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Just Wanna Be Happy (Pope HeywardxReader)

Warnings:Mentions of self harm,depression,medication,suicide.Please do not read if youre triggered by these topics.This wasnt written to glamorize mental illness this is kind of just my coping mechanism because I just got out of a depressing period.Depression effects people differently but this fanfic has ways that its effected me so yeah.

You had never been a very social person.Or a friendly person or even a happy person.You kind of just existed without purpose or reason.Its not like you didnt want to be happy because of course you did.It just wasnt something that could come naturally to you in your everyday life.It was summer and you had hardly left your house at all.Most time was spent in your room.It had been days since you had showered or brushed your hair or even changed your clothes.You hadnt done you laundry in weeks or eaten a proper meal in days.You were an absolute mess since you had stopped taking your medication.You didnt know why but you just couldnt bring yourself to take them anymore.You felt guilty for not replying to any of your friends messages.

“Hey :) do you wanna hang out with us tomorrow?”Read Tuesday 9:48 PM. “Hey have you been taking your meds?Your mom wanted me to check up on you :)”Read at 1:48 PM today.

Your mom was staying with family in California this summer to work on a book.She would transfer ten dollars to your bank account everyday.You hadnt spent any of it.She had sent you countless texts to ask how you were doing or if you had gotten your refill.Your skin was dull from not seeing the sun,the hair on your legs had grown long and prickly and you smelt like absolute shit.You heard a knock at your door,the sound echoing through your empty house.You worked up the strength to get up,dragging your feet as you walked.You felt dizzy and nauseous as you walked,couldnt even feel your feet touching the ground.Your kitchen was an absolute mess,frying pan with maple syrup stuck to it and the sink full of dirty smelling dishes.You opened the door,blocking your eyes from the sun to see Pope.

He let out a sigh of relief,pulling you into a hug. “God (Y/N)!You cant do that!Jesus,I thought you died.”He sighed,squeezing you tightly.You didnt bother hugging back,letting your head rest against him. “I was getting worried about you-its been like two weeks since you’ve talked to me.”He grumbled,pulling away from the hug and observing your face.You had a couple of pimples across your forehead from not washing your face,your skin was splotchy and your eyes puffy. “Have you been taking your meds?”He asked.You didnt answer,watching as he walked over to the cabinet to pull out the orange pill bottle.It was still half full.He looked at the date that it was supposed to be refilled.Two days ago. “You have to take these every day!”He exclaimed.You sighed,not really caring.THis wasnt what you needed to hear right now.You didnt exactly know what you needed to hear but that was definitely not it.

 “When was the last time you showered?”He asked.You shrugged,not remembering.All the days had merged together.You slept a lot even when you didnt need it.The only time you really got up was to use the bathroom or vomit into your trash bin. “And the last time you ate?”He asked.You mumbled that you werent sure,embarrassed that someone had seen you in this state.He turned on your shower,letting the room get steamy from the hot water.He went into your messy room,making his way through the piles of crumpled paper and dirty clothing to your dresser.He grabbed you a new pair of underwear,a sportsbra,a loose t shirt and some comfy looking shorts.He assisted you in getting your hair out of the bun it was in,letting the snagglt knots loose. “I’m going to make you some food,okay?”You nodded.He closed the bathroom door.

You pulled off your dirty clothes,nearly gagging at the smell of yourself.You stepped into the shower,letting the burning hot water touch your back and head.You poured a fistfull of conditioner in your hair to try and help with the knots.You sat down,closing your eyes and letting the conditioner rinse out.You poured at least a fourth of the bottle of shampoo into your hair,scrubbing your scalp aggressively.You used the suds from the shampoo to wash under your arms and your back.You used the same suds in replacement of shaving cream to shave your legs only up to your knee.The water was going cold but you didnt care,laying down and letting the water smack your stomach.Pope knocked at the door before opening it. “(Y/N)?You okay?”He asked.You sat up,eyes still shut as you turned off the water. “I made you some frozen waffles.”He informed you before closing the door again.

You waited until all of the water went down the drain until you stood up,slowly stepping onto the bath mat.At least you didnt smell so disgusting now.What really worried you was brushing your hair out mostly because you knew it would hurt and half your hair would most likely fall out.You grabbed a towel,rubbing down your body.You had some faded scars on your thighs and calves but none on your wrist.Mainly because you knew no one would check your legs.It had been five months since you harmed yourself and you were proud.You probably would’ve relapsed eventually if you were even able to work up the energy to do it.You groaned as you saw the pimples on your face,grabbing your face wash that you hadnt used in so long.You scrubbed your face,rinsing the soap off and patting your skin dry.

You looked back up at the mirror.You could barely recognize yourself.You looked like a deformed radiation exposed raccoon.You saw the clothes Pope had picked for you,pulling them on over your damp skin.You slowly brushed your teeth,blood leaking from your gums as you did so.You dragged yourself out of the bathroom,the cold air of the kitchen hitting you.Pope wa sitting at your kitchen table.A plate of eggos sat on a paper plate,a cup of water sitting in front of it. “I’ll go grocery shopping for you later.”He offered as you sat down.You shook your head. “No...its fine.”You answered as you stared down at the plate. “You dont have anything to eat here.Let me go grocery shopping and cook for you.”He spoke softly,taking a pill from your prescription bottle and holding it in his palm.

 “Can you please eat so you can take this?”He asked.You took a bite of the eggo,wanting nothing more than to spit it out into the garbage.You chewed it to mush and swallowed,looking back at him. “Good.”He handed you the pill. “I dont want to take this.”You told him.He sighed,nodding. “I know,I know you dont but it’ll make you feel better.”He told you.You dipped your head back,dropping the pill in your mouth and sipping the water. “All I want is to be happy….why is that so much to ask for?”You grumbled,looking down at your cup.He reached out for your hand,rubbing his thumb along your palm. “You’ll be happy one day.If you take your medicine and make your environment better you’ll feel better.”He had probably read that bullshit in some book.You rolled your eyes. “What does that even mean?”You asked.You placed his hand over yours,tapping his nails against your fingertips. “Just let me take care of you until your mom gets back,alright?”He asked.You hummed,too tired to argue.

He grabbed your hairbrush and a bottle of detangler from your bathroom and got to work on your hair.It didnt hurt too bad and he was careful with your hair almost like it was precious gold. “Do you wanna watch a movie?”He asked.You shrugged but followed him to your living room.It was the one room besides your mothers that you hadnt completely fucked up.He went on Disney Plus and allowed you to flick through the titles until you found something you liked.You chose Inside Out.He grinned at you,kissing your forehead before disappearing into your room.He picked up the clothes off your floor and assumed they were dirty,tossing them into your washing machine.

He stuffed your trash bin full of all the paper and random trash on your floor.He grabbed the stacks of plates,forks and molding mugs from you floor and on top of your dresser.He did a load of dishes,switching your clothes from your washer to your dryer.You had fallen asleep on the couch with the movie still on.He made your bed for you,killing a few bugs that had been hiding under all of the trash.He called his dad. “Pope?You okay?” “mhm..yeah.Um...im gonna be away from home for a while.” “What-no the hell you’re not.” “Dad-” “No-what am I gonna do with all these grocery deliveries?” “Dad-Its (Y/N).” Silence. “Is she….uhh..” “No-no.She’s been off her meds and i think someones gotta be here to take care of her while her moms out of town.” “Alright...just be careful with her.”The call ended.Pope sighed as he looked at your room.It was much much cleaner now that he was done with it.

He sat down on the couch next to your sleeping figure,paying attention to the movie in front of him.You sat up tiredly,wrapping your arms around his torso and moving him so you could rest your head on his tummy. “I think thats whats happening to me.”You spoke,gesturing to the TV.Joy and Sadness had just left the headquarters which left only fear,anger and disgust.He nodded,understanding what you were trying to tell him. “Maybe.”He replied.You sighed,tracing circles onto his skin through his shirt. “I wanna learn how to be happy...it might take a while but I just wanna be happy,you know?”You asked.He hummed,moving his arms so he was holding you. “I’ll help anyway I can.”He promised,stroking your hair lightly.

HOW TO STOP BINGING

Hey guys,

I see a lot of people who are struggling with binge eating in this Community. And I don't mean the "oh I ate over 1000 calories" binging, I mean the 3.000 -over 10.000 calories binging.

My Story : I always had a fast metabolism and was always the skinny girl who would eat a lot. Then I discoverd the pro-ana community and I thought I could become even skinnier, so I started restricting, but I always stayed over 1000 calories. I lost a lot of weight people where concerned and always commenting on how skinny and unhealthy I looked blablabla, I loved it. But then I would have these cravings and I would eat a lot, so I got back to my starting weight, over the years it got worse because I would try to restrict during the week and always binge on the weekend. Holidays where the worst, because I had no routine and would binge every day. Last year I finshed high school and started a gap year in the USA and maybe going to the US with binge eating disorder was the worst Idea of my life. In the last 8 month I gained over 22 lbs /10 kg. A lot of shit happend at home and I wasn't there, so I would eat my feelings, I would stay in bed for weeks and eat 10 whole meals a day until I thought I would die from a heart attack because I ate so much. I have a 9 to 5 job in an Office right now, so I dont move a lot. Most days I get up go to Work and have lunch, go back home have dinner, eat a lot of Snacks watch TV go to bed. But since a few weeks I am binge free, I still eat too much and not healthy all the time, but it's getting better slowly and I already lost some Weight. So here are my things that help me.

🌻Accept it.

You have Binge eating disorder, Yeah it sucks, and it's gonna happen again! Nothing sucks more than having this anorexic beauty standart /goal in your head, but binge eating at the same time. But this is where we are right now, so accept it. And dont promise yourself to never binge again, this will put you under pressure and you will most likley binge again! Promise yourself to get better.

🥗 Eat healthy.

All this processed food will lead to more cravings and wont make you full. Also healthy food is lower in calories, more nutrional and will make you feel better.

📺 Eat mindful.

Don't eat in front of any media. If you have time prepare your food and eat slowly. I used to eat every meal while watching something on my Phone, to the point where I couldnt watch something without craving food. Yeah eating in silence is boring but it will stop you from over eating. Also dont eat in your room!

🕛Eat regulary

Try to eat at the same time every Day. That doesnt mean you have to eat exactley at 12pm but try to eat around that time. What Works for me is having 3 big meals a day. But there are so many options like 3 meals two snacks etc. Just try to have a routine. It helps especially when you have trouble knowing when you are hungry or full. I try not to eat after 7pm because I know that thats mostly emotional /binge eating. And dont freak out if something unplanned is happening and you can't eat at that certain time. Its ok thats life. Try again tomorrow.

👭Eat with friends.

Especially when you feel like binging. Call a friend, do a sleepover. Eating with others will stop you from eating like a pig. Maybe you will still overeat but at least not until your stomache hurts.

😴 Get enough sleep.

If you lack of sleep your body is trying to get the energy from food, so you will eat more. Try to get 7-9 hours every night. And have a certain bedtime. I had most of my binges after 10pm but if you sleep you can't eat!

🏡 Get out of the house.

If you are at home it's easier to binge. No one is watching you and you have all the food around you. Try to have something to do every Day. Meet with friends, get a hobby. Even if you have work to do, do it somewhere else like the libary.

🙅Avoid Stress.

Bad feelings like stress will lead to binging. If you have a big project to do and you don't know how to start and you procastinate, that will lead to guild and stress. Start early, ask for help, prepare for a binge. Dont let other people Stress you, especially family members love to tell you how many things you should be doing and how far you are behind and how easy it is to do All of this. Its ok, breathe, especially with Depression and an eating disorder it often feels like you are stuck in life and everyone else figured it out. Its not like that! Your trying! As long as you keep trying you are not stuck!!!

👸Don't compare yourself to others!!!!

This is maybe the most improtant one. Dont compare yourself, yes there are people where it seems like there are perfect, they have all this energy and they are good in everything. But who cares? They are not you, you should only compare yourself with yourself. Everything else will make you feel like you can never do it and you will never be good enough. But if you only Focus on your own progress you will get happy and stay motivated.

🐢 Be slow.

Yes I know we all want to see change as soon as possible. But change takes time. Think about where you would be right now if you made slow but constant progress?! Yeah we see all these people who eat under 1000 calories exercise every day and have straight A's. But you tried that right? It worked for a week and then you binge again. Dont overwhelm yourself Start slow. Start with one challange a week. Set yourself realistic Goals. For example exercise 4 times a week. Thats your goal for the week nothing else. You could stay in bed all Day and eat, as long as you exercise 4 times a week. It works, I promise you wont stay in bed all Day, but if your brain thinks you could then it doesnt feel like restricting and you wont binge. Its So weird but the Moment you tell yourself Im gonna binge again and it's ok, you are less likley to binge. The mindset, I never gonna binge again, is the most dangerous.

⭐Dont be a fucking perfectionist!

I told myself so many times Im gonna eat healthy and then I would eat one drop of olive oil and be like fuck it now Im gonna eat 10.000 calories of junk! There are so many diffrend ways to reach your goal! Not this one perfect way. And even the most perfect people are not always perfect. You dont have to be perfect to reach your goal!!!!!!!! Slow progress!!!! Kill your All or nothing mindest!!

🍕Enjoy your binge.

