#but its like. i still want to do the thing. but. everything in me screams we WILL put this off however long we can
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till forever falls apart.
The bestfriendSimon x f!Reader fic I first talked about.
cw: all sorts of trauma, character death, fluff, probable smut, inaccurate military stuff, a little bit canon and a little bit AU. do tell me if i missed something.
Your history with Simon goes back to elementary school. He grew up in an abusive household and you grew up in foster care with guardians who only cared about the government money.
Both of you bonded over the same things and became inseparable.
No one dared to mess with you in school because they knew if they did, they would have to answer Simon, and nobody wanted to cross him.
Junior year of high school starts and you get a visit from your social service agent, who wants to relocate you, but you are adamant that you want to stay here, but alas she takes you kicking and screaming.
Simon promises that he will find you in the future, and so with tears in both of your eyes, you leave. The same year Simon ran away from home.
Now 12 years later, he is on an undercover intel mission in Australia with Johnny. that's when he spots you, sitting in a cafe, looking like a dream, writing furiously on your laptop.
How does he knows its you? why wouldn't he? You were, are everything to him. The only person who knows him better than himself.
He has been trying to find you for years but always came out empty handed. By joining the military he thought it would be easy but it wasn't.
Johnny notices him freezing in the middle of the sidewalk staring intently at the glass window of the cafe, he turns to see what caught his Lt's eye and he sees the prettiest bonnie lass that he's ever seen.
he smirks " see something you like Lt?"
"that's her" Simon barely whispers, his heart racing.
Johnny's head snaps in your direction again, everyone in the team knows who you are. the little bird Simon has been trying to find for years.
and here you are, sitting in the cafe, oblivious to the fact that the man you have been looking for is standing right outside.
You finish your work and pack up your stuff to leave, you turn around and slam face-first into a wall of muscle. A strong hand stabilizes you as a soft 'oomph" leaves your mouth.
now, you are not small in any proportions, but this man still dwarfs you.
you look up to apologize and the sorry dies on your tongue as you come face to face with a skull mask.
your brain short circuits for a minute, and you're trying to figure out what to say then suddenly a heavily accented voice speaks from behind him " A'm so sorry Bonnie, he wasn't keen" a bulky man with a mohawk speaks.
they both look like they came out of some military comic. scarred, bulky, and big.
"it's ok, I wasn't looking either" you reply, looking back to the big guy in the mask, who's still blocking your path.
"Birdie...." the big guy breathes in through his teeth.
Recognition hits you like a tsunami. only one person in your life called you that—your best friend.
your eyes turn comically wide as you ask "Simon?" in a small voice, not believing it's him.
His gloved hands frame your face and he traces every inch of you with his eyes.
You look into his eyes and familiarity hits you, the same warm brown eyes that used to comfort you, that was your home, now standing at almost 6ft 5 in.
"Found ya."
and any sense of where you are leaves your mind as you leap into his arms and hug him as tight as possible. his beefy arms come around you and crush you to his chest as he breathes in your sweet scent.
you hold him and sob, he's here you can't believe it. He's here.
finally, finally.......somebody clears their throat next to you. you turn your head from Simon's chest and see a line of people waiting to sidestep both of you but unsure because of the sheer size of the man in front of you.
"We are blocking the line Si," you giggle and sob simultaneously.
hearing your voice after so long, Simon feels like he can breathe again.
you are here, his birdie, his angel, his everything. and this time no one can take you away from him. No one.
SOOOOOOOO!! WHAT DO WE THINK????? This is going to be a multi-part series because I'm just starting with this. I have so much to add.
Do tell me your thoughts and theories. And feel free to ask anything
And if you have requests for COD more specifically Simon, do send them my way, I'll try my best to write them.
love ya!!!!!
ALI-❤️
#cod mw x reader#simon ghost riley#simon riley x reader#simon riley fluff#call of duty modern warfare 2#fem reader#long lost friend#john soap mactavish#modern warfare
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RED LEDGER — Soldier Boy/Ben (Chapter I)
Summary: As a former FBSA analyst, you find yourself fighting against supes in a morally gray manner. Knowing there’s not much to do thanks to Hughie’s revelations about your current director and your hidden feelings for him, you agree to help his team despite your lack of special abilities. Just like Butcher and his boys, your family has been hurted badly by Vought and its superhuman puppets. But the one you hate the most is perhaps the worst nightmare you could ever ask to face every damn day: Soldier Boy in the flesh.
Pairing: Soldier Boy/Ben x female reader.
Word count: 3.2k.
Genre: slow burn, angst, some hurt/comfort and romance in the end.
Warnings: Soldier Boy hurting reader intentionally and unintentionally, some misogyny, suggestive and sexual themes, mentions of a dead older brother, mentions of drugs and alcohol usage, usual language, canon violence, wounds, blood, some OOC!Soldier Boy, reader is a badass, unrequited love (Hughie x reader).
Chapter I |
GEN MASTERLIST!
Note: i hope you all like this short fic, i'm still working on my previous soldier boy fic but with season 4 right at the corner i'm arranging some stuff for it, so meanwhile please have this commissioned work, thanks !!
If you’d like to be added, the taglist is here!
☕ if you like my writing, support me with a ko-fi !
Your eyes opened with lightning force. You can’t hear anything but an uncomfortable and annoying beep sound, echoing in your ears making you flinch and hiss in pain. Moments before you found yourself in an old, dusty tech room with Hughie inside a secret, rotten lab. Now, taking secret files and information of those who sent the V there wasn’t coming out easily.
And now, everything was blurry, your body aching on the ground as you tried to get yourself up on your knees after a very known blast blew up everything around. Debris and smoke surrounded you and you tried finding your partner with the poor visibility you had, the lights flickering on and off as rocks fell by your side.
“Hughie?!” you scream with a sore throat, inhaling the dust and dragging yourself on the floor. “Hughie!”
You perceived a mess as you stood up on your feet. Every limb and inch of your body felt like a truck had hit you countless times. This was one of the things you hated the most; being around supes all the fucking time, exposed to their childish tantrum and, in consequence, getting fucking hurt by them and their uncontrolable powers.
As the dirty haze faded away, you were able to spot Hughie’s legs. He was lying under a big hunk of concrete, and you ran towards him however your body allowed you to. Once you dropped yourself to his side, you tried to push the concrete away with no results. You could hear his whines, observing his eyes shutting close, teeth biting his lip and blood running down his temple. At least he was alive.
“Someone help!” you shouted, giving up on your vain attempts to free him. “Help! Please!”
And like a prayer, Kimiko showed inside the ruined room. Injured, with blood and guts sprinkling on her clothes, she quickly came closer to where you knelt. She gently pushed you aside and lifted up the concrete, throwing it away without further effort. A heavy gasp left your throat, taking in the sight of a big metal rod buried on his stomach, making a pool of blood on his shirt.
“Fuck! I’m bleeding, I’m dying, I’m fucking dying,” Hughie hissed through his teeth. You could hear better now the strain on his voice, the beep long dissipated from your ears.
“Shut up! We’re gonna take this out of you,” you said, sternly. In reality, you were just as fucking freaked out as him. You didn’t want to lose him. You just couldn’t.
