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thelovelyghostwriter · 3 years

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Some of my favourite female characters in fiction

This list is not exhaustive and while I do have other characters that I find charming and that I love, I have noted these characters because in my opinion, they have struggled and/or there is a certain analysis to their personalities.

Please take note that some of the characters are not morally good or have done questionable actions. This is not to discuss or say they are role models, but rather to write up what they represented, their role in the story or simply their personalities. I’m not here to justify the character’s actions.

Remember that a well-written characters do not have to be morally good.

Also, a lot of them are from memory and the analysis aren’t well-structured.

Let’s dive in:

1. Daisy Buchanan from The Great Gatsby

Daisy, in my opinion, is incredibly misunderstood and unjustifiably hated among the readers. Her betrayal to Gatsby is indeed vile and it did upset me, I definitely think that she is materialistic, shallow and hurtful.

“I hope she’ll be a fool—that’s the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.”

Daisy did shit on Gatsby [trying to avoid spoilers here].

However, I do like to note that I think part of her materialism and shallowness is because of how women were in the 1920s. They did not have any freedom or agency. To Tom, she seems to be a trophy wife for him to keep; and to Gatsby, he only liked the idea of her, he wasn’t in love with her. To everyone around her, she was an item, a beautiful doll to be possessed, rather than a person. I think that’s why she turned out like that.

She's materialistic because men around her sees her as an object. Nonetheless, Daisy is still “careless” and hurtful; and I think this stemmed from the life she had led that were a compilation of choices that were made for her. Her betrayal towards Gatsby is what makes her character rather disappointing to most readers. The whiteness in her dress as described in her first appearance? It’s not innocence, but rather a void and jadedness.

2. Neon Nostrade from Hunter x Hunter

Yet, another girl in our list that loves to be hated by the fandom. Though honestly, most of her haters are Chrollo and Kurapika stans who gets jealous because Chrollo got to hang out with her and Kurapika works under her. Also her repulsive hobby - although this is actually what makes me like her.

I have addressed this in my other posts before, but let me just copy and paste them (and modify a bit): Her upbringing and exploitation by her dad makes her materialistic and emotionally detached. This materialism and detachment is manifested in the form of her hobby as a dead body parts collector. But other than that, she’s really a normal girl, just sheltered and spoilt. The money she spends are even from her talent Lovely Ghostwriter, her father will be nothing without her. So I don’t see an issue with her spending them on shopping etc.

In fact, I would argue that she bathes in materialism to fill the emptiness that she has. Her father is more concerned with her ability and power, she has no friends and is guarded 24/7 by employees.

All the times she threw tantrums and the way she talks… it’s a different speech pattern altogether when she interacts with Chrollo - which may suggest that the whole spoilt attitude is exaggerated to gain attention from a father who is indulgent in terms of material gifts, but not in terms of affection and time for her.

When Eliza cried, she was willing to forgo bidding the auction physically. Yes she did not care about the bodyguards because she is more focused on the living and the present (Eliza) than the dead.

The reason why she didn’t seem fazed when Dalzollene and the others died is because a) they were her bodyguards, it’s their job to put their life on the line to protect her, b) she mentioned to Chrollo that her fortune-telling is for the living, she likes to live in the present and doesn’t believe in the afterlife.

Neon is more focused on who is alive, rather than the dead (which also represented by her hobby of dead body parts collecting). She focuses on the present, unlike her clients who likes to know their future or people who dwell in the past. Kurapika on the other hand, is the complete opposite. He dwells on the past and likes to focus on his dead clan rather than the present times with his friends (which is completely understandable).

Another significance is that her fortune-telling ability is very useful and helpful, she says that she wanted to make people happy with it; but however, it is commercialized and used as a means of power (knowledge of the future = power) by her father and pretty much everyone around her. Just like how she objectifies dead people by collecting their parts, the people around her sees her as a tool due to her fortune-telling abilities, rather than see her as a person. Even Kurapika chose to get employed under her, for his own agenda (he is bound to meet dead body parts collectors at some point).

She treats people like objects because people see her as one.

Of course, collecting dead body parts is a pretty fucked hobby; but what she represents and her role as a minor character is what makes her an outstanding minor female character in the show.

Yes. She has traits that are not your typical role model, but neither are other hxh characters. She’s not independent, naive, can’t fight, in need of saving, uncaring at times and spoilt. She is far from so-called “strong female character” that we often look up to. She is a character with bad traits which is a result of being a victim. But that’s what makes me love her as a character in hxh. It reminds us that there are girls out there who has lack of freedom and control over their own fate; and their only way out is through materialism and detaching themselves from people.

In fact, she might be even relateable to some people more than other female characters because there is vulnerability in her character.

3. Hua Mulan (Mostly the Chinese 2009 film, though the most well-known is the Disney 1998 animated film)

There has been various adaptations for this character, with the Disney Animated version being the most prominent.

However, my favourite one is definitely the Chinese film Hua Mulan: Rise of A Warrior (2009). It portrays the horrors of war and the suffering it brings, nationalism, camaraderie among the army - all while giving us the admirable Mulan climbing up to the ranks of being a war general.

I highly recommend this adaptation. I know the Disney Live Action 2020 version did not receive good reception, and we honestly did not need one because this 2009 Chinese film does the job well (I like their soundtrack though). It's not really well-known because it's a Chinese film (which is hella ironic because Hua Mulan is a Chinese character? Lmao).

"Today we will stain the battlefield with our blood. Behind us is our homeland. If we have to bleed out our last drop of blood, if we have to become bleached bones in this desert, we must defend it to the death! We must let the Rourans know we Wei warriors will never surrender and will never compromise! Soldiers may rebel against me, generals may leave me for dead, but I, Hua Mulan, will never betray my country!"

Generally, I either have an issue with strong female characters because they are just shallow (meaning they are only physically strong, often viewing rudeness, misandry and independence as strength). I like female characters who are so much more to that.

Mulan, in this film, not only showed her badassery in fighting the war for more than a decade, but we also see how much she struggled. Everytime her comrades die, her heart gets broken. Yet she has to learn how to pick herself up and become the leader that they need. She dislikes war, she dislikes the bloodshed; yet she fights for her country.

To me, a strong female character is not just a feminist icon or someone who can fight. In fact, a female character doesn't need to be someone capable of fighting, what makes her strong is to be able to overcome turbulence with determination.

I think this is something that is lacking in recent "strong female characters" - showing us their strength through perseverance.

As for the Disney's counterpart (talking about the 1998 film here), it is less morbid but we also see her trying her best to make her family proud and protect her country. Like the song Reflection and Loyal, Brave and True, she struggles with finding her purpose and her role in her family.

"The greatest gift of honour, is having you for a daughter."

4. Blanche Dubois from A Streetcar Named Desire

It's been years since I had analysed Blanche, but among all the 6 books that I had to study for English Literature, A Streetcar Named Desire has been my absolute favourite.

I think what struck me in this book is not just the style, but Blanche's vulnerability. Her actions are definitely not morally good: she misrepresents things, she lies, she even had sex with an underage student. She's paranoid, mentally unstable and prissy. Which was why, her polar opposite character, Stanley, is so annoyed with her.

After her husband's suicide, we see Blanche relying on the company of men to fill the void of her loneliness and misery. She is also concerned about her beauty fading with age - I find that highly reliable. It sounds incredibly "vain", but beauty does play a part.

Based on Evolutionary and Mating Theories among humans, appearance in women are especially important (also for men but not as much as women). Of course, there are other factors and traits that people find attractive, but Blanche's concern is valid here. She needs to find a husband to escape from her financial troubles; and her age, beauty and chastity plays a huge factor in her search for getting a man in the setting she was in (which was Mitch in this case). Ironically, these are the very traits that she has "lost" and so desperately tries to hide it.

Her ending is truly a devastating and upsetting one. [Will not talk about it due to spoilers]

"I've always depended on the kindness of strangers."

5. Haibara Ai/Shiho Miyano from Detective Conan

Perhaps one of the girls that is a wasted potential. In a series where the characters are mostly flat, she's arguably the most multi-faceted (but somehow I had heard that she no longer has the same complexity as she used to have - it's been a while since I followed this series).

But I remember absolutely loving this character.

Her background story is really unique in the show and one that is embedded within the Black Organisation plotline (why her character was dropped... Forever frustrating for me).

From the moment she was first introduced, we see Conan taking an immediate distrust towards her. A guy who is a detective who had been catching criminals - yet one ex-syndicate member stands before him. The one that actually helped to develop the APTX4869 that changed his life.

Yet, we see that it wasn't entirely within her control. Both her parents were syndicate members and when her sister tries to get both of them to leave, her sister dies.

Ai starts off as seemingly cold, pessimistic and avoidant. But as her arc goes on, the iceberg around her melts. We see her quirky sarcastic replies, her taste for fashion and she genuinely desires to be happy. Her relationship with Conan developed into a beautiful one - to the point where Conan trusts her with anything and they would risk their lives for one another.

Yet, we also empathies with her impending jealousy and heartache. The boy she has fallen for already has someone else. What's more, the girl is genuinely kind and is a splitting image of her sister. After Ran saved her from Vermouth, she quickly warms up to Ran as well.

She's also the key to developing the antidote for Shinichi to be back with Ran - an almost painful metaphor for her to give him away (he never belonged to her in the first place). Yet, she doesn't really stop them from being together (even though in some cases she appears jealous or phrase ShinRan's reunion as a word of caution).

I definitely think she is the most compelling character in Detective Conan because of her character development and the struggles she faces. It's definitely upsetting that her character has been neglected.

“Don’t judge people from the outside. Like any rose has thorns, the more the person appears nice on the outside, the more you should doubt the inside.”

6. Misato Katsuragi from Neon Genesis Evangelion

Who is the best female character in Eva? Asuka or Rei? My answer will always be Misato, Risato is a close second (I wanted to analyse Risato, but I’m trying to keep it to one person per series). Misato is one of the 90s anime babes. She definitely captivated many people’s heart.

I must say though, I have a soft spot towards female characters who has some sort of daddy issues (why I like Neon Nostrade). It’s been a while since I had watched Eva, but I’m going to try to remember why I like her.

I think the concept of Hedgehog’s Dilemma has been echoed throughout the series, and all the characters seem to struggle with emotional attachment towards people. I actually like to phrase the Hedgehog Dilemma as “Avoidant-Fearful Attachment Style” - wanting connection with people, yet not being able to do so out of fear of being hurt.

For Misato, when I initially first watched Eva, I compared her a little to Blanche Dubois in how they cope with loneliness - their sexuality. I remember being confused with her interactions with Shinji, who was half her age. At times, she serves as his guardian/mother figure; but at some moments (I think it was sometimes after Kaji’s death), she tried to seek comfort with Shinji by attempting to initiate sex (which Shinji rejects). I remember coming across a comment somewhere that Shinji and Misato’s relationship is somewhat like Humbert and Dolores (from Lolita) - can’t comment on this as I only read the first chapter of the book.

It makes me think that she uses sex as a way to cope and the only way she can connect with people (and it’s superficial), which doesn’t work for Shinji because she needs to be her guardian (and ultimately fails to be purely his guardian once she crossed that no-no boundary).

Another thing to note was her backstory about her dad. There seems to be a dissonance, given that she resented her dad for not spending time with her due to his work, but he ended up sacrificing her life for her. I do think it’s a bit of guilt (because resenting her dad but he saves her - these two contradicts one another). It’s clear that her issues to connect stems from her backstory regarding her father.

It’s interesting how she compares Kaji to her father. I do think she loves Kaji, but “reminds him too much of her father” (as to put it simply). There is this... stereotype that we find someone similar to our opposite-gender parents, no matter how shitty they were towards us. I believe that it is because we tend to stick to something that is familiar to us, even if those type of people aren’t good for us (I think to break this cycle is to practise self-awareness and know what is good for us).

Anyway, Misato is a character that I really liked (as all the characters in Eva) because they highlight Hedgehog’s Dilemma that stemmed from their parental issues. Maybe I have not watched a lot of anime, but female characters with issues with their fathers are not as explored deeply as male characters and their parental issues. A lot of times, female characters (especially in shounen) serves as a romantic interest and yes they can have really sad backstory, but not issues towards their father and how it affects their relationship with other people. So far, the only ones I had seen is Mukuro (Yu Yu Hakusho), Misato and Neon Nostrade.

7. Disney's Cinderella

First of all, she has been a victim of abuse since she was a child. It's not easy for her to escape her predicament. Where can she go? It's not that easy.

Boy. I hate how much people remember Cinderella wrongly and attack her for being "backwards", which is actually factually wrong.

Cinderella always get flack for using the Prince to "escape" her predicament when "she can do it herself".

I say that's bullshit. I actually came across a youtube video: Cinderella Stop Blaming the Victim [please check it out for more in-depth analysis]

Despite all that, she's doesn't internalize it. She knows she doesn't deserve to be treated this way, and she does to a certain degree stand up to them (whenever the cat makes her tasks harder). She knows when to fight back and restrain herself because it might endanger her life.

After years of suffering in this domestic household, she remains kind, compassionate and hopeful. Which is not an easy feat. The problem is, these traits are often seen as feminine and synonymous with being weak. But it is actually, in fact, signs of strength. The mental fortitude she has to remain kind after all she went through is a sign of strength.

The Fairy Godmother only appeared when she was losing hope - take note that she ends up crying because her stepsisters tore her mother’s dress (which is the most disturbing scene in the film).

Even I had remembered this wrongly - one crucial fact is that... She did not want to go the ball to nab the Prince. That was her stepsisters. Homegirl just wanted to chill. She did not even know she was dancing with the Prince!

When Lady Tremaine locked her up to prevent her from reaching the Prince, it wasn’t the Prince that saved her. She and her animal friends got her out of the room, and proceeded to prove that she was indeed the maiden that had danced with the Prince. Her marrying the Prince was only a fitting end to her because it provides her a home and an escape from an abusive household; however, it was her resilience for holding onto fate and being mentally strong, and her initiatives partially contributed to her happy end. The Prince is more like a passive character.

I highly think that people tend to brush her traits - e.g. compassion, having fate, being kind is listed as feminine. However, it is far from being weak, which most people would deem it as. But that is definitely not true.

“No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish can come true.”

8. Mikasa Ackerman from Attack on Titan

Mikasa is either a hit or miss among AOT fans. Some people like Mikasa because she is physically strong and her loyalty to Eren is admirable. On the other hand, some people think she’s clingy and her being physically strong makes her a Mary Sue.

Whether or not you like Mikasa, there is a fact that she is not a Mary Sue. The definition of a Mary Sue is a female character lacking in weakness and seems perfect.

She is physically strong, yes - I believe that Isayama wanted to distribute traits to the trio. Even Hannes has said it in S1. Armin represents intellect, Eren represents grit and Mikasa represents strength. So her being physically strong makes sense, and Isayama also provided an explanation for it (being an Ackerman).

However, this does not mean she lacks any weakness. Arguably, her loyalty to Eren is both a liability and her strength. This “weakness” has been highlighted by her dilemma between her loyalty towards Eren and her belief that mass genocide is wrong.

[I won’t go into details about the manga parts that have not been animated as of 2021, can’t spoil it too much].

#daisy buchanan #mikasa ackerman #misato katsuragi #evangelion #cinderella #mulan #haibara ai #ai haibara #detective conan #shiho miyano #neon nostrade #hxh #hunterxhunter #blanche dubois #a streetcar named desire

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mittensmorgul · 5 years

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7.13, The Slice Girls.

Yes, yes, bucklemming and their creepy magical babies, but let's put that aside and talk about Sam and Dean and what this episode says about them, instead, for once. Instead of letting the focus on the creepy baby blind us all to what's actually happening in this episode, and what it says about s7 (and s6 too, and honestly a good chunk of Sera Gamble's approach to storytelling in general since she was the architect of these seasons even if she didn't pen this particular episode) overall.

Because whoa... it's kinda... not friendly to Sam...

My tag about how Sam and Dean are entirely different people, with different psychological composition, different mental and emotional processes, came about at the beginning of s11 (when the show was using a two-episode mirroring structure, thematically pairing episodes until the midseason 10, 11, 12 worked together as a triptych, and in a season where the final message the characters had to accept and learn was the understanding of Balance Of Opposites, these differences were on stark display) is "sam sympathizes and dean empathizes." It felt like a baseline difference in how each of them approach the world, and something necessary for US to understand their entire dynamic.

And that's on PERFECT display in this episode.

I've been talking throughout my s7 posts in this series about how Sam can't even see how compromised he is. Despite the fact he spends the entire season actively hallucinating Lucifer and openly admits he has difficulty telling those hallucinations apart from reality, he remains convinced that he's coping with it effectively (via the magic button of sanity he believes the scar on his hand to be), and all he has to do is press that button any time Hallucifer pops up, and everything will be fine again. This is Advanced Level Pretending The Bad Thing Doesn't Exist To Make It Go Away. And he can't understand AT ALL why Dean is intensely wary of him, and is unable to fully trust in Sam's perceptions or decision making abilities throughout most of s7.

(which... I mean turns out to be totally valid, but that's for another post... or at the very least, much later in this one... for now, let's try to stick to 7.13, Mittens, and avoid running off ahead of yourself for once... okay we have that settled, back to the point)

We don't see much of Sam actively Hallucifering in this episode, nor relying on the old Hand Squeeze maneuver, but it's impossible to watch this episode and draw the conclusion that Sam was an Objective Observer of Reality here. He's completely entrenched in his personal bias regarding Dean's actions, behavior, and mindset. And again, it's incredibly frustrating to watch.

Sam is so utterly convinced (because he HAS to be in order for it to continue working for him) of his own self-control, of his own stability, of his own soundness of mind, of his own perceptions of the world to be the One, True, Right, Correct Understanding. If that fails him, then as Dean told him in 7.02 when he first squeezed that wound on his hand to bring him back to reality, then "Stone One" of the foundation of his ability to cope with anything at all will just shatter, and his entire sense of self will slide away with it, and his unstable construct of sanity will collapse.

(which... happens two episodes later, but again, I'm getting ahead of myself... *slaps self and gets back to the point*)

Sam NEEDS to believe in his own "correctness" here. And sadly, part of that sham of belief involves the go-to mindset of s4-- that Dean is somehow "broken," that Dean is the one clearly not coping, or not engaging with reality as Sam interprets it, and that it's Dean's perceptions that are inherently suspect. Because Sam doesn't know a different way of relating to the world. He sympathizes.

I've written a lot about the difference between Sam as Sympathetic and Dean as Empathetic, but a super-quick and messy breakdown of this for the purposes of understanding my whole entire point here:

Sam understands others through an examination of them as filtered through his own personal past experiences and his own personal feelings and beliefs. He assumes that everyone else understands the world in this same way, and when someone's reactions or behavior deviates from his own personal experience, from how HE would behave or react in a given circumstance, he frequently disconnects or misinterprets, or attempts to re-file his observations or reclassify the other person in question into something he CAN relate to and understand.

In other words, Sympathy. (versus Dean’s empathy, where he is more able to set aside his own reactions and see people as they are, themselves. It’s what makes him so good at cold reading strangers, being able to put himself into their shoes rather than needing to imagine their shoes are identical to his own...)

We finally see a small subversion of this in Sam’s interactions with Jack in early s13, wherein he projects his own past experience onto Jack, applying the same things he experienced (or even wished he had actually experienced when he was younger) regarding his own psychic powers that he once believed may have made him "evil." Or at the very least made him "other." And Jack directly calls him out for his treatment in 13.03, which gives Sam pause, forces reflection, and drives him toward actually seeing Jack, rather than just seeing Jack as a projection of his own personal beliefs.

I really hope this makes sense... because 7.13 is demonstrating the root of this lack of understanding as the toxic and dangerous thing it can be, when pushed to this sort of deliberately self-deluding extreme. And of course Sam's ongoing ability to walk and talk and function at all completely relies on his ability to do this during s7 (which... ick is one of the reasons I think a lot of folks really have trouble with the entire narrative of the season, even if they haven't put their finger on why, because this is a super-icky, incredibly uncomfortable thing to watch).

Meanwhile, in addition to everything else going on, from the Leviathans being gooey and creepy and plotting world domination as their endgame goal while largely working to achieve it in plain sight, disguised as humans as they slowly infiltrate... everything and influence everything from politics to real estate to healthcare to the food supply to achieve their ends, to everything Dean relies on for his own personal comfort and stability and connection to the world being gradually stripped away from him (beginning with Cas and running right along through his own literal identity), this episode will steal yet another small physical comfort from him-- human sexual intimacy.

He's already lost Cas, his car (the singular constant in his entire life and the closest thing he's ever had to a home), his actual identity, his innermost thoughts (which went along with the identity when a leviathan took his form), comfort food (the TDK slammer slammed him good), Bobby, and even-- to an extent, due to his ongoing concern for his mental health-- Sam. Dean is... adrift... and now he can't even allow himself the simple pleasure of human touch and physical intimacy (even shrouded in the lie of a false identity... he can't even fake it for self-comforting purposes anymore). And yet, he still knows himself, far better than Sam does. And yet for Sam to maintain his self-control, he needs to believe that it's Dean who is deluding himself and succumbing to the depression Sam is not allowing himself to own.

Dean spends the majority of this episode actually doing his job, making connections, and coming to an understanding of the case through his own personal experience of it. While Sam puts the entirety of his reliance on coming to an understanding of the case on the Academic Validation of an "expert" in ancient Greek. Sam dismisses Dean's direct experience by rejecting it as inherently flawed-- because Sam doesn't necessarily trust his OWN ability to have made these observations himself, yet is 100% dependent on the conclusion that only his own observations are remotely reliable, lest his illusory grip on reality shatter entirely.

Dean, meanwhile, is not similarly compromised in a fundamental way, despite his increased drinking, which Sam uses as yet another excuse to dismiss Dean's assessment of reality. Dean's still insisting that he believes that Bobby's ghost may be haunting them, while Sam explains away each new incident rationally-- or so he believes, as the evidence mounts to a ridiculous extent. It gives Sam the false impression that Dean is emotionally compromised to the point his judgment has become irrational and based on his emotions, rather than his point of view and direct experience that Sam simply can't grok, and therefore needs to dismiss to maintain his belief in his own rationality.

These themes will become the "beating a dead horse dot gif" of s7, continuing even after Sam is healed by Cas in 7.17, proving they're inherent to Sam's fundamental makeup, rather than just a side effect of this "soul damage" he suffered with, or the demon blood he was addicted to in s4.

I'm still attempting to force myself to remain focused on just this episode, though, so I'll conclude with a few direct observations:

DEAN: I'm outside Lydia's. SAM (on phone): Oh, come on, man. What, are you obsessed or something? DEAN (on phone): No, I'm telling you. I have been eating at the buffet of strange all afternoon. SAM: Meaning what? DEAN: I'll tell you the second I know. But something ain't right. SAM: Or you're obsessed. DEAN: Shut up. I'm serious.

Despite Sam being told real facts by "experts" that the murdered men had all visited the same club Dean had the night before, he easily dismisses Dean's observations of something weird happening with the woman he'd hooked up with. Sam even tells him he's lucky he "dodged a bullet" since Dean hasn't been killed like the other men he's investigating, and is incapable of even making the connection between what killed those men and the "strange" things Dean's seeing with his own eyes regarding Lydia's rapidly growing daughter, Emma. Sam has to jump through increasingly flaming hoops with a straight face to maintain his belief that Dean is simply obsessed with this woman, that Dean is continuing to slack off, that Dean isn't objectively addressing The Facts™ as Sam understands them.

