#existence fulfilling interest
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EFI - Existence Fulfilling Interest
“For Ghosts it’s called an Obsession, for Autistics it’s called a Special Interest, for ADHD it’s called Hyperfixation, and for anyone else it’s simply Passion. Being at the intersection between all of these means struggling with which term to use and when. Thanks to our little linguist though, we don’t have to struggle anymore.”
#pronounced {Effy} or {F E}#this is for a fanfic I’m writing#just wanted to share this with others#my creation#EFI#existence fulfilling interest#EFI term creator#obsessions#special interests#hyperfixations#passions#danny phantom#this is for a dpxdc fic but#its grounded in dp lore so
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I find it kind of silly that so many of those "time based life rule" sayings are like ~deep serious guidelines~ of some sort, but then there's that one other Well Known Rule that's just like "hrmm can I eat something off of the ground or not"
#the duality of human condition.. two biggest concerns in the modern era are attempts at self fulfilling productivity#and also 'if i drop my sandwich can i still eat it :('#Also while capitalism is often linked with/the source of hyper productivity culture - note that I do not mean the images in that context#'meaningful to you' does not have to mean 'productive within a capitalist system'. The point is not 'every waking hour of every day#must be spent in the most societally productive grinding mindset hyper efficency mode possible' but more like#if you've always wanted to learn french ever since you were a kid and you think it would be fulfilling to you (just because you like it#absent of any larger purpose like using it for a job/monetizing it somehow/etc.). and you've just spent like 5 hours straight on tiktok#or something mindlessly scrolling the internet. maybe someimtes it'd help for your own personal fulfillment in the long#run to try to - the next time you have 5 spare hours - work on learning french or something that is actually significant to you#as a person and that you'll be glad you worked towards. instead of weeks and weeks passing by and feeling you have nothing to show for it#or etc. AAANYWAY. The images/rules themselves are also NOT the main point of this post. More just the juxtaposition of them together#and the fact that 3 of them are serious seeming while one is so mundane it seems silly in comparison.#BUT even though they're not the main point . I still didn't want it to come across as if I was like promoting or buying into capitalist#productivity culture propaganda or etc. I don't find productivity tips like this inherently bad as long as they're kind of divorced from#those ideas. I think it's still important in life to have goals even if those goals exist outside of the typical expected framework.#I mean that's actually part of why a culture of chronically exhausted overworked deprived people is damaging because if you#'re forced to spend 85% of your waking time working at some job that is perosnally meaningless to you that brings you nothing that#youre only doing under threat of starvation and houselesness and etc. then of course you don't have much time for hobbies or things you car#about and of course you'll feel more aimless and personally unsatisfied and like life is not fulfilling or interesting.#Productivity and efficiency is GOOD actually. as long as it's able to be directed in ways that are actually meaingful to the community or#individual and bring some sort of feeling of fulfillment or progress or accomplishment and working towards a person's personal ideas#of happiness whatever those are. rather than just working away aimlessly so some guy you don't know can buy a 20th house or etc. etc.#ANYWAY.. lol.. Me overthinking things perhaps.. probably not as likely#that people see the silly little cat images and go 'WOW EVIL you must be a capitalist grind culture lover' like its pretty clear#thats not the point... but... just in case... lol.. I loooove to over clarify things that don't actually need clarification
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Who wants to see one of the dumbest purchases I've ever made in my life?
An actual 1881 copy of a book with all the info your average American could possibly want about the recently-assassinated President James Garfield. It was just sitting there at the used bookstore! I didn't even have to fight anyone for it!
As far as I can tell, it includes:
the campaign biography that was written for his presidential election
transcripts of some of his speeches, including the speech to nominate John Sherman at the 1880 Republican Convention, and his inaugural address
a full account of the assassination
recountings of his final moments and the funeral
the autopsy
a history of the Lincoln assassination for some reason
accounts of the world's reaction to the assassination
a list of all the prominent world figures who'd recently been assassinated
a whole lot of eulogies by some people who knew him and probably a bunch who didn't
This gets detailed. There's a full chart of every single round of voting from the 1880 Republican nomination convention.
A short bio of our boy Chet Arthur (with astounding illustrated sideburns).
