doesn't understand how curly hair works or how you're supposed to treat it. Now you're a white kid with a "jew-'fro" for the rest of your entire educational career! You look in the mirror and you feel fucking embarrassed at looking like a sad, fat clown and everyone calls you "Superbad" because you look like Jonah Hill AND Seth Rogen. In a video game you can go back with what you learned from failing before. But in real life most of your mistakes or spots of bad luck or bad things that happened to you don't actually have the kind of purpose that "dying in Dark Souls" has, there's nothing to actually learn from them and no meaningful way to adjust your behavior. Damn, yeah, I shouldn't have dropped out of high school - Guess I'll keep that in mind for the next time I'm in high school!!! But I guess that's a selfish way to look at it. Sure, I can't do any more about myself, but a basically infinite amount of people will come after me. Maybe that's why I'm supposed to write after all, even if it will never satisfy me. Sure I'll never be able to go back and fix my own life, but if someone ever tells me "I'm thinking of dropping out of high school" I can tell them all about cuts and burns and nerve damage and crying in a walk-in freezer - tell them "if you think 'student loan debt' is bad, wait until you have to work at a fucking White Castle and end up literally maiming yourself just to afford fifteen square-feet in a four-bedroom one-bathroom apartment while entitled rich boomers try to make up their mind on whether you should be a slave, homeless, or just straight up killed, despite the fact that they need people like you to feed them 3 times a day." Good things happen to other people. Everything can go right for you and everyone can like you and you get to make thousands and thousands of dollars off webcomic music and then nothing ever stops you from getting to make your videogame and you never sleep outdoors and you never eat out of a dumpster and you never try to figure out which bills you can put off and for how long. But most people's lives aren't so magical and I guess people like me exist to inspire people like you, to be what a "bad guy" looks like, to be a "tragic side-character," when people like me finally write our own story we've dreamt of since we were kids you don't even fucking read it, and the only way people like me get our flowers is after we fucking die young in some "tragic" stupid and preventable away, THEN it's time to call me a great artist, THEN it's time to read the manuscript, so I can become part of YOUR mythos instead of ever having my own, I can't fucking do this anymore I don't want to play on the fucking computer anymore this isn't the end of the series or anything I just don't fucking feel like writing anymore right now. I'll be back later and we're going to find adamantite.

#dwarf fortress #kobblefort

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swampgallows · 1 year

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the usual

im mad because im trying to read books again, specifically trying to pick up toxic parents and body keeps the score again so i can try and Help Myself basically now that im back in the limbo of having no therapist. but trying to concentrate on shit and hunker down and learn things when i know it’s good for me i swear it’s like a flashbang goes off in my brain and everything just whites out. ‘concentrate’ isnt even the right word for it because it’s like i cant even begin to get started. it’s like staring into the sun to even begin to think about stuff i guess, it’s all so overwhelming. i want so much about my life to change, so much, so badly, so drastically, but so much of it just doesnt feel feasible that it’s like ive implanted this mental block in my brain to even dream of change because it’s too caustic.

that ‘autistic masking’ article about the boy who would build and paint his models at night then clean everything up so he left no trace of himself... i think about how much ive whittled myself down and have tried to take up very little space. how i dont play my music on speakers, dont draw anymore, basically only took up writing more because it was something that was between me and a notepad document and didnt take time the same way as drawing, and wasnt possible to immediately consume like a drawing (people grabbing my sketchbook and just flippantly turning the pages, skimming past drawings that took me hours in favor of minute long sketches, glancing at drawings that were supposed to express my deep feelings and having immediate reactions of disgust or ridicule)

i make kandi put it on a chain then put it away. it cant really go anywhere anyway, not like i’ll be attending raves again any time soon. i have no reason or place to wear my ‘fun clothes’ anymore. i wore what i thought was a cute outfit at christmas and even my immediate family had some shit to say about it. i wore a pair of stockings that ive had (and worn) since i was 14 years old. i wore them to my very first raver day at disneyland. and theyre surprised when i wear them now? like they havent seen them before????

even here i was about to say “i tire of myself” and close this window or hit post and stop here, but literally my blog is one of the only places i can actually express myself somewhere and send it out to a place where it’s seen. yeah i can write things down in my journal and ‘express myself’ there so that “personal stuff” isnt online but... i already do that. set up my models and paint them late at night, then put them away before anyone sees in the morning. djing only in my headphones at 4am, pulling them off periodically to make sure they arent too loud even through the headphones. lighting candles but opening the window so there isn’t “too much” scent.

if im autistic or have adhd or some combination of the two, then my whole family is too and all undiagnosed (save for maybe my dad. i think he’s the closest one of us to being ‘normal’). i took that blorbo quiz and it asked “How would they describe themselves?”

how would -i- describe myself? i dont know. people tell me im smart and funny. i think it’s because they cant think of anything nicer to say.

Part of me is still chasing the approval of all the world’s English teachers. Getting compliments on my writing makes me feel like my life matters. And I still struggle to ask for love and affection when a real, flesh and blood human is looking me in the face. It’s difficult for me to believe someone might care for me as an equal, and like things about me other than my intellect. I frequently have to remind myself I’m no longer a child, and don’t need approval of the “adults” anymore.

as long as im stuck living with my parents im going to perpetually be the child. it’s also really fucking frustrating knowing how ill prepared i am to live as an adult. even when i had a job i had to quit it so i didnt kill myself. i dont think just getting a job is the answer, though i know it’s a mandatory piece of the puzzle. ugh god

#blathering

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natalyarose · 1 month

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𝓁𝑜𝓈𝓉..

Hi! :) I haven't yet written anything on this blog, so I figured I may as well start by writing about the reason I'm so drawn to starting a tumblr blog.

All my life, I think I've felt a little lost. As though I'm not really from here and have been left alone in this big forest, with towering, tall but beautiful trees. In a world I don't understand, but everyone else seems to.

There are times when everything has felt crystal clear, but the last time I remember feeling that way completely was when I was a child, or at least a young teenager. I guess as I've gotten older, I've really overcomplicated things for myself. I don't think I've dealt very well with some of the harsh realities of the world you discover when you grow up. Things like, not all people are kind, not everyone cares for one another, people aren't always as they appear.

In the last few years, this 'lost', confused feeling seems to have taken over. It can feel as if my head is underwater. I've been having a really hard time just trusting my inner guide, relaxing, having that clarity. I've spent way too much precious time googling everyone else's opinions on every little thing, obsessively trying to perceive a higher meaning behind personal & global tragedies, worrying that maybe my whole life has been a lie and really this world is dark & evil, that I was just delusional for being happy & free... obviously I don't actually believe that of course, but all in the same. Sometimes a very intense fear consumes me over any given thing, and it's almost always something external to me. Sometimes even people and things online that have nothing to do with my 'real' life.

I'm not sure why it's gotten so bad in the last few years- another thing with which I obsess over the 'why'. I think I just endured a very... 'wrong' time of my life, and somewhere along the way I lost sight of myself. Lost sight of the big picture.

I remember as a kid I told myself I'd never become like all these grumpy, anxious, narrow minded adults- but I guess in some ways I have :( I know I can never be a child again and I can't un-know what I know, but want to dance back into my natural state.

I've found that throughout my life, my reliable glimmer of relief, my hope, my re-calibration has been found in my creativity & spiritual faith. Art, music, writing.. they all seem to guide me back to who I am, where I belong to, deep unwavering trust in my intuition. Spiritual vision as clear as moonlight... I say moonlight and not sunlight, because I feel as humans, in this human experience, we're meant to have just a little bit of mystery and secrecy. Just that little bit of room for doubt to make believing, knowing, feeling all the more profound.

It sounds morbid, and perhaps a little silly because I'm quite sure my 'time' is very far from now; but I also often have the thought that I want to get as many of my ideas and creations out before I die. I just want to know that I've done my part and shared something beautiful, or helpful, or amusing with the world. My mind, even in its' anxious and sometimes silly state, I believe holds a lot of gems. I mean, I believe every mind does.

Hopefully I'll be posting more on this blog and help myself & others with my thoughts/feelings/musings ♡

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frenchmonkeyslut · 2 months

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BOLD WHAT IS TRUE ABOUT YOU

I am a cuddler.

I am a morning person.

I am an only child.

I am currently in my pyjamas.

I am currently pregnant.

I am left handed.

l am right handed.

I am ambidextrous.

I am a little shy around another gender.

I bite my nails.

I can be paranoid at times.

I enjoy country music.

I enjoy smoothies.

I enjoy talking on the phone.

I have a car.

I have/had a hard time paying attention at school.

I have a hidden talent.

I have a pet.

I have a tendency to fall for the “wrong” person.

I have all my grandparents.

I have been to another country.

I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor.

I have caller I.D. on my phone.

I have bathed someone.

I have changed a diaper.

I have changed a lot over the past year.

I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.

I have had major/minor surgery.

I have had my hair cut within the last week.

I have mood swings.

I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I have rejected someone before.

I like the taste of blood.

I love Michael Jackson.

I love sleeping.

I love to shop.

I own 100 CDs or more.

I own and use a library card.

I read books for pleasure in my spare time.

I sleep a lot during the day.

I watch soap operas on a regular basis.

I work at a job that I enjoy.

I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.

I am wearing socks.

I am tired.

I consume at least one alcoholic drink every month.

I have/had:

Finished college.

Smoked cigarettes.

Ridden every ride at an amusement park.

Collected something really stupid.

Gone to a concert.

Helped someone.

Spun turn tables.

Watched four movies in one night.

Been broken up with.

Taken a college level course.

Been in a car accident.

Been in a tornado.

Watched someone die.

Been to a funeral.

Burned yourself.

Ran a marathon.

Your parents got divorced.

Cried yourself to sleep.

Spent over $200 in one day.

Cheated on someone.

Been cheated on.

Written a 10 page letter.

Have a best friend.

Lost someone you loved.

Skipped school.

Gotten in trouble for something you didn’t do.

Stolen books from the library.

Watched the “Harry Potter” movies.

Fired a gun.

Been in a school play.

Been fired from a job.

Taken a lie detector test.

Swam with dolphins.

Attempted suicide.

Written poetry.

Read more than 20 books a year.

Gone to Europe.

Loved someone you shouldn’t have.

Used a colouring book over age 12.

Had surgery.

Had stitches.

Taken a taxi.

Had more than 5 online conversations going at once.

Had a hamster.

Dyed your hair.

Had something pierced.

Gotten straight A’s.

Your parents sent you to a shrink.

Been handcuffed.

My hair is naturally the color:

Light brown

Medium brown

Dark brown

Blonde

Black

Dirty blonde

Strawberry blonde/Ginger

Multicoloured

My eyes are:

Brown

Blue/Grey

Green

Hazel

Light brown

A combination of things

I am:

Male

Female

Other

People sometimes label me as:

Slut

Girly

Ugly

Nerd

Other (Ex: fat, freak, etc.)

Some of my biggest fears are:

Spiders/other insects

Dying

Doctor/Dentist appointments

Hospitals

Needles

Disease

Being alone in the dark

Heights

Small spaces

Oceans/large bodies of water

Holes

Large animals

Small animals

Open spaces

Lightning/Thunder

I have:

A friend with benefits

A laptop in my room

A television in my room

Good grades

My own car

Married parents

#me #personal

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radjust · 2 years

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Funny reader board signs

#FUNNY READER BOARD SIGNS FOR FREE#

#FUNNY READER BOARD SIGNS HOW TO#

#FUNNY READER BOARD SIGNS FULL#

#FUNNY READER BOARD SIGNS FREE#

We thought to gather some of them so here is a compilation of 233 hacked traffic signs and electronic billboards. The flowers can’t keep it in their plants. Sometimes the messages are funny, shocking or sometimes they just don’t make any sense. I’ve sorry for what I said when it was winter.See more ideas about bones funny, funny signs, funny pictures. In Life Only One Thing Is Certain Friday. Spring, where are you? I don’t do winter. This one is best for an employee bulletin board.The most romantic spring flower? Two lips.Winter left me with a few spring rolls.Fresh herbs and landscaped curbs…spring.When the birds sing, you know it’s spring Save The Sign - The Revelstoke Reader Board.The thunder goes boom and the flowers bloom.I’m springing it on you…winter is over!.See my list at the bottom of this post for my link to the Easter quotes! Spring Letter Boards Sometimes, I put up my spring letter board quotes, change it out with one of my religious quotes on Easter, and then put up another cute spring quote until we arrive at summer. You can find a list of Mardi Gras quotes at the end of this post.Īnd guess what? As I write this post, it’s the first day of spring! I also pop up a few quotes about Mardi Gras in the week ahead of Fat Tuesday. Patrick’s Day letter boards (see my big list of other letter boards below). Check our Funny Social Distancing Signs collection. This month we are looking at some deliberately funny signs. Funny wall signs for offices are also great to amp up the environment. Personally, I like to brainstorm some spring puns so I can put up my spring letter boards as soon as I’m done with my Valentine’s letter boards or before I put up my St. Our mini-series on funny signs from English-speaking countries. Touch device users, explore by touch or with swipe gestures.

#FUNNY READER BOARD SIGNS FULL#

When autocomplete results are available use up and down arrows to review and enter to select. This year has been full of letter board lovin’ When letter boards began to go viral last year in 2017, I knew they would be trending for a while and here we are at the end of 2018 2020 and embracing them with the best fall letter board sayings and quotes. See more ideas about funny billboards, signs, funny. We have tons of slogans-from cute to funny to mildly inappropriate-that you can use to make your own custom signs.Spring has sprung! It is possible that leading up to Easter or following Easter, you will want some general spring letter board quotes to display. Painting rustic garden signs to display is so much fun here are some garden sign sayings to paint on them: Welcome to my garden (of course) This garden is like my child: a little wild, hard to contain but makes me smile. Explore GoPromotional Productss board 'Funny Billboards and Signs', followed by 663 people on Pinterest. LETTER BOARD FUNNY QUOTES shortsHello everyone,Just having a little fun with my. If you need inspiration for your homecoming sign or banner, keep on reading. Lie on the bed, stare at the ceiling, blast the music (earphones optional), and brood.

#FUNNY READER BOARD SIGNS HOW TO#

Have everyone bring their own posterboard or sheets, then share supplies like paint, markers, stencils, and glitter so that no one has to make a big investment for a creative sign. Anyone who was sent to their room on the regular knows how to get through quarantine. You can even have a sign-making party with other families from the unit. It should be a fun task to celebrate the end of deployment. Making a Homecoming sign doesn’t have to be a time-consuming chore. They will even laminate it for you (for an additional fee). You can then upload it to a place like Staples or Office Depot to have it turned into a posterboard sign.

#FUNNY READER BOARD SIGNS FREE#

You can create a design online using Powerpoint, Canva, or any free design program that lets you save your work as a jpeg file. If you aren’t crafty, but still want a custom look, don’t panic! Facebook readers were asked to tell their favorite funny fake medical diagnoses, signs and symptoms and they didnt disappoint. If can be a simple or homemade as you like. humorous quotes first day of school signs birthday signs song lyrics bible verses literary quotes seasonal poems or sayings quotes from your kids. There is no limit applied therefore, you can enjoy as much manga as you wish without any. All you need to do is to visit the site link, use the search bar to look for the manga of interest, click the Start Reading button and you are all set.

#FUNNY READER BOARD SIGNS FOR FREE#

The sign isn’t a requirement, and your service member is probably indifferent to the design. Reading manga online for free on MangaReader is as easy as searching on Google.

#Funny reader board signs

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alsjeblieft-zeg · 2 years

Text

282 of 2022

BOLDING Bold what’s true~

I am a cuddler. I am a morning person. I am an only child. I am currently in my pajamas. I am currently pregnant. I am left handed. I am a little shy around the opposite gender at first. I bite my nails. I can be paranoid at times. I enjoy country music. I enjoy smoothies. I enjoy talking on the phone. I have a car. I have/had a hard time paying attention at school. I have a hidden talent. I have a pet. I have a tendency to fall for the “wrong” guy/girl. I have all my grandparents. I have been to another country. I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor. I have or had broken a bone. I have caller I.D. on my phone. I have bathed someone. I have changed a diaper. I have changed a lot over the past year. I have friends who have never seen my natural hair colour. I have had major/minor surgery. I have killed another person. I have had my hair cut within the last week. I have mood swings. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. I have rejected someone before. I like the taste of blood. I love Michael Jackson. I love sleeping. I love to shop. I own 100 CDs or more. I own and use a library card. I read books for pleasure in my spare time. I sleep a lot during the day. // currently I watch soap operas on a regular basis. I work at a job that I enjoy. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. I am currently wearing socks. I am tired. I love to paint/draw/sketch/sculpt. I have consumed at least one alcoholic drink in the past month.

I have/had: Finished college. Smoked cigarettes. Ridden every ride at an amusement park. Collected something really stupid. Gone to a concert. Helped someone. Spun turn tables. Watched four movies in one night. Been broken up with. Taken a college level course. Been in a car accident. Been in a tornado. Watched someone die. Been to a funeral. Burned yourself. Ran a marathon. Your parents got divorced. Cried yourself to sleep. Spent over $200 in one day. Cheated on someone. Been cheated on. Written a 10 page letter. Had a best friend. Lost someone you loved. Skipped school. Gotten in trouble for something you didn’t do. Stolen books from the library. Been in a mental hospital. Watched the “Harry Potter” movies. Fired a gun. Been in a school play. Been fired from a job. Taken a lie detector test. Swam with dolphins. Attempted suicide. Written poetry. Read more than 20 books a year. Gone to Europe. // never left in the first place Loved someone you couldn’t have. Used a coloring book over age 12. Had surgery. Had stitches. Taken a taxi. Had more than 5 online conversations going at once. Had a hamster. Dyed your hair. Had something pierced. Gotten straight A’s. Your parents sent you to a shrink. Been handcuffed.

My hair is naturally the color: Light brown Medium brown Dark brown dark Blonde Black Dirty blonde Strawberry blonde/Ginger Multicoloured

My eyes are: Brown Blue/Grey Green Hazel Light brown A combination of things

I am: Male Female Other Don’t prefer to be labelled

People sometimes label me as: Slut Girly Ugly Nerd Other (Ex: weird, freak, etc.)

Some of my biggest fears are: Spiders/other insects Dying Doctor/Dentist appointments Hospitals Needles Disease Being alone in the dark Heights Small spaces Deep bodies of water Holes Large animals Small animals Open spaces Lightning

#survey #bolding survey #themed survey

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daeguzen · 2 years

Note

yooo thank you for your beautiful words T^TT i think very lowly of myself all the time and am surprised that my friends still stood by my side T^TT (not many, but they always see the good things in me and change my perspective when i doubt myself, so im really grateful to have known them T^TT)

aaand on the dating part!! im 24 now but ive never dated in my life 🤣 one friend said: "you just...don't seem like you're looking for it" and im like yeah, that's partially true😅 but the core reason is that ive never met someone that i seriously wanna be in a relationship with (crushes yes, but i tend to picture things in the long run and if i don't see a far future together, then my answer is always no). esp after graduating uni, i don't even think about wanting to be in a relationship anymore.. life has already consumed all of my energy and my heart is kinda numb now 😭 I'm so sorry for such a depressing rant 😭 you're still SO young and you deserve to pursue all that makes you happy and live the best life ❤️❤️ i really miss being 19~21 bc i met my bestest friends during this period and grew a lot :) I'm sure you're in one of your most amazing adulthood years now ❤️

ooh and how long will you be a substitute teacher for? do you need to teacher them the actual syllabus if the teacher is absent for some time? 😆

<3 <3 in this house we only spread positivity :) people aren't perfect by nature, so i think it's good that you have your friends because they accept you for who you are and aww that's sweet, i love that for you.

woah ~ it's so strange meeting people older than me because i feel very young and i look like it too lol i haven't aged much since beginnings of high school. i thank my dads genes for that LOL. so i feel like...im still a child when talking to older people but i've been told i have an old soul aha. and yeah i completely understand that, i don't have many friends but that's ok because i think it's comfortable sharing with a few people than a lot. i think romantic feelings would develop with someone i would know a little better and talk to often. romance is weird, it functions differently for anyone.

