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miikrokkosmos · 4 years

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A Long Work Day: Namjoon x Reader

wc: 1.5 k

genre: fluff, college!joon, librarian!reader

a request from me, to me. just some fun hcs relevant to my life rn.

a/n: hello friends. back on my namjoon bs. (jk I never got off it I was just absent im sorry). anyway this is largely self-indulgent considering I just recently started grad school on top of a new full time job and am lonely and DEAD, but if anyone else out there enjoys this too I would be endlessly happy! feel free to send in requests for any member!

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· Working full time was on top of your homework was draining, to say the least

· Maybe more than ever you were grateful to have Joon in your life for the support and encouragement and much-needed warmth he brought into your life. Especially after long days of working at the big library you were staffed at full of rowdy students that had to be shushed and more than one person who would fight you on overdue book fees and the like

· Needless to say you spent any downtime at work dreaming about when you’d close for the night and get to go home to your love (ew cheesy but true)

· Or even better were the rare occasions he’d have time between his own work or class schedule to drop by to surprise you with your favourite warm drink or, just as healing, your favourite warm smile

· Today was one of those days you were just longing to be home with him the most. But he unfortunately would not be getting home until after you today, as it was his evening class day

· You were having terrible cramps, it was storming out and you had gotten completely soaked on the way in, leaving you cold all throughout your shift, and to top it all off, your least favourite grouchy male supervisor was leading today

· To top it all off, you couldn’t stop stressing about how behind you were getting in homework

· When you had about an hour left to your shift, thinking you weren’t gonna make it, the most beautiful sight you’ve ever seen walked into the library, aka the kim namjoon walking in in all of his oversized, cuddly cardigan glory, umbrella in one hand and starbucks in the other

· “I thought you had class tonight??” you asked, taking your favourite warm drink from his hands with almost tearful gratitude

· “it got canceled. And I know you weren’t feeling your best even before you started your long shift today, so I figured maybe a little pick-me-up was in order”

· “are you referring to yourself as the pick-me-up, or the coffee?” you joked, trying to hide the fact you were almost crying at work bc you were so happy to see your boyfriend and the fact that his first instinct when he got some much-deserved free time was to visit you Lwith your favourite coffee Lin a storm halfway through the night L((((

· those dimples

· truly something to never, ever get tired of

· “I’ll let you be the judge of that one, honey”

· you beamed up at him for maybe a second too long for his heart to handle, causing him to lean down to peck your lips only for your supervisor to loudly clear his throat behind you the second your lips made contact

· you didn’t bother to look back at your boss, knowing you’d only be met with judging eyes and possibly a lecture you were not emotionally or physically prepared to deal with right now

· “no PDA at work rule, remember?” you sweetly say to namjoon, hoping he’ll understand you don’t want to get in trouble with your supervisor tonight of all times

· he innocently smiles back at you, his pupils dilating a little more only as he leans in to your ear to quickly whisper that “we’ll just have to make up for the lost time later” before pulling away again

· he decided to do his homework at a desk nearby for your last hour. Needless to say you did more “people watching” than anything until your shift was over

· a little over an hour later and you could swear you’ve never been happier to get home

· namjoon offers to reheat the leftover fried rice you made the day before while you go get washed up and got your laundry and such ready for your morning shift the next day ://

· you still have a chill from being wet all day so when you come out in your pajama set, still shivering, joon immediately takes his cardigan off and drapes it over you which you are very very okay with

· most days, if your schedules lined up to have supper together you’d talk about the events of the day, but sometimes one or both of you was just a little too tired. Or a little too down. To discuss it all. And there was an unspoken agreement between you two to never push the other if they weren’t ready or up to discussing it all

· that was you today

· you were both good at just being a presence and silent encouragement to the other when need be

· that was namjoon for you tonight

· offering you bites of his food if he noticed you slowing in taking your own bites

· gently massaging your scalp with his free hand while you ate in comfortable silence together

· eventually you missed his voice and wanted to hear it even if you didn’t have much to conversationally offer at the moment

· “it was a long day, joon”

· his eyes opened slightly more at you with both sympathy and love

· seeing youre done eating, he moves your chair closer with one hand so he can bring your body into his side and wrap an arm around you, encouraging you to rest your head under his chin. Which you happily oblige

· “I know, baby.”

· “I don’t want to use extra energy to go through it all right now. It was just rough. You made it a lot better though.”

· You could feel him smile at that last part. Oof your heart

· “and I don’t need you to. I’m sorry it was rough. But that’s okay, you know? There’ll be a lot of better day. And probably a few worse ones. But I’ll be here through them all. And I know you’re more than capable to handle any kind of day thrown at you.”

· You smush your cheek up against his bicep cradling you, playing with the rings on his fingers. Wow his hands were so much bigger than yours. Something else you never really get tired of thinking about. His big, strong, protective hands. Anyway –

· “thanks for the coffee, joon”

· “you don’t need to thank me for –“

· “and…everything else. Thanks for being the best part of my life.”

· It was his turn now to lean down over your shoulder and hide his face in the crook of your neck

· “I’ve got a lot of love to give you, baby girl.”

· You turned around in his grasp to look him in the eye, straddling him on the uncomfortable dining room chair

· “I know you do. And I, you, my love.”

· You leaned up to sweetly and gently kiss his lips, thankfully for much longer than he managed to slip through in the library earlier

· A minute or so later you patted his cheek

· “as much as I love spending every minute possible with you, I am crampy and tired and have an opening shift in the morning, unfortunately”

· he helps you up by holding your waist as he stands

· “I’ll go get painkillers and a hot water bottle”

· you edge forward to wrap him in a tight hug, your head on his chest

· without saying anything you walk off to the bathroom to get ready for bed, leaving him to chuckle at you as he finds your hot water bottle, hoping he can blame the redness on his cheeks from the steam of the hot tap water filling the room

· he doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to your cuteness but he’s very very okay with that

· you climbed into the extra cozy comforter and sheets, willing to stay awake until your joon was able to join you

· moments later he appeared in the doorway, gently laying the water bottle on your lower abdomen and bringing the covers up to your chin for you

· after cleaning himself up he effortlessly threw his shirt off and changed into gym shorts before climbing under the covers and cuddling up to your side, careful to not jostle you or the water bottle pressed against you

· you gently reached over and began stroking the back of his head, leaning down to place a quiet kiss on his forehead

· “thank you for taking care of me, joon” you squeaked out, barely above a whisper

· he took your free hand (please don’t ever stop playing with his hair omg) and brought it to his lips, leaving a gentle kiss to it

· “thank you for being the best part of MY life, baby girl. Now get some sleep. I’ll make you coffee in the morning.”

· You eventually wrapped up in each other in a way that was comfortable enough while keeping the hot water bottle in place and woke up still in each other’s arms, and you were both very, very, very okay with that

#namjoon x reader #bts fluff #bts headcanons #college joon #bts fic #my stuff #ive forgotten my writing tags gah #lemme know any thoughts on this!!!!#love u all #really #thanks for your patience life's been crazy lately #and not in the best way

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the-awkward-outlaw · 4 years

Note

Arthur denying his feelings for reader be like: plays Hercules (1997) - I Wont Say Im In Love

Anon, this one turned out so cute and fluffy, I’m literally on the verge of death!

Masterlist

Read on AO3

Arthur’s leaning against a tree at the edge of Clemens Point, feeling like a lovestruck idiot. He’s been watching you for longer than he cares to admit. Despite being the newest member of the gang, you’ve continuously surprised him over the past few weeks. It was the obvious stuff at first, the way you wore your hair, the way you talked to people (especially him), how you treated your horse. Now it’s the small things he’s taken notice of. How you brush the hair from your face, how you like to watch the sunrise while drinking your morning coffee.