SAM: So what? I mean, so maybe she has another kid she didn't tell you about. DEAN: Nope, just the one. Emma. But that night, when I was with her, she didn't have any. And I was at her place, man. There was no playpens, no blankets, no rubber ducks. SAM: Right. Like you would have been focused on that kind of thing. DEAN: Hey, dude, that's the first thing you notice. Red flags. Then, all of a sudden, boom – baby. SAM: Yeah, the one you thought talked. DEAN: Oh, it talked. And not baby talk, either. SAM: Now you know so much about child development? DEAN: I know enough to know that they don't say, "Hey, Mom. Who's that guy?" So, cut to... Lydia's handing this kid who's calling her mommy over to these two women, right? But this is not a baby. No, no, this kid's got to be five. And same name – Emma. SAM: You know, George Foreman named all his sons George. DEAN: Are you deliberately messing with me? Dude, I know weird. Okay? There is no non-weird explanation for this. This morning, Emma was a baby. By sunset, she's Hannah Montana. Early years.

And yet Sam is still intent on the "expert" opinion of the professor they asked for help, over and above anything Dean might insist he's personally experiencing. Here, have a very short but complete meta encapsulation of this entire dynamic:

SAM’s phone rings. SAM: It's the Professor. DEAN: Oh. Good. The Professor. Yeah, I'm sure he'll crack this wide open. SAM: Shh!

Dean is sarcastic and dismissive of the professor, the supposed expert who deals in theoreticals and mythology, and not the reality Dean has directly experienced. Meanwhile Sam shushes Dean, dismissing not only his direct experience, but Dean's frustration at Sam’s repeated dismissals.

And here we have it again:

SAM: There's this whole crazy side to Amazon lore that Professor Morrison didn't even mention. DEAN: That's 'cause he doesn't believe in it, which is a real handicap when you're trying to deal with it.

THIS IS SAM'S WHOLE ENTIRE PROBLEM IN A SINGLE EXCHANGE. and then the moment Sam finds something In The Lore™, written down in a book where it's impossible to dismiss, he realizes that Dean hasn't been making shit up or somehow misinterpreting his own lived experience:

SAM: The lore says they reproduced quickly – as in, after mating, they gave birth within 36 hours. The babies grew incredibly fast, then the aging process became normal. Which is one way to make an army, I guess. The mating cycle is every two years. They send out all the women who have reached child-bearing age. DEAN: Which lines up, 'cause this happens every couple of years in different towns, right? SAM: Yeah. And we know for sure that at least some of the vics hooked up with strange women days before being killed Amazon style. DEAN: Hooked up in the same bar I met Lydia, right? SAM: Yeah. DEAN: And then suddenly she's got a little baby in like fruit-fly time. That baby turns into a little girl just as fast. SAM: Wow. So maybe you're – you’re, uh... DEAN: Don't say it.

But rather than questioning EVERYTHING ELSE Dean has been saying over the last few days (or longer, regarding his experiences related to Bobby's ghost), Sam holds on to the rest of his beliefs even more tightly. And he reframes this entire revelation into a different validation of his original thesis-- that Dean's still compromised, Dean's not being objective, Dean letting his emotional damage control him, and it's still A Problem. Because if that's still the case, then Sam is still Maintaining Control Of Himself, and not-compromised himself.

Sam latches on to this and refuses to let go, dismissing Bobby's ghost as a potential explanation for anything, dismissing Dean's evaluation of a document and again running off for a "professional opinion."

DEAN: Maybe it's useful. SAM: It's in a pile of "maybe it's useful." Besides, it's in Greek. Nobody reads Greek. DEAN: Yeah, except Greeks. Oh, and Bobby. SAM: And Professor Morrison. DEAN: Really? SAM: I'm going, Dean. You stay here, keep the door locked. Don't go anywhere. I mean it.

Meanwhile, this approach leaves Sam vulnerable. While at the professor's office, he's attacked by one of the Amazons. While left alone in their motel room, Dean's confronted by his Amazon daughter. He doesn't immediately kill her, though, despite drawing a gun on her before she can attack. And she is talking with him rather than outright attacking anyway, so he lets her talk. To me, this is the key exchange:

DEAN: You look exhausted. EMMA: And starving. It's been a tough sweet 16. So you believe me? EMMA: You'll help me? DEAN: If you really want help.

He is willing to help her escape her life IF SHE REALLY WANTS HELP. We know that when Sam does return, he literally sees a side of Emma that she never reveals to Dean-- the Amazon red eyes-- which convinces Sam that she's a monster incapable of not being monstrous.

A knife drops into EMMA’s hand from her sleeve. DEAN closes the refrigerator and points his gun at EMMA. DEAN: You were asking if I believed you.

I.e., no, Dean didn’t believe her, but he was still willing to hear her out, from an understandable “I’m still gonna point this gun at you while we chat” perspective. When Dean wavers, Emma uses that to question his ability to kill her at all... which is shockingly reminiscent of Dean's inability to kill Jack, even under direct orders from God, in 14.20:

EMMA: It's weirdly hard, isn't it? It is for me. DEAN: Knock it off. EMMA: How could it not be? You're my father. DEAN: Hey! We're not gonna do that. EMMA: But it's true.

So while Dean had wavered in just outright killing Emma, waiting to see if she would succumb to her monstrous nature and try to kill him first, Sam makes the choice to kill her immediately. And in his defense, he even invokes Dean's killing of Amy Pond back in 7.03 as proof that Dean is still compromised:

SAM: What did you say to me... when I was the one who choked? What did you say about Amy? "You kill the monster!" DEAN: I was going to! SAM: Oh, the hell you were! You think I'm an idiot? DEAN: What, you think I am? SAM: Dean, you were gonna let her walk! DEAN: No, I wasn't. That's ridiculous! SAM: Look, man, she was not yours. Not really. DEAN: Actually, she, uh, she was, really. She just also happened to be a crazy man-killing monster. But, uh, hey. SAM: You know what? Bobby was right. Your head's not in it, man. When Cas died, you were wobbly, but now... DEAN: Now what? Oh, what, you're dealing with it so perfect? Yeah, news flash, pal – you're just as screwed up as I am! You're just... bigger. SAM: What?! DEAN: I don't know. SAM: Look... Dean, the thing is, tonight... It almost got you killed. Now, I don't care how you deal. I really, really don't. But just don't – don't get killed.

Because that's what it boils down to, even underneath "stone one" and his Magical Scar Button, the foundation Sam laid that stone on was Dean's assurance, Dean literally guiding him through the mess of hallucination and reality that he'd been unable to separate out for himself, which Dean gets that Sam isn't actually dealing with outside of pushing the button every time Lucifer pops up for him. And without Dean, Sam knows his entire baseline for holding himself together would be gone. And isn't that just terrifying.

Because what Bobby was actually worried about wasn't Dean's head not being in it, but Dean's ability to carry the weight of all of this amid the relentless assault of the universe. From 7.09:

SAM: Yeah. Yeah, I kind of mean more like, uh... more like ever since my head broke... and we lost Cas. I mean, you ever feel like he's -- he's going through the same motions but he's not the same Dean, you know? BOBBY: How could he be? SAM: Right, yeah, but what if -- BOBBY: What if what, Sam? You know, you worry about him. All he does is worry about you. Who's left to live their own life here? The two of you -- aren't you full up just playing Snuffleupagus with the Devil all the live long? SAM: I don't know, Bobby. Seeing Lucifer's fine with me. BOBBY: Come again? SAM: Look, I'm not saying it's fun. I mean, to be honest with you, I-I kind of see it as the best-case scenario. I mean... at least all my crazy's under one umbrella, you know? I kind of know what I'm dealing with. A lot of people got it worse. BOBBY: You always were one deep little son of a bitch.

Bobby never actually said to Sam that Dean’s head wasn't in it. He gave Dean a bit of a talking-to after this, which is distressingly similar to what both Frank and Eliot Ness also tell Dean over the course of the next few episodes, but he never said this to Sam. This is SAM'S interpretation, based on SAM'S assessment of Dean, which informs Bobby's "buck up or else, you're a hunter not a person" speech to Dean from 7.09. Because this was what SAM needed to hear and believe to keep that "umbrella of crazy" firmly in place where he could manage it.

And as the universe continues tearing away at Dean's entire reality, that shield of "professionalism" is just about all he has left. And Sam unintentionally undermines even that at every turn.

What a horrific mess.

#spn 7.13 #s14 hellatus rewatch #sam sympathizes and dean empathizes #winchester family dynamics #using your words #spiders georg of the tnt loop

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ambitchiovs · 4 years

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lenny back at it again… i warned y’all about the intros dump. anyway, off to this bitch:

&&. isn’t that [ DEBORAH ANN WOLL ] walking around the hamptons? oh no, nevermind it’s just [ ADELAIDE MONTSERRAT ]. y'know, the [ 19 ] year old [ CIS FEMALE ] known to be quite [ CHARISMATIC and DETERMINED ] but also [ CUNNING and RUTHLESS ]. currently, the police has them as [ A PERSON OF INTEREST ] in the case of samantha wheeler, because they [ WERE PART OF SAMANTHA’S FRIEND GROUND ]. but they go on about their life as [ A STUDENT ]. i wonder what secrets they’re keeping? [ lenny/23/gmt+3/she/her ]

TW: eating disorders, addiction, mental disorders, possible suicidal thoughts/mentions

DON’T YOU EVER TAME YOUR DEMONS, ALWAYS KEEP THEM ON A LEASH.

In the eyes of Adelaide Montserrat, there was never a girl to be found. If you dare to pry, you will not find what strangers see when they pass her by the crowd. You will look into a bottomless void that threatens to swallow you whole and it will look back at you with smiling teeth. Little Addie, once a girl with pink tutu’s and ballerina shoes, was never one to be meddled with - she would captivate all her teachers and classmates with rosy cheeks and a clever tongue beyond her years, but there was nothing warm or kind about the little girl whose parents held so close she nearly choked to death.

History goes, her father — her biological father, anyhow, was a very powerful politician before he dropped dead. Nobody really knows what happened that night - all everybody seems to know is that all her loved ones seem to fall like dominoes. Her father died when she was 16, during a robbery. The men were never caught, but little Adelaide was left bawling into her mother’s lap. Surprising as it may be, she was actually the product of a one night stand and poor lack of judgement, or so her mother likes to tell her - but Catherine Montserrat was no fool, and she took him for all he had - and as it turns out… That was a lot.

That doesn’t come cheap, for Adelaide, anyways. Being a part of a new family meant she now had a new player to share her inheritance with - and damned if she didn’t do everything she could to throw them off the board. In the eyes of her parents, she could do no wrong - she was pure and pristine and everything they hoped their little girl would be. You’d assume being the younger sibling meant competing for attention - but she never competed. She never even considered it a competition. She won, plain and simple. Her half brother, that man who called himself her “father” now were but pebbles in her shoes, nuisances she had to navigate through to continue on with her luxurious lifestyle. They didn’t understood her, didn’t particularly wanted to, and it was easier to smear on some foundation and bake it with powder than let explain why her skin was cracking. It was easier to strap on those old ballerina shoes and put on a show until her toes were bleeding, than to try and show them what was behind the curtains. And all jewelry in the world, all praise, all money and countless designer bags she accumulated every year could never fill up that gaping hole, that detachment she felt towards the outside world and inability to connect with things and people - even those supposedly closest to her.

You see, Adelaide didn’t lose, because she tailored the game to her whims and batted her heavy set of lashes to make it seem fair. And if she did lose - the game be damned; she’d destroy it and any evidence of her failure with the wrath of a woman scorned. She didn’t want to be a little sister, or a daughter, or something for men to gawk at. She wanted to be something else. Anything other than this vile thing dripping with self-loathing , cloaked in a veil of perfectionism. Something that wasn’t rammed into this golden mold before she even took her very first breath.

Addie’s behavior as well as their parents favoritism only blurred the lines between love and hate between the half-siblings, complicating her understanding of relationships even further. And it certainly didn’t help that her new brother was just as stubborn and competitive as she was. The children were picture perfect, carrying on the legacy of their parents on their backs as if it weighed no more than a feather - while whatever had been good or soft in them began to rot.

But just who is Adelaide Montserrat? The reincarnation of the Virgin Mary to most. The girl with perfect hair, perfect hair and a perfect family. In truth, Adelaide could be seen only as a terror taken human form to those who opposed her, and a perfect, exemplary girl for those who keep a safe distance. What she is, what she truly is, is a game of smoking mirrors - a fragmented girl, scattered into so many pieces to cater to the whims of crowds, that now, when she looks into a mirror, the image that looks back is something recognizable; distorted.

Fueled by her own securities and desire to obtain perfection, paired with the crowd of rich kids that were offered to her as friends growing up, it didn’t take for things to escalate; by the age of only fourteen, poisoning their blood with alcohol, snorting up enough cocaine so she had to carry around wipes and kicking each other in the stomach while crouching over the toilet became somehow ordinary. Encouraged, even. All that deep-rooted self-hatred had to spill someway, somehow. She grew to resent how boys were granted more freedom, more room to misbehave and make mistake. She resented girls for being themselves, for not wanting to scream every second of every day. And she resented Samantha for how genuinely she could smile - for how easily everything came to her, and for how she was everything she could never be; while she was lying in a grave she dug herself - shackled to the image of perfection she’d crafted, held to the highest of regards, expected to never falter nor stutter. It was hard to define the relationship between her - one moment Addie was sweet, the next she was cruel. And as to that unfortunate Halloween night, she claims they parted ways before she could see anything.

All the harder she tries to cling to this illusion of control, the deeper she dives into that well. Parents often say kids will “grow out of it”; their fits of rage, their apathy towards other children, their unwillingness to share, their manipulative, spoiled ways of obtaining what they want- but Addie never did. Somewhere inside there’s still that little girl who’d rather break her toys in half than to share it with other kids. Who’d bump into other little girls at school, and tell the nurse they tripped. Who’d rather set her arm back in place herself than say “you were right”. The little girl who’ll sit in an empty throne all alone, built with the bones of the people she once claimed to love.

PERSONALITY-WISE:

Adelaide is emotionally unstable and has a very competitive, volatile, manipulative personality; she doesn’t forgive, and she sure as hell doesn’t forget, and she can lash out in incredibly ruthless ways due to her extreme lack of empathy for hers. Her addictions and unwillingness to ever speak to anyone in depth about herself only worsen the state of her BPD. Despite all this, on the surface, she can seem like just like any other pristine, privileged girl. It’s not usual for people to find her charming - she does exude that sort of magnetic aura that’s very easy to fall for, because people tend to see what they want to see - and therefore, it’s easy for her to adjust her personality to the expectations of whomever she’s trying to captivate. In a way, her entire personality has merged with her addiction: being friends with her feels a lot like moment of high in exchange for an eternity of sorrow.

She can be a loyal friend, to some extent, although she’ll never put anyone above herself. She’s also very insecure and prone to fits of rage (in private) whenever she doesn’t get what she wants (think broken mirrors and glasses), as her self-image is heavily dependent on what she can achieve and how others perceive her. Deep down, this all stems from jealousy - she so desperately wishes she could connect with other people and things the way everyone around her does, but in the end she can’t, and she’s left feeling like an outside looking in. If she’s miserable, why shouldn’t everyone around her be too?

HIT ME UP TO PLOT U COWARDS !!

for reals, though - i know this was unnecessarily long, but oh well. you can be ex friends with her? don’t know why they’re not friends anymore - but i’m willing to bet it’s addie’s fault.

maybe some sort of competitor? academic or otherwise.

maybe there’s some poor ex out there who knows what a headcase she actually is? but probably can’t say much bc they fear for her life lmao.

she wouldn’t openly date anybody who could reflect poorly on her reputation, so secret hookups??? give me someone who’s getting sick of being used pls. ( she’s a closeted bisexual. society isn’t very welcome to the idea rn ) so girl crushes yes pls let girls have crushes on her. let her manipulate them bc she knows. i need.

also gimme someone who deals drugs to her tbh, bc this needs to be kept SUPER lowkey, but it’d also be hilarious bc she wouldn’t have to fake her personality around them & it’s like bitch what the fuck this girl is dr jekyll and mr hyde.

i’d love love to see a fake relationship - but i don’t mean the ‘secretly have feelings for each other’ - i mean the… secretly despise each other but they’re image-obsessed people and like being seen as the golden couple.

oH and pls someone give me a… dare i say sisterly connection? mostly, a girl who idolizes her or puts her on a pedestal, that she might or might not have a soft spot for ( which in addie’s handbook just means she’ll be that much crueler whenever she feels like it tbh ) & see it as some sort of protegee.

idk i’m open to anything, these are just suggestions thrown at the wall here. the point is… plot w me u cowards. and yes, my muse does bite.

#hamptcns:intro

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tanikawrites · 5 years

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A Very Merry Bollywood Romance: My Personal Favourites

I'm not going to say 'there's nothing like it' merely on account of the fact that I grew up immersed in watching hours upon hours of Bollywood fantasies, but rather because I can say with hand on heart that there's something about Indian cinema that really knows how to make you feel. I don't whether it's the oozing charisma and genuity of the actors; how passions and flavour is woven into every detail and gesture; whether it's the fact that your screen explodes with unapologetic culture and colour, or the way the music surges through you like wine through water. True, it can be ridiculously cheesy (to the point where I've even had to leave the room for cringing), but when it comes to mixing serendipity with the sensuous to equate with an experience of heart-rendering love, then honestly; nowhere but India can do finer.

This admittedly comes a little late after Valentine's day, however I was inspired to collab together some of my favourite Bollywood romances of all time (or at least the last twenty-two years) to share in the hopes of inspiring your next Netflix binge if you feel the itch to dive into something different (and better) than your usual rom-com agenda.

Khabi Khushi Khabie Gham (Through Smiles or Through Tears, 2001)

'If you want to be something in life, want to get something in life, or want to win something in life, then listen to your heart always. And if you don’t get any answer from your heart, then close your eyes; think of your mother and father's names, and see how you will reach your destiny, overcome all your hurdles. Victory will be yours. Only yours.'

You'd be hard pressed to find anyone in India who hasn't heard of this iconic number, this being India's answer to a cult classic like our own Bridget Jones or Notting Hill. Karan Johar's infamous blockbuster is a millennial Bollywood icon, and if you don't find yourself soaked in your own tears at least five times during the three-hour duration, then I would duly recommend getting your eye-ducts checked. And your conscience.

Khabi Khushi Khabie Gham (or KKKG as it is also affectionately known) is first on this list as it is as quintessentially Bollywood perhaps as it gets: entourages of lavish dance sequences and ornate cinematography, all the while underlined with emotional questions surrounding obligations not only to one's culture and home but moreover to one's self. It concerns the consequences of when Rahul (Shah Rukh Khan), adopted son of wealthy businessman Yash Raichand (Amitabh Bachchan), dares to forsake the perfectly selected match his father has picked for him for that of the exuberant Anjali (Kajol) from the lower-class sphere of Chandni Chowk. His choice in prioritising love over tradition and duty creates a fracture in the family dynamic over a span of ten years, this only finally being addressed when his younger brother Rohan (Hrithik Roshan) chooses to repair his broken family and reunite a dedicated mother (Jaya Bachchan) with her favourite son.

KKKG is one of my first choices whenever introducing newcomers to Bollywood as it would be difficult to find much to complain about with it. Yes it has its cheesy moments and a lot of the humour might require some cultural know-how, yet the comedy in question is so perfectly scripted that it doesn't detriment the moments of extreme emotionality - on the contrary, it positively amplifies it. I have additionally always had a soft spot for Anjali and Rahul as their relationship understandingly matures given the circumstances of their union, especially given Rahul's decision to move their small sect of their family out of India entirely. Regardless they still remain hilariously argumentative and flirtatious the whole way through, their more traditional relationship being paralleled through the younger and more westernised dynamic between Rohan and Anjali's younger sister, Pooja (Kareena Kapoor). The film is a package deal for all the emotions and a bonanza of some of the best acting talent in the industry, the love story being not just between one man and woman but towards one's home and family.

BEST SONG: Title Track

Mohabbatein (Love Stories, 2000)

'Love is like life; it's not always easy and it does not always bring you happiness, but if we do not stop living, then why should we stop loving?'

Now, Mohabbatein has a far more lavish layer of cheese slathered across it than the predecessor on the list, but that may be more down to how the cast is comprised of a camaraderie of newcomers alongside more the more accomplished acting masters. Mohabbatein is the story of three students who each fall in love whilst studying at the prestigious all-male college Gurukul under the lense of the strict headmaster Narayan Shankar (Amitabh Bachchan) - his most iron-clad rule bizarrely being that no-one is to pursue romantic relationships whilst under his roof for risk of immediate expulsion. Whilst all hope seems lost then for these horny *ahem* love-struck adolescents, enter the charismatic and emphatically romantic music teacher Raj Malhotra (Shah Rukh Khan). His presence at first seems innocent enough in his encouragement for the boys to nurture their affections as Robin Williams encouraged his own students in the pursuit of poetry, especially as it soon comes to light that Raj's own great love, Megha (Aishwarya Rai), committed suicide when her father expelled Raj when he learned of their relationship; determined that the two were not allowed to be together. That same father then being the unyielding Narayan Shankar.

Mohabbatein then makes for such brilliant cinema and engrossing romance as it combines all the freshness and innocence of young love with the intensity of passions that transcend the boundaries of life and death. The sense of pathos invoked by Chopra is interweaved into every detail of the piece, from music to performance; the preposterous and absurd. The confrontations between Bachchan and Khan in this piece are far more enigmatic than in KKKG given the different stakes between a father and son and the different types of love that two men can feel when grieving over the loss of the same woman. It proves one of my favourites time and again given how, for all the playfulness and somewhat ridiculous outlines in the plot, it is the eternalised love that is embodied by Raj and Megha, and the wondrous idea that not even mortality stands as a barrier between those that truly love each other, that will be hard pressed to feel like your heart might physically glow.

BEST SONG: Humko Humise Churalo / Zinda Rehti Hain Mohabbatein

Hasee toh Phasee (She smiles, she's snared, 2014)

'You are the oxygen to my double hydrogen. Our chemistry flows like water.'

This more modern film addresses far more contemporary issues than its predecessors, the complex relationship between Nikhil (Siddarth Malhotra) and Meeta (Parineeti Chopra) abandoning perhaps much of the traditional grandeur in place of what one could argue is closer to the standard quirky, slice-of-life style typical of an adolescent British rom-com. What is indisputable is that even without as much of a flair for the dramatic and the abundance of glamour, the film still radiates with a palpable sense of heart, as it invites us to explore what happens when flustered yet well-meaning Nikhil becomes saddled with looking after his fiancee, Karishma's, eccentric sister during the week before their wedding. One can't help but chuckle and squirm as we watch Nikhil's hapless attempts to pass Meeta off as a long-lost friend to his family and friends in his and Karishma's efforts to conceal her from her own family, the reasons for her freakish personality going unspoken except for the ominous pills she keeps popping on the sly.

We soon realise the reason Meeta has been isolated from her family is due to how she chose to prioritise her academic ambitions over that of the traditional femininity and getting dolled up for the purposes of marriage and domesticity; the disappointment invested towards her paving a way for a natural connection with an equally lost Nikhil in his endless efforts to appease the incessant demands of his more materialistic fiancee. This then is what makes the film even more compelling given how it goes against the culturally ingrained stereotypes of the man managing to be the effortless, seductive hero, able to provide and fight for the woman he loves in conjunction to the beauteous and elusive heroine. Instead, it invokes a relationship about two people who feel lost in the oppression of society's expectations, the result being that despite judgemental relatives and unstable emotionality, the two are able to find something magical that can only be brought out in each other.

BEST SONG: Ishq Bulaava / Manchala

Pardes (Foreign Land, 1997)

'You've all mistaken me for some innocent little painting that you've framed in gold, and now you want me to hang on these walls in silence and become a part of this false decor! This isn't the dream I came to this foreign land with, is it?'

