It’s interesting the way that I, as a trans person, put SO much more emphasis on chosen names than my cis coworkers, particularly in the sense of being VERY careful to call people what they preferred to be called.

I’m a HUGE stickler about getting names right, spelling them correctly, using appropriate nicknames, respecting name changes, etc. when it comes to my historical research. Names are important and meaningful and respecting them is crucial to me.

PTA III

[Trevante Rhodes x Reader]

Word Count: 2.2K

Summer had come and gone in the blink of an eye yet felt as long as finals week when you were earning your teaching degree.  School ended last quarter with a clumsy splat seeing as the first wave of virus knocked everything out of order very quick. You stressed out running lessons to the school for kids to pick up and working with families with limited to no internet access pulled your patience to its thinnest layer.

So when all had officially finished, you had to take the time to yourself as best as you could.  In a normal summer, you would plan a getaway to just about anywhere you hadn’t seen before and the more solo the better.  Sipping something alcoholic in a warm climate with the Sun toasting your skin to its peak melanated beauty was all you would need to pack you full of endorphins that could last you into the next year.

But that wasn’t the plan now.  Travel restrictions keep you from going out of town and you can’t even get a decent dinner anymore seeing as most restaurants are dine out only.  The only silver lining you can muster is the mask mandates allowing you to keep from smiling at strangers in awkward politeness when they get in your way.  It is a layer of protection for your sanity and solitude.  

However that wasn’t the only silver lining you have from the summer.  Mr. Rhodes, or Trevante as he has to still remind you, became very generous with his time with you outside of the classroom.  As much as you try to keep things professional for your jobs sake, he won’t let you be for any little thing.  Your email has message after message from him asking about simple math for everyday things that apparently Nemour needed refreshing on, followed by a ‘so how you been doing?’

Email 1

“Dear Ms. (Y/N), I am contacting you in regards to my son, Nemour.  While in the grocery today, we came across a sale for oranges, 3lb. for $5.  But then this other store has 5 lb. for $6.  Now he is itching to know what price would be the better one to go for?”

Your response:

“Dear Mr. Rhodes,  Although my primary concentration is History, you can tell Nemour that he should go for the second deal with 5lb.”

“Perfect, that’s why you’re the teacher!  So...how’ve you been?”

Sometimes you reply, and sometimes you leave him on read, it depends on how conversational you feel.  But as time progressed, you got excited to see his emails asking to remind him what the 3 branches of government are or what amendment means what?  He even got you on video chat to discuss.

“What?!  So slavery isn’t really abolished on that bullshit?”  Trevante exclaims in awe.

You throw your hands up, aghast as if you just learned it yourself.  “That’s the thing about American government.  They will throw a loophole where you least expect it and throw a parade like the shit ain’t bout to pop out.”

“Damn!  That’s like some Trojan horse shit honestly,”  he shakes his head, taking a swig of his beer.

You snap your finger, “Exactly, my man, exactly!  That’s why nobody can agree on anything worth a damn.  There’s gonna be a clause somewhere that adds some shit that makes the whole thing rotten. But you didn’t hear it from me, so don’t let Nemour know I’m saying this kind of stuff.”

He twists his face in confusion.  “Why wouldn’t I?  My son got a right to know about what this country is founded on.  Everyone does.”

“Yeah I know.  Just...when topics like these pop up it’s difficult to keep it all…” your voice trails off as you search your bedroom for the words you are looking for.

“Politically Incorrect?”  he offers.

You nod a little.  “Kinda, yeah.”

He sets down his beer, sitting a little closer to the screen.  “You shouldn’t have to worry about that.  History is literally set in stone.  If we didn’t have it, we wouldn’t know what to do with ourselves now.”

“Do we know what to do now though?”  you ask in a higher pitch, squinting like you stepped in hot coals.

Trevante took a minute looking at you before dipping his head down to chuckle.  You could hear the pounding baritone in his chest from your speakers.

“What?  What’s that about?”  you ask.

He sits up again, stroking his beard, “It’s cute when you make your face like that.  That’s all.”

You roll your eyes, pulling your scarf further down your forehead to make up for slipping.  

Trevante tuts at you.  “I need a bucket or something to catch these compliments you keep throwing away that I toss at you.  You don’t believe me or what?”

You give a very dignified look, “I believe I am beautiful.  I just don’t believe in entertaining a parent, is all.”

Trevante sighs.  “Summer don’t count (y/n).  You’re not his teacher now so what’s the issue?”

You look off to the side and back at him.  The crisp white t shirt he has on is obstructing more of the view of his body then you care for but the tightness at the sleeve around his bicep makes up for what you know is already there.

“Hello?”  he says.

You blink a few times, crossing your arms.  “Hm?”

“You go off into space a lot too.  What’s on your mind when you do that?”

His arms around your waist that tightly bind you to his body as you inhale his sweet cologne that is perfectly distributed from his neck to chest.

You scratch your neck, and tell a half lie.  “Oh, just this new school year.”

“See this is a perk of having a teacher friend.  Fill me in, what’s up?”

“Well, all I have right now is that we are doing hybrid learning, so some classes at the school and some at home.  Now the district just need to provide the materials for the kids to be able to do that.  The internet, the laptop/tablets, and make sure we can all connect and no one is behind on lessons.  And since I am on the front line, I have to get creative with the lesson plans and keep people on task and on time.”

Trevante nods.  “Well me and Nemour are excited to see what you have for us next year, whatever it is.”

You smirk at the encouragement.  “Thank you Tre, but I can’t guarantee we will be together for the next school year.  That’s decided at random.  Plus the grade he is in next year is the last one I teach.”

“Nah, we gonna be in there.  If I have to sign a petition or boycott like these hot breathed whites out here not wearing masks, we will be in your class this fall.”

You bust out laughing at his determination.  “Dang, Tre!  Don’t go starting a ruckus up there cuz of me!  He will still be taught well, whoever he has a teacher.”

He makes a cut it motion across his neck.  “Nah, we only rock with the best and that’s you up there.  I will make all the, what you call it?  Ruckus?  That shit!  So I will be seeing you first day in the fall, ok?”

You feel heat spread over your skin from shyness.  His brash attitude comes out and makes you feel like a superstar.  “Ok, I’ll hold you to it.  How’s Nemour doing anyway?”

Trevante nods, picking up his laptop as he changes rooms.  “He is doing well, being a regular kid.  Playing and doing his chores.”

You nod.  “Great!”

He closes a door behind him as he lays the laptop down, you can tell he is laying across his bed on his stomach as he speaks.

“He has been asking me a lot more questions about police and like, if they stop me or him, what’s gonna happen and what do we do?  Should we run away?  Can we not live by cops, stuff like that.”

You heart breaks hearing this. “Wow, and this is coming from a child?”

He nods, resting his chin on his forearm.  “It’s part my fault.  I’m always looking at the news and if he sitting at the table eating breakfast or whatever, he’s gonna see it.  I cut it off when they show bodycam footage though cuz that is nothing but toxic.”

“I can’t count how many times I had to see them replay that man dying in the street.  And in front of people watching, they don’t care who is watching cuz what can you do?  You can’t interfere or that’s a charge on you but he could’ve lived.”

Trevante looks spaced out for a second hearing this.  “I know, and that’s why it’s hard explaining to Nemour what everything is about.  I give him the basics though:  Do what the officer says, don’t argue, and don’t get into shit that’s gonna get the cops called  on you either.  But it sounds played out to even say.  What did everybody else do that’s dead now?”

“Nothing.  Sleep in their bed, going to the store, jogging.  Not a damn thing that warranted a bullet.”

Trevante gives a small shrug, looking sad like he is staring at his reflection in a pond.  “Yeah, so he been grappling with that and that’s a lot for a kid his age.  That’s why I want him to be your student still too cuz you’re one of the only Black teachers there and I honestly think he is uncomfortable with white people right now.  We went to the store the other day and he calls himself protecting me saying if the man getting bread bothers me, he put on his little Timbs so he can stomp him for me.”

You gasp at the thought, giving a weak smile.  “I mean, that would go viral for some child to curb stomp a big old white dude.”

Tre smiled some too.  “I think Nemour was this close to saying ‘Don’t worry bout it sweetheart.’  I can’t let him look at no internet again.”

You put your foot up and say, “He finna give him that SPLAHH!”

Trevante laughs heartily, wiping his eyes, “You more hip than I thought too.”

“I had some wine earlier, so that might’ve helped.”  You put a finger to your mouth and pull up the glass from the nightstand.  

“Oh shit!  So this is Turnt Teacher!  Go head then, don’t let me stop you”

You wave him off.  “You aren’t stopping anything.  If nothing else, you keeping me going.  All this house shit is working my last nerve, it’s nice to see a familiar face every once in a while.”

“I think so too.  You’ve been a great addition to some weeknights this summer.”

You put a thumbs up as you sip your wine.  “Are we still doing a movie tonight?  I think it’s my turn to pick.”

Trevante curls up a lip.  “Nah, I don’t think so.”

Your heart sank a little, already having queued up a selection to watch.  “That’s ok, it is late.”

“Yeah, but really I wanna see you in person.”

Your body tensed at the invitation.  Thinking over the last few months of chatting, he has warmed up to you as an individual, but you aren’t sure if that feeling can translate outside of a screen.  Behind the camera it’s safe, you can be cute and mysterious but vulnerable and clumsy and it all comes up roses for him.  In person, cute and mysterious can seem pretentious and vulnerable and clumsy could just be a weirdo geek to him.

“Well,” you start, “I would but...you know this...pandemic is just…”

“I know,” he says.

“...awful, right?  So I just don’t think I can comfortably do that...now?”

Trevante thinks for a second.  “We can stay within the parameters of the guidelines though right?  Six feet, masks, no crowded space.  If you want, we can do that.  I just…” he sighs heavily, looking tired as he rubs his eyes, “...I have been getting stir crazy and you are the main one I have been keeping contact with outside of family, yet I only spent time in person on Valentine’s Day that one meeting we had.  And you had a date later!”

You laugh at him, remembering their first meeting that could’ve been an email no doubt.

“Yeah, you’re right.” 

“Do you wanna go out with me?  Be honest!”

“Tre, I told you-”

“See?  You even call me Tre now.  We familiar right?  I don’t usually have to beg like this but ma’am, you almost got me on bended knee!”

