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beedreamscape · 1 month

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Zerxus gets caught in morbid conversations.

~ 2.1k words. This takes place pre loquaerryn marriage (yes, they're my measure of time, sue me).

CW for conversation of death and grief.

Zerxus awakes as he feels a stir on the bed. Zerxus calls it instinct, Evandrin calls it a bad habit.

There's an orange glow permeating the darkness and soft grunts from muscles stretching in the air.

He turns to see Evandrin's sitting on the side of the bed with his back to him, still in his sleeping shirt and underwear. Beside where the lampshade sits, on the clock, Zerxus can see it's still a quarter to four.

Zerxus lifts his head from the pillow. "Is there scouting duty today?"

Evandrin turns, face and hair still tousled from sleep. "Morning, darling, go back to sleep, sorry for waking you."

"I would still say good night." Zerxus pulls on the hem of his shirt lazily. "I thought scouting wasn't for another three weeks."

"And you're right, this is something else." Evandrin gets up against his husband's pull and starts putting his trousers on. "One of my soldiers just died, young Hector, and he has no family here in Avalir so I need to sign his death certificate."

"Isn't a cleric that does that?"

He rubs his eye. "Sorry. It's not the certificate, it's a lease for the Conversion."

Zexus sits up. "What conversion?"

Some realization comes Evandrin's eyes before softening. "Oh, I never told you, did I? I don't think you had the chance to see it either... It's how we get rid of bodies in Avalir. Haven't you noticed we have no cemeteries here?"

"Not really. You don't just bury people?"

Evandrin doesn't bother taking his sleeping shirt off, shoving the hem into his pants before taking a dress coat from the rack.

"No, there wouldn't be enough land to bury every dead. And if you consider the funeral rites of the elves who care to perform them, there wouldn't be a need for them anyway. Not to mention they live way too long."

"And what is this conversion?"

"They convert whatever's left of ether inside your body into usable energy. Also from the combustion of it. That's where the name comes from. It feeds the city like a corpse would feed the earth... except way faster and cleaner."

"Sounds very... functional."

"I know." He sits on the bed again and holds Zerxus' hand. "But you can always let someone know if you want it to have it done to your body or not, poor Hector didn't have time or who to tell that so he goes straight into conversion."

With his free hand, Zerxus brushes Evandrin's long hair into better shape. "You can let Tempus eat me before when the time comes."

"Thanks, dear. What if he doesn't find you tasty enough?"

"Tell him to pick me up and drop me in the ocean." He makes the gestures with his hand. "From really high so everyone can see the impact and the sea creatures may eat what's left."

"I'll have it arranged when the time comes. It's more creative than my wish for a pyre on the ocean. It's kinda how my mother chose to go, burnt in a pyre with dragon fire."

"You had a dragon at her funeral?"

He nods. "It was actually a wyvern and it was a trained but it served its purpose. Dad was placed in a burial cave since he had a bit of dwarvish blood, it was what my grandma wanted."

He brings Evandrin's hand to his lips for a kiss. "Thanks for sharing. I wish I could go with you."

"You wouldn't see anything interesting if you did. It all happens in closed chambers bellow city level."

"I don't want to see anything I just didn't want you to go by yourself."

"Don't worry, I've been through my people dying on me before, it's just sad he went so young." He opens a smile and ruffles Zerxus' hair. "Get back to sleep, my lil' paladin."

"I think I'll go check on our tiny little fighter."

"You go do that, just don't scare him this time."

He starts getting up from the bed. "I said it wasn't on purpose."

"I know, but you gotta understand that a six-foot-tall man standing ominously in the dark is terrifying for a little boy."

"I'll turn on the lamp this time."

"Good." He gives Zerxus a little peck. "I won't be long."

"Please don't let them turn you into city juice as well."

He can hear Evandrin's laugh in the corridor. "I won't make any promises."

"Since when has Avalir done this Conversion thing? For the dead?"

He wasn't really interested in getting into this subject, much less with her, he assumes neither is she, but he rarely got the chance to sit down with Laerryn, let alone just the two of them, so he wouldn't get another chance to satiate his curiosity and it's been days since it started plaguing his mind.

A new Marquesian-themed restaurant had opened and they were the only two in their friend group who curiously shared a true appreciation for its foreign cuisine.

She doesn't refrain from shoving a forkful of sillgoat loin chop into her mouth before speaking. "Oh... I guess since the beginning, I'm not sure if we were the ones to come up with it or some other flying city."

"Can't you just disintegrate the body? One spell and poof, it's gone."

"We could but what a waste of precious ether that'd be. You see a single corpse doesn't hold much ether, but when you amount to several deaths a year then it means something. It's not even one and a half percent of the total energy stored in the city but when every drop counts, it's something."

He looks down at his plate, empty with stains of dark red sauce on the perimeter. He always finishes eating first no matter who he's eating with, a mixture of anxiety and hunger only a man his size has. He catches himself staring at her glass of white wine.

"Feels very utilitarian."

"You just haven't been in Avalir long enough. We are a flying city, every handful of resources counts, there are people," she points at herself, "that work to manage that. On top of managing who manages it."

"I know, but it's people we're talking about. Their bodies."

"What do you think I'm talking about? They're just bodies, I've seen them rot before. People are here, living, doing shit. The only person buried in Avalir is our most special boy, Imyr, in his very special mausoleum, which I consider such a waste. Don't tell Patia I said that."

"Why a waste?"

"The older wizards, I'm talking elves, gnomes, dwarves, the big boys, store immense amounts of ether within them. Sorcerers? You could turn the lucky bastards into massive bombs with the right calculations."

"Suddenly I'm more inclined towards it."

She gives him a playful kick under the table.

"But that's necromancers and transmutators playground, minutia and too many physiological factors to take in. I prefer working with big numbers and machines. Despite that, it's a respectable representation of wizards and artificers working together."

"Is that how you want to be taken care of?"

"I think so. However, I would like to be stored into something like a necklace or a sword until someday the yielder has to use me to kill some legendary enemy before floating back into the leylines. But honestly, I'll take what I can get, I'll be dead anyway."

He stares at her chew in amusement, still puzzled at how the woman before him and his husband are the best of friends. "Avalirians have strange death rituals."

"You need to meet the Aeorians then, heard rumors of them preserving the bodies for a really long time."

"For what?"

"How am I supposed to know? Probably something nefarious. As I said, rumours, I'm sure you'll get more from Loquatius or Patia than me."

"I think I've had enough of the subject for now."

She cleans her mouth with a napkin. "I don't personally like talking about death either. Maybe it's an elf thing... but I've had to learn to deal with it since I've befriended so many humans and... other short-living folks."

He never got truly offended by 'human' but something in the way she says it never sat comfortably inside his skull, yet he lets it slip with her. "Who else?"

She thinks for a moment and he can't interpret what passes behind her eyes. "Everyone except Patia."

"Even Van?"

She nods, takes a sip of her wine. "Half-elves don't live a quarter of full elves, some can but most don't. When I think of loss, it's the only time I grow any respect for necromancers, I too have a hard time letting things go."

"I used to think I was very detached from everything, until I got a family. Maybe it'll happen to you as well," he says with a hint of humor.

"I have a family, believe it or not."

"But they're in Cathmoíra. Always seven years away from you."

"Yes... But I do have a version of it here in Avalir, a very busy one that lives in different houses."

He smiles. "We'd kill each otherwise."

She laughs loudly, it always gives him a pang of accomplishment wherever he manages to get it out of her.

"For sure we would. Though I would cut you some slack because of the lil ginger."

"Loquatius would be the first to go."

She takes the last sip with a smile. "Probably, yes."

"First Knight."

The voice is whispery, tiny and soft and as Zerxus turns to its source so is the half-elf woman who owns it. With the cold weather, she's covered by a hooded cape. On her chest, the clasp that closes the cape is a familiar mask.

He had been walking through the city checking for any suspicious behavior and has done it for at least a week since their temporary bridge with Zemnia.

"Hello, miss, how can I help you?"

She keeps her stare fixed on his feet. "Thanks, but I require no assistance. I'm Ivorah Orlan from the Conversion Nucleus."

"Are you a cleric?"

