#i didnt eat cake on my dads bday | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

wxsuthorn · 4 years

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my experience of being insecure of my body boggles my mind lmao. tw body image.

When I lived abroad I was overweight and was constantly made fun of for being fat. I went to an international school, but there were mostly white and asian kids in my school. I was mixed and didn’t look completely white nor completely asian, so i felt a bit alienated and hated the way I looked.

Fast forward to me moving to good ol’ murica. I went to a public school and i was just figuring out my sexuality and gender identity, so lmao i felt even more alienated. Plus everyone dude in my class would randomly shout “aRe YoU aSsUmInG mY GeNdEr?!?!” and istg every day i felt homicidal rage—

lmao anyways my body image started getting worse from gender dysphoria. i just didn’t like my body cuz it didn’t match what i identified with, plus i still thought i wasn’t skinny enough. During the year i moved, my mom was always saying “dont eat this, your not eating enough, your eating to much” and blah blah blah whatever. And i was like well shit :D and on my birthday she threw away my cake and im still salty about it today >:( i had to watch my 3 friends eat my bday cake without getting any cake for myself lmaooooo. I haven’t had a birthday party since then.

A year after i moved to the states i lost weight and got wayyyy taller, so i felt happier that i was skinnier. on my finsta i would say shit like “I lost ten lbs!!” and some dude in my health class who followed me dmed me asking “r u anorexic” and i was like:

👁👄👁

lmao anyways fast forward to during quarantine: i hated my body so fucking much and i ate an estimated 500 calories a day for 2 months and lost even more weight. I was malnourished and my anxiety was getting more serious so a bunch of physical symptoms occured and i was like wtf why do i feel like i ran an marathon while choking on a fucking shoe. so i went to the doctor and got blood tested and shit and i didnt have any disease or anything like that. it was all due to mental issues and shit.

Here comes the funny part:

i kept on getting skinnier due to the semi-eating disorder-anxiety-thing but i still thought i wasn’t skinny enough. and like i was insecure cuz i didn’t have a flat stomach and that my torso was wide... but i hadn’t seen an actual human being for so long so i couldn’t really grasp what the “average human body” was supposed to look like. my dad was over weight, my mom lost 20 lbs due to diabetes and got way skinnier, my brother was 80% muscles, and im just some enby who can’t eat enough to maintain their weight. So when i come back to school after quarantine, i realised i was actually way skinner than i thought...

my friend who i thought was wayyyy skinnier than me weighed more than me and was around my same height.

i have a thigh gap and almost zero thigh cleavage compared to the people in my grade

my friend who is shorter than me is 30 lbs heavier than me and i still thought their body was “better” than mine (not implying that skinny bodies are better, i just thought that i personally had to be skinnier to be considered less ugly)

nobody could relate to me when i said shit like “ugh i hate how my scapula always scrapes against my backpack whenever i move my arm” or “i always massage my back thinking i have tight muscles but im just massaged my ribcage lmao and i still have back pain” or “i can’t sit on a non-cusiony surface other wise id feel like my bones are digging into the chair/surface lmaooo”

and these things made me realise holy shit im like... too skinny now? so i went from being insecure of my body cuz i wasn’t skinny enough to being insecure of my body cuz im too skinny lmaooooo.

#pond rants #tw body image #tw//body image

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oswednesday · 4 years

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like so i get up and get the grocery list together which i should have finished yesterday but had only just gotten to it, and my mom is asking me like Finer details about what i want to do on my bday with no real offer of doing anything this weekend > > and then she was like what do you want at the bakery and i was like oh well they do stuff randomly from their menu so ill just grab what catches my eye that day and she was like im sure you can see on the site and tell me so i can pick it up and i was like ??i want to go and see it ive never been to it before??????? and she was like oh well we can do that tuesday after your class then and i was like ????? thats a bit early?? (like i wouldnt mind it if we pop’d a cake this weekend and had that last the week but all im getting is like, cafe pastries??) and she was like its right by my work and i was like yeah like, barely ten mins away??? and then she made a fuss about how busy her day was and i was like sorry my birthday is an inconvenience to you?? like, she literally is taking a week off to go down to florida at the end of the month even tho her bday is next month? so like excuse me for not feeling sympathetic that you didnt take a long weekend for your two kids birthdays you wacko and she was all Oh Thats Nice but then didnt offer any example or like rebuttle like im going x and y for you how ungrateful, what she DID do was say “what about my birthday what are we going to be doing for that huh?”like,,,youre a grown ass woman with a retired dad and coworkers like, you figure that out???? i had to plan all my own stuff and its not even that exciting! i could literally not be doing less if i did any less it would be not acknowledged it at all like the fuck, like i know thats what she wants its so sick, but then i was like, “my birthday comes first?” and she stormed out of the house like, sdf an aside i asked her if she knew what my brother wanted food wise and she was like Nope! like,,,wtf? and she kept going on about the things she wanted to eat this week in a very like im talking over you sort of way, she was like [authortitative voice] when i get back im making bacon and an egg (disgusted tone) i dont know what youre going to do, like,,,,we could,,,,go get breakfast,,,? and then she was going on about how she was going to make french onion soup which was fine but any time i was like okay breads for our meals and stuff she’d be like um im trying to get rid of bread by having this soup like, great, sdfghgfd you dont live alone!

