#but we are more than happy to answer questions about headspaces to the best of our ability
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All About Headspaces!
We thought it would be a good idea to write a post on headspaces (or inner worlds) as we understand them. This post will contain information that we’ve learned along with our personal experiences. No two headspaces work the same way, and no two systems will experience headspaces in a similar fashion, so don’t be alarmed if your system’s headspace functions differently from what we describe in this post!
What is a headspace?
A headspace (or inner world) is an imagined, fantasized place that exists within a person’s mind. Headspaces are not exclusive to systems - all sorts of people can build or create their own headspaces. Many created systems or paromancers may call their headspaces “wonderlands,” but they’re in essence the same thing. Any system member can start the process of visualizing a headspace, and as other members are included and collaborate together, their headspace can grow to involve the whole system and become a place of solace and rest.
The creation of mental “safe spaces” is often used in therapy for treatment of anxiety, PTSD, and other mental illnesses. When feeling overwhelmed, it can be immensely beneficial to have a gentle, peaceful place in your mind you can return to in order to calm down and relax. Headspaces are a skill taught in dialectical behavior therapy, and many therapists may incorporate building headspaces into their patients’ treatment plans.
Who can have a headspace?
Nearly everyone is capable of building and maintaining their own headspace! The one example we can think of for individuals who may struggle to create a headspace are folks with aphantasia. Since headspaces are visualization tools, those who are incapable of visualizing places within their mind might find themselves unable to create a headspace.
You don’t have to have DID in order to create a headspace, you don’t have to be a system, you don’t have to be traumatized or even struggle with mental illness! Headspaces are for everyone, regardless of ability or state of being.
Are headspaces the same as paracosms?
In our experience, if headspaces and paracosms are not the same, they are incredibly similar. Both are imagined worlds that exist within the minds of the people who create them. Our paracosm exists as a part of our headspace, and many other folks may find their paracosms are similarly connected to their headspaces!
Are headspaces physical places?
No, headspaces are imagined or fantasized places and only exist within the minds of those who create them. While experiences within the headspace may seem quite vivid or feel visceral and may even have physical consequences and effects on each individual, events that take place inside the headspace are not happening in a physical sense.
Some systems with particular spiritual beliefs may understand their headspaces as physical places which exist in alternate dimensions or somewhere else in the universe. While these individuals are deserving of having their experiences heard and taken seriously, most headspaces in fact do not function in this way.
How can I make my own headspace?
To start, try to find a calm, quiet environment where you can be by yourself for a while. Close your eyes, and try to imagine the first piece of your headspace. This can be an area like a beach or a meadow, or something simpler like a plant or a piece of furniture. As you imagine this space or item, ask yourself questions like:
- What does this place or object look like?
- What does it feel like? If I imagine myself touching the object, or the things in the place around me, what textures might I encounter?
- What does it smell like? What does it sound like? How does it make me feel?
Envision using all 5 of your senses to imagine this place or object. Once you have a pretty good idea of what it looks, feels, smells, and sounds like, spend a little time just sitting in your space or with your object. Then, take a break from visualizing. Later, come back to it and try to imagine everything exactly as you did before. By leaving and coming back to it regularly, you can help ensure your headspace can somewhat exist even when you’re not actively thinking about it!
If you need help finding inspiration for your headspace, you can turn to image sites like Pixabay, Unsplash, or Pinterest to help you discover what helps you feel calm and safe. If you have access to other members of your system, perhaps consult with them to see what they’d like to have in a headspace and what you could create that would help them feel safe and comfortable.
Once you are able to comfortably and reliably access the place or item you’ve created, feel free to repeat the process to add to your headspace! Our system created our headspace in this way, and by this point it is a vast world full of different areas for our alters to exist in when they’re not fronting. But it started with one room - a living room with quilts tossed over couches, rugs all over the floor, and big, bright windows with sunflower curtains. Gradually we added rooms, then an outside, turning it into a treehouse, and just kept expanding from there!
Wrapping up
We know this post doesn’t go into much detail, but we hope this is useful to folks as a bit of an introduction to headspaces, what they are, and how to go about making one! We’re including some links below to posts and articles about headspaces and inner worlds - hopefully they can help even more! Best of luck to y’all with your endeavors to create a headspace that fills you and your system with peace and comfort!
^ this link uses “tulpamancy” language - our system has switched to “paromancy” language, which is less racist and less culturally appropriative! the guides on tulpa websites are still quite useful, but we wanted to include a disclaimer on the terminology.
(Image ID:) A pale orange userbox with a cluster of multicolored flowers for the userbox image. The border and text are both dark orange, and the text reads “all plurals can interact with this post!” (End ID.)
#headspace#headspaces#inner world#innerworld#safe space#inner safe space#wonderland#long post#note: the current fronters did not write this post#but we are more than happy to answer questions about headspaces to the best of our ability
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Heaven - Eddie Munson x Reader
Summary: Eddie had written off ever finding his person. Yeah he could fool around and have some fun, but at the end of the day no one would look at him the way he wanted them to. Until you came along and, in the most unexpected way, changed his life forever.
Pairing: Eddie Munson/Fem!Reader
Warnings/Themes: Fluff, Love at First Sight, Soulmates(?), Criticism of Religion/Catholicism, Implied Sexual Encounters, Implied Supernatural Encounters, Angst, Abandonment, Biblical and Other Literary References
Note: Set before Hell, we have our introduction to Reader/OC for my Van Helsing AU/Kas!Eddie series, As Above, So Below. Once again, this can be read as a stand-alone, but if you're planning on reading the eventual series, you might want to read the prequels.
That being said, this fic and the subsequent fics/chapters in the series will not be for the faint of heart. Please check the above warnings and ask yourself if you are in the correct headspace to proceed. I am happy to answer any questions via PM or Ask.
You can find the As Above, So Below masterlist here.
Please do not interact if you are not 18+.
Enjoy!
"Your place in heaven will seem to be made for you and you alone, because you were made for it. Made for it stitch by stitch as a glove is made for a hand."
—The Business of Heaven, Daily Readings from C.S. Lewis (1984)
March 1984
When Eddie met you, he had all but given up on finding love.
He had heard it all before.
He was young. He still had the rest of his life ahead of him. Maybe love wasn't in Hawkins. He just needed to have patience.
But it stung to watch the others receive affection, care, and understanding when he waited. Wanting, deserving, but never receiving.
Until you walked into the Hideout, wet and weary after a long drive to an unfamiliar place in unforgiving conditions.
You weren't some spectacular beauty, or otherworldly siren, or heavenly angel that he would expect in a fantasy novel or a DnD game. You were, quite frankly, a mess. But as you turned and nodded your head along to the music, Eddie swore his heartbeat was louder than Mickey's relentless assault on the drums.
He approached you at the end of the set as you sat at the bar nursing a cherry coke and circling want ads in the classified section of the Hawkins Post.
He asked you if you liked cheese fries before he even said hello.
And the laugh you made was loud and honking, but it was nevertheless perfect.
You were a disaster made, he hoped, just for him.
June 1984
“The trumpet shall sound and the dead shall rise,” Eddie muttered as he traced the words etched into your forearm. “That from the Bible?”
"Yeah."
“That’s pretty badass.”
While all of his classmates were dressed in their best clothes—their caps and gowns—being celebrated by the fanfare that befitted the class of 1984, you and Eddie were spread out in the back of his van in your underwear, studying each others tattoos after a day of swimming and skipping rocks at Lover's Lake.
It was a lazy kind of day.
You had sensed his anxiety in the days prior, when you asked about the end of the school year, about his plans after graduation. He initially wasn't going to tell you that he wouldn’t be graduating. He tried to skirt around it. But somehow you knew.
You always knew. Because you knew him.
You suggested a day out, just the two of you. Something special. As opposed to the many "dates" he had taken you on where his friends ended up tagging along. You promised you didn't mind, but he would have liked to kiss you freely without some doofus making lewd noises in the background.
But your idea had been perfect.
Graduation was played up to be some kind of achievement, something special. But how could it be when you were surrounded by a hundred other kids who all knew the same shit you did. Probably didn’t even know it, actually; they were just good at remembering it for a little while.
How could that feel special?
But this? Learning about you? It was more important than math or science or some other useless bullshit.
Knowing you—loving you—was the most special thing he could ever achieve. And he was proud to say that he was getting straight A’s.
“Listen," you started as Eddie pressed a kiss to your skin. "I know all of the love-thy-neighbor-Jesus shit is pretty lame. But…I don’t know, some things are cool.”
“Care to elaborate?” he asked.
“Some of the Saints…reliquaries, catacombs, the Book of Revelation,” you shrugged. “You can kind of choose what you want to believe in, I guess.”
“Isn’t that kind of the point of organized religion?” He huffed and rolled onto his back, pulling your arm across his torso so you could rest your head on his shoulder and your body could drape across his comfortably.
"Isn’t what the point?" You fished the sharp pendant of your necklace from between your bodies and laid it on his bare chest beside his.
His was simple, a guitar pick he'd caught at the first concert he ever attended.
Yours, intricate, a silver cross with flowers and vines intermingled around the arms. Hyacinths, you told him once. As though he knew what they were. But he made a mental note to try and find them for your birthday, since you seemed to like them enough to have a necklace with them.
“Well, it's organized. That you all believe the same…I dunno. Stories? Lessons?” He rambled on as his hand gestured absentmindedly.
“It's all just…rules made by old men,” you scoffed. “Some stuffy guy in the Vatican says…I don’t know…don’t step on a crack or you’ll break your mother’s back and earn a one way ticket to hell? And I’m supposed to believe it?”
“That’s just a superstition.” He paused for a moment and snorted. “Kind of ironic that I, a supposed devil worshiper, am telling you this, Miss Catholic School.”
You rolled your eyes at him but still smiled.
“Pretty sure if someone knows more about Satan between the two of us,” you giggled. “It’s me.”
“Shhh, you’re gonna ruin my reputation.”
July 1984
The 4th of July fell on the most perfect day.
It might have rained a little earlier that morning, but Eddie had certainly slept through it, and it made way for perfect skies and just the slightest slickness to the grass as he and the boys ran around the open fields surrounding Weathertop.
The van was full of fireworks, and Jack's mom had set them up with sandwiches and a few coolers of iced tea and lemonade. Mickey brought the beers. Eddie had the good sense to invite some of the younger guys too, which meant Gareth's mom had sent him along with a few extra pies she had made.
Apple, Strawberry Rhubarb, and Cherry—Eddie's favorite.
His mouth watered for the tantalizing summer feast, but he craved you more.
You were a little late to the party, having worked the opening shift at Bradley's, but before long your clunky, hand-me-down Marquis pulled up alongside his van.
"The freezers went down at work," you called to the boys. "So I have, like, a hundred boxes of bomb pops. Can I get some help before they melt? I have no A/C, so it’s hot as Hell."
It had just reached the height of the day, and the boys whooped and tripped over each other to get to the sweet, icy treats.
"In the backseat," you reminded them. "Not the trunk."
“Why don’t you let me take a look at your car?” Eddie asked, snaking his arms around your waist.
“To fix the a/c? If you want.” You shrugged but beamed at him. “It was my grandpa’s car. It’s on its last legs anyway.”
"At least let me look at the trunk." Eddie offered and you rolled your eyes at him, pushing him away from you playfully. "What? Then you wouldn't have to shove, like, a hundred boxes of bomb pops in the backseat."
"I swear, the trunk is just rusted shut at this point," you supplied with a laugh. "There's no use."
"Whatever you say, sweetheart," he pouted. He knew you knew when he was fishing for a kiss, but you gave in to his pouting anyway and immediately chased after his lips to plant one on him.
That night after the feast is consumed and everyone is enjoying the fireworks, Eddie couldn’t ignore the feeling that things were about to take a turn for the worst.
His closest friends would be gone soon, off to college and leaving him behind. His band practically broken apart, dreams shattered, if not for Gareth and Jeff.
Everything was changing.
And the only constant he could count on now was you.
He couldn’t help but worry how long it would be before you'd leave him too.
October 1984
The cicadas chirped and buzzed wildly. A mourning dove that had nested on top of the trailer in the spring and was still there and cooed restlessly, calling for a mate that had left it behind. The cheap window units Wayne had gotten from the hardware store ages ago chugged and clunked away to keep the trailer just on the side of cool enough to wear clothes.
They were sounds of summer, not fall, and most certainly not Halloween. But it was an unseasonably, disgustingly hot week, and it did nothing to help Eddie get into a chilling, haunted mindset as he planned a special one-off campaign for Hellfire on the 31st.
His repeat senior year hadn’t started off too well. The teachers were unforgiving, the students unkind. But he had promised Wayne he would try.
Things like the band and Hellfire certainly made it bearable.
You made it bearable.
You’d been working a lot of nights lately, but still made time for him and promised him special incentives and treats if he did well in school.
If he showed up on time for a week, you could have a sleepover at your apartment. Pass a test with a grade above a C, you’d tell him a secret.