If you are about to binge, keep calm, Trink some water. Call a friend, prepare your binge food, try to make it more healthy,for example vegan junk food or stuff like hummus and Avocado, wich are tasty and high in calories but healthy. Binging on more healthy food will make you feel better than binging on McDonalds and your skin is not going to break out, also it is hader to eat as many calories with healthy food. Enjoy the food, dont just swallow it!

🚫Dont restrict the day after!

It seems so logic right? I binge, now Im gonna starve the next Day. But this will ALWAYS lead to another binge. Dont skip meals! Move on as if nothing happend!

🤸Learn to fill the void

Lets be honest there are only 2 reason why we binge,1. You don't eat enough and your body is trying to get the nutrition. And 2. you're trying to feel better. Tasty food is releasing Dopamin and we feel good, at least while we are eating. But after you binge you feel disgusting and like a failure. So you have to find something else to fill that void. I read once that for every Bad habit you want to break you need 5 good habits. So find something that makes you happy. Start your Day dancing to your favourite songs. Meet with friends. Exercise. Watch your favourite Show without any distraction. Draw. Masturbate :) whatever makes you happy.

🌈Stay motivated.

Remember, progress is slow. Sometimes you wont see any change, your brain will tell you it's not worth it and to just give up. Remember why you started. Keep a tumblr with stuff that inspires and motivates you, but don’t compare yourself with others! Search for people who have the same problems it's not a race, be Kind to each other motivate each other. And don’t use your whole energy for this one goal, focuse on other things in life, time will go faster that way. Dont search for change in the morrior everyday! You got this!

🍑Hope this helps someone. If you have more Tips please share. If you have questions ask me and if you want to chat, message me.

Sorry for my spelling btw.

Take me for a Ride, Jack.. 1

So here’s my attempt at a slow burn. Well slow for me. At least its slow in this chapter. 

. . . 

It didn't happen right away, no. You'd been too nervous, into your work to see anything else. There was case after case, you couldn't remember the last time you had more than 24 hours off. It was like you were back in the core again. You followed Gibbs every word and then looked to McGee for guidance when the boss wasn't clear or just grunted. He grunted a lot.

Kasie and you had become good friends from day one. Her energy and love of work made you feel comfortable and spent a few nights over the past few months at a bar sharing stories with her and her girlfriend. As she was one of the newest additions to the Agency you bonded over the littler things. Like working with Gibbs. He seemed to warm to her quicker than most people. Although people did notice a level of respect that Gibbs had for you from the beginning. You assumed it was because of your background and you were right. Anyone who served deserved the respect, no matter what department you fell under plus your work ethic wasn't half bad.

This feeling however began around your third month with the agency. You finally felt like you were part of the team, helping them instead of dragging behind them. This new case you and Jack had worked together for a few hours bouncing ideas back and forth, sorting through profiles, you had a knack for reading people. You laughed, shared stories all while working and sorting through possible suspects.

You saw pain behind her eyes when you spoke about your tour in Afghanistan but you just figured it was like anyone else who served over there, or who served in general. You see things, things that no human should have to go through but you are there to do a job, you were trained for and you just keep going. She didn't add anything or want to tell her story, so you moved onto another topic, something closer to home. Looking for a place to live. There was only so much sisterly love you and nagging you could handle when going home after a long days work.

It wasn't until Gibbs walked in to Jack's office asking why you had been gone for so long that both of you realised the time. Three hours had past like nothing, you'd only meant to come help Jack for one but got carried away with it all. You followed him out of the office with folders of suspects in hand and saw Jack wink at you with a spark in her eye when you left.

That's when you felt it, really noticed it, the fire. Your stomach did a kind of flip flop and you mentally head slapped yourself for the term but you couldnt describe it any other way. That went on for the next few weeks, she'd sass you and you'd just take it, mostly because you didn't have a come back. She was too witty and quick, like no one you'd met before. You worked a few interrogations together and it worked well, following her lead but one time you took the initiative and Jack reveled in it. She gave you big props after and told Gibbs to send you into interrogation more often.

Once that case was closed, it wasn't even 24 hours before you were throw head first into another one. This case, it wasn't the hardest one yet but a couple had been murdered, they were young, married for only a year, husband had just come back from deployment. It hit home for most of the team and the whole neighbourhood were suspects. Ellie and Nick had gone in undercover into a vacant house down the street.

That's why you were working with Jack a lot, sorting through each of the neighbours, they were all tight nit and had varying personalities. You were up in Jack's office for hours, Ducky had come in about an hour ago with refreshments but couldn't stay due to a meeting. You got an alert from McGee that Gibbs was getting restless and wanted leads. So you grabbed the suspects that you and Jack were sure something was a bit off with, they didn't have a full proof alibi and few holes in their stories. She winked at you again and your stomach dropped, every darn time. You internally shook it off and headed for the bullpen.

Once you were back in the bull pen however that feeling and thought was shoved to the side, or deep down into your gut because now it was time for work. You joined Gibbs in going to find the first suspect, McGee had pinged his location and it was a simple bring in for questioning. Everything for once went smoothly, interrogation was easy, Gibbs and Sloane were a good team and you smiled at their rapport, knowing exactly where the other was going. You'd watched them before but it was when Jack did the wink to Gibbs just as she was about to leave the room that you stepped back slightly.

"You alright?" McGee placed a supporting hand on your shoulder from your sudden movement.

"Fine." You reassured him, clearly you misjudged the wink from earlier. Silly you.

Of course, team Gibbs was good but you all weren't that good. He wasn't the murderer. So back to work you went, looking into the other suspects you and Jack had rounded up. It was all just a lot of paper trails, bank statements, work history and anything the crossed paths or shouted motive. You hated the searching, you'd much rather be in interrogation rounding on a suspect or in the field asking questions. So there wasn't anything else for Jack to do down in the Bull pen so she went back to her office looking into more profiles but also saying she had to catch up with other teams cases.

It wasn't until well into the evening that Gibbs pulled the pin and told both to go home. Ellie and Nick were undercover for another night and would just have to wait until tomorrow to catch a break.

Thankfully your sister was on night shifts at Bethesda so you had the house to yourself. You crashed on the couch and flicked on the tv for background noise. Some nights it was easier falling asleep with the sound of voices in the background. You dosed off and your brain replayed the hours in Jack's office over and over as a sick joke in your dreams.

You shot up in the early hours of the morning in a cold sweat. It was probably some nightmare from one of your missions. You couldn't remember and you really didn't want to. You walked around your apartment for a while, had a hot shower and slipped into suitable clothes for work. The sun was just starting to come up and you figured it was an okay time head into work, a few hours early wouldn't hurt.

Funnily enough you weren't the first one in the office, thankfully you thought that would be the case and picked up two coffees on the way to work. If he wasn't in you'd just end up having two, it was a win win situation in your eyes.

"Did you even go home last night?" You joked, putting one of your brews on his desk.

"For about four hours and then thought of something." Gibbs nodded his thanks for the coffee, chucking his old one in the trash.

You huffed a quiet laugh and sat down at your desk, turning it on and sipping your coffee. "Couldn't sleep after 0300."

"Nightmares?" Gibbs assumed.

You weren't really expecting a reply, or if you were going to get one you thought it would be a change to the case at hand but no. You took a moment to answer. "Probably. Didn't really try and remember what it was about though." You shrugged and saw Gibbs glance over at you. You could've sworn there was concern in his gaze but he quickly looked back at his computer.

"Spoken to anyone about them?" He was just full of surprised this morning. Maybe he was more talkative before 0600 and as the day went on he ran out of words unless he was interrogating or investigating.

"Spoke to a doc once I came back but after a few sessions I was soon told my heads clear and I can find my way into civilian life." You both shared a dry laugh at that.

"Did either of you go home last night?" Jack walked into the bullpen, full smile on her face but her eyes rolled.

Gibbs smirked, leaned back in his chair and sipped his coffee. "Yes."

Jack looked from Gibbs to you for confirmation. You nodded and then got distracted by something on your screen because suddenly you mind reminded you of the dreams you had before the nightmare you forgot. You and Jack in her office, first it was just working, sharing stories like you had but then it lead to touches, glances and you made your mind stop. Where was this coming from?

"Did you at least get five hours sleep?" Jack walked up beside your desk, resting her hip on it and looking down at you with a small smile teasing her lips.

"Don't know. Fell sleep not long after I crashed on the couch and then woke up around 0300." You shrugged at her, hoping to dissolve the subject of your sleep.

"Couch? Seriously? You two are infuriating." Jack pushes herself off your desk, cradling the cup of what you can only assume is sugar with a dash of coffee and walks over to the plasma beside Gibbs desk which has the now four suspects up next to one another with a wrap sheet beside each one.  

"What do you have against couches Jack?" Gibbs turns around in his chair so hes now facing the plasma from where he's sitting.

"Nothing, they're great for drinking coffee at, enjoying fireplace steaks and walking movies but not sleeping on night after night." She turns her head to look at Gibbs but you can't see her facial expression only the response Gibbs gives which is a small nod of his head.

"Who says I'm sleeping on it night after night?" Jack snaps around at the sound of your voice with a curiously raised eyebrow.

"So last night was a one off then?" She knew she had you trapped. The cheeky grin that spread across her lips at the change of your expression was the give away.

You smiled, shook your head and just went back to your work. You know that was a victory in her eyes and you didn't know why it all of a sudden bothered you so much. She didn't give in though, walking over to your desk again, this time standing behind your monitor and staring at you. "Gibbs you got the report Ellie sent through on Bradley Shore, angry neighbour number two." You dared a glace at Jack's overly cocky smile and wished you hadn't because your face betrayed you and cracked a smile in return.

"Thought so." She hummed and took another sip of her drink.

"Three nights. You happ-y." You tried to glare at her before getting the file from Gibbs desk but she just gave as good as she got.

"If you want to talk about anything, you know where I am." Her glare softened, she heard the slight crack in your voice. You kicked yourself for giving away such a tell but that came from irregular sleeping patterns and not more than four hours of sleep per night.

You just nod and with that Jack turns, shares one last quip with Gibbs before heading up to her office to start the day. You stretch back in your chair, now wishing you grabbed three cups of coffee instead of two.

"I'm going to get another round, you want one?" Gibbs offered, another surprise. He shook his head, probably at the shocked expression on your face. "I'll take that as a yes."

"Please." You stretch your hands above your head, your elbow cracking. "Might hit the gym for half an hour, if that's ok with you?" It didn't really come out as a question but you looked at him for approval anyhow.

"As long as you are back here by 0730, doesn't bother me." He walked out of the office without any reply needed.

You hop out of the bathroom when you see Gibbs walk into the gym, coffee in hand. "Was gonna go cold on your desk."

"Thanks, Boss." You accept the coffee from him, take a sip and place it on the bench beside you. You start wrapping your hands and notice Gibbs still watching you wrap your hands. "I prefer tape to gloves."

"Like the feeling of connection." He nods.

"Yeah." You smile, someone gets it.

"Enjoy." He turns and exits the gym, leaving you alone with your thoughts, your music and the willing punching bag. It doesn't take long for you to get into a rythem and you're pounding the bag with all you've got. The music pumping through your earphones as you duck and step around the bag. You finally slow down when the last song on your playlist starts and you know it's time to finish.

"Wow, that was interesting to watch."

You feel like you almost jumped out of your skin when you hear that comment after taking out your ear buds and turn around to see Jack leaning against the wall beside the entrance to the woman's toilets. "You right, Agent Sloane?" Your hearts still pounding, the emotions still high and your body slowly catching up.

"I am, Gibbs said I could find you here. Wanted to run something by you but you were so in the zone I didn't want to disturb you." She pushed off the wall, grabbing your towel from its spot on the bench and handing it to you as she walked closer.

"How long ago was that?" You nodded thank you for the towel and began patting yourself down, face first.

"Oh, ten minutes or so." You could've sworn you saw a flush to her cheeks for that admission but you were too worked up from the intense punch out that you didn't linger on it at all.

"What can I do for you, Jack?" You ran the towel down your arms and then chucked it over your shoulder.

"Well I have a tonne more questions now but for the case I wanted to ask about your thoughts on the couple across the street from the Doobles? You talked to them at the crime scene correct?"

"You know I did." It sounded short but you weren't trying to be, but after a workout you weren't really just ready to jump straight back into work without a calm down first. You started scraping at the end of your taped hands and untwining them.

"Right." She pulled the hand you started untaping out from your grasp and went to work on it herself.

You looked at her then, taking in the way her hair fell and caressed the side of her face, the way her brows furrowed, a small wrinkle showing when they went a certain way, the way her tongue came out every so often when the tape didn't do what she wanted. Her eyes caught yours and she smiled.

You smiled back, noticing your breathing and heart rate picking up again. Jack pulled the last of your tape free and began her concentration on the other hand. When her gaze dropped to your hands again you continued your venture of checking her out. It was when your eyes went to the end of her tight, sleek, pencil skirt and reached her toned calves that you realised she was finished with your other hand. You snapped your eyes back to hers which were already on you. Her smirk giving away that she'd caught you and you all of a sudden need to clear your throat.

"Thanks, I'll have a quick shower and meet you up in your office to go over the suspects." You nod but don't wait for her reply before moving around her, because god forbid she make it easy and move out of your way.

Jack's eyes follow your quick, embarrassed movements into the bathroom and a sly grin forms on her lips. "Who knew." She sips her cup of coffee and exits the gym.

. . . 

