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ctrlchar · 5 months

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HIII can you do something like were your giving Johnnie head while he’s playing video games with his friends or streaming on twitch or filming a video and he’s trying so hard not to moan and he gets so fed up he fucks you or something idk 🗣️👍

giving Johnnie head under his desk headcannons

a/n: I loveeee this idea sm thank you for the request!!

cw: kinda public? it’s through a screen but you get the point,somewhat rough,

he’d be sooo pissed off but at the same time he’d love it sm

it would be whenever he’s live,leaving you to your own thoughts as he played a series of games with his friends on twitch

every once and while whenever he got a break from the game he would talk to you and give you a little kiss if you were still in the room with him

of course this wasn’t enough

you had considered humping his pillow on his bed but you figured it might be too obvious if he repeatedly been looking over at his bed

eventually Johnnie had decided to pull away from his chair to go and grab him a water bottle which was on his desk

seeing this window of opportunity, you crept under his desk sitting on your knees as he gave you a confused look which was just barely out of frame of the camera

you began to unbuckle his pants,making it abundantly clear as to what your intentions were

you took his for now soft cock out of the restraints of Johnnie’s jeans and began to slowly stroke it

Johnnie on the other hand was trying to put all his attention on the game which had just begun a new round rather then the sensation between his legs

you had begun to take the tip into your mouth,his hips bucking up slightly which to anyone watching looked like he had just been readjusting in his seat

every time you would take more of him into your mouth he would curse out a profane word with a “cough” at the end

to the viewers it looked as if he had simply gotten pissed off at his game but to you that was obviously not the case

his knuckles were turning white from how hard he was gripping his mouse to keep his composure

your tounge danced against the underside of his cock driving him absolutely batshit insane

after a couple more minutes of you teasing his cock his friends conveniently decided they had played enough games for the night and decided to end their streams making Johnnie follow suit

“alright guys” he says his voice cracking a bit at the end “i’ll see you all later” he says before quickly ending the stream

as soon as he ends the stream you remove your mouth from his cock going back to slowly stroking it

you giggle softly and look up at him as he runs his hand through his hair before he pulls himself from behind his desk

“what the fuck was that” he asks seeming upset however you both knew he wasn’t genuinely upset at all

however he was to a degree pissed

“i was bored” you pout “and you wouldn’t give me any attention”

i mean all you wanted was his attention so that’s exactly what you got

he proceeded to bend you over his bed using the spit off of his cock mixed with your own slick as lube as he pushed himself deep inside you bottoming out in one push

“tryna get me fuckin’ caught up huh?” he says thrusting into you at a even faster rate then before,the obscene sound of his hips meeting yours filling the room

“thinkin’ you can tease me and get away with it” he grunts out to which you whine due to all the pleasure coursing through your body

you couldn’t even form sentences because of how good he was making you feel. all you could do was moan out a string of apologies as his hands move to your hips

“i don’t think you’re really sorry” he admits “if you were sorry you wouldn’t be creaming all over my fucking dick” he says punctuating the last two words with a thrust.

looking down to see what he was talking about you noticed the white ring that had formed around the base of his cock

he begins to slow down his thrusts giving you a minute to talk before going back to his relentless pace

“mhm I promise m’ sorry” is all you could cry out with tears forming at your eyes

his ring clad hands grip onto your hips which was sure to leave bruises the next day but you didn’t care

if anything you wanted him to leave bruises you wanted to have a constant reminder of just how good Johnnie fucks you

mutually, he wanted the bruises to stay as a reminder to not tease him like that again

his grunts turn into moans as he approaches his long awaited orgasm

he could tell you were getting close as well from the way your back was arching off the bed to the way your moans picked up and got even higher then before

with his tone softening up he moves one of his hands to your hair petting it softly “come on baby cum for me” which was all you needed to hear

your nails scratched down his back as you came hard,almost on the verge of shaking had Johnnie not been holding onto you

with a couple more thrusts Johnnie had came inside you,as he slowly pulled out watching his cum drip out of you

after a couple minutes of you guys laying together on his bed you look up at him from where you had been laying on his chest

“you’re not actually mad are you?” you ask looking up at him

his face softens “of course not baby” he says leaving a light kiss on your head as he held you close in his arms

#johnnie guilbert #smut #johnnie guilbert headcannons #johnnie guilbert smut #jake webber #jake webber smut #jake webber headcannons #jake webber imagine #johnnie guilber imagine #johnnie guilbert x reader #johnnie guilbert imagine #jake and johnnie

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headless609 · 5 months

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Cartman Angst

Ah Cartman, the bigoted, racist, sexist, overweight, bully, bullied, and a victim. Cartman is my favorite character and it’s not just because he is hilarious. If you watch the show and really looks into it, you can see why Cartman acts the way he does. Let’s start with the obvious. Cartman is fat. We see the show make fun and jab at his weight sense season 1. We see side characters such as Liane and his eye doctor to the main characters aka Kyle, Stan and Kenny making fun of his weight. Especially Kyle. I don’t think people realize how fucking mean Kyle was to Cartman (and Cartman hadn’t even done anything evil yet btw). Kyle is always and stills calls Cartman ‘fatsss.’ Speaking of the earlier seasons, remember Cartman’s eye doctor? Y’know, the one who had no chill and continuously bullied Cartman by calling him porky and just being devious? Yeah him.

Next I want to talk about Cartman’s home life. And it’s bad, like it’s as bad as Kenny. Not only is Cartman quite poor but his dad is gone and his mom is a prostitute. Not only does Cartman not get scolded by his mom but his mom brings in men that are there for sex. Sound bad? Yeah, you can imagine a guy finding Cartman’s room. And you might think, ‘Dude, you’re reading into this way too seriously.’

We see that Cartman has been assaulted by his cousin and his Uncle, Jessie. We see this in Le Petite Tourette’s and in Fun with Veal. And this is just two of the many other occasions.

Everyone knows the episode Scott Tenorman Must Die, where Cartman snapped and went batshit crazy. But most people don’t remember the banned episode where we see Scott again. Where we learn a dark truth. Cartman and Scott were step-brothers, Cartman had killed his own father, the father he had cried himself to sleep wishing he’d come back. And when we see him admit that he’s crying because of him being half ginger to his friends, all I can think is , ‘ Really? After all the tears that your pillow soaks?’ But then you think, would you tell some kids that have always bullied you because of your weight and you thought only hung out with you cause you bully people with them why you’re actually sad? HELL NO! Cartman may be crazy and a sociopath but he ain’t stupid. The reason he is able to stay with the gang is that they think he is cool (which they don’t) heck the only reason why they became a friend group was because Cartman bullied Pip! And with all that piled up, Cartman becomes insecure about himself and to make him feel better lashes out an everyone else, believing he is a victim in every scenario and everyone deserves to pay.

And that is the debrief of the monster, Eric Cartman. The most hated South Park child in the show.

There is so much I want to say about Cartman, and I tried to fit it in one Notes page. And I hate it whenever one says they hate Cartman because he is a nazi and all that shit. I understand, but please peel his onion skin and you’ll understand why Cartman is such a good character. This one is the longest one yet so thanks for those who were able to read the entire thing. 🥲

#art #south park #eric cartman #Cartman angst #I took schizophrenia art as representation

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ladykailitha · 3 months

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Batshit Soulmates Part 6

The second one today. I'm trying to get through my backlog because I have almost twenty chapters that are finished and ready to be posted. And that isn't counting the fact that with my daily goal of 400 words a day, I'm definitely going to have more than that the longer it takes for me to post.

This here is my schedule for the next two weeks, but as I said, since I'm always writing, that "return to one chapter a day" on the 11th? That's probably a pipe dream. So I might end up adding a fourth day to my posting schedule so that I can at least put out a chapter a week for each of my WIPs.

We'll see.

For this chapter we have fun times at the Wheelers (heavy sarcasm), that talk and a cliffhanger? Yeah, a cliffhanger.

In Medias Res| Prologue|Pt 1| Pt 2|Pt 3|Pt 4|Pt 5|

****

They had been traveling awhile when Eddie decided to get the lay of the land by getting higher.

Which was great in theory until he saw the vast expanse of...shit he didn’t even know how to describe it other than evil. And it stretched as far as he could see.

He turned around to get back down when Nancy called out.

“Don’t step on the vines!”

Eddie froze. “Uh what now?”

“They’re connected to the Upside Down,” she said with a huff.

Eddie looked to Steve to translate.

“They’re part of a hive mind,” Steve explained. “You step on a vine and basically you’re stepping on Vecna and basically everything else in this hell hole.”

“Shit!” Eddie hissed as he tried to come up with a way to get down without waking up the whole Upside Down to their presence.

“I was thinking that now would probably be a good time to get my guns,” Nancy murmured.

Eddie finally decided that fuck it, he was just going to by pass all the vines jump down.

He landed deftly on his feet and as he pulled up his jeans a little he said, “You, Nancy Wheeler, have guns at your house? Guns as in plural?”

Robin pointed excitedly at her. “I know, isn’t she bad ass?”

“I have a Russian pistol,” Nancy said with a cock of her head, “and a revolver.”

Steve huffed out a laugh. “You almost shot me with that one.”

Nancy smiled back and with a teasing lilt to her voice replied, “And you almost deserved it.”

TWAP!

Steve stepped back with the force of a denim vest being thrown in his face. He looked up at Eddie in shock.

“For your modesty, dude.”

Steve looked down at the vest in confusion. “Wha–”

Just then there was great big roar and the ground shook. Robin tumbled into Eddie and Steve barely managed to catch Nancy before elbowed him in the side.

Steve and Nancy were able to keep on their feet but Robin and Eddie fell to the ground.

Eddie looked at Robin and then back at where the noise came from.

“Guns are really starting to sound good right now,” Eddie muttered.

Robin looked back at him and nodded. “Oh yeah.”

Eddie was rubbing his shin as Robin’s heel had kicked it on her way down but his brain turned off when he saw Steve walk by as he pulled on Eddie’s vest.

Shit. He had miscalculated on that one. He hadn’t wanted Nancy Wheeler to ogle his soulmate but he didn’t take in the fact on how hot Steve would look wearing his battle vest. He only barely managed to help Robin to her feet before he was hoping forward to catch up with Steve.

His little lizard brain lighting up with, “Hot boy! Must follow hot boy now,” as his feet danced around the vines to be by Steve’s side.

And just maybe Steve wanted it too, because as Eddie fell in step next to him, Steve blushed and ducked his head.

Eddie grinned up at him as they made their way through the darken forest of the Upside Down.

****

Eddie kept looking over at Steve, who was looking like he had merely taken a tumble in gym instead of being eaten alive.

