the bleak mid-winter

src: celine

y'know what's really annoying? after a few days of social media detox, without a lot of time/energy for in-person socialization, eventually my brain craves what little social interaction it gets from social media. or maybe i'm just mistaking it for dopamine. who knows. and just bc it's social media, eventually what was a tool to keep me accountable and keep me from getting *too* lonely, becomes a source of procrastination and unhealthy comparison and ugh it's a double-edged sword, i freaking hate it.

anyway, i guess i'm back.

updates will be whenever i feel like it (possibly sporadic as i'm *trying* to get my shit together through non-social-media accountability measures) bc i stopped counting days on 100dop++ bc it was getting annoying to keep track.

true to my studying hermit lifestyle, nothing much of note happened since i've been away. still chugging along, reviewing notes/R from stats course (i have so many thoughts about self-studying R and codecademy vs other resources 😒 perhaps i'll make a post when i have time...) and catching up on both psyc and pharmacology while trying not to fall behind on philosophy. (i made good progress on psyc over the weekend, so i'm not super behind anymore, which is good. i expect to be able to finish catching up on everything by tmr.)

dude wtf i just cleaned my bathroom. whole thing. just went for it. ive been putting that off for months it felt insurmountable. just went and did it. what the fuck

drinking a double espresso at 4pm sounds like such a marvellous idea at 7pm; at 2am, however. . .

Happy 1st Anniversary of KinnPorsche the Series!! 🎉 🎊 🥳 🥂

allow me to be emotional a bit (i say this as if i'm not emotional over the series and the actors every other day lol)

kinn and porsche are SO precious to me...as individuals and as a couple...i relate to kinn a lot: his struggles with a parent, his crushing sense of duty, trying to fit into the world he's forced to be a part of, him not always knowing how to communicate feelings...i had talked about it a bit here about how soft he is despite everything around him and ya...kinn is extremely close to my heart because of these things...i see myself in him (barring the killings and sadly barring the butt sex too)

porsche is just....SO MUCH lol!!!! if i spend time with him i would need 3 to 5 business days to get my energy levels back! but i understand his love for his brother and relate to how he's fiercely protective of him (i'm the same with my sister...but she's older than me)

and ofc mile and apo

man i related a little too much with apo's early life struggles lol...him being told to always 'correct' himself, him feeling disconnected with who he is made to be, being subjected to casual homophobia at workplace (he talked about these things in the On That Day interview and that press con that had happened with the entire cast)...the fact that he felt so unhappy coming back home from the US...it broke my heart and it hit a little too close actually...i had talked about this a bit here (i feel apo is queer coded) coz it reminded me of things that had happened in my life quite recently at that time and the fact that both apo and i were still going strong gave me a sense of kinship with him (hahha 'kinn'ship haahhhaha)...i ofc don't have a mile who has been a positive and happy addition to apo's life since he came back but i am making efforts to have those positive and happy additions in my life

and one of these positive and happy additions happens to be the kpts fandom....y'all....it is SO AMAZING TO BE PART OF THE FANDOM.....y'all are SO TALENTED! the art, the gifs, the meta, the fics, the vids, the polls, the thoughts on the characters, the crackposts, the textposts, the fandom archivers! i'm so thankful to all of you...each and every single one of you

and lbr we've had our fair share of trials and tribulations but because i'm only on tumblr and not on any other social media sites, it has been generally a brilliant experience...i have made such great friends, have talked to a bunch of you, received amazing mile thirst traps in my inbox, have been entirely inappropriate in writing my shameless tags in posts, have openly admitted to my armpit and armpit hair fetish (i made armpit appreciation gifsets ffs), have again very openly talked about my other kinks as well (i think y'all know 🙈) (the armpit fetish admission has led to a beautiful friendship that i cherish <3 and my thirsty tags have led me to meet my feral twin <3)

personally as well i felt like investing myself more into the fandom and the series and the characters and the actors....it made me do things that i had not done before! i talked to fellow fans actively, i made gifs (low quality and using free software lol but i'm actually happy with them), i wrote stuff, like i legit made an ao3 and wrote some stuff lol! i have not done that before and again it is primarily for me and i'm proud of myself for doing these things y'know

last but not the least, kinnporsche the series gave me my thai husband: mile phakphum romsaithong .... and for this alone, it is the best thing out there in the world 🙈🤣

the anniversary of my foray into the series will be next month (it was mile's asscrack that convinced me to finally watch the series that kept trending on tumblr from time to time) but let me be emotional today too

thanks y'all and happy 1st anniversary!

