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n0v4t33z · 7 months

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Dark Desires: Chapter II - Eternally Yours

Pairings: VampireCatHybrid~Seonghwa x Female Reader, VampireCatHybrid~Ateez x Female Reader

Genre: Horror, Angst, Romance, Vampire Ateez, Paranormal?

Word Count: 10.1k

Tags/Warnings: For Mature Audiences, Violence, Language, mentions blood, Magic, Fantasy, Some Fluff, Highly Suggestive at times (This is a warning for the whole story overall)

Chapter specific: Lots of kissing, intimate situations but not explicit, flirting, blood, Y/n speaks about death and magic with the boys, (I'll add more later if more come to mind)

Author's Note💌: Okay so in this chapter there was originally supposed to be smut but I omitted that part due to being short on time because of my schedule. Unfortunately I'm not very fast at typing up smut because how much I struggle to write it so that'll come out on a later date so that I can put more thought into it. Since I don't write smut I felt like maybe it would have probably been a bad Idea if I forced myself to do it right now so to save you from cringe I decided not to include it! Either way I still hope you enjoy the chapter! 🌙

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A few days go by and I never find out who's scream it was that I heard a few nights ago, it didn't help that the door Seonghwa told me not to go into kept teasing me. So me being me I finish my work for the day so I could have more time to explore the house. The door was near the basement of the house from what I noticed is that they usually come here or the basement after feeding at night or after going out in general. I look around to make sure no one is around and I walk into the dark room I reach into my pocket and I turn on the spare candle in my pocket from when I was replacing them earlier, I walk around the dark room and notice a beautiful golden hourglass with a sigil on it, the same one in my room. I carefully look around and I notice a drawing on the wall, from what I could read it seemed to be from 1646. The drawing was of a woman whose features were almost identical like mine, could this woman in the drawing be me? Why was that drawing here? On the floor was that same sigil drawn in blood, In the corner I notice alot of black and white photos along with some drawings and pictures of different girls, were those their previous victims? All the girls were exceptionally gorgeous. From the corner of my eye I see the spine of a book, the front of the book was empty with no title so I decide to open the book. I slowly begin to realize they were diary entries, 1863, 1925, 1958. Under my breath I whisper to myself "When I called Master Seonghwa a history book I didn't realize he was actually writing one himself…"

I decide to look up my birthday as a strange curiosity and while skimming through the entry I come across something interesting "I had a dream of that girl again. It's been a while since I've seen her. I have a strong feeling she was born today, I can feel it. I can't wait until I find her. I'll do everything in my power to protect her, she's going to be the only reason worth living this cursed life only then I'll know what true happiness is." When I read those words I can't help but to begin to tear up, for the first time in my life someone was happy I was born. Yeah, my family might've been happy that I was born but they never really showed it. My family was rarely the type to show any affection for me at all so to think someone wanted to show that affection towards me really shocked me. This man has literally been waiting to be with me for hundreds of years even before I was born. Is this true love? Is true love when someone waits for you even years before you're actually born? Will he be disappointed if I'm not what he expects me to be? What if he realizes he doesn't like who I am and he kills me, then what? I have so many questions but yet I'm scared of how they'll be answered.

Suddenly the door behind me opens and I jump and drop the book and candle in the process. When I turn around and see it's Mingi I scream when I notice him charging at me, I try to move out of the way but he grabs both of my arms and begins to violently shake and yell at me "What were you doing in here?! Didn't Seonghwa tell you to stay out of here?! You're not supposed to be in here!" I look up at him and noticed his eyes were now glowing blood red "Master Mingi I'm so sorry, I'll never do it again!" he grabs me by the throat and squeezes my throat just enough to choke me but not snap my neck. He pins me against the wall then answers in a low growl "There won't be a next time, Hongjoong was right we should have sacrificed you that night." I cough trying to catch my breath while I try to claw his hand off of my throat. Suddenly everyone else runs into the room with Seonghwa yelling at Mingi "Let her go you bastard! You're going to kill her!" He then tries to run over to Mingi but Hongjoong and Yeosang hold him back then Mingi turns and smirks in his direction "She has to die now Seonghwa, Draven is going to be really upset. That time you bought her won't do her any good anyway, I was right not trusting this dumb witch. They're such deceitful and sneaky humans." San, Wooyoung,and Jongho run over to over to hold Mingi back.

Yunho gently puts his hand on Mingi’s shoulder and gently squeezes it. "Calm down, you know you can't be the one who does the sacrifice. You're a young vampire remember that, so if you kill her you'll ruin everything not just for you but for all of us. So let go of her, come on." Mingi hesitantly puts me down throwing me onto the floor then Hongjoong lets go of Seonghwa and helps Yunho escort Mingi out of the room while Yeosang stays with the rest of us. Seonghwa runs over to me and holds me tightly in his arms, his breathing still ragged from the scare "Miss y/n, I told you not to come in here.. " I continue coughing for a bit then I say in a slightly hoarse voice "I'm so sorry Master Seonghwa, curiosity got the best of me." He sighs deeply "You scared me, you put yourself in such danger.." San gives me a worried look "You know If Wooyoung hadn't called us telepathically because he heard screaming, you would have most likely been killed by Mingi."

Wooyoung looks down slightly frowning "He's one of the youngest out of all of us with the youngest being Jongho, luckily Jongho's strong willpower helps him from giving into his vampiric instincts. Mingi on the other hand is terrible at it, he's still learning to control himself." God this is so embarrassing... "I'm so sorry for betraying your trust. I promise I didn't have bad intentions." Yeosang courteously nods "it know, but now that means we'll all have to keep an eye on Mingi now. " Seonghwa says "She's going to stay at my side at all times.." I shake my head "No! I'll be okay I promise I'll just stay away from him. I'll just do what I'm supposed to from now on and not stray from my duties." Seonghwa worriedly looks at me "Are you sure? You really don't have to risk it." I get up and nod "It's ok Master Seonghwa I'll be fine." San looks at Seonghwa "We'll just do what Yeosang said if that's the case, let's just watch him. I'm sure ostracizing him won't help at all but make him resent Miss y/n even more than he already does. "

They all get up and Seonghwa looks over at me then at the guys and flatly says "Okay that's fine, I just need to have a word with Miss y/n can you guys please give us some privacy?" They nod in obedience and head out. Once it's just him and I he looks down at the floor and sees the book I was reading left open on the last page I read, he picks it up and puts it on a table near him then shyly smiles "I guess you found my diary." Embarrassed, I fidget with my hands "Well, it's more like a history book now." he chuckles "Okay you got me there." he takes my hand and pulls me a little closer to him "I've been looking for you almost all my immortal life, and now that I've finally found you I just want to protect you." His gaze connects with mine "Which is why when you I heard Wooyoung tell me you were in trouble, I was terrified of losing you." Now I feel bad for coming in here, he told me explicitly not to and I disobeyed him. I would have died by my own ignorance. It definitely proves that curiosity killed the cat. "I'm so sorry. I promise you I won't do something like that ever again. That was just way too close."

He clears some stray hairs from my face "Next time you want to see something just ask me, you'll be much safer with me okay?" I nod and rest my head on his chest "So, it was true that you're in love with me then?" He softly hums and gently strokes my cheek with his thumb "I knew what you were going to look like way before you were born, in person you're much more beautiful than the drawing I have of you, Hongjoong drew it for me." I pull away and look at him in shock then look over at the drawing again "Wow, really? How did you know though? Like how were you able to see my face?" He shyly smiles and holds my hands in his "I actually dreamt about you, which is why I was only able to see you a handful of times but everytime I did my heart felt something it usually doesn't." I giggle "So, you mean you felt butterflies in your stomach and you felt happy?" He smiles and nods then leans in close to my face, centimeters away gently caressing my cheek. "I'm sorry if this is too sudden but will you be mine?" His beautiful emerald eyes look deep into my eyes and for some strange reason I’m compelled to just give in without thinking twice about it.

Why is my heart beating so fast I can't breathe. He's so beautiful. "I- " My stomach churns and the longer I stand there the harder it becomes to speak until I blurt out "What if I disappoint you?" Seonghwa tilts his head and asks in a slight sad tone "Why would I be disappointed my love? I've been looking for you for almost my whole vampire life.." I stammer "Well, I mean, we've never met prior to this so our personalities may clash." He brings my hand up to his ice cold lips and gently presses a kiss on the back of my hand and looks deep into my eyes "There's a reason why I kept seeing you in my dreams my dear y/n. I'm willing to work with our differences if that's the case. That's how important you are to me." I look down slightly flustered from all the attention and how gorgeous the man is in general. Well he's nice right? I should be okay, he's definitely been treating me better than any of my ex's and that's a start. Seonghwa gently lifts my chin so that our eyes meet once again "So what do you say princess?" I nod staring deep into his eyes unable to look away.

"Of course I will Master Seonghwa, as long as you don't hurt me I'm all yours " He leans a little closer, he smelled nice. Nothing like how people usually say vampires smell like, dusty, and gross. His oddly sweet smell being quite soft and warm despite how cold his skin is in reality. "I promise you my eternal life I will never hurt you darling." He steps closer to me gently pressing his chest against mine "Just call me Seonghwa ." He gently places his ice cold lips on mine and kisses me. Slowly, while the kiss intensifies he slithers his free arm around my waist. I gently rest my hand on his chest while I kiss him, he then slowly kisses down my chin and onto my neck causing me let out a soft sigh. He slowly pulls away and re collects himself “I- not here. I don't want to risk anyone um.... Hearing things." I nod and shyly look away feeling my cheeks burning he takes my hand and gently kisses it "I guess I'll get back to my duties now." He nods looking at me very lovingly "Please be careful my love." He gently presses his ice cold lips on my forehead for a kiss goodbye.

When I step into the kitchen I stand there for a few seconds looking out the window thinking what I should make for dinner. A few moments later while getting all the ingredients ready Jongho enters and gently puts his hand on my shoulder "Miss y/n, how are you doing?" I slightly jump and I turn and look at him "Oh, Master Jongho hello. I'm okay, I’m still a bit spooked." He sits on a chair next to the table "I'm honestly glad you're okay. I'm sure having an angry vampire trying to kill you is pretty traumatic in itself." I begin chopping a few vegetables and let out a soft sigh just remembering the way Mingi’s eyes were burning into mine, his eyes had so much hatred in them that remembering made me feel unsafe and uneasy. "it was, but knowing you guys were there really comforted me. Although that made me want to go home alot more than before knowing there's someone here who hates me enough to hurt me."

He stares off straight ahead and walks up next to me clearly still upset from what happened "I'm so sorry, I can only imagine how you feel right now. I know this won't change how you feel but if it helps we all like having you here. Not because you do housework but because you're really nice, you're an amazing friend and because you really remind me alot of my own mother." I smile then I look over at Jongho and hug him tightly "I'll be here as long as I'm allowed to be here." He pulls away and looks at me, his cold grey eyes staring deep into mine. He then gently touches my face with his ice cold hands "it's like my mother never left me, when you came in to the practice room to cheer up my singing it reminded me of what my mom used to do." I gently hold his hand on my face then I gently smooth out his blazer "And I'll continue to do so as she did and cheer you on for as long as my human self is alive don't worry."

He rests his forehead on my shoulder and hides his face from my view "We can't sacrifice you to Draven anymore, I don't want you to be gone. You have to stay here with us.” He pauses for a few seconds then he continues “You see, I'm not usually the one to freak out but Draven really scares me. To point where the thought of him taking everything we have from us all over again and being helpless terrifies me because that's not the position that I like to be put in. It's embarrassing being so vulnerable like that. " I gently lift his head and I look at him while gently stroking his soft Auburn hair "it's okay, we'll find a way to stop this I promise." I felt bad because I knew my reassurance was a straight up lie. How could I compete against this Draven guy? I have to somehow find out what's going on.

"I'll have to talk to Hongjoong about this, he has to know a way to stop this." He clears his throat trying get himself together "Of course, you should do that but for now just sit here and enjoy a meal with me and San, yes?" He hums in agreement and watches me cook while he waits for the food to be finished I pour him a warm cup of Earl grey tea infused with blood. San and Wooyoung eventually come in and sit next to Jongho "oh hi Master Wooyoung, don't worry I made extra food today." I turn and serve them some tea then I begin to serve their plates and place the plates in front of them "let me know how I did today guys." They all take a spoonful of food then Jongho says "Oh wow, this is actually really good now I know why San's been eating with you because your ability to merge human and vampiric pallets is seamless."

I sit down and watch them eat with a smile on my face "Thank you so much Master Jongho but all I did was just add blood." San and Wooyoung look over at me then San says "Hey, aren't you going to eat?" I rest my hand under my chin “Oh yeah, I'll eat the leftovers don't worry" San shakes his head and gets up "No, Miss y/n you're going to eat with us remember? That's what we agreed on." He serves me a plate of regular food and sets it in front of me "Ahh fine, I was just trying to be a normal maid." San sets a glass of grape juice in front of me and Wooyoung laughs "A normal maid? You stopped being a normal maid the moment you befriended us." Jongho then says "Remember how i said you're a great friend? I wasn't just talking about myself you know"

I take a sip of my grape juice then in a slightly disappointed tone Wooyoung says "Times like these is when I wish we could do fun things together like normal friends instead of being at home rotting." San's face lights up and says "We can have a little picnic party in the garden tomorrow!" Wooyoung and Jongho nod in agreement then I say "We can, I'll make the food and the desserts!" Wooyoung gives me puppy eyes and says "can I help you cook please?" I nod "of course that would be amazing! You'll be a huge help" Jongho says "Well, I'll ask the rest of the guys if they want to help decorate since the garden is kind of big but don't worry Miss y/n, I won't ask Mingi out of protection for you."