She looks surprised by the question but notices his eyes glancing at her chest. "Yes, cleric of the Matron of Ravens."

He just nods.

"I'm sorry for being forward but there's something I'd like to ask. It's about your late husband."

Zerxus feels a bubbling sickness in his throat, he also feels starved - very few even mention his existence. "Proceed."

"As I said I'm the responsible cleric for the Conversion Nucleus and I was a friend of the First Knight Evandrin. In conversations we had, he had mentioned that when his death came he'd like me to be his sepulchral ritualist, but I never got the chance."

"He didn't want to be Converted."

"I'm aware. He wanted to be burned in a pyre and sent into the Lucidian. But we had that discussion and I never... his body was already dealt with before I had the chance and I feel like I broke a promise," she finishes with a quavering voice.

The memory of the time comes blurry to him, everything around it comes as a big horrifying blur. Loquatius and Patia had dealt with most of the funeral rites, he dealt with Elias, and Nydas dealt with him. Part of the ring had been broken and through fire and violence forced back into shape.

He turns the sickness into a solid mass, a boulder that keeps him from breaking every other hour.

"And you're not the only one." He steels himself. "The nature of his disease, we... we had to let go of many luxuries of honour."

"It still puzzles me what took such a young and strong man..."

"Puzzles me as well."

"Wish I had a chance to..." She closes her eyes, breathes deeply. "At least he was given an honourable funeral march."

"It was the Septarion's making."

She nods with her head down. "I'm sorry bothering you, First Knight."

He places a hand on her shoulder. "Thank you. For caring. Perhaps your Matron has him in her company and I envy her for it."

She lifts her eyes at once, then he sees them for what they are - terrible dark circles, perfect eclipses. "I've sought her insight about it... she doesn't have him in her sights."

"What does that mean?"

Her intensity deflates. "I don't know. I like to believe he went to an even higher place of honour for a soul as pure and valiant as his."

He tries smiling but feels tears sting in his eyes, the boulder starting to melt like a stray iceberg. "So do I."

#I never think I'll write about Zerxus but then I catch myself doing it willingly #the topic came to me first while I was in church and I planned to first write it with Laerryn #but then she wouldn't have a plausible reason to think about this or be where I needed her to be #anyway so Zerxus was the logical character to have here talking about death #I wanted to describe the actual place but I had no space here. might try adding in the longfic #evandrin alterra #zerxus ilerez #laerryn coramar seelie #zerxus x evandrin #exu calamity #critical role #flash fic #writing

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primasveraas-writing · 2 years

Text

"only you" - Zerxus and Evandrin

the protectors of avalir at the beginning of their life together or two men meet and fall in love all in the same instant

WORD COUNT: 8078

XXX

Evandrin looks tired.

It isn’t the first thing Zerxus notices about him- no, that was how striking he is, how beautifully his hair frames his face, the bowed shape of his lips, the sharpness of his cheekbones, the freckles dusting across his cheeks. Zerxus has never seen anyone with elven lineage who has freckles, but Evandrin does, and Zerxus is captivated.

Nydas had dragged him to this ball with promises of meeting the Ring of Gold and other dignitaries, but most importantly, to meet Evandrin. He’d endured months of Laerryn and Nydas’ chatter about the other man, about how pretty he is and how kind and funny and perfect for Zerxus he is. It’s been a set-up since the beginning, and, Zerxus suspects, the entertainment for the night. He spares a glance over his shoulder and sees Laerryn and Patia still watching them from across the gilded room.

They’re making small talk, but Zerxus feels floaty, distant. He’s faintly aware of Nydas watching him, smirking into his glass, but even the smugness of his friend can’t quite dampen Zerxus’ spirit. His heart flutters in his chest, dancing against his ribcage.

Zerxus has been studying Evandrin’s face, and he doesn’t miss the dark circles under his eyes. Evandrin has a prestigious job guarding the city, one that calls for long hours and complete physical and mental dedication. Still, his exhaustion is very pronounced, and a pang of concern sparks through Zerxus- even though they just met, even though he hardly knows Evandrin.

Then Evandrin yawns, and a faint blush creeps on his cheeks when he catches Zerxus watching him.

“Sorry,” Evandrin says, and stars above, Zerxus is really far gone, and he knows it when the gentle lilt of Evandrin’s voice stirs something deep in Zerxus’ stomach. “I have a newborn. He’s been keeping me up all night.”

Ah. He’s a dad.

Zerxus can’t help himself: he glances down at Evandrin’s left hand, checking for a ring.

The color on Evandrin’s cheeks deepens, and a slight warmth tinges Zerxus’ face too.

“It’s just me,” Evandrin says, and Zerxus could swear that his voice raises a pitch higher. “I’m a single dad.” He clears his throat a little. “I am single.”

“My god,” Nydas mutters. He takes a long sip of his whiskey and fixes them both with a bemused look. “I’ll leave you to it.”

Despite Evandrin’s flushed cheeks, his eyes sparkle as they watch Nydas disappear into the crowd of partygoers. He raises his glass to his lips- Zerxus thinks he may have already memorized their exact shape- and drinks his champagne before turning back to Zerxus.

“Tell me about your son,” Zerxus says, and Evandrin’s smile lights up his whole face.

Evandrin’s son is just a few months old. His name is Elias and he’s not anywhere close to sleeping through the night. His hair is a softer red than Evandrin’s but their eyes and noses are the exact same.

“He laughs all the time,” Evandrin says, “any excuse to smile.” His eyes crinkle at the thought, before the half-elf sobers. “But whenever I set him down, he cries. You would think the world was ending.”

“I can’t blame him,” Zerxus says, “to have that reaction when you leave.”

Evandrin smiles at that, ear to ear, and all the more beautiful for it. “You flatter me, Zerxus.”

Zerxus grins back at him. “I speak only the truth, Evandrin. You seem like a wonderful father. Elias is lucky to have you.”

“I try,” Evandrin says. Then, after a brief pause: “Are there any children in your life?”

“Cerrit’s daughter,” Zerxus answers. “I’m currently vying for the spot of ‘favorite uncle.’”

“Just vying?”

Zerxus shrugs. “It’s hard to compete with people who can conjure light out of their hands.”

“You rank pretty high in my book.”

They’ve been talking for less than twenty minutes.

Something red-hot squirms deep in Zerxus’ stomach, and he moves half a step closer to Evandrin. They’re inches apart now, and Zerxus wants to close the rest of the distance between them, to taste the other man’s lips, to-

“Come with me.” Evandrin pulls away, but he grabs Zerxus’ hand.

Zerxus follows. He doesn’t look back, his gaze fixed on Evandrin as he’s led outside, and so he misses the gleeful watch of the Ring of Brass as they depart.

Evandrin takes him up two flights of stairs, leading him by hand the whole time. His hair sways with every step he takes; Zerxus watches it, mesmerized until they arrive at the rooftop garden. Zerxus has never been up here before, but Evandrin seems to know the way well enough.

“Wow,” Zerxus breathes.

The venue is, of course, in one of the fancier neighbors of Avalir, positioned high above the rest of the city, while the terrace itself overlooks the smaller buildings, allowing them to see out to where the edge of the city gives way to darker clouds and the expanse of sky surrounding them. There are a few small benches, but the space is mostly taken up by flowers, tall twisting trees, and blossoms of purple, blue, and red. Gentle violins are just audible too, the sound echoing from three floors below.

“I’ve never actually been up here,” Evandrin says. “Laerryn was giving me directions.” He taps the side of his head; it takes Zerxus a moment to understand that he means telepathically.

Zerxus glances around, then his gaze settles on Evandrin. “It’s stunning,” he says, not looking away.

"Yes.” Evandrin floats to the edge of the roof, leaning against the vine-covered railing. “Avalir is quite beautiful.” He looks back over to Zerxus. “Are you in love yet?”

Zerxus’ mouth goes dry; Evandrin startles at his expression, then laughs softly. “With the city, Zerxus.”

“Oh.” Zerxus is still staring at Evandrin. “Yes, I think I am.”

“Me too,” Evandrin beams at him, then turns to look over the sparkling city. “I had nearly forgotten how much I loved it here.”

“It’s home.”

“Yes. And now it’s my son’s home, too.”

