#but ill see what i can get done
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ooh blood. a little wip for bylerween🤭🤭🤭. this piece includes some of the best hands I've probably ever drawn and I'm really excited.
#figngers crossed i actually finish it#i know im not gonna have something for every day of bylerween#because this is the only second one im working on#but ill see what i can get done#bylerween#bylerween2023#byler#byler wip#mike wheeler#stranger things#will byers#tw blood#my art
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There was a post I saw about someone who mutually ghosted a guy after a date and kept matching with him and they're not interested but it's the longest "relationship" the person had been in at that point and I'm like. Karen would mutually ghost someone.
She doesn't really tell Brent/Right/Evelyn/Chris his name (he has a double first name, Patrick is not his last name) and just refers to him as "My Guy". Like "Ah damn, My Guy matched again. End my suffering." And when she tries to explain it to Right who does NOT understand how it's different, her logical answer is "it's my God given right to ghost a polite man!"
Also I just imagine her confiding in Paul about Rick and he's like "is his name Patrick" and she's like "kinda". And after that, Paul calls him "Pattycakes" cause he's never even seen the guy so why not give him a funny little nickname. He's allowed to do so at this point probably.
#my characters#also i just think it would be so funny to have him walk into the bar when karen and the boys are all there#and she sees him and is like OH MY GOD ITS MY GUY AND HE HAS A WOMAN WITH HIM I have to go congratulate him#and she jumps out of the booth to go say hi to him and the rest of her group is staring with wide eyes because whomst#and then her shoulders drop and the guy looks nervous and then karen is just gesturing to her group#and she walks him over and is like hey this is my guy and his cousin i hate my life#and then introduces rick to her friends/coworkers in the worst way ever like.... so lackluster#thats right and hes gay and pining and possibly dating#thats brent and hes pining and possibly dating#thats chris and he might have a divorce on his track record (HEY!) but we still love him#and thats paul the disaster bisexual currently pining#she sighs then points to the bar and goes AND I GUESS ILL INCLUDE the pining hot bartender in the introductions#everyone meet rick and his cousin and rick is like oh ! paul! hes your best friend!#cause he KNOWS that name from their ONE DATE that they both pretend didn't happen#and paul is just sunshine and flowers and beaming like oh ?? OH ??? KAREN? BESTIE? MY BEST FRIEND?#and she blushes and glares at rick because DOES THAT LOOK LIKE A FACE THAT CAN HANDLE COMPLIMENTS YOU JERK look what you did to him#and rick is v sorry and feels bad about it cause hes really just some random polite guy and thats why it would never work#hes too nice for karen and she CRAVES the teasing THE BANTER THE LANGUAGE and no hes just nice bye#so he leaves with his cousin to get some drinks and walks back over after hes done#and stares at paul as he says wow the bartender really is pining like you said in response to karen and paul wants to melt into his seat#therefore karen will forgive her guy for telling paul he was her best friend (its true tho) bc he made paul embarrassed#and he smiles at her and says bye and she just nods and is like yup talk to you next time we match#and its never romantic its always platonic#they are always going to match but its NEVER going to go beyond friends#though they do become friends and hang out eventually!#yes you can tell i thought about this A LOT on the drive#oops i fell in love
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Here is a badly drawn comic of my terrible, awkward group project experience from yesterday. I thought it was very absurd so I wanted to share it other people lol :)
Let me know, how do you find their conduct 😭
#i tried to small talk#and they werent rly listening and were like i just wanna get this done w so i can eat#yet talked to me abt smth random after#but the moving the laptop is what made me draw this 😭#like is that not absurd????#i dont wanna rewatch the video#but i wanna see what the camera frame looked like#bcs from what i saw my drawing is p accurate#but yeah they also talked for the majority of the time#even tho i did more research bcs they took up most of the slides#AND ALSO TOOK MY IDEAS#im like uhhhh im p sure [insert slide topic] is required!!!#and i went to go start writing it#and theyre like oh okay ill do that slide#and even tho i kept reminding them of the slide requirement#they kept being like ugh i cant think of anything#and then would take my ideas when i proposed them#like the conclusion part was to write a proposal abt what solution can be made for the current event topic#AND i took notes the night before and wrote down the idea for the solution#and i told them and theyre like oh yeah thats okay and started writing those slides#i know i should be more assertive but im so conflict avoidant and was kinda like oh. okay. ah.#lmao i hope this doesnt make me come off as someone victimizing themselves#im just annoyed 😭😭#and also this person was on my abroad trip and we all hated them#but i felt bad abt how much we hated them and theyre(I THOUGHT) much more chill in a classroom setting#so i kinda softened my hate for them and theyre the only person i know in my class rly#so im like ahhhh we should work together!#and now i remember why i dislike them 😭😭#catie.rambling.txt#catie.art.
