#esp with the fact that actual switches are incredibly rare and most of this is all inside
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I think...that I'm coming to the realization that Treias and all its inhabitants are in fact Inner World and always has been. Additionally, Drake Edward Morrison III, and maybe a few key others, are probably headmates...
I'm a little surprised it took me this long to figure it out. I don't really know if this is like...an introject thing or he was always a part of the system and I just was blind to it or what. I keep seeing to fit everything neatly into labels but that's not how existing works. But whatever this whole situation is, there's no actual separation between the then and now, he has always been a singular being and presence in my life and everything we've gone through is "canon" I guess lol.
My previous tentative belief of this being a "What if I'm connected to a different universe" thing I realize isn't exactly right. I still think that could be a possibility for some, but it isn't the case with me. Treias just really is my actual Inner World, in its entirety. OCs are still OCs, but my connection to them as being very real is also true, the two aren't mutually exclusive.
Pardon my ableist language here, but reading either of these beliefs from an outside perspective I'm sure seems like the ramblings of a crazy person. But like. Idk this one feels correct. Treias is my inner world, but also a fictional playground at the same time. Parts of the playground become canon to the inner world, and others are like an AU? If that even makes sense. One is more like creating it and the other is not like discovering it, tho the two often cross over??
Uh. Either way, this revelation opens up the world SIGNIFICANTLY on the inside. It's always been my escape and I should have figured sooner tbh. And my complex feelings/relationship with Drake and how it's changed over time. Somehow it makes even more sense this way.
I'm not really sure how I feel completely. There's a weird mix of like anxiety and hopeful...something. A weird combination of discovery and loss at the same time? And I don't know why. I really don't know what to think of it all and probably still need much more time to really sit with it.
I know every state is different but I wonder if there's like. Somewhere I could share this info and others have similar experiences?? Idk I'm really tired and anxious over new job and need to sleep so idk idk. I do feel really strongly about this tho. Treias is and always has been Inner World in a Plural/System sense, and it's highly likely that at least a handful of OCs might be headmates either having always been such or have become introjects.
#toby talk#it's really strange all of it#but at the same time oddly feels like idk homey? comforting?#i never know how to really articulate what the experience is like#the experience of being plural#esp with the fact that actual switches are incredibly rare and most of this is all inside#but I know it's real because of those said rare switches#it's just so much to take in
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so im not a brat at all, who in bnha do u think would love the good girls, the eager to please girls, best ? (:<
finally a question i can answer. 😭 i’m not a brat either. i hate punishment and the thought of doing smth just to get under someone’s skin makes me itch. that being said, my faves are my faves for a reason. 😉 i headcanon a lot of them into this category.
and i personally believe that most people - until they’re with a brat - don’t know how demanding that type of dynamic can be. there’s nothing wrong with it, but i would say that true “brat tamers” (i don’t like that term but whatever) are pretty rare because you have to be okay with the constant pushback from your sub. and most doms get drained by that rather than energized from it.
but i digress, here we gooooo 🥳
togata. listen. i said this before i started really writing ddlg/age play content for bnha: if we’re strictly looking at character traits readily exhibited in canon, togata is the first and really only character i could easily see as a true daddy dom of a little sub, the whole bit. he loves a person that’s eager to please, and his dominance style is heavily based on praise, gentle guidance, and seeing his sub flourish. togata does not get enough love, but i also say that knowing i may not write him very often bc i love my grumpy grump soft boys (see below).
aizawa. he’s got big daddy dom energy, but he doesn’t have the mental or emotional energy for constant give and take of bratting. just looking at young aizawa can tell you a lot about him: he’s much more sensitive than he lets on to the outside world, and he’s incredibly caring. he can put you in your place if necessary, but by far, he prefers obedient, pliant, good, etc. it makes him all soft and warm inside to see you smile and flourish under his care ion make the rules.
bakugo. you’d think he has the energy to be a brat tamer (that’s actually izu) because he can put you in your place so easily, but i think the moment someone who truly loves obedience and being good captures his heart, he’s such a softie. 😭 he loves it. it makes his heart race to have his little sweetie so eager to please.
todoroki. he’s not a brat tamer. at all. in fact i think punishment in general but esp anything that doesn’t involve pleasure is a hard limit for him.
yamada. soft dom/switch vibes for dayyysss. he loves good girls but doesn’t mind playful bratting.
kaminari. he’s kind of bratty as a sub, but as a switch/soft dom, but he doesn’t like coming down with a strong arm. he doesn’t mind a little give and take, finds it fun actually, but he thinks obedience is just adorable and he loves it.
