talldarkandroguesome
Tall, Dark, & Roguesome
Travel journal of Fayrl Indoril. Pansexual Mephala worshiping Vestige
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30th of First Seed, Loredas
How this month has flown by!
Not all of it is bad. Many a good thing has come to me, a relief for sure.
My girls are back with me, which is part of why I have not lifted my journal in so many weeks. I have missed them and desired to fill as much time as possible with them.
I had hoped to bring my journal along for our visit to the Mabrigash, but my things were packed for me and with a last minute super and tea at two other Councilor's abodes the night before we left, I neglected to put it in my possession before we headed out in the carriage. I realized it not far from our destination, but by then it was too late.
With Mother being there and my only just being allowed back amongst the tribe, I did not wish to risk losing my rekindled hospitality.
No sooner were we back, when it was time to receive Tel for our monthly obligations. And with Tel and the girls both, there was even more to occupy my limited time.
I recall now why it was that I had not sought to renew my position on the House Council. What a monumental waste of everyone's time.
Of course there are issues which are important and are brought before the Council, but they are so few and far between and the rest of the time is spent with everyone scheming and trying to slow the progress of every single other member they have bad blood with. Of course, as long as most of them have been on the Council, nearly everyone hates each and every other member, their allies included.
So I mostly stay silent and observe. Zethith says that I should use this time to focus on the relationships between all the Councilmer, to study their dynamics, and to learn the threads that keep this delicate dance in check. They say that if I wish to make any changes, even outside of the Council, within the structure of my House, then I must learn the intricacies best to manipulate.
They are not wrong, of course. It is simply tedious and boring. It is so much easier to bring oneself to action! To drive a dagger into a foe or to slip poison into their favorite vintage. Changing to this slow long-game strategy is certainly not natural for me. Yet if it is an order from my Prince, what choice do I have but to learn?
At least with Luayl I am able to practice something moving. He continues to insist that I let go of what is holding me back, those fears and scars. It is infuriating! What holds me together is that rage and desire not to again let things happen like they have before.
We have made some progress on my dreams. I do not know how to feel about it. The ones that feel like Vaermina has designed them meticulously have begun to decrease in frequency, though they certainly remain. What I find instead, are strange dreams with images of the dead. Not always scary, the dead, so long as they are not reanimated, are not necessarily frightening. And I rarely feel afraid of them when I confront them.
At one point I saw what looked perhaps to be a woman, though even now the image and memory are very vague, but the way her lips curved, right before she was skeletal again, reminded me so very much of my grandmother, Mother's mother. Though I only truly met her as a child, a very young child at that. Yet I got the impression of her from it.
Bizarre. I have no notion as to what it may mean. Luayl says he is looking into what these patterns could mean. I do not expect he could know more than the Farseer might.
She had a long talk with me just before we left, after the festivities of our Lady of Dusk and Dawn had concluded. As the others were packing up, she asked to speak with me in her yurt.
I obliged. And I had not intended to bring my dream for her to interpret, trying not to put any further demands upon her. Yet she asked me about it.
When I explained to her the dream I had and she asked about other similar dreams, she seemed very interested in all these spirits that seemed to appear to me in my sleep.
Despite answering all of her questions, she said she could not yet tell me what the dreams, any of them, meant. She did say that my ancestors had a message for me, they were trying to lead me to something. Yet she could not tell me what.
I asked her how to find this answer and she told me that Lady of Moon and Stars had already given me the clue, I simply had to follow it.
Always so fetching specific these signs.
When Sildras asked what my dream was, I told him I had forgotten as soon as I awoke and that I was still trying to remember. A lie, I know, but I did not wish to spoil his mood, nor to get him too curious. He is growing up so quickly and he needs stability now, before he must go off and become a grown mer.
Avon was also curious, but took my answer to Sildras, knowing how I so often cannot recall dreams, at face value. It is good enough to leave it there.
The Farseer has given me a task. She tells me that I must dedicate more of my time and faith to The Three. She has asked that I spend a month on each of our Princes, though she says that I should hold off on my Prince until the end and that when I do so, I must follow only those rites that I have learned from her people, not even those taught by other tribes. I must focus on these rites alone until I have concluded them all and given her the summation of my experiences. I am even to keep writings on my experiences throughout.
This is a difficult ask. I still have obligations to my Nest. I cannot refrain from supporting them. Yet I feel as though there is something the Farseer has not told me about the importance of sticking to her task to the letter.
B'Cahn, how am I to do all this? How can I find any time?
And yet, I must do it. She would not have asked so great a task of me if not for a good reason. She did not ask Mother to tell me, she asked me directly.
At least the children are enjoying the daily prayers. I decided I should start first with Lord Boethiah and have taught the girls the morning prayers. Kuna is very excited about it, I suspect because of the martial aspects of the accompany the prayer. Cariel keeps trying to ask what this has to do with Almalexia. I fear she cannot let go of the idea of the Triunes and wishing to learn more about them. She has completely bought into her lessons in a way I very much dislike. The only way I have gotten her to join us, is to say it is to learn the ancient ways that our people worshiped before Almsivi took power and that our modern practice is directly based off the ancient rituals.
Tel was very happy to tutor Cariel further in the prayers and rights of Almalexia and it seems the only thing that Kuna take interest in when they talk.
What has this household become?
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12th of First Seed, Tirdas
Zethith has overheard of my recent troubles with the Council. They have suggested that I make an example out of the biggest obstacle. As long as it cannot be traced back to me directly.
I cannot pretend that I do not enjoy the thought of having one less of those fetching Councilors trying to blame me for every small infraction ever inflicted upon their lives and looking for any reason to have me slain. But even more tempting is to see to it that I could be rid of Councilmer Falas.
As such, I have set up my deathweavers to do some surveillance work. I have said it is simply practice, but my hope is that it will mean I can then help them to escalate to actually carrying things out.
This is a far more delicate job than I think they can handle. Truthfully, I want to handle it all myself. Yet I know that I have to be able to hand these jobs off. If only I could get them better training opportunities.
In the meanwhile, at least they will have the opportunity to travel, see new sights, and even bond with one another as their skills grow.
I have told them that they must work out the teams and coordinate information gathering amongst one another, based off the many lectures I have given them. They are not to be seen, I have warned them of the dangers in being caught.
Still, if they can manage this without getting caught, then I think I may just be able to show them how to go about an actual assassination.
It is risky in the city, of course. But I am hoping that, as spring is arriving, and many of the Councilmer head to their homes in the country, an opportunity might present itself.
Especially since Mother has informed me that the evidence against me could not be substantiated. Therefore, they will be accepting me as a non-voting member for the next three months, a compromise to those opposing our family.
They will find out what comes from standing in our way. If they want to make up stories about what I do anyhow, why not put a little fear into those who might try and stop me.
Yes, I think Zethith's idea might just work. I will try not to interfere with anyone that is useful to Mother. Just those that stand in her way. Then she will have no reason to reprimand me.
Besides, I cannot have people continue to meddle in my life in such ways. I have enough keeping me from my freedom. I need some room to breathe. And if I can do enough, perhaps I can prove worthy of conducting my own life, once and for all.
