#but it's not fucking working and nothings fucking working and im so so scared im going to relapse again
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whys it so hard
#toy txt post#yknow. just. everything. whys it hard to do things#like maybe im not going to enjoy the things but i know i need to do them. i want them to be done. i want to do the things and have them be#done. so whys it so fucking hard. my executives are dysfunctioning. i am incapable of starting shit. i am doing nothing and sitting here#sad and scared and angry#for what. why#i know the answer is like. brain dont work + capitalism bad and exacerbates brain dont work but like. why#whys it work like that. @god or whoever or whatever. whys it hard. things should be easier. fuck you#okay enough serious venting im silly now#whys it hard. fucka you. booyah bomb in your house. 3 times#crab tank twice on a small fry during lowtide fog. fucka you#you know what maybe squidciety would be fucked too but at least in squidciety i get booyah bomb#wait. i have 1 braincell and its connecting dots that dont make sense. dungeon meshi splatoon. lets send the squids into the dungeon.#they get revived. salmon dinner i guess#lets give marcille a crab tank
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what do you MEAN the audio plugin doesn't work
#Are You Kidding Me?#Look Me In The Eyes And Tell Me You're Joking.#I'm Going To Eviscerate Something.#every single audio separation tutorial: here's an easy free plugin! its so simple!#obs: *spits* fuck you#WHAT DO YOU MEAAAANNNNN#i tried the latest version. i tried the Last version#IT DOESNT WORK??? Hello????#i am doing! everything the tutorials say! i have been fucking with the same damn thing for two hours!#I Am Still Managing To Fail Spectacularly! What Am I Doing Wrong! Why Is It Broken!#the reviews are saying that it broke with the latest update which is Just My Luck to be honest#absolutely unprompted#bad news gamers! bring your own music to streams. my god. fuck#i thought. i would be able to provide this very shrimple thing. it has krilled me instead#there is no kelp for me. im beached. theres no porpoise in pursuing this further#wailing and wailing and wailing and wailing#ive tried so many different things to no avail#its just!!!! nothing works!!! im scared of breaking what's working!!!#im sorry i have failed you all. cast me into the sea
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#aye. in another life i would have loved to be an illustrator#i dont like to do digital tho and i dont wanna b a starving artist and i like science too much#but it would make me so hsppy if i was allowed to draw all day everyday#forever and ever drawing#but nooo i wanted to get a phd in microbial evolution. and im procrastinating working on my preproposal#literally doing anything to not work on it. i coulf have been a illustrator. an endocrinologist. a neurobiologist. a paleontologist. but i#chose microbial ecologist then thought no fuck ecology and went for photosynthetic mechanisms#bc i do love my lil cyanos and i do love Microbiology. i love those underapprecated lil guys#the world is so big and beautiful and all i wanna do is understand. but my stupid brain doesnt work right and ive burried my wonder for so#long i wonder if ill ever have it back. i was reading a bunch of lil notes i wrote this semester and i go from#everything is so beautiful i cant stand it. there are angels in the sunbeams and they feel like healing. to im the world around me is#warping beyond my control. i cant feel any joy. my head is sending me terrible ideas but im not even scared. it feels inevitable#but last week i was so full of energy i couldnt sleep. nothing changed but the chemicals in my head#hopefully next semester will b better and i can stop feeling like damaged goods and feel bad fro my advisor#for having to deal with me. hes v nice and has a bip0lar brother so he's sympathetic but i wish he didn't have to b#i want to stop fantasizing about being something else and just focus on being better at what i am#but im such a pathological perfectionist that its so difficult to make any progress. but whatever ive been feeling alright for the#past week or so. hopefully that carries through. and maybe somedsy i can illustrate something for my precious baby cyanobacteria#unrelated
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Being annoying is free and all of you should be so much more annoying. Call your representatives again even if you've already called five times today and spam your instagram stories and never shut up about it to your friends and families even if they don't give two shits