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lilytcyip · 4 years

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December 31st, 2019

1.3 tera v w/ rjin & ggao

1.4 cactus & la foret w/ jng

1.8 talked it out with jng ; tried to understand that if i were happy, what more could you ask for

1.11 cyns bday dinner

1.11 craft beer w/ aleung & lwong

1.13 arisu & standing egg with efeng & aleung ; drove on highway for the first time

1.18 west dineout w/ annie pkp

1.19 glass w/ fifi

2.10 first snow of the year

2.3 cny lunch at home with the fam - tong yuen & poon choi

2.4 mooseknuckles - grateful

2.5 lunar new year

2.16 hangiout with mamayip & sis: beta 5, fixing the parka, meetfresh, miku sushi dindin

2.17 mom leaving for 2 months, wandering earth with the yips

2.19 happy hour cactus w/ fifi

2.20 kokoro lunch & shopping w/ rjin

2.20 so hyang w/ veda & nwu

2.21 black been noodles & tonkatsu lunch & usagi matcha sweets w/ ewong

2.22 green leaf sushi & grounds for coffee w/ vtan

2.25 sushi mura w/ acao ; larry berg planes and kisses for the first time

3.13 mental health talk w/ nwu & tchiu + jamjar

3.15 virtuous pie & nanas green tea w/ rjin

3.16 wine night w/ claw, aleung & fsyal

3.17 tabom & stanely park w/ jerpilla

3.23 pool & rc shopping with jyang

4.3 studying with jyang on campus & langara bye

4.9 studying with jyang at my house

4.18 ramen danbo & official date

4.20 so hyang & off the grid waffles w/ ayip

4.26 sci ning off w/ aleung, claw, fsyal, lwong & mcheung

4.27 clay llama terra pot class

4.29 so hyang budae jjigae & yifang w/ ewong

4.30 rc shopping & sushi lover with the yips

5.1 maenam, kits beach & rain or shiine ice cream w/ rjin

5.2 our first little tiff & being called chubby by mlo

5.3 shopping w/ vchan, aleung & fsyal

5.7-5.11 LA trip

5.8 LACMA & melrose & century city field

5.9 warner bros tour

5.10 malibu

5.28-6.1 hokkaido, japan

5.29 a 2-floor hotel with own onsen

5.31 otaru food adventures

6.1 doraemon painting & royce airport

6.2 macau: got scammed by taxi & lost luggage

6.7-6.15 inner mongolia & beijing

6.18 first co op offer

6.21 fire port party at fifis house

6.29 pottery painting w lwong, aleung, vchan, fsyal

7.5 brunch w/ rjin at jethro’s fine grub, baker & table

7.6 nwu’s birthday dindin at coast, hangout with aleung & nwu at nightingale

7.14 leavenworth cherries

7.17 brunch w/ rjin at OEB

7.19 nightmarket w/ jyang, mlaw, rjin

7.21 beach day w/ aleung, fsyal & lwong; hy’s with fam

7.24 chau veggies w/ acao

7.27 shiok & icy bar w/ ewong

8.3 first day of work at doctors office

8.4 escape room w/ vchan, fsyal & jyang; bowling & anh and chi

8.17 dindin w/ fsyal, aleung & tlim; double date walks at olympic village with ancas

