unfriendly reminder to folks (but especially cis men) to stop dismissing hirsutism like it's a joke or no big deal to the people who have it (especially afab people). or i'm gonna start stabbing yall with tweezers.

i mean just imagine if there was a condition for yall that very gradually changed the hair to thin out or follicles to stop producing entirely and the only way to treat it is with medications that barely do shit or have side effects that outweigh the benefits or uncomfortable medical procedures that don't always have the results you'd like and it's something almost always on your mind because it's your body and obviously you're going to notice the changes and discomforts to it much more than other people and everyone treated it like the butt of a joke or tried to constantly tell you they don't think it's that bad OH WAIT

how i started to feel pretty

hey loves! i’ve struggled with feeling insecure over my looks, but recently i’ve made changes that have helped me be less insecure. little improvements with my lifestyle and mindset have already made a big difference. first i’m going to talk about my insecurities, then what i did and then general tips.

my insecurities:

hyperpigmentation. i have bad undereye bags due to genetics that landed my family to call all of our eyes “raccoon eyes.” then redness above my eyelids, then darkness above my upper lip no matter how much i shaved. 

facial asymmetry. we all have it, but i felt so bad anytime i took a selfie and i couldn’t bear to take any photos of myself. 

body dysmorphia. this one is weird. i don’t view my body the way others do, and honestly the way i view it changes all the time.

changes i’ve made:

first i started doing things that didn’t help. they were temporary solutions that did nothing. i used concealer and powder for the hyperpigmentation- but it looked cakey and a little ashy-kinda cuz i wasn’t using a color corrector. for my body i did these “abs in 2 weeks!” challenges during covid, and was restrictive, which is the worst thing you can do for yourself.

for my skin:

i started using the glycolic acid serum by the ordinary. this stuff is life changing! i’ve been going makeup free on my skin lately and my skin tone has gotten so much more even. plus it’s affordable and it’s a giant bottle.

for my face:

i started doing face massages for muscle tension

i also realized that my facial asymmetry is 1) normal (we all have it to a certain extent and 2) it’s probably not as bad as i think it is. 

for my body:

i’ve started to focus more on health than appearances, because that my view of my body is distorted. i don’t see it like other people do, so i need to prioritize my health. i started eating MORE- more foods that are healthy, more fruits and vegtables. instead of restricing i allowed myself to have more.

i developed a pilates plan that focused on building strength, and incorporated a little bit of weights. now that i play sports i’ve put an emphasis on strength which has actually helped me get more toned.

journaling. i began to write down about my feelings- the way i view other people vs. the way i view myself. it made me realize how social media gave me an unrealistic image, and how i wasn’t viewing myself the way i really am.

advice:

what are you insecure about? the first step is just writing down your biggest insecurities- aka why don’t you feel beautiful? what made you feel this way? no one is born feeling ugly- we’re all taught to feel this way, whether it’s comments that have been made to us or others.

find people with similar stories. this helped me in the past, watching videos about people who had the same insecurities as me, it opened my eyes to how harshly i treat myself. 

get to the root of it. for my skin i realized that covering up my hyperpigmentation with makeup wouldn’t solve the problem, so i put an emphasis on incorporating things into my skincare routine that could solve the problem, without makeup!

think in the long-term. think about what’s healthy for you, and the most natural way of doing so. for example, when it came to my body i had to think about what’s healthy for me overall, not a quick fix. quick fixes aren’t attainable!

prioritize mental and physical health. i think we should all embrace our natural beauty by focusing on our skincare and the health of our hair. additionally, mental health is equally important, especially when it comes to body image.

positive thinking. a lot of times we tend to vocalize our negative thoughts, ive heard ppl make horrible comments about their bodies and things like that. first of all, stop saying those things out loud- you’re only reaffirming them in your head, and furthering the bad feeling. when you get horrible thoughts about yourself, try to stop them and replace them with good ones. even if you don’t believe it at first, you soon will.

it sometimes takes a while for beautiful people to realize how gorgeous they are. i had friends who i thought were some of the prettiest girls in the world, but they didn’t even realize it. i bet there’s so many people in your life who look at you and see the beauty in you that you don’t see in yourself. just stay healthy and keep positive thoughts, and i hope in time you’ll see your inner and outer beauty.

Allright. Elliott thread that nobody asked for. Part 4

The words you read seem to be some alien gibberish? Try these first:

Part 1   |    Part 2     |   Part 3      

Don’t worry guys. It will be over soon, I promise.

Bevore we start: This happened yesterday.

And I basically turned into that iCarly gif, where she’s on the Computer, sippin’ her drink and goes: interesting.

Because look who we have here. Our future husband acting all self-aware? Right after I assumed in my last post that he never talks about the possibility of his failure...

Elliott, do you know that I talk shit about you on Tumblr?

Please stop breaking the 4th wall...

To safe at least some of my ‘credibility’, he followed this up with something along the lines of:

“No, no...I am not fishing for compliments. Which does not mean I don't appreciate them ;) “.

Sure. Whatever.

In comparison to that:

A few in-game days previously, I had a cut-scene with Leah, where the player can suggest that she should organise an art show. And there, Leah openly communicated her fears of ppl not liking her art. I was surprised about how open she was, given that it was probably her 2nd heart event or something (?). It's interesting, how Leah (who I perceived to be more reserved than Elliott), was so willing to let us know about her insecurities. Meanwhile, Elliot seems to brush these thoughts aside rather quickly and returns to his nonchalant, graceful self.

I always thought that from the two of them, it might be Elliott who is more vocal about his emotions. But now, Elliott doesn't seem to wear his heart on his sleeves as much as I thought he would. Which changed the way I think about him quite a bit. Maybe he is more likely to hide behind platitudes and a self-assuring smile, after all.