He hadn’t gotten quite so good of a grade on a test yet but he had written a killer essay in English and he had negotiated your participation in Hellfire for Halloween, since the roster was slightly lacking this year. It hadn’t even taken much negotiation, really; you were just as excited to learn everything about him as he was about you.
So you’d spent a lazy Sunday afternoon with him as he explained the mechanics of the game and helped you create a character.
“…I forgot to mention if you do pick a rogue, you have proficiency in de—what’re you looking at now?”
He’d paused his lesson to grab some drinks, and when he returned, you were frozen in place, staring intently at a page in his players guide, brow furrowed. One of your hands clutched the book tightly, and the other touched the words on the page almost reverently.
He set your sodas on the nightstand and then glanced over at the book.
“Ah, we hadn’t gotten there yet,” he laughed and flopped down on the bed. “Tsk, tsk, reading ahead. But don’t worry, paladins are really cool. They pledge an oath to a deity—devote their whole lives—and then get this…divine ability so long as they uphold it. They can heal or even smite—”
You slammed the book shut at that and Eddie jumped in shock. You refused to look at him for a moment, rubbing your hands over the cover of the book in contemplation, before you looked up at him with a smile that didn’t quite reach your eyes.
“I think I’ll be a rogue,” you nodded. “That sounded really cool.”
“A-are you sure?” He asked.
“Yeah.” You cleared your throat and sank down into his pillows. You rested your cheek against his shoulder, nuzzled him slightly, and shoved the book back into his hands. “So what else do I need to play?”
November 1984
Eddie woke abruptly to frantic banging on the front door of the trailer.
It had been raining when he went to bed, which usually helped him sleep. At first he thought the storm had just gotten stronger.
Until he heard your voice.
You had abandoned the front door in favor of the side door near his bedroom. You tripped over the bowl he left for the stray cats and swore viciously. He chuckled tiredly until the banging started again and his heart seized in his chest.
You weren’t knocking. Your hands were practically slapping at the door.
“Please, God, please, please.” He could hear you muttering desperately.
He kicked the soft comforter off and pushed himself out of bed to get to you. As soon as the door was open you crashed into his chest, your arms wound around his waist, and you sobbed. Great, broken sobs that made his heart break.
He was about to put his arms around you, to soothe you and ask you what was wrong, when he smelled it.
Smoke. Fire. Acrid and cloying, engulfing you.
He looked down and was shocked. You were filthy; covered in dirt and soot and muck. The edges of your clothes and the ends of your hair were singed. You were visibly shaking.
"W-what happened?" Eddie asked frantically, prying your arms from around him, trying to see if you were hurt. He froze at the sight of blood caked on your hands and wrists. His stomach churned when he noticed the streaky stains it left below your nostrils. "Are you ok? Are you hurt? What happened?"
You simply shook your head and collapsed back against him.
He couldn't help the fear that overtook him, but he stayed strong as he pulled you into the trailer. As he got you into the shower and washed...whatever happened off of you. There were no cuts or burns or bruises. He tried to ask again, once you had calmed down enough that the tears fell silently and the only sounds you made were an occasional hiccup.
The next morning you were fine. You told him there was an accident at Bradley's. But there was no report on the news or in the paper. The building was fully intact. All of the staff were present and happily employed. You had no problem going back to work; in fact, you did so with a smile on your face.
Eddie never asked.
Because he knew you had secrets.
You never told him.
Because he never got a better grade than a C.
A month after that night, though, Hawkins National Laboratory was shut down and abandoned.
January 1985
"...can't I have anything for myself. It's unfair." Your muffled voice pierced through his dreams and pulled him into awareness.
He had been a light sleeper after that night in November, especially when you stayed over. You muttered in your sleep sometimes; it would wake him. You'd shift just far enough away; that would wake him too.
You had never had a full-on conversation before, though.
"Sins of the father, and sins of his father before that. Blah blah."
He blinked the bleariness from his eyes and watched as you paced at the foot of his bed. You wore nothing but your necklace. The cross swung wildly as your arms gestured and when you turned on your heel to continue your endless back and forth. Your voice was hushed.
It was half of an argument with an unseen adversary.
“I need a break…I know I haven’t been at this for long, but I’m sick and tired of it already.”
He vaguely wondered if you were hallucinating. A bad high. You’d always been reluctant to smoke with him but he had insisted tonight. After tangled limbs and quiet declarations in the sanctuary of his bedroom. Words of worship whispered to one another. The buzz beneath his skin had felt foreign and he figured the weed could mellow it out.
Maybe it had the opposite effect on you.
But then Eddie felt it.
As awareness settled over him, he felt an unseen, suffocating presence. It felt like the days where the weight of the world rested on his shoulders, only this time...the weight of the entire universe, every atom and every molecule, every moment--past, present, and future--existed all at once in his small bedroom and crushed him flat on his bed.
You continued on your one-sided rant and he didn’t know how you managed to move so freely when he felt so trapped, pinned in place by the weight of it. He tried to get your attention but he couldn't move, couldn't breath.
In the corner of his eye he swore he could see it. Blazing fire and wings and eyes.
He gasped and looked but saw nothing there. Still, the suffocating weight closed in on him further, pressing and squeezing, crushing him. And fear gripped him tightly. He wrenched his eyes shut and for the first time, probably in his life, he prayed.
He begged for it to go away.
Because if it didn't. He was going to die.
The bed shifted with your weight as you crawled to him and as soon as your hands reached him, he could breathe again.
“Eddie, oh my god please, are you ok?” You asked frantically, cupping his face in your hands. “Please say something.”
He gasped for air and sat up, clutching your hands to his face. You were his lifeline, his savior.
He closed his eyes and a million thoughts raced through his mind.What the fuck was that? Are you ok? Maybe he had a bad high, not you? Was it a nightmare? What the fuck was that?
February 1985
Your goodbye was expected. But that didn't mean it didn't cut him straight to his core.
You had been waiting for him one Friday night after Hellfire; he had driven the guys home only to find you waiting outside the trailer. Your car was packed with your belongings, similar to the way it had been the night you had stumbled into Hawkins.
He felt like vomiting as soon as he saw you.
You fed him some story about a sick, dying grandmother. How your mother had left a message on your answering machine begging you to come back home.
"She needs me," you told him.
"I need you," he replied desperately.
You couldn't do much more than shake your head and break down in tears.
"I'll come back," you promised. "It won't be long. Just wait for me."
In hindsight, he wished he had screamed and cried and begged you to stay. He wished that he had offered to go with you. Chicago wasn't that far. Wayne would have been mad, but then...Eddie would still have you.
Eddie was a good liar, though. He could fool anyone if he tried hard enough. He could even lie to himself.
He smiled and nodded and pretended to understand.
"Sure," he agreed. "I'll wait."
Your eyes started watering and you pulled him into the tightest hug. He wrapped his arms around you numbly, and as he did, he vaguely remembered some bullshit myth--
How humans were created...conjoined together. 4 arms, 4 legs, a head with two faces...but the Gods feared their power, split them in two. Condemned them to spend their lives apart.
--And he wished that he had some sort of secret, divine power to meld himself back together with you. Because surely, you belonged there with him. And if he concentrated on squeezing you just right, you would simply fuse together and you would never be apart again.
Life didn't work that way though.
You reluctantly pulled away from him and pressed a wet kiss to his lips.
Before you got in the car to drive away forever, you took off your necklace and pressed the cross into his hand. It practically burned.
"Don't lose that," you told him. "I'll be back for it."
He closed his fist around it and nodded, unable to trust himself with words.
He watched as you drove away, stayed standing outside until he couldn't see your tail lights anymore.
He let himself in the trailer, glad that Wayne was still at work--
You'd be back. You promised. You loved him. He loved you. You told him almost everything. You brought him hope. And care. And you made him feel complete. You'd be back.
--as he threw your necklace into the furthest corner of the room.
As he screamed in agony.
“Life moves very fast. It can go from Heaven to Hell in a matter of seconds.”
—Eleven Minutes, Paulo Coelho (2003)
#Eddie munson x reader#Eddie munson fluff#Eddie munson angst#stranger things fic#stranger things Eddie munson#As Above So Below
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hi bunny, sorry for sending this, but I really am sad and desperate. I've been trying to save myself for years, I don't want to go into details about my situation because it's really painful to talk about, but in summary: I've been isolated at home for four years with depression and no friends, with a really bad and bad life. I can take care of myself. I entered ND dualism looking for freedom and not just desires, but I ended up finding myself in a huge mess. After reading so many posts about the loa and the ND everything is confusing and I'm in a state of “I can't do anything other than keep myself safe” and it's so painful, I know it's the ego and I'm typing as the ego, because I I can not take it anymore. I know that I can live something better and that it already exists, I really want to live a good life and not take it away from me like I tried in the past, I want to have a loving family, friends and live in peace without stressing about concepts, teachers, enlightenment and religion, without the weight of guilt for thinking on my own and having a simpler view, completely validating myself without mentally justifying myself by apologizing for being “wrong” to other bloggers. Bunny, I really want to do something good and I really want help organizing it. I'm sorry again for saying all this
I had already had an experience of being conscious when I was younger without knowing any of this and I was just a child existing, it actually happened frequently and became less and less over the years due to difficult situations. I really wanted peace and freedom to feel sure of myself and not follow any concept but my set of beliefs, but everything is so confusing, it's sad that it's difficult
Não sou uma pessoa religiosa ou espirituosa (não acredito e para mim isso não existe), simplesmente tenho um ponto de vista simples e direto sobre as coisas.
bunny, if you could help me I would be very grateful, but just saying this makes me happy and relieved, because I spent months avoiding out of paranoia that I would disappoint the non-dualist bloggers I liked because I was being inferior to them
My sweet anon, you have absolutely no reason to apologize at all and I am so happy that you messaged me. I am so grateful that you reached out; it takes a huge amount of courage to ask questions when you are afraid that the person answering is going to make you feel inferior, and I want to commend you on that and also reassure you that you are wise, intelligent, and in no way inferior to me. I am also happy that you felt a little relieved after typing your feelings out - the worst thing that we can do when we are filled with intense feelings is to bottle them up, because they have to get out somehow; I am so happy that you are talking about them, please never stop sharing how you feel and talking to others when you are frightened or sad!
I apologize for answering your ask so late, this was sent a month ago and I wanted to make sure I was in the proper headspace to give you the best response I could. I actually kept overcomplicating my answer to you and rewrote it like three times haha, so I am hoping that this response is as effective as possible. This will be broken down into three sections:
You are not inferior to anyone
Choose your own adventure - it's all okay!
Steps to regain your internal compass
Final thoughts
Let's go!
1.) You are not inferior to anyone.
First of all, I want to acknowledge the pain that you’re in. I am so sorry that you are going through such painful and difficult circumstances, you absolutely do not deserve to be going through whatever it is that you’re going through and I hope that you know this. I also very importantly want you to know that you are not inferior to anyone in any way. Not to me, not to ND bloggers, not to your neighbour, celebrities, your best friend, ANYONE. No one on planet earth is more worthy, important, or special than any other person on planet earth; all of us have an extremely important role to play simply because we exist! From the ND perspective, all of us (our egos/characters/etc.) are an extension of Self/pure consciousness, expressing itself in an infinite number of ways; if you are here as your ego, full of their quirks and preferences and problems, then that means your true Self wanted to experience your ego and love everything about them! All of us as egos are infinitely loved and chosen, because all of us were created, period. Additionally, the entire reason that we learn about spiritual practices and manifesting in the first place is to give us a deep sense of peace, love of life, and to know that absolutely anything is possible to ALL of us - not just those who are more “knowledgeable” or “more advanced.” If anyone, and I truly mean anyone, ever makes you feel unworthy, stupid, unloved, or inferior, please remember that it has absolutely no baring on your true worth. You are loveable, amazing, lovely, wise, and worthy of a good, good life, and you are doing a fantastic job. Asking questions, getting curious, and not having all of the answers does not make you inferior or stupid. It actually makes you really beautiful, because you are putting in the work to understand how to love yourself and give yourself the gift of a beautiful life! There is a really beautiful quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that says, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” This is actually a really interesting quote when we look at it through a Law of Assumption lens, but that’s a whole other post that I’ll make some day! Haha.
Like I said earlier, I spent almost a month and a half trying to figure out the best way to answer your message, and today I realized that the answer was not only staring me in the face but was also INCREDIBLY simple. In fact, you’ve already answered it yourself! "I really wanted peace and freedom to feel sure of myself and not follow any concept but my (own) set of beliefs." The answer to your confusion, sweet anon, is to go within yourself, look at the beliefs that bring you peace, and abandon anything else, or in simpler words, become your own greatest teacher. Let’s explain why, and then I’ll explain how.
2.) Choose your own adventure - it's all okay!