And yeah that was hot, it was also worrying as fuck. Eddie was starting to think that maybe Steve wasn’t a dick, the dude was just traumatized.

Robin and Nancy walked slower behind them to give them some privacy. Finding your soulmate in the middle of the end of the world, again, sucked.

“Hey, I wanted to thank you for saving my ass back there,” Steve said, softly.

Eddie bumped their shoulders together. “You saved your own ass, man. What you did there was very Ozzy.”

“Who?” Steve asked, confused.

“Ozzy Osborn? Black Sabbath?” Eddie prompted. Steve’s confusion only deepened. “He bit the head off a bat on stage.”

“Wha?” Steve said, rearing his head back. “I don’t know you’re talking about.”

Eddie smiled faintly. “It’s okay. All I was saying that that was a very metal thing you did back there.”

“And metal is...good?” Steve asked, unsure.

Eddie chuckled. “Very.”

“Thanks,” Steve said, grateful the dirt and grim of the Upside Down hid his blush.

They walked on for a few moments in silence. “I was so jealous of you, by the way.”

Steve reared back his head. “Me? Why?”

“Dustin talks about you all the time, man,” Eddie said. “Like all the time. Never shuts up about you, in fact. The kid worships the ground you walk on. Called you a badass on more than one occasion.”

Steve scoffed. “Dustin thinks I’m badass?”

“Oh, yeah,” Eddie said thoughtfully. “I think I just couldn’t accept that Steve Harrington was a good dude, you know? Rich parents, popular, good with girls, not a douche? There was no way. It just flies in the face of life, the universe, and everything. Including my very own Munson doctrine.” He twisted the rings on his fingers nervously.

Steve reached out and gently took his hand.

Eddie took a deep breath and let out it slowly. “I’m still jealous because you’re the real deal. I’m learning that outside DnD, I’m no hero. I see danger and I turn and run. Or at least that’s what I discovered about myself this week.”

Steve squeezed his hand. “Hey, give yourself a break. There was nothing you could have done about Chrissy, okay?”

Eddie let out a shuddering sigh. “The truth is that if those two ladies hadn’t dived in after you, I would still be up in that boat. I don’t know how you managed to get the loyalty of two of the smartest girls in school, especially with one of them being your ex, but holy shit dude. Nancy just dived in no hesitation.”

But before Steve could answer another rumble ripped through the Upside Down.

“Jesus!” Steve hissed as Eddie said, “Here we go again!”

They clutched each other as they struggled to remain on their feet. Steve looked up at Eddie and his breath stopped in his chest, tightening like a vice.

They were so close that Steve could taste their mingled breathes. He yearned to just lean forward and–

Robin tapped his shoulder. “Come on, let’s get to Nancy’s before another quake hits us.”

****

When they got to Nancy’s room, their hope for salvation turned to ash like the dust falling from the sky.

“What do you mean they don’t exist?” Eddie hissed.

Nancy looked like she was going to cry. “The Upside Down is stuck in 1983. Most likely the day Will vanished and I didn’t get my guns until after.”

Even Robin looked disappointed at not being about to see Nancy’s guns.

It truly seemed like all was lost when Steve suddenly stopped.

“Holy shit!” he cried. “Can you hear that?”

Nancy and Robin shared a glance.

“Hear what?” Nancy asked.

“Dustin!” Steve said happily. “I can hear Dustin! And Lucas! And Max!” He giggled.

“It’s like they in the walls!”

Eddie grimaced. The pain must be really getting to the guy if he was hallucin–

But then he could hear it too. Steve and Eddie shared a look and they turned, booking it for the door.

They thundered down the stairs and they noticed the golden light glittering around the chandler.

But now the girls could hear the kids too. It sounded like they were in trouble.

All four them were drawn to the light. It was warm and comforting. And god, Eddie couldn’t stop touching the light.

“It’s warm,” he muttered.

The other three reached up and touched the glittering glow. Steve and god, how Steve seemed to watch to reach out to him as well.

“Does anyone know Morse code?” Nancy asked, trying to figure out how to communicate with the right side up.

Steve shook his head and even Robin wasn’t clueless.

Eddie licked his lips. “Um...does SOS count?”

Nancy nearly screamed at him, but let Eddie do his thing. They managed to communicate with Dustin, Erica, and Max, who had somehow gotten themselves under house arrest. Or whatever the hell the cops wanted to call keeping children against their will.

They managed to find a way to communicate with them through Holly’s LiteBrite. And so Dustin rambled at a million miles per hour about gates and murders and Vecna.

“Does anyone understand what he’s talking about?” Nancy asked.

Everyone shook their heads. So she simply sent back a single question mark.

“How many times do I have to be right on the money before you guys trust me?” Dustin screamed.

Steve sighed. “Jesus Christ, this kid has to get his ego in check.”

Eddie leaned over so that he could talk to Steve around Nancy.

“It’s his tone, right?” Eddie asked.

“Yes!” Steve agreed, happy that he had someone who understood what a menace Dustin was at the best of times.

Basically it boiled down to needing to get to the nearest gate. Eddie’s trailer.

“Which great and all,” Eddie huffed. “But let me tell you, Forest Hills is no easy walk from here.”

Nancy looked around at them like they were stupid. “The kids left their bikes here. There should be four of them in the garage.”

Steve rolled his eyes. But they all dutifully followed her out to the garage.

The bikes were tiny. God, are they minuscule. They all climbed onto the bikes and rode all the way to the trailer park.

And if Eddie hung back to watch Steve’s ass all the way there... fuck you, no he didn’t. The view didn’t hurt, though.

They made it his trailer and they laid down the bikes in front of it. Eddie began to shake. Frozen in fear. He couldn’t go back in there. They couldn’t make him.

They could find another ga–

Suddenly there was a warm hand on his shoulder. “I know you don’t want to go in there. But we need to get back to the Right Side Up, breathing the shit down here isn’t good for you.”

Eddie gulped, but nodded.

“I’ll be right beside you,” Steve continued softly. “If you need to, take my hand.”

Eddie instantly latched on to Steve’s hand as he led the group into the Upside Down version of Eddie’s home.

He stumbled a bit as he saw the great, big, red, pulsating...wound.

“Shit!” he whispered, a little awed and a lot scared. “That’s where she died. Like right where she died.”

Steve squeezed his hand gently. “I’m sorry, Eds. We just need to find a way to contact the kids and get us out of here, okay?”

Eddie looked around at his home and just wanted to cry. Nothing was where it was supposed to be and yet exactly where it was supposed to be. And that really fucked with his head.

Nancy looked up at the gate. “It’s too high. There’s no way we can get to it without help.”

Steve and Robin looked around trying to see it there was something that could be used to pry it open from below.

Eddie knew he should help them. He knew where things were kept. But he just couldn’t move. All he could do was stare up at that red wound in his ceiling pulsating with a sick twisted form of life.

Just then something poked through it and Eddie screamed. He didn’t mean to, but the sound had escaped his mouth before he even knew what it was.

What it was when Steve got him calmed down enough to actually see it, was a shovel.

It didn’t make him feel any better, until that curly little mop of hair stuck through the now decent sized hole in the ceiling.

“Henderson!” he cried in relief.

“There you are!” Dustin called back. “Do you think that you guys can work it open from your end while we work it open from our end?”

“Is everyone okay?” Steve asked.

“Yeah, we’re fine,” Dustin said. “Let’s get you guys out of there, okay?”

Between them, they were able to get the Gate open and a mattress set up to catch their fall.

“What are those stains?” Robin sneered.

Eddie looked up at them and licked his lips. “I, um... I don’t know what they are, honestly.”

Robin’s lip curled. “Gross.”

The truth was that Eddie really didn’t know. He had gotten it used a couple of years ago when his old mattress fell apart. They could have been there from its previous owner for all he knew.

“So who’s going up first?” Steve asked.

“Not you, pretty boy?” Eddie teased.

Steve blushed. “I want to make sure everyone else gets up there okay.”

Robin eyed the sheet rope and then said, “I’ll go.”

Steve nodded and watched carefully as Robin scaled the rope. She flipped around and landed on the mattress with a flomf!

Dustin helped her to her feet.

“That was quite fun actually.”

Back in the Upside Down, Eddie looked at Nancy and Steve, but neither one moved, so he shrugged. “I guess that means I’m next.”

This was Eddie’s least favorite part of gym, climbing rope ladders. He didn’t ever see the point. Though getting detention for pointing out it was part of the military industrial complex was one of his best days in that class, so...

Up he went. It wasn’t that he couldn’t climb the damn thing, he just loved ranting about having to.

“Okay, Nancy,” Steve said. “You’re next.”

But she didn’t answer. Steve turned to her but she was just standing there. He called out to her again.

“Nancy?”

Eddie’s head immediately popped back over the gate. “Shit!”

Steve shook her shoulders, but she remained immobile.

No, no, no, no...

Not Nancy!

****

Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Epilogue

Tag List: @mira-jadeamethyst @rozzieroos @itsall-taken @redfreckledwolf @emly03

@spectrum-spectre @estrellami-1 @zerokrox-blog @gregre369 @a-little-unsteddie

@chaosgremlinmunson @messrs-weasley @chaoticlovingdreamer @maya-custodios-dionach @danili666

@goodolefashionedloverboi @val-from-lawrence @i-must-potato @carlyv @wonderland-girl143-blog

@justforthedead89 @vecnuthy @irregular-child @bookbinderbitch @bookworm0690

@anne-bennett-cosplayer @yikes-a-bee @awkwardgravity1 @littlewildflowerkitten @genderless-spoon

@cinnamon-mushroomabomination @dragonmama76 @scheodingers-muppet @ellietheasexylibrarian @thedragonsaunt

@useless-nb-bisexual @angels-of-hades @mugloversonly @y4r3luv @greeniebean911

@birbsauce @acingthecounts @cryptid-system @counting-dollars-counting-stars @chameleonhair

@tinyplanet95

#my writing #stranger things #steddie #ladykailtiha writes #soulmate au

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vestaclinicpod · 5 months

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Audio Drama Sunday - 28th January ✨

Hours of data collection 😤👎 Hours of data collection with audio drama 🤭🫶

👻 @tellnotalespod (S2E2) If I had a ghost in my life, I’d want what Gemma and Micah have 🥺 I really hate this back and forth between Leo and Frank! HEY! Frank! That’s ~my~ Leo to be fond of, not yours! I’m so excited to catch up with Julia and Riley next week!

