a wip with doc-o-gator

speaking of being slow. i wish i was a faster writer. i can write and i can write well, but it takes me significantly longer than nearly everyone i know. i just cannot get words out as easily as other people seem to and it is so frustrating all the time. i am working on editing my resume right now for applications. this is the third day i have worked on it. all i have needed to do this entire time is change the format to fit grad school rather than a job and add my recent work history. this isn't even two pages long. i have been working on it for 3 and 1/2 hours tonight and it's still not done. ITS NOT EVEN 500 WORDS APPARENTLY. i want to cry

fictalkfictalkfictalk

um, you guys, is this true????

Starting to wonder what the point of this international affairs degree is if I don't want to go to grad school or law school or work for the state department. As usual talking to my mother was no help at all and just made me feel worse.

It's so annoying just how right my dad can be, while still being incredibly wrong. Because, when talking about how he has to scan a QR code to petition the school to not have her classes end up as audits because she's missed x amount of days, he brought up how her grades were good in all of her classes. And we both agree that the QR thing is stupid when they don't also give a web address to do it on!(Not to mention that he got this paper today, the last day to do this). And he made a comment about how schools are just teaching us how to pass tests, how to be cogs in a machine. And he's right.

Like don't get me wrong, there are quite a few things that schools do well. But, for highschool, you have like 8 classes a day, with only one early release say where you then have like, 4. Not to mention homework, oh but if you want to do extracurriculars like soccer you have to have at least C's and no more than 6 tardies/absences that aren't excused by a doctor's note. Even though for a good half of the year you have to wake up before dawn to get to school on time(not mentioning 0 hour classes). And the other half the year you're waking up right as sunrise is starting. Which is kind of how it works at a lot of jobs.

And like, dad's right about that.

But he's also voting for a lot of the people who are the reason behind this.

He mentioned how they're taking history out of schools, and he's right, but he's voting for the people doing it.

And it's so fucking disheartening, because he can see what's wrong, he knows fundamentally what's wrong. But he doesn't seem to realize who is doing it.

And I'm not sure what to do about it either. Because he gets so irrationally angry and defensive of the people he's voting for, and I live with him because I don't have any other options. So sitting down with him and talking just isn't an option right now.

remember when you were like "do you want to go to england with me for a week even though we've never met and havent talked that much" and i was like absolutely and then we did it and it was a blast. LIKE WHO DOES THAT AKFHWLFHKWHD ARE WE WEIRD!?!?!?

we’re ABSOLUTELY weird but who else is doing it like us? when hella met my brother he was BIG sad cause he was like, wow you like have cool real friends. and like yeah partially cause she’s international, but also just like, the fact that i have so many friends who i know i can rely on no matter what. like, i know i’m kinda shit at responding to your snaps and your posts and everything. but if you called me rn and said ‘hey i need to get out of [REDACTED] can i come stay with you?’ i would say, yes hannah, of course. i have a full-sized bed and we’ve shared before. you deserve the vacation time and i would love to introduce you to where i live. when you texted me randomly this summer, i was SO EXCITED to meet you in a random ass dog park and see you for 15 minutes. my biggest regret of our friendship is that we don’t talk more, but also i kinda love that my tumblr moots all understand my constant ghosting isn’t personal, it’s just how i am and it doesn’t lessen my love for them. next time i’m on the east coast i want to see you. if you’re ever on the west coast i BETTER see you.

i love art and making art so terribly and yet. i cannot do it. lol!

fuck calculus :)

Hopefully this is a just a ‘last few days’ thing and not a ‘next few weeks’ thing, but I’m feeling pretty Not Great, and I’m EXTREMELY busy, so idk how soon I will update my fic again. Also, I want to make sure the next chapter is perfect because it’s sort of the climax of the story. It might be a while. Sorry.

Love y’all. Thank you for the support. Sorry I don’t always reply; I get shy or sometimes I’m too busy, but once I have time later, I feel like it’s too late to reply, and I don’t want to be annoying. Augh. Anyway. I really appreciate you guys and your readership :) or even if you haven’t read Silver Linings, and you just followed from my awful Henry Bitmoji PowerPoint slides 🫶 haha

I have spent the last month absolutely plagued by demons (ADHD impulses telling me to just go and adopt a dog even though it's not a good idea with my current living situation) and today I finally submitted an application to volunteer as a dog walker with the local humane society instead. Everybody say good job vyvansebaby

btw i was Really Smart in communications today :]

Y'all being considered part of the professional staff at work is still so jarring urhgyrhyujk

But I'm super proud of myself for getting to where I'm at today, and I think I deserve to be <3

lyrics: i’m a silly stupid angel, smile sweetly as you watch / and my wings are frail and brittle, and i whisper when i talk / please don’t remind me of the role i’m here to play / please god forgive me for the things that i can’t say / self actualization, maybe this is how it ends / i fall into formation, service is my fulfillment / i’m your soulmate in denial, self esteem gets in the way / and i’m just a little child who won’t live to see the day / when i’m regarded as a human being too / but all your lies just start to blend into my truth / self actualization, maybe this is how it ends / i fall into formation, service is my fulfillment / don’t try to tell me i’m not happy / don’t try to tell me this is wrong / don’t try to tell me that i’m broken / cause by now i’m too far gone / self actualization, maybe this is how it ends / i fall into formation, service is my fulfillment / self actualization, maybe this is how it ends / i fall into formation, service is my fulfillment / self actualization, maybe this is how it ends / i fall into formation, service is my fulfillment / self actualization, maybe this is how it ends / i fall into formation, service is my fulfillment

i'm going to delete this later but i need to just. yell.

That uncharted land of being back in physical classes, actually being able to pay attention in school, being in a better-supported city, and having medication that targets the dysfunctional parts of neurodivergency in my life meeting with the pre-undergrad labels of being the "omg you're so smart", "you need to help me with my work", "I bet you don't need to study for anything", and "you're a pleasure in class" that I thought I've been able to get away from