Zerxus hums, tracing the veins on the vines wrapped around the balcony railing. Evandrin takes a breath, then:

“Where are you from?”

“Caithmoria.”

“But you left.”

“There was no reason to stay. I…” Zerxus shifts, focusing on the edge of the city. “I love what I do, and I do it well. But I had little purpose in that city.”

“So you came to Avalir-“

“-in pursuit of something greater. Yes.”

“I’m not teasing you, Zerxus.” Evandrin steps closer to him, smiling in earnest. “I believe you. I desire similar things. That’s why I returned to Avalir.”

Zerxus sighs, looking back at Evandrin. “This age is on the precipice of incredible things. We have seen that already. I want to be a part of it. This city, its people- are a marvel. There is no place else I would rather be.”

“I think I rather like having you here, too.”

“I will certainly take that into consideration.”

Zerxus is quiet, resting his hands on the balcony. Evandrin notices and brushes his fingers against the back of Zerxus’ hand. Their pinkies interlock before Zerxus’ takes his hand.

“You’re cold,” Zerxus says, and he finally notices the way Evandrin is huddled into himself. “If I had a cloak, I would give it to you.”

“Come closer then, and warm me.”

He laughs, surprised, and Evandrin echoes the sound. His face lights up, and for that brief, wonderful moment, Evandrin doesn’t look tired at all.

But Zerxus obliges, hovering closer to Evandrin. He folds both of Evandrin’s hands into his own, and raises them to his lips, kissing the back of his left hand. Then, he brings Evandrin into his embrace, and they stand like that, closer than Zerxus can bear.

Evandrin looks up at him; the corners of his mouth are turned up and there’s a slight flush to his cheeks and his eyes shine like the stars above.

“I’m going to kiss you now,” he says, and Zerxus just nods, dumbstruck. Evandrin moves in closer, pressing their bodies close together, and then cups Zerxus’ cheek. His hands are soft, and so are his lips.

He tastes like sweet wine. Zerxus is so gone.

“I don’t usually…” Evandrin is still so close; Zerxus can feel his hot breath on his skin. Long eyelashes flutter against pale cheeks. “I didn’t expect this, tonight.”

“Me neither,” Zerxus confesses. “I’ve never.” He bites his tongue, then meets Evandrin’s gaze. “I’ve never felt anything like this”

I’m in love with you.

Evandrin hovers close, his lips brushing over Zerxus’.

“You, Zerxus Ilerez, are as wonderful as they say.”

Another kiss, this one deeper. Evandrin sighs against him, then pulls away.

“You exceed all expectations, Evandrin Alterra.” Zerxus reaches up, tucking a strand of red hair behind pointed ears.

“They’re going to be so smug about this.” A soft chuckle, a sigh.

Zerxus cups Evandrin’s face in his hands, stroking his cheeks with his thumbs. “I can tolerate it. If it’s for you.”

Evandrin smiles at him, his eyes sparkling. “Likewise.”

He leans in and kisses Zerxus again, standing on his toes and leaning against the taller man. Zerxus moves his arms, wrapping them around Evandrin’s body. The scent of flowers is sweet in the air. Tonight, the clouds hang low, about level with Avalir. The stars are clear above them, and Zerxus is wrapped tightly in the embrace of someone he just met.

Someone-

Evandrin leans in and kisses him again, long and sweet. The stars are shining above them, and they hold each other and kiss until the pink of dawn approaches.

It’s nearly daybreak when Zerxus staggers home, alone, but his lips raw and chest tight with emotion. His weariness is physical, rooted in the heaviness of his eyes and limbs, but his mind is sharp and alert.

He thinks of Evandrin, of the feeling of their lips together. Of their bodies so close, of the sharp angle of his nose, of the softness of his hair.

He thinks of Evandrin. Only of Evandrin. He’s the last thought before Zerxus drifts off to sleep, and the first thing on his mind when he wakes the next day.

“Good morning, Nydas.”

“Zerxus.” Nydas squints at him over his cup of coffee. “You left without saying goodbye.”

Zerxus blushes. “I think I left after you, actually.”

“Oh. See, I thought, unlike Loquacious and Laerryn, you would perhaps find someplace more private to-”

“Nydas.” Then, when his protest gets no response: “It wasn’t like that, I assure you.”

“So you absconded with another man for what? Six hours? And you merely continued to stare into each other’s eyes for the duration of the evening?”

Zerxus stands up a little taller. “Mostly.”

Nydas rolls his eyes and takes a long sip of his coffee.

“So not only are you the only person in the city who is not hungover, you are also smug about it and smitten with a man you’ve just met.”

“I don’t think Evandrin had much to drink last night, either.”

“Know that the two of you are already insufferable.”

“My being insufferable to you is hardly news, Nydas,” Zerxus teases, and reaches for a cup to pour his own coffee.

“I have to admit, you were more taken with each other than anyone expected.”

“I…” Zerxus pauses with his cup halfway to his lips. “I never-“ He swallows. “Nydas, I’d never believed having a connection take hold so quickly.”

Nydas eyes him carefully. “You mean love at first sight.”

Zerxus can feel the heat on his cheeks. “Yes. I do.” He clears his throat after a heavy pause. “I don’t know if I can say that, even- last night was wonderful, but-“

“-you met last night. I see. Well,” Nydas sighs, but the corners of his mouth twitch upwards. “Perhaps don’t tell him that you’re madly in love right away, but-“

“I’m not madly in love, Nydas-“

“-but this would very much seem like something worth pursuing. You’re glowing, my friend, just thinking about it.” Zerxus touches a hand to his warmed cheeks, and Nydas chuckles. “Now, when do you see him next?”

Zerxus raises his eyebrow, but Nydas inclines his head, waiting.

“Tomorrow,” Zerxus concedes, and Nydas laughs again.

“Maybe don’t tell him then, either. Make all your passionate declarations without the mention of love.”

He manages as much. There are evening strolls through gardens and quick lunches between shifts, and brief dalliances on slower days, when they can sneak away to see each other. They talk- about Avalir, about Cathmoria, about their childhoods, their dreams growing up. About Elias. About what they want to achieve within the city and beyond, about magic, about swordwork, about the weather, and everything in between. Sometimes, no words are spoken- because they are otherwise occupied, or because sitting in each other’s presence is simply enough.

Zerxus met Evandrin and knew his heart; there was no other way to fall in love so quickly. It is only a few weeks of these meetings before Zerxus knows Evandrin the rest of the way, to be able to pull a smile from him with only a few words, to sympathize with the latest updates about Elias teething. It is fast, and incredible, and Zerxus is no less in love than the night he first met Evandrin.

Zerxus is suddenly caught between two worlds; a life on Avalir that revolves around his job and the city, and another that centers on Evandrin. As they spend more time together, the barriers between them seem more nebulous: Zerxus finds himself wishing for Evandrin’s opinion on certain cases, wanting to share the events of each day with him. It’s difficult, when they see each other so little, but Zerxus takes every second he can get with the other man.

It’s enough to tide Zerxus over, but he’s still unsatisfied.

But their time together is always brief; both men are busy with their guard duties, and Evandrin cannot spare more time away from Elias than he already takes.

“Zerxus,” he says, and it is during another stolen moment, just the two of them tucked away on a quiet, tree-lined street. “I cannot-“

There’s heartbreak already on his face, and as soon as Zerxus sees it, he feels it too.

“I very much enjoy seeing you like this. I- I look forward to seeing you every time we part, but-“ Evandrin heaves a sigh. “My son comes first. Whatever… relationships I may have, he’s the most important one.”

“Okay.” Zerxus raises an eyebrow. "So you’re a package deal.”

Evandrin stills for a moment, but Zerxus doesn’t miss the blush that slowly creeps across his cheeks. “So…?”

“So I’m all in. With Elias. Or if,” Zerxus swallows hard, “if you just need to focus on him, I understand that too.”

The other man stares at him a moment longer, then presses forward suddenly, kissing Zerxus. The kiss is rough and deep, and the force of their bodies colliding makes Zerxus stumble back.

“This is fast,” Evandrin gasps when they untangle from each other. “I understand-“

“I-“ I love you. “I want this,” Zerxus insists. “I want-“ he swallows. “-to be with you. And all the things that come with you. Your son is not a deterrent. I want to be with you. I want to be a part of your life.”