I feel bad he’s getting excluded now. “Are you sure that he’ll be fine with that?” Jongho nods giving me a reassuring smile “I promise you he’ll be fine. Maybe him not being in attendance he’ll realize his mistake.” I hum in response then I give them a serious look "Okay so I have a question, who's Draven? And why am I supposed to be sacrificed to him?" They look at each other nervously for a couple of seconds then Wooyoung blurts out "He's a vampire demon we work for, We call him Draven but his real name is Zuphroi. Oh, and you were supposed to be sacrificed to him because Draven loves to feed on the life force and blood of humans." My stomach drops and my hands fidget under the table to try and calm myself “Hm okay, so who’s the guy in the painting that I saw in the main room of the house?” everyone stays silent for a bit then San says “Oh, that’s our creator. Sir Kim Jongkook.”

I look at their expressions and I could tell they seemed very sad. “If I may ask, what happened to him?” San looks at the guys almost like asking for permission then they both nod and San continues “Well, Sir Jongkook is actually Draven’s older brother..The thing is though that body is no longer Sir Jongkook’s brother because the demon known as Zuphroi possesed it yet he still presents and goes by Draven. The demonic powers Draven got also enhanced his vampiric powers which let him be able to easily surpass his already very powerful older brother and defeat him. Years ago he drained Sir Jongkook of his life force but kept his brother’s remains in his castle, to which remain there till this day. All of this happened because we all became very close to Sir Jongkook and Draven became jealous, the reason being was that he was like a father to all of us and we were like his children but his brother got upset he couldn’t form the same bond we had with his brother which is why he seeked Zuphroi’s power to destroy his own brother out of envy. Our bond was naturally stronger with Sir Jongkook because he was our creator.” I sit there for a moment processing everything “So that man in the painting is Draven’s deceased older brother?” San nods “Correct.” I slightly raise my eyebrows in shock “Wow…That’s incredibly dark.”

Wooyoung nods looking a bit sullen “Yeah, you’d think because they were brothers Draven would have had mercy on Sir Jongkook since from what they told us they both suffered alot as children. They might not have been brothers by blood but they spent a good portion of their lives together. ” Wooyoung clears his throat clearly not wanting to get emotional and says “Anyway, any other questions?” I nod “Ah yes, why do San and Yeosang turn into cats?” San tilts his head “You know It’s not just us that can turn into cats, all eight of us do actually including Seonghwa.” Oh my gosh, Seonghwa as a cat? If San and Yeosang were so cute I'm sure Seonghwa would be adorable! I raise my eyebrow and blink then San continues “We all turn into cats because Draven put a curse on us.

The upside is we can obviously turn into cats and switch back to our “undead” selves at will but a few downsides are when we need to feed and are on the brink of starvation we become too weak and are unable to turn back into our “undead” selves until we feed on blood again. Another and I guess the worst one is Draven has complete control over our curse so if the amulet around his neck is destroyed then so is the curse, freeing us. Which is why we’re kind of scared of him and try to avoid him showing up at all costs. because we're usually totally vulnerable around him.” I sit back in my seat and look at the three guys sitting in front of me in complete shock “Wow, I’m so sorry this curse is such a burden to all of you. This Draven guy sounds scary. Honestly I would have never thought it would be possible to turn from one species into another.” Wooyoung smiles and wiggles his fingers in the air “That’s magic baby, the dark arts.” Jongho looks at me with a faint smile "Anything else? These guys are basically an open book.”

I nod "Hm yeah actually, so all those drawings and photos of those girls in in that room, who are they?" Jongho responds "That room is a room Seonghwa usually frequents as you can see most things in there are his, but those girls are girls he thought were you and instead of returning them we just sacrificed them to Draven because it was easier to keep the sacrifices going since we're kinda forced to keep them coming for him because we have a pact with him." I look down trying to re gather my thoughts then I say "So, you guys knew about Seonghwa's situation?" They all nod then I look at them worriedly "Then how come Mingi hates me and Hongjoong is always so uptight? Wouldn't they at least be a bit nicer?" They shrug then Wooyoung says "Hongjoong is just naturally like that since he's the leader, he takes his position very seriously but he's actually pretty cool and Mingi, honestly we don't know why he acted the way he did we were pretty shocked he attacked you."

I know he probably won't hurt me but knowing that because of me so many innocent girls were killed makes me feel terrible. San taps my hand to get my attention and says "Hey, Please don't tell anyone we told you any of this, I don't think Seonghwa wants you to know." I quietly nod "I understand Master San." Jongho reaches over for my other hand "I hope you don't think differently about any of us." I shake my head "Oh no, I understand you have to honor the pact." I get up and start to gather the dishes San turns to look at me "I hope you're not upset Miss y/n." I shake my head "Well, I can't be It's not in my place to be upset. From the looks of it if you don't honor your pact with him I'm sure you'll be in huge trouble." Wooyoung looks at the floor for a second then shakes his head "Yep no, I don't want to think about it. Tomorrow night we're supposed to go find someone new for Draven, Hongjoong told San earlier."

I felt a pit in my stomach knowing someone was about to get killed in my place again. San looks at Wooyoung puts his finger on his lips "Shh, Wooyoung stop. It's making Miss y/n very uncomfortable." San holds my hand and gives me his sweet eye smile "How about I help you wash the dishes Miss y/n, today was alot of people who ate with us." He glances over at Jongho and Wooyoung "Evryeone, say goodbye to Miss y/n" Wooyoung narrows his eyes at San while Jongho sits there slightly confused. Shortly after they excuse themselves and both say their goodbyes while San stays behind and helps me clean up the kitchen and do the dishes.

“I’m so sorry for scaring you like that. I know as a human it’s pretty scary feeling so helpless.” I shake my head while clearing out the stove area “You really don’t need to apologize. It was done with good intentions. If anything I really appreciate you giving me a heads up.” San looks out the window looking at the darkening sky. "even so, I feel like I still need to apologize. It just feels wrong if i don't you know?" He glances down at his hand bubbles gently squeezing the bubbles between his fingers onto a bowl below. “You really are such a sweet person, Seonghwa really does know how to pick them.” I turn to San slightly taken aback "You think so?" He gives me a dimpled smile and pokes my cheek leaving a bubble on my cheek "I know so, I can feel you've been through alot. So I think you deserve someone who will love you and protect you, the way a beautiful girl like you should be treated."

He feels that I've been through alot? If only he really knew. Does that mean he has some sort of variant of being clairvoyant or can he just read my mind? Wait... I look to see a smirking San then I poke his side "You're cheating! You can read my mind! That's not fair!" San lets out a yelp and pouts "It's not cheating if you mean well! I'm just emotionally intelligent! Seonghwa reads your mind all the time why me?! " I part my lips in shock then I cover my face in embarrassment Oh god, he knows about me thinking he's beautiful.. "He wha-" San nervously chuckles and points out the window "Look, it's a legion of cats..." Confused I glance out the window and by the time I look back I see his little cat self running away. "Wait! Master San I thought you were going to help me do the dishes?!"

Later after finishing the dishes and bringing a drink over to Yeosang, I run into Hongjoong. He looks at me slightly suspicious and approaches me hastily "Why were you in that room?" I shake my head "I was just curious, I'm so sorry Master Hongjoong." He sighs and runs his hand through his hair. "Look, Seonghwa reminded me who you are now but that doesn't excuse you going around behind our backs sneaking around into rooms you're specifically supposed to stay out of. You're human, you can't expose yourself to some of these things because they will kill you.

Look what happened last time when you wandered off by yourself." I clench onto the beverage plate tightly trying not to look directly at the man’s clearly upset face "I understand, I'm sorry Master I promise it will never happen again." He pats my head and his voice softens "Good news for you though, we've decided to use someone else as a sacrifice. The only thing is that we hope Draven accepts it." I fidget with the plate in my hands "So, does that mean I get to go home soon?" He clicks his tongue and shakes his head "I'm afraid not, you have to stay here with us."

I nod silently in disappointment. He then looks at me with worry in his eyes "Look, I know what happened with Mingi was really traumatic and it didn't help I was also being a bit rude and going around scaring you. I just didn't know if I could trust you, it wasn't until Seonghwa let me know that you for sure the person he was looking for and you were in fact the girl in the drawing. That's when I realized that I should be nicer since you'll be around here for a long time. So, my apologies for all the misunderstandings. I hope you can forgive me." He holds my hand and puts his other one on top of my free hand "Ahh, Master Hongjoong it's ok I understand." He warmly smiles "Thank you for being so understanding.."

For a few seconds it stays quiet before I decide I need to hear it from the leader himself so I look over at Hongjoong and quietly whisper "So Master, do you know why Master Mingi hates me so much?” he stays quiet for a bit and presses lips into a pained smile "I actually don't know about that one, he's very closed off and usually keeps to himself and distances himself from us alot. The only person he's truly close to is Yunho." Man, Mingi really is unpredictable if his own friends aren't as close to him as they want to. "I see, well I'll let you go now Master your laundry is almost finished I just need to fold it." He gives me an understanding nod "Thank you, you have my permission to leave it in my room when you're finished. "Once Hongjoong is gone I head over to the chapel in search of Yunho. He must be with Mingi. When I open the door and I notice he wasn't in here.

I turn and see Seonghwa standing behind me and I let out a muffled shriek "S-Seonghwa hi, I was just looking for Yunho." He smiles and gently pulls me into a kiss "It's time for your bath my love." I blink and look at him confused "Oh, but it's only 8:30?" He rests his forehead on mine and says "I want to spend extra time with you since I've barely seen you around all day." A flush crept up on my face Oh my gosh what is happening?! "Besides we were in the middle of something earlier remember?" He gently kisses me again, afterwards I swallow the nervous knot in my throat "Oh, of course I remember." He pulls back and he holds my face in his hands "Does that make you uncomfortable my love?" I shake my head "I- Uh no.." He grabs my hand and leads me to his room. It was so romantic looking, the lights being very dim with the red bedding contrasting beautifully with the black Victorian furniture. The room smelled like him too, that same sweet almond vanilla scent that makes me feel warm and safe.

I hear him lock the door behind him and take off his long cape-like jacket in one swift motion, gently hanging it into the matte black coat rack in the corner of the room. Without his cape on I notice he has a small, slim waist. Wow, he looks like a textbook vampire from his hair to his beautiful features, everything a girl could ever want all wrapped up in one being and he's all for me. I mean wha- He glances at me and smirks almost like he really is actually reading my thoughts. He reaches over for me and pulls me over to the bathroom. San was right, he is reading my thoughts.. Everything was set up, from the romantic lighting and ambience to the blood red petals in and leading to the bathtub. Amazed, I look at him not knowing how to react and he says “I hope you like it my love, you deserve to relax and unwind after a long day..” I look at how beautiful the tub is keeping my gaze away from his "I love it, the rose petals were a nice touch.."

He gently tugs on my hand and turns my face towards him "Are you shy?" I nod "I- Yeah, you're just so gorgeous It's hard for me to even look at you." He chuckles "How do you think I feel sweetheart?" He rests his forehead on mine "It's taking so much of me not to ravish you right now." He kisses me and without breaking the kiss he pulls me up onto his arms wrapping my legs around his waist and walks me over to sit me down on the sink. He swiftly undoes my dress, his cold fingertips gently brushing against my warm bare skin. "You're so warm my love." He then slowly pushes my dress off of my shoulders and pulls it off letting it fall onto the floor. He steps back to admire my figure in the lacy bra and panties he chose. "You look delicious.." My cheeks burn causing me to cover myself by pulling him closer to me while he leans into my neck and peppers kisses along my neck and collarbones. He runs his hands up my thighs and squeezes them. I'm going to get railed tonight aren't I? Seonghwa chuckles "I'm most definitely going to enjoy you tonight my love."

The next morning I slowly open my eyes and realize my head is resting on Seonghwa’s chest. Unlike a regular person, whose heart beat would wake you up his was nothing but silence which is slightly off putting. Giving me the urge to look up at him to make sure he was actually real. When I meet his eyes he looks down at me gently stroking my hair and says “Good morning my love, did you sleep well?” I nod then I bury my face in the crook of his neck, still slightly sleepy and he says “I wish we could stay like this forever.” I hum back quietly while he gently kisses the top of my head. After what happened last night it made me realize how much he longed for that moment to be with me. The fact that this beautiful man loved me enough to wait all these years for me. I still can’t believe it. I gently hold his hand to which he laces his fingers between mine “I wish we could too.” I say then he brushes a loose strand of my hair behind my ear and kisses me while he gently rests his hand on my neck and mine on his chest. He pulls me on top of him and without breaking the kiss I pull back.

