I want to publish my books one day. And I hope to whatever God is out there, that I can sell enough books that I don't have to work as a wage slave the rest of my life. I love being a chef, don't get me wrong. But the work is brutal, and I can't do this full time forever. Not since I got covid back in 2020. And I'm getting older. I don't know how long my health will last.

I will die one day, I know. But I want to leave my mark before I go. My books are my legacy. I won't be having kids, even if I was able. I was infertile even before HRT. My books are the engravings of my very soul. And I so dearly hope that people enjoy them, even when I'm gone.

And I WILL finish them. That much I promise. I have a whole trilogy, over a million words between them. They arent ready yet. Lost of fine tuning and lore inconsistencies to take care of. They tell a singular story, and so must be finished together.

And if Fate would have it, I will gladly write more books within the same universe. I would love to create more stories, of the lives of characters from different places and times. That would be a dream come true. No writer's block could stand in my way, if people actually enjoyed my books and asked me for more. Books are meant to be read, and the demand would drive me to create more.

That would be the greatest dream. I fantasize of a time and place when people make fan art and fanfics of my stories. Such a thing is the greatest compliment of them all. I dream of engaging people to such a degree that they bless me with such gifts. As improbable as it may be, this fanciful dream keeps me going, even as life tries to stop me. Even as the world tries and fails to end my life. I'm still here, bitch. And I'm not done yet.

Sorry, I'm a bit drunk right now. I only hope my life finds meaning through my written works. And that my soul find a new home when I'm free of this dysphoric moral shell.

I know there is more to mortal existence than my physical brain can conceive. Time didn't exist before space came to be. Time is a dimension we only perceive through the inevitable growth of entropy. This is why we can't remember the future. Even though time itself is but another dimension, we can't perceive it. Only the effect it has on 3d space.

We don't know reality. And I fear what awaits me on the other side of death. But I know that reality is so much more than what we see. This life is but light filtered through to our meat computers we call our brains. There's so much more that we can't see, trapped behind the veil of our universe's axioms.

We will all see the truth when we die, never to tell the living what we learned. I know that one day, even humanity will go extinct. So why do i want to leave my mark, knowing just how fleeting it is? I don't know. Perhaps that's the true meaning of nihilism. We make our own meaning in this life.

This is why I chose the name of Undeadentropy. When creation goes to die, the soul lives on beyond even death. My name is the essence of the soul. Impossible to prove by the laws of science, bound to this world as they are. But inevitable when considered through a philosophical lense. Undeadentropy is magic. A force that has no place in this universe. It has no axiom to bind it to any reality our moral minds can conceive. But it remains the only explanation for how those axioms, and our very universe, came to exist in the first place.

I love you all. And I hope we all find some meaning in this meaningless universe, where even the Divine can exist as nothing more than a feeling deep within our soul. And though we might fight and struggle within these flesh prisons, one day we'll be free. We will meet again, and laugh about this crazy dream we know as life. Until that day comes, take care of yourself. And know that I will always love you.

Wait did i ever mention neotropolis is gonna have like. Outright horror at certain points—

honestly how do I even tag this fic. Angst With An Ending. Open-Ended Existential Dread. Unreality Except Some Of It Is Real. Catharsis As A Frame Of Mind. Character & A Semi-Sentient Piece Of Overblown Jewelry And What It Represents. Not Really Hurt/No Comfort. Existiential Musings Without An Ending. Character Study With Added Worldbuilding. Eldritch And Indescribable Commonplace Actions. Character Is Repressed But Working On It. Character & Every Other Character + Himself + Himself (Alternate Version). Debating The Importance Of Authorial Intent. Not Breaking The Fourth Wall.

Journal entry 3/9/2023

Idk it still blows my mind that looking back being neurodivergent and not knowing how to take care of ourselves is basically what’s killed nearly every single person in my family

Just like. Nobody has ever known how to take care of themselves. Which mostly led to addiction and always led to circumstances where folks couldn’t take care of themselves anymore, or it was too little too late from years of damage. Everyone’s been in panic mode since at least the Irish potato famine, maybe longer.