8.18 - 8.19 kelowna

8.18 polar grove & penticton lazy river, mission hill

8.19 kayaking, quail’s gate

8.24 lit night at fifis house with the girls and boys

8.25 aleung’s bday harrison trip

8.27 work shopping & nuba w/ fsyal

8.28 sleepover w/ rjin

8.29 brunch w/ aleung, moii cafe chill with fsyal too

9.3 first day of co op work

9.7 grave of the fireflies & wildtale cuddles

9.14 eric chou meet & greet

9.19 amandarachlee neg comment and posted my encouragement on her story

10.5 maiko parfait & shopping w/ jyang, earls with the amigos

10.18 gmen & oncecake: melody, rillakuma, card & collage

10.24 dark table w/ rjin

11.7 moii after work

12.15 baking custard souffle pancakes w/ ewong

12.18 office christmas party & bbt w/ slim

12.19 glow

12.21 fifi’s christmas party

12.22 christmas market w/ rjin: churros & chimney cake

12.23 psyc team secret santa & mahjong

12.25 christmas dindin at market by jean-georges

12.26 birthday dindin at zeferelli

12.27 ring & birthday dinner at brix and mortar w/ jyang

12.28 skated alone, worked out, baked & dindin at botanist

looking back at it now, i definitely went out a lot more compared to previous years LOL i had some struggles in january, and at multiple points in my life i blamed myself for being ungrateful, for seeking more when i already had so much in life compared to other people. my friends were there for me and i wouldnt have been able to live through it without them. then again, during reading break in february, i got myself into the same hot mess and i was sad about it for a week and i blamed myself for getting so attached so quickly. because of these experiences, my expectations were v low and i didnt really expect anything when i talked to jyang, what they say really is true, you get it the moment you stop seeking for it. it comes and find you (: the 3 most important that happened this year is burbur, co op job & me getting more comfortable around doggs; this is a big deal !! i actually like cuddling dogs and i feel less scared of them as long as i have some time to get used to them!! im proud of myself for making progress with my phobia! after i started my co op job, bc i didnt have a lot to do, i felt like i wasnt actively contributing to my workplace and that i was very useless. i still feel the same way now, but i think i am slowly getting used to it. thankfully, my coworkers are VERY nice and i enjoy working around them. while i did not get a different position for january, im still grateful that i got an extended placement. nonetheless, meeting with the different PIs and sumeet pointed me in the right direction of looking for nserc / volunteering opportunities when i do go back to school. AND ofc burbur! im grateful that we were able to be there for each other for the past 8 months, both the ups and downs and i am so so thankful that we’re understanding and patient with each other, as we help each other learn along the way and help each other become a better version of ourselves. this companionship is better than i have asked for and i always remind myself to focus on the important things rather than the minor inconveniences. this year, in terms of fitness goals, ive been doing really well before asia. but ever since i came back, it all went downhill and i gained back all the weight that i lost this year year LOL so in 2020, one of my biggest goal is to eat healthy again, and workout more consistently. getting a job in sept kinda interfered with my progress too, bc i was so tired after work, even when i wasnt doing anything and i stressed eat bc i felt terrible. a lot of diff factors made me feel super stressed, and the fact that i wasnt eating clean / exercising reguarly made me feel worse about the whole situation ): so in 2020, maintaining a healthy lifestyle will be one of my top priorities and gifting myself a healthy body is one of greatest things i can do for myself. this also contributed to the lack of journalling near the end of the year, it felt like bc i wasnt doing the things i was “supposed to do”, i just felt so bad whenever i couldnt tick off that particular habit whenever i fill in my trackers. but tonight, i watched this video and it talked about habits should be for awareness, not for self-hate or self-loathing. this is something that i need to keep in mind. ever since april really, the issue of leaving my house and meeting up with my friends have always stressed me in fear of dealing with passive aggressiveness with my mom lool everytime i get inviited to plans, i just get anxiety about having to tell her about it LOL and even when im out, having a msg/ call for her freaks me out in fear that she will get mad at me for being home late and etc and fifi really woke me up with her words, i should just care less LOL i need to stop caring so much about what she thinks, bc at the end of the day, this IS my life and if i never make any changes, i will never be able to grow and be independent. i think this pree much sums up all my events and emotions in 2019, the last year of the 2010s. in the next decade, a lot of things will happen as i will be in my 20s - 30s, where new opportunities will arise, and graduate uni, do my masters, find a job, maybe even marry and move out LOL the 2020s will definitely be an impt decade, but just for next year i want to:

1. understand that i am old enough to make choices, and in general, care less about what she thinks

2. at the same time, i want to appreciate and be grateful for what my mom, dad and annie have done for me; a lot of the times, i feel like i take them for granted just bc i know they will always be there for me and this is not how you should treat your biggest supporters

3. trust that everything will workout in the end, while you may not be able to envision what you career / life would be like when youre 30, you can definitely take small steps and move towards your goal

4. be mindful of what i eat and exercise regularly (4x hiit & cardio a week) ; treats & sweets in moderation; use those habit trackers for awareness, not for self-loathing / self-hate

5. create art regularly, read more and at least do 5 duolingos every week!

every year, time just seems to go by faster and faster and i feel scared at times. as i type this, theres only 8 minutes left of this decade LOL so in 2020, continue to live in the moment, be present, cherish those that are around you, and have faith that everything will come together, one piece at a time. at the same time, always rmb that you can make small changes to be a better version of yourself, whenever & however you want and this is the 1 thing that other people can’t stop you from doing!

#diary #personal #thoughts #last post of 2019

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skiasurveys · 4 years

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#400-Birthday Survey

1 - Do you remember your 13th birthday? If so, did how did you celebrate it? I had a few friends over and i remember it being a blizzard lol

2 - Have you ever met anyone that shares exactly the same birthday as yourself? Yes, a boy in my school. But never since then. Walt disney and I share a bday!

3 - If you could go back in time to one of your birthdays, which one would it be? and what would you do? My 5th grade birthday only cus it was so fun..looking back lol 4 - Do you believe that age brings wisdom? I mean yes but no. Its more experience. 5 - What would be the perfect birthday gift for your next birthday? Rent paid for lol 6 - What do you notice most,physically and mentally, about getting older? Lol nothing really.