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it is now officially the 25th which means...
merry christmas everyone !!! regardless of whether u celebrate or not, i hope u all have a lovely day with whoever u spend it with or with urself <33
#sophie's idle chatter#this is scheduled so im HOPING it posts at 12 am.... prays....#i havent been super active in the past month or two bc life is kicking my ass (<- has said this countless times already but its still true)#also !! i see asks and ill try and answer them when i actually have the time and energy 😭 ik i say this a lot but ive been drained good god#(not so) mini life updates :#the new lovebrush chronicles main story update has made me weep so much... ive done both clarence and ayns routes and....#my god.... this story is darker and honestly im loving it AND i love how they did the chara roles in this world (alkaid... ourgh...)#my tear glands arent tho bc ayn ending 3.... what the fuck was that i couldnt sleep after doing that ending??? ITS WAS SO SAD AND FOR WHATF#currently having to wait until the 27th so i can do lars route 😔#the recent ep of apothecary diaries.... ourgh my heart.... jinshi and maomao beloveds :((#oh !! and ive gotten back into my ace of diamonds/daiya no ace phase and have been rewatching the series...#sobbing chris and yuki and miyuki my beloveds.... kissing ur foreheads and holding u gently.....#the way i got back into it bc im catching up on s2 of a clean sweep (a korean baseball variety show that i love with all my heart ;w;)#my mum is a traitor tho bc she watched every new ep that came out on tuesdays while i was in uni 🧍♀️ so now im catching up on the 30 eps#on my own 🧍♀️#OMG AND ALSO DR STONE S3??? WHY WAS I NOT NOTIFIED THAT PART 1 CAME OUT MONTHS AGO AND PART 2 WAS MORE RECENT???#i havent been doing that much writing recently tho bc the fingers wont type but the brain is exploding with ideas i cannot handle this#i do want to get back to the haitham sxf series tho.... and also my oc various x reader series.......#tbh ive been contemplating abt publishing the haitham series on ao3 once i write more chapters before publishing them#idk i feel like the series would be nice to have on ao3 as well as tumblr JHDG#thats abt it i think?#anywho if u read this far then know i am giving u a warm cookie as a condolence prize for getting through this life dump <33#ill leave it off here but i hope u all have a lovely day !! mwah mwah merry chrysler everyone 🎄🫶#queue... ueueue
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The Target
Angst, back from the dead, memory loss, amnesia, guilt, implied past abandonment, referenced past captivity and torture, referenced past illness, therapy mention
[Directly follows Tea]
The set up was cliche for a reason: it worked. No fancy equipment, as few moving parts as possible, and complete deniability. Jackson had taken the target to a small tea shop in the heart of the city. Crowded but not too busy. Bribing the waiter to sit the pair behind her table was easy.
The hard part was resisting the urge to turn around and look at him -
(She needed to be patient. Even if it was her Wolf back from the dead, she wasn’t sure her presence would be soothing.)
(…)
(If it was her Wolf, if Ghost had left him for dead, if he had survived all these years - would he hate her? Would he forgive Ghost?)
“You’re looking well, East.”
“Thanks. Helps to not be half dead and sick as a dog.”
The voice was…wrong. Too gravelly, too low - the accent though, the cadence of his words…oh, how desperately she wanted to believe it was him. A waiter brought her the tea she had ordered, creamy and warm and sweet. She didn’t have the stomach for it, thinking about the target behind her.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been around lately. I know it must have been a…rough adjustment.”
The man behind Liza scoffed.
“It’s been…an adjustment, to be sure.” He sighed, voice softening. “But I’m…doing better. Thanks to you - ”
“Oh, don’t you dare give me credit. That’s all you. And Nate, of course. I just dropped you at the door and left.”