“As much as I'd love to stay in bed with you for a little while I have to go and finish Master Hongjoong’s laundry from yesterday.” He nods then gently kisses the side of my jaw "That's okay, just stay here with me for a bit." He pulls me to lay on top of him while resting my head on his chest again, only this time his arm was around my waist while the other ran his fingers through my hair. "I'm happy I no longer have to wake up alone, I'm glad I finally found you." I gently boop his nose "Thank you for taking care of me. Hwa." He takes my hand in his and kisses the back of my hand "You've got nothing to thank me for my love. I only showed you how much I love you, because it comes from the deepest most sincere part of me." A small knot forms in my throat as he utters those words, for some reason evreytime he speaks his truth. I still can't believe someone actually feels that way towards me, he seems too unreal. "You know, I kind of feel bad because I feel like I have nothing to offer." Seonghwa tilts my head to face him, and looks at me with slight hurt in his eyes "Don't say such a thing, you have plenty to offer. Your love and respect is more than enough to me. I'm so sorry you might have experienced injustices in your life where you had been giving far too much than what you were receiving but I promise you I won't ever hurt you. I'll be with you forever. and coming from me, that's a long time."

My eyes begin to sting from the tears so I blink them away and bury my face in his neck. Seonghwa chuckles and pats my head "Don't cry my love, it's okay." I let out a slightly embarrassed laugh and wipe my eyes "Don't worry they're happy tears, I'm just moved by your words." He his thumb gently caresses my bottom lip "My age is showing again isn't it?" I shake my head and sit up on his lap "No, I like it. Trust me, people my age are usually stupid more than anything because of how selfish they are, at least you're empathetic and wise. That's very attractive in my eyes." Seonghwa smirks and nods "Alright princess, I'll take your word for it." I glance over at the clock next to Seonghwa's bed and it read "8:15 am" Ah damn, I have to go I need to start cooking for the picnic today or I won't finish in time.. I rest my arms on either side of his head and gently kiss his cheek "Okay, I've got to go now! No peaking in the kitchen until I tell you to.." He pulls me down on top of him again and smiles “Alright my love, if you run into any problems don’t hesitate to look for me okay?” I nod "No problem, you've got my word."

In the garden behind the house I stand outside taking down the laundry that I left to dry the night before due to Hongjoong's special request. While I fold laundry and look at the garden, I realize today is the picnic we planned so I try and fold as fast as my little hands would let me. Eventually when I finish folding the clothes I walk to Hongjoong’s room and drop off his basket of clothes. His room is amazing, but yet somehow still messy so while I was there I decide to do some cleaning up so while cleaning up Hongjoong's desk I notice a stray sheet of paper that appeared to be ripped out of a book that said "The sacred blood of the witch is the elixir of magic and power.” I stand there for a few seconds wondering what that meant then I set the papers into a neat stack. Maybe I shouldn't meddle in his things and just go, I can probably get something out of San or Wooyoung. I carefully clean up the rest of the stray papers and books on the ground and exit his room.

After dropping off Hongjoong's laundry my next stop was the kitchen so I begin to prepare the food and some desserts, shortly after Wooyoung comes into the kitchen and says “It smells delicious, can I help? Remember you promised to let me!” I nod while I prepare the dough for some cookies “If you want you can help me with the food and I’ll do the desserts fair?” he nods and grabs an apron from the kitchen closet. A few minutes later while Wooyoung chops a few vegetables he says in a low voice “We’re getting that sacrifice tonight Miss y/n. If you don’t mind is it okay if you help us?” As soon as Wooyoung uttered those words my hands ran cold. Immediately I turn and look at Wooyoung and I slightly stammer “I-I don’t know if that’s a great idea Master Wooyoung.” He slightly raises his eyebrow and says “And why is that?” I begin to fidget with my hands then I look out the kitchen window “I can’t do that knowing you guys will kill that poor person because of me.” Wooyoung sets the knife down he then turns to me and puts his hands on my shoulders “But we have to go through with the sacrifice, especially if you want to stay alive. We just need your help to keep them calm that’s all, you won’t see the moment that person is sacrificed.”

I shake my head then I turn and look at Wooyoung “I can’t. Knowing that person is going to die because of me doesn’t sit right with me at all.” He sighs “But that person’s death is what’s going to keep you alive. I’m not supposed to tell you this but if Draven gets a hold of you, his power levels will increase and we really don’t want that. That man is already dangerous as it is.” I blink then a confused expression grows onto my face “What do you mean me? Is there something wrong with me?” He puts his hand on his hips and the other one gently tugging his dark hair clearly regretting he even said anything to begin with. ”Okay, look. So, you have a relative from a few hundred years ago who was a very powerful witch her name was Ursula but she was known as Sorceress Ursula. She was very well known among the underworld community which is why you're probably not very aware of it. So obviously, you being related to a witch especially a very powerful one you have literal magic running through your veins, the thing is Draven is not aware you’re related to her right now but once he smells your blood he’ll instantly know then you’ll be in big trouble.”

I swear I feel like a normal human I don’t get it, I’m most definitely not liking where this is going either. ”It's not just you who's going to be in trouble though so are we. Seonghwa for falling in love with a witch and us for helping him keep you alive. Witches and Vampires are forbidden to fall in love due to the fact that we are undead and to witches vampires are a perversion of life itself or in other words we aren't natural. We are not meant to be alive despite being considered dead." So Seonghwa is risking not only his life but his friends as well all because he loves me. I have to at least help out, I don’t want Seonghwa or my friends to get in trouble because of me. I sigh “Alright Master Wooyoung I’ll help.” He smiles and hugs me tight “Thank you so much, also please don’t tell anyone not even Seonghwa about what I told you.” The oven dings causing both of us to jump so I pull away and hurriedly get the oven mitts and I take out the other batch of cookies ”Don’t worry, I won’t say anything I promise. It'll stay safe with me.”

A few hours later San comes in with Jongho then he cheekily smiles “Can I have a cookie?” I nod and hand him the plate of cookies “Sure but just one, we have to eat first.” he takes one and puts it in his mouth “Oh my, these are delicious.” he chews on the cookie while he takes another plate of sweets and heads outside to put them on the picnic table. Jongho smiles and walks over to me and shyly nods his head “Good afternoon Miss y/n I hope making all these treats and food wasn’t too much of a hassle for you.” I smile and shake my head “Oh, no worries Master Wooyoung helped me, it was very nice to have someone help me but something funny is that I found out he’s actually a very good cook.” he steps over to the pots of food on the stove “Well, I’m glad it wasn’t an inconvenience for you, I can’t wait to taste all of these they smell delicious.” I smile then I hand him a pot of food to take outside “I’m honestly excited for the food too. I kinda skipped breakfast and I'm starving.” I grab another pot of food and we both head outside eventually fixing everything and setting everything up. I look at the table then I realize I forgot the tea so I walk back inside the kitchen and I notice Yunho In the kitchen with Yeosang heading outside to the picnic.

Oh my gosh Yunho. Maybe I could ask him about Mingi. Both Yunho and Yeosang say hi with Yeosang following up with “Miss y/n, Wooyung let me know about the picnic today. If I may ask will there be blood?” I nod “Yes Master Yeosang I prepared a pitcher full of pure blood but we will also be having some blood tea, Masters San, Jongho and Wooyung really enjoy that one as well so don’t worry. I also have a feeling the menu will be to your liking with blood since Wooyoung helped me prepare a special blood sauce to go with the food.” A small smile appears on his beautifully angelic face then he says “Ah, alright then sounds great. Come on Yunho let’s go get some food, I haven’t eaten human food in a few decades” I glance over at Yunho then I blurt out “Actually Master Yeosang, I have a question to ask Yunho we’ll catch up to you in a little.”

He nods and heads outside towards the beautiful gazebo where the picnic is being held. Yunho then turns his attention towards me then says “So, what exactly is your question Miss y/n? I also hope you’re doing okay from yesterday’s attack.” I look down and tightly grip the side of my dress then I fidget with my hands “I’m doing a bit better, still very much freaked out though. Although my question actually has to do with the attack. Master Yunho, why did Mingi attack me?” Yunho averts his gaze from mine for a few seconds then looks back at me “Well, Mingi is just sort of a younger vampire who can’t control himself and you happened to upset him when he noticed you were in that room. Thus, creating a very dangerous mix of elements.” His guard is up, I have to try harder. “Well that makes sense but even before that I sensed Master Mingi didn’t like me.” Yunho looks out the window clearly worried about all the questions being asked “Well, Mingi has always had trouble opening up to people just give him time and he’ll warm up to you.” I shake my head “I’m sorry Master but I have a feeling It goes far beyond him acting cold towards me, he literally almost killed me.”

Yunho slightly leans onto the kitchen counter almost leveling his height to mine “It’s just like what I said earlier, him being a young vampire and him being terrible at controlling himself is the reason why he attacked.” Hongjoong and Seonghwa are talking in the distance then Yunho quickly walks off outside with the rest of the guys leaving me alone in the kitchen until a few seconds later Hongjoong and Seonghwa enter the kitchen. Immediately I play off my interaction with Yunho by grabbing the tea kettles “Oh hello Master Hongjoong, hi Seonghwa I was just getting some blood tea for you guys and regular tea for myself.” Hongjoong waves and grabs a tray of cookies on the counter "Hello there Miss y/n I'll be taking this outside" He gives me a kind smile and leaves Seonghwa and I alone.

“I can help you my love” He reaches for one of the kettles from my hands “Oh, careful it's hot.” I say while I make sure the kettle doesn't touch his skin. Seonghwa glances down at me then smiles "You're so precious, you know that?" I cover one of my ears with my available hand hiding bright red ear and he chuckles "Your shyness is telling me you agree with my words." I look down slightly embarrassed "I'm just still in shock someone as sweet and loving as you has been waiting for me all these years." He kisses the top of my head and pulls my shoulder onto his chest "Which is why now I'm going to make up for all that time I lost not being with you." I raise my eyebrow with a cheeky smile "Well, I hope you enjoy being with all wrinkly old woman Sir." Seonghwa tilts my chin up looking deep into my eyes "Just know no matter how much time changes you, just know my love for you will never change." I meant that as a joke but why do I feel like crying? This knot in my throat... Unable to speak Seonghwa gently kisses my forehead and smiles "Let's go, I'm sure you're very hungry after all that cooking." We both walk outside towards the gazebo and I begin to pour tea in their tea cups then San says “Oh, hey Miss y/n don’t worry about pouring tea just sit and eat comfortably, after all we’re all sitting here enjoying a meal as friends even though it might be a little weird since we’re not exactly human.”

I set down the tea pot and I sit down “That’s okay, friends are friends. I mean you guys were human at one point in your lives so that counts.” I serve myself a plate then I look around “The garden is beautiful and so is this gazebo but from the looks of it it’s rarely ever used.” Jongho says “Oh yeah, usually just me and San are the ones that come out here. I really like to look at the graden and sing.” after swallowing a spoonful of food San says “I like to come out here and play in my cat form it’s so fun being able to run around since Hongjoong and Seonghwa don’t let me do it inside.” I pick up the floral golden rimmed tea cup and take a sip “Oh I’m sure being a cat must be fun. It must feel nice being so free, but how come none of you guys burst into flames when we came outside? Aren't vampires deathly allergic to the sun?”

The guys look at each other and laugh as if I've said the most hilarious thing even until Hongjoong clears his throat “Well, the sun severely hurts our eyes Miss y/n. The whole catching on fire or having sparkling skin thing is a myth. The only way to kill us really is by a stab in the heart with a wooden or silver steak, beheading or burning is also an option.” Well, that's gruesome, I didn't think he'd mention that so nonchalantly. I slowly nod “Ah, that explains the sunglasses then? So how often do you guys need to feed? Is that an everyday thing or..” Everyone looks over at Seonghwa then he gently pats my head and says “Well, to be truthful we only need to feed at least once a week or every 3 days, meaning we each feed an average of 52 times in a year maybe a little more.” Wow that’s kind of a lot, 52 victims every year. With Draven involved though I'm sure the amount of victims is double the amount of death.

Seonghwa gently reaches over to hold my hand Wooyoung then smirks and says “The thing is though when a vampire falls in love with a human their thirst for their blood becomes very strong.” My hands grow cold then San turns to Wooyoung and smacks his arm “Hey, Wooyoung don’t tell her that you’ll freak her out. I’m sure she still doesn’t trust us like that yet..” Seonghwa gently squeezes my hand “Do you trust me Miss y/n?” His green and gold eyes look right at me very tenderly with no trace of malice. “Of course I trust you, I’m just still a bit scared from what happened. So knowing you might eat me in any second kinda scares me a bit. especially since um..” Oh my god, no wonder he would get extra riled up when he was anywhere near my neck last night. I glance at the rest of the vampires at the table then back over at Seonghwa who gently kisses my forehead and chuckles keeping his cool “I would never do that sweetheart, I love you too much.” Yeosang then says “You don’t have to worry about Seonghwa not controlling himself, he keeps his vampiric instincts under control very well.”

Wooyoung then cheekily smiles “Guys, I’ve never seen Seonghwa look at anyone like that, I like it, he looks less scary.” Yeosang shoots him a look then smiles “I mean when you’ve been looking for your soul mate for most of your vampire life then you finally find them I’m sure you’d act the same way.” Yunho looks over at Seonghwa and says “I know you’re happy but please keep an eye on her if something happens to her before we can get to her I really don’t want to think about it.” Seonghwa looks over at me then turns to Yunho slightly annoyed “Actually my dear Yunho, Mingi needs to be the one who's careful he should know better. Just because he’s a younger vampire doesn’t excuse him attacking people. he doesn't intend to feed on.” Yunho looks over at Hongjoong almost pleading him to step in but in return Hongjoong shrugs and says “He’s right, that can’t be an excuse. Look at Jongho, he's the youngest and he controls himself very well.” Yunho sighs in frustration then says “How can you just be on the witch’s side?! I’m sorry but you guys out of anyone here know how hard it is for Mingi to control himself. ”

Everyone turns and looks at Yunho in shock I then feel Seonghwa’s hand clench I hold his arm and gently squeeze it then he responds in a low tone “Yunho, don’t ever disrespect Miss y/n like that ever again.” Yunho grows a very sullen expression “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t stand hearing you guys say those things about Mingi. I promise Miss y/n he’s a great person. It’s just that…” He looks over at everyone for a second then he looks back at me “MIngi doesn’t like you because of your witches descent...You’re a witch.” Hongjoong gets up and grabs Yunho by the arm “Alright come on Yunho, you’ve said enough today.” I know Wooyoung told me earlier but hearing him say it that way makes me realize I'm somewhere I shouldn’t be. I have a feeling I’m going to die here.