So I don’t do case stories, so apologies if none of that makes sense. I just needed some office back story first before the dating and motorbike rides

I have so many time periods in my life that were fucking miserable (my whole life so lol) but most of them im like

Man. I wish i could go back with the knowledge i have now and change shit

But my senior year of college still takes the cake. I would not repeat that fucking year given the chance. I legit for real am npt exaggerating at all when i say I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I GRADUATED. What strength i had. How did i do it??

I lost all of my friends. I lived with girls who made me feel worse about myself. My classes were super difficult and busy. My mom had finally admitted to me that she knew she was forgetting things.

I BECAME bulimic. That wasnt something i did before that year. Bulimic to the point where if i ate more than one peice or bread i felt guilty. Sometimes i coild rationalize to myself that i ate a healthy and appropriate meal but after 20 minutes id start panicking. That i HAD TO go throw it up. I HAD TO. if i didnt id regret it so i hadddd toooo

I didnt eat some days

And it went beyond the point of. All i have is my skinny body. It went to i hate myself and my life and i deserve to suffer. I dont deserve food. If i keep doing this maybe my body will fuck up enough that i die.

And speaking of death. It was the first time i fully tried to kill myself. I played with the idea before. Id do risky things on the off chance that id die doing it. Sometimes risky enough that i was surprised i even did it and got really scared afterwards thinking about ever doing them again. But id never made a plan. Got materials. And tried and fell asleep thinking id really never wake up. And i did it a couple times. And honestly i think i killed a part of me that year.

I cried all the time. I was just a zombie with a painted smile on my face so i could get help in class from other people. But i never actually smiled. And the second i walked in my room id start crying. All that bottled up energy released. And there was too much.

I used to fall out of my chair cause i was crying so much and id just roll around on the floor and then yell at myself to get my ass back in the chair and to keep studying. And i did. And id keep crying. And i kept studying.

And i took adderal several times a week. It wasnt even working. But it had a crack effect on me and would make me really happy and optimistic for no reason

I dont remember ever feeling confident in my studys. I walked into every exam terrifyed.

I was scared the entire year that i was gonna fail.

I was so out of it that i didnt even notice the stress permanently altered my apperance. Eveyone said i grew up. No the stress aged me. I didnt notice my hair fell out or how my chin seemed to grow. Or how my skin greyed

Theres no way to make thay year better. That was an awful year.

I have no point in this.

Just like that year and the two following it... which... issss 2014-2015-2016 to 2017

Like id completed three years of college. I had to graduate. I couldnt get out of that with a clear mind. And then coming home. None of my friends lived at home. I couldnt find a job. I took what i could get. I couldnt leave home. I had to stay for my mom. I had to and i wanted to.

Im thinking about it cause i could have immediately came to japan out of college. And i knew it then. I chose not to. I wanted to go home and be with my mom. And my family made that a nightmare. And watching her and taking care of her while she went downhill... i dont think ill be able to face those feelings... for many years to come. (I mean hopefilly not if i died while writing this id be happy) but theres really no getting around the fact that having completed my finance degree in college. My only choice was to end up as a server

My 13 year old dog died. My 18 year old cat died. My mom was shitting all over the house and refusing to sleep or eat. The woman who i hated so much that i went to work early and smiled while offering to stay later because “at least im not at home” finally died.

One day she told me she was gonna kick me out of the house (for the zillionth time) she screamed and yelled at me. And i went to work. And i came home and she was standing outside of the front door. I thought about continuing to drive and coming back later when shed moved. But for whatever reason i stopped and got out still hoping shed be gone by the time i walked up. She wasnt. She didnt even notice i was there. I was tempted to walk past her and go in. But i didnt. I asked her what was wrong. She said she could take the step to the sidewalk. And i helped her. And she rambled to me about how she thought shed be stuck there all night and how she didnt know what was wrong. The last time i saw her she had been screaming at me about how im a worthless spoiled lazy rude mean old adult acting like a baby. So. I really didnt have much sympathy to give her. I couldnt even talk. I was still mad. She thanked me. I said she was welcome. Thats all i remember. That was about 3 months before she died. If i went back to that exact moment knowing that information. I honestly dont think id change anything... she was.... so mean... so needlessly mean... im still mad about every time i was mad at her

Unlike my mom. Who i dreamed about this week. I had a dream that i was home just living my regular life in high school. And i did something. And my mom was yelling at me. And we got into an argument. Just one of those nonsense arguments that dont mean much. And in my dream i was like ugh my moms so annoying. And i woke up. And i miss her so much. What i wouldnt do to listen to my mom yell at me about something like taking too long to get ready. Or putting something in the wrong place. Or forgetting to do some chore she asked me to do. My mom with her fully functioning brain yelling at me because ive inconvenienced some plan that she has made for hersef that day. Thats shes fully capable of doing herself. And will do no matter what anyone says cause you dont mess with her schedule - you work with it.

I actually woke up and smiled. When you grow up do you ever think youll think about your parent full blown going off on you about something kinda dumb would ever make you smile...

Anyhow... that boy at work i like. I tried to be cute. He said he texts his friends back when he wants to when i pestered him about having not responded to my mesage. I was like

Oh thats the second time youve called me your friend! :) were friends :D

I just wanted a chuckle and for him to say yea yea were friends

But instead.... he said no. Were coworkers.

And i said you can be friends with your coworkers

Which led to a super long.... turned into argument...

Where he told me no. He doesnt need more friends. He only talks to me because he has to. He doesnt like me. He doesnt want to talk to me. He doesnt like when he has to talk to me. He has plenty of time to hang out with friends but not me cause im not his friend and he does not want to hang out with me. Dont ask him questions. Dont talk to him for more than a minute. He only said yes to hanging out with me because i was new to the country. His girlfriend didnt want him to and he decided he didnt want to after thinking about it. He wont change his mind. And he got really mad while telling me that his dumbass gf gets mad when i text him. And that he doesnt wanna talk to me out of work and at work only about work nothing else.

Most of that was unprovoked information. Like.. a quarter of it came from my “so were friends?” Remark. Another quarter of it came from my “coworkers can become friends” remark. And given half of it.... i brought up that he liked talking to me enough that he said he wanted to hang out with me - so you fan guess what quarter of the information came from that... oh sorry did i say quarters. I guess i meant thirds.

Extra shitty cause its a big jump from the boy who was engaging in actual conversation with me yesterday and moved so close to me that he was cms away from resting his head on me shoulder. Many times. Actually over the past couple days.

hey so it seems i’ve forgot to do a l o t of tag memes, and i’m lucky i drafted a big bunch of them! lots of questions overlapped so i did my best to answer in different ways, sorry for the lateness! also @ the people that tagged me here, i wouldn't hesitate to kill for you

@natcaptor / @gayspaced

name: leon or lionel!

nicknames: literally the only nickname I’ve been referred to is “big gay” and like. word!

gender: im pretty sure im a guy, i have been kinda 🤔🤔🤔 abt my gender identity since around november-ish though

star sign: sagittarius!

height: 6’1! i’m told that I’m tall but my uncle is 6’7 so...

time: 3:36pm rn! ive been watching video essays and binging music all afternoon

birthday: december 9th!

favourite bands: animal collective, beach house, camp cope, car seat headrest, death grips, fleet foxes, florence + the machine, gang of youths, glass animals, gorillaz, hop along, iceage, idles, kero kero bonito, mgmt, miike snow, modest mouse, run the jewels, superorganism, the avalanches, the cat empire, the go! team, the mountain goats, the wombats, xiu xiu

favourite solo artists: alex lahey, anderson .paak, ariana grande, billie eilish, bjork, cashmere cat, charli xcx, courtney barnett, cupcakke, d.r.a.m, eric taxxon, frank ocean, gfoty, hatchie, janelle monae, jeff rosenstock, joanna newsom, jorja smith, jpegmafia, kacey musgraves, kali uchis, kendrick lamar, khalid, kimbra, lorde, mac demarco, madeon, mick jenkins, mitski, oneohtrix point never, perfume genius, ravyn lenae, rina sawayama, serpentwithfeet, sophie, st. vincent, sza, vince staples

song stuck in my head: caramelo duro | miguel // kali uchis! its a bop, miguel is one of the few singers that can convincingly make sex jams

last movie i watched: deadpool 2! it was even better than the first, which is a feat in itself ngl

when did i create my blog: december 2016??? i only started using it properly in february last year tho

last thing i googled: “im in my mums car broom broom.” dont @ me

do i have any other blogs: yeah, plenty actually!! i have blogs for aesthetic (@moltenstar), general inspo (@wverns), flight rising (@szarising, kinda inactive?), and overwatch (@blackhardts) tbh the vast majority of my ‘sideblogs’ are just saved urls H

do i get asks: when i say stupid shit like “rung has the ass of a dilf but the dick of a cockroach”

why i chose my url: that one panel where kobd have a vacation at the acid wastes because fuck its finally canon babey!

following: 1,767, which is kinda horrifying!!

followers: 890?? somehow??? thats almost One Whole Thousand and i don't even make content

average hours of sleep: around 6 or 7!! n e v e r more though

lucky number: 43 and 64!!

instruments: i'm too poor to afford music lessons or instruments jsbddsjknfs

what am i wearing: a grey shirt and nothing on my bottom half so my [redacted] is hanging tf out, i should put on some damn clothes

dream job:  oooo uhhh, i’m studying to get an education degree rn because i’d love to teach children (around grade 3-4s preferably because i'm too jittery to handle anyone younger and older kids probs won't listen to me as much as i lack plenty of assertiveness), but!! i’d honestly love to be a musician, one of those underground ones that get lots of critical acclaim

dream trip: one day i wanna gather up some friends and just go on a road trip! idm where we go to, as long as we just have fun and just! adventure!

favourite foods: rare steak, mashed potatoes, eggs, and energy shakes made with like. fruit / cheese / yoghurt / oats / chia seeds ! protein is a large part of my diet

nationality: new zealand, but living in australia

favourite song right now: best part | daniel caesar // h.e.r - gosh i need to re-listen to daniel’s album again, i don’t remember this beautiful song being there and that’s a crime

@damndesi / @novarebel / @luciform-philogynist

APPEARANCE - I am 5'7 or taller - I wear glasses - I have at least one tattoo (but I am getting a tā moko in December, I believe) - I have at least one piercing (planning to get a nose ring, like a bull!) - I have blonde hair - I have brown eyes - I have short hair - My abs are at least somewhat defined (b a r e l y) - I have or had braces

PERSONALITY - I love meeting new people - People tell me I am funny - Helping others with their problems is a big priority of mine - I enjoy physical challenges - I enjoy mental challenges - I am playfully rude to people I know - I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it - There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY - I can sing well - I can play an instrument - I can do over 30 pushups without stopping (barely) - I am a fast runner - I can draw well - I have a good memory - I am good at doing math in my head - I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute - I have beaten at least 2 people arm wrestling - I can make at least 3 recipes from scratch - I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES - I enjoy sports - I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else - I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else - I have learned a new song in the past week - I exercise at least once a week - I have gone for runs at least once a week in warmer months - I have drawn something in the past month - I enjoy writing - Fandoms are my #1 priority - I do some form of Martial arts

EXPERIENCES - I have had my first kiss - I have had alcohol (tastes like shit) - I have scored a winning point in a sport - I have watched an entire TV series in one sitting - I have been at an overnight event - I have been in a taxi - I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year - I have beaten a video game in one day - I have visited another country - I have been to one of my favorite bands concerts

MY LIFE - I have one person that I consider to be my Best Friend - I live relatively close to my school/work - My parents are still together - I have at least one sibling - I live in the United States - There is snow where I live right now - I have hung out with a friend in the past month - I have a smart phone - I own at least 15 CDs - I share my room with someone

RELATIONSHIPS - I am in a Relationship - I have a crush on a celebrity - I have a crush on someone I know - I’ve been in at least 3 relationships - I have never been in a Relationship - I have admitted my feelings to a crush - I get crushes easily - I have had a crush for over a year - I have been in a relationship for over a year - I have had feelings for a friend

RANDOM - I have break-danced - I know a person named Jamie - I have had a teacher that has a name that is hard to pronounce - I have dyed my hair - I’m listening to a song on repeat right now - I have punched someone in the past week - I know someone who has gone to jail - I have broken a bone (do fractures count?) - I have eaten a waffle today - I know what I want to do in life - I speak at least two languages (not fluently) - I have made a new friend in the past year

@smstransformers

age: 16

birthplace: auckland, nz

current time: 4:19 pm rn!!!

drink you last had: i just skulled half a liter of water whoops

favourite song: jesus etc. | wilco if we're talking abt an all-time favourite

grossest memory: accidentally swallowing a bee when i was seven years old (somehow nothing bad happened?)

horror, yes or no: not unless it’s an incredibly tame horror t b h, my threshold for scariness is very low

in love: i believe so!

jealous of people: lots of times, over really dumb things

love by first sight or should I walk by again: i believe that infatuation can exist at first sight but true love not so much. wish that could happen tho :C

middle name: shane!

siblings: my sister is eight years old, and my brother is seven!

one wish: EZ, make my anxiety disappear, i’d have a much more productive life

song i last sang: jupiter | haiku hands

time i woke up: 7:13, woke up immediately because i usually like to wake at 6:30

underwear colour: blue + purble

vacation destination: auckland / kingston / sydney!

worst habit: not remembering to make my goddamn bed, it looks like garbage

favourite food: mashed potatoes….

zodiac sign: sagittarius !!!