#i cant tell you how many people ive dragged along willingly or unwillingly to events this month just by being really fucking annoying abt it#listen i watched a child die a minute ago the last thing i care about is being perceived as obnoxious#nothing could matter less#be more fucking annoying#if your mp still hasn't answered and you've emailed every day email again#bring it up in class at work everywhere you can#so many of y'all are scared of coming off annoying or being judged and im begging you to realise that thats the least of your worries#palestine#gaza#israel#free palestine
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basically threw away £20 on my nails today so was already getting weird bc i apparently cannot be normal about money and then my paycheck came through just for my manager to have knocked off 11 hours worth of pay. so naturally i am crying in a dark room about it
#this is such a girl moment wdym you’re crying about your fucking nails. couldn’t explain it to you if i tried#im just an utter FREAK about money and then for my payslip to get fucked as well. whyyyyy would you do that#im not built for the working world truly idk how sensitive people do it bc i am NOT im tough as shit 99% of the time and i STILL can’t deal#just give me my fucking money it’s not fair 😭😭😭 i worked hard 😭😭😭#and the dumbest brattiest part of this is that the thing that tipped me over the edge is that my mum didn’t offer to pay for my nails#like how ridiculous and spoiled is that but still i was so so angry at myself about fucking them up and it’s £25 to get them done tomorrow#and I’ve worked so hard for her this summer and both days I’ve been in town I’ve got her things#like nothing spenny but I’ve just thought of her and got her things I know she’d like just to be nice#and £25 is NOTHING TO HER AND SHE DIDNT EVEN OFFER 😭😭 she even joked it off#she was like ‘your dad would offer to pay if he was here but I believe in lessons’ GIRL FUCK YOUR LESSONS I WANT MY NAILS DONE 😭😭😭#why am i actually in tears over this. this is so silly. now all my money is fucked and im going to be the skint one when we go to dublin#AS USUAL. even though i worked hard and clocked the hours it still got fucked bc im fucking. cursed#im aware im being dramatic and this isn’t even about the amount of money i have atm i promise this isn’t some desperate bankruptcy claim#like for once im actually fine money wise it’s just all been FUCKED and my dates are now FUCKED bc i have to wait for next paycheck now#and it’s so unfair bc usually things go wrong for me bc im DUMB and mess it up LIKE MY NAIL APPOINTMENT#but for work and dublin i literally planned it perfectly and did the hours and it still didn’t work#like what is WRONG with me. i hate being an adult i need a sugar daddy ive had enough#the message I sent my manager…. scathing…. ik his scared of confrontation ass is panicking. give me my fucking MONEY#hella goes home
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i literally need there to stop being situations circumstances events developments complications and happenstances. for the fucking love of god
#purrs#but there will never stop being any of those things so actually what i literally need is to learn HARD AND FAST how to stop getting so#fucking triggered over a situation i know is NOTHING so bad that im anxious for the entire rest of the day and can’t even get any work done.#like (jade from tesco voice) girls… im not gonna lie to you. i think therapy is not working. i think i am not mentally or emotionally strong#enough to work in this job and i think i am never going to get mentally or emotionally stronger. ive been stuck in the quicksand too long#and now im atrophying. i cannot develop the situational awareness and motor skills or awakeness (and i mean AWAKEness.) to safely and#consistently drive a car. i cannot develop the intellect and drive and courage to get an advanced degree or be in a leadership position that#everyone actually sees as a leadership position lmfao. and i cannot develop the emotional intelligence and inner peace to not get triggered#out of my fucking mind at work to the point where im having anxiety heart palpitations and fighting back tears. i am just stuck as i am#forever. and you know how i know that? BECAUSE IVE WORKED AT THE NATIONALLY RENOWNED CENTER FOR YOU-ARE-NOT-STUCK-AS-YOU-ARE-FOREVER FOR#FIVE FUCKING YEARS SINCE ITS LITERAL FOUNDING AND HELPED TO FOUND IT AND IM STILL LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!! i go back to square one EVERY#FUCKING DAY!!!!!!!! how am i supposed to tell other people who they are is what they bring and the world can change and whatever when i am#the fucking antithesis of that. when i don’t even believe my own words. like the way i want to punch out every window in this building rn i#HATE BEING LIKe this i hate being in the psychic prison of scared little girl mode all the time forever no matter what and being beyond help#and disappointing and burdening the people around me because i can’t be fucking normal about like. hierarchy and institutional politics LOL#delete later