And lots of illustrations!
As a book, it's not something to sit down and read (or to trust with much historical accuracy as a biography). As a historical object, though, I'm going to get an absurd amount of delight out of this stupid thing.
#history is awesome#presidential talk#and with this post i've fulfilled 50% of my reason for buying it#i should have been content to know this exists#and just left it on the shelf#i paid more than i wanted to for it#but for a book this old and obscure it's actually a steal#do i need it? no#does anyone? not unless you're writing a biography#but this is not about practicality#it's about the fact that i find it hilarious that this exists#in a random used book store#and fits in with one of my historical niche interests
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[languid] people sometimes go like ‘wow stella you really understand writing romance’ (deserved) and they wonder where my insight comes from. the answer is simply to understand misery in a relational context.
#my ramblings#if people didn’t have romantic needs they wouldn’t get in romantic relationships#(broadly speaking. obv there are exceptions and extenuating circumstances)#(and I'm specifically coming from a narrative perspective.)#and romantic needs are some permutation of relational needs#therefore there is a need that must exist and a need that has to be fulfilled (or ‘fulfilled’) by the love interest#being consoled. getting support. the pressure and drive to improve. having different and more exciting problems.#the illusion of a happy future. self-flagellation. a kindred spirit. a new perspective.#literally it doesn’t matter what as long as it exists and directs the relationship in some fashion#at least for emotional relationship development#but emotional goes with physical which is what tends to fall apart with clumsily executed romances#emotional development doesn’t match physical development or vice versa#I guess not all cases of ‘having a need’ would be considered ‘experiencing romance’ but it’s good for the ✨drama✨#siiiiggghhh I’m gonna reread some manga#just take the man vs nature man vs man man vs self framework and figure out how it manifests and develops in an interpersonal context#internally and externally#ok good night#time to talk the romos
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So there's that D&D class quiz going around, & I took it & was so deeply offended I got Paladin.
& so I have had conversations with both Bestie & Birdfriend about this grave insult & they both were like, "Well... They have a point?" & informed me that my desire to absorb hits meant for others & deep drive to help whenever I actually can & strong convictions make me a bit Paladin-coded.
& I am just so... Idk. It's just interesting to get glimpses of yourself from other people's POVs. To be told that my defining characteristics are protecting & healing others & being incredibly fighty about the things I care about... Especially as someone whose brain specifically fixates on whether I care enough, do enough, give enough... Yeah. It's just kinda wild.
Anyway, I'm now adjusting my self-perception to include the fact that if I were a D&D character, I would be an Oath of the Ancients Paladin & not a wizard & that actually that's okay.
#I don't Believe many things#because I prefer to stay open to new perspectives#& think that a balanced approach to life involves embracing a certain level of ambiguity in reality#but the things I do Believe in?#Oh I Believe them with all my heart.#I don't know how my belief system will change in the future#But I do know that above all else I believe in Kindness#Kindness to yourself Kindness to everyone around you Kindness to nature#The point of society is to ensure Everyone is treated well & can enjoy existence as much as possible#The point is Joy. The method is Kindness.#& if you aren't fighting for Everyone to be taken care of & respected & treated with Kindness#then I am not interested in your revolution.#If you hate the people against you more than you love the people you're fighting for?#You're missing the goddamn point.#(Please note I'm speaking of Kindness as a separate concept from Niceness.)#(Sometimes you cannot be Kind without being Not Nice to someone who is doing unkindnesses.)#(But I feel like a lot of people mistake that concept for an excuse to deny those they disagree with Kindness.)#(& my dudes you don't actually have principles if they only apply to people you like & agree with.)#There is no freedom until everyone is free includes the people you don't like.#While I am not free right now due to my various axes of oppression & the oppression others face#I'm also not gonna be free if we straight up murder & imprison the current oppressors#Trading one oppressive system for another isn't actually all that radical???#Just 'cause you think 'the right people' are being oppressed doesn't make oppressing them okay?#Like I'm a leftist because I believe Literally Everyone should be allowed to live whatever fulfilling life they want#so long they as aren't doing a damage to someone else in order to do so.#Not because I think I think the wrong people are oppressed.#Hm now that I've written this fucking essay on ethics in my tags#I am seeing Bestie & Birdfriend's points...#Birdfriend legit said that I'm the '**smacks others while screaming** BE! KIND! TO! EACH! OTHER!' type of Paladin.#I guess they were right.