The main difference between LOA and ND, at least from my understanding of both concepts, is that LOA finds peace and happiness through the ego (by manifesting its desires, using the ego’s preferences as a compass, living a wonderful life through the lens of a human character, etc.), and ND finds peace and happiness through transcending the ego (through pure acceptance of all circumstances as perfect, and the beautiful bliss that comes from that). When we look at it like this, ND would be considered the “true truth” of pure inner peace because it doesn’t rely on things being “good/not bad” and instead is blissful towards all experiences, which is really beautiful and freeing and is why people refer to it as the true truth. But this does not mean that LOA is incorrect or “bad” or doesn’t bring peace, it just means that we are using a spiritual practice that helps us gain feelings of peace and control and empowerment while still being attached to our ego. Of course, true "enlightenment" cannot be achieved THROUGH the ego because it is the ego that prevents this from happening in the first place haha, but that doesn't mean that we cannot experience peace and joy and happiness and love through the ego while still experiencing limitations! In my opinion, Law of Assumption is the closet thing to true peace and freedom that one can experience through the ego, with the understanding that the ego is what creates lack and sorrow. In summary, "true peace" and abandonment of all sorrow can only be achieved through getting rid of the ego, but there is nothing wrong with experiencing love and joy and peace while the ego is still there, it's just a different and fun way of living.
Does that make sense? There is nothing wrong with choosing to apply the LOA and living as your ego. It doesn't make you inferior, it is a personal choice and it's also a really fun choice, too! Yes, when you are attached to your ego you are in a constant state of wanting more and more and will have doubts, lack, and limitation, but sometimes it’s fun to have those limitations - I mean, Self CHOSE to experience Itself as a human to PUT those limitations on Itself! Experiencing life as a human with complicated emotions is a beautiful and challenging thing to do and you don’t have to feel guilty for simply wanting to feel good. The whole point of ND is that it's alllllllll good. Everything that you chose to do is fine and beautiful and loveable.
What I’m trying to say is, both concepts exist to bring feelings of pure joy and peace, even if they come from different perspectives. Eckhart Toelle, who was one of the first teachers of non-duality that I encountered, said that the human feelings of peace, joy, and love are the natural feelings of the true Self, and that when we are feeling those feelings we are connected to that true Self essence. We now know the main difference between LOA and ND, but just for a moment let’s ignore the differences and ask ourselves some important questions; why do we learn about the Law of Assumption? To find peace, to love ourselves and our lives, and to learn the truth that we are the conscious creators of our lives. Why do we learn about Non-Dualism? To find peace, to love ourselves and our lives, and to learn the truth that we are the conscious creators of our lives.
So, if all we are doing is trying to give ourselves peace and wonderful enjoyment of life, it shouldn't matter to you if someone tells you that something is the “true truth” if it's not what you're needing right now. If something brings you wonderful peace of mind and enjoyment of life, why would we allow conflicting information to challenge that peace?
THIS is the problem with over-consuming information on spirituality and manifestation, because we begin to doubt ourselves when we add more and more onto our belief system and confuse ourselves. YES, it is very important to expand our beliefs by asking ourselves questions and YES, it is the very nature of a spiritual journey to learn and grow and challenge our beliefs; I am not saying that we should not question the information that we receive. But it is also the nature of spirituality to find peace and comfort in our difficult human lives, and it is a very, very personal and unique journey to each individual person. So, how do we break out of the overconsumption cycle? We become our own best teachers.
Anon, you asked for help in organizing your belief system and to get to a place where you feel certain in yourself, and I absolutely love that idea. I will turn this into a full post later on, but in the meantime, here are some steps you can follow to reconnect with yourself:
3.) Steps to regain your internal compass.
To begin, think about and write down all of the beliefs that you currently have that bring you peace, excitement, self-love, happiness, and joyful feelings in general. These can be from your own mind, from LOA or ND teachers, from the back of cereal boxes, WHEREVER. What matters is that these are truths to you and that they bring you joy. Remember that you create the meaning in your life, so do not question whether or not these beliefs of yours are “correct.” These beliefs ARE correct, as long as they bring you peace.
Now, whenever you listen to a lecture from Edward Art on the Law of Assumption, or whenever you read excerpts from Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj on Non-Dualism, or whenever you see a post on LOA or ND from a tumblr blogger, do not blindly accept every sentence that these people say as truth. Instead, notice the sentences and words that light you up and bring you excitement and peace and understanding. Notice the lines that make you go “YES! I Get it! I finally understand it!” Notice the lines that empower you and make you feel like God. Edward Art often talks about taking one or two sentences that really feel like the "keys" to your freedom and understanding; turn those sentences over in your head try to really comprehend and feel them. These are the “true truths” that light you up and give you the empowerment and answers that you need. And obviously, whenever you have your own insights and thoughts, write them down and feel them too! You mentioned that you had the experience of being conscious when you were younger - ask your younger self what THEY would tell you is a true truth and write it down if it resonates with you!
When someone tells you something that makes you feel confused, frustrated, or disempowered, question it: what about this belief is untrue to me? Why do I feel yucky about what they said - is it because it clashes with a belief that makes me feel peaceful? Is it possible if I look at it a different way I could make it peaceful and empowering, or is the original idea very limiting in its origin? Is this belief coming from transcendence of the ego or through the ego (both are fine, but it’s important to know which one it is coming from so that you can understand its intent)? What do I need to feel peaceful right now?
Keep this collection of notes, quotes, and beliefs nearby when you need reminders of peace and empowerment, and return to them often. As you grow and learn overtime, some beliefs will change, some will become more prominent, and some you will have an even deeper understanding of later on.
This is how you build your internal compass. This is how you become your best teacher. And this is how you remove the confusion and frustration that studying multiple concepts at once can bring. I really like learning about LOA and ND at the same time now that I have a fundamental understanding of both, but it was so difficult to weave through the two truths when they come from completely different places from one another (one you must abandon your ego, and one you must dive into your ego's personal preferences). But now that I understand them both, it is easy to apply each of the concepts to different areas of my life depending on how I want to approach them. For example, when I am feeling overwhelmed and don't want to take control of my life anymore and I am getting too caught up in the difficulties my ego experiences, I return to the feeling of true bliss that my true identity is Self and simply get to watch my ego experience itself with pure bliss. When I'm having fun being my little human self and feeling all of the emotions that comes with it, I love practicing LOA and feeling fulfilled and daydreaming specific things that only my ego cares about. Both are so, so peaceful and fun, and it is through my understanding of both that I am able to relax and feel peaceful!
4.) Final thoughts.
I hope that this has brought you a little comfort and clarity, sweet anon. I know that it is a complicated journey, and a scary one at times, too. I had had full on meltdowns when I first started learning about ND and LOA at the same time, because it was so confusing and honestly angering to learn and unlearn and learn and unlearn. However, I came out of it with a huge sense of peace and understanding of my own internal compass that now gives me peace and direction, because I decided to listen to the best teacher I had - me! Your best teacher will be you, and I am certain that you will discover your own understanding and peace if you continue to practice showing up for yourself and listening to your own inner voice. It is strong and it is intelligent; do not doubt it, nurture it and listen to it!
Finally, I want to once again stress how important it is to not let anyone make you feel inferior, whether it is on your spiritual journey or in any other part of your life. You are on a very unique journey that is different from every other person's very unique journey; you are showing up to every new piece of information with a completely different background than anyone else. Please have patience with yourself and remember that there is no one on earth who has a better understanding of your own life than you. It is also important to remember that not everyone who has expert knowledge on a concept has expert teaching skills. There are some bloggers with a lot of incredible knowledge of ND and LOA on this website, but who do not have very compassionate teaching skills. To teach properly and effectively means to have patience and acceptance of your students; not everyone on this website has those skills. Do not blame yourself for being “dumb” when it is the teacher who is unable to explain concepts in a way that is understandable to you. If someone makes you feel dumb and reacts angrily to you not understanding what they are saying, question it - maybe they are the “dumb” one for not being able to put into words what you need to understand. (note: I don’t believe anyone is dumb and that is why it is in quotation marks. I also believe that there are a lot of people answering questions for free and being very generous with their time, and that is a very respectable thing and I am grateful to everyone who wants to share their knowledge with others. As always, this is a nuanced thing that I just want to offer perspective on <3)
Please take care of yourself, and know that you are a lovely and wonderful person who is deserving of the absolute best that life has to offer, anon. I am rooting for you! <3
Love,Bunny 💕
#law of assumption#non dualism#bunny's originals#i hope i handled this in a way that made sense oof 😭 it's complicated but it's worth the perseverance#love you all very much
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hey I'm back again,
I have a second DID question
How do you get to know others in the system? Most people (from what little I've heard about DID) don't even realize they have it
Could there be more than one person "piloting" (for lack of knowledge about proper terminology) and that's how they meet, and then it's just spread throughout as more and more "converse" (again idk about the lingo I'm sorry) with each other?
Or is it as you realize you just stick certain actions and behaviors to your brain mates?
first DHDJDJD BRAIN MATES love that taking that phrase now /silly
secondly!! we're not exactly sure what u mean so apologies in advance if we don't answer u correctly! but!!
communication is always hard, more so for newly discovered systems, its hard to start and keep communication but we did loads of things we heard that could help kick start communication when we first learned we could be a system, we tried talking to them out load, left sticky notes, journals, pictures ect ect until one day we opened out notebook and see a paragraph written in it we know that we (louis at the time) 100% didn't write it was short and sweet, just emily saying she saw our (louis's) questions and tried to answer as best she could, she didn't know her own name at the time, and just wrote her favorite colors, and how she gets scared around the loud noises in the house and said she'd like a nightlight in case she ever fronted and got scared and we (louis) was so happy and surprised and nervous because this was the first time any of us reached out! and after that more started slowly getting comfortable and writing until we got comfortable enough and started talking in headspace and now here we are! we still write messages cuz sometimes its just easier that way
and sometimes we do meet others by just doing our own thing and someone we've never heard just speaks and catches us off guard, sometimes our gatekeeper allows one headmates to come forward and interact more with the system it all just depends!
and sometimes we'll do things oddly or differently or feel different emotions towards certain things and not understand why until we discover a new headmate and figuring out its just them and their personality
we don't know everything about ourselves and each other because we're all different people who change and grow over time but we know enough to understand how different headmates prefer to be and what they like and dont like!
#is that what u mean?#if not ahh sorry!!!#we didn't really understand what u we're asking 😖 /nm#but we hope we at least got some of it right!!!#wood wide web#system stuff
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As my identified reference about Sara and August, I have a question for you about the end of s1.
When Sara goes to August's room to confront him, they end up kissing. Before I saw S2, I thought Sara was not really consenting, giving the way she looks away. I thought August was taking avantage of her.
Do you think she was "enjoying it" at that time, but maybe was wondering what was happening ?
Thanks for your ask! I’m happy to be your sargust expert.
And now to address your question. It’s an uncomfortable question to answer, but I’ll do my best to answer it all the same. Content note that we’re about to get into discussing consent and other difficult topics related to sexuality.
Generally my read on the situation is: yes, Sara consented. At the same time, she’s conflicted about her feelings for August in that scene, so I think what we’re seeing when she looks away is her struggling with her feelings about her desires.
While we talk a lot about the more positive depictions of sexual behavior in Young Royals, one thing that’s true about the show is that it actually depicts a range of sexual behaviors. Earlier in season 1, we have Simon nervously but happily kissing Wilhelm on movie night, but we also have Felice showing up at August’s room and initiating a hookup not out of desire but out of feelings of anger and insecurity. Felice and August both consent to the latter encounter, but both of them do so while in a negative headspace. Sara’s encounter with August in 1.6 occupies a sort of middle space between these two extremes. This is even evident by how the scene is blocked and directed. Sara showing up at August’s door reminds us of the way Felice shows up, but her first tentative kisses remind us of Simon on movie night. Sara does feel genuine desire—she’s the one who initiates the kissing, at first—but she’s also struggling with that desire and what it means for her understanding of herself, her relationship with her family, etc.
Another piece of important context for the confrontation scene is that both Sara and August are in not the best headspace. August has been grappling with the fact that he betrayed his core value of discretion released the video, and a lot of the buried resentment he feels toward Wilhelm has come to the surface. This is coming on the heels of August barely avoiding being kicked out of Hillerska after not being able to pay his boarding feels. Sara encountered her father in person on Lucia night—something caused by Simon going behind her back—and her house is now being hounded by journalists and her mom is threatening to pull her out of a school where she’s finally made friends. While neither of them is in as awful or traumatic a place as Wilhelm or Simon, for obvious reasons, I don’t imagine either of them has been sleeping well or taking care of themselves. This is likely something that’s cutting down on their usual inhibitions, and their decisions are driven partially by bad mental health/a stress response.
