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burgercheese1812 · 11 months

Text

SPOILERS!!!!!!!

Read at your own risk!

My emotions/thoughts through painted devils, because I just finished that shit and holy jamole-

(This took me days to write help 💀)

The seventh lie: (yes it has to be in sections or no one will be able to follow it, not even myself)

YES IT HAS FINALLY ARRIVED

OOOO THE COVER JUST *chefs kiss*

NO DAMMIT VANJA GO BACK

DAMMIT VANJA

Don’t scam the people, don’t scam the people- of course she did.

Hm making up a story about a god, yes this seems completely sane and won’t have future repercussions.

*fast forwards two months* Dammit Vanja.

Don’t go into the barn. DON’T GO INTO THE BARN- of course.

EMERIC!! YAY!

oh… Emeric… 😐

awkward.

YES I’VE MISSED THIER BANTER!!!

*sheep third wheeling is a vibe*

*Enter ScarMad*

Hi, yes hello, what do you mean you cLaiMeD mY bOy eMeRiC?? 😃

*Emeric proceeds to be high-fived in the chest, with red permanent marker*

*Enter PrOcToR KiRkLiNg* p.s: I already hate her.

I hope Vanja cuts KiRkLiNg down a few pegs. Ok a lot of pegs.

Who is Helga and where did she come from? *proceeds to knock KiRkLiNg down a few pegs* I like her.

THE RYE ROLL SCENE IS EVERYTHING 🤌 SASSY HELGA MY BELOVED

#wish I could have seen KiRkLiNg standing on that bridge looking like a shocked fish as her lunch falls into the river

Oh how I wish I could go on a lovely date with my significant other to see murals of human sacrifices that may or may not soon involve them. Oh to be in love.

Ah yes Vanja, because I’m sure just screaming in a cave is going to summon- god dammit it ScarMad.

HA VIRGIN (I can’t say anything)

wait hang on so ScarMad claims people who haven’t… done it yet? Or have no intention of ever doing it? That smells a tad… *sniffs the air* Acephobic.

#cancel the Acephob ScarMad 2023 #acerights

“Human measuring stick I’m inexplicably fond of” I’m sure Emeric loves you to Vanja

Ah yes let’s all just casually stroll up to the other 5 brother and ask for them to participate in a BLOOD SACRIFICE that will go down swimmingly I’m sure!

GIVE EMERIC SOME SHEET VANJA HE’S COLD GOD DAMMIT!

*un- PG 13 -ifies your Vaneric*

PLEASE NOT THE PREGNANCY TROPE- oh ok.

Love Helga being a big sister figure in Vanja’s life. (What the poor naive dingbat did not know is that this is what we call ✨foreshadowing✨)

penis.

Great now I’m going to spend the next week wondering how the hell to pronounce blesséd

Of course KiRkLiNg has to come as well

I love Vikram with all my heart.

GHOSTBUSTERS!

WhAt dO yOu mEaN yOu dOn’T HaVe gOdMoThEr’S????

Of course Vanja drunkenly yelled at one of the brothers

The sixth lie:

Vanja throws horseshit at Emeric, off to a great start 😃👍

Wouldn’t be a book with Vanja without some good ol’ Vanja fashion robbery

Cue the Robin Hood montage

Emeric is loving this.

GHOSTBUSTERS! Pt.2

Never seen the movie but I’m 95% sure this is how Annabelle started

Didn’t always have rails- OHS ‘bout to have a field day☝️😃

SISTER??????

BUM BUM BAAAAAAAAAAAAA

The fifth lie:

IRMGARD WHAT THE HELL??

I’M READY TO THROW HANDS WITH THIS GIRL WHAT THE ACTUAL-

Oh right sister.

Ok let’s leave the absolute HORRORS of Vanja’s back scars and go back to this cliffhanger. Starting with:

WHAT THE FU-

Oh she’s just crazy ok. *mightily suspicious*

I will admit I was fully sucked in by the ant proverb-

Great the cult has followed them

The fourth lie:

Ah… brothels…

JUSTICE FOR AGNETHE!!

“The worst mistake of your life wasn’t upsetting me. It was starting a fight with her” SLAY EMERIC YOU TELL MEAN OLD MOTHER HUBBARD

Emeric has… questions…. 👀

Wish i could solve my problems with a giant ruby

Bath. I will elaborate no further.

THE SCARS!! THIS SCENE MADE ME SOB OF COURSE YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL VANJA 😭

Normal people: “i think I love them.” VANJA THE RIZZLER SCHMIDT (Ros) :“If every star were a reason I care for him—that’s how I feel, like I carry too many stars in me to count, like my skin might burst with the enormity of it all, like if I gather them all up, the only name I could give this is love.”

