#even after i woke up in between and distracted myself and then went to sleep
Text
i need my nightmares to calm tf down
#i kept going on????#even after i woke up in between and distracted myself and then went to sleep#like it just continued and continued
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
Overthinker
pairing(s): larissa weems x reader
warning(s): overthinking, mentions of past toxic relationships, self depreciating thoughts
summary: You want to make things official with larissa but you can’t help but overthink it all
word count: 1.7k
A/N: this was purely self indulgent i’ve been in such a shit ass mood and my brain as been all over the place, i’m super fucking anxious and on top of the i start testosterone so my hormones are all over the place i just need to let it out so here we are dbdhf as always pls let me know what you think and enjoy :)
I woke up and immediately knew she was gone without opening my eyes. Being the principal means she has responsibilities and things that need to be done causing her to wake up even before the sun. Although it’s admirable and I respect her for how much passion she has for being the principal here, I just wish I could wake up next to her every morning. To feel her breath on my neck and her stray hairs tickle my face, to gaze into those big blue eyes tracing the wrinkles that prove she’s lived and laughed which I find absolutely breathtaking. Her skin was soft and it was almost addicting to touch. I never want to leave when she’s near and when she’s gone all I can think of is when I’ll see her next. but she is not mine. not that I don’t want her to be I would want her even in death. it’s just in the past things haven’t always worked out in my favour so I’ve been waiting for her. I don’t know why but in my silly mind somewhere it makes sense that if she’s the one who asks for us to be official it means she really actually likes me and wants to be with me (as if she hasn’t already been in my bed but that doesn’t mean she wants to be in a relationship with me).
This is where I decided to stop the spiral that was clearly starting to happen to actually get up and get ready to teach my botany class. Hopping into the shower she’s still the only thing on my mind. Reminiscing on the way her hands grazed my skin and how she whispered sweet words in my ear. Last night, among many nights, I had stopped by her office for wine and conversations that always have me hanging off her every word. We had been flirting back and forth throughout the little meetings that we’d been having for the past few weeks. Then more recently, falling into bed with her after one too many glasses, sometimes just to peacefully sleep and well other nights sometimes we do a little more than sleep. I’ve honestly really enjoyed getting to know her, from her time at Nevermore to before I came to work here. She filled me in on what had happened with the previous botany teacher and how Marilyn almost killed her. I have never hated a person more when being told that story but I'm very thankful to Wednesday for being there so Larissa could too.
After dressing for the day I made my way down to breakfast hoping even to get a glimpse of the blonde goddess. I scanned over the crowd to see if she was maybe there but after seeing her nowhere to be found I begrudgingly grabbed some fruit and water and sat down with the rest of the teachers. As I quietly eat my food I can't help but feel sad that I still haven’t even seen a strand of perfectly placed blonde hair.
At least teaching will be a welcomed distraction. I’ve always loved teaching and it was easy to get lost in telling the kids about the plants, their different abilities and each of their needs. I even enjoyed the rare casual conversations between the students, mainly enid if I’m being honest. When lunch rolls around I am once again disappointed by the lack of presence of a certain principal, but I'm sure she’s very busy I tell myself. It’s just that she always made time to see me and it had always been the highlight of my day. Recently it had felt I was starting to see less of her, maybe not to her fault but I couldn't help the places my mind went to. Thoughts of not being enough or even what she's looking for plague my mind and all of a sudden I can’t stop the avalanche of negative thoughts that roll through my head. My first thought is to run to her and have her reassure me it’s all in my head, but I don't want to have a repeat of the last time.
In my previous relationships, I was told I was too clingy and sensitive, and that all my overthinking was too much. The need for reassurance was just too often and I was just too much. I don’t want to scare her off before I even get a chance so instead I put everything to the back of my mind and push through as always. As my last class of the day rolls around it starts to become clear that I’m not 100% myself as I keep dissociating to clear the thoughts from my head.
“Hey, prof. You okay?” A student in my class asks me as they leave the room
“Yeah of course, just didn’t get much sleep is all,” I say with my usual smile
“Right, okay well make sure you get some sleep, see you tomorrow!” They smile and run out of the door. Once I see that the door had closed fully, I slump back into my chair exhausted emotionally and physically. I start grading papers and working on later assignments that I will need while contemplating whether or not I should stop by Larissa's office as usual. After having a full blown argument in my head my insecurities once again rain trumpet when I decide it's best if I just go back to my own dorm for once. With the excuse that she’s probably really busy and would rather be alone. I decide to distract myself with reading and other small activities that usually bring me joy which doesn’t seem to be working all that well. I eventually give up and fall asleep feeling like something is missing.
The next morning seemed to go by even slower than the last with still no sign of Larissa causing me to question whether or not Larssia had even shown interest in me during those nights or if I had wanted it so bad I made it all up in my head. I almost broke and went to see her when I suddenly received an email from the woman herself asking to see me really quickly in her office. Assuming it must be school related otherwise she would have texted me, I rush out of my classroom and make my way to see her.
When I arrive at the door I can’t help but feel the butterflies start in my stomach in anticipation of seeing her. Even though my thoughts are hell bent on convincing me she wants nothing to do with me I’m afraid my heart will always be with her. I hear a faint come in so I slowly make my way into the office. I look up to see her sitting at her desk playing with the edge of one of the papers laying in front of her.
“Y/N, please come sit” she gestures to the seat across her. “You didn’t come by last night” she states.
“I didn’t know you wanted me to,” I say back looking anywhere but at her so I don’t reveal my true feelings.
“Of course I did… I…” she trails off seemingly not knowing what to say before she blurts out “Why have you been so distant all of a sudden?” She questioned, at first I thought she was mad before I just barely hear her mutter “did I do something wrong?”
“omg no, no you could never” I move from my spot across from her to kneel by her side. Taking her hands into mine I bring each to my lips placing delicate kisses along the back of her hands. I glance up at her concerned eyes already upset with myself for causing her to doubt herself. “it’s not you, this is probably the stupidest thing to say but really it’s me and my stupid brain..” I glance over at the fireplace before looking back at her obviously patiently waiting for me to explain. “ I just... I don’t know. When you suddenly got too busy to come to see me through the day I thought maybe… I don’t know what I thought.” I did though, I just didn’t want to say. Her hands move from my hold up to my face to caress the line of my jaw comfortingly.
“It’s okay if you can’t find the words, darling,” She says kindly not knowing how hard it was for me not to just dump all my past relationship drama right then and there. I sigh knowing I have to start owning my shit and realizing that she might be more understanding than I initially assumed. I stand up and see her questioning gaze wondering what I’m doing. I pull her up by the hands that were just holding my face before switching so that I was now sitting in her office chair and pulling her back down to sit in my lap.
“ I know I probably shouldn’t have just hidden away, I have some unresolved trust issues that I definitely need to work through. I just don’t want what we have to just go away and I was worried maybe you had changed your mind about me. I love what we have but… would you be mad if I maybe wanted... More though?” I could barely look into her eyes, scared of rejection and scared of losing her. Her hand comes up to my chin guiding my eyes back to hers instead of anger or disgust like I had imagined her eyes were soft and curious even.
“more?” She inquired maybe not understanding but more probably because she wanted to hear me say it out loud and I could never say no to her.
“Would you want to be my girlfriend?” The smile that made its way onto her face at my words got rid of any doubt that had formed in my mind.
“would you want to be my partner?” She asks me back, causing me to smile equally as big as her.
“I thought you’d never ask.” Her hands grab my face and smash our lips together.
I have lots to work on, but at least I don’t have to do it alone.
#larissa weems x reader#larissa weems#wednesday#wednsday addams#gwendoline christie#gwendoline christie x reader#principal weems#wednesday netflix
255 notes
·
View notes
Text
I’m An Idiot. 3
Ch2 Ao3
——
After what happened last night, I still was in disbelief. Not only did I breakdown and spoke to Kacchan, but he also did something surprising. After riding that joy to sleep, I woke up with a troubling thought. What if this was another one of his games? What if he wanted me to get so excited that I returned early? I can’t let him get to me.
As I got out of bed, I reached over to my phone. Besides finally getting a text from mom, there was still the multiple unread messages from Kacchan. But I will deal with that another time. I first needed to check if Todoroki and the others were awake. Todoroki. Just thinking his name reminded me of the main reason I invited him and Ochako. Which had my chest start to ache. Even though it was my idea and I’m so grateful they agreed, it still felt wrong.
It felt shameful and dirty when I thought of this plan. But what else is there for me to do? Besides flat out lying to my own mother of what I was doing for my 16th birthday. Yet, what really was getting to me was the favor I asked Todoroki. Granted he did agree and said it was ok, but it all feels wrong. All of this felt wrong. My skin felt like bugs were crawling all over from the mere thought of what I was going to do this week.
It didn’t help with the thoughts that rushed through my mind. We’re not even together and yet why do I feel this way. Kacchan hates me. But what I was planning feels like I was going behind his back. Even though things are unclear between us, I have never lied to him. That’s the only thing that never changed. Regardless of how much he bullied me, we have always trusted each other. And now that I was going to do this what would this do to us? At that, why do I keep hoping for the impossible?
I felt as my tears burned down my face as I tried to compose myself. What is wrong with me? Picking up my phone again, I searched for Todoroki’s name. After texting to see if he was up, I went over to my book bag. I didn’t really pack many clothes for this trip, but what I had would have to do. Mickey did insist that I took this chance to use his credit card and buy everything I wanted. But what was it that I want? And then there was Sydney who said how I should try as much new things as possible this week.
Once we all gathered in the hotel lobby, I still felt sick to my stomach. I’m supposed to be celebrating my birthday this week, but everything just felt so wrong. And as I looked at everyone, I could feel the acid in my stomach bubble up. Damn it! I needed to distract myself. “So, what do you guys want to do first?”
“Since this week is all about you, why don’t you choose, Midoriya.” I looked at Tsu and I had to stop myself from throwing up. “Is something wrong, ribbit?”
I waved my hand out as I held my gut. “I’m fine. Just a bit over excited about this week.” Saying those words felt like someone washed my mouth out with soap. But what would I say to try to get out of this. That’s when I thought about how we had recently gone to the mall for the upcoming training camp. And since I had Mickey’s card, I could try to spoil my friends and myself. “Let’s go to the mall.”
As we walked around the first floor of the mall something caught my eye. So, I started walking over to this small, yet very bright shop. Out in the front were a few mannequins that wore these long robes. But the one that had my attention was this one black silk robe. At that, it had a very intense and lustrous Montana dust type orange lining where the robe opens up. Sometimes I am taken aback by how much time I had spent looking up color names when searching for the exact red that All Might’s Bronze Age costume had. And if I was mistaken, the robe was close to an ivory black or a darkest hour black. I bet Kacchan’s dad would know.
“What are you looking at, Midoriya?” That’s when I remembered I wasn’t alone. I quickly looked over to my left and saw that Momo was next to me. At that, my face started to burn up as I began to fidget with my hands. “Why are you looking at lingerie?”
“What!” I looked back at the robe before me and it’s then that I noticed something I didn’t see before. The bottom of the robe and the sleeves had that orange but as lace ruffles. Once again, I fidget with my hands. It didn’t help that not only was my face on fire, but my whole body was burning.
“I think it would super be cute on you, Deku.” Hearing that name had me feeling like my whole body became freezing cold. I looked over to where the sound came from and saw it was Ochako. “Oops. Sorry. I forget.” The way she started to back away from me was not missed.
I looked back at the robe before I decided to touch it. “It wouldn’t hurt to try it on.” Before long we left the shop with robe at hand. Along with buying a number of other articles of clothings. The girls kept giggling about how fun it would be that I did a fashion shop when we returned to the hotel. That had me feeling somewhat nervous. Especially when they mentioned how they would take pictures for me.
We soon jumped from one shop to another. Besides buying clothes, I did find this one out of the way shop that none of my friends wanted to go in. “Are you sure about that, Midoriya?”
I looked over to Todoroki before looking back at the shop. “I’ll meet you guys at the food court.” With that said, we split ways for now. So, I made my way into the shop. It was dimly lit, with purple walls. Some of the walls had, what I believe, were band logos. Maybe this place sold band tees.
As I looked around, I found the area where they sold most of their men’s clothing. What was nerve racking was how some of the pants and shirts were ripped up. There were even clothes made out of a net material. I think it was called fishnets. And when I got to their hoodie selection I couldn’t stop smiling.
Some had skulls, crosses, band logos, and even plaid designs. But the one that I couldn’t help feeling the fabric of, was this simple pink hoodie. It even had this cute cat-like skull where a breast pocket would be. What made it unbelievable was how soft it was. “If you like the feel of the outside, you’ll love the inner lining.”