The decision to break this cycle coupled with the conscious awareness that I have already achieved emotional development beyond the capabilities of my ancestors feels big in a way i struggle to conceptualize. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t ask to be born and I didn’t ask to be alive but I’m choosing to make the best of it (because at the end of the day, it’s really all I’ve got). Unfortunately to make the best of it I must also heal untold generations of emotional trauma, which I also didn’t ask to do.

I am filled with insurmountable gratitude as I know I am experiencing the beauty and joys of life with greater intensity than all those before me but grieve the incomprehensible loss of all of the lives my ancestors and family members could have lived if they were clued in on what was going on.

hi Pico. what do u think of oxidiot h8 existiential crisis

I like her a lot but you are aware you asked me to draw a runner who covers their eyes with an expression that places heavy emphasis on the eyes. right.

They kind of look like a white tiger with the pattern on their shirt, which was an accident but it looks pretty cool

Ask Game

What hurts? - Head

-The existiential dread of being a sentient machine created by gods that abandoned us

-shoulder

-legs

-chest

I have this intense existiential terror eating me up rn

W̷̯̜̄͐h̴̬́ẙ̵͎̈́̑ ̸̰̻͌̈̈́w̵̢͎̱͗͠o̶̠̤͑̅̀ụ̵̠̯͋̔l̸̤̅̊̒ḍ̵̓ ̴̪̎̀̎ỳ̶͕͕̰ọ̵̿̂̚ù̶̺͔̬́ ̴̟͖͒d̷̡̠̟̈́͊̂i̴̢̮̒̽s̵̺͙̲̒ą̵͈̍͘g̷̢̩̃͂̍r̸͔̱̊̋̑è̶̥̱́è̴̮͔̾?̵̛͕̿̅ ̸͔̦͍̒Ȳ̵͍̟͖̋̽o̵̠͒́̋ṳ̴͓͔̀̆ ̵̦̬̏̌ḓ̸̟͖̅͑ō̷͜ṋ̶͗̓͝ẗ̸̛͕̼́ ̸͉̼̼̈k̴̛͚̽͠n̴̢̒̍o̸̱̞̬̓͗̐w̶̘͗ ̶̢̻̎m̸̹͚̓͠e̷̡̳͗̚,̶̝̰̀ ̶̘̹̗̇̅͘w̶̬̠͔͌̈́e̵̮̙̋̕̕ ̸̡̰͍̂̾h̷̩͓̣͋͠͠á̸̲̣́v̵̡͆̾́ȇ̶͕̘ ̶͇͍̉s̸̛͉̲̃p̸͙̹͊̈ṏ̵͎̫̌ķ̵̮͛̀ẹ̶͔̩̀ṉ̷̲͛͋̀ ̸̧̗̻̅f̷̘́ȍ̵̰͠r̵̘̈́̏͌ ̸̳̩̂͊ͅọ̶͈͒̃͑ṅ̵̤͈̑͗l̷̖̞͗͆̅y̴̰̾ ̵̦̻̈́r̸̡̹͆͠͠ḙ̴̣̬̄͠ȧ̷͓͒l̵̨̗̀ͅl̵͉̩̰̈́̾y̷̟͙̯̿̒ ̸̨̯͂͆̌â̸̳̠ ̸̛̺̞͜d̶͉͌̓̄ȁ̷͕̲y̶̪̭̞̐̒.̷͙̞̫̈́̈́̓ ̶̨͎̣̋Y̶̧̨̲̿̑o̷͎̩͋̋u̸̺͈͒̕ ̸̣̹͂̑d̷̞̻͖̋ọ̶̪̌͛̈n̸̫̑̈́ṯ̵̅ ̵̙̊̈̑e̵̝͈̘̿v̶̭̪̒͋e̸̥͈̓͝ň̶̞͠ ̴̠̫̃͗͝ḵ̴̮͔̓͐̃n̴̖͒̎o̵̡̤͗̂̌w̵̻̱̕ ̴̟̯̔͆m̵͔̌̚ÿ̵͙͇̬́ ̷̱̣̟̀̉͑ṯ̷͂̂͒ͅr̴̗̤̕ǔ̸̜͔̹̈́͠e̴̫͗́ ̸̤̒͗͝i̸̦̱̻͐̕d̷͉͐̚ë̵͓́́n̷͕̿̃t̵̼̲͙͠i̵͎̒͝t̵͇̜͇̅̑̃y̶̰͊,̵͉̜̒ ̸̦͐i̴̤̜̿'̸̞̞̭̓m̶̺͗ ̵̗̤̥́s̴͕̼̍͠o̴̦̟͠ ̶̧͑̑ḿ̷͈̘̞ů̸̺̜c̸̛̣̊h̵̼̳͐̃̌ ̶͗̑͜o̷̢͝f̶͇͕̓̿ ̷̼̯̥̀̈́͝a̷̳͎̮̾̓͛ ̴̖̄͋c̸̞̃̅͝o̸̥̳̐̃͜ẃ̶̮͙̇͝ä̵̜̀ř̷̟̫̚d̵͚͋̀̒ ̵̫̥̰͐̅͂t̸͕͐͊̐h̴̙̒̐͝à̵̺́t̷̰̱̾ͅ ̸̬̈́͝y̴̨̘̙̌ǫ̵̞̻̓ṳ̸͓̘́̈́ ̸͔͌̔w̴̦͉͘͝ͅọ̸͉͊̿̍u̶͇̪̫͆̑l̵̎̅ͅd̸̥̊̎̏n̷̘̔́ṱ̶̦̂͂ ̶̹̅͑l̸̻̲͐̊ḯ̸͎̺̉k̸̡̻̙͘e̶̙̚ ̵̟͉̠͋̆m̵͕͛e̶̬̙̊̃͊,̷̺̘̠̃ ̴̪̬̼͐̒t̷͓̺͘h̷̪̊̐͒á̴̝̃̀t̷̢͇̹̕ ̸̢̺̭̊̅̚I̶̞̜͌'̸͙̖̪̾m̷͍̪̫̓͐̔ ̵̲̝̍̚ơ̴̻̞̥̈n̸̝̋ ̸̘̪͙̍á̵̛̟n̸̝̈̅o̷͔͋̚n̵̩̟̅̚.̸̞̙̄̚