that's just what happens as you get older. when you're young everything is fun and games and you just go to school and do what your told. as you get older you have to set these things up for yourself, focus on finding a stable and decent income to keep yourself surviving in such a fast paced world. some situations are different than others so i love that you focus on what you need to do. romance is something that shouldn't and doesn't have to be rushed. and nah it isn't depressing it's interesting to read and interact with other people. your lifestyle seems kinda chill to be honest, especially from the way that you talk, i get chill vibes :D

awww ^~^ thank you, i shall try my best to pursue what i enjoy, i think a life full of art, fashion, and music, is beautiful. it's fun and refreshing for me. and to those who go into medical school, social work, teaching, and so much more have decided on career paths that contribute a lot to helping other people on a more personal level and i think that too is greatly respectable. all careers should be like that, appreciated for what they are. (aww hun you're still hella young tho two years isn't two big of difference but yess, reliving those moments in your head tho that's a therapeutic thing) thank you for all your kind words too, i really appreciate them ^~^ i never saw myself in this position of being able to interact with people online, especially over my writings, so i'm happy that i've gotten to meet people on here, it's sweet.

and honestly, i am not sure, i was thinking of doing it next year but my first half of the semester, i ended up with morning classes. so i only have two days in the week to actually work as a sub. i currently work with kids as an assistant so i just help out the actual teacher. in the future with the older kids i don't think i'd be in charge of teaching them because i wouldn't be able to take a long term sub job if a teacher is absent for a longer period of time. i have my own classes to attend and responsibilites so even if i wanted to i wouldn't be able to. but i think im gonna try to look for another job for the summer or for jobs at my campus to fill in during days i can't sub. this past spring semester i did nothing LOL but this is where the fun is gonna start because i'll be going back to getting productive and enjoying caffeine :D

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sundaysundaes · 3 years

Text

Falling

Lee Donghyuck/Haechan X Reader | Smut, Fluff, Angst | NC-17 | 11K

Summary: In the absence of your warmth, Lee Donghyuck begins to reminisce the loving memories he’s shared with you in the past three years, regretting how your first fight turned into something that ended it all. Lyrics are taken from this beautiful song: Harry Style’s Falling.

Warnings: Unprotected sex (please practice safe sex!), oral sex, alcohol consumption, swearing

I'm in my bed

And you're not here

The small, barely prominent crack on the ceiling of his bedroom has always gone unnoticeable. It stands only as a silent witness of the meeting between a pair of plumps lips to redder ones, the breathless sounds of frantic moans, and the sacred exchange of loving words. But not tonight. Tonight, as he lays on his bed, sheets all crumpled but with the absence of your warmth, Donghyuck notices everything.

He notices how quiet his room—his entire apartment—feels when it’s only the sound of his own, soft breathing echoes through the air. The walls, the carpet, the bedsheets, the framed photographs that remind him of the joy that used to bloom on his face—everything feels monochromatic. Empty. Shallow. Because ever since you walked out of his life, you’ve taken all the colors with you, leaving him solely in black and white.

And there's no one to blame

But the drink in my wandering hands

With the bitter taste of vodka sitting on his tongue, Donghyuck closes his eyes, allowing himself to remember but not forgive the words he once said to you.

Regrets start to suffocate him at once.

Forget what I said

It's not what I meant

And I can't take it back

I can't unpack the baggage you left

What hurts from a break-up is not the parting of two hearts, but the memories that had been drawn deep within them. It’s not the kiss that he misses, it’s the taste of your lips—the faint scent of strawberry that sits pale in comparison to your natural flavor. It’s the way they move against his own, timid at first then consuming all at once. And how there will be no other girl that will taste the same, feel the same, or emit the same kind of feelings from him.

It’s funny, Donghyuck thinks, how he can only see your smile behind his closed eyelids these days. But he doesn’t find himself laughing. He can’t even remember the last time he found a reason to smile, now that you’re gone.

The moon was hiding behind thick clouds, he remembers, that night when fate walked in and introduced you to one another.

Donghyuck’s eyes were glued to the silver screen, adrenaline pumping through his veins as he witnessed the battle between the villain and the protagonist grew deadly. The thrill of it soon perished, however, when a scent of chamomile shampoo fleeted through his nose.

Your head was falling onto his shoulder as you waned into your dreamland. Unbeknownst to you, you had been leaning your weight entirely to a stranger whose bergamot perfume compelled you to focus on anything besides the movie. It was as pleasant as it was distracting. But after being sleep deprived for three days, exhaustion finally took over and you fell asleep so deeply, you didn’t even have the strength to dream.

Your weight on his body was unfamiliar but it wasn’t uncomfortable for twenty-two years-old Lee Donghyuck. As he took a glance at your face, it wasn’t your beauty that kept him frozen—except for the gentle smile that broke on his lips. It was how peaceful you looked, almost like an enervated child curling up after spending her time chasing butterflies on the field.

Donghyuck shifted carefully on his seat, attempting his best to give you comfort by providing more space for you to lean your weight on. Then he stayed still, his smile never faltered away, the movie long forgotten. He didn’t spare a glance at the screen even when people were gasping at the sight of the protagonist dying in his lover’s arms. He was more intrigued by the thought of your name, wondering whether it would sound as nice as the smell of your shampoo.

When the credits rolled, Donghyuck told Mark and Jeno in hushed whispers to leave without him, throwing icy glares at them when they grinned devilishly at the sight of you sleeping on his shoulder. He went as further as kicking Jeno on the shin when his voice rose too loudly, afraid that he’d wake you up, which made the other man complain because certainly, the background music was louder than anything else in the room.

Nevertheless, you were still deep in your slumber.

Donghyuck begged for more time when one of the concessions workers asked him to leave. Refused and left with no other solution, he sighed and turned his head toward you.

“Hey,” he whispered, heart palpitating in anticipation of finally hearing your voice. “We have to go.”

His voice was foreign to your ears but it was so soothing, almost like a lullaby, that you snuggled closer, wanting to hear more of it. It took Donghyuck three times more with his cheeks reddening to call upon you until you finally found the power to detach yourself from your stupor.

“Hey there,” a boy—beautiful boy—with glowing, sun-kissed skin; round, enticing eyes; and a voice as sweet as honey, beamed at you with a smile so warm, it nearly melted your heart, and you decided ah, I don’t ever want to wake up from this dream.

It was when the usher popped into your vision, stating, “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but we’re closing,” that you internally screamed oh God, no, this isn’t a dream, what have I done?

“So that’s what he said.” Donghyuck’s smile was sheepish with a tint of teasing, and your heart moved on its own, yearning for him to display you another one. “But if you still have time to spare, we can go get some coffees or something. I can fill you in on the details.”

“A—” Your voice was hoarse from sleep, embarrassingly so. “About what?”

“About the movie you just missed.” The grin he showcased grew wider and this time, it was so utterly mischievous that you had to break your gaze before heat rushed to your face. “The fact that you’re here watching a movie by yourself must mean you’re interested to see how it ends. I can help you with that.”

“Umm—” You rummaged your purse, pretending like you were searching for something when it was only a poor excuse for you to not be captivated by his eyes longer than you already were. “It’s fine, I can look it up online.”

“But then what should I do with this?” He brought his right hand in the air, pursing his lips. “My arm’s falling asleep. Shouldn’t you take responsibility for it?”

The horrified look on your face made him laugh, and his laughter became the reason why you decided to throw all common sense away and just went with what felt right.

Awkward conversations made you anxious but they died before you could finish your coffee. They were reborn into something that was supposed to only be shared between friends instead of strangers, but with Donghyuck, everything felt so natural, you didn’t even find the will to question it. His affable, carefree attitude was almost inspiring, breaking through your facade as easy as counting his fingers.

“So, how come you went to the movies by yourself?” Donghyuck asked, his coffee long forgotten on the table as he was more drawn to you and the little smile you retained on your lips. “Boyfriend too busy to come along?”

A bit flustered, you brought your head down, hiding your eyes behind your fringe. “I don’t... have a boyfriend.”

Donghyuck raised an eyebrow, lying his chin on his palm as he rested his elbow on the table. The way he stared at you made your stomach flip, and he reciprocated with nothing but a hum, tapping a finger to his cheek. His tiny smile held a thousand meaning.

You hurriedly took a sip of your coffee. “I, uhh, I had some free time today and it’s my favorite movie franchise—I just got to see how it ended. But all my friends have seen it, so…”

“They didn’t invite you?”

“They did. I was just busy with work.”

His voice dropped an octave lower. “And they didn’t wait for you.”

“It’s—” Your chest tightened. “It’s fine, really. I mean, it would only make me feel bad if they waited for me. My schedule is crazy. I haven’t been sleeping properly for three days because of my deadlines.”

“Yeah, I noticed that.” He chuckled and you noticed how his teeth were a little jagged. “I could still smell your drool on my shirt, actually.”

“Oh my God,” you spluttered. “I’m—Please let me wash it for you.”

“And you expect me to walk home half-naked?” His naughty eyebrow raise made your skin tingle. “Or are you inviting me to stay over?” Seeing you part your mouth but lost for words, Donghyuck tittered. “I’m kidding. I would’ve waited for you. No matter how busy you were, I would. And even if I’ve watched it first, I wouldn’t mind watching it again with you.”

You shook your head, both in attempts to disagree with his words and to erase your blush away. “But that would be a waste of money—”

“That wouldn’t be a waste, and you know why?” He leaned closer, body almost halfway through the table. “Because for me, it’s never about the movie. It’s about watching it together with you. About us complaining about the plot holes, talking about the bad acting, laughing at each other when something reminds us of one of our inside jokes. That’s what makes it worth.” As Donghyuck realized how your eyes were locked with his, your breath hitching in your throat with the proximity, he quickly plummeted back to his seat, flushed. “I mean, it applies to everyone—not you, specifically.”

So he could be shy, you wondered. And what else could he be? Maybe buried underneath those mischievous grins, laid a caring heart. Maybe he could be the one who’d understand when you missed three of his calls as you tried to survive your deadlines. Maybe he would cook you breakfast instead of just reminding you to take one. Maybe he could taste sweeter than any boy you’d ever kissed.

So when his curiosity for you matched the intensity you had towards him, you let your walls crumble, welcoming him with open arms.

“It’s going to rain,” Donghyuck mentioned, eyes observing the night sky, dark clouds rumbling as they hovered above you. You were walking next to him, knuckles nearly grazing one another from how near you were though none of you was brave enough to close the distance.

Although obvious, you decided to humor him. “Yeah? How can you tell?”

“‘Cause I’m psychic.” The added wink in the end was a bonus but to you, it became the main reason why you had to drag your gaze to your feet.

Funny how for the past three hours, your smile never faltered away—almost to the point that your cheekbones began to hurt—when you could barely remember the last time you found amusement in anything.

“Are you cold?” he asked, and you promptly shook your head no. Unfortunately for you, your body betrayed you. Donghyuck chuckled softly when he noticed the shivers that ran through your spine. “Want me to lend you my jacket?”