Now, to finalize the plans with Tanur. I have already sent him the information that I have assured him I cannot disclose the finer details of, for fear of letting their identity be known. He is taking it very serious. But we have transportation arranged for my little deathweavers-to-be. I look forward to showing them around the city under the guise of another, a local guide. I have set up my room at the Flaming Nix so there is space for them. And I have paid ahead for meals. I will treat them like the special little spiders they are and make them see the greatness of reward for working hard and elevating themselves up the ladder.
I have also had clothing of fine make sent for so they will blend in more easily where they have need.
I cannot wait to meet them and see how well they do.
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3rd of First Seed, Sundas
Everytime I have sat down to write, something has come up, so I shall endeavor to get out as much as I can as quickly as possible.
I fetching passed my examination. I better have for all that effort and suffering.
But was I able to enjoy it for even a moment?
Of fetching course not!
I had no sooner been given my result that I was summoned to the House Council. Apparently, someone had thought that I must have cheated.
There was a small contingent who, whether by their hatred of myself personally, or their vested interests in keeping someone who might side with Mother off the Council, claimed that my answers were too similar to that of another. What is more, the person for whom my answers were similar did not pass the examination, so they thought it was possible that I may have even given up on copying and managed to swap examination papers during the collection period somehow.
Oh there were allegations that I must have seduced the person into helping me, or that I had used forgery for the names on the papers.
The whole things was a load of guarshite and it should have been obvious to everyone.
There were interviews with those proctoring the examination. There were allegations of bribery.
Of course, in the end, those who had claimed I had bribed or seduced them were eventually found to have given false testimony in order to ingratiate themselves before a particular party, or had been bribed themselves.
So it was more of the usual politics. It turned out there had been Hlaalu involved in one of the claims, which surprises no one.
In the end, I was able to receive my credentials to participate, in good standing, within the Council, should I choose to. Mother, although she has been vexing me that past month, did give me a very handsome gift. I have been allotted additional land outside of Ebonheart. She has long maintained a villa there and so I have been given some additional lands that she has recently acquired there. I may maintain farmland or erect a villa of my own there. Given it's location next to a very active volcano, I think I shall likely keep it as farmland for now, allowing those tending it to build homes to their own design and need.
As such, I have offered Black-Silk-Earth the opportunity to look at the land. I feel as though she and those she had worked with in Davon's Watch are far better judges of what makes for good growing.
I have told her that if they are interested in working that land, I would be willing to allow them to either purchase the lands from me at the standard rate for the area, or to make use of the lands to their need, so long as they are willing to pay the taxes each term, I shall ask for no additional money.
I know that the taxes are not cheap for farming, but I also know that it is just outside of Ebonheart city proper and that they could easily sell the produce there without having to ship any of it. Though, there is a major port in the city, so they could also sell the product as export.
I am not seeking to make a profit off the lands here, I have no need. So if they can maintain the land and pay for it, I am happy to simply hold it in my name while they make use of it.
Of course, that puts them in a fairly precarious position and I am aware of that. Therefore, I have even agreed to a contract with them so that they are not able to be thrown off of the lands. Something that affords them the protection of being able to maintain a home and family there if they desire.
I have told them that we can even make an arrangement whereby they could pay for the lands slowly over time. We would set the price for the year in which the agreement begins, therefore they will not pay more, even if the land were to continue to grow in value. Likewise, should the lands suddenly become less valuable, I am willing to decrease the costs to that amount.
As I have attempted to make clear, I must give the facade of a business deal in order to keep Mother from interfering. But I have no problem with basically donating the property. In fact, if Mother passes away, though I do not wish to hurry that process, I will gift it regardless. I will be inheriting all her lands anyhow, so I will have the chateau next door. I do not need to expand that already grand estate, so why not let it belong to those who have greater need of the lands?
I have also made the decision to sponsor Black-Silk-Earth to join the House. She will have better prospects with the House attached to her title in her affairs going forward. She is taking the next few days to consider, speaking with her fellows about what will be most beneficial to them.
I have offered to pay for a solicitor if she would like to seek legal council in order to make this decision. As someone with a voice within the Council now, I should have an easy time to get her entrance. Additional produce can be shown to be donated to the Tribunal Temple. I can speak about how it improves our House image as one who fully embraces our Pact siblings. Not to mention, it could help our negotiations in Pact matters in Black Marsh, should we ask her to help in such matters going forward.
Yet I must wait for her answer.
Oh yes, the other thing which is taking my time, what little I have. Zethith has asked me to develop a way to start integrating my Nest into affairs of state. It has led me to seek new avenues of opportunities. I really should like to have someone trained by Luayl or another in House Intelligence. How to choose is the hardest part, of course. But before that, I need to be able to know how.
I think that I shall have to be direct and ask the Grandmaster Spy. I have heard that he is getting ready to retire and pass on title to another. It may be a good time to speak with him. If only I could get myself that title, that would solve so many of my problems. I could simply have received recommendations for my deathweavers from someone who should like to be nameless and then approve it.
The best way would be to rotate the training so that at least one or two are always at the Nest, just to be safe.
Of course, this is difficult. Perhaps I should reach out to Naryu and see if there are any retired Tong members that would be willing to have a job serving their former Prince in a new capacity.
That might cause a conflict of interest.
B'Cahn! I hear that Bretons coming up the stairs to milk me. I do feel like a cow. They come with that silver pan, bend me over and drain me of my supposedly poor seed, in order to make way for that which is good. Part of me thinks it is worse now that I have not gotten Tel swollen with child immediately. It has not even been a year! I do hope that the House determines that this is unnecessary soon. A waste of time and money.
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16th of Sun's Dawn, Fredas
Well, I should have known that there would be a cost to my freedom. I have had even less time to myself, something I did not think was possible.
Now my few moments where I would have some time to study on my own, or see to my own affairs even, have been taken over. Mother has brought in a secretary of her choosing to respond to my letters, something I am very much displeased about. And my study times are all guided by someone, also of her choosing.
Morndas is the day, though. So presumably I will be free of this ridiculous contest of will that Mother seems to believe we are embroiled in. A contest only she is a part of.
I cannot wait to take this stupid test and be done with it.
Part of me wants to fail the exam on purpose just to keep Mother from thinking that she can do these things and that it is acceptable. But I also know my mother enough to know that if I failed she would only make the next attempt even worse. And who knows what other punishment she might determine I should suffer atop all of that.
Best to simply do my best to pass this examination and then be back to my life again quickly.
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11th of Sun's Dawn, Sundas
Just when I thought I might have to give up, I was struck with a brilliant thought.
Honestly, I have Black-Silk-Earth to thank. She came by to deliver my most recent letters and I realized, I have an agreement with her about going to Davon's Watch at least once a month as part of her responsibilities to her business and me to my House duties. Surely, I presumed, this time keeper, despite directions from Mother, could not get in the way of my sworn House duties.
Sure enough, when I began preparing for my departure and my warden tutor inquired as to where I was headed, I could tell her that I was doing my monthly duties as the keeper of the family tomb and that I was, as part of my employment arrangement with my secretary, to bring her along.
