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#but that’s my existential crisis for another day
flhoarder · 1 year
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Jean “whatever you do please just don’t throw me away I’ll pick up your pieces I promise I’ll make things work between us” Vicquemare
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lacunes · 10 months
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bitchin'
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da-proti-toku-grem · 1 month
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my mom found this super detailed online test that helps you find careers that you'd probably like according to your answers (ofc we know that it's just a test and it doesn't mean you have to study what they give you, but i just can't find anything that i like and i'm running out of time, so we were like, why not yk) so, i took the test and after 30 minutes of answering questions you know what i got? biotechnology. the same career that i chose last year and the one i dropped out of in january.
idk if i want to laugh or cry tbh
#i mean it gives you more than one option but this was the one with more compatibility#and the other ones are also a big no for me so...#god idk what to do with my life#and atp i can't help but start thinking (again): did i drop out bc i didn't like the career or bc my mental health is SO bad#i think it's a combination of the the two bc yeah i probably would've enjoyed the few months i did at least a bit more if i wasn't depresse#but i REALLY didn't like it#tho then again i don't know what changed bc it WAS what i wanted and then i got there and i went NOPE almost immediately#and like i know your opinions can change and that is good that i dropped out if i realized that's not my thing#but i can't help but wonder if it is really not my thing or is my brain just not letting me enjoy the things i like?#bc every option i've been looking at to start next year is like... No#i can't find anything i think i might enjoy at least a little bit#i found this university that i gives you the possibility of doing the classes and exams online and everything#and that would be to study 'translation and interpretation' with english & french (& spanish ofc)#and since i'm already bilingual in english & i've a certificate in french (not bilingual but is smth) i would be able to skip some subjects#which is good i guess and i like languages but it's also like the opposite of what i've been doing my whole life bc i studied science in hs#and then again idk if i'll like it or not#and i know i won't know if i like it or not until i try it out and everyone is like 'well if it's not your thing then you drop out again'#which i mean is true i Can but god i don't want to go through all this again i need at least a bit of certainity or i'm gonna go insane#also i've been searching for so long w/o findinf anything that my parents are already saying#'well if you don't want to study you'll have to look for a job'#and if the thought of studying a carreer is already scary#if i have to look for a job rn (there are not many options here if you don't have a degree)......#the thought itself makes me sick :/#i just don't know what to do and i'm so fucking tired i just want to curl up in bed and not do anything for at least 2 months#(am i having another existential crisis after that panic attack 3 days ago or did the existential crisis not stop since january?)#(probably sooner)#(i guess we'll never know........)#venting#maca speaks
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thewizzardwithin · 2 days
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making ocs is fun until you’ve created one who is a simulacrum of your past self, a caricature of who you used to be, someone who never grew up and will never know any better.
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adaine-party-wizard · 9 months
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i don’t think i’ll get used to people from highschool dying anytime soon. just found out somebody else died (wasn’t friends with him but i think my bf was or at least i know they were in the same friend group) and it’s always a… holy shit… you know? in my mind we’re all still 18 and yeah dying at 25/26 is still so young but in my mind we’re still just kids
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withered-owll · 11 months
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Happy Birthday to me! TvT
Yes it’s my birthday today which means I’m one year closer to my inevitable end :D Yaaaaay!!
Haha… I don’t want to be old TwT
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katya-goncharov · 1 year
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maybe i SHOULD just try to get a different job that would be better suited to me
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blurglesmurfklaine · 6 months
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legitimately feel like I’m on the edge of another breakdown
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deus-ex-mona · 2 years
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a body has been discovered!
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ihearthes · 2 years
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.
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justmefeelingtherain · 8 months
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Oh, the pit od despair. How I missed you.