I̴̡̩̠̥͈̟̖̤̺̯̻̦̬̭͒͗͜g̴̨̩̪̺̠̟̼̼̗͔̐̽̊̊̊̌͌͐͌͘͠ͅn̴̡̛͔̼͓̫͈͎͕̬̬̿͂̓͗̈́̊͒̿̐̐̈́́͒͐̇͝ô̸̬̞̗̋̋́̍̆͛̿͛̉͆̚͜͝͝͠r̸̮͚͎͚͕̈͂̈̄͂é̸̖͙̙̙͊̊̑͛̾͐̚͜ ̶̮͈͉̞͙͌m̴̡͔̹̪̫̹̮͓̠̙̲̯̊̓ͅȇ̷̡̨͚͕̜̖͚̳̗͔͚̪̺̱̮̓͂̋̀̇̿̐̀͂̄̌ ̶̧̙̗̰̹͎̞͈̭̬͇̣̜̲̘̰̾̒́͋͐̈̏̀̾͂̕͜͝h̸̹̹̟͔̓̿͑̇͛̀́́̍̆̅͛͒̏̈́͐͜a̴͖̅͂̈́͗̾͂͐͠v̷͇̝̱͖̂̏̊͐͗i̴̡̨͙̫͕͔̙̤͉̪̤̮̟̦̼̓̉̔̐͠n̴̙̅̓̄̆̎̊͒̈͊̄̀͐̚͝͝g̷͚̞͈̦̠̥̯̺̥͒́͂̕ ̶̡̛̜̥̈͗͌̄̋͝s̶̲͓̝̖͕̻̝̯̹̠̩̘̑̏͑̍̈́̈̑̓̋́͗̋̀͑͘ͅo̷̜̠͚̪͚͉̦͉̠̮̼̻͎̬͔̔̀̏ͅm̸̛̖͕̗̊͑̓̃͗̏͝͠e̷̡͖̫̦͖̞͉̝̘̼̔̎̇͘ ̵̲̱̯͖͚̣̗̲̼̽̈́̃̀́̽̋̂̀͜ͅs̵̝͇̭̹̥͕̏̌̐̎̆̅̇͛̍̓̿͘͘o̴̡̲̰̗͍͉͔̘̮̠̲̖̙̯͂͒ŕ̸͖̹͑̒̄̐̒͝ţ̶̛͔̫̗͍̫̹̦̯̣̌͆̈́̔̿̓̐̿̑͒̂̎̈́͘̚͜͝ͅ ̷̧̳̭̰̈ö̵̰̟́̀̀̅̅̎̌́̐̾̽f̷̣̭̰̼̲̞̖̘͓͋̅͒̈̃͛̓̕͘͜͝ ̸̧̳̣̝̰̫̬̣͔̜̘̄̇̂͐́̾͊̚͝ȅ̵͎̟̰̖̘̀́̆́͒̓̋͠x̶̢̨͔̗̺̝͖̝̲͉̺̭̭̯̻̯̗̆̎ì̵̢̦̙͙͉͒͑̽͆̇̒͂͋͌̚͝͝͝ͅs̵̢̛̰̮̥̳̮͔̯̘̹͚̜̐̓̒͗̿̈́͘t̷̢̞͙͓̖̼̣̤͇̜͉̪̊͌̊͂͌̾̌́̑̑̏̈̀͒̒̓͜͜͜i̸̡͑͆̓͌e̸̛̜͙̔̿͊͗̉͋̆̃͘n̸̝̈́̎̍̈́͝t̸͙̱͚̭̻̣̣̗̫̽̽̆̂̒͋̇͐̂̚͝͝i̴̛͙̰͙̥̰͔͙̪̳͆͛̍̀̑͝a̸̢̢̡̛̫̜̙̮̻̞͂͒̉̽̄͆̂̚l̸̖̖͚̰͕͔͈̜̖̺͚̱̘̟̖̈́̎̊̈́̍͊͛͒͋͑̀͠ͅ ̶̛͓͎̯̪̬̖̣̂̉͗͂͘͜͝c̵̡̨̖̫̦̼̼͇̣͇͉̖̳̬̺̃̆̅̈̓̋̽̋͘͘͠ͅr̴̡̢̡̙̰̺͔̪̳̪̯̞͈̔́̉̀̓̾̒̕͝ị̸̢̤̙̙͉̺̜̲̪̯̖͔̀͜ͅͅş̵̨̲̦͇̞̩͕͓͕̜̙́̑̍͌̎͊̈́͝ͅi̸̡͙͕̞̠̰͓͑̊̽̄̌̓s̸̡̜͓̯̦͎͕̗̳͚̼͑̇̾͂̐̀̎͋͂͌̿͗̈̽̚ ̶̢͔̙̺͓̘̱̞͔̼͇͌̎͆̉͂̏̋̏̾̌̐͘̕͘o̶̧̨̝̭̰̯̟͕͚̯̟̱͉͌̍̉̅̒̋̃͂̏̐̋͘̚v̸̨̼͖̱̹̼̦͚͐̀͗̌̄͛͒͠ͅȩ̸̞̝̗̉͒͆͊̎͛r̷̮̙̒̒͛̓̆̏̆̒̕̕̚̚͠͝͝͝ ̶̨̢̡͇̠̝̞̱͕̯̩̟̼̭̙̘̓̆̐͊͛̈̏̈́̓̔͜͝͠h̶̢̡̤͖͕̺̙͙̼̳̪̯̤̮͛͑̀͆̐̈́͑̕͝͠͝ȩ̴̡̖̥̞͓̬̩̯͔̻͔̻̘͖͑͛́̈́̒̋̋͑̇̚͘ṙ̵̛͔̩͖͎͖̩͍̘̻̠͕̩͓̝̜̺̃̓͛͂̓̃̂͊̋̌̀̀ḛ̵̻͓̭̺̒́̇̃̀̊̏̾̑̂̈̕̚͠͝͝.̵̠̪̉̅̉ ['Why would you disagree? You dont know me, we have spoken for only really a day. You dont even know my true identity, i'm so much of a coward that you wouldnt like me, that I'm on anon. Ignore me having some sort of existiential crisis over here-'] -G̵̭͉̯̪̱̩̗̞̠̻̪̀͋́̄͆̇͂̈͋̂́̅̀̚̕͘̕ļ̴̻̹̪̦̠̅̆̊̾͂̚͜ͅį̷̱̻̖͖̭̭̜̦̀̐́͑̇̎̓͠͝t̶̩̲̙͐́͌c̴͖̳̻̘̖̫̜̘̫̒̇͑̍͌̀͌͌͋̊̀̔̄̚̕͘͘͜h̷̛̬͑͐̏̽͊͐͊̈́͂̈̐͋͜͠y̴̢̧̙͈͆̋̽͂͐̀̊̍̄̓̔̕͝͠͝