“Oh—no, it’s fine, I’m—”

“It was a rhetorical question, dummy.” The body heat that was imprinted on his leather jacket made you well-aware of just how warm he actually was. The scent of his bergamot perfume was overwhelmingly delightful, but there was another scent underneath it—something that reminded you of summer, sunlight, and sandalwood—that made you wonder, maybe, if he wasn’t wearing this perfume, he’d smell just like this.

He pushed your hair away from your neck, straightening the jacket until it enveloped you entirely with its warmth. “Better?”

You eventually managed to snap yourself out of your reverie. “Were you always this smooth with women?”

“No, I just practiced in front of my mirror a lot.”

“Practiced what?”

He wiggled his eyebrows. “The art of seduction.”

“Is that so?” Your cheeks began to warm but it was probably because of the jacket. “Guess I should try that sometimes,” you joked.

“I don’t think you need it,” he cooed, bending himself down a little so you were eye-to-eye. “You already have me wrapped around your fingers from the second I laid my eyes on you.” When you became petrified by his words, his laughter reverberated through the air. “Now, that’s an example. How did I do?”

Ignoring your racing heart, you retorted, “Terrible.”

“Then will you let me practice on you so I can get better?”

Just like that, you found yourself sporting another smile. “Now, that’s smooth.”

Your life had been dull, repeating the same routines over and over again with your job taking most of your precious hours. Being with Donghyuck was a breath of fresh air—a stranger who was attentive to every little gesture you made, every little word that escaped your mouth, as much as he easily stole your attention away. His confidence was inspiring, his laughter was contagious, and you adored every little bit of his quirkiness.

“This feels like a date,” he professes, smiling diffidently to himself. “Would it be okay for me to think of it as a date?”

Suddenly, your vocabulary had diminished into nothing but his name. You nodded, and surprisingly enough for you, Donghyuck snickered, hand reaching out to playfully—almost childishly—ruffle your strands. “Thanks. Then a date it is.”

You wished time could go slower so you could savor the moment, memorizing the heart shape of his lips when he grinned.

You stopped in front of your apartment building, a breeze of cold night wind caressing your cheeks. “Umm, this is me,” you said, dismantling his leather jacket of your body. “Thank you... for this.”

Donghyuck’s fingertips grazed against your knuckles and it took longer than necessary for him to retrieve it from your hand. “You’re welcome.”

“And...” Your mind strayed away from forming the right words as you took notice of him wearing his leather jacket, how it fitted him so perfectly, how handsome he looked. “Umm, thank you for walking me back.”

“Thank you for giving me the chance.” His smile reminded you of spring, your favorite season, the way it blossomed on his face, so warm and beautiful. “I could’ve been a serial killer, you know. Showing me where you live isn’t too smart.”

“You don’t look like a serial killer to me.”

“Yeah?” His smile turned impish. “Then, how do I look like to you?”

You were fast to pivot on your heels. “I think I should go.”

His laughter filled the air. “Wait, I haven’t even said good night yet.”

“Then good ni—“ Your words died on your tongue when a pair of plump lips found their way to your cheek, just brushing lightly against the skin but your entire breath escaped your lungs at once. He retraced his steps before you could respond properly, biting the corner of his lip, looking somewhat unsure.

“Sorry if that’s—“ Donghyuck cleared his throat. “Umm, good night.”

You felt lightheaded, and you shortly blamed it on the amount of espresso you’d gulped too much during the day. “Good… night…”

Donghyuck was too bashful to meet your eyes, which was why you were brave enough to sneak a glimpse at his face. You decided that his sly, confident grins looked alluring on his face, but they were nothing compared to how adorable he seemed when he evinced that nervous, shy look on his face.

It took a few seconds before Donghyuck gave you a weak nod and walked away, taking the same direction from where you came. Something queasy grew inside your stomach, your grip around your purse tightening.

Is it all there is? Am I never going to see him again?

With a heavy sigh, you walked toward your building.

Maybe he doesn't like me that much... But what do I do now? I want to see him again.

I don’t want to let him go without knowing whether I could see him again.

God, for once, just do something for yourself. Do something that makes you happy, be brave!

Taking a deep breath, you chose to gamble.

At the same time you turned on your heels, shouting his name, Donghyuck was calling upon yours and you both met each other halfway, breathless when it didn’t even take you more than twenty steps to reach one another.

“H-hi,” you greeted, voice quivering but not as much as the fingers you curled around the hem of your blouse.

“Hey.” Donghyuck’s gaze softened. “I was wondering—”

“Can we meet again?” You didn’t intend to cut him off so abruptly, but the anxiety within you nearly made your heart burst that you ended up asking the question without waiting for him to finish his. “I—I mean—I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt—”

“Yes, a thousand times yes,” he answered in one breath, with his sentence ending in chuckles. “You’re adorable, do you know that?”

Your heart was still about to burst but for an entirely different reason. “That’s…” You tucked a loose strand of your hair behind your ear—a habit that seemed to appear whenever you were too embarrassed to function. “That’s great. I mean, the fact that you want to see me again, not—” Oh God, okay, stop. “Well, then, umm, I guess I should leave now.”

He concealed his grin. “Aren’t you going to ask for my number or something?”

You mentally slapped yourself. “Y-yes, that would make it easier.”

The way Donghyuck was gazing at you made you feel like you were about to fall from the edge of your seat. He must think I’m an idiot. But had you been brave enough to see the gleam in his eyes, you would’ve noticed how he was staring at you so adoringly. “Give me your phone then.” When you just stood still, too busy trying to comprehend that a cute boy was really going to give you his number, Donghyuck added, “To add my numbers, Sweetheart. What, do I look like someone who flirts with pretty girls just to steal their phones away?”

“I wasn’t—” You quickly handed him your phone. “Here.”

Donghyuck’s smile grew playful again. “Care to make it interesting?”

“What?”

“I’ll add my numbers except for the last digit. You gotta guess it.”

“What? Why—”

“Because you’re cute,” he repeated, cocking his head as he returned your phone. “And it makes me want to tease you even more.” You unconsciously began to pout and he nearly whimpered at the sight. “Don’t do that, that’s not fair.”

You mumbled quietly, “I don’t like being made fun of.”

“I’m not making fun of you, I’m teasing you. There’s a difference.” He sighed, fingertips aching to reach out and swat your bangs away from your eyes. “A huge difference.”

You jutted out your bottom lip. “Feels the same to me.”

Donghyuck leaned in, calloused palm finding its way to cup your cheek, lifting your face so the streetlight could illuminate your features. “You need to wash that pout away from your face,” he whispered, eyes slowly going down to your lips that you had to remind yourself to breathe. “Or else I won’t be able to hold myself back.”

It was supposed to be another teasing, you knew he only meant it that way. But all trace of playfulness quickly vanished from his face when he noticed your eyes drifting to his lips—just for a split second—but that was enough. He saw the sign, he felt the chemistry, and there was no way he was going to let it pass just like that. Not when he had been thinking the same thing repeatedly for the last three hours you’d been together.

It wasn’t your first kiss—nor your second or third—but it was the kiss that mattered and you weren’t sure why. Three hours ago, he was a stranger. Now, he sent a trickle of electricity through your bloodstream, as if he was your first love. As if you had been wanting him for years.

A gentle rain began to pour over your heads, tiny droplets staining your cheeks but all you could think about was the way his thumb was caressing your cheekbone, how his lips were warmer and softer than anything you could have imagined, yet fierce and powerful at the same time.

“Am I going too fast?” He asked in a broken whisper, parting away just enough to murmur the question but close enough that you could still feel his words grazing your lips.

“Yes.” But you curled your fingers on the front of his shirt, tugging him closer. Donghyuck sighed into your mouth, eyebrows furrowing as he let himself drown deeper in passion. What started as a chaste kiss became ardent, and you allowed him to taste you enough so that he would fall asleep thinking about your lips. Donghyuck took a hold of your wrist, detaching your grip from his fabric and moved it up, silently telling you to wind your arms around his neck instead. The second you did it, he melded his lips with yours in a passion that matched the blazing sun, entangling his long arms around your waist, nearly lifting you off your feet as he embraced you tighter.

You wanted to preserve this moment. Right here, kissing fervidly under the soft rain in the arms of a stranger, drowned in the feelings of excitement. Because if you were oxygen, then Donghyuck was dying to breathe.

When it ended, you wished it didn’t have to. Donghyuck’s eyes were deep and intense as they peered into yours, growing a bit half-lidded when he shifted them back to your lips. “Hey.”

You mirrored his gentle smile, forehead pressing against his. “Hi…”

“I don’t know about you,” he chuckled lowly, “but as far as first kisses go, I think that was the best first kiss in the history of mankind.”

You tried to suppress your laughter but failed instantly. “Hyuck?”

“Yeah?”

“Judging from that line, I think you need to practice harder on your art of seduction.”

“Let’s just go back to kissing for now. I like kissing.” He pulled you in again, exchanging muffled giggles between playful kisses.

And if happiness had a form, it would’ve had his smile.

What am I now? What am I now?

What if I’m someone I don’t want around?

I’m falling again. I’m falling again.

I’m falling.

It’s almost laughable that the memories that once sparked so much joy in his heart have taken a shape of javelin, striking him deep in his chest, right where he ached for you the most. It tasted like summer when he kissed you in the rain, and the pain that swells in Donghyuck’s heart whenever the memory of it suffices is harder than the storm. And now, it’s the silence of the room—the absence of your presence—that pierces his skin.

It was easy for him to fall in love with you. So easy, it frightened him at first. After his first relationship, the way his first love shed his heart to pieces, he thought he wouldn’t be able to love someone ever again. Wouldn’t have the courage to even try. But when you came into the picture, Donghyuck didn’t even have the strength to resist. You were everything he ever wanted, an epitome of the woman that graced his dreams. And he was a prisoner, trapped under your spell.

So, why does everything have to end?

Now that he’s falling without you catching him, what is he going to do?

He hates who he’s become. He loathes the fact that he can no longer easily smile like he used to. He despises how grimly he envisioned the world these days. As if you were his entire future, and now that you’re gone, his whole world collapses. Donghyuck no longer knows himself, as you were the one who defines him. The one who gave meaning to his life. The one who mended his broken heart.

What if I’m down? What if I’m out?

What if I’m someone you won’t talk about?

I’m falling again. I’m falling again.

I’m falling.