7 - Do you fear getting older? yes 8 - If you could drink/eat something to stop you growing older physically, would you take it? maybe but it would be weird if i looked 23 at age 76 9 - What is the best thing about growing older? Being able to do more things independently and understanding life. When is your Birthday? Tomorrow :) Dec 5 1996 How old are you? 23 tomorrow :) Do you have a party? every so often Who do you celebrate it? friends and family Do you like number candles or stick candles? both are cool What cake do you usually get? icecream Do you like cup cakes,ice cream cake,cake,or nothing? ice cream What do you want for your present? money What’s the best birthday you’ve ever had? My 18th wasnt bad. What did you want as a little kid for you birthday? video games Do you like it when people sing you Happy Birthay-the song? it’s awkward Have you ever got Birthday Punches? no... What would be the perfect Birthday? with a lot of friends and feeling happy 1] Where were you born?: alberta 2] What time were you born?: 7:06 am 3] What day of the week were you born?: Thursday 4] Was this also your due date?: I think it was dec 7 5] Do you know who your doctor was?: i know her name 6] Who was with your mom as she gave birth?: my dad and grandma 7] What season were you born in?: winter 8] Do you know what the weather was like?: Not sure. 9] What year were you born?: 1996 10] What is your birthday, anyway?: what does this mean Random Questions. 21] Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?: walt disney 22] Go to Wikipedia and type in your birthday. k 23] Do you still have birthday parties?: sometimes 24] What did you do for your birthday last year?: Nothing 25] How old will you be on your next birthday?: 24 26] What was your best birthday party?: theres so many.. 27] Worst?: my 16th. We had chinese food but my dad was dying of cancer so i didnt throw a party.

28] Ever had a sleepover party? How did it go? Yes. My first sleepover party was my 5th grade..11th birthday. It was so fun and i look back with good memories Did you ever have a birthday party at… [] The rollerskating rink? [x] A bowling alley? [] McDonald’s? [x] Your house? [] Fun Time America? [] Chuck E Cheese? [] Burger King? [x] A laser tag place? [x] A restaurant? [] A pizza place? [] Your backyard? [] A piercing parlor (like a piercing party)? [] A public pool? Have you ever had a party based on… [] A video game? [] Pokemon? [] Makeup / nails / hair? [] Halloween? [] Piercings? [x] A movie or television show? [] Sailor Moon?

#Birthday survey #its my birthday tomorrow <3 #i turn 23!!!#survey

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sunshineonacl0udyday · 6 years

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okay yall after a year i f i n a l l y brought myself to read always and forever lara jean (i know i know, lowkey//highkey i put it off for so long was bc i was a. busy w school and b. i didnt want to end the series))--and P E T E R K A V I N S K Y yall??? [[spoilers ahead]] P--P E T E R K A VIN SKY?!!??

-peter lol ur crazy lara jean i’ll never dye my hair blonde but then ends up spraying it anyway for senior week bc he KNOWS how much going all out for costumes rlly means for lara jean

-peter imma read all 7 books of harry potter so i can understand lara jean’s references

-peter imma learn how to braid your hair like kitty does so i can do it for you in college

-peter getting mildly ((& cutely)) frustrated at braiding lara jean’s hair bc “you have a lot of hair, lara jean.”

-peter let me a do my promposal for u on the empire state building via from ur fav movie

-peter having said promposal ruined by a security guard bc he’s sO dumb

-peter kissing a stuffed bear in front of everybody for lara jean even tho he said no bc he would’ve been embarrassed

-peter sneaking out and getting lost in new york city bc he was getting a chocolate chip cookie from levain’s bakery for lara jean

-peter “want to go watch the sunrise on the roof?”

-peter “it’s your body, not mine” when lara jean hypothetically asks him what he would want to do if she got pregnant

-peter softly singing sixteen going on seventeen for lara jean bc she loves his voice

-peter being patient w lara jean with her trying to find the perfect chocolate chip cookie recipe // peter being always there to eat lara jean’s baked goodies

-peter imma be early at the movie for our double date w margot and her bf // agreeing w margot bc he knows getting on margot’s good side is important to lara jean

-peter omg should i go do the heimlich in the middle of dr covey’s proposal

-peter let me record e v e r y t h i n g from dr covey’s proposal bc he knows they’ll want to see the candid moments

-peter omg wait let me plan ur dad’s bachelor party via dressing up with a fancy steak dinner a n d putting in the effort to email dr. covey’s friends

-peter let me get a corsage for kitty too on prom night

-peter going ham to style by taylor swift at prom

-PETER PLANNING AND THROWING A SURPRISE BDAY PARTY FOR LARA JEAN AFTER PROM AT THE DINER W ALL HER FRIENDS, CUTE BALLOONS, A CAKE HE BAKED (”Box, but still.”) AND RECREATING THE END SCENE OF SIXTEEN CANDLES FOR HER AT THEIR USUAL BOOTH

-peter im gonna sing a duet with ur grandma on karaoke and take a bunch of selfies with her

-peter “w’ell figure this out” l it ch e ra ll y 14674356754324565259802893 times in the book N E V E R giving up

-peter lmao girl u may not remember when u first saw me but i remember when i first saw u @ the first 6th grade assembly and i thot u were cute so dont go around saying we didn’t have a “meet-cute”

PETER. GRANT. F U C K I N G. KAVINSKY. YALL!!!!!!!!!