While Hongjoong escorts Yunho back to the house I sit there in shock and embarrassment. Seonghwa pulls me close and gently pats my head and without thinking I say “I honestly wish I was gone. Ever since I arrived here I’ve brought so many problems to you guys, you especially Seonghwa. I’m so sorry.” He gently kisses the top of my head and gently strokes my cheek “No, it’s not your fault please don’t say that. From the day you were born I hoped to have you in my arms that’s how much I love you. Being born of a witch's descent isn’t your fault at all, to me you’re just human.” San, Jongho, Yeosang and Wooyoung walk over to me and Seonghwa. Jongho puts his hand on my shoulder and gently squeezes it he then sits next to me and holds my hand “I also am glad you were born because who else Is going to cheer on my singing?”

San moves some plates aside and sits on the table “Yes, and who else is going to play with me or give me really delicious snacks. Only you Miss y/n” Wooyoung then says “If you weren’t here I'd have no one to test recipes for, you’re also an amazing cooking buddy. It’s really fun cooking with you.” And finally Yeosang says “Not to mention if you weren’t here I'd have no one to help me out with experiments since none of these guys ever want to help.” I sigh “I’m so sorry for being selfish, but please understand where I'm coming from. I’m terrified just being here, don’t get me wrong being with you guys has its upsides because if I'm honest in the back of my mind there’s always that thought that maybe one day i’ll end up dead. I’m just a mere human, I’m not a witch I don’t have powers or powerful spells.”

Seonghwa slightly smiles and turns my face towards him “As long as I'm here I'll protect you with my life so you have nothing to worry about.” San looks over at the other guys then says “Us too, I know we just met not long ago but we’re all so fond of you now so don’t mind grouchy Mingi. We’ll protect you.” San then turns into his cat form and walks over to me purring and rubbing his tiny head on my arm I gently pick him up put him on my lap and pet him. My throat grows a heavy knot but not one of sadness but one of happiness and slowly my vision blurs and tears well up in my eyes. “Thank you so much…” I gently hug San in my arms while Seonghwa wipes away my tears “Oh no, don’t cry my love.” I smile and shake my head “I’m sorry I'm such a crybaby it was just happy tears.” Everyone else smiles then Jongho says “How about we help Miss y/n clean up?” I put San on the table and I get up and pick up all the plates “All the dirty dishes can go in the sink I'll wash them when I’m finished packing up all the food” they nod and take the pots of food inside San stays behind then turns back into his regular form “About what Yunho said, just ignore that. He got a bit emotional because he’s really close friends with Mingi.”

“It’s okay, I know I'm a witch by blood he wasn’t wrong about that, It just hurts because of the way he said it. I thought he was my friend and I’d never thought he’d say those things, but I totally understand I honestly would have stood up for my best friend too.” San sighs then grabs a cookie from the plate and takes a bite “True, but he didn’t have to use the fact that you’re a witch against you it’s like getting upset because fire is hot. It makes no sense because you can’t change who you are although I do think the fact that vampires and witches have a strong rivalry against each other plays a strong role as to why they’re acting that way especially Mingi, for him everything that Draven says he follows. Draven hates witches but he loves the power that comes with them so when he drinks their blood he favors that over human blood any day.”

San picks up some pots of food and we walk back towards the kitchen. He leans over close to me and says “Do you need help with the dishes again?” I shake my head and smile “Oh no, it’s okay Master San you can just bring me the remaining food from outside besides I'm sure you need to rest and prepare yourself for um… That thing happening tonight.” He looks over at Seonghwa, Wooyoung, Jongho and Yeosang talking to eachother while they bring in the rest of the food then San gives me an eye smile and says in a low whisper “Oh right, I almost forgot about that it’s today.” The rest of the boys walk into the kitchen and set the remaining food onto the kitchen table then Wooyoung says “Forgot about what San?” San then turns to Wooyoung and awkwardly smiles “Oh you know, that thing that’s happening tonight” Seonghwa then says “Oh, did you let Miss y/n in on what we’re doing?” Wooyoung nods and says “Yes, I told her this morning and she says it’s okay.”

Seonghwa looks over at me slightly worried “Are you sure you want to do this my love? I don’t want you to get scared over what happens or you know see us in a different light.” I force a smile and hold Seonghwa’s hand “It’s okay, I understand. You guys are in a pact after all and the last thing I want is for you guys to get in trouble so I decided it’ll be best I help and not be useless. I need to put my personal feelings aside.” Yeosang then says “I don’t know if Wooyoung told you this but please try not to get attached to this person, I know you’ll probably want to make friends with someone but It’s best you don’t we don’t want to risk an escapee.” I nod “Yes Master Yeosang understood.” Yeosang puts his hands on my shoulders his ruby red eyes looking into mine "Seriously, you cannot get attached Miss y/n, no matter how kind they are and how much you want to comfort them do not get attached." Huh, I wonder why...

☽ ──── ༺𖤐༻ ──── ☾

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Tag List: @tunaasan @watermelon2319 @thanxx1117

I work super hard on these so please reblog!🔁✨

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#ateez angst #ateez series #ateez x reader #park seonghwa x reader #ateez imagine #ateez fanfiction #kpop imagines #vampire ateez #vampire au

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fitfmybeloved · 3 years

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#showyourprocess

From planning to posting, share your process for making creative content!

To continue supporting content makers, this tag game is meant to show the entire process of making creative content: this can be for any creation.

RULES - When your work is tagged, show the process of its creation from planning to posting, then tag up to 5 people with a specific link to one of their creative works you’d like to see the process of. Use the tag #showyourprocess so we can find yours.

@thosefookinavacados tagged me to show the process behind this edit. Check out their explanation behind this amazing artwork!

1. Planning

The request given to me was a visual representation of how I see canyon moon, and honestly this was something I personally have been trying to do for a while, especially since it was one of my favourites from the album. I figured I wanted to make it sort of like a diary/journal entry, as if someone went on a trip to the canyon and then made an entry on it.

2. Finding the pictures

Once again, one of the more difficult stages for me, but I got through it. As I said before, I tend to take literal stuff mentioned in the song and then some not so literal ones, this time, the canyon moon, the ‘yellow door’ and the record player were literal parts. The others I just felt fit the aesthtic of the song very well.

3. Creating

I use canva for all my edits, and I used it for this one too. I uploaded the pictures and adjusted the colouring to make them all match. These are the unedited pictures.

and this is after adjusting some of them.

It still looked sort of *raw* and it didn’t look like polaroids/picuters so I picked out this picutre:

I then cropped it, increased the transparency and placed them above each picutre. I’ve also used this for the background, except I adjusted it to give it a more brownish tinge to make it look more like paper, I guess.

The writing I wanted it to be in cursive to fit the journal idea I had in mind, so I picked the BDScript and made it bold as well. I made it this grey-ish blue to make it look more like ink.

4. Posting

I’m pretty sure I posted it right away, since I have no patience at all when it comes to this stuff. So yeah, that edit was done!

tagging

@badreputatiom for this edit! (i loved that whole series!!)

@loulovehome for this iconic harry edit!

@killmygoldenn for this incredible one!

@sourdiesel for this amazingg artwork!! (so obsessed with it!)

@zi-shu for this pretty pretty moodboard!

(no obligations ofc!!)

#thank you for the tag!!#showyourprocess #ugh so many great content creators #this show your process thing is so good ive already learned so much honestly #i hope what ive said makes sense #i kinda had to deconstruct that edit and figure out wth i did tbh

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captain-kingliamsqueen · 4 years

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Diary of A Star Crossed Lover Part 2

just a short series ...well not really a series...but still a series! , that ive been working on! there are a few series i’’ve had to put on hold as im just not feeling them right now, and i only want to put my best out for you to read! hope you enjoy this series as much as i have enjoyed writing it!

Pairing: Liam x Riley, Liam x MC

Summary: Liam dives into riley most inner thoughts and dreams...

Word Count: 2,655

Masterlist

ASK IF YOU WANT TAGGED! SORRY IF I MISSED ANYONE!

I always notice every single spelling mistake or issue after I’ve posted…so apologies in advance!

Tags aren’t working so I will be tagging in the comments. Ive tried to tag everyone, please don’t hesitate to msg and let me know if i forgot to tag you!

June 14th

Dear Diary…

Here I am…sitting in the middle of a foreign country…Cordonia, When Maxwell appeared at my apartment and asked me if I wanted to come to Cordonia and compete for Liam's hand in marriage…I mean…is there really a choice in the matter…stay and be a waitress for the rest of my life…come and have the time of my life, with an amazing guy! I’ve never been one to shoot my shot or anything, but this is a once in a lifetime chance, Liam is Amazing, Exciting and extremely handsome, how could I possibly say no?

Love you Muchly…Riley x

Liam placed Riley's diary down on the table as Drake entered his office.

“Drake” Liam greeted him.

“Hey, I just came to see if we’re still on for Poker night tomorrow?”

“I’ll have to postpone for about 30 minutes but we’re definitely still on for it!!”

“alright, I just wanted to check, I’ll let you get back to whatever it was you were doing”

After Drake left, Liam lifted the diary again.

June 26th

Dear Diary,

After the derby and the picnic today, we all went out for cronuts, I can’t believe they’ve never tried them! getting to spend some time with Liam was amazing, even though there were others there, just getting to be with him outside of the court was just amazing. My heart just about jumped out of my body, when we were sitting in the café, and I felt his fingers brush my hand, then his hand linked with mine, he gave it a gentle squeeze then smiled when I looked at him. God I love his smile!

Love you Muchly…Riley x

Liam smirked as he turned the page over,

June 27th

Dear Diary,

Today we are heading to Lythikos, Olivia’s neck of the woods. She has the upper hand here; I need to be careful. Well that’s what Max said anyway…I kind of like Olivia, she’s a strong, bold woman…I cant fault her for that, I mean of course she could be a little nicer but, I think she and I could maybe get along one day.

The thing that scares me about this whole situation…is I’m falling in love with Liam…but it doesn’t matter…its all down to who he chooses, so we could get to the end of the social season and he chooses one of the other ladies…I feel like a prize to be won…I’m not sure how I feel about that… I’m no one’s trophy, and I know there’s no ill intent on Liam's part, but in the end…it’s his decision that’s going to either make or break my life…if I am the one he chooses, I become his wife, the countries queen! But if he chooses someone else, I go home, with nothing, just the embarrassment of going home, known as the “foolish” woman who followed a total stranger to a foreign country after spending a few hours together, hoping he would fall in love with her. I want to believe he will choose me, he has never given me reason to think he wouldn’t, but at the same time, I have to be realistic, I have only known Liam for a matter of weeks…

If it’s a choice of fear or hope…I think ill choose hope, hope that Liam is feeling the same amazing connection that I am, from the moment we met I felt some kind of magnetic pull towards him, and I know he felt it too…I don’t want to live in fear of what might possibly happen, I want to have hope…that he’s falling in love with me too.

Love you Muchly…Riley x

A frown found itself upon Liam's face as he reread the last entry, she was right…the ladies were basically put on a buffet table for him to take his pick of whoever he wanted… Riley had very rarely spoken about her thoughts if Liam wasn’t to choose her, was she really that scared that he wouldn’t and that’s why she didn’t mention it, or did she just have that much faith in him? he loved her from the minute they met, he would choose her over any woman in the world, without a pause for thought, it was always Riley, and he would spend the rest of his life, showing her, she was always the one, she will always be the one for him.

He turned the page over and began the next entry.

27th June

Dear Diary…

I’ve been here just about two weeks and my god, it is AMAZING! I mean, I wish I could spend so much more time with Liam but he says he has to spend time with the other girls too so it doesn’t look to obvious…I won’t lie, I won’t deny it…it makes me kind of jealous, I wish I could spend every day with that man, whenever I’m around him I just feel…free…I feel like I don’t have to hide anything, I don’t feel self-conscious, I don’t feel anxious, or nervous! He just makes me feel at peace. I’ve never felt so comfortable just being in a room with someone. We managed to sneak a kiss or two, I want to spend the rest of my life feeling the way his kisses make me feel. when Olivia kissed Liam…boy did my heart sink, I know he didn’t want to kiss her, he told me that himself, but seeing someone else kiss him just made me feel…some kind of way. He invited me up to his room after the ball, which I happily agreed to! I could never turn down more time with Liam. When I arrived at his room and he had lit candles oh my goodness, I don’t think ive ever had someone be that romantic…when I asked him and he blushed, my god! Liam and I spent ages in the hot tub, we kissed, we y’know…messed around a little bit and we had a real deep conversation about love, about life, Ive never seen him as relaxed than he was last night. Being in his arms…it just felt so right. When we got out of the hot tub and he made us hot chocolate to sit and drink Infront of the fire, its just turning 2am and I’m only just getting back, if I’d stayed any longer the two of us would have fell asleep, as much as we would have both loved that, it wouldn’t have looked very good anyone seen I was leaving Liam's room, in his clothes after spending the night with him then stayed over. Let it be known, if we could have…we would have.