Thank you very much for teaching me to waltz whilst also teaching me organised crime

*gets called ugly in front of her sole mate* Vanja: dead bugs for you

JSDJDJEHFHDUSUDUEHDFBRHCUSHDBF SHE IS THEIR SISTER HOW DARE YOU DANGLE THAT PLOT POINT IN FRONT OF MY FACE ONLY TO TRICK ME AND THEN CHUCK THAT EMOTIONAL DUMP-TRUCK ON ME, YOU @what-eats-owls ARE MAGNIFICENT PLEASE CONTINUE

The third lie:

Excuse me?

Dead? HER MOTHER IS DEAD? 😃

Ozkar: tells Vanja her mother is dead, also Okzar: ew don’t be sad yucky

HER RIBBON?? THAT CLEARLY IS IMPORTANT TO HER?? I NEED TO PUT ON MY DOUBLE SEEING GLASSES 😳 👓🤏JUST TO SEE THROUGH THIS ABSOLUTE BULLSHI-

Ozkar gets worst brother of the year award. Change my mind, oh wait you can’t.

Love that Emeric can just immediately finds Vanja BEST BOYFRIEND

YES EMERIC’S FAMILY

Emeric talking loveingly about his family is giving both Vanja AND me life

NO NO GET OUT IF EMERIC YOU RUDE OLD HAG HE’S CLEARLY TAKEN

LET GO OF VANJA!!!!

NOT THE ANGST—THE ANGST 😭 DAMN YOU, YOU GLOWY RED BIATCH AND ALGEBRA OR WHAT EVER YOUR DAMN NAME IS FOR GIVING VANJA THIS TRAUMA (Adalbrecht but I can’t spell)

Manacles? 🤨📸

EMERIC WANTS TO KEEP VANJA SAFE FROM HIM 😭 GET YOURSELF A PERSON WITH THIS LEVEL OF DEDICATION

honestly if my future partner doesn’t take paralysis pills when they’re possessed by an evil old glowy witch thing then I don’t want ‘em ✋🙄

THIS CRUSTY DUSTY ASS CRIMSON BIATCH HAS BLOCKED VANJA FROM SEEING HER GOD MOTHERS? This lady better be burnt at the stake and hung drawn and quartered when this is over or I swear to whatever is above that I will cross universes and do it myself.

Of course Vanja’s brother has been taken by an immortal sky women because, well because this was all just a tad too easy

The Imperial Abbey if Truth sounds like the most aesthetically pleasing place and goodness I want SO badly to go there now-

YES DEATH AND FORTUNE YAY!!!!

ScarMad clearly has to go back to preschool BECAUSE SHE HASNT HAD THE PERSONAL SPACE TALK YET, GET OUT OF MY BOY-

Cool. Emeric sleepy = no witchy

That was meant to rhyme :/

My poems aren’t as good as Emeric’s

Also. EMERIC HAS POEMS??? PLEASE SHOW ME I MUST SEE 👹👹

Part 3:

THE ABBESS HAS CANDLES ON HER HEAD? She is so cool what the-

AND SHE’S ONLY A SIDE CHARACTER?

Girlboss fr

ScarMad the fabricated low gOd is in fact not a low god and is instead an… old wheat spirit thing?

Emeric really hates horses part 34

Alone? Vanja was alone at the end? I swear to all that is everything EMERIC BETTER NOT DIE-

Math crimes. (I shall be using all those jokes in the foreseeable future)

Emeric needs to be invited to do some money laundering STAT.

AWWW SIBLING MOMENT

this book really is just an emotional roller coaster, except every once in a while they chuck water on you when you least expect it, just to add to the fun emotional experience.

Cue a lot of legal talk that went right over my head

HAHAHAHA SHE GOT ARRESTED HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA-

YES AND THE GREEN HAND GETS THE uh, BUILDING AND JONIZA AND THEIR DAD GOT THE MONEY AND-

and now Vanja has to go get her brother from the sky lady

The second lie:

RAGNE

RAGNERAGNERAGNERAGNEGRANGE-

I’msohappythatmyfavouritelittleshapshifterisback

Can you tell I love Ragne?

VANJA’S GOING TO RIDE RAGNE

like… a horse…

WITH WINGS???

on the feet…?

I swear everytime I think Ragne couldn’t get any cooler SHE BLOODY GETS COOLER-

Sky lady.

I love sky lady.

There are so many cool characters in this book I just- AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The Race! WHO SHALL WIN???

DAMN IT SCARMAD PISS OFF-

A tie? Nice 😎

Vanja has to ride with the Hunt for two weeks? Ok coolcoolcool definitely can’t see this going wrong in the foreseeable future-

She didn’t tell Emeric. 😐

VANJA’S GONNA MET HER FAMILY

And yet another scene that almost made me cry

SHE HAS SO MUCH FAMILY?