He rubs his hand down his face, knowing he shouldn’t get involved with you. He’s a fool for falling for you in the first place. Not that there’s anything wrong with you, he thinks, but no one would want his affections. Besides, he’s had too many bad experiences with romantic relationships that it’s just easier to be alone. He’s still heartbroken about how things ended between him and Mary, and thoughts of Eliza and Isaac still torment him. The last thing he wants is to add you to his list.

He crosses his arms, still leaning against the tree and watching you walk across the camp to go and feed the chickens. He watches them gather around your feet, pecking at the grass for the food you’re tossing down. He’s almost tempted to join your side, to look for any excuse to talk to you. You’ve become close friends after all, talking comes easy. But he’s decided to try and push you away, he can’t risk falling for you. Or at least falling for you more than he already has.

“Hey ol’ man, grumpy Morgan!” Sean chuckles, coming towards him. He’s clearly on guard duty, the repeater in his hands.

“What you want, boy?” Arthur says, clearing his throat and looking towards the lake, trying to look innocent.

“Nothin’. Just wonderin’ when you’s gonna ask that girl out. Y’know, Karen was tellin’ me the other day how Y/N fancies you. It ain’t a secret you fancy her too. Why not just do everyone a favor, take her out?”

“You don’t know what you’re talkin’ about,” Arthur growls. “It ain’t like that between us.”

“Oh I can see it all over your face, Morgan. You. Love. Her.”

“You’re the world’s biggest fool, Sean. If you know what’s best for ya, you’ll shut your mouth.”

“I knew it, I knew it!” Sean laughs. “Yer the most predictable person. Whenever someone says somethin’ about you that’s true, ya get all defensive and angry. Just do yerself a favor, take that girl out on the town. Hey, if ya need an excuse, I overheard her sayin’ she’s been missin’ the ‘forests of West Elizabeth’.” He makes air quotes.

Before Arthur can snap at him again, he walks away, chuckling lightly. Arthur sighs and leans further against the tree. Sean’s definitely given him something to think about. The forests of West Elizabeth, he repeats silently. What exactly does that mean? He knows you come from out west and that you prefer it out there, much like himself. He’s never heard you talk about forests or anything like that.

Against his better judgment, Arthur comes up with a plan and decides to bring it to you. Besides, he’d be lying if he didn’t want a reason to take you out somewhere alone. Not to try anything, of course, but he enjoys your company. There’s something about you that he finds addictive.

He walks slowly up to you, wringing his hands a bit. He’s nervous that you’ll see right through him. When he gets close to you, still feeding the chickens, he notices something’s wrong. It’s your energy, you just seem down. Your shoulders sag, as though a weight presses down on you. He clears his throat, catching your attention.

“You a’right?” he asks quietly.

Your head snaps up and you look at him. Instantly, the sadness from your face flickers and is replaced by your soft smile. He can tell you’re faking it though.

“Oh hi, Mr. Morgan. Yeah, I’m doing just fine. How are you?”

“Just dandy. Hey listen, I was plannin’ on goin’ out huntin’, figured I could use a partner. You wanna come?”

You pause for a moment. Arthur wants to take you hunting? Why? Sure, you’re familiar enough with a bow and a gun to use them, though the results aren’t always perfect. Maybe word’s gotten around camp that you were crying last night. You were just overwhelmed by everything and had to let it out. The mood still lingers. Arthur must be inviting you because he feels obligated to cheer you up. It doesn’t help you to feel better. It makes you feel like an even bigger burden since Arthur’s constantly bigger running jobs. Still, you have a hard time finding a reason to say no to him.

“Sure, I’ll go hunting. I, uh, hope you don’t mind dragging me along.”

Your choice of words catches him off guard. He’d heard nothing about you breaking down the night before but the dimness of your eyes and your words tells him how bad your state is.

“Don’t mind at all. Would you wanna go now?”

You look over at the setting sun. It’s nearly gone by this point.

“Now?” you ask. “Wouldn’t it be better to go in the morning when it’s light?”

He huffs a bit. “Well I suppose, if that’s what you want. Course I don’t mind spendin’ a night under the stars. But sure, we’ll leave in the morning.”

You feel stupid all of a sudden. You’ve spent plenty of nights in the open, away from camp. It’s just harder to hunt at night. “Mr. Morgan, wait. Wait. I… Yes, we can leave now. I don’t know why I was being stupid.”

He turns back around at your words. He smiles a bit. “Okay. I’ll uh meet ya by the horses. Five minutes?”

You nod and finish feeding the chickens. You try clearing your head, especially the nasty thoughts swirling around. You don’t want to seem like a self-pitying fool around Arthur. You’ve been low-key flirting with him the past couple of weeks and he’s noticeably pulled away from you since. You didn’t want to give him another reason to run away.

After gathering your things, you meet him by the horses and mount up. The two of you head out at a brisk trot. Arthur starts leading you north along the borders of Flat Iron Lake. You want to ask him where he’s thinking of hunting, but your current mood forces you to keep quiet. No one would want to hear you talk anyways. You start questioning why he even wanted to bring you out in the first place. The only thing you can come up with is that it’s because he’s a good man and he heard you were in need of a friendly face. It makes you feel like even more of a burden.

On the northern side of Scarlett Meadows, Arthur pulls to a stop. The sun has set properly now and given way to a nearly full moon. He dismounts and the two of you set up camp. As you sit around the fire, waiting for your meat to finish cooking, he can tell by your eyes that you’re far away. He doubts you’re in a good place. It makes him want to put his arms around you and tell you all the things he feels about you, but he made a promise. He can’t tell you.

“You uh want the tent tonight?” he asks. “I can sleep out here tonight.”

“No, Mr. Morgan. It’s your tent, you should sleep in it.”

He huffs and smiles a bit. “Ya can call me Arthur, miss. Ain’t exactly like we’re strangers.”

You smile a bit. “Right, sorry.”

He pulls the meat off the fire and gives you some to eat. When you’re done, he sits next to you. He feels like you just need a friend to help you out, yet he isn’t sure how to do it without admitting he’s got feelings for you. You yawn heavily.

“You should get some sleep. I’ll stay up a bit, not quite tired yet.”

Instead of agreeing and getting up to lie in your bedroll, you lean over and put your head on his shoulder. He stiffens up a bit at your touch but it’s such a welcome feeling, he can’t pull away. He realizes now that you, like everyone else in camp, have just been overworked and underappreciated in camp. This will be the best medicine for you, getting you away and just taking a break. He wonders again about the phrase “forests of West Elizabeth”. As he’s pondering, he’s also fighting with himself. Nothing would give him more pleasure than to wrap his arm around you or pull you in his lap and hold you against him and watch you sleep. He won’t do that though. He can’t do it.

As he’s arguing with himself, he hears the softest snore come from you. He smiles when he realizes you’ve passed out on his shoulder. He gently picks you up and places you into hsi bedroll in the tent. He covers you with his blanket and then he sits back down by the fire. He smiles a little as he thinks about what could be between you if he were dumb enough to take that chance.

***********************************************

In the morning, he notices you seem a little happier, a little more like yourself. Like you’ve finally been able to relax a bit and get a good sleep for the first time in days. You talk a bit more, yet he can tell you’re choosing your words carefully, which is unlike you. One of the things he admires about you is that you say what you think, even if it’s brutal. He knows he can trust what you say.

You expect him to take you somewhere like the outskirts of Emerald Ranch where game is plentiful. Instead, he keeps leading you west, across the wide mouth of the Dakota River and into West Elizabeth. Seeing the tall pines and green grasses lifts your spirits greatly and you feel like you can take your first proper breath in weeks.

Arthur can see the visible change in you, how your eyes begin to light up again. You smile more easily and start talking more. He notices you even make some of your light jokes. He’s always liked your jokes, cheesy as some of them are. You’ve got a natural sense of humor he finds endearing. He thinks to take you to Big Valley, but something tells him it’s not enough. He needs to take a bigger risk with you.

