i’m having exu calamity thoughts at midnight.
when the ring of brass meets at the ivy table in the palazzo por’co, it’s mentioned that this is the first replenishment for the ring of brass as a whole. when you consider the age differential of the pcs, this becomes way more interesting
patia was the first--’middle-aged’ for a member of a species that can live over 700 years is probably around 300-400. given patia’s general avalir native energy, i’m going to put her on at the younger side of things. avalir was raised from toramunda 292 years prior to the calamity--i don’t think she would be old enough to remember that. this is a woman who has lived her entire life on avalir, and given it to the city that birthed her. the memory erasure and removal of patia’s parents could have happened within the first 100 years or so of patia’s life, and any alignments with apogee solstices pin it to around her 50-60s. it’s still feasible for patia to have known the raven queen pre-ascension, though i’d put it at young adulthood more than childhood. there really isn’t a good way to give an exact estimate of her age as compared to a human lifespan given that she’s probably been the keeper of scrolls for the city for probably a good century, and the granddaughter of an archmage, the archmage who brought avalir to the skies. it tracks for her to be a member of the ring of silver from her position alone. she’s maintaining the city’s google archives, and setting records (ha!) while doing it.
patia’s theoretical age: 300ish
patia’s human lifespan equivalent: late 30s early 40s. feels older than her peers by a wide margin, for good reason. armed with knowledge, money, and her family’s good name, this kennedy equivalent can only go up from here.
laerryn’s listed age is around 100-150. this is a woman born in the sky with a brain that kept her city there. funnily enough, she could have been born around the last apogee solstice. i’m not saying it happened. i’m just saying that a woman who’s spent her life searching for a way beyond the stars, being born during a confluence of leylines, a major celestial event? maybe not a coincidence. when compared to patia, she’s so young. it’s crazy for her to be both the architect arcane and hierophant abjura. it is unbelievable to me that people could overlook her, but i guess that’s how she cultivated her work. hats off to aabria iyengar for making an extreme prodigy CON wizard who can square up with primordials and win. laerryn is doing an extreme amount of work maintaining the spell engines that keep that city afloat. I’m unsurprised that she gets mad enough to kill the speaker of the fourth, magister micah cormorant, in a single round of fireball and construct slam attacks.
laerryn’s theoretical age: 120ish for apogee solstice lineup. probably older--closer to 130-140.
laerryn’s human lifespan equivalent: around 25, maybe a little older. she’s an elf, but holy shit. this is someone who became an adult a few replenishments ago. she’s girlbossed her way into the heart of this city with a finesse that few can match.
it’s easy to think that for a while it’s just the two of them, but realistically, the ring of brass probably starts being a thing within the last two decades. laerryn would not have been old enough or important enough to rub shoulders with patia socially at least until adulthood. i’m imagining a young laerryn going to the librarium incantatum to find obscure references for her research often enough that they get introduced and strike up a mentorship/friendship.
loquatius is a little tricky. we know he’s around 150 as of exu:c, based on the average fey lifespan of around 300 and the fact that laerryn doesn’t know if he would be alive to see the next apogee solstice. we don’t know when he left the feywild to chase the truth in avalir. but the herald’s tome is well established, and so is he, as the herald of avalir, voice of the council, scribe of crowns. so either he came like 50 years ago and had the time to set it all up himself, or the herald’s tome was already an existing institution. i’m leaning towards the former--he seems like he would have started elsewhere, gotten frustrated, started his own publication, outcompeted everyone else, then turned into the exact thing he didn’t want to become. anyway. this puts him around middle-aged, like patia, so that’s where i’m going to put him. also this gives a nice window of time where he’s working his way up, and a way for him to get introduced to laerryn in a work context where both of them are revolutionaries in their fields.
loquatius’ theoretical age: 150ish.
loquatius’ human lifespan equivalent: late 30s early 40s. this doesn’t matter as much for him either--he’s fey, and wasn’t really operating on human standards anyway.