toshinori. he’s so soft ok 😭 maybe in his younger days, he would have liked the push and pull, but he loves sweetheart who love to please. and after the life he’s had, he deserves a damn break.
tokoyami. sure he’s high protocol for the most part (imo), but he’s big on the appearance of innocence and has a corruption kink. obedient, pliant sweethearts make him crazy.
kirishima and iida could go either way i feel, but they love giving praise, and good girls are great for that.
midoriya has definite brat tamer energy, but he’s like kiri. he loves giving praise, guiding, obedience, softness, etc. don’t think he’d mind a good girl. i think he’d enjoy it quite a bit, but that playfulness and willingness to punish for your benefit should not go to waste. 🫣
chisaki. (i don’t like him but listen.) mostly because disobedient pets irritate the hell out of him. he doesn’t have the patience or playfulness needed for a brat, frankly. but obedient pets put a twinkle in his eye.
mashirao gives kind, soft dom vibes and i will take no further questions at this time. 🫣 he loves a good girl.
amajiki also gives soft dom vibes like ojiro. he can be a hard ass every once in a while, but he likes obedience.
@dcsiremc @neon-gothicc @heartofjasmina @sunflower-emoji thought you’d like this
#this was not a request i just have a lot of thoughts on it clearly lmao#asks#bakubunny#bnha#bnha smut#mha#mha smut#x reader#f!reader#boku no hero academia#my hero academia#aged up characters#boku no hero
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no problem on reblogging my post again it is by far one of my MOST favorite posts of all time i reaaally popped off when i wrote that. also one thing i didn’t mention there (bc it honestly would have distracted from the point i was making but is important nonetheless) is that making phoenix a random dark skinned poc is actually extremely colorist.
there is no reason he couldn’t be japanese and simultaneously dark skinned. even without making him an indigenous japanese person (which you should not do unless you are part of these ethnicities), even in the most common japanese ethnic group there are tons of people with darker/ tanned skin, curly hair, broad noses and to act like that is somehow not possible, not only is that extremely colorist, but also very racist because a lot of these notions stems from the acceptance of japanese imperialist propaganda.
and the worst part about it is that in the ACE ATTORNEY UNIVERSE they CANONICALLY!!! live in japanifornia, a fictional california that has a very high population of japanese people and japanese americans. there is literally NO REASON that phoenix or any of the other characters could be mixed japanese americans with dark skin. there’s no reason to remove their japanese heritage no reason to even say they aren’t asian, they live in america for generations most likely, it makes perfect sense that they could be mixed.
these fake diversity pilled artactivists™️ have no excuses for making phoenix or any other character a racist colorist caricature other than the fact that they have stage 4 racism disease. and this is concerning because i honestly thing the in game ace attorney universe has more issues with colorism than it does with racism (ranting about this has convinced me to make a post about it don’t worry i’ll explain soon) because even though yes there are racist elements in the aa games (soj worst offender) but there are HUGE colorism elements in EVERY AA GAME!! and it has been soaked up by the naturally racist white members of the fandom and instead of addressing it, they simply just make a cute headcanon about it <3
(sorry for ranting about this but!! fun fact, my phone automatically switched to my chinese keyboard the second i opened your ask box lmfao 🤭🤭🤭)
no like literally what is in the water that's making so many ppl think both that asian ppl can't have dark skin and that edgeworth is white. ANF FOR REAL the ace attorney games have an INCREDIBLY notable problem with colorism especially the later games so dark-skinned asian esp desi ppl projecting on phoenix and trucy are braver than any u.s. marine bc there is rarely an in between of woobifying phoenix (trilogy + 5-6) or calling him gross and greasy and smelly (aj) like wgat is the DEAL!!
like colorism is a ridiculous problem everywhere and choosing to flat-out ignore and never address the colorism in the aa games while making the more aggressive, unintelligent, greasy, etc. ambiguously brown or black in art as a white and/or light-skinned person is weird as hell. and if it rubs me the wrong way as a wasian guy w light skin i can't even imagine how fking tiring this is to u. am looking forward to seeing ur post going into this in more depth bc i'm literally just dumbfounded at the fact that people can even do this and post it on the internet.
also my inbox is a free space for ACE ATTORNEY RANTS u r always welcome here this is the "this fanbase is insane" dropbox. and ur chinese keyboard opening was an omen for my friends bullying me for the way i say 空儿 i feel like the chinese joker rn
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boyfriend!bakugou headcannons
before dating
- will start noticing you only after you either,,
A) do something intentionally heroic
B) do something incredibly stubborn/borderline reckless to save someone
-there is no room in his big boy ego brain for anyone who doesn’t possess hero qualities,, soz thats just the way it is
-thats not to say he would only date someone from the hero course tho,, he would 100% take interest in someone from any course
-as long as they’re as dedicated to helping others and giving their 100% to everything they do,, he’d be happy
-would watch you for a long time but would be incredibly obvious about it. he’d try and hide it and be sneaky, but everyone knows. even you.