“Uh…”  you start to feel bad but your mouth stops working under pressure.

“Six feet,” he reminds you.  If nothing else, that makes you less inclined to want to go because what can you do?  No kissing that’s for sure.

“I don’t want to confuse Nemour,”  you rebuttal.

“He will be watched by a guardian, trust me.  He won’t be cramping out grown folks business.”

You feel a flutter in your stomach that fuels your excitement.  A plan to go out, with a man no less!  This could turn the summer around or be a disaster on the horizon.

“Don’t overthink it.  You’re a smart woman, but I don’t want you to overcalculate this.  You wanna see me, I wanna see you.  We’ll play it safe, and finally see each other in some natural light.”

You nod slowly, a smile creeps across your face as his argument finally sways you.  “Ok, I’m in.  Pick the time and place.”

Tag you!

@chaneajoyyy​

Blakeworther (and maybe some other people like Zalmona and Winston) playing Minecraft

Okay, it’s TIME FOR TACKLING THIS

A warning is that I...have even less knowledge of Minecraft than Among Us, so I’m just Googling stuff about survival mode/SMP and if I get details wrong I’m sorry in advance but this prompt was gold

-So normally, Vincent/Victor/Albert play competitive SMP where they just...try their best to kill each other ASAP and see who’s the last standing. One day, they agreed unanimously to try a collaborative effort. The three of them will work together to attempt to reach the Ender Dragon, and they’ll have the server open so other people can just come mess around in their world without having to be part of their specific quest.

-Albert, this is a collaborative attempt. No murder.

-ALBERT THIS IS A COLLAB CAMPAIGN

-So after a couple false starts, they finally spawn on the first night! And they need SUPPLIES

-Now, they aren’t allowed to kill each other, but other players are free game. So Albert decides to solve the problem by offing Zalmona and raiding her stuff.

-Vincent and Victor start out by trying to forage and say that they didn’t take the easy way out until they’re like “Raiding a village is still a challenge. Let’s do it.”

-All right! They’ve got enough stuff to build a small house!

-Vincent does not want the SMALL HOUSE.

-Albert gets to come on the next village raid and now they can build something a little closer to a mansion

-Vincent starts in with his usual flirt-fighting of “Victor and I will sleep in the same room; Albert’s bed is in the attic” but after some teasing broke out, Vincent then decided “Actually, MY bed is in the attic. I don’t want anywhere near you two.”

-The crafting table looks suspiciously like a bar.

-Time to go ORE HUNTING!

-Once again Albert is trying to just kill other players and take their ores

-Meanwhile, Vincent and Victor go mining together and happen upon a diamond deposit! Vincent says the sensible thing to do would be to gather enough diamond to craft one sword/suit of armor at a time, and craft it, then move onto the next. And those tools should go to Vincent because that’s obviously the objective best person to give them to.

-Victor argues that as a CIO he already knows that is NOT how we do business. We divide the diamond equally or not at all. And by “not at all” he means “If we can’t play nice, VICTOR makes the first suit of armor for himself”

-They have an argument for about thirty minutes until Albert shows up with the spoils of a hundred poor victims and there’s enough here for everyone anyway

-(The one thing I don’t even know how to Google is if you can even take supplies off murdered teammates in SMP. I don’t even know if that’s a thing.)

-Victor, what do you mean you found Obsidian by ACCIDENT. For what reason were you just pouring water on lava? Why were you that close to the lava?

-They contract Winston to do most of the work building the Nether Portal.

-You know, since Winston helped us out, we should repay him by at least NOT killing him and taking his sup - ALBERT THIS IS A COLLABORATIVE CAMPAIGN

-So Winston’s dead and respawning by now and we’d better run because he’s going to make us pay hell for that. Thanks Albert

-Taylor’s already in the Nether somehow and puts in the chat “I like it better here than the overworld. Can I just build my house here instead?”

-Albert: “CAN we build our house here instead?”

-Vincent: “If we have enough to make a DECENT house”

-Victor’s already trying to see if the Nether materials will stack together into a nice wall

-There’s waaaaaay too much time wasted on trying to build a frickin mansion in the Nether

-Then the monster hordes show up

-Albert: I WANT. TO BEFRIEND THE MONSTERS

-Victor is just like FINALLY. NOW IT’S MY TIME TO BE THE MURDER MANIAC ON ALL THESE ZOMBIE PIGMEN

-Vincent: “Let’s just avoid them like normal people”

-They don’t ignore them like normal people.

-Oh but then they hit the Nether Fortress and all ideas of building a mansion are discarded because we can just take over THIS place. It’s big, it’s fancy, it’s filled with random monsters and that’s how we all live

-So they pick up not only several Blaze Rods but also a new base of operations. Just put a frickin bed in the middle of the Blaze mob spawn area

-It takes them a while to actually go back to the overworld. Vanora shows up at one point like “Do you guys live here or what”

-Winston attempts to launch a raid on the Nether Fortress because they murdered him after his help on the Nether Portal earlier, and it fails spectacularly because Vincent, Victor, and Albert now perfectly co-exist alongside the natural threats of the Fortress and Winston never stood a chance. The worst part is he roped Zalmona into it and now they’re both dead

-For the record, Winston just happened upon Zalmona in the Nether and she had no idea how she’d even gotten there but proclaimed that she must’ve pulled off an epic feat in order to do so. Also she does a lot of bragging about the minerals she’s got and how amazing she is for collecting them. They’re actually all fairly common stuff but Winston hypes her up anyway

-Eventually Vincent kicks them all into gear because they have a campaign to finish. They can come back here later after endgame. Victor digs in his heels because he wants to chill in the Fortress and make more furniture but the other two leave and he has to catch up

-Enderman invasion time. “Hey, Albert! We’re collecting EYEBALLS!”

-Vincent and Victor can kick back and look for ores while Albert goes ham offing Endermen and racking up Ender Pearls

-Except he then asks why he should even give any of his Ender Pearl stash to the other two. Vincent is livid, but...

-Victor: “Okay. Keep your pearls. And we’ll use the ores we found to make cool things but you can’t have any. We’ll be making new weapons, actually. Better than yours - “

-They split the pearls. This is why the CIO is in charge of supply distribution

-All right, they’re on their way to the End Portal! Thankfully, they don’t need to rope Winston into building it because, uh, he’s still mad and out for blood

-Ender Dragon fight goes well enough, and the guys spawn back in the Overworld so they can go back to their house in the Nether and continue nefarious schemes

-Speaking of nefarious schemes, though. Winston and Zalmona have rallied everyone in the server to go kill Vincent, Victor, and Albert. REVENGE HOUSE HAS BECOME THE REVENGED-AGAINST

-Vincent is just like “Okay, let’s just talk things out and apologize. Come to our fortress for tea.”

-And everyone rallies to hear what explanation Vincent has for this because IT BETTER BE GOOD

-Vincent and Victor play gracious hosts, finding everyone places to sit, chatting about small talk. It’s obvious something’s...off with the two of them, but then again, when do Vincent and Victor not seem off

-Finally, they gather everyone in one room

-Wait. Isn’t one of them missing?

-In the basement, Albert puts the last block on the WITHER and bolts

-Vincent and Victor run once he gives the signal. The Wither bursts through the floor and attempts to murder EVERYONE who they invited over

-They’d planned this together from the very start and the three of them are laughing like idiots

-Now Vincent just wants to go back up to the Overworld and make as big of a mansion as possible, with custom architecture. Victor agrees that sounds like a nice idea.

-THIS IS STILL A COLLABORATIVE CAMPAIGN ALBERT -

Lack or Inability

The evening sun was warm for this late in the summer in Eluthane. They might even be spared the autumn freeze longer than usual, Hiereus thought as he walked with a basket of goods from the storerooms below the Temple.

Though the Eluthane counsel oversaw the work, the Temple priesthood was responsible for distributing goods to each family. Every week most of the city would come to the green outside the Temple to exchange empty baskets for one full of allotted provisions.    

Most got the same each week, though requested items would often be included. Books from the Temple library, toys for children, clothing, or materials for hobbies and work.  

While most came to the green themselves, some couldn’t each week, and for that the priesthood delivered items to homes. This brought Hiereus to the door of Patos, a man he had seldom met. No sound came from the home when he knocked. “Patos, are you home?” he called. “It’s Hiereus, you know Phose’s son. My sister and I were recently made priests.” His mother let him know this might happen, still he waited a bit.

“I have your food, and the book you requested.” still no answer. “I wanted to know if you needed anything I can bring you next time?” Something shifted inside and then silence; at least he knew Patos was home even if he didn’t respond.  “I can just leave this at your door for you. Send word to the Temple if you need anything else,” he said setting down the basket before leaving.

He had walked a few yards off when the door opened. “Wait,” the man’s voice called, “I need you to return my empty baskets.”

Hiereus smiled as he returned to the house.

“I… Um…” Patos started, “have two baskets to send back with you, and a pot that I finished the preserves from a month ago.” He retreated into his home to find the baskets.

With the door left open Hiereus could see inside. Wooden and ceramic figures of animals, people, trees, and so forth were displayed on shelves on the far side of the room. The detail and liveliness of the art was exceptional.

He had seen some of Patos’ work before. Occasionally his work came through the Temple to either be exported or given to members of the community. Hiereus’ friend Luso had grown up playing with a wooden fox that Patos made.

“Oh, thank you,” Hiereus said, accepting the stack of baskets and a carefully cleaned pot. “I have to say your sculptures are lovely.”

Patos smiled vaguely, “Thanks,” he said, “I haven’t made anything for a while.”

“Still, you’re very good at it.” Patos nodded and looked uncomfortable so Hiereus changed the subject, “Is there anything you need, or would like me to bring next week?”

“Hmm…” Patos made his expression blank and visibly shrank, “I think I’ll just read this book. I, um, haven’t felt like much recently, and with winter coming… I don’t know.” He looked down as he spoke and trailed off at the end of each sentence before starting the next.

“It’s fine if you don’t have anything to ask for. I’ll be back next week and you can let me know if you think of anything.” Hiereus offered him a friendly smile. “In the meantime, may the light of the Flame keep you and your home.” He waved as he offered the blessing.

“You as well,” Patos said, stepping back as if preparing to shut the door, and only stayed waiting for Hiereus to leave.