Kimiko gave you a look; one that you knew too much. She nodded at you, eyes narrowed, and immediately, you grabbed Hughie’s hand. He screamed when Kimiko took the rod out of him, throwing it away with a thud. He held tightly to your hand while the supe applied pressure on his wound, soaking her hands on his puddle of blood.
“That shit hurt!” Hughie cried, his heartbeat increasing, anxiously breathing. “Ugh, fuck!”
“I know, but we have to go now. We have everything we need, let’s go.”
You took one of Hughie’s arms, helping him sit up. Kimiko made him stand up, taking all the weight on her. He cursed under his breath as he grabbed your hand again. It was a sign he was disturbed and concerned. And as much as you wanted to keep his touch, you pulled away, letting Kimiko do her work. She was much stronger than you anyway, and the last thing you wanted was hurting him more. They disappeared behind the rubble, Hughie’s whines of pain slowly disappearing as they left you behind. The room you were in now had two walls barely standing, door completely destroyed, and computers and metal messily arranged on the ground.
When you looked back to the direction from where the blast came, you caught a glimpse at him. That fucking bastard. He strolled through the mess between the pillars that were left slowly, and his green eyes studied the place around, realizing what happened. Or better said, what he caused. His hard stare fell on you, standing a few feet away from you. Your fists clenched and your eyes turned red at the sight. If you were more than a simple human, you would have found a way to kill Soldier Boy already.
“Ow!” you hissed in pain.
“Sorry, Y/N,” MM mumbled, finishing up an improvised bandage on your waist. “Got a very bad wound.”
When Hughie and Kimiko left, you started to look up for Butcher and the rest, and it wasn’t until MM saw you that he noticed you were bleeding. There was a deep cut on one side of your abdomen, a horrendous one, and you felt nothing, only after he pointed out. You were able to walk just fine to the back seat of the car with MM’s help, Soldier Boy joined Butcher on the front, both men in complete silence.
“It’s fine,” you answered. “Where’s Hughie?”
“Kimiko took him to Frenchie’s van, they should be home already,” the man said, cleaning the blood from his hands with a cloth. “I’m really surprised you didn’t feel anything.”
You flinched a little, avoiding his worried eyes. “Yeah… I get to ignore pain easily.”
The whole journey back to the building, you didn’t feel a single hitch of discomfort. Most likely because your mind was far away from your reality. From your seat, the only thing you could think of was Soldier Boy and his reckless stupidity. Nothing would’ve made you feel better than to cut his throat. Too sad it wasn’t like you could. Your eyes never moved from him. He looked as calm as ever, like if he didn’t fuck it up. Like Hughie and you were nothing. Soldier Boy treated all of your team like fucking trash. And probably everyone else was getting used to it, but not you. You could not let him step over you.
With a small limp, you made it to the building and entered the place now you called home. The walls were too small, making you feel imprisoned inside. Every day was a living hell, but that special night was the worst of them all. Butcher and Soldier Boy led the way, and you bumped into them to surpass their slow strides until you stopped in front of Hughie’s door. Annie walked out before you could knock.
“How’s he doing?”
Annie’s eyes widened. She was taken aback.
“He’s resting,” the blonde said, closing the door behind her.
You could only get a small picture of Hughie lying down on the bed, sound asleep. For some reason, you felt a liability on your shoulders. Maybe you could’ve done something. Anything. If you just acted when the rumble started and before it all happened, he wouldn’t be there.
“Don’t worry, he’ll be fine,” Annie reassured, placing a hand on your arm. You looked at her and she gave you a soothing smile and continued. “Hughie’s very strong, you know that.”
God, you should be the one comforting her. She was his girlfriend after all, she was supposed to be the one fucking worried for him. In the end, you were just a friend. A very good friend he trusted a lot, according to his words. But the time you spent with him at Supe Affairs was more than enough to feel things you shouldn’t. It was so wrong recalling your own unrequited feelings being in front of Annie after her boyfriend almost died.
“Y/N, I’m sorry I have to go, need some medicine and painkillers for Hughie,” her words interrupted your thoughts.
All you could do was nod and you followed Annie with your gaze as she crossed the place between the three men standing still in the middle of the living room. She suddenly paused and let her gaze fall directly at Butcher.
“We’ll talk later,” she warned through her teeth, loud enough for everyone to hear.
The blonde continued her way to the front door, not before laying her burning eyes on Soldier Boy. The lights flickered up for a moment as she stopped on her tracks to look at him and in a second, she disappeared and closed the door with a loud thud. You were only able to see her back, but you knew better. She was angry.
And you’ve seen Starlight pissed off before, why wasn’t she doing more than giving them both a warning? Butcher was an idiot and Soldier Boy was a fucking terrorist supe under an uncapable asshole as a leader. The only sane fucker between them was MM, but even he wasn’t doing shit either. Kimiko and Frenchie were probably now locked up together. Did nobody fucking care? That was the moment where your guilt turned into pure rage. Your feet started moving on their own and hot blood erupted on your veins, your gaze on Soldier Boy as words blurted out.
“You stupid motherfucker! You’re a fucking monster!”
“Oi!” Butcher’s voice boomed over yours.
You felt strong hands grabbing your arms, forcing you to stop only a couple of inches away from Soldier Boy, not allowing you to go further.
“We almost die because of you, fucking asshole!”
“Hey, Y/N! Calm down!” MM shouted on your back, holding you in place.
“Let me go!” you yelled, squirming and trying to release yourself. “We almost got compromised because of this bastard!” you screamed to MM and quickly your gaze turned to Soldier Boy. “Don’t you know how to fucking control yourself, you stupid fuckface?!”
The supe seemed unimpressed at your poor attempts, his flickering eyes looking down at you with a straight face that you couldn’t really describe. Just like all of him. He always seemed to not fucking care. And at that moment, what else could you do? Slap him to death? You were nothing compared to him.
You hissed as MM held you tight, his strength wasn’t letting you go further and the wound on your abdomen became too painful to bear.
“Fuck,” you mumbled under your breath.
“C’mon, I need to stitch your wound,” MM tried to persuade you, pulling you backwards.
You shot a last angry glare at Soldier Boy. “I so fucking hate you!”
As you spilled your words, the supe just smiled mischievously. “Get in line, sweetheart, a lot of people are waiting for a shot.”
You forced yourself to calm down before letting MM take you away to help with the cut. You kept cursing under your breath until you disappeared inside the room under Ben’s playful gaze and Butcher’s equally pissed and concerned eyes.
“You gotta be fucking kidding, mate,” Butcher commented, watching him strolling inside the living.
Soldier Boy placed his shield on the couch before he paced around the kitchen, opening and closing various cabinets until he took out a bottle and a glass that he used to serve himself a drink. He took a sip, letting the sweet liquid burn down his throat. “We have what you fucking wanted, we’re alive… Well, twink’s half alive. But besides that, you’re all so damn welcome.”
“Yeah, you could’ve held up a bit,” Butcher tried reasoning with him. “But they were so fucking close to you.”
“Then you should tell those fuckers in the lab to stop playing their fucking russian music, I can’t stand it,” he hissed, swallowing the last bit of whiskey. Butcher gave him a stern look. “Look, they’re dead. You have your info, the stupid tubes, and I just stopped them from creating more terrorists by killing them.”