-when he finally asks you out, there was not a single plan involved. he just saw you alone and decided to man up about it on a whim
-that being said- after he does ask you out, he immeadiately panics about what to do on your first date. que frantic google searching-
top searches from that night include
how do cool guys dress
how to stop blushing
first date ideas that arent romantic
why am i sweating so much
-first date is an utter disaster by traditional standards
-he takes you somewhere with an athletic aspect- like minigolf or laser tag. he pays for you but immeadiately follows it up with “you better actually play and don’t just make me waste my money! its not gonna be fun kicking your ass unless you try, got it?”
-you have fun and can’t stop smiling- but not bc lil katsuki is charming you.
-no, you’re smiling bc he’s embarrassing himself at every turn trying to impress you. at first it’s a little off-putting, but then you realize just how much he cares and it’s kinda cute
-cute in the a dog-chasing-it’s-tail-until-it-gets-dizzy-and-falls-over kinda cute; but adorable nonetheless
-bakugou walks away from the date thinking he crushed it. just absolutely blew it out of the water,, there’s no doubt in his mind even though there 100% should be
early relationship
-incredibly touchy,, but not in like traditional or “cute” ways
-prior to you, bakugou’s only significant feeling was pure rage,, so needless to say he doesn’t know how to handle his sudden urge to touch you all the time
-he’s super nervous about it and doesn’t know if it’s suddenly okay hug and touch you as much as he wants to,, so he resorts to less traditional means of skinship
-so he’ll flick your forehead when you smile just right at him. he’ll pinch your cheeks when you talk too much. he’ll drop his hand flat and heavy over yours while you’re writing,, just so the pencil skitters across the page and you yell at him.
-he’ll push you over. not like a hard shove or anything,, but if he sees you sitting on the ground or squatting, he’ll just sort of push you over??? especially if you’re standing up from a chair,,
-ofc he catches you before you can fall or anything, but really he just uses “saving” you as an excuse to touch you
-he’ll push at you, catch you, and then smirk at you with “god, you’re so clumsy. i won’t always be around to save your sorry ass, you know.”
-it’s annoying so you just push him away and glare, but unfortunately for you, that’s what he wanted the whole time bc he’s a little shit
-that being said,, he’s still suprisingly sweet in even weirder ways
-bakugou’ll make you food. but he’ll never be around when you eat it,, you’ve tried before to eat the meals he cooks for you right after he cooks them, but he gets too embarrassed and finds an excuse to leave right when you’re about to eat the first bite
-he’ll tease you. a lot. about everything. but nobody else can tease you,, if somebody’s embarrassing you, bakugou will either threaten them until they stop talking or make a scene until nobody is paying attention to you anymore
-he’ll leave you little notes. most of them just have little doodles on them with reminders about homework or training, but they’re cute nonetheless
-when he takes you out on dates his hands always crackle when he first sees you. you’ve come to learn that the more dressed up you are, the more his palms will crackle
-normally you have to be the one to initiate any sort of romantic contact,, pls just kiss him already he’s almost always thinking about it but cant find the courage to do so
-when he does kiss or hug you on his own accord,, don’t say anything. he’ll pull away super quick and get all red!!!
established relationship
- suuuper clingy
-, not in the sense that he’s constantly phyiscally all over you,, he just won’t go anywhere with the class if you’re staying back, or will just follow you around the whole day if he’s got nothing else to do
-like,, if the bakusquad is looking for him they’re honestly just better off looking for you since he’s never far behind
-strangely enough, bakugou’s pretty quiet?? if he’s comfortable around you, he’ll stop being so prideful and picking so many arguments.