@alyonian

relationship status:

at the moment i’m single! and while being in a relationship sounds brilliant, the last two relationships i was involved in? didn’t work out to say the least, lucky i’m still young

favourite colour:

it’s been emerald green for the longest time but orange seems to be dethroning it at a steady pace

lipstick or chapstick:

i haven’t used chapstick since i was six but i probably should use it again, water is my substitute rn fdghdgh - and i haven’t ever used lipstick in any capacity? so i’d have to go with the former

last song i listened to:

the space traveller’s lullaby | kamasi washington - i’m trying to get through his second album rn (i left off on the second disk yesterday) and while everything he makes is undeniably amazing, it’s? a three hour album? i don’t have the attention span for his spiritual jazz, as great as it is

last movie:

monsters inc is playing on the television right now, i’ll go with that! the animation aged kinda badly but it’s still such a fun movie! sidenote: james p. sullivan? a childhood crush, so this gives me memories

top 3 tv shows/podcasts/comics:

i rarely, if ever, venture into these forms of media but! if i had to answer, i’d say;

unbreakable kimmy schmidt / parks & recreation / luke cage

taz / mbmbam (i havent like. watched a full episode of either but they seem cool,)

tf idw / …………. yeah that’s it, i’ve never read anything else. probably should!

additional favs:

my friends, writing (in theory), listening to video essays, learning music theory + instruments and understanding audio production software

top 3 bands / artists:

HHH okay if i had to limit my choices to just three artists, uh. lorde, the mountain goats, and sophie. i couldnt even fit janelle in i hate th is

----------------------------------

@alyonian

color(s): light colors are always nice and pleasant, though anything peachy and sandy are the best! orange (specially pastel orange) is like. the best thing

last band t-shirt i bought: usually merchandising is very expensive and i dont have the money to accommodate that, but like. i do recall having a wiggles shirt when i was five. i wore it all the time, shjdjgsksd im sure that counts

last band i saw live: i almost went to splendor in the grass last year with family, which wasn't only cool since i’ve never been out of the state since i immigrated - the festival was in queensland, which is around a two hour flight from victoria - but the lineup was pretty fuckin lit too! the xx, haim, peking duk, tash sultana, future islands, vallis alps, a.b original,, i was p excited! unfortunately my uncle fell ill and so they had to give the tickets to extended family :( otherwise, i haven't been to a single concert in my life

last song i listened to: street fighter mas | kamasi washington - up to this song on the album and i really fuckin dig this! also the video is hypnotizing

last movie i watched: monsters inc is about to finish and up next is monsters university! which like…. honestly, this is an extremely unpopular opinion but, i like it just as much as the original? my opinion might be skewed because i’m a monster [hugger], but i like everything abt the movie! except for the finale of the scare games and the last five minutes of the movie, both were just. dreadful.

last three tv shows i watched: if aggretsuko counts that’s the last series i watched of my own volition, which is a miracle in itself considering that’s legit only the second anime i’ve watched to completion (the first being shirokuma cafe, which i probably need to re-watch). otherwise, the last two shows i had beared witness to were thirteen reasons why and queer eye bc my cousin put them on! that first show i could completely do without but queer eye is iconique

last 3 characters i identified with: grimlock (legit. all of them), urdnot grunt (mass effect) and vector the crocodile (sth), i’m not sure what this says about me other than Big

book(s) i’m currently reading: i’m reading ‘maus’ by art spiegelman at the moment, for the third time i believe? i believe my classmates are supposed to be writing an essay on this next term and shit, this novel is heartbreaking, i haven't been this emotional when reading a book than… ever, really. it’s a recommendation of the highest caliber

@victorion

name: leon / lionel, i picked up the second name because i was in a server with an admin that was also a Leon™

nickname: besides ‘Big Gay’ i also have the nickname ‘lemon lion’ which is! nice!!

zodiac sign: archer man

height: Tall™

language(s) spoken: english / some maori + italian

fav fruit: watermelons (only when in season)

fav scent: the smell of a freezer tbh? it just smells Nice i don’t know how to properly explain it

fav season: spring! the breezes are welcoming without being overbearingly freezing

fav color: ornge,,,,

fav animal: SHARKS + CROCS + FERRETS

coffee, tea or hot chocolate: tea! with some milk tho

average hrs of sleep: too little

fav fictional character: One character?????? uhhhhhhh……. like. biggest cc right now is either idw skids or oz from monster prom

no. of blankets you sleep with: depending on my mood but i’d say the average is like, 3??

fav songs: i quickly whipped up some songs i listen to

fav artists: i came to the realization that i like acts that are considered ‘bad’ like maroon 5/drake/lil yachty etc in specific doses… i wouldn't call them good yet, but! i have no beef and thats good

fav books: remember ‘where the wild things are’??? that shit was like. literal childhood, man.. :happytears: i really need to look for a copy again

@thonany-klieme

name: leon / lionel, interchangeable really

gender: male, im probs an nb guy

star sign: sagittarius!

height: 6’1

sexuality: gay??? im not sure, im mostly attracted to other guys but i have had very brief crushes on girls + nb people? sexuality’s confusing so im gonna just latch to the gaybel (gay label) for now

lock screen image: its the album cover of 1992 deluxe by princess nokia, tho it was “T Hanos” a few days ago since i change it often - my home screen is venom but his torso says ‘fuck machine’

ever had a crush on a teacher: no??

where do you see yourself in ten years: ideally i’m teaching kids math n english, realistically i’m probably going down with the political climate

if you could go anywhere, where would you go: new zealand!! or the netherlands

what was your favorite halloween costume: halloween is not big at all where i live, the only time i tried trick or treating was when i was like 7?? i threw a bedsheet on myself and pretended to be a ghost, though since there were no eyeholes + the sheet was blue, it looked more like i was just a moving lump

last kiss: never had one

have you ever been to las vegas: nah and i dont plan to?? how do you handle regular days of 40C wtf

favorite pair of shoes: i have this pair of jandals that ive worn for a fair bit longer than my other pair of shoes, tho i only wear them in summer + very warm nights

favorite book: ngl its. ‘the very hungry caterpillar’ by eric carle. i just, love it alot and i cant explain w h y

On Thursday of this week, Dec. 30th, I woke up and helped my grandma make our favorite breakfast: Biscuits and gravy. I wasn’t satisfied with just that, I also made myself a plate of scrambled eggs cooked in butter. An American breakfast. I went on with my day and made it to my interview at PetSmart (landed the job, Jupiter's lucky influence on Thursday). I wandered into an herbal shop across the parking lot to kill time before work. I took my time shuffling through each isle, inspecting whatever caught my eye. I thought about how nothing is safe from being commodified looking at 40 dollar bottles of herbal infusions. I thought about how I want to make my own natural products someday instead of feeding into their schemes. I wandered into the back of the store where tall book shelves lined three walls. This is where I was going to spend my money. It took a while to decide what information I wanted to take home with me but I settled for a book about herbs, ``Forks over Knives,” and an expensive bottle of women's multivitamin. I spent 75 dollars in total. An exercise of abundance haha. I made it to work a bit late ubering from decatur but as soon as my manager left, I whipped out “Forks over Knives' ' and began my descent. Every piece of information I read in that book started to appall me as I thought about my heavy breakfast slowly working its way through my body. The effects of animal products on my body, the environment, the inhumane treatment of the animals. how pigs breath in their own noxious gasses. I had just eaten sausage earlier in the day! My body was digesting fart meat. When I got home later that night I had finished the beginning portion of the book and I was petting my cat to sleep when nausea overcame me, and I ran to go puke. 

I was puking every hour until the morning, I had to call off work. Cool, I didn't have to work on new years eve.  Sadly, my body didn't expel what I speculate it was trying to: my breakfast, which is why I think it lasted until I finally took a poo. But I'm not a doctor, maybe I had a parasite or something. anyways. that put me on the warpath. The family had already planned chicken wings for new years eve and I had offered to buy, I still bought them, but I also picked out a bunch of random favorites out of the produce aisle to start my new diet. I even bought plant based ranch. Passing the meat and dairy made me gag, literally. I had already developed an acute disgust to animal products, half the battle is over, now I just have to figure out how to prepare vegetables into main dishes now, and throw out everything I know about having to have a meat at every meal “or it’s not a meal.” I tried to steam some artichoke I got 2 for 5, cut them up right, filled the pot with a little water, threw some garlic, rosemary, and a lemon wedge in there and put the lil steam rack in and stuck em in there for 40 mins, and they tasted like ass, I was disappointed they weren't the artichokes I remembered growing up. I gave up and snacked on cheerios and oat milk. When my grandma did make the wings I thought ah what the hell, one last kiss of the beak, they smelled so good I couldnt resist! but after only two wings, I could feel them settling in my stomach. ugh what did I just do! At least I ate it with the dairy free ranch, or else it would have felt even heavier. Since I had the wings so late, I was up until 3 am because I didn't want to go to sleep on a full stomach. 

Knowledge opened me up to a diet I never would've ever seen myself going for- especially cant see myself giving up sushi- but I know I have to try. Because I’ve been eating animal products and processed foods my entire life. I am so curious to know what it feels to have your body not running off of that crap- because I literally have no idea. What it feels like to be a healthy weight, have healthy skin, regulated moods, energy. To see if a shift in what I put in my body will cause even more things to change for me. Guess I’ll just have to find out. 

the main issue is ! that there are many issues! like....

1. its autumn/going into winter and i have since the tender age of liek 15 always always always got worse during winter like.. no matter what i do no matter the SAD lamps the WINTER SUN holidays.... i always jsut slow down i sleep n eat more i just feel lower sadder slower and like... if i was settled into a job im comf in and earning ite money this winter might be manageable cause im truly changed from last year and even year before that.... i can do sobriety now mostly.... however!!!! autumn/winter have come at the worst time because!!

2. I start my new job in 2 weeks which is gonna involve.... being on top form every day for at least a month.... meeting new ppl... remmebering things... being able to do things... ive never had a proper job liek this and esp one thats in the career i want to do so like.... im terrified! oh and only now it hit me... kinda excited i guess cause like... it might also be fun?? bc its what i wanna do ... interesting... but mainly. terrifying and i hate it and i wish i got it like start of summer when i was a fuckin... maniac with 1000% energy ... im v scared imma fuck it up or idk? jsut hate it? or not fit in or like whateve,r ... and i had non eof these fears in the summer cause guess what bitch i thought i was the SHIT and now am like ://// and this might be due to!

3. this stupid fucking break up with this emotionally stunted.... angry moody tterrible caricature of masculinity that i wasted like... 1.25 months on and left me feeling just kinda err shit about myself self conchesly even tho consciously i realise like.... im still good and itnersting and attractive but he er. made me feel not that ... but tbh i had the self esteem to acc leave him and thats kinda saying something... but also he fucked my fucking MONEY UP!! because!!

4. i had jsut started sugaring when i met him and was tbh happy with my arrangement and was having good emotionally unattached sex and not worrying about food or money or emotions and then i fuckijng had to cut my SD off bc this bitchass wanted to be excluuuuusive even tho tbh i never did and now i gotta like. go crawling back to my sd like i tbh told him i would but ive gained weight bc of SAD so i need to lose some weight before going back and like... tbh im rly not in emotionally stable state to go back rn feel like im on verge of breakdown all the time and wanna drink badly and also really badly not wanna drink and its all v hard because !!! its all !!! just small reasons when compared to the main reason everything is so hard!!!!!! 

literally how do u cope when ur bro is in the icu and you thought mb he’s getting better cause he was doing better on friday and stable on saturday but u phone the hosp this morning and he’s got a lung infection and the icu doc speciically said he sees a full recoery unless something out of the blue happens and then boom this happens!!! i was on the bus to work already p miserable and then that phone call and it was like... i kept welling up to cry and then just couldnt like id just choke i been crying for a couple days but i havent cried today and i can feel it already fucking me up but i honestly cant....... cry any more !!! i’m upping my sert dose a lil bit for the seasonal blues but also bc otherwise i might lose my damn mind lmfao 

one thing tho is. im keep being like wow err im really not emotionally mentally equipped to handle this like.. i was just about coping with it being winter and starting anew job and a break up from a kinda ... not to use the word but toxic relationship.... like iw as kinda ok...... unsteady and awkwar dbut ok. and then this stupid hospitalisation came and just!!! rocked my damn world!!! like it truly is .... how poor ppl can just about get by as long as nothing crazy happens... mental ppl and addicts who are doing better in general can jsut about get by with day to day hard things without like. something major happening.. cause noahfence this series of events would knock even a normal person down so like..... me... a humble addict borderline........ feels like i have v low chances.... and i think internalising that self-defeating language isn’t helping things and imma try be more upbeat tomorrow..... this is just... the sunday night talking hopefully... tho tbh i been sad for like.. 2 weeks now ... and dissociation level/super sad/mental since thursday so ! lets hope for some HOPE!

ok so like id be super down to hearabout your 4 pages worth of hcs???? and also after going through the prompt list i couldnt stop thinking about chansaw 26 possibly set in a sadder version of bored

i might write my headcanons down in a separate post soon, but in the meantime, prepare for angst. you asked for it, so i’m absolved of any guilt for any emotional distress.

26: Broken, as you clutch the sleeve of my jacket and beg me not to leave 

Chansaw

Veronica groaned as she pushed herself out of bed. Still a few hours before she had to leave. Might as well go early, since she didn’t have much time left to sleep. The extra hour wouldn’t be worth the interruption. She carefully walked to the bathroom, doing her best to navigate without her glasses. She made it to the bathroom without incident, somehow managed to put her contacts in without trouble, and grimaced at the amount of hickeys on her neck and shoulders. Heather had come to visit last night, and Veronica hadn’t been strong enough to tell her to leave.