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i think i may have a phone addiction
#i actually dont think that i literally forget it exists half the time but it is kinda crazy the amount of time i can spend on that thang#doing nothing interesting or meaningful or fulfilling or new im just like woagh. instragra m post#txt
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I actually do have very complex thoughts about many different things, it’s just a bit challenging to connect the inner voice to the outer voice sometimes </3
#random post#I have SO many thoughts and ideas. I love to create and I love to build on what I have and I like to connect to existing things#there is lots of oc lore in my brain! it graces my blog sometimes. not always. it’s hard to put abstract feeling and thought into words#and it’s challenging trying to find the best place to start talking about things yknow? like I as the creator of this whole unique universe#pretty much already know how things end up. how they’re going. how it started. some are easier to know than others. but that doesn’t stop me#from trying create for it. or searching for the missing piece to start the domino effect of development and fulfillment#it’s hard to see where the pieces fit sometimes. but getting a new angle or changing something about the piece can make finding where it#belongs easier. this is what I mean when I say I have very intricate and complicated thoughts. not spending too long writing my sentences or#overthinking them helps to keep things as they are in my head. since I’m not filtering them into something almost unrecognizable#writing a paper in a single sitting in a set time really helps me produce a unified and intricate product. I’ve been told I write well#which I find mildly humorous. I’ve never been a writer by choice really. I’m an artist that works with a physical visual piece rather than#letters that convey meaning. I’m more of a thinker than a writer. but in some instances they’re one in the same. I’m rambling but y’all know#that about me by now I’m sure hahagahaha. yea. my OCD makes me spend too long on words and that’s why I always talk in a short way#a more simplistic way. leaves less room for the mind to pick out flaws if everything is flawed on purpose yknow? haha yea. I like me yknow?#and other people like me too! that will never cease to surprise and amaze me haha. I’m one of those people that has an easier time with#people different from themselves. the people I’ve known and spoke to throughout my life are so very different from me. but they all feel#comfortable to share their experience with me. a lot of these people on paper would be ones I’d try to avoid I guess. differing opinions and#world views yknow? but the way I am. gives people comfort I’ve found. I’m not bragging about that it’s just interesting. it’s the same with#my whole household like we meet people that are like. idk a good descriptor but they’re very set in a specific way. and then we just?? they#like us?? idk it’s just funny to think about my dad getting along with legit crazy people or my mom being the person who’s the favorite of#the least liked / polite person in the office. or my brother and sister being very well liked in their schools but are just average students#who aren’t trying to be more than kind. or when I as myself. with the thoughts and opinions I have. am able to get along with anyone I#come across. I’m really not trying to be bright about that I’m just an. empath? I guess? I’m just very nice to people and meet them at their#level and don’t try steering the conversation to smth bad or controversial. but even then people will still talk to me and like me cus I’m#not putting them down or hating on them for how they think and feel. I listen. I can understand them. not agreeing with their views doesn’t#mean I can’t get why people think or feel how they do. I try to not be biased or entirely antagonist to things different than me#I’ve gone my whole life not understanding a lot of things. and over time I’ve learned them. I go into experiences with people like that#I may not understand yet. but I’ll learn to. that’s probably the main reason why people feel comfortable around me. that and also I have#a smile pretty much always lol. I’m small and non threatening lookin with a single dimple on the cheek and eyes so dark you could see the#faintest light reflected in them. anyways I have gone into several different directions with this and kinda lost the main point I was making