“Then I am very lucky indeed.” Evandrin blinks at him, and his voice is suddenly thick. “This is not something I would like to lose.”

“No,” Zerxus says, and steps closer to Evandrin again. He cups the back of Evandrin’s head, pressing their foreheads together. “Nor I.”

This time, Evandrin kisses him long and slow, leaning into him. The rest of the world melts away in that moment- there is only Zerxus and Evandrin, with so little space between them, with Evandrin’s hands on his waist, with his own hands tangled in red hair. Something deep in Zerxus’ chest sings, burns, and he presses closer to Evandrin. When they separate, Evandrin is gasping for air, but smiling widely.

“Come meet my son.”

Evandrin takes him home.

His house is in Cloudstone, not far from Cerrit’s. The structure itself is made of white stone, tall and proud, surrounded by perfectly manicured gardens. Zerxus suspects that Laerryn must’ve had some pull in securing this property; it’s far too nice to be afforded on a guard’s salary, quietly stunning in the way that reflects much of Avalir’s beauty.

The inside tells a different story. Blankets and clothes- infant and adult-sized alike- are strewn over the sitting room, and Zerxus can just see into the kitchen, where dishes are stacked high on the counter. A faint blush appears on Evandrin’s cheeks as he hurriedly tucks away baby toys and clothes, but Zerxus only smiles when they catch each other’s eyes.

Evandrin relaxes slightly. He glances around the foyer, and then footsteps echo from down the hall. An apparently-young elf approaches them, nodding their head at Evandrin.

“Elias isn’t quite asleep yet, Evandrin,” they say, a smile quirking at their lips. “As you well know, he’s far too stubborn to nap on time.”

Evandrin sighs, but there’s no real conviction behind it. “Of course not.” He glances at the two people in front of him. “Sola, this is Zerxus. Zerxus, Sola. They take care of Elias when I cannot be home.”

“Lovely to meet you,” Zerxus says. Sola’s brow furrows, but they respond in kind, and Zerxus wonders if he has a reputation among Evandrin’s friends already.

“I’ll gladly relieve you of my stubborn son,” Evandrin says, and Sola nods. They disappear back down the hall- to gather their things or say goodbye to Elias- and return a moment later.

“Enjoy your afternoon,” they say, and there’s enough mirth in their tone that Zerxus knows Evandrin is being teased about their relationship. Evandrin thanks them graciously, and Zerxus mutters a goodbye.

“Well,” Evandrin says, and although his blush has returned, he says nothing about Sola’s gleeful departure. “Shall I retrieve my insolent child?”

“I don’t want to disturb his naptime,” Zerxus says, but Evandrin only shakes his head.

“He’s hopeless. If Elias is not asleep now, then he will not be in an hour, and the only benefit of that is the increased chance of him sleeping past dawn tomorrow morning. It is better for us to give up hope now, and let you meet him.”

“As you say, then.”

“Make yourself at home,” Evandrin gestures to the sofa, and Zerxus sits while Evandrin retreats to the nursery. When he reappears, Elias is cradled in his arms, wrapped in a green blanket. He’s smaller than Zerxus expected him to be, and when Evandrin sits beside Zerxus, he gets a proper look at his face.

Elias’ features are delicate but clearly defined. From the curve of his nose to the shape of his brow and the exact shade of his irises, he is Evandrin’s son. It could not be more evident, except for the fact that Evandrin is beaming down at him like Elias is the sun itself, and Elias reaches a tiny hand up for his father’s face. There’s a sudden tightness in Zerxus’ chest, one that closes up his throat and steals all speech away from him.

“He’s beautiful, Evandrin,” Zerxus manages. Evandrin nods, gaze flickering from his son to Zerxus.

“Do you want to hold him?” Evandrin asks, and he must know how badly Zerxus wanted this, because the half-elf doesn’t wait for him to answer and dumps Elias into his arms.

Elias is tiny, but he’s heavy and warm against Zerxus’ chest. He’s also wide awake, and peering up at Zerxus with curious eyes that are the precise shade of his father’s.

Carefully and slowly, Zerxus reaches up to trace Elias’ brow. The infant squirms in his arms, but his gaze doesn’t leave Zerxus

“He likes you,” Evandrin says, and his voice sounds oddly thick. Zerxus glances up at him, blinking rapidly.

“Yeah,” he says, past the lump in his throat.

All he knows is that he never wants to let Elias go.

The baby falls asleep in his arms just minutes later. Elias watches Zerxus until his eyelids become heavy, and his blinks long and slow. His breathing evens out gradually, while Zerxus marvels at the joy in his arms, and Evandrin watches them both quietly. It’s several long minutes of silence, Zerxus just staring at Elias, already committing his features to memory, and when he realizes Elias is asleep, his breath hitches.

So this is love. So this is everything Zerxus didn’t even realize he wanted. This tiny weight in his arms, this elation of such an innocent trust- for Elias to fall asleep in his arms.

Zerxus knows- he knows, with every fiber of his being- he loves Elias already. As much as he already loves Evandrin. As brightly as the sun. As deeply as every ocean in Exandria. He knows that he will love Elias for the rest of his life.

“Evandrin,” he says, because even now, he’s afraid to say I love you. Fortunately, Evandrin seems to understand, because he settles closer to Zerxus, wrapping an arm around him and cupping the back of his neck with his other hand, touching their foreheads together.

“I’m in love with him, Nydas.”

“Oh, I know. Most of Avalir does, by now.”

Zerxus groans; Nydas smirks. “Quay tells me that there are rumors abound of prominent guardsmen sneaking around, having not-so-discreet meetups, kissing, giggling, in every one of Avalir’s alleyways. Two attractive, important men, rendezvousing around the city, clearly obsessed with each other- Brother, you and Evandrin are the most interesting thing to happen since the last Replenishment.”

“I never knew I could feel this deeply,” Zerxus confesses. There’s a lump in his throat, again, and his eyes burn. Nydas’ expression softens, and he leans closer to Zerxus, clasping his hand. “I only- I only want to be with them when we’re parted. Evandrin and Elias both.”

Zerxus sighs, his brow pinching together. “It terrifies me, how- how quickly this took hold. I want to be with Evandrin. I want to see Elias grow. And yet I cannot get past-“

“Zerxus,” Nydas interrupts, squeezing his hand. “You have a tender heart. You do not love halfheartedly, my friend. I have long known that when you found love, it would take you completely. But,” he continues when Zerxus slumps over the table, deflated. “I have fewer reservations about this than you. Were your lover someone I knew less, I would be wary. But Laerryn loves him dearly, and nothing in the months I have known him has given me cause to doubt his character. There is a reason you love him already, and that reason is not that you are a fool.”

“It’s maddening,” Zerxus groans into his hands. “How do I tell him-“

“Don’t. Give it time, Brother. Wait until you’re sure this isn’t mere infatuation-“ Zerxus lifts up his head to glare weakly at Nydas. “-and to ensure that he feels the same way.”

“Laerryn,” Evandrin says. “I am in love with him.”

“Oh my gods,” Quay says loudly, rolling his eyes. Laerryn grins widely at Evandrin.

“I told you.”

“Yes, I know,” Evandrin heaves a sigh, and resumes his pacing through Laerryn’s foyer. Loquacious watches him, bemused, while Laerryn laughs.

“I’ve never seen you like this.”

“I-” Evandrin spins on his heel. “Laerryn, he is my every thought and dream. Suddenly, I cannot see a future without him.” He chokes on the words, and the laughter drains from Laerryn’s face. “I have never known love like this before.”

“Oh.” Laerryn goes still, looking at him curiously. “You really mean that, don’t you?”

“Yes. I do. I very much do.”

His friend comes closer; Laerryn reaches up and carefully wipes the tears from his eyes.

“Then I am happy for you, Evandrin. May this love bring you every blessing you deserve.”