This was getting old. It wasn’t sustainable. She kept getting worried looks from Betty and Martha, and she wasn’t sure if she’d be able to tell them she was alright and make it believable.

Grumbling to herself, she did her makeup, making sure to cover up the bite marks, and headed downstairs, pouring herself a cup of coffee and leaving. She knew she should be eating. She shouldn’t start skipping meals again. Veronica sighed, rooting through her bag for one of the granola bars she kept for when she couldn’t bring herself to eat more than a few bites of food.

Empty. Fantastic. She sighed and grabbed her bike, sending a quick text to Heather to let her know not to bother picking her up. She needed to clear her head.

The roads were clear enough this time of the morning that she was able to listen to music without worrying about being taken off guard by a car. She managed to somewhat improve her mood by the time she reached the school. If she could have gotten her morning run in, she would have felt even better, but she hadn’t been able to go jogging in a few weeks. She sighed as she parked her bike, fishing the bike lock out of her bag and locking it to the bike rack. She was starting to get restless, her body itching to run, or climb, or anything else to get rid of some of this energy.

On her way inside the school building, she noticed she was scratching at her arm. She grimaced, pulling her hand away from her wrist. She definitely needed to get some of her nervous energy out.

Nodding to herself, she wandered to the locker rooms, retrieving a tank top and a pair of shorts from her locker, as well as a beat up pair of purple and black running shoes, before changing and running out towards the track.

She grinned as she stretched by the shredded rubber of the track lanes, the chill of the wind sending a shiver through her that snapped her awake. She breathed in deeply, the clear air affording her a moment of contentment. This would be the perfect opportunity for her to clear her head.

With a practiced ease, she tied her hair back in a low ponytail, untangled her headphones, and plugged them into her phone, pressing play on her exercise playlist and starting off at a slow jog, gradually picking up speed until she reached a comfortable pace.

She ran until the songs blurred together and she could no longer bring herself to care what the lyrics were. She ran until her legs burned from the exertion and her face was slick with sweat.

She slowed her pace until she was walking at a leisurely pace in lane 8, pausing her playlist and just listening to the sounds of her surroundings until she caught her breath. She soon walked off the track, walking back towards the school to shower and reapply her makeup.

She showered quickly and spent a few minutes redoing her makeup before she deemed herself presentable and emotionally ready to face the day, before finally leaving the locker room and making her way to one of her favorite places.

The band room was full of kids finishing up with early morning marching band practice. Veronica grinned, silently making her way to where Betty sat, cleaning her trombone while Martha sorted through their music.

Veronica waited patiently until they’d both put their equipment away before greeting them. “What’s up?”

Martha turned around, grinning from ear to ear. “Morning, Veronica! What are you doing here so early?”

Veronica shrugged. “Woke up early and figured I’d come here early to get some exercise in. You guys were on the other practice field, right?”

Betty nodded, her own smile more restrained than Martha’s, but no less glad to see Veronica. “Yup. How have you been? We haven’t seen you in a while.”

Veronica frowned. “You uh, remember that thing I had with Courtney?”

“Yeah?” Martha’s brow furrowed in confusion. “What about it?”

“I may  have entered a similar arrangement with someone I actually have feelings for, and it may or may not have been a bad idea,” Veronica admitted.

Betty huffed. “Honestly, if they can’t appreciate you, then none of the Heathers deserve to be with you.”

Veronica chuckled. “It wouldn’t be so bad if I just could stop having feelings for her.”

“That’s how it is sometimes,” Betty shrugged.

Veronica nodded. “I just needed to tell someone, and I know you won’t judge me for being an idiot.”

Betty laughed. “That’s because we expect it at this point.”

Veronica stuck out her tongue at Betty. “Whatever. I’ll talk to you two later. Heather’s gonna want to yell at me for riding my bike here instead of letting her show off how generous she is for picking me up.”

Betty scoffed. “What do you see in her, anyways?”

Veronica sighed wistfully. “Something that might not even be there anymore.”

Veronica groaned as she got off her bike and went inside the house.

Heather hadn’t yelled, strangely enough. Rather, she’d just looked at her with an expression Veronica couldn’t read and told her to do whatever she liked.

Veronica thought she knew how to deal with this. She thought she could be okay with what she had.

A knock sounded from the front door, and Veronica huffed, before opening it to reveal-

“Heather,” Veronica said, “I wasn’t expecting company.”

Heather frowned. “What’s up with you lately?”

Veronica shrugged. “Just haven’t been feeling well. It’s nothing.”

Heather scoffed. “Don’t lie to me. You’ve been avoiding me.”

Veronica wasn’t honestly expecting her to catch on so quickly.

“Yeah, I was,” she sighed.

“Why?”

Veronica didn’t have time to answer before her dad’s voice piped up behind her.

“Veronica! Feel like helping your dear old dad with the plants?”

Veronica sighed with relief, turning to answer. “I’ll be there in a second!” She turned back to Heather, her expression neutral. “You want to come in?”

Heather frowned, but didn’t refuse. Veronica shrugged, before turning to walk out towards the back yard. Heather followed until they reached the back porch.

The garden took up most of the yard, with plants of nearly every type scattered about. They were all very obviously well cared for, and as Heather watched Veronica pick up a set of work gloves, she realized there was still so much to learn about Veronica.

“Ah, Heather! Good to see you again!” Veronica’s dad beamed.

Heather blinked. “Nice to see you again too, Mr. Sawyer.”

He sent Veronica an amused look, before turning back to the garden.

“We need to get everything ready before winter.”

Veronica nodded, and the two were soon engrossed in making sure the garden would be ready for them to start planting once spring arrived.

Veronica and her dad returned to the kitchen a few hours later, joking and laughing and looking thoroughly exhausted.

Veronica grinned at her mom, who was standing over the stove, cooking. “What’s cooking mom?”

“Spaghetti, your favorite,” She said, smiling at Veronica.

“Is it okay if Heather stays for dinner?”

Veronica’s mom nodded after a moment. “Absolutely! Now, you and your father should go wash up, and then I expect you both to help set the table.”

Veronica nodded and raced up the stairs. All in all, today wasn’t so bad.

Heather sat awkwardly at the dinner table, making polite, if awkward, conversation with Veronica’s dad.

“I have to say,” Mrs. Sawyer said, “It’s good to see you girls are talking again. When Veronica told us the two of you had had a falling out, we were worried she might not bounce back.”

“What do you mean?” Heather asked.

“Well, the two of you were just about inseparable until third grade,” Mr. Sawyer said, “You were the only  person she’d talk to. She’s always been such an anxious girl. She only used sign language for a long time.”

Mrs. Sawyer laughed. “I remember the two of you would spend hours just learning how to sign with each other. You’re probably the best friend she ever had.”

Veronica had gone silent. She stared down at her food, not touching it despite being almost ravenous just a minute ago.

“I… hadn’t realized we used to be friends,” Heather admitted. “I thought we’d only just met this year.”

Mrs. Sawyer frowned. “That’s odd. You used to spend so much time here, one might think we had two kids instead of one.”

Heather looked over at Veronica, whose gaze hadn’t lifted.

“May I be excused?” Veronica asked. “I’m not feeling too well.”

“Of course,” Mrs. Sawyer said, “Go on up to your room and rest. We’ll take care of the dishes.”

“Thanks,” Veronica said, pushing her chair in and retreating to the kitchen.

Veronica was expecting her parents to just send Heather off with an extra serving of food and that would be the end of it.

She was surprised to instead see Heather Chandler bursting into her room a few minutes later.

“You never told me we used to be friends.”

Veronica shrugged. “You never asked. I figured it was best forgotten.”

Heather frowned. “What’s going on with you? First you’re avoiding me, then this? What’s going on, Ronnie?”

“Don’t,” Veronica growled. “Do not call me that.”

Scary as Veronica’s anger was, Heather didn’t back down. “Tell me what’s going on.”

Veronica groaned. “I can’t do this anymore! When you said you just wanted a casual relationship like what I had with Courtney, I thought I could handle it! I thought it could be enough! But I’m still too in love with you to so much as look at you without it hurting!”

Heather’s eyes widened. “You-”

“And it’s awful because I want so much more than to just be your casual makeout buddy! I want to take you on dates, and hold your hand, and all that mushy, stupid crap! But more than any of that, I want my friend back, but it’s like the Heather Chandler I fell in love with doesn’t even exist!” Veronica sighed, pressing her hands to her face. “Just go.” Her tone was weak, defeated, yet it allowed no room for argument.

Heather reached out, her hand holding tight to the arm of Veronica’s sweatshirt. “I-”

“Go!” Veronica shouted. “Forget I said anything! Forget me too, while you’re at it! You’re good at that.”

“I love you,” Heather whispered pleadingly.

Veronica stiffened. “It’s too little too late, Heather. Just leave.”

Heather stared for a moment, before sighing and walking out of Veronica’s bedroom, closing the door softly behind her.

Veronica collapsed back into her desk chair and let out a heavy sigh. She’d finally done it. She broke off her arrangement with Heather.

Somehow, it didn’t feel as freeing as she’d expected.

The following is part of a post i made on DA shortly before my bday- Thought i should put it here for- my friends who arent on DA, but are on here- so.. yeah- full version of this is on my 16th birthday acknowledgement deviation post description- Along with theee rest of my life before now

TW; Im- talking about my experience of suicidal thoughts, ideation and- planning. What lead up to it, and the results. What helped me out of it, and where i am now- Im okay for the time being, i dont have any plans to kill myself anymore- soo... yeah- 

This year has been better than last with events, but hasnt been mental health-wise. Life somewhat teased a repeat of my last year, many- many times- but didnt. Yet. Dear god i hope it doesnt repeat- But the fear of a repeat has left me distracted from school. The first quarter went well, but the second went to shit almost immediately. i fell behind on school...really badly. I was still doing some homework, but couldnt focus on it very long. I was going through my days without really living them; going to classes, only to not pay attention, and to watch youtube all the way until bed. Maybe i'd draw some too. When december rolled around i decided i was going to get back on track during winter break. I had about...17 overdue at the time, so this wasnt an unreasonable goal. "Im going to do a few assignments a day. I have more than a week to do this, so i'll still have plenty of free time"...and then every single one of my classes assigned essays the week before winter break. Something about me is that.. i cant focus in reading something im not 1. reading for myself and 2. have no interest in. I just cant. I have to listen to it being read, or i have to find SOMETHING to motivate me. And all of these essays had a reading passage to go with them...and i- broke... The class sessions i was supposed to be working on the essays, i was having panic attacks and breakdowns instead. On top of this, i was being hit with memories of my childhood my brain had shut away- and i was having another gender identity crisis- And eventually this...lead to the suicidal thoughts. At some point they got so loud that i couldnt focus on anything else, but the thoughts- and these thoughts persisted for days until i started- thinking of a plan... at first it was just- thinking of how i would do it- just to get the thought to quiet down a little so i could finally distract myself- but distracting only goes so far... First i was only going to live out until christmas, but then i thought it'd be a waste to not live out christmas break- and i hadnt written anything to say goodbye, so i pushed the date until January 4th, so i could live the last week of my life in peace, and then die. For once in my life my procrastination actually benefited me, because when that date came, i realized i hadnt remembered to think of how to do the act, and also hadnt written anything. So... i pushed the date to the end of the semester...January 25th. I started writing to all my friends, because i couldnt think of just one letter for all of them.. i had something different to say to everyone- Then i lost the energy to write, and planned on recording an audio clip for each person, which would also save them the effort of reading- I has also written out an apology to my friend's parents, covering all my bases, and planned on recording audio for that too, so my tone couldn't be misinterpreted... It was around this point that i joined a few discord servers to help keep myself occupied, while completely neglecting my homework, and- this becomes important in a sec... The last step of planning for me was to figure out the best way to...die- I decided that- slitting my wrist- would be easiest, and would allow greater chance at survival if i changed my mind last minute, than the other options i was considering... One night, i couldnt sleep so i figured it wouldnt hurt to figure out how much pressure i'd need to apply to- do what's needed- but i didnt get very far and realized that this method wouldnt work and had to rework my plan. This was just a few nights before i met my new friends in one of the discord servers- When talking to these people, i was able to relax and- be at peace for once. And i started to feel my need to die...fading- it was still there, because i was scared of the consequences of not doing my schoolwork for so long- One of these nights, i ended up slipping off a clue to one of them that something is wrong when we were the only ones on vc- which worried him- and i cracked, and told him what's going on, lying a bit so he wouldnt worry. A few days later, my mom found out about my 27+ overdue assignments, and her reaction was WAAYYYYY more mild than i thought it'd be- which- gave me no more reason to die so the plans went to the dumpster, less than a week before they were to be carried out- She didnt make me do the assignments, she just told me to do better this semester. As soon as January 25th came, relief swept over me and for the first time in an entire month, i could fully relax... i wanted to cry from how much relief i was feeling lol the following week, i took to just take it easy, tho a lot of my teachers were starting to talk goals for this semester which- overwhelmed me a lot, because i was only just starting to think about what i wanted to do the next day- the week had a light homework schedule, so i didnt fall behind either, which is good! The week after that, aka last week, i was starting to build myself back up. Still wasnt attending all my classes, and wasnt paying attention in them, but did most of my homework. I have a few assignments to make up already, but thats okay, because im still trying to put myself back together, and i know i need to take it slow- This week, im still trying to get back on my feet but im starting to create goals now, and taking baby steps. Not thinking about goals for graduating yet, just about this quarter. This month even lol Im not going to worry about the assignments im missing just yet, but my goal is to make sure i get all my work in this quarter, even if its unfinished, or really really late. "Submitting something and getting points knocked is better than submitting nothing and getting a 0" is something my mom told me... and i want to make that my motto for this semester. Start everything, and submit everything, even if it isnt finished. Now, i still plan on apologizing to my friend's parents, but i need to fully move on from what happened in january first. I'll need to rewrite the script first too, because looking at it causes a feeling of dread and- upsetness?