“You didn’t have to. Help me, I mean.” East clearly meant to elaborate, but a waiter came by to take their order. Liza forced herself to swallow a few sips of her drink. She told herself she didn’t shiver at his coffee order - it didn’t mean anything, anyone could enjoy black coffee and four sugar cubes without milk.
“Speaking of, helping you, how’s Judy been?”
“Helpful.” The word was clipped and professional, but East worked some levity into his voice as he continued. “Starting to feel like a real person again.”
“I’m glad.” The warmth in Jackson’s voice almost took Liza off guard. So sickeningly tender and genuine. “You have no idea how relieved I am that you’re - ”
He cut himself off, their drinks served by an unwitting waiter. There was the clatter of tea cups and coffee mugs and sugar stirred with honey.
“Careful, it’s hot.”
“I know - it’s still good.”
“How can you tell with it burning your tastebuds off?” Jackson’s amused huff and East’s chuckling sigh only made the pang of nostalgia all the louder in Liza’s heart. Wolf (her Wolf) never waited for his coffee to cool; too impatient to wait - he always claimed it tasted worse once it cooled to a drinkable temperature.
“I’m glad you’re back, Jackson.” East’s voice was still warm, but there was a tension under his words. “How have you been? Is everything…alright?”
“Fine. I’m doing just fine - happy to be home, if I’m quite honest.” Jackson’s reply was immediate and open, but dreadfully vague. “Everything’s just fine.”
Liza couldn’t see East’s reaction behind her, but whatever it was compelled Jackson to continue. She could almost see him, in her mind’s eye: her Wolf…a decade younger, face pinched in worry - always worried - and eyes bright with determined preparation for every scenario.
“Things are dying down. Americans are keeping to themselves for once, and it’s looking like a cold case.” Jackson’s voice was almost too quiet to hear, but Liza could practically feel the tension bleed from the man behind her. “Almost out of the woods - just some finalized paperwork and seals of approval.”
“And what happens…after?”
Liza stared down at her tea, trying to picture it. The great and terrifying Ghost - who swore off apprentices after losing his first, his last - being told the man that was practically his son had survived. (Had been abandoned.) Wolf - who went through a hell at the hands of the enemy, who spent years abandoned and alone - survived and he could come home. (To a stranger in his room and the dog he loved long dead.)
(Her one regret in her life burned bright in her throat - oh, how he would have loved to meet Casey. How different things could have been if Wolf was around to protect her boy.)
“After…we get you home.”
“Which is?” East (Wolf?)’s whisper was hoarse, laced with a sad desperation that broke Liza’s heart. Jackson had told her he might have - she didn’t really think, she hoped -
(She was a fool, always blinded by hope and it’s empty promises.)
“I - I thought you said things were going well with Judy - ”
“Nevermind. Your tea’s getting cold.“ It was like a switch had flipped, words suddenly steady and strong. Whatever fledgling hope Liza had that this was her Wolf, that he could come home, died in her chest.
(Wolf hadn’t had a home to come back to in along time.)
“Hey, I just - East…it’s fine. We said it would probably take some time. We’re not in any rush - ”
“You seem to be.” There was a thin bite to the words, defensive but still smothered in that muted parody of nonchalance. “I don’t know. I don’t really want to. It sucks to think about. I thought maybe you…figured something out that I couldn’t.”
“East…love, I - ”
“It’s fine. I like my job. I like my friends. Think Al and I might get a flat together - rent’s too high to not have roommates in this economy.” East’s sigh was decisive, a harsh swallow before he continued. “I just - God, fuck - I like my life right now. And I don’t want to leave it all behind. But I know - I don’t know - what you need or, or want me to do in return for - ”
“Nothing. East, I’m not here to take you away I just - I didn’t know if you had somewhere else you’d rather be. But, if you’re happy here…I don’t see any reason for you to leave.”
“Really?”
(Why did the relief in his voice sound so much like a nail in the empty coffin they buried for him?)
Liza wanted to get sick; she stood up a bit too quickly, chair bumping into the man behind her. She pulled on the mask of a stranger, perfect and apologetic and calm, and looked a dead man in the eye.
“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry - ”
“No worries.”
Her heart dropped to her feet, his polite glance failing to betray recognition, even though she knew that face and those eyes so well, even a decade removed -
(He looked so much older than she remembered him. Tired. Contented. Scarred and worn by time and it’s ravages. Where was the soldier more boy than man she remembered? Where was his fiery eyes and burning passion? Where was his fight?)