You must hate me now, Donghyuck ponders, bringing his arm over his face, nibbling at the corner of his lip. The things I said… How I let you go without even giving us a chance… I must have hurt you…

It all began that night, on the day of your twenty-sixth birthday. Two years had passed since you shared your first kiss. Little fights over your differences couldn’t be avoided, but they helped nurture the bond you had with him, making it stronger. And each forgiveness was sincere and was rich in kisses. Donghyuck always made sure of that.

As you were fond of movies, your perfect date must involve watching a movie together with him so Donghyuck, dressed unusually handsomely in a white button-up shirt and black khakis that caught you off guard, took you out to the movie theater—the place where fate once meddled in and brought you to one another.

Knowing your taste, he paid two tickets to see the latest romantic movie, two buckets of popcorn, and a coke for him but iced green tea for you, realizing full well how soda had become one of your biggest enemies ever since your diet started. He made sure that your seats were located on the corner top of the theater, private enough for him to snuggle close to you or steal kisses whenever he felt like doing. You didn’t mind because Donghyuck would only kiss you when you seemed bored, never wanting to bother you when you were too immersed in the movie. He simply kept his hand laced with yours the whole time to make up for the loss.

Complaining about the plot holes and making jokes that only you two could understand had become Donghyuck’s habit to keep you entertained during the movie and it was something you always looked forward to. But that night, he was quiet, his eyebrows creasing in irritation but because of what, you were clueless.

“Are you okay?” You asked as you exited the building, this time being the one who reached out for his hand first. Donghyuck stiffened but his shoulders soon relaxing as he intertwined your fingers together.

“I’m fine,” he assured. “Why, do I not look fine?”

You weakly smiled back, uncertain. “You just seem awfully quiet, that’s all.”

He rubbed his nape, somehow looking a bit perturbed. “I just… It made me remember something I’ve been trying my best to forget.”

“You mean the movie?”

“Yeah.” He sighed into the night, puffs of hot air erupting from his slightly chapped lips. “I don’t know about you, but I think the way the movie depicted their long-distance relationship is just bullshit.”

There was so much bitterness in his words that it nearly made you stop walking. Suddenly, there was a thick tension around you, one that made you aware that it would be wiser to drop the conversation. But curiosity was eating you from the inside. He looked so crushed, so angry, and Donghyuck was turning into a whole other person before you.

You asked him what happened.

“I don’t think I want to talk about my past relationship when I’m celebrating a special night with my girlfriend.” He forced himself to laugh about it, but it sounded hollow.

You unconsciously tightened your grip around his hand. “I just wanted to understand you better.”

“Hey.” He pulled you toward him so abruptly, you ended up falling on his chest. His smile was warmer when he looked at you. “Without even knowing my past, you already understand me better than anyone.”

You were still unsettled when Donghyuck kissed your lips to divert your attention, softly biting your lower one just to joke around to ease the tension. “Ah, I can’t wait until we’re home,” he whispered when all laughter had receded and he had his fingers tucking your loose strands behind your ear. “I want to make love to you.”

Your heart beat thunderously inside your chest. “You’re—you’re just gonna say it so blatantly like that?” He used to be so shy about it, asking you to join him in bed by pressing open-mouthed kisses down your neck instead of using words.

“Just wanted you to know my plans beforehand.” He simpered. “Or do you not want to?”

Face aflame, you hurriedly took a couple of strides forward, leading the way with your hand clamping his wrist. “Where are we going?” Donghyuck frowned but followed you nonetheless. “The restaurant is right there.”

“We can have dinner after.” You threw a look over your shoulder, too nervous to smile, but hoped your words would deliver. “Aren’t we going to make love?”

His astonished look soon turned delicate. Donghyuck’s smiles were always beautiful, but the ones that were caused by you were the brightest.

As soon as the door clicked open, Donghyuck half-pushed, half-carried you inside his apartment that smelled pleasantly like him. He didn’t wait until it was properly closed before he latched his parted lips on your softer ones, fusing perfectly in the way no one ever could. A stinging pain erupted from the back of your head when Donghyuck drove you to the wall, not knowing his own strength, but when you groaned against his mouth, it was solely because you needed him as much as he needed you.

“I love you,” he breathlessly said against your neck, tearing your coat away from your body, fingers slipping underneath your dress. “I love you so much, it’s insane.”

It had been three months since you first exchanged the sacred three words, but no matter how much Donghyuck had whispered them to your ears, painted them to your skin with his lips, it still felt like the first time you heard him say the words. It wasn’t just because of how many promises he held underneath them, it was the way he said them—so sincerely, so desperately, as if you were running out of time and he needed you to hear them before you disappeared from his life.

“I—” You flinched, pulling him for another kiss again when Donghyuck hooked his fingers on the side of your lingerie, hastily pushing it down your thighs. “I love you too—Hyuck—”

The bed was not more than twenty steps away but it was long forgotten when Donghyuck, still with his teeth ghosting across your lower lip, hastily unzipped himself and pushed his jeans and boxers lower enough for your hand to find and stroke him to life. “God, baby—” he hissed when you curled your fingers around him, hot breath caressing your jawline. “I want—I need to be inside you—just—”

No one had ever wanted you the way he did. Every kiss was nearly bruising, every hug was almost suffocating, the thrill of it all was overwhelming.

It was almost a whine that escaped his lips when he vocalized your name. As soon as his desperate gasp and pleading moan reached your ears, the butterflies came alive in your stomach. Your skin tingled, even with the lightest brush of his lips. Your fingers found home in his hair when he kissed the valley between your breasts, tugging at his soft strands and earning a low grunt in response.

You gave him a sign, affirming that it was okay to continue and Donghyuck wasted no time. Pushing the fabric of your dress as much as he could until it pooled around your waist, he lifted one of your legs and wrapped it around his hips, one hand sliding down to prop up your thigh, the other one aligning his tip against your entrance.

The friction made you moan, both in pain and passion, as Donghyuck slid himself in one swift motion. The second he was sheathed deep inside, waiting for you to adjust to his size, he drew out a long sigh, eyes shut close as he relished the sensation. But when your gaze met, his half-lidded eyes were gentler than they had been the entire day. Careful fingers framed your face, his thumb rubbing comforting circles along your cheekbone. “Are you okay?”

You weakly nodded, smiling sheepishly. “Are you?”

His chuckles were light and bashful. “I’m feeling great,” he said. He moved his hips without warning, just a little, not too fast, not too deep, but the sensation was enough to make you whimper and Donghyuck swallowed every little noise you made directly with his lips.

A certain thrust made you squeeze around him and he drowned out his moan by mouthing against your shoulder, teeth prickling against the skin. “Fuck, do that again, baby, please.” And as he continued hitting the same spot, it was a given that you provided the same reaction.

Donghyuck was insanely good at making you feel good, and in return, you wanted to give him everything that he desired. “I love how you feel around me,” he confessed under his breath, as if he was talking to himself. “Perfect—you’re so perfect for me—”

Your arms were frantically clutching around his neck, trying to maintain stability when Donghyuck pushed you up the wall, now lifting both of your feet off the ground. He buried himself deeper, moved his hips faster, and kissed you with the desperation of a dying man.

You tried to hold back but you couldn’t. It was too much. His breathless moans in your ear, the frantic sway of his hips, the closeness of your bodies—everything was overwhelming and you came hard on his length, legs wrapping tightly around his waist as Donghyuck chased after your lips.

“Fuck,” he breathed heavily, his jaw hung low. The way you quivered and clenched around him sent fire through his veins. “Did you just come?” he whispered and you bit your lip in shame. The tiny laugh that broke free from his lips were both playful and filled with tenderness. “Already? That was fast.”

Flustered but not given the chance to react, you inhaled sharply when Donghyuck picked up the pace. He was almost growling when his lips grazed against the shell of your ear. “Actually, me too,” he moaned, “Is it—can I come inside?”

You nodded fervently, embracing him tighter and Donghyuck buried his head in the crook of your neck, hips stuttering as he came.

When he let you slide down to your feet, your knees gave out under your weight and you stumbled back to his chest. He held you close, laughing as he kissed the top of your head. “I’m sorry, come here.” Bending down slightly, Donghyuck hooked one arm under your knees and another one behind your back. He carried you in his arms, teasing, “The sex was so good, you could barely stand, huh?”

You playfully slapped his chest. “Shut up.”

But all of his mischievousness dissipated as soon as you both slipped under the duvet, his bedsheets felt silky smooth under your spine. He cleaned the stain that dripped down your thighs with a warm towel, but dipped his head down to taste you directly with his tongue the second he was finished with it. Donghyuck’s eyes never left yours, placing gentle kisses on the inner sides of your thighs and two more on your clit before he slid his tongue along your folds, slowly, as if he had the whole time in the world to please you.

He was always gentler the second time, slower with more feelings instead of sheer passion. So when he slid himself into you again, his forehead was pressed against yours, lips curving up into an innocent smile. “I never want to let you go,” he chuckled between tiny moans. “I want to stay just like this with you, forever.”

“I don’t think it’s physically possible,” you giggled, raking your nails down his spine and he arched his back in response.

“Wouldn’t it be great if we could stay connected like this all the time, though?” Donghyuck broke away, sitting on his heels as he rested one of your legs on his shoulder. His fingers were kneading the skin of your thigh, hugging your leg close to his chest as he rocked his hips slowly, savoring every moment. “I mean, ah, doesn’t this feel good?”

You nibbled at your lip, sighing. Good was an understatement but you weren’t sure you could find a term to perfectly define how amazing he felt around you. From where you laid on the bed, you could take a good look at Donghyuck’s eyes—the way they drooped slightly, clouded with both affection and infatuation every time they met yours. How the muscles in his abs were flexing with every movement. The sinful, obscene sway of his hips. The little smirk that broke on his face when you accidentally moaned his name too loud—Donghyuck was... Beautiful. Irresistible. Sexy.

“Baby?” Donghyuck called, chuckling softly as he peppered open-mouthed kisses to your ankle that made you stare in a haze. “You okay down there?”

You pursed your lips. “Just enjoying the view.”

“Yeah?” He brought your leg down so he could fall back into your arms, mouth meeting your jawline before it moved to playfully bite the tip of your nose. “Well, I’ve got something else you could also enjoy.”

You hummed, trying your best to contain your moan when he suddenly brought his fingers down to rub against your clit. “And what’s that?” Though by the way he slammed his hips harder against yours served as an obvious answer.

“Some caramel pudding,” he answered, nipping against your neck as he grinned, careful enough not to leave any marks. “They’re in the fridge. You’ll love them.”