🦀 @thesiltverses (38) Oh my god, what an incredible episode! The exploration of a dementia-like process as being stalked by a god of death - PLEASE. The sound design was fantastic, I felt like I could really see the surroundings - the encroaching woods, the smudged prayer marks on the floor, the murky silt of the river - it was a beautiful experience. And I wish I could show you my face when I heard that Faulkner had got his testosterone from the CHURCH. NO! No no no. The manipulation! Show me a character in this show that isn’t so supremely messed up!! I want to help them all 😭

🧳 Travelling Light by @monstrousproductions (10) Another lovely instalment from my favourite wholesome sci-fi show. I couldn’t agree more with the description of home-sickness, you truly can’t predict what will set off the pangs for home!

🏛 @the-mistholme-museum (INEVITABLE) I have been hanging off the edge of my seat waiting to find out what would happen with the Beast. I love Not Eagle popping up as a contradictory voice and ATG’s completely cool, calm and collected response to it. I’m so unsure about the HoRestoration taking the Beast in . . . I used to trust her but after these cards . . . I’m less sure.

🌨️ @thewhitevault (6) I feel like I need to listen to this episode again to really let that Family timeline stick in my mind. Everything seems to be ramping up in Goshawk, and I suspected that there might be a few more unexpected, unwelcome guests soon!

❤️‍🔥 The Love Talker (7) This episode took us back in time to fill in some of the blanks regarding the main characters’ pasts. It’s very interesting to see how different Ren’s ability seems from the outside - it makes you wonder how it’s taken her so long to realise that the affect she has on people isn’t ‘normal’?? Is she a victim or a monster? I suspect it's gonna be both.

🏢 @somewhereohio (S2E7) Ooooh!! I was wondering when we’d get the answer regarding why Jasmine/Olivia was seen in that truck in Scarlet’s memory in S1!!! I feel like I need to go back and listen to their first encounter again to see if there’s any glimmer of a sign that Scarlet remembered her! The way Orange describes his variance sounds like a bit of a curse - but I have faith that he can do some good with it before the end of the season!!

🍾 I finished S2 of @ameliapodcast and it was so much fun! I loved the reveal that Amelia is a real, living person with an active role in the Project and I love that it’s Julia Morizawa!

🌫️ @souloperatorpod (2) I’ll be honest, I don’t really have a solid grasp on what’s happening here yet but the writing is very compelling, and I adore the music! I’m looking forward for the fog to lift a little!

♦️The Grotto (4) I went into this episode forewarned but definitely not forearmed… goddamn. Can I have a new episode soon, please?

🖥️ The Magnus Protocol (3) .jmj error HM? REALLY. I really am hoping that this will end with our TMA faves hopping out of the computers but I would also be satisfied with an explanation that whatever this thing is has listened to them read so many statements that it’s taken their voices, if nothing else… Also, I love Colin - it’s so rare that a piece of media gives us a character who is sooo batshit right from the word go. I love him. He’s 1000% going to die.

Hoping for a good week for everyone!!

#audio drama sunday #audiodramasunday #tell no tales #travelling light #the silt verses #soul operator #tmagp #the grotto #the amelia project #mistholme #the mistholme museum of mystery morbidity and mortality #the department of variance of somewhere ohio #the white vault

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peggy-sue-reads-a-book · 2 years

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Things your friends with social anxiety disorder wish you knew:

Unlike the name implies, social anxiety is not fear of people or crowds. The illness is as likely to occur in extroverts as introverts.

My favorite definition is a phobia of humiliation.

So this can include many things, but it mainly comes down to others’ perceptions. Those with SAD can be afraid of being seen as sloppy, ugly, inappropriate, perverted, mentally ill, dirty, whiny, incompetent, needy, slutty, impulsive, unstable, messy, clingy, cold, awkward, stupid, conceited, avoidant, rude, stuck-up, oversharing, prudish— you get the picture.

Read those words again. It’s not fear of being disliked. It’s fear of being humiliated. Being thought of as any of those things is specifically humiliating.

The fears range from taboo to simply embarrassing.

We struggle to form beliefs, values, and self concept. Any interaction could leave us feeling guilty or embarrassed. These feelings are as likely to arise immediately as they are long after the interaction is over.

Disappointing authority is terrifying. Especially if there are potential consequences like failing an exam or going to jail probably for the rest of your life.

We have a lot of physical symptoms. Stomach, bladder, tight shoulders, a stutter. All these things are cyclical and make it worse.

The illness is more likely to occur in someone with features that make them conspicuous such as weight issues, a tremor, no hair, or any other physical impairment.

Or, behavior symptoms like struggling to make eye contact, difficultly not interrupting, obvious learning issues, or being held back in school.

It’s not unusual to use substances to lower inhibition and get through parties and meeting new people. Of course, this creates the circular problem of later being extra embarrassed by your behavior.

It’s just as normal to overcompensate with humor and bluntness. Personally, I don’t think “claiming it” is a good coping strategy. Transparency isn’t the same thing as vulnerability and also you have the right to privacy. Don’t talk about your mental illness unless you actually want to.

I’m writing this post on this platform because I want to.

Shy isn’t a bad word. But shy isn’t a mental illness either. SAD is deep-seated clinical terror of being cringe. Shyness is a neutral personality trait.

Seriously though, if you shit on shy people I will take you out.

We struggle to seek support. In reality, we’re going through it. We literally know we’re going through it. When the truthful answer to “hey, how was your day?” includes your experience of mental illness, you’re not going to give your real answer.

So you’re not going to walk away feeling much sense of real connection, affirming that people are weird and out to embarrass you.

Some of them are. It’s not all you. I don’t care how batshit you are, sometimes it’s the other guy’s problem.

When we do seek support, it’s usually in the form of a joke. Remember what I said about transparency vs vulnerability. There’s clear like glass and there’s clear like plastic. Sometimes you have to get close and touch it to tell the difference.

We replay conversations obsessively in case maybe this time we won’t sound so weird in our own heads.

We sound so weird.

“Just be yourself!” is not helpful.

It’s not fair either. The sanest homie on the planet has no default “self.” Everyone exists in context and community. You wouldn’t answer “uh just wear ur clothes?” to someone who was nervous about the dress code to an event or interview.

People with social anxiety can be charismatic

People with social anxiety can have depression

People with social anxiety may be rude, snarky, or prickly because they’re so uncomfortable. Think April Ludgate. This is actually a lot more common than traditional “shy” behavior.

Or they might be super nice and fawning.

Or totally frozen and awkward.

What we want most is compassion. But how can you expect or ask for such a thing with all the features that come with this illness?

Just because we complain in anticipation doesn’t mean we don’t want to do something. I can know I’m gonna have a great time at a party, and in fact have a great time, but be miserable the week leading up to it. It’s mixed messages but I don’t really wanna be talked out of my life.

There’s literally so many ways this can play put and I think it’s as applicable to Tumblr as anywhere. ❤️

#mental health #mental health awareness #social anxiety disorder #social anxiety

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manysmallhands · 5 months

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Top 10 Albums of 2023!

This was all supposed to work out differently. As i recall from the now long distant past, my original plan was to do a countdown where i put up one post a day throughout December. However, I got Covid on December 1st and that plan immediately became lame and useless. After that, my assumption was basically that i wouldn't be able to do any of this, but i got better more quickly than i'd anticipated and found myself working on these reviews in bits as the month has gone on. So, having rushed through all the the song blurbs that i wanted to do, here i am on New Year's Eve with a more or less finished Top 10 albums to put up.

The only problem is that there are ten quite lengthy reviews here and the vibe is already pretty tl:dr. But tbh that's fine: there really is only my girlfriend who ever reads everything (and i believe her, trust is what love is all about after all) so for anyone looking at this and thinking blimey, that's a lot of text, my advice is: you don't have to read any of it. Just look at the albums, scan thru to see if it sounds like something you might like and give one or two of them a listen if that looks like the case. The words are really just to keep me occupied but i'd like to hope that someone likes some of the records.

I said yesterday that i would reveal what the best one is and so I am now delivering on that important promise. The best one is Scarlet by Doja Cat. Anyone who follows me on whatever platform already knows that the best one is Scarlet by Doja Cat. Don't make me say it again.

Barbie - The Album

Few people have seemed much interested in the Barbie soundtrack, other than the punters who kept it atop the compilations chart for four months. I, as ever, channel the spirit of the populous. The sound is basically 80s synth pop updated for a modern audience - the likes of Haim and Ava Max slot in predictably well - but its the extra dimensions created by how the artists interact with the film that provide some of its more interesting aspects. Sam Smith’s Man I Am reflects a surprisingly LGBTQ Ken despite protestations (certainly its "I'm not gay bro, but..." T-shirt is prompting a lot of questions already answered by the shirt), while Billie Eilish dwelling on life as a manufactured product makes for interesting and uncomfortable parallels in What Was I Made For. Mark Ronson’s plasticky production suits its subject to a tee, further cementing the conceptual unity of the project.

Star turns abound throughout the album as A-listers like Dua Lipa and Lizzo bring their best games alongside some terrific and unlikely downcard cameos. What Was I Made For? and Dance The Night were both deserved #1s, but the pacey pop punk of GAYLE’s Butterflies and Dominic Fike’s breezy, hook laden Hey Blondie are as much highlights as any of the bigger names here. Special mention should be made for Ryan Gosling’s I’m Just Ken, a blockbuster 70s rock number that, whilst puncturing the wider stylistic template, is batshit and hilarious enough to more than justify its place as well as netting him a surprise hit too. The quality lapses once or twice (Tame Impala in particular are bloody awful) but by the time Ava fires the final laser I’m generally happy to go back and start all over again. With banger after banger here, my verdict is in: the Barbie soundtrack is *Charli voice* HOT!

Claire Rosinkranz - Just Because

While this has been a year that I’ve gotten more fully into pop, it took a while for me to find many new albums that I’ve been interested in. This may partly be to do with me clinging to an idea that LPs ought to be substantial beyond having good hooks and charm. In truth, all I needed to do was revert to my indiepop training, where bands have never knowingly been fussed about having any great weightiness. But even so, it took Just Because to make it clear to me that no, you really don’t need any grand vision at all: a high number of great if frothy pop songs will do just fine. It’s a record which bounces from banger to banger in an endearingly sunny style, with each tune so catchy that their lightness becomes a strength rather than a weakness.

Rosinkranz’s voice seems to mark her out as one of the many Billie clones who populate the current pop scene but her musical ambitions are both simpler and more instantly engaging. Not yet 20, her songs have an element of schoolyard whispers which add a welcome silliness here and there, but she also plays with the intensity of youthful emotions to make them a little heartrending even as she goofs off. Highlights include Dreamer, a break up song where the vocal makes it clear that she’s far from as done as she says she is, and Wes Anderson, which offers some sombre advice but packages it in a song so sweet that you’d never know. But in spite of all this it makes no end of year lists (well, maybe just the one), being merely a lovable set of songs that are very hard to forget. Need it be more? I don't believe so.