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natugood · 10 months
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How do people know what they want in life? I wake up every day with barely any idea for what I’m gonna do with myself that day, most of the time I’m too busy living in the moment to conceive of future moments impacted by big decisions
#I’ve been having an existential crisis of late cause if I stay with my partner of 8 years it means I’m likely moving to Europe#which is. a lot#makes me question everything I’m doing and my life choices but also like#when ppl ask me if that’s what I actually want to do - or even just ask me what I want - I’m like. idk.#I never know what I want until I suddenly want it and then I do it#and if it’s a big thing I try to do it until I lose momentum and get bored#like yes I’ve made big life decisions as an adult - moving out of my parents house to another state and starting grad school#hell even undergrad was kinda my own big choice#but like. I moved to Oly cause I missed my freinds and I wanted something new. I wanted to live with my partner and was sick of anchorage#I started grad school cause I knew my undergrad degree wasn’t working out and I didn’t know what else to do#I applied to grad school on a whim - I was gonna wait a year and then 1 month from the deadline was like fuck it I’ll do it now#I got my current job cause I applied to every single job with WA state that I qualified for in a frenzy between 2 and 6 am one day#like every decision I’ve made it’s cause I wanted change and I knew I needed change.#but I didn’t have a strong preference for what kind of change I wanted - I just knew what I didn’t want#then I just kept trying random shit over and over until it worked and I got what I wanted: change#but like. I don’t feel living my life by following other people and doing stuff that is passively interesting to me is really the way to go#i want to make my choices either with purpose or truly just letting life take it’s course. not this half assed kinda in control kinda not#googoogajoob
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imthatqueerkid · 1 year
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scribbledghost · 9 months
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i read some stories that like humans just making pack bonds with anything in space and I had an idea.
Just the Yautja coming back home after something and sees reader with a queen xenomorph or just some kind of xenomorph and they are all like "named her beth, don't worry she don't bite" and Yautja is wondering what in the snow white shenanigans is this. Plus I like the mental image of reader being carried around by the xenomorph like how some animals carry Cubs by the back scruff of the neck (but is readers shirt instead) but you don't have to write it if your no comfortable with this just a stupid idea I thought of but have a good day an drink and eat something good today
Note: Okay so I mentioned how Humans Pack Bond With Anything is my favorite trope so thank u so much for this. I hope you have a good day too and be sure to hydrate!!
Not gonna lie, it takes a lot to unnerve a Yautja.
Seeing a Queen Xenomorph carrying you around by the scruff of your shirt like a kitten is a real damn quick way to do it though.
He just. Freezes. There's a Queen, plus around 5 regular Xenos. In his house. Curled around his mate.
Trying to figure out how to wrench you away and carry you onto the ship and onto another planet somewhere without risking a knockout, to-the-death brawl with you in the middle.
Then you call to him. Tell him it's okay, that they won't hurt you??
You, pointing to the Queen: "Her name's Beth. It's cool, she don't bite."
Your Yautja having Hunt Flashbacks: "YES SHE DO"
All the young Xenos probably hiss and spit at him, the poor guy.
Like those little Spicy Feral Kittens.
But somehow you just. Calm them??? You're wandering around with a pack of Kiande Amedha like it's Just Another Tuesday wtf??
He's at least 70% sure he got hit in the noggin coming off the ship and he's just hallucinating.
Seriously he is completely torn on what to do.
Part of me feels like if the clan leader found out he's not only housing a litter of Xenos, but co-habitating with them, he'd be exiled.
Yautja hunt Xenos. Xenos kill Yautja. This seems like a universal constant.
Or at least, it was.
Now the poor guy's in the grip of an existential crisis.
Someone help him.
He wants so badly to kill these critters. It's in his blood, after all. It's pretty much what he was raised to do.
And yeah, one or two of the smaller (and angrier) ones probably go missing over the next month or so.
Listen, he knows you'll hate him, but he really is trying to keep you safe.
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xiaq · 3 months
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I got another raise today. Praise for my contributions to my team, validation for my hard work, and a clear overview of what my continued progression in my company could look like. I celebrated by taking the afternoon off to nap and read in bed with my husband. I painted some swatches in the space that will soon be my library in the basement of our new home. I talked to my publisher about the process of turning my 3 published books into audio books. And now I'm in the living room, writing and watching my dog attempt to entice pedestrians on the sidewalk to pet him over the front yard fence.
Next month it'll be two years since I left academia.