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i’ll be honest i do find the idea of NarraGaster in deltarune pretty delightful as headcanon because it’s like. when speaking directly to someone he’s heavily masking and stilted and awkward but when he can hide behind the anonymity of writing narration/help text he loosens up a lot. he’s got kind of a playful, dry sense of humor and and likes telling little jokes and stuff
he even wisecracks about gaster fanon lol
(also a callback to papyrus’s tall sink in undertale which. 🥺 buddy…)
#headcanon zone#i just. think it’s interesting that yeah the narration in deltarune certainly seems non-diegetic from an in-universe perspective.#but we have one known character in deltarune who exists above that universe and seems to be fulfilling a ‘game dev’ role to some degree#i absolutely don’t think gaster made the deltarune universe but he may have made the Game — that is to say. the interface#it’s also entirely possible that the bulk of the narration is truly Just Toby#and that’s meant to contrast with moments like seeing the Man and the end of chapter 2 when it suddenly seems to have an agenda#deltarune’s narrator is non-diegetic except when it isn’t lol.#whatever NarraGaster is just fun to me ok. ok!!!#$ narration station
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#Back to college. My attachments to people have withered away almost completely. Its refreshing but also boring. Not caring about the-#-outcome of a situation leaves life feeling dull. I almost want to get as mad as I did and as sad as I once did to feel something.#Maybe that’s why I get into relationships all of the time because it’s stimulating enough. I just feel empty and like I’m playing a part-#-in a play. In this play I have two special interests (people) and both aren’t very fulfilling or justifiable.#I am a scholar and I am making my life as beautiful and whole as I can. I am attempting to remain the most attractive person inside and-#-out that I can. I am falling back into my narcissism and I genuinely do believe that I am better than others.#There’s no to answer to any of this worry around relationships because it’s pointless.#People are people and there are many more to meet and love. I need something new soon. I want to be happy but I can’t feel it.#My personality and interests and successes don’t exist outside of someone else observing them. Similar to quantum physics. So..#..are narcissists actually wrong and everyone else is pretending that they exist outside of observation?#I kind of don’t care either way. I’m kind of done. If they want to leave they can. If they want to stay they can. Choose wisely.#grey god
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getting to midtown in stray like “oh no the robots have cops”
#the slums were so nice#everyone was very sweet and seemed to be looking out for each other or at least all existing with minor grievances (eg the dropped paint)#then midtown has cops and ‘troublesome’ teenagers and criminals#and THEN! i nearly cried when i got to the top level and none of the robots have developed any personality 😭 they’re all just cleaning#and fulfilling their programming and old comands#stray spoilers#stray game#crow.txt#i feel like the higher up you go the less personality the robots have#like they’re less developed#which is interesting
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The knowledge that my mere existence is enough to challenge the views of some people is absolutely bonkers to me. Tbh.
#rambling#thinking about my interactions with others related to my transness lolz#thinking about the amount of people who have reacted with hostility to my status as a trans person-- not because they /hate/ me for it-- bu#because they didn't know that someone like me could really exist. they had these already preconceived notions that you're born one way and#that you stay that way. the idea that gender and sex are both biological and not malleable.#that there are certain roles which you're born with an obligation to fulfil.#but the very existence of trans people directly combats that idea.#and that's /uncomfortable./#this isn't a means to /excuse/ their hostility by the way. i'm just thinking about it. explaining it to myself i guess.#not all hate is born out of... well. hate.#a lot of it is simply from ignorance.#and that's interesting to me.
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any time I see people tying minor world events to economics I’m like. that’s not how economics works. I know you want it to be how it works so you can blame someone. but that’s not how it works in any country or global economy.