---------------

Zerxus meets Elias and the world changes. It shifts off its center, as it did the day Zerxus met Evandrin, and revolves around someone new. There are important things, like Avalir, and Zerxus’ family, and his role within the city. Things he loves, that fulfill him. But Evandrin and Elias- they are his heart. They are flames in his chest, painful and bright, curling against his ribs. The intensity of it hurts; Zerxus can hardly dwell on it, for fear of the feeling consuming him entirely. Suddenly, he lives for Elias’s soft, curious smiles, his bubbling laughter. He exists for Evandrin’s kisses, the feeling of his hands on Zerxus’ chest. All that matters- that truly matters- is the sweet and innocent trust of Elias falling asleep in his arms, the gentle pride of calming him when he cries. And, Evandrin speaking to him about their dreams, about the life they want to build together, about their hopes for Avalir, for their careers, for their friends, and for each other.

A pattern develops: Zerxus is almost never alone. Instead, he is with Evandrin, or Elias and Evandrin both. When Evandrin is on duty, and Zerxus is not, Zerxus volunteers to care for Elias, and so Elias gains a new caregiver. They spend long hours together; Zerxus learns feeding and naptime and diaper schedules. He feeds Elias with careful hands, talks to him, pointing out birds and flowers in the gardens, and sings and rocks him to sleep. That’s how Evandrin finds them most often; Elias blissfully asleep, still clutched in Zerxus’ arms. Zerxus doesn’t want to let him go, he explains. Having Elias in his arms is the best thing in the world.

It’s too much to bear. It is pain in his chest, killing him again and again- it is too much for one man to feel. When Zerxus thinks about it- about his love for Elias, for Evandrin, about their love for him- his heart rises into his throat and he chokes on it. It is brutal. This love unmakes him, reduces him to ash and builds him again. He is nothing without it and everything for it. There is color and sunshine and music in the world because of them, for them. Each drop of joy in the world exists for Elias and Evandrin alone. There could be no purpose for bright and lovely things, other than for the loves of his life to enjoy, for Elias to discover with happy giggles, or to light up Evandrin’s face with delight.

Zerxus has many things he lives for, and two people he exists for.

They show it, rather than say it, dancing delicately around the words for months. It is implicit in every kiss, in each gentle caress of their bodies, each whisper breathed to each other late at night. It’s evident when Evandrin trusts Elias to his care, when Evandrin hands his son to Zerxus, and the boy smiles.

Then, Elias turns six months old, and it is an unassuming day but an important one nonetheless. Zerxus is dancing around the kitchen, Elias on his hip and cuddled against his shoulder. He’s humming something of a lullaby, one he half remembers from his own youth when Evandrin comes home. It’s the break of dawn, delicate pink light just staring to peer in through the windows.

Evandrin has just finished a night shift, and Zerxus had stayed over with Elias, who decided to start the day very, very early.

He takes them in; both his child and partner have bleary eyes. Elias is sucking his thumb and hiding his face from the light. Zerxus’ hair is uncombed and he’s still dressed in his sleepclothes. He’s swaying around the kitchen, humming to fill in the blanks when he forgets the words to whatever song he’s singing. His voice is still gravelly, this early in the morning.

Evandrin stands in the doorway, smiling faintly as he watches. It’s nearly half a minute before Zerxus notices him there, and when he does, there’s a burst of shock across his face that quickly melts away to something much warmer and softer.

“Good morning,” Zerxus says, grinning. Elias stirs in his arms and peers at Evandrin with big, sleepy eyes, but doesn’t otherwise move towards his father.

“Morning,” Evandrin breathes and floats closer to them. Zerxus wraps his free arm around him, and Evandrin presses a kiss to his forehead, then another to Elias’.

“I love you,” he says softly, suddenly, looking directly into the warmth of Zerxus’ eyes.

Zerxus stares at him, delighted, now fully awake.

It’s not like they didn’t know. Both of them. They knew.

It just hadn’t been put into those exact words, yet.

Zerxus leans in and kisses him again. “I love you too,” he says seriously, although he’s beaming brighter than the sun shines.

Evandrin exhales through his nose, his heart pounding. It’s nearly insane, how far gone he is for Zerxus.

Elias squirms and coos, and reaches out to grab Evandrin’s face.

Both men chuckle, but their eyes never leave each other.

It is a leap of faith, to say it. Zerxus confesses that he didn’t believe in love at first sight until he met Evandrin. That the intensity of it all scared him. That he’d never felt so deeply before.

I love you, and I know you love me too, and I will not leave because of it, Evandrin tells him. It is a gentle reminder, in the raw vulnerability of their passion, that they will not willfully hurt each other. That they are there to stay.

And so: I love you, Zerxus breathes against Evandrin’s sweaty skin. I love you, he moans, when their bodies are entangled and all Zerxus can feel is Evandrin’s hands on him. I love you, he whispers, and it is often the last thing he thinks or remembers before falling asleep each night. I love you, he says before kissing Evandrin goodbye whenever they must part.

He thinks it again now, during a sleepy dawn after a long night. They had both worked the evening before, but Elias and adrenaline both kept them awake, so instead of sleeping, they talked for hours, muttering half coherently to one another. Zerxus lies facing Evandrin, their hair spilling across pillows and tangling, their limbs intertwined as well.

“I love you,” Zerxus says. “I love you so very much.”

What Zerxus doesn’t say is that he knows every inch of Evandrin’s skin, that he knows the tanlines on his arms and neck, that he knows the number of freckles on each of Evandrin’s shoulders, that he has a thousand words to describe the exact color of his hair (red, to start, but also: fire in the sunlight, gold when it’s caught in the last light of the day, brown and heavy when it’s wet, thin and fine and delicate threads of silk, soft in Zerxus’ hands-), that there are calluses on both his hands but more on the left, his dominant hand, that his skin is rough sometimes, weathered by the sun and years of swordwork, but other times, his hands are soft and gentle because he’s just put oil on Elias’ sensitive skin. He knows he can feel each of Evandrin’s vertebrae, but only when his back is arched, he knows that Evandrin’s abdomen isn’t sharply defined, but when he puts his hands on his lover’s stomach, he can feel the toned muscle beneath him. He’s lean enough that Zerxus can trace the outline of his pelvis bone with his fingers, small enough that when they hug, Evandrin about disappears into the embrace. He knows the gentle pride and overwhelming joy that lights up Evandrin’s face when he looks at Elias, knows the quiet weariness and frustration in his hunched shoulders after a long day. He knows the proud smiles that are just for Laerryn, and the teasing grins, the amused glances, the wonder in his eyes, the love the love the love that fills his face and puts a spring in his step and makes Evandrin glow like pure starlight.

That glow is just for him. That glow is a testament to their love, their devotion, and the depth of their bond.

For Zerxus, the way Evandrin looks at him is the meaning of the universe. It is a reminder of all the things about love Evandrin has taught him: what it means to love every part of another person, and to love them with every part of yourself.

I know you in my soul. Every piece of you has been written into the very fabric of my being, and I realized this the very first time I saw you. I knew you, all of you, in every conceivable way, from the second you first told me your name. I knew then, as I know now, that our destinies were written as one. There is no part of my story that is without you. Every part of my past led to you, and you are my present, and you are the only future I could ever want or dream of.

“What is it?” Evandrin murmurs, his eyebrows pinched together, and Zerxus’ breath hitches. Evandrin wipes under his eyes, and Zerxus realizes that he’s crying, hot tears on his cheeks.

“I love you,” Zerxus chokes. “I love you so much I can’t stand it.”

Worry flashes to confusion fades to relief and endearment. “I love you too,” Evandrin says, pressing a kiss to Zerxus’ temple. He meets Zerxus’ eyes, and his own are shining. “I know,” he whispers, and when his voice wavers, Zerxus understands they are feeling this love in the same way. “I know it, too.”

When they rise, it is because they are restless and hungry. Elias’ room is finally quiet; they surmise that he’s asleep, for now. Evandrin and Zerxus share fruit and bread for breakfast, then Zerxus kisses Evandrin, and tries to make his goodbyes.

“Stay,” Evandrin says, and grabs Zerxus’ hand.

“I need to go home,” Zerxus protests, and Evandrin shakes his head. “I need to bathe. I need fresh clothes.”

“Get your things and come back here.”

“Change and come back?” Even before Evandrin shakes his head again, Zerxus knows that’s not what he needs.

“Pack up your house and bring everything here. Then, stay.”

“Move in?”