Regardless of the fact that Sara consents, I also think we’re meant to feel uncomfortable in that scene because we know how quickly things could go in a negative direction where Sara’s consent is disregarded. We know August’s views of women are crap. He has a lot more privilege, between the two of them, and he’s physically taller and stronger than Sara. If I recall (I’m trying not to rewatch the scene right now so I don’t accidentally rewatch Young Royals when I need to get work done) we even see him lift Sara up and put her on his desk. In a more idealized/less realistic teen drama, the directors might have tried to turn this into a ~sexy move~ via camera work, lighting, and sound mixing. But here it’s merely a demonstration of physical strength, and one that Sara’s not initially expecting. I don’t think Sara’s feeling threatened or coerced, in that moment, even if she’s surprised and even if all of this physical contact is new to her—I imagine season 2 would have played out very differently if she had felt that way—but I do think that we, as audience members, are supposed to feel the possibility of that threat, and worry for her.
(Something I also have considered in season 2 is the way that Sara is initiating a lot of the physical contact at the beginning of season 2, while also knowing August’s secret. Theoretically she could have blackmailed him into hooking up with her by threatening to go to the police with information. She doesn’t attempt to blackmail him, and August consents to physical contact with her even when he’s surprised by it. But the context in which Sara kisses August in 2.2 is supposed to bring this idea into our head, I think. Maybe. I go back and forth on what the writers want us to think there.)
Another way to think about these scenes, also, is that some sex educators recognize multiple categories of consent. For instance, Angela Chen recognizes four in her book on asexuality. Chen would probably label Sara’s consent in 1.6 as willing, but not enthusiastic. Likewise with August’s consent in 2.2.
Tl;dr consent is a complex topic and different sex educators have different paradigms about consent. Young Royals wholly acknowledges the importance of consent in sexual situations, while also acknowledging that not everyone who consents does so at perfect times, or with pure, uninterrupted feelings of love and desire in their heart. And I think being aware of that makes it easier to interpret scenes like the one above.
Hope this answers your question! There really are a lot of emotional layers to this show.
#young royals#sara eriksson#august young royals#sargust#consent talk#asks#cw consent violations#(there’s probably a better label for this but I’m struggling for words)
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The Polly/Oz Shipping Post for Personal Mental Well-Being
It's been one of those past couple days, and frankly I'm in need of a break from... well a lot of thoughts. I've not been absorbing some stuff well. I'd normally slip into Gwenpool stuff, but at the moment that's kinda being a mental drain. So, I need to focus on something positive and happy and anything that makes me smile and- oh look Polly and Oz of Monster Prom!
For something that is not technically canon in any respect, because Monster Prom's canon is whatever the hell you want it to be relationship wise, Polly and Oz have always spoke to me as the S-Tier Romance of the game. Sure, many people ship Oz with Damien and Polly is... well I'm not sure who is preferred. I've noticed at least one person goes REALLY hard for Polly and Vicky. Regardless both and all Monster Prom ships, regardless of popularity are equally valid. This isn't a definitive statement about canon because right now canon isn't always the answer for me. Even though a lot of Monster Prom's promotional material likes to show Polly teasing Oz in an overtly flirty manner, that isn't a definitive statement about the creator's preferences. They've had Oz decide to date Zoe in a Monster Road Trip trailer, it means nothing. (Although Zoe is fricking awesome and is my second romance choice behind Polly) What matters most in Monster Prom, at least to me, is emotional connection and compatibility. I think it's the same for, well, frankly a lot of ships.
So this is a bit of Fandom Mentality self-care where I talk about why I've written in my mind that Polly and Oz make the most sense for romantic partners. Because I love them a lot and I find them cute and I think it just makes sense. So... let's start.
So, Oz... why do I main Oz so much is probably the real question I should be asking myself? Maybe because they fit the most with me and my high school experience. Oz is an extreme introverted, nervous social outcast. Everything about his dialogue and actions we can see him doing in the game suggests he is a mega nerd, a good student and, quite frankly, at the bottom of the Spooky High totem pole. Like I was.
I'm not a Vicky who was bold and outgoing, I'm not a Brian who was aloof and tried to coast, I'm certainly not Amira, the fiery bad girl. No, I was Oz, perpetually afraid of high school even as I took the work seriously but constantly wanted to get out of there because it was a fucking pressure cooker!
The difference between me and Oz is obvious, THEY are some kind of amorphous shadow creature who, apparently, is the embodiment of fear. He's probably older than even Liam. He's quite possibly super powerful. And his little imaginary friends who he uses to try to cope are real, they're those little phobias who pop up around him and do cute things. And yet, they choose to be THIS, they choose to be this scared high schooler who is insular, lonely looking and desperate for love/affection. At the very least he seems to WANT acceptance. Like most of the super thirsty monsters among the main characters of the game. I identified with that a lot. He doesn't want to hurt anyone, he's clearly lonely and probably not always in the best place mentally as he tries to navigate a high school that he probably doesn't need to be in. Honestly, none of the monsters need to be there though, I mean... they don't exactly LEARN anything there as far as I can tell. I'm not even sure if they have a full staff of teachers or if most of them are just jokes.
So I've always just seen Oz as my closest facsimile to my High School experience, at least in terms of how it felt, terrified of everything and wondering if I even belonged there. So while I like the other characters, Vicky and Brian especially, I always felt more connected to Oz as a result. I know this sounds like "He/They are Literally Me FR", but it's more... I just can more easily place myself into Oz's headspace and emotionally connect with him to a degree. I don't think I'd make all the choices he does, but I can certainly understand him the most out of all the characters in the cast.
When the eventual Monster Prom Reverse is released, I fully expect Oz's character will be better fleshed out. If he hasn't been already in those Monster Road Trip sequences where he can be a hitchhike passenger. This is mostly just my interpretation based on what I've seen. This is the unique thing about Monster Prom shipping when it involves anything with the MCs. A lot of it is speculation and, a little if not a lot, of self-insertion. So it's best to always keep that in mind. This is a dating sim after all, fantasy wish fulfillment is inevitable, it's something even the game criticizes about itself a lot. That a lot of this is very silly and stupid and unrealistic in terms of actually setting up a real relationship with someone, especially a romantic one. It's why it usually doesn't take itself too seriously. Which is epitomized by, who else...
Polly Geist, the ghost party girl who I'd call the face of Monster Prom if I didn't think Damian could arguably be just as much at this point, at least Tumblr wise. Polly is still super popular though and its easy to see why. She funny, fun, cool, extremely sex positive, her outlook is very progressive, lighthearted and she is herself... sexy as hell. She's just a really fun character and it's hard not to enjoy any of her scenes on their own.
Whether she's pulling pranks with Scott, (Well, mostly leading Scott into pulling pranks because the dude is too stupid and nice to know how to do them) starting food fights by flashing people, causing general mayhem in the pursuit of advancing the science of partying or scamming you into performing a nonsensical sex act, Polly is highlight of Monster Prom. Even when she's too drunk to know what's going on, or high, or drunk and high, Polly is the afterlife of the party... which goes on forever from her perspective because she's dead. And yet despite that she is the love interest in Monster Prom who loves life the most and refuses to not spend it to its fullest. You have to admire that level of extroverted joy.
But Polly is not a superficial party girl, she might be dead and therefore removed from all consequences of her lifestyle, but she isn't a shallow sex obsessed ghost. She has actual depth, probably the most out of the other main love interests, barring maybe Vera, but that's mostly because of her sisterhood with Valerie gives her some much needed motivation beyond just being an evil criminal mastermind/capitalist. (Although I imagine a few people would say there's little difference between the two professions) Polly's depth is ALL hers. Because this is the thing... Polly's Forever 22, Stupid and Partying attitude? It's a front.
Oh she doesn't actually HATE partying, sex or drugs. She loves and is ALL about that. That's as much who she is as anything, but she plays up the idea that she's an idiot... when she's far from anything. Polly is actually an accomplished MASTER Chess player, a highly advanced gaming skill level that requires a lot of forward thinking and strategizing. She really good at Chemistry, mostly because it enables to make her own drugs, but Chemistry is a highly analytical field involving math, problem solving and attention to detail. Her favorite field of study though is literature, Classic Russian Literature in the vein of Tolstoy and Dostoevsky. This is reflected in one of the Pre-Game Skill Boost choices, where the FUN option (Which is Polly personified) involves making a movie that has several of the most famous Russian Novelists going off on a Hangover-style adventure.
The point is, Polly isn't an idiot. She's actually highly intelligent... so why does she act like a fool? Because... she wants to. She wants to spend her afterlife how she most desires. That doesn't preclude her other interests of course, she still loves chess, chemistry and "War & Peace", but she's capable of more than just those nerdy pursuits. She pushes herself to remain highly socially, outgoing, never allowing her love of life to dim even in death. And she just doesn't want to advertise, I think, her more intellectual pursuits. Likely because she doesn't want to appear above all of that, as better than the people she cares about, because she does care about people.
Scott is probably her best friend, as a Fellow Prank Masterz (With a Z). And Scott IS an idiot, like a complete idiot. Look up the word Himbo in the dictionary and you find his face. He might be a lovable genuinely nice werewolf jock... but he is very clearly a dumbass. But Polly will spend time with him, why? Because she's enjoys his company, she enjoys being with him and pulling pranks. She never considers being more intelligent than him as something to lord over Scott. She might easily lead him into some situations, but she never wants to make him feel inferior to her.
And that attitude extends to other people, like Kale. You might know him as the plant guy, as well as the Asexual/Aromantic character of the game. He has no interest in sex or romance... but Polly hangs out with him and smokes weed with him anyway. When your character tries to seduce Kale (albeit you do not know he is an ace at the time) Polly is irate with you for making shit weird. It's very clear Polly understands and respects personal boundaries. She'll tease people, try to make them come out of their shells, open up, live a little... but if she knows that someone is not interested she won't push things. Kale is a friend and despite being a flirty party girl, she does not do anything to jeopardize that with him.
There's a lot I could on with about Polly honestly, her friends with benefits relationship with Faith of the Coven, her sunny friendship with the cold Vera, her seemingly really good organizational skills for setting up an Orgy... but at some point I'd just be arguing that Polly is best girl and that's not why we're here. I'd just wanted to lay this all out so we better understood who Polly is.
So why with Oz? I'd be lying if there wasn't some sort of wish fulfillment element to it. Like I said, a lot of dating sims fall into this category and Monster Prom doesn't pretend its any better, it's just trying to acknowledge it and offer a different take on it. So the idea of a popular party girl falling for a neurotic nerd who's afraid of everything is no doubt appealing to me on a personal level, but I like to think there's more to it. If only so my enjoyment of this pairing isn't completely concieted sounding.
Here's the deal, Polly's obvious flirting with Oz, pushing his buttons, taking an interest in him, is clearly an effort to get him to come out of his bubble and enjoy things. To not be so scared to live life. I don't think any of it is pushy though, it's mostly knowing looks, brushing her hands along sensitive spots, she's gentle about it. She never seems to be forcibly pushing Oz to leave his safe space, but urging him to try.
The idea that Oz would be willing to try, because this crazy hot ghost girl takes an interest in him is... well frankly cute in both respects. Him because he's willing to take a risk for personal self-growth. Her because she seems to be doing this without any concept of a reward. She's not overtly trying to get in his pants and I don't think she's maliciously messing with him, playfully yes, but she clearly doesn't have sinister designs to make a fool of him. She's just decided Oz could use the chance to escape his box and she'd like to be the lockpick... and knowing her she'd probably make that into innuendo, but that's just Basic Polly at that point.
But why would Polly be interested in Oz romantically? We can already discern why Oz would be. Polly is a sexy fun party girl, she seems to take an interest in him despite having the pick of the litter. Finding out her hidden depths would like only make Oz like her more, although I suspect he'd be concerned that he thought less of her for a bit. Ultimately Polly is designed, like all the love interests, to illicit this response with ANY of the main characters you can play as. The thing that makes it different, special with Oz is that his personality as the shy nerd boy makes their match with the outgoing party girl appealing aesthetically. But why would Polly be into Oz?
Well those hidden depths I mentioned are part of it to a degree. Polly's intellectual pursuits never held her back. She probably doesn't want the same for Oz. Although I feel their more calm, collected and less extroverted nature would give Polly an anchor that she probably sometimes needs. While she is good at knowing when to stop, what her limits are and should be, let's not kid ourselves, like everyone at Spooky High, Polly has a tendency to go overboard to an extreme degree. Like, one of her endings involves the literal apocalypse so... yeah. Polly could use a tether and she probably wants that to some extent. Both for reasons I'll explain soon and reasons I've already stated. Polly likes to know when she is crossing a line because she isn't outwardly malicious, she doesn't want to hurt people in her pursuit of fun. Polly only ever gets mad if you're ruining her fun by being boring or just by being a jerk to people she thinks don't deserve it. And Oz likely knows better at times what lines she doesn't want to cross herself.
Another part of it is who Oz is himself, besides seeing some things in him that are like her, Oz doesn't come across as the kind of person who would consider Polly as just another sexy girl they can bag. Oz very clearly respects Polly, that's what a lot of the point of the events that can lead to dating of the love interests in the game are about, respect. Respect for yourself and respect for the person you want to be with, understanding who they are and appealing to those aspects, showing you're willing to meet them at their level. In my mind, if anyone would respect Polly as a person rather than just a shallow sex kitten a lot of people sometimes see her as, it would be Oz.