Of course, my tutor insisted upon accompanying us. I had to inform her that, unfortunately, the scroll, as far as either of us were capable of, would only carry two.
She was very displeased by this, so I told her that she was more than welcome to make a request with the Temple for a voucher to use either with the Temple transportation network, or with the Mages Guild. In the meantime, however, in order to keep up with my own studies, I could wait no longer, and would need to be off at once.
This was, perhaps, a bit cruel. The poor mer was scrambling about to try and get her things together and I simply met Black-Silk-Earth at our usual departure point and headed off at once. I did not even wait to see what stage my tutor may have been at, nor did I do much of anything else.
I checked in with Wanam-Mush and went to the crypt right away, allowing Black-Silk-Earth to take care of her own business. With the ancestors all taken care of, I then slipped off to the Fish Stink to see if Tanur was there. Which he was.
He was very pleased to see me and I was able to find out that he had a usual supplier who had found a Shard of Aetherius. I was, obviously, very excited. I asked what the seller wanted for it. Tanur looked nervous as he told me a price that was, likely, far too much for what it was.
I inquired about the size and found out it was actually rather large, apparently it was described as being the size of a child in height. That was not the best description, but I told Tanur that I would be able to fund that price, but thought it might be a good opportunity for certain members of the Nest to try and get the shard for either, a very low price, an exchange of something other than money, or for free. Tanur seemed unsure, worried that if multiple people were looking at the shard, that the price might actually go up.
I told him that was also fine, but that I wished to see if any of the Nest were able to get it before the set time of the purchase with Tanur. That he should announce this to the Nest two days after he gave the supplier the go ahead on the price. Then let the Spiderlings do what they would.
We had a few drinks, went to his place to reward him for his hard work, and then headed to the Nest where I began lectures. We enjoyed all the usual festivities and I had my meeting with Zethith.
Zethith applauded my continuing to challenge my spiderlings, but did suggest that I push them harder. Especially my potential death weavers. Zethith thinks I need to give more time to training them.
It is true, but I do not know how to get the time for it just yet. If only I had someone already trained who could work with them on my behalf. I would have to trust that they would follow my explicit instructions and teach to my standards. I will have to train someone myself and they will need to be particularly good.
I made it back to the manor just this morning, the tutor having not followed at all for those two days and it meant I finally could relax. Sure, I had to get back to the horrible reality of studying life, but at least I was able to do my part for my Prince and my Nest. And I feel much rejuvenated.
Ah well, the exam approaches and soon enough this will all be done with.
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9th of Sun's Dawn, Fredas
Mother must truly be upset with me.
First, she forced the Council to rearrange all of my usual schedule so that I could make time for even more tutoring for the Councilmer test.
Then she takes Avon and Sildras and signs them up for a spiritual pilgrimage, not optional, that takes them away for a month, knowing that my name day was the day after they would leave.
And then she hires an extra staff just to make sure that I am able to do my best with studying for the exam, who, much like the Bretons who manage my life to ensure I am to create the most potent seed, are there to ensure that I am eating the proper foods at the proper time, consuming the correct beverages in the correct proportions through the day, and getting rest and studying at specific intervals. There is no second of my day that has not been examined and calculated by this mer.
The worst part of it all, and I know Mother is diabolical enough to have done it on purpose, this mer is completely deaf. Therefore, I cannot get out of any of it with my birthgift of voice.
I think any one of these factors would seem scheming or hurtful on its own, but to do so on the month of my nameday?
Even more cruel, she forbade me have any celebration, as it would dampen my ability to focus on the examination. So I was left with no friends or family to celebrate with and no mark that another year had past, other than the knowledge in my own mind.
Luckily for me, I have Farayn, who was able to slip into the cellar and get me some good quality brandy. It was my name day! Do I not deserve a treat?
I have no idea how I am going to be able to slip away to the Nest tonight with all these watching eyes. It is nearly as bad as when Urtisa was plotting my death.
If it was not so wholly unpleasant and would not let my secret slip, I would consider death to slip away. What would Mother have to say then? Ha!
No. I could never hurt her in that way. For all she has done for me, I think, deep down, she does believe she is doing what will be best for me. And for this family.
She is wildly mistaken, of course. But she is doing what she believes to be best.
I just feel sad. And empty.
I know part of it is that longing to be filled, that emptiness where the soul belongs and yet I am devoid of it. Still, I feel so dreadfully and piteously forsaken.
Every year I treat myself to an evening of music, revelry, and an almost Sanguinistic level of debauchery. Not that I am not remaining devout in my Mephalan ways, merely that I indulge them as any of Sanguine's followers partake of their delights.
Truth be told, I have enjoyed the company of a follower of Sanguine one year on my nameday. One of the few people I have ever met with an appetite for carnal pleasure that could match my own. Alas, her indulgence in alcohol, which was far greater than my own, meant that eventually she succumbed to slumber. To be honest, I was rather close to it myself, but given our respective Princes, I could hardly let her beat me in such a contest. She claimed the title of master of the vine and I took that of the sheets. It was a shame that her wife was so angry at us when we were found in the loft the next morning. I had offered to make my amends, but alas, unlike my bedfellow, the wife was only interested in women. And so I took my leave with naught but a memory of that pleasant night, and a very sore head.
Not this year though. I cannot recall a year I have spent my nameday in quiet sobriety. The sad pleasure that the Breton brought me as a way to purge the production of inferior seed hardly compared to even my usual daily offerings to my Prince.
All I can hope, is that I can find a way to get to the Nest. My nameday was pathetic enough.
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1st of Sun's Dawn, Turdas
It has been a busy few days.
So many tutors to try and prepare me for my examination. Hours and hours of lecture and of reading.
There was much that was vaguely familiar to me. It is incredible how quickly one forgets all the knowledge unused. Yet it was able to come back more easily than if I were learning it for the very first time.
Of course, I also had my duties for creating an heir and my obligations to provide for Tel. I admit, I was not as considerate as I have been, given Mother's desires.
Then again, I do not know how much she actually cares for my producing an heir or not. It is less of a priority for her at any rate.
The time I did get with Tel was a welcome relief from the stress of tutoring. Sildras, surprisingly enough, was very interested in the test and its information. So I, with Avon's encouragement, spent time trying to teach some of the content to Sildras.
I swear that boy is like a little sponge when it comes to knowledge. He never seems saturated. Though he did get a bit snippy with Avon at one point and we had to have a conversation about respect.
It is certainly unusual behavior from him. Usually he is so calm and respectful, but he raised his voice when Avon was asking him to get ready for bed after we had completed a family game, and said a few very rude remarks that I will not put down, if only so that I may forget that he spoke them.
We had Plays-With-Fire over for dinner one evening, it has become a habit to have him over when Tel is staying with us, if only so that we have more adult conversations available for Avon. It has been hitting him far harder that Sildras is experiencing that rebellious nature we Indoril always seem to go through around that age.
I do wonder if Sildras has too much of a head about him when it comes to his state of privilege. I would reach out to Mother, but I fear what she might tell me as parenting advice. I know how poorly I took her attempts at that age.