Doja Cat - Scarlet

Mired in discourse throughout the year, Doja Cat still found time to make a chart topping single (Paint The Town Red) that took the world by storm and a cracking album which, sadly, did not. Scarlet was in my opinion the better of the two: largely ditching the afrobeat pop of Planet Her, Doja staked her claim as an old skool rapper and brought it off pretty well, mixing hard rhyming with her more scattershot pop delivery and sounding entirely comfortable wherever she landed. While flitting musically between modern RnB and neo-soul grooves, her subject matter was largely taken up by how much she hated her fans, a bold strategy that found her shedding support even as blistering tracks like Fuck The Girls shaped up as some of my favourites of the year.

Whilst I’ve found myself uncomfortable with both the company that she keeps and the views which she may or may not subscribe to (i feel safe in saying that she's a right wing edgelord but i suspect that’s the least of it), Scarlet is such a good album that I’ve found myself, if not making excuses for her, then at least deftly navigating around my distaste in order to keep listening to it. While Agora Hills often reminded me how serious she is about her scumbag of a boyfriend, it’s still a song that can submerge me in its beauty entirely; while some of the complaints from her online audience are less easily dismissed than others, it’s more comfortable just to think about the morons calling her a devil worshiper, especially when she mocks them so wickedly on the elegant Skull And Bones. Am I the problem? Maybe I am: it’s a place I often find myself in with hip hop, where faves are frequently problematic and exceptions beg to be made. As such, I can not wholeheartedly recommend this record to people who might want to take a principled stand against some of her bullshit. I can only say that, as a musical talent, there was no one better all year.

Lana Del Rey - Did You Know That There’s a Tunnel Under Ocean Boulevard?

After 2021’s fairly middling brace of albums, Did You Know That There’s A Tunnel Under Ocean Blvd always felt like it was going to be a return to form and this time the faithful were not disappointed. It was another epic and sprawling record which unfolded like a cross between The Bible and a 50s musical. While changeable in style, ranging from hammy country ballads to trap beats and beyond, the thing that springs to mind most often is the Great American Songbook, as Lana takes the melodramatic grandeur of those standards and soaks them in her own messy and complicated worldview. This draws in family, romance, the future, her relationship with religion and how it all scrappily fits together, ranging widely and wildly across 75 extraordinary minutes.

Much of the album feels like it’s being broadcast from a kind of dreamworld, although one that overlays with reality neatly enough. Lana’s dismissive “if you want some basic bitch go to the Beverly Centre and find her” line undercuts the mood on the otherwise lush and evocative Sweet but the impact is hilarious rather than jarring, a perfect marriage of the strange and mundane. In contrast, the brooding A&W initially brings that realism to a far more uncomfortable level, before goofing off wonderfully in the second half in a way that only Lana ever really dares to do. Much of the record feels like it's creating its own language, as key phrases (“let the light in”, “when you know, you know”) are repeated and musical themes come back around in strange modulations. All in all, while perhaps less satisfying as a pop record than Norman Fucking Rockwell, Did You Know… feels like her most complete statement on a personal level yet, whilst still working well within the broader world that she’s spent over a decade constructing.

Mitski - The Land Is Inhospitable And So Are We

Despite liking the odd song or two, I have until now been largely immune to Mitski over the full length of an album. But The Land Is Inhospitable And So Are We has a much more organic sound than I’m used to hearing from her, well adrift from the polished guitar rock of her big 10s records. Instead, it takes many of its cues from classic folk and country, occasionally lush and expansive, often determinedly sombre but always at a distance from the areas where she’s generally been at home. Opener Bug Like An Angel is a brooding scene setter, where Mitski unveils the terse and grumpy presence we will grow familiar with over the next half hour. The main elements of the album are already in place - the spare instrumentation; Mitski’s extraordinary voice, hard and intransigent but still full of yearning; the occasional, overwhelming interjections from the wings. It all creates a distinctive atmosphere, extremely intense but intimate too: we’re allowed into Mitski’s world but there’s a lot to take in.

Lyrically, the songs are both heavily allusive and extremely personal, like hearing ancient parables told by the characters from the story. Surprise hit My Love Mine All Mine seems to sit apart as a relatively standard love song but a closer listen reveals deeper layers; the placing of her love as something independent from its object makes it feel more of a piece with the album’s other enigmas. At a time where Mitski seemed to be cooling on being a rock star, The Land Is Inhospitable adds a new twist to her long musical journey, seemingly presenting a more intimate portrait while in fact retaining most of her essential mystery. As an album, it really is quite something: what that is I’m less certain of but I like it regardless.

Olivia Rodrigo - Guts

Tho I wouldn't have called myself a hater (I don’t think I would have been bothered enough), I don't really like Olivia’s all conquering debut Sour, which I thought a bit too one-note and overpopulated with slushy ballads. But by the time Guts came around I was open to listening again, drawn in by its excellent singles and primed for a different experience. Vampire, the best of them and more or less of this year, was a fantastic example of taking something that Olivia is clearly very accomplished at (the grand piano lament) and then, rather than running that into the ground, instead using it as a springboard for an entirely different idea. Get Him Back and Bad Idea Right hark back to earlier guitar based tracks like Brutal, but on Guts they form a much more substantive part of the album, cementing its brand of addictive pop grunge and working up a much goofier version of her messy teen persona.

Elsewhere, the ballads did in fact return. Some have speculated that this may have been a bad idea (right?) but for me they’ve been growers, particularly the likes of Lacy and The Grudge, where Olivia explores the bitterness of youth and uses it to tear holes in the people who’ve wronged her. But if I’m honest, it’s the rockers that I’m usually waiting for: whether the new wave pastiche of Love Is Embarrassing or autumnal Cure homage Pretty Isn’t Pretty, each one feels like a mini-revelation and it’s the style that I hope she leans on most in the future.

Palehound - Eye On The Bat

Palehound have been around for a while now and every so often I’ve given their records a try and haven't really managed to connect with them properly. Eye on the Bat has been the first exception, though whether that's because it’s any better than the others or I just made more of an effort with it I don’t know. Its template is certainly well worn in the indie world - country rock with varying degrees of aggression or melodic sweetness - but there’s still a lot here that grabs my attention, especially in the charming indie pop of the title track and the heart-rending melancholy of Route 22.

But the thing that caught my ear the most was Ellen Kempner’s disarming honesty, with much of the album spent documenting what sounds like a deeply messy break up. Whether she’s bitterly picking through the fall out on Independence Day or remembering some hilariously embarrassing bedroom scene on opener Good Sex, Eye On The Bat's almost diaristic view is mesmerising throughout, making you warm to Kempner even as she works thru some of her own worst traits. And aside from anything else, her understanding of relationships underlines her strengths as a lyricist, as she dissects their complexities with wit, sympathy and occasional anger to capture all the stuff that transcends whatever we were hoping for in the first place.

Poppy - Zig

After the wild ride that commenced with 2020’s extraordinary pop/metal mash up I Disagree, Poppy has journeyed thru indie rock, goth and punk to wind up back where she started, only not quite. Zig may represent a return to pop - indeed it’s produced by Weeknd affiliate Ali Payami - but it’s one that’s filtered thru all of the places she stopped off along the way.

The crepuscular grind of Church Outfit and Knockoff sound like more danceable versions of the I Disagree sound, while the crunching title track suggests that she can still go as hard as ever. But there are nods to a lighter side here as well, particularly in the strong trio that wind up the album: The Attic recasts her sound in a euphoric drum n bass clatter whilst closer Prove It kicks up a remarkable blend of manic hyperpop and gentle electro-balladry, whilst still working in the rich emotional palette that she’s developed in recent years.

In one sense this is a huge departure from the frenetic punk of last year’s Stagger EP but the vibes here stake out territory that you’d still find oddly familiar. Some of the gothy ballads are less immediate than other songs but nothing on Zig is boring, just varying refinements on her ever evolving musical journey. The critics were split, occasionally rattled and sometimes just plain baffled, but that’s only to be expected by now. Poppy follows her own plan and rarely sticks to the same tune: in truth it’s a privilege just to be a witness to the chaos.

Sweeping Promises - Good Living Is Coming For You

One thing that I find missing in a lot of modern guitar based music is snappy songs with good catchy hooks. While Sweeping Promises appear to place their focus elsewhere - their high concept sound is best understood as someone broadcasting direct from 1979 through a wristwatch speaker - their second album still finds time to deliver fully on the tunes. Good Living Is Coming To You is steeped in bubblegum melodies and memorable choruses, with songs that become earworms before you’ve even registered how catchy they are.

More than anything, it's dominated by Lira Mondal’s imperious vocals: whether it’s in the cascading harmonies of Throw Of The Dice, the fierce yells and hisses that close out the title track or her sweet voiced switch-outs on Ideal No, her character springs out of every song in a way that few singers ever really manage to impose. While you might think that the post punk era has been mined to death by now, Sweeping Promises drag new life into it by going back further: their sound may be heavily rooted in a specific moment but the elements of songcraft often have more in common with 60s girl group classics than gnarled art rockers. Ten bangers and no filler: Good Living Is Coming For You is everything I wanted from it and more.

Wednesday - Rat Saw God

While the queasy vibes of 2021’s Twin Plagues are still high in the mix here, it was the welcome injection of melody on Wednesday's third album that managed to alert the media. That lightness was more apparent in Karly Hartzman's lyrics than you might notice on a passing listen too: though often praised for her grimly amusing takes on middle American backwaters, the key to them was her deceptively soft touch, casting a sympathetic eye over grisly scenes even as she retained their gnarlier undertones.

Single Chosen To Deserve, with its crunching chorus and heartwarming romantic turnaround, feels like the designated big moment from the record but in reality Rat Saw God has an embarrassment of riches. Quarry in particular, with its Waterloo Sunset-esque signature and matter-of-fact dissection of grim local gossip, is an almost pop version of the most haunting aspects of Hartzman's craft, while the washed out bounce of closer TV in the Gas Pump pitches a lonelier scene in a similarly gorgeous manner.

This is not to forget that Wedneday can still rock extremely hard when they want to, especially on the brutal 8 minute Bull Believer, an ambitious multipart epic that ends with Hartzman screaming “FINISH HIM!!!” repeatedly over the chaotic finale. But while Rat Saw God brought this kind of sawtoothed sound back to widespread acclaim, its real trick was how it sugared the pill just enough to get it past even the most determinedly sweet tooth.