And what can we take from this, when we would want to write, let’s say a scene with Leah/Elliott friendship dynamic?

What do you guys think?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyways, before I was so disgracefully exposed, I was roasting Elliott’s life choices. To which I now gladly return to.

You see, the "issue" I see with Elliott is, that he plays into a trope:

The brooding hermitic author, who turned his back onto society in favour of finding inspiration in nature.

While this might sound thrilling and "romantic", we know that Elliott is not the best candidate to conform to this lifestyle. Just compare, how we as the player, manage to form quite strong relationships with everyone in Pelikan Town just by talking to them regularly.

We see Elliott outside the beach-area quite often. But aside from Leah, he does not seem to interact with anyone much. I don't know if there are statements about Elliott made by other characters, to have some inkling on how they feel about him. But its quite remarkable, how all other friendships outside to his connection with Leah, are not explicitly known as canon (?).

After a whole year living in this town, previous to our arrival, I would suggest, that Elliott might still be very much an outsider. He even remarks how, with our arrival, it will be nice, to no longer be "the new guy" in town.

But the problem with that might have been Elliott's reservedness, to begin with. Polite, but yet, maybe, quite impersonal. All pleasantries and platitudes as mentioned above. It all plays into Elliott's refusal to experience the comforts of a normal lifestyle in favour of pursuing his art.

And I love how Elliott just brushes that aside as if its nothing. I'd really love to know: what would have been his plan b, if his debut failed?

Worst case cenario: What would he'd done, if he ended up stranded in Pelikan Town, penniless and unsuccessful?

Where would he go? Is there a place he can return to? A previous home, previous friends?

I don't think so.

But, dedicated, impuslive, sweet, dumb Elliott just thought to himself:

“I can do that. How bad can it be???, it will be fi~ne.It will be marvellous!

Authentic, truly!

It will be superb pictouresque and that is all I need to write my novel....”

Thanks Yoba. You’ll keep doing that please.

And then we also have interactions of the likes of:

“People have scaped a living off the sea for thousands of years....

I just go to the grocery store.”

A different thought I had on Elliott kind of plays into what I already said previously. But I will adress it as its own topic.

The downside of Elliott’s ego.

As much as we explored the rather whacky / chaotic elements of his character and how he does stupid shit for prestige itself, it is interesting to see what happens when the player challenges his self-dramatisation.

I keep re-thinking if and to what degree Elliott can laugh about himself.

He is not one for self-deprecating humour, I think.

I can imagine that to be more Shane’s thing.

We see different scenarios, in which Elliott reacts differently to things not going his way. One of the positives is the whole “A tiny crab made a home inside his coat pocket”- story. I have seen two interpretations of this scene. And both are dependent on the tone, in which you read his dialogue. One group thinks he is just complaining yet again.

On the other hand, you could read it more like:

“My, look what we have here. Can you believe that [y/name]?!“.

I think that Elliott does not appear to be angry or annoyed at all in that scenario, too. He could have vented to the player, how he needs a new coat, now.  But he simply leaves it at that. And you know what?

But, there are other times, where Elliott reacts negatively to the player not doing what he wants you to do. Meaning:  your reaction to him or your behaviour in a specific situation. Let's look at his 2nd (?) heart event at the Stardrop Saloon. He comes up to the bar, finds himself in the mood for company, and orders wine for you and ale for himself. 

New Headcanon:

That little crab still lives there! It will probably live there long after you two get married. And he will feed it scraps from the dinner table even though you ask him not to.

Whatever...Sounds Cute. 

My first reaction to that was: “aw, wHaT a GeNtLemAn!!!”. My second reaction was my inner feminist having a temper tantrum because: “how dare a man, to assume what I want to drink!” 

New Headcanon on Elliott and gender roles, anyone? Or is it given, that with him being a good old fashioned lover boy, his expectation on any relationship dynamic might be more traditional?

As much as I find Elliott charming and all, this could be a great red flag and, again, beautiful material for character-conflict. Maybe Elliott needs to learn to not take everything at face value. Maybe he needs to learn, how to take a joke. Especially those made at his expense.

However, when the question arises, what the two of you should drink on, he will not laugh if you say “your doom”.

This is not something he sees as sarcasm or as a joke. In fact, you lose 50 friendship points! Like holy shit. That in itself is not much, but its a game-penalty. He is actively reacting negatively toward you. This is one of the few times, where your decision actively has an impact on the friendship-metre. Of course, that statement could be delivered in a non-joking matter. Which then justifies his reaction.... sure.

But even the fact that Elliott chooses, to not downplay or gloss-over your comment, leaves me with the following interpretation:

He hoped for a charming, flirtatious interaction. All you had to do, was to play along. But you ruined it.

Just imagine a situation with a little bit of miss-communication and a version of Elliott that is a little too proud for his own good and *chef's kiss* we have drama.

Me to Elliott and Farmer-OC: fight! fight! fight! fight! :D

All of you reading right now:

omg can't you just chill??? We are here for the fluff :(((

Also: depending on how it's written, that could be one of Elliott's major character flaws. The one that is not cute at all!

__________________________

I wanted to take some jabs at Elliott's likes and dislikes. But as it turned out: Yes, you can turn Duck feathers into quills. I had this funny headcanon that Elliott wanted to be extra special by choosing duck feathers as his preferred writing instrument. And I was all like: “use a pen!!”.

But then I found out about the Unobtainable Weapons-List and Elliott’s pen is one of them. Okay, whatever. 

And then I asked google how to make quills. And while duck feathers are not the preferred or most popular option, there is also nothing that would speak against it, as long as the feather’s shaft is durable enough. So that theory has flown out of the window pretty quickly as well.