(…)
(Was it better, she wondered, for him to live a life without that fight, that fire in his heart? God knew how it had burned her and everyone else who knew him when it was snuffed out.)
Liza took her leave, heart in her throat.
—
“Did you - ?”
“I don’t know him. This was a waste of my time.”
“I’m sorry - ”
“I’m sure you are.” Liza let her voice soften as she looked out at the rain hitting her hotel window. She sighed into the phone, speaking before she could regret it. “Agent Jackson?”
“Yes?”
“I don’t know this Wolf of yours, but it sounds like he’s having a pretty good life.” She almost paused, almost stopped to consider telling him the truth before deciding better of it. Liza was far more comfortable in a lie. “Don’t fuck it up looking for something he doesn’t need found.”
“…Thank you, Liza.”
She snapped the phone closed, and closed her eyes, remembering the face she knew on a man who didn’t know her.
It wasn’t worth unburying that empty casket. It wasn’t worth uprooting a good, clean civilian life. It wasn’t worth opening old wounds. Wolf was dead, as he had been for a decade. Liza needed to make sure he stayed dead, and that East stayed alive and well and untainted by the world he left behind.
[Before Smoke Break]
(Part of my Freelancers: Changing Tides series)
Taglist: @stargeode @sacredwrath @genuineformality
#whump#angst#back from the dead#memory loss#amnesia#guilt#abandonment#past torture#past captivity#past illness#therapy mention#freelancers#*squeezing Liza like a squeaky toy* her track record for deciding she knows what’s best for people in her life sucks so bad#but she keeps doing it because she cares too much to let anything be anyone’s fault but hers.#and east…oh east. this is just a random Tuesday for him. it’s the last time she’ll see the face of her friend and he doesn’t even know it.#I am unwell abt my own ocs. *autism creature stare* I just think they’re neat.#in other news it’s [redacted] today so. worst case scenario I’ll explain whatever the fuck keeps me away from the internet#whenever I can get back. best case scenario nothing happens and life goes on as usual for my blog schedule here. o7#regardless just gotta get through the week and I’ll have a better bead on the risk level we’re looking at.#personal rambling done. mwah I love you people who read my goofy tags.
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the fact that there are people who still thinks that bo-katan is currently playing some kind of long game is absolutely hilarious to me, like, girl has lost everything, she's depressed and tired and going through multiple different existential crises, you think she's got the emotional capasity to think about the darksaber right now???
#the mandalorian#the mandalorian season 3#bo katan kryze#there's absolutely zero indication that she has any ill intentions right now#'but she has been untrustworthy in the past!!!' yeah well failure can change people#not to mention the whole 'her home getting bombed by the imperials' thing#like what would her plan even be???#gain din's trust and then what??? kindly ask him to hand over the darksaber???#if she wanted to fight him for it she would've done it when he was half dying in episode 2#i mean obviously the season isn't over so anything could happen#but i just don't see it at all
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THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN (TO GET SPLATTERED)
OOH MYSTERY! PANIC! DRAMA! EMOTIONS!! LOTS N LOTS OF MEAT, SCARES, AND DICK-OUT FUN!
BLOOD IN THE BAYOU HAS GOT IT ALL BABY!!!
blood in the bayou would make SUUUCh a great campy horror movie, its real in my heart, so real.....