Butcher grimaced, knowing it was pointless to argue with the old man. “Just be careful with my boys,” he voiced out and he walked to your door, knocking two times before opening it and getting inside.
He was greeted with your whining as MM finished the last stitch on your wound.
“How you doin’?” the British man asked.
“Not so good,” you hissed, taking the glass of water from MM’s hands with a soft ‘thanks’. “I want to fucking punch his nose.”
“About that, I’ll give him a chat.”
You scoffed. “Can we stop bringing him into this? Hughie almost died. And next it might be me, or MM, or you, but sometimes I doubt you fucking care.”
“Stop right there,” Butcher sternly said. “Of course I fucking care.”
“Then why is he here?”
“Just for props,” he answered, but you were definitely starting to doubt it inside.
And you knew MM was feeling the same. The difference between you and him is that you were reckless, and you didn’t really were the one putting the stupid team together. If anything, you would put yourself first. Maybe Hughie. But that’s another story. You let out a deep sigh, turning your attention to Butcher.
“Alright, I’m tired, please just go. I’ll kick his balls tomorrow.”
“Found another lead,” you announced. “Sending coordinates right now.”
Frenchie, who stayed by your side working on his own laptop, smiled at you. “Perfect, ma dame.”
“Should be around 15 miles away from here; trucks have been getting there with more V according to the last security camera,” you said, standing up from your seat at the dining table with a painful grimace on your face as you approached the fridge for some cold water. “Butcher can let us know when we should attack.”
“No need, I think we can do that in the next three days. Besides I still have some ammo,” Frenchie informed you.
“That’s good news I guess,” you replied back, with half a smile as you looked around when the main door opened.
Butcher and Ben entered the place, and your mood was down again. It was barely noon and you had already taken the stupid jokes coming from the old fucker a couple of hours ago. When Butcher announced he was leaving, taking Ben along with him, you sighed with relief. Pity that peaceful time wasn’t enough for you to recover. Sure it was not plenty of time for you to forgive and forget how a piece of crap he was, and how fucking horrible your wound hurted the few hours you got to try and sleep each night. Two days after your last mission, the pain on your abdomen hadn’t been lesser, and the fact that Hughie was still inside his room sleeping and resting, accompanied by Annie just made it worse, reminding you of the amount of hatred you had grown for him. As you finished your bottle of water resting against the kitchen counter, Ben approached, leaving a paper bag on top. You watched Butcher and Frenchie talking about the next lab target from afar.
“How’s your wound doing?”
Soldier Boy’s question made your eyes fall on him, frowning your brows.
“Are you asking ‘cause you care?”
He smirked. “I don’t need liability, that’s why I’m fucking asking. I know the twink is not doing so well though.”
“Fuck off.”
Soldier Boy rolled his eyes as your gaze focused again in Frenchie on the dining table, folding your arms on your chest.
“You really have no idea of what triggers my blasts, do you,” Ben said.
“No. And if you won’t tell me that you will control your shit, then I don’t fucking want to keep talking to you.”
He scoffed, with that stupid, haughty smile of his. You noticed he got closer to you, as he started to speak. “Right, and I might have to remind you that you’re alive and breathing.”
Anger raised again and you forced yourself to keep it cool, just because you didn’t want to make an act. After all, you couldn’t really control it. Butcher already scolded you for it the day before, like if you were a damn kid. MM also talked to you about it. You were ready to throw a knife to Soldier Boy last night right during last dinner, even if you knew it wouldn’t do anything to him. He was such an annoying douchebag and probably deserved more of what happened to him back in Russia.
“Listen, if it was on me, I’d already cut off your dick and shoved it down your throat until you choked on it,” you blurted out in a whisper, holding his eyes.
He tried to lean to get closer to your ear, but you stepped back. And even with that, the distance was too short for your comfort when he whispered back.
“Sugar, I still need my dick. Maybe you’d like a taste.”
“You’re so fucking gross,” you snapped. “And you could’ve gotten us killed!”
“Is this really about you or… Hughie back there?” he teased. “Because trust me, I thought Butcher was sucking him off all this time if it wasn’t for Starlight. Or you.”
And then, everything happened so fast that you didn’t know that your fist met his cheek.
The door closed behind Butcher’s back as you entered the room first, turning on your heels to face him.
“Now, remind me why I am here and he isn’t,” you inquired.
He approached you, placing a hand on your shoulder. You could already feel the sermon coming out of his mouth. Butcher seemed to forget Soldier Boy was the one starting to bother you and being an idiot since he arrived, and the tension was palpable but nobody seemed to care. That or they were pretty good at hiding it. Of course the only thing Butcher cared about right now was taking down those labs to sabotage Homelander and Victoria’s campaign, not how well you’ll mix with everyone on his team.
“Just a couple of fucking missions, Y/N,” he started, and you noticed he tried to use a calm tone of voice on you. “I know you’re not particularly fond of him, but we don’t need another unpredictable reckless asshole in our team, now do we?”
“Me? Reckless? I’m not the one putting everyone in danger because I can’t control myself!” you shouted, and watched as Butcher doubted his next words. Instead, he pulled his hand off from your shoulder and straightened himself. “I’m wounded, but Hughie had the worst part and you still scold me for being mad at Soldier Boy for that. Are you gonna do something when it’s your turn to be blasted by that piece of shit?”
He took one of his hands, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I fucking know that. We need him to take the labs down. Can you behave while we do that?” he asked, looking right into your eyes.
“How much time?”
“I don’t have—”
“How much fucking time?”
Butcher scoffed. “A month, or two. Maybe more. I don’t exactly have a number to tell ya.”
You rolled your eyes. “Your chat with him was for nothing, dickhead. He’s still out there, being an asshole. And honestly, he deserves more than a punch, and you know that.”
You were ready to leave, passing by his side when his hand wrapped on your forearm, stopping you in your tracks.
“He’s being watched by the CIA, they put a tracker under his skin. Once we’re done, he'll be put to sleep again,” Butcher informed. His words made you look back at him.
“You better make it happen.”
Soldier Boy taglist: @delaynew @k-silla
@thesilmarillionblog
@onlyangel-444 @mrsjenniferwinchester
@daisy-the-quake
@jackles010378
@mostlymarvelgirl
@deans-spinster-witch
#soldier boy/ben#soldier boy x reader#soldier boy x you#soldier boy x female reader#soldier boy x y/n#soldier boy fanfiction#soldier boy jensen ackles#the boys soldier boy#the boys series
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So I just read your Muzan and Gojo fluff and loved them so much! Do you think it would be possible for me to request something like the Muzan one where the reader joins Sukuna in becoming a cursed spirit, but they're on opposing ends? Like lovers that are enemies kinda thing 👀
Thank you for the kind words~!
As for your request, I had to do a deep dive into spirits as it's been a hot minute since I've seen anything JJK story wise. In that research, following your request was a bit difficult but I still hope you enjoy it nonetheless~
For all readers: Please keep in mind the process I will use is not canonical in any way and is merely me making this up for the sake of the story.
This may be a bit cheesy, but you know what? We're here to enjoy and indulge in all things.