#PETER KAVINSKY #TATBILB #PS I STILL LOVE YOU #ALWAYS AND FOREVER LARA JEAN #JENNY HAN #OH MY GOD THIS IS LITCHERALLY SO LONG BUT I DONT GIVE A F U C K THIS BOOK HAS ME E MO

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lpfreakification · 6 years

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Finally. I can lay down in peace after another all dayer (12 PM to 12 AM). *turns to lay on stomach* idk why im unable to open Instagram. It keeps closing on me just as i tap to open the app. So today (11/17/18 Saturday) was my dad's bday. He is now 54. I doodled this thru-out the day.

My female coworkers thought it was the cutest drawing i ever done. I do agree with them too X3 i got the idea after the 1st or 2nd hour of work :3 the dorks didnt come in until about 8:30 PM. As soon as i served them their pizza (at around 9:12), i dined with them. Dining with them counted as my break. After we ate pizza + cake (well technically, pie), i gave the dad the card.

(oh god, i actually like this pic). *pondering about something bad that can happen one day* *shivers* i didn't want to think about that. After they left @ around 10:12 or so, i just went back to work for the rest of the night.

Now that im here, @ home, in thy room, on the floor, about to eat a sandwich i was saving thru-out the day, ill be on the phone, watching something from my tablet, + play some Pokemon :P well, not too much cuz its late.

#life #doodlenotebookpages

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resting-in-peace · 3 years

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Journal entry #4: D;

4th Jan

yo guyz its me again but unfortunately, the future me :( i was a bit busy and had to sleep early yesterday so i didnt have time to write it BUTTT here we are, to make up for it. so lets see what happened yesterday...

i woke up at like 6.50/7am or so really tired and decided to NOT SHOWER before going to school, kinda disgusting tbh but i just really didnt feel like showering and going through the hassle of drying my hair and whatnot.

anyways, school went as per normal too nothing crazy really. boring class as usual, i tried doing things but ultimately, didnt accomplish anything really XD went home and went on call and died and woke up at 3.

we chilled for a bit and then out of nowhere, gone wild moments occurred and we talked about shit on instagram. after that she went for dinner and i was chilling and my mom came into my room and asked for me to go out, it was dad’s bday lol. i was like oh okok and immediately went out.

the celebration was pretty good compared to what weve had so far previously cus the whole family was there for awhile before going their separate ways again. i was eating the cake, dad was chilling, brother was playing valorant anf the rest were busy ordering mcdonalds lol. honestly felt pretty nice :”)

then i went back and played genshin with chloe for a bit til we prepped for bed. and yeah i think that was how the day went. id say it was an above average day too :) not bad

and with that i shall say sayonara, until we meet again later lol cyaaaaa

p.s. kk was also feeling a bit depressed about/with his gf and i talked/helped? him too. i think that was pretty eventful enough to write about lol since not many people open to me about serious stuff anyways. kinda felt good knowing he trusts me enough to talk about these type of things with me :)

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fernsandsunflowers · 7 years

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Hi guys,

I never really make personal posts on here but I wanted to talk about my little buddy somewhere that was both public and private at the same time.

This is Zorro, I was almost 11 when we first met. My parents brought him as a bday surprise for my brother. I didn’t know they were going to get him a dog so I squealed when I saw my mother sneak him into the pantry to hide him away. The moment my brother set off to stay the night at a cousin’s I ran to the pantry and knelt on the floor. He was hiding behind a kitchen chair, peaking at me from behind one of the legs. I called to him and he tilted his head staring at me, a little unsure…I called again and his mouth broke into a giant smile and he bounded towards me, missed the landing and crashed right into my leg. We have been inseparable ever since. That night we gave him milk, the same amount we used to make for a giant German shepherd we dogsat a couple weeks ago, and he drank the ENTIRE bowl. His tummy got so big it dragged on the floor and he couldn’t walk straight. I begged my parents to let him sleep in my room. They reluctantly agreed, and I ended up spending the entire night mopping the floors because he peed EVERYWHERE. My parents brought him for my brother, but he was always mine. He followed me everywhere, even if I was just walking two feet away. He would wait outside the bathroom door for me. when I was in school, he’d come to the gate by 1pm and sit and wait for me to come back home. When I started work, he would wait at the gate by 4pm. When he got older, he’d wait by the doorway of my room or in the tv room his head facing the front door.