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#i really fucking hate my brain right now#i put on a pair of jeans today#and they're the only jeans i bought when i was at my lowest with my eating#which means they're the smallest ones i have#and i put them on td and they were tighter than usual#and i fucking hate that im using them as a yardstick for my body but i still do it#and i know logically they're just tighter because 1. im actually fucking eating properly#and 2. i'm bloated anyway from my period#but there was this little voice in the back of my head screaming at me that im not fucking good enough and nobody will ever want me#and i've made alot of progress with my eating#i've not intentionally skipped a meal in almost a month#but my mind wont shut the fuck up#and my partner always says “text me if you need me” but i cant#because it's the middle of the night and for once#for ONCE#theyre actually taking care of themselves and sleeping#and it'd be so shitty to ruin that because i know that thats really hard for them#so now i'm just lying in the dark listening to music#and trying to drown out my thoughts with it#but it's not fucking working and nothings fucking working and im so so scared im going to relapse again#because i dont want to do that anymore but i dont feel like i have a fucking choice#and nobody will probably read this except alex#gods bless them#but i just needed to write the words#because if i dont do something#i'll do something else that id regret a lot more#tw eating#tw eating disorder#ed vent
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hmmmmmm.................vent post under tags...... feel free to give advice or dont¯\_(ツ)_/¯
#i think this is an autism related thing#but i genuinely feel like i wasnt made right for the world we live in#like something is just missing from me that ive never seen ppl talk about#and i know this is going to sound entitled and privileged and i KNOW i know i promise and im so lucky i can even be thinking about this but#it feels weird to have the privilege to be scared#this is specifically in regards to working#like having a job. like going to work#i feel like im missing an extremely important part of my brain or my BEING that is capable ot going through the motions of participating#in society. i never felt that switch of wanting to get a job in high school to make money for myself and get that experience#i feel like there's something i MISSED where everyone took a class on how to apply and go to interviews and write resumes and not be scared#like i NEED to be walked through every SINGLE step because i dont know HOW#and i see my peers and the literal entire world around me participating in this atmosphere and i dont know where to start#im fucking twenty three years old and ive only ever been an intern and an assistant#not even a full year of working#i cant drive and i probably wont ever because thats a whole other can of worms#and that means i have to rely on other people to even get to wherever it was i needed to go#i feel like a fucking child because im missing this knowledge that everyone else seems to have#ive tried i really have but none of it seems simple and its all so much and there arent steps to follow#i mean there ARE but its like 1) look up job 2) apply 3) interview 4) yay you're employed#and im talking about each micro step inbetween#what am i missing#and then theres the fucking demand avoidance that slaps me across the face whenever my mom brings it up to me like i KNOW youre being#supportive and encouraging and its not your fault my brain turns off and decides im full of shame bc i cant CONFRONT ANYTHING#jesus christ#manf i know u can see this maybe dont bring it up to mom i can do that on my own maybe#i WANT to help i just want to help at my own pace but unfortunately the world isnt built around individual paces and nothing revolves#around me. i know this#i want to help my mom i want her to never be stressed about money and to retire and never work or help me pay my student loans but i#genuinely feel like theres a switch that never turned on in my head and im being left behind and i genuinely dont know how to. like be alive
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slight rant/vent
Though I'm also posting on twt at @bluravenite in case you want to interact with me outside of hate anons
Yk there's probably hate anons going around all the time but it's been really apparent this past week that some people genuinely don't know to shut the fuck up... I have stopped posting with the same frequency as i was bc i am working on commissions and drawing takes time but i might just keep a more sort of closed parasocial relationship/ treat Tumblr more as a portfolio than as social media if that keeps happening... Sorry that i rant in here a lot but it's genuinely exhausting sometimes when most of your mutuals on this app are getting rude anons...