Should you desire a part 2, do let me know~
Title: To Live with You
Characters: Sukuna x m!reader
Contains: fluff, human transformation, Sukuna is in Yuuji's body
Fandom: Jujutsu Kaisen
Full request below the cut
All characters are 18+
MINORS, FEM ALIGNED, AGELESS/BLANK BLOGS DNI
Reblogs > likes
Cold...It's so cold...
It felt like ice was coursing through your veins, but you couldn't fight it. Everything was dark, your senses dulled to nothing save for the blistering chill that seemed to spiral through your body.
"I'm almost done. I know, it must hurt."
That voice...whose was it? It sounded so familiar yet so foreign. It didn't help with how fuzzy it sounded, how muffled and distant it was.
You wanted to agree that it did hurt, but your mouth wouldn't budge, no part of you would no matter how hard you tried. You only wished you could remember how you got here so you could try and steady your heart.
Except your heart was already still.
That had to be it. You had to be dead, right? You never knew death would be so cold. Strangely enough, it wasn't terrible. If you got cold enough, everything would numb up, and you would eventually pass, surely.
But it never came, and you continued to lay in frozen limbo.
"Just one more vial...and it will be complete..."
Vial? Complete? Just what was this voice talking about?
Any thought you had would come to a screeching halt as whatever icy sensation you had to give way to a roaring flame. Your body felt like it was engulfed in heat, like you were dropped into a pit of fire. Compared to the numbing cold, you wanted to scream out with how this felt. Going from frozen to blazing was a shock, one that practically shook you out of the comatose sleep you were in.
Eyes snapping open, you sat up, sweat rolling down your face as you panted heavily, gripping at the fabric of your shirt that resided over your chest. You could once again feel the pounding of your heart, though it felt unknown, as if it wasn't meant to beat again. Your vision struggled to focus, your body unsure of its state. You felt wrong, but it was his voice that brought you back.
"Y/N..."
It took you a moment, but once you were able to meet the red eyed gaze of the King of Curses, you knew you were safe. In fact, your memories came flooding back.
The long conversations you two had, the uncertainty, the confusion, fear, acceptance, it all came back to you like a ton of bricks.
He had transformed you as promised.
You instantly wrapped your arms around Sukuna's shoulders, pulling him into a deep kiss, which he returned without hesitation. It lasted longer than any other kiss you had before, but you deserved it for the hell you endured to get to where you were now.
With this cursed transformation, you could live by Sukuna's side.
Except for one thing.
"We need to head back," he breathed once you two broke the kiss. "It's almost sunrise."
It was only now that you realized you weren't in your bed, but instead in a desolate alleyway, free from any peering eyes, but his words made the dull ache return to your body.
"Sukuna--"
"The change is faint for now, but you need to work on surpressing the energy okay?"
"Can't we just run--"
"You knew well what you were signing up for." Sukuna's voice was firm, but careful. He was right, and you knew it. Now, you had to fight more than ever to keep yourself hidden. The change was risky, but you did so to be with the King of Curses as long as you could. "Remember, I won't hold back if we ever need to fight."
You gave a small chuckle, standing on shaky legs. "Try me. With this new change, surely I can handle you."
"Now don't get cocky," Sukuna teased with a smirk, standing with you and holding you steady. "Let's get back before it's too late."
#kaisers house of desires#x reader#x male reader#x male y/n#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jjk x reader#jjk sukuna#ryoumen sukuna#jujutsu sukuna#sukuna#jujutsu kaisen sukuna#sukuna ryomen#ryomen sukuna#jjk ryomen#sukuna x reader#sukuna x you#sukuna x y/n
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Blood of Zeus Season 2 Thoughts
Overall, I really liked this season! I'm so glad the show is back, and I really feel like they fleshed out what they had in the first season and I'm very eager to see more.
Random thoughts --
I loved Hestia. She doesn't get much spotlight, but her and Athena get a lot of screentime in the first episode. I think they did a good job of conveying a lot about her in fairly subtle ways. She's the Goddess of the Hearth, she's not a warrior like the others, she's gentle and nurturing but when she has to she'll fight. She's still a FIRE goddess, and even though it clearly doesn't come naturally to her, she fights tooth and nail to do what she has to. Her and Zeus seemed to have something of a bond, which was unexpected and kind of sweet.
Athena, loved her. Wish we'd seen her in Season 1, tbh. Loved her big sister vibes to Heron and all her other siblings, kicks a lot of ass.
I liked what they did with Heron this season. I liked him well enough in season 1, but he gets more fleshed out here, and it really made me like him even more. HE MUST BE PROTECTED GIVE HIM A HAPPY ENDING DAMN IT.
Loved everything between him and Seraphim, their interactions in the latter half of the season really got to me. I'm very curious to see what the future holds for them both. Their entire relationship screams tragedy but I'm gonna cross my fingers and hope for a happy ending somehow.
HADES AND PERSEPHONE. I thought this was a great take on them, and maybe a controversial opinion but I actually liked the show's take on Demeter. I always thought the fact that Demeter inflicts winter on the world whenever Persephone leaves suggested a much darker side to her - yes I know in some myths its because she's sad and despondent over Persephone being missing, but in others it seemed more like a conscious choice on her end. "I will starve the entire world until I get Persephone back." Even when the arrangement is made, she continues to bring winter, so with that in mind it makes sense to me she'd have the potential for more selfish or ruthless actions. She's not PURE EVIL exactly (at least not anymore so than any of the other Olympians, let's be real) but she's definitely not nice either.
I want to kick Ares in the head. That's all. (Aphrodite, girl, I think you can do better - and honestly Hephaestus can get it, give him another shot, anyone else really)
I loved the Underworld and the trials and the judges. Hera surprised me this season too, I'm very interested to see where things go with her.
Not a lot of Poseidon this season, which bummed me out a little.
What was going on with Evios? I guess they are saving that for Season 3 but I was very confused with him, and who this mysterious woman he and Kofi worked with before. Was she involved with the giant remains thing as well?
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having adhd, i realized its such a silly jester disorder.. like what do you MEAN when i want to do something but someone else Tells me to do that thing i already wanted to do, my brain will turn around and be like 'fuck YOU in particular' and then i dont want to do it anymore. are you Kidding?!