The only thing that comes to my mind instead is, how Elliott would still need a digital manuscript for publishing. But me screaming: “Where is your Laptop Elliott??? You need a computer! Its the 21 century!!!” is not half that funny anymore.

I guess I’ll end it here.

I hope you enjoyed this completely useless stream of consciousness.

I will now continue playing Stardew Valley and indulge in all my other quarantine-born obsessions.

I wish you a wonderful day and happy farming.

What's your thoughts on when the plate falls and Cloud went to go help Tifa?

My thoughts or my analysis? Cause you’re getting the latter anyway lol I love doing action analysis, there’s so much happening and getting the chance to slow it down is great for getting a fuller picture.

Ok, spoiler warning for ppl who haven’t played – do I still need to do this? Eh ok, (I tag FF7R spoilers as final fantasy 7 remake spoilers) and it’s gonna be long.

Also, this is one person’s interpretation of the scene, so if you disagree that’s cool and we’ll agree to disagree.

You’re also gonna have to excuse the janky quality on some of the screens, I’m grabbing them from Youtube and it’s frustrating af trying to get the exact moment I want.

Other analyses if anyone’s interested.

Shinra HQ vision scene (Cloti/plot analysis) 

Chapter 3 (Cloti reblog) 

Tifa character analysis 

Aerith Resolution (plot analysis/theory – I should probably update this since I’ve had other ideas since then) 

Train graveyard (not really an analysis, but I got some sweet screenshots of Cloti) 

Clotiscrew tunnel analysis 

Cloti reunion analysis 

The Promise Analysis 

Andrea’s approval (Cloti ask response) 

Leslie analysis (not mine, but a good read) 

Cloti action touching 

Aerti friendship analysis 

Cloti body language chapter 3 

Cloti healthy disagreement 

Cloti post heliboss battle (chapter 15) 

Clerith playground scene 

Now, strap in and enjoy the ride.

Recap time!

This is a 6m scene I'm going over, so I'm gonna skip anything not directly relevant or I'll be here all night lol

So despite our brave heroes best efforts the plate is coming down. We get a power slide from Rude, a call from Tseng (who times it so perfectly was he watching?) and some cloti.

First thing we see if Tifa looking distraught. She has no idea how to stop the plate from coming apart and from the way she's looking at this consol wouldn't know what to do even if she could work the computer. They were so close to winning and now defeat is about to stomp all over them and kill everyone she loves. Tifa is someone whose driven by the desire for those she loves to be safe no matter what. This is a crushing moment for her.

Murderous Cloud is murderous (and kinda hot). I mean, we know he's got very little reservations about killing people in cold blood because he's SOLDIER!Cloud when it comes to a fight, but I do like the deadly intent we see on his face at different points in the game. He looked at Johnny a bit like this back in chapter 3 and now he's looking at Reno the same way. He means business.

And then he doesn't because Tifa's in trouble and we all know Real!Cloud prioritises Tifa's safety above everything else. That's not me saying he's no longer SOLDIER!Cloud, but the difference between the last screen and this is that he was fully in that badass merc mode about to kill Reno because it's what badass mercs do, whereas this is Real!Cloud urging him to refocus all that skill he's got into protective ability and go save the woman he loves.

I get some people might not see the distinction between the two personas, but it's actually really easy when you break it down. If it's about Tifa then Real!Cloud is gonna push for dominant action to keep her safe. If it's any other situation then he's just gonna let SOLDIER!Cloud do what he needs to. Sometimes it's a more conscious battle between the two and sometimes they co-operate. That's how a fractured psyche works within the context of Cloud's character. Don't believe me? You see both of them on screen at the start of chapter 8 in the church. Real!Cloud is the one saying “You okay, buddy?”

How many times can you count that we get an 1st person pov with Cloud in the whole game? Like literally looking through his eyes? Because this is 1st person pov. We are Cloud at this moment in time and he's rushing Rude, but still takes a glance at Tifa. I don't think this happens at any other point. This game is a 3rd person game. We're over everyone's shoulder. We don't get in their head to see through their eyes. This is deliberate framing. We obviously can't see his face or his reaction, but the fact we're seeing this moment as Cloud and he's chosen to look at Tifa is a big thing.

So Rude's pushed the button and Barret's yelling. Cloud actually looks more halfhearted in this swing than I expected. It's like Barret's fury just isn't enough to get his blood boiling lol

He's about to go after him anyway, when Tifa's voice stops him dead. I can't think of a moment in the game where someone else calling for him to stop actually makes him stop.

AH! Honestly this is such a move! Romantic hero hello! I know it's a classic move from Cloud – which is kindly weirdly implemented since we first saw it after OG, but it's been retconned as one of his signature moves with Tifa and only Tifa.

Also! EYE CONTACT! I'm gonna scream about Cloti eye contact until my own eyes cross lol they do eye contact so damn well! The only other person who got Cloud to look him in the eye was Andrea Rhodea lol Everyone else it's either confrontational eye contact or total avoidance. Cloud and Tifa have good eye contact. This highlights how much they trust each other. Even though Real!Cloud is afraid of letting Tifa know how weak he really is, he's ok with her looking him in the eye. He wants her to see the real him.

Now, I know some people go on about Tifa's chapter 3 comment of “Cloud, you're scaring me/your eyes didn't used to look so” as a negative thing. I've already explained why this is fucking bullshit, and I'd like to add that if Tifa wasn't comfortable with him in combat situations or otherwise she wouldn't make eye contact with him. Eye contact is fucking terrifying! You're able to see so much. These two aren't afraid to look in each other's eyes, even with their “I don't think he/she likes me” misunderstandings.

And just to cap it. They both smile to reassure each other they're ok.

Ok, so Reno and Rude are making their exit. Barret tries the FF7 boomer version of turning a computer off and on again by shooting it. Then Tseng proves he's either psychic, a stalker or just dramatic af by appearing on screen at just the right point to answer Tifa's question.

