#but no we did not get that bc I guess they just had to end with a romance however shoddily developed
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20 Questions for Fic Writers
tagged by @dangerpronebuddie @diazsdimples thank you <33
How many works do you have on ao3?
right now it's 90! (57 of these are 911 lol)
What's your total ao3 word count?
535,450
What fandoms do you write for?
currently just 911, but I have some destiel and sambucky fics and who knows, I might get back to them at some point haha
Top 5 fics by kudos:
For a holiday (and forevermore)
I can't love you any more (than I do now)
I'd marry you with paper rings
the next best thing
There’s no way that it’s not going there (with the way that we’re looking at each other)
(they're all buddie and I just noticed that the top 4 are all over 1k kudos?? when did that happen lmao)
Do you respond to comments?
I do! sometimes it takes me a while bc i get lowkey overwhelmed lol but I always do!
What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
there's not a lot bc I prefer happy or hopeful endings, but I guess by post 6x10 fics? Fine and don't know what I'd do if your tomorrow never came idk lol
What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
most of my fics have happy endings, but I guess I'd say For a holiday (and forevermore)
Do you get hate on fics?
not really? got like one or two not very nice comments but generally no haha
Do you write smut?
yes I do 😁 not often and it always takes me forever but I do have two smut fics in the works (one buddie, one bucktommy lol)
Craziest crossover?
don't have any
Have you ever had a fic stolen?
no, as far as I know
Have you ever had a fic translated?
nope
Have you co-written a fic before?
no
All time favorite ship?
buddie
(ngl, bucktommy is a veeeeery close second rn🙈)
What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?
there's two that have been fighting me for so long they're lowkey abandoned now and tbh I don't know if I still want to finish them? one is a 5+1 nicknames, and the other just a silly idea about eddie flirting with buck since they met but buck being veeeery oblivious lol
What are your writing strengths?
I think (usually) I'm pretty good at staying true to the characters and not making them too ooc (and I know when it's ooc, okay, I have one wip rn where I just don't give a fuck, I'm writing it anyway lol), and I can get into their heads pretty well. Also I think I'm good at the cute fluffy stuff lol idk
What are your writing weaknesses?
there's probably a lot lol - rn the one that comes to mind is descriptions probably, which is why writing fanfic where we have established characters and settings is so much easier than og stuff haha
Thoughts on dialogue in another language?
I don't mind it but I don't do it a lot aside from a pet name here and there bc I just don't wanna get anything wrong lol
First fandom you wrote in?
for tv shows supernatural, but before that I did write rpf which i just wanna forget about lol
Favorite fic you've written?
rn it's three:
we don't know where this is going now (don't be afraid of heights, let me open your heart wide) - my tommy pov fic <3
I'm comin' back, don't let me go - buck driving/breakdown fic
baby, you drive me wild - car smut - might not be my best but it's my fave smut lol
tags: @elvensorceress @eddiebabygirldiaz @watchyourbuck @loserdiaz @evanbegins
@wildlife4life @lover-of-mine @monsterrae1 @weewootruck @loveyouanyway
@spagheddiediaz @rainbow-nerdss @epicbuddieficrecs @pirrusstuff @spotsandsocks
@rogerzsteven @hippolotamus @sunshinediaz @honestlydarkprincess @exhuastedpigeon
@jesuisici33 @steadfastsaturnsrings @buddieswhvre @theotherbuckley @daffi-990
@hoodie-buck @tizniz @bidisasterevankinard
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Why I feel like Ka/taang is one-sided, despite textual evidence
ATLA does try to convince us that Katara has romantic feelings for Aang. For example: she seems thoughtful when she realizes that Aang is a powerful bender; she’s offended that he didn’t want to kiss her in the Cave of Two Lovers; she gets jealous when Sokka says On Ji and Aang look good together.
So…what’s wrong with anti-Kataangers? Do we just lack media comprehension?
To be clear, on their own, these gestures can indicate romantic interest. But at the same time, we have stuff like “Aang is a sweet little guy, like Momo.” We have her ambivalent facial expression after he kisses her before the eclipse, and her hedging during Ember Island Players, and her anger when he kisses her anyway. In the context of these conflicting cues, Katara’s possibly romantic reactions can absolutely be interpreted in a different way, because:
Acknowledging a friend as a potential romantic interest is not the same as actually being romantically interested in them. (Imo this is something young women struggle with, due to a combination of romance-centrism and heteronormativity that make women feel like they should be in romantic relationships, and that boys and girls who share intimate and deep feelings for one another must be romantically into each other)
Wanting someone to find you desirable is not the same as desiring that person. (Which is something a lot of women, especially young women, struggle with. Remember all the discourse around Cat Person back in 2017?)