Love you Muchly…Riley

Liam grinned as he remembered that night all too well. That night he spent with Riley was one of the best nights he ever had.

June 27th

Riley sat with her eyes closed, cuddled into Liam's chest, with his arms wrapped around her. The hot bubbly, steamy water keeping them warm on the cold night. Liam pressed a gentle kiss to Riley's head “Riley?” he whispered, as he gently ran his hand through her hair. “yeah” she replied

“What does Love mean to you?” Liam gently traced his fingers over her cheek as he looked down to see her so relaxed. Riley opened her eyes as she looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile.

“Love means accepting you for who they are, and not wanting to change you. it means loving you and standing by you through the worst times. It means loving you even when you are in a bad mood, or too tired to do the things I want to do. It means loving you when you’re down, not just when you’re fun to be with. Love means, that I know you’re deepest secrets and do not judge you for them, asking in return that you do not judge me for mine, it means that I care enough to fight for what we have and that I love you enough not to let go, it means thinking of you, dreaming of you, wanting and needing you constantly and hoping…just hoping that you feel the same way for me …I think Love is just a word…until someone comes along and gives it meaning, and when that someone comes along, Love becomes this…whole new adventure.”

“Riley…” Liam whispered with a smile as he leaned in placing the sweetest kiss on her lips, her fingers lacing through the hair on the back of his neck.

Not long later, Liam whispered, breaking the peaceful silence that the two had fell into.

“do you want to get some hot chocolate and we can sit in front of the fireplace?”

“that sounds like a great idea”

Liam climbed out of the hot tub, then offered Riley his hand to help her out. She thanked him as he lifted a towel and wrapped it around her, then got himself one.

“I don’t have any dry clothes Liam; I only have my dress”

“I’m sure I have something you can put on” Liam assured her. They made their way into Liam's bedroom; Liam went to his suitcase where he pulled out a t shirt and a pair of shorts.

“I hope these are alright for you”

“they’re perfect, thank you”

Riley moved into the bathroom where she changed out of her soaking undergarments and into the fresh, dry clothes then she made her way back into the bedroom. Liam was in a pair of grey shorts and a plain white t shirt; he was stood in his little kitchenette just finishing the hot chocolate. He brought them over to Riley, placing them on the floor beside where he had sat some cushions on the floor for them. Riley sat down, whilst Liam grabbed a blanket from the bed, he sat beside Riley, wrapping his arm along with the blanket around her.

The two spent the next while sipping away at their hot beverages.

By the time the clock hit 1am, there were two empty mugs, Riley sat cuddled into Liam's chest, drifting in and out of sleep. Whilst Liam sat running his fingers through Riley's hair, their legs entangled under the blanket that had made its way round to lay over their legs, Liam could barely keep his eyes open.

“we can’t fall asleep” he whispered as he held her that little bit tighter.

“I know…we’re just resting our eyes for a little bit” Riley smiled tiredly “I should head back to my room soon”

“I wish you didn’t have to; I could lay here with you all night”

“me too, but sadly it’s the way it has to be”

Liam nearly caved that night; it took everything he had in him to stop himself from just climbing into bed and falling asleep beside the woman he was falling deeply in love with. With a grin on his face just thinking about the night, he closed the diary over, then he got up and headed out of his office and down to the royal quarters. He always had this diary with him, every chance he got, he would read a page or two. He wanted to really understand how Riley felt through the whole social season and engagement to madeleine.

Liam had made plans to have dinner with Riley, well made plans as in, on the plane after they got engaged Liam told Riley, they would never have to eat dinner alone again, so every night since and every night going forwards the two had dinner together. Once Liam got to the apartment, he showered then changed into some more comfortable clothes before heading down to Riley's room where one of the staff would be bringing the two take out. Liam and Riley sat on the sofa, with the tv on in the background whilst they ate.

“so, I was thinking about wedding cake earlier” Riley stated as she put a shovel of Chinese noodles into her mouth

“really? You have something in mind?”

“Lemon cake…” she grinned

“that’s a great idea, I think it will go down really well with everyone!

“I was also thinking maybe we could go for a walk on the beach after dinner, if you don’t have any engagements that is”

“nope, I cleared the night, I would love to go for a walk on the beach with you”

After the two finished their food, they wrapped up and pulled their shoes on then headed down to Liam's car, with Bastian following closely behind in the SUV, they made their way to the beachfront.

“it’s so cold…but it’s so peaceful” Riley whispered, she squeezed Liam's hand as she cuddled into his side.

“so, I’ve been reading your diary” Liam whispered

“you have?” Riley grinned with a soft blush hitting her cheeks.

“I have, I wasn’t going to, I wanted to respect your privacy, but then…I wanted to fully understand what you went through, how you felt.”

“so how far have you got?”

“just earlier today I was reading about the night we spent in the hot tub in lythikos”

Riley smirked when he mentioned it. “one of the best nights I had, that was one of the first nights I felt truly connected to you, we had no interruptions, no engagements, he really talked and got to know each other a little better… just us”

“me too” he smiled as he squeezed her hand.

The two sat down on the sand, Riley sat between Liam's legs leaning back into his chest.

“do you have it with you?”

“your diary?”

“yeah” she smirked

“yes, I have it”

“we should read some”

“right now?”

“yeah right here, whilst we have peace and quiet”

Liam pulled the small book from the inside pocket of his jacket. He flipped the book open and began to read.

June 29th

Dear Diary

I had the best day at the beach, there was a sailing competition, then we spent the day on the sand, I got burnt to a crisp and I don’t even mind! Liam hates sailing, when he told me he only really takes part because his father’s love for boats is most important than his dislike for them! He is so selfless and kind…ive never met anyone that would put as many people before themselves as he does. He’s a really good man! What I did learn though, is my hopefully soon to be husband doesn’t like the taste of salt water, I’m not surprised!

Liam chuckled as he remembered his awful boat ride with Drake.

Today was the day Liam found out his father would be stepping down as king at the end of the social season, meaning, he would be choosing a wife and becoming king all at the one time. I really felt for him, his profession can’t be easy, being rushed into finding a wife, then being told he only had a few weeks before he would have the weight of the kingdom on his shoulders, it’s an extremely stressful situation and I hope I have shown him, that if he ever needs someone to just sit and listen or just distract him for a little bit, I will be there, no matter what.

Liam took me to the forgotten falls, my god it was absolutely stunning there, and the story behind it was just…wow! Two people forbidden from falling in love with each other…sounds all too familiar…though I’m sure Liam and I won’t let anyone get in our way. When Liam said he wanted us to take the leap of faith off the edge of the waterfall, I couldn’t say no!

When he kissed me in the water…my god, it was like no other kiss ive had before! Then he nearly said he loved me…god I wish he had…because I love him too.

Love you muchly…Riley x

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sanderssidesfanfiction · 3 years

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If There’s a Place I Could Be - Chapter Fourteen

If There’s a Place I Could Be Tag

December 23rd, 1994

Emile hugged his cousin Ella as she barreled towards him, nearly sending them both sprawling flat on the ground. “You’re getting really big, Ella. Pretty soon I won’t be able to pick you up anymore!”

“Aw, no!” Ella exclaimed.

Emile laughed. “I said ‘pretty soon,’ meaning you should milk it while you can,” he said, picking Ella up and settling her on his hip.

She shrieked with laughter and Emile grinned. He enjoyed having this time to spend with his family. He wondered if he would have a family of his own some day, for a brief moment, but he put that thought out of his head. That was something to worry about in the future. For now, he could just enjoy the family he currently had.

December 24th, 2000

Emile admittedly felt a little scummy. He had tried not to, because Remy had insisted he would be okay, but he still didn’t want to leave his friend alone in their apartment for Christmas break. Remy wasn’t going back to his parents’ place, thank goodness, because Emile wouldn’t have been able to let him go there alone in good conscience, but he refused Emile’s invitation to come home to see his parents and celebrate Christmas with them.

Still, Emile was trying to not let it get to him. Christmas was when all his extended family on his mom’s side went to his grandfather’s, meaning he’d get to see his cousins, aunts, uncles, and everyone in between! He was getting to sit on one of the couches and talk to his mom’s biological brother, and just talk about everything that had happened over the course of the last semester. “...And they tried to force him to switch his major!” Emile exclaimed. “Like, sure, if he wanted to do it himself, I would have supported him, but if his parents were making it a part of the deal for him getting their continued support? That’s a below-the-belt shot.”

“Yeah,” his uncle agreed. “It sounds really tough. I’m glad that you’re there for him.”

Emile shrugged. “I like to think he would have done this sooner or later without my help, but part of me knows that even if he tried, he wouldn’t have gotten this far. Honestly, that scares me, you know?”

“What scares you?” one of his younger cousins asked.

Emile craned his head back over the top of the couch to find Ella standing there, staring at him. “How little options my best friend had in this hypothetical situation I set up.”

“Why are you worried about your best friend in a hypothetical situation?” Ella asked.

“Because if one thing went wrong, it could have been the real situation. I get it’s in the past, but that doesn’t stop the feeling of cheating death.”

Ella squinted at him. “You’re weird, Emile.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Emile waved off. “But what I feel is what I feel. Can’t exactly help it.”

Ella shrugged and walked away, and Emile turned back to his uncle, to find himself the subject of a searching stare. “...Can I help you?” he asked.

“Cheating death is an interesting word choice. Did you cheat death?” his uncle asked.

Emile shrugged. “Some days it definitely feels like that.”

His uncle whistled. “Good thing you’re friends with this guy, Emile. You have to be the best support he could ask for.”

“Eh,” Emile said with a shrug. “A professional could probably give him more help, if only he’d willingly reach out and accept. But yeah, I’m really glad that I got to move to an apartment with him. Less loans for me, and less depression for him.”

“And you both can afford rent?” his uncle asked.

“Yeah,” Emile said. “He’s picked up a second job at a local coffee shop out there, so he’s working two barista jobs for a little extra cash. I’m starting a new job the second of January at Target, so we can both pay for rent, and I can help with food if needed.”

His uncle nodded approvingly. “Then it seems like you have everything set up,” he said.

“Yeah, I’m actually really excited,” Emile said.

“What do you think you’re going to do when you graduate?” his uncle asked. “Are you planning to continue living with your friend? Especially if he can’t afford his own place?”

“I hadn’t thought about that...” Emile said, words soft and trailing off near the end. “I guess I might, or at the very least I’d help him get a new roommate. But I wouldn’t worry about that for a while yet. After all, I’m going there for three and a half more years at least, before grad school comes around. Hopefully by that time, even if I do need to move, he’ll be more receptive to knowing people other than me.”

“That sheltered, is he?” his uncle asked.

“I don’t think that’s the right term,” Emile said. “He’s certainly been exposed to plenty of ugly things in his life. ‘Closed-off’ would probably be a better descriptor for it.”

His uncle leaned forward. “How ugly are we talking?”

“I’m not comfortable going into specifics, because I don’t have the full picture, but ugly enough,” Emile said. “He worries me a lot. Thankfully he’s safe over the course of the break, but I wish he would have hung out with some friends, or came here with me as a friend. Honestly, no one should really spend the holidays alone if they don’t want to. And I’m almost positive he doesn’t want to.”

His uncle frowned. “Did you try and insist?”

“If I had done that, he probably would have stormed out of the apartment and never returned,” Emile sighed. “So I’m stuck offering the same things over and over in the hopes that he’ll take them.”

His uncle chewed his cheek but nodded, and soon it was time for dinner. The whole family gathered around the table, enjoying the meal and each other’s company. Emile was mostly successful in keeping the attention off him and Remy with their living situation. Not that he didn’t enjoy talking about Remy, but he didn’t want his whole family scrutinizing his friend when Remy wasn’t even here to defend himself.

They all eventually finished dinner, and then it came time to open up gifts. His cousins mostly got things for their hobbies, like sketch pads and charcoal, or notebooks for writing. One of the boys, Johnny, even got a book full of science experiments to try. They went from youngest cousin to oldest, and soon enough it was Emile’s turn to open whatever he had gotten. His parents came over first, and his dad was snickering as he passed a brown package over to Emile. “This came in the mail for you the other day,” he said. “It had to be a day or two before you came home.”

Emile looked at the return address and groaned. “Remy. Of course he would send me something so I wouldn’t object to him spending money on me in person.”

He opened the package with scissors, to find something wrapped up in wrapping paper inside. He frowned, tearing into the paper. His entire face lit up when he saw what Remy got him. “Oh, it’s She-Ra episodes!” he laughed. “I don’t believe it!”

His whole family laughed, but he just held the gift close to his chest. His family had never heard Remy insult Emile’s interest in cartoons, but this meant that he was coming around to the concept of Emile liking said cartoons. He was changing, even if it only meant keeping his opinions to himself and indulging Emile in this particular field of interest. Which was huge, in Emile’s book.

After setting that gift reverently to the side, Emile opened the presents from his parents (a cartoon-themed calendar), his aunts and uncles (fuzzy socks, and a few novels he had mentioned he’d been meaning to read), and his grandfather (an age-old classic of a leather notebook), and let the adults exchange gifts while he looked around for a pen, so he could start up his new notebook.