#it's genuinely worrying bc it really makes you question what kinda people have it against u/ur friends#like why cant you just leave some people alone#and it makes me feel guilty too for wanting to also protect/defend my friends?? you know nothing about these people#but thats never an excuse to be such an asshole to people#once talked with someone who had me blocked here and they told me they didn't remember why but “clearly my values didn't align with theirs”#that still hurts because my values have always been to make this page safe for everyone#posting my silly little doodles and hoping it means something to people#because right now?? THIS is the closest I'll ever get to my dreams#so it really sucks that the closest thing to being a concept artist and freelance illustrator is seeing my friends getting hate for nothing#i might actually close comissions for the public after this... 1 because i need higher prices for my work#and 2 because i am unfortunately scared that im never gonna be good enough#because people who draw cant catch a fucking break sometimes#sorry for the rant again#raven vents
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#it's kinda epic that my parents openly scorn and don't believe in me and treat me like im worthless when actually#ive done nothing all my life except be a decent human being#grow and try not to upset them#''she's scared of course she won't''#''she doesn't leave the house''#''what do you even do?''#i've wanted to unalive every day since i can remember have never wanted to exist here and it's a struggle to find anything good so no wonde#I fucking latched onto a dumb space show with a semblance of a working family dynamic where challenges are over come in a mature fashion#I love my parents but i wish they understood how much i hurt and how anxious i am#I'm ACTUALLY fucking stupid i cant retain anything i am a mediocre artist and i fucking am sick and tired of pretending my life is okay#/neg#personal
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emotional. happy, pissed off, all that.
#hzrn#im cool with being annoying hypothetically but the real kicker is that no form of communication exists that i can really use comfortably#every single form of communication out there. i can't use it. i can't fuckin talk bc the sounds are too hard.#i can't fuckin type bc the buttons are too hard.#i can't fucking body and hands bc motions are too hard.#i can't fucking art because art involves all those things.#damn fucking WORDS are too hard. i put so much work into them and i get nothing. nothing!#who made the world this way?! why is it that all communication and socialization is so. fucking. hard!!!!#i tried! i really really fuckin tried man! all last year i tried so so hard.#i fell FLAT on my face. NO ONE liked me. they called me a retard! they said i was scary‚ awkward‚ hard to be around!#they did coordinated social attacks on me! then when i come back to school this year and i even *think* about trying again‚ they say#'nobody wants him here. and he should stop caring'#well right about then‚ is where she gives up! she has closed her eyes‚ she has given up hope!#i gave up trying to exist socially at school. the two paths are being myself and getting bullied‚ or not being myself and getting nothing#today was a good day for me all in all but idk.#the only reason i dont hold grudges like crazy is because of my object impermanence shit#although this might as well count as a grudge. i think it's somewhat justified though‚ because in my case it's more like#if you hurt me seriously then i'll think about it pervasively until you do something to redeem yourself in my mind.#probably that's part of the reason im so scared of being myself and shit#this is probably the reason why im so scared of being myself. bc everytime i tried i got bullied‚ mocked‚ demeaned. and that shit piles up.#i just spend mosta my time not thinking about it! just like i spend mosta my time not thinking about who i am‚ my future‚ my past and on!#siiiigh. sigh sigh siiiiiiiiigh#it's ok to like this post by the way#in fact it's encouraged. im directly and clearly asking you to.#im not making this post for nothing. im making it in the hopes that someone will read what i said.#although really no one will. why the hell would anyone fucking read this. get fuckin real.#i know for certain i'll wake up tmrw with this at at maximum like. 1 like. 2 if im really the luckiest girl in the world.#and i know how i sound caring about likes and shit. but really all it tells me is someone read this. and i really fuckin need someone to re
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for two weeks every four months i become math’s biggest hater, and for the rest of the time im just an average hater (very sad and frustrated)
#officially done half of my finals...just the other half left#and included in that half is...the dreaded calculus ii final exam god im so scared#my eyes are burning my wrist hurts my back aches from sitting in a chair for hours staring at three different screens doing practice#probelms that stopped making sense about. 2 hours ago#i hate differential equations so much why do we need to know these things. like. when will i ever need to know how to integrate by parts#when in life will i ever need to know whether a series converges absolutely conditionally or diverges#when am i ever going to need to understand volumes of revolutions w the stupid washers and shells and GRAAH#im going to be petty tongiht bc i know that this math cant even be considered hard bc its literally just fundamental courses#but im going to let myself be sad bc once i get out the sad and frustrated and mad i can go back to deriving power series of things#and everyone learns and processes things at different rates and its ok if i need to take twice as long to understand a theorem and proof#then a classmate who can understand it just by reading the course notes once. yeah#i actually feel pathetic rn. cant believe a first year math course has me this worked up. just need to get my shit together next study term#and stop complaining over every little thing#actually last little thing i love the ratio test it has done nothing wrong ever i love it so much (i hate the integral test)#limit comparison you are on thin fucking ice. ast you are just behind the ratio test#willows rambling branch