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void-botanist · 8 months

Text

Several lines, in fact

I finally wrote something long enough to catch up on the various tags I've gotten from @duckingwriting (9 lines 9 people), @autumnalwalker (last line), @sarahlizziewrites (heads up 7 up), and @andromeda-grace (last 7 lines).

I'll pass the tag on to @vacantgodling, @kahvilahuhut, and @outpost51, plus anyone who wants to, to share as many recent lines as you feel like.

This is a Sorian scene from 15 years before the start of AOM that might actually show up in AOM as a memory.

━━━━━━━━ ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ━━━━━━━━

He knocked on the half-open door as he peeked his head in. “Professor Standing?”

Standing looked up from his computer. His brown eyes were framed by gold-rimmed glasses and his brown face was framed by a cascade of salt-and-pepper hair. “Come in.”

Sorian took the invitation, shutting the door softly and taking the seat on the near side of Standing’s desk. The room was a normal size for a professor’s office, but he felt too tall for it.

Standing leaned into his desk a little. “How can I help you?”

“Well…my name is Sorian Shank, and…I don’t think there’s any way to say this normally—I think your son is also my son.”

Standing blinked, maybe just in surprise, but he seemed deeply unimpressed. “And why is that?”

“Because I know I have a son named Horatio, and I know he was adopted by someone in Tobarsha.” He reached into the breast pocket of his too-new shirt and pulled out a newspaper clipping to spread out on the desk. “He’d be about fourteen now, like the Horatio Standing in this article. Based on the phone book, it seemed most likely that you and Edith would be his parents. So I came to ask you.”

Standing took his time poring over the article, even though it wasn’t very long. When he looked up again, he said, “Pardon my Intersystem, but you know this sounds batshit, right?”

“I know, but…” He should have been better prepared for this. It seemed like a weird enough request that Standing would have to believe him, aside from the fact that it was true. “The reason I know he still lives in Tobarsha is because Emma Reid told me. I was on Ensaum with them, the Reids. She said her son Sid was Horatio’s friend. She had a picture of him, and he also has the”—he gestured to his hair—“the silver highlights. It was too much of a coincidence not to be him.”

“So what do you want with him now?”

“I just want to meet him. If he wants to meet me.”

Standing pushed the article back across his desk. “How about you meet my wife first and tell us your story.” He grabbed his phone from the far corner of the desk, then handed it to Sorian with a new contact open.

Sorian put in as much information as he could, much more than he would even think about putting into a normal contact, even as he felt Standing’s eyes on him. Hopefully that would help reassure them that he meant no harm and they could search him on the internet as much as they wanted.

When he handed back the phone, Standing scrolled through what he’d written. “You aren’t fooling around, huh.”

Sorian answered with a tight smile.

“Well, I can’t say for sure, but we might be able to meet you tonight, if you’re free.”

“I’m always free,” Sorian said. “I just got back from Ensaum last week.”

“Right. Well, I’ll let you know.”

“Great. Thank you.” He wanted to continue the conversation, as stilted as it was, but Standing obviously wanted him to leave. He stood up, again feeling too tall, and let himself out.

#everyone: you have a son there somewhere #Sorian: where????? can I please have directions?????#the article is like an awards blurb. I like to imagine Horatio was in something like Envirothon & got a highest score or something #but it would clearly say that he was a freshman in high school #wip: aom #c: Sorian #c: Leon #soravis #<- i mean there's no avis but #rose writ #tag games

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hxneyhxrts · 2 years

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Sun Bleached || Jake “Hangman” Seresin (part 2)

Part 1

note: you guys are batshit for reading this, love you, let me know how we’re feeling

warnings: explicit language

Sleeping on the Blacktop

“You’re asking me to assemble a team to prepare for attack and these guys are my choices?”

Jake hadn’t meant to raise his voice when speaking to Maverick, but the image of that girl and her fucking grin after her little performance was sending him spiraling.

Admiral Simpson responded before his captain could tear into his ass about his volume. “You aren’t impressed?”

Rooster spoke up from where he lounged against the opposite wall, the rest of the team scattered around the office like weeds. “I thought they were pretty good.”

Jake scoffed and rolled his eyes. “You would.”

“Who’s top of the class so far?” Phoenix interrupted as she sensed the tension between her teammates rising with every second passing.

Cyclone smirked at Jake, and something about the older man’s expression irked him even more.

What was happening to him?

“Lieutenant Canadee. Callsign ‘Cheek’.”

He wanted to scream.

“She’s one hell of a pilot,” Coyote offered.

Jake didn’t know why, but the statement bugged him. “She’s reckless, is what she is!”

Eyes from all over the room settled on him, a genuine laugh leaving Phoenix at the sight of him. “Never thought I’d see the day Bagman wanted someone to take it slow.”

Jake rolled his eyes, both at the nickname and the comment. Maybe he wasn’t the safest or most “textbook perfect” pilot, but he was damn good and he knew his limits.

Most of the time.

But she didn’t. She hadn’t even finished the program yet, and she still flew with the arrogance of a seasoned professional.

And he hated it.

Every single part of her flying screamed ‘untouchable’. And that little bitter rage inside of him wanted to correct it, to put her in her place and keep her from killing herself.

‘That’s not true,’ snarled a little voice in the back of his head, and again, he yanked on that internal leash until it quieted.

It was true. It must’ve been true. He wouldn’t be so riled up over her if it wasn’t. She was dangerous and he wouldn’t allow that. Not on his first assignment as squadron leader.

“So my only options are inexperienced pilots who cower against some kid?” he simpered.

Maverick sighed, a defeated sound that only served to push Jake further. “Or you pick the kid.”

“I’m not putting her anywhere near my team.”

It was final, his voice. No room for argument or discussion. He had made his choice and that was that.

Rooster didn’t seem to think so.

“I don’t get why you’re so against the idea of her being on the team. Her and her RIO seem like a good pair, and the other pilots talk highly of her. She might do great,” he tried. Jake didn’t miss the way his voice seemed to soften more than usual, as if picking up on the tension mounting.

“Or she could get us all killed,” he sneered.

And herself, but he didn’t voice that point.

How was no one seeing his side of it? How had no one else in the room picked up on the fact that this was a ridiculous idea?

Top fucking 1%.

A beat passed before Beau sighed, pushing himself back from his desk and stalking around to lean on it. “The rest of the crew calls her and Rev ‘the Twins’.” His lips spread into a small grin that seemed to chill the air around them. “Ask me why.”

He was baiting him, and Jake knew, could read right into him. This was a way to reign him in without saying as much. Jake had been towing the line between passionate and disrespectful, and Admiral Simpson had had enough. He was trying to reel him in before he got too far out.

Jake, at least, had the decency to appreciate the effort.

“Why?” he all but spat.

If he was affected by the snappiness, Beau didn’t show it. “They walk alike. They talk alike. They think alike. They eat, breathe, sleep, and fly alike. They’re the most cohesive team I’ve had come through this program in quite some time, and yes, that includes all of you.” His eyes slid across the crew assembled, somehow making a room full of the Navy’s finest feel small and insignificant under his stare. “They’d be a fine addition to the team, but in the end, it’s up to you… squadron leader.”

The title sounded sour when he said it, and Jake realized this was never meant to be a reward for his bravery during the dagger mission, or a “challenge” as Maverick had tried to frame it.

It was a punishment. For not following orders and flying without instruction. Forget that he had saved Mav’s ass (and Rooster, the son of a bitch), he had bucked and shouted until he took what he wanted, and left despite his orders to stay put.

And they wanted him to pay for it.

Admiral Simpson would never say as much, and Maverick probably did see it as a learning opportunity, but Jake saw it for exactly what it was.

His captain stirred in his chair, shuffling his feet uncomfortably and finally speaking up again. “Give it a shot. You’ll have plenty of down time to talk to them, and starting tomorrow you all will be flying in dogfight drills with them. Just take a few days to get to know everyone and see who meshes with the rest of you,” he encouraged, but his eyes didn’t have the same cheer in them. He didn’t believe the words he was saying as much as anyone else in the office. “Be open-minded, and see what happens.”

See what happens. A team tasked with protecting the fortress they called ‘home’, and they wanted him to just…

see what happens?

Jake spun on his heel and stormed out before he said something that very well may have cost him his career.

—————

Coyote had tracked him down, pacing on the deck while sweat headed down his neck. It took all of twenty minutes to convince him to join the team for lunch, but he relented nonetheless and sulked behind his friend down the corridors and to the mess hall.

Goddamn Coyote.

Because “team lunch” didn’t just mean them, Rooster, Phoenix, Bob, and Payback.

“Team lunch” meant his team…

…and every single one of the rookies.

The urge to turn around and stalk back to the deck was almost overwhelming, but Coyote clamped a hand down on his shoulder and steered him towards a seat near Bradshaw. A quick glance over the crowd was enough for him to realize a certain young woman was absent, and he cursed the surge of disappointment he felt, insisting it was annoyance.

Yes. Annoyance. He was annoyed that she would skip team lunch. That’s all this was.

“If it isn’t our fearful leader,” Bradley cooed, halfway through a plate of whatever the higher ups had ordered for catering. A celebratory lunch, he was sure, for the graduating class.

Celebratory lunch for mediocrity.

Great.

Jake knew he was being unfair, anyone with eyes could tell he was in a mood, and it’s not like anyone did anything to piss him off. But he was upset, and he was squadron leader, so it was their problem now too.

He realized too late that Bradshaw had been in the middle of conversing with Rev, the latter of which was staring at Rooster like he hung the stars. He had half a mind to stand up and relocate, maybe sit somewhere where no one would bother him (like another room), when the door swung open, loud enough to echo through the room, and Rev’s eyes lit up.

“There she is!”

Fuck.

Cheek seemed to skip into the room, her steps light and bouncy and unrelentingly agitating for some reason. Because of course she would fly hard enough to make a mockery out of the rest of her team, and still have the audacity to just stroll on in.

The chair across from him was pulled out and before he could brace himself, she was in front of him, changed out of her flight suit into a Navy sweatshirt and athletic shorts. His nails bit into his palms at the sight of her bare legs, and he wanted to scream.

Jake knew her type. She flew fast, and without regard for herself, only concerned with the task and those around her, and that kind of flying was not what he wanted to put out in the field for this mission. He wouldn’t risk her failing and reaping the consequences because of her recklessness.

‘You don’t even know her,’ a voice in his head reasoned.

He didn’t have to. At least, he didn’t think so. He didn’t want to.

He didn’t.

“Hey handsome,” she smiled, and the way her eyes crinkled under the weight of it made his chest hurt.