#jrwi bitb#jrwi bitb spoilers#jrwi fanart#cw blood#cw gore#cw body horror#EHEHEE YKNOW WHAT I LOVE ABT POSTING ART ON TUMBLR....#I GET TO TAAALK N TALK N TALK YIPPEEE I LOVE TALKIN ABOUT MY ART!! espeeecially WHEN I THINK ALOT ABT IT#SO this is older. i actually drew this right around the time episode 2 came out. but i WAS kinda stupid slow about it#SOO its a lil old and i dont remember aaall the immediate feelings i had about this episode#OHH MY GOD THIS WAS THE EP WHERE THEY FOUND OUT WHAT THE MAP LOOKS LIKE RIGHT???#DUDE I REMEMBER BEING SO GENUINELY FUCKIN C A U G H T BY THAT LIKE WHAT??? WHAT??? IT LOOKS LIKE A WHUT??? HUHN???? NHU????????#OOH ohoh okay okay THE BARRIER right. have yall ever seen annihilation? that kickass movie with that weird dimension? just look it up#in the movie theres a Wall that separates them from the fucked up dimension. its glossy and strange just like a bubble. SOUND FAMILIAR HMMM#THATS what i imagine the wall looked like. gotta draw that at somepoint. i also used that texture for the background color. do ya see it?#i remember when i was first watching it. i thought that maybe it was actually worse outside#like they finally get past the barrier and its the same everywhere else. like the entire earth is already taken.sighh....#CAN I JUST SAY I LOVE KIAN STONE BTW. AINT NO ONE ELSE HAD THER DICK OUT AS MUCH AS THIS KING. HONESTLY IM A KIAN APOLOGIST#KIAN STONE HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG EVER. HE FOLLOWS HIS HEART AND THE MUSIC DUUUDEE!!!!! HIS HEART AND THE MUSIC ARE ONE DUUUUDEEE!!!!#ILL HAVE MORE THINGS TO SCREAM ABT KIAN WHEN I POST MY EP 3 DOODLE PAGE. OKAY. IM NOT SOBBING LOUDLY. I LOVE N SUPPORT KIAN#AND RAAAND oh raaaand he loves his momma.... n his momma loves him.... hes suuuuch a sad lil disaster of a man....#i wanna nurse him back to health like an injured little animal#wtf who said that#anyway ROLAN MY SMARTEST BOY IN THE WORLD#I remember listening to the first episode (right at midnight as i was sleeping) n thinkin#dawww rolans so baby :)) hes so baby girl n small and pathetic#and then i saw the official art of him n im like NO WAY#HE LOOKS WAY TOO COOL IN THAT how could this little man ever be that cool AND BOOY DOES IT PROVE ME WRONG. HOLY SHIT. ROLAN. BEAST OF A MAN#OKAAYAY teehee ill share more thoughts later. if u read this far tell me ALL ur thoughts abt bitb ep 2#kk bye guys ill see u within the next rotatiion mwah mwah love u guys baaaiiiii. please survive for me.
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How do u get so good at anatomy and faces??? 😭😭😭 I adore ur art style and I just wanted to know if you had like a certain method or anything or if u guys practise :0
i just draw a fuckload and observe the human body and how it moves at all times and use references and draw and draw and draw summore 👍 u may not now how tf muscles link together but with plenty of drawing and research it will eventually click into place and you'll Get It lmfao
#in fact i can literally feel myself Getting it when it comes to arm and back muscles and i feel like ive finally been set free tbh#like its all clicking together after being like 'i have no idea how the forearm muscles twist but ig ill put shading here'' for years lmfao#i would wrack my brain over the ''the whole arm is built like chain links'' rule but it never really clicked UNTIL RECENTLY#and its bc if drawing thats right folks call of duty corn AHAAA#but thats also why im drawing my buff ocs is bc i feel like every drawing i do i understand the muscle structure a little bit more its gr8#so expect more muscle studs bc im on a diSCOVERY#that being said dont wreck urself drawing a lot u also have to be observant as well and try to see if you can learn more thhe next drawing#is what i do#thats why i cant stop wont stop im too in love with improving more and more and how much stuff i can pick up on and incorporate into my dra#wings OK IM DONE
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Sebastian (pink hair) and Cornella (blue hair) meet as children and realize "ah, that's the kid my parents told me to avoid because of business reasons" and immediately decide "hey, we're going to be best friends and not fight". Which... in the long run helps a lot in regards to their parents companies because now the parents have to play nice around their kids.
long history below lol
So they're just bffs throughout their youth and a couple years before their high school graduation, Sebastian spots a kid with messy hair who looks really nervous. Since it's early in the year, maybe the kid needs help finding somewhere? So he goes over to offer to help him to class buuuuut the guy flinches and runs away. So Sebastian is ready to report to Cornella at lunch but she slams her hands down on the table saying "I JUST SAW THE CUTEST GUY EVER". And Sebastian puts his concerns on hold until he realizes they're about to talk about the same guy.
The duo then decide "operation befriend shy guy" and spend like an entire school year getting Matis to warm up to them. Good! Except now they're seniors and STILL both pining for the underclassman (only a grade below) and they have an agreement to not pressure Matis into any weird situations about picking between them.