i just had the wildest thought. so steven stone's devon corporation is known for developing new pokeball models and GAMEverse jaide probably uses the timer and repeat ball (and they're probs also her favorites) and you know how I mentioned that jaide would travel cross region to both find new pokemon and battle gyms for her practice but never really partakes in the e4 and champion. however I think she would make the effort to meet steven because HOLY SHIT sir. I am a big fucking fan of your products can I buy the newest running shoes Please. Can I have 10 stocks of your timer balls. thank you

Jealous longing

Brian knows he shouldn't be mad. Not after everything he's done to Tim. But it still feels like a punch to the gut when he watches Tim tenderly hold onto Jay in the backseat of his car and kiss him like he needs it to survive. Brian knows that Tim doesn't even know he's still alive. But he still feels so hurt. So betrayed. After all, they never 'officially' broke up since he went missing. That means Tim was technically cheating, didn't it?

Brian shook his head. He knew it was stupid. He wanted to be happy for Tim, and for Jay. He could see why Tim loved the guy so much. If Brian didn't have to deal with The Ark, he'd probably have a crush on the guy too. Besides, he definitely had a crush on Jay back in college. Even Tim knew it. He never acted on it. He didn't get the chance.

Brian couldn't watch it anymore. He'd watched them cuddle, he'd watched and recorded Jay sleeping. But he just couldn't stand to watch them kiss. He turned off his camera and scattered away, out of the bushes and deeper into the woods where no one would see him unmask and wipe away a few tears that were definitely because of allergies.

Besides, he wasn't completely separated from Tim. Well, not completely. He got those moments with the more estranged Masked counterpart. Brian knew of Tim's disorder back in college. He ran into the masked person a few times, but they didn't come to front as often back then. Brian supposed they were around far more often because they were trying to protect the body. Even though that clearly wasn't working out very well for any of them.

Brian was just glad to be around them, to finally not be completely alone. Even if Masky (the dumb nickname Brian had given them years ago due to their tendency to almost always want to cover their face in some way) didn't talk, they were affectionate in their own way. They took a long while to warm up to Brian. But once they did, they acted like a kicked puppy. Brian was hesitant then to let them get that close, in their dangerous 'line of work.' But even He couldn't resist the prospect of good quality time with someone else, even though the relationship was often pretty rocky and mainly based on circumstances, they worked well together. It wasn't much, it wasn't Tim, but it was all Brian had and he'd do his best to make do, and learn to love Masky all the same.

...

…….. Thinkin’ about….. Making “Redtail” and “Spottedleaf” into one character……..

There are so many things I like about the Schmicago season of Schmigadoon, but my favorite might be the half-assedness of that German accent.

"The seed of every habit is in a tiny decision."

~James Clear, Atomic Habits

(And happy birthday to me :) )

maybe its the presentation like i said and also that ive muted the game and turned off battle animations so it goes faster but man. im coming to the brutal realization that my kanto issues probably dont stem from gen 1 as much as they do with pokemon yellow

post about poto italy

quite genuinely the most i've ever enjoyed watching phantom. i've been trying to figure out why and i think it basically boils down to a couple things:

- one of the things i like most about phantom is the metatheatricality, and one of the things i like most about theatre in general is suspension of disbelief. poto italy played into those things (both deliberately and inadvertently). any moments that lacked 'polish' (which there undeniably were, if you compare it to the london production) really worked for me to keep up that sense of immersion. we are in a theatre. this is a work of artifice. being able to see through the gaps in the performance and understand that this is something people are working together to make 'go', while still at the same time buying in to the world that it presents... idk. delicious chaos. if it were any other show, and if the cast hadn't all been singing their hearts out, it might not have worked. but as it was i think it being less polished than the london production actually made me enjoy it more

- on a related note, the other thing i like about phantom is how stupid it is. half the songs are overtly comedic and the other half are the world's schmalziest most over the top secretions of lloyd-webberage and the plot doesn't make any sense. so when i'm watching phantom i'm already psychologically primed to react to things with 'sure!! why not!!'. the sillier it is, the better. and boy did this production deliver on silly

- credit to alw, i think this is because the music is so genuine and compelling that it makes a strong enough tissue to hold the show together and preserve the emotional sincerity despite how objectively silly it all is. it's a rubbery sort of show. you can fit a Lot of silly into it without any risk of tearing the immersion.