16.5 years old kitty cat dental work

My 16.5 year old cat just had her very first dental work done on Jan 29, 2020. It was a very difficult decision to make because the vet warned me the possible risks and it was not an absolutely necessary procedure. However, I know my cat needs dental work. Her breath stinks, she has a lot of tartar on her molars and she complains when she eats dry food. Another vet already told me that years ago when she was ~12, but I didn’t have the money and I didn’t trust the vet enough.

Now that she’s 16 and healthy according to her blood work and her general state, and I have enough money to afford the dental work, I decided it would be a good thing to do on a long term. She might live to 20+ and it would be riskier to undergo the surgery at that time. I did excessive researched online, reading people’s experiences and I even watched a full feline dental work video on YouTube to educate myself. I hesitated till the day before the surgery, but I decided there would be more pros than cons (apart from the big con of losing her).

I brought her in on Jan 29. @ 12pm, signed all the paperwork and talked all my concerns to the vet tech who assured me that they will keep me updated throughout the process. The clinic called me around 1:30pm telling me that instead of 2-3 teeth extractions, it would be 11 😱😱!!! Apparently there’s a lot of bone loss and she even has a slightly fractured lower jaw!! I asked if there was a more conservative option and extract less teeth, but they told me that it was already the conservative decision. I gave them my consent with a heavy heart. I immediately did more researches online and with all the bad experiences I read, I decided to call them back and get more info about increased level of risks and anesthesia time, etc. I was super surprised that when I called them back 30min later, the vet tech told me that they were almost all done with the extractions and will soon wake my kitty up from anesthesia! Sure enough, in about 30min, they did call me back saying everything went really well and my baby is awake!

I went back to pick her up at 6:30pm and got all my post-op instructions and her buprenorphine pain meds. The tech warned me that the cat may be disoriented when she gets home and might not have an appetite for tonight. She also showed me the X-rays which were pretty interesting to learn. When I got out of the room with the vet tech, I bumped into the vet who admitted to me that he was slightly worried doing that surgery because of my cat’s age and the risks with anesthesia. But in the end it all went well and he even showed me a video of her fractured jaw. They didn’t suture the fracture because it was minor and asymptomatic, and he said the bones will probably fuse back together.

When I got home, my cat immediately became more active and wants to get out of her cage. She was so excited to get out that she did walk funny tilting to the left side for a few steps haha. It happened 2x that she kinda fell to the side while walking, and once as she was looking up at me 😂. But after those 3 “drunk” incidents, she didn’t have trouble walking straight. Also, the moment she got home, she wanted FOOD!!! She literally ate nonstop for 30min, and I mean that! I couldnt take her head out of her bowl so she can take a little break! She ate super messy too, dug her paw into the food and splashing it everywhere like a messy baby! I guess she was too high on the drugs 😂. After that massive feast, she still wanted food. She ate on-off for another hour and finally calmed down. However, she didn’t sleep until 1am (when I had to sleep). Her eyes were wide open, pupils dilated (due to anesthesia), and she didn’t close her eyes for a second. The next day, she was a lot more normal. She enjoyed the sun and ate like a champ. The 2nd day post-op was pretty normal too according to my mom who “cat-sat” her. However, I did notice that her ears are flatter since day 2 post-op as if she’s afraid or angry, but she’s not. She would still purr loudly as I stroke her head and show me her “cute moves”. Day 3 post-op (today) is still the same, flat low ears, apart from that she’s eating normally and pretty happy in general 😕. Today is her last day on her pain meds so we’ll see how tomorrow goes.

I am super grateful of the whole vet team and the good skills of the vet ❤️. He did have a great review online and it is well deserved. I followed him from the clinic where he worked at to the brand now clinic he opened himself. I have seen many other vet before him and I loved his work ethics since day 1. He is honest, patient, doesn’t push unnecessary procedures and he listens.

I will give another update in 2 weeks after her post-op follow-up 😊

*** update on Feb 23 ***

My baby’s doing really well 😺. On her 2 weeks post-op visit, the vet tech said she had to be on soft food for another week because she had 11 teeth pulled out and there’s lots of stitches in her mouth, but the wounds healed very well, no any signs of inflammation. The sutures were still very present, but apparently they can take up to a month to fully dissolve. I followed the instructions and she’s not had any problems eating dry food since the day I introduced her back to it! I started softly brushing her teeth yesterday because it’s important to maintain her beautiful white teeth now, ain’t it! Haha. There are still some sutures in her mouth today, but it seems like most of them are gone!

The biggest change I noticed is that her breath is fresh now! When I give her kitty kisses, she doesn’t smell like a stinky cat anymore :) Another change is that her tongue would stick out quite frequently. She used to have a tiny bit of her tongue out because she only has one bottom incisor left and I guess there’s nothing to block her tongue from sticking out. But now since one of the lower canine got extracted, her tongue would stick out quite a lot (well at least visibly, not to the point a dog would) and even when I pull or play with her tongue, she would just let it hang out lol. Last night and tonight, she even adventures outside! She has wanted to go out for about a year now, but she had never gotten any further than the front door, but she actually stepped out and even went down the stairs today!! She is also having more energy at night and wants me to play with her. I guess her body doesn’t have to fight with the constant toothache anymore and she has energy to do other things!

Overall I’m super happy that I made the decision of doing the dental work. I’m sharing this hoping my experience would help other pet owners to make their decision because it’s not easy and we don’t always get the best advice from some less honest vets.

I guess is time to a heart to heart with the void... I need to spill it before I end up suffocatting

Well, I really like my job. I love to work with the decoration of cakes.

But the problem is that I’m so stressed rn. I feel that I’ll have an ulcer problem any moment. There’s plenty of reasons to stress me out I guess, what just burst the bubble and made as miserable as I’m rn was trying to talk with my boss this week, he basically not visualized any of my texts about payment(I sent a few other texts that he did visualized... until I talked about money) - I’m still trying to receive for last week, as in the one that ended with the month of November but I have been ignored and made a fool of. 

Let’s start from the beggining...My boss sucks at math, so hard. 

Bc of that he ended up paying me less that he should several weeks in a row, I was too shy and embarassed so it took me some time to muster the courage to tell him this. I showed him my math and he told me he would pay it, but it had to be little by little under the radar of his husband bc he would be super mad if knew about it - his husband is a super correct man, they also fight often for anything that my boss do wrong (even if is a small and silly thing) - and my boss wanted to avoid any fights, I was ok with it, I didn’t want to cause any problems to my boss or their relationship

His husband owns part of the business and by now helps him with the finances (he didnt before, but as I said my boss is really bad at math, he’s also very into spending uncontrollably), so it went like... when my boss received in money he gave me part of it to pay for what he own me. We not often receive anything in money, but I don’t really care about taking time to receive it (not a problem with that), there’s a few months by now and I still have to receive part of it.

Another problem my boss have is paying us in time, sometimes we go two weeks without receiving before we see any payment (we receive every week for the week before, in theory). He always ended up doing a full circus when he dont pay us, he says he already made the deposity several times, “it must have bounced back”, “Oh I was going to do, but I got distracted with *insert smt here* or wtv, there is always smt. He end up paying, but the stress of uncertainty and with the excuses being repeated over and over until it happens is super tiring, I wish he would just be direct and tells as it is. Tell me that you’re waiting receiving for something or that you’re busy and had no time (and do it in front of me instead of pretending u’re doing it but closing it before really doing it) or that you do have the money but you’ll need it to pay for the things we’ll need that week to do the cakes so you’ll have to delay the paying a little. It’s okay. I would understand any of it, but the full circus round around and game he makes is so stress indulcing, and we feel so bad for asking again... we keep bouncing to one another who will ask next about it. It must be stressing to him too.

okay, so I have been there done that a bunch of times, but he literally didnt open a single message I sent about it this week and he gave me the entire off, but he couldn’t tell me it directly, no,that would have been too easy I guess.

He told me I would only have to go from Thursday to saturday so he would tell his husband I worked and write off part of the debt - okay not a problem. 

Then Wednesday he told me that I should go from Friday and he would write off more of the debt - okaaaay I guess. I wish he had told me before so I wouldnt have stayed in home to avoid be too tired the next day at work (I work standing all day and I’m extra fat rn so I didn’t want to play with my luck) 

Friday I wake up extra early, I didn’t want to get there late. I did all I had to do to go to work, waited to be half hour before my time to be there and sent a text asking if I had to get there the same time as always or if he had changed the time (he do it often) he calls me (still not visualizing any of my messages bc it would mean he had seen the ones about the payment) “Gabi you dont have to come. You’re not working this week.”, “You wont come until I have paid all my debt to you”. - Are you fucking kidding me?! Like he could have told me it from the begging. Like duuuuude, I did nothing all week because I didn’t want to have a strain or sore muscle and I said no to go to see my friend because I would have to sleep there and I couldn’t bc I had to work in the morning. I could have resolved so many things that I didn’t because I was so scared to be too sore to work. I have to paint a few rooms in my house. I have to buy some heavy stuff that my mom could have paid and later I would pay her, but I would to have to get them to the house by foot and go all the stair flights with it bc there’s no elevator in my building... well I had to solve a bunch of things. And here he is playing around with me. He not only not visualized my texts, but he ignored my calls (I only spoke with him this week when he called me), and rn I have no money, I couldnt pay a bus fare if I needed one. I tried to talk with him, but he ignored me, I even went to his house and he didn’t answered the door... I’m not sure if he was there tho... but my coworker says that is obvious he was bc of all the windows open when we’re having rain almost every day at some point (we work at his house, I didnt just randomly went to his house liker that).

The thing is the week was super stressing, his atittude was super not okay and I’m so exhausted. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I dont have structure to deal with that dude. Man up and own your bullshit please. I’m too tired for this. I’m too depressed for this. And I’m definetly not that hard to talk with, just talk with me straight instead and let’s be cool about it. Don’t give me twenty different answers and watch me squirm like this. 

Boy I so dont have structure to adulting. 

I’m not prepared to the world.

I can’t deal with it... and by it I mean anything.

I’m just one drop away from get suicidal ... over work lol.

I’m completely drained.

I feel like garbage.

And I can’t even muster enough energy to eat or drink water like a normal person.

Seriously, does living really worth having to deal with things? all of them? 