The Bretons in charge of keeping Tel and I to our heir producing duties did manage to redeem themselves their usual annoyance of late. For whenever I am in some grueling lecture about a topic of tedium, if it is one of the auspicious times for Tel and I to consummate our agreement, the Bretons come barging in and ushering me out, regardless of the decry of the tutors or their level of indignation.
And so they save me the boredom of the moment, to instead provide me a far more enjoyable activity. An activity that is no less important for my House duties. It is a relief on all accounts.
It is a shame that Tel could not stay for my name day, but such is a life of duty. I feel a bit like the dutiful spouse in those Imperial tragedies, longing for the return of their beloved and missing their company, all alone on some cliff side or another.
Then again, I am hardly likely to die heartbreak.
Being away from the cliffs does help with that. As does not being in love with Tel.
Gods, could you imagine what a disaster that might be?
The best thing about us, is how compatible we are together in bed. Hardly the only quality, but surely it is the forerunner.
Still, their religious fervor and trust placed within Vivec, a betrayer of his word and principles, angers me.
But enough of that. Tel is leaving shortly and there is not time to speculate upon the matter.
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26th of Morning Star, Fredas
Everything went very smoothly with the Kagesh, which is to be expected.
It turns out that there was a particularly rowdy post hunt celebration that the Temple mistook for warmongering amongst the tribe. When the Temple tried to confront them, they felt like the Temple was trying to instigate something and threats were made on both sides.
As soon as I figured out what the incident was that had set the trouble between them, it was easy enough to take the time to make amends.
Admittedly, it did take me the better part of the week to do, but I managed it, as I knew that I would.
I stayed in Ziddak's yurt, as I knew that I would. He was a little cross with me for being gone for so long. Orilu has grown and is in a somewhat difficult age just before becoming an adult where she is particularly argumentative and opinionated. Ziddak thought I should have come back sooner to check in on them. I explained why I could not have, but he had little patience for excuses, likely because he was so tired. One would have thought I had actually married him.
So I cleaned his yurt and did the cooking and mending his clothing and took Orilu out and spoke with her. She treated me like a mother who had abandoned her.
I understand that my role has always been that of a sort of female partner to him when I stay, that is the agreement that we made. I take up the duties of the wife he does not have and in exchange, he provides me what I need. But I am still a man of my own home and I cannot divide myself even more than I already have done.
Truly, given that Orilu has been of this opinion about me before, I wonder if Ziddak has picked up on that from her and used it as an excuse until he started to believe it.
Regardless, I explained to Orilu that when one is split in life between two worlds, you must learn how to walk in both and between them. If you do not, you end up being stuck in one far longer than the other. That was what happened to me. Circumstances kept me chained to the House far longer than I should like. They sent Mother her instead of me.
She seemed to feel as though she did not know me. I told her that was because so much time goes between seeing her. That although I will fill in for her mother, I am not her mother. I would not be a good one, if I were to take up that charge. I was a mer who was caught between worlds, between planes at times. That I had gone through things that most mortals dare not dream of, in order to keep that which was important to me safe. Yet the cost was that it kept me away from that which I sought to protect and left parts of me behind. It is the price one must pay to walk this path.
Understandable, Orilu said she did not understand what I was saying.
I offered to her the chance to come and visit my home in Mournhold sometime. She could come on her own, or she could bring her father with her. But I would show her just some of the other side of what I dealt with. I would care for her, and her father if he joined us. I would see to it that they did not worry about food or clothing, nor anything else. I would provide for everything.
She was suspicious of this. I assured her that, if the Farseer and Ashkhan approved of this, and her father as well, that I would gladly allow her a glimpse into the way House mer live. To see all the beautiful, easy luxury of a people who do not know how it is to live so connected to the land, but also to see the rotten innards of such a beast. Beautiful on the outside, yet repulsive within. Yet to know that by choosing one, you are giving up the good of the other. You always miss the one you are not within.
I gave Orilu one of my hair pins and told her to keep it in memory of our talk. That my offer should never go away.
She asked if it would still stand if I was ancient and close to death.
I laughed, more because of the impossibility of such a scene than anything, but I told her that yes, I would welcome her if it were next week, or a centuries in the future.
Orilu said she would think about it.
I do not know how else to help this poor girl. I did not realize that she and Ziddak would have taken my departure so hard. It makes me wonder what else has gone on while I have been away.
At least once I had my talk with Orilu, she seemed to calm down enough to get to her studies with the wise women and to go to gather herbs.
That was when Ziddak bid me to consummate the marriage we did not possess. I was hardly one to say no. In the years I have known him, it was always our agreement that part of what I provided to him was physical comfort, so I was not about to change that now.
At first his was rougher than usual, clearly still working through his anger, but it took little time for him to slip back into his usual self, before he changed to being gentle and needy in all the most maddening ways.
Still, it was nice to be needed. To know someone cared about my not being there. Someone wanted what I had to give.
It was not without a bit of guilt that I bid them farewell, summoned back by an urgent missive from Mother.
And what, you might ask, was this matter that asked me to return immediately?
Why, Mother had decided that it was my duty to take my Councilor certification exam.
Few outside of the Houses are aware of the process, but in order to be a sitting member of a House Council, you must take and pass a certification examination. It is something that I had passed before. Back when I was forced into retirement, but before I fled, I had a seat on the House Council.
I hated every moment of it.
For, just because you are a sitting member, does not mean that you are a voting member. No. That is reserved for only a selection of those who are sitting members, those who were voted for and agreed upon by the rest of the House Council and the Grandmaster.
Yet voting privileges remain, in a sense. Those who are non-voting seated House members are able to argue points for those things they wish to see come out of the Council meetings. Further, there is a single vote given to the collective opinion of the non-voting seated House members. It is a way to try and balance out votes in case there is an attempt to bar new members from gaining voting privileges based upon power dynamics.
Still, the last thing that I desire is to have to sit in on Council meetings. As a non-voting member, I do have the option to attend or not, but why waste the time and the considerable examination fee upon such a thing?
Well, in this case, it is because Mother desires it. She also already saw to it that I was registered and my coffers lightened that much in order to secure my spot.
I am very much looking forward to Tel's visit on Morndas. Anything to take my mind off of the stress of this exam.
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19th of Morning Star, Fredas
I have managed to get through another week.
No word yet from the Nest about any shards. I just feel like I am adrift. I have the hardest time concentrating.
My letters west are taking longer than I should like. Snows always slow the post this time of year. I know the dried herbs I sent to Fennorian should be fine, so long as they do not get wet. I sent them, as usual, in oil skins, but it only takes one clumsy courier to spoil the delivery.
Next week the House is having me travel to visit the Velothi camp near Iliath Temple. Long it has been since I was sent to check in with them. I think it is because our House Council is reporting to the Grand Council soon about the war effort and every Councilmer is too busy to see to any secondary responsibilities.
Mother has a good relationship with Farseer Tirinaat. Not that she is not welcome by the Kagesh, they are rather fond of her. There has been a lot of tension between them and the Temple that stands on the edge of their hunting grounds and Mother has been able to negotiate much for them.