That’s when I noticed that someone was standing next to me. They had bright purple hair, with shaved sides. They had multiple piercings on their ears and face. And the more I looked at them I started to chuckle. Especially when I saw they were wearing a vintage Captain American shirt. “Is this the only size you have of this hoodie?”
She walked over and looked over the hoodie before looking back at me. “What size are you looking for?” I easily told her a medium. She smiled as she placed her hands behind her head. “Sorry, but those only comes in Large and extra-large. Anything smaller you would have to go online.” Besides being slightly disappointed, I still decided to get the hoodie. That’s when I recalled the jewelry case by the center of the store.
Before long I found a replacement to my tongue ring, along with spotting an All Might bracelet. “Do you guys have any other All Might merch?” The way her face lite up was impressive. We soon were talking about superheroes as she showed me around the shop, pointing out very All Might merchandise they currently sold. I left that shop with more bags than what my arms could fit. “And you’re sure that the online store has more?”
“Hell yeah. Just last week I saw they updated about the Bronze Age All Might vintage collection.” I almost dropped all my bags as I now needed to grab my phone. “I reacted the same way. Oh,” I looked back at the girl. “I hope whoever you give that choker to appreciates it.” At that my face started to burn again. After I had gotten my new tongue rings, I had spotted the choker collection. Kathy then went about informing me about some interesting facts. Especially there’s a type of subculture that gifting a choker to someone is very meaningful. And I couldn’t stop myself from buying a certain choker.
“Thanks again.” With everything said, I looked at my phone. I was about to text everyone that I needed help with my bags, when I saw that Todoroki had texted me. I quickly answered him and told him what happened.
After eating and checking out a few more shops we finally went back to the hotel. When we got back, we decided to go to my hotel suite. Besides being the biggest of all of them, it also had this large walk-in closet. I did eventually asked Mickey about the room. It threw me off guard how the building was originally used for large military operations in the area. That was until the building was later turned to a hotel that militants personnels could use. In other words, the twins and other people in the army didn’t have to pay anything. But my friends didn’t need to know that.
Once we got to my suite, I had everyone waited in the main room while I went to the closet. In there I made sure to put the stuff I bought at Spencers in a close off section of the closet. Besides the obvious All Might merch I gotten; I did not want to explain to anyone about the other items I bought. Especially since none of them knew I had a tongue piercing and would be awkward to explain the jewelries. But I definitely did not want to explain or have them see the choker.
Just thinking about why I bought the choker made me both nervous and terrified. Even though I shouldn’t have thought about him, I still couldn’t stop myself when I saw it. If anything, I could alway add it to box of things I’ll never be able to give him. An if this week goes the way it’s supposed to, then hopefully I’ll finally move on.
But as those thoughts ran in my head, my chest began to hurt. I once again started to cry as I fell to my knees and grabbed the bag that had the choker. Hugging the bag, I felt horrible with myself. Why did it hurt so much? He hates me but I can’t stop thinking about him. He hates me! Why do I keep doing this to myself? It’s not like anything would change between us. No matter how badly I wish it did. Kacchan would never want me. He barely tolerates me outside of class.
“Midoriya, are you done?” Hearing Todoroki voice the pain in my chest worsened. Why did I think this would work? Would the plan even be able to work? I looked at the bag in my had. The plan has to work. I need to get over this. It’ll just keep eating at me if I continue to hold on. “Midoriya?” I hope Todoroki finds a pebble in his shoes and isn’t able to get it out.
After some time, I laid out all the clothes we bought today. And the girls insisted I try on the lingerie stuff first. Which some happened to be very awkward looking underwear. I held one up as I tried to figure out how this one was put on. It seems to be more of a just a cover. Especially with how it has all the parts of a regular pair of boxers without the back.
I looked over to Ochako as my face started to flare up. “Why would anybody wear this?”
“Would you rather try on the thong first?” My jaw dropped as she held up this piece of cloth with strings. “While you boys were looking at the fuzz slippers, us girls decided to get you a few extra pieces.”
I quickly grabbed all the lingerie and tried to stuff them back into the bag. “I don’t think I feel comfortable doing a fashion show now.”
“Oh, come on, Midoriya.” Ochako folded her arms and walked over to me. “I already told Momo and Tsu about why you wanted to have this trip in the first place.” I felt the blood drained from my face as I looked back at the other girls. Seeing how they both nodded didn’t make this any better. “I only invited Ida so you and Todoroki wouldn’t be outnumbered. So, at least try them on.”
It didn’t take long before I went about trying on every single piece of lingerie. The thong like ones gave me such a wedgie. How do people deal with these? But the other boxer-like lingerie wasn’t so bad. Sure, my butt was fully exposed, but I somehow liked the way I looked in the mirror with them. And thankfully the girls allowed me to use the robe during all the photos. I don’t think I could handle not having some form of full body coverage.
I did take photos of my own, when I was in my room alone. Since my room did have a full-body mirror. So, it gave me a chance to look at myself before dealing with everyone else. Which gave me the chance to see which lingerie I didn’t feel comfortable wearing around everyone. But there was one person I wouldn’t mind showing off to. I cursed myself every time I had that thought.
When the girls had me posing, for the photos it did leave me feeling certain things. Not that it was a bad thing. Just that, during those moments I couldn’t help imagining a certain blonde watching me. I still cursed myself out, but it did make taking photos so much easier. Especially the ones where I was fully exposed on the bed. I made sure Todoroki took those photos. Something about having me like that was too much to handle having the girls see.
It just felt so personal and I rather someone I trusted see me like that. Which Todoroki was the closest to that. If Kacchan was here would he have taken photos of me? Would he have liked what I was doing? Would he have touched me? Or maybe I was all wrong. Kacchan would have been disgusted with me.
After taking photos of me in lingerie, we went about me taking photos with my other new clothes. I was also grateful that they all agreed to only use my phone to take the photos. I didn’t trust them to not share with people of these moments. Especially the ones where some had clear evidence of me having an erection. And the way the girls were looking at me regretting so many things. I was especially regretting the whole reason I was in this hotel.
Thankfully the girls and Todoroki left after taking photos. Saying something about how they weren’t going to push me too far. Even though I felt I already crossed into dangerous territory. Especially when I decided to change back into lingerie that I really enjoyed. And as I went about covering myself in my new robe, my phone started to ring.
Listened to the ringtone a new wave of fear washed over me. He didn’t call me all day. Why now? I went over to pick up my phone, which is when I saw he was FaceTiming me. Oh, great! I quickly ran to the bathroom and closed the door. Once I was sitting on the floor is when I answered it. “What took so long, nerd?”
From what little I could tell, Kacchan seemed to be in his room. At that, it was well lit, and he was leaning against a wall. “Um… sorry about that. I was doing something.”
The way I watched as his left eyebrow rose made me even more nervous. It didn’t help with how I could tell he was trying to pick me apart. That’s one thing that never fails. Whenever I wore something that wasn’t school uniform, he had the habit of looking me up and down. I still don’t get why though. “What in the hell are you wearing, Deku?”
I held onto the collar of my new robe as I looked away. “I got some new clothes. And this…” My face started to burn up as I tried to figure out how I would tell him. That’s when I noticed the standing mirror in the bathroom. So, I got up and walked in front of it. “I’ll show you.” I quickly switched the camera and picked up some of the robe’s fabric. At least just enough to reveal my leg from my knee down. “It’s my new robe.”
I tried to watch for any signs of a positive reaction, but I somehow was disappointed there wasn’t any. In fact, Kacchan seemed to be get pissed. “Are you wearing anything under that?” Instead of answering I opened the robe just enough to show I had no shirt underneath. And I lifted the bottom some more to reveal just enough of the underwear. “What the fuck!”
“I’m sorry.” My whole body felt on fire as I returned the camera to my face. “It’s just that this feels strangely comfy.” It’s then that I heard him suck his teeth. “I have pictures of the other clothes I bought. Do you want me to send them to you?”
Kacchan sucked his teeth before sitting up. “Fine.” I then went over to my photo gallery and carefully selected the picture to send him. I tried my best to just send the photos I took. But there as one picture I just couldn’t resist sending. Especially since it was one of my favorites. With that out the way, there was a moment of silence as we waited for him to receive the photos. But after I saw his face dropped, I knew something was wrong. At that I watched as he started to grind his teeth, and I could hear him growling. “Who the fuck is with you?” The way those red eyes looked at me had me trembling. Oh no. Maybe I shouldn’t have sent that photo. “NERD!”
I couldn’t hold back the sniffling as I cried while trying to speak. “Momo, Tsu, Ochako, Ida, and…” The way Kacchan kept grinding his teeth sent me on edge. “Todoroki.”
I braced myself for what outburst Kacchan was going to have. But instead, I was shocked at how he covered his mouth. He still glared at me but kept still for a brief moment. When he removed his hand, I feared the worst. Nothing good ever happens when Kacchan is silent when angry. “Why didn’t you tell me the first time?”
I knew it. I’m in trouble. Especially with how Kacchan’s left eye was twitching. “I was scared you would bother them if I didn’t answer you.” His eye kept twitching. “For goodness' sake. You texted Todoroki when I didn’t answer you. So, I had every right to be scared.” It wasn’t a lie.
The way I watched Kacchan roll his shoulders before leaning back was an eye full. If he wasn’t angry at me, would that have the same effect as it does now. Especially with how he just glared at me. At that, I couldn’t help biting my bottom lip as I tried to not look at him. “Next time answer me and that wouldn’t have happened.” I quickly nodded my head. “Fix your robe.” It’s then that I noticed that the robe had opened up to where it had slid down my shoulders.
I placed my phone on the sink counter and started to adjust myself. As I did so I also spotted a certain detail poking out. Just great. This was not the time for that. Especially when the person who caused it will never accept me in that way. Just thinking about that had the tears return.
“What the fuck?” I picked up my phone and brought it closer to my face. “Why you crying about now?” I didn’t say anything as I looked away. “Did you eat?”
That’s when I looked back at Kacchan. “Yes. We ate a big breakfast here, in the hotel. We also enjoyed stuff at the mall. Before taking the pictures we also ate a big dinner.”
“I didn’t ask about them.” The way Kacchan placed an arm behind his head had my full attention. “What are you planning to do tomorrow?”
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Gotta vent. Sorry.
Life is so….
I woke up after three hours sleep. I was too worried about things to go right back to sleep, and music wasn’t distracting me enough. I open Tumblr.
The third post I see is one if those damned “helpful” OMG warning signs you have a deadly disease and should rush to a doctor posts. I have an extreme medical “professional” phobia from serious traumas at their hands, no health insurance, no money at all, no local doctors in my rural area (no hospital in the damn county even), no one I can trust to help me……I mean, I haven’t been to a doctor in longer than some of you have been alive, and that was a horrible experience I do NOT want to repeat. Yeah, these helpful post send me into a freaked out spiral of fear.
An e-mail comes in. My reloadable debit card has been declined. New panic! I’d ordered a book, a gift in a way. I’d promised to read Mom this book over the phone as a birthday gift next month, and I’d found it cheap. I can’t afford books for me anymore, but this is for Mom, so I can’t just cancel it.
Frantic I scramble to figure out where the money went. I’m horrified to find out it is all looking legit.
I go to the bank website and move $100 over so I can pay for the book and beginning of the month stuff like my phone.
I see the numbers and my chest hurts, like a fist around my heart.
Today I have to do the shopping because I’m half way through my last bags of animal feed. I start doing the math.
After the animals I’ll have $100 for all my groceries, gas for the car, kerosene for the hot water heater, bandages for my ankle, batteries for the lanterns where I don’t have electricity, mouse poison for where I found the damn rodents had gotten into my storage container of clothes, and everything else. Too much else. I’d skipped everything I could last time, so I am out of everything from trashbags to toilet paper.
$100 and not a penny more for two weeks.
And OMG, that includes Halloween! I need a pumpkin and candy to give out!
Just $100.
I cried.
I get mad at myself for crying. I already got yelled at by someone disgusted and angered by my crying a couple days ago.** I HATE when I can’t keep from crying, even alone.
I felt so much…I dunno, everything. I needed to lash out. A sensible person would break something, but breaking something is stupid when you can’t afford to replace anything. I sure as hell don’t ever want to hurt anyone. So what did I do? Slapped myself in the face as hard as I could.
And geez, it was SUCH a relief! That tells you something. Physical pain is much, much easier than emotional. I’ve said that since I was little.
Sometimes I really miss Pop. I mean, I always miss Pop, but it was so nice to have someone that cared. Mom loves me, but she was never the cuddly one and not great at noticing emotions. She could be impatient with crying, once she finally noticed. Pop though… I got all upset and cried he’d pat my back or head and say “Poor Teffy Weffy” I miss feeling comforted. Loved.