It was hard to focus when he kept hitting the spot that made you curl your toes. “Hyuck...” You pushed a loose strand of his hair behind his ear before you caressed his cheek. “I love you.”

His movements stopped, eyes peering into yours, stunned at first, then melted into something softer than the breath of summer. “I love you too.” His lips never left yours as they spoke each loving word with more sentimentality and less urgency. “And happy birthday, baby...”

When both of you had no strength left but to cuddle in each other’s arms, you gathered the courage to ask once more. “Hyuck?”

“Hmm?”

“I still want to know, after all. About what happened to you earlier. You looked so distraught—I can’t rest before I know what upsets you.”

Donghyuck’s fingers stopped momentarily from carding through your strands but with a heavy sigh, he surrendered.

It was his first relationship with his first love, back when he was sixteen. They were together for four years but knew each other for ten. She was a close friend that grew into something more. Even loving words didn’t need to be exchanged as they could practically finish each other’s thoughts. You felt a pang of jealousy gnawing at you from the inside, at the thought of him having someone so important in his life—someone who had stayed with him longer than you’d met him—someone whose name couldn’t be spoken as it triggered too many emotions.

But for the sake of understanding him, you cast your jealousy aside, no matter how much it hurt.

Donghyuck’s voice had lost its usual cheeriness when he reminisced his past. By the time they graduated high school, she decided to continue her study in Japan. Donghyuck let her go, supporting her plans and dreams like the perfect boyfriend that he was. They were committed to each other, faithful to one another. Donghyuck never doubted her, not even once.

Until one day, during a summer break, he decided to pay her a visit. He bought airplane tickets with the money he’d saved up for months, along with a thoughtful gift for her birthday. But the second he saw her opening the door to her apartment, he realized that she wasn’t alone.

She was never alone. He was.

“Why are you here?” She asked, as if his presence was a bother. Him, the man whom she claimed she’d loved with her entire soul for the last four years. The man whom she had made love to on his bed just six months earlier. Donghyuck would never forget the look she had on her face that day.

“It’s funny how you’ve been with this person your whole life,” Donghyuck breathily said, eyes locked to the ceiling. “And you thought you knew them like the back of your hand and then one day, they betrayed you in the way you thought they were incapable of doing.”

You couldn’t find your voice, blending in with the silence of the room.

But he didn’t hate her, Donghyuck confessed. He hated himself. He hated how stupid—how innocent and gullible he was. He hated how easily he let someone else carry his heart around and let them do whatever they want with it. He knew that she wouldn’t have the power to destroy him, if he didn’t give her the chance. Maybe, if his thoughts weren’t as clouded by his feelings, he would’ve noticed the little sighs she made whenever he told her he loved her. He would’ve noticed the way she sounded much brighter when she talked about her life instead of their lives together during their late-night calls. He would’ve noticed how distant she sounded whenever she spoke his name, as if it was just another meaningless word and not the one that she used to murmur in short gasps near his ear.

And maybe if I hadn’t fallen in love...

Donghyuck fell mute for a few seconds as if he was drifted to another time and space. The hurting look on his face was so vivid that it broke you just by seeing it. Attempting to wash the pain away, you placed a hand on his cheek and Donghyuck grew rigid once before he melted into smiles, leaning into your touch.

“I had to stay for a whole week in a country I didn’t know because I couldn’t refund my ticket. All alone, since my girlfriend cheated on me and didn’t even care to apologize about it,” he murmured against your palm, still sounding bitter but with more ease. “So yeah, I probably have some trust issues now because of that.” He tried to laugh it off. “But it’s all right. I don’t care. I have you now, right?” He laid on his side, facing you with a boyish smile that made your heart race just a little bit faster. “I’m starting on a new page with you. And as long as you’re here with me, I’m the happiest man in the world.”

You reflected his smile though your heart was unsettled. “You’re lame.”

“Excuse me, I’m in love,” he corrected, pouting. But when his hand found yours, his expression grew tender again. Kissing each of your fingertips, he murmured, “We’ll always be together, right? Promise you won’t do that to me, ‘cause I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

He knew what loving you could cost him, but you were different. And he was different. He wouldn’t fall into the same trap. He knew how to protect himself this time. So he allowed himself to love you just as much, if not more, moving on but never forget.

Your eyes were focusing on the way he brought your index finger between his lips, the tip pressing against his hot tongue. “Yes,” you softly whispered, hooking a finger around his silver necklace, pulling him in for a kiss. “We’ll always be together.”

So when you received a job promotion a year later, you didn’t know what to say to him. It was your dream job, finally achieving that position after practically hanging on for dear life for five years working in the company. The salary exceeded your expectation, and you would be working under a senior that you admired. The company would pay for all your living expenses, give you your own flat to live with a balcony where you could see the sun rising behind the skyscrapers. It all sounded so perfect. Too perfect.

Except for the part where you had to move to another country that stood three thousand miles from where he was.

You knew you should’ve said something to Donghyuck the first time your director broke the news to you. But you couldn’t as you didn’t know how. During the three years of your relationship, both of you had avoided talking about matters that could lead to fights, only allowing yourselves to discuss trivial, daily things that would make the other pout in annoyance but not fury. The first time you noticed this happened, was when both of you became too busy dealing with your own lives. You had your job to think about, while Donghyuck had his thesis to work on and there wasn’t much time to focus on each other even when you were staying in the same room.

Donghyuck often released his stress by nuzzling his nose against your neck, pulling you into his lap, whispering, “I miss you,” and you reciprocated each time with a kiss but you both stopped before it got too much, with you patting his cheek, apologizing to him with both words and your eyes, “I’m sorry, but I have a Zoom meeting in an hour so I really need to get my presentation done.”

He just sighed, pressing a tiny kiss between your eyebrows. “Well then, I’m gonna go catch some sleep. Don’t work too hard.”

And as he walked to the bedroom, closing the door behind him, leaving you alone in his living room, you realized the distance that grew between you. He used to look back, peeking his head through the door, saying, “Would it really kill you to just join me for, like, fifteen minutes? I’ll be fast, I swear,” which you would answer with a laugh, assuming he was joking. “Why are you laughing? I’m serious!”

Now, he doesn’t even stop to say good night.

You knew you could fix it—he knew he could fix it too—but none of you ever said anything about it, afraid that it would trigger something bigger that neither of you wouldn’t be able to fix.

It didn’t mean that you didn’t try. Every weekend, you would commit yourself fully for him and Donghyuck would accept your unspoken apology with all his heart. You once attempted to drop some clues about your promotion during dinner when he made you your favorite dish, grinning from ear-to-ear as he waited for your reaction. Donghyuck’s Spaghetti Aglio e olio never disappointed you, but you know your words would. So when he was smiling at you, his thumb gliding along your knuckles as he took your hand in his, how could you tell him?

I just need more time to prepare myself. To find a better way to explain.

But before you could find your words, Donghyuck found your promotion letter.

“What is this?” He asked to your horror, body leaning against the doorframe, your letter in his hand.

The maroon dress you were trying to fold fell from your lap as you stood up abruptly, eyes widening in shock. “That’s—where did you get—”

“What is this?”

“It’s...” You trembled. “My promotion letter.”

“Are you planning to tell me about it?” He wasn’t shouting, didn’t even raise his voice, but to your ears, his voice was thunderous.

You fidgeted, fingers fisting the hemline of your shirt, desperate for comfort. “Of course, I—” But there were no words. Your brain was too jumbled to find a proper excuse. So when Donghyuck just lowered his gaze, eyes growing colder, and left the room, you could only call out his name.

He only stopped in his tracks when you grasped his wrist. “Did you say yes to this?” His voice was quiet, eerily so, that it sent shivers down your spine.

You nibbled at your bottom lip. “I was—”

“Yes or no?”

He only allowed you to choose, not explain. With a deep breath, you mumbled out, “Yes.”

There was a moment of silence where you could only hear your stuttered breathing but none of his. “Three months,” he murmured, voice deep and hoarse that you barely recognized it. “The letter is three months old. You had all this time to tell me.”

Panic was bubbling up your chest. “I was going to tell you but—”

The rest of your words died instantly the second Donghyuck slammed the letter on the dining table. Without another word, he stomped off to the front door, grabbing his coat.

“Wait!” You chased after his trails, knees wobbling. “Where are you—”

The door was shut close with a bang.

No matter how many times you tried to call him, he never answered. The only thing you could do was stay in his apartment and waited until he came back to his senses. Now that you were alone in the living room, you began to notice just how much of your belongings were positioned in every corner of his apartment. Your toothbrush was next to his, your clothes were hanging inside his wardrobe, your favorite books were on his shelf, and the walls were painted with more photographs of you than his own. In every picture, you could see yourself smiling in his arms, laughing at something he did or said because that was it, wasn’t it? Donghyuck was the only one who could make you smile so freely, without a care in the world.

So why are we in this position?

It was your first big fight and you had no one to blame but yourself. Hours had passed by and tears began to well from how frustrated you were with yourself, but the front door flung open before they could outline your cheeks.

“Hyuck,” you called out, heart breaking at the sound of his name. Donghyuck’s hair was ruffled by the wind, his nose and cheeks reddening from the cold night air. His hands were in his coat’s pockets, his eyes hiding behind his bangs as he kicked his shoes away. He walked past you as if you weren’t there, heading straight to the bedroom.

Judging from the scent and his droopy eyes, you knew he had been drinking. “Are you okay?”

No answer. He took his coat off, throwing it to the bed, along with his phone—which was clearly functional as always. You had expected him to dismiss your calls, but it still hurt being ignored.

Eyebrows knitting in concern, you went to the kitchen to make him a cup of coffee, hoping that a little caffeine would ease the tension as it was something you were both fond of. You stopped to catch your breath, noticing that it was one in the morning.

What should I do?

“Hyuck…” You carefully said, voice quieter than usual as you walked into the bedroom and closed the door behind you. “I’ve made you some coffee. It’ll help warm you up.”

Donghyuck was sitting at the edge of the bed, his phone in his hands, blatantly ignoring you.

“Can we…” You hesitated, fingers curling into tiny balls of fists. “Can we talk..?”

But the silence was deafening.

“Hyuck—”

“What?!” He suddenly roared, making you take a step back, flinching. “What do you want to talk about?”

“I…” You swallowed your breath. “I know you’re upset about me leaving and I’m sorry—”

“Oh, so now you want to talk about this? After I found out about your letter?” Donghyuck didn’t wait for your response. “I can’t believe you’ve been keeping this a secret from me! What else are you not telling me?”