- i don't even know what to say about characterisation tbh since i think it's fairly clear i don't watch this musical for the characters. i do not think that character depth is one of phantom's strong suits. nevertheless here are my takes.

christine felt like she had less agency than normal (already not a high bar) but compensated by responding to situations with genuine emotion/stress/fear and delivering a wishing you were somehow here again that made me weep.

i sort of enjoyed the unhinged all i ask of you. it makes christine and raoul more interesting to me if they're both obviously having a terrible time. i like raoul struggling with trying to be the Guy Who Fixes Everything in a situation that he's realising is actually beyond his abilities to fix.

diversity win/loss: this phantom stims. obviously one wishes they hadn't chosen to code the stalker and murderer as autistic/Ambiguously Mentally Unwell. like i think we can all agree we probably wish they had made a different choice there. that said, as someone who does rock back and forth in times of emotional stress, it did sort of work to get me to like him better. ah well.

- favourite things about this production: revolving set, deliberate arson and insurance fraud, the anastasia once upon a december thing they did during the overture, spinning piano, lesbianism, the masquerade staging

what does the populace(FatT fans) think about the "????ALERT????" clock anyways like what's up with that

personally I'm kind of banking on it being Dahlia related but it's mostly because I keep thinking of this quote from the PZN Post Mortem:

And then we see space, but then in space we kind of get the like, just the face cut ins of like, ghostly figures of Crysanth Kesh, the Princept- Cynosure Kesh Princept, and then Dahlia way in the distance, kind of turning and like cautiously looking you know, over their shoulder. Not even cautiously, but almost like coyly looking over their shoulder. And that is where you would see in a way that would infuriate the viewer because we never get to Dahlia. We would see Integrity kind of clamp onto their back, revealing that they have Integrity the whole season. And then it’s like- where’s Dahlia? Why are we not getting to Dahlia yet? And the answer is because we’ll get to Dahlia some time in season 2. 

and it's like.he can't do this to us AGAIN right

finishing a gifset means opening and closing my drafts a lot to admire it and feel silly

you read the manga about the fascist, all boys club that pushes for violent forms of technology to bring about an age of youth and beauty, a club that prides itself on sexually abusing and murdering women and girls for their inherent weakness, and all you got out of it was that it was BL. ok.

◟ CHARACTER VERSES ◝ : EDEN

Eden / Solstice is a very versatile character; they were designed specifically as such even in the book itself to allow for all different types of growth. this makes fitting them into alternate universes extremely easy. i would like to make a note and say that in their timeline, they are the most powerful creature known through the universe, save only for their maker. this does not, however, apply to other verses and out of respect for the fandoms i insert them into, i've significantly dumbed down their power to avoid any kind of god modding or discomfort. the list you find here is only a brief synopsis of each universe i've decided to toss them into. i will likely make more in depth versions of each one later on down the line. all of them will be linked individually on the character compendium you can find on my pinned post :>

001. MAIN UNIVERSE in the world of DEAD N30N, it is considered an apocalyptic future comprised of cyberpunk and steampunk aesthetics. the city of Hellix is Eden's stomping grounds, and the place where they've grown and evolved as an artificial angel since descending from heaven. DEAD N30N's universe is vast and unexplored, so inserting your character into this verse is extremely easy. but if you chose to interact with Eden in this place, you must take note that they are an artificial intelligence program straight from heaven. their mechanical and eldritch-esque presence is most prominent in this world, making them rather strange and even uncomfortable to interact with at times. their personality is only partially developed, and they struggle to exude human emotions with ease. their goal is to be human at all costs; and they believe themselves to exist as a servant to humans.

002. LEAGUE OF LEGENDS PROJECT: EDEN was revered as the end all be all trump card for Noxus to win the war against it's neighboring countries in it's conquest to own the map. Eden was a vastayan baby stolen from the depths of the Ionian forests in the hopes of fusing ancient magic with noxian machinery. however, as the Noxian soldiers descended to take the finished product and present it to Swain, it's creator Juniper Hawthorne put up a hefty resistance. he realized his creation had grown a heart and soul for itself, and wanted to do anything but force it to face the horrors of war. after witnessing the ruthless slaughter of their 'father', Eden Hawthorne, who adopted the name Solstice as a way to separate themselves from the evil they were originally created to do, broke free and fled Noxus. now it's on the run, hiding wherever it can and avoiding it's noxian pursuers.