evandrin is even more difficult, given how much we just don’t know about him. he’s a half elf, so he’s running a little slower than the humans of the party, but not by much. i’d say he’s in his late teens/early 20s when he first meets laerryn, while she’s around 110. this gives them a good window of friendship pre-zerxus & ring of brass. if he was working his way up though the ranks, i could see them becoming friends while she’s working on a spell engine keyed to an alarm system for the chancellor’s guards in her capacity as hierophant abjura. or maybe the chancellor’s guards cause some destruction that she has to deal with as the architect arcane. this would put him at mid-late 20s when he has elias and meets zerxus in cathmoira, and mid-30s when he dies.
evandrin’s theoretical age: late 30s.
evandrin’s human lifespan equivalent: still late 30s as of the eve of the replenishment while he’s in the astral sea. not a huge difference, because half-elves basically just double a human lifespan, but mature at the same rate apparently.
zerxus is canonically 37, so i don’t need to put in any work to know that about him. zerxus, in his early adulthood, is on cathmoira doing some kind of paladin/oracle training that gets him to a level where he’s the runner-up to evandrin for the position of first knight when evandrin passes. maybe the position’s at least a little hereditary. something to think about later. doing a lot of work in terms of physical protection of the city--who needs an army when you’ve got a widowed paladin with a belt of storm giant strength? just let the guy get his grief out and enjoy having a principled first knight instead of fucking kevin.
zerxus’ theoretical age: early 20s when he meets evandrin and elias, ~30 when evandrin dies, and 37 at the eve of the calamity. no need for human lifespan equivalent.
nydas is around the same age, given that they grew up together in cathmoira. we know nydas goes off to be a pirate for a while before coming to the golden scythe and becoming the guildmaster--late teens through early 20s at the very least, and he’s commanding power and respect by the time he properly makes it to the skies. this tracks for when the nasty trifecta would start to meet, and sets a solid foundation for his role as the bank roll for the city of avalir. also someone doing a fuckton of work, but getting more credit for it.
nydas’ theoretical age: mid-late 20s when he gets to avalir and becomes the guildmaster, late 30s by the eve of the calamity. no need for human lifespan equivalent.
cerrit is the last of the bunch to turn up, and for good reason: he’s probably in his early 20s, no older than 25. eisfuura seem to exhibit a marginally different growth pattern than aarakocra--maya and kir are 7 and 5, but for human equivalency, like 14 and 10. a rough doubling makes sense, especially because they do say maya is 14 at one point. so, cerrit is probably like 20-25. rose up through the ranks of the eyes of avalir super quickly because of his keen sense and ability to catch things that others couldn’t. i think it tracks for him and wrayne to have gotten married a little earlier than laerryn and loquatius. also the fact that his lifespan is shorter just makes his absence from his family life more depressing. it’s less time, sure, but more to miss. also it’s very funny that maturity wise he could be older than everyone except for patia but chronologically closer to laerryn’s equivalent age. it’s so funny that laerryn is afraid of a bird that literally just showed up less than a decade ago. and then you see that the bird is terrifying in a fiercely competent kind of way.
also, i think this lends credence to the fact that cerrit has been a little separate from the friendship dynamic of the rest of the group: laerryn & patia are best friends, the seelies have romantic nonsense all the time, laerryn & evandrin were friends, which brought zerxus into the fold, and nydas had connections to both the trouble trio and zerxus. cerrit probably made a connection through patia, and immediately became a moral force. also this sets him up to join post-evandrin, making his friendship with zerxus all the more interesting. anyway.
cerrit’s theoretical age: early 20s--i’ll say 22 for now
cerrit’s human lifespan equivalent: early 40s. this man instantly became the handler for all of these people. my god.
anyway to be at that table is to simultaneously be an extremely overworked millennial and also maybe older than god and/or just old enough to graduate college. very fun and spicy age dynamics that could have been explored more, but i’m happy where they are, as you can see.
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“and the world went away"
The title is from West Side Story. The full song lyric is “I saw you and the world went away.”
I listened to Billie Eilish’s “The End of the World” on repeat while writing this. It fits the theme very well, and I recommend listening while reading.