He didn’t want to think about what that meant.

He didn’t.

A hand hovered in front of him, outstretched and gentle, and it was only then that he realized she had been speaking to him.

“What?” he bit out harshly.

But it didn’t deter her. That same bright smile was practically cemented to her cheeks. “It’s nice to meet you. I’m Gwyn.”

Gwyn.

Somehow having a name, an actual name to call her made the knot in his chest so much worse.

What the fuck was wrong with him?

“Hangman,” he replied without humor. She didn’t need to know anything beyond his callsign. He couldn’t handle the idea of her calling him anything else besides his callsign.

Her hand hung limply between them as she replied, “Oh we’re using callsigns. I’m Cheek.” Jake didn’t want to, but he shook her hand, for no other reason than to get her out of his space and back to her side of the table where she wasn’t so suffocatingly close. She perched herself on the edge of her chair, elbows resting on the table, as she leaned in like she was hanging on to every word he said.

“Alec Shaw, callsign ‘Rev’,” cut in the dark haired man next to her. Jake didn’t bother offering to shake his hand, and Alec didn’t seem interested in offering his.

Bradshaw introduced himself next, ever the charmer, and began a series of polite questions that Jake probably should’ve been asking as squadron leader, but he was too preoccupied watching the way Gwyn’s eyes followed their every movement, as if she was scared to miss something.

“So,” Rooster smiled, lacing his hands together on the table, “why do they call you ‘Cheek’?”

Gwyn opened her mouth to respond, but Rev beat her to the chase, and Jake got the distinct impression that he did that often.

“Because she never knows when to shut the hell up.”

The young woman smiled, clearly unbothered but the comment, but Jake bit back the urge to reprimand Alec for it all the same.

‘See what happens.’

Fuck.

He knew he should’ve been more engaging in the conversation, maybe even make rounds to different tables and speak with all the other candidates, but he was glued to his chair, trying (and failing) to ignore Gwyn as she told Bradshaw about how she had been invited to join the program.

“Alec and I have been flying together since flight school, so we were really stoked to be invited here together.”

“You make a good team,” Bradley smiled politely, side-eyeing Jake in a way that told him he should be paying attention. Jake sighed and sat up.

“What makes you better than every other pilot here?”

Straight to the point. He wanted to hear her brag out of her ass that way he could report back to Mac that she wasn’t a reliable team member, and move on.

Gwyn’s brow furrowed, only a little, but enough for him to catch it before it was gone. Almost instantly, she replied, “I don’t think I’m any better than the other pilots. I don’t think anyone here is any better than anyone else. I just happen to have a great RIO, and we just happen to make a great team.”

Rooster nodded approvingly, but Jake tensed. That wasn’t the answer he wanted, not the kind of answer that was going to help solidify his feelings towards her and help him be done with all of this. So he pushed.

“You may not be better than anyone else here. Some of us are.”

The furrow in her brow was back. Alec sat up a little straighter, glancing between the two of them before interjecting. “Well, what makes you better than the rest?”

His response was instant, practically rehearsed. “I'm faster, I'm smarter, I'm just better.”

“Do you think I’m not as good as you are?”

The tone she spoke to him with was quiet, almost timid, and he knew he had hit a nerve. A better man would’ve pulled back, maybe apologized, and moved the conversation along. But he didn’t want to be a better man. He wanted to be rid of her and the tingling that was now spreading through his chest and down his spine.

“With all due respect, only one of us has actually completed Top Gun.”

“And yet, we’re sitting at the same table.”

Jake’s shoulders tensed at the challenge in her words. She was angry, and pushing his buttons. Had he deserved it? Sure.

Would he accept it? No.

“What are you implying?”

Her gaze narrowed before settling again, and when she spoke again her voice was distant. “Nothing, Lieutenant Seresin.”

She stood from her chair and left the room in four strides, quickly enough to miss the way his face fell at how she said his name, spitting it out like a curse.

Alec watched her go, and smirked. “We’ll see you guys tomorrow for drills.” And with that, he stalked after her.

Rooster sighed from beside him, clapping a hand on his shoulder, but deciding not to speak. Jake didn’t need him to, anyway. He knew was being an ass, but it was like he didn’t have control over his mouth or his feelings. He didn’t want this responsibility, didn’t want to lead a team. Even more, he didn’t want to lead a team with her in it. Didn’t want to think about the mission at hand and how it would affect not only his friends, but some kid who hadn’t even finished Top Gun yet. So if he had to bitch and moan his way into getting her as far away from this assignment, so be it.

It still didn’t fix the feeling in his chest, though.

Part 3

#jake seresin #jake seresin x reader #jake hangman seresin #hangman top gun #hangman x reader

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thetarttfuldickhead · 6 months

Text

A Jamie-centric pre-OT3 Christmas story told in 25 short chapters.

Masterpost / AO3

20.

Roy didn’t have a very high opinion of people in general. He didn’t expect much of humanity as a whole. He was aware that some people might call him a misanthrope (though that was fucking unfair, because it wasn’t that he didn’t like other people, it was that most other people persisted in being fucking idiots and why the fuck should he waste his time on fucking idiots of he didn’t have to?). Given that, it was something of a mystery to him how he still could be continually surprised by the utter absurdity of the things people got up to. Especially if the person in question was Jamie Tartt, because if something was stupid and/or pointless, Roy fully expected Jamie to be all for it. (Though perhaps, he allowed, there were depths to Tartt he hadn’t considered before. Sides he hadn’t seen, and mightn’t necessarily hate.)

Yet here he was, fucking perplexed by what he’d just been told, seemingly in all earnestness, by the little tosser still wrapped in Keeley’s arms.

“You wanted to make me happy,” he said flatly. “Because the universe sent you a dream that that’s what you had to do if you wanted to see your mum.”

“I think it’s sweet,” Keeley interjected, shooting Roy a warning look. He rolled his eyes at her, because excuse him for being a tiny bit baffled by this batshit logic.

But he also subsided, because none of them needed this to turn into another shouting match.

“I think it’s sweet,” Keeley repeated firmly, turning her attention back to Jamie. “And I believe the universe does send us signs sometimes. But babe, do you think that maybe you got a little caught up in the doing good stuff bit, and forgot about what it really was you were trying to achieve?”

”Yeah,“ Roy agreed quickly, feeling that on this at least he had some relevant thoughts. “Jesus Christ, Tartt, if you want to make things right with your mum, you need to talk to your mum. Mucking around with other people – sending secret gifts and shit – is just putting it off and getting you nowhere.” He crossed his arms and gave Jamie a pointed look. “You need to stop making excuses about what the universe fucking wants you to do and go see your mum.”

“Yeah,” Jamie murmured, pulling at the hem of his hoodie. “I… I know that, all right? I know. But, I just thought… I mean, it’s… it’s fucking hard, okay? So I thought that maybe, if I, you know, if I could tell her that it was all okay now, that I’d made nice with everyone, then she’d… I thought it’d be easier, like.”

Something small and soft in his voice, causing Roy’s bemused irritation to melt away (and alarmingly quickly too, which was irritating all on its own). “And you thought getting me a bottle of whisky would make everything right between us, did you?” he asked drily, mostly to cover the entirely unreasonable surge of… not affection, but something a whole lot gentler than the active dislike he’d reserved for the other until today.

“Mate, that whisky cost more than your watch,” Jamie informed him haughtily, sounded for a moment rather like his usual self. “It was right hard to get hold of, too. Had to get the year of your birth, right, you even notice that? And besides,” he added before Roy had time to answer, in a far more plaintive voice, “You wouldn’t talk to me. I fucking tried, remember? Was dead polite about it and all, but you were a mean cunt just like always—“

“Oi! Don’t call me a mean cunt when you’re sat on my fucking couch and cuddling my girlfriend, you twat.”

“Uh, then don’t call me a twat—“

“Boys,” Keeley said sternly. “We were having a decent time here, yeah? Don’t go ruining it with your testosterone.”

“Sorry, Keeley,” Jamie immediately offered, the little suck-up. Roy gave him a sardonic look – since when did Jamie apologise for anything? – but kept quiet. Keeley did have a point, didn’t she?

His restraint was rewarded by a warm but knowing smile from Keeley and a mouthed thank you, even as she resumed running her hand through Jamie’s hair. Jamie hummed happily and snuggled even closer, his earlier concern about Roy’s reaction to Keeley holding him apparently forgotten.

And it was odd, because Roy should have thought he’d be jealous, given how worked up he’d been over Keeley’s past with Jamie back when he first started fancying her. And maybe he was, just a bit (because Keeley looked stunning and he hadn’t kissed her since this morning and it would be pretty fucking lovely to just hold her for a moment), but mostly the sight of them, with Jamie curled up against Keeley like a cat and looking unguardedly relaxed, made him feel… He didn’t quite know. Warm, maybe. Protective. Something in him ached, but not in a bad way.

”It never was about me, was it?” he mused aloud. “The gifts, the fucking plane and carollers, it was just something you had to do to make things right with your mum?” That ached too, unexpectedly; in a bad way.

Jamie scrunched up his face. “No. I mean, yeah, yeah, of course it was, in the beginning, but like… it was about you too, especially in the end? I liked knowing I did something nice for you, yeah? Like, I could make Roy Kent feel good and that made me feel good, you know?”

Oh. Yeah. Roy did know all about how sometimes making others feel good was the only way you could feel even remotely good about yourself. He just hadn’t thought that be something he’d ever have in common with Jamie Tartt of all people, or that Roy’s well-being would ever be of any concern to Jamie’s.

“And you did… “ Jamie sounded fucking shy, although he tried to mask it by pretending to inspect his nails very carefully. “I mean, you did, right? Like it? Some of it?”

Roy’s first instinct was to say not, because… Well. Because. But looking at Jamie and seeing the way he was trying so hard to appear casual while sneaking little peeks at Roy while waiting for an answer, he found that he didn’t have the heart for it.

“The plane was a little over the top,” he finally allowed with a sigh. “But other than that, yeah, Jamie, I fucking liked it.”

#the cuddling continues!#that's it that's what happens #and a bunch of talking #royjamiekeeley #god the three of them together just makes me SO HAPPY #jamie's christmas carol #my stuff #fic

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mememanufactorum · 1 year

Text

Things I’ve said out of context (June 2023 edition)

* FEEL FREE TO SHARE AS YOU PLEASE, NO CREDIT NEEDED. CHANGE PRONOUNS OR ANYTHING ELSE AS DESIRED.

The creature has finally appeared.

Hate this. Fucking hate this. Goddamn fucking hate this.

Yeetus deletus.