I am very much indebted to them for all their aid over the decades. Have I written about this? I feel as though I must have. I introduced Sildras to Ziddak's girl, Orilu. I must have written of them.
Anyhow, there has been some talk of the Temple that the Kagesh are being aggressive again, usually happens when they are threatened or asked to move their camp further away. Almost always it is some minor misunderstanding and easy enough to rectify.
My job is simple, to broker yet another peace between the tribe and Temple. Of course, I am sure that the Kagesh are, as usual, being made to look barbaric and hot headed. It is, unfortunately, all too often the case.
It will be nice to see how big Orilu has grown. She must be getting ready to start on her journey into adulthood soon. The wise women are surely beginning her final years of education before the coming of age ceremony.
I wonder if I should talk with Mother about having Sildras go on one himself. I know I completed one myself and it truly does give you the confidence needed to enter into being an adult.
As soon as the Grand Council has concluded and Mother has settled down from all the activity that follows, I shall speak with her about it.
Now, to make sure that everything is in place for Tel's visit before I leave for Stonefalls. I cannot be seen neglectful of my duties my... what can I say that is not offensive to Tel's person? It is not a mistresshood, for Tel is not being a mistress, nor are they a woman. Yet any other descriptor continues to feel cold and disrespectful. But as a host of this relationship and foray into heir surrogacy, I shall not be neglectful.
I know Sildras has made another painting and had it hung in Tel's room, right besides the one that he and Tel painted together upon Tel's last visit. But I need to ensure that the winter linens are put on this time. The chill that has come down from the currents off the Velothi Mountains brought a light blanket of snow again. I swear it gets colder and colder in Morrowind every winter. I am not complaining, it gives me fond memories of Skyrim. But I also know that Tel is less used to that than I. And while I am more than happy to warm his bed each night, that does not mean that I should not provide for comfort.
And now, to finish my glass of wine as the embers of the fire die down and then go and collect Avon for bed. He has been so much more exhausted of late and I want to show my gratitude.
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16th of Morning Star, Tirdas
Perhaps Holgunn is right. Things have been... difficult.
Finding the energy to do even the things I enjoy has been hard. I was practicing after Luayl's lesson, attempting to cast one of the flame spells. It is one I have been able to get to work fairly well in the past and I never worry because my skill at shaping flames always means that I can keep it from getting out of control.
Only, this time, the spell was far too powerful and it leapt from the target area and struck a side table. I was able to shape it from spreading, but I could not get it to go out. I finally had to grab a cold brazier and dump the ash from that atop the table to put out the flames there.
The table is ruined. It was a piece given by Father's uncle as a wedding gift to Urtisa and I. And while I am not pleased of the marriage, I did rather like that table. I use it constantly. Now I have to find a way to do something about replacing the top.
I felt so off. And I was even a bit shaken.
Even now I find myself drifting from written thoughts to nothing at all.
I have charged the spiderlings to find the Shards of Aetherius. I can only hope they have luck. I need them.
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10th of Morning Star, Middas
The prince and his delegation have left. Holgunn stayed on an extra half a week from the others, but our dear uncle has finally left as well.
The whole time he was here he worried after me. No matter what reassurances I attempted to offer him, he did not let it go. He is so concerned about me because of the fact that he does not see a change from when I supposedly had my soul returned.
He brought it up constantly, much to the discomfort of Avon and I, who were all too aware of it.
Tel came to visit and I had the good fortune of being able to keep them and uncle Holgunn from discussing the topic, though it was very difficult indeed. And it was only the news of our working on producing the next heir that brought uncle Holgunn from that topic into a series of congratulations and questions about names.
Tomorrow is the new moon of Masser and I have decided to make a new challenge for my precious little Spiderlings of finding more shards of Aetherius. I need my strength for sure. Especially since I am working up the courage to speak to Zethith again about the matter of Leythen.
I have not given up on wishing to find a way to make Leythen an ancestor spirit. And the Farseer seemed to think it was not impossible. And as long as I can find a way to recover some part of his body I should be able to conduct the binding ceremony.
When I summoned Leythen at the turning of the year, he seemed amenable to the idea. True, he and I did not have a lot of time for me to explain the process or what it would mean for us, but given that as far Summerset Isle deed laws are concerned, I am already a blood relation to him. This would simply allow me the opportunity to have his guidance and he would get a reprieve from his duties in the Spiral Skein.
I have no notion of what my Prince might ask for in return. It is truly a great favor to ask. It is so very big. Though, our Prince was already able to save his soul from being lost, so it is not as though She does not have the power. It is more a matter of if I am able to provide a great enough offering.
Well, best to have another glass of this wine and to gain my nerve.
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1st of Sun's Dawn, Morndas
The Old Life has passed and the New Life Begins. What an absolutely mad year that was.
Uncle Holgunn was so grateful for the opportunity to meet with uncle Tanval. I even did all the extra work to ask the other ancestors in the tomb to allow uncle Holgunn to pass as they would any other member of the family.
A few of the guardian spirits did not seem pleased, but I asked them to see the joy it brought to uncle Tanval before they made their decision. There were many tears. The attempts at exchanging emotional physical touch were many and it was heartbreaking to see that they could not be. Death is so cruel a thing.
I summoned my cousin Garyn to speak with him while my uncles had their bittersweet reunion. Garyn was, as always, such a genuine and pleasant mer. He asked after everyone. He marveled at how tall Sildras had grown. We spoke of the progress of everything in Morrowind and beyond.
Uncle Urnel arrived with Mother not long after. And we all spent a great deal of time cleaning and leaving gifts and speaking with all our ancestors. It was such a pleasant affair.
Tel was good enough to arrive a day later than usual. The House had not been happy, but they also respected my duties as the keeper of our House tomb. And besides, most of the Councilmer were off visiting their own family tombs.
Aunt Vivyne and my cousins Adosi, Folsi, and Ano, arrived just as everyone was wrapping up the proceedings, making us all stay longer than intended, so they could give their offerings. The gifts they shared were mostly their own talents, if such they can be called.
I blame my aunt, of course. She has so thoroughly convinced all my cousins that they are perfectly skilled, greater than any teacher that tries to correct them, and as a result, my cousins are all the most pompous, self-assured, twats you have ever met. It was insufferable. Yet we remained. Other family, more distant relatives, who had been making offerings at the time of their arrival, hurried and left as soon as possible. The rest of us looked on in envy.
Eventually I gently announced that we had concluded our rites and that dinner was soon to be served, asking people to take whatever time they needed to begin to prepare for the feast, which, naturally, I was hosting as the keeper of the crypt.
Aunt Vivyne and her miserable children scampered off to get ready and I hoped they would be as late to dinner as they had been to the crypt.
I told Holgunn he could stay as long as he chose and to simply let the crypt steward know when he was finished spending time with uncle Tanval so that she might close contact.
He thanked me and then showed great concern for my well being. He said he had hoped to find me in better spirits as a result of my return from Coldharbour and with my soul reunited with my body, but that he sensed a sort of dull flatness to my speech that worried him. He asked after my dreams and what I did for entertainment, to relax after a hard day, when my last holiday was.