After arriving at Lake Owanjilla, he pauses. He knows where he wants to take you, but it’s incredibly dangerous. Not because the land but because of where it lies. He just hopes that no one will see the pair of you and if they do, they won’t connect the dots.

“Come on, we’re almost there,” he says and he kicks his horse into an easy trot. You follow him across the dam, down the trail and over the river. You wonder what he’s up to as you enter Tall Trees. You know the risks of going anywhere this close to Blackwater. Word is bounty hunters and Pinkertons have gathered here like flies to a rotting corpse. You want to tell him it’d be wiser to go back, but something tells you to not question him. That he knows what he’s doing.

After a while longer, Arthur slows his horse down. You’re in the thick of Tall Trees, the pines growing high above your heads. The world has turned from green to red with speckles of blue and purple. You’ve always loved Tall Trees, the tall red pines and the green ferns growing between them. The smell is indescribable, addictive. Somewhere hidden in the trees, a squirrel begins to bark.

Arthur looks back at you and grins. You don’t see him as you’re busy gazing at the trees. He can tell that this was exactly what you needed, despite the obvious dangers. He keeps leading you down the trail until the trees break and give way to a small lake nestled in the bowl of the mountains. This is where he finally stops and dismounts. You do as well, though you’re still staring around like a complete moron. You finally turn to him and give him a genuine smile, which makes his knees feel weak.

“Arthur, this is beautiful. But… what are we doing here?”

He shrugs his shoulders. “Just seemed like this would be a good place to come and… fish.”

“Fish?” you giggle. “You came here to fish?”

“Sure, why not? Hear there’s a real nice bass livin’ in this lake. Figure if anyone’s gonna catch him, might as well be me.”

“Not if I catch him first!” you shoot and run towards the water. He calls to you and chases after you, the two of you laughing madly. You reach a broken pier first and pull out your rod. “Beat you, Arthur!”

“Oh trust me, sweetheart, runnin’ ain’t fishin’. We’ll see in the end who’s the real winner.”

The two of you cast out and slowly pull your lures back. With the sun beating down and the wind carrying the intoxicating smell of the forest, you couldn’t be happier. You can practically feel the black cloud that’s been hovering over you getting drawn out, like venom from a snake.

Arthur’s line gets tugged hard and he yanks back his pole, setting the hook. “Ooh I got somethin’.”

“Well pull it in, quick!”

You watch him fight with the fish and then he pulls out a beautifully colored bass. You laugh and pat his shoulder.

“He’s a beauty! Good catch, Arthur. Guess you won this round.”

He chuckles and wraps the fish up before putting it into his satchel. “Yeah, guess I did.”

For the next hour, the two of you fish a little more, bringing out multiple trout and bass. Then, just when you think the two of you might be able to get away with staying here for a long while, you hear, echoing across the water, voices. It sounds like a small group of men. Your heart drops at the thought of bounty hunters. There’s no doubt in your mind they might be scouring Tall Trees. It’s the perfect place for a gang to hide, after all.

“Think we’ve outstayed our welcome,” Arthur says and collapses his pole. You do the same and then you both swiftly remount your horses and run off from the lake, avoiding the path. Over the next half hour, you dodge between trees and carefully navigate around the steep drops of the mountain until you hit the trail right above Owanjilla. There, you make your way across the river and into safe lands again. Arthur leads you over to the north end of the lake where he finally dismounts.

“Well that was a fine outing, Mr. Morgan,” you say, patting your horse’s neck from the ground.

“Sure. Well, figure we can hunt here the next couple of days. Know there’s plenty of game in Big Valley.”

You nod and smile at him. “Yeah. But tell me: did you really take me there for a fish?”

He blushes a bit and hides his head beneath his hat. “Well… well no. I known the fish was there a long time, but I didn’t go for it. I just thought you could use the fresh air.”

This makes you laugh. “Arthur, I can get fresh air in plenty of places that have fewer risks.”

He blushes more. “I know. But… well, I won’t lie to ya. I figured the place could do you some good. Heard you were tellin’ Karen you missed it and you seemed down the last couple of days. Just thought I might be able to help.”

You smile at him, your eyes glittering. “Thank you, Arthur. You’ve no idea how much it helped.” You lean up and place a soft kiss to his cheek. He grins, his cheek burning. You look away and say you’re going to go and hunt. He lies by saying he’s going to try and fish a bit more.

When you’re out of sight, Arthur sits down on a boulder. “What is the matter with me? Ya think a miserable outlaw like myself would learn. Morgan, you have the world’s best record of bein’ the biggest fool.”

He sits there for some time, arguing with himself. He can’t love you, but he can’t help being in love. A voice in his head asks what’s the worst that could happen by just letting himself feel what he’s already feeling for you. He argues back by using Mary and Eliza as examples.

“But she isn’t Eliza or Mary,” the voice says. “She’s Y/N and in completely different circumstances than they were. She knows how to protect herself, she’s been robbed and shot at before and came out alive in all those situations.”

“No no no,” he says. “She’ll come to realize I’m a fool like Mary did. I’ll mess things up and she’ll hate me for it.”

“She already knows you’re a fool. She’s seen your crazy side, she knows how scary you can get. More than once, in fact, and she’s still around isn’t she? Mary saw that side one time and she ran off running. Y/N’s different. Never once has she asked you to change or to control yourself.”

“It’s a dumb move!” Arthur says. “I ain’t in love with her nor am I ever gonna be in love with her! She deserves someone better.”

The voice is a bit quieter this time. “It seems like it’s too late for her. You saw the way she looked at you in Tall Trees. She’s already got it for you.”

“Well, she’s a bigger fool than I thought for doin’ that.”

“No doubt. But if you leave her like this, she’s not going to wait around forever. She doesn’t deserve that either.”

Arthur sighs. He knows you don’t deserve him playing you the way he’s been lately. “Well fine,” he says to the voice in his head. “I love her. I love Y/N, but I ain’t sayin’ it out loud.”

********************************************

Night has fallen and you and Arthur are sat around the campfire again, nestled in Big Valley. You’re leaning your head against his shoulder once more like you did the night before. Arthur’s arguing with himself again. He knows he loves you but he’s still unsure if he should act on it. To act on it would be to admit it.

“Arthur?” you say, breaking him out of his thoughts.

“Hmm?”

“Thank you again for today. I… can I tell you something?”

“Of course.”

“I’ve been real sad lately. Don’t know why, but my brain keeps telling me I’m a burden on everyone, I’m merely tolerated. But going back to that lake helped me feel centered again. Like going home. I know that doesn’t make any sense.”

He smiles a bit. “No it makes perfect sense. And for the record: you ain’t a burden or tolerated. People in camp like you, darlin’. You should hear Jack tell his mama about your stories. Sounds like you been helpin’ Mary-Beth too. And you were the first person to get Karen to stop drinkin’ the other day. Can’t tell you how long we been tryin’ to help her quit.”

“Really?” you ask, looking up at him. “And… and what about you? I know you only took me out today because you heard I needed a pick-me-up.”

“No, no that ain’t the reason,” he says. “I didn’t know you needed help until we were away from camp. Like I said, you ain’t a burden. You work hard, I see that in camp. Work as hard as anyone else and eight times as much as Uncle.”

You giggle a bit.

“Point is, me and everyone else who counts sees how much you work in camp. We notice. I know we don’t voice our appreciations, especially ol’ Grimshaw, but it doesn’t mean we don’t see it.”

You surprise him by grabbing the hand on his knee and squeezing it lightly. He knows at this moment he can’t hold back any longer. He withdraws his hand and your heart sinks. You’ve crossed a line. You’re about to pull away from his shoulder until you feel him shifting himself and his hand winds over your hip. He pulls you into his lap and you settle your head on his chest.