Being jealous when someone flirts with your friend is not the same as wanting to be with your friend. (Especially when you see your friends as family, or if you’re accustomed to a specific type of devotion from that friend. It is jealousy, and it is possessiveness, but it doesn’t always arise from romantic feelings)
Growing up in a patriarchal society means that your desires are always filtered through what men want from you, sometimes in an abstract male gaze-y way, and sometimes in a very visceral and interpersonal way when a boy wants you specifically. And Katara’s reactions are just that — reactions. Reactions to what other people — including Aunt Wu, Sokka, Aang himself — have insinuated about her and Aang. She’s not really proactive in her interest in Aang: we don’t really see Aang, romantically, from Katara’s POV. Under the framework of “Katara is reacting to a romantic prospect she’s kind of uncertain about,” it is completely plausible — and indeed likely — that she would sometimes act in ways that indicate romantic interest, in addition to moments where she indicates the opposite.
Ka/taang shippers often bring up other evidence, like Katara’s despair when Azula hits Aang with lightning, or how protective she is of him when Zuko joins the Gaang. The thing is, these pieces of evidence aren’t necessarily indicative of romantic love. The fact that Katara genuinely loves Aang makes the whole thing more complicated, not less, because — especially at that age, especially when Aang is twelve years old and grew up in a sex-segregated society of monks — it is really difficult to tell the difference between platonic love and romantic love. Their mutual devotion is layered and complex yet straightforward in its sincerity. What was not straightforward, until the last five minutes of the show, is whether this devotion on Katara’s end is romantic. The romantic arc for Katara and Aang is not really an arc, as Sneezy discusses in this classic ZK video. Katara actually becomes more conflicted over time and we never see an event that clarifies her feelings. She seems more interested in him in The Headband than on the Day of the Black Sun, and she has never been more hostile to his romantic overtures than in the penultimate episode.
And in light of this, it’s pretty easy for fans to fill in the blanks with a different interpretation: maybe Katara’s weird expression after their kiss at the invasion means she didn’t enjoy it; maybe the kiss made her realize that she doesn’t actually feel that way about Aang; maybe against her will and her better judgement, she’s developing feelings for another person, a person who hurt her and whom she fervently tried to hate until he pulled off what is in my opinion the greatest grovel of all time in the form of a life-changing field trip. Maybe. Am I saying that Zutara has more romantic interactions than Ka/taang? Of course not. But ironically, the lack of romantic interactions means that it’s not inherently one-sided, the way Ka/taang became in the latter half of season 3.
I’m not arguing that Katara’s unequivocally not into Aang. Obviously the text declares that she is, because they get married and have kids. But I am saying that there’s a very good reason that so many people, especially women, see Katara’s interest in Aang as ambiguous. It’s not because we can’t pick up “subtle” hints of growing affection. It’s because we know not all affection is romantic, and it’s really easy for someone else’s insistent romantic intentions to muddle what you want.
P.S. I first started thinking about these topics (platonic vs romantic love, desiring someone vs wanting to be desired, etc) in the context of compulsory heterosexuality, a term describing how queer women contort themselves into relationships with men even if they’re not really into men. I saw a post a few days ago joking about why so many queer women seem to be into Zutara. I wonder if part of the reason is because as queer women, we are very sensitive to the ways in which we can talk ourselves into wanting things we don’t actually want, and Katara’s romantic interest in Aang can be easily seen that way.
#Anti Kataang#Zutara#anti Bryke#Katara deserved better#From Bryke who offered her so little romantic agency#I actually think Aang and Katara’s mutual devotion is really compelling because the wires get crossed when you have such intense love#And navigating romantic vs platonic feelings can be very complicated and interesting#but no we did not get that bc I guess they just had to end with a romance however shoddily developed#my meta
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thingies
#witch hat tag#orufrey#nother small post (it's not small..) meek post. mild post#sensei QRTed the last one with a sweet message and made my week <3#drawn bc she randomly announced that originally qif & eas were going to be more openly hostile with each other#but she decided after feedback that qifrey would. Restrain himself now he has children in his life.#like pikachu with togepi in pikachu's vacation. She didn't say that part#just love that since i always say i see them as having this kind of autistic warfare expressed in ways other than actual fighting#since their youths. but i guess we don't know how much they had to interact as kids#i just know they're both opposite ends of Autistic Kids: one do-gooder kid who gets REALLY irked when others dont follow The Rules#and the non-verbal autistic kid who IS one push away from actually biting people#Sometimes autistic people shouldnt be friends.#anyway why did she randomly state this now of all times. Are they interacting in the next chapter. But why.#the next chapter scares me. a teaser piece of art she posted is like.....What is actually going to happen here.#What is going to happen .#anyway hope all fans of my silly drawings are doing well out there
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new di x warrior cats
name explanations and more info below :3
basic stuff
-each agency is a clan, not each unit. 14-15 clans would be silly and then we would have some clans with 5 cats and some with 2.