Perhaps he is right to some degree. It has been many months since I last partook of any Shard of Aetherius. There are times when, though I had been thinking I was simply tired due to being busy, that I could not even glance at my journal, let alone write upon its pages.
Yet I do not wish to use up the shard too quickly. I have not yet been able to recover any more of them and the last one grows so small. Perhaps I should set my Spiderlings to fetch new ones. Or at least, asked Tanur to keep an eye out in the markets for some.
Of course, I do not wish to rely upon them. I have seen what happens to those who get in the habit of skooma and I do not wish for such a fate upon myself. Not when I have so long a life to lead.
Speaking of the Nest, I need to go there tonight. I performed our Old Life honoring last night and saw, for the first time in so many months, that handsome face of Leythen. Earl of my Father of our Nest. We summoned him and each and every one of my little Scuttlers gave personal thanks to him. They came up with their own thoughtful ways of how he has made their lives better. And I could see within him, a pride. I knew he had not been expecting that of his being summoned, but I thought it would be good for him to understand that, even with his passing, his legacy continues. His only daughter may be in Aetherius, his wife isolated on an magickal island, but there is a part of him that can continue to grow and thrive over the generations. That these are, in some way, his Scuttlers too.
There's the knock that means I must return to my hosting duties. I shall write more later.
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22nd of Evening Star, Fredas
We had a lovely little celebration of the winter solstice. Prince Irnkstar gave small gifts to everyone, as is part of the tradition. The staff were all very pleased by it, for they had not expected any gifts at all.
The prince asked to visit the Tribunal Temple to give to the poor and injured. Avon, Sildras, and I escorted the prince and his retinue. Food, coin, clothing, healing potions, and small toys for children were all given freely.
Prince Irnskar has certainly cemented his reputation in Mournhold for his kind heart and generosity. So many of the most arrogant and xenophobic nobles have been so thoroughly impressed, they have given, what I can only assume sounds a compliment in their minds, by naming him the most civilized and un-Nordic Nord they have ever known.
Had they ever let go of their prejudices and actually visited Solitude, even once, they would find just how "civilized" Nord culture truly is. How can we ever expect to hold together long term as a Pact, bonded brethren, if we cannot even see one another as equals?
I can see how important such cultural exchange truly is. The path to survival of our peoples is reliant on our seeing one another as being similar. To align our values beyond simply a war effort. I shall suggest to the House Council that we repay this kindness and aim to do the same. Let our House be the first to do such proactive and progressive measures.
Hard to say whether or not the Council will be receptive, but I believe they shall honor this request. After all, it improves the House image, while also keeping me further afield. Though, I may have to worry about Tel's visits and how I will agree to retain my duties in that regard. I doubt that a visit to Skyrim would be more than a couple of months. And with the state of teleportation of the Mages Guild, it should be easy enough for Tel to meet me in Eastmarch, or any other major city that I should be sent to visit.
I should rest now, there are more places Prince Irnskar wishes to visit. And I still need to bring Holgunn to Davon's Watch to meet with uncle Tanval. He has requested to stay at the Indoril manor in Davon's Watch for the Old Life Festival and I am not one who would deny such a heartfelt request from such a respected family member. I really should start referring to Holgunn as uncle Holgunn. I think he would be touched by it. Yes, I will make sure that Sildras addresses him in kind. It is the least we can do to help him, after all, the loss of my uncle was hardest on him. I think I shall start inviting him to every family occasion. He was the closest thing my uncle ever came to a second spouse. I think in time, with the right people involved, he could have convinced the House Council of the marriage. Though it may have taken longer than Holgunn's life. Uncle Holgunn.
Cheerz will be given a new set of instructions regarding uncle Holgunn. I will see to it that he is treated like a real member of the family. I do not care if he shares no blood, he has done more good for us than my Aunt Vivyne has ever even dreamed of.
I must get back to the feast now. I think the dancing is going to start shortly and I want to make sure that the musicians play their Nord songs as well as the Dunmeri ones.
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21st of Evening Star, Turdas
All has been going well with the prince's visit. He has been very pleasant indeed. Honestly, he is so polite and thoughtful that it has been a rather enjoyable experience.
Prince Irnskar brought many gifts and the juniper mulled wine he brought gave me such nostalgia to my time living in Skyrim, I could have kissed him.
Not that I would have. It is not about his looks, he is quite handsome, after all. There is simply a certain reputation for our House that must be maintained.
The prince also has quite a head for strategy games. We played some rounds of Tales of Tribute and he was far more of a challenge than I would have expected. The first game he beat me because I was playing a more leisurely game and he managed to build his deck far more quickly than I was prepared to defend against.
Afterwards, he explained that he had a great interest in military strategy games and so Avon and Sildras and I took turns challenging him to various games, including Alinfed, which he had never played before. The prince was a quick study and enjoyed his time playing with Sildras. It seems he also has a soft spot of children.
The most exciting part of the visit, however, is who was part of the entourage. Holgunn came along with the prince!
We have spent so much time speaking of everything. It was like having an uncle return after being off to war. We embraced and he was given a place of family honor and the room usually reserved for honored family.
I have gotten so caught up in the merriment that I have hardly had a chance to write. And I must end here, we have so much to set up for. So much to do. I am in good spirits.
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13th of Evening Star, Middas
My Spiderlings were full of excitement when we met yesterday.
I suppose since we have had celebrations in our last gatherings, there is an air of cheer to our coming together. Many of them asked if we were to have another competition. After the competition before the Summoning Day of our Prince and last month my having them do a somewhat Boethian competition in honor of our Prince's sibling Prince, they seemed to believe such things were to be the new norm.
It was with some hesitation that I told them it was not to be on this month. Instead, we were to prepare for the old life celebration.
We had a time of reflection. I had them come up with a list of gratitudes and to share what we saw as the progress of ourselves and of our Nestmates. Nearly all of them have been with me for over a year now. I wanted them to take the time to consider where it was that they started and look to see how far it was that they have come.
We also began a deep cleaning of the Harborage. I wanted to stress the importance of having a ritual cleaning of our space. We will do the same to the Cathedral of Webs after the New Life, but I wanted their daily space to feel comfortable and clean for them as they will likely be spending more time indoors with the changing weather.
We had a blanket of frost across the ground yesterday morning and the wind blew cold from the west. A sign that surely winter is just around the corner. So we had the spiders of the nest bundle up firewood and the husks of their discarded meals tossed down the hillside, where they rolled towards the sea.
I led everyone in consecrating water filled with sacred herbs and salt. Every surface was given a good scrub or a wipe with it. Then we burned incense and herbs to drive out anything that might linger in the air. The front of the Harborage opened and we commanded out any lingering impurities.
Once the water had dried and the residue of the salt wiped away, all the smoke having cleared, we sealed the door once more and stoked the fires and decorated with herbs to draw luck or that attracted the prey of our spiders.
Goat and Arrow had made decorations of knotted silk, skills honed from their time mending fishing nets. Each spider was given decorations for their webs and it seemed as though they genuinely did care for them.