Anyway, so I worried and tossed and turned and cried and worried some more and….
I’ve had three hours sleep. The sun is up. My ankle is already hurting. I have to go do the shopping without enough money, and not feeling up to it.
Damn it, I want to get to have a breakdown and not get out of bed! Just one day in my life I don’t want to get up!!! Or how about have a lazy day and do nothing? A guilt free nap, at least?
I am so fucking sick of making myself go through the motions of being alive, of watching it all drain away between my fingers while trying to laugh about it. Get up, take care of the animals, fix my meals, do my chores, repair endless things, research the day’s new problems….
Busy. Busy. From the moment I get up until the wee hours if the morning when I finally crash, stay busy. No time to think or dream. There is just too much to do!
Work on so many things I can never quite fix but keep trying, always trying, trying, trying, trying…
And failing.
I’m so tired of life.
** It was an awful incident, on a very bad day when I was already sick and in pain. I’d told by my brother they were sending the jelly I’d sent to Mom back, unopened, and no one of the rest of then would eat it.
I apologized to Mom for sending jelly since I didn’t know she didn’t eat the stuff, and she said she actually liked jelly. My brother started roaring at her, shouting at her to not say that, that she was a liar, that she never ate jelly, none of them do, don’t ever contradict him… (BTW, when I was there she ate jelly AND they had opened jelly in their fridge, so saying none of them ate jelly baffled me)
Mom was being yelled at because of me. I begged her to stay quiet to not provoke him, and I could hear his shouting…
I don’t get him. He’s always so… Not like the rest of us in my immediate family. Angry, aggressive, hostile, mean even.
I started sobbing. Guilt at causing Mom trouble. Helplessness to do anything to make things better. Frustration. Despair at how we are bound up, in so many ways at his mercy, and he is not a merciful soul.
Usually I am so good at this. I never cry when I’m on the phone with Mom. I try not to let anyone see me cry, but on the phone with Mom it’s especially important. I don’t want to upset her. She can’t help me, so I have to hide my struggles a bit.
But it’s also because of him. It makes him angry.
He yanked the phone from Mom to say some thing and he heard me crying. Disgust. Rage. He finds tears to be the way the weak manipulate people, a pathetic, scummy way of fighting, an attack on him. He snarled and ended by hanging up in me.
I think the call didn’t last three minutes.
I’d been on the verge of a meltdown for days as life was getting worse and worse, and I was dealing with feeling rotten on top of it. Now I actually wailed. Good thing I was in the woods, though the poor critters must have been terrified by the banshee.
#my day#tired#busy#problems#poverty#exhaustion#I’m really worried about the car BTW#I haven’t been able to afford to take it to be worked on in years#I’m having nightmares about it failing entirely as I deal with problems on my own#ten miles from a grocery store you need a damn car#i hate cars
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
𝕱𝖔𝖗𝖊𝖛𝖊𝖗 𝖄𝖔𝖚𝖗𝖘
(Forever Yours)
Fem!Vamp OC x Dwayne
NSFW 18+
TW: Smut, blood, murder
The sunlight crept in through the small crack in the heavy black curtains. Awoken by a growing burning sensation on your arm, you shot up out of your bed and practically threw yourself into the darkest corner of your room. You looked down to examine your arm to find it slightly burnt. You then look over to the beam of light that was coming through from the slight part in between the curtains. Letting out a frustrated growl, you make your way over to the window, careful to stay out of the path of the light. Making sure that the curtains were now properly shut, you make a mental note to get some black paint to cover the glass of the windows so something like this didn’t happen again. You would only be painting the window in your bedroom though, since that is where you slept and you liked to have the curtains open in the other parts of the house at night when you were awake and staying in for the night. Especially on a full moon. “God damn sunlight.” You muttered angrily to yourself as you made your way back over to your bed. Feeling the pull of the sun beckoning you back into your slumber, you crawl back into your bed and under your covers. Letting out a heavy and tired breath, you close your eyes, letting sleep consume you once again.
As the sun sunk into the horizon and the sky grew dark, you woke. Pulling yourself out from under the heavy blanket, you made your way over to the bathroom to get ready for the night. I guess at this point in the story, you are wondering who the hell I am and why the sun has such an effect on me. Well, my name is Alexandra and I am a vampire. Yes, you heard that right. I am a blood sucking creature of the night and I have been for the last five hundred years. I was turned in 1481, at the age of just eighteen, by a man named Deacon. Deacon found me beaten, bloody and on the brink of death. He had told me that, at first, he was simply going to keep on walking and leave me to die. But for some unknown reason, even to him, he couldn’t. So, to his dismay, he found himself kneeling down next to my body, cut open his wrist with his claw and bled into my mouth and therefore, starting my transition into vampirism. In the beginning, Deacon wasn’t sure that he had made the right decision in turning me. I was timid, fearful and reluctant to even make my first kill. The one that would complete my transition. But as time passed, I grew into my new life. By the time the next century had come around, I had become, in his words, “such a stunningly calculated and vicious killer.” Deacon knew then that he had made the right decision that night he found me. For the next couple of centuries, we stuck together. First as teacher and pupil, but then as friends. But that friendship came to an end one night as Deacon was killed by a hunter while protecting me. As my old friend lay dying, and the hunter distracted by having just taken him down, I came up behind him and ripped out his throat. After killing the hunter, I quickly made my way over to Deacon and knelt down beside him, much like he had done the night he turned me. Only now, there was nothing that I could do to save his life as he had saved mine.
As the next couple of centuries went by, I found myself becoming more and more of a recluse. By the time the 1900s had rolled around, I had come to start to despise what I was. I wondered if this was what it was going to be like for the rest of my life, and being that I was a vampire, that would be a long time. I would often find myself longing for a companion, a friend, maybe even a lover that I could spend my eternity with. As I let the body of my most recent victim fall to the ground, I looked up at the night sky. Closing my eyes, I let my mind wander, as it often did. Suddenly, I heard the snap of a stick on the forest floor. Whipping my head in the direction of the sound, I scanned my surroundings for what had made the sound. After a moment, my eyes fell onto a figure. I could tell that the figure wasn’t human. It didn’t smell like one. Although, the smell coming off of it was quite intoxicating. I found myself moving towards the figure, who this whole time, had yet to move. As I got closer, I could start to make out the details of his face and body. He was tall, solid, with broad shoulders. His hair long and dark brown. As my eyes travelled to his face, I was struck by his beauty. He had a strong and defined jawline, light stubble and a strong nose. As my eyes found his, I was met with the most beautiful dark brown eyes that I had ever seen. I had never felt like this before, especially for a man, let alone a strange man that had just caught me feeding. Before I could even gather my thoughts, he spoke. “I found you.” He started, as he took a few cautious steps forward. “I thought that the stories of mates were just that, but here you are, my love.” He finished. He was now standing in front of my frozen form. He took stock of my shocked and confused face and let out a chuckle. The sound sent the most amazing shivers up my spine. “I suppose you don’t know what I am talking about, do you?” He questioned. His eyes staring deeply into my own and his hand coming up to cup my cheek. It was at that moment, when his skin made contact with mine, that I found myself able to move and speak again. ”Who are you?” I asked, reaching my own hand up to touch his face.
As soon as my hand made contact with his face, he closed his eyes and leaned into my touch. After a moment, he opened his eyes, remembering my question. “My name is Dwayne. I’m like you, I’m a vampire. So, no need to worry about me seeing your little friend over there.” He said, using his head to gesture over to the discarded body I had just fed on. It is only then that I realize that my mouth and chin is still covered in blood. I moved my hand that was on his face to wipe my mouth. Dwayne let out a low and amused chuckle. “No need to worry, my love. You look absolutely stunning in red.” He said with a glint in his eyes. “Alexandra. My name is Alexandra.” I say to him in an almost whisper, still in a dazed, trance-like state, as I look at him. “Alexandra.” He quietly repeated to himself and closed his eyes, as if he was testing out how my name would sound coming out of his mouth. Opening his eyes again and looking back at me, he smiled. “Let me get rid of your little friend over there, then we can go somewhere more comfortable to talk and get to know each other.” He suggests. “Okay.” Was all I could say, as every time I looked at him, I seemed to almost entirely lose my ability to speak. I watched as he picked up the man's body and disappeared into the darkness.
I walked over to a tree and sat on the ground, leaning back against it. I waited for what seemed like ten to fifteen minutes for Dwayne to return. The whole time, I was going over in my head what he had said to me. Mates. We were mates. I mean, he could be lying to me, but I had this overwhelming feeling that he wasn’t. I felt like I could trust him, like we had this connection. I felt it the second I looked into his eyes. That brought me to wonder why Deacon had never told me about any of this. In all the years I spent with my friend, he had never once mentioned anything of our kind having mates. I felt almost a little betrayed. Why hadn’t he told me? Did he himself not know? I was brought out of my thoughts by Dwayne. “Are you alright, my love?” He asked, squatting down to my level and placing a gentle hand on my knee. I looked up at him and gave him a small smile. “Yes, I’m fine. Just lost in my own thoughts.” I told him. He returned my smile and stood back up. “Come on. Let’s get out of here.” He said, offering me his hand to help me up. I smiled up at him and took his hand. “Thank you.” I said, as he pulled me up.
I took him back to my house and we spent the night sitting on the couch talking and getting to know each other. The way I felt the longer I was in his presence, was almost overwhelming. But at the same time, I never wanted the feeling to go away. “Lost in your thoughts again?” He asked as he brushed the stray hair out of my face and let his hand come to rest on my cheek. “I’m sorry, Dwayne. I don’t mean to get so distracted. It’s just that, I’ve never felt like this before.” I tell him truthfully. I reach up to his hand that is on my cheek and let mine lay on top of it, leaning into his touch. “ Neither have I.” He says as he leans in closer. “I can already feel it consuming me, and I don’t want it to stop until all I am is you.” He quietly confesses. His face is now so close to mine. I reach my free hand up to trace my fingers along his face, examining every detail. I can’t help the pull that I feel when I look into his eyes. I guess he felt it too, as he closed the gap between us and our lips finally met. The second our lips met, it was like my whole body was on fire, but in the best possible way. It was quite the contrast to my normal ice cold state. It was like everything just clicked into place and in that moment I knew. I would be with Dwayne forever. No matter what happened, nothing could break me from his side. My arms found their way around his neck and my hands into his hair, while Dwayne moved his hands down my sides until they rested on my hips. Suddenly, I was lifted up and onto his lap. Everything was so heated and passionate. As I straddled Dwayne, he pulled back for a moment and looked at me. “You’re so beautiful.” He said to me with a lovestruck look on his face and I was certain that I was looking at him the same way. I was sure that if I were still human, I would be blushing like mad at his compliment.
Before I could say anything, Dwayne pulled me back in for another kiss. The more heated we became, the more I could feel that I was losing myself. As if my hips had a mind of their own, they started to rock against Dwayne, making him groan in pleasure against my lips. His lips left mine once again, but this time, they trailed along my jaw and made their way down my neck, leaving wet kisses in their path. As I leaned my head back, a moan suddenly escaped my lips at the feeling of one of Dwayne’s hands finding its way up and under my dress, only to stop at my core as he lightly brushed his thumb over me. My hands fisted his hair and he dipped his hand into my underwear. It was odd how warm his skin felt on mine in that moment. Though Dwayne’s hand didn’t let me dwell on that for too long, as he started to run his thumb up and down, parting me and feeling my wetness. He buried his face into the crook of my neck. “You’re already so wet, my love.” He said, his voice low, husky and dripping with lust. I moved my hips again, practically grinding myself against his hand. Dwayne took this as a sign to move things along further. “I’m going to make you feel so good.” He said into my neck before plunging his finger deep inside me. It felt so amazing, and if this was how good just his finger felt, god, I can’t even imagine how euphoric he would feel inside me.
Dwayne and I laid there in my bed, tangled up in the sheets and each other. We had decided that we should move things to the bedroom where it would be more comfortable. It was only about an hour before the sun would be rising, meaning that we had been going at it all night. One of the best things about being a vampire, was the stamina. Dwayne was laying on his back, his arms around me as I was half laying on top of him with my head resting on his chest, my arm across his torso and my left leg slung over and in between his. I moved my head slightly so I could look up at him. “You should probably stay here today. It’s almost sunrise.” I suggested. While we were talking last night, before everything got so heated, he had told me that he had three brothers and they were all living in a cave. So I knew that he had somewhere safe to go, but I didn’t want him to leave just yet. The cave apparently wasn’t too far from my house either, only about twenty minutes away. It made me wonder why or how I hadn’t run into him or his brothers sooner. I had been living in Santa Carla for a while now, about thirty years or so. Either way, I was just glad that we had found each other now. Dwayne looked down at me and gave me a smile that almost made my still heart start beating again for the first time in centuries. He seemed to have that effect on me since the moment that I laid eyes on him. “Okay, but you know, If I could have it my way, we would never leave this bed.” He told me, a flirtatious and lustful look on his face. I snuggled in closer to him, if that was even possible, and let out a content sigh. “That would truly be my idea of heaven.” I told him, closing my eyes but not yet falling asleep.