Exu Calamity spoilers lie ahead! And angst!
WORD COUNT: 1729
XXX
Zerxus is restless.
Sleep is plagued by nightmares, and his waking moments are filled with worry. Anxiety drowns him- he is busy as First Knight of Avalir, but there is still enough time for dread and worry to creep in during whatever quiet moments he stumbles into.
He tries not to think about his nightmares. The Replenishment approaches, and there is much to do. He will see Elias soon.
He tries not to think about his son. There is Avalir, bright, front, and center, and yet-
There is a dark pit in his stomach. There are holes in his heart. Some will never be healed, but his son- he is close, and his forgiveness alone could bring Zerxus back into the light. He could fix it all, if his sweet son had the strength in his own heart.
If Zerxus let him. If Zerxus truly wanted to heal.
And of course, that thought leads to greater fear and anxiety, and the underlying horror of what if he hates me? There are the nightmares, and the call to duty, and the still-throbbing loss of Evandrin, and underneath that, there is a quiet, thready pulse of my son my son my son- I’ll see him soon, and even if he hates me, I’ll see his face again.
He tries to picture his son, older- (You know I won’t look like this when you come home)- but all he sees is the young boy he had left behind. All he sees is Evandrin’s face, his eyes and his hair and his face, and although Zerxus can imagine his son, he cannot see him.
Quiet of his own making surrounds Zerxus. A part of him, that died years ago, misses late nights and early mornings with a newborn. Misses gentle snores and deep breaths in bed beside him, aches for the nonsensical chatter of a young child. He has not had a home since Evandrin died, and if his heart were whole, he might know the loss of one, noise and laughter and all.
The grief- what he feels and chooses not to feel- threatens to swallow him.
His nightmares get worse.
The Replenishment approaches.
Something is coming.
--
Something does. He hears his husband’s voice, sees his face, and pulls the Lord of Hells into Exandria.
There is chaos, and death is around every corner. The Ring of Brass is scattered and confused, and Zerxus cannot help them. He cannot think, cannot understand the magnitude of what he’s just done. But in all of it, in spite of everything-
Zerxus is foolish. When the world begins to end, he is relieved that his first thought is of his son- a cruel voice whispers that it took the end of the world for Zerxus to think of Elias before Avalir. A good father would always consider their child first.
Zerxus is not sure he’s a good father, but as the fires and screams begin, Zerxus fights his way to his son, before anything else can happen.
He makes his way down, down, down- through fire and smoke and death, to see his son. To warn him. To ensure his safety. To say goodbye.
He won’t recognize you. Not because your grief has shaped you, aged you, but because your soul has been blackened. You have changed, Zerxus Ilerez, and you are no father that Elias would know.
But nonetheless, his feet hit the ground- real ground, he is back on the earth, far from the clouds, for the first time in seven years-
Eaedalus greets him in the crowd of scrambling people, asks after his brother. He’s alive, Elias is alive-
“See him yourself,” Eaedalus says, and Zerxus finally does.
There is Elias- older and taller, and still so young in the face, but sorrow and wisdom and many more years of life shining in his eyes- and overwhelming love hits Zerxus, as strong as the first time. Love so powerful it chokes Zerxus, brings tears to his eyes, makes him stumble and his heart thud to a stop in his chest. Love like I cannot believe one person can feel this much and I think if I loved you any more it would destroy me.
(I loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you.)
Then he recoils in shock and fear, and Zerxus remembers that he is a monster, that he is covered in blood and gore, and worse still, there are horns sprouting from his head. He is marked by evil-
-and his son, 13, looks at him, and goes:
“Daddy?”
He is still a boy. Barely a teenager. Far from a man, no longer a child- until Zerxus looks in his eyes, and sees Elias, young and afraid, sees his son at five years old, before his world was shattered with grief and pain.
“Dad?”
“It’s me.” Zerxus is a traitor, a monster, to his city, to his people, to his son. “Just look at my eyes.”
There is no time. His city and the world are dying- Zerxus doesn’t have time to be here; there’s not enough time even for this rushed goodbye.