It was the hardest and the best thing I ever did.
Three years ago, I was having an existential crisis about my career. I was working 60+ hours a week for embarrassingly little pay as lecturer. I loved my job, but I knew that continuing to work in academia wasn't a sustainable option for me. The thought of buying a house some day was laughable. I'd sworn off relationships. I looked at my writing and I thought there was no chance I'd ever publish anything. I was nearly thirty and I felt like I'd wasted the last decade of my life and I was fighting hard against the sunk cost fallacy that whispered I should just stay. Continue as I was. Let no one know I was drowning in the life I'd always said I wanted.
See, people like to say "it gets better" when people are feeling lost or hopeless. But what they don't tell you is that in order for things to get better you often have to do big scary shit that sometimes feels like walking backward. Sometimes you have to tear things down to the studs before you can rebuild. Sometimes the path to "better" looks a lot like "worse" at first.
I was lucky that my family and friends supported my "worse" phase while I was trying to figure out what the hell I wanted to do with my life, interviewing for tech companies and taking fire fighting exams and querying agents/publishers and basically just saying "fuck it, I'll give it a try" to every available opportunity, including dating the guy who is now the love of my life. But "it gets better" requires hard work and bravery and putting yourself out there and bitter disappointment and rallying and leaning on that support system, and trying again.
So, I'm not sure where I'm going with this other than to say, for anyone else who was where I was 3 years back, anyone who feels stuck or hopeless or like they've wasted years of their life on a career or relationship that doesn't love them back: it gets better, but you have to fucking fight for it. So rally your troops. Get your support system in place. Give sunk cost fallacy the finger. And go figure out what will serve you better.
I'm so happy, now. My life is amazing. But it might have been amazing even faster if I'd dropped out of grad school after my first year when I realized that maybe it wasn't what I wanted after all. I wish I'd been brave then. Be brave now.
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cassiopeiasdaughter · 9 months
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mirrorball
Theodore Nott x fem!reader
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warnings: language, mentions of stress and an existential crisis? not proofread
summary: you are stressed and tired from being the one that takes care of everyone, and a concerned Slytherin boy wants to help
this was requested by @lalalenka and Paula 💛 for my celebration Theodore masterlist
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When did life get so heavy? When did play dates turn into study sessions? When did begging your mom to check for monsters under your bed, turn into you crying into your pillow over your worries and fears? When did reality start feeling so real?
You think about that often, especially at nights, when your friends are asleep and you can remove the mask you wear, the face of happiness and optimism. You don’t have to play the part of the person who has everything under control when you are alone, you can be yourself, lost and afraid.
You are currently sitting in the Great Hall, waiting for your friends to come down for breakfast, start yet another busy day together. You woke up earlier today, exam season is coming up and sleep is something you struggle with, during those times. You know, your friends always wake up too late, that’s why you’ve grabbed their favorite pastries from the breakfast table, so you can hand them later on your way to class. It’s peaceful like this, sipping your coffee alone, planning your day as you eat; quietly going over everything you need to do-
“Are you alright?”, you hear a voice interrupting you from your thoughts
It’s Theodore Nott, you realize as you raise your head. Theodore, Theo is not a friend of yours. He is a boy from your year, a Slytherin, that you occasionally talk to during class. 
You see him at the library almost everynight, you two are always the last ones to leave. Your study dates, as you like to call them, began during 5th year; when you were hunched over a tome of Arithmancy begging yourself to understand, what the passage in front of you was saying, but failing miserably. That’s when you felt his hand on your shoulder, asking, if you accidentally cast a spell on yourself.
“I can’t understand anything.”, you remember whining and he spent the night tutoring you. You offered him help in DADA, in return and you ended up studying together for your OWLs. You like to think that you passed with good grades thanks to him, but he doesn’t agree.
Theo, is someone you feel calm and safe enough around to not fake your feelings or thoughts, most of the times, at least. Again, he isn’t your friend, but he isn’t a stranger or a mere acquaintance either. What he is exactly, that you can’t answer.