Arthur’s heart pounds hard in your ears. He’s wanted to do this for so long with you, imagined doing this. He’s held women like this to him before so he knows what it feels like, but this is different. You’re different. You fit against him like a puzzle piece, perfectly molded to him. You’re warm and it feels so good the way you wrap your arms around him. He kisses your hairline and settles his chin to your forehead.

After a few moments, he feels you place a soft kiss to his chest. It makes him smile and he holds you tighter.

“Arthur?” you say, looking up at him.

“Hmm?”

“I think I love you,” you say quietly. He swallows heavily. “Well I hope so. Because… I know I love you.”

#rdr2 fanfic #red dead fanfic #arthur morgan #arthur morgan x female reader #awkward asks

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wincore · 5 years

Text

main actor | wong yukhei

pairing: yukhei x reader

words: 3.6k

genre: best friends to lovers!au, college!au, reader and yukhei are pretty much cat and dog, fluff

warnings: yukhei’s wildin, language

a/n: warmup-ish fic? guess i just wanted to see how many cheesy fanfiction tropes i can fit in. vaguely inspired by this

gif credit

There are times when merely existing feels too wearisome, and there are times when you can’t be happier to be alive.

Wong Yukhei makes you feel both of these emotions simultaneously.

If someone were to ask what Yukhei’s really like (and you’ve been asked that a lot by curious crowds who’ve only ever seen him smile from afar and deduced he can’t be that nice) you’d say he’s an idiot. He’s not stupid, but he’s an idiot. Yukhei is a bunch of contradictions, but he’s your best friend and you’ll reluctantly admit, probably the best thing that’s ever happened to you. (Under no circumstances would you be caught dead saying that to him, even though you’re sure he’d just respond with a bone-crushing hug, grinning from ear to ear.) Obviously, you’ve got a lot of mixed emotions involved here.

The first time you met Yukhei, you were four. He had skipped over to you from another corner of the room, with wide eyes and a soft toy puppy in hand.

“You’re pretty. Do you want to go on a date?” he asked with a wide smile.

“No,” you responded, your attention still on your toy train. You glanced at him once and that was it.

“Okay,” he said, still grinning. Rejection wasn’t that big of a deal to four-year-old Yukhei.

Instead of leaving, he sat down beside you and watched you play. Eventually, you started talking to him about your fantasy land of trains and he, about his imaginary life as a firefighter. And after a few days, you and Yukhei were inseparable.

It’s quite the story for him to tell people, even if you never understood why he likes talking about it so much. It wasn’t very dramatic, or memorable like all the first meetings in books. But it’s always been a unique ability of Yukhei’s to make things sound a little more interesting as he animatedly told everyone at school how you were a cold, dark victim trapped in your lonely bubble and how he, your shining hero, warmed you up. You just make a face every time he forcibly brings you into the conversation.

Unlike elementary school Yukhei, middle school Yukhei was a little meaner, rougher at the edges. He never had any harmful intentions (you wondered if he had any intentions at all) but you always seemed to land the shorter end of the stick when it came to his shenanigans. A rapidly growing boy, he had difficulty getting his limbs in order and more often than not, he’d underestimate his own strength. Whether it was shoving you too hard or the one time he accidentally broke your toy train, those years had quite the horrors you’ve faced in life.

You’re lucky to have survived near him during his awkward teenage phase, full of hormones and messy feelings and Axe body spray. Yukhei’s never been good at telling people no and combined with adolescent curiosity, he’s been in quite a few choppy relationships.

But in the end, Yukhei still has the colour of a comic book hero. He’s always been the main actor of every play, whereas you doubt you’d get the role of villager C. Star athlete and the pride of your school, he’s never wasted an opportunity to enjoy the attention. You, on the other hand, prefer a little alone time. You’re different, immensely different, but you admire him for all that he is. He’s strong in a way you can’t quite describe, only appreciate in subtle ways. You’ve seen Yukhei grow from a boy who refused to admit he wasn’t happy, that he’s not always the smiling hero, to a man who learned to respect all emotions. He still hates to cry, sure, but he doesn’t do it in shadows anymore, pretending to be strong.

dumbass, 01:06 AM

[Attachment: 1 Image]

you, 01:07 AM

wtf yukhei

you, 01:07 AM

why are you awake

dumbass, 01:07 AM

i cant stop :(

dumbass, 01:08 AM

i think im addicted

you, 1:08 AM

to puppy pictures??????

you, 1:08 AM

you know what im not even gonna ask

you, 1:08 AM

go the fuck to sleep you big baby

dumbass, 01:10 AM

but look :(

dumbass, 01:10 AM

[Attachment: 26 Images]

you, 01:11 AM

tf im not looking at all of that

dumbass, 01:11 AM

:(((

dumbass, 01:11 AM

:( but :( puppies :(

you, 01:12 AM

good night dork

Yukhei’s a whirlwind of life, bringing energy wherever he goes. That’s the first thing anyone notices about him. The way his face stands out in almost any crowd, and not because he’s built like a giant teddy bear. The way he can find friends in almost anyone, and all he has to do is flash that grin.

Growing up, everyone could tell he’s a little off-beat, but it only made people want to be near him. The more he stood out, the more he fit in. It’s no wonder you see hordes of people around him, smiling back at his own friendly, dorky gestures.

“You get a walk-in closet and I don’t even get a washing machine?!” Yukhei complains, plopping down on your bed.

You’re certainly lucky to get the biggest dorm room, even if the closet occupies half of it. Now, if your roommate wasn’t such a dick, the beginning of your college life would be perfect.

“Wha- how are those two related?” you ask, leaning back on the wall as you sit beside him.

“I have to go all the way downstairs to wash my clothes,” he replies, “Henceforth, I am upset.”

“When did you learn such big words, Yukhei?” you tease.

“I’m not stupid,” he defends, “Surprising, I know. Considering I got my hand stuck in a Pringles can last week. Again.”

You laugh as he shoots you a grin and sits up, tugging up his red jacket on his shoulder.

“At least you like your roommate,” you grumble, before lowering your voice. “I don’t know which supernatural being up there I crossed to get mine.”

Yukhei laughs. “It can’t be that bad!”

You roll your eyes and smack the back of your head against the wall. Of course, he wouldn’t get it. Yukhei gets along with just about anyone.

“So, we’re starting college, huh?” he shifts to sit beside you.

“We really are,” you breathe.

And so when college began, you couldn’t even feel homesick because Yukhei brought home with him.

College somehow manages to amplify Yukhei’s tendencies to fuck shit up. Bad decisions and good intentions—whether it’s getting drunk at parties, or getting a secret tattoo, or going for midnight drives in the brightest part of the city, he certainly is living his life to the fullest. And he gets new friends to do that with—boys with similar interests and trouble in their presence (except Mark, he’s the sweetest and is only dragged to places like you are). Kunhang is a babbling mess when it comes to drinking, Dejun has strange food choices and Jungwoo isn’t as naïve as he looks (but that’s on you, you could never blame Jungwoo for anything). Mark might just be the sanest, and even he has his quirks. You’re glad, though, for Yukhei to have found them and for them to have found Yukhei.

Despite all changes in Yukhei’s expenditure of time, he still finds a way to sneak into your spare moments.

“Tell me that story you were talking about,” he says, falling backwards onto your bed.

“Now?” you ask, still groggy after waking up from your unforeseen nap. Finals are not treating you well.

“Yeah,” he says, “You look like you could do with a break.”

Of course, there are times when you hate Yukhei. Times when he’s reckless, pulls you into messes you know you can’t sort, times when you just feel so fucking annoyed by your best friend.

“You did what?!” you yell.

“It’s not that bad!” Yukhei explains, waving his arms around wildly.

“I am not going on a date with a stranger!” you yell, your voice coarser than usual as you search for something to fling at him.

“It could be fun!” he replies, ducking to avoid the slipper you threw at him. “You could be meeting the love of your life—all thanks to me!”