And look at her face! Whoever said she's a heartless bitch can stfu forever! This is the face of a woman who is broken by what's about to happen! She's lived in that slum for five years. She probably knows every local by name, and takes time to actually get to know them too. She cares. So much. She doesn't want anyone hurt. She's pleading for their lives. Pleading with her enemy. Who literally smirked when he said “there's nothing you can do now”. Tseng has no conscience.

Just adding this to be a butt. This is Cloud's reaction to Aerith when he sees her....what reaction? Yeah...

Then he asks where she is in his SOLDIER!Cloud way.

So Aerith gets dragged away and explosions start happening. A siren goes off. Barret and Cloud turn away from the computer. Tifa turns and says, “No no no no no” and Cloud immediately turns back. His eyes widen and he looks a bit lost for a moment. There's nothing he can do for her and he's not got the first clue anyhow, and there's no time. It's hitting him just how much she cares. I mean, he knew, but he didn't know, you know?

Notice the awkward hand there? Yeah, that's an “I don't know how to comfort you, what do I do?” hand gesture. Cloud's literally never seen Tifa like this. She's always trying her best to remain optimistic. She fights hard to protect what she loves. She doesn't fall to her knees defeated.

I'm actually loving all the extra insight all these analyses are giving me into just how reserved, how introverted, how determined Tifa is. She's had a hard fucking life. Born in a dust bowl, lost all her friends to the big city, saw her father murdered, almost died, her town got burnt to the ground but she still somehow managed to pick herself up and build a new life. She did that on her own. Nobody got her to Midgar. When she arrived she was lucky Marle took care of her. She could've been left alone with no support system. She got in with Avalanche and built a new family – even though they don't always see eye to eye on method, she also believes in their goal to stop Shinra and save the planet. She's principled and brave, focused af. But she's not unbeatable. Stuff gets her down. She tries her best to be cheerful, but doesn't always succeed. She keeps her problems to herself. But this? This is too big. This has broken her. She can't stay up and Cloud doesn't know how to help. Not emotionally, anyway.

OMG HE OFFERED HIS HAND!! I didn't see that before!! (Check the spot where his name is, his hand is between Tifa’s hair and arm, palm open.) I knew he grabbed her by the arm and hauled her up when she didn't move, but he's actually holding his hand out for her before that!! She's too in her head to do anything, though, and I don't think Cloud really understands that. Any devastating feelings he had about personal tragedy he's locked away because they literally broke him. It must be distressing on some level for him to see his own emotions mirrored in Tifa. I said before the urge to comfort her starts at the beginning of chapter 13, but maybe the first spark of that is this moment here, when he can't do a thing for her, except pull her along behind him and hope he can keep her alive.

There's some really nice still shots in this game and this is one of them. I don't really have anything to say about it. I mean, we knew Cloud had both hands on Tifa's shoulders so he could direct her where to go and she's not really with it until the moment the debris falls in front of her and shocks her out of her stupor. Cloud's focused on the job at hand, no time to worry about anything but the next obstacle. By keeping both hands on Tifa's shoulders he's ensured he doesn't have to keep checking on her to make sure she's with him. He's basically piloting her because she's not capable of decision making for the moment.

Someone tell me, do action backhugs count? That's non-optional embracing right there. How many of you have seen this exact moment? Because I have literally been replaying the same 4s clip to get the screen for this bit and this is the first time in about 10 replays that I stopped it here. This is the between 1 second frames when the debris falls.

I mean, this is what a bodyguard actually looks like. Cloud's focus is all on keeping Tifa safe. He pulls her close to him, offers strength while she's feeling weak. He is literally using himself as a shield for her. They're such a balanced couple. When one is weak the other is strong for them, and whatever flaws they have they accept. They really are just a great couple!

Probably the worst screen I've ever grabbed lol

I was trying to figure out the moment he took her hand but I can't quite stop on it and it's just a touch too much out of frame. Instead, I got this. EYE CONTACT. I don't need to explain it again, right? We get the whole Cloud/Tifa eye contact deal by now.

Although, at the same time, that's a fucking scary shot of Cloud lol reminds me of that meme with Rinoa and Squall where she says he's the best looking guy there and it's all pixellated lol

Ah! I remembered why I was trying to get their hands, to see if Tifa grabbed his first or he took hers. But I could see through the playback that he took her hand. He initiated contact.

Yknow, I know people often compare the whole one half is always the summoner or mage and the other half is the warrior, but this screen right here looks a lot like another FF couple.

Tidus and Yuna.

I mean...do I have to say more?

Cloud looks behind to check Tifa's ok – I mean she's not but you get the point. Still getting Tidus and Yuna vibes from this moment tbf. This is the exact same type of sequence they had of them in FFX-2 when Yuna's dreaming Lenne's past and she and Tidus replace Lenne and Shuyin. They're running down a corridor and Tidus looks back at her. I mean, seeing how this type of comparison is usually only reserved for the whole mage/warrior pairing, it's strange that their body language here mirrors Square’s first fully voice acted installment. At the time the graphics were cutting edge and the cut scenes are still lauded as some of the most beautiful storytelling. Strange that Tifa and Cloud could have this comparison to Tidus and Yuna, especially with the whole Suteki da ne always being used to prop up a certain ship.

Anyway, Cloud’s checking on Tifa cause he’s totally not in love with her and wants to make sure she’s safe. You get the idea lol

I'd like to point out that Cloud doesn't – despite popular opinion – have hold of Tifa's jubblies. His arm is under them, wrapped around her ribs, which is actually a very secure hold for him since he's trying to hang onto Barret and keep hold of Tifa too. You'll notice she's not exactly paying attention to her own safety – which makes sense since Cloud literally had to haul her up when she wouldn't move. She's not in a good headspace during the end of this scene, so he's being very protective towards her.