Matis and Sebastian like to draw though and so one day as Sebastian is vibing and sketching Cornella while stealing glances at Matis, he decides to put little hearts around her head. It's fine, it's not weird, it's totally cool. And Matis sees and comments he must really like her and while he DOES really like her it's .... not quite like that. So he laughs it off.
The two graduate and then start to train at their parents companies while attending college and the years go on. They still sometimes think about Matis and go "wonder how he's doing" "wonder if he's more outspoken now" "wonder if he'd remember us" because they're both very normal about the lingering crush they have. Cornella walks into the building she works at one day and is going directly to her office in hopes no one sees her since she's supposed to be off when she hears her name.
"I'm not here, you didn't see me and you REALLY didn't see me if my dad's asking" is her immediate response but the guy's like 'oh, sure, understood. i am interviewing someone who said he went to school with you' and so she looks over and is just. Floored. Yup, still nervous looking, definitely remembers them, he's doing fine, and he's apparently now working at her company. Fabulous.
She does say hello and then nervously excuses herself to go to her office before anyone else sees her but hey see you around good to see you bye haha... and calls Sebastian with "He's hot now" with no context. So he asks who and she's like "oh only the cutest boy to ever plague our brains for years" and Sebastian is just "wait wait, Matis ? ? YOU SAW HIM? WHERE? HELLO? Why was I not invited to see him? Why did you not video call so I can see him? WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S HOT" and then they scheme how to actually meet up and involve Matis. And they agree while he's definitely handsome dealing with other people, the fact he still blushes and looks nervous around them and looks to them for approval is the absolute cutest thing on the planet.
#pining since hs wdym#also someone pointed out matis is daikon colors and yeah ...... yeaaaah....#another person said omg seeing the three at the bottom is like trans colors#and honestly im here for the accidental rep#it was mostly me going you know what since theres a boy girl duo and for some reason blue pink is the weird norm#time to swap that and have a pink boy and blue girl#then i had no idea for a third color and just went white but with green as an under color#matis looks really professional when talking to other coworkers but blushes the second seb and cornella are involved#and sebastian is extremely cat coded#his little tufts of hair on the side of his head just kinda being cat ear like#and theres another reason but ill doodle it out later but hes basically just a fluffy pink cat who thrives with attention#but is so quick to be done with said attention cause hes bored bye#cornella and her crinkle cut hair is so cute imo#she has long hair as a kid then gets tired of maintaining it and cuts it short in hs and then grows it back out#matis goes from if i cant see them they cant see me to okay i have to pretend like im an adult who can make eye contact#seb and cornella are absolutely mind blown by the fact he has a beauty mark and they had no idea for the entire two school years with him
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The way that the sun hits leaves and clouds. I feel like I could watch the colors change forever. If I could slow down for that long.
#i keep forgetting a have a deck now. i can go outside and sit there#im doing that now. sitting in the corner of a deck full of empty chairs. staring up at a big pine tree where the sun is striking it gold#at the top. i like how thr light hits the needles. if the sky was black it would look like its on fire#theres a tree outside my bedroom window too. in the morning. after the sunrises it catches thr light and refelcts the most perfect shade#of green. the kind of green that flutters translucent like youre looking up from the bottom of a pool. the light the light its all about#the sun. everything everything is about the sun. when i start my project I'll be focused on understanding how organisms catch the light bc#its so incredible and complicated it would make my chest swell to bursting if there wasnt an empty bleeding wound in my gut. a#metaphorical wound of course. i dunno. its just difficult bc right now my mood is inflated by hormones. not even that much i think I'm#just at what shoulf be a normal level of happiness so i can be slow for a minute. but just a minute bc i kno it won't last long#sorry i cant shut the fuck up when im like this but i dunno i just feel like i havr to document these ephemeral moments before they're gone#its just difficult when you kno the world is so full of beautiful things but 95% of the time your eyes are too clouded to see it#everyone tells me i work too much but i feel like im just staring off into space being miserable 60% of the time. ive just done so much#damage over the past few years im coming into a new lab as damaged goods. ive got an albatross around my neck in thr form of data i#collected so self destructively that the idea of having anything to do with its publication makes me hate myself. everytime someone tells#me good job on collecting so so so much data it feels like they're congratulating me for breaking something within myself. like i slit my#wrists and bled out on a lab bench and theyre saying good job and theyre excited for me and i have to grin and bear it and pretend im#excited too. but im not bc ive burned everything inside me to ash. so when im elevated enough to be distracted by the clouds and trees it#feels like healing. like seeing angels. beautiful ephemeral beams of light. i wish i could slow down enough to watch them. but now thr sun#is hitting the horizon and the sky is going gradually dark and i should go inside. bc i have many things to do in the morning. so that's#what ill do. and ill try to get more thsn 6hrs of sleep but its hard when your body is vibrating over with energy#but at least i dont feel tired in the morning. something in my head must be on fire#unrelated#hm i should maybe add a tw to this#tw self injury#but its the kind thst makes u good at ur Job. its the kind ppl reward. so they don't understand when u say its destroying ur life#but im trying to get better. i say as i gear up for an insane semester lol but i do mean it