And this is because... well Oz himself, or themself, isn't all they appear to be. They are, after all, the embodiment of fear. As I alluded to, Oz does not seem to fit in Spooky High in any sense. He's probably more of an Eldritch than even Zoe. At least Zoe has a recognizable form as basically an adorable version of some sort of Lovecraft Mythos Tentacle Beast. Oz is some sort of shadow creature. Some people have assumed he's like Slender Man or something to that effect. An SCP that's gone rogue and decided to attend high school. He should not be intimidated by anything here. Although I imagine, if anything could make a shadowy creature that is the living concept of fear itself quake in terror, it would be high school. Oz doesn't strike me as someone who sees people as what they are on the outside. Oh imagine he would be shocked to see how different Polly is on the inside, but he's not going to let that completely deter him. If nothing else I think Oz is a very determined shadow creature. Why would he keep up this appearance of a pathetic frightened geek? Maybe because he is genuinely frightened, maybe he has other motives, maybe he's just doesn't want to be defined by what the world says he has to be. But I am certain that, at the very least, he chooses to be what he is now as much Polly chooses to be what she is now. In a strange way, they're both seemingly living an afterlife... or different life.
As a sort of aside, there is something to be said on a mythic level too of a ghost, a spirit typically meant to evoke fear in people of the inevitability and permanence of death, and a creature that is the literal personification of fear itself, falling in love. A spirit that was once mortal and a being that has just always been since time immemorial. It's kinda like something out of Neil Gaiman's "The Sandman" when you look at it in that respect. And I do like me some Sandman.
But if that's not enough to convince you of at least some substantive reason for why I like Polly and Oz together... well here we go. The one time Polly ever got serious feels most appropriate when it is connected to Oz rather than any other character, to me. Let's talk about the Locket.
The Locket is an Event Item you can unlock in Valerie's Store, like most of the added Event Items that were added in around the Holiday Season, it's meant to flesh out the love interests some. While they're not exactly lighthearted, Scott's deals with being abandoned as a pup, they're not exactly bereft of comedy either. But The Locket comes close. It starts out with the mysterious haunted inhabitant of the locket trying to share his sad story of lost love... and then Polly shows up and decides to hijack that whole plot as she do! Because she's gonna smoke it! Yeah, she's gonna literally smoke a locket and she wants you to join her. This leads to a few choices about responsible drug use, probably useful. Honestly if I ever did drugs I'd at least want to be safe about it.
However the good times of you enabling Polly's addictions is somewhat ruined by the untimely arrival of the Coven, Spooky High's pre-eminent supernatural hero squad in the vein of Charmed/Buffy, except not objectively terrible (Charmed) or written by an asshole. (Buffy) They're quick to do the usual "Just Say No" deal at Polly, wishing she wouldn't supplement her partying with constant drug use. Polly, dropping her usual fun façade, gets serious and lectures back. Insisting she is not being irresponsible... she's dead. And therefore nothing she does can hurt her and even regardless she practices safety first with her drug use. She is not any worse than someone who really enjoys a lot of chocolate and she is in control of her drug use unlike such people. "Drug Use, Not Abuse" she explains.
It almost works, the Coven actually respectfully admit that they're probably sticking their noses in a place they don't belong. Polly isn't stupid, she is responsible and more importantly she is already dead so it's not like she can really harm herself anyway. Then Polly lets it slip that the locket she's smoking contains the soul of a dead guy and they take issue with that. Smoking haunted artifacts is fine, but a clear line in their eyes is basically smoking a soul for your own benefit and possibly destroying said soul's afterlife. Polly is fed up playing nice and tells them to fuck off, because it's HER afterlife and she'll spend it how she wants. Making reference that she knows plenty about drugs because drug use was how she died. Joy, the Coven's leader, then makes a mistake. Thinking this is another bit of the ongoing gag of Polly making up how she died, she has a lot of them and this feels no different, but seemingly more insensitive by making drug abuse a joke. She tells Polly that maybe she wouldn't be so flippant about her drug use if SHE had been harmed by someone's use of drugs.
And this is when Polly loses her shit. The insensitivity of the comment sends Polly over the edge declaring the Coven, and by extension us who have mostly been silent during this whole exchange, have no idea what her life was like and what she's been through and declared that if this is how they're going to speak to her about how she lives her afterlife, fine! Fuck everyone! She's going to party... but not fun party.
Polly's in-game sprite art takes on a horrifying visage. Her eyes glow, her smile turns to a painful scowl, her rage seems to basically circle her head like something out of Poltergeist or the Exorcist. And she can only speak in all-caps rage about how she wants to keep partying forever. Her anger affects the school all around her, as the halls apparently fill with ghastly wails and flying objects. You can't even talk to her at the lunch break, she will beam Liam in the head with a chair just for "Um Actuallying" her. Liam kinda deserves it, so it's funny, but the rest of this is not.
The Coven, mostly Joy, realizing their mistake, enlist you to help them fix this. You can do this by either contacting Polly's mom or a creepy yet friendly psychic kid ala the Sixth Sense. Either way, a successful meeting ends the same way, this reaction really is related to how Polly actually died but if you want to know what happened you need to talk to Polly herself.
You find Polly huffing gas in the school basement, completely forgetting her "Drug Use, not Abuse" statement in favor of just outright indulgence. Joy and the Coven apologize best they can and say they want to understand, but Polly is indignant. Revealing that her death was caused by her father. He was the drug abuser in the family and he made life difficult for everyone. He didn't cause Polly's death deliberately, it was a car accident while he was under the influence, killing Polly, her mom, her little sister... but leaving her father alive. She had been using drugs herself at that age, but she tried to be responsible with them. Possibly as an attempt to connect to her dad, it's not outright said, but it's implied. And despite her being careful she still ended up dying anyway.
Polly at that point demands to know what crazy idiotic choice between two options are you going to pick to suddenly make all this shit better. And even the game admits that this isn't really the time to be funny and offers two options that are sincere, supportive and apologetic. If successful, it breaks through Polly's emotional episode and allows her to finally put herself at ease and come to terms with her feelings.
You might be wondering why the player has to do any of this. It wasn't YOU who stepped on Polly's incorporeal toes and shamed her. You didn't awaken any long buried trauma with insensitive speech. Well, no, but you were kinda enabling Polly's worst habits. Not the drug use, but not considering the harm she could cause to others through it, like smoking another person's soul. So, really you're sorta responsible for not checking Polly's worse tendencies, just letting her ride the haunted locket smoke train without trying to dissuade her because it's just Polly being Polly. So being honest and trying to reach her by admitting that you just want to hear her out or even just be there for her right now, no judgment or anything else, that's an important step here.
Polly of course fakes crossing over as a prank to show that she's back to her old self again and promises to be more mindful of her drug use from now on. But it's not all good. After picking Polly to go to Prom, she admits to the player that she still feels hurt and sad. That in her pursuit of living her afterlife to the fullest, she got caught up in the same mistakes her father made and she's not proud of it. Most importantly though, she admits that despite everything she doesn't hate her dad for what he did, she still loves and misses him. That a lot of her drug use was more about just trying to forget rather than confront these feelings, ignoring the pain rather than dealing with it. Being happy is great and all, but not at the expense of acknowledging when you're hurting.
In all honesty, I feel this ending works best with Oz. Because I can more readily see Oz empathizing the most with Polly in this moment. If anyone knows about hurt, it's a creature that embodies fear. And Polly has admitted to hers, feeling hurt. Oz being there for Polly, trying to show that this is okay, that being not okay is ok, makes the most sense for me. Polly doesn't want to hurt anyone because she knows what it's like to hurt the people you love. And Oz I feel knows a lot about hurt being what they are. And maybe through sharing that kind of pain, in confronting things like Polly encouraged Oz to do with his own fears, they can both be stronger people.
This isn't to say these scenes can't work with other characters, they're not built to only work with one of the MCs. But for me, a lot of Polly's stories and events, this one especially, ring the most true when it involves Oz.
I think the relationship between the two can and could be very endearing. Allowing both to actually confront their fears, center themselves and be better people in the end. Monster Prom's tagline is "Be Your Worst Self", a sort of play on words, but a lot of its romances are actually a play on that concept. The phrase is really about being true to who YOU are more than anything, that includes the worst parts of you. If Monster Prom is about anything it's about finding happiness with who you are before you can truly find happiness with another. And I feel something like PollyxOz stands the best chance of achieving that goal.
I don't want to pretend it's the only solution, of course it isn't, none of this as said before is meant to invalidate your love for Oz getting with Damian or Zoe or Miranda or Polly with Vicky or Brian or even Amira. (Although I feel like no one is beating AmiraxVera on that one) This is about what works for me and my rationalization, you are free to think differently of course. I would hope this at least better explained my preferences and perhaps even helped you a little with your own anxieties as it has mine today.
Well I suppose I should try and lead you to some more Polly/Oz content if you're interested. While I do have ideas for fanfics and there's plenty of art you can look up, I'd rather just send you over to Vanilla Chinchilla, who is probably more prolific and better artistically concerning this than I ever could be. Again, this stuff is all just me working through some junk. Plus their artwork, such as the comic panels right above this paragraph, is really cute and fun and I enjoy it a lot.
That's really all from me, if you've honestly stuck it out this long with me rambling about the romance of two monsters from a silly video game... well I applaud you I honestly don't know if this is really all that compelling. This was an exercise for my own sake, but like I said, I hope you got something out of it. At the very least, I've put something positive into this place rather than just ragging on it for crass reasons. Thank you for your time guys.
#monster prom#polly geist#Oz#oz yellow#PollyxOz#oz x polly#shipping#Dating sim#visual novel#mental wellness#gaming#romance#This has been me trying to deal with some thought processes from this week. Apologies on it being so long.
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if you could doooo maybe some Equius or even Eridan agere that’d be great!!, maybe for Equius, Big Sis Nepeta as the caregiver?? and for Eridan, 100% Feferi as his cg!! Perhaps both like younger regressors? (1-2) (I’m projecting) (also i know I’m giving two ideas so choose whatever one you like more!) (ps ps ps your other agere fanfics are soooo cute, I’ve read the most recent Dave one like 4 times now!) thank you for reading this and have a fantastic day :DD
HIIII firstly, you are so sweet omg!! i'm so glad you enjoy my fics so much :,) it makes me so happy!!!
secondly, here you go!! some little equius and big sister nep for you. i hope you like it + have a great day!!! <3 <3
Sometimes Equius feels small.
Despite his usual need to be and feel big and strong, sometimes his mind would become clouded over with a fog that couldn’t be blown away. Whenever he was in this headspace, he’d feel so weak, so vulnerable, so worthless. If he couldn’t protect the others, then who was he?
What made it worse for Equius is that he couldn’t help that he was like this. It would just happen, and then eventually, it would go away. Time was the only thing that could pull the man back to reality.
So, sometimes Equius feels small, small like his body is too big for him. No one else knew of his secret except his moirail. He had confided in her one night during a panic attack. Something had triggered him to fall deep into that headspace, and once he had stopped bawling his eyes out, he messaged the cat-hybrid for help.
Nepeta had been more understanding than he thought she would. She informed Equius about something called “age regression”, the act of mentally regressing back to a young grub. Things had started to make sense to the man after their initial conversation about the topic. He learned that sometimes Nepeta felt smaller too, just like him. Maybe not as small as Equius did, but she would definitely feel little.
Learning about the girl’s regression made Equius feel so much better about his own. Also having a name for the foggy headspace felt better, too. The man found comfort in knowing that other trolls were similar to him, and that he wasn’t alone anymore. Nepeta had suggested the two become each others’ caregivers when one of them regressed. Equius was extremely in favor of this, considering how lonely he felt when his mind felt cloudy.
Sometimes Equius would feel small, and sometimes, Nepeta would too. On rare occasions, the regressors would both be little. Today was one of those days.
Nepeta burst into Equius’s hive, excited to see her moirail and caregiver. She had already started to feel tiny just by walking up to his door, and once she made it inside, the headspace had fully washed over her brain. The cat-hybrid was about six or seven today, just like usual. She felt very giddy to see her best friend, deciding to skip instead of walk to Equius’s closed bedroom door.
Not waiting for an answer to her three knocks to the door, she barged into the other troll’s room. Nepeta didn’t expect to see what she found on the other side of the door; Equius curled up on his bed, dark blue pacifier in his mouth, and horse plushie firmly in his grasp. She could hear an episode of My Little Pony play as she looked at the younger. He moved his gaze from the screen to look at the girl. A grin appeared on his face, behind his pacifier.
“Equius!” she squeals, running over and jumping on his bed. The boy giggles, dropping his horse plush to clap his hands.