You throw the other slipper at him, and he narrowly dodges it. “No way is that happening.”

It’s not like it took you that long to realize your feelings, after the beginning of college. It happened slowly at first, barely a meandering stream of water, till the waves suddenly came crashing and you were drowning in your epiphany. Suddenly, you can’t not think of Yukhei’s large hand over yours or his bashful smile directed at you or even the way his lips look plump and kissable in the morning, despite the rest of his face all puffed up. There’s often stardust on his cheeks, you notice.

Suddenly, you know why Yukhei has always been the main actor in your life.

But you can’t be as open about it. If it’s not the idea of your longest and closest friendship falling apart that blows up your fears, it’s the image of Yukhei’s smile falling as he tries to tell his best friend no, and having to pretend everything’s okay. If the void in your stomach is good for anything, it knows when to tell you the jump is too difficult to take.

If anything, you don’t even know what you mean to Yukhei, but that’s coming from the negativity you hoarded. You have your fears and your questions. If you cross his mind as often as he crosses yours. If you take even a square inch of his heart, if he’ll ever see you that way. You’re not sure what it’d feel like to be the most important person to someone. If you go as far as to call this love, why are you so reluctant?

“And?” you egg him on, crossing your arms.

Yukhei going to frat parties was a horrible decision, really.

“I got drunk and started doing body rolls in front of everyone?” Yukhei shifts uncomfortably on your bed. He’s probably spent at least half of his days here in your dorm room, only leaving when your roommate started complaining about how loud he is. To be fair, he does sound like baby Godzilla at times, worse when more of your friends are over.

“Yukhei, you’d do that sober,” you grimace.

“Well, you’re not wrong,” he says, pretending to think.

“Are you going to tell me what got you so uncomfortable?” you ask.

“I mean…it’s not that bad,” he begins, eyes glued to a corner of the floor to avoid your gaze.

“You made out with someone, didn’t you?” you sigh. It hurts a little.

Yukhei scratches the back of his head as he breaks into nervous laughter. “Yeah, and now she kinda thinks we’re a thing, and I don’t know what to tell her.”

You pinch the bridge of your nose. You wish you could yell at him, let him know in any way how awful you feel.

“Yukhei, you have to stop leading them on! Every party you kiss someone new. Any more, and you’ll get a bad reputation!”

“I know!” he responds quickly. “But I was so drunk last night I couldn’t remember my name.”

“But you remembered to dial my number?”

“Well…yeah.”

Yukhei fidgets with the hem of his sweatshirt. “I’d call Mark, but he was at his part-time.”

You groan, sinking onto the floor. “I feel like a parent with a stupid son.”

“Hey! Now that’s exactly what my mom would say,” he chuckles, scooting to sit beside you.

There’s a heavy silence between the two of you for a few moments. You gulp down any reproachful words you might have left and stare at your fingers instead. You can’t tell him how upset you really are, can you? You’d have to explain the why then.

“Are you…are you just scared my reputation will be ruined?”

You turn to look at him, but he’s staring straight ahead. “Huh?”

“I mean, is that…what’s making you upset? Just that?”

“Yeah,” you answer, and mentally curse your voice for cracking like that. “I don’t want people thinking you’re some sort of an asshole.”

“Me neither,” he says, looking back at you with wider eyes than usual. “I mean- yeah, that’s- obviously.”

You shake your head at him, but you wonder how long it’ll be till you break. You’ve never kept something so serious from him before. It’s human nature to want more than you already have; Yukhei loves chasing after things he can’t have, but you’re not him. You’ve never been him.

Only a few days later, you see your roommate fuming as she leads a rather flushed Yukhei into your room.

“Next time he comes here, I’m calling the RA,” she threatens with a glare before walking away.

You roll your eyes at her back before grabbing Yukhei by the waist lest he falls and smacks his head against your furniture. Your action, however, proves to be miscalculated (you always forget how heavy he is) as the two of you stumble to the floor, barely avoiding the edge of the bed. You stand up again; Yukhei seems to be half asleep with the way he’s struggling to move around.

“I thought you said you wouldn’t drink,” you grumble.

“I said I wouldn’t go to parties,” he struggles to form the syllables. “I went to a really cool bar…it had funky lights and stuff. And I was dancing…and it was so much fun! Except I underestimated how strong that drink was.”

You sigh heavily. “That’s all you talk about. Fun, fun, fun!”

Yukhei grins as he rises to his full height and wraps his arms around your waist. You’d chide him for the reek of alcohol from him if he didn’t look so vulnerable, dormant like this. His eyes are half-lidded with sleep and when he rests his forehead against yours, you swear your heart has skipped several beats in a row. It’s not fair how peaceful he looks with his eyes closed when he’s sent you into internal turmoil. The warmth of his body seeps through the thick hoodie, and you almost find yourself unable to move.

You swallow the feeling rising in your throat and pull apart.

“Come on, Yukhei,” you tug at his hands to remove them from your waist. “Let’s get to bed.”

“We’re going to bed!” he rejoices gleefully. You’re glad he’s complying at least.

Now if he would just let go, you could prepare a blanket to sleep on the floor.

Yukhei doesn’t remove his arms from around your waist, though. Instead, he pulls you into bed with him, and under the covers. This is nice, the stupid voice in your head pipes up again.

“We’re friends,” he mumbles, “friends do this all the time.”

Not when one of them has more than friendly feelings, you think bitterly. Struggling is futile against Yukhei’s iron grip, and you let yourself feel what you were trying so hard not to. When you look at him under the dim lights coming from your window, he’s already out for the count. You brush the hair away from his face and slowly drift off. It feels safe like this.

Of course, you pretend your heart didn’t jump at the sight of his face too close to yours. You’ve shared a bed when you were kids before Yukhei grew too large to fit the two of you and developed a tendency to drool. He has broader shoulders now, longer legs and he engulfs you when he wraps himself around you. In the morning, your body aches after being wound up so tightly on a small bed but you ignore it best as you can. You ignore the rising warmth in your face too when Yukhei departs with a secure hug and his wide grin.

You wonder what it’d be like to be Yukhei—ruin it all and hope it works out. You wonder what it’d be like to see his idiot grin every night, after a kiss against your lips. You scoff at yourself, face a brilliant red, whenever these thoughts walk in unannounced. It’s getting harder to pretend you don’t stop breathing every time he wraps an arm around you or lays his head on your stomach.

“So let me get this straight,” you say, “you can’t get a job at the diner because you’re too tall to fit into the mascot uniform?”

“Yeah,” Yukhei replies, clearly despondent. Usually, he’d be beaming about his height. You can’t figure out why the job means so much to him, but you get your answer soon enough just to greet it with a click of your tongue.

“The free pancakes,” he wails, “They give free pancakes and fries to their workers. I can’t believe I’m missing out on that.”

Yukhei suddenly sits up straight with wide eyes. “You can fit into the suit though!”

You smack your palm against your forehead while he laughs at his genius.

“You practically live in the gym and talk my ear off about being healthy,” you huff, “And now you just want to hog junk food?”

“I’m just good at being healthy,” he grins. “So I can eat unhealthily. You could do with some work, though.”

You raise your leg to kick him in the side but he catches your foot, laughing loudly at your resentful expression.

You’re about to throw the pillow at him when a click comes from the main door unlocking. The two of you freeze and look at each other. You know for sure this will be the last straw if your roommate finds Yukhei again, and you’ll be reported for good. Yukhei and you jump up in a panic and look around for any way to evade impending doom. The few seconds have you frantically searching for an explanation in case she does find him, and you swear at yourself for forgetting about her warnings. (In your defence, most of the things she says are meaningless and you have no reason to remember them.)