Conclusion

Another great piece of action! I mean, does it really matter if these two are in the trenches or just hanging out? They have a synchronicity that's impossible to deny. They balance each other in pretty much every single way there is for a couple of be two halves of a whole. The FF10 comparison is a new one on me, especially since I don't look at two titles and try to see what about each one is like the other. They're both different and unique with their own charm. But, the second I caught that screen of Cloud pulling Tifa along I was immediately hit by the thought of “That's what Tidus and Yuna do”, so I couldn't not mention it.

We get a clear look at how devastated Tifa is immediately after the realisation hits that sector 7 is about to get crushed. She's just gone. Checked out. If Cloud hadn't stepped up to save her she'd have died. She wouldn't have got herself over to Barret in time and he would've died going to get her and get them back to the zip line. This is why it's so important that Cloud picks up the slack. He was strong when she needed him to be. She's strong for him later when he becomes weak. They really are two halves of one whole. 

I love that Tifa gets her own character development. She’s not just “the love interest”. Barret is basically a supporting character here, but we know he’ll get his turn in Corel and he does get his own moments to shine in Midgar, but this is cloti, so sorry dude, next time.

The 7 year itch-not just a movie

I’m currently married & have been with my husband for over 12 years however prior to this marriage I had a previous that only lasted 7 years. My current husband was also married prior to me, for 7 years. Many of my friends and people I see on social media that are married only stay married for 7 years or less. The ones that stay married longer than 7 years often have trouble around the 7-year mark & their relationship is truly tested. So, it got me thinking, is there such a thing as a 7-year itch? In 1955 Marilyn Monroe stared opposite Tom Ewell in the romantic comedy titled, you guessed it, “The Seven Year itch”. This movie is based on a play with the same namesake that deals with the declining interest in a monogamous relationship after seven years of marriage. This theory isn’t really new it is something psychologist have studied for years. So, are we as humans truly meant to be with one person for eternity or are relationships meant to have expiration dates? I mean many of us change as people, our priorities become different, our passions change, our purpose grows, interest changes, even appearance changes. So, does that mean we can outgrow being married to one person? We often outgrown friendships, think about it there are probably very few ppl you were friends with in junior high that you are friends with currently. Do we have to work with our partner to evolve together? What if your partner does not want to change, evolve, or go along with you on a new journey? What then? Divorce? Divorce is always and option I suppose but for many with children involved it is not the simple. Matters of the heart rarely are simply anyway. How do you beat the 7-year itch? My husband & I went through the 7-year mark troubles. The new wore off, we were busy with work, kids, after school activities, & had very little time for one another. We didn’t really even attempt to make time for one another bc what was the point we knew everything we were every going to know, right? My husband fell in love with my loud, unruly, fun, free thinking, social butterfly, fear less personality and I fell in love with his kindness, gentleness, quietness, consistency, & just the way he was a man’s man. We were perfect opposites & it worked. . .for a while. As time passed the same reason, he fell in love with me were the same reasons he began to resent me. We had a daughter 2.5 years into our relationship & he already had 3 children from a previous marriage & relationship. After our daughter was born, I changed as most new moms do. I saw the world in an entirely new way. I wanted to change & improve things more than ever before. I joined my step sons school PTA, I started to do work for Saint Jude’s, I also got offered to be apart of a board that helped plan events to benefit local nursing homes. Of course, I discussed all these new endeavors with my husband prior to jumping in, & he always fully supported, at first, but that would quickly change. Anytime I had a meeting or event I would make sure it worked around my children’s schedule as well as my husband & I’s work schedule, but it didn’t matter he always found a way to start a fight & I would end up looking like the bad guy. I didn’t understand how eh could go hunting, fishing, whatever & never had to plan out what was happening with the kids nor did he have to worry if I would be upset, however when it came to me doing something I wanted I had to make sure the house was clean, laundry done, kids had a sitter, meals planned, etc  My husband would make comments like, “oh you pawning the kids off again”, when I had a event or meeting that I could not bring the kids to which was usually once a month. I didn’t understand how it was considered “pawning” my kids off when I had something I wanted to do but it was considered that for him. I kept quiet which turned out to be the wrong thing bc soon I began to resent him. I hated seeing him drive up at home bc I knew he was going to be unhappy about something. It did not take me long to figure out my husband and I’s differences were far greater than I had initially thought. He is a pessimistic person and I am optimistic. Our vehicles may not be the newest & our home maybe not the biggest but I love it bc it is ours & we work hard for it. We may not have millions or even thousands but our bills are paid, our children are healthy, we are healthy, employed, & free. I use to tell my husband, “One day god is going to test you & take away everything you have, then I bet you will appreciate it.”. You never want to be so busy looking at what others have that you forget all that you have.  Despite my husband differing thought process I accepted him, I would never get anger over what he chose to believe, in my mind by me doing that he would do the same t me on my opinions that differed from his. WRONG!!! No matter what I would say or do he had something negative to say. If I was watching something on tv he would start making ugly comments about whatever I was watching, so I stopped watching tv when he was around. If was on the phone with a friend, &he was around he would begin fussing & making ugly comments so I stopped talking on the phone to my friends when he was around. If I would make plans to go eat with friends, he would fuss so I started canceling on my friends. I started my own little side jewelry business I would hand cut metal and stamp it; it was called Creative Metal, & I LOVED it. To be sure it did not interfere with my mom/wife/employee duties I only worked on it at night once the house was clean & everyone was asleep. But it was not good enough my husband would get up in the middle of the night fussing that I was still up, or making noise. So, I gave it up, sold almost all my tools & supplies. . .I’ll be honest it hurt my heart but I wanted peace. The resentment grew & grew to the point that I could not take it anymore, I couldn’t breathe. I longed for an intelligent conversation with a man that thought I was truly amazing, a man that supported my dreams, hopes, etc & even if it was not something he wanted he wouldn’t mind coming along for the ride simply bc he wanted to be with me, support me. There were opportunities where I could have cheated but I am fiercely loyal even when some do not deserve it & the thought of my husband finding out & hurting, I just couldn’t do it. Instead of infidelity, I decided I had enough, I decided I was going to live my life, & if he wanted to support me great, if not oh well his lose. So, I did, I talked on the phone and when he started, I wouldn’t hold back I’d tell my friend, “lemme call you back Travis is fussing bc I am talking to you”. He would immediately get embarrassed, and I would say hey if that’s how you gonna act you need to claim it. I started watching tv when he was there and if he started fussing, Id walk out & go watch tv in another room. I wasn’t going to stop living, existing, & growing bc HE didn’t like it! I started being that girl he fell in love with the one I hid to make him comfortable. I started telling him to Fuck off, & I no longer cried bc he hurt my feelings, I just let it roll off my back. I am not sure if it worked or not but we are now 12 years in, the resentment is no longer there bc I do what I want, say how I feel, & make no apologies. I can honestly say my husband is friend, he can still be a giant douche canoe but I do love him & despite what I may think he doesn’t like me sometimes deep down I know he’s crazy about me. Our children are older now & so are we, we now have more time for one another & actually make the effort to spend time together & usually enjoy said time. We joke back & forth, pick at each other, & do not take things said nearly as personal. Now with all that, I could have just divorced him & started over. . . but who would I be as a person? I can not say I actually “fought” for my marriage as much as I just said Fuck it & made the decision to just live. I know some people are better off apart, divorce is better than marriage, & that’s ok everyone’s journey is different. For me, I had already been through one divorce so if I was going to have a second one it was not going to be my doing. I guess you could say sheer stubbornness is what got my marriage through lol either way I’m glad. Even in years from now we decide to go our separate ways, I will always appreciate the journey we had together.  Maybe, extended monogamy isn’t for everyone, & that’s cool too. Just live the best life for you, a life that in the end you are proud of no matter what. 