-his whole badass front at school wears him out,, so if katsuki comes to hang out with you after a long school day he’ll probably want to sit and just listen to you talk
-is a whole ass cat when it comes to physical affection. he normally acts indifferent entirely, but when he wants attention he wants attention
-might as well just drop everything you’re doing since he’s gonna throw you on the bed and just lay directly on top of you until you stop fighting him
-pet his hair super softly and tell him he’s strong and that you’re proud of him pls,, katsuki will cry
-formal dates happen less often now, but you see him more,,, in fact, you’re almost never without him. when he’s not doing school or studying or training katsuki is always where you are
-he’s pretty possessive and jealous- not just of like other guys, but literally anything that’s getting your attention. see examples 1 & 2
1.) ooo new book that has you super enthralled??? soz, it’s not just your book anymore. katsuki sits you on his lap and tells you that the only way he’s gonna let you continue to “waste your time on something so stupid” is if you read it out loud to him
2.) omg you got a new puppy that you’re just enamoured with?? tough, it’s bakugou’s puppy now too,, and he never lets it leave his side so the only way you’re gonna get to cuddle with the puppy is if you cuddle with bakugou too
-he’s super proud of you so he’ll introduce you as his s/o to everyone he meets,,, and if the person he’s talking to also has an s/o??? good lord katsuki would never shut tf up about how much better and stronger and cooler you two were than the other couple
-is not embarrassed about pda. at all. if everyone already knows you’re together than there’s nothing to hide,, he thinks that since he put in all the work to get you to love him than he should be able to reap the rewards,, anywhere. at anytime.
-that being said, he does find showing affection in front of others to be v v embarassing!!! so to combat that he turns it up to 11 and flirts and flusters you so bad so that all the 1A guys just think he’s super cool and manly with u instead of soft
-that being said, the second you guys are alone it’s like a switch has been flipped and you could fluster him only by batting your eyes just right
-insists you ‘cook’ with him. katsuki doesn’t let you do much but like cut up vegetables or stir, but he likes to listen to you talk while he does everything else
-generally pretty touch starved but only really indulges if you make the first move. like, he won’t ever tell you to come sit with him on the couch, but if you sit down?? then immeadiately he’s pulling you into his side and doesn’t let you up until he’s ready to get up as well
-still pokes and flicks and shoves you. also now feels comfortable enough to prank you. he thinks you’re adorable when you get mad enough to yell at him so prepare to be mad a lot.
-tells you he loves you damn near constantly. he wont say it first tho bc ~tsundere~ but after you admitted it first, he’ll say it. and once you know??? then he’s gonna make sure it’s known,,, blasty baby doesnt do anything half-assed esp not something as important as showing his love
-he likes to pick out your clothes for you bc otherwise you’ll walk about looking too cute and its a problem bc he never figured out how to get his hands to stop crackling
-will call you dumbass, idiot, moron, halfwit, klutz, etc in public but in private it’s usually princess or little brat or very rarely baby
#katuski bakugou#mha katsuki#bakugou x y/n#bakugou katsuki#bakugou headcanons#bakugou hcs#bnha#my hero x reader#my hero academia#mha#mha bakugou
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Matchup for @basilisa-scorpii
Hello Coop, you precious ray of sunshine, congrats once again on well-deserved 1000 followers <3 I’ll take the risk and ask for the naughty matchup, haha. Basilisa (short: Bas) here, female, 24, ISTJ, sun Capricorn rising Cancer moon Aries, bisexual with preference for men. Appearance: tall (180cm/5’11), on the chubby side of body type (esp. when it comes to boobs), Greek type of beauty (dark hair and eyes, olivish skin), rather tomboyish with huge love for punk style. Personality: shy and reserved at first, but I easily get attached to people, I have huge tendency to be gloomy, can come across as rude and insensitive for people who don’t know me well, since I don’t really care about social boundaries and I’m very hot headed (but I do my best to restrain myself, so I rarely explode – but when I do, well, things are flying); my personality tends to turn softer when I’m around people who I like or care for tho; I care a lot for my friends, can be overprotective and I’m extremely loyal; I love sarcastic and morbid humor, around the right people I can be goofy and chaotic. And I’m clumsy. Very stupid level of clumsy. The kinky part: I’m the bratty type of sub – the one who likes to be dominated in bed (bondage, restraints, control training, sensory deprivation, spanking, dirty, slight degrading talk etc.) but hates control taking part outside of the bedroom; besides that: anal sex, wax and slight blood play, teasing (both receiving and giving), biting and other forms of slight sexual pain – generally idea of rough sex and fight for control, followed by aftercare is a huge turn on for me. I’m not a switch per se, but I don’t mind switching roles with my partner, especially as a part of fight for domination and teasing. I hope I haven’t written too much info, lmao. Good luck with the event and continue being awesome <3
Basssssss so very honored to do a matchup for you!! Honestly, I had a really hard time choosing between your main match and your first potential suitor…….but I think your main match is just a bit better! Also, since you requested a naughty matchup, that is what I will be primarily focusing on. Hope ya like these!! 😉💕
Your match is…
Zoro (Scorpio, ISTP)
Zoro meets most of your kinks and then some. He likes to feel in control during sex and definitely has a repressed dom side hidden underneath all that dorkiness. He didn’t expect you to be such a sub when he took you to bed considering how hot-headed you can be, but it all made sense once he realized you are in fact a bratty sub. And lemme just say he loves it and is constantly turned on by it. Zoro likes a challenge so he utterly enjoys trying to get you to behave and it makes your sex so so exciting as you two fight for dominance. He wants nothing more than to roll around with you, marking you up, roughing you up a bit, and reminding you who you belong to and who is in charge. Only in the bedroom of course! Zoro would never try to control you outside of the bedroom and that’s what makes the sex so fulfilling. As soon as you two get into bed (or wherever you’ve decided to fuck…) it’s like entering into a whole other dimension, one where you both can embrace your desires. Zoro respects you and cares for you outside of the bedroom, but once you two get down and dirty, he doesn’t hold back on dominating you and roughing you up.