yes here you go

  Workcrew immediately for incompletion of the run is common for new kids and previous strugglers. Workcrew is named so because it makes u do nothing because u cant do something so instead of WORKing on something because u suck at that you literally work doing nothing. You have to work to keep yourself entertained. Work to keep yourself from going insane looking at that orange peel textured wall. Yikes. work to not fucking freeze too jesus fucking christ fuck whoever controlled the thermostat. just saying. Sure they didnt know or didnt care but fuck them for that. anyway. After the run you come inside go back to ur room if ur not on workcrew you chill for a few minutes while the chef is done cooking for the entire facility. Obvisouly being on wprl crew You dont eat whatever everyone else eats they work they get reward u no work no reward. oats and water and those fucking goddamn apples. fuck They're probably eating some kickass breakfest burrito or A nice blue berry muffin with yogurt. actually I know and still know the food schedule for breakfest and lunch for everyday of the week. It hardly change and very slightly if ever. So i knew what I could've been eating worst part about it is they eat literally inches from you. Your back facing them listening to them eat and salvate smelling all the condiments and fresh bacon. Waiting patiently for all the other students to finish their meals and wash their dishwear and go to their rooms only after do they. Give you your W/C meal. Oats and water fuck me. The worst part about it was after awhile I got so skinny that parker had me start eating a bowl of oatmeal with every meal this is when i was doing decently well but still being full of shit just not as much. But the worst part was I got 2 bowls of it while all other w/c got 1 And i started to even like it. Almost as if my taste buds had adapted over awhile to enjoy the oats. fuck those apples tho sometimes they were a 3 out of 10. best compliment I can give there sorry not sorry. anyway eat ur meal. its time for group. Group is when the entire facility all families and w/c and parker the director sit down commonly in a circle with parker in a chair and the students on the floor but before I left They had been consistently all in the life timechairs except parker who stood at the front of the main room with the students in a movie theatur like fashion without the leveled tiers obviously. but in order of w/c to family 1-5 so work crew being at the very front right feet from parker. During group we would review issues regarding anything and i mean anything wrong with the facility or the students and staff inside of it. It is encouraged and heavily peer supported to tell on each other and to work on themselves and not let anybody even other students or roomates get in your way. WORK ON YOURSELF by Sourrounding yourself with people on the same mission as you and who do the things to suggest they are going to continue to stay on that mission was a huge message that was pushed in a variety of ways at liahona. through team building exercises, group discussion and definitely confrontation. It is common for students to lash out when they're new. Probably cause they're from California and think these motherfuckers cant do shit to me im a minor. Think again, welcome to Southern buttfuck nowhere Literally sand mountains mars-looking Hurricane Utah. Body slam ur bitchass for acing outta line. Talking back blatent disrespect and obviously anything suggesting possilbe physical or verbal outbreak resulted in a restaint. Most staff would warn u like chill out orim gonna put u on the ground. And you'd get in trouble just for that. Sometimes even a little more secretly I think for not following through. but maybe not considering its a change in behavior. im sure it could be situational. Regardless. back to the story. group typically lasted an hour or so sometimes would watch a documentary afterwards sometimes even a movie however those became quite rare as the students or cycle in. Called generations of students. I was the last of my generation for a good amount of time towards the end of my stay at liahona. Depressing very much so. Watching people who go there a year after u graduate before you. U began to believe those insecurities more and more. and if you have struggle throughout your life with putting negative energy in the universe in the form of speech by conversion of energy to your body which is apart of the universe. i know alittle hard to follow but bear with me and try your best. After group you'd either get on or off of work crew based on how well u did at nothing and the little something u do such as workouts the morning run how u address staff members how even how frequent you use the bathroom to see if ur trying to get up. What was cool at Liahona was doing what you were told. being obiedient at all times immediately and when you do fuck up take the mistake and turn it into success instead of letting it slow you down as a failure. With such a poor mindset at Liahona especially towards the middle of my stay. I stayed at level 1 for 16 months. Probably a record not really a bragging thing tho. The point is I sucked at being a normal ass human. Full of attitude and was disobiedent with little to no respect given off the bat to any adult. Like I was the shit... When you're the shit you don't have the same problems that people who arent the shit have correct. So tying all the way back to the hospital metaphor with my secret broken leg. Honestly was probably secret to me as receiving the injuries throughout critical young developmental stages. I had alot of problems being honest because I was the shit and the shit wasnt supposed to be doing all this disgusting and sad. self demeaning outragous nasty stuff. thats all im gonna say. currently. im not ready to open up about my full past for i feel currently it lays at rest where it belongs until decieded otherwise by me. Now.. where were me. I was the shit. after coming out with stuff half assed in anattempt to still look kinda like the shit. they caught me on my bullshit and I spilled the beans. No longer was I the shit. I was shit. They broke me down emotionally. Making me write my story over and over again my entire life all the things I had ever done wrong. Each time I either came out with something new or changed something becasue everything I told my therapist was true but skewed and I lost track of my story. I had fucked myself and they gave me the rope to do it because they wanted me to earn my coniquences no have them given to me based on a hunch. I fucked myself. and unfortunately it was just he beginning for my emotional workouts. For the next two years. I trecked on. Fast forward july 2016 Im level 4 shadowing a new student with a level 3. us three since we are shadowing can talk in the room about rules only and how to teach them. while having our responsibilities with the quote aswell. at this point I could memorize anything. Memorized some crazy shit honestly wish that the content of the quote was more useful in a sense of remembering important things. or things that are commonly remembered by some idk. the point is we were aloud to talk about rules only. this didnt stay over time after me doing well getting to level fucking 4 this was huge for me and I had gotten comfortable and complacent in my position halting any further actions towards bettering myself everyday. exactly what they don't want you to do. We ended up flying our shadow solo which means hes a level one and we cant talk to him anymore and its cbo. basically hes in the big leagues now. But the level 3 and the other roommate who wasnt aloud to talk but was in the room while we shadowed the new student literally everyday for a month or two. And we all started breaking CBO together. basically we literally talked. about any and everything. Eventually getting comfortable doing that after a week or so couldnt have been too much longer than a week or two before guess who our same shadowed new student turns us in... Just like we had taught him to do. He was rewarded heavily. This was 1 july 2016. the 4th was parkers fav holiday does a shit ton of fun shit for everybody and everybody can talk water balloon fights watermelon eating contest hot dogs play basketball freely. fucking board games bro straight up. I had been at Liahona at this time for 2 about to be 3 Fourth of julys at Liahona and they just got better and better problem was I spent all 3 on work crew. top that off I spent all of July and into August on workcrew. It started off as suicide watch run risk and do nothing. literally as worse at it got. You can use the bathroom and sit in this chair. and you can sleep on this mattress with the fans and AC on with no blankets or pillows. So It stayed like that for  a week. Miserable completely miserable. I had finally started doing well got to level fucking four and im on work crew do nothing sui watch run risk and Ive been here for two years sleeping in the commons with no blanket or pillows shivering. Ill still never forget that day parker said I could choose to have a blanket or a pillow. FUCK U THINK? blanket. ez. I was literally giggling with joy that night under its warmth. That whole month slowly and slowly got increasingly easier on work crew and I didnt know why I was even still on It'd been a fucking month this was august 1st. The next day august 2nd 2016 Parker comes in and tells me im finally leaving. This was a really big day for me and brings to me currently some very strong emotions of relief and regret. For I hadn't completely wasted my time at Liahona but then again I typically in the past back then never completed anything. And honestly that is one of my bullshit things that I say to myself. and still have some belief in for good reason to gain perspective from it. Because unfortunately there are things in this world that are bad but also true. Thats just the way things work. There is good in bad and bad in good always. It may be hard to find or the pros out weigh the cons or vice versa. I see the bad, me not taking very good advantage at all of what Liahona had to offer for me at all times. However still gaining from it which is good aswell of course. But the bad being I did waste alot of my time. Now am I completely to blame for the duration of my time there. Yes because I made the decisions that led to me having to be there longer. honestly cause I needed to be there longer. Maybe a slight tiny bit of blame on my father for neglect to anextent of course when it came to life rules and making sure I know and remember them. But at the end of the day I kept myself on the wall and I have taken responsibility and if I havent i will now. I fucked up at liahona and I caused myself to be there for aslong as I was obviously not intentionally but for some reason. Cause I hated myself and nobody felt bad for me. I nolonger desire that attention. Because I know that If that attention is given to me in the quantity desired and by the form of attention inwhich idesired. Would inturn keep me immature as im hiding and nesting away from my feelings rather than pour them out and release the hate and sadness because its no good. it does no good besides grant perspective both to yourself and others. I never brag about giving to the homeless. Truly the reason I bring it up is because I may not have been homeless for very long or hadn't been homeless without atleast a couch or a garage to sleep in. But after enduring just that water down verison of being homeless. I know they need that damn money more than I do. Im not going to be unreasonable and give him everything I have on my card. but typically I give them at the minimum a cig if they want one and a conversation just cause people need to talk to people. whether they're drunk or not sad or happy talking turns our feelings into reality based on what you desire long term and short term almost combined in a way. You can switch up long term desires such as careers and lifestyles however it is not recommended. However also if you are still in a somewhat content mindset settling for like85 percent full on ur content scale. And this is what you need a little change up. Then by all means switch but keep the short term desires because those need to work first. Before you even decide what you want from life and ur existance ask yourself am I happy? If you are not atleast somewhat content with who you are an individual currently. You need to follow what I told you earlier. You need to dig deep in your heart and soul and mind. Focus on the center of your chest. thats where i feel my soul communicate to me. And i search it with my mind sending inquizitive thoughts to it for its response. Your body is a rosetta stone in a way for literal human communication (speech) and the vibrations of the universe. And vice versa. your body picks up things from the universe and world that it tells u. Maybe gut feelings? Hunches? A strong feeling for no reason??? EVERYTHING HAS A REASON. And if it isn't this than prove it to me. It proves itself and you can try it for yourself. Find contentment in your preplanned manifestation that we call "The Universe" by recognizing both your current insignificance in the real world possibly currently or maybe never; never in your mind atleast. But also your significance in how much control you have just because of what fucking species you are and all the things you can learn. Know you have significance because this is your world and you already chose how your life is going to end. What will last for you what won't. Because somebody (you u idiot) set it up to happen that way. Say you think im full of shit and just crazy. Let me ask you.... Lets just say for shits and giggles then, that you are God/ superior being so to speak. And you created everything we have ever known. Planets, plants, rocks .people communication, every conversation. EVERY FUCKING EVERYTHING WAS MADE BY YOU. so with that in mind given that and the vast amount of knowledge that comes with some power.literally unimaginable because we cant EVEN FUCKING COMPREHEND it.  ie You as God know that all good must have evil. So you realize large world thats actually rather small in comparison to alot of other fucking planets. Maybe it makes some people feel inferior maybe it turns people towards hate. But you decieded we're going to make a little safe haven whenthis random motherfucker wants to see if the world is flat. Killed all the indians. negative. USA positive. Rev war possibly hardcore karma for killing indians unlikely but it always is anyways. we win rev war Now we are free. Put Lepesh in free nation in 1999. He reconizes the power of the mind body and soul combined in the trinity. And wants to spread the message that you too can be happy. the suffering can end. Ive been diagonosed with depression add adhd odd ocd ptsd abcd u fucking name it. And they made a killing off of my parents. Granted I was a very problematic child so they started taking me in at a young age. over time with people telling me whats wrong with me. Yeah ima tell them to fuck off cause Im living the life i want to live. I may not know the consiquences are for me choosing to live like such. But I will and When I do I will weild that power given to me in knowledge and spread to you my wisdom. Speech isnt the only way to manifest things into your reality. Any human contact that can be described by and spoken with our apparently primitive words of any language. YOU MUST MEAN HOW YOU FEEL  Currently this is my world and universe because I value very few things about myself in the grand scheme of everything. Given that wouldn't I want the one thing I value a great deal to succeed and fulfill his dreams and have a goodass life? So thats what this mindset program will do. Others will use it becuase their kids are driving them up the walls and they just can't do it anymore. They're about to throw in the towel and don't know what to do anymore. Maybe its for somebody looking for love and they need to realize that u literally must love urself first. You cannot give what you donot already have. Unless you promiss to give which is an entire other problem in itself given that you can never give the love you want to give because you must find it for yourself by dedicating large amounts of time to yourself over time which you cannot do if ur constantly giving your feeling of infatuation and potential 'promise love' IE I promise you one day Ill love you but right now I cant cause I dont love myself. But I promise I will love myself but u wont. U simply wont. Until you learn your worth which by the fucking way bro. straight the fukc up listen. By the way. you decide your worth. The way you decide to change your worth is by finding the opposing core belief about urself the angelic side the white fluffy this is who I truly am side. The I wanna die fuck everything not even worth it this world isnt worth bringing anybody into is bullshit. However nesscessary for a short period for perspective and experiential sake. Bullshit. You manifested bullshit told to you over time in different ways. almost like taking pieces of gum out from underneath tables accorss every resturant you go through for example ur entire life. making a big ball of gross bullshit told to you in the forms of verbal abuse sexual physical. just bullshit. Best thing about bullshit is that it is always bad. The only good in the bad of bullshit is that it give great perspective and it helps this rant lol. Anyways, Realize that angelic force you hold and listen to your mind and heart tell you what you already know. and put it into action by reminding yourself about it as much as possible until its all you really think about. You'll notice key changes in yourself. Keep in mind these some of these effects happened immediately some over time some after forgetting my worth some during forgetting my worth.For myself after finding myself again focusing on the bullshit that isnt true. Radical difference in hesitation to speak to people. and to even what im going to speak. I used to care about everything and project that I care about nothing. It was fucking stupid sad and pretty pathetic actually. very sad now that I think about it. Pretending almost in a way. Sag my pants wear dark and almost shady clothing. ears pierced, quit sports, smoke weed, everything to say I don't give a fuck about anything at all ever and never will. I did it and said it. Of course with periods of absolute disbelief and saddness for I knew the whole time I was living a bullshit fabricated lie that directly stemmed from my self esteem issues and uncertainty in myself and the universe. Im very grateful for my current state of being however unsober. very very helpful and a clear message from myself that I believe I know what I need to do. Or what I want to do. But how? Im not worried about why because Its impossible and highly unlikely that the reason presents itself so early. And so it has before but many a few times and such a long time inbetween instances its almost radical to gamble on such things. Might aswell waste my time doing jack shit sitting on the fucking wall for no reason. Im going to end this in the same fashion I started it to an extent. Unexpected and unrehearsed and will summarize in steps how use this Mindset Program I designed to help those capable enough to over come depression and treat general unhappiness with the combined power of your heart mind and soul. Idk but i wasnt specifically planning on making a book for financial gain although it was a large contributing factor. and I as I sit here and think about what I typed it doesn't matter. Because regardless of what happens I wanted it to so it will in the exact way I want it to effect me. if at all idk if i will lol. Crazy man lifes a trip. I need money and i dont deserve it but I can say confidently currently right this moment I would spend my money according to what I desire in the long term. And it would help me start that journey so I may learn more. and continue to better myself as an individual everyday. or  at the very least do something that shows im a good person. In this world you have to keep your guard up not always but typically a great majority of the time. Given that, it's not hard to see why nobody trusts anybody on anything anymore. For a long time and still to this day a vast majority of humans have and will continue to act good but do bad consistently. They have simply been worshiping there bullshit thoughts. The best thing you can do for such a person who has potentially lost all hope. Or is on that path or near the end of it. Let that person know you love them. Only do so if you mean what you say tho. If you mean the words and they are looking at you when you say it. They will straight the fuck up feel your love. Might not be a fucking serotonin shot but its a little love that they will feel and remind them. Its never too late to change your mindset and find empathy for yourself and the world. Here are the current Finalized step by step instructions on how to use my newly developed highly successful Mindset Program. Guarenteeed to bring about contentment and feelings of joy to those who complete and follow these steps completely... 1.)FIRST OFF DO NOT READ THIS SHIT IF YOU AREN'T OPEN-MINDED OR YOU'LL NEVER HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN IT AGAIN, WAIT UNTIL YOU GET YOURSELF ATLEAST SOMEWHAT UNDERCONTROL.2.)EMPATHY Either Already have or Develop a very hardcore understanding and knowledge of empathy by having gratitude through perspective that you must gain. Gaining perspective can happen in a number of ways. The misfortunate are a great way to lead you to happiness. By giving away your money need it or not. who needs it more. and what are they spending it on. If you were homeless outside in january wouldnt you want to be drunk? you were gonna buy a steak and lobster dinner that night anyway even if you didnt have the 10$ cash you gave to Michael by the dumpster. That inturn puts you indebt in a way to the universe. Almost saying this guy will get something good from this at some point in his life. Could be your friend buying your next meal or an invitation to a crazy party. who knows and who knows when its going to happen. we don't the beauty of it is that you know its coming in some shape or form. infact it might have already paid its debt by making you feel better when you did it???? Put yourself in less fortunate peoples shoes. Take acid as much as you can within reason obviously you don't wanna end up fried as fuck. But definitely trip balls man go learn about yourself and the world. Acid is a key to more knowledge. You swim in it but its like trying to bring water (the knowledge) with you when you get out of the pool. You can never even get close to obtaining all of that knowledge. I just needed enough to know that my life isn't completely fucking worthless cause I truly can control my life and you can control yours. Is so empowering to see it happen first hand. To see success finally coming and showing itself after all this time. The worst part is I knew all of this shit long ago. I was told this stuff in Liahona and They knew we didn't fully get it yet. Now I get it. Finally. wtf. I can control my own life.3.)SEARCH YOUR SOUL WITH YOUR MIND. Literally ask yourself questions like a literal one sided conversation. Ask yourself. What do I desire in my life most? For me? Wife car house maybe a farm cat dog fucking dont care whatever she wants the house to look like. two cars actually. I want a boat. and a stable well paying job and some kickass kids. When do I want it to happen. I decided that before I was here. Because I was apart of the aliens maybe idk lol just a thought. Maybe they let me choose they were like yo man this is where ur coming into this planet. they're dumb but think they're really smart and theres lots of chaos they're pretty bad animals i know its a bad gig to send you into but if you like what you can make happen go for it. I wouldn't come into this world unless I knew that things would work out for me at some point. and idk if today is the day but ive realized again what I had already realized but soon forgotten about over a month after. Either from complacentcey or just down right bad memory. Either way I forgot the path and Now I am back.4.)YOU ARE LOOKING FOR THE GOOD IN THE BAD AND THE BAD IN THE GOOD For example, for me my bads are so seldom compared to what some people across the universe go through on a daily basis. I have it so good already. Now compared to the rest of my country.. yeah Im not doing very well financially or on some of the selfs. I have the mental capcity and emotional knowledge and strength currently developed from years of deep depression and sadness. Drug abuse and wanting to be numb. Wanting to die or hurt myself. Here I am reconizing the bad in my life the symptoms of listening and believing other peoples bullshit. Reconizing that the bullshit isnt true and was never true. sometimes reconizing a genreal date that you remember yourself starting to believe what people bullshit to you about yourself. Maybe you remember how you felt about yourself before someone called you fat or ugly or hurt u in some way. Remember previous relationships that have cut u deep over time and may even hurt a bit to think about. Remember the fighting and bullshit. But most importantly remember the good times. Ive caught myself many times forgetting the numerous good times had with previous loved ones in almost a desperate attempt to save yourself. Its a protection tactic that completely stops any and all emotional grow. The only way you get stronger is if you do the work. Just like at the gym the only way you get a ripped ass chest or a 6 pack is by doing the fucking work and lifting it. There is no short cut that is worthwhile longterm. Roids give you boobs and shrink ur balls now ur shot on the kids Idea cause u tried to take a shortcut. Same with emotions. using heroin was a big thing for me for awhile i was at a point where I knew it was stopping me from growing emotionally. Because it doesn't allow you to feel anything. you feel numb you don t care. when I took heroin I felt like I really was who I said I was. I overdosed a few months ago and died onheroin. started using again a couple days later. I stopping in November and id be lying if I said it wasnt brutal. so sure I tried to numb the pain with other things. Alcohol is a big one coke, meth, lots and lots of weed, anything that would or could alter my mind besides heroin is what Ive been doing.  Now none of these things are beneficial in the long term except for weed and acid maybe coke if the universe allows it. The opportunity that you desire would not present itself to you without you first creating the desire. I have a desire for drugs. So I have drugs. But Im at the very least smart enough to realize that heroin is if not a complete block of emotions pretty damn fucking close to it. which allows for significantly less emotion growth through the actual feeling of your feelings and emotions. Another big thing that can help is talking about what you discovered about yourself all the bullshit you believed and the statements you have in place to replace them. My previous statement for example Im a fucking loser thats never going to amount to shit. My angelic statement, I've made many mistake and failures in my life at a young age that I wouldn't trade for the world for they have development me into me. You've made it this far havent you?5.) USE YOUR TRINITY TO TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE STARTING BY FINDING WHAT WORKS FOR YOU TO HAVE A CONSTANT REMINDER. Basically this means find a way to take your new angelic statement created from the good inside the bad and either associate that statement to whatever you see best fit. For example. I have an alarm in the morning that reads! Choose to be happy! with some other notes aswell. And I read that I think to myself. Its a choice. I can use my mind to change my reality over time based on how I feel. I DONT HAVE TO BE SAD ANYMORE BECAUSE I HAVE THE DESIRES IN MY LIFE THAT PULL ME TOWARDS THEM THROUGH MY DECISIONS AND ACTIONS CURRENTLY.