“Aren’t you pawsatively adorable!” Nepeta exclaims, giving Equius a tight hug. The younger squeezes back, taking in the girl’s scent. He felt so comforted, so loved, so welcomed by the other troll.
Nepeta pulls back from the hug, and begins to question the little. “Feeling small?”
Equius bobs his head up and down, and the girl grins.
“Wanna have a playdate?” she asks, and the other troll nods even more enthusiastically than before. The kitten squeals again in excitement.
“Yay! What are we gonna do first? Hm?”
Equius takes a minute to think, he really didn’t have any other plans for today other than to watch his show and nap. He couldn’t think of anything for a while, but then it hit him! He grabs Nepeta’s hand and urges her to follow him off the bed. They venture to his desk, where Nepeta finds a number of coloring books and some boxes of crayons.
“Great idea!” Nepeta says, squeezing the younger’s hand.
The girl grabs the coloring books while Equius takes two boxes of crayons, and the two regressors head back to the bed to get comfortable. Nepeta lays on her stomach, sprawling out over the comforter. Equius decides to sit up and color, letting the kitten take up as much room as she pleased.
Nepeta hands the younger one of the coloring books she had grabbed, and he begins to flip through it to find the right picture. Equius chooses a coloring page of Rarity, his favorite pony! He smiles as he selects the perfect crayons to color her in with. Beside him, Nepeta chooses a wildlife scene depicting lions on a savanna. She grins, her sharp teeth poking out from her bottom lip.
For a while, the two sit in silence as they work on their respective pictures. The only noise filling the large bedroom was the T.V. quietly playing. A nice, peaceful night was what both the regressors needed.
As they finish up their coloring pages, Nepeta gets an idea. “Equius! Follow me!” she declares. The younger trails behind the cat-hybrid as they make their way into Equius’s kitchen, specifically to the fridge. The older grabs two magnets and begins to hang up their finished coloring pages. She beams at Equius, she’s so proud of what they’ve made!
“We did great!” she exclaims, rocking on the heels of her feet. Equius claps again, giggling at his older sister. ‘Cute baby’, Nepeta thinks.
“What do you wanna do now?” the kitten asks. Equius isn’t sure, but his thoughts are interrupted by a yawn that escapes his mouth, his pacifier falling out as he does so. Thankfully, it’s caught by his paci clip.
“Ohhh”, Nepeta says, a realization coming to her mind. “It’s naptime for babies!”
The younger one nods and moves to grab his baby bottle. It was plain black, something extremely simple, yet very effective when it comes to making him feel tiny. Nepeta is already there, though, and grabs her own spare sippy cup. They each had their own little gear at each others’ hives, just in case. The kitten grabs some milk, sugar, and vanilla extract to prepare them both some angel milk. She knew this would put Equius right to sleep, if he hadn’t already passed out before she got done.
She turns to look at where the other little had gone; he’s sitting at his kitchen island, eyes shut as his head rested against the cold marble. His eyelids felt so heavy, the familiar fog of sleep and being small making it hard for him to stay awake. Nepeta just grins, turning back to what she was doing.
The older regressor finishes up their drinks, with only having spilled a little milk this time! She was getting better at making certain food and drinks while regressed. The microwave goes off, indicating it was time for the pair to head back to the bedroom for a nap.
Nepeta wakes Equius at the counter, explaining that he had to sleep in an actual bed and not at the kitchen counter. He mumbles something before getting up, stumbling behind the other troll until they reach his room.
They quickly moved all of the coloring supplies off the bed so they could nap comfortably. The two littles crawl underneath the covers, Equius clutching his horse stuffie again. The kitten quickly helps the younger with his bottle, and soon the two are curled up holding each other. Equius can feel Nepeta’s purrs against his head as it rests on her chest.
“Nighty night!” she whisper-yells at him, kissing Equius’s forehead gently. He smiles, finally letting sleep overtake him.
So, yes, sometimes Equius feels small, and with the help of his moirail, he’s starting to learn that it’s okay.
#emmy talks#my work!#asks#homestuck agere#equius zahhak#nepeta leijon#i rlly hope u like this!! it turned out longer than i thought but oh well#:3#also will b working on other asks soon dw !!#fandom agere#also imma b posting this on ao3 too prob just cause !#meowrails
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Answer the questions and tag five fanfiction authors you know!
Thank you @achaotichuman for the tag!! I LOVE THESE GAMES!! Tagging @goldheartedchaoticdisaster @anartisicandautisticstararcher @positivelyruined @praetorqueenreyna @goforth-ladymidnight
How did you get into writing fanfiction?
I only ever started writing fanfiction last October, if we're talking official standalone stories from start to finish. Otherwise, I started writing on Neopets forums under 'roleplaying'. I was curious and it seemed really fun!
How many fandoms have you written in?
Again, official 'fanfiction' that I've written on my own and posted, technically it's only DC Comics and ACOTAR.
If we're looking at my docs & roleplaying history, we would have to add Harry Potter, Pacific Rim, Pokemon, Attack on Titan, Marvel, Jujutsu Kaisen, Witcher, Tokyo Ghoul, Vampire Hunter D, etc.
How many years have you been writing fanfiction?
Eight months, officially.
Writing overall, 20 years.
Do you read or write more fanfiction?
I write more fanfiction than I read. I struggle a lot with imposter syndrome and if I read things in my favourite fandom, I always feel like I can't possibly add to the beautiful stories that already exist. I need to be in a specific headspace to read, especially stories that are similar in content. I do love reading when I'm in a good mindset, though.
Especially when I'm writing, I avoid reading so not to get influenced.
What is one way you've improved as a writer?
Write with better writers than myself, or writers who have vastly different styles. My writing partner has such a solid vocabulary and strong characterization whereas I'm more of a world-builder and lore-weaver. I've learned so much from her and she's pushed me to be better so she can have something equally as beautiful to read.
I also started using beta readers, and that's been super helpful to learn more about my writing through the eyes of another.
Do you have any bad habits as a writer?
Overthinking and letting outside worries influence my writing. My best writing happens when I shut the world out, but I often overthink what my possible audience might say, or react negatively too.
I'm currently blocked with several fics because I've posted them before I was done, and I'm afraid of disappointing my readers with every new update...
What's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?
So much medical research. My god, my characters get hurt way too much.
What's your favourite type of comment to receive on your work?
I love it when readers highlight their favourite parts, lines or characters from my work. I really want to discuss and be excited with readers, but I'm honestly happy with any and all comments!
What's the most fringe trope/topic you write about?
Crackships, crackships, crackships!
Also, probably way too many AUs.
What is the hardest type of story for you to write?
Action scenes for sure, as well as smut. I've wanted to write long pure smut stories, but I just can't do it! I feel like as a writer, I get so caught up in the details that I can't feel my way through the story like I usually do.
What is the easiest type?
Short pieces that focus on emotion.
Where do you do your writing? What platform? When?
Right now, I have most of my work on GDocs, but I am actively writing/transitioning to @ellipsus-writes. I freaking love this platform and I can't wait to see how the features grow and evolve.
What is something you've been too nervous/intimidated to write, but would love to write one day?
More Batman stuff, for sure. I'm also currently too intimidated to finish anything right now.
What made you choose your username?
I usually go with a silly username especially on gaming platforms, but I wanted to go more straightforward this time. My name is Mathi and I write lmao.
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How do I stop feeling so conflicted all the time? I never know how I should act or feel about things because I keep questioning my values and my biases but also the values and biases of others. Everyone's perspectives are subjective so how can I assume to make a value judgement when I can't trust myself not to be biased? And when I don't have all the facts? This makes it especially hard for me when it comes to family relationship issues. I don't know whose perspective to trust. Can I trust my own perspective or am I in the wrong? Is my dad's perspective correct or my sisters? I don't know. Everyone has their reasons for their behaviour and I can't tell who is the cause of the issues. I just know I feel so much resentment and I can't tell if that has clouded my judgement.
Hey there,
To me (and this is just my thoughts) but it sounds like you are overthinking things a lot more than is healthy. Whilst it’s healthy and really good to think things through really thoroughly, it’s also really important to be able to trust your own instincts.
When it comes making decisions or knowing how to behave/ respond in certain situations, it’s unavoidable that you will make everyone happy and content. You cannot control and may never know how one may think about things, but you do have control over what you think and do and sometimes this is what you have to go on. I know that this can be confusing because you so desperately want to do the right thing by everyone and collect everyone’s perspectives on things/ know the causes for their behaviours, but this can at times be impossible and can leave you feeling worse than ever and even more conflicted about things because you can never really be in another person’s headspace. Whereas if you were to do what you think is best in whatever situation you are facing, and allow yourself to have your own opinions regardless of what other people may think – this allows you to grow as a person and will help you to feel more comfortable and OK in future dilemmas/ situations you might be faced with.
So maybe instead of trying to find all the answers and perspectives from others before knowing which way you should turn/ be feeling, try to trust yourself and your own ability to do what you feel is best and right for you. And remember that we all make mistakes in life – we are only human after all – but by making mistakes, this is how we learn and further grow as we tip toe our way through life. Does that make sense?
I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!
I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!
Take care,
Lauren
#mha-lauren#advice#advice blog#mental health advice#anonymous#feeling cconflicted#trusting own instincts
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Chinhands
Believe it or not I actually thought about caregiver Kukui and Guzma already. Headcanoning them as already having a history together before every thing went to shit and Kukui trying to reconnect with Guzma who is, at best, just somewhat receptive to the idea it seems. Genuinly tough it's just awkwardness on both sides because a lot has happened.
Kukui learns about Guzmas regression by accident, because Guzma was stressed and already five minutes away from breaking down and answered to Kukuis "Whats wrong Cuz?" In his usual charming Guzma way, namely hissing at him that he feels like his heads splitting and that he's gonna break some faces unless he gets to leave until he feels like an adult again, and if Kukui makes any fucking joke about this it's HIS teeth that are gonna litter the floor.
Kukui just made the universal gesture of "Aight, aight calm down" and raised both his hands in front of his chest and watched him stomp of to whatever he wants to do, but after a few minutes worry still set in so he makes his way towards Mahalo trail just to make sure he doesn't do anything drastic. He's genuinly relieved when he sees him kneeling a little of to the side in the grass, apperantly building ... Something. Kukui debates with himself for a few seconds before asking "... Whatcha doing over there?" When Guzma answers he can immediately tell he's a bit... Off. He talks quieter for once, almost mumbling "S for the bugs." "Oh?" Kukui notes that Guzma seems to have no interest in making eye contact. "Ye... They like... Like...Barks...n.... holes... For nesting... n shit." Kukui supresses the urge to snort, figured that Guzma would still have a potty mouth even like this, but he's aware laughing at him in such a vulnerable state would be rude at best and extremely humiliating at worst. "... Do you wanna be alone?" A shrug. "... Can I help?."
Guzma turns to him and for a second the dark look he has come to know in the past years is back on his face, but it feels more nervous than usually to him, Guzmas biting on his lower lip and looking him up and down like he's unsure of just how much he can trust Kukui with this. "You don't have to if you don't wa-" "S fine..." Guzma gets up from the ground , giving Kukui a good first look at the makeshift Bugtype hotel he was making. "... We need some more rocks. They like that...." Kukui nods in understanding and soon they both get to work.
The bugshelter turns out bigger than anticipated, so they spend about three hours together, most of it in comfortable silence looking for materials and building. Kukui notes that Guzma seems more and more at ease the more time they spend together, still not looking at him, still not making longer sentences, but he can actually see him smile when their project takes shape more, happy to see just how far they are getting. Near the end Guzmas demeanor changes somewhat again, he seems more oriented, starts to speak louder once again and when they are finally done and sit down in the evening sun, watching the first bugs curiously explore their work he has started to look Kukui in the eyes once again.
They sit in silence and watch a Caterpie worm it's way into a little hole between two logs when Kukui speaks up. "... We should hang more often." Guzma doesn't respond for a second and for just a little moment Kukui wonders if he went to far, if Guzmas not in the right headspace for this right now or if it's still too soon or- "... Like... When I'm like..." Guzma doesn't finish the question and instead just peaks over at him and makes a vague hand gesture that Kukui interprets as "not feeling my age.". "In general." he replies and then adds, truthfully "But... If you would like someone to keep you company...?" "... Yeah, sounds cool." "Yeah, cool." "Cool."
They both decide to stay just a bit longer, until the sun has set so much the first stars are dotting the sky before they make their way back to Iki Town.
OUGUGHGGHGHGHHHH THIS IS SO GOOD HELLO WHAT
I've read this about five times over I love it sm THANK YOU FOR SHARING THIS WITH ME!!!!
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OOf tysm! But i couldn't help but cackle when you mentioned dark academia cuz you are talking to someone who had never read or seen harry potter until their last year in high school TvT . I just chose this name cuz I wanted to be the library keeper for that castle library in beauty and the beast :3 I used to love reading books and during my break time I used to go to the school library to read. After the pandemic I haven't been able to read much due to my school reopening so I try to read fics on tumblr and ao3 to satisfy my brain.
