Petronius Maximus --- The dipshit Roman emperor who caused the sack of Rome because he was an arrogant dipshit.

Petronius Maximus was a wealthy Roman politician born in 397 AD to old Roman money. Like many wealthy Romans he went into politics and throughout the early 5th century climbed the ranks of Roman government until he became one of the most powerful men in the Western Roman Empire. He was crafty and he was ambitious. He was also a dipshit and an asshole.

By the 450's P. Maximus had a clear plan, to create a power vacuum in Rome that he could cunningly fill. He began by turning the emperor at the time, Valentinian III, against his magister militum Flavius Aetius. As magister militum Aetius was commander of the Roman Army, and had proven himself a master tactician and brilliant diplomat. Through military victories and diplomacy Aetius was barely holding a crumbling empire together. Maximus convinced Valentinian III that Aetius was looking to usurp his throne. Thus in 454 Valentinian summoned Aetius to his palace and personally murdered him with his sword. Maximus had organized the death of the most talented Roman official in the empire, which in the grand scheme of things was probably a big mistake. With Aetius dead, Maximus expected he would take Aetius' place as magister militum. However Valentinian refused to appoint him as magister militum. Thus in 455 AD, Maximus had him assassinated, hiring two of Aetius' bodyguards to do the deed as revenge.

Several powerful Romans claimed the Imperial throne but Maximus managed to beat them all to the punch by taking over the Imperial Palace and immediately marrying Valentinian's widow, Licinia Eudoxia. Licinia didn't know Maximus had murdered her husband at the time but had suspicions. He also forced her daughters, Placidia and Eudocia to marry his sons. Through deceit and murder Maximus had managed to weasel his way into the Roman Imperial family and was now creating his own Imperial dynasty. Thus Petronius Maximus had become Emperor Dipshit, ruler of the shiny turd of what was left of the Western Roman Empire.

Problem was, when Emperor Dipshit married off Placidia and Eudocia to his sons, he canceled Eudocia's arranged marriage to Hunneric, who was the son of Geiseric, king of the Vandals. The Vandals were a Germanic tribe that had set up a prosperous kingdom in the former Roman province of North Africa, and were constantly raiding the Italian coast. Valentinian had arranged the marriage of Eudocia as a peace offering to Geiseric. Geiseric had received a letter from Eudoxia informing him that Maximus had killed her husband and was canceling the marriage of Eudocia. Geiseric was enraged at Empror Dipshit for canceling the marriage, and sent a Vandal fleet and army to Rome in response. "No problem" said Emperor Dipshit, "we got the Roman Army".

Except there was no Roman Army. Not really. After the death of Aetius the remains of the standing full time professional army had collapsed almost completely. Even Aetius was very dependent on mercenaries and allies. Nobody wanted to enlist in the Roman Army in the 5th century, with Romans going so far as to cut off their own fingers to avoid conscription. The Roman economy was a mess, the Imperial bureaucracy was riddled with corruption, the life of the average Roman was miserable, and by the 5th century most Roman emperors were snobbish, over-privileged, incompetent out of touch dipshits. The empire was dying and everybody knew it. Few believed it was worth saving, and nobody wanted to die for a dipshit emperor such as Emperor Dipshit. By 455 AD what was left of the Roman Army consisted of militia units called "limitanei" who acted as border patrolmen far away from Rome. For more complex military operations the Romans were fully dependent on mercenaries and allies. Emperor Dipshit attempted to enlist the help of the Visigoths, but they were like, "LMFAO nooo, you made your bed now lie in it!" I speculate they knew Maximus was a dipshit who was probably gonna get them all killed.

Emperor Dipshit knew it was a hopeless situation, so he made an announcement to the Roman people to flee and save themselves, then he too turned tail and fled. He was spotted by a large group of Roman refugees, who formed a mob and beat him to death. Good riddance. Emperor Dipshit's glorious reign lasted 77 days.

As far as sackings go the sack of Rome in 455 AD wasn't too bad. The Vandals were Christians, so the Pope was able to convince them not to do the more horrible things like rape and murder civilians, or burn down the city. So for the most part the Vandals refrained from bloodshed and arson. However they did take as many Romans into slavery as they could fit on their ships, and they also looted the city of almost everything of value. Even the bronze tiles on the roof of the Temple of Jupiter were pried off and carted away. Also Geiseric carted off Eudocia and married her off to his son Huneric.

The Vandal's sack of Rome in 455 is where we get the term "vandalism" today. Also did I mention that Petronius Maximus was a dipshit?

another snippet of the fanfic! hehe

“Is that a threat?” Batman asked. “Nope, it’s a warning. There is a reason why we don’t allow access to those documents,” Danny said and then pointed at Red Hood, “I am doing you a favor. Keep that in mind.” Red Hood whistled and smiled, “Oh, don’t worry. I’m not forgetting this in a million years.” Robin and Red Robin groaned. And Danny was pretty sure he heard Black Bat giggle and Batman sigh. Nightwing said nothing. He simply pushed Red Hood off the ledge.

The good news is: I will be posting the fic soon! Let me know if you want to get tagged when I post it (if you have already commented on one of my other posts, you don't need to worry about it, I already will tag you)

That's not how it works there, why don't you go deny the Armenian genocide a bit more and try congress again later on.

Link

Best Curse Word Tournament!

dipshit (English) /ˈdɪpʃɪt/ a stupid or inept person

herranjumala (Finnish) /ˈherːɑnˌjumɑlɑ/ oh my God

Why in front of us?

Dipshit

I drew this from memory (no ref) so if the colors are off or if it just sucks.... yell at me, I guess

(Alt version below the cut)

Alt version:

Hey Kid!!

I’d love ta talk to ya! You know- get the inside scoop in your social circles!

- @justinhammer234

Ummmmmm

After a few minutes I get boring

After far too long festering

I become dull, unpolished

like the statue no one buys

I am not a rainbow of colours

I am a sun, blazing bright

Unable to allow others time

To breathe or cool

simply suffocate

under the heat of my presence

Breath heavy and shallow

Joy heavy and shallow

sinking like a stone

sinking like a groan

Again, I'm sorry I haven't been posting much on here recently - but I need to pass on this petition, against the fucking coward Ricky Gervais for his shit, witless "comedy". In case you've not heard, Gervais's latest special - due to premiere on Netflix on Christmas fucking Day - makes fun of the disabled and terminally ill children just because he can. The material so far available demonstrates, as if any proof were even needed by this stage, that it is utterly witless bilge designed for aging psychopaths to enjoy.

Please sign this petition and help get it to the total - even if it doesn't lead Netflix to do anything, it'll at least piss him off a bit.

teachers in my school:

"am i making sense to you?"

"if you don't talk to me, how am I going to help you"

"study everything I'm telling you to, or else I'm going to come in your dreams to remind you that"

(teacher's rizz)

kill yourself <3

do it for me (⁎⁍̴̆Ɛ⁍̴̆⁎)

Best Curse Word Tournament!

hog grubber (English) /hɒɡ ɡɹʌbə/ a stingy or greedy fellow

dipshit (English) /ˈdɪpʃɪt/ a stupid or inept person

would you smooch a kai?

Wh. what kind of fucking question is that???