#it’s like saying gravity only exists on Tuesdays#this is directly looking at two things:#one: saying the FFR (federal funds rate) is why ‘start up’s’ in the gig economy are failing#and two: someone saying we should cause a bank run (multiple bank runs) when we’re still in pre-recession waters#per point one: the FFR is for banks and credit unions and determines what rate at which lending happens#it effects things like housing; car loans; savings accounts; etc because it sets a floor at which interest rates have to be#it does not affect how much money VCs pour into companies they think are going to be worth billions#which VCs pour money into them so they get a % of the company as stock#so they’re incentivized for the company to do well and make them a profit when they go public#not to say these companies might not have traditional bank loans but it’s very unlikely for the amount they’re spending#additionally as we all should have learned from the Glass-Stegel act and the 08 crash#banks need to keep their commercial investments and consumer investments separate#so yes these companies are failing…. but for other reasons like increased regulation; changing preferences in the consumer and economy;#but MOSTLY they were unsustainable businesses at the onset; they didn’t need to be profitable; just go public and make billions on stock#now for point two this one is simple: IF YOU CAUSE MULTIPLE BANK RUNS#THEY BECOME A SELF FULFILLING PROPHECY#AND THEN MORE BANKS FAIL AND WE GET A RECESSION#all caps were necessary here#if you look at the Great Depression (a great example of a banking panic)#not all of the banks were initially failing#but by people panicking about their money (and a lack of the FDIC at the time)#but because people panicked and pulled their money out the banks failed anyway and caused the worst recession in US history#so yes feel free to cause a banking run and tank the economy#it’s likely Europe will enter a recession in the next 6 months so please exacerbate the situation#(which because global economy will push us further into possible recession)#I’m sure people will have plenty of time to feel smug and superior while sitting on a mattress of cash and looking for jobs#ugh anyway bad economics bothers me#just cause you watched a dude rant about it on YouTube (when he doesn’t know what a Phillips curve is) doesn’t mean you know economics#thoughts? thoughts#or: wHy DoNt YoU jUsT bAlAnCe ThE eCoNoMy LiKe My ChEcKbOoK
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so many ideas/concepts yet no clue how to draw them :/
#ramblings#i have this one idea where in the start gehrman's house/living space so devoid of any personality#like everything he owns pretty much exists to fulfil some kind of direct function#there's nothing he has that says anything about who he is or what his interests are#and it's only really after maria comes into his life you start to see some changes#like photos and decorations etc start to appear around the place#but it's like how tf do i draw that TT_TT#i also have an idea with gehrman and ludwig about the ways on coping with grief - ludwig's way being the healthier one#basically gehrman wanting the pain of his grief to go away and tried to distract himself with the hunt and later by making the doll#which took a significant toll on his health#meanwhile ludwig was eventually able to recontextualise his grief#so instead of seeing it as pain he views his grief as all the unexpressed love that he never got to tell her T_T#but again... how tf do i draw that
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💚
#tbd#saw a post on the dash and i need a reminder to write something about it at some pojnt#but i have so few ship interests with silver because i simply can't? see them?#he's utterly devoted to mal and lilia#they literally complete his life and his worth is determined by serving his prince and the father that saved him and gave him his existence#if ch7 hasn't made that perfectly clear#im even verging on the point of saying he would have abandoned his guard duties to follow lilia#and this is why i really want a satisfying conclusion for lilia's departure and recognition of silver as his son#silver needs it even though he'd never say it to lilia#and lilia i think is holding himself back from realizing how fulfilled his life truly has become with silver in it#im so Normal over their tiny family pls protect them#twst spoilers
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I don’t know how to explain to people that a female character not being interested in one (1) guy does not automatically exclude her from being bisexual.
#bi people tending to be attracted more to women overall is a thing. bi people only being interested in one person at a time is a thing.#idk like. I definitely like men. but when I was younger...liking girls was HARD. (it's still hard. given where I live lmao) so...there can#still be an element of 'how do I cover up these feelings I have for other women' like...'oh I know I CAN have a fulfilling relationship with#a man so maybe I should just will one into being so I don't have to deal with the Sapphic Feelings™'#and in college there was definitely a lot of 'what if I'm not Bi Enough™ to actually use this label' and it resulted from every time I#was attracted to someone (of ANY gender) I felt like I had to balance that out with an attraction to someone of another gender#anyway sexuality is complicated and bi people exist don't be weird#(also this isn't even me being like 'all unlabeled character I like are bi because I say so' like there are some female characters that#utterly SCREAM 'lesbian' to me. I am just asking people not to invalidate the experiences that bi people have because I don't only see this#in a fandom context it happens all the time irl too. before I turned off anon I even got someone telling me that bi people bring erasure on#themselves-ostensibly for not being '''queer enough''' so like. please use half a braincell for two seconds.)
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i think all the aquadrant trolls would be culled because we live in a troll society so there wouldnt be any titles for them
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#homestuck confession#mod anu#They live in a society where it's required by the empire to provide for the future generations#But that doesn't mean the feelings dont exist probably#They could still fulfill their duties while nor having any feelings towards the other troll#Do you think thats why Nepeta's shipping service is so important?#For trolls that dont have an interest in anyone#Nepeta and others like her can find compatible partners temporarily
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