Anyways!! I don't mind walking at all if it means I get to give you a hug.
I am about to graduate soon and last year didn't really treat me kindly cuz once my grades started slipping everything started going to hell and a lot of things happened that easily made it the worst year of my life and my upcoming exams are drowning me in anxiety. I had never failed in my life until now so facing my own failure was one of the hardest things I had to do and my relationship with my parents and my self esteem was at rock bottom. It was a very hard thing to try and bring myself out of my depressive headspace , but I am doing better now mentally and trying to do better academically! Your fics, blurbs, random posts everything made me smile and laugh through some of the hardest days of my life so thank you so much for helping me this way.
I am so so sorry for trauma dumping on you all of a sudden but this is something I have been wanting to say for a long time but I have felt kinda hesitant yk?
Oh and btw! To answer your question I follow IST time cuz I am from India :D
OMG the Beauty and the Beast library was SO COOL!! An exceptional choice on your part. 😌
And it's all good!! I'm so glad to hear you're doing better now, and I'm happy my fics were there for you in some of your toughest times!! Failure is one of the worst things in the world, it strips you of so many integral pieces of your self-identity. I really admire you for picking yourself up and trying to come back from all of that.
For me, horrible as it is, I think failure is one of the most important experiences a person can have. It teaches you so much about who you are, how you think, and what matters most to you--and it becomes a touchpoint for building back a better self.
When I started in the BNHA fandom, I was a Bakugirlie for specifically this reason--I identify super strongly with his arc, where, high off his own success, he comes to UA and experiences a chain of failures and shortcomings each more horrible than the next. But he never spirals--he lets those things become lessons and builds on top of them and grows into arguably the most heroic character we have in the series right now.
So this is all very Bakugou Katsuki of you lol, and I hope you come back just as strong as he does!! Lol. Sending you all of my best vibes!! ✨✨✨
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11th of Sun’s Dusk, Fredas
Luayl had me go through a series of mental exercises yesterday. Apparently my soreness was showing and he was worried that I might injure myself if pushed too hard whilst in such a state. Or so he claimed.
I think it far more likely that his decision is based more on his deciding that I am in a poor headspace and hoping to alter that. I do not wholly disagree. I do not think it a poor decision to give me a refresher on ways to reset my mind. However, I cannot discount the fact that this might all be some ploy to dig into my past hurts and secrets. It makes it hard for me to fully trust what he is doing. What if this is all the House’s plan all along? It does seem awfully convenient that they began to authorize his teaching me. Even if I had far better luck with him than other teachers, it seems awful suspicious that they just happened to think of him time and again for this.
I did enjoy some of the exercises. I struggled with much of the visualizations though. My fault, of course, I kept being distracted by my suspicions. It is hard to try and picture things when you are wondering as to someone’s motives.
Still, I found some use out of things. Even with the distraction, I felt far more relaxed, lighter even, when it was all done. I was surprised, really. I had not expected that I would have much, if any, results, given my inability to complete each of the meditations. Perhaps I have been so tightly wound that even the slightest relief showed great impact.
Sildras noticed it, too, it seemed. For he asked me if something good had happened when I went to pick him up from the docks. And so I took him for a treat at the Nord bakery on our way home. I asked him about his astronomy course and what he was looking forward to in his painting class that day. He told me about the constellations and how he wanted to know if he might have a telescope to be able to practice at home. I agreed and then listened to him say how happy he was that they were moving away from painting the same waxen fruit and would be starting on plants and mushrooms.
When we got home, I had Cheerz look into where best to procure a decent telescope. Not anything large, just a hobbyist’s telescope. Avon was pleased to hear that Sildras was interested enough in Astronomy to desire a telescope. I think we were both surprised, since he has spoken far less of those classes than of his painting and riding.
We asked him about it over supper and he told us that they had just reached a point in his magicka lessons that spoke of the connection between the constellations and the forces that rule Nirn. I admit, I was quickly lost in the explanation, since I had little understanding of the fundamental theories that Sildras was alluding to. But it was interesting to hear him and Avon get into the discussion.
Over breakfast this morning, Cheerz informed me that she had located three different places that would be the best to procure telescopes, though each place was better for a different kind of telescope. I asked her to send along a letter requesting a meeting with the proprietor of each shop. It turned out that one of the places best suited was the Mages Guild, so I asked if we might not arrange a meeting with the head of their astrology or artificing department.
Sildras was excited to know that we would be going to look at each place and discuss with them the capabilities and limitations of their telescopes. Sildras knows best what it is he wants and will need, so I have told him that he should come prepared to ask each place many, many questions. To not allow them to give any short answers and to make sure that they truly know of what they speak.
He is very happy indeed, so if nothing else, at least I can bring my son joy and utilize our privilege to grant him the best opportunities.
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💭🦌🎫
🦌 We answered the non-humans question once already, you can check out our responce here.
🎫 Favorite Movies
Ok so we arent very avid movie watchers, but we do have a couple favorites. We very much enjoy pixar movies as much as we hate Disney. We like horror, but we tend to prefer horror games over movies. We enjoy series' and youtube more than movies.
Short answer: I suppose Encanto was pretty good.
💭 The question was essentially to describe our headspace.
To be completely honest, our headspace has been in chaos as of late. It feels like earthquakes and the volcanos in the mountains have been going off. But I can tell you what its supposed to look like. I'll try to be short with this but I'm not the best with summary.
We have this big empty world devoid of life aside from small animals and fauna. The south ocean ends abruptly, water cascading over the edge into an endless void. On the shoreline sits the tower. It is a large building that spans upwards into the sky. At its base there is a sprawling complex that extends into a wing where our rooms are, a covered bridge leading out to the library tower, and an uncovered bridge that leads to a temple on the water, only a few meters away from the edge of the world.
The main tower is one large atrium with a pool of water in the center and a light that shoots up through the stained glass ceiling into the sky. This is where our fragments dwell in their incomplete state.
Beyond the tower is a dark dangerous forest, beyond that is a hotspring at the base of the mountain range. In the mountains is our second tower that is shaped like a giant crescent moon.
To the east is a giant overgrown city. It feels very apocalyptic and empty and we often visit it in our dreams. South of the city is a small town that feels very liminal.
If you want more info about our headspace we are happy to share it.
😩 Thats so much information. Sorry for the infodump. I really did try to condense it.
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I’ve just been thinking on Kazutora’s ranking of most to least liked members for Toman members was something roughly along the lines of this.
1st Baji - Frankly, we all know this. I don’t need to explain it. Also because if I did it’d be a 10 page essay.
2nd Draken - I would say Mikey and Draken are pretty close, but there is a bit of an edge for Draken both due to the stability of his feelings towards Draken as well as the start of meeting them. Kazutora more or less immediately was positive towards Draken when they both met and admired the looks and tattoos. It’s true that parts of Draken annoy Kazutora in terms of personality - but Draken is also the one who seems to be the next best after Baji at being able to handle Kazutora, and probably understand to some degree. He at least didn’t react poorly to Kazutora’s blunt questions when they were younger and actually gives an answer without negative connotation and chats with him. Plus, later, Kazutora was willing to meet up with Draken to talk and was initially welcoming of it till Draken asked to stop the fight. Draken also came and saw him after everything so that...helped a lot. Draken’s spot is more stable than Mikey’s, which is also why I decided to put it as number 2 versus the chaotic nature of his with Mikey.
3rd Mikey - Again, he is really close to Draken to the point there’s no real difference in their spot. It’s just Kazutora’s like or dislike for Mikey varies at times than the stability that is his bond with Draken. He initially didn’t like Mikey though (and sometimes still clashed over the selfishness) and didn’t get why others did, until the incident with his father. At that point he began to understand and take Mikey’s serious moments (like his pain being Mikey’s pain) for being genuine. From there it was a rather quick upwards climb to the point Kazutora was willing to tease Mikey and really bond with him. But of course everything goes horrible wrong and it becomes extremely negative and then later starts to come back around. But then later on of course....he’s the only one willing to still chase after and reach for Mikey in Bonten regardless of danger. He doesn’t want to abandoned Mikey because he knows what its like personally and he knows Mikey isn’t happy. Out of everyone, he has no right to give up on Mikey no matter what Mikey’s done. That or bond in crimes if its a Kazutora Bonten member arc. Anyways his with Mikey is different because regardless their mental perspectives are very different, sometimes for better and sometimes for worse.
4th Pah - Really there’s not a LOT to go on for this one but we do see him chill with Pah both in the series when younger and also in some younger official art. Kazutora doesn’t have much of an opinion really. But Pah’s not hard to get along with.
5th Mitsuya - Again, there is not a lot to go on for this. I need interactions to figure this out to be honest, at least Kazutora’s headspace. But I do think Kazutora probably has the roughest time with Mitsuya for reasons he can’t quite explain or pinpoint himself. He’s more guarded. I do think Mitsuya’s quick response to being ready to fight if Kazutora wanted after he asked why they’re friends with Mikey did leave a bit of an impression, and they seem to be at odds the very few times we do see them directly interact with each other, like Mitsuya telling him & Baji to knock off talking about fighting the biker gang on the way to the beach or dismissing Kazutora’s comment on the uniforms being “damn cool”. So I think Kazutora really struggles to find any way to interact with Mitsuya and will avoid it. Dislikes being left alone with him when they were younger and Mitsuya is probably the least likely he’d be willing to see after juvie, whereas Baji, Draken, and Pah he would be fine with. But I do think Mitsuya probably could help him the best besides Chifuyu later on in the future. All thanks to Madi.
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Hello again, it's sheep anon! (This is a super long message, whoops) I think you can tell from my messages that I've been struggling with my perfectionism and tying my self worth to my work. I'm infinitely harder on myself than anyone can possibly be, which has caused me a lot of grief. Despite what I write on here, I don't consider myself to be a sad person, it's just been a rough period in my life. I wrote that message when I was in a bad headspace, clearly, and while I haven't gotten over it entirely, it has gotten better. It's hard to have an objective viewpoint of a situation when you're in it, so thank you for giving me some perspective and advice. =)
You are so right that flaws makes us who we are. If I was a perfect person, then I'm pretty sure I would have never known you or sent that first message. I tend to not express my troubles because I invalidate my own emotions, but like you said, if we aren't taking chances on people, then we aren't really living life. I'm not a risk taker by any means, but I believe more in humanity than my doubts of it. Stays and skz have proven to me that over and over again that people can be kind and understanding in spite of the cruelty of the world. There's so much of life I could miss if I just pretended that I was perfect.
Recently, I watched a video that said that progress isn't a picture perfect journey, which I think is true in many ways. I used to think that once people went through the worst part of their lives, that things would just magically get better and would never fall again, mainly because of how media portrays heroes. The darkest hour for heroes are momentarily and are easily gotten rid of after they pull themselves out of it. Of course, reality is a bit disappointing that way, but I'm sure even if I fall again, I have faith in myself that I will pull myself back together again. You can't get rid of sheep anon that easily world! ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ After all, I've already proven to myself by getting myself this far.
Anyways, to answer your question, I can't pick a bias for the life of me because I switch my choice every 5 seconds, but I tend to lend towards the Aussie line mainly because of their willingness to be open. I get incredibly emotional easily, so I tend to bottle my emotions up, so to see someone be so open made me feel like there was someone out there like me. I also relate to I.N a lot since I'm the youngest out of my siblings and I've felt Han's emotions in his lyrics on so many occasions. I think the best thing about skz is that I can see parts of myself in all of them and their relationship with each other. It's super clear that they have a strong bond. (I'm a little jealous actually.) I'm going to end it here so this doesn't continue for another 5k words. I hope you're feeling better, being sick while dealing with that time of the month is the pits. Virtual hugs for everyone!
＼(^o^)／
-🐑
Hi Sheepie!!! I am really glad my long response was good! I was a little worried there for a sec it was jumbled in my fever state lol! I honestly really love the way you add so much personality to your messages here. It makes me smile seeing the way you word things.
I totally understand what you mean with the Aussie line. I really love them, I worry about Chan a lot though. It's always good to push yourself, I just wish he wouldn't do it so often, he could damage himself. But he is a grown adult so he can figure it out. Felix is just so sometimes I cant even describe him and I dont want this to be 80 years long. He is just so him, I love it. I.N is such a sweetheart, I love him and he always makes me laugh. I love his singing so much. I mainly relate to Leeknow, I know on tumblr I act very bubbly and happy but in real life I am really closed off and have my chosen people(which is starting to slim but I wont get into that). I am loud around them and I'd do anything for them. Plus I am a huge animal lover. OH I GET YOU HANS LYRICS KILL ME TOO, i love them!!! I do have to say though out of all of them, Changbin written songs feel like someone just stabbed me with a spork loll. I relate to his the most. IVE ALSO BEEN HAVING A WEIRD SEUNGMIN MOMENT RECENTLY??? He has been making me giggle a bit. Hyunjin has a really special place in my heart too, I love the way he sees the world. And how he views love.
