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colestis · 4 years

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It’s Just A Kiss . . . Right? Part 1

when tj and cyrus make up and become a couple under the moonlight at the swing set, what happens when tj invites him to his christmas family gathering they find themselves under the mistletoe?

pretend costume day happened around christmas time.

Tj’s Mother's POV

"Hey, Mom . . . can we talk?" Tj's voice rings through the kitchen as I'm getting dinner ready. Tj hasn't been open with me lately, so I will take any opportunity to have a conversation with him that would let him crack his shell.

It used to be bad. A year ago I didn't even know who he was. He just seemed like a person that lived with us, a frown always ghosting his face. Whenever I would ask about school, he would automatically shut down while saying okay with a fake smile.

He would never talk about friends. He would never talk about sports. We would never talk about academics. He would just stand there.

He was like a ticking time bomb, about the explode at any moment. He was always angry at himself, but I never knew why.

But it was halfway through 7th grade, and I started to see him smile. I saw him laugh and not struggle as much with academics and be happy. I never knew that side of him at the time and It made me so happy to see his breath.

He was always holding his breath, never breathing. But now he was happy.

Until one day he ran into the house crying, and ran upstairs, the slam of his bedroom door shaking our small house. I had never seen him so sad before then.

And that's how he was ever since, and It breaks my heart. Why would someone so happy get so . . . shattered?

I still remember his bad jokes, or his laugh, or his smile that seemed to take him over around one of his new friends Cyrus.

Wait.

One of his new friends Cyrus.

"What's up?" From experience, I know what to do in these situations learning from a combination of Tj and Amber.

"I've needed to tell you something. I've actually put this off for a while and that's r-really bad." He seemed to be shaking, a tear rolling down one of his cheeks. He looks so scared. I know not to say anything right now, so I look at him with sympathetic eyes.

"You know my friend um . . . Cyrus right?" He asks, a sad smile sneaking its way onto his face. I would know that look from anywhere, but I didn't pay attention to it. The thought didn't cross my mind.

"Yeah. Isn't he the short brunette, one you bring over a lot?" I ask to make sure I was correct, knowing I already was. I'll never forget how happy he was around him, and the happiness seemed to be reciprocated.

"Something happened between us and" he pauses to take a deep breath "it's all my fault. Everything that happened." I've never seen him so . . .

I can't find out the word.

Ashamed?

I let him continue talking, knowing that's what he wants before he chickens out and starts talking about something else.

"Remember costume day and how Cyrus and I were supposed to go as a duo? We were doing an inside joke." He asks, shuffling on the stool he was sitting on at the counter. I nod, not knowing where this could go.

"Tj your scaring me." And it's true. All of it is true. Something clearly horrible happened between them, and all I want is to be normal with them friends again.

But people who were just friends wouldn't get heartbroken by something like this. It sounded like such a simple problem that did so much damage it could harm someone like Tj and Cyrus so bad — even if it's just a miscommunication.

"I'm scaring me too. I've never done this before." And that confirms one of my theories. He's opening up like never before. He hasn't cried in front of me since he was 10 and that itself was making me sad and happy at the same time. I had to hold back tears.

He sighs before explaining again. "Well, before we planned it, I was talking to this girl Kira I had just met before we ran into Cyrus. Of course, it was Cyrus! I was happy to see him and I completely ditched Kira to spend time with him." There's a certain aggressiveness with his words like he's angry at himself for doing something.

"We planned our costume, and after I spend like two to three hours with him we split. After a while, I ran into Kira again."

"We go to the same school and she asked me if we wanted to do a costume related to basketball or something, and I said I'm doing one with Cyrus. And then she was like 'So you'd rather do a costume with Cyrus then with me'" He paused again, by this time to collect his thoughts.

Was she implying something?

Something that somehow offended Tj?

He finished my thought with an answer. "She implied something about us — or a statement. People always say that duo costumes are couples' costumes." He can't even say it and that makes me feel horrible. I would be stupid to not know where this conversation is going at this point, and I'm the first person to know.

"I'm scaring me too, I haven't done this before."

"She was basically implying 'so you would rather do a costume with a boy then a girl.' And she wasn't wrong. I would to my costume with Cyrus over the lame T-shirts I did with Kira any day. And I was so close — so freaking close — to actually accepting this part of me. But it was all gone at that moment. I just sat on that bench while she walked away."

I know what's coming up next. He liked him. He clearly liked him a lot of he's crying about it. And the sad thing is that it wasn't even his fault. Internalized homophobia is an issue, and It sounds like that's something he has.

"Later that night I was just so afraid of being judged I called her and we did the costume together. I never texted Cyrus saying that I bailed, so he showed up in his. I haven't seen him since" I want to say something. I want to talk to him.

"Tj do you like Cyrus?" he looks up, and I see tears rushing down his cheeks, his hands on his head as he slowly shook his head with a sad smile.

"I think I might love him." If it was a year ago, I don't think he would be capable of loving someone. But he got so happy after meeting him I would think anything is possible. And if that means making them makeup, I would believe and do anything.

And I don't hesitate to pull him into a hug, hug arms squeezing me so hard I might choke. But I don't care because I want to help him.

I need to help him.

Tj's POV

47 messages. 23 calls. 17 voice messages. That's how many times I've called, texted, and left a voicemail. He hasn't looked at any of them, and that makes my heart ache for anything that would give me happiness.

Sure, coming out to my Mom made that easier, but she knows no boundaries. I know she's going to try and do something to help. But before I do anything about that, I want to go outside before I get kicked out of my home to 'feel cold, look at a bird'.