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i wanna practice environments, send me some hermitcraft builds to draw!! (season 7, 8 or 9 preferably)
#as always i cant promise how many of these ill do#but just put some stuff in my ask box ill see what i can get done :)#life series or empires s2 works too
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ahhhhhh i remember why i dont read comics & books and watch movies as much as I should. Because they make me lose it
#i get suddenly hit with a tsunami of inspiration and an urgency to Make Something#but the urgency isn't about the process of making it's about I Have Stories To Present Too. I have to See Them Realized.#and that hit of urgency is obviously far too short lived to make anything. esp since it comes in a set with a feeling of 'wow this-#-thing was so great' that transforms into intensified perfectionism of No No What Im Doing Here Isnt Good. What Is This. Disgrace-#-to my idea AND to what inspired it AND to my self proclaimed status as an amateur storyteller#which turns into artblock. so like low chances that ill even get a singular good drawing made during this#and the multiple comic or script or whatever ideas that appear in my head during this are out of the question entirely#oh and all of this appears next to the normal feelings caused by a good story like attachment to the characters and having to process it-#-for a while and if its very good then even sometimes rarely i get the need to make fanart#so all of this combined just leads to me not being able to do anything for a while and feeling awful about it.#fun./sar#i wish i was a normal artist people here are so resilient and do stuff even though they dont want to or they DO want to#because idk they enjoy being pissed bcs of a thing not turning out right and they dont mind how tedious it can get-#-and they enjoy sacrificing hours&days&months of their lives without a guarantee that anyone will appreciate it accordingly and itll pay of#its probably the resilience though#im weak like a dried twig both mentally and physically#this sounds like i never enjoyed drawing&writing ever. and to clarify thats far from true. i frequently enjoy it#just never frequently enough and consistently enough to actually make something more 'worthwhile' or linear#it's like a wind that comes & goes that i have no control over.#i try to keep telling myself that in the past i struggled to make anything 'bigger'....& know i even made animatic shitposts#this sounds so stupid god. an animatic shitpost being an achievement.#its not an art skill achievement its a fighting tooth and nail with my own self to actually finish it because its a struggle almost every-#-time achievement#what im saying is im trying to tell myself that i already improved. im doing more than i could have done in the past.#even if the process is so slow and i dont know when ill advance again#if ill advance again. i just gotta believe i guess? thank u parappa
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from a while back
#my art#rare colored drawings#even if its just flats#i feel like ill only ever post art if i want to rant in the tags LOL its awesome#sometimes theres just those kinda vague thoughts and feelings that feel a little pointless to actually talk to people about yk#its nice having a lil blog to throw stuff into :) journaling i guess#i dunno i feel stressed thinking abt juggling all the different life things. its smth i see expressed a lot and yeah. literally how#i kinda think hmm i should slowly incorporate things one by one. but then its like damn life just flies tf by and youve done jack shit#but then when im actually doing things i feel like things just keep piling up and idk how long i can sustain it until it all falls down#i guess this anxiety kinda comes from having had really poor mental health during my school yrs... maybe i still do but ahh#i just wonder when the next time that everything comes crashing is gonna be yk. it feels so inevitable but the stakes only get higher#so i dunno. ive been having a hard time sleeping from anxiety.. which gives me more anxiety... which gives me even more anxiety#im supposed to be cramming these tasks into these little pockets of time but i blink and a day is gone and then a week and a month.. a year#i want to do the things i have to do but also the things i want to do. but also REST#and ik that the balance between those things is extremely necessary.. bc losing that balance is exactly how shit hits the fan#hows anyone gonna manage that?#but i guess learning to do that is what life is all about.... lmfaooooooooooooooo#time keeps slipping man i hate it#ill keep trying tho ✌️ all i can do
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Spent so long trying to separate my brain from the vague and undefined essence of My Being to survive the Mental Illness that I basically re-enacted Gnosticism 2.0 and not to be like, that's why my OCD emerged later than my more common flavoured generalized anxiety& chronic depression Brainrot, but it definitely Did Not Help. And now that I am (sometimes) at peace with my mind and given that I am no longer spending every waking moment trying to stay alive I have time to reflect on the lasting body-mind-soul division that I've created for myself and like. It fuckin sucks. I hate the body. I hate that I hate the body and being an incarnate creature. But also. It's so bad wrong awful. And tbh I still hate the mind a lot many days too!