“I’m fine, why?”, you reply looking at him confused
“You’ve run out of bread for your butter.”, he says taking a seat across from you.
You stare down and see that you’ve been spreading butter on a slice of bread for so long that you’ve made a hole in the middle, with crumbs all over your plate.
Before, you can say or do anything he places a large piece of toast in front of you, with butter and blueberry jam, just how you like it.
“See you later.”, he calls out as he leaves, not giving you the time to thank him.
You spend breakfast with a smile on your face, your day suddenly feeling warmer and brighter.
“Goodmorning!”, you hear your best friend singing, while she wraps her arms around you and takes a seat.
“Morning to you too.”, you say laughing and hand her her favorite chocolate cake the one that always runs out first.
“What would I do without you?”, she says cheeks stuffed and crumbs falling everywhere- a sight that makes you laugh and always reminds you how much you love her.
“Probably still wandering around the forbidden forest.”, you say laughing, and cutting a corner from her cake
“That was ages ago, please let it go.”
“Never, now come on, we’ll be late.”, you giggle at her protests and drag her to class.
Theo isn’t brave or daring, if he were, his friends wouldn’t be giving him such a hard time about his crush and his approach, the lack of action mainly.
“You keep going like that, you won’t be in the friend zone, you’ll be in the study buddy zone, which is far force.”, Blaise warned him. But what was he to do about that? You had different friend groups and your schedules didn’t match. Was he supposed to just ask you to Hogsmeade out of the blue? 
“Yeah so this is the proper movement for the spell, now what are you doing Saturday?”, no way would he ever say that.
“Yeah, you’ll be associated with Ancient Runes Theo, no one finds that hot.”, Pansy commented- to which he responded with an eye roll.
“Maybe, I don’t want to do something about it.”, he said to his friends 
“Keep pining then.”, Draco replied 
“Maybe I will.”, and with that he stood up and left, wanting to take a walk and clear his thoughts, ignore his friends and their unfortunately correct but not practical opinions. It was fine, he would get over it and he would be fine. 
He would not be fine, he told himself as soon as he saw you, second time for today; laughing with your friends- pestering them to drink water- running around with bottles in your hands. 
His eyes light up by the way you giggle as you talk to them, maybe you are telling a story- he can’t understand, but your gestures and facial features- the way you look; alive and loud and beautiful, they send shocks down his spine. 
He knows it’s cheesy and stupid, but to him you are the sun. You are warm to others, always making your friends laugh- you take care of them, sometimes to the point of neglecting yourself. But, you are loving and kind and you light up any place you step into. It’s a shame, really, because he is nothing like the sun- he is dark and reserved, but still, your light doesn’t blind him, it could never.
“Hi Theo.”, you wave as he passes by, in a much better mood than you were this morning and he waves back with a smile, taking longer strides to leave your eyesight and maybe hide in a broomcloset?
It was getting really late and you were still in the library studying. You had so much homework and revising to do, and at some point you needed to tutor third years and prepare for dueling battles. Everything was too much, and you had no one to help you. You didn’t know how to ask your friends for help, you’d spent the past six years being the responsible one- the mom friend, you had everything under control and cared for others. The roles couldn’t be reversed now. But, it made you feel so alone, the alienation adding another weight on your chest.
“Hey.”, you hear Theo’s voice, in a soft whisper and raise your head to look at him, his books are closed and stacked in front of him, signaling he is getting ready to leave.
You spent all afternoon studying together, and it had started fine- you felt productive for the first hour, but after a while, words had stopped making sense.
“It’s really late, do you want to leave the rest for tomorrow?”
“I have one chapter left, you don’t have to wait for me, g-goodnight.”, you dismiss him with a smile
But he doesn’t leave and you look at him with eyebrows raised high. 
“One chapter.”, he whispers innocently lightly holding his hands in front of him, before he opens up a book, pretending to study.
You scoff at that and lower your head once more, to the passage in front of you. Letters are dancing in the page taunting you- catch us, they say, try to make sense of this. You are tired and Theo looking at you, concerned, isn’t helping your brain focus. You wait five, maybe seven minutes before you let out a quiet groan and say, “Fine, lets go.”, meeting Theo and the stupid satisfied look on his face.