Nine Doctors Couldn’t Help Me

It’s Monday, everyone! And that means another Primal Blueprint Real Life Story from a Mark’s Daily Apple reader. If you have your own success story and would like to share it with me and the Mark’s Daily Apple community please contact me here. I’ll continue to publish these each Monday as long as they keep coming in. Thank you for reading!

My primal journey started in 2010. I had just attended my last Weight Watchers meeting ever. I had been doing Weight Watchers since 2005, and was at my highest weight ever. I was massively obese, I was severely lethargic, and I lived with daily brain fog. I was having miscarriages, but was being told there was nothing wrong with me. I went to a new doctor who told me that when I got pregnant again, I should come in and immediately start running tests so that when I lost it, we might have some insight as to why.

That was at the end of April. I was depressed and desperate. My dad had stumbled onto Mark Sisson’s website and pushed me to try Primal eating. I was extremely skeptical. In 2001, when I had first started dealing with health issues, I had been diagnosed with peripheral insulin resistance and had tried the Atkins diet. I was living in a dorm room at the time and failed miserably. So I was skeptical about trying another low carb restrictive diet.

But what did I have to lose?

Within a month of going Primal, I had lost several pounds, my brain fog was slowly clearing, and my gut was healing (another problem I hadn’t realized existed!).

And in July, I got pregnant again. This time it stuck. My son was born 9 months later. After 3 miscarriages, I am firmly convinced that I stayed pregnant because of my diet changes, and I became a full Primal convert.

After my son was born, I immediately resumed my Primal lifestyle. His first real food was bacon, and he loved liver as soon as he was old enough for real food. I continued the Primal journey, and continued slowly losing the weight and regaining my health.

Then I got pregnant again. This pregnancy was a whole different situation. I had hyperemesis gravidarum for both pregnancies, but this time I couldn’t eat anything. I lived off of cinnamon rolls, as they were the only thing I seemed able to keep down, and I drank nothing but gatorade. I was miserable, I was unbelievably adverse to the smell of all meat so I couldn’t even try to be Primal. I developed eczema on my arm so badly that I had to wear sleeves to work so my clients wouldn’t think I’d contracted ringworm! Luckily, my daughter was born healthy. I ended that pregnancy 10 lbs above where I started. And then my health disappeared.

The rash on my arm never really went away. I soon had eczema on my legs as well. Furthermore, I was so constipated that I wouldn’t go to the bathroom for days at a time and had constant crippling, severe stomach cramps. I had horrible brain fog, and who knows how much of that was a daughter who wouldn’t sleep versus dietary issues.

But more importantly, when she was not quite a year old, I broke out with hives. At first we didn’t know what they were and thought they were bed bug bites! Finally we clued in and I went to the allergy doctor. I knew I was reactive to wheat. As soon as I had cut it out in 2010, I noticed I got sick every time I ate it. I was suspicious of eggs and dairy. But I tested positive to literally every single food, plant, and animal they tested me for with the exception of white fish!

He immediately confirmed that it was an allergy problem. But that night I ended up in the emergency room with full body, raised, angry red, large diameter hives (like inches in diameter). He put me on all sorts of steroids, antihistamines, and beta-blockers. I cut everything out of my diet, and literally ate nothing but unflavored ground beef and vegetables for months.

And the huge, angry, red, full-body hives never went away.

I went from the allergist through eight other doctors. I went to conventional doctors, homeopathic doctors, acupuncturists, herbalists, etc. The hives never went away. I finally took myself off of all meds because they were turning me into a zombie. Unfortunately, even off of meds, nothing improved. One doctor started me on progesterone, thinking it was a hormonal problem because my cycles were so irregular (they had been like clockwork up until my daughter), and that made me much sicker. Unfortunately, those side effects didn’t go away once I took myself back off the meds.

Finally, out of sheer desperation, I gave up. I stopped going to doctors. I cleaned my diet up to be 100% Primal. I started meditating daily. I changed my job to reduce the stress.

And between less stress and diet improvements, finally, the hives started to go away. It had been a year and a half. They weren’t gone completely until after the two year mark, and even as recently as a few months ago they’d still pop up if I became too stressed or ate the wrong things.

Since then, my health has been a slow improvement. The eczema slowly disappeared. My gut slowly healed. But my weight wouldn’t drop. All the signs that showed up when I was put on hormones (heavier periods, breasts that were so sore you couldn’t look at them for a full 2 weeks each cycle, twenty day cycles) were still present. And I was plateaued. I would drop to 188 lb (I’m 5’3), but could never get below that number.

I was stuck there for nearly 3 years. I was feeling better overall, but I was stuck. I would be extremely clean for about 2 months, then I would give up since my weight wasn’t shifting anyway. Then a week later I’d be back to Primal eating because the brain fog and low energy would have come back.

Finally, this last spring, I broke that plateau. I had been 100% Primal for a few months, finally, and everything suddenly balanced. My cycles regulated, I stopped being in pain, and my weight finally started to drop again.

It’s still a journey. I’m not quite to my ideal weight yet as I’ve hit several other plateaus since. But for someone who has been obese since they were 16, now that I finally know what works for me, I can be patient. And more importantly, being Primal allowed me to heal up such severe disease after nine doctors couldn’t help me that I became an even stronger advocate than I’d been before.

I was already a licensed veterinarian and was using Primal principles in my animal patients, but after finally healing my own body, I became a certified Primal Health Coach so I could help the humans as well!

So what have I done since I received my certification? Since I received my certification, my life has gone in all sort of directions!

I was already using Primal principles in my holistic veterinary practice. I have absolutely continued using those principles to help heal the pups who walk through my door, and I have created an educational website and Facebook group for owners interested in healing their pets through diet!

However, I still wanted to help people, too.

When I first graduated, I obtained two informal coaching clients. One was a friend of my mother’s who had suffered from IBD, allergies, inability to lose weight, and masses around her thyroid (although they said her thyroid values were normal).

When we first started talking, she was eating grains with most meals, avoiding fat, and filling her diet with things like vegetable oil!

The first thing we did was cut the grains and vegetable oil, reintroduce real foods, and increase the healthy fats.

Within a month, she had lost 20 pounds, her energy was returning, and her IBD was feeling more controlled than ever!

My other client was a friend of mine who had also suffered from IBD, but who also had her gallbladder removed a few years before. In addition, she couldn’t lose weight and had all sorts of fluctuations in her hormones.

Again, with nothing more than diet changes, she slowly started to recover. Her weight decreased more slowly, but it was the first time she had ever succeeded in getting it off! More importantly, the IBD that flared with every menstrual cycle started staying controlled, and her hormones started to balance.

However, that wasn’t the end of coaching for me.

Around this time, I started having other veterinarians approaching me, asking how I had changed my life around. I had gone from severely burned out and feeling trapped and desperate in my job to outsourcing myself from my own business, moving to another state, and learning to love life and travel again!

And they wanted to know how I had done it.

Well, the first answer to that question was that when I started to get my stress under control (which started with getting my diet and health under control), then changes just started to take place that allowed me to completely turn my lifestyle around.

So I also began coaching veterinarians and other health care professionals on how to change their lives around. That coaching isn’t just about health, but health is almost always a piece of what we have to cover since these are women under massive loads of stress, and we have to deal with the health effects of that stress.

Today, I do both health coaching and mindset coaching. I believe in helping people live their best lives, and I will use whatever means necessary to help them do that! So while much of my focus is on veterinarians and other health care professionals, I still do regular health coaching as well.

I teach people that it is definitely possible to live the life of your dreams, and in my case, it all started with learning about ancestral health!

– Jenny Elwell-Gerken

Jenny’s listing in the Primal Health Coach Institute Directory

Website: www.drjeg.com

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