My room might be getting dangerously close to becoming 50% methane.

Don’t tell me you too are intimidated by the mcnuggies.

[name] literally so brain blunted that he doesn't even realize he's naked on a beach until someone specifically points it out to him. It’s perfect.

How are you supposed to prove you’re better than [name] by jobbing?

WHAT ARE THEY SCORING FOR?

AH I SEE. PUT YOURSELF INTO A POSITION WHERE IT DOESN’T MATTER.

[name] going for blocks like he’s playing in 800 ping.

It's only when a ball's flying towards his face that [name] remembers how to dodge.

[name] ACTUALLY DEFENDED THE GOAL? THE FUCK?

Shit’s lit.

Bruh got bullets put up his ass for saluting a fallen comrade.

RING FINGER. WHAT WAS EVEN THE POINT THEN?

How many times in a row can [name] get thrown through a glass display case.

How many times can [name] get hit by a car.

Although ACTUAL WATER BULLET PHYSICS had me thoroughly entertained at least.

So it's starting to get a little creatively bankrupt in the "Let's find new ways to physically hurt [name]" department.

So I might be making a little fucky wucky.

Oh holy shit. We actually have Korean BBQ.

If I die in the next 24 hours, you’ll know why.

I feel marginally more awake than I did before. Marginally.

PUSHING BUTTONS.

WAIT, BUT I THOUGHT YOU WERE EATING DONUTS. WERE YOU EATING, LIKE A MARTIN LUTHER OR SOMETHING? A BURGER SANDWICHED BETWEEN TWO DONUTS?

This sounds like some SS13 shit.

I don't think the Bang did shit for me. I am right back to feeling like I did before I drank it.

I am also in the shrine. My shrine.

Everyone can’t wait to not play it.

Why can’t we get Gary Busey in DBD?

I hope she ass gets the poetic justice treatment.

I'm just trying to watch a Japanese man spend 3 days in a net cafe room. I ain't ask for a near 3 hour ad.

I offer you nothing more than the silence of shame at that pun.

Bros, you want a cheap ass Keurig with Pokemon stickers slapped on it?

This isn't even the weirdest Japan thing I've seen today.

I literally just watched a video about anime VN video games made about Uno.

I know I do literally no damage, but my self-sustain though.

[name] apparently made Clara so strong that she broke her internet.

Here's everyone's regular reminder that Lucina and Kaine have the same voice actress.

My source may be that I'm making this the fuck up, but how else do you explain it?

You don’t know what powers you invoke.

I just had to fucking double check to make sure I didn't just somehow make it up in my own head.

Let me just firmly root myself in reality for a moment.

This exists. We can all confirm this is a thing that exists.

The Jhammel’s just gonna grow its head into the giant voidgate on the moon, look Zeromus dead in the face, and call him a bitch.

Time to interrogate everyone you know.

For once, a batshit comedy anime gave me practical knowledge.

Time to fucking burn the chair.

Because when you steal from the criminals' monetary depository and then suddenly turn around and try to pay them back for the same exact amount that got stolen, they're going to most likely put two and two together.

WHO WANTED MORE SMALL SOLDIERS?

Things are beautiful just before they die, struggling until the very end.

Let me make something clear here: Just because 2 out of 3 of us aren’t a threat doesn’t mean I’m still not a threat.

#roleplay meme #roleplay prompt #rp meme #rp prompt

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comphy-and-cozy · 2 years

Note

🌺 127 with whoever you’d like bestie I trust your judgement

custom for you my love 😘

the last 500 followers celly blurb!

Prompt: #127 “You’re insane.” “People keep telling me that.”

Pairing: Tyson Jost x Reader (f)

Word Count: 706

Warnings: Sappy fluff and one (1) hot sister and that’s about it

“Sorry, let me get this straight,” your best friend says as she perches on the end of your bed, watching you rifle through your closet. “You went on a date with Tyson Jost, and now he’s asked you to be his date to his family reunion?”

You shrug, holding up a jumpsuit to your frame as you glance in the mirror. Too edgy. “Yeah, pretty much.”

“You’re insane,” she says, nodding in approval when you toss the jumpsuit to the discard pile. “You’re absolutely batshit insane.”

Pulling out two sundresses, you hold them both up and compare. Your best friend points at the one in your left hand, the light blue one with flowers on it and strings that tie into a bow on your shoulders. Perfect.

“People keep telling me that.”

“You’re bringing her to the family reunion? As your second date? Tyson, you’re insane,” Kacey says incredulously, staring at her brother after he casually drops the news on her.

“People keep telling me that,” grimaces the curly-headed boy lounging on the couch, phone in hand. “She’s cool as hell, Kace. I really think you’ll love her.”

“But — the second date?”

“It’s gonna be fine.” He brushes off her concern, thinking back to the date he’d two nights ago.

“I honestly can’t believe you got me cooking,” he laughed, donning the black apron on the table in front of him. “I barely even cook for myself at home.”

“Well, soon you’ll be able to make sushi with no problem at all,” you winked, mimicking his actions and looking over the tools in front of you. “I think sushi is probably part of your approved diet, right?”

“In moderation,” he explained. “I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine for tonight. If I play like shit tomorrow, I’m telling Coach it was your fault.”

You giggled, cheeks heating when he bumped his hip against yours playfully. Tyson smiled at you, warmth in his face and in his eyes and you nearly swooned at the sight, if not for the instructor calling the class to attention.

Two hours later, you emerged from the class with a full belly and a full heart. Naturally, it wasn’t the easiest class to take on a first date, but you found joy in his sweet and self-deprecating jokes, appreciating that he wasn’t afraid to laugh at himself and his atrocious sushi-rolling.

You were extra thankful that the instructor allowed for plenty of time for individual conversation once she explained the next steps, leaving you to spend more time talking with the handsome man standing beside you. He was kind, funny, and way more down-to-earth than you were expecting, finding almost an alarming amount of things in common.

When he dropped you off, he politely asked for permission before kissing you sweetly outside of your apartment door. Before you turned inside, you heard him ask, “Would you, uh, want to go to a family reunion with me this weekend?”

You turned to him, an inquisitive smile on your face, pleased that he must be feeling at least some of the connection that you did to invite you to meet his entire family on the second date.

Nervously, he shoved his hand in his pocket. “I know it’s uh, maybe not the usual next step so I’m sorry if I’m being way too forward here but I just — I really feel a connection with you, and also my aunt might drive me nuts if I don’t bring someone this time so um —”

“Tyson, I’d love to.”

He paused mid-sentence to look up at you. “Really?”

You giggled again with a nod. “It sounds fun. And I’m sure I can charm your aunt like nobody’s business.”

“You must really like this girl,” Kacey comments, more to herself, but her voice pulls him out of his thoughts all the same. He hums, instead distracted by the buzz of his phone. It’s a text from you, a mirror selfie of yourself in the blue sundress you’ve selected for tomorrow. He can’t help the smile that curls at his lips or the butterflies that flutter in his chest, thinking to himself how beautiful you are.

“Oh, he’s down bad.”

“Shut up, Kace.”

“Can’t wait to meet my future sister-in-law.”

#c’s 500 follower celly #tyson jost blurb #tyson jost imagine #tyson jost fic #hockey fic #nhl imagine

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bitchesgetriches · 2 years

Text

How to Make Any Financial Decision, No Matter How Tough, with Maximum Swag

Step 1: Determine your priorities

For so many decisions about money, there really is no right answer, just different means to the same end. So it really does depend on a lot of factors, one of which is your life priorities.

This is because personal finance is (try to contain your shock) personal.

You can read advice all day about how renting is a waste of money and you’re much better off buying property. And that advice is right for some… but it might not be right for you.

If your priority is to travel often and live a minimalist lifestyle, and you couldn’t give two shits about things like feng shui and marble countertops… then maybe renting is for you, and damn the math!

What’s a priority?

Your priorities are the principles, people, activities, and lifestyles you hold most dear.

For example, environmentalism is a priority for me. It drives a lot of my decisions, even when that means I might spend more time or money on something in an effort to be more environmentally friendly. Sometimes, the more environmentalist choice is the more frugal choice. And sometimes, environmentalism saves me money but costs me time. I have to weigh my environmentalist priority when making consumer decisions.

Likewise, your priority might be to travel the world, spend as much time as possible with your loved ones, or dedicate your life to winning the Leadville 100. It’s something that matters to you that everyone else might not give a fuck about.

Let your priorities guide you

Once you determine your priorities, they should be at the forefront of every major financial decision you make.

If your priority is to spend time with your family, you might turn down an extremely lucrative job offer in another state. Doesn’t make mathematical sense! But it’s your priority, and you know you’d be miserable were you to ignore it to blindly follow career advancement.

Others might not understand your dedication to your priorities. They might find your priorities ludicrous and your decisions batshit. That’s ok! Your financial decisions don’t have anything to do with anyone else.

Step 2: Set your goals

Once you’ve determined your priorities, you need to set goals that align with those priorities.

What’s a goal?

A priority is what’s important to you in life—your values, what you care about, what makes you feel happy and fulfilled. A goal is a concrete milestone that measures where you are in relationship to where you want to end up. Often your goals are informed by your priorities.

Other examples of financial goals: pay off student loan debt within five years, own a home within the next ten years, increase your income by 20% over the next two years, get rid of credit card debt by the end of the year, finally start that pet grooming business where you cut and color poodles so they look like little dragons by 2023.

What every good goal has in common

Eagle-eyed readers will notice something about the examples above: they’re all specific, measurable, and time-based.

“Maybe own a home some day” is not a good goal. It’s too vague! That vagueness gives you permission to put your goal on the back burner and work on other things instead.

Having an achievable, specific goal to work toward should inform your financial decisions. Every big money choice you make should come back to the question, “How does this help me achieve my next goal?”

Step 3: Do the math

There’s a reason the mathiness comes last. It’s because it’s the easiest and often least important part of the equation.

We’re a personal finance blog. And we put a whole lot of emphasis on the “personal.” And while I’m not suggesting the personal should always trump the financial when making money decisions, it definitely should take precedence a lot of the time!

Now that you’ve determined your priorities and set your goals, it’s time to get mathy with it!

Return on investment

The math on a financial decision often comes back to determining which of your options provides you the best return on investment. Which sounds like a much scarier, more sophisticated monetary concept than it actually is.

“Return on investment” (ROI) simply means what you get for the effort you put in. Working for an hour and getting paid $7.25 is a low return on investment compared to working for an hour and getting paid $15. (WHOOPS! There we go inserting our liberal, commie, pro-union agenda into the discussion again! #FightFor15.)