“Come home.” Evandrin juts his chin out stubbornly. “You spend more time here than anywhere else. I love you, Elias loves you-“

Zerxus cuts him off with a kiss. “Yes,” he says. “My love, you do not need to convince me. I am yours. I will stay.”

It is a simple routine of caring for Elias and going to work, and finding moments for themselves somewhere in between. There is balance, a gentle bliss to their domestic life, and it is good.

There are other serious conversations, beyond I love you and move in with me. There are difficult parts in building a life together, but they face them together and that is enough.

Much of it is good, though, like when the three of them are sitting together in the lounge, Elias crawling between their laps. Evandrin reaches out to smooth back Elias’ hair, then glances at Zerxus and grins.

“Darling,” he says slowly. “You know that when Elias talks, he will call me Ada. It’s what I called my own father.”

Zerxus raises an eyebrow, but nods. Evandrin’s father was an elf, and Evandrin has always been Ada, not Dad to Elias.

“I would like for him to call you Dad, Zerxus.”

“Oh,” Zerxus chokes, and Evandrin’s expression softens, . He squeezes Zerxus’ hand.

“Are you sure?” Zerxus manages. “I-“

“You love and care for him as a father does, Zerxus. You have devoted yourself to his care since before you moved into this house. You are very much his father; you are his parent as much I am.”

He nods, closing his eyes. Evandrin squeezes his hand again, and Zerxus clutches back, taking a breath to steady himself.

“I would be honored,” he says, voice trembling. “I- Evandrin, I don’t know if I’ve ever told you how lucky I am to be a part of his life. That I found you and him both. That we are family chosen and made. That you trust me with your son, to care for him and love him. Truly, it’s an honor, Evandrin.”

The half-elf smiles, sincere, and presses their foreheads together. “Our son, my darling. He and I both are lucky to have you.”

Evandrin wants to be First Knight.

He’d said this the night they met; that this was how he wished to serve Avalir. Those were the principal goals; to raise Elias and to become First Knight. Since meeting Evandrin, Zerxus’ own goals have become similarly aligned, but.

That is another serious conversation they have.

“I want this.” Evandrin’s jaw is firmly set. “I have wanted this since returning to Avalir.”

“Then you will have it.”

“Elias-“

“Will be in my care.” Zerxus grips his partner’s shoulders. “My love, you will be First Knight. If you are gone more because of it-“ Evandrin bows his head, and Zerxus strokes his cheek, lifting his head up again. “-then we shall miss you dearly and celebrate your successes as they come.” He leans in, kissing Evandrin tenderly. “But do not worry about Elias. You will be First Knight and I will care for him.”

And so Elias grows, and the more Evandrin works, the more Zerxus stays home to care for their son. Zerxus does not sacrifice his own job entirely, so there is a greater need for their nanny, but part of Zerxus’ heart breaks every time his son is left at home without one of his fathers. Evandrin works nearly twice as much as he once did, and Zerxus half as much, and that becomes their way of life.

It is a subtle thing, at first. But change takes hold, and it does not let go easily.

Elias’ cries pierce the night. Zerxus stirs first, but Evandrin wakes and stumbles out of bed before he can get up staggering into the nursery. He listens to Evandrin’s quiet murmurs, mixed in with muffled footsteps on the carpeted floor. The routine is so familiar, Zerxus knows it by sound alone: Elias has been changed and attempted to be fed, and still, he cries.

Sleep does not retake him, not while Evandrin struggles and Elias sobs. He figures- by the count of a jagged lullaby repeated over and over- it has been half an hour since Elias first woke them, and that is when Zerxus rises too, going to his partner and his son. Evandrin looks up at him with tired eyes, wordlessly handing over Elias, who squirms against his chest, burying his face into Zerxus’ tunic. He sobs, a pathetic, heartbroken sound, and Zerxus begins to rock him, rubbing soothing circles into his back.

Zerxus sits in the nursery’s rocking chair, Evandrin standing behind him. Elias begins to settle, his cries gradually quieting. They rock, and just minutes later, Elias is asleep.

“I’m impressed,” Evandrin murmurs, and when Zerxus looks up at him, his brow is pinched together. Then, his expression neutralizes, and he leans down to kiss the top of Zerxus’ head.

“Mm.” Zerxus stands carefully, but Elias isn’t disturbed until Zerxus makes an attempt to set him down. His eyes fly open and he gives a small cry. Zerxus sighs and brings Elias close to him once more.

“He just wants you,” Evandrin muses, then he presses a kiss to Zerxus’ cheek. “Come, then. Bring him to bed with us.”

Zerxus obliges, pulled into their bedroom with one hand and holding Elias with the other.

Elias is nearly a year old, and although Zerxus could have never predicted these circumstances, he finds himself fussing over development milestones. Their baby (his son) is already standing, clutching to their legs or furniture, wavering there as if he’s trying to figure out how to put one foot in front of the other and walk. Cerrit has been teasing them both, that they no longer have a baby, they have a toddler- Maya, who is about two, has been walking and flying already, and Zerxus suspects that it’s mostly a want for commiserating that prompts this teasing.

But Zerxus knows Elias will talk before he walks- Elias babbles incessantly, with clear confidence. He knows exactly what he’s saying, even if Zerxus can’t understand him.

“Dada,” Zerxus will say to him.

“Ada,” Evandrin insists a moment later. “My little love, it is the same sound but in a different order. Ada.”

And Elias will reply with something intelligible, and Zerxus will resolve again to keep talking to Elias until he’s granted a reply.

The three of them are together, on a rare lazy afternoon. Evandrin is making them lunch, Zerxus trying to prevent Elias’ own food from ending up on the floor. When he fails, Zerxus sighs, picking up berries off the floor and moving into the kitchen to dispose of the sullied fruit, but he turns his back, and-

“Dada,” Elias whines, kicking his legs. Zerxus and Evandrin both freeze, and Zerxus turns slowly around.

“Say that again,” he says, breathless. Elias meets his eyes, his face lighting up.

“Dadada,” he says proudly, and then Zerxus is laughing, scooping him out of his high chair.

“Dadada,” Elias continues, tugging at Zerxus’ beard. He hardly cares, because then Evandrin’s arms are around them both.

“My clever boy,” Evandrin coos, kissing Elias’ forehead, then Zerxus’. “You are so smart already.”

Elias stands, clutching the end of the sofa tightly. Zerxus holds out his arms to him, waiting, and then Elias lets go, standing on his own. He takes an uncertain step towards Zerxus, whose breath catches in his throat. Then, another step on wobbly legs, and Zerxus laughs with pure delight, but then Elias loses balance and promptly falls on his rear end. The laugher leaves Zerxus instantly, his face sobering, but then Elias peers up at him, grinning, and bursts into laughter.

Relieved, Zerxus’ smile returns, and he sweeps Elias into his arm, peppering him with kisses all across his face and belly.

“Look at you!” He gushes. “My sweet boy.” Almost instinctively, he looks around the room for Evandrin, then remembers his partner is gone for the day. Instead of sharing his joy with Evandrin, he buries his face in Elias’ downy hair. “Your father will be so proud of you.”

“Dadadada,” Elias insists. “Ada.”

“Yes, my love.” He kisses Elias’ forehead, and the boy squirms in his arms. “You will have to show off your talents when Ada gets home.”

When Evandrin returns, far later than his shift was scheduled to end, both Zerxus and Elias are asleep. He does not get to see a demonstration of Elias’ new skill until the morning comes, and when Zerxus sees the hurt shining in Evandrin’s eyes at what he’d missed, he kisses his love, assuring him that there are many days to come that they may share together, and that instead will be enough.

---------------

One year to the day they met, Evandrin takes Zerxus to the garden where they spent their first evening together. They ascend, hand in hand, to the rooftop overlook, and then, once a peaceful quiet has settled between them, Evandrin kisses Zerxus sweetly before dropping to one knee, producing a ring with a twisting gold band and dark glittering amethysts and sapphires.

“Zerxus,” Evandrin says. “I want to marry you.

“You are the love of my life and the father of my child and the other half of my soul. I knew from the moment I first saw you: our fates are intertwined and I am meant to spend the rest of my life loving you. You, Zerxus Ilerez, my beloved, are the only one who I could ever want-” He chokes then, visibly biting back a sob. “I want you. I need you in my life, every day, so long as I should live. I love you so much. Please-” tears begin to spill over, slipping down Evandrin’s cheeks. “Marry me.”