Now, this is a controversial one. Pardes is probably the most politically charged movie on this list as it is famous for being an incredibly evocative piece of anti-Western propaganda. It concerns what happens when free-spirited Ganga (Mahima Chaudhary) is handed in marriage to the son of a wealthy NRI (Non-Resident Indian), however the vastness of the difference in culture on top of the distance between India and America sees to it that the outcome of such an engagement comes to some horrific consequences. Pardes is primarily then about the clash between cultures when the innocent essence of India is dragged to and exposed within the more confident and lavish shores of America. This premise in itself may seem problematic and would understandably evoke outrage as America is intentionally built up as the criminalised empire in the face of the all-pure India, however, what the viewer must remember when watching Pardes is that it is quintessentially a story about consent and respect. It's about acknowledging the difference in cultures and adhering to ways of life you may not understand, rather than trying to overwhelm and consume that sense of 'otherness' like a tyrannical Frankenstein 'penetrating into the secrets of nature' and causing chaos for everyone. It is fair to say then that Pardes is problematic and the socio-political accuracy of the piece could be spat upon until the cows come home, but it is this sense of duality and complication that makes it so interesting.

The main romantic storyline of the film then may be more of a Trojan horse for the more significant aspects for discussion, but it is more than fair to say that the political stakes are squarely matched by the passions at play. After all, when the wholly Americanised Rajiv (Apurva Agnihotri) proves to be more than a little bit of a disappointment, it is the relationship between Ganga and his adopted brother Arjun (Shah Rukh Khan) that comes to full heart-warming fruition. Arjun's role as the mediator between Ganga and Rajiv in trying to fulfil his adopted father's wish in smoothing the match over quickly escalates to into him becoming Ganga's most trusted confidante and defender. One can recognise perhaps the outdated sense of chivalry in this - especially as the inclusion of the attempted rape scene does appear to be an excuse for tensions to culminate in a traditional, Bollywood-esque full-on fist fight. However, credit has to be duly cast to the writers as they characterise Arjun as possessing a rare sense of compassion and empathy, especially given how his proclamation of love for Ganga is based not on lust but his genuine desire to trust, revere, respect and protect. In addition to this, it is easy to admire Ganga for her perseverance in trying to navigate this foreign land, she becoming all the more engaging for her burgeoning determination without the expense of her self-respect and ingrained love for her home nation. The prioritisation of one another's welfare above their own alongside becoming embroiled in their sense of duty to tradition and family is then what makes their journey towards each other so compelling and heart-wrenching. Pardes is a love story with incredibly heavy undertones that would have to be entered with a particularly open mind, but perhaps once the offences have been fully digested, one can fully appreciate why the film is so renowned; with a love that is all at once devastating as it is wonderful and profound.

Devdas (2002)

'Where can I find again my lost innocence? My lost dreams? My lost childhood? What happened to my home in the shade of the trees?'

If there was ever an answer to the intensity and literary grandeur of tragic romances the like of Romeo and Juliet or Abelard and Heloise, then Devdas slaps back with unparalleled panache. If it wasn't a love story in its own right then Devdas is indisputably an affair for the senses; Sanjay Leela Bhansali's breath-taking production instilling every scene and action with such aestheticism that the Pre-Raphaelites are, no doubt, positively quaking. The story is no doubt a tragedy, following the titular character's (Shah Rukh Khan's) debilitating descent into alcoholism following his childhood sweetheart, Paro's (Aishwarya Rai), marriage after his mother ridicules her family for being descended from prostitutes a long time back down the line of their ancestry. Ironically enough, he seeks relief in leaving his home and taking shelter with a friend who works at a brothel, his emotional deterioration subject to the fruitless effortless of the heartfelt taiwaif (courtesan) Chandramukhi (Madhuri Dixit).

The relationship between Dev and Paro is continuously fraught with psychological manipulation as the two try to progress with their lives whilst undeniably in love with each other, the acting on the parts of Khan and Rai being so invigorating that it would not be surprising to find yourself holding your breath whenever the two are on screen. the interactions between Khan and Dixit are additionally moving as they have a deeper understanding of one another, their relationship perhaps being all the more rueful in the sense of it being a one-sided sense of self-sacrifice as Dev continues to ruminate over a love he can never have. Indeed, though Khan is typically praised for his rigorous performance, it has been disputed that it is perhaps the talent and dynamic between Rai and Dixit in their roles as Paro and Chandramukhi - the aristocrat and the courtesan - is the actual showstopper in this magnificent piece. It was never in the original story after all that the two women should have a relationship outside their original and comparatively brief confrontation over who loves Dev more, so that fact that Bhansali chooses to instal and flesh out the friendship between these two equally fierce and magnetic women is but one of the aspects that makes this film so essential and inspiring.

BEST SONG: All of them omg

Goliyon ki Rasleela Ram-Leela (A Play on Bullets: Ram-Leela, 2013)

'If hatred and pride can make a desert of the sea, then love can make flowers bloom here.'

Let's establish this from the start - Baz Luhrmann can choke.

This is how a real Rom-and Jules-adaption is done. As the most sultry addition to the list by far (seriously, phew), Ram-Leela admittedly does take a lot of liberties with the narrative. Nevertheless, any alterations or revisions that have been made are entirely for the better. In fact, even if you were to take the stance that Romeo and Juliet were as young and naive as they are in order to heighten the tragedy of violence and conflict, then it becomes more than reasonable to argue that Ram-Leela actually captures the essence of the play more than the stagnant Western replicas that have plagued us in the past. We still have the warring families, the star-crossed lovers and poetics on steroids, only that the narrative is enhanced by the rawness of rural Rajasthan to bring Shakespeare’s message to better fruition. Indeed, if you, like me then, have always been able to appreciate the ideologies behind the original play, yet remained impatient with the immaturity and implausibility of the titular characters in spite of yourself, then Ram-Leela provides the perfect amendment to all those irritations. Instead, we see two leads who are far more enthralling and philosophical, the opposition between them being so devastating given how Bhansali interweaves dramatic irony with frustrating relish. It comes down to how the Rajadis and Saneras cause the original Montagues and Capulets to look embarrassingly spineless by comparison; their inconceivable prowess in being able to manipulate even their own playing on our expectations so much that it cements the romance firmly within the boundaries of tragedy.

Indeed, we are not just treated to a brief separation between the two until the time of death, but rather the stage is reset so that Ram (Ranveer Singh) and Leela (Deepika Padukone) become the respective heads of their families and are forced to war against each other - and not entirely against their own wills either. The film encompasses a similar sense of passionate antagonisation that abounds in Devdas as well then, the irony being that the more fraught and frayed the relationship, the more your heart aches for want of the forsaken lovers to be able to make it. In truth, the film actually starts out ridiculously playfully with bounties of energy and innuendo, the fact that it is able to convincingly transition on its axis to become so emotionally straining being a credit to Bhansali's directorial ingenuity. Of course, the chemistry between the leads in Ranveer Singh and Deepika Padukone is near indescribable, both balancing refreshing elements of mischief and charm alongside intense vulnerability and ardour. Critics have labelled their performances as probably being still the finest of their careers (which is saying plenty, trust me), the camaraderie between the two hardly being surprising. After all, the two did just get married late last year - and on the anniversary of the film's original release date no less! So if that doesn't convince you of the quality of such a love story, then I'm afraid that you will be convinced by very little else.

BEST SONG: Lahu Munh Lag Gaya / Nagada Sang Dohl / Laal Ishq

Kal Ho Naa Ho (Tomorrow might not be, 2014)

'Listen - live, be happy, smile, because who knows? Tomorrow might not be.'

Honestly, in light of all the films that have been listed before now, with their mind-blowing cinematography, incredibly moving soundtracks and ground-breaking scopes of acting, Kal Ho Naa Ho might seem to fall a little short. It's set in the dreary din of New York, the soundtrack is more constructed towards fun and contemporary glamour, yet it is undeniable that this film is my favourite of the whole bunch. The top of my list of romantic Bops then is the story of Naina (Preity Zinta) and the many complications which taint her family; the pressure being so much that she has been rendered the constant embodiment of irritability. And even forgotten how to smile. Everything turns around when Aman (Shah Rukh Khan) enters the family's life: optimistic, charismatic and caring, he literally breathes new life into Naina's existence, so that before long she finds herself completely devoted to him in place of the unspoken affections of her closest friend, Rohit (Saif Ali Khan). What pans out is that on the verge of telling Aman she loves him however is that he tells Naina that the reason he came to New York was to repair his frayed relationship with his wife, Priya (Sonali Bendre). Unbeknownst to the bereft Naina, this is, in fact, a lie. The truth is that Priya is actually Aman's doctor and he doesn't have much time left to live.

I don't know then whether it's because the characters and scenarios are so well grounded, the dynamics and difficulties within the Kapur family are more relatable, or that the relationships between and constructions of characters are perhaps the most believable, but it's one of those films that you'll agree, once you've watched it, has an inexplicable sensibility that takes the cake every time. A lot of it does seem to be grounded in the healthy and brilliant way the love triangle is handled in the film, as any sense of complication or rivalry between Rohit and Aman is evoked as comedy rather than any serious resentment or envy. It's an incredibly unique love triangle then and this is perhaps why it has garnered so much critical respect, as the love-triangle motif is such a typical motif of Bollywood cinema (with repeatedly toxic and violent confrontations like in Pardes), that it is refreshing to see a love depicted so genuinely and platonically. It's even more heart-warming to watch as Aman does his best efforts to ensure that Naina walks with Rohit down the aisle (or the Saptapadi to be precise) all the while wielding his best façade so that she never realises that he loves her too. In fact, the affections between them are so subtle and few that the effect is paradoxically more intense, as you find yourself latching onto every fleeting sign of love between them that you can. KHNH then is another one that I recommend first and foremost, though in truth it's best not to watch it too often unless you have a few days to spare in which to emotionally recover.

BEST SONG: Titular track

And there you have it - they may not be the best according to everyone's taste, but the romances listed above are some of the most critically acclaimed and effective Bollywood masterpieces to ever grace the silver screen. Though they may start as cliched and melodramatic, with too much dance and quirky dynamic, this is always a foil to deep-rooted passions and die-hard affections - each a romantic experience above and beyond any of your expectations.

Tanika Lane

#review #bollywood #own writing #blog

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beardbot · 5 years

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As pride month comes to an end, I wanted to post a thing. Please forgive the large amount of text in the thing! Also I tried to throw in a picture!!

So, I usually don't talk about sexuality or relationships. This is partially because I'm just reserved (and fine, a bit prudish too), partially because I've only recently figured out myself, and partially because I feel like I don't need these spaces as much as other people, and it's selfish to claim them.

On that last point, my own identities are more quietly invisible, and less under direct attack, than others. Asexuality is dismissed and erased, but people believing it isn't a real thing is not as damaging as actual physical harm or denial of human rights. It's "weird" but it's not seen as violating anyone's religion or "family values" or lifestyle, or whatever else is used to justify violence and bigotry against others. (Unless you count men who are offended you don't want to be Graced with the Royal Penis after getting an unsolicited dick pic.) Bi- and pansexuality are more dramatically erased, and with additional risks, but at least I'm placed under the umbrella of "has a serious boyfriend." Either way, I've either been pushed out of communities or simply felt like I didn't need them. The latter 90% of the time.

Regardless, here I am going on about it anyway! Placing my flag on pride month. My identity, what I joke about being my "alphabet soup version," is panromantic demisexual. If that sounds confusing to you, don't worry, I get it. I grew up in Florida 😂 seriously though, I didn't settle on this until graduate school. Once I even did figure it out, I didn't label it until later. Most of the time, my identity is bisexual when I don't want to argue about asexuality, and asexual when I don't want to argue about bisexuality. But I want to just be more open about it.

Panromantic demisexual. Panromantic meaning romantically attracted to anyone across sex and gender (not just men, or women, or exclusively men and women). Basically "bisexual" but with romantic attraction, and without a strict binary of men and women. Demisexual meaning only sexually attracted after being emotionally involved first, for me usually romantically attracted. Basically "not into one-night stands" you could say. I guess first you need to accept that romantic and sexual attraction are two separate things, which I was not even conscious of for the longest time. Shout out to terrible sex education! 👌

I grew up confused when lumping these two things together - having crushes and wanting to date people, but simultaneously being repulsed by the idea of sexual intimacy with them (or anyone), at least for a long time. Thinking I was broken, or indecisive, or unstable. But alas! Two separate things.

The easiest example is being sexually attracted to someone, but not romantically (you don't want to date them, have emotional intimacy, etc.) "Hit it and quit it" 😂 so then, why is it so difficult the other way around? It sounds so bizarre to other people, the idea that you can be romantically attracted to someone, but not sexually. That you maybe want to hold hands and cuddle and go on cute dates with someone, but that's not a ticket to ride on (no pun intended) the Train to Bang Town. But maybe you can think of examples yourself. Maybe you had a *very* close friend, whom you spent all of your time with, whom you shared all of your secrets with, who was the first person you thought of when anything important happened to you, but NO HOMO I'M NOT GAY LIKE THAT we're just close friends. Maybe you have crushes on men and women but you only want to sleep with women. All normal! TWO SEPARATE THINGS! They can be aligned but still two separate things.

I first identified as asexual. Nope, I'm just not into anyone in that way. Even celebrity crushes, I wanted to do things like walk through parks, hang out and eat ice cream, read them poems (emo kids unite?), a number things, but none of them sexual in nature. Later on, I would date boys, but either dump them or be dumped pretty early on ("prudes" unite). Something was "off," different. I felt different. Different from what I saw in TV and movies, heard in music, in conversations of other people my age. Still, I vividly remember the day I realized what people ACTUALLY mean when they say someone is "hot." (I was too old and too naive to not know, but my brain just didn't think that way.) Not just aesthetically pleasing. The older I got, the more I felt like an alien. Probably sounded like one. "Ah, yes, his face is indeed aesthetically pleasing." ... "Take me to your leader!"

You could call me a "late bloomer," but it's not even just that. Late introspector? Late learner? Yes, I eventually did go "farther" with partners, and have lovely relationships with people who are patient and put up with me. But I still wouldn't call myself "bloomed." I'm still different from most other people. And I'm proud to not be labeling myself with things that don't reflect me.

Going back to my own development. So, I settled on "ace" and anonymously joined forums and such. It felt right... but only for a time. Eventually I felt a little different from that too. I talked with people who were aromantic, and people who were sex-repulsed. Wait a minute, is that me too? No, I dont quite feel that way. Well, what the f-

Flash forward, I finally settled on "demisexual." Okay, I'm kinda asexual, but also kinda in my sexy feelings for someone after bonding and feeling emotionally safe with them. I want to be more than friends. Maybe try out some other things, but only with you. Today I feel like demisexual is the best fit. Maybe "gray" too but I think emotional closeness is the key for me.

But wait, do I like girls too? Or do I even care what sex or gender they are? Yes, I've had intense crushes on many girls. If you want to stick with socialized norms, I liked feminine girls, and masculine girls. Eventually I liked one woman, who later identified as a man, after having his own journey through gender and sexuality (which I think is especially hard in bible-belt Jacksonville). I still thought he was cute and smart and funny.

No, I don't really care about sex or gender - I just care that you like dogs and 90s music and video games like me. Neat!

I dont really know how to end this. I'll just say, I do consider myself a member of the LGBTQIA community, in which my B stands for bisexual (but actually panromantic) and my A stands for asexual (but actually the asexuality spectrum). I'm overjoyed to see more openness and acceptance in my lifetime, and I hope that continues for kids growing up now, who may be "confused" or "indecisive" - and maybe they will not have to wait until after college to figure it out. Nuance is important in something this complex and... well, nuanced.

Thank you to anyone who read this until the bitter end!

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tbh-entp · 5 years

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is it a common trait to manipulate people? cause i do that a lot and have been doing it ever since i can remember. i don’t do it out of harm but just to get what i want if it’s the faster route and it’s so damn easy

Hi, so I wouldn’t say it’s a common trait among us to manipulate-- or maybe I don’t like the connotation of this word.

ENTPs are universally intuitive and pretty good at reading people, especially if the Fe is developed. I would say that we’re good at knowing how to charm, and using this to get things. I also would say that this isn’t exactly in the same vein as being manipulative. It’s possible for an ENTP to be manipulative, yes, but the ability to know how to word questions or to use cleverness to get by isn’t the same. Or maybe it is.. agh!?

Genuinely, it’s a bit grey for me here. I have been called manipulative by people who watch me with others-- but pretty much always, my version of ‘manipulation’ is working a situation so that everyone is happy.

Very recently actually, two days ago, my officemate told me that he ‘wanted’ one of my friends and ordered me to set them up. (Ordered.) This friend of mine has terrible luck with men, has had to move apartments multiple times to get away from creepers, and is currently suffering from a broken engagement. And my officemate is a bit unstable, so he began to follow her (a day after he told me he liked her). Knowing how emotionally fragile he is, I pulled rank and told him that my friend met someone at the orchestra and wasn’t interested, but someone else would surely be. My friend was happy because my officemate stopped walking into her closed office, uninvited, and my officemate was happy because her not returning his affection wasn’t a function of his own creepiness--it was a function of her being interested in someone else (which was a lie, but c’mon).

In this case, I manipulated the situation, but it’s literally for good. My officemate is bipolar and very unstable and I knew that he had no chance with my friend, especially given her past. So if I waited any longer to tell him that she wasn’t available (especially given that he couldn’t actually garner up the strength to talk to her), news of her turning him down would get harder and harder for him to deal with, and as annoying as he is, I very truly want and need him to be ok.

I border controversial here, but I truly believe that intentions and means to getting what you want should be taken into account. Everything we watch on TV is essentially manipulation-- so yeah... I don’t know. I think there is malicious manipulation and non-malicious manipulation. Feel free to PM me about this though.

#as someone who got away with a lot as a kid #I really have an issue with deciding when manipulation is bad other than when it's for control over someone or something like that #but i definitely was able to manipulate to turn in homework and papers later (which is bad #I guess)#but like #ENTPs #can make people like them #and wording in certain ways or acting in certain ways causes certain responses #i'll admit to being manipulative #but it's definitely not an entp trait #my dad isn't like me #entp #mbti #answered #manipulation #Anonymous

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wendynerdwrites · 6 years

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Random Rant about Princess Diana, Prince Charles, and Camilla

Okay, so despite being a gauche, socially progressive American who really doesn’t get why monarchies exist anymore, I am kind of a low-key royal watcher/follower. I was a HUGE fan of/admirer of Princess Diana when I was a little girl and am still a fan of hers in many ways.

But I’m also a fan of Charles and Camilla.

“But how???? Charles and Camilla ruined Diana’s life! They are eeeevil!!!!”

First of all, NO.

Diana Spencer had intense issues way before she hooked up with Charles, for one thing. Her parents had a bitter divorce and custody battle that basically ravaged her childhood. Seriously, at one point her dad was practically holding her hostage away from her mother during Christmas. You think the Wales divorce was messy?... It was. But it was basically just a sequel to Spencer family drama.

By Diana’s own words, she struggled with bulimia from her adolescent years and had severe abandonment issues.

Ever wonder why William’s pet cause is mental health? DIANA IS WHY.

She also grew up among a very specific “set” that included the royal family. She and her sister were playmates to Prince Andrew and Prince Edward. She grew up with the same weirdo aristocratic approach to marriage as them as well which was: pop out an heir and spare, then do whatever.

While she was young and naive and apparently did have a HUGE crush on Charles that resulted in her buying into the fairy tale narrative, she wasn’t the total shrinking violet/know-nothing people sometimes make her out to be. Diana thought she’d be the exception. She was wrong. But she DID enter that marriage with a shit-ton of pre-installed baggage that CHARLES HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH.

Second of all, ALSO NO.

God... This engagement and marriage was made of such crazy fuckery. But Diana was all in, hook, line, and sinker.

Charles, less so. And the situation was just... so fucked, you guys. And, no, sorry, it wasn’t all Charles’s fault. Or Diana’s fault. Or Prince Philip’s fault. But it went like this:

Basically, Chuck was pushing 30, was heir, and had yet to further the royal line, so to speak. It had been nearly a decade since he was formally invested as Prince of Wales. And the issue of him getting hitched had always been... there, but it really got serious as he neared the big 3-0. Especially since his younger sister, Anne, was already married and had a kid. But over the years, he’d had Richard Nixon try to set him up with his daughter and had been geared towards various COUSINS by no less than his “Uncle Dickie” AKA Lord Mountbatten AKA the guy who hooked Prince Philip up with Queen Elizabeth, who was basically Charles’s second Father.

Things got serious as Charles got older, though. Rumors were getting out that he might be gay (remember, this was the late 70′s/early 80′s and Charles is HEIR TO THE THRONE. One factor is/was that Charles is/was a surprisingly progressive dude even then and didn’t bat an eye at employing men who were OPENLY GAY IN THE 70′s. But the thing was, whether or not Charles was gay, if the public believed that, it could have potentially caused a CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS BECAUSE ROYALTY IS ALL OF THE EXTRA)

Charles was into aristocratic blonds... Fine. Perfect... Except for the part where the aristocratic blonds he tended to go for were non-virgins (and therefore completely unsuitable according to his beloved Uncle Dickie)... also married.

...That’s not Camilla, BTW. Camilla was already married to Andrew Parker-Bowles at this point. The lady in the picture there is Lady Dale “Kanga” Tryon, a fashion designer and Charles’s other mistress who actually lived a really interesting life culminating in a super tragic death. We’ll come back to her later.

But basically, Charles had to marry a virginal aristocrat, and fast. So he entered into a sort of courting pool of eligible ladies, at one point dating Lady Sarah Spencer, Diana’s older sister. But Lady Sarah went, “Nah, my sister is WAAAY more into you anyways. Date her.”

Now, if this sounds SUPER CREEPY, ANTIQUATED, AND MESSED UP, EVEN FOR THE 70′S AND 80′S, THAT’S BECAUSE IT IS. THIS IS THE WORLD THESE PEOPLE OPERATED IN, HOWEVER. AND THE ONLY THING MORE INSANE THAN ARISTOCRATS WERE ARISTOCRATS IN THE 70′S AND 80′S. THE ONLY THING MORE INSANE THAN ARISTOCRATS IN THE 70′S AND 80′S WERE THE ONES IN THE 60′S. JUST ASK PRINCESS MARGARET. THIS SHIT IS TAME COMPARED TO THE SHIT CHARLES UNCLE TONY GOT UP TO. POINT IS, THIS WAS WEIRD FROM THE BEGINNING.

Anyways, the two seemed to hit it off, but they were only dating a couple months when the press moved in and started making everything a hundred times crazier. Diana found herself hounded by the press, culminating in the papers slut-shaming her for LITERALLY TAKING AN OVERNIGHT TRIP ON A TRAIN.

This prompted Charles dad, Prince Philip, notorious for choosing his words poorly, basically sending a letter to his son telling him to basically shit or get off the pot before he ruined Diana’s life and reputation. Charles, emotionally stunted and basically terrified of his dad, took this to mean that he HAD to marry her, or he WOULD ruin her life. Keep in mind Diana was SUPER SUPER into him.

WHICH LED TO THIS DISASTER:

Charles went into this marriage feeling bound by duty, figuring Diana was game, that he could make her happy, that he was doing the right thing, and that she’d be along for the ride --- which included the model of marriages they were both used to.

He was VERY WRONG.

Diana went into her marriage completely in love, knowing that Charles had girlfriends, knowing adultery was the norm, believing she’d be a game-changer.

She was technically right, but NOT in the way she imagined. She fell for the fairy-tale Charles thought they were merely selling to the public. She was an emotionally unstable 19-year-old with severe family baggage, and Charles was an emotionally stunted prince with his head shoved right up his royal butt.

What a winner.

THIRD OF ALL, NO.

Remember that Kanga lady from the picture above? Lady Tryon was a business woman and fashion designer. And one of Charles’s mistresses.

She was Camilla’s rival. NOT Diana’s.