Elias deserves far more. He has deserved more his whole life.
You cannot choose him now. You are mine. You have dedicated years to this city, to your grief, to your own selfishness. You get minutes with your son. But you are mine for the rest of eternity.
“I have to go.”
Zerxus has only minutes. He got to see Elias’ face one last time.
His son stares at him, and there is fear and sorrow, and little else. He looks confused, and Zerxus doesn’t know what to do, how to comfort him- father and son, strangers-
“This is for you. Everything you’ve ever wanted to know about me and your father, it’s here.”
A book, instead of years of joy and time together, for the boy he loves but doesn’t know, hasn’t known, betrayed, left behind, failed. His husband’s flesh and blood, an echo of the person they both loved, and the only true remnant of the life they had together.
By dawn, Elias will be alone again, and that life will be truly gone.
“Dad, Dad- wait- I’m sorry! I’m sorry.”
There is so much regret, and it belongs to Zerxus alone. “You have nothing to be sorry about.”
“I do.”
In his hands, Elias holds a spell kite, complete and unsent.
They didn’t get to say hello, and now this is goodbye. Elias couldn’t bear to face his father, the man who abandoned him to grief, and now Zerxus is leaving again.
“I don’t know why I didn’t send it.”
I do. “It’s okay.”
“I don’t know why I didn’t-”
“You don’t need to explain yourself. I know why, and it’s okay. It’s okay.”
I have broken your heart a thousand times, in all the ways that parents do, and in so many more.
I’m going to break your heart again.
Please, please, understand, if only one far-off day.
“Elias, I loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you. Everything I’ve wished for you to know about me, it’s in this book. Take it with you.”
I have kept so many of my thoughts and dreams and wishes for him in this book.
My son, I loved your father so much that when I lost him, I forgot how to live.
I should have lived for you.
You were just a child.
When Zerxus looks at his son now, older and taller, sorrow and wisdom and years of life shining in his eyes, he still sees the boy he knew long ago, when their family was whole and happy, and things were right. That is the boy who begs for his forgiveness, who sees his father and what he has become and loves him.
He can’t breathe. He didn’t think anything could be worse than meeting Elias again. The love he feels, fresh and raw and renewed, was enough to kill him, and now it is mingled with endless grief, and it chokes him.
Elias- thirteen, seven, five- stares at him still.
“You will always be five years old to me, no matter how much you grow.”
My son, my son, my son.
All I will ever know is that I loved you.
“Dad!”
“I have to go.”
He tears himself away, and he feels his heart break over again the second Elias leaves his sight. Tempus nuzzles him, and then Elias is right behind him, holding the journal and spell kite and feather.
"Dad, tell me that you're going to be all right. Why do you look like this?"
Or: I cannot lose you too. What’s going to happen?
Zerxus cannot tell the truth, and cannot muster the strength to lie to his son, either.
“What you see on the outside doesn't matter, my son. Just remember what's here.” He looks at his son- young and beautiful and so much like his father. “Then you will always see me for who I really am.”
Before I was a monster, I was your father.
You will always be my son, no matter how far- how changed I am. And that matters
Tempus flutters his wings, and they lurch into the air. Zerxus hears Elias cry out, but he doesn’t look back until he is far above, watching Elias be dragged towards the ships until he disappears beneath clouds and smoke.
Avalir needs him now. If he helps the city, the world- then he gives Elias a better chance, too.
Avalir needs him now. He has failed his city, but there is an hour left.
There is nothing he can do and so much he can do. Dawn approaches. His son will live to understand, the Ring of Brass will die, and if Zerxus too lives, he will face a far worse ending.
Perhaps. Perhaps that is their fate. Perhaps there is more.
Zerxus turns to the sky and glimpses the last of the stars shining far above. Horns weigh heavy on his head.
The stars are bright before the break of day. He pictures how the next night will look, from the ground of a ruined world instead of high above on shining Avalir. Still, he knows that the night sky, hidden behind smoke and ash, will be the same bright and constant view when he finally sees it again.
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