If - (Jinyoung X OC)

Genres: Angst Word count: 3.2k

“You know what’s the best way to die early?” I hear someone whispering to me as my lids feel heavy and the darkness looms over my head. I open my mouth to say something but my throat feels sore from all the alcohol and my lips bruised from kissing random girls, trying to forget her. So I wait silently for the person to continue. 

“It’s to love someone who doesn’t love you back.” The words are etched upon my memories and my heart. 

I wake up with a start, sweats of bead all over my forehead, my breath ragged and my vision hazy. I bring my hands to my eyes and gently rub them until I can see clearer. 

I move to see the person lying besides me. She’s still here, I think with a burning ache inside my chest. I reach out my hand to remove the few strands of her beautiful golden brown hair away from her forehead. She’s sleeping soundly. I smile before getting out of the bed slowly and carefully so I don’t wake her up. 

I go to the bathroom and then head down to the kitchen to prepare her breakfast. She likes my cooking. She has always loved it. I start preparing her favourite: scrambled eggs and pancakes. 

I am placing the plates on the table when she comes downstairs with her bed hair, a goofy smile over her lips. She looks so cute. I shake my head, grinning. She must have come downstairs without even going to the bathroom. Did she want to see me when she woke up and when I wasn’t there?

“You made this for me?” She asks in her sweet honey voice and I nod my head before walking up to her.

“I am the one who should be cooking for us,” she whines childishly. I chuckle before wrapping both of my arms around her small frame and lean my head closer to plant a small kiss on her forehead. 

“Good morning to you too!” My tone is cheerful, she isn’t able to tell the fake-ness. She grins and lightly pecks me on the lips. 

“Morning! I’ll go and wash up. Be right back.” She pulls away and runs back upstairs while I go back to the dinner table and seat myself. My coffee cup is sitting in front of me and my phone right next to it, already vibrating from all the messages my friends have been sending. I pick it up as I wait for her to come back. 

I open the group chat and am immediately bombarded my the messages from my friends.

JS: How did the night go? (≧∀≦)

M: Shut up Jackson. 

BB: y r u askng bout da night? ◑○◑

JB: Dnt talk lik dat Bb.

YJ: As if youre any better.

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JS: Tell me~ @(·o·)@

YG: Im also vry curious.

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JB: Ignre dose ppl Jinyoung.

My eyes can’t roll any further back as I skim through the endless amount of text messages. I sigh because I don’t really have the time to read all of those because I notice footsteps coming down. I put the phone back and lift my head to see Mina coming my way.

^^

We’re on our way to meet the guys because they’ve been bugging my nonstop to introduce Mina to them. She only saw them briefly on the wedding and she doesn’t know them otherwise. I place my free hand over hers and give it a soft squeeze.

“Are you nervous?” I ask. 

“No … maybe. But what if they don’t like me?” she breathes out and I can tell she’s nervous by the way she’s fidgeting. I squeeze a little tighter. 

“They’ll love you,” I assure her with a smile and she turns to look at me. “I’m sure you’ll be alright. You’re perfect, Mina. Nobody can’t not like you.” She seems a little happier as I tell her this. I stop the car right in  front of the cafe that we’re supposed to meet at and ask Mina to get off.

“Wait. I’ll come back after parking the car.” 

“Let’s go,” I slip my hand in Mina’s and pull her inside the cafe with me. I’m so familiar with the place that even the man behind the counter recognises me and sends me a smile after noticing Mina and I. In the farthest corner, I see the six boys sitting on a table and we head towards it. Yugyeom is the first to notice us.

