(TW:: Mentions of suicide, abuse, substance abuse, eating disorder)

"If they're talking about committing suicide they're not actually going to do it. Somebody that's serious won't say anything."

I hate when people say that shit. It's just a blanketed concept. If someone comes to you and says they want to unalive themselves why wouldn't you take them seriously?? "They just want attention". Ok then give it to them. Maybe they feel lonely or unloved for whatever reason. I would much rather take someone seriously when they say something like that than brush it off as an attention seeking tactic and find them dead the next day. Saying things like that are exactly why people keep from talking about their feelings.

At the age of 14 I told my mom that I was depressed and wanted to die. She laughed at me and asked me what I had to be depressed about. She got angry and started listing off all the things she had done for me. That I should be grateful for the life I had. I was grateful. But my stepdad was abusive to me and my younger brother. More so him than me. He was also abusive to our mom. But for whatever reason she kept him around.

After getting laughed at I decided that talking to her about any mental issues was a waste of time because she didn't take it seriously. I also decided that I needed to find reasons to stay. Despite the fact I really did want to leave this life I knew I had people I couldn't disappoint. The main one being my brother. He was only 8 at the time, defenseless. My dad was another reason. We always had a good relationship and he was the last person I ever wanted to let down. He saw my potential when no one else did. As I got older I just found new reasons to stay. My best friends or whatever boyfriend I had that I felt was worth it. But my brother and dad stayed at the top of the list.

I adopted a few unhealthy coping mechanisms along the way though. My thought process was that if I turned to pills instead the journey to death would be a slow one and the shock wouldn't be so harsh. Knowing good and well it wouldn't matter really once the damage was done. The level of disappointment and confusion would all be the same.

So for 5 years my top 2 stayed the same. And then it changed. By then I had struggled with pill addiction for about 3 years, along with an eating disorder. I weighed less than 100lbs at the age of 19. October of that year I met my now fiance. He got me out of my abusive household although it damn near killed me to leave my brother behind. The following year I got pregnant with our daughter and she took the #1 spot for my reasons to stay. I was 98.5lbs and I knew if I didn't get healthy she wouldn't live. So little by little with help from her daddy I got better. And she was born perfectly healthy 3 months before I turned 21.

My list of reasons to stay kept getting longer. And that made me happy. Soon after my daughter was born my brother started his own family and made me an aunt. My list got even longer. I got pregnant with my son 3 years later. Although I lost my dad later that year. Then I became an aunt again. And again. I now have 2 nephews, 1 niece and another nephew will arrive very soon. My list of reasons to stay went from only 2 to 8. Yea it took some years to grow but I have to say it was worth the wait.

So if you're still reading this and youve had thoughts of suicide please just take the time to find reasons to stay. Family, friends, pets. Whatever it may be. Please stay.

2023 is the year of main character energy!!

Stop minimaling yourself

Take up space

Unapologetically❤️

for all those dreading the new year

time is terrifying

but if you think about it

tomorrow is just today with a new fancy name

be kind to yourself

it’s just another day

another tomorrow

and soon

another yesterday

❤️❤️❤️

Into the night, I drink and drive

Anything to help me let go, let go

You feel the pain, I feel the same

But we cannot repeat this cycle

The worst is yet to come

The worst is yet to come

#dayseeker #sleeptalk

Like when you read an old diary you had when you were like 10 *cringe af*

very curious seeing writing i did on here (when i was a teenager) having such a resurgence ten years later. makes me wonder how i will feel about my writing from now, when i am 10 years older. do you ever read something you wrote when you were younger and feel like it belongs to a stranger? i could shudder and shrink when i read it, and judge the work of a different version of me based on the standards to which i hold THIS version of me. but i think i will choose not to, and instead choose to commend my younger self for being brave enough to try. ultimately that journey is what got me here, no?

Noah from #BadOmens is just 🤌🏻🤌🏻🤤🤤 #perfection #tattedandobsessed

I wasn't cool enough to have Tumblr when it was first popular. So here I am, 30yo and living my tumblr girl dream😂😂 some things I'm into and plan on posting about.... This is a safe place for all💜💜

*multi genres of music

*psychology/sociology

*mental health

*book recommendations