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convinced only maybe 5 of you understand kendall btw
#the kendall roy tag is a war zone for real. kendall’s worse than logan… be for fucking real. LIKE ?#he’s a terrible prick obviously but this is so obviously him grieving. like his anger isn’t coming from the same place logan’s did. like at#all. he’s upset and insecure and grieving. like with rava and jess he was being horrible because it’s the idea of the people he cares about#leaving him? he’s so deathly scared of rejection and the idea that he’s doing the wrong thing so he acts out like it’s an internal battle#with himself bc he Needs to keep logan alive (the grieving process) but it’s working to alienate all the#people closest to him. like he’s not doing well at all rn. he’s so fucked up.#also all the people saying that haha he’s logan now🤪 like how long do you seriously think he can facilitate that. like he’s NOT logan . i#feel as though that’s the point . he was comfortable with the world / i’m sorry you’re not made for it.#like there will come a point when he can no longer facilitate emulating his dad and he’ll fucking crash bc him doing this is like. him#grieving in the worst way possible.#anyway. idc anymore im so sick of ppl talking on him like. you understand nothing#obv not justification for him being a prick. he’s a misogynistic racist prick but im sooo sick of there being such a particular empathy for#roman and then you have the most basic unnuanced takes for kendall. okay anyway sparkle on or whatever#p
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my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.
#purrs#longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing#and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how#deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is#to fight it but i don’t even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is#being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten#alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i can’t tell except for when i can#one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the#most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isn’t enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably#i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way it’s like i just can’t take living like this#delete later#i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and that’s the worst fucking part. is hurting#people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself#and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i#feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i can’t. idk.#also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental#illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt#feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant#i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasn’t and now i look back on that#and am like… how. and will i ever not be. i don’t think so. it just feels unending
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i left her house and party without telling her how i feel or attempting to make a move i feel like the stupidest motherfucker alive
#like. that was my chance. it was THE chance. why am i such a fucking coward#its not like i didnt want to but i couldnt find the way thwre was too many peoñle and i wanted it to be private#so we LEFT for WALK on her NEIGHBOURHOOD that was MY CHANCE. we went to the little park with the swings i REALLY WAS ABOUT TO SAY STH#WHEN ONE OF THE GUYS AT THE PARTY AND HER COUSIN ARRIVED B#TO PICK US UP BY CAR BC SHE HAD TO BLOW THE CANDLES#(<- the party was her birthday cellebration)#like really idk how i am a. so unlucky and b. such a pussy#i think i shouldve been a bit more drunk to have told her right away.but i Was working my way through it to tell her it was just hard yknow#im scared ill ruin things if she rejects me. and i feel like she wants to be with me sometimes and that she likes me.#but other times i feel like im just being insane and she will simply reject me#i think her cousin noticed i like her though. (i dont think this is too hard to notice anyway) maybe thatll help? idk.#half the world thinks we are together and i have to wonder why arent we?i like her n i think she likes me (or at least she has in the past)#so whats stopping us? the fact we r in a band together and want a future on that might be something. she has also told my friend she values#the friendship too much or sth like that (my friend doesnt remember very well) but that then means she does like me! but also shell reject#me possibly! or will she? who knows?!!#anyway i think it wouldnt be that bug of a problem anyway for the band if we are mature about it. even it it doesnt work and we decide its#better as friends in a future. i dont think anything she does or i do will be as bad as 'point of no return bad'.#i believe in us. and i feel like the sappiest mf alive too#but see if youve read this far i think you might understand why im such a coward and so scared of telling her i like her#but i was so close of just bljrting it out or kissing her. i did kiss a bit her neck.... sorry lol. but nothing too um .sexual? it was like#peck. but you ask and how did that happen? well see. we were sleeping together. like on top of each other hugging. my face was on her#collarbone. so i was like there. but i dont think she tought much of it sometimes we kiss each others cheeks or whatever and its just like#or maybe she did. there were pther people on the room anyway so ot was like . weird as well bc of that#idk ots just a very ambiguous zone in which i will die forever if i dont work up some courage#this posts always turn onto rants but i dont speak much about her with my friends unless they ask +im a bit drunk.it embarrasses me greatly#spikeposting#loveposting
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