See that dress Diana is wearing at Live Aid? Designed by Kanga, Charles’s mistress. Yes, Diana knew who Kanga was and the nature of her relationship with Charles. At this point, Diana was cured of her delusions and was onto her own affairs. She and Kanga became friends and basically allied against Camilla.

At this point, Diana accepted that she and her husband would not be faithful to one another (it’s worth noting that during the early years of their marriage, both of them WERE supposedly faithful. Charles had his last run-in with Camilla the night before the wedding and kept away from both her and Kanga at least until Harry was conceived. But he also basically told Diana at that point that eventually, he’d be bed-hopping again. Basically, he knew Diana would have to be faithful until an heir and spare were produced and seemed to consider it fair play that he not indulge while she couldn’t. If that sounds completely fucked up THAT’S BECAUSE IT WAS). She gradually stopped caring about Charles cheating. She just hated that it was with Camilla. She very quickly embarked on a string of affairs of her own.

----And yes, Charles was a douche. He was also dealing with a wife he did NOT understand who had severe mental health issues.

Diana did things like call Camilla late at night to tell her that there was a man waiting outside, hired to kill her. She would also sometimes abscond with Baby Harry and William without telling Charles or anyone. Not a big deal in a normal family. But they’re royalty. So basically, she was happy to let her husband go into a panic about his sons possibly being kidnapped because he had no idea where the fuck they were. Keep in mind that Charles’s own sister was nearly abducted in 1974 by a gunman and that in 1982, THE VERY YEAR WILLIAM WAS BORN, a man had snuck into the Queen’s bed in the middle of the night carrying a shard of broken glass. So, yeah, Diana grabbing the boys and taking them to Windsor Castle without telling anyone, including her husband? SUPER SHITTY.

Charles tried to get Diana help, but she didn’t trust him whatsoever (because of course she fucking didn’t, no one would). Diana didn’t start getting proper help for her mental health issues until the separation. But she was prone to fits of extreme paranoia and rage, at one point culminating in her physically attacking Charles while he was praying.

Point is, she had a lot of troubles and instabilities. While Charles and Camilla certainly did not HELP, this was shit that went back years and years. Granted, that WAS exacerbated by royal life, but much of that was the strain of royal work --- constant travel, unending media scrutiny, a ton of fame all at once --- and the intense workload she was given when she became Princess of Wales did not help, either. Diana was young, troubled, and had a ton of issues.

BUT

Charles did not ruin her life. Nor did Camilla. Especially since Diana was kind of a badass.

(Pictured: Badass Diana badassing through her badass post-divorce life like a badass)

She wasn’t a Rhodes Scholar, but she was a freaking genius at handling the press and an unparalleled activist. And she got some terrific revenge on her cheating husband, too. She nearly bankrupted him in the divorce (Charles had to borrow money from the queen) and turned him into a villain in the eyes of the press.

Once out of royal life, she felt comfortable enough to get help. She got joint custody of the kids. She found great fulfillment in her activism and did some really fantastic things for causes like AIDS and land mines. She had a string of hot, rich boyfriends who spoiled the crap out of her and she was adored the world over by almost EVERYONE. That even included her ex-father-in-law, Prince Philip, who still signed his letters to her as “Pa.”

Charles nor Camilla could NEVER have hoped to ruin her life. She had too much of it. Diana’s life was ruined by a drunk driver, some paparazzi, and a traffic accident.

(And to those who want to claim that the royal family had her killed: kindly fuck off. Mohammed Fayed has had his case dismissed repeatedly despite numerous appeals and investigations. The only way Prince Philip would have had Diana killed would be if he REALLY REALLY wanted to end the monarchy. Somehow I don’t think an exiled prince-turned-royal-consort wants that. There was nothing the royal family wanted more than to see Diana married off to some rich guy and fade into the background. The LAST thing they would want is for Willam and Harry’s mother to die tragically young and cement herself as an eternal legend. Diana’s death was a fucking nightmare for the BRF personally as well as professionally).

Charles and Camilla, meanwhile?

Camilla kept her head down and did quiet work for osteoperosis research after her mother was afflicted with it. Since becoming Duchess of Cornwall, she’s done extensive work on behalf of rape and sexual assault survivors. Among her initiatives was developing “wash bags” consisting of soaps and towels for victims to use after undergoing their rape kits.

Charles spent years being decried as a complete kook for being all worked up over stupid non-issues you might have heard of --- things like “climate change”, “sustainable farming”, “organic foods”, “the ozone layer” and a supposed “housing crisis” in Britain. Oh, and his lifelong project, The Prince’s Trust, is only one of the most important charitable organizations in the Western World.

youtube

So yeah, if I have to hear one more comment about EEEEEEVIL Charles and Camilla ruining poor, wilting flower Diana’s life again, I’ll see red. It’s insulting to all three of them.

(Once again, for the record, I think monarchy is outdated and dumb, But if you are going to have one, your heir to the throne should be a Charles. Or a Victoria. But if you can’t have a Victoria, you should have a Charles.)

#princess diana #prince charles #camilla parker-bowles #camilla duchess of cornwall #brf #british royal family #royals

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thiccboycalum · 6 years

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Because of You

Authors Note: This is my first time writing something so please don’t hate me if it kinda sucks. I got inspired by the song “Because of You” by Kelly Clarkson, as well as my own personal experience with an absent father. depending on how this goes I might continue with this writing thing. - xo amaya

Warnings: Slight cussing, mentions of an absent parent and abandonment issues

Word Count: 2,600+

Y/N always had her guard up around men for as long as she could remember. Never wanting them to get too close to her in fear they would leave. Just as her father did when she was about five months old.

A brief synopsis of what caused the seemingly perfect family to evidently break to pieces: mom and dad were high school sweethearts, dad cheated on mom with another woman, the woman got pregnant and mom did too, and when both children were born the father chose the other woman and a son. Forgetting he had a whole other child and a partner. Abandoning the both of them.

She always had a resentment towards him. Wondering how a father could just forget they had another child. Never calling, never checking in, not even paying child support. He certainly had the means to, he had some of her family members on facebook, he had some of her immediate families phone numbers. Hell, even his mother, Y/N’s grandmother, had Y/N’s phone number. Yet he still failed to open a line of communication.

Yes, Y/N could have also breached the line of communication, but she felt that he should be the one to do so. He was the one who left after all, he was the one that abandoned his family, just to start a new one all over again. Leaving a first love and a daughter behind in the dust. She always wondered if her ever thought about her. Did he tell people that he had a daughter that he never talked to? Did his two sons know about her? Did they ever talk or even think about her? These are all questions that would pop into Y/N’s head every once in a while.

But it was especially hard when she would go to a friend’s house and see the loving relationship they had with their dads. Of course she would put on a happy exterior, not wanting to ruin any moods, but she couldn’t help but feel jealous. Why couldn’t she have had a normal life and had her father in her life? Why was she put through the emotional pain of having an absent parent? She was just an infant when he left, so how could he just abandon an innocent child that didn’t ask to be in this world?

So ever since that day she built walls to protect her heart that had been broken by the man that was supposed to love her unconditionally. The man that was supposed to set an example of how she should be loved, but how was she supposed to know how a man should treat her if he was never there from the beginning? There had been a few boys that had tried to break those mile high, inches thick walls but none ever succeeded. She would push and push them away in fear of possible abandonment. It wasn’t that she didn’t want it to work out with them, she was afraid. She didn’t trust herself to love anyone because she felt that the moment she would let them in they would bounce. It was hard to trust anyone that wasn’t her family or close friends, and even then she still had a nagging feeling they would leave also.

But that all changed once she met Calum.

He was so incredibly charming and so easy to talk to about anything, but she hadn’t told him about her relationship, or lack thereof, with her father. She never liked talking about it because she never liked the looks of pity she received from others. She only told when she had gotten to know a person for a while. At this moment in time Y/N and Calum had been together for only a few months, but Y/N still held back. She never opened up to him about her past or pretty much anything, solely asking about his family and the relationships he had with his mother and sister. She also never asked about his dad.

Calum found it odd that she never talked about her past or even her family. He loved talking about his family, all the memories the had together. He noticed that when he showed her a family portrait of him, his sister, and parents her eyes lingered on his parents. When he tried to make a joke about how his mother had forced them all to wear matching sweaters and how much they had all hated it he could tell her laugh was faked.

When he would try to flip the subject and have her actually talk about herself she would quickly change the subject about something that had happened that day or the day before. Was it something she was ashamed of? Why did she not want to talk about her family? These questions always nagged at Calum, but he never wanted to push her to talk about something she didn’t want to. He couldn’t help but wonder what had happened. He had also noticed how she had been distant with him and it broke his heart because he truly cared for her. He thought she was absolutely beautiful, had an amazing personality, a pretty banging body, overall just a whole package. He could picture being with her for a long time, but he felt as if they could never progress in their relationship with her keeping her distance.

Tonight was one of those nights where they enjoyed each other's company and watched movies together. Tonights choice of movie was a random one they had found on Netflix that turned out to be worse than they had expected. Calum laying on the couch with Y/N laying her head on his chest, him running her hands through her hair calming her, eventually resulting in her falling asleep on top of him.

Once the movie had ended Calum looked down at the beauty and admired her. Her plump lips partially parted as soft snores left her lips, eyelashes rested gently against her cheeks. He thought she was the most beautiful person he had ever seen, gently pressing his lips lovingly against her forehead.

He was about to put on Friends when he heard a small whimper coming from her. Quickly looking down at Y/N he saw tears streaming down her cheeks.

“Please...don’t leave.”

These words startled Calum immediately coming to the realization that she was having a nightmare. Her tears coming down faster her sobs getting stronger. He quickly shook her trying to wake her, trying to get her out of whatever she was seeing.

“Y/N! Babe wake up!” he continued to shake her until her eyes fluttered open. She became startled once she had realized what had happened. Immediately becoming embarrassed Calum had seen her have one of her notorious nightmares. She sat upright and began wiping her tears away. The two had stayed quiet, Calum waiting to see if she was going to say something, Y/N waiting to see if he was going to say something.

The silence was deafening, seeming lasting hours before Y/N finally decided to break the silence.

“I’m sorry I don’t know what came over me. I’m just gonna go to my room, you should probably head out. It’s getting pretty late.” Quickly brushing of what had just happened as if it was nothing. Pushing herself off the couch, heading through the halls of her apartment so she can just lay on her bed and wallow in her emotions. Leaving Calum on her couch, him still not have said a single word, stunned about what had happened. He knew he couldn’t leave you home alone while you were clearly going through something. Quickly getting up and following you to your room.

He walked up to your closed door and pressed his ear up against the door, listening for signs of you. He could hear muffled sobs through the door. Quietly opening the door to see Y/N’s figure laying with her back against the door, clutching onto one of her pillows, sobbing uncontrollably. Calum quickly moved onto her bed, wrapping an arm around her shaking body.

Y/N jumped at the feeling of the bed dip, and was startled when she felt Calum’s hand wrap around her. She had honestly thought he would have left because that’s what she was used to with past potential lovers. Calum was the first to try and comfort her, and she found it endearing. She turned over so she was facing him, forgetting about the pillow she was clutching on ever so tightly. As soon as she saw his face her sobs got stronger and she nestled her head into his chest, also wrapping her arms around him as best as she could. Calum smoothed her hair with one of his hands and used the other to rub up and down her back. He could feel her tears seep through his shirt, but he didn’t care. His only focus was to calm her down from this nightmare that clearly upset her.

“It’s okay, you’re okay. I’m here.” He could feel tears start to burn at his eyes. He always hated seeing the ones he cared for cry.

“But you won’t be for long.” She managed to say between her sobs. The comment startled Calum, similarly to the one she said when she was asleep.

“Why would you say that babes? I’m here right now aren’t I?”

“But you won’t be for long. You’ll just leave like he did.” Those words hit Calum right in the heart, hating that she thought he would ever leave her. Who was this “he”?

“Leave like who?” he gently grabbed her face in his hands “Babe please talk to me. I need to know how I can make you feel better.” She was hesitant to talk about him. She didn’t want Calum to leave her after he found out about the emotional baggage she carried.

“I can’t tell you.”

“Why not?” Calum sighed, desperate to know how to make her stop feeling this way. She ripped her face from his hand and stood up from the bed. Furiously running her hands through her hair as tears still streamed down her face.

“Because you’ll just abandon me after you find out. You’ll leave with no hesitation once I tell you. I am so emotionally unstable and so fucked up in the head and you’ll just leave. Just like my dad did.” She said the last part so quietly Calum almost didn’t hear it. Suddenly everything started making sense to him. Why you never talked about your family. Why you were constantly asking about his. Why you got so weird after he had shown you family photos.

Your dad abandoned you.

“Babe..what happened?” you could feel the tears coming, but you needed to get this off your chest. You had pushed your emotions down to much and this was your breaking point.

If Calum left, he left. At least you got something good out of this short-lived relationship. You sat back down on the bed next to Calum, not touching him, just sitting near him. She didn’t barely noticed she had stopped crying.

“When I was about five months old my dad left my mom. When I was younger I didn’t really care about him not being there. I had my mom and my grandma and they really kept me from losing my mind, but when I got older I found out the truth about why he left.” Y/N took in a deep breath trying not to cry again. Calum gently held one of her hands and placed their conjoined hands in his lap, motioning her to continue.

“He had cheated on my mom for a while even before she got pregnant with me, but she didn’t know. He told her when she found out she was having me, but it turns out she wasn’t the only one pregnant with his child. He was going to have two babies, one that was going to be born in August with my mom, and one that was going to be born 7 months earlier in January with another woman. When my half brother and I were both born he was around for both of us. Spending time with the both of us, but he wasn’t living with my mom and I. He was living with his other family. Then when I was five months old, he stopped visiting. Stopped calling. Stopped any contact with anyone from my mom’s side of the family. Forgetting that he had a baby girl.” Calum wiped a tear that had fallen from Y/N’s eyes so she could continue.

“When I found that out that’s when the problems started. I started thinking, was I ever good enough for him? Why didn’t he want me? Why did he choose to spend a life with his son when he left his daughter behind like a piece of trash? I cried so much because of him. I started hating myself because I thought I was the reason he left. I thought it was me that did something wrong. That made him leave.” Y/N’s voice started to crack as the tears came back. Calum quickly wrapping his arms around Y/N.

“That was definitely not your fault babes. You were just an innocent child who just wanted to be loved, and your piece of shit father couldn’t even do that. Don’t ever think it was your fault.” Calum could feel his blood boiling and a hatred forming for this unknown man. He wanted to track him down and beat the shit out of him for making you feel this way. He wanted to make him feel just like he made you feel.

“I know but I just couldn’t help it,” Y/N continued after she had calmed down a bit, “but I couldn’t help it. I used to absolutely hate how I looked because I thought that was the reason he left me. I ended up struggling with depression and anxiety as a result of this. I never let anyone in because I believed that if my dad, the only person that’s supposed to love me unconditionally, left me, why wouldn’t anyone else? That’s why I’ve always kept a guard up. Why I’ve always been distant with so many people. With you.” She looked up at him, searching for a reaction or any indication that he was going to leave, bracing herself for another heartache.

But he didn’t.

Calum simply pressed his lips to her, putting as much love into it as he could, gently caressing her cheek. She was taken aback not expecting him to kiss her, but to get up and walk out the door. Nonetheless, she started to kiss him back. When the pulled away he leaned his forehead onto hers. He looked into her eyes trying to figure her out. It was in this moment Calum knew he was in love with her.

Y/N was having a similar moment. It was at this moment that she had realized how much she was in love with the curly haired cutie. If she was quite honest she was scarred. She had never loved a man before, there was still the feeling in her brain that he would leave, but she could feel in her heart that he might not.

“I love you.” Y/N managed to hesitantly let out, hoping he would reciprocate her feelings.

Calum smiled that smile that Y/N loved so very much and placed another kiss on her lips.

“I love you too” He let out with no hesitation once he had pulled away, running his thumb across her cheek. “And I’ll never leave you like he did.”

And Y/N hoped it would be true.

#calum hood #calum Thomas hood #calum hood imagines #calum hood 5sos #calum hood 5 seconds of summer #5sos imagines #5 seconds of summer imagines #michael clifford #michael 5sos #ashton irwin #ashton 5sos #luke 5sos #luke hemmings #5sos #5 seconds of summer

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imaginetonyandbucky · 6 years

Note

au where Bucky was Tony's childhood stuffed bear turned human.

Creature of Comfort (Part 1 of 2)

(A/N: Special thanks to Nix and @summerpipedream forbeing beta readers and helping me edit this story. All of your help has beenmuch appreciated.)

Tony cursed ashe dipped his finger under his eyes to catch his tears before they fell. Heblinked and white-knuckled the steering wheel. It was dangerous enough that hewas driving on two hours of sleep, in the middle of heavy rain, while beingmentally and emotionally unstable. He did not need the added problem of beingunable to see through his tears.

“Stark men don’t cry,” the gruff voice of his fathersaid in Tony’s mind. It was accompanied by the image of his father holding aglass of bourbon. He could smell the alcohol and vividly remember the sheen ofhis father’s wedding ring.

The tearsreturned. “Damn you, old man.” The ingrained lesson in Tony’s brain warred withTony’s rebellious streak.

“Your father is old fashioned, and is terrible when it comes toemotions. If you need to cry, then cry.” In Tony’s mind, his mothersmiled as she played the piano.

Tony took adeep breath. His chest ached as he struggled to draw air in evenly and not sob.He took a few more breaths until he felt calmer.

He could dothis. He’d made this drive before.

Not far in thedistance, red emergency lights and flares, caught Tony’s attention. A car wasparked on the side of the road with two figures beside it. The figures hadpopped the hood of the car open. Without umbrellas, the rain had drenched them.

Tony couldn’ttake another bad thing happening today. He turned on his blinker, merged ontothe side of the road, and parked. He reached into the backseat of his car andgrabbed his coat, an umbrella, and his roadside kit. He wrestled the coat on,then hurried out of the car, wasting no time in opening the umbrella. Hemarched through the rain toward the broken car and its owners.

“Do you needany help?” Tony shouted over the rain.

(Mobile Users: Read More Line)

The figuresstartled and turned. Through the sheets of rain, Tony could make out the facesof a girl and boy about his age, maybe older. Chunks of white hair poked out fromthe boy’s hood. The dark tones in the boy’s facial hair suggested that thewhite on his head was unnatural.

“You know howto fix a car?” The boy asked.

“I do. Mightnot have the tools though.” As Tony got close enough, he could see the smudgesof heavy makeup on the boy and the girl. The two looked like they were tryingto imitate either the punk scene or the goth scene, whichever got to take thecredit for the use of the heavy eyeliner today.

The girl stoodaside and waved Tony toward the engine. “Please, take a look.”

“Anything for alady.” Tony handed the girl his umbrella. He waved the boy over to join thegirl under its protection. “You get under there too. Can’t have both of yougetting sick.”

Tony peeked atthe engine. At a glance, it looked fine. He hovered his hand over the engine.Still warm. Better to eyeball it for now and not dive in with his hands. Didn’tmean there weren’t other ways he could check the engine.

“May I lookaround the driver’s seat?” Tony asked. “I need to access the wires there.”

The girlnodded. She relinquished the umbrella to the boy, as she unlocked the driverseat for Tony.

Tony peeled offthe panel under the steering wheel, and fumbled through the wires until hefound the ones he wanted. He hefted his roadside kit onto the driver’s floorand opened it. He combed through the cluttered contents until he found hisdiagnostics tool. Tony held up the device like a plaque proclaiming his successfor the boy and girl to see. “Mind turning on the car? I’d do it myself, but Idon’t want you to think I’m going to drive off with it.”

“Oh no. Wedon’t mind at all.” The girl left the shelter of the umbrella once again. Shescooted past Tony to turn on the car.

With thevehicle running, Tony hooked up the diagnostics tool. He waited until thedevice lit up with a number. He grimaced. “Did you take a nasty dip recently?”

The girl shookher head, but the boy nodded. When the girl noticed her companion’s movements,she gaped at him. “Pietro! Why didn’t you say something?”

Pietro looked offended.“Don’t take that tone with me, sister. You’ve taken dips too, and the car hasbeen fine before.”

“Has it it beenleaking?” Tony interrupted the family squabble.

“It’s alwaysdripped a little,” Pietro answered.

Tony wastempted to pinch the bridge of his nose. “Has it been leaking more?”

“Yes, Pietro,”the girl said sarcastically. “Has it been leaking more?”

“Ha. Ha. Veryfunny, Wanda. Yes, Mr. Mechanic Man. It’s been leaking more.”

“Tony,” heoffered his name. “You’ve got a crack. Possibly more than one if it wasdripping before your dip. Unfortunately, that means you’re going to have tocall a tow truck and take this car to a real mechanic.”

Pietro vocallycussed; whereas, Wanda mumbled her curse words.

Tony lookedaround to see how far the closest phone was along the side of the road. Therain was so heavy though, he couldn’t see anything. “Wait in the car.” Tonypointed to the siblings’ vehicle then hurried to his car. He went around to thepassenger side, opened the door, then pulled out his cell phone from the glovecompartment. It was a clunky thing with an antenna.

When the daycame that Tony needed a break from working on artificial intelligence, he’dbuild a sleeker and better phone. For now though, artificial intelligencecame first.

Tony carriedthe phone over to the car where the siblings had taken shelter. Wanda had herwindow rolled down. She leaned her head out of the window as Tony neared.Before she could get a word out, Tony handed over his cell phone. “Makewhatever calls you need.”

“Thank you,”Wanda hollered over the gust of wind that howled and batted at Tony. She turnedto Pietro and said something to him. Pietro searched through their glovecompartment and pulled out a small binder.

Tony shivered.“I’ll wait in my car. Come get me once you’ve got everything settled.”

Wanda nodded asshe punched in a phone number into the phone.

Tony did as hesaid he would. Once inside his car, he shedded his jacket, turned on theengine, and blasted heat through the car. His jacket had protected him frommost of the rain, but without a proper hood, he’d still gotten soaked along hisshoulders from the rain sneaking in under his jacket.

Tony rubbed hishands together and waited.

A few minuteslater, Wanda knocked on his window. He rolled it down for her, and she thrusthis phone at him. “Thank you, Tony. Pietro and I don’t know what we would havedone without you.”

“No problem. AsI said, always happy to help out a lady.” Tony grinned flirtatiously, althoughhis heart wasn’t in it.

“No. We areindebted to you.” Wanda fished around in her pocket. She struggled with theumbrella in her grasp as she patted herself down. Eventually, she pulled out acard. She tucked the umbrella under her arm so she could clasp the card betweenher palms. She held her hands up to her lips, and murmured what had to be aprayer. She then handed the card to Tony. “If it is in my power then may thenext wish you make come true.”

Tony read thecard. “Tomes and Tomes of Books?” Tony read the names and address on the card.“You two own a bookstore?”

Wanda nodded.“We do. Feel free to visit. Hold on to the card for more than that though. Itis the vessel for my desire.”

Tony blinkedthen went cross-eyed as he reexamined the card. “Your desire?”

“For your nextwish to come true.”

Tony eyedWanda. She didn’t look like the hippie type. “Are you a punk witch orsomething?”

Wanda smiled.She closed the umbrella and handed it back to Tony. “Thank you again. The towtruck will be here soon. We appreciate all of your help.” Wanda made a dashfor her car.

Tony frowned ather business card. He shrugged and pocketed it.

Tony waiteduntil the tow truck showed up to take off and continue his journey.

It was thelongest yet fastest journey of his life. While the drive felt like it wasdragging at first, the closer he got to his parents’ home the faster it felt,and the more he realized he was not ready. He was never going to be readythough, so he pressed on, pulled up to the front gate, and waited for thesecurity system to recognize his car. He then drove through and up the shortpath to the front of the house where he parked.

Tony turned offthe car. The rain had lessened and the sun fought to break through the clouds.Tony touched his shoulder. His shirt was a tad damp, but had dried significantlyduring the drive. Running out of ways to delay the inevitable, Tony took a deepbreath and stepped out of the car. He locked and closed it then headed up theporch steps.