He made a triumphant noise when he found one hiding behind the punch, forgotten with some company logo on it that Emile didn’t recognize. This was a pen that wouldn’t be missed, and he decided he may as well use it to start off his new journal. He found a small corner in his grandfather’s house where he was unlikely to be disturbed, and opened up the journal to the first page. The trick with this would be figuring out what to write. He didn’t do traditional journalling, talking about his day in a “Dear Diary” sort of fashion. But he didn’t always repeat what he had done in previous journals, provided previous journals even had a theme. Emile had been getting these from his grandfather for literal years, he knew it was coming, and yet he hadn’t figured out how he was going to fill up this journal yet.

In an instant, a solution hit him over the head. He could write imaginary letters to his friends in order to sort through his emotions, and anything else that happened to occur between whenever he last wrote through to the present. And he knew exactly who his first entry would be to:

Dear Remy,

Thank you for the She-Ra episodes, it really means a lot to me. I know you would shrug it off as not being a big deal, but it's definitely huge to me. I know you aren't a fan of cartoons, and I know that trying to keep all of my cartoon paraphernalia in my room still makes you feel weird sometimes. So you getting these for me really means a lot. I know we don't have a TV yet, or a VHS player, but knowing you, you thought about that and have something else in store for whenever I get back home.

I know you don't want me to, but I do sometimes worry about you, Rem. Like, a lot. You said you would be fine on your own for Christmas, but you did that thing where your eyes dart around the room before you look back at me, and that always happens before you lie to me. You would have been more than welcome to spend the holidays with my family. No one would have even assumed that we were a couple, provided I said off the bat that you didn't have family to celebrate Christmas with.

Still, I respect your decision. And I know not everyone would want to go to Mass at church early Christmas morning. I barely enjoy that, and the only time I do properly have fun is near the end, when I'm finally alert enough to enjoy the songs that everyone is singing.

I hope that you're having a good Christmas, though. Whether you find someone who's still in town and has nowhere to go, like you, or you volunteer somewhere because it's Christmas and you'd rather not be alone, even if that means just going to the soup kitchen, then I hope that you have a good time.

I really care about you, Remy. And I know that you'd scoff and roll your eyes if I told you as much, but I really do. And I hope, one day, you'll let me say it without you being uncomfortable. Maybe you'd even say it back.

I know you'll never see this, but take care, all right?

Emile

That done, he slid the pen in the little spot next to the back cover that had a piece of elastic made for holding pens or pencils, and sighed as he looked up and around the house. No one seemed to be looking for him, which was admittedly a little surprising. Usually he got carried up and away in his writing and he wouldn’t come back to the present for at least half an hour.

He walked back to the living room, and his dad glanced over. “You good, Emile?” he asked.

“Breaking in the new journal,” Emile said sheepishly, waving it in the air. “It needed to be done, and now at least I know what I’m going to do with it.”

His grandfather smiled approvingly and Emile smiled back. He settled onto the couch again, next to where his gifts were, and his thoughts kept drifting back to Remy. He really hoped that Remy was having a good time, whatever that entailed for him. Remy deserved to be happy. Everyone deserved to be happy, but considering all the work Remy had put in over just the past three months in trying to be a better person, Remy extra-deserved it.

I hope that you have a good Christmas, Remy, Emile sent out the silent thought. And I hope that you won’t be alone.

#if there's a place i could be #sanders sides fanfiction #remile #emile picani #ts sleep

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exit-path · 4 years

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DO NOT READ THIS POST.

Below is a long rant I’ve had about life and death. I’ve wanted it on the Internet. So that, ya know people can read it. But I also don’t want people to read it. Potential mental scarring, and all that.

So if you wanna get the rest of your Daily Tumblr Experience (tm), keep scrolling. But if you want to have a SUPER out-of-body experience, “Keep reading.”

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

So wait, this is it?

After you learn all the languages you know now, after you’re taught everything in school you remember, after you read all the books and hear all the stories...

This is it?

That’s everything? Your toolbox to brave the world. That’s all you get?

You’re gonna have all this until the day you die. You know that, right? This is pretty much all you’re ever gonna get, forever.

You know you only have one life. After this, you can’t try again. You get no second chances.

But I want more! Why can’t get more? Why does learning new things only get harder with age?

You’re never gonna truly experience anything besides what you’re currently experiencing. Sure, you can imagine, and you can daydream and come up with full-on stories in your mind, but truth is, you’re never actually gonna leave your current story. It’s all been one straight line.

We are trapped in the mortal realm. If you were born a man, and you wanted to be a woman, then even through all the wishes in the world, you could never truly become a woman. Baseless wishes do nothing, after all. But you can get close. If you see a man trying as hard as they can to be a woman, because they really wanted to, and they did a really good job, then please cheer them on. They are doing as close an act to defying the impossible.

So wishes don’t work. You will never experience anything outside of the life you’re currently living. So make the most of it. And embrace new actions taken. Because they do what wishes can’t: they work.

This all still feels so empty. I’m so lost. It feels so bleak, and it’s cold and dark down here. I’m currently getting therapy, but I want happiness. Happiness that lasts. Like, an hour.

Can anything solve this? Like, death anxiety. Can anything fix death anxiety? Because it’s a really shitty thing to be afraid of. It’s a phobia that, by definition, is chronic. If you’re afraid of death, and you’re eventually gonna die, then you’ll be panicking your whole life.

That seems like a really shitty way to live life. I don’t want to live like that! Please! I want to be liberated from my chronic anxiety! I don’t want to die!

How did you discover this? Do you know me? Did you find this? Did I show you this? Or did you not discover this? Will this be forgotten about, buried under all the other posts on this platform? Every time I make a new post, am I burying this one a foot deeper? Will no mortal eyes ever gaze upon this post ever again?

And this all came with no warning! Back on my main blog, I’ve posted nothing about my recent thanatophobia! Okay, well maybe I posted something about anxiety and stuff like that, but nothing like this. I’m scared!

I really hope I don’t delete this. There’s a really good chance I won’t. I want this to be out in the world. If only for a moment, I want this post to breathe.

When Tumblr shuts down, even if it’s after my lifetime, this post will go with it. And when the universe dies in a trillion years, everything will go with it. Why did some astronomist figure that out? How much alcohol do they drink?

It is Friday, June 12th, 2020. I dunno why I date things. I hope some day in the future, I can come back to old stuff and know exactly when I brought it into existence. Or maybe dating things is for satisfaction in the moment. Maybe I date things to look at it over time while I can still constantly see it: two days, three days, two weeks, three months, a year. A year? Wow, that’s a long time! And what about decades-old things? Centuries-old? Nah, I won’t think about that. That’s outside of a human lifetime.

I don’t get why people have existential crises. Like, you’re worrying about how people will remember you after you’re gone? What’s the point in that? Do you have so much sympathy that you care about it miles over your own mortality? Also, you’d end up in a similar situation to thanatophobia! You’d end up constantly worry, with every waking moment, whether your actions are making an impact on the world. Like, what’s the point in that? Just live life!

Will I ever share this? I hope I do. In fact, I hope I share it to my main blog too. I hope I share it with one of those “Keep Reading” tags that I see elsewhere on Tumblr, when the person has a bunch to things or extra words that they wanna keep behind a wall of sorts so no one’s constantly terrorized by a wall of text. I hope I figure out how to do that in time.

Also, am I getting deja vu of this very moment? Like, I’m not even done writing all this! How am I remembering something that hasn’t even finished yet? Is my memory really that bad?

I’m worried my memory will be the bane of me. I’m worried that in the end, I’ll remember very little, because I know so much more, and I’ll regret remembering so little. That would be a horrible way to die. Regret? I don’t want to feel regret on my deathbed!

I’ve thought in the past that when I grow up, and I become rich enough to own things, then I should hire a transcriber to follow me around everywhere I go and transcribe everything I say. That way, every thing I say can be written down. All my information will be on paper. Nothing will be as short-lived as the wind that takes my words away. That way, there might be a chance that even some of the more elusive words I say, perhaps the most beautiful quotes I utter that are completely unfathomable today, can survive longer than me. So nothing is lost to time.

When I was five, I had a dream. Maybe it was a nightmare. Maybe I made a post about this already. If so, then that’s scary, because I don’t remember that. I don’t like not remembering things. But anyways, I had a dream. I was standing on top of a light pole. You know those white lamp poles in New York City? The ones that curve like a hook onto the road? Yeah, I was standing on top of one of those. Somehow. I dunno how it could have supported my weight. And there were three pigeons. Three New York pigeons. Pretty slim, not like the big meaty ones you find sometimes. And the pigeons on the light pole next to me. They were closer to the pole, and I was closer to the light. I know they were exactly three pigeons. Not so sure about their placement, actually. In fact, I’m not so sure about my age at the time. Anyways, the pigeons flew away. And I jumped. I jumped from the top of the light pole. And I hit the asphalt. And I woke up, probably in a cold sweat. My heart was beating really fast. I woke up immediate before I hit the asphalt. I had felt the wind whizzing by my face. So that was the whole dream. I was on a light pole, there were three pigeons, they flew away, I jumped off the light pole, died on impact with the road, and woke up immediately before the dying part.

I feel like it’s almost like a prophecy, that eventually, that’s how I’m gonna die. That’s the clip of how I died. That I would commit suicide from the top of a light pole. And I don’t want to die that way! I don’t want to commit suicide! Life is precious! I want to die of old age, not of my own doing, fulfilling some “prophecy” that I was never told in words! That would really suck. Then again, it’s probably never going to happen. With as outlandish a story as that, I’m probably never gonna die that way. That lifts my spirits.

I’m so glad I could eventually get all these things down somewhere. Especially the “dream at five years old” part. I’m sixteen years old. I had constantly worried about how I would eventually get these thoughts down on paper somewhere. Yeah, it had always been in the back of my head. All. This. Time. It sucks, but I think I finally got it done, I think.

I didn’t want to keep this to myself, or put it in a diary entry or anything like that, because I don’t believe in privacy. Yeah sure, there are some things you keep to yourself, touchy subjects like masturbation, and if you’re lucky, you can go your whole life without a secret being told, and it dies with you on your deathbed. But I personally believe those should only be the rare cases. At least, they should. Because I’ve been growing up in a world full of information. All of human knowledge is at my fingertips, and it’s called “Wikipedia”. But still, it’s had I’d say a pretty big impact on how I view information. Information should just be out there in the world, ready for anyone to read and critique. So I’d never own a diary. To have that much information and to know no one else is looking at it would be painful. And I know that sounds counterintuitive, like how can you be scared when people are being not nosy, but that’s just my worldview. Yours can be different.

Well that’s our show for tonight, folks! Stay safe out there. And remember, you only live once.

#serious #serious tw #death tw #life tw #what tags do i use for a topic so strong #future tag

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maxbegone · 4 years

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I’m writing this so that I’ll see it and remember it tomorrow. Warning, it’s long:

I had a heavy panic attack that seemingly came out of nowhere tonight.

Around 7:00, I did some filing for my manager and came back down from the office at 7:15. I was a little shaky, but I thought I was hungry, honestly, and I forget if I took an order on the phone or if I sat anyone. think I just checked the tables for a bit.

A server came over to get change for one of their tables, and while I was placing the coins down (I remember a penny and maybe a dime), my arms started to feel heavy. From there, I was shaking a little more, my jaw felt tingly and teeth started to feel soft, for lack of a better term. I knew what was happening, so I told my manager I needed to go sit, that I was having a panic attack. She asked “From what? Did anything happen?” I just shook my head and found myself breathing heavily in our take out area.

One server was in there, doing roll ups, and asked if I was ok. I had some energy so I said, “Yeah, just not feeling great,” through a deep breath. I sat for a split second before feeling nauseous. I stepped outside, granted it was probably thirty-eight degrees out and I was in a blouse, just to get some air.

I was there for five minutes, and another server walked out with the garbage. He put it down and asked, genuinely, if I was ok. I nodded. He asked if I needed a hug and I just shook my head, though I think at that point I really needed one, and said that I appreciated it but that I would be ok. He gave me a pat on the back and went on his way.

I went back into our take out area and sat facing the counter for a minute before I started pacing. I must’ve done this for ten minutes, slapping my arms against my sides and staring at my feet, counting in my head to whatever numbers I could count to. I felt out-of-body and very numb. Still shaky. The same server who had the garbage popped his head in to check on me, asking if I needed anything, I said I was alright. He said “I won’t leave until I know you’re ok.” I told him that this happens, that he’s seen it happen to me before in lesser ways, and that I always get out of it. He hesitated for a minute and wished me a good night.

I went back to the stool for the next hour. People came in and out, customers, delivery drivers ( one wished me a merry Christmas and I told him I was jokingly sad I wouldn’t see him Tuesday, but happy that he got the day off and to have a good holiday ). A pizza guy offered me a hug or a shoulder to lean on if I needed it, I thanked him, genuinely.

Another coworker, one who I’m close with, realized I was missing and saw me static through the window, and came in to check on me. At this point I was shaking my left leg profusely and staring at the wooden panels under the counter. There were six. He didn’t even ask if I was ok, he knew I wasn’t, so he sat down next to me for a minute, ignored his tables, and started distracting me. He told me about when he lived in Los Angeles, about the mountains, and how you could go skiing and hiking all in one day. About how he loved the people he met but the traffic was awful. He told me that what I was feeling in that moment was insignificant in the end, a tiny blip, because it would all eventually pass. “Maybe not right now, maybe in a few hours. I’ve been there.” The whole while I just nodded as if it was impossible to stop.