-starpro -> lightclan. i couldn’t call them “starclan” for obvious reasons. light is somewhat synonymous with star, so i’m going with that.
-cospro -> nightclan. i don’t think the cats in warriors know the word “cosmic”, but cosmic implies cosmos implies night sky, so we’re going with night
-rhyth lin -> rippleclan. ripple is sort of a synonym to rhythm….? this one was hard
-new di -> fortuneclan. this one is a stretch but neither “new” or “dimension” have synonyms that really fit a clan name. fortune is something that relates to multiple characters in new di though
-starclan still sort of exists, but the cats do not believe in them the way they do in warriors. they are more of a nursery tale than anything, and select cats (ex: tatsumi) believe in them, but it is not written into their code. medicine cats can still interpret signs, but they do not necessarily think of them as coming from starclan.
-medicine cat forbidden romance is not a thing here
-intermingling of clans is ok and common
-there’s like. other cats in their clans besides just the enstars cast i assume
cat names/why i chose them
fortuneclan:
knights
-tsukasa -> scarletstar (scarletblossom) . he is the leader of fortuneclan because he is one of the new di reps for the summits. both scarlet and blossom were chosen bc of his last name (scarlet is a red color… kinda similar to cherry…. and blossom for the cherry blossom).
-leo -> lionheart. ok this one is kind of cheating because lionheart is already an existing warrior, but…come on….
-izumi -> silverspring. sora describes his color as silver, and spring is in his first name
-ritsu -> frostmoon. his first name means cold moon according to the wiki so i just rehashed it
-naru -> goldenroar. since she doesn’t like her first name i didn’t want to use “storm”, and her last name can be read as “thunder” but that’s a little too close to storm? so golden for her hair and roar for her last name
switch
-natsume -> sageeye. a sage is similar to a wizard, and eye is in his first name . also the “dovesong” mentioned is wataru :)
-tsumugi -> bluewing. he is a bluebird. warrior cats probably wouldn’t straight up call a cat “bluebird” so i put wing there instead. deputy cause he’s the vp
-sora -> skyspring . sora means sky. spring is in his last name. i could have used “stream” instead to differentiate him from sena but i think spring is cuter
mam/df
-madara -> tawnystripe . tawny bc it’s like kind of close to calico if you squint. stripe(s) is in his last name
#my art#enstars#ok so maybe we WOULD have 5 clans bc guess what was announced today#a new agency. and a new unit (or fucking 5? idk)#BUTWHATEVER#um i don’t know why i did this it was a joke at first but#then i started getting really into choosing names….#like originally it was just gonna be switch but then i was like hmmm… what if the agency is the clan#i’ve been reading so so much warrior cats i’m about to finish avos and then i’ll be caught back up to where i was#when i started this rereading journey last year#so like i have to apply it to my other interests#i’m proud of the names i chose i think they’re fun#yes leo’s is a cheat but idc#i hope someone else will appreciate this it’s mostly just me doing stuff for fun#i want to do the other units/agencies too but that might be a while cause yall this took#like a week . granted i’m busy rn but god damn picking designs for cats is hard!!#that’s why so many ended up being tabbies i just can’t resist they’re my favorites i’m definitely not biased#but also realistically tabby is a pretty common pattern so it’s fine#my fave design is naru’s btw i wanted to make her really pretty and i think i did ok#ok i’m going to bed bye#also forgot to mention i wanted to keep the names as close to canon warriors as i could so i had to find words similar to things that#the cats in warriors would know#sage is pushing it i don’t think they use sage in medicine . they def don’t know what a fortune is either but i don’t care
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It's insane how most of the time I don't get how ppl interact and I also Don't Fucking Care
#vent ig#i wish i could#but unfortunately i havent had the occasion of sharing one of my interest with you in the past three months and when i did it didnt go as i#wanted and now we're supposed to talk through smalltalks except i dont know how to do those so im awkward as hell and unconsciously cut the#short and now im being hated (?) even tho that wasnt my intent#but i guess no matter how trustful i am i just look like a liar#and i cant even bring myself to care bc how am i supposed to explain myself when youre convinced what i say is a lie#we werent even supposed to be this close so sorry if im stiff. i tried to get along but i just cant#the never ending circle between 'i want to have ppl to interact with being alone to experience this world is exhausting and dreadful' and#'im not even remotely interested by any of you'#its different on tumblr bc i can curate my own experience & nobody comes @ me when i dont interact with them for days or weeks (BC IVE GOT#NOTHING TO SAY) and its okay and its normal and we dont have to do the 'hi how are you wyd' script every single time (sure we can check up#on each other once in a while but it doesnt become a script. it feels genuine.)#anyway. im so normal. i can def care about ppl that have never been as insane as me about something we both love(d at some point)#am pretty sure i developed 'i perceived you saying/thinking One(1) bad thing about me and now i dont care at all about your existence' as#a child as a coping mechanism but goddammit i feel like an asshole everytime it happened#i hate feeling apathetic#and i hate lying too so i cant just say shit to reassure them when i dont mean them#cant tell them im sorry about how my behavior is perceived when im so damn tired and would rather they disappear of my life