THE WEDDING

I love Vanja and her sisters bonding through dressing her up

OMG EMERIC SEEING VANJA ALL DRESSED UP WITH MAKE-UP I- 😭😭😭

Jeezus crickey can ScarMad leave Vanja alone FOR FIVE BLOODY MINUTES??

“What is wrong with you, why are you red??”

the first lie:

Love that Vanja’s whole family just drops everything to help her 😭

I’ve done and am I currently doing a lot of crying and I’m not even at the end yet?

KiRkLiNg is being… tolerable? Perhaps I was wrong about her. Maybe I judged her to quickly? (Later I regretted ever thinking these words)

GHOSTBUSTERS! Pt.3

NO RAGNE

And today on Vanja’s list of low gods to befriend is moss lady

the goat scene. I will now go have nightmares now thank you very much.

JUST LEAVE THEM ALONE ! STOP TELEPORTING THEM

she won’t let them up the bridge. she won’t let them get the anchor.

I have since fallen off the edge of my seat and am lying on the floor reading as fast as I possibly can

Ah yes, the only sane option, jump off the bridge into the jaws of a hellhound 👏👏

Emeric really is ride or die huh

THEY- NO. ON THE RIVER BANK?????

SCANDALOUS!!!!!

…

I take it back please Emeric is just the ride NOT THE DIE I REPEAT PLEASE NOT THE DIE

GIVE HIM BACK YOU INSUFFERABLE RED CANDLESTICK

I am crying with Vanja

HELL YES BRUNNE LETS GOOOOOOOOO

YES GIRLBOSS IS BACK ON HER FEET GO GO GO

The actual red maiden was just sitting in a cave CRYING THIS WHOLE TIME? I say, whilst sitting in my dark room after sobbing through most of this book

YES THE FINAL ASSAULT PUT SCARMAD IN HER PLACE

…

what in. the frick frack diddly dack, fuggle nuggles bloody HELL DID SHE JUST SAY???

MARTHE???

HER.

MOTHER????????

HER MOTHER????????

YOU’RE TELLING ME. THAT HER MOTHER. ORCHESTRATED ALL OF THIS. JUST BECAUSE VANJA WAS GOING TO BE HAPPY??????

SHE’S READY TO SACRIFICE HER WHOLE FAMILY?????

911 child protection services?

Just Marthe dangling Emeric over a hungry hell hound ready to drop him in, Mother in laws am I right?

Gonna buy therapy for Vanja, Emeric, (Marthe can rot) and then myself.

HAHAHAHAHAHAAH GO DEATH GO FORTUNE THE TRUE PARENTS MUAHAHHAAHAHAHAHA

this all brings me great satisfaction.

BACK INTO THE LATERN AND STRAIGHT INTO THE HELLHOUNDS MOUTH HA

SLAAAAAAAAAAAAY 💅(literally)

Ooooooo yeah 😬 makes sense that the town would lowkey hate Vanja

They get to have a dance 🥺🥺 (one that isn’t threaten by a glowing red demon mother)

Oh. 😳

HELL YEAH!!!!!!!!

Slay they deserve that.

Water break before the end 🥲

Take back EVERYTHING that I rethought about KiRkLiNg, girl still a baitch

Ofc KiRkLiNg would still want Vanja gone WHAT DID I EVEN THINK-

Vanja.

No.

No Vanja. Don’t do that.

DON’T THINK LIKE THAT VANJA

GOD DAMN IT VANJA STOP

PLEASE SAY HE HEARD THAT, EMERIC HEARD IT BEFORE HE FELL UNCONSCIOUS PLEASE

EMERIC SHE LOVES YOU SHE SAID IT!

VANJA NO

KIRKLING DAMN YOU!

SHE HATES EMERIC??????

WAIT WOAH HOLD UP KIRKLING HATES EMERIC??

VANJA STOP NO!

BRUNNE NO!

…

Screaming crying throwing up.

After the book i just lay on my bed clutching the book sobbing. Then i stopped sobbing and just lay there.

Truely a magnificent book and even this happens to pop up on your fyp and you read all the way down here then:

READ THE BLOODY BOOK! GO! RIGHT NOW! BUY IT! READ IT!

Gonna go reread it myself, I just love crying my eyes out 😗✌️, no but really the book is just amazing and I wish I could read it for the first time again. Thank you so much @what-eats-owls you are truly a magnificent writer and I cannot WAIT for book 3, thank you so much.

#painted devils #little thieves #little thieves meme #painted devils book #vanja schmidt #Emeric #ragne #lgbt books #books and reading #demisexual #demiromantic #aroace

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