Zoro has impeccable stamina and can keep you up all night with multiple rounds. On the opposite end, Zoro can be pretty lazy and impatient when it comes to sex sometimes. This usually only shows when you two try to incorporate bondage, he doesn’t want to waste his time with intricate binding that’s gonna prove difficult to tie and untie. The most he’ll use is his bandanna, his sash, or maybe a pair of handcuffs if you happen to own any. It’s not that he doesn’t enjoy tying you up because he definitely does, but he’s just a bit impatient and wants to go the easiest route. Just enough to keep you secured! He’ll use the bandanna or sash as a form of sensory deprivation for you as well, blindfolding you while he has his way with you, heightening your senses and bringing you to mind-blowing orgasms time and time again!
He’s utterly obsessed with your body, unable to keep his hands to himself both inside and outside of the bedroom. He can’t decide if he’s a boob or ass guy because frankly, he loves all of you! Whatever he can get his hands on, he’s going to do so. The way you jiggle and squirm underneath him (or on top), he can’t get enough of it. He can’t help but praise you and your sexy figure, proving over and over again that only you turn him on this much and can make him cum so hard. When it comes to your tits, he can’t fight the urge of wanting to fuck them. Mouth, teeth, tongue, hands, dick, he wants all of him all over them. Zoro also loves your ass so spanking is definitely incorporated during sexy times. He gets insanely turned on seeing his large hand prints painted a striking red along your soft, gorgeous ass. It makes him feel oddly proud to see how he marks you up, especially if your ass is still bruised well after sex. Continuing on with the ass love, he was incredibly excited when you offered the idea of anal sex to him. He’s always been a bit curious on the idea of fucking your tight little asshole, so when you gave permission, he was in pure bliss. It’s definitely one of his top kinks now thanks to you.
Zoro wasn’t the best at dirty talk, especially degradation, at first, so you had to be the one to encourage that from him. It proved very fruitful cause Zoro has quite the dirty mouth on him now. Wax play is not something he ever considered before, but he’s grown to actually enjoy it. He’s realized he has a bit of a temperature play kink, especially when he incorporates knife play, which leads to your shared kink of slight blood play. Zoro isn’t much of a tease outside of the bedroom but he can be a bit relentless when he gets you alone. Thankfully, it doesn’t ever last that long because Zoro is a bit impatient and wants to get to pleasuring you asap. But, having you beg for him is something he doesn’t mind entertaining for a while. He finds your teasing incredibly sexy and thinks you’re the best at it in the relationship. When you decide to top him and take control, my oh my is he a sucker for it. Seeing your gorgeous body atop his, riding him and using him for your pleasure, he could lay back and watch that tantalizing sight all day. Unfortunately, he usually gets too excited and doesn’t last long when you do this lol he always blames you of course - you’re just too good at taking him! Basically you two are pretty kinky motherfuckers and you both enjoy exploring your interests together! There’s been some things you didn’t particularly enjoy and some things you’ll never get tired of, the point is that you two have fun and love exploring different kinks with each other. Your sex is plenty rough and playful, leaving you utterly sore, exhausted, and satisfied every single time! Zoro puts his all into fucking you, no matter if you’re being rough or sensual, so unfortunately he doesn’t last long enough for intensive aftercare before he passes out beside you. But, he’ll usually aid in cleaning up and will make sure to fall asleep with you tight in his embrace! Rough Zoro disappears the moment he cuddles up into bed with you, in comes clingy post-sex Zoro. Make sure you go pee before he passes out on you because it is impossible to get him off otherwise!