Zerxus laughs, a sound of pure joy; his legs wobble beneath him, and he too, sinks to his knees, crouching at Evandrin’s level.

“Yes,” he manages. Zerxus is crying too, tears blurring his vision. “Yes, of course.” He leans in to press his forehead against Evandrin’s; his tears drip down onto his love’s face and mingle with the salt already there. “I will marry you,” Zerxus says, and then Evandrin is kissing him desperately, full and hungry, grabbing him by the shirt and tugging their bodies flush. “I’m going to marry you,” Zerxus gasps, between kisses. “I love you so much.”

“We’re getting married,” Zerxus declares, grinning, and Cerrit and Nydas beam at them, instantly offering warm congratulations. Laerryn, however, just looks at Evandrin and smirks, and Patia and Loquatius share a shit-eating grin.

“You don’t have to be so smug about it,” Zerxus complains, his shoulders sagging. Beside him, Evandrin laughs, and it is a sound still as beautiful as the first time Zerxus heard it.

“In our defense,” Quay says, although he’s smiling now, warm and genuine, “we’ve known you two were going to get married since the night you first met.”

Nydas laughs at that, then folds Zerxus into a hug. “It is not a surprise,” he confirms. “Though it is joyous news nonetheless. Congratulations, brother.”

It is the first and last step of a journey together; long have Zerxus and Evandrin dedicated themselves to building a life together. Their son will only ever know Zerxus and Evandrin both as his parents; they have a home and a family together already, and, in many ways, that completes the first part of their lives as partners. Concurrently, their engagement- their looming marriage- is the foundation of all of this- they are each other’s spiritually, mentally, physically- and now contractually.

“It is the solidification of our lives together, in the eyes of the gods,” Evandrin says, then his lips twitch and he rolls his eyes. “Or in the eyes of Avalir, legally speaking.”

A wedding, rings- these things mean less than waking up beside each other every day, less than raising a child together, less than choosing to spend their time together, less than confessing their hopes and dreams to one another.

But it is nice to formalize it. And better still, they can celebrate their love for the whole world to see, in a celebration that has Avalir buzzing with excitement.

They wed at the end of summer. It rains all day, then the skies part an hour before the ceremony, and they resume their plans of marrying in an outside courtyard, in Gallamor, near where they first met.

Both men don robes of deep blue and ceremonial armor. Evandrin is already more decorated than Zerxus, but that hardly matters. They had been parted early in the morning, Elias left to Cerrit’s care. When they meet again on the altar, they have eyes only for each other. The crowd- which includes the Ring of Brass, and the Ring of Silver, and many other prestigious figures in Avalir- whispers softly amongst themselves, but Zerxus does not hear. There, in front of him, is the love of his life.

“Welcome, all, to this most joyous union…” Quay begins, focusing on the two men before him, then smiling widely out at the crowd.

Evandrin beams at him; he’s always beautiful, always shining, but Zerxus especially knows it now. He’s resplendent, teeming with joy. Zerxus loves him so much.

But Zerxus thinks on it too long, and his eyes fill with tears; he takes half a step closer to Evandrin, who gives a watery smile and reaches up to hold his face. He presses their foreheads together, and they stand like that while the Quay continues. He speaks of love and commitment and Zerxus half listens, but mostly, he’s focused on Evandrin, who wipes the tears from his cheeks and breathes with him, until:

“Do you, Evandrin Alterra, swear to love, protect, and honor this man, as long as you both shall live?”

Evandrin beams at Zerxus. “I do.”

“And do you, Zerxus Ilerez, swear to love, protect, and honor this man, as long as you both shall live?”

“I do.” His voice cracks.

“I now pronounce you wed. You may kiss.”

They do. Zerxus eagerly closes the gap between them, and Evandrin responds in kind, and that is the beginning, and the end.

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khadaj-ballad-art · 2 years

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“I vow this. I bear your name. I bear it on this stone. And one day, I will bring you home.”

#critical role fanart #critical role fan art #fanart #exu calamity #exu calamity fanart #evandrin alterra #evandrin ilerez #zerxus x evandrin #zerxus ilerus #illustration #my art #evandrin

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psychicdamaged · 2 years

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(some ofmy favorite lines (so far) of the first 2k words of my zerxus/evandrin fic

#zerxus x evandrin #zerxus ilerez #critical role #cr #nat one #my writing #evandrin alterra #critrole #exu calamity #exandria unlimited calamity #exandria calamity

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annemarieyeretzian · 2 years

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evandrin stepping through the mist, reaching out to touch his husband, and zerxus, exhausted, saying “don’t touch me.” and evandrin saying desperately “I’ve waited so long to do only that.”

#annemarie watches critical role #critical role #evandrin alterra #evandrin #zerxus ilerez #zerxus #evandrin x zerxus #zerxus x evandrin #exandria unlimited: calamity #exandria unlimited calamity #exandria unlimited #exu: calamity #exu calamity #exu #calamity #fire and ruin

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always-and-anyways · 1 year

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“He bears a resemblance to Evandrin”

*Aabria just leaves the table*

#same girl #evandrin alterra #zerxus ilerez #zerxus x evandrin #this is a LOT #aabria iyengar #exu calamity #critical role

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icy-moons · 2 years

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new headcanon: Patia became friends with Laerryn and Loquatius because they tried to get a rush job marriage certificate from the Keeper of Scrolls

this is also how she became friends with Zerxus and Evandrin

#yes my headcanon for the seelies is a small courthouse wedding before having a big celebration on caithmoira #patia por'co #critical role #exu calamity #evandrin alterra #zerxus ilerez #loquatius seelie #laerryn coramar-seelie #loquaerryn #zerxus x evandrin

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setsailforthestars · 2 years

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Man these gay Paladins got me fucked all the way up

#critical role #cr spoilers #exu: calamity #zerxus ilerez #evandrin alterra #Zerxus x Evandrin

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dungeons-and-drawing · 2 years

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EXU CALAMITY SPOILERS!! These two make me cry every damn time. Good shit.

Next post will be my final calamity post! Its gonna be a stained glass version of the entire group so look forward to that!

#spoilers #critical role #exu calamity #exandria unlimited #dungeons and dragons #fanart #exu fanart #my art #dnd #zerxus x evandrin #evandrin alterra #zerxus ilerus

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khadaj-ballad · 2 years

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evandrin is going to decimate asmodeus with the power of true love, send tweet

I’m so happy I finally got an Evandrin anon comment!! I used it as motivation to draw some fanart. And if by true love, you mean Evandrin stealing the Mace of the Black Crown, and beating the piss out of the devil; you’re absolutely right!

But seriously I really want Evandrin and Elias to save Zerxus 😭

#evandrin ilerez #zerxus ilerez #elias ilerez #zerxus x evandrin #critical role fan art #fanart #asmodeus is hot and evil but it’s on sight b #how the f do you draw armor??? who is she? don’t know her #exandria unlimited: calamity #exu: calamity

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bartholomewtheant · 2 years

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#exu calamity #zerxus ilerez #zerxus x evandrin #evandrin ilerez #brennan lee mulligan #ppl seemed to like the acofaf one

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flavoredfaeman · 2 years

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Hey fun fact, way back in calamity episode one I misheard Brennan when he was talking about the peaceful dream scene with Zerxus, and so I thought his husband was the griffin. It took me until the final episode to go "wait Evandrin is not a griffin is he"

Yes I did think it was weird that he also had a job griffin and when the devil fella turned into Evandrin

#fae talks #cr #exu calamity #exu #exu spoilers #?#zerxus x evandrin #exu evandrin #evandrin alterra #evandrin ilerez #exu zerxus #zerxus ilerez

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primasveraas-writing · 2 years

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“and the world went away"

The title is from West Side Story. The full song lyric is “I saw you and the world went away.”

I listened to Billie Eilish’s “The End of the World” on repeat while writing this. It fits the theme very well, and I recommend listening while reading.

Exu Calamity spoilers lie ahead! And angst!

WORD COUNT: 1729

XXX

Zerxus is restless.