#this might not be part of adhd for everyone ofc#but its like. i still want to do the thing. but. everything in me screams we WILL put this off however long we can#saturn says#adhd#also dont come for me this post is intentionally silly ofc there is other much harder things me and other ppl with adhd struggle with#just covering my bases
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examining a seemingly normal image only to slowly realize the clear signs of AI generated art.... i know what you are... you cannot hide your true nature from me... go back where you came from... out of my sight with haste, wretched and vile husk
#BEGONE!!! *wizard beam blast leaving a black smoking crater in the middle of the tumblr dashboard*#I think another downside to everyone doing everything on phone apps on shitty tiny screens nowadays is the inability to really see details#of an image and thus its easier to share BLATANTLY fake things like.. even 'good' ai art has pretty obvious tells at this point#but especially MOST of it is not even 'good' and will have details that are clearly off or lines that dont make sense/uneven (like the imag#of a house interior and in the corner there's a cabinet and it has handles as if it has doors that open but there#are no actual doors visible. or both handles are slightly different shapes. So much stuff that looks 'normal' at first glance#but then you can clearly tell it's just added details with no intention or thought behind it. a pattern that starts and then just abruptly#doesn't go anywhere. etc. etc. )#the same thing with how YEARS ago when I followed more fashion type blogs on tumblr and 'colored hair' was a cool ''''New Thing''' instead#of being the norm now basically. and people would share photos of like ombre hair designs and stuff that were CLEARLY photoshop like#you could LITERally see the coloring outside of the lines. blurs of color that extend past the hair line to the rest of the image#or etc. But people would just share them regardless and comment like 'omg i wish I could do this to my hair!' or 'hair goallzzzz!! i#wonder what salon they went to !!' which would make me want to scream and correct them everytime ( i did not lol)#hhhhhhggh... literally view the image on anything close to a full sized screen and You Will SEe#I don't know why it's such a pet peeve of mine. I think just as always I'm obsessed with the reality and truth of things. most of the thing#that annoy me most about people are situations in which people are misinterpreting/misunderstanding how something works or having a misconc#eption about somehting thats easily provable as false or etc. etc. Even if it's harmless for some random woman on facebook to believe that#this AI generated image of a cat shaped coffee machine is actually a real product she could buy somewhere ... I still urgently#wish I could be like 'IT IS ALL AN ILLUSION. YOU SEE???? ITS NOT REALL!!!!! AAAAA' hjhjnj#Like those AI shoes that went around for a while with 1000000s of comments like 'omg LOVE these where can i get them!?' and it's like YOU#CANT!!! YOU CANT GET THEM!!! THEY DONT EXIST!!! THE EYELETS DONT EVEN LINE UP THE SHOES DONT EVEN#MATCH THE PATTERNS ARE GIBBERISH!! HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THEY ARE NOT REAL!??!!' *sobbing in the rain like in some drama movie*#Sorry I'm a pedantic hater who loves truth and accuracy of interpretation and collecting information lol#I think moreso the lacking of context? Like for example I find the enneagram interesting but I nearly ALWAYS preface any talking about it#with ''and I know this is not scientifically accurate it's just an interesting system humans invented to classify ourselve and our traits#and I find it sociologically fascinating the same way I find religion fascinating'. If someone presented personality typing information wit#out that sort of context or was purporting that enneagram types are like 100% solid scientific truth and people should be classified by the#unquestionaingly in daily life or something then.. yeah fuck that. If these images had like disclaimers BIG in the image description somewh#re like 'this is not a real thing it's just an AI generated image I made up' then fine. I still largely disagree with the ethics behind AI#art but at least it's informed. It's the fact that people just post images w/o context or beleive a falsehood about it.. then its aAAAAAA
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any hopes for kiwami 3? like things u wanna see added or changed stuff like that
if they dont keep kiryu's goofy walk stance and the hoof-like walk sounds i dont wanna play it
#snap chats#no one understands how much i love that from y3 and y4 its genuinely one of my favorite things about the game#oh but i guess i have to give an actual answer now. HMPH.#id scream if they revived kanda calling mine limp wristed. homophobia in 4k#OK BUT TO BE SERIOUS uhhhh i dont know. im a real simple guy i think#my only like. If This Isnt There Im Leaving deal is mine's palette and im so serious#rgg's scaring me with all the black-hair/purple-suit mine stuff as of late and i cant stress how hard ill vomit if thats in the final#HYPOTHETICAL final anyways. yk3 isnt coming out for. IDK A WHILE#i wanna say i hope they highlight daigo and mine's relationship more but i dont know how theyd do that#i really like how mine's handled in y3 as is so i dont think i want scenes injected like what they did with yk1 and nishiki#someone said a Mine Saga after the game and... hm ... sounds too unrealistic for me to hope for it#like im REALLY trying to think how they could possibly reference the rggo stories in y3 since those are EXCELLENT but#i think . MAYBE. you could reference the story where richardson calls mine as he's driving to the hospital#the only thing you'd have to exclude though is mine stopping by the bar- like JUST keep the phone conversation maybe#cause in that scene that subordinate does question mine if he can really kill daigo and i think thatd be neat. in my opinion.#yeah i dont know. in regards to rggo its hard to think of what i want without intervening things i already like about y3#its a real head scratcher ...#a really good epilogue addition would be adapting that RGGO bit where daigo ruminates on mine. that's a fair ending for him i think#it also fulfills the need to see how daigo saw mine even if its just a little#and to non-rggo readers it could start to answer 'how does daigo feel about everything that happened'#im still so curious as to if daigo was briefed on EVERYTHING that happened but .... anyways....#sorry all my hopes for y3 are just mine/minedai centric fLVKELKA BUT LIKE. i really am content with everything else with y3 surprisingly#idk. i want kiryu fucking up that curry in high definition tho. thats important to me#THEY HAVE TO KEEP THE QTES DURING THE RICHARDSON FIGHT ILL BE PISSED#i need the fight to be AS CAMPY and unnecessary as it was in the og. INCLUDING richardson's voice acting i need it wack as hell#is it weird i actually appreciate the Diet Building Loredumping being like. in replayable-cutscene form#i thought id prefer just One Long cutscene but im glad theres the option to skip those segments#BUT being able to get a refresher in case you missed something somehow#im running out of tags jesus christ i shouldve put this in the main text but vjALjlagj those are all my thoughts for now bYE
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*grips my pen violently trying to do lineart* dont make another brozone au dont do it dont make it based off persona shadows DONT-
(more ranting about it in the tags cause if i did it here we'd be lookin at paragraphs of text and that aint the vibe today)
#masky says#trolls dreamworks#i am plagued by visions umu tragic i know#think p4 rather then like p5 or smth#only instead of some secret dimension maybe its like a mirror they find somewhere??#brings out their truest selves???#either way i love the mental image of shadow JD grabbing himself and just screaming 'YOU WISH YOU WERE DEAD! ADMIT IT!'#or shadow Clay laughing at himself and telling him so easily that 'you WISH you were me! everyone LOVES the fun boy no one wanted YOU!'#bruce staring at a reflection of his insecurities just such a sad shadow constantly beating himself up for being too big and too dramatic#too 'himself' you could say#floyd having to handle his shadow parroting all those nasty thoughts hes had about his solo career#about his career in and out of the band. if hes useful. if hes worth any trouble after all his bros had to do for him.#and then theres branch...who is ABSOLUTELY like a final boss here he is TROUBLED#hes got ISSUES i cant even put it all in the tags here we'd be here all day#but listen. listen its the way he'd switch between being the lil kid everyone left behind feeling pathetic and sad for himself-#-and his grey self from way back when who still holds resentment for no one ever believing him#and then himself NOW who just feels so...lost now that he has 'everything' he wanted.#what does he do now?#maybe later....another day another day >3>#just love the idea of the bros havin some sorta fight about it around the mirror-gem-things (im thinkin that cave from pkmn X)#(yknow the one that had the reflecting walls???? thats the vibe here mystic and a lil spooky)#anyways t hey get back to the village around dark and people are NOT happy with them >3>#apparently the brothers have been causing trouble or being nuisances all day#and thats when they eventually stumble across the Shadows just dickin around as their 'truest selves' :)#sorry im done now but yall are gonna be plagued if im plagued