Yukhei points to the giant walk-in closet and sneaks towards it, careful not to make a noise. You tiptoe in before your roommate can enter the shared room, and hide behind a rack just in case she decides to come in. Yukhei isn’t small enough to be entirely covered, so you just pray your roommate has no intention of fetching a pair of shorts.

You hold your breath at the shuffling outside the door and move backwards carefully, only for your back to press against Yukhei’s torso. He stiffens at the touch but continues the needed silence. You end up squeezed in one corner of the closet, little ways from the mirror.

You sigh in relief once you hear the click of the door again. She must’ve come in to get notebooks for her next class, you guess. You turn to Yukhei but your breath hitches when you see him like that in the half-lit closet, his figure leaning towards you. It’s not very comfortable to have your body close against him, half twisted.

Yukhei’s gaze sends your heart into a pitfall. He takes a step towards you just as you take a step back and you end up pressed against the wall with Yukhei’s arms on either side of you.

“You’re still so pretty,” he says, his voice low.

A pause ensues before he speaks again, his voice barely above a whisper. “Can I kiss you?”

The touch of his lips against yours has you seeing colours you never knew existed. One of his hands still rests against the wall while the other is placed gently around your waist. You can’t quite remember the details except Yukhei’s lips are as soft as silk and you resent the separation when he pulls apart.

“I’ve wanted to do that,” Yukhei looks down as he speaks, his cheeks tinted a darker shade of pink, “for a really long time.”

“You’re so stupid,” you huff, “Or maybe I’m the one who’s stupid.”

He responds with a wide-eyed smile when you cup his cheeks and pull him in again, your fingers skimming over his lower jaw. This time you feel every touch of the kiss, your fingers tingling and your lips tasting his. The feelings you’ve been struggling to tie up and toss away come pouring out of you as you try to keep them orderly.

It’s different splashes of colour with each kiss and the two of you can’t help the laughter tumbling out of your mouths.

“I love you,” Yukhei murmurs, his mouth against your jaw. “I’ve loved you all my life.”

He places a chaste kiss against your lips before looking at you with an adoring smile. Yukhei’s never been good at using words to express his feelings, but he’s never really had trouble expressing them either.

“I’m sorry I took so long to realize,” you whisper, before pulling him by the neck of his sweatshirt and into another kiss.

“I’m letting you go just this once,” you roommate calls when you step out of your room in the evening. “Congratulations on getting a boyfriend.”

You blush deep red and look anywhere else to avoid her sly grin. So she did figure it out. You owe her one, or more for not telling on you all the times Yukhei and the others have been over. Perhaps you had got off on the wrong foot. You should start listening to Yukhei’s advice on how to make friends. You should start listening to Yukhei for a lot of things.

Maybe Yukhei has always meant to talk about your colours but never found words good enough. Maybe he loves the way you laugh and finds himself doing more and more ridiculous things just for you. Maybe he’s told you that he loves you a lot of times but you weren’t listening. Maybe, just maybe, you too have always been the main actor in Yukhei’s life.

#how cheesy do you want this to be?#me: yes #nct scenarios #wayv scenarios #wong yukhei imagines #wayv imagines #nct imagines #yukhei fluff #nct fluff #wayv fluff #lucas scenarios #nct lucas imagines #yukhei x reader #College!AU #best friends to lovers!au #moonwrites #getting stuck in a closet with the love of your life for arbitrary fic reasons >>>>>>

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writing-away-my-sorrows · 7 years

Text

Wandered (Chapter 2)

Intro - hey im back!! and i have a schedule for this one! im gonna update this every other sunday!

Paring - None! Clean of sin!

Words - 1,746

Triggers - Mentions of sex, gun violence.

Summary - After settling at their new base, Hamilton discovers a new outsider who is wandering outside their base...

~Enjoy!~

Eventually the group decided to leave the shed and look for a new base, which Hamilton always thought was a bad desicion. Every morning we would wake up from our rotten filled nightmares and be slugged off into the abyss to look for a "safer place". We kept moving, wasting our energy and spending it on looking. Why couldn't we just focus on our survival rather then the softest tuft of grass?

Of course, Hamilton never dared to question Washington at his work. He was very bruting and intimitading at what he did; no one dared to ask what he was doing. He once got real tipsy at a broken down parlor they found, and he got so drunk he tossed the map of the city into the lake. None of them went to go find it, and no one dared to challenge him. Most of us were convinced he used to take steriods because he had the biggest biceps known to man, along with scars scattered on his body. And if you dared to ask him about his scars, you would never ask about his blind eye. Hamilton overheard Eliza disscussing with her sister about Washington, and they speculated that Washington's wife was infected and causes him to wake up in a cold sweat. He easily believed this myth, as every time he looked at a brown skinned female, you could see his heart drop as he would drag his attention away from the lady. Hamilton talked to people in the group who's been there longer than he's been and they all said that once Washington saw a black, female rotten and shed a tear, frozen on trying to kill it. Lafayette was the one who killed her, and Washington "was never happier about letting go". Hamilton was brought back to the world when Washington called, "Alright, let's settle here." As the group started to branch into the area, Hamilton took a good look of where he was. They were in the middle of a large, thick wood with a large circle of dirt with trees surrounding them. The air was quite thick and damp, and it was filled with the scent of pines and fresh water streams. In the middle there was a pile of sticks and burnt clothes, paper, etc. along with some left over trash and litter. North from where the circle was, there was a fresh water stream running with smooth pebbles surrounding the edges. Hamilton sighed and dropped his heavy backpack on the soft dirt beneath his feet. Time to unload his stuff again. This time, we was smart enough to not completely dump out his bag, but rather just taking out his journal and sleeping bag. He kept the pink pencil case he found in the shed with the dagger, and also stashed his family photo in the case. He was still puzzled on how a pile of photos, all from the same shed his group managed to stumble upon, had a picture for every single person, even dulicates for multiple of the same family. Something was defiantly fishy about that, but he didn't complain. It was a wonder to see his mother again. "Ugh, why do we have to stay here?" He could hear Jefferson complain across the circle, followed by the rough thump of dropping his large bag of books on the ground. "Do you want to continue walking for a slightly more decent dirt?" Snarled Eliza. Silence hovered around Jefferson as the rest of the group set their space up, and some even trying to start the fire in the middle. After laying down his two small items, Hamilton walked over to Eliza to help her with their stuff. Even though she was a very limited woman, she still had her load to unpack, like a blanket, several pictures, her library of weapons, and her assortments of ponytails. Hamilton didn't really understand the somewhat hording personalities of women, but he didn't question; she looked almost as intimidating as Washington. While they unpacked, Eliza started a friendly conversation. "Hey, so have any plans once we stop moving from place to place?" Alex sighed. "Honestly, not really. Left my home on an island so I got no where else to go." "Wow, that sucks. I mean, I plan to go be a marathon runner and win medals for them." "Oh really? That's pretty cool... All I do is write in a cute little diary." "Oh shut it, writing is a really nice profession! You can make a living based off it." Hamilton lifted Eliza's blanket of weapons and laid them down next to her 'bed'. "Barely." "Barely impossible." "Oh what ever. I don't plan to write for a living though. I might be a plain old engineer or something." "Come on man! You got a real talent!! Don't waste it!" Eliza took a long gaze into Alex's eyes, her eyelids almost making her's dissapear. Hamilton's cheeks was sprinkled with blush, his face getting hotter. "You know what, I forgot your name. What was it?" Alex smiled nervously to release the tension. "Hamilton, but you can just call me Alex." "Ah, that's what your name was! The guy who keeps waking up from nightmares?" He laughed nervously, glancing away to the ground. "Don't we all?"