He fumbled withhis keys as he searched for the right one.

His eyeswatered and he blinked.

He could dothis.

Tony found thekey and unlocked the door.

As the frontdoor swung open, the air was sucked out of Tony’s lungs. Everything was as heremembered it. His mother’s flowers. The photos on the walls. The curtains. Thechairs. The sofa. The carpets. The grand piano in the family room. The kitchen.Everything was the same as when he had last seen it.

Of course itwas all the same though. It wasn’t like he hadn’t been there before they left.Before the car accident.

He might haveeven been in his room, getting ready for a party when the accident hadoccurred. He hadn’t been home when the police had tried to contact him.

And now thehouse and everything in it was his. He was going to have to go through it alland figure out what he was going to do with it. He could keep everything intheory, but the thought left him feeling sick. If he didn’t try to get rid ofat least a few things, then he never would. He couldn’t allow himself suchweakness. He had to be strong.

Unfortunately,the sight of his parents’ home was too powerful a blow. He needed to retreat.

Tony raced upthe stairs to his room. To his sanctuary.

Tony relaxed ashe entered his room. He still felt the weight of his grief, but it was easierto see his things. He didn’t have to think about whether or not he would keepthe robot dog that sat on his nightstand. There was no question about if heshould throw away his band posters. His three toolboxes under his bed were hisuntil he broke all of the tools inside them, or found better ones. Bucky Bearwould continue to sleep on his bed and guard it while Tony was out.

Tony wonderedif there was still a bottle of scotch tucked in his nightstand.

Feeling toomuch and needing to feel less, Tony trudged to his nightstand to find the answer.He was relieved when he opened the drawer to find a half-full bottle of theamber liquid stored away. He took off the bottle cap and downed a mouthful ofthe beverage. With a deep breath, he flopped onto his bed, knocking over Bucky.

He grumbled ashe picked up the teddy bear and plopped Bucky in his lap. He adjusted hisposture so his knees bent and braced him, while also holding Bucky in theperfect spot for Tony to sling his arm around the toy. His heart squeezed atthe familiar and comforting softness of Bucky. He rubbed Bucky’s belly, feelingthe brown, satin-like fur across along his fingertips.

His throatached with the need to sob. His butler Jarvis had given him Bucky. He couldhear the man’s words, even though it had been years since he’d last heardJarvis’ voice.

“Everyone needs a companion and confidant. This bear is perfect atkeeping secrets and he will always be there to comfort you.”

Tony couldstill recall the way Jarvis had smiled when Tony had informed him that Howardwould not approve.

“Your father will question it. Perhaps one day he will even try totake the bear away, because he feels you are too old. If you love this bear andtake good care of it, no matter what your father may think, this bear willalways be with you.”

Jarvis had beenright. Howard had made his comments and gripes about Tony having Bucky, but henever took Bucky away.

Tony tookanother gulp of scotch and hugged Bucky like he was a lifeline. He gasped as hepried the bottle from his mouth and set it on the nightstand. His hand quaked,and he longed to pick up the bottle again. He couldn’t do that though. He’dalready drunk himself stupid yesterday. All he had ended up with was a ragingheadache, a sour taste in his mouth, and feeling just as much grief as he didbefore. This time he would just take the edge off, and not blackout.

Tony wrappedboth arms around Bucky and squeezed. A voice in the back of his head, urged himto get up and work on sorting through things.

He should atleast go to his father’s office and pull out the contracts there. The lawyersof his father’s company were already hard at work making sure the companytransferred to Tony seamlessly. There might be a document in Howard’s officethat could aid them, or perhaps there was something Howard had been working onbefore he’d died that would need Tony’s attention immediately. The last thingTony needed was to be blindsided by a lawsuit, or demands from another companybecause of a deal Howard made in secret.

Tony forcedhimself off the bed. He clung to Bucky as he trudged through the empty hall tohis father’s office. His body tensed as he turned the knob to the office. Hecould hear his father shouting at him for entering without knocking, except hisfather wasn’t there.

His father’soffice was as immaculate and dark as ever. The high windows brought in whatlittle sunlight the rainy day possessed, but the light couldn’t combat the darkwood that made up the walls and furniture of the office.

Tony went tothe plush, green chair at the mahogany desk, and cautiously sat. Once again hecould hear the echo of his father yelling at him, and it had him on edge. Hetucked Bucky into the crook of his elbow and kissed the bear’s head. “He wassuch an angry old man.”

Tony yankedopen the bottom drawer of the desk and pulled out all of the files. His headspun at all of the folders and paper shoved inside. What the desk contained wasonly a fraction of the paperwork Tony would have to sift through. There werecabinets and cupboards full of binders and folders that Tony would have toread. That didn’t include the items on Howard’s computer or the stuff kept atStark Industries.

Tony rubbedBucky’s belly as he opened the first folder. “This is a going to be a longday.”

It was. Evenwith his familiarity of Stark Industries, in his current state of mind, hestruggled to process what he was reading. It was almost unheard of for him. Thelast time he’d struggled to memorize anything was after Jarvis’ death.

Tony swalloweda lump in his throat. He blinked. His eyes felt heavy and dry. He’d finishedreading the files in the desk and had gone through four cabinets. He wasn’tsure what time it was, but it was pitch black outside.

He could pushhimself. He did it all the time. This time, however, he couldn’t bring himself topush through his exhaustion.

Tony collectedBucky into his arms and abandoned the office for his bedroom.

The moment Tonylaid eyes on his bed, he was done for. Exhaustion knocked into him like afreight train, and he collapsed onto the mattress. He was too tired to lift hisblankets, so he curved into a ball around Bucky to keep himself warm. Heburrowed his face at the top of Bucky’s head.

“I wish youwere human.” Tony’s voice cracked at the confession.

He felt soalone and hollow. He’d been able to contact his best friend Rhodey to share thenews with him, but Rhodey was stuck at his assigned location. Tony was happythat his friend was building a career in the military, but at that moment, allhe felt was a sickening bitterness and resentment for the fact that he couldn’thave his best friend when he needed him most. No amount of telling himself thatit wasn’t Rhodey’s fault he couldn’t come could diminish the vile feeling.

Wishing hisbear was human did though.

Hurt andloneliness rose up in Tony like a tidal wave. It crashed into him and filledhim with such raw emotion, and it felt good.

Tony clung toBucky as he sobbed. “If you were human, you could talk, and you could,” Tonychoked on what he wanted to say. It sounded so stupid and cornbally. He wasalone though, so why the hell should he care? “You could hug me too. God, Ican’t believe I want a goddamn hug like some little kid, but…” Tony tuckedBucky under his chin, and pressed Bucky so close, his curves and fluff wereflattened. “I just need to feel loved right now.” Tony chuckled dryly. A sobslipped in between bitter chuckles. “You love me. We’ve been together forevernow. Doesn’t matter how stupid I act, or if I left you behind a couple of timesI was at MIT. You’re always there.”

Tony pulled Buckyout from under his chin to look the bear in the eye.

Bucky looked atTony as he always did: with a smile on his face.

Tony rolled over on top of Bucky and squashed him. He shoved hisface in his pillow. “Stupid bear.”

#winteriron #tony x bucky #tony stark #bucky barnes #teddy bear bucky #alternate universe #prompts #akira of the twilight #Anonymous

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pinkipie100 · 7 years

Note

Hi there. I read your analysis about The Voltron Show and I really liked it! At one point in that analysis, you mentioned that you feel the Voltron fandom is too quick to feel offended over how Hunk is portrayed in the show. Do you think it's possible that you could elaborate on that, if you wanted? And do you feel that this "overly-sensitive attitude" within the fandom extends to Lance's portrayal in the show as well?

Me? 27000 years late to an ask? HA HA HA!

…Always. Sorry, @thenorthernphoenix, I’ve been absent for quite a while, and I totally forgot my askbox was a thing.

Anyway, a thousand times thank you for reading my meta! To answer your question, and I may receive a lot of heat for this, but I think the Voltron crew have handled Hunk’s portrayal well, actually, and I’ll explain why. Hopefully concisely. Definitely not concisely.

First of all, Hunk is fat. Can we just… admit that? He’s fat. THAT IS OKAY. THAT IS SO OKAY. In fact, I think it’s important for boys who are also overweight to see. They need to know that they can still be the hero, despite their size. I know that a lot of the body positivity schtick has to do with encouraging women to feel comfortable with their bodies regardless of weight, but it’s really important for men, as well! Men probably have a tough time dealing with their body image because they’re expected not to care, but they’re also expected to simultaneously having ridiculously hypermasculine, ripped bodies, or they’re not really ‘a man,’ you know? But if people see Hunk and realize that this guy, yes, is overweight, but still kicks ass and is even the strongest paladin [stronger than Shiro!], that’ll give them just the encouragement they need. [Plus, Hunk is really f*ckin’ hot.]

Second of all, HUNK LIKES FOOD A F*CKING LOT. CAN WE ALSO ACKNOWLEDGE THIS?!?!?! Okay, I apologize, I’m getting heated… I just notice that people get extremely angry when Hunk is shown going crazy over food. I just… Of course he will act that way around food, he’s a foodie! Is it funny? Yeah. Does that mean we’re supposed to respect him any less? Of course not! Look, I’m not overweight, but I’m still a foodie! I, in fact, may or may not love food a bit too much in the most weird of ways! [-Food fetish much, Pinki? -Shut the fuh!] I honestly find it laughably relatable when Hunk drools at the sight of a delicious-looking hors d’oeurvre, or climbs over the invisible maze’s walls to get to a fine alien pastry! Like, f*cking me too, Hunk! I don’t know, maybe I’m being insensitive and stupid, but I don’t view Hunk as any less of a character because he’s very food-crazy. Last time I checked, though, no one was up in arms about Po using food to motivate him to become the Dragon Warrior.

I get it, this is just my own opinion. I like to believe that I’m being sensible, though. I’ll admit that, yes, the food jokes get a little old sometimes, but hey, they are still tasteful [dammit… I… I swear I didn’t mean to pun there]. Hunk is always depicted as a master of his craft, educated in the ways of the kitchen. He doesn’t just make junk food, either, he can cook meats; pastas; god forbid, vegetables! Take a look at any other kid’s show, and tell me if you find a fat character who is treated respectfully by their friends like Hunk, is as intelligent as Hunk, and is as three-dimensional as Hunk. Seriously, lemme know, I think I’d give the show a try, if that’s the case.

*whispers* Am I getting long-winded yet…

Okay, now for the second part of your question, I could go on for days about how the fandom basically becomes a volatile gershderned cult when it comes to Lance. The fandom is sensitive about Hunk’s portrayal, no doubt, no doubt- but when it comes to Lance, oh ho, they take it to an entirely new level!

Violent discourse has broken out surrounding Lance’s race, sexuality, mental state, personality, and hell, even his g*ddamn last name! I’m not at all ashamed to say, all of it has been bullsh*t. The f*ckers Lance stans of this fandom will only accept Lance one way, and that seems to be as a 100000% Cuban, 0.00000% American, Not Straight™, mentally unstable, delicately insecure flower that a) must be protected at all costs and b) crying 24/7 unless Keith is there to comfort him. Any time the show contradicts this, it’s the executive producers’ heads.

Voltron Fandom, come close… gather round the fire… I’m about to clear a few things up for you:

One, Lance is a Lady’s Man. YEAH, I SAID IT, AND I WOULD 100% SWOON IF HE USED A PICKUP LINE ON ME, SO FIGHT ME! Heh, but seriously, he likes women. And, you know what? Women like him! Almost every time he flirts with a woman, she shows interest back! …save Allura, but I think we can tell from Lance’s vlog that it’s because he genuinely likes her and doesn’t really know how else to approach her. Does that mean he’s straight? Uh oh… Uh oh… UH OH! IT MIGHT! Well, it might not. He could still be bisexual with a preference for women, which I honestly buy a lot more than him being flamboyantly attracted to both sexes. We can’t assume nothin’ until it’s outright stated, but until then, the fandom needs to be aware that Lance’s actual sexuality is pretty much up in the air.

B, Lance is Cuban. I love this about him, but when people start to throw sh*t when people headcanon him as mixed or possibly born in America or having a Western last name, it kind of ticks me off. Like, what’s wrong with being a little bit white? Does that diminish the value he may have of his Cuban roots? I’m mostly white, but does that make me not give a sh*t about my Chamorro heritage? Of course not! My mom has a Western maiden name, but that doesn’t mean she’s not Chamorro, too! If Lance had a Cuban last name, that’s so great! If he has a Western name, it’s not ‘giving in to the White Man.’ It’s probably just the result of some intermixing with Western people somewhere along his family line, and it could have been generations ago, anyway. About him being Cuban-American… Look, I think Americans can be pretty sh*tty and our country is f*cked up, but I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. So there’s absolutely nothing wrong with Lance being American-born and proud to be it.

III, stop. Making. Lance. Helpless. Nnkey? I like Langst. I do. But please, administer it in moderation! Write/draw it sensibly! I’m incredibly tired of seeing Lance portrayed by fans as some unstable, immature, dependent crybaby who is unable to control his emotions or stand without the constant support of a Love Interest™ [it’s usually Keith, and as a stalwart Laith shipper, I am sick of this]. I think that, even beginning from the S1-S2 hiatus, the fandom read a bit too deeply into Lance’s impending insecurity arc, and we all got so hyped up to see it, we were disappointed when it wasn’t immediately addressed. I’ve probably said it a thousand times, but once more, with feeling: Lance’s arc will be slow-burn. We’ll get snippets of his insecurities here and there, just breadcrumbs that will lead up to the climax of his arc, and it’ll be awesome. But, the fandom needs to have patience until then. I hold faith upon faith in the creators, especially Joaquim dos Santos [Mr. Lance-Is-My-Favorite-Paladin himself], to deliver a delicately laid story unfolding around Lance that we will all love once complete, and wonder why we were ever upset.

In conclusion, I very much agree that the fandom is WAY too overly sensitive about how Lance is portrayed in-canon, and it’s actually warping their perceptions of reality. They think that they’re the only ones who know what Lance is really like, and that the writers of the actual g*ddamn show are ‘doing it wrong.’ In the show, Lance is friendly, dorky, funny, cocky, emotionally mature, perceptive, and realistic. Fanon Lance is emotionally unstable, dependent, unconfident, incapable, tortured, bullied, and underrated by his teammates. This is not to say that Canon Lance isn’t insecure and somewhat misunderstood by his friends, but he is mature in managing those insecurities and confiding in others [e. g. seeking solace with Keith, believing in Allura]. I just think Lance is a LOT tougher than his stans give him credit for, and I really love that about his arc; he won’t have to be that tough forever, and when he finally lets his barriers down, it is gonna be. Just what the doctor ordered.

ANYWHALE! I apologize for writing basically another meta in response to your ask, especially considering you sat through my whole ‘Voltron Show’ meta! I am so glad you asked, though. I know my wording here is very strong, but I think it’s better for me to be analytically bold than to be apologetically opinionated.

Seriously, thanks again for reading the meta and facilitating discussion about it; you’re an absolute dream! Sorry for being late to answer, and enjoy the rest of your ventures through fandom and meta thereupon!

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textsfromumbridge · 7 years

Text

All the men and women merely players (2/5)

So this maybe got a little out of hand - as usual.

As always, dedicated to @catty-words and @rebeccaplimpton because they’re the absolute best.

This is my Thanksgiving gift to all of you.

.....

CHAPTER TWO: Get your head outta the game (AO3)

The Gods were punishing him for something, that much was obvious.

For some disgusting reason his body had suddenly decided to be attracted to one Rebecca Nora Bunch. After all the time he spent taking care of himself, of his body, it was now suddenly rebelling against him and his wishes.

And by taking care of his body he did indeed mean the occasional bout of masturbation if there were no willing girls available. And lately there had been very few girls who had met his exacting standards. There just weren’t any tens - or even nines - left at Rodgers Academy who he hadn’t already banged.

Very disappointing.

But the lack of female company did not mean that his body had to have a dick aneurysm and decide that it was suddenly attracted to Bunch of all people.

There had to be something medically wrong with him.

She was annoying, not all that attractive, and completely uninterested in him as a person or as a sexual object. Well, okay maybe not that last one because he could have sworn that he saw a hint of interest in her eyes at that fateful rehearsal.

Wishful thinking? Not at all. He didn’t actually want her to show any interest - sure, it was super flattering to his ego to think that even a theater geek like her would totally want to bang him, and maybe she’d want to let him get up close and personal with that chest, and… wait, what was he saying?

Right, he didn’t actually want her to be interested. Because he wasn’t interested either. This was just a boner aneurysm. A one time, involuntary bodily response that had nothing to do with actual interest in Bunch.

It was never going to happen again - yeah, as long as it didn’t happen again he was totally fine. There was no need to get dramatic about it.

Clearly being around the dweebs had infected him with their drama. One inconvenient boner did not a real interest make, he just had to remember that.

He’d just turned eighteen - anything could make him pop a boner. Linoleum could do it - so there was no point in reading into this one awkward moment with Bunch. Not at all.

Except he was forced to be around her all the damn time now.

“Nathaniel,” she found him in the hallway. “I know you’re embarrassed to be seen with me in public, but Mr. Whitefeather called an extra practice for this Saturday, and you are the only person who refuses to be part of our group chat.”

It was best not to look at her, just to be sure that there weren’t any residual effects of that dance rehearsal.

“Group chats are unprofessional and a waste of my time,” he dug into his locker with a vengeance. “What is the extra rehearsal for?”

He was supposed to spend Saturday either making valuable connections or splitting it between the gym and his homework. Responsibilities always came first, and surely Father was going to get suspicious soon.

This was what living on borrowed time felt like.

“Something about teambuilding,” Bunch was standing a little too close. “The relationships have to feel real, according to him.”

The relationship felt real enough when her boobs were practically in his face, but if Mr. Whitefeather needed more from them, he could probably make that happen.

As long as he did not actually have to spend any time with the other idiots that were in the group. He did not need to be doing any trust exercises - he didn’t trust any of these idiots, except maybe Bunch.

Ugh, no. Why was that thought even in his head?

“And he couldn’t tell us this in rehearsal about five minutes from now?” he just now made that connection.

He blamed Bunch’s surprisingly low-cut top for his inability to focus. Of course, now that Josh Chan was supposedly single again, she had to start making an effort.

Not that he minded the new look.

“You know he’ll be too busy staring at Mr. Wilson to remember anything else,” Bunch was almost smiling. “Wanna walk to rehearsal together?”

This was getting way too ridiculously high school for his tastes. Was she going to ask him to carry her books next?

“Why?”

“I need Josh to see me with another guy,” she was surprisingly upfront about it. “He’s dragging his feet.”

Of course he was - Josh Chan was completely incapable of making decisions for himself. Unless someone forced him to make a choice, and Bunch seemed almost sad about being forced to wait still.

“Fine,” he rolled his eyes. “You can pretend you have friends.”

“I have friends,” Bunch protested. “I definitely have friends.”

The guidance counselor did not count. He almost wanted to say that, but then he looked at her face and actually second-guessed himself. She looked defensive, and more than a little sad.

She was very aware of just how pathetic she seemed - of how lonely she truly was.

He should have disabused her of those illusions of friendship, should have just broken it to her in his typical forthright style.

But he didn’t.

“You have all the friends,” he only sounded the slightest bit sarcastic as he slammed his locker shut.

Sure, he started walking before she was ready to leave, but his strides were a lot smaller than usual, just to give her a little time to catch up.

This spelled trouble.

------

Josh Chan did not want to dance with her.

Finally he was talking to her again, but it was only to tell her that it would be a bad idea for the two of them to start dating so soon after he and Valencia had broken up. It would piss her off too much, and seeing as she was doing theater with Rebecca, Josh just did not want to risk her getting bullied by Valencia and her minions.

Well, not any more than she already was.

It was so sweet of him to worry about her like that. He totally cared about her, and he still wanted to kiss her. He did still kiss her - behind closed doors, but still.

Rebecca Nora Bunch was the clear winner here.

She was.

She just had to keep reminding herself of that while she was faced with a very emotionally unstable Valencia Perez in rehearsal on Saturday.

First of all, it was super disconcerting to see that the head cheerleader had any kind of sincere emotions. She faked it really well for the pep rallies - like, disturbingly well - but it was very obvious to all the students that there was not actually a soul in that ridiculously flexible body of hers.

Valencia made her suffer from all kinds of body envy - she had the conventionally beautiful looks that Rebecca absolutely would have killed for. What? A little murder never hurt - okay so it did.

Being the fat chick even when she wasn’t technically overweight - it was not very fun. And girls like Valencia, with the snide comments and the whispers and stares, they were the ones who made her feel both small and enormous in all the worst ways.

“Men are the worst,” Valencia proclaimed as she daintily crossed her legs.

“The worst,” Heather Davis echoed, looking off into the distance.

Ugh, she hated that her first instinct was to do some lame “not all men” kind of thing. Because right now, generalizing all men seemed like the most realistic way to go through life - men really were the worst. They all left and there was no way she could depend on any of them. She could only depend on Paula.

“Don’t get me started on men,” she felt obligated to join in.

Because really, they were right and if they were old enough they would have had a ton of alcohol and continued in this vein for the rest of the weekend. She just really didn’t want to get started on her particular issues with the male gender and a certain specific bro type of dude. That would stir up the hornet’s nest.

“Don’t get me started on men,” Valencia actually seemed to be indifferent to her now - progress.

“Totally,” Heather nodded sagely.

Seriously, was that girl high all the time or just supremely uninterested in life in general? It seemed impossible to figure out. Or maybe it was just both. She wasn’t going to judge - she was way too invested in life. Maybe it was just a lot less painful to not care.

“Are my stepsisters actually getting along?” Mr. Whitefeather was thrilled, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

Maybe if they played up on their newfound sisterhood he wouldn’t make them do any more trust falls or any of those exercises that involved being blinded.

Sure, she could work with these people, and had been working with some of them for several years now. But that did not mean she trusted them. Too many people thought it was just hilarious to drop her a little bit too far, or to lead her into a wall.

Yes, forever damaging someone’s trust in not only them, but everyone else, it was just… gut-bustingly hilarious.

“Those exercises really worked, Mr. Whitefeather,” she took the lead.

“Absolutely,” Heather drew a random symbol in the margins of her script.

She’d been off book sooner than most others - seemed like the stoner girl was actually a lot smarter than people gave her credit for.

Besides, Heather was totally going to pull off the redemption arc - she just had that vibe that made people wanna root for her. Maybe someone could work out a way to bottle that, because nobody ever wanted to root for Rebecca.

That hideous thought made her look away from the girls.

Of course she winded up locking eyes with the one person who’d never rooted for her - heck, he’d actively rooted for her to fail: Nathaniel freaking Plimpton. He was forced to work with Grant (that was totally his name), and clearly he was not having a lot of fun. Just the look on his haughty, aristocratic face was enough to put a smile back on hers.

He totally deserved everything he was getting. So there.

“Surprisingly, I agree,” Valencia wasn’t even lying much.

“Girls, you are true professionals,” Mr. Whitefeather almost skipped back to the boys’ side of the stage, where Geoff almost slapped Nathaniel in the face with a prop.

Ah yes, this was why this guy was just the understudy and not supposed to actually be on stage with any of them. There had better not be any broken limbs or diseases in this cast - having to go out on stage with that guy was a nightmare come true.

She actually preferred Nathaniel, which almost came as a shock. He’d been surprisingly not terrible lately. She just hoped he wouldn’t go soft.

“So, Stepsister’s Lament?” Heather was the one to get them back to work. “We could make that a lot funnier.”

Yes, a good work ethic. She could definitely work with that. They were absolutely going to be a highlight of the show if she had anything to say about that - and she usually had a lot to say about everything.