I asked him if he had any tables, and said I didn’t want him to get in trouble, to which he responded; “My tables don’t matter right now.” He stayed with me for another minute before heading back out to the floor. I was still nodding.

My manager checked up on me, a little bit shocked to see that I hadn’t physically moved since I sat down, and gave me a bottle of water. I downed half of it, and I think I clutched the bottle for forty-five minutes. My left shoulder hurts from the way I positioned my arm on the counter to hold it. But I couldn’t move.

In those moments I felt like everything was wavy, like I was behind a glass and that I couldn’t communicate to anyone besides nodding and shaking and humming. My voice was very soft, and I felt sick.

I don’t know how much time passed, definitely a bit, but my coworker came back over to distract me and the bartender tagged along with him to check up on me. The bartender made his usual jokes, I managed to laugh, and the server kept describing things around the room. The small tiles that made up the mosaic on the floor, the glass door with the backwards logo from our position, the runner.

Eventually my manager came in and gave me another bottle of water and went back to doing some of the holiday prep. This time was a little shorter, but I managed to walk from the take out area to our bar before leaning my entire weight against the counter and shaking.

My manager just started rubbing my upper back while I focused my breathing, the bartender made sure I didn’t knock my glasses onto the floor, my coworker came back over again to distract me.

I did the seven-second breathing method. It helped slightly, and my coworker started rubbing my back and telling me to imagine a wave when I breathed out. Some time passed, the bartender cracked some jokes and told some stories, I engaged in weak conversation while I tore up a cocktail napkin. My manager tried to send me home twice, but I told her that I didn’t think I could get in the car and drive.

The bartender offered to drive me home. Told him I would be ok, that I would need to wait a little longer but I would be ok driving once I knew I could stand. Granted, walking felt as if I were moving through waist-height water.

I eventually calmed down enough to go home. I got my coat, it took a few minutes, and my coworker gave me a tight hug. I needed that. I promised to text him and to text my manager once I was home. The bartender walked me to my car, after making me promise that I was ok driving.

It took me eight minutes to get home. I filled out two cards, one for my aunt’s birthday and one for Hanukkah for my dad. I took off my makeup, I washed my face, and I’m in bed under three blankets.

I still feel weak. I think it’s going to take awhile for me to get to sleep tonight. But I might be wrong, and I might wind up having trouble getting up in the morning.

If you read this, then thank you for reading this diary entry.

#personal #do not reblog #my post #tw anxiety #tw panic attack #mhealth

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fizzyxcustard · 5 years

Text

Diary (Richard Edition) - 4

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

Complete fan fiction masterlist here

Fandom: Richard Armitage (real person)

Pairings: Richard Armitage x fem!reader

Warnings: Smut, sexual references, loneliness, insecurity, reader insert, first person perspective for diary entries (maybe more but they will be added as the story continues)

Comments/Notes: This imagine was originally written for Thorin and a fic started around him. However, many thanks to @fangirlextraordinaire for sending me the above image and inspiring me to write ‘Diary’ for Richard.

Follow Forever tag list: @himoverflowers @shikin83 @theincaprincess @deepestfirefun @nowiloveandwilllove @houseofrahl @mynameisnoneya1991 @blankdblank @captainrainbowpanda @cd1242 @c-s-stars @thorins-magnificent-ass @patanghill17 @trees-and-ink @inumorph @leah-halliwell92 @msjava1972 @bespectacled-bunny @ghostlyandee @raindancer2004 @dottiechan @captain-almighty @hobbitlover23 @catthefearless @epicallychrissy @nelswp @adaliamalfoy @spn-obsession @armitageadoration @peneigh-dzredfohl @here2have-fun @xxbyimm @greendragonette @littlebird54 @thophil2941btw @princessoferebor94 @banlaochranda @wilhelmyna @gabrieleaquaman @rachel1959 @serpensortia06 @rcrispina @kategorically-challenged @tigereyesf @jumpingmanatee @alae-megallen @tschrist1 @inlovewithamantwicemyage @aspiringtranslator @princessofthefandomrealm @letsbeinspiredby @lilith15000 @lealina-scarsdale @scarsfanfictiontrash @mechromancing-cinnamon-roll

Diary (Richard Edition) tag: @sherala007 @sdavid09 @inhabitant-of-the-void @kayleighhalliday2203

Just like you, the whole scenario that had played out with your diary was plaguing Richard. For three days he stared at the book and his phone, praying for some kind of communication from you. But you remained silent. Heartbreakingly silent. Every time he looked at his phone, he desperately wanted to see your name on the screen. Nothing.

On the third night, he stood in his living room, splintering pain raging in his temples and behind his eyes. Each night had been torture; he tossed and turned, constantly checking his phone for any sign of you. You had not been active on Twitter or Instagram. He even checked his follower list to make sure you hadn’t unfollowed or blocked him. You were still there.

Your last conversation was what hurt the most. It was as if your friendship had been nothing, but your journal? All those entries. Surely this was your insecurity. It couldn’t be anything else.

I have to tell her. But she’ll know I read her damn diary! Maybe I could send her a gift. But if it all falls through then I just make myself look like an idiot, and the last thing I want to appear to her is clingy and desperate.

But Richard was desperate. Desperate for you.

You cried into your pillow every night, sat away from people at work and fell into a pit of despair and isolation. If the friendship had of meant anything at all to Richard then surely he would have fought for you.

By the sixth day you had been home, you lay in bed watching Beauty and the Beast, one of your favourite Disney films. Your eyes wandered across to your bedside table where you looked at a china figurine of Dumbo which Richard had brought for you on your last birthday. He knew how much you adored Disney.

Belle and the beast waltzed around the grand ballroom as Mrs Potts sang, and instantly you felt your home made apple pie begin to stick in your throat and the part you had already eat come back up, bringing sour bile with it. With your hand over your mouth, you raced to your bathroom and vomited into the toilet.

You cried again as your cheek rested against the cold enamel the toilet. The sobs echoed in the pan and you curled up, sliding down onto the floor.

At work, your friend, Jen, began questioning you. Both of you were on your break from the office you worked in. Your manager was bugging the team again about targets not being met, verbally whipping you and threatening disciplinary action if your performance didn’t improve.

“Chris is an absolute arsehole,” Jen scoffed, tipping her coffee.

“Yeah, he is,” you replied simply, staring at the pale green carpet beneath your feet.

“What’s up? You haven’t been right since you got back off annual leave,” Jen enquired. “I know you’re pretty quiet anyway, but something is definitely wrong.”

You gave out a loud sigh. There was no way you could hide your feelings anymore, however, you knew that you couldn’t admit the complete truth. It was too stupid and laughable to admit to.

“Me and Rich haven’t spoken much and it’s playing on my mind a lot,” you said softly, shifting in your seat with unease.

Jen furrowed her eyebrows and moved in across the table, keeping her arms folded. You looked up in her trustful brown eyes which were behind black-framed glasses. “What? Has he cut you off?”

“Ummm....”

Jen immediately sensed what was behind your inability to talk. “Don’t tell me you have! Oh, for fuck’s sake! Why?”

Other workers from the office turned and looked at you and Jen in distain, tutting amongst themselves.

“Jen, stop it,” you growled in irritation. “You wouldn’t understand.”

You shoved your seat back, grabbed your coffee and walked back to your desk. Once there, you placed the half empty mug down and headed to the toilet. You stepped inside one of the cubicles, took your phone from your trouser pocket and began to sob as you looked at the photo of you and Richard on your background. Both of you were laughing into the camera, arms around each other, sitting in Central Park, the beautiful, blazing sun all around you. The sunlight looked like halos circling your heads.

A few more days passed, coming to the day before Richard had to leave New York for his next project. He had to do something or regret it for the rest of his life. Richard’s phone was rarely more than a few feet away from him. But since you had left New York, it had rested so heavy in his pocket and his hands. He had checked social media every day, seeing no update from you, not even to put any of your holiday pictures up for followers to see.

I need to talk to you. The text was simple but to the point.

At work, you sneakily checked your phone behind your computer screen, and felt your heart leap in your chest at the sight of Richard’s name on the screen. However, a hole began to open in the pit of your stomach. What if he had read your diary and wanted to completely walk away from you? There was no way you could face that rejection; as selfish as it was, you preferred it how it already was, with you in control of the future of your friendship.

You couldn’t ignore him. Your hands shaking, you typed a message back to him. It was best to come clean with him and make a swift cut, even though it was breaking your heart every day.

I understand if you don’t want to be friends with me. I know you have my diary and have probably read it. I’m pathetic. Let’s just move on and go our separate ways.

One minute after your text had been sent, your phone began to vibrate in your hand. You dashed away from the desk, almost running into one of your colleagues who looked at you in sheer disgust. It seemed as if everyone lately were giving you those looks.

“Richard?” you asked, stepping out into a hallway.

“What did you mean by your last message? Go our separate ways?” he asked, his voice full of concern and fright. “What’s happened between us?”

“You have my diary,” you replied. Your heart was hammering and you tried your damned hardest to remain composed as your heart thundered in your chest and ears painfully.

“Yes, you left it here. But what’s that got to do with anything?”

“I know you’ve read it,” you accused. “And I think it’s best we just move on...”

Richard went quiet.

Your heart was now pulsating in your throat. “See? You don’t know what to say because it’s ridiculous.”

“I love you, too,” Richard blurted out.

#Richard armitage #fanfiction #real person fiction #Richard armitage x you #Richard armitage x reader #Richard armitage x fem!reader #insecurity #anxiety #angst

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alluring-nirvana-blog1 · 6 years

Text

Sleepless Nights

So....this is my first ever blog post. Some pretty exciting shit. I don’t really know how this is supposed to work but I figure it’s what I make it and I choose to make it like my own personal online diary. Only a diary complete strangers on the internet from all over the world can read but hey YOLO right?

Now where I usually prefer writing my diary/journal entries out by hand and in a cute little leather book that sits on the cardboard box next to my bed that I use as a nightstand. For some reason I just really felt like making a blog dedicated to the random thoughts and ideas that run through my mind. Also, I plan for this to be a place free of judgement where I can bitch all I want about the woes of university. A place where I can be myself without fear of people thinking I’m weird because no one reading this knows me personally and can use it against me IRL.

Ah sweet victory.

Victory of what exactly, I have no idea.

Anyway, I figure it best to introduce myself I guess. For anonymity's sake, I’m going to omit some info because ya’ll don’t need to know my whole life story really. And to be honest, I’m very afraid of stalkers among almost everything else in life so yeah.

I’m Sunny, native Canadian (and I don’t mean I’m apart of the Native community, I was just born and raised in Canada so don’t be getting your panties in a twist about it). Just beginning my university experience, albeit slightly late and behind others of my graduating class but that’s okay. I’m from a small town where I lived with my mom and sisters, I relocated to the city for school and this is me trying to cope/adjust to my new life.

I enjoy reading and writing as well as partaking in sports like soccer, baseball, rugby, cheer, etc. I’m huge into film and television but more so trivia and fun facts then the technical stuff, I am not a film major. Horror films/television are one of my favourite genres next to fantasy and action/adventure, I like the adrenaline from jump scares and suspense because it brings excitement to my boring life. I’m also really big on history, have been since I was a young kid because I think it’s really interesting to see how different life was in different centuries. Also I think it’s super cool seeing historical figures being played out on TV and knowing that those people actually once existed.

I honestly can’t think of the things I dislike right now, which I guess is kinda good because dwelling on the negative is bad for your health kids!

Also, I’m a super huge true crime junkie/dork. Something about the minds and crimes of criminals fascinate me and has since I was a kid, to say my parents worried about me as a child is an understatement. So if you tag me or @ me in a true crime post or something (I don’t know how it works on this site) I will 9 out of 10 times respond of reblog t or something.

The Sidemen are my babies and I’m in love with all of them. They’re great for making you feel better on a shitty day and I love spending my time being in school and watching documentaries while procrastinating a paper that’s due in a week.

That’s basically me in a nut shell, don’t really know what else to say but I guess if ya’ll have questions and give enough of a fuck to send them to me I’d definitely answer them. But that’s also if anyone is actually even reading this.

I started writing this post because in all honesty, I can’t sleep and it’s almost two in the morning where I’m at. I’m used to it by now because for the past maybe eight months to a year I’ve not been able to sleep unless I’m completely wiped out. Also doesn’t help that my roommate (who I love dearly, don’t get me wrong) is always insisting on sleeping with her fairy/tea lights plugged in and those motherfuckers light up the whole goddamn room. I don’t have the heart to ask her to unplug them when she goes to bed, the semester’s almost over so its pointless.

But that’s not the only thing occupying my mind at the moment, I may or may not be looking for apartments/condos with two girls I met in January by the end of the week. It scares the shit out of me to be brutally honest. I don’t do well with change and I was planning to live on residence again next year but if this goes well that won’t be the case anymore. Change is a scary thing but it’s necessary in order to learn and grow as a person and I know this but I also know that that doesn’t change how scary it is.

But also doing scary shit is what life’s all about right?

I’m just worried about having roommates in general, about us having problems and clashing and all that. One of the girls I may be moving in with is very forward and speaks her mind without giving a shit about what anyone else thinks. I am very much the opposite, I grew up in a very confrontational house hold so I’ve had enough of it to last me nine life times. So I tend to stay on the quiet side and keep my opinions to myself unless I feel its necessary or someone actually wants to hear it and won’t get all pissy about it.