-~-

The night was quite noisy that night, the crickets singing in tune with the owls in their nests, and the frogs croaking sounds of delight. The animals were lucky not to get the virus as we did. They thought that this was the best past years of their life. Sometimes, he wished he just turned into a frog and hopped away, away from all of this misery and death. At night, no one was ever awake. Maybe some nights Jefferson would have a little too much fun with his boyfriend, for which he'd have to force himself to go to sleep, but besides that the night was free to his will. And on those nights, where the snores of his team mates were the only nosie filling the world, he would sneak out of the camp and walk in the woods. Probably one of the worst habits he has, especially in a rotten infected world, but he has never seen a rotten in a month so he felt safe for the most part. Hamilton groaned and picked up his dagger, lifting himself up to stroll in the woods. Once he got himself on his feet, he took silent footsteps into the woods where he gazed at the world. The woods were always more peaceful at night, as the animals slept and the brilliant stars filled up the sky. At one point in his stroll, he found an open patch that was lit by the moon; it looked like if Jesus had opened a gate way from hell to heaven, and if he just took a step, he'd climb the staircase up to the clouds. When he took in the circle and looked up, lord and behold there was a large full moon in the sky, twinkling with several other stars surrounding it. Hamilton had to catch his breath, looking at such a brilliant view. He felt his eyes widen, the world seeping into his iris and making the rotten apocolapse look like a candy land. He smiled, closed his eyes, and smoothly took the hair band out of his silky black hair, letting his hair flow down and brush his elbows. He felt young. He didn't feel 32, but rather 5 as he let out a small giggle. He'd never felt more happy. He sat there, smiling and giggling for a while until he heard a rustle in the trees. He spun around, his eyes focused on the dark woods. Looking at the moon for so long made a burnt look on his retnas, making it difficult to spot anything at all. His heart was beating out of his chest, the fear of rottens lurking in his brain. Just as he thought it was his imagination, the rustle became louder, and it sounded like the crunch of leaves. His heart spun into panic, his eyes dialted, looking for the source. He didn't want to die here. Nor ever. The noise got closer. Then closer. Then he could see a black figure, huntched over with a sort of long weapon in hands, walking slowly. Hamilton took several steps back, clutching his dagger in fear. He took a breath, and before he could exhale, he felt a jab in his chest, the end of a long object, poking him. He looked up and saw the figure, a young, teenage boy with short, curly locks. He had a fair, white skin with freckles sprinkled on his face like sprinkles. His wardrobe was a torn, distraught shirt with jeans, an AID kit and a belt with supplies. He wore a dog tooth necklace with some bones, with the string being an authentic wheat string. His face was a square like appearance, his eyes scrunched in anger and dominance. The boy spoke with a small, obviously pubecent tone. "Who are you, and why are you here?" Hamilton paused for a second, but he replied with a firm voice. "I'm Alex and I was just strolling through the woods." "Why are you in my base?" "Look, I didn't know it was your base. I was jus-" He was cut off by the boy pushing him to the ground, his head slamming into the ground. The boy stepped on his chest with his foot and pointed the long shot gun at his forehead. "Let's try this again. Why are you in my base?" Hamilton took a deep breath, trying to think of a good responce. "I wanted to see the stars, so I looked for a well lit place." "Did you steal anything?" "No, I did not." The boy paused for a second then stepped off the man. "Get out." "Are you here alone?" "I said, get out." Hamilton took a deep breath and nodded, getting himself off the ground and walking away. "Hey, boy. I usually take walks, so if I ever stumble across you again, just know that I don't mean harm." The boy digested this for a second, his eyes swaying in different directions. "The name's Philip." Hamilton panted for a second. "Hamilton."

~To Be Continued~

#wowie look at this !!#pret cool #and yes i will update every other sunday from now on :>>>#writing #1500 words #hamilton #hamilton musical #fanfiction #fanfic #fic #zombie au #wandered

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muffin--stuffin · 5 years

Text

Traveling

I'm sorry if this doesnt make a whole lot of sense but i'm just going to brain dump.

You know, all my life i felt like i was watching time pass, always waiting for something better. It was always: next month ill do this, next year ill do that, when i graduate ill be able to do this ... and so on. I kept realizing that i kept waiting for things to get better rather than taking those strides myself, i always felt i was subjected to a clock or a calendar or an agenda that someone else made for me. These past few years, and it certainly wasn’t instant, i’ve been making huge steps to take control of my life. I've been going out with me, taking myself to restaurants, movies, events, initiating making plans with friends. And through all that i really learned more about myself, who am i, what i like, and how i want to be treated. And when i learned more about myself i stopped letting myself be treated in shitty ways.

Only when I cut off people who were treating me poorly did i learn that what they were doing wasn't love like they said, but their own faults and shortcomings that they need to deal with. I became so much happier when i took control of how i was being treated. And honestly the more control i take of my life, the more happier i get. People who didn’t deserve my love, kindness, or patience lost out and i put that energy into people who love me well in return.

One of the biggest steps i’ve been taking is travelling more. Meeting and learning about new people who grew up differently from you really helps you grow as a person. And all around the world you’ll meet good and bad people.

I’ve traveled twice now by myself, and both times at the end i’ve felt sad. However, as i sit here on a plane reflecting on both trips i can honestly say that they were two very different kinds of sadness.

Without going into too much detail both trips were incredible in the sense of gaining new experiences and having fun, you know i love travelling. But the first trip ended with a sadness of realization that i wasnt happy with how my life was, the people i was with, the relationships we had were hollowness being held together on by a thread, it didnt have a sturdy base, i was homesick, tired, and most unfortunately, i felt lonely around people who said they loved me, and that was a big realization for me. I changed a lot of my life up again.

The bad experiences i had i don't regret tho, i learned a lot from it. And im learning during my good experiences too, so next:

Vegas.

Man lets talk about vegas, what a way to spend a weekend. B was there and the opprtunity presented itself to go, so i bought a ticket thursday and flew out after working overnight into friday. Man was i so sleep deprived that day lmao. I think i woke up at 2 pm after working wed night, bought a ticket, packed my bags, and went to work thursday. Went home friday morning and dealt with delays, couldnt sleep on the plane and arrived in vegas at like 9pm (12 am east) punk ass time difference >:(. But after getting off that plane a second wind got me, we went out late at night, went to a club, made connections with fun people, went to bed at like 4 am. That night club was jewel, we got in for free and finagled some drinks. Never, ever drink AMF, regardless of what some girl is tryna tell u when ur already sloppy drunk, its worst than long island. Ive never been so drunk before hahah so honestly i dont really remember that night. But i think we had the best pizza ever at a place called eataly.

Saturday!! First full day in Vegas, and boy did i luck out, not on slots tho (i lost so much money gambling) and its probably because i used all my luck finding PG. Not til later tho. Saturday i walked all around sober, found some amazing sushi for the lads and just felt free. It was incredible, the views, the freedom, the exploration. That’s one of my favorite parts of travelling, feeling so free and small in such a big world. Later was the meet up, and i was nervous, of course, but like i felt so comfortable immediately. That night was a lot of fun, i think like 6 of us went out but... as i sit here writing this, i kinda realized that i don’t want to write everything out to the public. The memories we all made together are special to us and not for the world to know. They are memories that i'm going to cherish and they belong to us. In both a group setting and especially one on one time i spent with my friends, i was so, so happy. & you know what happens in vegas ..stays in vegas 😆

But one of the main points to this was to talk about my emotions about leaving vegas, so i will touch on that. So as quick as it came, as quick as it left unfortunately..

Leaving vegas - i’m sad but for a happier reason, i dont want to leave quite yet, this feelings getting cut short. Like friday and saturday i was having the time of my life, sunday was amazing, but then i kinda got hit with a wave. I caught myself not being me and it was because im going to miss the people i met, the times we had, and the friends we made. But it was hard, i really had to catch myself being lame for a while, and i felt like i was wasting the lil time we had. How sad is that? And then i felt guilty for being a little different and bummed out.

But you know what, I think there's something tragically beautiful about being sad at the end of a vacation. It means you were having an amazing time and you don't want the memories to end, but it also means you're afraid of the future. I don't want to be scared that life will get worse or im bound to be just some fuck up.