Other potential suitors:
Kid (Capricorn, ESTP) - Two hot-headed Capricorns? You might not be able to survive each other outside of the bedroom, but he brings you everything you could desire and then some when in the bedroom. He’s a total dom so he never minds taking control of you and he fully embraces your bratty sub behavior. Like Zoro, he appreciates a challenge and loves to put you in your place. He also loves your curvy body and knows how to give it the love it deserves. You share a lot of similar kinks so there’s no need for any excessive exploring during sex. He’s definitely the best at being rough with you but the aftercare is nothing special honestly lmao he doesn’t put much effort into it unless you catch him in a good mood and even then the most he’ll do is throw you a towel and call it a night. He keeps you oh so satisfied and hungry for more during sex, afterwards...don’t get your hopes up. You might need to nag him a bit to make him more considerate during after care and who knows? Maybe you’ll come to find Kid is a total cuddle bear when he wants to be.
Shanks (Pisces, ENFJ) - Very similar to Zoro and Kid in all of the best ways. You share some of the same kinks and Shanks is very intrigued and turned on by your bratty sub tendencies. He is a relentless tease both inside and outside the bedroom leaving you absolutely weak for him 24/7. He’d of course never try to control you outside of the bedroom, as with Zoro when you two have sex, you’re transported to another world. Shanks doesn’t mind taking over and domming you and he’s hella good at it. He can be rough when he wants, especially if you beg for it, and he’s insanely skilled at dirty talk. He loves your body and loves to mark it up even more. Post-sex cuddles are also a must with this man, especially with you because he is a sucker for you, and he knows you enjoy it. Shanks has all the experience to offer you in order to keep you utterly satisfied and coming back for more!
O-Kiku (ISFP) - Okay hear me out, she’s a total softie but it’s always the innocent ones that have the kinkiest sides right?? We’ve seen her more “sadistic” sides come out a few times. Not to mention O-Kiku is more than twice your size so domming you is easy peasy to her. She might not always be the roughest, but she knows how to tease you and leave you begging for her. You share enough similar kinks to get along well in the bedroom. If she is ever particularly rough with you, you know you’re gonna be getting the best aftercare you’ve ever experienced in your life. She loves you and she never really intends to hurt you (even if you beg for it) so she will always make up for all the markings on you and any “harsh” words she’s said. Literally the best after care comes from her!
#doctorgerth#one piece#one piece matchup#op matchup#matchup#ns.fw matchup#1000 follower event#matchup event#follower event#ns.fw#filth#sinful#feminist-zoro#basilisa-scorpii#submission
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Joy To The World, 1, 4 and 5!
Hoo boy, so many questions!!! I hope you’re prepared for the deluge that’s gonna result...~ I’ll answer these tonight and finish the ones in the other messages tomorrow morning!
1. What inspired you to write the fic this way?
So. Over the last five or so years I’ve been writing fic, in all but the second year, I’ve written a special Christmas-related fic for Christmas. (And I did two the first year, so.) Christmas is a really important holiday to me and I really love Christmas-related stuff (the cheesier and sillier the better), so it became kind of a tradition. But this year, I was at a little bit of a loss. I knew I wanted to write Lams, because that’s my big thing right now. But how would I write Christmas Lams? Did they even properly ‘celebrate’ Christmas during that time period?? Or should I just go for an AU?
I researched it, and thankfully it turns out that the 18th century is around when people did start to celebrate Christmas in the modern sense (and it’s also when carols really started to come about, which is great because per tradition all my Christmas fic are titled after a carol), but that was just the beginning of the issue. When exactly would it be set? Valley Forge? But, uh... I highly doubted they would be really doing all that much at that point. But I couldn’t really think of any time outside of Lams AU that they’d be together. (And then I found out afterwards that Ham wasn’t even there for Christmas 1777, so, welp.) And I really couldn’t think of any kind of actual plot. I could have done a kind of meditation on their relationships to religion, but I didn’t know that much about which specific form of Christianity they belonged to, and I thought it was something that could be and HAD been done much better by other people. (Plus that’s not really my fave kind of fic to write to begin with.)
So, it wasn’t really working out that well. But still, I really kept trying. Through November, my working plan became almost set in stone: I’d do a combined historical and modern AU fic, switching back and forth between scenes, comparing themes (supply lists in VF compared with finding money for food over Christmas break in modern AU), sorta casually looking at the differences. When I gave it up, it was partly out of lack of interest in the themes, but my conscious reason was ‘I just don’t really care about modern AU Lams.’