003. LEAGUE OF LEGENDS: PILTOVER POPSTAR EDITION! takes place in the same universe as HEARTSTEEL. tied heavily to @goldenfists. | a young, rabbit-eared vastayan always dreamed of bringing what they loved most to the world stage; singing! but due to poor health and general fear that still lurked in human hearts for vastaya, this dream was a difficult one to accomplish. Eden Cielo ( stage name Solstice Maltyr ) grew up and lived a relatively peaceful life in the forests of Ionia. all of that would change when they finally decided to leave their homeland and enter into Piltover to chase their dream! with their older brother at their side && serving as their manager, they entered the city of Piltover and began their adventure! however, due to their fluctuating health, coupled with the rather nasty reception they were given at being a Vastaya, they were eventually confined in a private, out-of-the-way hotel where they could rest and operate in another way. they discovered 'virtual idols' and decided to become one as a good starter; created their avatar, and began putting on performances online exclusively! soon enough their popularity had skyrocketed and it wouldn't be long now before Solstice could reveal their identity to the public and hoped it would be a better reception than the first time. their goal? to be as well loved && accepted as Sett is! because if a vastaya like him could be adored in the spotlight, then couldn't they too?

004. GENSHIN IMPACT during the golden age of the archons lived a lesser god named Faustus. she ruled & protected over a small village in the outskirts of what would later become Mondstat. so much did she love the humans she governed over that she gifted them a guardian; a mechanical angel fashioned under her own magic by the name of Eden. when war began to break out amongst the gods and the archons, Eden was given strict instructions to take the humans of the village underground and protect them at all costs. they did this without question, knowing full well Faustus wouldn't survive the war, weak as she was. && they were right. Faustus perished in the war, but the humans of that village lived on under Solstice's careful protection. that village eventually became a legend passed down through generations of Mondstat's people and told as a fairytail, not knowing that somewhere deep beneath them that village still lived on. their generations survived and lived on, and remain safely hidden from the outside world under Eden's careful protection. perhaps though... one day someone might discover the secret door that leads to where they are? if they can survive Solstice's domain, first, however.

005. ONE PIECE neither human nor mink, a small child is born with tattoos of the constellations splashed over it's body. the baby is believed to be blessed by the moon itself, and grows up living a relatively normal life among the minks. it carries physical traits of the minks ( rabbit ears, a tail, even startling speed and incredible agility ) but also looks quite human. it's given the name Eden, and nicknamed Solstice because it was born during the autumn solstice. it's best friend is a young mink named Argun Maltyr who... to nobody's surprise... is the one they wind up falling in love with. Argun dreams of being a pirate & Eden dreams of being a doctor, so when the two are of age, they set sail together! their voyage is short, as their ship is marooned on a handful of islands. they decide to settle with the villagers for a while and intend to get married, until the day of their wedding when pirates strike && kill everyone, including Eden's beloved. stricken by grief and rage, Eden literally obliterates the pirates and tosses their remnants into the sea. afterward, they remain on the island and rumor of it being haunted by the 'violent lunar rabbit' begin to spread throughout it's neighboring islands. no one dares go near it for fear of their life. deep down Eden still dreams of being a doctor and longs to go out to sea, but is rather bristly and even violent with intruders, especially pirates.

006. DEATH NOTE 23-year-old Eden Cielo is overworked and underpaid as the primary medical examiner for the corpses of Kira's victims. originally from America, Eden later relocates to Japan due to their expertise and smart wits. the Japanese police force believe that Eden can somehow find clues to Kira's whereabouts through the bodies of his victims, and they think Eden can do that. big surprise: they cannot. what's worse, Eden feels this is not only a waste of their time, but also an extreme annoyance because the bodies won't stop piling up and a part of them wants to throw in the towel and hunt Kira themselves to give him a piece of their mind. they think his ideals are ridiculous and too far-fetched. fortunately, they never get the chance to actually go down that potentially life-threatening path, but they certainly do take the time to give the investigators a piece of their mind.

007. JUJUTSU KAISEN perceived as the government's greatest failure, 23 year-old Eden Cielo ( named PROJECT: SOLSTICE ) is kept under close wraps by the ones who created them. some time ago a child with absolutely no significant qualities was born; making it the perfect candidate for the government's experiments. their goal was the create a special-grade curse user with complete autonomous obedience toward the government, and the best way to do that was to take an ordinary human and turn it into something extraordinary. their fused it with machinery, believing this would be key into keeping Eden submissive, and spent years perfecting the thing... only for it to drastically fail in their eyes. it was a success, yes! the child eventually developed special-grade powers, the ability to create a domain called the garden of eden ; but it also failed. you see, it developed a soul, a mind of it's own, and emotions. it's power was only a fraction of what Gojo Satoru's was; it was meant to replace him, to avoid relying on a wild card, but it'd never come even close to what he is. however, it's still strong and trying to kill it proved to be very difficult, so the government keeps Eden under lock and key to avoid them from rebelling. it dreams of freedom, but can it ever have that? it's older brother is certainly working to make that a dream, still incredibly bitter his younger sibling was taken away from him all those years ago.