He was the number 1 fan of pets, he hated when I came home smelling like other dogs, he loved little kids and would let them torture him to no end - when my cousin was born my aunt stayed with us and that was the one time Zorro didn’t follow me around, he would stay by the door to their room and bark or come call someone the moment the baby started to stir. I also have this seriously hyper kid cousin who used to just throw stuff at him and poke him, and he wouldn’t bat an eye, he’d go and sit by him and let him do his thing - He loved to eat chicken, his favorite fruit was mangoes, and he used to eat anything we gave him as long as he knew we were eating it too. He loved to roll around in grass, and pee on mom’s new plants. When he was younger and did something naughty and mom would yell at him he’d get his revenge by going to her favourite plants, carefully biting off a flower and going and showing it to her. He didn’t give a rats ass about thunder, he’d sleep right through thunderstorms, but he HATED fireworks. We’d have to tie him up and give him some Piriton to help him sleep, but he was never one to be forced into anything. For a small dog he was strong, he’d manage to break out, fight the sleepiness and actually try to catch the firecrackers. You’d think this is impossible, but I come from Sri Lanka, even kids handle fireworks in my country, and a lot of the time we use fireworks that go off on the floor. One of my favourites was this one that would spin like a wheel on the ground, one time he got loose and chased one of them down the street trying to catch it in his mouth. Half the neighbourhood ran after him screaming to try and get him away. I was in hysterics for hours. But he was fine, except for a few burnt whiskers… His sense of smell was never really the same after that - we’d play hide and seek and he’d run right passed me sniffing at the floor. He loved walks, as most dogs do. Sri Lanka also has a lot of strays and my neighbourhood has its own little gang of like 15 dogs. They’d follow us on walks from a distance and I’d always be terrified they’d jump on him. But Zorro completely ignored them and I later figured out that he was actually sniffing out and peeing where the other dogs pee… he’s just that salty. He had long hair that curled at the end and my Cats loved to play with them. They’d slide along the floor and attack him as he walked and he’d stand there and let them have their fun. He never once snapped or growled at them. He hated when I’d start singing, he would tolerate it for about 10 minutes and then would start huffing pointedly. It didn’t stop me from writing him and singing him a lullaby, he didn’t seem to mind that one so much. I used to play the piano when I was younger and he’d make me stop by jumping onto the keys and walking all over them. He once saw a garden snake come up behind me and attacked it. Another time, a bird got fried on the overhead street wiring and my mom kept it on a rock while she went to find her gardening tools so she could dig a grave for it. When she came back the bird was gone and Zorro was covered in dirt. He had buried the bird himself. You’d think this is nothing, dogs often bury bones and things, but this is the first and only time Zorro has ever buried anything. We have a rambutan tree in our home whose branches fall onto our roof, the two of us would climb up to the roof every fruiting season and sit and eat rambutan. He liked the bitter ones the most which worked out great because I liked the sweet. He loved sweets too, cakes and candies and the rare tiny piece of chocolate. We’d have to take care to never keep anything within reach of him… things used to mysteriously disappear anyway. He learned pretty soon that when he was sick he was more likely to get sweets, we used to hide his pills in cakes and gummies, so he would pretend to be ill. He’d limp a little when people were a round and act like he can’t get up. Dad’s favourite story was the time he caught Zorro, who we thought had somehow injured his ankle (he even whined when the vet touched his ankle, she said nothing seemed broken or twisted, it must just be sore because he slept on it wrong so prescribed him something for the pain), walking normally and start limping, on the wrong foot, when he spotted my dad.

He was beautiful, his fur always shone and his hair was thick and long, he had little eyebrows and even eyelashes. I have never seen a cocker spaniel in Sri Lanka that looked as beautiful and as healthy as he did. You might say I’m biased but every vet we’ve ever been to and every person who’s ever seen him said the same. We had several little proposals for him but they never worked out. We had three girls brought home for him but he HATED them all. The poor things tried so hard to make friends with him but he lashed out at them. Eventually we stopped trying. My brother and I are pretty sure this was because he was gay. During mating season we’d sometimes find him staring longingly at the local dog gang (all male) through the bars of the gate. He loved Tuk Tuk rides because he was just too short to see out the car window. He walked the streets like he owned them and it showed, people would come out of their homes to fawn over him and he’d trot along, head held high. If he was in the way of oncoming traffic, no matter what the vehicle, it was clear that he would not move from it but the vehicle had to move for him. Every vehicle in the neighbourhood knew to make a nice, wide turn, away from his path because he wasn’t going to change his. About 4 months ago our garden wall was broken down for reconstruction and we had taken him out for his nightly pee and poop session. He was taking ages and mom and I were watching a show on tv. So we told him dad was on the way home and he’d let him in and went inside. He had decided to go looking for dad who worked about 150 metres away from our home. He’d one over the broken wall and made it to the main road. I was told that the Tuk Tuk drivers with the help of one of the traffic policeman had created a wall against oncoming traffic so he wouldnt get hit, and because he refused to let anyone touch him two men came running to our house to fetch us so we can bring him back home. Thank god he’s so famously known in town! He created a massive traffic jam and noone complained. Mind you he was deaf and blind at this point so we are pretty sure he simply followed dad’s scent because we have never taken him that way towards the main road before and dad’s the only one who takes that path and he was apparently very purposefully making his way to dad’s office building.