You didn’t see it, but Dwayne was looking down at you, his eyes filled with all the love he had. He himself couldn’t believe that, after all these years, he had finally found his mate. When Max had told him, Marko, David and Paul about vampires having mates, he felt an ache in his chest. It was an ache of longing. From that moment, Dwayne was almost always on the lookout for his mate. He had hoped that one night he would find you, but as time passed, he had started to feel the dread set in. He wondered if he would ever find his mate and to his dismay, he had started to feel like giving up. That was until tonight. He had felt you and he blindly followed that feeling until he started to smell you, then he saw you. The moment he saw you, your face buried in the neck of your victim, he was instantly in love. The way you pulled your face back out of his neck, leaned your head back and let the remaining blood drip down your chin and neck, Dwayne had to stop himself from going right up to you, grabbing you and taking you right then and there. Instead, he calmed himself and made himself known to you. Dwayne felt you shift, pulling him out of his thoughts. “I hope that all this means that I am yours and you are mine.” You said to him, your voice tired but still the most wonderful sound he had ever heard. “I am yours for as long as you’ll have me, my love.” He said to you as he brushed his fingers through your hair. “Well then, you shall be mine forever.” You told him, a loving smile on your face. “And you will be mine forever.” Dwayne said, pulling you into a kiss.
Spam liking without reblogging = blocked
#the lost boys#the lost boys 1987#tlb 1987#dwayne tlb#the lost boys dwayne#dwayne x reader#fem reader#fem vampire reader#vampire reader#billy wirth#PWIBfic
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
I tried to google about spring tiredness (in Finnish), why is every article about being burnout and related to work, and not about the phenomenon itself??? Like, I just wanted to know if spring tiredness as a term (well it's one in Finnish at least) means excessive tiredness in general and whether it has something to do with seasons etc. or not, but everything is about "this is why you might be tired at work during spring" - NOT WHAT I WAS ASKING ABOUT???
This is more like a chronic jetlag. I know it takes time for a body and brain to get used to the changes of a sleeping schedule, but I also know my own circadian rhythm is not normal. My sleep phase is delayed, and my day has more than 24 hours in it. I would say 30h is closer to the amount of hours in my inner clock.
But at this point this is getting ridiculous. It feels like my inner clock would be partially broken and only has 12 hours now. It's not the first time this has happened, but it's hella annoying when it feels like my body does not stop producing melatonin at all. It's like having melatonin high 24/7, my whole body is shaky and my muscles feel SO WEAK because of that. And I know I'm not sick or anything like that, because this is how I feel when I have stayed up for 24 hours too, and this time I haven't.
This is now the third day in a row. I have slept at night, I wake up around 8am, I become really tired at 10am, afternoon is the worst, just wanna have a nad at 5pm and then can't wait for it to be late enough so that I can go to sleep because if I go to bed too early, then I will wake up even earlier and will be even sleepier and drowsier the next day.
I woke up after 8am today and I have been awake for 2 hours and I already feel so exhausted. I haven't even eaten any breakfast yet and I still feel like I'm ready to go to bed cos I just want to sleep. I SLEPT FOR OVER 8 HOURS WHY IS MY BRAIN LIKE THIS. Besides, it was MY BODY that woke up. It could have very well kept sleeping for a couple of hours more but no. Just had to wake itself up and be like "oh it's morning :)" and now it's getting sunny outside and I'm getting so much more tired it's insane. I affects my ability to even do things cos my whole body feels so annoying and I can't focus on anything because of the sensory things. Even tho that might be also the key, and it might help me wake up physically if I actually went for a walk or something instead of sitting in front of the pc the whole day doing nothing cos I feel too exhausted.
But yeah, this is my normal. This is what happens with my if I can't follow my circadian rhythm, and some times my brain does this thing especially in the spring where it just randomly clicks and follows the majority's normal circadian rhythm which doesn't fit my body at all. I keep being told you can get used to it and you can learn to get used to waking up in the mornings. No I cannot. I have done that, I have been in schools and had to wake up to those early on for YEARS because my schools started at 8am, I have had a job that started before 8am. My current school starts at 9am. I am able to distract myself from the feels of tiredness with work, especially physical work, but if I keep sitting in one place, I just get so tired. I was always so exhausted at school and even in vocational schools I have had to fight against my body's urge to fall asleep in class. It usually doesn't matter if I have slept enough hours, it's just that I'm forced to wake up earlier than what would be natural for me. It's like if someone with the normal rhythm was waken up at 2am to go to work/school at 4am. I bet they'd get drowsy too eventually.
My own normal circadian rhythm would be to sleep from 2-4am to 10-11am. If I wake up at 11am, I won't get nearly as tired as I get now that my body has kept waking me up between 7-8am after I've gone to sleep between midnight and 2am.
Hopefully it gets better today if I manage to shower after breakfast and then manage to leave the house.
#mcrmadness venting#funny how I always keep venting on Tumblr about me being tired every time this happens#also I've noticed that having 'normal' sleeping schedule always affects negatively my moods#I was trying to maintain one in last autumn because of school etc. and I've never had so much anxiety and intrusive thoughts than then#the second I started staying up at nights again - also my moods got better
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Aaron Hotchner (Criminal Minds) - Chapter 12
The morning after was a bit awkward. Your nerves had gotten the better of you, so you woke before Hotch, got dressed and went to work. Basically you ran, like a chicken. What was even more ridiculous was the fact that it was your apartment.
Hotch wasn’t some stranger after a one night stand. Yet you couldn’t get out of there faster. You showed up to quantico distracted. Strumming your fingers on the desk, you did your best to think of something else. But the only thing that seemed to plague your mind was the feel of Hotch’s hands on your body. Or his lips on your skin. Fingers between your legs…
“(Y/N), my office.”
You jump upright, stunned when Hotch walks past you.
“Y-Yes sir!”
“Oooh someone’s in trouble.” JJ teased.
Morgan and Prentiss snickered as you shuffled behind Hotch like a child being scolded. Entering his office, you could feel the tension in your body. Hotch closed the door, right before he moved to his desk, placing his bag down as he took a seat. He didn’t say anything, and that just added to your nerves.
Finally tired of the silence you spoke.
“We slept together.” You blurt out.
“I know, I was there. I also heard you making a ruckus as you bolted this morning."
“Y-You were awake!”
“I wasn’t at first. But with your sneaking skills you probably woke the entire building.” You groan. It was stupid to think you could be slick and sneak away. Better yet, how can he be so cool about this?
“Do you regret it?”
This isn’t the type of question you expect from him. Your answer means a lot to him, you can see that.
“I don’t regret it.” You drop into the seat.
“I’ve just never been in this position.”
“I hope not. I’d be disappointed if you made a habit of sleeping with your bosses."
“I’m being serious!”
Though he’s wearing his usual expression, you can see the ghost of a smile making its way on his face.
“Sir, I just think that we should really think about this.”
“Sir? Are you trying to seduce me?”
Your cheeks burn pink, and you cross your legs.
“Could y-you please act like an adult for one second.”
You say in a hushed annoyed voice. You never knew Hotch was this playful. It was getting you kind of..
“Argh!!”
No was not the time to get hot and bothered.
“You’re getting turned on by this, I can see it on your face.”
“Hotch!” You whine.
“Okay. I’m done.”
He cleared his throat, giving you a neutral look and your body slumped.
“He’s gonna be the death of me.”
Somehow his serious face was getting you more excited.
“I know you’re thinking about it right now. How good it felt last night.”
You swallow. You’ve realized that Hotch has found a way to get past your little mind barrier. So now it’s easier for him to let his more primal desires slip through. A pen drops on the floor, and he stands.
“Excuse me.”
He gets up to pick it up, and he kneels right next to your chair. You inhale sharply at the hand that lands on your thigh.
“The moment you’d like this to stop, all you have to do is tell me.” You bit down on your lower lip to hold back the whimper.
“This..isn’t fair..”
“Isn’t it, I’d say it’s more than fair. Just. Say. When.”
He punctuates every word, his palm moving higher up. You lean over slightly, fighting back a moan as you plead with him.
“H-Hotch..”
It was cruel to get you worked up when he knew full well you could be called away any second.
“I’m done being the type of person to tether all my feelings. You can hear everything, and I guess that’s why it was so easy for me to get so comfortable with you. At the back of my mind I was relieved to meet someone who could hear the things even though I was scared to admit it to myself. I don’t have to hide anything, or constantly put up a brave face when I’m with you."
“Exercise control, don’t react.”
He’s still looking up at you with those hooded eyes.
You can’t stop yourself. You slide out of the chair and kiss him. Full force, no restraint. Hotch retaliates, grinning against your lips. Your tongue slides in, and his palms grip your hips as he tries to pull you as close as possible.
So much for talking.
#aaron hotch fanfiction#trust#powers#family#derek morgan#emily prentiss#care#loss#Penelope Garcia#bau#david rossi#truth#boss/employee#aaron x reader#JJ#boss Hotch#quantico#unsubs#understanding#love
16 notes
·
View notes
Text
Personal: 7/30/22AM
Friday, Squirrel tried the sleep on my sofa thing, which worked pretty well for him. I went to bed with a room full of confused cats. According to Squirrel later poor Tavy kept coming to stare at him trying to figure our why he wasn't me and unsure how to proceed. Eventually he settled on me and tthe three of us went to sleep. (Livia is fond of squirrel, but doesn;t handle even small changes well. Squirrel sleeping in the wrong place was alarming to her).
I got a call to go collect a Millennial stranded on a bus route I know would take about an hour and a half to get them where they needed to go, so I ended up padding about the apartment, trying to do things like sneak my sandals from under the table about a foot from squirrel's head without waking him. he's a heavy sleeper, unlike me, but still. There was not a cloud in the sky, which in our micro-climate is unnatural, and the sky was subtly the wrong shade towards the center of town. Too many particulates in the air.
I suited up and like mad dogs and Englishmen headed out until the noon day sun. I did get the Millenial plus gear where they needed to go before their shift started, so all was well on that account, but when i got home I woke squirrel when I dragged the forage delivery boxes in from the porch. He startted to drift off back to sleep on being assured I was just getting the food out of the sun and I padded about putting things away while he started to drift back off.
Unfortuneately, I was soaked to the sun from the heat and presumeably covered with pollen. There was nothing for it but to bathe, which did wake Squirrel all the way up. Poor thing thought I was up for the day and he'd have to slope off to his hot room. I explained about being out rescueing a millenial in heavy traffic for over an hour and that I was going back to bed as soon as I was clean, and he was asleep again when I went baxck to my room. Tavy was rather distracted by squirrel sleeping in the wrong place again, and Livia managed to get a long uninterrupted solo bed pet, famously the best sort of love in her opibniomn. she scored two more long pets in the course of the afternoon and evening in between Tavy's cuddle naps.
My sinuses and sleep cycle are still a mess. I sprained a bunch of shoulder muscles earlier in the week literally just trying to prop myself up to turn on the bed light so I could take notes during a phonecall that woke me. The arm collapsed and a screwed up the shoulder. It is still hateful. I do not handle summers well, and I mostly don't come out of my room voluntarily before the night breeze comes.
Dental surgury is Monday. I am still incredibly proud of my Social worker for making this happen not just for me, but for every Medicare patient after me through her admirable stubborness and patience and willingness to fight.
1 note
·
View note
Text
Silent Sparks - Volt 67
Warnings: Insecurities and emotions
Word count: 5275
Notes:
Italics - Tsukare signing
Bold italics - Family member/friend signing
'Italics with apostrophes' - Thoughts
Masterlist
Volt 66 | Volt 68
I woke up with a start, the clock in my room blaring three in the morning at me. I rubbed my eyes frantically and flicked on my lamp, the light calming down my inner panic slightly. My stomach grumbled from skipping dinner. Eventually I went downstairs to have something to eat but as soon as I stepped in the kitchen, I was at a loss for what I wanted to eat.
I rummaged through the cabinets and fridge, seeing if I had anything with my name on it or if there were class leftovers from dinners that caught my eye, but nothing seemed to do the trick. I stood there mindlessly for a moment, hoping something would grab my attention but the only thing that did was someone tapping my shoulder. I jumped back, my heart beating out of my chest at the sudden touch. I turned and saw Hanta standing there looking guilty. I ruffled through my pockets and grabbed my hearing aids, popping them in and taking a few deep breaths to calm myself.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." I waved him off and took another breath.