The whole Nest felt warmer. It had an air of peace and safety to it.
I could tell the others felt it, too. The way they all seemed to relax made me feel as though it had been the correct call. They were proud of the work they did. Of the home they had built. It was theirs, after all.
Something about being able to contribute to the beauty and success of the place seemed to have sparked a greater loyalty within them.
To reward their efforts, I opened the portal to the Cathedral of Webs and had a huge banquet brought through. In truth, I had spent a great deal of effort to have it prepared and secreted to a spot where I could transport it to the Cathedral of Webs. But seeing how joyful they were at the feast, I knew it was the correct decision.
Everyone indulged to a level one might have easily mistaken us for celebrants of Sanguine. At least, if you ignored the webs and spiders all about.
I sung and played music while they all indulged in their own desires. I allowed them to take as long as they desired. The prayers were already done while they prepared for and concluded their cleaning. The rest of the night was for them. It was a reward.
Tanur tried to get my attention, but I assured him that I was going to allow the Spiderlings to finish before I engaged in anything else.
When they were nothing more than a pile of tired, sated bodies across the feast table, I set aside the instrument, thanked all of them for their hard work and dedication, and called Tanur to come with me to my chambers.
Then, as I had with the others, I indulged him in all his desires. I let his carnal passion flow into me, to drink in the richness of his lust. It was filling as the banquet upon the fest table. My body molded to his desires, hungry for more, until, at last, he was exhausted.
How blessed I truly am by our Prince. Zethith has calmed in light of my return to more subdued requests.
In truth, I desire very greatly to speak to them about what I can do to obtain my connection to Leythen. In speaking of our personal journeys, I cannot help but think to the mer who bestowed this very opportunity on to me. How I wish I had his guidance, his presence.
My heart aches for his absence. I wish for nothing so much as to be able to hear his voice. Perhaps, with the Old Life fast approaching, I can once again find myself in conversation with him and can ask for his advice. To be able to find a way to speak with him more often. To bind him to me as our people do with our ancestors.
The Farseer seemed to be sure there was no way to do this, save for with a part of the deceased. Surely there is another way! Leythen has no body to recover. I doubt that if any of it had remained, that Nocturnal would not have done something wholly terrible to it. That raven villain cost me so much. Cost so many people so much. And for no end, save to destroy all of Nirn and the very fabric of reality.
Foolish desire. I am just glad that I was able to put a stop to it. And that I was able to survive the experience. Well, I suppose I did not, I did die of my injuries shortly after. Still, I could be remade in this life afterwards. That is what matters.
This time of year always has me contemplative. A good time to think when one is in a chair by the fire with naught to do but enjoy the sound and feel of the thing.
If only I had more time for it. So much work to do with the House now. At least with Mother gone and my taking all her duties outside of the Council, I have a little bit of breathing room. Alas, I should send this letter to Fennorian. I promised him a new batch of wickwheat, Dwemersbane, and assorted mushrooms. I will surely forget if I do not take care of it now.
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12th of Evening Star, Tirdas
What a delightful day. We have had a Reach Pine imported for the garden and planted in the small garden of exotics I am working to salvage now that we have gotten the soil issues all sorted out after Urtisa's sabotage of the grounds.
I wanted to allow Sildras to experience some of the Skyrim winter traditions and what better way than the decoration of an evergreen. As I hear it, to the peoples of the Reach, each tree has its own special meaning and some sort of myth attached to it. I did not get a full explanation, but the pine is said to symbolize longevity and strength and has some great Reach hero associated with it.
Next time I have cause to visit Markarth, I will have to learn more about it. You would think having lived in the city for near on two years I would have a better understanding of the traditions. I suppose if I had been romantically entwined with a Reachman or Nord I may well have done. Nabine, on the other hand, has never been the sort to care much about such things.
I have some more winter greens being delivered later next week to decorate the manor. Part of the preparations for the Winter Solstice are to teach Sildras more about the traditions of our western brethren. The other reason, is we are to be hosting an important Nord guest and I wish to have everything primed and hospitable to our all important guest.
As the Pact continues to navigate our alliance, the leaders of our forces have decided it would be beneficial to have us model the comradery we are asking of our troops on the front line.
And so, as part of my duties to the House, I am to host Prince Irnskar at my home. Mother is currently making one of her regular trips to each of the Velothi tribes across our territory to continue to facilitate peaceful cohabitation. It will not be difficult for Mother, but she left before the House had word from the Skald King that he was going to be sending his son to Mournhold for one of these shows of good faith.
He will be staying with us for approximately ten days as he meets with the Grand Council for discussion of the war efforts. Of course, as we have such a grip on the city, and using my uncle Tanval's passing as leverage, our House has volunteered for the honor.
Of course, none of these Councilmer actually want to have to host a Nord noble and their retinue within their own homes, so they have elected for me to do so.
Honestly, I do not mind at all. I think it will be fun. I have spent enough time amongst Nords to have a realistic expectation and to understand what stereotypes are merely that and which class of Nord tends to exhibit what sorts of behaviors when it comes to drink.
So by Morndas or Tirdas we should have the greens delivered and we can begin to decorate the manor for the solstice. I have even hired on a pair of Nord chefs to try and provide more authentic options to my guest. And Prince Irnskar is a very reasonable man, so I foresee no issues.
For now, it is off to the Harborage to give lessons to my little Spiderlings. I have some wonderful new exercises and lessons for them.
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11th of Evening Star, Morndas
The days seem to fall away like grains of sand in the wind. The cool nights are growing colder.
Today I awoke with the red light of the sky illuminating my room, yet by the time I rose from my desk for breakfast, not an hour later, the sound of rain drummed upon the windowpanes.
I realize I have not touched my journal in nearly two months time. And so much has happened in the interim.
Tel and I have begun our monthly meetings. The take three days of leave around the date that has been determined that they are the most fertile. The House has put in special requests to the Buoyant Armigers to ensure that Tel must be available during that time, except in cases of defense of the city or Temple in Vivec.
The Bretons continue to make spending our time during those three days together more difficult. Though I suppose I have gotten more used to the rhythm of their expectations of me. It changes hour to hour, day to day, and month to month, but I have gotten to know the sound of their approach and have come to some agreements with them about the way in which they are allowed to interfere with my affairs, regardless of the direction of the Council.
Within that space I continue with my training regiment with Luayl. My body has grown used to the exertion once more and it no longer tires me as it once did. Luayl still works on helping me with my dreams, as he says that it will help me to be able to focus better on life and the challenges ahead.
I will admit, the more we do it, the more I have begun to relax and open up to him. I know I should not. I cannot allow myself to fall back in love with him again. Yet there he is, stroking my hair or caressing my back so gently, kissing me so softly. And a part of me is unable to resist feeling back in that time when we did have a romance.
More and more nights now I am able to recall my dreams. Sometimes they are even peaceful. Or, at the least, not wholly horrible. Some of them persist in their terror and pain, however. The other night I dreamt that I had just taken a carriage to drop Sildras at the gates of Shad Astula. I was just putting my luggage in order when I saw through the window, a suspicious looking mer, pillaging the belongings of other carriages. I checked and the doors to mine were locked and I knocked on the roof and asked the driver to take me back home.