I’m also worried about getting tired of the social interaction, I’m an introvert and spending time with people for long periods of time makes me anxious and drains me. But despite all of this, every situation has its silver lining and I get excited thinking about it in my situation.

I’ve never lived in my own place before so that’s super exciting and I’m just excited that I’ve made friends since being here. Both very good things, also I feel like it will force me to come out of my shell more, and one of my potential roommates is with a guy who’s a bodybuilder and encourages her to go as well. She’s becoming a huge gym junkie and that I feel like will also be motivation for me to go as well, I’d also get a gym buddy out of it so that’s be awesome.

I know it will be a good thing but there has been a lot of change happening within the last three months for me. It’s just all been very overwhelming as it would be for anyone, especially a teenager whose year has been all change and quick last minute decisions.

Any of you have similar experiences? Lets swap campfire horror stories, it’ll be fun I promise.

Anyway, this has been very long and rambley and all over the place but hopefully I’ll get better at this in the future. I don’t really know how to end this but I guess I’ll just leave it with if you have any cool true crime stuff or history or movies or edits, anything like that, don’t hesitate to share it with me! I’d love to see it.

-Sunny out

#sunny #university #canada #maple syrup #true crime #roommates #first year #small town life #big city #teenager #living alone #history #history buff #true crime junkie #sidemen #sleepless nights #insomnia #cant sleep to save my life #soshelp

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kookieseyes · 7 years

Text

I hate you │3

summary: Getting wasted at the party gives you enough courage to confront Jungkook but gets you in trouble with parents. member: Jeon Jungkook x reader genre: fluff, romance, angst word count: 2515 warnings: fuckboy!Jungkook badboy!Jungkook I hate you Masterlist │ 1 │ 2 │ 3 │ 4 │ 5 │ 6 │ 7 │ (ongoing)

A/N: For some reason, the previous part’s tags didn’t work, so it didn’t show up in recently posted. Hope you like this part and read the previous one as well. Of course, I have the next part planned, but if you have any suggestion, please message me.

you tried your best to avoid Jungkook after the incident in the classroom.Even his presence made your stomach turn. You ran to the opposite direction if you saw a glimpse of him and did a pretty good job at it until one day Mr. Jenkins announced:

“Everyone, this is your assignment for the next month, you need to create a diary of a fictional character with at least 30 entries. Try to compose a story and make it as detailed as possible, write about her thoughts, emotions, happiness, loss, whatever you think will help you show that it’s impossible to know what’s going on in someone else’s head, even if you think you know them”

You’ve always liked your professor’s assignments. He probably wasn’t more than ten years older than you and always found a way to give you relatable and interesting tasks. You’ve been writing your own diary for as long you can remember, desperately needing to express your emotions, since your inexpressive parents were no help. The sensation of forever inking your deepest feelings on a piece of paper was helping you cure your bottled up emotions better than anything else.

“Oh, and you need to pair up, I already made pairs randomly, so please come by my desk to check your name before leaving”-group assignments were not your forte, but there was nothing you could do. So you walked up to Mr. Jenkin’s desk to ask him who your partner was when he without looking at the list said:

“You’re with Jungkook”-and smiled with one of those “I-know-you’ve-lied-to-me-and-here’s-what-you-get” smiles

“But… Is there any chance to switch partners?” you started panicking, that couldn’t be happening to you.

“I thought you’d be happy, isn’t he your friend?”-that sneaky son of a…

“I just can’t afford to get a low grade on this one”-maybe being pitiful would be your best way out

“Why would you? Didn’t you say he was just shy and not disinterested?”

“Yes, yes I did say that”-stupid, stupid Y/N you told yourself. One simple lie and everything goes to hell

“I’m sure it will be alright”-he said motioning to Jungkook to come

“Now what?”-Jungkook said with an annoyed tone but instantly changed it after Mr. Jenkins fake coughed couple times “I mean, why did you call me, Mr. Jenkins?”

“Here’s your partner for the assignment, Y/N”

“Huh?”Jungkook’s eyebrows raised in surprise, ignoring your presence right next to him “How random was your “random choosing, exactly?”

“I’d say pretty random”-replied the lecturer with a hint of amusement in his voice

“Mr. Jenkins, see? He doesn’t want to be with me either, so won’t it be easier to switch us with someone else?” you decided to speak up, maybe it wasn’t too late to make everything right

“Rules are rules, can’t make an exception”

“Doesn’t she get affected if she gets a low mark or something?”-of course, Jungkook had to use you as an excuse to get himself out of this mess you both ended up in and you gave him so-now-you-care-about-me look, but this time you didn’t mind as long as you switched partners.

“More of a reason for you to work hard then!” you were doomed, officially. Jungkook wouldn’t help you out with the project, that was obvious, and making 30 entries was too much to handle by yourself.

“I tried my best but it looks like you’re going to have a first B in your whole life”-arrogance in the irritating boy’s voice was obvious

“Not funny”-you centered you gaze into his eyes, maybe the intense eye contact would convince him how important this matter was for you

“Sounds funny to me”-he smiled and avoided your eyes, just to look outside,

“Jungkook, take it outside, I already told you what to do, so unless you have any questions you can leave” Mr Jenkins was obviously annoyed by both of you, trying to get you out of his classroom

“When are we starting?” you asked as soon as you started walking in the hall

“who said I was starting anything”

“Come on, don’t be a jerk”

“Why should I do anything for you when you keep calling me a jerk”

“Technically, I didn’t say you were a jerk, I said you would be one if you didn’t help”-you were not going to lose this argument

“Touché. I guess I could if you apologized”-of course, he wouldn’t just oblige and be a decent human being for once.

“Me? Are you kidding me? After what you said to me?!”

“I don’t even know what I said, or why you got so butthurt about it”-and there he was, again ruining your mood in the worst way possible, what did you do so wrong to deserve this?

“You know what, forget it, I can’t believe I was stupid enough to think you’d be less selfish for once”

“What do you want me to do anyway, I’m sure you already have everything planned out”

“He’ll know if I write all of it myself,” you said motioning towards the classroom behind you

“I’ll think about it,” Jungkook said and left as if it was not an important enough matter to discuss. You wouldn’t fuss over him not doing anything, but getting a B also meant losing your scholarship and you couldn’t afford it. You were not letting a nobody like Jungkook ruin your life

You’ve texted him multiple times over the weekend: “Did you think about it yet?”

“Who is this?”

“Y/N”

“how did you get my number?”

“Mr. Jenkins, answer the question”

“Nope” And that was it? A single nope was going to decide whether you needed to get an extra job to pay for university fees or not? You definitely didn’t have time for that. Juggling between assignments, work, and social life was as hard as it was. making new friends was not hard for you, it was finding time to hang out with them you were struggling with. People invited you to hang out and you almost always had to decline, Ava was the only one who could understand you and she always said the same about you. Every time one got into trouble, the other one would have her back.

Today was no exception, she had had a bad day. She and the guy from the party- Jimin had started dating and now they were having their first couple’s fight. So Ava wanted you to go with her to the party to get him to apologize. You were her partner in crime so there was no way you’d say no.

When you got to the party you immediately started taking shots, with each one Ava said why men were the worst and how you had to avoid them. But as soon as Jimin caught her eye, she stopped. He was standing next to Jungkook, sipping from the red plastic cup, leaning on the wall for support and playing rock paper scissors with his friends. He whispered something to Jungkook and he nodded in response. He patted the guy’s back, who was now moving towards Ava.

By the time you realized it was time for you to leave them alone, you had consumed a fair amount of alcohol, making you dizzy but giving you so much needed confidence for what you were about to do next. You said you were going to leave for a second and smiled at Ava, whose hand was now intertwined with Jimin’s, listening to his apology. She didn’t even pay attention to you and watched him with sparkly eyes. You knew she had forgiven him even before they got to talk.

You got up from the couch and felt how alcohol diffused to your legs, making them tremble. You walked up to the wall Jungkook was standing next to, now celebrating his victory in the game by screaming “fuck yeah” with deafening noise. It was now or never, so you just called out his name:

“Jungkook!” and he didn’t notice, annoyed you gently pulled the end of his shirt to make your presence noticed, just like kids do when somebody doesn’t pay attention to them. He turned his head to follow the voice calling out his name and raised his eyebrows in surprise.

“Listen, I need to talk to you”

“Okay, talk”-he shrugged his shoulders

“Not here, somewhere you can actually hear me”-you couldn’t believe how much courage and boldness the alcohol had given you.

“Fine, lead the way”, only then you noticed your hand that was still holding on to his shirt and decided to drag him outside like that. Once you were far enough from the noise you stopped.

“You can let go now,” he said with a tiny smirk appearing in the corner of his lips. You could tell he was still sober, amused by your drunk actions.

“Sorry..”-you let go immediately, cursing yourself for not doing so earlier. “So, about the assignment, did you make up your mind?”

“I told you not yet”

“I know what you’re doing and that’s not gonna work with me. You’ll never decide and I’ll be left with the student loans for the rest of my life”-it was embarrassing, telling him something so personal, but the alcohol seemed to increase your confidence.

“You’re making too big of a deal out of it, one B won’t change anything”

“Yes it will, once I lose my scholarship”

“You have a scholarship?”-you saw a sudden change in his expression as if he went deep in thought.

“Yes, now please could you just pretend that you don’t hate me until we’re done and then we’ll go our separate ways”-you didn’t want to talk about yourself and tried to quickly change the topic. He didn’t say a word and that made the situation ten times more embarrassing than it already was.

“What do you say?” You added when he refused to say anything.

“Deal”

“Deal? Well, that was easier than I thought”

“You can keep asking some more if that was too easy!-he smiled and only then you noticed how much his innocent smile didn’t match up with his fuckboy personality.

“Uh… No no no, it’s cool, we’re good” and you raised your hand, trying to get him to high five you

“High five, partner!” Alcohol made your stupidity filter disappear along with your eyesight “more like high ten!” you added with a tone of confusion and chuckled at your own joke. Much to your surprise, he didn’t embarrass you by leaving you hanging and returned you gesture:

“I like your drunk version better”

You disregarded his remark, although your cheeks seemed to have changed its color to light pink. “I’ll text you the place and time to meet,” you said and left in a rush. You returned back to where Ava and Jimin were supposed to be but once you got to the room they were already gone. You checked your phone to see Ava’s text: “Jimin and I made up, I’m going to his place, please get home safely”

Loud banging on the door forced you to wake up. You didn’t remember how you got to your bad, vivid pictures of calling an Uber, stumbling while going to your room and waking up your parents were flashing through your eyes. You were pretty sure it was still early in the morning, but your parents had different things planned for you.

“Y/N wake up, Tucker needs to be taken for a walk”-you barely could tell if it was happening in your dreams or you mother was actually calling you at 5 in the morning to take her dog on a walk. You almost went back to bad, but the door opened, making you jump up instantly “Didn’t you hear what I said?”-she asked while being as tranquil as one could be “I did, just give me a minute” “Make it quick” “I’m already getting up”

“You father is downstairs, waiting, we want to discuss some things with you”

You always felt like you were a laboratory rat, following the rules your parents set up for you and just in case you decided to go against them, they would somehow manage to make your life a living hell. Everything you did in life was somehow a part of a bigger plan your parents had created.

When you dared to tell them you had a boy you liked they said: having a boyfriend at your age is good, you get to experience a lot before getting into a real relationship. When you asked to take a drawing class they said: you are not talented at that, let’s focus more on social studies, when you told them you wanted to play some sports they said: you should mind your academics more.

They were cold, straight to the point, and practical, which is not a bad thing unless you use same principles for raising a child who needs parents, not counselors. You got up from your bed, quickly dressed up and went downstairs to see your parents sitting at a coffee table. What were they planning for you now?

“Y/N, sit down, please”-and you did without saying a word. You already knew what was coming, they would make you apologize for coming home drunk, and how these mindless actions affected your academic success and how one mistake could end up destroying your future and reputation.

”We were extremely disappointed with your behavior last night. We expected more from you. We know you are a college student and you must enjoy the experience, but everything has its boundaries”-their gentle tone of voice was unfailingly having a reverse effect on your mood, making you angrier by second.

“Dad, mom, I know what you are trying to say, but I don’t see what I did wrong, you should know by now that I always put my studies first and one party is not going to change that”

“Of course it won’t, we can’t force you not to go to parties, so that’s why by our mutual decision, we would like to receive a report card every two weeks, just to assure ourselves that you’re not going on the wrong path”

“Is this a joke? I’m not 5 anymore, why do you always have to control what I do”

“We’re not trying to control anything, it’s just a precaution for your own good” “For my own good? How about some independence? Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? I can’t breathe around you anymore, nothing I do is ever good for you, why can’t you let me live my life as I want, have you ever thought about me? What I want? “Think rationally, you are overre…” “You know what? fuck this, why can’t you understand that I’m your daughter, not your pet?”-years of holding back your feelings just burst out, you simply couldn’t take it anymore. You got up from the couch, hands shaking still shaking from anger and stormed out of the house. You took Tucker with you for a walk and got some fresh air, words that had spilled from your mouth earlier were still lingering on your tongue. “Tucker, you know my parents love you better than me, right?” You rumbled and caressed his ears. Million thoughts were running through your mind and none of them were reassuring.

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