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🐰🧡🐻
#in stark contrast to most of my personal posts this is about me being happy and gay#because i need to just get it out my system bc otherwise i am just going to grab a friend by the shoulders and scream (in joy) in their face#i am dating someone and its really really nice and sweet and cute and like nothing ive ever experienced before#and instead its like every tiny little dream about this kind of thing ive managed to hold onto despite every experience otherwise and ahhhh#the lack of focus on just sex or sex appeal is so nice its like there but as a side thing so its nice and i dont feel like an object#i feel like a human person with thoughts and feelings and interests outside if that and feel safe in that and feel safe that everything wont#just be discarded if i dont want to do that like i feel like boundaries and stuff are an option! without jeopardising everything#and el likes me as much as i like them and wants and sees and communicates that they want something long term and ahhhhhhhh#i just want to cry like holy shit this is everything ive ever wondered about like i have spent so long wondering what this feeling would#actually feel like and its so good and so indescribable and ahhhhhhh#waking up on monday night and seeing them in my bed and cuddling me was just so nice i felt wanted i felt... loved#this all seems so out of left field still i still feel like i just never saw it coming but its so welxome and nice and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#my pessimism is still there but its less loud now its more learning to accept this may not be perfect forever but letting me enjoy the now#crouch speaks#it feels so nice to not be scared and to feel secure and ahhh#also it made me laugh El remembered me hitting on then at the Dgoals release show making them blush lol#i only remember the time i hit on them later at the groles show so its funny i pretty much used the same line twice and it still worked#i cant wait to see them again i cant wait to hold hands in public again i cant wait to be idiots who keep blushing too hard and accidentally#kissing eachother on the nose instead of the mouth because we are stupid and gay and pathetic about it hahaha#just ahhhh i could gush forever how perfect the 2!!! dates weve been on were and the fact they want more and more and ahhhhh#this is so lame i know i just haven't experienced anything remotely like this before and its just... wild#like wow holy shit what on earth i have been so increasingly miserablely depressed and insecure from the shea stuff last year and then this#just absolutely removed all of that i actually feel like a human person again with value
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Me vs outlining a perfect plan for my day in my head which I can be the only one allowed to change the schedule vs my mom asking me to do 2 simple tasks
#she was like hey can you take the trash out I was like ughhhh okay yeah give me a min (I was still ordering weed)#my mom less than a minute later : hey if you want to break down all the cardboard out there I’d appreciate it Me: actually I’d rather not I#was about to shower right after I put this weed order in#then she gets all pissed at me bc I never do what she asks and blah blah blah blah blah#like. girl. I know she can’t see in my brain but I was not awake last night watching cleaning videos and psyching myself up for a day full#of cleaning my room and showering and doing laundry and cleaning funks cage and doobs cage and making my bed and dusting my ceiling fan and#taking apart my box fan to clean it and cleaning the water pitcher in the fridge and deep cleaning#like GAH I HAVE SO MANY PLANS TODAY WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DO NOTHING AND JUST SIT ON MY ASS SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP#ripping my hair out and screaming banging my fists on the floor#I literally was like yeah I’ll take the trash out no I will not break down boxes right now and she went off on a whole fucking thing like#just shut up.#I hate it. why do I make plans in my head of the exact order I have to do things and if one person suggest doing anything differently or#pushing my schedule back further than I wanted to myself I get so annoyed I explode into a ball of flames#I wanted to shower dry off pick up weed let out funk refill the humidifier clean the bathroom mirrors throw sort and clean the bathroom#shelves sweep start a load of laundry clean off my desk which means cleaning and organizing my closet or my desk dresser thing to fit the#crap on my desk and I have to clean and reorganize the space next to my desk so I can fit my boombox there bc the humidifier took its place#next to funk and like I want to just cry why does everything have to be so fucking difficult for me why is everything simple for everyone#else and for me every simple task is composed of one million baby tasks that I have to do in the correct order forever or everyone around m#will think I’m stupid and dumb forever like WHAT THE HELL WHY IS IT SO EASY FOR EVERYONE ELSE IN MY LIFE WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU JUST DO THING#IN WHATEVER ORDER AND IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT DO YOU MEAN A 20 MINUTE SETBACK DOESNT COMPLETELY RUIN YOUR DAY#AHHHHHHHHHH I WANT TO RIP MY HAIR OUT#BUT INSTEAD. I WILL GO TAKE THE TRASH OUT. AND NOT BREAK DOWN THE CARDBOARD BC THAT MEANS GETTING MY KNIFE AND MY HEADPHONES AND PUTTING MO#CLOTHES ON WHICH IS COUNTERINTUITIVE#TO THE WHOLE ABOUT TO TAKE A SHOWER THING#UGHHHHHHH#I am the worst human on the planet and I deserve infinite suffering#fuck this whole thing I’m pissed I’m gonna listen to music and rage clean after I pick up weed and shower
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i have a weird relationship w the way i look bc on the one hand luckily i don't have very bad dysphoria, i don't get it abt a lot of stuff and it's not smth that's constant either i'm very lucky that way. but also. i know that w my body and my face and my voice i am never going to look a way that makes other people perceive me as what i am and that feels. really bad. but also i don't deserve to feel bad abt that bc i have features that are conventionally attractive. but also i hate them
#its not even that i want to change myself for the most part. its that i wish i could change how other people read those parts of me#the only thing i wish i could change is my chest and having periods and thats partially bc its inconvenient#almost everything else is habitual. clothes/hair/the way i walk and move/etc#but just. the second people hear me talk they read me as a woman and it makes me want to fucking scream#and i have a v round 'feminine' face so like. its that x2. i get read as a teenage girl all the fucking time#and i like those things abt myself!! i like my voice and the way i look#i wish people just. wouldnt assume at all. i wish i could fucking confuse them actually i wish they couldnt tell anything#as a kid i read a lot of 'girl dresses as a boy to do xyz' and i always loved those stories#not bc i /wanted to be/ a boy (trust me ive fuckin questioned that lmao) but bc like. the freedom to pick and move around between#being able to get people to recognize you as what you want to be. being both and neither and smth else entirely#hell i still get a lot of euphoria from confusing people honestly. i cant meaningfully be misgendered bc youre either right or funny#idk! idk. its a very first world problem i know but im never going to be seen as the me that exists inside my head#and i think im allowed to be a little sad abt it#levi.txt
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my ed makes me so selfish but i literally dp not care anymore
#catch me eating salad instead of cake in family photos on facebook#when its my bday i won’t let anyone get a cake#i will literally cry and scream if i havw to#i know its rly selfish and that everyones js tryna do nice stuff for me#but i dont care i dont want it#i feel bad for my dad tho he still tries to make me eat#his sister has an ed and he doesnt realize#she never ate stuff until she got sick when ahe was young#i didnt eat cake on my dads bday#ik it seems like im making a big deal over cake but like thats the ONLY thing my family does#but idc#i’ll have watermelon or smth#also i need to recruit my aunt im gonna straight up ask whether ot not she has an ed#like girl i see ur myfitnesspal and my net diary apps#i heard her talking to my mom abt dieting too#its kinda sad lowkey#SHES ALWAYS COMMENTING ON MY WEIGHTLOSS TOO#she asked my mom how much i lost and i had to interven QUICKKK#im gonna ask her if i ever get alone w her#i know she likes me she laughs at everything i say and hugs me a lot#OMFGGGGG SHE I RMB SHE ASKED ME FOR TIPS#AND SAW MY LOOK AT A CALORIE LABEL OF PEPSI AND PUT IT DOWN#AND THEN. AND THEN SHE SMILED AT ME AND NODDED#not in an approving way or like a good job way#she gets me frrr#we bond over converse too aaaa#imma ask her
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THEVAS??? YOU JUST READ PART 1 OF CSM??