“Dude,” Nathaniel suddenly exclaimed.

She had to look, how could she not?

Somehow idiot Graham had spilled a hot beverage onto Nathaniel’s shirt. How did that idiot even get a hold of coffee? She would murder someone for a cup right about now.

The good part of the spillage? Nathaniel, in his fear of getting burnt on his tight abs, had yanked off his shirt, leaving him shirtless and glowing under the stage lights. How did he get that tan all over? It seemed like it was all over, anyway, and she absolutely would not mind finding out if she was right about that. Hot damn.

“Would you mind not staring at your boyfriend all the time?” Valencia broke through the fog.

Josh? Was Josh here?

Okay, so Josh wasn’t actually her boyfriend, but he probably would be soon. Not that Valencia should be aware of that at this point in time. Weird.

“Plimpton,” Valencia clearly didn’t see the truth. “I know he’s half naked over there and being all buff, but we actually have things to do here.”

Yes, focus. It was important to focus. On something other than those positively lickable - oh God she needed to slap herself in the face because distracting herself from all the yummy was not going to work without a good hard slap.

Just because Nathaniel was hot, didn’t mean he wasn’t Satan. Or Satan’s lapdog, really, because his father seemed a lot worse and -

Focus, Bunch!

------

He’d be lying his tight ass off if he said he’d never been to the guidance counselor’s office before. He probably qualified for some kind of frequent visitor program by now (what would the benefits even be like for that?). Every time his mother had another episode that was completely ignored by his father, he was forced there to talk about his feelings.

He had none. No emotions for Nathaniel Plimpton.

Mrs. Proctor didn’t want him there any more than he wanted to be there, so she didn’t mind if he just did his homework or played around on his phone just so they could both claim they had those meetings without lying too much. The principal just did not let him get away with not attending a meeting, not anymore. After half a dozen episodes just during his high school years, there was no excuse they had not heard already.

This was the first time that Mrs. Proctor had actually scheduled a meeting with him without being prompted – meaning, forced – to do so by the powers that be. He was one hundred percent sure she didn’t just stop hating him – Mrs. Proctor was absolutely the type to hold a grudge to the grave. He almost respected her for that.

Almost – because being, shudder, “besties” with a student and using her teacher powers to track every move Josh Chan made? Kind of really out of bounds. There had to be rules against using confidential information to get a student laid.

Well, that was his ammo, and he was probably going to need it.

“What are your intentions towards my Cookie?” Mrs. Proctor was looking down at him.

She’d made him sit down and then stood up so that she appeared even the slightest bit intimidating by looming over him. Her height did not exactly scare him.

And neither did the fact that her snacks seemed to be her first priority. He would never eat a cookie, so why was he a suspect in this weird snack-related mystery?

Did she even have any idea about what kind of garbage people put in baked goods? They were ridiculously fattening and unlike some people at this school, he cared about maintaining a perfect physique.

People had noticed - even Mrs. Proctor. Even Bu- bunches of people who weren’t ogling his abs in rehearsal last weekend. Not that he had been looking at her, of course.

“Cookie?” he dumbly repeated.

“Rebecca Bunch,” Mrs. Proctor huffed.

Right, like it wasn’t completely unprofessional for their guidance counselor to have a motherly nickname for a student. Or any kind of nickname, really. And letting him hear her using that nickname was a whole new level of bad.

Like, blackmail potential bad, which was always a good thing for him.

“My intentions towards Bunch?” he started by repeating the question just to drive Mrs.Proctor completely up the wall.

He sounded like the mere idea of him having any sort of intentions towards Bunch was ludicrous. He did, right?

Wait, did he have intentions towards Bunch?

Nah, just the idea of that... Ludicrous. Ridiculous. Insert clever SAT synonym here.

"You've been spending far too much time with her," Mrs. Proctor tried to kill him with her imaginary laser vision. "She hasn't been spending nearly enough time on the Chan Plan."

They'd named their ridiculous nefarious plan? And they made it rhyme? Honestly, this was everything that was wrong with the world in one simple sentence. Okay, maybe not everything, but it was pretty damn close.

Besides, he had spent no more time with Rebecca than was enforced by Mr. Whitefeather’s increasingly heavy rehearsal schedule. Like he would want to spend any more time with her than that - like he’d want to see her outside of school and maybe…

No. Bad thoughts.

This was truly starting to become a problem - it was not just the boner aneurysm incident anymore. Now it had grown into staring in the hallways, staring across the stage, and then there were the dreams.

Ugh, he was going to need a visit to Panda Canyon after this.

“Take it up with Mr. Whitefeather,” he played it cool, already having been silent for far too long. “He had us in rehearsals all day Saturday.”

It had been a long day, but he hadn’t said no when Mr. Whitefeather had dinner delivered afterwards. Sure, he drew the line at actually eating pizza, but their town also had some healthy options that would not make him feel sick after.

He was over the whole vomiting thing - he’d been there and done that. Monitoring his intake was the better, healthier option.

“I have taken it up with him,” Mrs. Proctor maybe sounded just a little creepy. “And I’ll be watching very closely. That man is way too distracted by Coach Wilson’s shorts.”

True. That was very true. So true that the completely involuntary laugh that escaped him was actually audible to Mrs. Proctor. And she was either going to murder him right this second, right here in the office with her student aid watching, or she would laugh along. Now, he didn’t want to be friends with her, but he was still kind of hoping for the latter.

He was too hot to die like this. Sure, dying young would ensure that he would stay hot for eternity, but he’d rather stay alive a little while longer, thanks.

“Don’t laugh at your teachers, Mister Plimpton,” Mrs. Proctor’s words lacked bite, seeing as she was smiling herself. “How that man managed to get himself installed as head of an entire Department is beyond me.”

Wow, okay, unprofessional again. But he’d go along with it for now, seeing as it was going to save his ass - for now. As soon as the topic went back to her dear, dear Cookie, he was absolutely going to die. He was sure of it.

Also, he was not going to be the kind of dweeb who actually defended Mr. Whitefeather to Mrs. Proctor. That would definitely make him appear like one of them - sure, he almost respected the man now, both for the blackmail and for running a tight ship when the crew consisted of 90% idiots. But still, he was not that kind hearted. Gross.

It was clear that Mrs. Proctor had been hoping he’d get all defensive about his new favorite teacher - as if - and that it annoyed her that he’d stayed perfectly quiet. She clearly wanted him to go soft, so that she’d have something on him.

Think again, Mrs. Proctor. Think again.

His smug grin was infuriating to her, and he liked it that way. God forbid she’d figure out what his true intentions towards Reb.. Bunch were.

Fuck! He did have intentions!

------

That accident in rehearsal might have been the first time she’d seen Nathaniel without a shirt on, but it definitely was not the last time she got a good look at those abs.

Suddenly it seemed like he was everywhere, and he was always sweating or in some state of undress - and maybe it was starting to get to her just a little bit. What? He was looking positively sinful and she was only human.

On Monday, she’d stayed late working on an extra credit assignment her mother had made her agree to. And of course he was just coming out of water polo practice when she left the library, and he was still dripping a bit, his shirt clinging to his skin like he hadn’t quite managed to dry off properly before he got dressed in a hurry. There was one drop running down his collarbone that was close to pornographic - she had to stop for a minute and hope he hadn’t noticed how closely she’d been eyeing him during a brief hallway brush.

Tuesday was even worse. They’d been working so hard on nailing the choreography, and they were both a little sweaty. (Not too gross sweaty, but just a little… sexy sweaty). And then the asshole actually lifted up the bottom of his shirt to wipe the sweat from his brow. It took her a full five seconds to look anywhere but at his bared skin - just one second too few to get caught in the act.

By Wednesday she was starting to think that he was doing all of this on purpose, just to mess with her. But then she actually got the chance to hang out with Josh for longer than five seconds and she realized that this was just a stupid bout of teenage sexual frustration. All she really wanted was for Josh Chan to finally admit that he loved her like she loved him, so that they could be together out in the open - and she could take him home with her to have her first time in a proper bed.

It was Josh she really wanted, but she was around Nathaniel so much… It made sense for him to be a little distracting. After all, they were playing true lovers, and he was not completely hideous.

Admitting to herself that Nathaniel Plimpton was kind of hot helped with the ridiculousness of some of their encounters during the rest of that week - also, the extensive make out session she’d had with Josh held her over quite nicely

Still, when she was at the school gym on Friday, doing some tricep dips to strengthen her arm muscles - strong arm muscles made it so much easier to stay in freeze for a while during some of the show’s tableaus - she just happened to run into Nathaniel again. Only this time their run-in was quite literal.

She hadn’t been paying attention when moving on to her cardio circuit, and when he’d rounded a corner at the same time, she ended up awkwardly pressed up against a sweaty Nathaniel who was only wearing a tank and really thin gym shorts. And when she said thin, she meant thin enough to feel absolutely everything.

It was almost a feeling of deja vu, but not in a bad way. Not that she liked having every inch of his rock solid body pressed up against her - as if!

But she still had to distract herself from her body’s annoying reaction to it later that night, especially because they had another full Saturday of rehearsals planned the next day. And there was no way she was going to let this momentary hormonal lapse affect her performance. So she watched some of her favorite musicals in preparation for the day when she would finally be a true Broadway star.

She fell asleep halfway through the seminal classic Chicago.

When her eyes opened again she was in a large, unfamiliar bedroom. She needed it to be Josh’s - that was the only bedroom she wanted to spend time in, after all - but the room didn’t scream Josh at all. There was no Hawaiian theme, no surfing paraphernalia just laying about somewhere. Instead the room was decorated luxuriously, nothing even an inch out of place on the old-fashioned desk and the giant bed perfectly made. What kind of soulless automaton would live in a room like this?

“Why are you here, Bunch?”

Well, that certainly answered that question - and rather quickly, too. Of course Nathaniel was the soulless automaton in question. Who else could it possibly be?

“I wanted to see you,” she found herself saying, without ever consciously deciding to admit that particular hidden truth to him. “I need your help. I need your particular brand of evil.”

Her coat was still buttoned up tight, and she could feel the silky smooth fabric of her stockings rubbing together on the inside of her thighs. Her black heels were high enough that she didn’t have to crane her neck quite so much to look him in the eye. She might not have been wearing a flapper style dress underneath her coat - or much of anything, it seemed - but the setting of this scene certainly made sense.

This was a seduction scene - she had some epic plan and seducing Nathaniel to get him to work with her was just the first step. Yes, it was all coming back to her now.

“What has Chan done this time?”

It seemed that Nathaniel was not willing to just play along with her this time.

“This has nothing to do with him,” she slowly started to unbutton her coat, revealing that there was nothing but black, lacy lingerie underneath. “This is about you and me.”

He visibly gaped at her, the tension in his body obvious from his eyes to his adam’s apple, from the set of his shoulders to the way his abs had tensed up. She almost didn’t dare look further down than that. The operative word being ‘almost’ - there was no visible tension there yet, but if she had her way there soon would be.

“Bunch,” he tried to protest.

It didn’t help him. Not at all! She just let her coat drop to his impeccably cleaned floor and smoothed down her black teddy.

And then she waited. She watched him watch her, his gaze starting at her eyes and then slowly making its way down her body. Her cleavage was spectacular in this outfit and she didn’t even need Spanx to feel okay in the teddy. It was obvious that Nathaniel appreciated her Velma Kelly inspired ensemble. He could not stop staring.

“You can touch, you know,” she teased, taking one single step closer to him.

Nathaniel took a step back and immediately fell onto the the giant bed that dominated his room, the bed that she could not stop thinking about. Still, she had to wait for him to make the next move.

Consent was important, okay?!

Finally he reached for her, and she let herself be dragged into his lap, her teddy riding up on her stocking-clad thighs. His hands were on her waist, hesitantly moving up in the direction of her chest.

She leaned in to kiss him, desperate to finally have his mouth on hers.

“Bunch,” he panted. “Rebecca.”

And then she woke up, twisted in the sheets of her own bed, breathing hard and wondering what the hell was wrong with her.

Because this? This was wrong!

------

Yes, it was more than a little bit odd that he kept seeing Bunch everywhere, but he was not going to read into it. She was not doing it on purpose - she was not a good enough actress for him to not see that she was genuinely flustered every single time he showed up.

It really was a nice boost to the ego.

Even though she was still all heart eyes for Mr. If Only I Had A Brain, she could not deny the chemistry. Now that he’d stopped denying it most of the time, it was good to see that she was not all that far behind.

And he had a plan to make her catch up to him, a very simple plan that would not take a lot of time to implement.

Seduction.

If she reacted so strongly just because she happened to see him shirtless and/or sweating a few times, she would probably react a lot stronger when he actually started doing it on purpose. Plus, he already knew they’d be together for every partner exercise in their morning session, because Mr. Whitefeather was that obvious.

Their teacher either really wanted them to get it on, or - the more boring option - he just wanted them to come across as a perfect couple on stage. Or both, even.

Really, he didn’t much care about why Mr. Whitefeather was doing this, it just worked for him that he did. It gave him a lot of opportunities to screw with Bunch - and maybe eventually it would give him ample (ha!) opportunities to screw her.

A whole Saturday’s worth of opportunities.

Ugh, he did not want to even consider what another Saturday of his absence would mean to his father. Surely the old man had noticed and he wasn’t pleased with him. It was only a matter of time before the explosion would destroy him. The clock was ticking louder and louder - it would strike soon, and in the worst way.

It was just better for his mental health not to think about it for too long. That only lead down the anxiety road, and he could not walk another mile on that one.

So Bunch was definitely the more pleasing and the more diverting option. It was getting easier to get to her every single day, and he wondered if this was the day that he would finally be able to make her crack.

That would only spell good things for his Saturday night.

Sure, Chan might have had some other plans for Bunch, but Nathaniel had a whole day of rehearsal to convince her otherwise. And judging by how flustered she already was after ten minutes in his presence, this might not even be a full day kind of project. Not that he would consider bailing on rehearsal - well, maybe for a quickie in the janitor’s closet - and not that Rebecca Nora Bunch would ever prioritize him over her precious show. Heck, not even Chan came first - theater seemed to be her number one priority

But it seemed like she really needed a break, with someone who knew how to make that break very enjoyable for her. Of course that someone was him - Josh Chan didn’t seem like the selfless type.

Not that he himself was anything but selfish, he was just aware it was better for him when both parties enjoyed themselves. There was nothing selfless and noble about it.

Or was the mere idea of getting it on with a girl who was really not his usual type an almost selfless act? It might have been, were it not that his main motivation was to hit it and quit it, just so she would finally be out of his system. Maybe then he could finally move on to his normal brand of young, vulnerable women.

He started off simple. Now that the official opening was over and Mr. Whitefeather had made all of his announcements, he knew the partner exercises were right around the corner.

As usual, they’d start with contact improv, which meant that they had to start touching each other right away - basically, Mr. Whitefeather was doing half his work for him. He ought to help him in his quest to romance Coach Wilson in return for this. That way he wouldn’t owe his teacher another favor that would need to be cashed in. He was not going to be stuck doing these shows with these idiots for the rest of his life.

This was all just a passing phase, and that included his lame fixation on Bunch. But for now he might as well enjoy himself.

“Here we are again, Bunch,” he grinned at her to watch her fumble with some hair clip. “We really work well together.”

And they actually did. It was annoying, actually.

Sure, he was brilliant, talented, and a natural leader, but this weird connection absolutely did not need to get any stronger than it already was. He really hoped none of these losers wanted to actually be friends after this. Nathaniel Plimpton the Third did not do friends.

“What are you up to?” Bunch was immediately suspicious of him.

“Nefarious plans,” he teased, waiting for Mr. Whitefeather to start the exercise. “You’ll be touching me quite a bit over the next hour or so. Are you sure you’re ready?”

Well, now Bunch really looked at him like she was ready to murder him. Which just meant that his comment had hit a nerve - and they only just started the contact improv. With just a light tap to an innocent body part to make him move that part into a particular direction, they would learn to anticipate each other’s movements.

Bunch couldn’t quite reach the top of his head, which was always a cause of hilarity for him. Still, if he wanted her to get even halfway to seduced, he couldn’t laugh at her too much - or too little. That option would just make her even more suspicious of him.

So he followed almost gamely while she managed to get him down to her level, and he tried not to comment too much on his current view. He was supposed to keep his eyes closed as a show of trust, after all.

The running tally of comments was mostly in his head - with the exception of the occasional comment that slipped out, murmured softly under his breath. Bunch wouldn’t hear them if she was off thinking about something else - and she was.

“Looking good, Bunch,” he decided it was time to distract her.

She immediately noticed the angle and not too gently tapped his left shoulder so he’d turn away from her. Yeah, too late Bunch. He’d already seen more than enough - he wouldn’t just forget it by turning around.

“How long have you been looking down my shirt?” she just sounded tired, which was really not his intention.

“How long has it been since we started this assignment?” he asked in lieu of giving an actual response.

A weary sigh was all the response he got from her. Where the hell did her fire go? That was what he was counting on in this endeavor. He needed her to get fired up and challenge him - it made them both hot, no matter if she was willing to admit that or not.

“What’s wrong, Bunch?” he let himself ask.

He was ready for the brush-off, for the lies about how she was absolutely, completely fine and he was a complete imbecile for even daring to imply that she was anything other than completely healthy and normal and so fucking fine.

That was just how people responded when you spotted a weakness they never meant for you to see. He didn’t see why Rebe-Bunch would respond differently.

“I’m having a bad day,” she said, ever so calmly, even though she was vulnerable in front of a self-proclaimed asshole. “And you being an asshole does not help.”

Every time he thought he knew exactly what to expect from Bunch, she gave him something completely different - what was up with that? How did she do it? She both treated him like someone she was close to and could share her feelings with, and like the complete asshole he knew he was - but it was almost in a fond way.

“Wanna skip out on trust falls?” he gave her a way out of her most hated exercise.

It was not just about the control issues, it was also about being big and too heavy and being terrified that the losers in the group wouldn’t be able to catch him - her. Would not be able to catch her. Because it wasn’t like he had weight issues or anything.

“Hell yes,” she muttered. “If that Jim guy gets weird with me one more time about some unspoken thing he thinks we have… I might actually drop him. By accident.”

Her air quotes on those last two words were kind of adorable, because even though she was really trying to be subtle about their sotto voce conversation, she didn’t exactly manage to be quiet. The drama just lover her, and she loved it right back. And he was absolutely going to ignore that he ever even thought the word adorable in relation to Bunch.

“Mr. Whitefeather is talking to Coach Wilson,” he spotted them from the corner of his eye. “That is all the distraction we’ll need.”

Bunch nodded solemnly and followed him into the hallway, where it was quiet and no one would force them to address their body issues head on.

He really did not mean to find another thing he had in common with Bunch, but he wasn’t surprised about it any longer. For some reason their broken pieces seemed to align.

“Let me guess,” he decided to take the lead, “Josh Chan is once again being an indecisive, secretive, hypocritical - wait, let me rephrase that in words he might actually understand. Josh Chan is being a dumb-dumb?”

The fury he received in return was almost soothing. Maybe she’d run after him with a sharp object again - maybe this time she would end up straddling him. More than one of his dreams had started that way.

“You don’t understand our love,” she hissed at him, not realizing how ridiculous she sounded.

Still, his laughter was not quite welcomed - not that he cared about that. He didn’t!

“I’m sure the idea of the jock falling for the drama queen is just as enthralling in real life as it was in your favorite movie,” he rolled his eyes emphatically, “but in real life we don’t sing catchy songs about the status quo in the cafeteria.”

Sure, it had happened once in a dream, but he tried not to put too much stock in those unless they recurred as often as Rebecca did these days. When someone showed up in his brief moments of peace for four days in a row, it was time to do something about it. And he’d been telling himself that for about a week now. An eleven day streak was no joke.

“You’ve seen it,” Bunch was just delighted.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he kept a straight face - acting.

The rage had completely left her, and he was left kind of disappointed by it. There was no use for her woobifying him - he preferred her anger, because at least that way there was a chance she’d unleash the passion she’d been holding back. If she actually used the word adorable to refer to him his balls would shrink up into his body.

Why did he care so much about what she thought of him?

Because he was an idiot, that was why.

------

It took her more than a few minutes to realize that they were the only ones left who were still rehearsing. Everyone else appeared to have left - even Mr. Whitefeather and Coach Wilson appeared to have departed (hopefully together).

She kinda shipped it.

For some reason she and Nathaniel had been isolated from the rest of the group for the last hour or so of rehearsal - Mr. Whitefeather thought that their chemistry and their dance could use some work, and seeing as how the rest of the group was a major distraction even when one was not faced with seriously inconvenient feelings of lust for an asshole scene partner, they’d decided to do their practicing in the other room.

At least, that was why she decided - she wasn’t even going to think about the possibility of the inconvenient feelings being mutual. She had Josh - she would have Josh, anyway - and there was no way she would continue to think about Nathaniel in this manner.

“Okay, once more with feeling,” Nathaniel was breathing heavy.

So of course it was not helping that he’d stripped off a few layers, leaving him in a thin tank top that left those Arms bare. He had good arms. Those were good arms to have.

They were doing the dance scene again, both not even daring to attempt the scene they really had to work on: the happy ending, kiss included. That was just way too much to even consider at this point.

She just really wanted to be Josh Chan’s official girlfriend before she even attempted to kiss Nathaniel.

“One last time,” she warned. “I have plans tonight.”

Okay, Josh saying that he might be at a party did not really qualify as plans, but she was still going to go to this guy Hector’s place in hopes of seeing Josh.

Wow, she almost had flashbacks to that one time with Greg at Beans’ place. But that was a long time ago and Greg was happily studying business at Emory now.

“I’m sure Hector’s mom will be pleased to see you,” Nathaniel was too astute for her sanity.

Also, he was completely on the nose about the seriously weird situation with Hector and his mother. Most parents didn’t exactly stay for the party - heck, most parents didn’t even know that there would be a party. But Hector’s mother was different, desperate to cling to her youth in her disturbingly close connection to her teenage son.

Ugh, she really did not want to think about that podcast.

“Just dance with me already,” she huffed, stepping closer to him.

For once, Nathaniel was quiet, almost too quiet. He just bowed formally, asking her to dance as the start of their detailed choreography.

Funny, he almost looked princely as he leaned over her hand, kissing it gently rather than faking it for the stage. Glitter exploded inside of her, mostly in her stomach, as she felt herself flush.

She loved courtly gestures like this, the cheesy romance that everyone thought was overrated and ridiculous. To her it just said that the other person was making an effort to seduce you - and when she wasn’t completely blinded by her teenage hormones, she absolutely wanted to be seduced slowly but surely.

“Your highness,” she muttered, careful to stay in character.

It did not matter that she was wearing sweaty workout clothes, and that the silly placeholder crowns on their heads had cost about a dollar, because Prince Nathaniel had swept her off her feet and into the soothing steps of a waltz.

He was an excellent leader, even with a stubborn partner such as her. She could actually trust him to lead her in these steps, trust him to keep her close to him, trust him to keep her safe on stage. Off stage, she wasn’t so sure - out of rehearsal he was still dangerous to her peace of mind. But while she was dancing with him she could pretend that she was Ella and he was her charming Prince.

Every time they did these the steps were more fluid, and it became easier and easier to let the glitter win. He was charming, and tall (very tall), and he danced like a dream. And when he looked at her, eyes darker than she remembered them being, she simply had to press herself a little bit closer to him.

They’d worry about fitting her supposedly big dress in between them when they had to - not yet though. Not right now.

As they started whirling towards the ending, she wondered what it would be like when they finally reached the kiss, the happily ever after. He would have to stoop down, and she would have to reach so far up in her heels, but it would be magical.

With a final twirl, she let herself lean back in his strong grip, now trusting him completely - at least in this. He would never let her fall, not on stage. Not just because it would make him look like a bad partner, but also because maybe, just maybe, he’d actually grown a little fond of her.