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#manectric#i woke up at like noon today y'all i'm queuing this after work. i forgot about it all day and i was about to hop on totk#but i got the reminder to do it. so here i am. with manectric#el woowoo‚ if you will#a lot happened. yesterday. it was not a very good day. which is why i woke up so late. it was a little bit rough. but i guess it's a new day#so. it'll get better. planning on Not Doing Shit today or tomorrow to compensate for all the Bullshit that happened yesterday#hoping you all are doing well. one week from today (friday june sixteenth) i'll be hopping on a flight for the first time in 10 years#looks like according to the queue this will actually go up the day before we leave. so‚ to you guys‚ i'll be heading out tomorrow#which is scary a little bit. last time i flew i had no idea i was autistic‚ but now that i've come up with a lot of better accommodations#for myself and i understand myself a lot better and my needs‚ i'm realizing a lot of my accommodations just aren't gonna make it through TSA#plus it's a lot of unfamilarity with unfamiliar people and an unfamiliar environment which i feel like is gonna lend itself to sensory#overload like Immediately and i'm probably gonna get a headache bc that's how it manifests for me#so when we get there i'm probably gonna have to run to the nearest pharmacy. and grab some shit. which is annoying! so. i'm a little#worried. about the trip. NONE OF HTIS IS ABOUT MANECTRIC SORRY#this is a pokémon i have a hard time caring about outside of its involvement as the leader of the electrike in amp plains#that's about it#any tips from frequent flyers who are autistic would be greatly appreciated. not even just about flying but about like. going to unfamiliar#places on the other end of the country and stuff. i feel like that's what i'm most worried about even though i'm worried abt all of it#also hi i'm writing these tags from day-of. like the actual day this is going to post. me from a week ago sure did know what she was talking#about! anyway. i'm. gonna like. take my meds now goodBye see you all when this Posts in a few hours
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wait no sorry one last quick immature bitch moment
the more I find out about how this person has behaved in both this relationship and a bunch of other relationships, the funnier it is how much they like to set themselves up as a like. authority on ethical nonmonogamy and consent and conflict management.
when like. they constantly sexually assault people to prove a point, pressure their partners into shit, got into enm by cheating on 3 people concurrently, and literally every time a problem in their orbit is brought up it gets explained away without anything actually changing, or they cry about how hard it is until everyone says OH NO IT'S FINE DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT
you know. very "call yourself a Community Organizer even though you're not on speaking terms with your roommates" energies.
#red said#I'm mad tbh i know in being bitchy but this blog is my safe space to be bitch on#and this shit has been building up for years. not even just in my relationship with their partner. since the first time i meet them#in like 2018#and having this chat with my pal last night now I'm no longer second guessing myself bc of my relationship has uhhh Crystalised Some Things#especially getting some new context on where a lot of the tensions and sensitivities I've been aware of for ages are from#also tbh when we broke up my ex led off with 'i know you think this is about [partner] but it's not' and i was like. it is though.#it's not the only thing but it's been a common thread through every piece of tension in that relationship#not saying if the partner wasn't there we'd have been together forever. i don't think that's true and I'm glad things went the way they did.#cause w were good for each other and breaking up was also good for us#but their partner has really caused me so so so so so much turmoil for years and i haven't felt able to acknowledge that cause it makes me#feel like an asshole. but like. OK SO I'M AN ASSHOLE. I'M FUCKING MAD AT THEM.#they are manipulative and controlling and they treat their partner like shit and they have perpetually made my life worse#i like a lot of things about them and i do feel for them. we share a lot of similar issues and i do understand how they feel a lot.#but fuck me they treat everyone around them so badly and a good chunk of the reason i ended things with their partner#is that i was so fucking sick of being told i was wrong and just didn't understand how hard they had it whenever i brought up#one of the many many many shitty things they did to me or to our partner or to our friends.#multiple times i left a situation in a fully fucked up mess and my partner came to apologise for how their partner has behaved#and within minutes it would turn into them explaining to me how it wasn't really their fault and i shouldn't be so hard on them#and like fuck that. had enough of that in my life with my previous ex.#anyway. yeah. i am probably being more didactic and aggro here than i genuinely feel. but there's some room for that anger i think#and i did get some room for it to breathe last night and that's good and helpful.