Hiereus smiled again and nodded before going, and he heard the door close behind him.

It was four weeks before Patos answered again.      

“I brought your week’s food,” Hiereus called. The door opened, and Patos appeared, his expression blank as if he were hiding under a mask.

“I got a sending from your mom. She said I had to answer for you today or she would come herself. I didn’t respond, but you can tell her that I answered?”

Hiereus frowned a little, he felt bad that his mom had threatened him. It wasn’t much of a threat, though for Patos it was enough.

“I felt bad I haven’t finished the book yet, but it’s past time I returned it.” Patos said, offering the book back.

“Did you enjoy reading it?”

“Oh, it’s interesting and well written,” he let slip a frown as he looked down at it. “I tried to finish it today before you arrived, I’m only about half way through it though.”

“You know, no one has requested it, if you like I can enter the log that you need more time with it.”  

“Oh don’t bother yourself,”

Hiereus offered a sympathetic frown, “Did you know it took me a long time to learn how to read?” he asked and Patos shook his head, “It was difficult for me, the letters seemed to jumble together, I still read slower than most people, so I get it if you need more time.”

“My problem’s not…” Patos started, but  Hiereus cut him off.

“You were enjoying it weren’t you?” and Patos nodded, “Then I’ll get you more time, it's not any bother for me.”

Patos pursed his lips into what could almost be called a smile. “Thanks,” he said.  “I suppose I ought to give you my empty baskets.” he went into his house to retrieve them.

He came back looking uncertain, “I,” he started, “I think I could try making something. Could you have some log sections sent up? I feel guilty not contributing when everyone else does so much.”

Hiereus nodded, and made a note of the request. His mother had explained Patos’ depression to him, and he wanted to express that it wasn’t necessary, reassure him he would be cared for even if he couldn’t work, such was the way of the Flame. Instead he said, “Your efforts are appreciated, I’ll have some wood sent over.”

“Thanks,” Patos said.

“May the light of the Flame bless you and your labors” Hiereus offered the blessing before leaving.  

In the coming weeks Patos answered more regularly for him, and seemed less guarded. One day after exchanging baskets, Patos stopped him. “Wait,” he said. “I have some things for you to take back to the Temple.”

Before long Patos returned with some wooden figures, “I’m sorry it took me so long to make them.”

Hiereus looked at each of them and placed them in the basket. A caribou, an owl, and a horse, each lifelike and highly detailed.

“These are really impressive!” Hiereus exclaimed. “To be honest, I don’t know anything about woodworking so I hadn’t expected them before now.” He also hadn’t assumed Patos simply didn’t want to make them for his own enjoyment, but he left that part unsaid. “I’m sure whomever these go to will love them.”

“Do you know if they will stay in Eluthane, or be sent out with the trade goods?” Patos asked. “I don’t know,” Hiereus confessed, “We always take into account the needs of the community first before sending items with our traders.”

“I always wonder how our work is regarded when it's sent out. I like to imagine my efforts bring joy to others. May the light of the Flame keep them strong wherever they go.”

“I’m sure they will,” Hiereus said, “I knew some of your work as a child, one of my friends had a fox you made. I’d keep something like this on display in my home, it's quite lovely.”

“I’m glad you like it. People seem to like my work,” he said. “Oh before I forget, these aren’t the only things I made for you to take back,” he added, retreating and coming back with a free form loaf of bread.

“I baked this a few hours ago. The Thuometha is in two days and I would be happy to know I contributed something.”

“My mom is taking over the role of chief priest from Eipen this year. I’ll talk to both of them and have it included. Thank you for this. Do you need me to bring any more flour to replace it?” he said.

“Oh, no. I don’t always eat it fast enough anyways. Thank you for taking my contributions.”

Hiereus nodded, “May the Flame’s light preserve your will.” He gave the blessing, and Patos returned it before leaving.

***

It was late in the evening after the Thuometha. Hiereus had been disappointed but not surprised when he realized Patos had missed the communal meal, and he had taken it on himself to set aside a pot with portions of each of the dishes to take up to the man’s home.

“Patos, It’s Hiereus, I brought food from the Thuometha.” The door opened and Hiereus could see the man had been crying.

“It’s getting cold out. Do you need to step inside?” Patos asked.

Hiereus nodded and came in.

“Thank you for bringing me some of the meal. I tried to come this year, but well I find it difficult to go places,” he said sitting at his table. “I don’t remember how many years it's been since I was able to go. I do miss it though, the celebrations, the community sacrifice, the red of an Euluthanai fire. I could see the braziers on the green from my window; that was nice.”

“I gave your loaf to my mom, they used it for the ritual.”

With that Patos eyes lit up, “Thanks for letting me know; I’m glad I had something to offer. I wish it were easier for me to go to such things.”  

Hierus nodded, “I don’t know if you’re interested,” he said, “but the lighting of the kiln is in a couple weeks. It’ll be my first time taking part in a public ritual.”

“Oh, congratulations!” Patos said warmly, “I… Well I’ll try to go, but I can’t promise anything. I have a hard time with crowds. I haven’t been to a lot for a long time.”

“You know there is always someone at the Temple keeping the Flame under the central oculus. Throughout the night just one or two priests attend it at a time. My sister and I will be taking a turn day after tomorrow. You know me, and if you know me you pretty much know her. You said you missed seeing the red of an Eluthanai fire... if you came it would just be the three of us and the Flame.”

“That would be nice, I’ll probably take you up on that.”

Hiereus nodded, “I’d best be going, enjoy the food. It should still be warm in that pot.”

***

What was called spring elsewhere was more than half gone when the snow finally retreated in Eluthane. Patos never came to the Temple in the nights when Hiereus kept the flame, though he still delivered his baskets every week.  

“Do you mind walking with me for a bit,” Patos asked one evening when Hiereus came.

“Sure there’s still plenty of daylight left,” he answered.

“Thanks,” Patos said, “I like to see the spring flowers on the hillside when they come. It's my favorite in the cycle of seasons.”

Hiereus gestured for Patos to lead on and they walked in silence. Occasionally a passer by would stop them to chat and Hiereus would talk and perform the expected niceties before continuing.

The hillside was speckled with little yellow and orange flowers, and they looked out at them for a bit. Later they walked past the edge of the forest where pine trees were just putting on new growth and the normally dark evergreens were speckled with young light green branches.

“Thank you,” Patos said as they approached his home again. “People are very welcoming, but I never know what to say to people if they want to talk. So thank you for helping me go out today.”

“It was no problem,” Hiereus said, “During the spring and summer at least I can probably go walking each week when I come.”

“Every week sounds like a lot for me, but thank you, I’ll let you know if I’m up to it,” he answered. “Oh before you go...” and Patos retreated into his house, and returned holding a wooden sculpture of a wind blown tree on a hill.

“I had thought to give this to you on a night when I visited you keeping the Flame at the Temple, but I don’t know when I’ll work myself up to go out at night. Anyways I made this when I was about your age.”

“This is…” he stopped, lost for words. “You were very talented even back then. Thank you.”

“I made that for my mother, and I’ve kept it since she died. I want you to have it now, because…” he hesitated, “you remind me of her in a way. I’m sorry. That’s a weird thing to say.” he chuckled nervously.  

“It’s fine,” Hiereus said, looking down at the gift.

“I was saying before, Eluthane is welcoming, but I don’t know how to be with people, and very few take time to even silently spend time with me. Still I don’t know if I could survive anywhere else.”

“The Way of the Flame is a shelter,” Hiereus said.

“It is,” Patos responded.

They sat quietly for several minutes after that. “I should let you go,” Patos said, “it still gets very cold after dark, but thank you again for your time.”

“Thanks again, for the gift.” Hiereus said, standing, “It really is a treasure. Take care and may the Flame guard and guide your path.”

Patos nodded and waved him on.

Doki Doki Grist Panic! Ch. 1

pairing: John/Dave Characters: John Egbert, Dave Strider, Bro Strider cw: Canon Typical Violence, magical boys, more tags to be added as needed

AO3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27802735/chapters/68066416

The life of a magical boy is a tough one, but Dave doesn't really have much of a choice in the matter. It's the fate he was handed, and the fate he'll cope with. With new enemies spawning in his city left and right, Dave has his hands full trying to maintain the peace and little time for much else. That is, until the cute boy he rescued turns up in his college class and seems to share all of his interests. Is love on the horizon? Or is love too much to hope for in this line of work?

     There were nearly too many to count by the time Dave arrived on the scene, dark creatures that looked like they were born from an oil slick, their shoulders and head decked with odd looking colorful scraps of fabric collars and hats. Most of the people had fled the area when the hungry beasts had turned up, but a few victims had been downed by the creatures, their bodies lying limp surrounded by bright colorful gems of energy in a rainbow of colors.

     Grist. It was the energy of this planet, the energy that powered every living thing, and as such it was a tasty target for most enemies from beyond the asteroid belt who wanted a quick powerup. Dave had run into plenty of creatures before, both from home and from beyond, who were a threat to the populace, but he’d never seen beings act this efficiently before.

     Everywhere the creatures jumped they left behind an oily mess, even soiling the grist their greedy hands reached for, wanting to throw the delicate candy looking items into their mouths. Were they just going to eat them to further their own power? Or were they eating them to transport them? It didn’t matter. They weren’t going to get far. Dave was planning on doing a silent takedown, a sneak attack, but he realized there was a risk. A lone person was standing in the midst of the carnage, dark hair and tanned skin stark against a blue sweater the color of the crisp autumn sky itself and a bright white shirt collar.

     He had to get them safe, before they fell to the same fate as the scattered bodies.

     Right. Showy it was, then.

     “STOP RIGHT THERE,” Dave cried, bounding out of cover and out into view in a flash of red. His black and white knee high boots, black buttons shining on the side, clicked on the concrete as he landed safely from the larger than life jump he’d performed. The black leggings he wore beneath the red, gear pattern edged tunic were pristine from the recent transformation, the same material coating his arms and chest like a second skin. The dark red cape he wore fluttered in the wind, hood down and back, white hair windswept. It was quite the impressive appearance, all things considered.

     “Wh-what?” said the soon to be victim. His eyes were pretty to look at behind the thick glasses he wore, black frames perched on his nose. He didn’t look nearly as terrified as he should have, but then again shock can do a lot to a person.