AS YOU CAN SEE IT IS HARD TO PICK A BIAS AND STICK TO IT FOR ME TOO
Thank you sheepie! I have been feeling a lot better recently and got back to writing my Felix story again :) I'd also be lying if I said I haven't already started hitting the weights again oops hehe.
I HOPE YOU HAVE A FANTASTIC DAY MY DEAR! I HOPE THIS MESSAGE ISNT TOO SPRAWLED OUT! I wanted to reply before I hit the hay!
I will be looking forward to your next message! I love hearing what you have to say!
OH PS!
Did you have any shows you were obsessed with growing up? I was a doodlebops kid lol
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never needed // colby brock
A/N: so fun fact about this fic is that i came up with it last year back in november. it was around the time me and my ex best friend stopped being friends. i was really in such a rough headspace, and i think the concept shows it. i just finished writing it today and wow... i still feel this way to some extent, but not fully (thank god). also i literally cried while writing it today so there’s that. hope yall enjoy this one. i'm trying to post a bunch of fics since this coming week is my bday (the 14th). no guarantees, but i'm trying my best to put out at least six things. let me know what you think of this one. see yall later :)
prompt: colby has been ghosting you for a while, just when things were starting to get good between you two. after a week of ignoring you, he’s finally ready to talk. || fem!reader x colby brock
trigger warning: angst, cursing, heartache, crying, honestly this one is really sad so sorry about that, happy ending tho
word count: 2331
~~~~~~~
"Are you fucking kidding me?" I groaned to myself, staring at my phone.
Colby was still ignoring me, something I had grown accustomed to this week. He had ghosted my calls and my texts. He turned his read notifications off too, so I had no clue whether or not he had even seen my messages at all.
Everything had been going great between us. We had met a couple years back and hit it off as friends right away. I always thought he was attractive, and our friendship was always really flirty; so much so that fans thought we were together. And then finally, something clicked a couple months back. I wasn't sure if it was the accidental drunken kiss we shared, or just a built up of feelings, but we finally decided that maybe we should test out an actual relationship.
We promised each other we would take it slow, both of us still heartbroken from our previous relationships and our general trust issues. But these past two months, we went into overdrive, actually taking the time to feel each other out as boyfriend and girlfriend.
And for the first time, I felt happy. Genuinely happy.
A week ago, we had even gone on a cute little date, something we had started doing regularly. We were in the middle of our conversation; I remember I laughed hard at something he said. It was loud enough that some of the patrons in the restaurant stared at us. And when he tried to shush me jokingly, a silence had fallen over us.
His face dropped suddenly, he became super serious and quiet, and then he asked if we could go home.
He told me the next day that he thought he got food poisoning and it just hit him in the restaurant. I didn't think anything of it and was fine with going home early.
But now, I wonder if he was lying.
I looked back down at my phone, reading over my messages from the past week to him.
Was I taking this too far? He could have just been busy. I don't wanna come across as clingy.
"Ugh, fuck that." I muttered out loud to myself, rolling out of my bed to get a drink.
I didn't care if I came across as clingy. I had a right to know why he was ignoring me. If it was work related, he would have told me. He had done that in the past before.
This was different, I just knew it.
Tomorrow, I planned to go over and see him. I would have done it tonight, but I knew he wasn't home. He was out with some friends at Saddle Ranch. Like a fan, I had to watch his stories on Insta, since that was the only way I knew where he was.
"Don't expect too much from him." Sam said.
I shook my head at that memory. When we got together, everyone was happy for us. But I could feel a certain tension in the room, a certain caveat that wasn't being mentioned. Later that night, Sam and I were by ourselves, and he asked me if Colby and I had really made our relationship official. I told him we hadn't gone all the way, but that we were taking it one step at a time.
"I'm happy for you guys, really. I just wonder..." His voice trailed off.
I cocked my head. "Wonder what?"
"Look, I love you both, but I don't know if Colby is really ready for a relationship. There's a lot of things he still needs to work through." He stated.
"We're not that serious." I laughed.
"Yeah, yet. If you plan to be, I just don't want you to get your heart broken because he wasn't ready." Sam admitted.
I patted his shoulder lightly, smiling. "Relax, Samuel. Everything will be fine."
"Alright. Just... don't expect too much from him, okay?" He mentioned, his eyes narrowing on mine.
That had been two months ago and... I think I should have heeded his warning.
A loud knock at my front door brought me out of my thoughts, scaring me. I grabbed a knife from my kitchen, striding over to the door. I glance through the peephole to see who was there.
Colby's face stared back.
"Y/N, it's me. Can you open the door?" He called.
I scowled at him through the peephole. "Sorry she's not home right now. Maybe you should try responding to her texts.”
“Look I'm sorry, but that's why I came over. I wanted to talk in person.” He replied.
“Damn, that’s a shame. Too bad she’s not home!” I exclaimed angrily.
“C’mon now, don’t be childish.” He remarked.
I swung the door open, holding back from yelling into my hallway. “Childish?!”
He smirked at me. “I knew that would get you to open the door.”
“You’re not funny.” I deadpanned, glaring at him.
“Can you please let me in? I seriously want to talk.” Colby responded, his eyes landing on mine.
“No, Colby. It’s one o’clock in the morning, I don’t feel like talking, and you’re drunk.” I jeered, resting my hands on my hips.
He scrunched up his face dramatically. “No, I’m not. I only had like two drinks.”
“Oh my mistake. I figured a person that randomly comes over to talk at the ass-crack of night is usually drunk,” I quipped. “Don’t you have better things to do, like be at Saddle Ranch?”
He stepped back, raising an eyebrow. “How’d you know I was at Saddle Ranch?”
I could feel my cheeks heat up. “Because… I watched your stories.”
“Nice to know you pay attention to me,” he uttered under his breath. “Please let me in.”
“No. Fuck off, Colby.” I hissed.
He rolled his eyes at my comment. “If you don’t let me in, I’m just gonna make noise out here in the hallway until you do.”
“Bet.” I huffed.
“What was your favorite movie again… ‘10 Things I Hate About You’?” He questioned, stepping back further into the hallway.
I blinked. “Yeah, so what?”
He looked up at me, giving me a devilish smile. “…You’re just too good to be true.”
My face dropped at his voice. “Colby.”
“Can’t take my eyes off of you.” He sang, pointing at me.
“Are you really-” I started.
He cut me off, running his hands down his body. “You’d be like heaven to touch.”
I hushed. “Seriously stop-”
“I wanna hold you so much.” He closed his eyes, wrapping his arms around himself.
I grunted, smacking my hand towards him. “Colby, it’s one in the morn-”
“At long last, love has arrived.” He opened his arms wide.
“Shut the fuck up!” I whisper-shouted.
“And I thank God I'm alive.” Colby praised up towards the ceiling.
I retorted. “You’re fucking embarrass-”
He spun in a circle slowly. “You're just too good to be true.”
“I knew giving you the code to my apartment was a bad idea.” I grumbled.
“Can't take my eyes off of you.” He winked, pointing at me again.
Colby took a big inhale, ready to start singing the music, but I grabbed his arm and pulled him into my apartment.
I slammed my door shut, locking it quickly. “Next time you do something like that, I’m gonna kill you.”
“That’s not very- why do you have a knife?” He motioned toward the knife sitting on my side table.
“What-? Oh, I thought you were an intruder.” I explained.
He lightly smiled, his dimples appearing. “You think an intruder would knock?”
I snapped, annoyed. “Aren’t you here to apologize?”
“Right, right,” he cleared his throat, his demeanor changing. “Y/N, I’m deeply sorry.”
“Sure.” I narrowed my eyes, walking towards my kitchen.
He followed me. “I know what I did was fucked up. I should have responded to you.”
“You completely ignored me for over a week.” I informed him, resting my back against the counter.
He nodded. “I know. I shouldn’t have done that.”
I crossed my arms uncomfortably. “…were you busy?”
“No, not really.” He divulged, dropping his head.
“So, you purposefully ignored my calls and text…” I could feel my hands shake against my arms.
“You make it sound bad-” He mumbled.
“It is that bad.” I emphasized, stopping him. “Colby, you wanna talk about being childish? That shit was childish.”
He agreed. “I know it was.”
“Obviously not since you keep joking about it.” I argued.
“I’m not trying to joke,” he protested, running his hands through his hair. “Do you wanna know the honest to God truth?”
“Of course I do.” I answered, furrowing my eyebrows.
He exhaled, glancing at me. “When we first got together, even though we were taking it slow, I was terrified to date you.”
“Terrified?” I puzzled.
He swallowed hard. “Yes. Scared shitless.”
“Why?” I questioned.
“I thought it was because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. But then… at dinner,” his voice lowered, his shoulders dropping. “I realized it was more than that.”
I shook my head, confused. “What are you ta-”
“I’m falling in love with you, Y/N.” He confessed.
His words made me step back, my breath hitching in my throat.
I choked. “What?”
“When you laughed really hard, and did that cute snort thing you do, I remember we looked at each other… and all I saw was you,” his eyes bore into mine, causing goosebumps to rise all over my skin. “No one else in that restaurant existed. And in that moment, I wanted to tell you I love you.”
I stammered out words, unable to think clearly. “S-so… you-”
“When I felt it, I knew I had to go home. Because I was just so shocked at the feeling. I haven’t felt that way for anyone in a long time.” He sighed exhaustingly, “and… I apologize that I ignored you. Every time I saw your messages, I knew I should have responded. But my body, my mind, wouldn’t let me.”
I frowned. “Because you love me?”
“Because… I’m scared to love you.” He admitted.
A heavy silence fell over the apartment. I shuddered out an exhale, not even noticing I had been holding my breath in for so long. Colby closed his eyes, twisting up his face, and turned his back to me.
“Why are you scared to love me?” I gulped, scared of his answer.
His shoulders tensed as he gripped the counter. “The last time you felt heartbroken… did it leave you feeling empty? Because that’s how I felt… for so long. It’s not even the empty feeling that bothered me. It was the fact that I knew something used to be there… and now it’s gone. I miss who I was before.”
I opened my mouth, but no words escaped.
“I have this deep, guttural feeling that you’re gonna realize I’m not worth loving, and that there is someone else out there that is, and you’re gonna leave me.” His voice trembled as he spoke, “everyone… always leaves me.”
I gasped quietly. “Colby-”
He turned back to me, his face becoming red. “I just feel like no one ever needs me, you know? Like some people only keep me around because they don’t have the heart to just tell me they don’t care anymore. Even Sam has someone else.
I consoled. “That’s not-”
“And I know it’s selfish to want everyone around me to only want me. I don’t really feel that way. I just… don’t feel like anyone really needs me as much as I need them,” his chest quaked as his breathing began to speed up. “And when you realize it too… I don’t think I can live through that fall out again. I don’t think I’m gonna survive it.”
“Wait, Col-” I murmured.
“At that dinner, I had this gut-wrenching anxiety come over me; a voice in my head that said ‘she’s gonna leave you too’ and… I’m just so sorry.” He panted, his eyes welling up.
I wrapped my arms around him tightly, pressing his body into mine as hard as I could. He buried his face into my neck, his body almost going limp against mine.
I couldn’t help my own tears spill as they landed on his shirt. “Baby, why didn’t you tell me you were feeling this way before?”
“I was ashamed. I should be stronger than this.” He fumed through his tears.
I rubbed his face lovingly. “Who said that? You are strong. Expressing your emotions is strong.”
He nodded, croaking. “I’m so sorry, Y/N. Can you forgive me?”
“Of course. How about tonight you stay over, and then in the morning, we’ll talk about this more? Okay?” I suggested, resting my hands on his forearms.
“Yeah.” He whimpered.
I smiled brokenly. “Come on, let’s go to bed.”
I lightly grasped Colby’s hand, pulling him slowly into my bedroom. He stumbled along, his head remaining down.
I sat him down on the bed and slid off his jacket, placing it on my dresser. I cupped his face, tracing his jaw with my fingers. His eyes finally landed on mine as I tilted his head up.
I leaned down and kissed his lips, resting my forehead against his.
“I’m not gonna leave you, Colby.” I stated, gazing into his eyes.
He begged in a hushed tone. “Please don’t.”
“I won’t. I promise.” I reassured, kissing his forehead.
I walked over to the other side of my bed and laid down. Colby kicked off his shoes, taking his belt off and pulling his jeans down. After getting undressed, he slid into bed with me, laying his head down softly on my chest. Wrapping his arms around me, he buried his head into my neck again, sighing against my skin. I ran my fingers through his hair, a light hum falling from his lips. I ran my other hand up and down his spine, feeling him shiver under my touch.
“We’ll be okay, Colby.” I whispered.
#colby brock#colby brock fanfic#colby brock fic#colby brock fanfiction#colby brock oneshot#colby brock x reader#colby brock one shot#colby brock angst
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