Oh oh oh, tell your thoughts please <3
Oh god. Oh god man. The way I was NOT expecting to be hit with the found family trope so hard and I got absolutely SMACKED anyways... WHEW. MAD that the hype is pretty well deserved. MAD that I was pussy and didn't pick it up when it first came out because I thought it was going to be cruel and nothing else. MAD that Makima was 100% the Worst from the get go but she still managed to BETRAY me bro....
They all said they weren't going to fall in love with each other and I believed them. Like a FOOL bro. It's like. Such a simple story, like all of the twists and underdog trump cards were SO simple but they hit EVERY TIME.
#god and dont get me started on the symbolic high brow nonsense in the charcter and devil designs and the fact of devils in the first place#im too dumb to fully work it out yet but ho boy theres some good shit there for the thesis writers#the art was ultraviolent in its detail but also so beautiful#MAD when an artist is fucking good >:(#and makima!! you were supposed to hate her that was the point we FELL for it even though she was apparently doing everything because#she wanted the same thing everyone else did and that was ALSO the point and we got got so BAD bro#the need for meaningful connection with others even if you have to be dragged kicking and screaming#even if its found in a burning garbage can of a life and you know its going to hurt so so bad when you reach your hand in there#but you do anyways because thats what it means to be alive#FUCK dude#and also the comment on authoritarian governments and hierarchical organziations that run our societies. lol. lmao.#THEY SLEPT TOGETHER. THEY HELD EACH OTHER. LIKE DENJI HELD POCHITA WHEN HE WAS A BABY#THE LOVE WAS REAL. AGAINST ALL ODDS AND GOOD JUDGEMENT IT WAS REAL.#denji growing past being kind of a sex pest adolescent boy#into not having to view women as sex objects to have meaningful relationships with them. power. POWER. god.#AND LOVING SOMEONE SO MUCH YOU HAVE TO FUCKING. EAT THEM.#fujimoto really said hey incels reading this. boobies? now that i have your attention. experience a relationship beautiful and true.#and hes so based for that#anyways im still thinking about 'I got cold feet.' girl BYE
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@raiden-metal-gear-rising sorry this is a gaypos for u but it mite be more of just a rant because i am fuming (not rly i am just frustrated bc . u know why <3)
#im sur u read my previous posts abt uhhh my mom goign to visit my brother bc shes on vacation rn right . shes off til next sunday i think#but uh. yeah thats not happening bc guess what!! she cant afford it!!! because wow who wuldve thought that having to pay twice as much#money for bills + groceries would make u poorer than u already are!!!!! we are struggling!!!!!!!#and what has robynne done? nothing but PARTIALLY pay for grocieries. emphasis on *partially*#idk man its just insane. even if mom wasnt rly thinking about coming to see u we still cant bc we cannot afford it at all.......#i even said if i need to get a job i will and then added 'bceause im more willing to get one than she is' n she just looked at me#and idk man its just frustrraing . pls moeve out of ur place soon so i can leave and move in with u KAJSKLBKKLJG#i dont mean to say that to like rush u or anything u can do whatever u awant at Whatever pace u want i donot minde . it is oke#i just !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! h#i have a very strong feeling im gonna be moving out before she does............................#just saying#sorey i kno this is supposed 2 be positive bc is gaypos but . i am not in a good mood i want 2 scream and throw things i think#i just want my house back!!!! im tired!!!!!! im so fucking tired man!!!!!! i m going insane!!!!!!!!#and now i just feel horrible bc rob knows i talk shit about her in vc and i just feel like i cannot talk out loud at all rn bc what if shes#fuckin eavesdropping!!! thats another thing did she just overhear me or like completely listen in on our conversation#bc if she listened in on us then thats fucked and i hope she fucks off#but if she just overheard us then idk man guess ill just have to close my door and keep it closed all the time which is something i donot#want to do !!#i dont like having my door closewd bc 1. it gets humid and 2. kitty does not like it and also 3. i just like having it open#but i feel like i cant have it open anymore bceause what if shes listening to just everything i say now!!!!!! i feel unsafe!!!!!!#get me out of here bestie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#sory im just . H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im going insane ill rb this with happier thoughts in a second i just#oh i am so mad . so mad
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i don’t think i can ever forgive anyone who didn’t wear a mask or vaccinate or take covid seriously after all of this shit not going to lie. after just now realizing i’ve lost two years to it. Two years of being a person, or going out and doing things I should’ve been doing as a kid free of responsibilities with other kids, and doing what little you even CAN do in a world where you can’t do jack shit without money. I already sat in front of a computer screen for way too long every day. Feel like I should still be in my second semester of high school after all of this. Don’t feel like I should’ve aged at all. I’m not good with memories in the first place (which is why i’m always taking pictures), and covid only made it worse. past two years have been a haze.
I don’t remember almost anything that happened, even when i think really hard about something i KNOW is there but can’t recall. I’m lucky if I remember it when someone else jogs my memory for me, even. I don’t remember good times spent with friends, or going for walks outside, or even a fuckton of school at all. I don’t feel like there are even years there, but there are and I can’t get them back. Time was already hard for me to grasp, but now I don’t know when I’ve done anything, and it fuckin hurts. it hurts. I feel
And now we’re getting Harmful Affliction 2: Monkeypox Edition, and nobody’s fucking taking it seriously! There’s no shortage of kids and teens like me who’ve lost a significant chunk of their lives, by the time they’re around old enough to go to school, to a pandemic, and are just now needing to walk into the world and know what the fuck they’re doing.
how is that okay? how is ANY of it okay?? How did nobody think for one fucking second about how much this would fuck us up? How did we not think this would last for years seeing the atrocious lack of action from ANYONE? How are we supposed to brush all of this off? there are kids in their developmental years who don’t know how to communicate because we haven’t been anywhere near each other for 2 years! except for, y’know, the pieces of shit who just COULDN’T FATHOM that and were the reason anyone with half a mind or any care for others at ALL were kept at home for years! I’m a now-adult with social anxiety that came LONG before covid, and probably has origins in a cult i was raised in for no shortage of time as a kid, but it’s been too long for me to know for sure. But this shit PREDATED covid for me. I can’t imagine there’s a lack of people who’ve lost literal YEARS of their lives to this and who don’t know how to pick up the pieces anymore or how they’re supposed to get better.