     “Get to cover!” Dave barked, a gloved hand pointing to the clear area he’d come from. As planned, the creatures focused on him, pausing in their gorey gathering ritual to flock his direction. Another flash of red, the afterimage of a slowly ticking gear hanging behind him for a moment and Dave had summoned his weapon of choice, a long silvery blade with a gilt crossguard, broadsword firm and true. He bounced on the balls of his feet for a moment, hyping himself up as he shifted his grip, before pointing the sword at the incoming beasts.

     “You will not best me. I am a warrior of Earth and you’re not gonna get in my way!” he shouted.

     Time slowed around him briefly, the clock gear flashing in the air behind him as he darted forwards, giving him enough speed and delay to get in the heavy strikes he needed against the inky interlopers. Their bodies felt solid at first hit, but when they collapsed it was into grist and oil slick once more. Darting around this way, the creatures slower than usual, gave him an upper hand that was in some ways criminal. They were low tier creatures judging from their density alone and the lack of a fight they put up, but their numbers were still worrisome to Dave. He was panting by the time he finished the slicing and dicing, black gunk coated grist littering the ground behind him.

     He held the sword as he caught his breath before slowly straightening, loosening his grip on it and willing it back from where it had been summoned. The released grist was slowly beginning to move, rolling and bouncing back towards the limp bodies they had come from. With luck, they’d wake up soon. No doubt the police would be coming shortly, ambulance in tow, if only from the amount of people that had run away in terror.

     Right, where was- Oh. Good, there he was. The fellow from before, mister blue sweater, seemed fine and dandy. A little wide eyed in shock now, but who could blame him? It wasn’t often that Dave had to make appearances where people could see him. It was far, far easier being a magical boy out of view of the populace, guarding people from a distance, not having to deal with aftermath even if he was capable of making quick escapes unseen. Mister blue sweater might have been hit if he hadn’t exposed himself as he had.

     Actually, speaking of-

     “What’s your name?” Dave asked as he clicked his way closer to the bystander’s side, glancing him over. No sign of damage. A little oil on his shoes, when he looked closer, but otherwise unharmed. Good.

     “John,” said the black haired fellow. “Who are..?”

     Dave smiled a bit, reaching a gloved hand up to flick his bangs away from his face. “Doesn’t matter who I am. John, you got really lucky. Do me a favor: when the cops get here, make sure that the people who are still asleep get help. They should wake up soon, but some might be feeling sick for a while after this. Grist doesn’t always redistribute evenly, when there’s a lot scattered like that.” Pain in the neck, really, but what could anyone do? Somehow have an inventory of how much grist people had at the moment of attack then inventory reclaimed grist and distribute it evenly? Impossible.

     He smiled then, blue eyes crinkling at the edges, and showed buck teeth that were actually pretty charming when taken in with the rest of the whole. The upside of this duty Dave had, this burden in some lights, was that he got to see all kinds of people. Even the really cute ones. Charmed, but needing to beat feet, Dave smirked and turned around, making a series of difficult leaps to reach the top of the buildings before speeding away, flash stepping out of sight and allowing the magic to slowly fade. There were no more feelings of intense wrong, nothing on his internal radar nearby, at least for the night. Safety had returned. Time to relax.

     By the time Dave was closer to home, his hair had changed back to blonde from the stark white it had been during the fight, and the uniform had returned to the clothing he’d been wearing before the change, a simple t-shirt and some jeans with rips in the knees, sunglasses, high top sneakers and a chain wallet, his keys with the stupid heart keychain Dirk had given him that he’d never bothered to get rid of. He made his way up the long sets of stairs before unlocking the door with his key, waving to his Bro where he sat on the futon in front of the television, playing a video game.

     “Hey.”

     “Hey,” he heard back, ignoring the sound of familiar game music in favor of carefully raiding the fridge for something to eat. “Very big of a mess this time?”

     “Nah. Nothing I can’t handle,” Dave said, settling on a bottle of juice. Instant ramen sounded better than the leftovers that were available, even if it was mostly salt and carbs. He was tired and needed something hot. “Y’know, if you thought it might be a big mess you could’ve at least bothered to cook.”

     “You’re a big boy, you can handle it,” Bro said casually. “When I used to run around on the beat, I-”

     “Flew uphill both ways in the snow,” Dave said flatly, annoyed, but breaking his noodles into a bowl and adding water and the powder before slapping it into the microwave to cook.

     “No, I was gonna say I didn’t have anyone to run me a bath and cook me stuff, I was on my own. If I could do it, you can do it. Who knows when I won’t be here to help back you up anyway?”

     “Back me up?” Dave said, brows lifting over his shades. “You can’t back shit up when it comes to some of these things!”

     “Please, Dave. I might not be magic anymore, but I still know how the fuck to fight some monsters.”

     “If anyone could back me up against monsters, it’d be Dirk, but he’s off bein’ a prettyboy ninja stud fuck knows where. You need magic to beat this shit, or at least the shit that’s turned up in the last few years. You know that. You knew that before you gave everything up an-”

     Bro was quiet for a moment before he paused his game and sighed, leaning back against the futon, interrupting Dave’s train of words. “Yeah, yeah, I know. C’mon, man, at least let me pretend I’d be useful to your ass beyond fightin’ practice.”

     “I don’t need fighting practice! You always wanna use katanas, I use a broadsword! A broadsword!” Dave said, looking to the microwave when it beeped before aggressively popping it open. He grabbed a fork and his hot noodles before heading for the hallway. “I’m gonna go eat, shout if you need me. Or text, or whatever.”

     Bro frowned, but let Dave go without a word. Not that he could really say much. He knew how much stress Dave was under, knew he could probably help in some ways that would matter a lot, but knowing there was no way to gauge how much longer he’d even be around to begin with, it made it hard to know when to try being close and when to push further away.

     Probably better to just keep things at arms length like they had been for a few years now, make it easier for them both. The last thing Bro wanted to do was become a source of weakness for Dave, after all.

     It was the least he’d be able to do.

 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  - -

      The last face Dave expected to see on Monday was a familiar one. Amidst the chatter of his classmates filling the lecture hall, Dave spotted messy dark hair and shining blue eyes, black glasses with thick square lenses. When he spoke, when he grinned at someone, he saw the buck teeth that had finalized the squirm in his stomach on the weekend. It was still early enough in the semester that students were dropping and adding classes left and right, so it wasn’t unthinkable that there’d be another handful of new faces in the class for a while. The fact it was this one, though, was surprising. More surprising still was the eventual way the tall guy made his way towards the back, towards Dave’s table, and pointed at the seat beside him.

     “That open? Everyone else has their bags on their chairs, I guess they’re saving them for someone else,” he said.

     More like trying to deter randos from sitting beside them, Dave thought, realizing he’d forgotten to do the exact same thing. Whoops. Oh well, not the worst person in the world to want to sit beside him and listen to the professor prattle on up in front of the lecture hall.

     “Yeah, it’s open,” said Dave after a moment of processing that… shit this guy was pretty fucking cute up close. Sounded nice too, when he wasn’t high off adrenaline. He kicked his backpack further under the tabletop and glanced down at his laptop, making sure he wasn’t on anything embarrassing without realizing it. Nope, youtube and a flash game till the class started (and for during class if the guy went off topic and wouldn’t get back to the relevant things for class, as was this Professor’s apparent specialty).

     “My name’s John,” offered messy hair as he sat down. “What’s yours?”

     His name didn’t matter.

     “Dave,” he said, grinning a bit. “Nice to meet you, John.”

     “Oh man, you’re subscribed to them too?” he asked suddenly, pointing to the screen. “I’ve been watching their Lets Plays for years, it’s kinda amazing how much they break the games they play. And it’s neat to see two girls running a channel that big, normally it’s guys as far as the eye can see.”

     “Yeah? I feel ya,” Dave said, glancing to the screen again and clicking to pause. Rose was in the process of executing a risky near game breaking glitch that would speed them towards the ultimate weapon of the game, while Jade was explaining the process and the details, as well as the history of the game itself, and giving real life comparisons to the events and reality. He’d seen this episode at least a half dozen times, but the duo were charming as hell and really knew their shit. Cut throat and cut throat, and yet entertaining and casual. “Space Needle is kind of a weird name for a channel though. Isn’t that a landmark somewhere?”

     “I know, but have you heard Jade go on about space and technology before?”

     “Oh yeah, her science corner,” Dave mused. Shit, this guy really was a fan. ...Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad being distracted by him after all, they’d managed to break the ice without even a second thought.

     The professor had finally made his way into the classroom, however, and Dave nodded his direction to John, who hurriedly dug into his bag for his own laptop. Right, time to focus now. They could geek out later. Dave didn’t miss the Space Needle sticker on the back, along with an impressive amount of other insignia that Dave could only guess at. Dude seemed into pop culture to a wicked degree, there were even memes on display, up to date ones too.

     They were hard cut to focus though, finding it much more fun to whisper back and forth about their favorite episodes, their favorite quotes, in jokes and memes. John apparently had started watching fairly recently but was already die hard, and was living for Dave’s deeper lore on the channel. The whispering only stopped when the professor focused enough to catch them, calling for quiet in the back. They exchanged guilty smirks and went back to actually focusing, taking notes from the display and trying to decipher what would be most important from what was being said to note down as well.

     When the class ended, it was back to business as they packed up and headed out, deciding to hit the cafeteria for more conversation and a snack before they had to go their separate ways. Dave’s eventual regretful time to leave came all too soon after he’d finished some fries, and he was surprised  when John handed over not only his discord information, but his phone number on a scrap napkin. His handwriting was messy but clear, and on his way to his next destination Dave took care to gently set it into his bag for later.

     He’d gotten a cute guys details without even asking. Discord was one thing, but his phone number? Holy shit. The fact that it’d be difficult to remain casual with him was going to be the next task at hand, what with his duties and all, but Dave had confidence he’d manage it.

     He could handle saving the world. Of course he could handle a cute guy at the same time.

     Somehow.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

     Somehow seemed a lot further away when Dave was busy. A lot less possible. How could he juggle a friendship casually, much less with a really cute guy, while dealing with shit like this every other day? Another attack had laid low several people, with the creatures showing they could reproduce with enough of the inky substance on the ground. Someone had unleashed another flow of them, but this time they seemed prepared to fight back.