...which came to the crux of the problem all along: I’m not really an AU person. Or rather, I’m very not an AU person. I’ve written very few AUs in my time, and almost all of them were historical AUs - certainly not modern day ones, and definitely not school AUs. I don’t have any, like, moral opposition - I can fully appreciate the transformative potential of full-setting AUs and find very interesting the interdependent communities that develop around AU-heavy fandoms as they essentially create their own accepted canons - but I just...don’t tend to like them. I’m very analytical!! The idea of just...MAKING UP not just one character or setting but basically a whole story just always seemed simultaneously too easy and too hard to me!!! Plus, I like to write really interesting and unusual things and try new styles, and one of the most basic points of interests for me in writing is asking what makes these characters and relationships unique, based on their precise personalities and backstories and combinations of traits. None of that lends well to full-setting AUs.
But. As I was mulling this terrible problem over, as usual, I was also running over in my head all kinds of various different characterisation ideas. This time, I was thinking about how it was interesting that Hamilton always seemed to be written in opposition to Henry Laurens, when IRL it seems they had a pretty decent acquaintanceship. And I was thinking about it, and I really started to think that, actually, someone in Hamilton’s point of view - who was constantly abandoned by his father, and desperate for his attention, and incredibly ambitious despite the circumstances of his birth - would be one of the WORST people to understand that an overly-controlling, overly-interested father who expects extremely highly of his son could be a negative influence. Which also added to another thought I’d been having. I always liked one quote from Chernow, that Laurens must have seen in Hamilton what a man who makes himself can do, and it always made me think that Hamilton must have been the same way - that he must have seen in Laurens the man he had always aimed to be. So, Laurens grew up in a good family, acknowledged and promoted by said family, with plenty of money and a great deal of opportunity. To Hamilton... yeah, it’d definitely be hard for him to see the problems with that. (And, you know, there IS a lot of privilege there!! It’s just, y’know, that mental illness doesn’t always listen to that.) But, those thoughts were kinda moot, because I really couldn’t think of any way to contrast these different experiences with fathers in historical verse.
And that’s when it came to me. What if I did a modern AU where Hamilton came down to visit the Laurens family for Christmas?
I didn’t have the time (or, really, the interest) to develop a full-on world for everyone, and a uni AU just seemed to be the most appropriate for this one, anyway. And it also did have a bit of appeal: it always kinda bugged me that in the AUs I read, Hamilton and Laurens never seemed to be studying law, even though that’s historically what they did do. As a law grad, I figured I might as well be the one to write it. (Though law in Australia is p different from in the US - there’s no separate law school, we just study it straight out of high school like anything else - but whatever.) And once I was doing THAT, it was hard for me to escape the fact that, in the real world, studying law hadn’t...exactly always been the best experience for me. Given that Laurens didn’t really want to study it either, it seemed appropriate to lean on those experiences a bit.
Aaand that’s where we really get to the meat of the inspiration behind it, heh. Which is to say: this is possibly the most autobiographical thing I’ve ever written...? I’ll say outright that a lot of it WAS entirely invented - my relationship with my family is nothing like John’s was in this, at all. But my anxieties over studying, and my worries about the future and what a career in law would lead to... yeah, that came from me haha. Because, to get kind of personal about it... well, I graduated July 2015. And in the time since then, I have been employed for about 2.5? months, total. The job scene here, in general and especially for law grads, is just that bad. (And, uh, there was a fair bit of personal fault in my lack of preparation for after I’d graduate? But, seriously, I was really anxious already...) And ever since then - particularly 2016 to the present - I’ve also had a lot of anxiety and depression and stuff going on. At the time I wrote the fic, it was in a position of leaning worse rather than better. So...I honestly don’t know if there was ever, like, a dispassionate fic in there safely cordoned off from my own projections, but if there was, it didn’t last long.
So, I got the idea, and wrote it all up pretty quickly in early December, just kinda ridin’ that catharsis of getting all that stuff out. (And it turned out to be even more relevant than I thought, as ‘trying to enjoy Christmas like you usually do when you’re really not happy’ also ended up a very autobiographical theme.) And that’s how it happened!
As for one or two other things:
I really really didn’t wanna get too into politics in the fic lmao. I don’t feel comfortable with more than the broadest strokes of Hamilton’s beliefs (I’m gonna GET THERE but Im still well rev-verse in Chernow) and I always feel uncomfortable about portraying historical figure in any better light than they deserve when it comes to specific matters. But I also wanted to have Laurens and Hamilton at least as POC because I also think it’s important to increase racial diversity in fanfic in the rare cases that we really get a clear choice. So, I tried to kinda portray that without really getting detailed about any activist stuff or whatever. Which is why in Ham’s argument with Henry he’s really not siding with anyone, he’s just an economics wonk who gets mad when people on both sides of the political aisle don’t make sure their numbers add up, lol. That was my best compromise. (And Philly kinda nudged me when I still got too far off-course;; haha!)