He grew to display behaviour so fundamentally similar to me that we were almost the same person. He hated potatoes, He loved chicken. He hated getting up in the morning and was most active in the night. He hated being helped, towards the end he found it difficult to get up, difficult to walk, but he always had to try by himself for several minutes before grudgingly allowing us to help him. He pretended to hate attention but loved being the centre of it. He hated having his picture taken and he liked baths only after he was in them. He was ticklish on his sides, he was grumpy in the mornings, he liked to go to places only for the ride, once we got to a place it was like ok home now. He was very mellow, he took everything in stride and never complained, he would be mad at you for approximately 2.5 seconds. He was friendly towards everyone but had his favourites… this showed. He was a little afraid of birds. He hated milk by itself and loved roasted dhal. He liked his bread buttered and only slightly toasted. He didn’t like being told what to do and would pathologically rebel, whether it was being asked not to sit during bathtime or being given sedatives at the vets before getting stitches (he was given enough sedatives to affect a much larger dog, but he refused to let it get to him and didnt even go to sleep that night).

I should have accepted that his time was done, I shouldn’t have tried to force down his medicine. I think I caused him a lot of pain towards the end. I should have just let him be in peace. I shouldnt have carried him to the doctors every day. He hated being carried. I’m so scared that he hated me those last few days. I told him over and over that I was sorry, I just wanted to help. But a dog doesn’t understand all that. He’s gone now and and I caused him all that stress for nothing. And it’s breaking my heart.

He was my home for 14 years and 3 months and 9 days. I don’t really know how to be or do without him here. How am I supposed to want to come back home knowing he won’t be there waiting for me. How am I to sleep without the sound of his snores punctuating the air. I don’t know how I’m supposed to go to the washroom without hearing him padding to the door and loudly sniffing underneath it to see if I was there. I keep expecting to hear him bark softly from outside the door to let me know he was outside and not inside. I keep tripping on myself thinking he was lying on the floor and I was about to step on him. I couldn’t go to sleep yesterday because he didn’t wake me up in the middle of the night to ask for a midnight snack or to let me know he needed to pee.

There was a brilliant sunset yesterday, the whole sky turned gold as we set him down in his little coffin and decorated his grave with flowers. There was a rainbow too. People sent me pictures, saying it was a sign. I don’t want a sign, I don’t want him up there. I want him home with me where he’s supposed to be.

#i'm so sorry my love

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wayward-marvel-sommer1196 · 7 years

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Tag Game

Rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people

Tagged by @kdfrqqg It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these lol. I wasn’t even in the SPN fandom the last time I did one.

1. Drink? Pepsi

2. Phone call? My dad

3. Text message? My sister

4. Song you listened to? Say You Won’t Let Go by: James Arthur (literally gives me goose bumps every time I listen to it.)

5. Time you cried? 4th of July (Don’t ask)

6. Dated someone twice? No, I’ve only ever had one REAL boyfriend and a bunch or near misses

7. Kissed someone and regretted it? Never kissed anyone

8. Been cheated on? Nope

9. Lost someone special? Yes

10. Been depressed? Yes, like all the time

11. Favorite colors? Purple, Blue, and recently Red

In the last year, have you… 15. Made new friends? Yes

16. Fallen out of love? Love-love no, semi-love yes

17. Laughed until you cried? I dont think I’ve ever laughed til i cried??? Laughed until my stomach hurt sure but not til i cried

18. Found out someone was talking about you? Unfortunately

19. Met someone who changed you? Yes, not in a good way

20. Found out who your friends are? 100% yes I love my girls so much

21. Kissed someone on your facebook list? No one that wasnt in like a family matter

General 22. How many of your facebook friends do you know in real life? a solid 97% only because some are family that ive never met.

23. Do you have any pets? No Dad hates pets, but do babies count? because they are equally as frustrating and I live with two under the age of 3.

24. Do you want to change your name? yes too many jokes and annoying nicknames

25. What did you do for your last birthday? Got my hair done, had some pudding cake, and went to Iguana Mia for a free lunch with my mom and her boyfriend and then binged Gilmore Girls b/c mom didnt feel well so we went home and did nothing after like 2.

26. What time did you wake up? 7:30 because of the babies I live with but didnt get out of bed till 8:15

27. What were you doing at midnight last night? On here actually

28. Name something you can’t wait for: Graduating College but that ties with Getting Married

29. When was the last time you saw your mom? a few weeks ago?? I know im horrible but her work schedule is all over the place and my life is so unpredictable but i do try and talk to her every other day.

31. What are you listening to right now? My family messing around

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? yes

33. Something that is getting on your nerves? my job not giving me shifts and my step nephew with his lack of respect for adults

34. Most visited website? Tumblr

35. Hair colour? Dark brown with a tint of burgundy because I havent gotten it dyed since december (my bday) and red washes out real fast but leaves subtle traces especially in the sun

36. Long or short hair? As of now on the shoter side, like shoulder length, but if you would have caught me a month ago it would have been hella long got 10 inches cut off

37. Do you have a crush on someone? As of now NO because my last crush stomped on my heart and crushed then ran it over with a semi so I have sworn off men unless celebrities count????