Not every ROI calculation will be as clear as comparing time in and money out. If you’re determining whether to keep renting or buy a home, you’re going to compare the ROI of a lot of factors. A large down payment vs. a comparatively small security deposit. Eventually owning an expensive asset vs. paying periodically increasing rent checks every month forever. Arranging and paying for repairs yourself vs. passing that labor and cost on to your landlord.

If your goal is to pay off multiple debts, you’ll need to figure the ROI on which of your debts to start with. Is it the one with the highest balance? The lowest balance? Or the one with the highest interest rate? The lowest interet rate? The nice thing about this kind of ROI math is that there are clear answers for which option will save you the most money over the long haul, and which option will work fastest.

What if there is no right answer?

Make no mistake: “do the math” does not mean “figure out the thing that will save you the most money and do that thing.” Because again—saving the most money might not align with your priorities and goals!

If your goal is to pay off your debt as soon as possible, then you might choose to rent instead of saving up a down payment to purchase a home. Even if renting is more expensive in the long term! But your goal is to crush that debt beneath your stylish yet affordable heels. So you throw all your available cash at your debts, mathematical ROI be damned.

This is why the math comes last.

- How to Make Any Financial Decision, No Matter How Tough, with Maximum Swag

#personal finance #saving #debt #student loans #buying a house

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shipsgaysfordays · 1 year

Text

Uncertainty Meeting

So, this is chapter 2 of my fic but in Sirius’ POV, honestly I hadn’t remembered some of the batshit crazy things I had written until I was copying them into this chapter and like damn it’s insane

Does include the uncertainty prompt from @wolfstarmicrofic

CW: graphic depiction of violence

Links to other chapters here

Reminder that Remus’ pronouns for this fic are they/them, Sirius’ are ze/zis/zer/zhe/zeir/zey

Also fuck JKR and the rhetoric that she spouts that’s transphobic, homophobic, racist, antisemetic, and if I’m forgetting anything else then I’m deeply sorry

“We need to meet. I need to tell you something, the time is finally right. Meet at our old hang out spot , the one you always hated, I’m sorry but it’s the only one I could trust going to. I’ll wait as long as you need.”

Sirius left the note on the sidewalk, hoping that somehow Remus would find it, they always seem to be on the lookout so they probably would…right?

Happy that soon zey would finally see zis love again, but still terrified for what would come next, zey trekked back to where it all started. Trains, buses, hikes, all the way to that grungy shack that felt more like home to Sirius than Grimmauld ever did.

Despite how much simpler things would be to meet up at Mary’s apartment, there was still a fear about how Remus would feel finding out about all of this in Mary’s home, especially with them finding out about Mary and Sirius communicating. They already had trust issues, this would probably destroy any trust left if it isn’t handled correctly.

And so Sirius waited, going through the plan over and over again with James and Lily. Redoing the silencing spell every once in a while just in case.

“I go down there first and speak with Moony, then once they seem to have calmed down some–you guys come down. Don’t, and I repeat: do NOT come down these stairs unless the man seems at least partially calm. This is an insane situation and I’d rather not terrify Moony.”

“Yes, yes, we heard you the first 10 times,” James nodded.

“Where did that impulsive little annoying loud kid go?” Lily questioned.

“You married him,” Sirius quipped.

“I think my wife is referring to you, Sirius.”

Zer eyes glazed over for a moment, thinking about where they did go, cold metal bars, shrieking from all around the tower, never being quite aware when zey were the one yelling. This is about Remus, they remembered.

“I-I just want to do it right for Remus…”

“Yes, we know, give the man some space and some time to come to terms with the truth before bombarding them with it,” James said, the plan was somehow so simple to him by this point.

They spent some time laying around and waiting.

“We should have brought cards.”

“Are we even sure they’re coming?”

“Maybe we could finally talk about the other situation–” James started.

All thoughts and conversation was stopped by the sound of the door creaking and stomping shoes on the wood floorboards. The couple turned to face Sirius.

“Well…I’ve got to….”

“Good luck Sirius,” Lily patted zem on the shoulder.

James’ arms wrapped tightly around Sirius, “We’ll finally have our Moony back.”

Sirius shook, stepping down, trying not to go too fast or too slow, trying not to fall down the steps. Until making it to the bottom floor. Remus was examining the wood, their back turned on the other side of the room, staring at the spot where years ago Padfoot had watched them transform for the first time.

“Remus…” Sirius started to say.

They spun around to face Sirius, swiftly pulling out a knife and pointing it at the other man.

What. The. Fuck. Unsure of what else to do, Sirius shot zeir hands empty hands into the air, hoping that might make a difference in whatever might happen next.

“I don’t mean to cause trouble,” ze spat out, trying to sound calm as the love of zeir life is threatening to kill them with a knife because of the deaths of two people who are entirely alive and upstairs.

“Of course you don’t, you never do, you lying bastard,”as Remus spoke memories of past mistakes filled zer mind, of the prank, of thinking Remus was the spy, of all the thoughts zis head tried to believe and tried to swat away like an annoying fly while in Azkaban, all the you killed them, it’s your fault you’re hear, it’s your fault Remus is alone, all of it swirled like the worst brewed potion made by an idiot or possibly evil first year at Hogwarts.

Sirius’ eyes were the size of two moons, not a great comparison since that’s also something that brings Remus blinding hot rage. They were closer than the minute before, as Sirius’ mind came back to right here and now, they were moving forward.

“I just…I-I need to tell you something, but I don’t know how.”

“What, you’re gonna tell me you love me, beg for me to come back to you like we’re 16 again, like things are that simple again,” Remus backed zem into the wall, holding the knife to their neck, why is this hot, why the hell is this hot, this should not be making me blush, this man is ABOUT TO TRY TO MURDER ME…I’m such a dog, but then it started to hit zem, is Remus really going to....

“James and Lily are dead, and you’re barely even you anymore. Padfoot is gone and dead, Lord Black just needs to join them.” As Remus spoke tears began to appear in Sirius’ eyes, this is what they really think of me? Ze questioned, but no, Mary’s told Sirius well enough that Remus isn’t okay, this isn’t the man who loves me…right? They wouldn’t call me…they wouldn’t call me Lord Black, not as anything other than a stupid joke.

Are they really about to–Sirius stared, the blade next to zis neck…is this it? I should have had my wand, I should have explained better, I should–

Sirius glanced up for a moment, and then stared, right behind Remus there he was: James Potter in all his savior complex glory, pointing his shaking wand out. Lily next to him, trembling. Sirius’ eyes met James as zey felt liquid begin to sprinkle down zeir neck, like small rain before a storm. Despite the fear, still meeting James’ eye, zey almost screamed, “no–”

“Yes,” Remus said in response, moving even closer than before.

At the same time, James spoke, “Accio knife.”

Small droplets of blood began to trickle down his neck, Remus’ fingers brushing it. Sirius’ heart raced, Remus’ eyes never leaving zem. Staring for an eternity.

“I–I don’t know what to do…don’t leave,” Remus begged as they started holding onto Sirius, Sirius didn’t know what to do other than hug them back. How did it get to this? How did we get here? Zhe thought as ze stared at James, trying to hold back zeir tears.

“Please, let me explain.”

It took a while for them to respond, until finally there was a quiet, “okay.”

I didn’t think this far…why couldn’t Mary be here? She could say it so much better.

Sirius took a breath before saying, “I was falsely imprisoned, for a crime I didn’t commit.”

“Why should I believe you?” Because it’s me, because it’s me and you, the stars and moon, Sirius and Remus, the galaxy. Because I love you…and somewhere you have to love me again too, please.

But Sirius knew zey shouldn’t and couldn’t plead to Remus’ emotions, not now, not after, “Just, let me continue…I didn’t commit the crime, no one did.”

“You expect me to believe the Potter’s killed themselves and their child.”

Sirius was about to respond, ze really was, zeir mouth opened and ready to say they didn’t really die, but they saw a few feet away, Lily. No no no, no Lily, they’re NOT READY!

“No, because we never died,” Lily’s voice rang, Merlin Lily……WHY, I guess I couldn’t have said it better.

Remus broke apart from Sirius and turned to stare at the Potters, until their eyes darted back to Sirius, “What are you doing to my brain?” It’s too soon for them, it’s too much.

“What do you mean, Moony?” Lily spoke softly.

“None of this is real, IT CAN’T BE REAL, I–” they breathed heavily, “this isn’t real, I’m alone surrounded by ghosts by thoughts by everything fucked up in MY MIND.” Remus’ hands ran manically through their hair. Sirius wanted to reach out, to ground them, to help them realize this was real, but then there was the part of zem that was still in shock. The part of them that had blood running down their neck. The part of zem that was honestly terrified of the person next to zem.

“Moony, we’re back, please,” James touched their arm. Immediately Remus backed away, quickly into the corner of the room.

“No…no, no no no,” Remus shook their head, “no, it can’t be real. I’m alone. I’m alone , I’m sorry I couldn’t fix this before and make things right but you don’t need to….my mind doesn’t need to lie to me.” They fell to the floor, their eyes wide as they trembled.

“Remus, look at me,” Lily spoke softly, starting to crouch next to them. “Look at me,” she spoke sternly this time.

James moved next to Sirius, both the men hoping that if they couldn’t help Remus then Lily would be able to. Sirius struggled trying to rip a piece of cloth from zis shirt, ze couldn’t focus on it, couldn’t bring zis eyes away from Remus.

“Look at me,” James whispered, “Just look at me, I know it’s hard, I know it's scary and you want to stare at Moony because you always do, but just look at me for a second.”

Sirius nodded as James helped rip the clothes and apply pressure to the wound. “Hey, we’ve done this before, we’re okay, everything will be alright,” James spoke again.

Sirius heard Lily speaking to Remus from across the room, “I need you to take a deep breath for me, I know it’s a lot, but it’s real.”

“Lily I–” James turned to face his wife, so of course Sirius let zer eyes wander back to Remus, breathing like a madman, pulling away from their best mate in a far less friendly game of tug of war, Lily had always had a strong grip so the “game” went on for eternity.

“GET AWAY FROM ME,” Remus screamed, breaking their hands free and pushing Lily away.

Moony looked back to Sirius, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry,” they wailed as they ran out the door, into the night.

Can I forgive them? That was the only thought in zeir head as ze stared at the door, holding a bloodstained cloth, an uncertainty with how the hell to move forward.

#wolfstar #wolfstar fic #wolfstar fanfiction #sad wolfstar #marauders angst #cw blood #remus and sirius #siriusblack #RemusLupin #jamespotter #lilyevans #the marauders #marauders era #the marauders era #marauders fic #remus' descent into madness

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