Heart dropping to the stomach, you weakly replied, “Nothing, just... I was going to tell you—”

“Yeah? When, exactly?” Donghyuck stood up, throwing his phone to the bed. “When you’re about to go? When you’re about to disappear from my life just like her?”

Being put in the same position as the person who tore his heart to pieces was both sickening and infuriating. “Of course not, I won’t do that to you! I won’t leave you—”

“But that’s all that everybody fucking said!” He threw his hands in the air. “That’s what she said when—”

“Well, I’m not her!” The booming sound of your voice startled you both, but it grew weak in comparison when the eerie silence followed. “Hyuck, you can’t blame me for what she did. I’m not her. I’m not her replacement. Don’t compare me with her.”

For a moment, Donghyuck’s lips were pressed tightly until they grew white. “I never compared you with her,” he said through gritted teeth. “Not until now when you’re doing the same thing, saying the exact same thing to me.”

You cowered slightly under his gaze. The sound of the ticking clock had never felt so loud when you fought for words to say. “It’s my dream job, Hyuck. I’ve been waiting all my life to get this position.”

“Congratulations.” He scoffed, clenching his jaw. “I’m so glad you get what you wanted.”

“You don’t have to force yourself to say words you don’t mean.”

He clicked his tongue in vexation. “Yeah, well, I would’ve meant them, if you had told me about this sooner.”

“I wasn’t able to tell you because I thought you’d be upset about it—”

“Well, I suppose, postponing it until we’re counting days till your leave is going to make me feel fucking elated, isn’t that right, Sweetheart?” There had never been a day where you thought his adorable, warm laughter could turn into something so spiteful. “Let me guess. You’re leaving in like, what, a month?”

You rubbed your tears away before they fell. “Six weeks.”

“Oh, that makes everything so much better! Six weeks!” He cynically laughed, throwing his head back. “You know what? You’re right. I’m so happy. Never been this fucking happy in my whole goddamn life—”

“What do you want me to do?!” The frustration that welled inside your chest finally broke through your lips. “You want me to turn back time so I could tell you right after I heard the news three months ago?”

Donghyuck averted his gaze, his hand going to his head, pulling at his hair roots. “I just don’t understand why if this is so important to you—and if I’m so important to you—why don’t you talk this out with me? Don’t you care about what I think? About how I’d feel?”

Tears were running faster than you could wipe them off your cheeks. “I couldn’t find the right time to tell you.” You choked out. “ And you were busy working on your final thesis too, I didn’t want to bother you—”

“That’s your excuse?!” he gasped in disbelief. “I don’t fucking care about my thesis. I care about you! And you knew how I felt about this—about being in a long-distance relationship—"

“That was the reason why I was waiting for the right time until—“

“Until you can tell me that you’re leaving.” He sighed, massaging the bridge of his nose. “Look, I’m tired and we’re going in circles. Why are we even discussing this when you’ve made the decision all by yourself.”

Embittered, you asked, “Do you want me to choose between you and my career?”

“No. I don’t.” He finally peered into your eyes, and you could see how there was not as much anger as sadness that emerged in his eyes. “But I’m making my own decision.” When you frowned in confusion, Donghyuck looked away, staring at the wall that was filled with memories as he spoke. “I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

“What?” It felt like the world was swallowing you whole. “What did you say?”

Exchanging stares with you, Donghyuck appeared more weary than furious. “I just don’t see how this is going to work.”

“You’re drunk.” You reasoned out, both in efforts to calm him down and to wash the fear away from your chest. “You won’t be saying any of this if you were sober.”

Donghyuck’s eyes grew colder. “If that’s what makes you sleep at night, sure. Go ahead and think that way.”

Dread was coursing through your veins, making you feel terrified of what was coming. “Wait,” you almost pleaded, “We need to talk about this.”

“I think we’ve talked enough.”

“Can’t we at least try—”

“I can’t.” The confession escaped his lips, his eyes were heartbroken, as if it was you who was breaking up with him and not the other way around. “You know I can’t do this. I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes. I don’t want to be that guy who constantly gets suspicious or overly protective of you because of my past. It won’t be fair to you.”

“I don’t care if you’re being unfair,” you replied shakily, “I just don’t want us to end what we have now.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.” His voice grew softer. “If we continue this, I know I’ll end up saying things I never mean to say. With three thousand miles between us, how often do you think we can see each other? With you being so busy with your new job, how often can we speak?” But the bitterness in his voice came alive when he added, “We could barely do that when we were in the same room before.”

“It’s about that..?” Realization washed over you like a wave. “Why didn’t you say anything before?”

“Same reason as you,” he replied, “To protect our relationship. That’s what we always do, isn’t it? Pretending everything is fine when it’s not?”

“Hyuck, I’ve tried my best to spend time with you... I thought you’d understand that I have a job—”

“You’re right, but unlike you, I don’t.” Donghyuck weakly smiled. “I don’t have anything going on with my life except you. I don’t even know if I can graduate in time. But you’ve achieved so much. You’re only a few years older than me and yet you’ve already had everything figured out, and I admire you for that.” His words sounded sincere but it only tore your heart open even more. Donghyuck walked closer, his fingers pushing the bangs out of your eyes like the way he used to do but it didn’t feel the same. “You’re already perfect the way you are now. You don’t need me in your life.”

“No.” The desperation was so thick in your voice, that it made you wince but not regret. “You’re wrong, you—There’s not a day where I don’t need you, Hyuck. I want you to stay with me. Come with me. We still have time.”

You don’t mean that. Donghyuck brought his head down, unable to meet your eyes. If you did, you would’ve told me about this sooner. “And then what?” he sighed, sounding so tired. “What am I going to do if I come with you? I haven’t even finished my study, let alone having a job.”

“You can find one in—”

“In a country where I can’t even speak the language?” He bitterly smiled. “I doubt it. I’m not gonna let you pay for my needs—”

“Then, I’ll make some time for you, I promise. Better this time.” Your fingernails were sinking into your palms from how tightly you curled them. “No matter how far we are from each other, I’ll call you every day.”

“I don’t want that.” His words were laced with frustration. “I don’t want you to force yourself to do something for me. And I don’t want to spend my nights imagining whether you’re spending yours with someone else.”

“You...” You were so quiet, you wondered if he could hear you properly. “You don’t trust me?”

But Donghyuck shook his head, gaze softening. “I do. I just don’t trust myself.”

Your mind turned into a blank slate, unable to form a word. Donghyuck’s breathing tattered a little when he exhaled, walking to his wardrobe to pick out some clothes. “I’m gonna go stay at Mark’s for the weekend. Feel free to take out your stuff. Just drop the keys at the lobby when you’re finished.”

You stood still, frozen. It almost felt like a heart attack from the way your heart was hammering against your ribcages. “I don’t want to lose you, Hyuck,” you quietly professed, “I thought we could work this out...”

Donghyuck’s movements were put to a halt, just for a couple of seconds, before he continued shoving his clothes down his bag.

You stood on the side as he walked past you, his natural sandalwood scent had disappeared, buried under the amount of alcohol he’d consumed. “So, this is it…?” You fretted. “For us..?”

Donghyuck stopped walking, glancing at you from over his shoulder. “It’s better for both of us, don’t you think?”

But he didn’t wait to hear your answer.

When you dared to appear at his front door six weeks later, it was the night before your departure. He hadn’t called, hadn’t sent you a single text, as if he was a ghost, only living in your imagination. But knowing it was your last chance to see him, you decided to take the first step.

Donghyuck was wearing the same navy blue knitted sweater that he wore the first time you told him you loved him. You remembered how startled he was back then, unsure of what to say as he was afraid to love someone else after knowing how it felt to have his heart shattered to pieces. That time, he only responded with a hug and a small “Thank you.” As you laid in his arms later that night, you spent every second with your eyes closed but your thoughts awake, trying to figure out why won’t he say it back?

But when you left for work early on the next morning, one arm holding an umbrella over your head to protect you from the morning showers, Donghyuck was chasing after you in the same knitted sweater, his hair messy from sleep but soon be drenched by the rain.

“I love you too!” he shouted, breathlessly, both from running and the rush of adrenaline that pumped through his veins.

You turned around, eyes wide in astonishment, though you didn’t catch his words. “What—” You were about to run so you could shelter him from the rain, but Donghyuck reached your spot faster than you could reach his. “What are you doing? Why didn’t you take an umbrella with you?” You dropped your handbag to the ground, not caring if it got wet from the rain as you focused more on the man who was shivering in front of you. You rubbed his arm up and down before cupping his face. “You’re shivering.”

“I’m fine. I just have something to say before you go.” He broke into a tender smile, pressing his palm against the back of your hand. “I’m sorry I didn’t say it back last night. I was afraid. Being in love with someone means you’re giving your heart for them to hold or to crush and I didn’t want to go through that pain again but—” He stepped closer, his temple nearly touching yours as he brought his head down. “I love you. I want you to know that I love you too. I don’t want to lie to myself anymore and I don’t care what’s gonna happen in the future. I just love you, so much, that both my heart and my head feel like they’re going to burst.”

And you could only stare, dumbstruck and in awe.

“Say something, please?” He begged, cold fingers caressing your cheek. “Otherwise, I might have to crawl into a hole and die from shame.”

You chuckled lightly, overwhelmed by the sheer happiness that washed over you. “I love you too.”

He seemed so relieved, almost as much as you were, and he twisted his fingers around your strands, chasing after your lips. The kiss was sweeter than honey but knowing him, even the sweetest kiss emitted so much passion, it left you breathless.

“I’m sorry, I know you gotta go to work,” he said, slightly pushing you away before his emotions defeated him once more and he slanted his lips against yours in a more frenzied manner. “God, I know you have to go,” he whispered between needy kisses. “But just—one more—”

When he finally had the strength to break apart from you, his eyes were conflicted, his thumb caressing your cheek, and Donghyuck wetted his already glistened lip as he stared at yours. “Must you go? I want to be with you today.”

It didn’t matter that the two of you just spent the entire weekend together. No amount of time would be enough to satisfy your needs for each other’s touch. So you answered him with your lips meeting his in a frantic kiss, casting your umbrella aside and it didn’t matter that it was cold, with big droplets of rain easily drenching you from head to toe, because Donghyuck was always ready to warm you up.

“Then take me home, Lee Donghyuck.”