I don’t think I can ever describe to someone the kind of lonely and horrible it was to simply sit in the doorway to my room with a plate of food left outside my door or handed to me by family wearing masks just like I did any time I left it, listening to the rest of my family sing happy birthday to my sister at the dinner table downstairs, seeing the light from the dining room and a little bit of my mother from the doorway and nothing more, trying to sing along through a mask so I didn’t get anything in the air. I don’t think I can describe the kind of miserable it was to sit there with a birthday dinner that I couldn’t even taste, that had to be delivered because nobody was allowed to leave the house. I fucking RUINED my sister’s birthday, and it’s not like I went to a party or anything, or went out. It’s not even like it’s my fault. I went to school, I went home. I didn’t have much of a social life anyway. Transit or the school itself gave me covid. Even sanitizing and washing my hands after touching everything I could, and wearing a mask I never pulled down, not in class or ever, and doing the best i could? I still caught it. Even doing the best you can ask a human to do, I caught it. I can’t put into words how agonizing it was to be confined to one room for WEEKS, unable to leave for anything except to use the washroom across the hall. If you don’t think it’s that big of a deal? Try it yourself and see how long you can do it.
Back when they actually cared and still did close contact lists and all that, the person on the phone didn’t believe me when I told them I don’t go out. That I didn’t party or go out to see friends or go ANYWHERE outside of school. According to my mom, the person on the phone was in enough disbelief to ask HER after I said the exact same thing.
We’ve been living in a hell of ignorance’s creation for years now, and might be for years in the future, Or maybe we’re just not living at all. I feel like both apply.
I wish I could have those two years back, but i can’t have that. And it’s not even my fault that my friends and I can’t have them.
#allex rambles#vent#personal#please dont rb this lol#im just#god#was talking to my friend luna last night and remembering that i used to feel alive in spite of how horrible my depression was#and how school was. and how it all made it worse#what was usually on my mind was not knowing what the fuck im living for#and STILL i felt more alive then than i have in the past 2 years#It makes me want to cry and scream and throw shit#how was i supposed to feel like a kid when i was locked up for the past 2 years?#how am i supposed to feel like an adult now when I didn't get the opportunities i should've had or was too scared to kill myself or#my family with a virus that was fully capable of it to take advantage of those opportunities?#i already have shitty memory. that on its own terrifies me#i take photos of everything i do to try and keep a date and an image of the stuff i go out of my way to have fun doing.#because if i don't i'm terrified i'll forget.#knowing im forgetting mundane things and its like i might not have done them at all?#that it might be getting worse?#that's so fucking scary.#im only realizing now just how fucked up everything's been. i think i pushed it all back to cope at the time#and im only letting myself grieve and feel horrible now that i'm out of school and can afford to while im looking for a job#fuckssake.
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i got rickrolled today but it didn't work because i have adblocker installed, so youtube just told me i violated the terms of service. yesterday i was trying to edit a picture as a joke for my girlfriend, and google made me check a box to prove i'm human because i wasn't "searching normally".
it isn't just that capitalism is killing fun and whimsy, it is that any element of entertainment or joy is being fed upon by this mosquito body, one that will suck you dry at any vulnerability.
do you want to meet new friends in your city? download this app, visit our website, sign up for our email list. pay for this class on making a terrarium, on candlemaking, on cooking. it will be 90 dollars a session. you can go to group fitness, but only under our specific gym membership. solve the puzzle, sign up for our puzzle-of-the-month-club. what is a club if not just a paid opportunity - you are all paying for the same thing, which makes you a community.
but you're like me, i know it - you're careful, you try the library meetings and the stuff at the local school and all of that. the problem is that you kind of want really specific opportunities that used to exist. you are so grateful for libraries and the publicly-funded things: they are, however, an exception - and everything they have, they've fought tooth-and-nail to protect. you read a headline about how in many other states, libraries have virtually nothing left.
do you want to meet up with your friends afterwards? gift your friends the discord app. you can choose to go to a cafe (buy a coffee, at least), a bar (money, alcohol) or you can all stay in and catch a movie (streaming) or you can all stay in bed (rent. don't get me started) and scream (noise complaint. ticket at least).
you want to read a new book, but the book has to have 124 buzzwords from tiktok readers that are, like, weirdly horny. you can purchase this audiobook on audible! your podcast isn't on spotify, it's on its own server, pay for a different site. fuck, at least you're supporting artists you like. the art museum just raised their ticket price. once, they had a temporary exhibit that acknowledged that ~85% of their permanent art galleries were from cis white men, and that they had thousands of works by women (even famous women, like frida! georgia o'keefe!) just rotting in their basement. that exhibit lasted for 3 months and then they put everything away again.
walmart proudly supports this strip of land by the street! here are some flowers with wilting leaves. its employees have to pay out-of-pocket for their uniforms. my friend once got fined by the city because she organized a community pick-up of the riverfront, which was technically private property.
no, you cannot afford to take that dance class, neither can i. by the way - i'm a teacher. i'm absolutely not saying "educators shouldn't be paid fairly." i'm saying that when i taught classes, renting a studio went from 20 bucks an hour to 180 in the span of 6 months. no significant changes to the studio were made, except they now list the place as updated and friendly. the heat still doesn't work in the building. i have literally never seen the landlord who ignores my emails. recently they've been renting it out at night as an "unusual nightclub; a once-in-a-lifetime close-knit party." they spent some of those 180 dollars on LEDs and called it renovating. the high heels they invite in have been ruining the marley.
do you want to experience the old internet? do you want to play flash games or get back the temporary joy of club penguin? you can, you just need to pay for it. i have a weird, neurodivergent obsession with occasionally checking in to watch the downfall and NFT-ification of neopets. if i'm honest with you all - i never got into webkins, my family didn't have the money to buy me a pointless elephant. people forget that "being poor" can mean literally "if i buy you that toy, i can't afford rent."
you and i don't have time to make good food, and we don't have the budget for it. we are not gonna be able to host dinner parties, we're not made of money, kid. do you want some kind of 3rd space? a space that isn't home or work or school? you could try being online, but - what places actually exist for you? tiktok counts as social media because you see other people on it, not because they actually talk to you.
there was a local winter tradition of sledding down the hill at my school. kids would use pizza boxes and jackets and whatever worked, howling and laughing. back in september, they made a big announcement that this time, rules were changing, and everyone must pay 10 dollars to participate. when im not scared shitless, i kind of appreciate the environmental irony - it hasn't gone below 40. so much for snow & joyriding.
i saw a bulletin for a local dogwalking group and, nervous about making a good first impression, showed up early. the first guy there grimaced at me. "sorry," he said. "there's a 30-dollar buy-in fee." i thought he was joking. wait. for what? the group doesn't offer anything except friendship and people with whom to walk around the city.
he didn't know the answer. just shrugged at me. "you know," he said. "these days, everything costs money."
#spilled ink#warm up#“why did u tag it warm up” bc i wrote it off the cuff while drinkin coffee lol#btw the 30 dollar buy in for the dog walking is bc they pay the organizer a small pittance so she can#run fb ads and stuff and like she does put in a lot of work i don't mind paying her#but that's exactly what im fucking talking about like.#ppl can't afford to volunteer their time anymore and we all understand it!!! everything costs money for everyone!#like we didn't have to use to say ''do you mind paying me back for the stuff we ate''#we used to be able to afford to feed our friends once in a while!!!
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