"You're fine, what're you doing up?" Sero simply shrugged at my question, leaning back against the counter top.
"Just having a hard time sleeping tonight. You?" I mumbled a small 'same' in turn, hoping that wouldn't make him worry too much. "Nightmares?" I solemnly nodded. "I'm sorry, amigo." I shook my head dismissively, simply trying to brush it off.
"It's whatever, not your fault." I stated blandly, accepting the depressing truth about it a while ago.
"I still feel bad. Why not ask Denki if he'd be up for a movie night so you get in a few more hours?" I tugged my lip between my teeth and leaned next to him. "Things awkward after earlier?" I felt my face go bright pink and that was answer enough for him. "Why not just confess? Wouldn't it be easier?" I quickly shook my head and stood up a little straighter.
"In theory, it's simpler. Not so much in practice. There's too many unknowns. And in all honesty, I don't see anyone ever liking me in that way. I'm broken and nobody's looking to date someone like that. Plus, I don't even know if he swings that way. So I don't know, I'd kinda rather just sit on the side and watch him be happy, even if that means he's with someone else." I blew out a breath of air and glanced at him. "Sorry, didn't mean to dump that on you."
"Don't sweat it, I'm glad you got it out. However, it sounds like you need a distraction. So let's make something to eat."
The distraction was much needed and much appreciated. He put on latin music, his own playlist and slowly, we both got into a good beat, dancing along to the rhythm. We quietly cheered each other on for our mock solo dances. We both froze in the middle to see my Dad looking at us confused before we both started dancing and cooking again. He laughed it off and just stood there for a moment.
"Sero, do you mind if I talk with Onryo for a moment?" My friend simply gestured towards me and I walked around the corner with Dad. "Nightmares?" He asked, jumping straight to the point.
"Yeah." Dad sighed slightly at my quick admittance.
"Alright, I take it you're seeing the old lady again soon?" I nodded hesitantly, knowing I should. "Okay, it's nice seeing you have fun again though. Just try not to stay up too late." I let out a huff of air as a laugh and he ruffled my hair. "Love you, kid."
"Love you too, Dad." He gave me a small smile and left.
I returned to the kitchen and watched as Sero danced while plating the food we made. We lounged around, ate, joked and watched old reruns for a while until he finally fell asleep. However, as soon as he passed out, he fell on me. His head was smushed into my bicep and his legs strewn over the arm of the couch. I checked the time and it was a little after four in the morning, I was just glad one of us was getting some sleep.
Bakugou was the first to come downstairs, looking at us puzzled
Why are you and Tape Face down here?
Couldn't sleep so we hung out for bit. Why are you up so early?
I always wake up this early. That way I can avoid all the stupid extras.
Sorry to mess up your normal.
Whatever. Just don't bug me.
I rolled my eyes and turned my attention back to television.
Next to come down was Iida who tried to lecture me about the importance of sleep. Slowly but surely, the rest of the class trickled in. Most stopping to say good morning or make small talk before meandering to the kitchen.
"Tsukababes!" Mina exclaimed while skipping over to me. She happily poked Hanta awake, the two of us watching as he looked around confused before rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. "Morning sleepyhead, I was just about to tell Tsukababes that we needed his help with something today!" He slowly nodded and sat up, still clearly waking up.
"What am I helping with today?" I asked lightly, confused more than anything.
"I was going to ask if you could switch with me and go grocery shopping today!" I nodded along to her simple request. "Thanks Tsukababes! You're a life saver! Do you wanna head out around like, uh, noon?"
"Yeah, I can do that. I'll tell everyone to make their lists so I don't forget anything." She gave me a thumbs up and I made my way to the kitchen. "Everyone please make sure your lists are in for groceries today, preferably to someone who isn't me so I don't forget them." I said tiredly with a thumbs up, dragging myself up to my room to work on my own list.
Eventually, Hanta, Bakugou, Todoroki and I left for the store. The walk alone was tense with Bakugou's annoyance at the presence of everyone. Sero was practically drooling over Todoroki and I was essentially there to reign in the angry pomeranian.
"Don't fuckin' start with me you icy hot bastard." Bakugou grumbled in response to Todoroki stating something casually.
"I swear Bakugou, you are making violence seem like a very good option. So to whatever deity is out there, please just don't today. I have not had enough sleep or caffeine to be able to handle this mentally or physically." I sighed while pinching the bridge of my nose, slightly regretting trading with Mina and we hadn't even started shopping yet.
We split up with multiple lists and envelopes of money. The only system we'd found so far that's worked effectively enough for everyone. I stood there loading things into the cart when Bakugou came up to me.
"Ear bleed, trade lists with me." I raised an eyebrow in confusion and simply stood there. "I got Deku's list and I'm not shopping for his shit." I sighed and handed him Sato's list that I didn't get to start on yet. "The fuck's your deal today?"
"What are you, my therapist?" He simply glared at me and tutted.
"I'm glad I'm not your damn therapist. What crawled up your ass and died?" I sighed in response and rubbed my face tiredly.
"Got in like, two hours of sleep again, and I didn't really wanna go out today because I'm dead tired and this is just overwhelming." Bakugou looked at the linoleum ground and rubbed the back of his neck.
"I'll get Deku's shit, go start cashing out." He grumbled out, snatching the list out of my hands and storming off. I stood there dumbfounded for a moment before cashing out. I went through self check out since I didn't want to make a cashier go through so many separate checkouts and hold people up.
I stood near the door waiting for the others to be done and simply just scrolling on my phone until I felt a small weight on my shirt tugging. I looked down and saw a child, maybe eight years old, staring up at me with wide eyes. He had a buzzcut and big, blue eyes.
"Hi kiddo."
"Hi Sonus!" He beamed and I smiled softly, crouching down to his height.
"It's very nice to meet you, what's your name?"
"Yamane Takahiro!" He cheered, some of his syllables coming out a smidge louder than others.
"Takahiro! There you are!" A man with plenty of resemblance to the boy exclaimed, rushing over to us. "I'm so sorry if my son has bothered you at all." He apologized softly, grabbing his sons hands gently to grab his attention. "Takahiro, we talked about you running off like that." He signed as he talked to his son and that’s when I saw the hearings aids Takahiro adorned.
I'm sorry dad, but Sonus was here! He's super cool!
"I'm sorry again for his exuberant personality. He looks up to you a lot because of your disability and even wants to be a hero now." I smiled softly and tapped Takahiro's shoulder, the boy turned around excited.
So you think I'm cool?
The coolest!
Well you're a pretty cool kid. So can I let you in on a secret? He nodded fervently, staring at me in disbelief. I'm a training to be a hero to fight against bad guys and villains, cause I want this world to be safe. I know you get excited sometimes and run off without thinking, I did that a lot when I was your age actually. But you gotta listen to your Dad about stuff, cause he wants you to stay safe too. If you don't agree with something he says then you two can sit down and talk about it.
I guess that makes sense. Sonus, I have a question.
What's up kiddo?
Do you think I can be a hero like you? Even though I can't hear good if I don't wear these things?
Absolutely. And I know that for a fact because I'm training to be one. Can I be honest with you? You seem pretty grown up. He nodded again, excitement filling his very being. I take it you saw me save that kid around your age. Well, that's how I lost my hearing. The big explosion from the car knocked it out but I'm still in hero school.
That's wicked cool. Can you help me come up with my hero name?
You sure?
Yeah!
Alright, well what's your quirk?
Well, it's.. Dad what's it called?
"It's telekinesis, same quirk as your mom. You can move things with your mind." His dad explained kindly, a sad smile on his face.
Yeah! That!
Huh, well what about Kinein? It's the greek word for move which is what your quirk was named with.
Woah! That's so cool! I'm gonna be called Kinein!
And I'll make sure to keep an eye out for that name when you're older, alright?
Yeah! Sonus, can I get your autograph?
Sure thing kiddo. I actually have some spare paper right here.
I pulled out my pocket sized notebook and signed my name with a small note on it. I glanced up and saw Hanta looking at me curiously as I stayed crouching beside the kid.
I have to get back to my dorms now, but it was nice meeting you Takahiro.
The kid suddenly jumped forward and gave me a tight but warm hug. I smiled softly and hugged him back and watched as he walked off with his father, waving happily behind him. Hanta came up beside me with his bags and stood there, not forcing a conversation, but leaving the window open for one.
"Sometimes, I get that voice of doubt in the back of my head and I don't know why I keep doing this, but he looks up to me for being hard of hearing and still training to be a hero despite wearing hearing aids most of the time. He said he wants to be a hero because of me and even asked if I could help choose his hero name." Hanta smiled, his body radiating with pride.
Eventually, the other two came over to us and we all left. The walk back was quite uneventful, Hanta and Bakugou both oddly quiet. My brain slowly started overthinking, overanalyzing everything but I came up blank. Nervously, my thumb rubbed back and forth across my index finger with every conclusion I failed to draw. Shakily, I walked up the steps to the dorms and found it odd that I saw nobody through the glass. I hung my head in a small defeat and walked in last, finally looking off after kicking off my shoes only to be shocked.
"Happy adoption day!" Everyone cheered together. The whole class was there, all my family and Yoru. My lip trembled as tears of joy welled in my eyes. Dad, Pops and Toshi came over and pulled me into a group hug.
"Happy adoption day, little listener." Pops said just loud enough for me to hear.
"Thank you, guys." I said softly, still in utter shock and disbelief.
"Don't thank us. Thank your friends and your brother." Dad stated. I looked at Toshi and my pink haired friend who was slowly working her way over in confusion.
"I knew it was important to you and you looked so sad when you said you didn't get to celebrate this year and when I said you were getting a party one way or another, I meant it. So we all texted everyone in class and Shinsou got the teachers on board along with Oribuko." I rubbed my eyes before the tears could fall and pulled her into a hug. She happily reciprocated and hugged me back with plenty of force. Kirishima and Hanta pulled me into a group hug next. Denki pulled me into a hug after, picking me up and spinning me in a circle. I smiled widely and held him tightly, completely in awe at everything. There was a small amount of decoration and a cake, music now playing in the background. Izuku pulled me into a hug once I finished admiring the common area. Followed by all of my honorary aunts and uncles and Yoru.
"Guys, this is.. this is amazing. Thank you." I sniffled and wiped my tear ridden eyes again.
"We all know how important this is to you kid. Of course we're gonna celebrate." Uncle Higari said gently, ruffling my hair with a delicate touch.
"Now, let's party!" Mina cheered, throwing her hands in the air.
I made my rounds socializing, my aunts and uncles leaving first since they didn't have much time to neglect grading papers.
"Having fun?" Yoru asked as he came and stood next to me.
"Yeah, are you?" I asked softly.
"Surrounded by twenty something teenagers? Oh yeah, total rager." I rolled my eyes at his sarcasm and he smiled softly. "Are you excited for your work study?"
"Yeah, I just don't know who I'm going to apply with yet. I'm thinking about asking someone in the big three here if they'd be interested in putting in a good word with the agencies they're with."
"That could be a good idea. You did get a lot of offers from the sports festival though, so you might luck out more than other students." I shrugged and took a sip of my soda.
"Yeah, I narrowed down the list a lot from the original one, a lot of quirks wouldn't benefit or even work well with mine outside of my Pops'. Especially when it comes to the training aspect."
"You got a fair point. Maybe a different quirk would help though. Different perspective and all." I pondered it for a second before silently agreeing. "So, you and that blond haired kid? What's going on there?" I shrugged and looked at the boy in question, smiling softly at his animated gestures while he talked with Hanta and Kiri about something.
"We're just friends." He raised an eyebrow in disbelief.
"So you don't like him?"
"I do but I don't think he likes me that way, so I'm not chasing something that won't happen. If he wants to just be friends then I can live with that." He huffed out a breath of air and side eyed me.
"That kid definitely likes you, could tell just by how he hugged you earlier." Yoru said confidently. I looked back to Denki to see him laughing, a sad smile on my face.
"I don't know about that one, but thanks." Yoru gave me a gentle pat on the shoulder and looked solemn for a moment. I followed his line of sight and saw him staring at my arms once more. I quickly crossed them over my chest and looked at my feet. "You don't have to inspect for new ones." He sighed and looked the other way, knowing he had been caught.
"Sorry." He said curtly.