Sleep is plagued by nightmares, and his waking moments are filled with worry. Anxiety drowns him- he is busy as First Knight of Avalir, but there is still enough time for dread and worry to creep in during whatever quiet moments he stumbles into.

He tries not to think about his nightmares. The Replenishment approaches, and there is much to do. He will see Elias soon.

He tries not to think about his son. There is Avalir, bright, front, and center, and yet-

There is a dark pit in his stomach. There are holes in his heart. Some will never be healed, but his son- he is close, and his forgiveness alone could bring Zerxus back into the light. He could fix it all, if his sweet son had the strength in his own heart.

If Zerxus let him. If Zerxus truly wanted to heal.

And of course, that thought leads to greater fear and anxiety, and the underlying horror of what if he hates me? There are the nightmares, and the call to duty, and the still-throbbing loss of Evandrin, and underneath that, there is a quiet, thready pulse of my son my son my son- I’ll see him soon, and even if he hates me, I’ll see his face again.

He tries to picture his son, older- (You know I won’t look like this when you come home)- but all he sees is the young boy he had left behind. All he sees is Evandrin’s face, his eyes and his hair and his face, and although Zerxus can imagine his son, he cannot see him.

Quiet of his own making surrounds Zerxus. A part of him, that died years ago, misses late nights and early mornings with a newborn. Misses gentle snores and deep breaths in bed beside him, aches for the nonsensical chatter of a young child. He has not had a home since Evandrin died, and if his heart were whole, he might know the loss of one, noise and laughter and all.

The grief- what he feels and chooses not to feel- threatens to swallow him.

His nightmares get worse.

The Replenishment approaches.

Something is coming.

Something does. He hears his husband’s voice, sees his face, and pulls the Lord of Hells into Exandria.

There is chaos, and death is around every corner. The Ring of Brass is scattered and confused, and Zerxus cannot help them. He cannot think, cannot understand the magnitude of what he’s just done. But in all of it, in spite of everything-

Zerxus is foolish. When the world begins to end, he is relieved that his first thought is of his son- a cruel voice whispers that it took the end of the world for Zerxus to think of Elias before Avalir. A good father would always consider their child first.

Zerxus is not sure he’s a good father, but as the fires and screams begin, Zerxus fights his way to his son, before anything else can happen.

He makes his way down, down, down- through fire and smoke and death, to see his son. To warn him. To ensure his safety. To say goodbye.

He won’t recognize you. Not because your grief has shaped you, aged you, but because your soul has been blackened. You have changed, Zerxus Ilerez, and you are no father that Elias would know.

But nonetheless, his feet hit the ground- real ground, he is back on the earth, far from the clouds, for the first time in seven years-

Eaedalus greets him in the crowd of scrambling people, asks after his brother. He’s alive, Elias is alive-

“See him yourself,” Eaedalus says, and Zerxus finally does.

There is Elias- older and taller, and still so young in the face, but sorrow and wisdom and many more years of life shining in his eyes- and overwhelming love hits Zerxus, as strong as the first time. Love so powerful it chokes Zerxus, brings tears to his eyes, makes him stumble and his heart thud to a stop in his chest. Love like I cannot believe one person can feel this much and I think if I loved you any more it would destroy me.

(I loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you.)

Then he recoils in shock and fear, and Zerxus remembers that he is a monster, that he is covered in blood and gore, and worse still, there are horns sprouting from his head. He is marked by evil-

-and his son, 13, looks at him, and goes:

“Daddy?”

He is still a boy. Barely a teenager. Far from a man, no longer a child- until Zerxus looks in his eyes, and sees Elias, young and afraid, sees his son at five years old, before his world was shattered with grief and pain.

“Dad?”

“It’s me.” Zerxus is a traitor, a monster, to his city, to his people, to his son. “Just look at my eyes.”

There is no time. His city and the world are dying- Zerxus doesn’t have time to be here; there’s not enough time even for this rushed goodbye.

Elias deserves far more. He has deserved more his whole life.

You cannot choose him now. You are mine. You have dedicated years to this city, to your grief, to your own selfishness. You get minutes with your son. But you are mine for the rest of eternity.

“I have to go.”

Zerxus has only minutes. He got to see Elias’ face one last time.

His son stares at him, and there is fear and sorrow, and little else. He looks confused, and Zerxus doesn’t know what to do, how to comfort him- father and son, strangers-

“This is for you. Everything you’ve ever wanted to know about me and your father, it’s here.”

A book, instead of years of joy and time together, for the boy he loves but doesn’t know, hasn’t known, betrayed, left behind, failed. His husband’s flesh and blood, an echo of the person they both loved, and the only true remnant of the life they had together.

By dawn, Elias will be alone again, and that life will be truly gone.

“Dad, Dad- wait- I’m sorry! I’m sorry.”

There is so much regret, and it belongs to Zerxus alone. “You have nothing to be sorry about.”

“I do.”

In his hands, Elias holds a spell kite, complete and unsent.

They didn’t get to say hello, and now this is goodbye. Elias couldn’t bear to face his father, the man who abandoned him to grief, and now Zerxus is leaving again.

“I don’t know why I didn’t send it.”

I do. “It’s okay.”

“I don’t know why I didn’t-”

“You don’t need to explain yourself. I know why, and it’s okay. It’s okay.”

I have broken your heart a thousand times, in all the ways that parents do, and in so many more.

I’m going to break your heart again.

Please, please, understand, if only one far-off day.

“Elias, I loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you. Everything I’ve wished for you to know about me, it’s in this book. Take it with you.”

I have kept so many of my thoughts and dreams and wishes for him in this book.

My son, I loved your father so much that when I lost him, I forgot how to live.

I should have lived for you.

You were just a child.

When Zerxus looks at his son now, older and taller, sorrow and wisdom and years of life shining in his eyes, he still sees the boy he knew long ago, when their family was whole and happy, and things were right. That is the boy who begs for his forgiveness, who sees his father and what he has become and loves him.

He can’t breathe. He didn’t think anything could be worse than meeting Elias again. The love he feels, fresh and raw and renewed, was enough to kill him, and now it is mingled with endless grief, and it chokes him.

Elias- thirteen, seven, five- stares at him still.

“You will always be five years old to me, no matter how much you grow.”

My son, my son, my son.

All I will ever know is that I loved you.

“Dad!”

“I have to go.”

He tears himself away, and he feels his heart break over again the second Elias leaves his sight. Tempus nuzzles him, and then Elias is right behind him, holding the journal and spell kite and feather.

"Dad, tell me that you're going to be all right. Why do you look like this?"

Or: I cannot lose you too. What’s going to happen?

Zerxus cannot tell the truth, and cannot muster the strength to lie to his son, either.

“What you see on the outside doesn't matter, my son. Just remember what's here.” He looks at his son- young and beautiful and so much like his father. “Then you will always see me for who I really am.”

Before I was a monster, I was your father.

You will always be my son, no matter how far- how changed I am. And that matters

Tempus flutters his wings, and they lurch into the air. Zerxus hears Elias cry out, but he doesn’t look back until he is far above, watching Elias be dragged towards the ships until he disappears beneath clouds and smoke.

Avalir needs him now. If he helps the city, the world- then he gives Elias a better chance, too.

Avalir needs him now. He has failed his city, but there is an hour left.

There is nothing he can do and so much he can do. Dawn approaches. His son will live to understand, the Ring of Brass will die, and if Zerxus too lives, he will face a far worse ending.

Perhaps. Perhaps that is their fate. Perhaps there is more.

Zerxus turns to the sky and glimpses the last of the stars shining far above. Horns weigh heavy on his head.

The stars are bright before the break of day. He pictures how the next night will look, from the ground of a ruined world instead of high above on shining Avalir. Still, he knows that the night sky, hidden behind smoke and ash, will be the same bright and constant view when he finally sees it again.

#this fuckin series is so sad just kill me lmafo #exu calamity #exandria unllimited calamity #exandria calamity #exandria unlimited #zerxus ilerez #exu zerxus #zerxus x evandrin #cr zerxus #critical role #critical role fanfiction #critrole #cr #elias #cr elias #elias alterra #exu fanfic #exu evandrin #exu calamity fanfic

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