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played superstars through the credits with two of my brothers and just. holy shit this game was absolutely not designed for multiplayer. despite the gratuitous marketing focusing on the multiplayer aspect it was CONSISTENTLY lagging to an insane degree and it only got worse when we went from 2 players to 3. i had a great time despite it and i think the game had a lot of potential but by the time we got to the egg fortress fight, well:
kept popping between zoomed out (multiplayer view) and zoomed in (single player view), killing whichever of the characters the camera wasn’t locked on every time it happened
jarringly swapping which character the camera was centered on, snapping into their view and causing more deaths
the ground disappearing and occasionally causing people to clip into it and die every few seconds
the uh. the spinning. happened about half the time the robot swapped between phases
ALL of these problems happened about twice as often when all three players were active, so in order to beat it two of us had to intentionally die for the fight to even be playable
i have ten more videos just like this. we spent nearly an hour here. it happened so often i gave up documenting it. it wasn’t the first major issue (the entire game crashed after beating a level, twice. at one point when we left the shop we were accidentally teleported to the overworld area for egg fortress with no floor loaded and accidentally walked off, then fell eternally) but it’s the one that really broke our spirits. how do you ship this game that you marketed as multiplayer when it’s nigh unbeatable when you actually play multiplayer
#text✨#sonic superstars#sonic superstars spoilers#sorry i HAD to make a post bc all the stuff talking about the game’s issues isn’t addressing the multiplayer issues#(bc half them are just people who love to hate on sonic and aren’t actually the main audience of : kids . particularly kids with siblings in#this case)#i’m not mad or particularly opinionated about the game i’m just sad. dealing with frame rate drops is annoying but fine when you’re having#fun and joking around. when the issues are actually making the level unbeatable it’s just depressing#and we couldn’t even drop the other players out so it would run better#bc it’s at the end of the entire act 2 of egg fortress#in which you play act 1 backwards#anyway we DID beat it im just sad now. i guess we’ll wait a few weeks until a patch is released bc i’ve hard super sonic is laggy even in#single player. and i’ve seen how bad afterimage effects slowed the frame rate in a normal level w/ 3 players#i do NOT want to see how bad it gets when you’re all super
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#personal#i guess for those following this uh... Situation NDNDNDMMDMX#today was the last day LOL. he was gonna sit beside me during the exam#... but the teacher moved him NDNJDMDMDMDMDMDMDMMD#then.... he finished before me.... i was like oh fuck. but i was like oh what if hes waiting for me....#but i was also like GET IT TOGETHER GURL. UR AT AN EXAM#so i GOT IT TOGETHER (mostly)#and when i finished he was gone 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#HOWEVER.... me n one of my other friends had to work on a group project so we stayed back then went out n ate#she knows i like him. n at some point i was like man... if only he had waited. he could have come with us#n she was like...... !!!!!! he did wait !!!!!!!!!#and i was like WHAAAAAAAAAAAA#so it turns OUT..... that this other guy i was friends with (no longer bc 1. he was using me for my hw and 2. he was mean to the guy i like#DEMANDED to know why the guy i had a crush on didnt answer in the big group chat about dinner n he was like..... uh i have an exam the#day after ??? (and ok insider info here.... he told me he never wanted to see any of them ever again LMAO. so i wasnt surprised at all.#thought it was so fucjin funny bc man he really kept to his word by not answering JDJDJDJJDJDJDl)#but ya he left after that !!!!!!!! so !!!!!! wa !!!!!!!! im just 🥺🥺🥺 !!!!! like he WAS waiting for me but GOD that asshole im just......#>:[[[[[[[[#bc u know !!!! thats not the first time he's (for lack of a better word) cockblocked us !!!!!!!!#but it somewho ends up bringing us closer in a way. idk NDJXJXJJZJZJZJZJZ#im just.... ya i messaged him n we talked for a bit.... he still has an exam left so im gonna leave him alone til hes done#really hope he lets me know how it goes AH#but ya............ idk man idk. im gonna have to grow some huge balls n ask him to meet up. bc if i dont....... lol my only other chance is#graduation in february.............#n e way NDNNDNDNDNDNNDND
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okay stressful event done, hopefully i can be calm and normal again starting tomorrow 🙏
everyone put your lucky clovers and horseshoes together for me to hope that I did not get covid because I was the ONLY PERSON IN THE ENTIRE VICINITY WEARING A MASK. OUT OF 200 ISH PEOPLE. FUCK !