"Hey 'Ryo! Come check this out!" A comforting voice announced. I looked up and saw Denki waving me over. I silently excused myself and walked over to where I was summoned and saw Mina trying to teach Iida how to dance. But he pulled off the robot better than anything else. I tried to stifle my laughter and looked to the side. Denki keeled over in laughter and rested his head on my shoulder. I blushed furiously under the simple action alone and saw Dad giving him the death glare from across the room, Pops actively holding him back.
We're just friends, Dad. It's okay.
Still not a fan.
I rolled my eyes dramatically and turned back to my friends, overall just floating through the socializing. As much as I love them, they can be a bit much at times. Dad and Pops soon left, saying something about how they needed a break from their students. Yoru then said his goodbyes and gave me an awkward hug.
"Now time to play a game!" Mina cheered, throwing her hands in the air. Most of the class was onboard, Kirishima managing to rope Bakugou into it. She grabbed a soda bottle and set it in the middle of the floor, everyone sitting in something resembling a circle. "Okay, everyone's played truth or dare before, right?" Roki raised his hand slightly.
"I haven't played this before." He stated dryly. Only a select few were surprised but Mina happily went over the rules before proceeding to spin the bottle. The horrid concoction sitting in a few different cups around the floor and table.
"Momo! Okay! Truth or dare?" Momo pondered it for a moment, clearly putting in a decent amount of thought before saying truth. "Ugh, lame! Okay, oh! Do you have a crush?" She asked the taller girl excitedly, watching as she flushed a bright pink.
"Yes, at least, I think I do." Mina squealed excitedly, completely enamored with this newfound knowledge.
"Who!" She exclaimed. I put my hand on her shoulder and gave her a subtle look, asking her to calm down and not pester her. Momo spun the bottle and it landed on Hagakure.
"Hagakure, truth or dare?"
"Oh! Dare!" She clapped her hands together in excitement.
"Pretend to be the person to your left for fifteen minutes." We all looked to her left and saw Tokoyami.
"Very well." She said in a sullen tone, already embracing the dare. She calmly spun the bottle and it landed on Ojiro. "Truth or dare, my friend?"
"Uh, truth. Am I the only one getting a little freaked out with this?" I shook my head and watched the girl think.
"Would you trade your furry companion for a million dollars?"
"Well, I don't have a pet. So not applicable?"
"Very well." I stifled out my laughter at her committing to the dare.
"Alright uh," He waited for the bottle to stop, his eyes trained on the glass object. "Iida. Truth or dare?"
"Truth! I will answer anything honestly, I have nothing to hide!" He said pointedly.
"Alright, I guess. How many pairs of glasses do you have?"
"Forty three! I am always prepared for them to break during training so I have ensured the possibility of having enough back ups." Ojiro gave him a thumbs up and we all watched as the bottle spun.
This went back and forth for a while, I almost didn't realize when the bottle landed on me.
"Tsukabro! Truth or dare man!"
"I'll go with dare." Kirishima rubbed his hands together methodically.
"Before I give you a dare, I would like to consult with Mina." I looked at him curiously.
"You got thirty seconds on the clock." Him and Mina bolted up and ran to a wall, making sure to face it. I rubbed my hands together nervously and waited for the two to return, both wearing mischievous grins on their faces. "Careful Kiri, you don't want to be on the bad end of a code yellow. You might want to reconsider." He looked at me with wide eyes and back to Mina.
"I'm sorry bro, but Mina's a bit scarier than you." My elbows rested on my knees while my chin landed on my knuckles, a smirk on my face.
"I warned you, so gimme my dare."
"I dare you to play seven minutes in heaven with Kaminari." He blurted out and I stared at him with wide eyes. My facade almost broke fully but I made sure to keep it mostly in tact. I looked to the blond in question and saw him already staring at me.
"Denki has to agree to i-"
"Yeah." He said, cutting me off.
"Okay." I breathed out, not expecting him to be on board with no hesitation.
"Alright." Kiri grinned, standing up and leading us to a supplies closet. "I got the timer on my phone." He said as he shut us in. Darkness consumed the room in a split second and my breath got caught in my throat. Then I heard something slide in front of the door and I couldn't breathe right anymore. I spun on my heel and tried to open the door but it wouldn't budge.
"Hey.. you okay?" I flinched slightly and kept my eyes closed tight, allowing my forehead to rest on the door while I tried to steady my breathing.
"Yeah, yeah, I-I'm fine. Sorry." I breathed out, my nerves not settling in the slightest as flashbacks ravaged my mind.
"You don't wanna do this, huh?" He asked softly.
"Not because of you, I'm okay doing this with you just, I'm not a fan of enclosed spaces like this, especially when I can't see. Sorry." My words were broken with my labored breathing.
"So you're saying you'd play seven minutes in heaven if we weren't in a closet?" I laughed softly and sniffled. "What can I do to help?"
"Can you keep talking? So my brain can be distracted from the small space of this closet, cause it's really starting to freak me out."
"Okay, I'm gonna grab your hand so we can sit down, maybe help you feel more grounded." I nodded and swallowed harshly when he delicately grabbed my hand. He guided me back a few steps and helped me sit down next to him. "I think I like someone." He started, hand still intertwined with mine. I slowly let me head rest on his shoulder despite the fact that my heart clenched at his words. "And it's a guy." He whispered out. I tugged on my lower lip as I felt the vibrations of his heart. The rhythm rising and falling at random.
"Is that why you asked me the other night how I knew?"
"Yeah. And he's amazing. He's really smart, dark humor, messy hair that he makes look good without even trying." My stomach churned at the description.
"Is he in our class?"
"How'd you know?"
"Denks, you could've told me that you like my brother." I said in the most lighthearted way I could, despite my panic and inner turmoil.
"It's not Shinsou." He paused and started playing with my fingers. "I keep dropping hints but he doesn't pick up on them, he's kind of oblivious despite how smart he is."
"Ah, Midoriya."
"Still no." I furrowed my eyebrows together, not understanding where he was going with it.
"Tell me?" I asked softly, my voice stuck in my throat.
"You should be able to figure it out." I bit my lip as I racked my brain for answers.
"Bakugou?"
"No."
"Gimme another hint." I gently asked, hoping he would cave.
"I'm holding his hand right now." My mind shut off and I sat up, he went to move his hand but I didn't let go.
"You like.. me?"
"Yeah, I've been dropping hints and flirting. Look, it's fine if you don't like me in that way, just tell me." With what little courage I had in my body, I moved my hand up to his shoulder and straddled his lap like I did in Kiri's basement. His hands immediately found my hips and I brought my hands up to delicately cup his jaw. My heart was threatening to beat out my chest but I refused to let my nerves stop me.
"Would I be sitting on you like this if I didn't like you?"
"I mean, you did it once before." I rolled my eyes and ignored the blush on my face.
"And you said it would happen again."
"Indeed I did." He whispered before capturing my lips in a kiss. It was passionate and heavy, our lips dancing together in the dark, his fingers lightly digging into my skin. I slowly pulled back and rested my forehead against his. "So, boyfriends?" He asked hopefully.
"Boyfriends. And I'll make sure my dad doesn't kill you." He groaned and wrapped his arms around my waist.
"I'll enjoy it while I'm alive." I giggled softly and rubbed my thumbs across the apples of his cheeks.
"I think you'll live, my Pops likes you so he'll have a better chance at reigning him in." He sighed a breath of relief and we simply sat there, absorbing the silence and basking in each others happiness. The door swung open to reveal Kirishima, Mina, Sero, Hanta and Izuku. The first two smiled and fist bumped each other. The other three sat there jaws dropped.
"Do I wanna ask?" Hitoshi asked in shock and disbelief.
"I have a boyfriend now and Dad might kill him." His eyes widened further.
"You might wanna tell him tonight so that he has time to calm down before class on Monday." I sent him a tight lipped smile and stood up, Denki standing as well and immediately slipping his hand into mine.
"Let's enjoy the rest of this before I drop that bomb on him." He nodded and we all went back to the common area. Denki sat beside me and loosely rested an arm behind my waist. I spun the bottle and watched as it landed on Bakugou. The blond groaned and glared at me.
"Dare. I'm not a wimp." He barked before I could get a word out.
"Okay, you know that hot sauce you have in the fridge? The ghost pepper one that you don't use a lot of? If you're not a wimp then go ahead and chug it." He grumbled something that none of us could understand and stomped to the fridge. Kirishima got up and grabbed a small trash can. The two sat down and we watched as Bakugou popped off the cap and downed half the bottle. We all waited with a bated breath as a small sweat broke out on his forehead and his eyes started tearing up.
"Happy, earbleed?"
"Impressed, actually." He scowled and angrily wiped the sweat off his forehead before spin the bottle in the center, watching it land on Izuku. "Oh no."
"Ha! I dare you to-" Midoriya practically lunged for the nasty concoction and took a large swig of it, barely choking it down.
"Oh that is nasty." He said in a meek tone.
"That's cheating! I didn't even finish telling you your dare you damn nerd!"
"No, that's just the rules, nowhere does it say you have to wait for the person to finish talking." I mused. "I think we should stop there though, because Izuku looks like he might be sick." Everyone agreed and Hitoshi and I managed to slip out almost undetected when we left to our parents place.
"Hey little listeners, we just saw you two an hour or two ago. Everything okay?" Pops asked as soon as we walked in.
"I have news. Is Dad here?" He nodded and hollered for him, Dad came around the corner confused at the sight before him but greeted us the same and sat on the couch.
"Is everything okay?" He asked as soon as we got comfortable.
"Onryo, this one is all you." Hitoshi said, content sitting back and watching it unfold.
"Onryo?" Pops asked softly.
"Denki and I are dating now." I blurted out, watching Dad go through the first four stages of grief in two seconds.
"I'm sorry?" Dad asked, Pops simply staring at me wide eyed. "And when did this happen?"
"Less than an hour ago."
"I leave you two alone for a short period of time, and this happens? How did this happen?" He asked, clearly still in shock.
"Truth or dare and Denki ended up confessing." I said softly, my trauma responses kicking in.
"Sho, honey, relax." Pops said softly, rubbing Dads back.
"Okay." He mumbled, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. "Sorry, this is a lot to take in. I'm glad that you're comfortable enough to be open with us about this and I told you I'm trying to let go of the loud blond rule. However I think the ground rules are a must now." I nodded and wrung my fingers in my lap. "Eventually, I would like the sleepovers to stop. However, at this moment, he is one of the only things helping you sleep. Please keep PDA to a minimum, and what do you do if he starts trying to push for stuff you're not comfortable with?"
"Drop him right away and tell both of you." I answered gently, still trying to come out of my trauma brain.
"Thank you." He sighed. "Sunshine, do you have anything to add?"
"You really like him?" Pops asked softly. I nodded and looked at him. "Then you can let yourself be happy. Just remember to take care of yourself."
"Okay." I mumbled out.
"Does that all sound fair?" Pops asked, looking at me with a small smile on his face, clearly happy but shocked with this development.
"Yeah." I paused for a moment and buffered. "Can I add a rule?"
"A teenager asking for a rule? Sure, why not." Dad mused, clearly baffled.
"Dad, no killing him or intimidating unless we something bad happens." Dad sighed but nodded.
"I suppose that sounds fair." He grumbled. "I'm still not happy."
"We should invite him over for dinner!" Pops exclaimed and we all looked at him wide eyed.
"Uh, we'll come back to that one." Dad confirmed, patting his hand on Pops'.
#mha#bnha#my hero academia#boku no hero academia#denki#kaminari#kaminari x oc#tsukare#onryo#tsukare onryo#erasermic family#eraserhead#aizawa#dadzawa#hizashi yamada#present mic#hitoshi#shinso#shinso hitoshi#class 1a#angst#adopted au#slowburn#series#lgbt
0 notes
Text
I Fasted from Social Media for 24 Hours
I was tasked to take a full 24 hours off social media. This meant no Instagram, TikTok, Twitter (X), Snapchat, or YouTube. I'm always online. It's constant. I knew this would be a challenge, and it certainly was. Here's a breakdown of my day.
10 AM- I woke up around this time and said to myself, "This is the day we do it!" and then instantly opened Instagram out of habit. I was feeling off this day so I decided to skip one of my classes. I went to my morning class as per usual. It was weird to not check my DMs the second I had a free moment.
11 AM- I had lunch in the dining hall. I had brought a book but my friends joined me. I was so distracted that I didn't even think of going online. However, the second I was out of the dining hall, I opened Instagram out of habit.
12 PM- I was back in my dorm resting instead of going to class. My partner woke up around this time. When they're awake, I'm on my phone more often since we're long-distance. I'll usually scroll social media while I wait for a text back. It was an odd change up to my day. The hardest part of the whole day happened here. I had learned about a new topic and couldn't scour the internet to learn more about it.