But it seems to be everyone's favorite time of year. It's December 23, and all I feel is heartbreak. Or whatever this is called. My first time going through this shit.

My point is that everyone's life is lit up with color right now. December Christmas lights on every porch, snow dusting everyone's front lawns, and children excited to do anything with their family, even if it's going to the bank.

But my life is in monotone. The color is blocked out, and I can't see anything happily lit up or children's cheery smiles. My world is sad while theirs is happy.

My world is black and while theirs is lit and cheery.

I'm wearing black ripped jeans and a pink hoodie with some black converse, hoping that works as an outfit. I ever wear coats in the winter. Sure, my mom yells at me about it, but I don't care.

I hear my mom yelling about a coat from another room, and I smirk to myself. My mother and I have always been close considering that my father got put in jail after abusing us, so we've been able to share anything with each other.

That's probably why coming out to her was so easy.

But how do I tell Cyrus? How do I tell my family who is most conservative? My boss at the gym? The kids at the gym? Where do I even start?

I find myself walking towards the swings, where it all started. Sitting down on the left swing, I find myself sitting there for a while. There's one moment I play on a loop in my head though, there's one moment that happened right here. When I realized I like him.

"You can be annoying, you know that?"

"Well you can be oblivious"

"Well you can be judgy"

"You know what else you are?"

"What."

"The only person I can talk to like this."

Why didn't I just kiss him then when our faces were so close and I could count every microscopic freckle on his face? Why did I not just get the heartbreak out of the way?

I can remember everything though, and I won't stop thinking about it anytime soon. Cyrus is the most important person to me, and even if it causes me heartbreak to see him walking in the halls, I'll have to deal with that.

But something else echos in my head. Many things.

"You still haven't apologized"

"Why didn't you call?"

"What did you do?"

"What did you—

I just wish I could apologize, but I don't get that luxury. People always push people away when they are in my position, but I only have that moment on loop in my head playing over and over like your favorite song on repeat, making me want to see him even more.

I just want everything to stop.

Please, make it stop.

Let me feel nothing.

And at this point I'm crying, my request not being followed. Thanks for nothing, universe.

• • •

It was now around 10:00, and I didn't mind that I was probably going to get grounded. Streetlights illuminated the streets of Shadyside as Tj was still sitting on a swing, not knowing what exactly to do.

But I see a figure in the distance walking towards me though, and I start to gather my things hoping they won't see my red puffy eyes and ask me what's wrong.

The figure comes closer towards me though, and I can start to make out who they are. They have brown hair and are wearing a polo with a coat and navy blue jeans with white converse.

Wait.

Cyrus wears polos and jeans, had those same converse, and has brown hair.

As he gets closer, I see that his hair looks like a mess, he isn't smiling like usual, his posture low instead of facing up, and his eyes are red. It makes me upset to think that I could have done this much damage to both of us.

I really need to apologize, to talk to him, to see him smile again, to see him laugh again, to be friends with him again.

But then he stops in his tracks and stares at me, and I stare back. The world comes to its senses, and Cyrus starts to walk towards me. It's like we're to magnets, and the spark between us is bringing us together.

I don't remember who hugs who first, but I feel his arms wrap around my neck, his warm breath on my shoulder as my heartbeat beats in sync with his as I feel his against his chest. I guess I make his heartbeat fast too.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Cyrus says, his voice muffled. He buries his face deeper into my shoulder, and somehow gets closer to me. A tear rolls down my cheek, and I think he might be crying too. I can't tell.

"Hey, you didn't do anything. I should be the one who's apologizing. I bailed on costume day, and it wasn't the right thing to do in the situation I was in." I say rubbing circles on his back.

"I was curious about that." He mummers into my shoulder. "But you don't have to tell me about it." He adds. I trust him enough to though. I'm ready.

"No, I want to tell you why. I just want you to promise to not tell anyone, and that you promise not to hate me." Cyrus was raised in a religious family, and he might not accept me.

"Tj I could never hate you." He says, lifting his head from my shoulder, looking into each other's eyes. His deep chocolate eyes never fail to take me in, and I have to pull myself out to not get lost.

"I um . . . I never wanted to do the costume with Kira. I never would. It's just . . . when I told her I was doing a costume with you, she said something — implied something that really affected me. And it wasn't that I didn't want to get made fun of, o-or didn't approve of it it's just—"

"Hey, it's okay. Take deep breaths, okay?" Cyrus was easier by four therapists, so it's easy for him to calm someone down. He would always say 'those are my four shrink parents' and I would find it funny every time.

"She said 'so you would rather do a costume with Cyrus than me?' And she was basically implying I would rather do a costume with a boy than a girl. But I got so triggered by it because it's true. All of it was true." At this point, I didn't care if we didn't have a fairytale ending. I'm so caught up in confessing that I didn't notice Cyrus leaning forward.

But it gets so hard to look someone in the eye and confess something so personal. Sometimes you just shut down. Sometimes you just burst into tears. And that's what I did. My heartbeat wouldn't go back to normal, Cyrus was still standing there though, waiting for me to finish, being patient.

I could never do that.

"Hey, I get it. And I would never judge you for it. In fact, I would be a hypocrite if I did. I know what you're going through right now, and it's okay. You are still you." I can't believe I ever thought that I didn't think he wouldn't understand. But with my fingers still on his chin, and me still staring into my eyes, I feel myself leaning forward.

And then he's kissing me, and I'm kissing him, and I don't know who kissed who first, but that doesn't matter to me. He tilts his head to kiss me deeper and moves his arms around my neck, and I move mine around his waist. It feels like the world is on its knees before us, and everything around us is fading away like we're the only thing that matters.

I don't remember when I thought I was straight.

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