“Hyung!” He says cheerfully and starts waving his hand enthusiastically. The others whip their heads towards us after hearing Yugyeom. 

“Hi,” I say with a smile.

“Sweet muffins! Does your wife get prettier by the second? Because she’s even prettier than yesterday.” Jackson decides to comment shameless and Mina ducks her head down in embarrassment. Mark nudges the male in the ribs and he scowls.

“Have a seat guys.” Jae bum motions his hands towards the two seats and we sit down. 

“Mina, this is JaeBum, Yugyeom, YoungJae, Bambam, Jackson and Mark and guys this is Mina, my wife.” I gesture my finger towards the respective males and Mina mumbles a small hello and nice to meet you to all of them individually. She’s really shy. 

Although I have known Mina longer than I have known these guys, I didn’t introduce them to each other. Theres no special reason but just a thing I tend to do. Not mixing my friends. I once had a terrible experience when the two people became better friends and I was left behind. Albeit theres no chance of that happening now. These guys are like my brothers and Mina, well, I know she’s not going anywhere now that we’re married.

“You guys took so long so that’s why already ordered. I hope you don’t mind,” Mark says, grinning as he places a chip inside his mouth and Mina speaks, “No thats alright. I’m sorry that you had to wait.” She’s smiling now. That makes me happy. Now that she’s my family, I want her to be happy even if the reason of her happiness isn’t me.

Mina and I got married not because of my love for her, but because of our parents. I know that the sad reality is, she doesn’t love me like I love her. She loves me as a friend. And if her parents had not asked her to marry me, she would had never said yes.

^^

It’s a month after our marriage and Mina’s been getting along with the guys extremely well. Today we’re at Mark’s house for a Saturday movie night and Mina seems extremely happy. She’s almost jumping with excitement as Mark opens the door to invite us in.

“You’re here!” He says and lets us in. I wave my hand slightly and enter with Mina. We head towards the living room and find Jackson sitting there on the couch eating something. 

“You’re already here?” I ask but before Jackson can say anything, Mark says, “He practically lives with me. He never leaves.” as he glares at Jackson who only sticks his tongue out like a child. Mina giggles before seating herself down next to Jackson.

“I do not. And hey you’re here.” Jackson finishes stuffing the fish taco inside his mouth and grins at Mina. I follow Mark inside the kitchen. He’s taking out popcorn packets from the cupboards when he notices me.

“I’m glad Mina’s getting along with everyone.” I nod my head in agreement and add, “Especially you.” Mark’s smile falls away for a second. 

“I guess … ” He looks away and turns to the microwave. “Jackson call the others already!” He shouts over his shoulder and Jackson yells back from the living room an okay.

I am leaving the kitchen when Mina enters, all smiles. She brushes past me and goes to Mark. 

“Can I help you with something?” She asks with a cheery tone and Mark raises his head to look at me. He looks at me like he’s asking for permission. I don’t understand. I swallow hard but say nothing and leave.

I squeeze myself between Jae Bum and Jackson after everyone arrives and settles in the living room. The lights are out and I’m assuming thats because we’re watching a horror movie. I’m not to happy about the fact because I know Mina doesn’t enjoy horror movies. I glance at her, seated next to Mark on the carpeted ground with Bambam on the other side. She’s smiling heavenly and hasn’t even noticed the dark. They’re chatting about something in hushed voices. I scowl but stop the negative thoughts forming inside my head. She just clicks well with Mark and there’s nothing wrong with that.

I sit restlessly throughout the first half of the movie. I am being so annoying that even Jackson has to ask me to stop moving. I am restless because I know a jump scare is about to come. I’m sure of it. And I’m uneasy because I am aware of the fact that Mina will react to it. I want to be the one sitting next to her. I want to be the one she jumps into when she gets scared but I don’t say anything. My lips are pressed into a hard line and I say nothing. There’s this feeling inside me that is so sure that Mina will reject my offer to sit next to her. She’ll say its fine when its not. But I keep quiet. 

I sink back into the couch, my eyes glued to Mina. A scream erupts from her side and I find Bambam shouting, almost standing up with fear when a figure appears on the screen. My eyes go back Mina and she is still. Maybe she didn’t get scared, I think in relief.

Maybe I’m being weird. I focus my attention back to the movie which has almost reached its climax. The main lead is slowly walking towards the spooky room at the end of the hallway. She places her hand on the door knob and twists it open, another dismembered and horrifying person pops out and Jackson screams directly into my ear. 

Jae Bum groans and smacks Jackson in the back of his head and he winces in pain. I can hear the maknae line stifling their laughter and Mark chuckles loudly. I look at him and he has in arm wrapped protectively around Mina. I clench my jaw. Her head is buried into his shoulder and she’s letting out a muffled cry. I knew she gets scared easily. Mark pats her back.

“Are you okay, noona?” Before I can open my mouth, YoungJae asks her. 

Mina retreats her head and nods her head, “I get scared easily,“ she admits and gets up. 

“Where are you going?” I ask, standing up from my spot. 

“The bathroom,” she replies in a soft tone and I move up to her, grabbing her forearm.  The guys have paused the video briefly to observe us.

“Follow me,” I say before pulling her with me to the bathroom. 

“Are you okay? We can go home if you want to,” I say quickly as soon as I see her exit the bathroom. She grimaces.

“It’s fine.”

“We can go. It’ll be fine. We don’t have to stay.” 

“I said it’s alright, Jinyoung. And I’m sure Mark wouldn’t like us leaving like this in the middle of the movie night. It’s just a movie. I can handle it.” Her tone is almost aggravated and I frown.

“Okay whatever you say.” I shrug and follow after her back to the living room.