#but i wore it and i ignored all the stares and strange looks ppl gave me#i do not want to be further disabled jesus christ please i am hoping against hope I'll be okay#i did not have a choice in the matter of going or not but holy shit it was not worth going even 😭😭 it was so bad fjfkdl#I can't say much abt it bc I'll end up doxxing myself but it was so bad. and i wish i had not gone dbfkdl#also my mother was so mean and saying some random guy was disgusting and meanwhile i was like ummm awooga 👀#she is so fucking awful and i hate it. he had a bit of a belly sticking out from his shirt bc he was stretching and he had body hair#and um. well. we all know how Normal i am about that sort of guy.... Not Normal At All LMAO#it just makes me feel more affirmed in choosing to not ever share my art w my mother lmfao#she would hate what i draw. and I'm trying not to let that get to me but .... oh well i guess !#even though i learned at like age 11 that i shouldn't even try to share my creations w her i still yearn for approval or whatever#UMMM LOL WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT RN OOPS SORRY. I'll go skitter off into the night now DBFJDKL#HOPEFULLY I'LL BE NORMAL TOMORROW BLEASE... also i need to go see what Chase was posting earlier augh#dandy.cmd#vent //
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you know i mostly really like my grad program and everything but i have very quickly learned not to ask too much about vision and hearing loss bc it turns out most of the faculty here know very little about those things. they know a little bit about hearing loss but really only in the sense of "get them fitted with hearing aids/CI as early as possible so they can develop like a hearing child". i really wanna learn more about language development in deaf, blind, and deafblind children because that's the population i specifically wanna work with (and have worked with in the past). and it's just been frustrating having my questions about those populations be met with "uh. i'm really not sure."
most of the faculty have been nice about it, but i have had the misfortune of being assigned an advisor who is borderline hostile about it. the first time i brought up this subject, (back through email when i was still deciding where to go), i was asking about an ASL elective that was offered within the program and whether there were any other electives with related topics. she responded by telling me that this was a masters program in speech language pathology, not ASL. great! you could've just said "no." the second time it came up was a few weeks ago when i talked to her about maybe doing a masters thesis (i won't be doing one, by the way). i said that if i were to do one, it would be about deafness, blindness, and/or deafblindness, and she said something like, "that's not a subject that's typically studied or taught in a CSD curriculum". as if it's just crazy that i as a CSD student would want to learn about something as esoteric as fucking vision and hearing loss! what a marvel!! not like those two senses have fucking anything to do with communication huh??? not like children who are deafblind face significant barriers in their development of language, the effects of which i have personally seen in numerous individuals??? clearly i'm really the crazy one here
#sorry this ended up turning into a rant about this specific professor lol#i did mean for it to be more general but she really pissed me off#she has in fact pissed me off two out of the two times i have spoken to her so that's cool#she apparently also sucks as a prof but my cohort has lucked out bc#she was supposed to teach neuro this semester and artic/phono next semester but isn't for unknown reasons#so we get other (better) teachers#apparently i will have to have her this summer tho :/#anyway as to why i'm getting steamed about this weeks after the fact#i'm currently reading a paper on deafblindness (that i personally chose for a class project) and it's just on my mind again#everyone in the class had to pick papers on a population of interest for them (like autism; down syndrome; selective mutism; etc)#and there's a public list of what everyone chose and i'm the only one who chose anything about vision/hearing which i guess isn't surprisin#but yeah the more i think about this stuff the more i kinda wish i had taken all my prereqs so i could have applied to go to gallaudet#if there's any program that's gonna have people who know more about these populations it's there#out of the places i was accepted i feel very confident i chose the best option#this place has a brand new asl program and so they are actively making efforts to raise deaf awareness in the dept#but even with that it's still astonishing how people in this field brush off knowing anything about these populations#like yeah it's very low incidence i can get that#but we still learned a bunch about fucking williams syndrome and that's exceedingly rare#and rare or not it has a demonstrable effect on language development which makes it extremely relevant#jesus i'm sorry for the tag essay i'm gonna stop#i am procrastinating as usual bc i can't focus on this paper even though i am very interested#here is that grad school tag
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shsjeiegjshebr