It was kind of pathetic, while at the same time being oddly flattering.

She looked up at him to find him once again looking down at her from hooded eyes. She had to look back, had to hold his gaze even when she felt herself flushing. It was a powerful thing, having all of his attention in this way.

How long had she been leaning like this? Mere seconds? Forever? She didn’t know and didn’t much care.

Slowly, finally, he pulled her up, settling her against his solid chest. He was just so much taller than her, and so warm, and that damn tank didn’t do anything to hide it. Her own clothing had also become seriously inadequate at hiding how affected she was by him.

This was a serious problem.

Why didn’t this happen with Josh? Why didn’t Josh give her goosebumps? Why was it Nathaniel Plimpton of all people?

With an almost mournful sigh, she took a step back.

“And, that’s it for today,” she cut through the spell weaved around the two of them.

“Right,” Nathaniel sounded almost dazed there. “You have plans.”

She started gathering her stuff on auto-pilot, head still somewhere roughly ten minutes ago. Her script, her vocal book, her water bottle, pens and other knick knacks - she couldn’t remember how to properly store them in her bag, so she threw it all in and hoped it would come out okay.

“I’ll walk with you,” Nathaniel waited for her to finish packing.

It would be rude not to let him. That was why she nodded, that was why she let him. It had nothing to do with her actually wanting to spend a few extra minutes with him. She’d been spending more than enough time with him for Paula to start taking notice - her best friend had not been happy with the perceived disinterest in the Chan Plan.

“Are you actually being nice now?” she was very aware of how flirtatious that particular statement came out.

“Dream on, Bunch,” he grinned as he held the door for her. “I would never.”

They walked the empty hallways together - it was starting to get dark, and the wind was gusting against the doors. She was not looking forward to going out in that.

Nathaniel reached for the door, and they both shared a look. One last moment together before the wind would blow them both away into their separate directions - as it should, she knew that. She just forgot for a little while.

The door wouldn’t open.

“It’s locked,” Nathaniel said.

“Well, unlock it,” she waited for him to do just that.

It was a stupid joke, but she couldn’t blame him for making it. A dark school, just the two of them - it was a recipe for disaster.

“Unlike what you might believe,” Nathaniel went off on a tangent, “Alohomora doesn’t actually work in real life.”

Did he just say what she thought he said? Did he actually just say that?

That was almost adorable and potentially life-changing.

“You are such a Slytherin,” she rolled her eyes at him.

“Cunning, ambitious, resourceful,” he listed, grinning the whole time. “I don’t consider those bad traits. You’re just a jealous wannabe Gryffindor.”

Well that was just blatantly wrong. She saw no benefits to being a Gryffindor - she was smart and valued intelligence in other people. Clearly, Nathaniel did not get her at all.

“I am a proud Ravenclaw,” she protested. “And you’re a not so secret nerd. What, you watched a movie?”

He probably watched one of the movies to impress a girl or something, on a date that led to that random girl eventually ending up in the backseat of Nathaniel’s fancy car. She’d heard the rumors - she knew all his moves even though he’d only tried a couple on her.

“I’ve read all the books,” he refuted her claim. “I got mono freshman year. I had to do something to kill the time, and the housekeeper had bought all the books for her nerdy son.”

She was kind of charmed by it, picturing that awkward sick freshman devouring the books, at home in his freaking mansion. He’d clearly identified with the wrong characters - she was thinking Draco Malfoy - but at least he’d actually read the books.

“You totally have a Slytherin tie at home, don’t you?” she flirted, stepping a little closer to him.

“I might,” he tried to act so casual. “You want to see it, don’t you?”

So it was more than just the tie. Noted, Nathaniel, noted. One way or another she was going to see that tie - and everything else he had hidden at home.

Surely she could think of some kind of scheme that would involve getting access to his room - probably without taking her clothes off.

That could just be a bonus.

Oh wow, her brain was totally betraying her right now and she didn’t even mind it that much.

She was the first to lean in, placing her hand on his shoulder to pull him down to her level. He went along with it rather easily, a hand on her waist as if they were about to start a whole other dance, and they both already knew the steps to that one.

This time, he would let her lead, let her pull him even closer so that their foreheads were touching.

“Can’t be with Cedric if you’re already with Ron,” he just had to go there.

“Stop talking dirty,” she whispered.

Was she really going to do this? Was she really going to kiss Nathaniel Plimpton the Third, right here in a dark school hallway?

Yes, yes, she was, she decided as she finally bridged the last inches.

A fraction of an inch from her goal, she was started by a loud noise.

Of course that was when that damn Gavin kid showed up, banging on the door with the janitor’s keys in his stupid hand.

....

AN: SO THAT HAPPENED! Evil, who me? Also, please let me know what you think. I’m getting the first half of my wisdom teeth removed tomorrow so I’m gonna need some good things this weekend ;)

#rebecca x nathaniel #rethaniel #fic: all the men and women merely players #my stories #otp: can’t be with cedric if you’re already with ron #crazy ex girlfriend

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indigoblue-readsalot · 7 years

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why i love the new servamp spoilers and why you should too!

((this is so mchecking long but i thought a lot about this please read it!))

i don’t really understand why ya’ll are upset because 1. Wrath pair being two girls is exactly what we need in life and 2. wrath is the one who even suggested the idea of tsurugi being an eve which is why he’s going to end up as her eve.

let me elaborate: the mother was the one to tell tsurugi he can be saved, but right now he’s with touma so that’s not happening until touma stops manipulating him. i mean that literally because touma is emotionally manipulating tsurugi who never had a family/home, and is using his status as tsurugi’s ‘family’ to keep him tame. that’s not healthy. wrath saw the state tsurugi is in and offered her help, and i don’t think ya’ll understand the fact that she stuck with her previous eve until they died– she’s willing to commit to tsurugi. because the situation is dire and they need to save him before he’s going to destroy his identity completely she’s willing to make a contract with tinker to help him. to help everyone. Now tinker– i’ve seen some people who think a) that it’s weird and sudden that she’s creating a contract with wrath, and b) that tsurugi’s arc has been building up to him being her eve. I agree with statement b– a, not so much. tinker literally just discovered that she’s helping the wrong side. people got hurt because of her weapons, and they’re straight up asking her for help. she couldn’t refuse, and she wouldn’t, because she’s mentally strong and is ready to fight for the people who need her help. she isn’t moping around like you’d expect– she felt horrible when she realized she helped hurting people, and then immediately came back to her senses. gil and ray asked her to help them and find wrath and she’s going to do it and create a contract and save everyone, because from what i gathered she’s thinking of the situation as her responsibility. She’s being awesome and responsible for her actions; she’s willing to fix what she indirectly caused (ray’s arm) and prevent any other disasters that may occur as a result of her creations. last we’ve seen of the mother, she was shot in the chest. she needs an eve to empower her, and right now tsurugi isn’t ready. tinker being wrath’s eve is genius because of the fact that at this point in time, two servamps are out of commission, one is weak, one is on standby (watching this disaster unfold), one’s eve is missing/presumably dead, one servamp’s not in the picture and wrath is weak from being shot and not having an eve. who else could do it? the answer is absolutely no one. it’s a great way to set up tsurugi’s redemption and develop tinker and wrath more, which is a huge yes! i might be a tad biased when i say i can’t wait to see the two of them together, but i think we can all lighten up a bit and enjoy the newly formed wrath pair kick some butt if we think the situation through. now to point b: tsurugi’s arc leading up to him being an eve (a\n: i wrote this part on my phone and it was full of psychological analysis but it didn’t save and i’m very upset jhfgdkfhgk).

wrath went after tsurugi simply because the group said he needed to be saved and she was in a good enough shape to do it. then wrath met tsurugi for the first time, and she offered the contract. she saw through his facade easily because she had enough empathy to tell him what he needed/wanted to hear. when tsurugi met the mother/heard her suggestion he was confused, intrigued, and absolutely convinced. he has a repressed side deep inside his cognition that led him to actually almost agree to give her a name, and i think we all saw what he really needed in that moment: a person to confide in. you see, tsurugi thinks that the only person he has in the world is touma, but get this: tsurugi never had touma to begin with.

the thing is with those two is that they’re both two mentally unstable men in a very abusive and unhealthy relationship that involves a lot of emotional manipulation, bad childhoods, desperation and personal gain. as a kid, we know that touma grew up with a guardian that was literally the worst person to give a child to. he screamed a lot, cursed a lot (cursed touma a lot) and abused him. touma is always seen in his room in the flashback. then when he takes in baby tsurugi, he has nothing to really give him. at that point he’s a mentally unstable kid that has broken ideas of how the world works and a small child to influence (a child that has no teeth and was desperate enough to lick milk off the floor). touma had no idea how to be a good person or how to raise a kid from the start, and you can’t really blame him for the person he’s become with that influence growing up. i don’t think he ever really loved tsurugi. now tsurugi absolutely looks up to touma in the most unhealthy way you can imagine. in his mind, touma is not a bad person. we, the readers, know that what touma is doing is wrong because he’s hurting people, manipulating them and acts in a way that doesn’t match the ideals we grew up with. tsurugi doesn’t see what we do. imagine growing up with a murderer. you wouldn’t think murder is wrong because you’ll see the person you look up to the most doing it and justifying it. that’s exactly what tsurugi sees. not only that, but tsurugi is jailed to touma in a way we don’t understand (edit: to make myself clear: he's convincing himself that touma's doing good to turn a blind eye to the fact that tsurugi's hurting people because of him. i don't think he sees touma as a pure cinnamon roll) when touma appears after wrath protects tsurugi from the falling ceiling, tsurugi’s surprised. inside he thought that nobody actually cares for him, and suddenly touma’s there to help him, and then touma says they’re family. emotional manipulation at it’s finest. if you know of persona 5, tsurugi is very similar to yusuke. both were taken in as young kids by mentally unstable men and were used by said men, but believed them to be in the right/to be good people. tsurugi does everything touma tells him because he’s unable to let go of his desperate clinging to the only person he has left. he’s in a prison made of love, gratitude, emotional manipulation, broken ideals and wrong ideas of how the world works. how could someone with the mentality of a child murderer let go of a person that means that much to him? and that’s where wrath comes in.

you see, the only other people who care for tsurugi in any sense are jun and yumi. those two have no idea what he really is they only know he’d do anything for money, that touma has him wrapped around his finger and how he acts around other people (in this case, them). they won’t understand the mental weakness he’s in, nor the manipulative relationship he’s in, or even how terrible of a person he really is (no dirt tsuru, you grew up with a psycho). we all saw it ourselves–with a few words touma can control tsurugi completely to the point of attacking his friends. he’s a broken outline of a human being, and they don’t know that at all. all throughout their years together he’s been dumb and bubbly. that’s literally it. they couldn’t help him because they know the mask he put on for so long. that mask is the tsurugi they knew for years. they would have no idea how to help him. heck, they have no idea what the hell’s going on with him right now, he’s attacking everything suddenly and that’s so unlike him. they lack the understanding of the idea that touma planted in his mind when he was a child (edit: to make myslef clear ((again, sorry i could've tackled this way better lmao)) i think that jun and yumi knows tsurugi long enough so that they couldn't help. they don't know the full details, only snippets of his broken past. they know touma is manipulating him, they know he wasn't okay and they know that something is wrong. because they know him for so long it's hard to make out what's really the way to approach the situation since it's a person they know who acts entirely different) now wrath, she is a different story.

wrath has enough empathy to recognize tsurugi’s lie. he said he experienced happiness before and she knows he’s lying. she sees a broken man in front of her and she says she could help. she gets angry for his sake, because he could have so much more than his current life if he agrees to be her eve. she sees through his facade easily and he breaks down, because her words are true and he really wants what she’s offering. she offers him reassurance, they hug, and tsurugi’s crying because no one has ever spoken to him like she does. she could help him get on his feet. he even asks her: will the future you offer me happen if i agree? will i get what you tell me i will? and she says yes. she saved his life (literally) and breathed hope into his chained heart like no one else did. tanaka wouldn’t throw all of that away. tsurugi needs help and tanaka makes sure us readers understand that wrath has the attitude to change tsurugi completely for the better. she could help him grow up and see the value in his life, she could show him a different side to things that he’s never seen before. ya’ll got upset because you were touched by the bond those two formed with each other, and i completely understand, but tinker being wrath’s eve (temporarily or not) is a stepping stone for tsurugi to realize he can have a better future. tinker’s role in the story currently is to be strong enough to fight touma, and it’s believable in the sense that she feels guilty for creating the weapons used to hurt people. it’s not out of nowhere and it’s not important enough so ya’ll can stop fussing over it. tsurugi will obviously have a meaningful connection to wrath even if tinker ends up sealing a full contract (which i highly doubt) and with her in the equation, i can totally see them defeating touma, or maybe just make him flee. either way, tinker is the only one available right now to be her eve. tsurugi’s mind is scrambled eggs and everyone else is either jun and yumi or an eve. and i highly doubt that jun or yumi would agree to be an eve tbh… which leaves us with a mentally strong woman with a strong desire to make things right and fight for justice, which is just so awesome. appreciate what tanaka’s doing here– giving another character some spotlight while tsurugi’s out of commission so he could detach himself from touma. i actually love what’s being done with tinker so much ngl

anyway i’m done with my ramblings this is so longggg! i could talk about tsurugi and touma’s relationship for days tbh… it’s so unhealthy and there’s so much interesting psychology behind it hgfjhgjfdkfjdk

hope ya’ll are having a good one!!

#servamp #servamp spoilers #servamp manga #tsurugi kamiya #touma taishi #kurumamori junichirou #yumikage tsukimitsu #gil and ray #the mother #wrath #tinker #life ref #i am in love with the writing of this manga... holler everybody 🎉#this is.... long....#meta #?#my works #???

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slut-for-fandoms · 7 years

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Little witch (Part 4)

Pairings: Peter x reader

Word count: 2 754

Summary: The reader is raised by Hydra but manages to escape after they kill her parents. She is emotionally unstable and can’t control her powers. The Avengers rescue her and give her everything she missed form life and wanted to feel. But would her new found love be enough to extinguish her desire for revenge? What would be the side she would choose to rely on?

A/N: I am so so so so sorry for not posting the next part in two weeks. It’s the end of the school year so I had a lot of exams. Most of the times i was too exhausted to sit in front of the laptop and write. I really want to apologize if this part is not that interesting but i will do my best to post new part every day (but do not promise). Please let me know what you think about it ♥ It’s really important for me to know you opinion about the story :) Enjoy!

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3

“That’s how I burned down part of Hydra’s base.”, (Y/N) spoken softly. Tears that she didn’t know was hiding were now rolling down. Nobody said anything. They were shocked by what the girl went though at the age of seven.

“They were trying to program me. Their intentions were to create fighters better than the Winter Soldier and Black Widow.”

“If they can control them we are have a big problem.”, Tony stated as he tried to emphasize how serious the problem was.

“How many are they?”

“I don’t know”, the last events weren’t leaving her mind, “Probably 8 or less. I don’t know how many survived.”

“As far as we know the base is still whole. You may have burnt down part of it.”, Steve declared as he stood up and began walking.

“What did you feel?”, Bruce asked all of a sudden.

“What do you mean?”

“What did you feel right before you burnt the base?”

“Oh. I- um…fire. Yeah, definitely fire, but not literally. I mean, it was -“

“Relieving? Taking you whole, feeling powerful because of the rage built inside you and yet it somehow calms you down?”, Banner finished her sentence.

“Exactly.”, (Y/N) was amazed by this. Mr. Banner wasn’t lying her when he had said he cannot control his anger that easily.

“What about when we found you?”, Wanda questioned as she understood what Bruce was attempting to o.

“Scared. Naked. Exposed. Breakable.”

“Mixed feeling, paranoia overwhelming you?”

“Yes.”, after some seconds Banner revealed his thoughts making them a statement.

“I think I know what your powers are.”

Ten minutes later the whole gang was in the training room waiting to see what the young witch was capable of.

“Are you sure Mr. Banner?”

“Call me Bruce, please.”, her gave the girl a smile and nodded, “Yes, I am.”

“But how can I control the elements? I mean, how did you find this out?”

“Fire is symbolized by rage, anger. It the Greek Mythology Ares, the furious god of war, is always drawn with red paint and flames around him. Also, when you said a great amount of different feeling overwhelmed you, it showed me that you can control earth. When we found you, your first action was to use those spikes to warn or kill the people trying to disturb you. Earth is believed to give humans stability. So basically your powers had tried to calm your mind down by using the ground as a weapon. But when Peter entered you shelter you were again taken by your fears making unstable and unpredictable like the wind.”

“So my emotional condition affects my powers?”

“That’s right. So now we would try to teach you how to use them without letting the emotions taking you over.”, Steve patted the girl on her shoulder.

“What if I hurt you?”

“Do not worry about us.”, Tony smiled in order to reassure her.

Ten minutes later all the Avengers were in a shield created by Wanda with her powers in the second floor of the training room. It wasn’t a whole floor just a part of it from where the instructor could watch or could enter the premises.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I present you the great Avengerrrrs.”, (Y/N) ‘announced’ with a sarcastic tone in her formal voice, “Good to know old men and women are scared of a puny girl.”, Wanda who was standing against the girl laughed as she saw her friends trying to protect themselves in the shield she had created.

“Hey, don’t blame us that we value our lives and want to keep them as longer as possible.”, Tony acted as a drama queen placing his hand over the place where his heart was supposed to be.

“Guys, you must accept it. She is right.”

“Why don’t you shut up and show the girl whatever you are going to show her.”

“As you wish Mr. Stank.”, Wanda retorted back and turned around to face (Y/N). The girl was nervous as she was able to see. Her hands were slightly shaking and she kept rubbing them against her clothes in order to remove the sweat, “So, I am going to attack you. Don’t worry i won’t hurt you. You just have to try to protect yourself somehow by using your energy. Just before that do not panic about the situation, that’s the most important thing you have to do. Breathe and then try to look deep inside you, searching for the power you want. Think about it, think how you want it to look, what and how you are going to do with it.”, the girl nodded but she felt nothing from this instructions was going to be fulfilled.

Wanda’s fingers were moving and seconds later they were shining in red but the woman wasn’t attacking her yet. (Y/N) did her best to follow the advice. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a moment. She had four powers and only one was able to protect her right now– air. The girl remembered the feeling when she had attacked Peter. The air was tickling the tips if her fingers. She looked for that feeling again but nothing happened. No strange feeling inside her, no power felt. She opened her eyes just in time to see Wanda’s magic coming towards her. She kneeled down to avoid it.

“Don’t give up. It won’t happen from the first time.”, Steve said.

The girl inhaled and exhaled deeply this time trying with another power. There wasn’t ground or water her so she had to use fire. This time was the same failure.

“Nothing is happening.”, the girl stated after her seventh attempt, “I feel nothing inside me, only darkness. Guess why? Because my fucking eyes are fucking closed!”

“Language!”, Steve called from inside the shield.

“Sorry.”, the girl gave the man an innocent smile but deep inside her she was feeling the same way as she had felt in the Hydra base – as a failure, miserable failure that cannot do anything. What was she doing here? Why did she even trust those guys? Why the hell was she thinking the brown haired teenager is attractive? A lot of questions suddenly filled her mind making her feel odd, questioning all her actions since she exploded part of the base. What is she even?

“Earth to (Y/N)! Are you listening?”, Peter’s voice took her out of the trans she had been immersed in.

“Yes…no, sorry! It’s just… I’m sucking. I can’t protect myself by creating a stupid shield from air or fire. I don’t know how to use my powers and how to control them! It’s driving me crazy when I am failing at things. Especially this!”, the girl shouted as soon as despair filled her body. She wasn’t going to give up, no. She was going to fight with teeth until she reached the final but all those events that happened in the last three days…it was too heavy for her to bear.

“(Y/n), hey, you can do it. I know you can. You’ve gone through a lot and this…this stupid thing cannot stop you. You are brave, you are-”, Peter had approached the red shield separating the two teenagers that were slowly falling under the love curse of each other. His voice was soft, his intentions good and it was felt. But the girl was too gentle. Not like a flower that would break under a slightly rougher touch, but like a bomb that was going to explode if the person holding her didn’t know how to defuse it. Peter was from those who were about to get killed because of the wrong actions he made.

“You don’t know me to tell me what I am! I do not know what I am!”, she screamed at the boy. Her body was moving on its own. For a moment (Y/N) felt as a prisoner. She was seeing what she was doing but she couldn’t control herself. The girl felt it, the power that was running through her veins, that was slowly taking control of her hands, mind, thoughts…Her hands were on fire. She moved them towards the shield sending a fire orb. At first the shield swallowed it but then it began swelling and the fire finally was in charge. The shield was now like a cell keeping its victims. The small prison was causing troubles with their ability to inhale. Wanda did something and the small hell torture was gone. The girl was standing there, her feet glued to the ground not letting her move. She was like a living stone – looking unbreakable and hard but this event causing her to crack from inside. When she saw the avengers’ looks she finally felt what she was trying to hide. She was a dangerous weapon, the desired weapon from Hydra that could kill thousands of people without caring at first place. She felt guilt, but more important – part of her felt good.

“I told you we would need a shield.”, Tony stated as he and the rest of the group gave it a try to stand up. Most of them were shocked about what had happened. Of course, not about themselves but the girl. She was shocked – looking at a spot on the wall between the heads of her victims, not moving, pale as snow. Her bottom lip was shaking as her hands did.

“I-I…I am -”, they all knew she was going to apologize but it was hard for her to find the right words.

“Hey, kid, we are used to having our asses kicked. You haven’t hurt anyone, no need to worry.”, Steve rushed towards (Y/N) in order to calm the girl down. He knew what Hydra was capable of and what the girl had gone through was infernal. It would have been unnatural if she was stable.

“But I could have.”, Steve saw the tears forming in her (y/e/c) eyes. Seeing this little girl beside him made his heart shrink. How could he not see the broken, the innocent, the lost girl? He only thought of her as a way Hydra to entice them…He was supposed to be a superhero, to have faith in everything, to see the good in every bad. The blonde man had no idea what to say as though a cat had gotten his tongue. He opened his mouth to say something, to help this little girl who had lost everything in her life but he closed it seconds later.

Wanda came closer as she knew (Y/N) trusted her more than the others. Peter followed her actions but as soon as they were next to the girl she ran away.

“(Y/N)!”, Peter called after the girl and was about to run after her but Steve grabbed him, “She needs help!”, he demanded and tried to escape the strong grip with no luck.

“She needs to be alone with herself right now, Pete. I think we might have damaged her more rather than helping.”

The next week (Y/N) was distant. She talked only with Wanda and Bruce and trained only with them. The others tried to make her feel as at home she never had but the girl was barely giving in. She was stubborn, that was for sure, but with nights spent at her room with Wanda she understood how wrong her actions are.

“You are not doing anything bad, but how they are trying to help and you should not be scared that you will hurt them. I know how you feel. When I began my training here I wasn’t as good as now, I almost crashed the training room down.”, the woman laughed at the thought that just appeared in her head, “I remember Tony’s face when he came down and saw one of the walls missing.”

“Really?”. The girl laughed along with her new best friend.

“Yes. He made me practice outside even after he repaired it.”, Wanda looked at (Y/N) feeling her as the little sister she never had, “See, no matter what happens they are going to be your family only if you let them. They are strange I can assume, we had out times of division but we came back together.”

It was 8.00 pm. (Y/N) was lying on her bed thinking about Wanda’s words as she tent to do the last three days. The girl felt Wanda as a sister she could trust. She believed her and knew that all the things she had told her were true. Strangely this people were trying to give her a home, to give her a family and she was backing. Why? Was it because it was happening too fast? Maybe because it felt so unreal that it was more possible to be Hydra test than a part of the reality? Only in her first day here she told them her whole story, she was given a private room, they tried to help her with her powers. And what did she do? She almost killed them and ran away crying like a baby…Yeah, a really good first impression. The girl had to accept the information that Hydra was away, not torturing her, not going after her or if they did, she was safe here with people to protect her and teach her how to do the same.

