Email I wrote to my mother at 12.15am.

So, I am posting this email because I have been meaning to post literally anything to my blog since my last post and I just haven’t been able to but I just got this service called Magic Personal Assistant and it really is magical if in nothing else but it takes off so much pressure in knowing that I don’t have to do everything by myself and I will have professional help that will definitely get. things. done.

My mother and I obviously have a complicated relationship. Everybody has a complicated relationship with their mother. But I think I can confidently say that this my relationship with my mom is ….just extra. We are working on getting to know each other better, on being patient with each other, on being there for each other in new ways, on being honest and forthcoming in our communications, on giving each other space where space is needed, on turning the other cheek when we disapprove of what the other is doing, on learning to like each other instead of just love each other, on not giving up on each other and never speaking again.

What I’d like to suggest to anyone who wants to say something to their mother but hasn’t been able to thus far in life, try: just blurting it out, writing it out in a text and having your loved one press the send button, writing it out longhand so you can burn it afterward, writing it out to an email to me: [email protected].

Here’s the email:

hey momma. estoy usando el servicio de terapia por mensajes que te estaba diciendo de el otro dia. es para poder mensajiar con un terapista pero 24/7 enves de solo una vez por semana. no se preocupe. no voy a dejar de ver a Alexine cada semana. es solo que me gustaría poder hablar con un profesional cuando tengo esos ataques de ansiedad. y cuando tengo los flashbacks (las memorias que me toman por sorpresa y siento que estoy en ellas en ese momento y no puedo ver lo que en realidad está pasando enfrente de mi)

ellos me recomendaron que consiguiera un servicio de paga-como-por-minuto para ayudarme con las cosas de dia a dia que yo no puedo hacer en este momento por la depri. (depresion) cosas como llamar para cambiar mi dirección con USPS, cancelar un servicio, llamar y hacerme las citas con los doctores que necesito hacer pero no hago porque estoy muy preocupada de costo(o si vale la pena ir o s voy a poder ir o si voy a poder ir con alguien no sola et cetera. pierdo como dos hora pensando de todo lo que puede ir mal y nunca llamo hacer la puta cita.), ellos hacen eso con acceso a mi google calendar. y tambien me pueden ayudar con "calendar management" que significa que ellos pueden hacerme un calendario para el dia con tiempos para poder estar mas organizada en lo que tengo que hacer en el dia, y tambien me pueden ayudar con poner productos de venta en etsy/ebay/amazon. solo les mando las fotos de producto(y los detalles -precio,cantidad,colores,etcétera- y ellos se encargan del resto. TAMBIÉN pueden hacer edito de videos y audio y gramática en los artículos que quiero escribir. básicamente me pueden ayudar todo lo que yo no puedo hacer en este momento porque estoy tratando de mantenerme tranquila y positiva para no pensar de cuantas ganas tengo de matarme hoy porque hoy me parece como un dia indicado y excelente para dejar de existir y estoy exhausta de tener que estar peleando todos esos pensamientos y también tener que acordarme de cambiar mi dirección en con USPS.

Use tu tarjeta. Por favor, me dices si es mucho y te lo pago de vuelta. Tengo la plata es solo una ayuda para no preocuparme del costo de conseguir ayuda también. Te quiero. gracias por todo lo que haces por mi.

Translation

Through the Blessed Google Translate -The tool that has helped countless bilingual lil people like me get by in this spanglish world:

hey momma. I am using the message therapy service I was telling you about the other day. It is to be able to message with a therapist but 24/7 only once a week. do not worry. I will not stop seeing Alexine every week. I just wish I could talk to a professional when I have those anxiety attacks. and when I have the flashbacks (the memories that take me by surprise and I feel that I am in them at that moment and I can't see what is really happening in front of me)

They recommended that I get a pay-as-per-minute service to help me with the day-to-day things that I cannot do right now because of the depression. (depression) things like calling to change my address with USPS, cancel a service, call and make appointments with the doctors I need to do but I don't do it because I am very worried about cost (or if it is worth going I will be able to go or if I'm going to be able to go with someone not alone and cetera, I lose about two hours thinking about everything that can go wrong and I never call the fucking date.), they do that with access to my google calendar. and they can also help me with "calendar management" which means that they can make me a calendar for the day with times to be more organized in what I have to do on the day, and they can also help me with putting sales products on etsy / ebay / amazon. I just send them the product photos (and the details - price, quantity, colors, etc.) and they take care of the rest. They can also edit videos and audio and grammar in the articles I want to write. They can basically help me with everything that I can't do right now because I'm trying to stay calm and positive so as not to think about how much I want to kill myself today because today seems like an indicated and excellent day to stop existing and I'm exhausted from having to fight all those thoughts and also having to remember to change my address in with USPS.

I Used your card Please, tell me if it's a lot and I'll pay it back. I have the money is just a help to not worry about the cost of getting help too. I love you Thanks for everything you do for me.

I am moving.

I am moving. I am moving. I am moving. I am moving.

I'm moving away from this place my mom built for me and just me in which I used to live in the apartment above it and tried to kill myself at the thought of continuing to go on being so involved with my family.

I bathed in a bathtub close to the one that I almost bled out in.

In my hallway is the memory of the biggest yelling / discussion my mother and I have ever had that resulted in the imaginable being offered "if you don't want to, you don't ever have to see my husband again." Every time I pass from room to room I have to fight the memory of having to explain to my mother that 6 year olds can't give consent to grown men no matter what the situation.

Here these things that have been built for me reek of him. He put these walls up and installed the microwave that pulled out his back. He was in bed two weeks for that.

My mom painted these concrete floors herself in the middle of the night in a frenzy after work because she refused to ask for help. Rose and I were upstairs the whole time. We thought she was just doing minor things around the unbuilt apartment.

I live behind the family that loves my abuser and has for years. The kids are growing up and I hope to one day explain my distance from them. But it's not them. It's their parent.

I wish I could reach out to them and tell them all the truth. But I don't want to cause a scene.

This morning I had to wake mo up at 5 am because I had been awake for hours packing up our house because every minute I'm here I have to fight ending my life in desperation to get away from these people that raised me and ended up doing everything my abuser said they would, almost to the letter.

I am moving. I'm moving. We're moving. I'm getting away.

Step by step I'm getting there. 24 years old and just now starting to really mentally step away. Let it be known that you can always start right where you are. Reach out for help.

Remember Amanda Palmer's The Art Of Asking or her Ted Talk. She spoke and looked into my soul through the screen and her words have gotten me through the worst of times.

In these difficult years, America has suffered from a fever of words; from inflated rhetoric that promises more than it can deliver; from angry rhetoric that fans discontents into hatreds; from bombastic rhetoric that postures instead of persuading. We cannot learn from one another until we stop shouting at one another, until we speak quietly enough so that our words can be heard as well as our voices.

Richard Nixon, former president in 1969 during his inauguration

Funny how this still holds true as ever. We've learned nothing apparently and seem to only scramble towards extremes as time goes on.

Self-help books suck and I hate them. But I need them.

-me