[[ I’m not cooler than you. ‘S not how it works. ]]

[[ we’re cool for our own reasons, even if we don’t know each other very well. ]]

[[ I’m not very cool. ]]

You could demolish a dennys I just know it

(Is that to me or the lil caterpillar--)

(...To be fair, the answer is yes to both, I think. She'd eat them out of house and home but also try to hide pancakes in her clothes for later and then they'd rot.)

(I'd just get kicked out for making too many jokes... or would I? ...Well, it's hard to have a sense of self when you're in a position like mine. Maybe I wouldn't.)

(...One sec, I'm gonna go refill my water bottle at the cooler and try not to have a whale sized existiential crisis.)

oh no peepaw getting existiential

New pale waves single next week AND i finally get to see Blue Deputy next week AND at least one UK cinema chain has a coming soon datw for I Saw The TV Glow maybe I will be able to feel something besides existiential emptiness and rottenness and guilt

[Podcast | T-alks] Tập 9 – Khủng hoảng hiện sinh

Xin chào mừng các đồng chí đã quay trở lại với buổi đàm đạo uống trà thứ 7 hàng tuần T-alks tại trạm dừng chân của Hiko. Hôm nay, ở tập 9 của chương trình, tôi và Jocaster đã có một ngày thứ bảy ngày 11 tháng 11 khá nhiều suy tư cùng với chủ đề “Existiential Crisis – Khủng hoảng hiện sinh”. Hi vọng quý đồng chí sẽ tìm thấy được một điều gì đó sau khi nghe xong cuộc trò chuyên này. Mọi ý kiến…

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Neotropolis Yapping Time:

Something i thought about with him is like. Hes very existiential and constantly questioning himself. But I cant help but wonder what he’d be like if he DIDNT really question having free will. He was built with the purpose to have free will, no matter what else is imposed upon him should come second nature to being able to make a Choice. But then… if he acts on his free will, isn’t he still technically built with the “Purpose” of having free will??

ohhh my god im so short. why am i so short this doesnt even make sense i should be like. 8'0 at the very least. Clearly

Me realizing i probably shouldn't have an existiential crisis in the replies of my ap euro discussion board: *slowly deletes last few sentences*

*has an existiential crisis cos apparently this is the last year of generation alphas being born and then theres fucking generation BETA and what the FUCK do you mean theres gonna be 2 generations younger than me next year-*