I received no answer from the driver and though I had just locked the cab, when this thief pulled on the handle of the door it opened. And try as I might to yell at him to leave, he seemed to pay me no heed, nor to even acknowledge my presence, as he tore open my luggage and began to pilfer my things.
Yet I knew, with perfect certainty, that if I were to touch him, he would notice me and he would surely end my life. And it would be permanent. A knock on the door to my room jarred me from that dream and it was the fetching Breton man reminding me that this was not an hour for me to release any seed and that I needed to wait for at least another 158 minutes before I would be able to do so.
My whole day was thrown off by that. I think being startled awake in the middle of those feelings and then having someone accuse me of things I was not doing was simply too much.
Luayl says that while it continues to be difficult to let go of blocking my dreams, it will ultimately pay off and allow me to live free from a fear of my own sleep. He seems to think that I need more sleep. I tell him that I feel perfectly content during the day, but he continues to urge me to slumber more. And I listen, sometimes, because I cannot break myself of feeling beholden to his instruction.
For my Nest, my Scuttlers have all officially become Spiderlings. I have called them that before, but they have all passed their first year of dedication, well, Ebony has not, but it was clear she was ready and the others desired her to join them in this, so I gave her an extra task to prove that she had gained the necessary skills to move forward. The next day, as she had completed the task to my satisfaction, a small challenge to test her ability to lie and seduce someone within town, I completed her elevation ceremony.
Tanur has been very impatient to start our next year's recruits. He had been disappointed it was not done at our Prince's Summoning Day, but I explained to him that there was a need for our Scuttlers to see that they were a part of something greater and to focus on their own accomplishments before we welcomed anyone new. Besides, those who decide on the Summoning Day that they want to join the Nest, are usually the type who will not last long term. They may be stirred by the time of year, many mer, knowing that it is the time of our Prince, may find themselves giving in to the temptations within Her sphere and indulging those sorts of behaviors. Yet as we move towards Gauntlet and the Old Life festivities, their desire wanes.
I do not want such followers. Those are the type who may enjoy whatever parties that Tanur throws in our Prince's name, but to someone who is truly meant to walk this path, they will want to be a part of this more than just during the time of year when it is already in the fore of one's mind.
To keep him satisfied, I have asked Tanur to select those candidates that he believes most promising and to arrange for intimate time spent together. He will access them both on how they are in his parties and what they seem to desire or wish to speak about without as many, or any, others around. Then he will have the information written down for my consideration.
He continues to press for a timeline and I have told him I will review his selections and then reach out to them on my own to see if they are truly the sort best for this Nest. By New Life, I will review and make my decisions.
I should like to have had longer, but Tanur is very impatient. I have not told him how many new Scuttlers I may accept. I have not decided that yet as it is. I do not wish for it to be many. One to three I think, based on how suitable they seem, if any of them are worthy at all.
As I told Zethith, I do not wish to expand too quickly, for it is too easy to lose control of what is happened in those cases. I need to make sure that everyone is satisfied, feels as though I am giving them enough attention and authority that they see me as a figure to follow, and that they all get along with one another.
The Spiderlings do seem excited about the idea that new people may join them, that the family would expand. And I do wish to reward that excitement, though I believe that Tanur has been saying too much about it to them. I have spoken with him about it and he has agreed to keep talk of recruitment more to a minimum now.
Zethith has also explained why they were so upset with me at the Summoning Day. Nests are supposed to be self governing, this I knew, but part of that is that the Widows and Weavers are not in so much contact that it would mean having one Nest compromised might potentially compromise another.
We had a long discussion of this and it does feel as though the Weavers are rather territorial. I suppose that makes sense, given what I know of Daedra and how in-fighting to raise in status is so common. I asked about my having control over what is essentially two Nests and they said that it was different because I had formed a new Nest and so it was a single Widow and a single Weaver involved.
That got me curious, so I asked how, maybe a century or two down the line, if I were to appoint a successor and had them take over the Harborage, what would happen. Zethith seemed to see that this mattered greatly to me and reminded me that they were my Weaver, no matter what happened. I asked if, given that I was handing over the title of the Harborage, if it meant that we would have a new Weaver for the new Widow and that they would be expected to remain distant from me and the Cathedral of Webs.
They smiled widely and asked if I was trying to keep some control over the Harboage, even if I were not to be running it.
I said that I knew that, given the long passage of time, I would likely have to at least feign death, or to pass on the Nest to another, even if just for a while. That I did not wish to give up the blessing and inheritance our Prince had offered me, just that there were logistics that must be worked out.
Zethith told me how pleased they were to see me finally thinking outside of the way of a mortal, that I was planning for the long term. They said that it would be entirely possible that we could appoint a new Widow and a Weaver who was selected by Zethith as being loyal to them, and that we could then remain overseeing things. That the Widow must be someone who would recognize my authority and that they would do the same of the Weaver. They would be like our proxies, though we would be making the decisions.
There was a sort of hunger in Zethith's eyes, in their tone, as they began to speak of various opportunities and options. I could see the web being spun, or perhaps more accurately, woven. They drug a claw down my throat, just a dangerous caress, not a threat, not really. They told me that they had known that our Prince had picked me for a good reason and that we were going to do exquisite things together. I felt a hunger grow in me, too. And though their touch, B'Cahn, their very existence, is a dangerous one, I felt drawn to them more. I craved their touch, a connection to them. I placed one hand on their cheek, another on their chest and told them that I hoped we had many opportunities to do exquisite things.
There was a thoughtful look that crossed their face, a little playful, and they wrapped their arms around me, pulling me close against them. I felt the webbed, scar-like texture of their skin as they kissed me. Their mouth tasted of nightshade and another bitter taste, like a poison I could not quite name. Yet I did not back way, but met their mouth with my own, hungry for what they might give to me.
I do not know what I might have expected of making such an offering to Mephala with one of His own Daedra who was assigned to me specifically. The poison of their saliva was clearly coursing through my body, for I felt like I was falling through the air, thought darkness, then at turns, as though I was being slowly wrapped in a cocoon of silk. I had visions throughout and know that I was given to pleasure multiple times. I watched Zethith drain pleasure after pleasure from my body. They seemed to enjoy themselves, though it was hard to tell by that point with all the strange visions and hallucinations.
I do not know how to commit to writing the things that I saw and felt. I do not know that I want to. It was a profoundly spiritual experience, do not mistake me, but one that I do not think was meant to be anywhere but in my mind at that moment. And while I do not expect that anyone, save for myself, shall ever read the contents of this tome, unless I have grown so beyond my Prince's favor that She has cast me into nothingness, I think this is a secret that is better kept even from myself. For the words that came to me, the face, the sensations, most of those are difficult to describe in words to begin with.
Should they fade from my memory, the impact they have had on me will not. And I must allow them to leave me if that is their desire.
Now, I must go and meet Sildras at the docks. He is almost finished his lessons before the winter break and I do not wish to make him wait out in the cold rain.
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