“Noona~ Hurry up. Mark hyung didn’t let us continue until you came back,” Yugyeom whines childishly and I notice Mina smiling at Mark.

“Well…I’m back now.”

^^

I am coming downstairs when I notice Mina standing by the front door, all dolled up. My brow raises in curiosity.

“Are you going somewhere, Mina?” I ask in a quiet tone as I make my way towards her, she’s on her phone — texting someone with a  big smile plastered on her face.

“Yes,” she replies distractedly. 

“Where?”

“Shopping with Suzy.” She shrugs, eyes still on the phone. I’m kind of irritated by the fact that she isn’t paying full attention to me but I remind myself not to be too greedy. 

“Why didn’t you tell me? Let me go grab my jacket, we’ll go together—“ I haven’t even completed myself when Mina’s head jerks in my direction, her eyes wide open.

“No,” she says harshly and I flinch, narrowing my eyes at her. This is new. She never spoke to me with such a rude tone so why now? 

“Why not?” I crease my brow. Mina rolls her eyes before speaking up, “You must remember the last time we went shopping.”

I purse my lips, “What about it?” I try to remember and get her hint but nothing special pops up except for…

“The time when some guy was harassing you?”

Mina exhales exasperatedly and her hand is on her forehead now, massaging her temples. “Yes that time, when you embarrassed me.”

“Embarrassed you—? Mina, I was defending you from that guy. What are you trying to say?”

“I know your intentions weren’t bad but look. It was a small incident and I could’ve easily shrugged it off but you had to make it a big deal by punching that guy. I can’t take you with me today in case you try and be a hero again,” She says as if everything was my fault. 

Was I wrong by defending her? Did I commit a sin by trying to save her?

My throat feels dry as I stare at Mina with sadness filled in my eyes. I’m unable to say anything.

“How about you go out with the guys while I go shopping, hm? I don’t want to fight over this, kay? I’m going now. See you later.” She clearly doesn’t see the hurt in my eyes as she cups my face and leans to kiss my nose — I can’t help but feel like she’s treating me like a child.

I stay frozen to the ground as I see her leave, closing the door behind her and saying a small and forced, “Goodbye.”

^^

I am roaming the quiet streets of Seoul in the night, looking for a gift for Mina’s upcoming birthday. I was on a trip to Hawaii and came back today but no one was home. She didn’t pick her phone up. It might be because I came a day earlier and Mina isn’t aware. I tried calling her but the mobile’s turned off. I decided that I should take this time until she gets back home or calls me back to look for her birthday present. So that’s what I am doing right now as I enter into a toy shop. 

I remember Mina loving all things childish so I plan on buying her a big teddy bear or something similar. I walk down one of the aisles filled with different kinds of stuffed toys. My eyes stop at a doll with big blue eyes and rosy lips. She has curly brown hair and I smile to myself because she reminds me of Mina. She used to have a doll like this, taking it everywhere with her.

I reach out to pick it up. 

“Aren’t you too old for this?” I hear someone say from behind so I turn around and find myself looking into a pair of dark chocolate eyes. My brow shots up and I squint my eyes at the name tag she is wearing. 

“I don’t think you’re supposed to say that too your customers.” I hear her snort.

I give her a pointed look before placing it back. “I’m looking for a big white bear for my wife.” I grin at her and she brings her hand to her chin, tapping it.

“I swear I’ve seen it here around somewhere.” Is she being serious or is just kidding me? Does my face say it so clearly that I need cheering up. If that’s so, then why hasn’t anybody else noticed.

“Follow me,” She says with a sigh and we walk towards the last aisle and I find the perfect bear I’ve been looking for.

“I’ll buy this, Ms. HyoSung.” 

Mina and I almost reach home at the same time, she’s getting out of someone’s car when I turn around the corner. I recognise the car as Mark’s. I immediately frown. Was she with him?

She gets out and then walks over to his side, Mark rolls the windows down and I can see him smiling at her. My grip on the teddy bear tightens and my heart aches as Mina leans down to kiss Mark’s nose. I stand there frozen as Mina walks back to the front door of our house and Mark’s car drives past me, he doesn’t even notice me. 

I suddenly feel how cold the air is. I shiver and there’s a stinging pain in my chest. My hands clutches the coat I’m wearing and I feel I can’t breathe. It’s like the air has been knocked out of my lungs, it has left me empty.

^^

“I saw you with Mark … yesterday …,” I manage to choke out over breakfast. I can’t even look straight into her eyes. It hurts. Everything hurts. It’s like I’m drowning. But like always, she’s unable to see my pain.

I know I’m the one at fault. Because I should’ve expected this. Heck, I did. But it still hurts. My breathing is shallow.

Upon hearing me, the glass from Mina’s hands slips and it falls on the floor, shattering into a million pieces just like my heart. She turns around slowly, her expression is mortified. I don’t want her to feel that way.

“I- Jinyoung! I—“ I swallow and stand up. Her eyes are wide and I know she’s scared. 

“It’s okay, Mina,” I breathe out. Mina rushes towards me, circling her arms around me from behind. 

“No no no…! It’s not like that Jinyoung! I swear there’s nothing between us!” There’s a pang in my heart as Mina starts sobbing. 

I turn around, also wrapping my arms around her small shaking frame. 

“I’m sorry Jinyoung! So sorry! I swear you’re the only one for me!” She buries her head in my chest, crying loudly. 

My hands move under her chin and I lift her face up, trying to shush her. “I know I’m not.” I cast my gaze onto the ground, where the glass shreds are. I glanced back up at Mina whose eyes are red and swollen now. She’s looking up at with a pained expression.

What she did, does and will do doesn’t matter to me, I am willing to forgive anything. It doesn’t hurt, what hurts is the lie.

“Mina … don’t lie to me and please … don’t lie to yourself.”