For a week she slightly improved her powers. Well, she still wasn’t able to control them but for now she didn’t need to be so angry to use any of her powers. The girl was trying to use the built in her rage to call her powers instead of letting the anger take control over her. (Y/N) was happy with the results for only one week and this success was one of the things encouraging her to go to the living room where the Avengers were meeting every night to eat and relax somehow.

(Y/N) stood up and looked in the mirror. She was wearing pink pajamas with unicorns on them which was definitely not her style. But what could she do? Wanda was too happy to call somebody a sister… The witch opened the wardrobe. The first time she did so she was amazed how big it was and most importantly that it was full of clothes fitting her perfectly. Now, she was kind of used to it but not at all. The girl took out comfortable jeans and a pale blue t-shirt. After dressing up she exited the room. Taking a deep breath she guided her legs towards the living room which was on the floor below. As she reached the glass door she looked inside. They were all scattered around the room – some on the sofas, some on the armchairs, and some on the floor. (Y/N) inhaled and exhaled deeply and then opened the door. The Avengers didn’t hear it because they were immersed in their conversation but e certain one did with his super senses.

The boy turned around and as the two lovebirds, as Tony liked to call them, saw each other they both stopped doing whatever they were for a moment. (Y/N) looked directly at Peter and for a moment it was only the two of them. The girl hated this feeling but as she had no powers in her emotions, neither on her hearth.

“(Y/N)!”, Wanda exclaimed and ran towards her to give her a hug. The Avengers looked at the girl surprised.

“Ms. (Y/N)!”, Thor came and ruffled her hair, “I am so happy to see you there.”, by his voice, the girl understood he had drank something but his relaxed behavior around her, the fact he was himself made her smile.

“Hello everyone!”, she greeted the gang and sat down next to Wanda and opposite Peter who was now giving her e reassuring smile. She smiled back, “Can I have a slice?”, she asked as the witch pointed at the three pizzas in front of her.

“Of course!”, Tony answered as he poured another glass of alcohol, “But hurry up because Thor is going to eat them all.”

(Y/N) laughed and joined the Avengers that night. At first she thought she wouldn’t fit there but she couldn’t have been more wrong. This was the first time from ages she felt happy again, she felt loved and welcomed. She wasn’t scared anymore, neither in pain. She was feeling young, carefree, free as a teenager should feel. The witch felt normal and for once in her whole life, she forgot about the nightmares that chased her each night.

Part 5

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aleatoryalarmalligator · 7 years

Text

Life Story, Part 37

I couldn't stand anyone I knew anymore after 2003/2004. I wanted to be taken away somehow, to leave my old skin behind so to speak, but it didn't seem like that was something I could simply do as a fourteen year old. I muddled through the rest of the school year somehow. I was still very much in love with Zack. The sight of him walking down the hallway still made my heart race, I still looked for his approval, but it was hard for me to feel very much hope or positive feeling about him anymore. I knew now that he was a flawed person, and that all of this lead to disappointment. There was a growing recognition that feeling and knowing are sometimes two different things, and I was the tortured fool in the middle of both, unable to make sense of it.

At least now didn't feel the burden of needing to act. Zack had started to talk about Melissa with me. He started writing love letters to Melissa – to me for some reason. It was hard for me to read them and emotionally stay balanced. I forced myself to read these letters, and I forced myself not to be jealous. I pushed myself into some radical state of acceptance. He was also very upset that his sister Whitney was now dating Melissa's brother Josh, so now they were in this strange love square. I was beginning to feel demeaned. My heart was broken, and yet there was no space to go away. My friends did not care that my best friend had just casually had sex with the love of my life, a guy who had been leading me on with every ounce of energy he spent in the day, only to find out that he already had a girlfriend and that his interest in me had no clarity at all. And I was starting to feel like he really didn't actually care about me either. Yes, he thought I was a magical special creature here to make the world a better place. He seemed sort of obsessed with me, and maybe there had been something between us. But he didn't care about the version of me who was simply a girl trying to get by in the world who had feelings and aspirations. It's better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you aren't.

I just felt demeaned somehow. Honestly, it had been a rough fucking year for me. With this whole thing with him, my father's abuse, losing trust in everyone and everything, losing my best friends really and now realizing that they were more mindless and untrustworthy than I had imagined, I felt like I had been projected so far into a state of nothingness that there was no turning back. There would never be a time going forward where I could continue being the person I had been. That naive girl was dead. How had I gotten to this place? I kind of knew that this was me now, and this was the world. I had been blind before, and now I saw the world for what it was, much as I might have liked to have put all this behind me and proceeded as if nothing had changed. It left me feeling empty and sick inside.

We had this very dumb teacher named Mrs. Brammer. She had been my teacher clear back and fourth grade, and she didn't like me any more now that I was older. Really, what was horrible about her though was the fact that she actually didn't understand English and had no business teaching it whatsoever to high school students. This is a typical thing for small towns, since the budget is very small. We started reading Fahrenheit 451, and she had no idea what was going on in the story, or why it mattered. She had us skip several chapters because she couldn't understand them. If I deserved an F, so be it, but so did she.

For the last part of our English class, she wanted us all to write poems. I had been writing a lot of poetry at that time, after the miserable situation I had gone through, I was now able to be the kind of person who could express themselves in the abstract. Thankfully, almost none of it exists today. Most of it wasn't very good, terrible if I am going to be honest, and related to working through and trying to understand my place in the world, and what was going on with me emotionally at the time. It was contrived, self absorbed and embarrassing – what you might expect from a slightly foolish broken hearted teenage girl who thought that freemasons ran the government and had just lost everything she held dear. I would type out three or four poems a day, print them out, and put it in this book that I had pasted a picture of David Bowie as the goblin king in the Labyrinth on the front of. I picked some less personal poems from my collection for this particular school project, and I actually was able to get some kind of grade for her class, though I would not read them in front of anyone so my grade was docked. I remember all the boys in my class had written poems about football. One of them went something like 1,2, kicked football with my shoe … ecetera. At the end, the closing line was “touchdown”. It was hard not to laugh. I know it's not nice to laugh at other people's poetry, but it was hard to not watch this crude ignorant ass read this with all seriousness in their dim little eyes. For these young men, for most people I went to school with, this is as complex as any emotion could ever be. Kicking a ball around. And Ava ended up plagiarizing her poems from various lyrics, she was praised for her creativity. I have no idea how she didn't get caught.

I had somehow been able to hide the chair I busted from my dad by taking the pieces and hiding them in a dumpster downtown. Later I think David told him, but he didn't do or say much to me about it to me strangely enough. Maybe an act of violence was something my father might actually be able to understand. After I broke the chair, I laid on the floor all night and didn't think of anything, only this swirling feeling of my own reality, not even due to my circumstances, just this strange sense that I was simultaneously alone in the universe, that I was sentient, temporary, and at the same time interconnected with everything else. I had never ever seen myself this way. I had more or less been like a small rodent who finds things they like and takes them in. I had not questioned my place in the world, or the meaning behind it up till now. I wondered honestly if anything had ever actually been real. It is strange how pain can do that to a person.

I woke up that morning still on the floor and I felt like a completely different person. I didn't feel good, or bad anymore. Like some old ancient wisdom had simply been found, and I was bigger than the young lass I had been before, pining for the attention of a boy, which was all that had ever really mattered until then. I felt my own existence differently than I had previously. My eyes saw color differently, my skin felt different. It was almost indistinguishable from my previous self, but with added awareness. I didn't believe in God anymore, or at least one that I thought might have some personal relationship to my well being. And I didn't think that was a bad thing or a good thing. It just felt settled. I had never been a person of faith mind you, but I had always assumed there had been one on some level, as well as a sort of order to our lives on earth that would culminate into something heavenly later on and might protect me from evil if I had asked. It wasn't a belief, as much as it had been a notion.

Now, I just didn't think so. I was now ready to embrace atheism. I was also able to recognize this big vacant emptiness that was at the middle of everything that we all know about and try to hide from, and that we should accept and try to embrace that void rather than fill it up manically. So, though I was now discarding my belief in a higher power, at least one that I could logically contemplate the existence of, I also really felt like I was embracing a greater spiritual understanding.

I had started listening to a lot of Radiohead. Pop music had lost it's grip of me completely. It felt played out and dead. People on the television didn't hold their previous glamour. I was not interested in being pacified anymore. I wanted to embrace things that connected with death, love, and might even make me feel uncomfortable. I didn't think that being happy really mattered anymore. Happiness chooses you, and comes and goes. The harder you try to be happy, the more it alludes you. This isn't to say that self care has no purpose, or you shouldn't strive to be productive or lead a good life. But happiness is not the culmination of those things exactly. When you find yourself in a state of bliss, you consider yourself lucky, and know that it will not last. Nothing lasts, and it's okay. For just about everyone I had ever known, everyone had gone about the business of wanting to feel good immediately, to get what they want. But I was now aware that there was something to be said for not getting what you want. Happiness was not the goal.

Ava was no longer someone I looked forward to seeing. She was selfish and mean spirited. I think what she had done to me actually was causing her to embrace her full on hedonistic asshole self more fully. If she let herself feel remorse, then all her insecurities would come spilling out. And honestly, I think Ava was mentally ill back then. They would have diagnosed her with borderline or something. I am not trying to excuse her behavior, but in the long run, she was ultimately her own worst enemy. I was the best friend she ever had. She admitted this, and she knew it was true. I stuck by her when she was being unpleasant and mildly abusive. I actually cared about Ava. Most people were enchanted by her when her moods were up and she was outrageously hilarious and glowingly gorgeous, but as soon as she became moody, ego maniac, an attention whore and a manipulative unstable wreck, people left. I didn't however. You have to accept people's low points as well as their good.

I was getting fed up though. I was getting to this point where I was not emotionally strong enough to balance what she had done and give her ego so much of a boost while trying to figure out my own bleeding wounds that had not even begun to heal. I think in a way it almost made her angrier that I had accepted what she had done as well as I had. She would have felt better had I lashed out. She wanted some kind of punishment. I wasn't taking the situation easy at all, but I wasn't blaming her as much as I was changing my perspective a lot. I was going home and thinking about death for eight hours before finally going to sleep. My skin hurt, I felt like I was choking half the time. And Ava did nothing to be there for me. Nobody wanted to listen to what I had to say.

So, there was this day where Ava used my home phone to call Tyeson. She had gotten to this point where she simply was losing her mind with frustration at not having had much success in getting with him. She had had Zack, and now she wanted to fix that in her mind I think by getting with someone she actually wanted. She called him from my house, and she forgot to block the number. She had actually been prank calling him for a few months to hear his voice. Today, he called my number back and was not having it. I answered, and he went into a big angry thing about how I needed to leave him alone. I tried to play dumb, but he didn't want to hear it.

Ava broke down right about then, and I hung up on Tyeson. She started screaming and crying and saying that she was a stupid ugly bitch and that she had the worst life of any of us and none of us understood her. She started hitting herself in the face lightly and looking around at Sarah (who was also present) and I in her typical attention seeking routine. I might have had more compassion, except I had literally had to talk myself out of suicide because she had made decisions based on her sex drive and her drive to dominate everyone. She had kind of ruined my life. So I instead I just watched her and she threw herself on the floor and began kicking and screaming like a baby. I was cold about it because of the bigger picture. Sarah was colder about it because she is far more composed by nature. We both just stood there. I then told her, if anything, she was the one who fucked me over, she was the one who wanted to prank call Tyeson, and if anything, I was the one who should be angry at her, and I wasn't.

She suddenly got up off the floor in a blind rage. She told me to shut the fuck up, and then she ran outside. She grabbed a large granite rock from the garden and I watched her through the front living room window as she aggressively yelled that she was going to take this rock and throw it through the front window. As if I didn't already have enough troubles. I knew there was nothing I could do if she had decided to go through with it. I just sighed and let her threaten. She then took the rock and threatened to bash my father's RX7 in with it. I was really annoyed. She then didn't do this, and instead she threw the rock back into the garden, came in and took the phone to call her mom to come pick her up.

The next week, as I was sitting in my English class, I got a call from the office saying I was needed in the counseling room. So I got my books and shuffled into the counselor's office, and there was Ava. She was acting extremely formal and talking in a very clear 'adults love me' voice with the principal about me. I think in an act of revenge or something, she had decided to go to the counselor and tell them that I was acting insane and was being a terrible friend. This was so ludicrous and insulting that if I had the self respect I had today, I would have just laughed and gone back to class. But I sat in. It was extremely uncomfortable and completely insulting to me in every way. The counselor and Ava both were nodding their heads to one another as they spoke about what a poor student I was, how I had a sick obsession with death that was 'hurting Ava's positive outlook and affecting her grades'. I wanted to explain how she had fucked (actually fooled around, but it's not really so different in a sense) the one person I had loved more than anyone, as well as everything else she had gotten away with, but I didn't go there. I got defensive and nervous and shifty, and in every way probably behaved as though I was hiding the very poor qualities they were attributing to me. I felt like I was in a no win situation.

Had I explained the depths of what I was going through, the school would have ruled me insane for other reasons, for being too much in love, for being too interested in the meaning of life. And the counselor talked to people in the office, and the office people told other students all the dirt. So if I talked about my life, it would have been all over the school. The hypocrisy in the room was extremely thick. I acted like an aloof punk, I got passively reprimanded, Ava pointing this out like this was what I did all the time 'See what I mean??!' she would say to counselor, who would nod in agreement. Basically, they came to the conclusion that I was delusional and insane. As soon as I got out of the small horrible room, I had to sit in the bathroom for awhile to let the rage and absolute frustration fade away. It was moments like this where, Zack's words explaining to me that the school was trying to beat me down to nothing and they were all somewhat conspiring against me started to make some emotional sense.

Zack and I were still tight. I just felt completely horrible and sick and at the same time in love with him, which was conflicting and painful, but nevertheless, I still adored him, and it was obvious. If my friends actually believed that I wasn't infatuated with him anymore, they were deluding themselves, which at the present time, they probably were. In the last month of school, Zack had to be separated in class. I was really frustrated, being separated, but we found a way to stay connected. He got this roll of toilet paper, and he took a long line of it that would span the distance between our desks. One one side, I began twisting, and on the other side, he twisted. While our history teacher drawled on and on, we twisted the toilet paper so tight that it became like a wire. We did this for the entirety of class.

Ava was in the same class, and I could tell this made her angry. The next class period in history, We were all allowed to sit together and even move our desks close, I don't recall the reason. Ava tried to force Zack to scoot his desk with hers, and he told her he didn't want to. She got up, and started screaming at him, saying she wasn't going to deal with his shit. She glared at me, and left the classroom. I couldn't lie. I felt a smile draw on my lips. There was something satisfying about seeing Ava not get her way.

And then there was the week before Ava's birthday. Ava had a birthday party a week earlier than her birth date. Her mom didn't want all of us girls making noises all night in the house, so she set up this camper outside, a relatively big camper with a bedroom and a small living room space. Me, Sarah, Teal and Samantha were all invited. Ava had just bought Pink Floyd's The Wall, and we were all going to sit and watch it for the first time. I was blown away. The symbolism in The Wall made so much sense to me, in every way. I felt so connected with the film that there were times I had to hide little tears in the corner of my eyes. The other girls, at the end of the movie, all commented about how 'trippy' it was, and how you could only understand the message if you were high. I disagreed vehemently, but had trouble explaining myself without getting frowned at by the others. The concepts and the meaning behind the film were so clear to me. I felt like this was the first piece of art that I could actually relate to. I felt like I understood everything so clearly that it hurt.

Ava accused me of trying to pretend I was deep. I said nothing further. She then started talking about sex. Teal, Samantha and Ava now had all had some kind of sexual experience to talk about. They started talking about everything they had done and who with. Ava was bragging about Zack in this really mindless way. Talking about his anatomy and such. I knew she was trying to get some kind of reaction from me. I just closed down. I passively glared at everyone. These people weren't my friends. None of these people had any sense of the pain I was in, or cared. They didn't get any message from The Wall, and for that not to sink in even a little, it showed just how shallow and pointless they all were. They saw me as weak. I didn't think it was a good idea to speak up though. If I did, where would it end? My eyes started watering however, so I laid down, and I pulled the sheets over my head. We were listening to the radio, and I remember very clearly listening to Bizarre Love Triangle by New Order. I had always loved that song, but didn't know how to tell people that I liked an 80's hit – at this time the 80's were considered as uncool as some people consider the early 00's now. I felt like I was probably too sensitive to be at this sleepover, and I was wishing I could just go home.

Sarah spoke up though. She had been silent this entire conversation, and I could tell she was really nervous and uncertain of her place in the conversation. But she spoke up anyway, and bless her little soul for it. What she said wasn't that liberating or outstanding, but the lack of sympathy displayed was making her mad too and it was hard for her to sit through it. She told Ava, in front of the other two, that she thought what Ava had done was wrong, and she should actually be more ashamed of herself for betraying a friend, and that both she and I didn't want to hear about this. Samantha looked a little guilty. Ava, once again, as you might imagine was blown away and upset. She ran out of the camper to her own room in the house. Teal followed behind her. Teal of course was thoroughly for Ava's egomania. They came back a few hours later, avoiding me at all costs in the clear fashion that let me know that I had been the topic of discussion. And it was funny, because even though Sarah had been the one to say it, Ava and everyone else saw it as something that I had said. The next morning, Ava told me that her mother didn't want me at the house anymore, because I was trashy, poor, and obsessed with death – macabre. I was a futureless bum and I would never get into a good college. Ava didn't need to be around people like me, and I was ruining Ava's future by being around her. Ava was a winner, I was a loser. Simple as that.

The next weekend, I decided I was going to hang out with just Sarah. Ava didn't allow Sarah and I to hang out anymore. It had been over half a year since we had last spent any length of time together. Ava would always call to see where we were. If she had ever found out that we had hung out and she was not invited, than there would be hell to pay. So I simply stopped contacting Sarah in person. Ava didn't even want us calling each other. And I now felt like I could trust Sarah. We had always been good friends, and had always really connected on a certain level, even as children when she used to be a bit mean to me we had still had another side of our friendship that was very freeing. Now, perhaps to some degree a little overly adamant in my desperation to feel somewhat connected to at least one person in the world, I now chose to accept Sarah as my one true friend. Perhaps the only friend I had ever actually had.

I felt like Sarah needed a lot of work. My newfound perceptions about life had given me a bit of an ego. That ego was largely created I think to protect me, but it was starting to become my master. Slowly, I was starting to see myself as clearly better than everyone else. I felt like Sarah was lacking in a lot of ways. She wasn't very passionate. She seemed to prefer to sleep all the time, and avoid anything uncomfortable at all costs. I wanted Sarah to step up as an equal, to fight back, to question me sometimes, and she seemed to not want to do that. She seemed to crumple up when I asked her what she thought about anything. She posed as a cool kid, but was actually lost. She avoided certain things, rather than face them and this bothered me. But, I felt like I could fix that. Sarah was a good person. She did have a very strong sense of apathy. And on some level, she seemed to really understand me.

I will give Ava one thing. She got her revenge on Mr. Driskoll. (For those who aren't aware, Mr. Driskoll was the football coach who had made sexually inappropriate jokes about Ava's weight, talked about how he wanted to bone teenagers with the football players, who had essentially been the ringleader one night in sexually harassing Ava in the beginning of the school year – he was/is a disgusting person who didn't deserve to have a job). It all started with this incident where Zack intentionally began telling Ava about how Tyeson was sleeping with one of the cheerleaders, in great detail. Ava became derailed. Zack did this I think to piss her off. I just sat there on the bench and watched Ava freak out and go to the girl's bathroom. The bell rang, and we all headed to computer class. Mr. Driskoll was lazily in charge of typing class for some reason – a budget thing I guess. Ava came into class late. She was obviously in the middle of having a panic attack and was trying to make it quiet, and failing badly.

Mr. Driskoll foolishly took this as a moment to be the bully and get in her face. He came up to her and he told her to knock it off. I really don't remember the altercation between the two of them, but I remember the psychological dynamics perfectly. Mr. Driskoll walked up to Ava, thinking he was going to be scary. Ava was not afraid. Ava didn't have those kinds of rules. In fact, every bit of her frenzy and frustration became totally focused on him. She basically challenged him to a fist fight. She stood up and walked towards him, and he backed up scared. She called him a pedophile. I don't know if he was one or not, but it seemed to get a reaction – like he was guilty of something. He looked scared. He was stuttering. She threw something at him. And he left the room, scared. He was shaking. He had no idea what kind of person he was dealing with.

She ended up going into his office, and threatening him to leave her the fuck alone. Which he stammered and obliged. Later, she came back to class with a sinister grin on her face, and a look of satisfied accomplishment. Mr. Diskoll walked like a beaten man, he was shaking. It reminded me of one of those scenes in movies where, the monster actually kills the corrupt cop. Obviously the monster is bad, but there is a satisfaction in watching it munch down and slash apart the other bad guys, particularly when their own hubris made them walk into it.

The Locus Blossom festival had come once again. Just as it had for my entire life. Years ago Rachelle and I had roamed the streets using our squirt guns to mow down the other kids. Even before that, I had been a little three year old, timidly picking up the candy thrown from the floats that fell on the sides of the street. And now I was a few months shy of fifteen, everything had changed, but the festival remained the same.

Zack and arrived with Melissa. It was the first time I had seen them together as a couple. Previous to that of course, I had seen them as friends before Zack and I had become friends. But now I had to see her as someone who was Zack's girlfriend. She didn't seem to be aware of just how intimate Zack was with me. She saw me more as a passive companion in a group of people, and likely she assumed that he was closer with Sarah and Ava. Melissa looked/looks an awful lot like Avril Lavigne. She was very pretty. I tried not to see myself as less than her. I tried to accept the situation for what it was. Zack was with someone else. Melissa was manipulative and there were many things that she had silently seemed to conspire against me on over the years, but I never felt like it was due to any personal dislike. I think she had been curious. And her dating Zack was not one of those things. She genuinely was in love with Zack, or at least it seemed that way. I couldn't be angry at her. It hurt, of course. But I needed to see this. And in a way, I felt like maybe both Melissa and I understood and loved Zack, so ultimately, did we not have something in common in this way?

Melissa went back home early in the day. Zack went to go get high with one of his older guy friends, and then he came back in the early evening. He talked to Allison and David, which was the first time they had ever really talked to him before, and it was amusing. He was teasing them that they should date one another. Allison and David didn't take kindly to the joke, but we were all laughing. He convinced me to disappear from my pals (if you want to call them that), and we ran down the bike path, until we found tall grass that grew by the creek that we could lay in and hide from everyone else. We just laid there and looked up at the sky. I don't remember if we said anything or not. But I remember being extremely happy, and incredibly sad at the same time as I stared up into the clouds. Everything was mixed up and incomplete. I could never and may never have been closer to Zack than I was at that time. And did Melissa really know about this? I couldn't imagine this kind of thing would fly with most girlfriends, and honestly I wouldn't blame them. This wasn't cheating, but it was certainly something. I remember just laying there, and forcing myself not to think, but rather just feel the earth beneath me and the sky above, and Zack there next to me.

Of course, Ava was on a warpath, and she was determine to find us, and she did. We heard her and we got up and proceeded with our lives and the entirety of that event rests solely in my memories of that day.

PART 36 - http://tinyurl.com/y9ygq9q8

PART 35 - http://tinyurl.com/ya5xhe2f

PART 34 - http://tinyurl.com/yc6y4p69

PART 33 - http://tinyurl.com/y87449dz

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PART 3 - http://tinyurl.com/mwp9atx

PART 2 - http://tinyurl.com/lbt6xq2

PART 1 - http://tinyurl.com/l8xbvg8

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