#man. getting upset about stupid shit. again#yesterday we had an assembly at school for the end of the year awards and whatever#and the only friend i had in the class i was in when we went down left early to go find the rest of our friends#so i went down and found a spot and i already sort of knew this would happen#but i got there pretty early and i watched my whole friend group come in. and they didn’t even look for me#it’s like they didn’t even notice i wasn’t there. and they just walked over and sat down on the other side of the room#and i guess they were all having fun sitting next to each other. i was sitting alone having to listen to some seniors saying really awful#things behind me. idk#they didn’t text me and ask where i was or say anything about it afterwards#like they just completely didn’t notice i wasn’t there#and if they did they don’t care enough to ask where i was#and i’m making them seem a lot worse than they are but like. MAN that hurt#like all i want is a friend. that’s it man. that’s all i’ve ever wanted. i just want someone i can rely on to sit with me at an assembly#i’m not suicidal i really do want to live but. god i just want to know what would happen#i don’t want to kill myself bc i think they’d be better off without me i want to kill myself because i want to know how they would react#i want them to know how much stupid shit like that affects me man. yk. and i know how callous that is and i hate it but god i think about it#so so so much. like#they’ve gotten a whole new friend group and tell me that we’re still really good friends but man you can’t fucking lie to me like that#like you can’t tell me that we’re as close as we used to be because we’re not. i know they don’t like me anymore and it’s fine becuase i get#it i wouldn’t like me either i have to spend all day every day with myself#but like. all i’ve ever wanted is a friend#and i want to just break and start yelling at them for this because i feel so fucking alone but it’s not their fault and that would only#drive them away more#like i feel like the only thing that would bring them closer to me would be to try and kill myself but i don’t want to do that yk#not actually at least. i’ll daydream about it 24/7 though. i’ll think of that as the better timeline#and i don’t want to bring this up to them bc i already have once before and they pretty much told me its not their problem#and again i’m making them seem so much worse than they actually are but this is just how my brain interprets this#and i kind of want to attempt but not die but like my mom’s best friend died this morning and i can’t fucking do that to her#like more than anytjing else i just want a friend. i don’t blame them but like. is that so much to ask#vent
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idk what my father thought the take-away would be by taking my brother & i downtown to look at homeless people every holiday and birthday growing up was. like all it’s turned into was ‘communism = good’ & 🤝 like 😭😭
#diary#‘rhat could easily be u one day’ ‘one accident is all it takes’ then to the -> ‘we will kick u out if u do something we don’t like’ -> im#poor & therefore the poor is me ALSKALSKALKSLAKS#like idk. i mean i’ve been thinking abt it so much like how things could’ve been different if only money weren’t a problem#like yea he grew up basically homeless so i understand what his point ? was i guess ? but idk like the looming ‘u can be kicked out’ had#been held over me since i realized my faggotry at like 7/8 like ALSKALSKALSKLAKS#i didn’t have money ? i was a child ? i couldn’t afford things ? but also the money i did have was from work i’d do around the house or#whatever like if we got birthday money like 80% would go into a savings account but i didn’t have access to that account until i turned like#17 so like still its not like it was MY money - all my money was what i had or what i could hide or stash like#the HOARDING#JUST IN CASE I GOT FOUND OUT#maybe this was really unhealthy#but REGARDLESS it’s like ok idk the class solidarity but HE doesn’t like the homeless now bc he’s a crotchety old man that was a child of#neoliberal capitalism so i mean yea idk i get it but MY generation like my brother & i - or at least I REALIZED THIS - but like the flourish#that my father received from the economy he came of age into is NOT being passed along to me like im just floundering i keep thinking abt#money like im so fucking stressed all the time abt MONEY like i RESENT it so much like i WISH i could’ve been born into wealth like just#be NORMAL have a NORMAL college like be able to GET A LOAN at ALL for school loans but#like even if i COULD get a loan it’s not like i’d be able to PAY IT BACK !!!!! like oh my god ? & then who’d end up having to figure out how#to pay it back ? my family bc .. gov gon get their money somehow & i can’t do that even if i DID get kicked out like#im just so envious of the wealthy; those who could pay their way - or get it covered#like literally ‘what’re u going to do :)’ bro i don’t FUCKING KNOW DO U HAVE MONEY FOR ME TO DO ANYTHING ? BC WORKING FOR 30K/YEAR IS MORE#like time available to look for Real work vs Working at Work like it’s MORE affordable to NOT work#what’s the POINT if fucking WALMART pays MORE THAN A DEGREED REQUIREMENT#like 😭😭😭😭😭#cost of living crisis ever rising#like ok let’s just#im going to light things on fire
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last year: yeah I’ve been into musicals for a while but I can’t really say I’m a hardcore fan only because I don’t know much beyond a couple specific shows and I haven’t gotten to see much at all for a while
this year: an entire world of resources has been opened up to me I’ve watched 3 shows 7 times each and have been chewing on this workshop recording with rabid intensity for months