And idk maybe we used eachother as a weekend escape from our lives, but holy shit PG i wish you knew your worth because you're incredible, and i regret not making it clear. I feel like you were a little anxious about showing us the best around vegas but cmon.. i loved your company when we werent doing anything. But why was i sad and fearful? Maybe i'm afraid that all we had was that short time limit, but if all we were was an expiration date, why did it feel you've belonged in a space near me as if you had it our whole lives? Maybe it was fate but I'll also choose not to believe that you were only worth a time limit. I am so tired of this looming shadow that someone else has created over me that people are temporary in my life until i screw things up. I hate how engrained these two have put it into my head that i dont deserve this. I dont want to believe that people who are making me happy in the present arent going to last. You know i'll take control of this part of my life. Yeah im sad im leaving but ive been creating this life for me where im so fortunate to have friends that are just the best. I shouldnt be afraid or sad that something like this wont happen again, because it will. Honestly, maybe i dont deserve them but i know one thing, is that i want to make them happy.

And B man you've had a tough month and you're staying really strong. I hope im doing something okay that helps you through these shitty times you're going through. You're an amazing friend and i wish you would find a happiness in yourself and your friends. I notice you've been trying to stay strong but i hope you're not letting it eat you away, im really happy you've been confiding ur feelings to me because i know it's tough. Stay strong bruther. It just breaks my heart seeing when you’re sad

#rambles

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wickedangel276 · 5 years

Text

1/23/19

I was on Facebook just now, and seen a post from my late mother’s friend.. She posted her wedding picture and an old invite to her 25th wedding anniversary in 1988. It made me think of my Mom and Dad.

My parents never celebrated anniversaries. According to my Mom, the marriage was a mistake. She claimed that her sister and one of his sisters pushed her into marrying, that she didnt want to get married.

They were never affectionate. Never seen a hug, never seen a kiss. They didn’t make love, and I know this because I was an unusually insecure child who slept with my Mom until I was 12. So, yeah, I know they weren’t physical with one another. They had separate beds by the time I was like 9 or 10.

There were times that my Dad did try to be lovey and affectionate toward her, she’d pull away. Just wasn’t having it. I really felt bad for my Dad. He loved her. He tried. He stuck it out and took care of her and us, until the day he died. Life was unfair for him. He was miserable a lot of the time. It made him a bit difficult to get along with at times, but it wasn’t really his fault. I wish I seen that more back then and could have had a better understanding. The few times we were out shopping together, he was happier. We really got along. Until I was pushing the cart behind him and ran into him. lol Happened too many times....yeah, we didn’t get along all that great those times. lol I miss him.

They say that you learn to be affectionate and learn what relationships are all about from watching your parents.. When I started dating, I wasn’t sure how to behave. But, when I became engaged to a super affectionate guy, I learned that’s what I like, what I need. That was when I was 17. I am now married to a different, yet just as affectionate, man. He’s always cuddly, hand holding, kissing me. Says I love you several times a day. I love that, so much. By watching my parents, I learned what a cold, distant marriage is like and knew that’s the furthest thing from what I want, what I need.

I don’t know where I learned to be affectionate. I always was.. As a child, I always tried to hug on my Mom, she would literally push me away and tell me to stop. I tried to be affectionate with my Dad, but she would make nasty accusations. So, I didn’t have the affection I needed. I think that’s a big part of why I was so insecure. As an adult, I still have my moments when I feel “insecure” and emotionally needy. Luckily, not often. I’m not typically a clingy person. But those times, I need Mark to hold me tight for a few minutes. And he does. He understands. Talking about this almost has me crying.

I think seeing my parent’s bad marriage is a big part of why I was so hesitant to get married, my entire adult life. I finally did, but it took a while to feel ready. I never want to be divorced, so marriage is very permanent to me. I’ve had some commitment issues throughout my life. And I didn’t want to make a mistake. Didn’t want to make a life long promise to someone, then have him change into someone I couldn’t stand. Partly because, my Mom always warned me not to get married. Said the man thinks he owns you, and he will change. Part of me said, don’t believe it. Another part of me feared her being right. After all, I have dated some guys who were one way before dating them, then they changed after I started dating them. The worst was recent, about 5 years, maybe 6 years ago. He was one of my very best friends, we got together finally and he was a different person. Completely. He was hard to get over, because I missed that close friendship. Still do. ONLY the friendship, though.

I woke up at 530 this morning. I do better when I wake up early. We have to leave here at 9, to get to his dental appointment in Gate City. While we are there, we are going to go to the courthouse and try to get the visitation/custody case moved from Gate City to Bristol. After 6 months, the jurisdiction is supposed to change. Then we found out we have to take it back to court to petition change of jurisdiction. To the best of my knowledge, I believe her bio mother is incarcerated. She is suppose to serve a year. I just received a message from her fb account saying she is home and wants her visit, but I believe it’s her mother, trying to get the visit. The custody order reads that Sierra is to be transported by the grandmother. So of course, we would have no way of knowing, since the “mother” never comes with her anyway. IF she were not in jail, she would have contacted me about previous missed visits and she would actually call me. I don’t believe it.

I need to figure out what i’m making for dinner tonight. Had ground beef stroganoff last night. Finally. lol I had been planning it, but making something else instead, for a couple weeks. It was pretty good. I don’t know if Sierra has church tonight or not. I need to know, so I know whether i’m cooking for 3 or just two. But, they aren’t calling me back, so I won’t know until we see if they show up at 5 or not.

It’s 814 and i’m feeling a little tired. Taking my other phentermine in 45 minutes or so. I had been taking them together, same time, for the longest time. But it’s supposed to be taken about 4 hours apart. I’ve been taking them 2-4 hours apart. They say that spacing them out gives you energy and suppresses the appetite longer throughout the day. It didn’t suppress my appetite the last couple days! I stayed hungry for some reason, ate too much. Today should be different. I had a banana, a couple cups of coffee and a bottle (+1/4 bottle) of water so far, and i’m not hungry so far.

I need to stop at a grocery store. I’m out of ranch and cottage cheese. I love cottage cheese on a salad, good protein source. Also, probably pick something up for dinner instead of thawing something. I’m thinking pork chops. They can be made so many different ways. Last time, I thinly topped them with mustard and basked them. Everyone loved them. This time, not as healthy, but I am thinking about a thin coat of mayo and some garlic and lemon pepper, salt and pepper. Baked. One of these nights, when she has church and it’s just Mark and I, we have some thick pork chops, will be perfect for stuffing them.

I set a goal of losing 10 pounds by Valentine’s day. Time is ticking away and i’m not doing great. Not eating at or under my calorie goal the last couple days. I don’t announce my weight freely, but I guess it doesn’t matter. You can tell im over 300 by looking at me, so why bother trying to hide it. I’m 304. My Vday goal is 294. Fingers crossed! (..and mouth closed! ha)

I want to drink more water, it’s good for my weight loss and I feel that i’ve been living chronically dehydrated. But, something...i’m thinking the coffee...has me feeling over full, making it difficult to drink the water.

I check my weight tomorrow, when I stop in at the weight loss clinic to get my lipo-vite shot. Getting them twice a week until the end of February. I hope to see some results. Also hoping I don’t have a gain, this time. When I first weighed in at the clinic, it was 302.5. BUT.. I hadn’t drank much water. I think the extra 1.5 pounds came from extra water I had been drinking. Still, was disappointing to see a gain. Please be a loss or still 304!!!! Preferably a loss. Also, planning to swim Thursday. And Saturday. Doing 2 times a week for now, working up to 3 times per week. Or more.

I just read that exercise isn’t as important as dieting to lose weight. But, it helps. It helped me stick to my dieting last time.

834, guess I better get off here and get ready to go.

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