     They had sharp claws that cut at the fabric of Dave’s cape, and his usual speed didn’t seem enough for dealing with them with such a heavy weapon. He vaguely wished he had the skills to use a katana like Dirk or Bro properly, one handed and speedy as sound itself, but alas. His mantle was the royal deringer and no less. Fate seemed to think he could handle a broadsword, so a broadsword he was dealt.

     When a group of the imps managed to knock him over, sending him flying into the air and then skidding along the ground till he came to a halt, Dave knew he’d need to change tactics. Slowly getting up onto his scuffed white boots once more, Dave began to circle the creatures, biding his time and waiting till he could strike properly. They were mindless before, but this time they seemed to be working as a team, occasionally using each other as weapons or sending projectiles made of sludgy oil Dave’s direction. He’d dodge, dance backwards, flash step sideways to avoid. He needed to act quickly, though. It appeared as though there was potentially a way for them to combine themselves, to become even larger. Deadlier. Finally though, they left themselves open.

     Gritting his teeth, Dave felt the surge in his blood as the gears activated in the air behind him, flashing brightly as they turned. He flash stepped forwards and angled his blade, slicing clean through four in a go before flash stepping another direction and backstabbing another. He bounced about this way for a good thirty seconds of real time, dodging slightly slowed attacks and striking what he hoped were key points of these taller, more deadly imps. Grist showered the ground with the falling oil, a slow motion wave that only grew in intensity as he finally shouted and beheaded the final creature and came to a knee to catch his breath.

     His arms burnt, his back ached, and the ticking throb in his head only seemed to get more and more intense as the gears slowed and finally disappeared following his strife. He was coated in oil, and was thankful he didn’t need to worry about cleaning and detailing his weapon as he sent it back where it had come from, let alone cleaning himself or his uniform. He ran a hand through oily white hair and grimaced, looking at the fallen grist, the fallen people, and shook his head.

     A repeat attack so soon, escalating no less, meant that this foe wasn’t just another one and done mission. Something felt… wrong. Intensely wrong, really. Dave couldn’t put his finger on it, but his instincts were telling him to be wary of the situation.

     With the sound of sirens on the horizon, Dave bolted from the scene, taking to the building tops with some parkour and extreme jumps, flash stepping some distances and simply taking cover for others till he could return to the ground in a desolate area. Away went the magic, a gear appearing overhead and quickly whipping over him to the ground, returning him to his normal clothes.

     If only it could take away the fatigue, too.

     And the sense of loneliness that cropped up not long after as he was walking back to where he’d ditched his backpack originally tonight, passing by a gaggle of people out having fun, unaware of the danger that lurked around them. Unaware of just how great they had it, being able to go to the movies with friends whenever they wanted to instead of forever being on call.

     Would he be like that someday, somehow? Find a way to get peace for extended periods, or peace everlasting? Not eternally being on call? Or would he be like Bro, powerless and essentially alone, traumatized and waiting for his timer to tick down. ...No. He’d never be like Bro, probably. Bro had given everything up for him. It was his fault he was-

     A chirp from Dave’s phone alerted him that he was near his bag, and just in time to boot. He rummaged in the pocket to dig it out, and blinked at the screen.

     John. 

     That’s right… He had a friend now. ...Maybe things wouldn’t be so bad. He actually smiled as he lit the screen up and tapped out a reply, shouldering his bag before heading home. It was more discussion of Space Needle, which was a welcome distraction from how Dave felt, and how his thoughts had begun turning.

ectoBiologist:  so like i was saying, i just heard about their next lets play and i’m freaking out a bit! turntechGodhead:  yeah?? whats planned ectoBiologist:  they’re going to cover SBURB! can you believe it?turntechGodhead:  sburb huh turntechGodhead:  seems their style i guess turntechGodhead:  didnt it get kinda mid reviews though ectoBiologist:  some people rated it sub par but i don’t care, i think it sounds great. ectoBiologist:  i don’t know what would be better, if it was a great game or if it was a spectacular piece of shit they can tear apart on screen. turntechGodhead:   think theyll stream any of it ectoBiologist:  oh shit i hope so!

     The banter carried Dave all the way home, up the familiar stairs, and into the apartment where he was surprised to smell food cooking. The room was warm from the stove and oven being on, catching Dave out of the conversation and into reality once more, freezing and lifting a brow.

     “Okay, what’s happenin’, you don’t cook.”

     Bro, sprawled out on the futon again with his long legs crossed, smirked from beneath the brim of his hat.

     “Excuse the fuck outta you, I do too. It’s just been a goddamn long time.”

     “Okay, you don’t cook for me though,” Dave clarified, setting his bag down.

     “Who said it’s for you?”

     “...”

     “I’m fuckin’ with you. There’s a casserole in the oven and some sides on the stove. Eat up.”

     “I need a shower first,” Dave said, remembering all too well the feeling of oil in his hair, oil hitting his face, the bittersweet smell of the inky sludge. After warning John he was going offline for a bit, Dave dropped his bag in his room and went to clean himself up. It’d be the first night in a long while he felt secure, comfortable, warm, clean, AND full all at once.

     There were worse ways to spend an evening than falling asleep on his phone after too much supper. Though, right then, Dave couldn’t really think of any. All he could think about was the cute boy on the other end of the discord handle, his favorite gamers prepping for a new title they could experience at the same time, and the lulling comfort of sleep seeping into his bones.

My Brother’s Keeper - Chapter XX

Genre: Psychological Thriller

Modern Ivar X Modern Hvitserk

Rating: MA+18

Overall Warning:  Dark story told from an emotionally distributed person’s POV with graphic and sadistic material including rape, terror, torture, kidnapping, drug use, slash, implied incest, necrophilia, and insecurity. Heavy trigger warnings.

Chapter Warning: Talks of psychological torture.

A/N: You did it! You made it to the home stretch! Congrats! I hope you like the last chapter. It’s a little long, but hopefully, well worth it.

This story is dedicated to @youbloodymadgenius​s and @ivarthebloodyking. You guys have stuck with me through the beginning with this thing. 

Chapter XX

The unsettling guitar riffs of The Widow by The Mars Volta pour out of my earbuds – it’s like I can hear it, but it’s hard to pay much attention. Maybe if I could get out of my head long enough to concentrate on something else, I might actually enjoy listening to this song again. It’s one of my favorites.

Right now, though, it’s like I’m on sensory overload. There’s so much I want to see, do, and hear all at the same time but, I’m having a hard time focusing on just one thing. Being back here isn’t helping any; that’s for sure. Especially, not this many memories. It’s been years, but everything’s just the way I remember. Seeing as how some of the shit we tucked away here and there is still in tacked, no one’s ever found this place. 

Taking in a deep breath, I cough immediately from the smell of mold and dust. The hole in the roof did nothing to arrogate the building throughout the years. Making my way to the window to force clean air in here, I stop at the memory. The window. Ivar kicked it in for me the day he first brought me here. The broken glass still decorates the windowsill and the outline of his boot is still here. It's like he never left.

God, I miss him.

I swear that it feels like if I were to close my eyes right now and open them again he'd be standing here smiling at me. But I know the truth. The truth is, if I close my eyes and open them, I'll be standing in the middle of a broken-down cabin… alone. 

I knew the memories would come flooding back if I came here, but I couldn't help it. It's just that I miss him so much lately. I guess I just needed to feel close to him again. For so long Ivar was my everything. He was so much more than my baby brother; he was my best friend, my companion…my soul mate.

Now, I just want to know why he left me. He didn't even say goodbye. I waited. God, I waited for so long, hoping, praying…needing him to save me. But, he didn't. It’s a crock of shit that time heals all wounds, because for five years I’ve been broken inside and all I can do is ask the same damn question: Why didn't he ever come back for me? He promised me that it would always be me and him against the world, but he lied. He told me he would never leave me, but he did just that. I don't understand.

I still don't even remember how I ended up there. I know there was a trial - they put me in a tight blue suit and an ugly paisley tie. I sat next to this crackpot public defender wondering when it was going to be over. I think his name was Harrow, or Harald, or something like that. He had big ass, square, donkey-looking teeth, and was always smiling. He never talked to me. I think we sat next to each other a dozen times on those hard-ass chairs and he never once said a word to me.

Hell, even that detective that Judith bitch had interviewed on the news, Torstein, I think his name was, talked to me. He told me they were going get me help. I didn't know what in the hell he was talking about, but at least he said something to me. All I knew was I didn’t need their help, I needed my brother.

Even Dr. Lagertha talked to me and I hate her. Every time they would show pictures, there would be gasps and screams, she would come over to me, rub my shoulders and tell me that everything was going to be fine. She got them to let me stay in a break room when the screaming got to be too loud. I don't like screaming and there was plenty in that place. And as much as I hate Lagertha, she kept them away from me. She was there for me. Well, at least I thought she was. But it was fake. All of it.

She didn't care about me. She lied, too. She told me she would never hurt me, but she sat in front of everyone and she lied. She said that I did all of these horrible things to people. All the shit that Ivar did, she blamed on me. She told everyone in that court that I was a monster and they all believed her. I knew that bitch wasn't to be trusted and she proved me right.

Now, I'm not denying that my hunger was bad, and maybe I did some things that weren't so nice, but I wasn't as monstrous as she made me out to be. She told them I had all these problems and that I couldn't deal with real life. She made it sound like I was crazy. But what sounded craziest to me was that nobody ever asked to hear my side of the story. Nobody said shit one about Ivar and his part in everything. It’s not like I would have given him up or anything, but still….they just took her word as law, and that was that.

I don't remember a lot after that. I know that Harrow, or Harald, or whatever the hell his name was, sat further away from me. Even that detective started to look at me with pity. All those fucking people started watching me like I was a freak show. It was too much to handle. I just wanted to die.

I prayed that they would kill me. I wanted them to strap me down to a table and shoot me up full of all the drugs they could get their hands on. Or put me in the gas chamber and let me choke off of my own vomit. Anything was better than the laughing and the whispering.

Ubbe once told me to be careful what I pray for because I just might get it. Well, he was right. If I died, I would have gone straight to hell. Well, they didn't kill me, but I went there anyway.