But you realized as he tugged you back into his arms, soft lips pressing against your temple, you were already home.

Now… That memory felt like a fantasy, one that you could only dream of having.

“I…” You couldn’t meet his eyes. “I just wanted to get the books I left on your shelf.”

He didn’t say a word, only stepping to the side to give you some space to enter. A month had passed by since he broke up with you, and his apartment still smelled delightfully like him, but instead of making you feel joy, it broke your heart even harder.

“It’s in my room,” he said, all stern with no warmth like he used to have. You nodded, making your way to his bedroom. When you closed the bedroom door behind you, hot tears were about to spill and you tried your best not to be suffocated with the memories of the nights where you used to share your feelings with him, bodies tangled underneath the sheets, lips carving marks on each other’s skins.

You couldn’t breathe.

By the time you managed to collect yourself, you came out of his room with two of your books in your hands while you left ten more on his shelf. You didn’t need any of them. It was only a poor excuse for you to see his eyes once more before you bid your final farewell.

“I made you some coffee,” he said, leaning against the coffee table. “It’s cold outside so…”

You weakly smiled. “Thank you.”

You used to spend hours chattering behind a few cups of coffee, talking about the things that mattered and things that didn’t because everything felt special when you shared them with someone you loved.

But today, every sip of your coffee sounded louder than your voice as no words were shared.

You said you care

And you missed me too

And I'm well aware I write too many songs about you

“How are you?”

“I’m doing great,” he answered formally. It’s funny how he didn’t need spiteful words to hurt you. The absence of his affection in his sentences was more than enough to strangle you.

“Are you… still writing lyrics for Mark’s songs these days?”

“No. I’m busy these days.”

“Oh… With your thesis?”

“Sure.”

Donghyuck didn’t tell you the truth. Didn’t tell you how many papers had been written, scratched, discarded just so he could deal with the thoughts of you. Didn’t tell you the words he wrote about your pretty eyes, your pretty smiles, your kindness, your passion, your everything.

The reason why he let you go was because he knew, you would probably stay with him if he’d asked the question. He didn’t want you to have any regrets. Didn’t want you to choose him because you felt like you had no other way.

It felt like you betrayed him when you kept it a secret for months.

What else will you keep from me, if you can’t even tell me you’re leaving? Will you keep it a secret when you no longer love me the way you used to? Will you keep it a secret when you find someone new, someone better, someone who can stay to wipe your tears and hold you in their arms while I’m three thousand miles away from you? Will you pretend like everything is fine, when we’re straying further away from each other every day?

In Donghyuck’s mind, he thought you’d be better on your own. At such a young age, you managed to chase after your dreams while he was still unsure of what he wanted to have in the future. To him, you were always a step ahead. And tomorrow, you’d be taking your first step to another place where he wouldn’t have the strength to follow.

His thoughts about you were never-ending. And he wrote so much, poured every feeling down to papers, that now as you stood before him in person, there were no more words left to be said and he could only reply your sentences with silence.

And the coffee's out

At the Beachwood Cafe

And it kills me 'cause I know we've run out of things we can say

“I’ll be leaving tomorrow,” you eventually said and Donghyuck glanced at you from behind his bangs, but never stayed for a second longer.

He knew. Of course, he did. He had been counting the days, dreading every second of it. “Take care of yourself,” he responded in a way a stranger would say to another stranger at the end of their brief meeting. “Good luck with your job. I’m sure you’ll be fine, Noona.”

Noona... He didn’t even want to call you by your name or the sweet terms he’d once associated with you. You were truly strangers now.

“Thanks.” You forced yourself to smile, nails sinking into your thighs as you brought your hands to your lap. “You too. Don’t forget to take your breakfast every day. You always skip it.”

It was your job to remind him, who used to serve fried eggs and toasts on his plate and maybe Donghyuck remembered that too because he brought his head down, and simply replied with a hum.

When you took your leave, you handed him a note to your new address. “Just… Come visit whenever you’re in the country. I’d love to show you around.” It sickened you how formal you sounded, but you couldn’t say it any other way.

When Donghyuck took the note, your fingers brushed against his, it almost seemed like the time stopped, just for a little, and he wanted to pull you into his embrace, to tell you how much he’d been missing you the same way you’d been missing him. To tell you how much he wanted to be selfish, to have you choose him over everything in your life because that was how you meant to him. You were everything to him.

Just like how you are to me.

So when he dropped his hand, tucking it inside his pocket, you knew it was really over. Finally, the word goodbye took its true form.

And I get the feeling that you’ll never need me again.

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haunted-medievalist · 3 years

Text

tag game time!

i was tagged by the lovely @contre-qui, with the aim of tagging nine people to learn about their interests - i'm unlikely to find that many people myself but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it! going under the cut because this is a pretty long(ish) one.

music!

fave genre a little bit of everything but right now especially medieval folk & pop rock

fave artist a strange mixture of måneskin, kraftklub, siames, cavetown, and rainbow kitten surprise

fave song hard choice, but probably 'brothers' by siames & eddy capparelli

most listened to song recently either 'coraline' by måneskin or 'king orfeo' from the child ballads

song currently stuck in your head 'happy pills' by weathers

five fave lyrics oh boy, this is gonna take some thought.

"called to the devil and the devil said / hey! why you been calling this late? / it's like 2a.m. and the bars all close at ten in hell, that's a rule i made / anyway, you say you're too busy saving everybody else to save yourself / and you don't want no help, oh well / that's the story to tell" ('it's called: freefall' by rainbow kitten surprise)

"today i coo, today i caw / i have a pistol party and i kill 'em all / i think i might be scared / of the man and the men with their hands inside / and the women, oh, the women all they do is cry / and i, well i lose my mind" ('little pistol' by mother mother)

"so did you pack your bag, or did somebody pack it for you? / take me to the sad, sad party that you're bound to / whether you're a 'have-not' or a 'have', i got a question / are you living dead, or is this some kind of possession?' ('blast doors' by everything everything)

"but what if i run out of fertiliser? / what if the clouds run out of rain? what if lemon boy won't grow no longer? what if beaches dry of sugar cane?" ('lemon boy' by cavetown)

"now they tell you that you're their muse / yeah, they're so inspired / but where were they when they called your name / and they lit the fire? / when the voices came, you cut your hair / but you're stilled confused" ('joan of arc' by arcade fire)

books!

fave book genre fantasy all the way

fave writer bernardine evaristo, leigh bardugo, madeline miller

fave book oh dear, here we go. 'circe' by madeline miller, 'six of crows' and 'crooked kingdom' by leigh bardugo, 'girl, woman, other' by bernardine evaristo, 'good omens' by neil gaiman & terry pratchett, 'the raven cycle' series by maggie stiefvater, 'oranges are not the only fruit' by jeanette winterson, and a whole lot of old norse literature of dubious authorship (but especially 'gisla saga' and 'hrafnkels saga freysgoða', and pretty much all of the eddic poems in the volsung cycle)

fave book series it's a tie between leigh bardugo's grishaverse novels and maggie stiefvater's 'the raven cycle'

comfort book 'the secret kingdom' by jenny nimmo

rainy day book any of my norse books, sagas or poetry

fave characters nina zenik in the grishaverse, ronan lynch in 'the raven cycle', gisli in 'gisla saga' (not sure if that counts as a character or historical figure, dependent on perspective...?), and circe in, y'know, 'circe'

five quotes from your fave books?

"i thought once that gods are the opposite of death, but i see now they are more dead than anything, for they are unchanging, and can hold nothing in their hands" ('circe' by madeline miller)

"'spreader of swords, it is your own sons' / corpse-bloody hearts you've chewed up with honey, / proud man, you've consumed dead men's meat, / eating it as ale-dainties, sending it to the high seat' [...] with the point of a blade she gave the bed a bloody drink, / with a hel-keen hand, and set the dogs free; / she woke the servants, and in front of the hall-door / she flung a burning brand: she paid them back for her brothers. / to the fire she gave everyone who was inside, / who'd come from myrkheim after murdering gunnar and his men; / the ancient timbers fell, the temples smoked, / the buildings burned of budli's kin, and the shield-maids inside; / their lives stemmed, sinking into hot flames." (gudrun avenges her brother in 'atlakviða', a poem in the old norse poetic and elder eddas)

"you aren't a flower, you're every blossom in the wood blooming at once. you are a tidal wave. you're a stampede. you are overwhelming." ('crooked kingdom' by leigh bardugo)

"from the passenger seat, ronan began to swear at adam. it was a long, involved swear, using every forbidden word possible, often in compound-word form. as adam stared at his lap, penitent, he mused that there was something musical about the ronan when he swore, a careful and loving precision to the way he fit the words together, a black-painted poetry. it was far less hateful sounding than when he didn't swear." ('the raven cycle' by maggie stiefvater)

"but where was god now, with heaven full of astronauts, and the lord overthrown? i miss god. i miss the company of someone utterly loyal. i still don't think of god as my betrayer. the servants of god, yes, but servants by their very nature betray. i miss god who was my friend. i don't even know if god exists, but i do know that if god is your emotional role model, very few human relationships will match up to it. i have an idea that one day it might be possible, i thought once it had become possible, and that glimpse has set me wandering, trying to find the balance between earth and sky. if the servants hadn't rushed in and parted us, i might have been disappointed, might have snatched off the white samite to find a bowl of soup." ('oranges are not the only fruit' by jeanette winterson)

tv and movies!

fave tv/movie genre fantasy, travel/road trip & comedy

fave movie the secret life of walter mitty, supernova, any and all ghibli films, scott pilgrim vs. the world, lord of the rings, the how to train your dragon trilogy

comfort movie the lion king (original), how to train your dragon, from up on poppy hill, kiki's delivery service

movie you watch every year elf, howl's moving castle, love simon

fave tv show she-ra and the princesses of power, skam, bee and puppycat (i guess more of a web series than a tv show?), adventure time, the it crowd

comfort tv show adventure time

most rewatched tv show skam, every october without fail

five favourite characters catra (she-ra and the princesses of power), sana (skam original), marceline (adventure time), moss (the it crowd), inej (shadow and bone netflix adaptation)

tagging (absolutely no pressure, this is a pretty long one!): @crowcaves, @the-obsidian-soul, @natscbi, @somehowmags, @gabrilearnelle, @clockwords, @starsspace... and that's it, that's as close to nine as i'm getting, but if anyone else just feels like doing it then feel free to consider yourself tagged!

#tag game #long post #tysm for the tag!!!!

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