#anyway bryn ur post is SO right and u are as always. correct#i just didnt wanna hijack it w rambles#but yeah.theee mental illness has done a number on me in many ways#but yeah the uh. body. we hate to see it. hate to have it.#smtn smthn tmg hebrews 11.40 i will get my perfect body back someday#if not by faith then by the sword im going to be restored. vibe. of it qll#also in the sparrow 2 emiliom talks abt this. and why he cant just get over what happened to him physically#because it was also a repeated assault of his soul#like yeah theres a lot of dynamics there re. divine abandonment and assault. but hes basically right#viz. my own hm horrible terrible no good very bad existence#sometimes i am terrified of eternity not for the usual reasons (im always terrified for those reasons its the ocd and existentialism)#but also for the like. physical resurrection??? in my religion??? fuck no. i DONT want that#i have to be stuck in this stupid ass form forever?#i cant even *** to get out of it ITS FOREVER#i want. to be a genderless shapeless benevolent void. maybe i can take on physical form when i want need#like the angels. i dont want THIS#anyway yeah yeah I'm trying but it just keeps getting harder#nothing fits right or looks right and im at the mercy of genetics giving me a body i dont want#and I cant even just sweat it out in agony bc oh boy look! youve now developed chronic joint pain TOO#if i cant look like i do in my mind i might as well be strong and powerful#but oh no. bitch is gonna get SO many physical ailments too#I DON'T WANNA DIE BUT I DONT WANNA LIVE LIKE THIS#franposting#brought to u by. button up shirt didnt sit right today. hips too thick for anything. have a whole extra goddam organ in my stomach#which i hate and do not want or need#etc etc etc
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fym mid june next year i need him NOW
#snap chats#'mid june' more like sexy june amirite ladies#oh my good it was so much cheaper than i thought itd be im so happy#ignore the old many yaoi in my cart right under this. ichi dont look at that.#ill prob post that when i get it tbh it's supposed to come mid december </3#can it come now let me read mfer my fave artists in there#anyway. give me him NOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#and the aoki plush supposed to ship in february... THATS WHEN THE SONIC MOVIE COMES OUT#im taking aoki to watch sonic and then he can see shadow and i can traumatize him#maybe i should take daigo instead.... i can take them both but then mine's home alone...#and i dont trust leaving aoki and mine alone... what if they kill each other and leave a mess... awful...#ok im done talking about my night bye LOOL
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hey guys just graduated
#finally glad to be done with exams and do fuck all#tbh i think the only thing ill miss is seeing my friends on a daily basis and always having someone to talk to... lets see if i can maintai#these friendships.... also i have No Idea what im gonna do in uni bro i just want the freedom tbfh like i just keep avoiding researching ab#courses and shit cuz it makes my head explode. basically the 2 major unis in my city r basically the same in my head like uni a) is more#prestigious thus conservative but is more accessible and i like their offering better but uni b) atmosphere is much more relaxed#and the campus is really well planned out < guy who loves urban planning#only issue its like 2hrs via pt like ill die. also this is btw if i get into these schools#bruhh uni is lowkey a scam only like 24 weeks of school and debt. anyway#i wanna get my p plate this summer (i have not driven once) also most of my friends r going overseas (i wish that were meeeeee)#i can finally catch up on new music loonaurrrr also its my bday soon. hope u guys enjoyed this life update
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