1 PM- I spent roughly an hour browsing Etsy and book giveaways on Goodreads. I got bored after a while and decided to draw some patches for my partner. I found a podcast about the previously mentioned topic and zoned out for a good while.
2 PM- I moved on from the patch designs to working on my senior art project. I wanted to use what would have been class time to keep working. I forgot about social media during this time. It was delightful.
3 PM- In my notes I wrote when doing this, there are two words under this time slot. "Radium Girls." All caps. I had stopped working around this time because I couldn't stop thinking about the Radium Girls of the 1920s. I spent a solid hour researching them.
4 PM- I bent the rules a little bit. I do social media for work. Unfortunately, no one else could post our weekly Wednesday meme, so I popped onto Instagram, uploaded it, and closed it again. Simple as that. Part of me is disappointed looking back, but I see it as something different since it's for work.
5 PM- Took a nap.
8 PM- Woke up and instantly went on Instagram out of habit. Can you guess what I do when I wake up?
9 PM- I got food with some friends and played a video game for a long while. It was a lot of fun.
10 PM- I always get a little burst of energy at night so I worked on some homework. Not much else.
11 PM- I was still working on homework but bounced between that and chatting with my roommate. I got kind of restless around this point, wanting to go scroll online. I eventually gave up on that and watched Friends with my roommate.
12 AM- I've never watched so much Friends. My roommate went to sleep and I was left alone. I wanted to go scroll Instagram so badly. It's been my nighttime regulation activity since I was about 15. It felt weird to just sit around in the dark.
1 AM- Yet again I have only written "Radium Girls." Did more research around this time.
2 AM- I got ready for bed and played games on my phone until I fell asleep. It was a weird day without social media. My 24 hours wasn't done yet, but I was.
10 AM- I woke up again and went on Instagram. I was back online again as if nothing ever happened.
Final Thoughts- Not my favorite thing I've ever done. It certainly proved a point and showed just how addicted I am to social media though. I learned that scrolling is a pacifier to me. It's the stimulation and regulation my brain craves all the time. Being distracted and having something else (e.g., drawing, crochet, TV) to stimulate me is a good alternative. It was an interesting experience, but I can't see myself doing this outside of anything for a class though.
0 notes
Text
✩ STAR DIARY - entry three - 18.2.23 ✩
9:24 am
im fucking exhausted right now.
i woke up earlier than usual today, and since i was awake, i decided to weigh myself. for the past few days, i’ve been losing a pound everyday, consistently. today, if i were to lose another pound, i would’ve hit a new lw, but of course that didn’t happen because i lost 0.4 of a pound instead.
126.2
im disgusted, and frankly pretty pissed off and sad. i’ve literally been doing everything right, what am i missing here ? of course im impatient, i’ve been liquid fasting for nearly a week, all im doing is waiting for the numbers to drop, and when that doesn’t happen, it annoys me beyond compare.
it’s funny because, yesterday i was too scared to even have soup (90 cals), because i thought it had too much already. i previously had, a coffee (40 cals), white monster (11 cals), Coke Zero and water.
maybe i did have too much after all.
this weigh in has put me in a sour mood.
i never really let myself get my hopes up for weigh in’s because i always expect to be disappointed, but it thought it would at least be 125.9 or .8, you know ?
and i know im still fat, okay ? i get it, it’s a work in progress, and im only nearly on day six of my fast, i’ll lose more and more, and it’s motivating, but i cant fake it and say that im okay right now, you know ?
i think im just going to distract myself today, try not to weigh in for a few days so i can really be surprised when i do.
✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩
4:04 pm
SHUT UP YOU DEPRESSED AND TIRED LOSER!
that was so dramatic, wtf.
anyway, i lied.
i went back to sleep and slept until right now, and felt the urge to weigh myself when i woke up so i gave in and did.
125.2!!!!
NEW LW JUST DROPPED, WHO DIS ?!
lmao, anyway im really pleased that everything is working out. im still going to try to not weigh myself everyday, at least. simply because weight fluctuation and stuff really messes with me. so yeah, just gotta try to break out of that bad habit lmao.
anyway! im now 5.2lbs away from my next gw of 120!
tbh, my gw had always been 130, for years. and i would always be between 130-140lbs, and would start restricting again whenever i got too close to, or past 140.
then, this summer i finally actually hit 130 and got to 126, my lowest weight, before binging again and eating “normally” for the next six months. i say normally in quotation marks because i was eating too much, it wasn’t recovery.
it was fear.
fear of when i’d restrict myself again. i wanted to enjoy all of the food as much as i could for as long as i could get away with until i couldn’t gain anymore.
130 became my new 140.
i hit 132, freaked out and now here we are.
i didn’t relapse because at 132, however.
i relapsed at 130. restricted for a few weeks before binging for a few days and going from about 128 to 132, which is pretty easy, so yeah.
now we’re here.
close to a gw that i’ve never in my life hit before.
im excited to say the least
✩ blessing you with a starry night, ruki ✩
#star ✩ diary#tw ana vent#tw ana relapse#tw ed vent#tw ana diary#tw ed diet#tw disordered eating#tw ed in the tags#tw ana diet#tw ana related#tw ana shit#tw ed sheeran#ed without the sheeran#ed but not sheeran#tw ed#tw ed relapse#tw ed rant#anorex14#anorecxia#anor3×14#anor3x14#anamia
1 note
·
View note
Text
The night before last, an owl hooted outside my window, another out-of-place birdsong. We used to get owls here and there in Naperville. Don’t think I ever saw or heard one here.
Again, I woke up an hour after going to bed, but less panicked this time.
Most of the day, I felt better. I had energy. I cleared away more cat things, threw away the litter box. Reorganized some things in the entryway closet. Finally took some Christmas stuff down to storage. Still didn’t take down the Christmas tree, though I removed the ornaments. It’s absurdly late, but these have not been normal times, and the lights still give me a bit of comfort.
I spent a lot of time catching up on Tumblr, distracted from my life much of the day. Caught up on some comedy sketches too.
At night, things were noisy. Cars and people. Some banging of unclear origin that scared me, followed by police arriving at the building next door. Something to do with a woman and her apartment - I couldn’t hear clearly - couldn’t get in maybe? Didn’t sound distraught. Things took a while, and finally the police left. But my heart had taken a jolt and wasn’t doing well. I was worried. I took stuff but couldn’t fix it. At one point, my arm went a bit numb. I kept my phone close and unlocked the deadbolt on my door, just in case. I managed to get to sleep and survive.
Today, I was listless and drenched in sadness again. My heart felt better, and I didn’t have any terrible breakdowns, but I just wanted to lie in bed and do nothing, think nothing. I thought I’d enjoy the nice weather, but I woke up late, and then I was just so slow, and I wanted to take it easy on myself. I ran out of coffee and didn’t manage to go to Costco before its cruel Sunday closing time. Went to Jewel instead and got a bunch of stuff. Managed to do one load of laundry, and that was about it. At night, my mood picked up, and there were no scary things this time. But I still didn’t have a great deal of energy.
There will be ups and downs, of course. The sadness doesn’t have to happen all in one go. Pangs of grief may hit me even years from now. For now, I’m trying to go with the flow. Sometimes I just need to let myself sit with the feelings. Sometimes I need to try and focus on the positive. Sometimes I need distraction. Sometimes I need to be productive.
At a certain point, it helps to think about all the other people - and animals - who have been through a similar experience. But not in the very beginning. In the very beginning, it’s completely personal, incomparably specific, and justice needs to be done to that. It’s a unique, irreplaceable relationship between unique, irreplaceable individuals. It’s days and hours and minutes that never existed before and never will again. But with time, the personal can start to blend together with the universal, and the tragic end of life can start to blend together with its beautiful entirety, softening the pain.
0 notes
Text
*Seeing the future*
Example: *A Christmas tale*
It is Christmas Eve. At about 6am in the morning I leave Sunny’s room after sleeping with her despite her having a boyfriend.
It was maybe the best sex I ever had and one of the most romantic things I’ve ever done.
I don’t think it was a mistake. It had to happen. There was nothing to stop it.
Not even me. Although I knew with almost absolute certainty that this would happen, about 4 days earlier. I knew it half a year earlier than that, I just didn’t have an exact date back then.
One night I was at my club, like every other night. Sunny had a bad day, so she came to me, having a good time with me.
We were joking around, like we always do. And like it always does, the joking changed to flirting. Then teasing. And then to wanting each other.
She already had her new boyfriend back then. Not too long, I think, but I am sure they were already together.
Sunny said she wanted to walk home with me, holding my hand, joking around on the way, just like old times. And we did.
We had a few moments where we were touching each other inappropriately, teasing and loosing our will to stay away from ourselves. We never kissed. I knew that was the line. If I had kissed her then, I don’t think anything more would have happened. It had just lead to problems for both of us.
At home, we had a long and deep hug and went our way to our rooms. When I got into my bed, I closed my eyes and I knew, we will be sleeping with each other again. Under the right circumstances. And I also knew she will still have her boyfriend then. I didn’t know the date. But I had a strong feeling it will be before the end of the year. As soon as the stars will align.
After a few long and quiet months the year neared it’s end. It was almost Christmas now. We had friends over. We all had fun, playing games, but in a moment of honesty after getting asked how her relationship is working out, Sunny told us that she is unhappy, she is bored.
I looked out of the window, it was a night with clouds in the sky. In between the soft and white strings of clouds I could she a small portion of the dark sky. And right in the middle of it, was a tiny little star shining at me, tingling me with his light.
A few days later, we went to a party. I fucked up that day. I let myself go. Drinking often around Christmas leaves me with not enough self control to stop myself from tactically manipulating people. And I set sunny up. Just a bit, because I thought It was funny. I planted a seed of thought in her mind. The thought of sleeping with a specific friend of us.
And so I got jealous. Scared. Scared of losing her to a that friend. Scared of not being of enough for her. Scared of being less than someone I look down upon. It wasn’t something I could control, it wasn’t something I wanted. It wasn’t something I should have felt.
And I also planted another seed of thought in her mind. The thought of finding something not boring. And I got scared of not being the one she would chose to not be boring.
I fucked up. I let myself go. Of course it wasn’t all just me but I also don’t know how much of it was my doing. It might just be all of it.
I slept badly that night, having weird dreams following me with bad thoughts. I didn’t know where they came from and what they meant. I woke up in the middle of the night and smoked a cigarette in my bed. Under the dim light of the moon outside. And next to it, two little stars, shining bright into the night.
A few days later, Sunny and I started watching a show together after not wanting to sleep early and having nothing to do. For some reason I didn’t understand, I was horny. I was horny as fuck. I kept it to myself mostly, not falling into old patterns as much as I could. One night, after I finished masturbating, when I had a clear mind free of distractions, I closed my eyes, just like months before and I saw three dots of light flickering on my eyelids. Pointing at me, judging me for not noticing them every time I close my eyes.
It was then when I finally knew. When the three tiny stars formed a line together pointing at a yet not lit up bigger star. The star of Christmas Eve. It was then when I knew why I was horny. It was then when I knew. I would be sleeping with sunny on Christmas Eve.
The night of Christmas came. My roommates and I all went our way to our parents. And when sunny arrived at her family, the last star started to shine down on the world. Leading the way for a beautiful Christmas evening.
We followed our normal tradition of me picking her up with my car at her parents and getting her home. We even met her old friends from school in a pub for a bit, after sunny had to wait half an hour, alone.
And when we drove home, the night was clear. It was dark. And the car lights ahead of us where shining at us. The sky was full of stars, small and big, shining at us. Like the whole world was lit up. Shining at us.
Sunny being bored, me being alone, sunny on her period, me not having self-control, sunny always being sad after being in contact with her family, me being sad after being in contact with my family, Sunny’s boyfriend not being in town but far away at his parents, me being jealous of her flirting with our friend, our historical connection.
It was all the things at once, all the specific circumstances that let us to what we did next. I tried to fight it, although I knew it wouldn’t work. It tried not to do it.
In the end I had the most amazing Christmas I ever had. And she had the most amazing Christmas she ever had, too.
Like a story, written only to be read and learned from. It was our Christmas. And it was perfect.
Epilogue:
There is a lot of questions to this story. A lot of „what ifs“. Couldn’t I just not do it, if I knew days earlier? Was there any way to stop it? No. There was no other way.
Yes, I knew before. But as I’ve done before, I rejected it. I thought, surely, it won’t happen this time. I didn’t think about it. The moment I knew, it was already too late. The stones had been laid.
It’s the specific ways that we got pushed along by our fears and worries. The very long list of specific circumstances being just right.
I am not sure if there actually was a way to avoid it, maybe with a very strong mind. So strong, only a few people in the world might possess it. Neither of us does.