Hamilton has ADHD because: again, I wanted to actually officially write up neurodivergent characters into fic when I had the option of being specific (my Ham is always neurodivergent but obv I can’t explicitly write that into the text of historical verse), and it’s ADHD because......well, I could write a really long thing about that alone lmfao. And I feel like I kind of should in some ways because I know that a lot of people aren’t rly familiar with how ADHD tends to actually, like, feel, for real-life people, and if you aren’t then I KNOW this must sound like a really arbitrary or misguided HC. And I’d really love to write it up and expand education and all, but. It’s also something that hits really close and personal for me and, as someone who can be anxious for days straight over opening entirely innocuous tumblr messages... I just DK I could do it, atm;;;;; Someday I will though, I hope!!! (Tho I will say that I’m totally for all neurodivergent Ham HCs and that honestly my Classic Ham is also influenced by BD and BPD things so I’m p flexible about it.) (Actually I guess I CAN say that my HCs for Ham all involve disorders with extreme moods and mood swings and stuff and ADHD in its lesser known symptoms can absolutely include that, esp with Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria, so yeah. That’s basically the large part of my reason for that headcanon right there lol.)
4. What's your favorite line of dialogue?
HM OH MAN, I’m not sure!!! Lemme skim it again real quick.
In terms of sheer characterisation efficiency, I always liked the idea of Henry Laurens’ introductory sentence being to complain about John not calling often enough. It’s just such a perfect combination of a) genuinely cares about his son and wants to hear from him, and b) is an asshole who has no idea whatsoever of the pressure he’s putting on his son without offering any concurrent praise or reassurance.
...so yeah I think I’ll leave it at that actually, since this thing is long enough already lol.
5. What part was hardest to write?
I was sitting here trying hard to remember if I really had trouble writing any part of the draft because there was one bit where I stalled briefly but it wasn’t really that bad and I couldn’t even really remember it and apart from that it was super smooth...until I remembered that editing counts as writing. And hoo fucking boy.
I was lucky enough to be able to have my fic beta-ed by Philly! Which I’m super grateful for and the fic is undoubtedly better for it! But it was a really difficult process for me because of my anxiety. And I needed to do it rather quickly, because of course I had to have it finished before Christmas, and my family actually was going away for Christmas where we wouldn’t have internet access.
So I get through almost all of the fic. It’s finally almost done. And then right at the end there’s a bit where Alex and John quickly exchange gifts on Christmas morning. Super short scene. And Philly pointed out that, actually, wouldn’t the rest of the family be taken-aback at them exchanging gifts without them?
And I kind of read that and sat back and. that was right. That was 100% correct. So like. What do I do??? Do I involve the other characters? But the original scene was like, three lines. and I don’t wanna have to write a whole new scene lmao. Do I take it out? But in a earlier scene, I’d had John express a worry that the present he’d gotten for Alex was awful and he really regretted it, and I kinda liked that in this final scene we see that actually he’d just forgotten WHY he’d bought it (he’d remembered Alex saying something about it), and I thought that was a nice thing about how anxiety can really fuck with even your memory and stuff bc in the end there genuinely was no reason to worry. It wasn’t necessary to the fic, but it only came about in the writing - I’m pretty sure the outline was just like ‘and then they exchange gifts or somethign??? IDK’ - and I didn’t want to get rid of it again. But then how do I justify them exchanging gifts alone???
And so that’s how I ended up just sitting there mournfully or pacing back and forth like p LEASE just SAVE ME, just GIVE ME AN OPTION, I have a HOLIDAY TO PACK FOR and THINGS TO DO and I just want this damn fic to be EDITED and DONE ALREADY. I came up with soo many possibilities, none of which satisfied me,lmao. and eventually after wayyyyyy too long of trying to figure it out I settled on something that seemed mostly plausible and then just. wrote it in and skimmed the rest of the fic and posted it lmao.
Which, honestly, is pretty typical proceedings. I tend to have the general ideas come pretty easily to me, and the actual writing is normally pretty smooth - it’s usually the editing where I start rocking back and forth and cursing myself for ever trying to write :’) (Luckily, at that point I’m close enough to the end that I can usually force it through...!!)
#elysianmars#long post#my fanfiction#I...think about things... a lot..............#I got a lot to say okay................................
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