#talking abt musicals#the thing is I actually usually don’t get into musicals by soundtracks#I actually do have to see or know something about the show first#during high school I got mom hooked and we were able to see a pro show or two every year or two#plus I was in this… program? where I got to see free high school productions by volunteering to write reviews#and then some… people would choose which reviews fo publish at the school newspaper or maybe even local papers#I never ended up getting picked so it didn’t really matter#I don’t think any of my reviews were what anybody wanted I didnt know shit about writing like a theater critic#also I have no memory of how I got into this#so other than the pro shows I was also just seeing a lot in general I guess#for… one year? one semester?#and doing stage crew and doing ensemble when I was a senior (bc obviously seniors pass auditions right)#man I was doing chorus and color guard and set building and musical rehearsals that year#and I’m pretty sure some county chorus also#did I really do all that?#wack#no wait yeah I remember I think it was wednesdays mom had to drive me to the local college for chorus rehearsals so that wasnt the hs chorus#anyway it’s because of the review program thing I actually got to see more than I would’ve#but I only remember… wait no it was way more than 3#it was thoroughly modern millie and chicago and sideshow and once on this island and peter pan#OH AND LITTLE WOMEN#wow I completely forgot about all of that#I remember because sutton foster’s the lead for millie and little women and I was really into sutton foster because of the one song I knew#from drowsy chaperone#WAIT ALSO LES MIS#I remember the high school bridge scene#and then in borders I’d go to the music section and look up cds and listen to them#I don’t think it was as common to upload osts on yt?#and I’m pretty sure we ended up seeing shrek on bway specifically because I wanted to see sutton foster#and then she DISAPPEARED INTO TV
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i think it would’ve been kinda cool if in ntwewy week 3 you occasionally got jumped by random reapers who were after shoka for having betrayed them, like what they did with beat
#i mean i know there was a specific reason why kitaniji called an emergency call in the UG and it wasn’t actually bc he was peeved at beat#he couldn’t care less about one meaningless traitor it’s just that this specific game needs to go a certain way#i mean we did get reapers (both important and nameless) hissing at shoka for being a traitor#and i guess we did fight susukichi and ayano#plus the people running the game had better things to do and the narrative was busy enough so i get it#still can you imagine if we were just constantly getting harassed at random every few areas#neo the world ends with you#ntwewy#subaseka tag#mine: twewy
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vent
#had an issue a while ago where my bf was leaving his dirty clothes in piles on the floor which is fine except when the piles#are kept in the same room as the litterbox and the cat takes that as a cue to start pissing in piles of clothes#so i told him he couldnt do it anymore he said ok and then a bit later i caught the cat right as he was abt to piss in said clothes again#and when i was like 'hey i said you cant do this it can ruin your clothes if it gets left there' and he was like 'oh yeah i know but it's#my clothes so that's a risk i just decided to take' which uhhhh No????? no in so many ways?????????#but i didnt process how wack that is at the time so i just moved on and was like 'no but for real you cant do this anymore like not#a suggestion like legit This Cannot Continur Happening bc the end of this road is that the cat learns pissing in clothes piles is#ok whenever he wants' which did actually get him to stop but that was apparently enough learning time for mr carrot#we've had a few issues with it not toooo bad but its definitely been getting steadily more frequent#anyways guess whose electric blanket got pissed in today bc he left it in a pile on the floor and taught the cat its ok to piss in those#im having trouble giving a shit about it in the ways i should#like. idc that the blanket is maybe ruined#when he bought it he said it was for both of us but its just his so like idc but what i AM feeling is mad at him#cause like. i told him not to#and i shouldn't have HAD to tell him not to‚ 'the cat is pissing in my clothes so i will make it no longer possible for that to happen'#should be a no brainer i cannot imagine going 'welp i guess if it happens it happens' ITS PISS IN YOUR CLOTHES SITTING STALE FOR#WHO KNOWS HOW LONG and now we have to be hypervigilant abt Any Fabric Ever and who knows if itll escalate even further#hes already escalated from exclusively floor fabric to pissing in MY clothes that i was keeping on a table#like. the next stop is obviously couches/beds but like once they learn something its real hard to train them not to#and im just. frustrated that this is just gonna be yet another thing i have to deal with all the time when he shouldve just#Not Decided It Was Fine For The Cat To Piss In His Clothes In The First Place Hello?????!!!#but i also feel bad bc i feel like im holding a grudge about something small but i also Cant Let It Go#usually when the thing im mad abt is something insignificant its annoying for a bit then i let go but im just like !!!!!! what the fuck!!!!#idk. whatever#its his problem now idk how to get the heating psrt separate from the blanket part so i just sprayed some urine enzyme#on it and he can figure out wtf to do with in once he gets home in like two hours#and if thats too long and the smell gets baked in. oh well i guess#he hasnt been able to smell since we got covid anyways so like. its whatever i guess he can stew in a cat piss blanket if he wants#but i also cant tell if this is just a side effect of my General Irritability over the last few months and i really am mad abt nothing#ESPECIALLY because i keep saying it doesnt really directly effect me at this point then its like ok why are you so mad abt it then
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