The way back to your dorm is quiet, you are both tired from schoolwork and the lack of sleep is another crack on the mask you wear near others. You bite down at your lip nervously, as you think all of the work you didn’t get done, and all the extra homework you’ll have to finish tomorrow. You think of your friends and the parties they are begging you to go to and the Hogsmeade outings you’ve missed due to being exhausted. You think of their grades and how easy it is for them to succeed, while you spend hours in the library and still fail. You think about the future and how you don’t know what you want it to look like, and you think about life and how small you seem compared to the world.
You don’t feel the tears that slide down your cheeks, or the water in your eyes- blocking your sight. You understand you’re crying, only when a sob escapes your mouth, one that has been begging to come out for the longest time. After that, it is inevitable for you to break down, not caring about Theo and what he’ll think of you, or about the prefects who’ll come running thinking there’s been an accident in the hallways. But he calls your name, and that ruins you even more.
“‘M sorry.”, you whine- crying and turn your body away from him, lowering yourself on the ground wishing you could disappear.
“What is it? Is it that stupid Potions chapter? I’ll help you with that, don’t cry over that.”, he says panicking, kneeling behind you.
“No, no, it’s not- it’s everything. It’s all too much.”
“What is?”, he asks calmly, placing a hand on your shoulder hesitantly- you don’t tense at his touch, your body relaxes and you turn around- your face wet and red staring at him.
“Everything; school, life, everything.”, you whimper, “I have so much to do, but I can’t- I can’t. And everyone expects me to have everything under control, but I don’t, and I can’t do it anymore.”, you exclaim placing your head in the palm of your hand.
“No one expects you to have everything under control, it’s- it’s impossible to do.”
“Yes, they do! If I am not there for everyone, if I let them see how lost I feel, they-”
“They'll what? Leave you?”, he asks shaking his head at what you’re saying
“No, yes, maybe, I don’t know. They won’t be able to handle it- I am sure.”
“Even if that were true.”, he says slowly, releasing your head from your hands, urging you to look at him, “If you can’t let your friends see, then you can show me. You can talk to me, don’t keep all that inside. There are enough self-sacrificing idiots in the Gryffindor Tower, we don’t need one more.”, he jokes and you let out a small laugh
“Why would you want to be bothered with my issues?”
“I- you, you don’t have to always be the person who cares for everyone, you can-should be the one cared for.”
“Why?”, you ask again, the air shifting between you into something different. Something that moves the pain from your chest and turns it into butterflies in your stomach.
“Ah- well-“, he let’s out a breath, “- because I- I like spending time with you, and I want to be there for you, besides, I can handle anything you shoot at me.”, he finishes; his face red and sweaty.
You have stopped crying now, your vision is still blurry and your breath uneven- but something inside you has changed. As if, a bright light has found it’s way inside, providing hope and something new- something you haven’t felt before, but desperately want to keep. 
“Thank you.”, you say softly and let him help you up, you two resuming your walk but with a different destination this time.
“Come.”, he says and offers his hand- which you gladly take, letting him guide you wherever.
You walk outside, and let the cool air hit you- ground you. It’s late at night, you are at Hogwarts, near the lake, you are at your 7th year and next to you, stands Theodore Nott, your study partner Theo. The Slytherin boy- that looks handsome but has no clue, the brilliant Theo, who always helps you out and is willing to listen. Theo, who is still holding your hand while pointing at stars and constellations with his other. Theo, who smells like pine and fireplace, as you lean against him and listen to his voice. Theo, who you can count on and thanks to whom you know it will be okay. Everything will be okay.
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A/N: life will be okay with or without Theo Nott, you all deserve to be happy and loved, just needed to remind y'all :)
Theo taglist: @avalynlestrange @spacecadet16 @lucy-is-never-logical @aleviia @marina468 @annaisabookworm @liarajoah @notasadgirlipromise @pariseffer @unlikelysadgirl @ktz-bb @lizisthecoolest
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