ok well just let me type this out to get it out of my head. senior year was seriously ass. and now thats its over..; im in this weird in between right now of classes having ended but so much senior stuff is still coming up. and i feel like a complete and utter failure. not academically. academically, i got my aice diploma junior year, went to college full time as a hs senior, got into my dream school and the top school in florida, and had straight A's every year. yeah, it sounds good all typed out, but i cant help but feel that the struggle for all that was worthless. because somehow, i still failed. i hardly have any real friends. many of my friendships crumbled this year. i have severe social anxiety. i feel like everyone else in my class is so social and has such strong bonds with so many people, and i dont have that. i dont know how to interact normally. making friends is simply a skill i never really developed. and a lot of the blame for that falls on how i was raised. i went to a tiny private catholic school for 11 years. the same 30 people in my grade (15 per class as we were divided into two, because 30 was considered a large class) for ELEVEN YEARS. it truly does something to the psyche. and only a handful of my peers werent assholes. then, i started hs during covid. it was frustrating in terms of making friends, because there was such a heavy expectation to branch out and do that, but we also weren't really supposed to be near each other? and going from a school with maybe 230 people to one with 1,500 was not an easy transition. i didnt know how to really socialize! and i feel like ive never been able to change the effect all that had on me. then being labeled "quiet" and "shy" makes you never wanna open your mouth ever again. i was in three clubs, and it made no difference. seeing everyone else with their large friend groups makes me feel so insecure and shitty. and fucking THEATER KIDS should not be making ME feel insecure like what the actual fuck?? anyways. i feel like ive cried more in this in between time than all year, and i wasnt particularly doing well all year either. it just sucks. im so so sad over the what ifs. i have to grieve the person i couldve been and the life i couldve had. its not fucking fair. on top of that, the school im going to is the one my parents, grandparents, and many of my other family members went to. my older sister didnt get in, when they really wanted her to go. i worked so hard to get in because i had some stupid notion that i could "win" and finally they could love me as much as they love her. yet, they dont even seem happy about it. they act like they dont care at all. like everything they have to do regarding college stuff is just a burden to them. like, great. i wasted my whole life,, i couldn't make friends, i couldn't make my parents like me, nor the rest of my family. everyone just views me as some shy loser freak.

at least i didnt peak in high school, right?

👚👖👛

one time i was talking to my american online friends about stuff and i was like "haha yeah people always say i look ambiguously european but cant place what i am specifically" and they were like "i dont think europeans have a look though." what do you mean. you dont believe different ethnic features exist...?

Also personally, I don't know If Winner will even accept the apology. IT'D BE GREAT BUT Personally I'm half expecting them to go into the route of Sometimes Friendships Just Don't Happen and Clock learns to cope with it. It's still a nice moral of the story to end their relationship on. Sometimes It just doesn't happen and that's fine... and I wouldn't even be mad

I like you kitt but that voting take is just not it. When shit hits the fan you won't really have a right to complain since you didn't even try to change it. Refusing to vote is a vote for Trump who is, like it or not, objectively worse than Biden.

biden is a genocider my guy

.

When you can't play the main story because you're too weak and you can't catch up on hard mode 3 chapters behind because you're still too weak and you can't play the event because you're too weak and farming levels is a horrible part time job and it's like well wtf man. wtf I'm supposed to do?

wait i might have actually lucid dreamed. wait.

so i was having this dream and it started at work. after a bit I began to notice something where the furniture wasnt right, like two coffee machines or my literal own personal wardrobe just. standing there. then, somehow they said it was friday evening, which isnt possible since i KNOW i have important irl stuff then. So i was trying to figure out if i was correct in the incorrectness. i started telling the supervisors that this wasnt correct and that the dates are wrong (not really the best decision in hindsight i think). they were looking at me like i was stupid and insane, so i just tried to wake up. which actually worked. wth.

hm... i can make original universe versions of my pmd ocs if i want... what is stopping me

I think my mother wouldn't be so against me being trans if she didn't get divorced and so attached to the idea of "just us three girls"

God, I’m so fucking tired of romance.

Like seriously! It’s everywhere! And where it’s not? People try to say it is! Like is that all you alloromantics think about? Is it that great that most people, consciously or not, believe they need it to be happy? Is it addictive or something? Why does it belong everywhere? Why is it that the moment there’s any sort of aromantic rep, people are trying to prove that they’re not aromantic? Why is it that, if I explain my ideal relationship to an alloromantic person, they’ll probably just tell me it’s actually romance? Why is my sexuality considered nothing when half of the romantic bullshit out in the world literally has no substance?

Why am I considered less? Because aromantic people are. We’re considered less queer, less lgbt, even by people who aren’t exclusionists. Not only that, but aromantic, along with asexual, is considered to just be a modifier: this is a straight person who doesn’t want sex (never mind that isn’t what asexual means), this is a bi person who isn’t interested in a romantic relationship (again, not what aromantic means), this is a non-binary person, their sexuality is nothing!

Did you know that there’s literally no scientific studies on aromanticism? Did you know that conversion therapy for us is very much still legal in almost every single country? Do you know what it’s like to learn your identity in a community who’s modo is “love is love!” to find out you can’t fall in love? Do you know how fucking dismissive it is when people say “oh, but there’s platonic love! There’s other types! Just because you’re aromantic doesn’t mean you can’t feel love!” when someone so much as comments on aphobia in a post very much directed towards romantic attraction? Not to mention how fucking cruel it is to look at aromanticism like that. Like it’s unfortunate. And how saying we can still feel other types of love isn’t even true to all aromantics.

The first time I heard of asexuality and aromanticism was in an exclusionist’s post. I was on Instagram, which is a fucking cesspool, but I was also 13, so I didn’t know. And you know what happened? I believed it. For the next three years, I believed it! And all I can think, as I look at some of you, is that if exclusionist didn’t include trans people and weren’t terfs, you’d be silently agreeing with them. That you are agreeing with them when it comes to the aspec community. Because I’ve gone down the exclusionist pipeline before, and you guys? Some of you are already in.

OUGH

having to restrain from saying anything when my dad dares to say that men get paid LESS than women. in what world. are you out of your fucking mind old man.

not the misgendering again

ohhh questioning the point of life again .

So I've realized that my tolerance for misogyny in films and generally women being mistreated in movies is mostly focused around whether or not it impacts the greater message of the film. Like I didn't like blade runner cause the point of the movie is what is a human, what makes us human and its like caring for one another and all that but I don't think the main dude would have cared about the android girl if he didn't want to fuck her so the message is lost. But with movies like the gladiator and dark knight who just use the women to further the plot of the guys and all that I do think that the men care when they need to, to have a breakdown and all that or they're obsessive and controlling and that's the point. Like with taxi driver it was like was there even a downfall or was travis supposed to suck the whole time and I couldn't tell. Like was him and Betsy supposed to be charming at the beginning cause I didn't like it from the start so it's like not that much of a fall. Cause with older movies I can't tell whether that was just how it was at the time or if the movie was also saying he sucks