After I stopped going to court, I started going to Lagertha's little Drug Store Hell every day for years. Drugs and talking. Headaches and blackouts. Bruises and scars. And of course, her file full of lies and the fucking memories. They should have killed me. But it wasn't all bad. I learned a lot and I used it to buy my ticket back to real life.

See, I learned that people only see what they want to see and they don't care about anything but their version of the truth. They feel accomplished when they scratch the surface. As long as they get enough to prove themselves right, they let up and don't want to dig any deeper. For them, it's all about perception.

For me, it's all about adaptation. Being in hell, I learned how to adapt to my surroundings. For example, I learned that I had extensive knowledge of how drugs alter my behavior. I guess years of recreational drug use paid off for something. I know what it felt like when I was high, so when I finally got the willpower to stop taking that shit, I was still able to keep up appearances. As long as I acted like a zombie nobody fucking cared that I was stuffing that shit in a slit that I made in the mattress by using a loose bedspring. Of course with as many pills as I had stockpiled, I had my run of the fucking place – between trading that shit as currency with the other demons, and making cocktails to get myself in and out of every inch of that place, every day was a new fucking adventure.  

You know, you can drug a guard, get keys to locked doors, and take a few patients that are drugged out of their fucking minds into off-limits rooms, come and go as you please… When you have the right combo of drugs conveniently crushed in coffee or sprinkled in the pudding of the powers that be, the possibilities are endless.

I also learned that if you alter your behavior to reflect that you think you are as bad as your file says you are, it makes you look more favorable to your doctor. They think you’re having a fucking breakthrough or something. They think all that self-loathing is some sort of remorse for all the wrongs you’ve done when you’re just sick of them telling you that you’re a fuck up and you need to do better. Truth is, you’re really just frustrated because you can’t fucking kill them. 

It’s all just bullshit. Just like when you smile, you're not thought to be sad. If you do everything they say, suddenly you're cured. And most importantly, if you stop talking about Ivar, they stop thinking you're crazy and let you join groups and have privileges. They almost treat you like you’re normal as long as you never mention the “I” word.

Ivar.

Five years…five years without that smile or felt those magnetic blue eyes looking at me. For five years, I've been alone in a room, with their drugs, talking, and pain like nobody's business. I’ve let them break me down only to build me up to what they want me to be, but I managed it because I just knew that he was coming back for me. In the beginning he would come to see me, but, then suddenly, he stopped. The day he stopped coming, is the day that the real torture began. But I did it. I survived.

I did it alone.

I'm not gonna lie, being on my own is so hard. It’s gotten a little easier lately, but I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to it. I finally got into a routine and I make it a point to deal with each moment as it comes. I don’t spend all my time in my head trying to block out the past and run from my future. I’ve even met a nice girl named, Amma. She’s a student up at the college. If things keep progressing with her the way I hope they do, I’m going to ask her to marry me. 

I'm slowly building my life back, one brick at a time. I’m finally getting to a place where I’m hardly having nightmares about being in that place. It seems like I’m on the road to getting that normal life that I’ve always dreamed about. But, lord knows, normal is boring as a motherfucker. Especially without him.

Don't get me wrong, I never stop longing for him. I can't. The same blood that courses through my veins also runs through his. We’re connected for life. But, it’s more than that, for me. It's like denying that the love of your life ever existed. He's never far from my mind, but my thoughts of him don't consume me anymore.

Well, normally they don't. Today is just a really shitty day.

Sitting my iPhone on the window ledge, I absently wipe the tears from my eyes and I look out at the brook behind the cabin. Things were so much simpler the last time I got lost in watching the water flow downstream. I remember standing there with Ivar feeling like I could conquer the world. The world. Yeah right. I haven't been able to do that yet. But at least I've been able to conquer the hunger. It doesn't sound like much, but it feels like the world to me.

It's gone almost completely gone, I think. I hardly feel it at all now. Gert says that it'll never go away completely, but I can learn to manage it with meds and therapy. Well, fuck her because I’m doing it without either. I don’t need her psychobabble bullshit or her fucking pills. I just need the fresh air and the knowledge that the alternative to me fucking up again is going back to that hell on earth. That’s enough to make me keep my shit in order. 

I’m just thankful that the hunger isn’t all-consuming anymore – just a little twinge now and again. I can deal with that. I've learned to ignore it. I mean, I still hear it and see it, but I don't taste it anymore. That's got to count for something, right?

Turning away from the window, I count the steps past the weakened floorboard and walk toward the door. This place feels like it's getting smaller by the minute and apparently, something died in here because it stinks. The smell of death never bothered me before, but right now it's getting to me. I guess without the hunger, I smell it for what it is now. It's comforting, just not that damn appetizing.

Leaning against the door frame, I take a deep breath of the heavily wooded air. That feels good. I almost forgot how good fresh air smells. Lord knows I didn't smell it for years and now I can't seem to get enough of it.

I guess that's why I rented this little house in the country. Ivar left me some money. A lot of it. I don't know where he got it and I don't give a shit. All I know is I’m able to afford a nice place out in the middle of nowhere that I fucking love. There's not another house for miles and I don't have the temptation of a bunch of people around me. It's secluded, like I'm trying to keep society out. Or maybe I'm trying to keep me away from society. Either way, I'm happy there.

I'm surrounded by woods and I’ll be able to smell the grass in the summer and the dying leaves in the fall. Ivar would shit a brick if he found out I became a nature lover. He'd shit golden egg rolls if he knew half of the shit I discovered about myself. I'm not the same Hvitserk as I was before.

It's still hard for me, harder than it is for most people, but I don't seem to cower from the world now. I know they're still watching me. The truth is I don't get scared like I used to, or worry about everything every single second. Yeah, I feel alone sometimes, but I'm not afraid of it now. I guess being in hell taught me how to deal with it. It's not like I had a choice in that place. In there, the loneliness would have eaten me alive if I had let it. But I didn't. I had to prove to myself, and I guess to Ivar, that I could make it. And I did. I made it without him.

There's a breeze whipping the fallen leaves around in the air. It'll be dark soon and it looks like it's going to rain. I don't mind though. Even with a huge hole in the roof, I'd rather stay here and get soaked than to go home and be alone. Amma’s staying on campus tonight because she's got a test in the morning. Not that I mind. It's just that it's fucking lonely in that house all by myself. Besides, it's been so long since I could just be alone with my memories and just feel what it is that I'm feeling that I'm enjoying it here. I'm not ready to give that up yet. After five years of having everything about me questioned, dissected, and analyzed, it's nice to have a minute just to remember without someone reading more into it.

Even now it's like that. I'm sure Amma doesn't mean it, but she likes to talk and every time I get quiet she thinks something's wrong. It's cute actually, how she tries so hard to keep me happy. She's one of those girls that does any and everything to make sure things between us stay good. Even after everything I've been through and all the lies the media told about me, she still loves me. Granted, she was just a kid when all of that shit went down, but she knows. At least she knows what she chooses to believe. If you ask her, I got sent away on some bullshit because I took the rap for Ivar. It's the truth, I did, and she refuses to believe anything other than that.

But still, she knows they're watching me and she sees how much it gets to me. She tries to keep my mind off of it and when that doesn't work, she wants me to open up about it. It doesn't bother me, though. Not like when Gert did it. That shit got on my nerves. I know Amma’s just trying to make me happy. But still, I'd be lying if I said the solitude of this place wasn't nice.

Closing my eyes to fully take in my surroundings, I hear the sound of leaves moving in the distance. With a sigh, I place the filter of the cigarette to my lips and feel my entire body relax as soon as the tip is lit. There's something about a quiet smoke that always seems to put things in perspective for me. With my head against the frame of the door, I watch the world.

The woods are beautiful with their bare trees and the multicolored leaves decorating the ground like a blanket and the brook bubbling happily in the distance. It's alive; everything about these woods is bursting with life even though winter is coming. It's like nature is preparing for it, but this place is resisting. It's ironic actually because that's exactly how I feel.

This is the shit that I missed out on when I was in hell. This is the shit that I missed when I was still taking Lagertha’s pills. Yeah, I loved being high all the time, but they kept me in a state of numbness, preventing me from seeing and enjoying the world around me. They were necessary when I needed to be what they wanted me to be. But, now I have to be who I am, and I don’t need them anymore. I don't want my senses dulled. I don't want to have a medicine haze surrounding me at all times. I want to taste the rain on my lips and feel the cool air on my face. I want to smell fall. I want to live and those damn pills were killing me slowly. Well, fuck that. 

Staring at the large bare oak tree in front of me I feel an overwhelming sense of peace. Tears fill my eyes, but they're not sad tears. They are tears of contentment.

I knew this would happen. I knew I needed to come here. I knew I needed closure.

"Hey, baby." Without words, I watch as he walks with his hands in his pockets. Dressed in blue jeans, a white shirt, and a black leather jacket he looks like just stepped out of a magazine.

Stopping next to the tree, he leans against it and looks at me. He’s cut his hair. His short dark hair has just outgrown a buzz cut, but it still looks stylish on him. It makes his face look darker and his eyes bluer, as if that were possible. 

"Ivar." I thought after all this time I would be happy to see him. But I don't feel anything. For years I practiced the thousands of things I wanted to say to him. But right now, I can't think of one. All I can do is stare at him.

A slow smile slides across his face and he lowers his head as if he is going to laugh. But instead, he raises his eyes to mine and nods. "You look good."

"You, too," and he does. He’s beautiful. He's always been so beautiful.

"Had a feeling I'd find you here. You always did love this place."

Fuck the small talk. We don't have to have some long drawn conversation. "Why?" That's it. That's all I want to know. "You left me. Why?"

Taking a deep breath he pushes off from the tree and starts to walk toward me. There was once a time where I was afraid of the power that Ivar exuded. I was never afraid of him, but of his strength, because it only amplified my weakness. But that time is long gone. I've been through so much shit - felt pain like never before. I don't fear it now. "I didn't leave you, Hvitserk."