38. What do you like about yourself? Honestly, right now nothing thats one of my issues. BUT if I had to pick I guess my loyalty??

39. Piercings: just your standard, run of the mill ear piercing

40. Blood type: 0+

41. Nickname: Don’t have one because I refuse to share what my mom called me throughout my childhood. So i just go my full name Sommer

42. Relationship status: single and hating men

43. Zodiac: Sagittarius

44. Pronouns: She/Her

45. Favourite tv show: UGGGHHH too many. SPN, most superhero shows, most crime dramas, Greys Anatomy, and more. I used to be a tv addict and started watching a bunch of shows and although i dont watch them much anymore doesnt mean i dont still love them

46. Tattoos: Yes, on my right foot. Its part two to a quote that me and my sister got together. “....but thankful for the one ive got.” she got “A perfect sister i am not.....”

47. Right or left handed: Right

48. Surgery: If getting my wisdom teeth taking out (all four of them at once) counts then yes other than that no.

49. Piercing: Already answered

50. Sport: None, I suck at all sports and hate them all too. I was and am more of a book person than a ball person, but I do enjoy a leisure swim on occasion

51. Vacation: Would love to take one but im broke. My last was a high school trip right before i started my senior year where we traveled through five states making stops in each until we ended in indiana for the convention we needed to go to and then came back.

52. Pair of trainers: don’t know what this means

53. Eating: I wish I was lol My dinner sucked ass. Man, I wish I had a nice juicy steak right now with a baked potato and asparagus yum

54. Drinking: at the moment nothing but the last thing I drank was at like 2 pm and now its almost 10 (oooppps) and that was a mocha coffee from DD

55. I’m about to: take a shower then outline some god damned stories that are haunting me right now

56. Waiting for? something good to happen in my life for once

57. Want? To be prettier, but I am slowly losing weight which is helping that problem. OOOOHHH and my best friends to be with me right now

58. Get married? I would love to at some point. Not anytime soon, but I also have to find someone who can put up with my difficult moody ass for the rest of our lives sooo..... that could be awhile

59. Career? Now none after college hopefully a forensic scientist/CSI since that is what my degree is going to be in

60. Hugs or kisses? Bith

61. Lips or eyes? On an S/O eyes hands down on me i guess my eyes

62. Shorter or taller? On an S/O taller I guess I have a type lol a bit of a height kink. On me shorter im only 5′2

63. Older or younger? Older although if it was only like 2 years younger Ii would be cool with that just not any further

64. Nice arms or nice stomach? These questions are so superficial and I feel superficial for answering them but I guess in a S/O stomach on me I have neither soo...

65. Hook up or relationship? Relationship, im a sappy sappy romantic at heart a hook up is too impersonal and so crass I want the feelings

66. Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

67. Kissed a stranger: No

68. Drank hard liquor: Being that I am only 19 I’m legally obligated to say no, but my oldest sister is a horrible influence so I may have had a taste a few times

69. Lost glasses/contact lenses: No but I have lost a retainer, twice, in the garbage. Yeah my parents werent to happy with me

70. Turned someone down: Depends? for a date no. for anything havent we all. sex never been offered.

71. Sex on the first date: Virgin, so no and I’ve only had one real boyfriend that wasnt really a relationship anyway so yeah

72. Broken someone’s heart: I want to say no, but I guess I have not in a relationship way but you can break anyones heart for any nimber of reasons

73. Had your heart broken: Hell the fuck yeah but so many damn people

74. Been arrested: No, close once but the store guy let me go on a warning

75. Cried when someone died: Yes, doesnt everyone unless the deseased is like an axe murderer or something

76. Fallen for a friend: Ugh this question. I hate it so much. Yes, that boyfriend I mentioned that was the situation and that didnt end well. And then my sophomre year I was like in LOVE with this kid I had known back in elementary school and he was my best friend and he was out of my league and let me down gently. Then i fell for my frenemy my senior year, but he neber knew and it was just a phase for me I guess it didnt last long

Do you believe in… 77. yourself? Wish the answer was yes, maybe come again another day?

78. Miracles? sometimes

79. love at first sight? I would like to but Ii just can’t

80. Santa claus? I wish, but I am glad to pretend for my niece and nephew

81. Kiss on the first date? Sure if it went well

82. Angels? Nope. Sorry

Other 83. Current best friend’s name: Well, I got three. They are my girls, my squad. Weve all been best friends for going on 4 four years. Sam, Dana, Solange

84. Eye colour: Brown, boring I know

85. Favourite movie: Can’t choose just one so like the entire Marvel franchise? Can I do that? Too bad I just did

Im supposed to tag 20 more people but honestly my hands are cramping its after 10 and I really need a shower so if you want to take a crack at this I totally encourage you too.

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