I am sure, if sunny was self-aware enough about her actions and mindful of the future, she could’ve known too. Actually, I am sure, deep down she did know. There was no way around it.
If the circumstances wouldn’t have fit together so perfectly, I had not seen it. And it would not have happened. It would have been the same as the lang ago night at my club. Having fun, joking, flirting, teasing. This would have fucked up our lives even more. We would’ve been in each others heads again. Falling back to our old story. Our codependency. Not in a good way. And it would have just delayed the moment to another time.
It will probably end both of our lives as we know them. One way or another. Everything will change. I don’t think I am ready for it.
**Written on 05.01.2023**
Epilogue 2:
I talked to sunny, because she ignored it. I gave her the options she had. She decided to tell her boyfriend now. It will definitely end both of our lives as we know them.
She will have to move out. Never talk to me again. Our online and real life friends will have to split. Our lives will be separate from this point onwards IF he decides to stay together with her.
I think it may be the best option for her. I don’t know if she is strong enough to stay with me. No matter if I get my life straight or not. I don’t know if she can see the end of it without going crazy. So everything that keeps her away from me might actually be the best for her life. There is also a chance for her to keep her boyfriend. Which might also be good for her, even though the relationship will not last too much longer.
For her boyfriend, I don’t think it was the best option. Maybe in the long run. The very long run. But what was best only gets decided at the end of our lives, so there is no point in accepting this as the best option, only because there is a chance.
I think best for him would have been to not tell him and just end the relationship. Of course he’d be hurt. But he’ll get over it. Way faster than with staying together and ending it later. Being in a relationship with someone that cheated is mentally challenging. You fear it happening again, even years later. There is negative trust between the partners to be rebuild. I don’t think he is even remotely strong enough to go through that.
In my case, this is the worst option. My life is over now. Losing your best friend at 25 is nothing to recover from. There will not be another one. Everyone after this point will just be a friend.
I lost my male best friend long ago when standing up for Sunny. Now I lost Sunny too. I lost my flat and my roommates. I‘ll lose some of my other friends too. I am getting 25 soon, so I have to grow up now. Find a Job. Earn money. Get a life. And I have to do it alone. I don’t know if I can still work on my NPD anymore. I don’t know if I can make it any further without her.
I finished the last day of my life with going to my club. Listening to music and dancing for almost three hours. Alone. I wanted to cry but I didn’t. I couldn’t.
I don’t feel anything anymore. I just feel empty. I didn’t drink though. That would’ve sealed it. One drop of alcohol and I had never looked back. It doesn’t feel fair and I don’t know if I will make it.
**Written on 09.01.2023**
0 notes
Text
Living with Losing You - 8/15/2022
Got through it!
Luckily work today was not too bad! I was very relieved. I gave huge kudos to my team for being able to cover me while I was out for the last 4 weeks. It’s pretty insane that it’s already been that long. Tomorrow will be exactly one month since you took your life. Insane. It still almost doesn’t feel real. I know it is, I just hate that it is.
I didn’t sleep well last night (but honestly, have I ever?) so I woke up early and signed on to start going through my email. I had a lot to catch up on. Still do. Like I said, fortunately all in all I did not have a ton of “Fires” that I immediately had to put out. I used to call you while I worked and just sit on the phone with you while you played a game and I worked. we weren’t physically together but it gave me a sense of comfort to know that you were there presently with me, and available for me to talk to if I wanted to start a conversation. I miss that. I was able to keep composure for the workday though which was nice. It is a good distraction, even though I struggled a bit to focus since I am so depressed.
I have been eating more which is great. Go me! I lost a lot of weight when you took your life, so I am really trying to be better about making sure that I am eating. Sleeping is the larger challenge as I mentioned. I was sad because the baby blue hydrangeas that I mentioned that I bought while I went grocery shopping (so I would actually have food to eat at home) essentially died overnight. I mean, it’s hot in the apartment, but that was just depressing. I guess it made me think of you and how I thought you had more life left in you. I hate that I have such morbid thoughts like that, but I really can’t help it.
After work and multiple meals I went to practice. Mondays the boys will have speed workouts, so today we split the JV and Varsity and did a tempo / mile repeats depending on what level you’re at. These are always fun. I am so glad that I am able to coach, because it really does help me emotionally and usually physically. I have noticed that running and I have not gotten along post COVID. To quickly recap, I ran one mile on Saturday (like 10 minute pace) and then two miles on Sunday (8 minute then 10:30 minute paces). Today I was feeling good, and picked up my pace a bit. Well, it felt good until it didn’t and I couldn’t breathe. My lungs still ache and this was hours ago. It is so frustrating (or how you LOVE to say it, “fustrating”) because I was in such good shape and now I am gasping for air and my lungs hurt like hell after I run. I did get a little concerned though because I feel like my lungs shouldn’t ache that much. Or should they? Any people reading this that have contracted COVID and have lingering issues, please feel free to chime in.
I was supposed to go to a church group tonight, but honestly after that run and then struggling to breathe / being in pain, I settled on making some left overs for dinner. After I ate i did start to write some more music. Writing in general is really helping me get through it. Well, try to at least. I took Sadie on a mini walk and shed a few tears when I got to the top of the hill. I just miss you so much. It makes me so sad but also angry in ways. i really go between the two emotions.
I am relieved that I have tomorrow off. I did end up logging onto my email for work to try and catch up on some more emails tonight. I am listening to a podcast as well called “Mental Health Matters”. They’re talking about “Profound Grief”, it’s interesting.
I did make sure I had weekly therapy scheduled (except for when I am in KY since therapists have to be licensed in the state I am in when we connect). I also ended up pushing that dentist appointment up that’s been rescheduled like 5 times. Some unforeseen circumstances from the dental staff, and then of course form myself as well. This is good though because my tooth that needs a crown is actually hurting. Fingers crossed it doesn’t hurt as badly tomorrow. The appointment is Wednesday morning. Also may have found a trauma / grief therapist. This is good news! Just waiting for them to get back to me. If not, all good, Back to the drawing board.
I should really try and go to bed. I have Sadie’s vet appointment at like 8:30am. I also have a doctors appointment (need to pick up my LOA paperwork) and then seeing a new friend (from that group I mentioned when I went to improv) in the evening. Hoping it’ll be a good day. It will likely be a very hard day. Man. One month.
James, I wish so much you could be with us. But then, I realize that you really are still with me. And I plan to keep you alive in my heart, always. No matter where life takes me.
Will love you forever. Sadie and latte miss you. We all do. Your little family (as you called it) will always be yours.
Rest in Peace, James Burton Nichols
10/1/1993 - 7/16/2022
0 notes
Text
Welfare Food Challenge-$25, First Day
I woke up at around 10 am on the first day of my food welfare challenge (it is quite late but I have an excuse for this which I will share a bit later) and had nothing to eat for the morning. Sincerely, it wasn't a lack of food in the kitchen; rather, I forgot to shop for groceries with the $25 I set aside to use for this challenge. Soon, I ran straight to the kitchen to have a glass of water and rushed straight to the washroom to get ready for grocery shopping.
I went to Walmart feeling hungry with $25 in my pockets, and a credit card, but oh God!! I can’t use my cards, at least not this week for the grocery. I was also feeling tired because last day I had school and then work until midnight and then I had to cook dinner and do some household chores. After all of this, I ended up sleeping at around 4 am after writing my pre-food welfare challenge reflection. So this is my excuse for getting up late this morning.
I came back home from shopping at lunchtime and therefore, for lunch I prepared scrambled eggs which I made by stirring and whisking two eggs until the yolk and white and completely combined while gently heating. I added some onion and corn as well to make it quite tasty. Along with it, I heated two naans. Ta-da..!!! This is what I ate for lunch.
Honestly, I was still feeling hungry.
In the evening, I ate one banana with half a glass of milk. I was pretty excited about dinner because I decided to make some pasta with peas and corn in it. Pasta is one of my favorite foods. Thankfully, it is not that expensive. To avoid hunger in between my meals I tried to distract myself by studying and eating water throughout the day to keep going. However, it was not that less amount of food which I ate today but as I do have a habit of eating something after every 2 hours I felt it quite less. Fortunately, I had an off from work today, because of which I could bear it. As I think I had ample milk, I planned to prepare some curd for the other days. I added some yogurt starter and kept it to ferment overnight, which I believe might not be available to everyone when you only have a budget of $25, ugh! I broke one rule today!
This is what my very first day of the food welfare challenge looked like and the meals I had on the first day. Right now I just want to go to sleep and start my second day of this challenge.
0 notes
Text
okay so we had our pregame to our fourth of july anti party (basically a party but with only our main group)
it was me, bella, jason, spencer, connor, and will.
throughout the party, it seemed that spencer and i got our regular banter back and we were back to normal. something tiny that stuck out to me was when i was joking around with bella and i showed her this picture of me with a little figurine at the mall and she said “is that your man?” and spencer suddenly became very interested.
as the night went on, we all got more drunk, especially me and bella. i went to get a drink from the garage but told everyone that i needed someone to come with me because it was dark and spencer was the first to offer. he was being very touchy with me but i didn’t want to take it too far because i thought he was still kind of serious with this other girl.
turns out, he wasn’t. at one point in the night, when we were all super drunk, i was talking to connor about some mindless shit and everyone else was in the corner talking about something. apparently, spencer was asking bella if he should make a move on me. bella was telling him that i was insecure and he said that i was gorgeous. bella told me that he thought i was a really cool person.
he was gushing to the group about me and will came over to tell me about it but i couldn’t really find it in myself to believe him. then bella came over to me and pulled me aside to tell me everything. apparently he wanted to make a move on me but he was scared that connor liked me and didn’t want to hurt anyone (this is funny now and you’ll see why soon). bella told him he should because i’ve liked spencer for so long and the only reason i really talked to connor was for a distraction.
when bella and i were alone later in the night, she was trying to prep me for kissing and other activities lmao. she ended up hiding a condom in my bag in case i needed it which i found this morning lmao.
at this point, it was four, nearing five am and everyone was tired. spencer and will had crashed on the couch and connor was about to fall asleep as well. bella wanted to play matchmaker and she woke spencer up and told him to come sleep in a bed instead of the couch, and she told me to sleep in the same bed. she led us to our room and closed the door and he was actually really cool about it. he asked if i actually wanted it closed and i said it was up to him so he kept it closed which led me to believe something would ensue.
we ended up cuddling again but it felt more intimate this time, somehow? i’m not sure. i think because the last time we were really only spooning but this time i put my head on his chest and he told me to swing my leg over his body. he also put his hand under my shirt and rubbed my back and he held hands with me a lot more this time. in the morning he said he wasn’t tired but he still stayed to cuddle. he was being really sweet, like even brushing my hair behind my ears and shit.
a few hours later he told me he was gonna go home for a bit before we had the actual party tonight and i said goodbye and he drove home. i went back to sleep.
i woke up to a text from spencer saying that he didn’t think this thing between was gonna work and he didn’t want to take it any further. he sent it only a few minutes after he left.
so once again i am left extremely hurt by spencer. and the first time it wasn’t his fault, like we were just cuddling and he never insinuated that anything would happen. but this time he got my hopes up because he told my whole friend group that he liked me and he was being so tender with me.
i just can’t help but feel like i did something but he made sure to reassure me that he thought i was cute and it was nothing against me??? idk i just kinda wish that he wouldn’t have even cuddled with me this time if he was just gonna decide that it wouldn’t work. it was just such a quick turnaround so i’m confused. not that people aren’t allowed to change their minds but i just wish he would’ve thought about it harder because it did hurt me.
i told bella about it in the morning and she talked me through it and told me that it wasn’t me, and that he’s kind of notorious for this kind of thing. i’m grateful to have bella and i’m trying so hard to believe her but i just can’t help but feel like he wouldn’t have sent that text if i had done something different. i just can’t figure out what.
update: bella just texted me and tried to give me some perspective. she asked for jason’s opinion as well. they think that he does like me and thinks i’m pretty but he’s afraid to catch feelings because we’re going to different colleges in the fall and we’ll be an hour or two away from each other. i don’t quite remember this from last night but bella also told me that connor thinks i’m pretty and cool as well. but i don’t think i should pursue anything with him right now because i think it’d just look weird on my end since connor and spencer are such good friends. idk. bella and jason are great friends though for getting me out of my head with this. i love them.
0 notes
Last Seen Blogs
theimmortalcor-blog
Cor Leonis
toonymoon-doodles
Drawing Is My Way Of ✨Fun✨
crystalizedvessel710
cap/libra/ scorpio
monkstrap-sandcow-boyhats
Hi, welcome to Griddy's
kaoskakiwanitatasikmalaya
Kaos Kaki Wanita Tasikmalaya