"Bullshit. You knew what that bitch was doing to me. You said you would come back for me, but you never did. You just left me there.” I can still see his face outside of that little glass square at the top of my door. He was looking at me, smiling, leading me to believe that he was going to help me. But, he walked away. He blew me a kiss and walked away. "Do you have any idea what it was like for me? Do you? I've had everything short of a fucking lobotomy, Ivar. Electroshock therapy, graphic desensitization…if you can think of it, they did it. And believe me, that bitch Lagertha can give you a run for your money in the torture department. Do know why they did all that shit to me? Because you fucking disappeared. You left and all fingers pointed to me. They ripped my fucking soul apart because of your shit and you have the balls to show up here today as nothing fucking happened."

With a calm only Ivar can possess, he walks up the stairs to the porch and takes a seat on the old splintered rocking chair. Running his fingers over his face, he tilts his head and considers me. He's impressed, I know that look in his eye. He's never seen me stand up for myself without blacking out in the process. Well, guess what? I don't fucking blackout anymore. "Would I do that? I didn't leave you, Hvitserk. I was there. I was there so many fucking times. You wouldn't leave with me."

I'm so sick of people twisting the truth into their form of reality. I waited for him for years and he never came back. But still, there's a calmness in his voice that makes me want to listen to his reasoning. "I wouldn't leave with you? Contrary to popular belief, I'm not fucking crazy Ivar and it's pretty fucking hard to leave with a memory. Every fucking day I waited. But you never showed up. You let me rot there."

"Bullshit, I did. At first, you were so fucking out of it, that you just cried all the damn time and talked about how much you wanted to die." Folding his hands in his lap his eyes narrow slightly in my direction. For a second, I recognized that look. Irritation. But I'm not backing down. Not this time. Not until he tells me the truth. "Then, you flat out refused to come with me.”

"Oh cut the shit, Ivar! I’m not one of these stupid marks we find to party with – it’s me, Brother. You know, all of these years I looked up to you, idolized you…put you on a fucking pedal stool. Turns out, I believed you when you said that we were going to be together forever. Turns out I was my brother’s keeper. I kept you, Ivar! In here…” I pound my fist against my chest.

He looks so cool at my outburst, yet proud that I’m not crying. Calmly, he licks his lips and slowly blinks at me, “When I finally got in to see that fucking quack ass doctor of yours, she gave me this bullshit letter you wrote that told me to fuck off because you needed to do this all on your own. What the fuck, Serk? What the fuck else did you want me to do? You had it all. Your drugs, your little blonde doctor bitch hanging on your every word. You were in your element. Everybody was so worried about my poor baby. Why would you leave with me? You had everything you ever wanted and you didn’t need me anymore."

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean,  I was in my element? I never wanted you to baby me, Ivar. You did that because it made you feel better. I just didn't want to be alone." Why is he trying to guilt me because I finally became my own man? If the roles were reversed, I would have done everything in my power to help him, or at least be proud of the progress he’s made. “I always need you, brother. I would never turn my back on you."

With a shake of his head, his smile drops and the look on his face is replaced with one of pure hurt. "If you didn't want to be alone, why did you keep turning me away? You should ask that bitch Dr. Gert how many times I called or came there to see you. Then ask her how many times she turned me away at your request. You left me, Hvitserk." He came to visit and she turned him away? No. That's not right. That couldn't have been how it happened. She never told me that he came to see me. 

"You want to blame somebody for this? Blame her. She became more important to you than me. All the fucking lies she told you about me, you believed. All those sessions on her little couch, ending up with you crying. She was the one that started taking care of you, holding you, wiping away your tears. She replaced me. You should have seen the satisfied look on her face when she told me that you didn't need me anymore." He raises his brows at my shocked expression. He saw that? I remember that day – it was a particularly grueling therapy session. I would have said anything to make the pain stop.

"Didn’t know I knew that much, did you? Yeah, I saw it all. I saw how you stopped crying after a while. And you didn't black out anymore, either. I notice how after a while you were sitting there all tall and proud, talking and laughing with her. You were happy, Hvitserk. And I finally saw you. I didn't just look at you. I saw you. And that's when I knew it was true. You were strong on your own. You didn't need me in your life anymore, so I stopped coming. You were strong enough without me. And just look at you now…"

"You think you did me a fucking favor?" Stepping back inside the doorway I grab my bag from the floor. It takes a second to locate what I'm looking for but with damning evidence like this, there is no way he can deny it. "Look at this shit. Look at it! You thought I had a good time there? You saw all of the shit she did to me and you thought I fucking enjoyed it? I forgot torture is your thing. It must've looked like a fucking field day to you. Tearing me down…that's your idea of teaching me how to be strong?"

His eyes dance over the red printed letters on the front of the file and instantly I feel a chill at the sight of them. St. Dymphna Hospital for the Criminally Insane. Reluctantly, he opens to the first page and glances over everything. Without interest, he starts to read aloud, "Sociopath…Psychopath...Paranoid Schizophrenia… Histrionic Borderline Personality Disorder…Dissociative Personality Disorder… What the fuck is this?"

"That's your little lesson, Ivar. That's what the fuck I learned on Dr. Lagertha Svensdottir’s fucking couch." In all of the things I've felt for Ivar over the last five years, never once have I felt anger. But right now, I'm so pissed with him it's taking everything I have not to punch him in the face. "I learned that I'm fucking crazy. I was taught that I killed Guthrum, and Ubbe. I probably killed Bjorn and Father…hell, maybe even Rollo, too. But not Sigurd, Ivar. No - you did that one. I’m not taking the blame for him.

“Oh, and get this – did you know that I got sent to a funny farm, instead of leaving Father’s house to try to make it on my own, before that night I ended up sleeping on your floor. You know, right before I told you about my secret?” I can tell by the look on his face he doesn’t believe this shit either. “Yeah. They magically found some trumped-up records of me being committed somewhere. So instead of having an entire fucking life, I was institutionalized. Somehow I got better and they let me go, though. But I didn’t take my medication and got sick again, and that’s why I supposedly fucked up this time.” I angrily pluck my cigarette butt through the wooded area, “Shit, apparently, I fucking made you up. Did you know you were supposed to have died in the accident with Mother?”

"Those motherfuckers." His eyes grow cold for a moment, and then they soften when he looks at me. Ivar doesn't show remorse, but I can tell from that look that he genuinely had no idea it was that bad. "You don't believe this shit, do you? You never went away. You had your own place. I stayed with you a few times when shit got too bad with Father and Rollo. And that shit about me?” He stands from the chair and walks over to where I’m standing. Craning his neck until his face is inches from mine, I have no choice but to look into his eyes, “If you believe that shit, then you are crazy.”

"You know it's funny what pain will make you believe. You'll believe anything if it means that they'll stop hurting you. You of all people should know that."

"You don't believe me? Touch me. I've held you, rocked you in my arms, wiped your tears. I've been there for you more than anybody else has ever been. You know me. Fucking touch me and you'll know that I'm real." That seems to be all he cares about. Not the fact that the guards would beat me when I was strapped to my bed at night. Not the fact that Gert made me lie out loud and say that I killed damn near my entire family.

"I had to admit to everything you did in front of a room full of people and apologize for it. I had to tell them that I was sick and I didn't know what I was doing. They made me jump through fucking hoops and made me feel like a freak just to have the most basic of my needs met – to brush my own fucking teeth, Ivar. Now, I have people looking at me 24 hours a day, wondering if I’m stable; just waiting for the other shoe to drop." Lighting another cigarette, I suck back on the toke hoping it will calm me down. 

"I have to follow all these stupid fucking rules. I don't have any privacy. I'm lying to my girl about what the fuck is going on. Oh, yeah, but I’m stronger than a motherfucker now." The sarcasm drips from my words before I can stop it. 

"'Cause that's all that matters, right? You left me there to die, and just hoped that I was strong enough to survive. But what if I wasn't, Ivar? What if I didn't make it? What then?" As soon as I see the look on his face, I know that he didn't mean to hurt me. More importantly, I know that I can't end it like this. We’re all we have.

Nodding his head in understanding he straightens himself upright and glares out at the woods around us. "It was that fucking headshrinker wasn't it? She pumped you full of drugs and lies. You know she lied to you about all of that other shit. But you think she was telling the truth about me? Well here's the truth Hvitserk. If I thought for one second that you weren't strong enough to make it, I would have killed every last motherfucker in there to take you out of there. You can believe all of that other bullshit if you want, but you know that for a fact."

Staying angry with him is harder than I thought. But it feels so good to lash out after keeping all of this shit in for years. Always pretending to be what they want me to be so they'd let me out, keeping my real feelings bottled away…it's fucking hard. Finally, I get to be myself and it figures it's with the one person who I've always been able to be myself around. I know I should hate him. But I don't. I never did. I feel myself calming down and all I can do is look at him with serious eyes. "You were right about one thing. I don't need you anymore. I'm doing just fine on my own now."

A sly smile pulls at the corners of his lips and instinctively his hand runs over his almost bald head. "You're right. You don't need me…but it wouldn't be fun to have me around again?" His smile grows when I try to keep my face stern but it softens almost as soon as he says it. It's the truth. I miss him. Without him I feel like a part of me is missing. "We had some good times, brother."

Resting my head against the door frame again, I instantly feel the anger and frustration leave me looking into the cerulean pools of his eyes. "Yeah, we did." I look out at the forest and notice that the wind is picking up. The bare trees swing their branches like skeleton fingers waving goodbye to me. Or is it hello? I can't tell anymore.

"You came out on top, baby. You're bigger and better than you were before." Throwing the file on the chair behind him, he turns to me with a warm smile. He touches his hand to my cheek before kissing it gently and I can feel the electricity from it all over my body. God, I miss him. "I just wanted to see you again and to tell you that I'm proud of you." As soon as he steps down from the porch he turns to me and nods. "If you ever get bored, you know how to find me. I miss you." No sooner does he say that, does he turn around and walk down the stairs and away from the cabin. “Burn that fucking file. It’s nothing but a bunch of lies. You’re better than that, Serk. You always have been.”

Watching him leave a second time hurts more than I thought it would. "Ivar?" I steady my voice and force a smile on my face. "I miss you, too." I won't ask him to come back into my life, but I damn sure won't deny him if he does. In the few minutes that we spent together, I didn't feel lonely at all. I felt normal. That's all I've ever wanted.

His smile is illuminating. It lights up everything in this darkened wood like the sun was shining directly on him. It's magical. "I don't know how to apologize, Hvitserk. That's really not my thing. But I don't lie, so believe this. If you let me back in, I promise I will never leave you again."

There's so much to think about. I've been lied to so much by so many people I don't know what the truth is anymore. All I do know is I haven't felt this alive in years. With a shrug of my shoulders, I turn toward the door. "We'll see. I need to talk to my shrink first." With one last glance at him, over my shoulder, I walk into the cabin and leave the front door open behind me.

Pulling the pack of Marlboros out of my pocket, I dust off the chair and take a seat. Lighting the end, I close my eyes and concentrate on the thick smoke filling my lungs. I love the taste of menthol. With everything there is to consider, it's nice not to have to concentrate on anything but my cigarette while my thoughts fall into place. This is more than I can handle right now. I need some direction.

Resting my arms on my thighs, I lean forward and consider the mattress and the blonde woman bound and chained to the fireplace lying upon it. 

"So, Dr. Lagertha, do you think I should give Ivar another chance?"

Fin.

A/N: Well, guys. That’s it! Thanks for sticking with me, and going on this crazy ride with my boys. This has been a fun rewrite. I hope to finishing some of my other stuff soon and posting some things I have just had sitting on the shelf.

As always,

Be easy!

shannygoat

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What’s a Netgalley, anyways??!!

I’ve been getting hit with a lot of asks and DMs regarding Netgalley, how it works, and why it’s useful for witches, diviners and mages. 

Instead of responding to them all individually, I’m just making this one post to clarify the situation and hopefully give folks tips for getting started on that site!

What the heck is Netgalley?

In publishing, “galley” is simply another term for an uncorrected proof or advance reader copy of a book. Distributed prior to the books general release, galleys allow authors to receive early feedback and reviews on their work. 

Netgalley launched in 2008 as a way of providing digital galleys to reviewers. The site offers 100% digital copies, with a choice between EPUB, Kindle, and PDF formats. Reviews are submitted directly to the publisher via Netgalley, and can be shared on social media.

Wait! You mean they send you free books?!

Yes, they do!

These aren’t physical copies - they’re digital, and are best read on a tablet or eReader. If you dislike reading digital material, this site may not be for you. If, like me, most of your library is digital anyways, you’ll likely find a lot of awesome additions through Netgalley.

Once you’re registered, you can browse their list of publishers, categories, genres and authors. Most books available on Netgalley are either new releases or yet-to-be-released, and titles are periodically added/removed over time.

When you find a book you’d like to read, you can request it from the publisher. The publisher will then look at your Netgalley profile. 

If they think you’re a good fit to review the title, you’ll receive the galley copy of the book, and can download it in either Kindle, EPUB, or PDF format directly from Netgalley.

You must write short reviews (I try for at least 500 words each) about each of them. You’ll rate each book with one to five stars, and your long-form review will be submitted to the publisher alongside that. 

You’ll also want to post the review to your social media, be it Tumblr, Goodreads, or another platform. Publishers offer galley copies partially as a way of generating buzz about upcoming titles, so it only makes sense that readers would post the reviews publicly.

While Goodreads, Tumblr, and other platforms are perfect for posting reviews of unreleased books, you cannot post a review to Amazon until the book is actually published.

If the book you’re reviewing isn’t yet released, you’ll be prompted to return to the review page and share your review on Amazon once the book comes out. This is a very easy process directly through the Netgalley interface.

What are the requirements?

Well now, I’m not entirely sure. You must, of course, be active and public on a social media platform. This might be Tumblr, Goodreads, Facebook, Linkedin, or even YouTube. 

Basically, you need a social media presence where you’ll share your reviews, in addition to submitting them through Netgalley proper.

Different publishers have different requirements and things they look for in a reviewer. This article gives some tips for making your NetGalley profile enticing to publishers. 

A lot of people have asked me if Netgalley, or specific publishers, have a minimum amount of followers required for them to send books.  The truth is, I have no way of knowing, and if such a policy exists, it’s not publicly stated. 

I will say that when I started on Netgalley in 2017, I received books almost right away after requesting them. As a rule I never mention how many followers I have on this blog, so I can’t be sure if that was a factor in my receiving the books. 

Regardless of your stats, there’s no harm in trying out Netgalley, though. And? I doubt they’re as finicky as you might imagine!

What happens if I can’t write the review?

While publishers vary in terms of their requirements for when reviews are completed, most expect a review within three months. But, what do you do if you can’t finish?

Don’t fret! 

This happened to me once, too. I received a copy of an herbal anthology, but my Kindle PaperWhite ruined the formatting on it, and I wasn’t able to actually read all of it. I simply clicked the “Will Not Give Feedback” option for the two books that had been in my queue. 

If you do this, you can always come back and review the book later, but keep in mind that you do need to submit the reason for not giving feedback. Thus far, Netgalley seems pretty understanding.

What does Netgalley offer, esoterically-speaking?

Netgalley works with several esoteric publishers to bring readers review copies of their books. These include

Llewellyn Worldwide

Sounds True Publishing

Watkins

Those are my three favorites on the site, anyways. There are other occult publishers there, as well as books about religion and spirituality from a variety of perspectives. You can browse their Religion and Spirituality category here.

Since starting in 2017, I’ve reviewed sixteen free books from Netgalley. You can see links to those reviews here on my books page, as well as other book recommendations.

I’ve had quite a positive experience with Netgalley. I highly recommend it to any other bloggers, regardless of what sort of books you’re seeking!

Happy reading!

Women On Fire reviews Once Upon A Time

So we have started watching Once Upon a Time and are midway through Season 2. PJ is very into it. It’s a bit weird for me for a specific reason: Because OUAT and WOF both use a lot of fairy tale/fantasy tropes, some things that I think of as very specifically WOF things show up sort of prominently in OUAT and...that’s weird. So when I watch it, I can’t help thinking about how this show would play with the WOF crowd. Behind the cut tag, some of them will be discussing their reactions. It’ll involve spoilers for seasons 1-2 of OUAT and basically all of WOF.

PLAIDDER: All right, so, for the sake of any readers who may remember this show well enough to care where we are with it, we’re about midway through Season 2. Emma and Snow have returned from the Bad Place, and Cora has followed them and has just faked Regina killing Archie, causing Emma et al. to turn on the partially-redeemed Regina, while actually keeping Archie captive on Hook’s invisible pirate ship. OK?

AINE: I suppose WOF’s plot would also sound pretty stupid if you had to summarize it in one paragraph. 

THEAMH: I don’t think it would sound THAT stupid.

PLAIDDER: ANYWAY! I just wanted to get your reactions to some of the...you know...correspondences.

THEAMH: Oh, you mean the whole reuniting the separated lovers thing? You know, “We will always find each other!”

ISTRIA: “But will we always lose each other? Is that our fate?”

PLAIDDER: To be honest I do kind of think that given that the show runs for seven seasons, it pretty much is gonna be their fate. The whole ‘waking the pseudo-dead beloved with true love’s kiss’ has already been done so many damn times and yet I fear it will happen with increasing frequency as we--

THEAMH: I’m sorry, you do not have a leg to stand on there. Istri, how many times have we--

ISTRIA: So let’s see...you lose me, you find me, you get taken prisoner, I find you. That’s all just up to Greenhaven. Then you get arrested by those traitors at Lythril’s old castle--

THEAMH: You lose me--

ISTRIA: Trial at Mypril--

THEAMH: You find me. Giant arani fight at Amranth--

ISTRIA: You lose me, you find me. 

THEAMH: I think that’s the last time. So that’s...

ISTRIA: No, no, we’re forgetting about “Homeswept.”

THEAMH: Oh FNAA. Idair’s HAIRPINS. Well I mean can you blame me?

ISTRIA: I cannot.

THEAMH: Yes. You lose me, I lose you, we manage to more or less find each other--

PLAIDDER: All right. Yes. I am a sucker for a good reunion. I mean as much as I bitch about it I actually sort of can watch that story line a fair few times before I get tired of it. It’s nice how reciprocal it is with Charming and Snow. 

THEAMH: Yes, that IS nice. Can I just ask though...why do all the men look the same?

ISTRIA: They don’t all look the same. There are two kinds. The blonde kind is a prince and the dark-haired kind is a dark user’s familiar.

PLAIDDER: Yes, I will say they made the Maerin figure a lot more interesting on OUAT. I actually kind of like both of them, which is strange, because I fucking HATE Maerin.

LYTHRIL: So do I.

PLAIDDER: Yes. Well, Lythril, since you’re here--

LYTHRIL: The reason you can...attach yourself...to Graham and Hook is that their dark users haven’t properly broken them. The bond is in the playful stage, where both partners are capable of enjoying each other. 

PLAIDDER: And...did you and Maerin have...a playful stage?

LYTHRIL: Of course.

PLAIDDER: I’m really glad I didn’t have to write that.

LYTHRIL: It was brief.

PLAIDDER: Well, as long as you’re here...I mean what’s it like for you watching Regina? 

THEAMH: Are you sure these people haven’t been reading your--

PLAIDDER: Yes, I’m sure. I’m very sure. Look, I saw Snow White just like everyone else and the evil Queen freaked me out just like everyone else and Lythril does kind of have the evil Queen’s vibe and that’s the transmission pattern. The film Snow White is the common source. WOF and OUAT aren’t borrowing from each other. I never watched the show while I was writing WOF, and I am 100% certain that nobody on the WOF distribution list ended up writing for a nighttime drama on ABC.

AINE: How can you be sure?

PLAIDDER: Look, I asked Lythril a question--

LYTHRIL: And because it will amuse me, I’m going to answer it: I find watching Regina EXTREMELY frustrating. 

PLAIDDER: Why?

LYTHRIL: It’s a very long list. 

PLAIDDER: Could we have the condensed version?

LYTHRIL: She doesn’t have the commitment. She doesn’t love the work. She doesn’t LIKE being evil.  

PLAIDDER: Oh, I think she does like it.

LYTHRIL: No. It looks that way at first, but then they give her this...

PLAIDDER: Backstory.

LYTHRIL: That simpering little girl with her stableboy lover--that was PAINFUL. There is NO way that girl grows up to be the most powerful dark user in the kingdom. 

TARIC: If I could--

PLAIDDER: Yes, of course, Taric.

TARIC: I don’t think I realized before that I was a...trope?

PLAIDDER: Yes, I did try to keep that from you. I’m sorry--

TARIC: Is that why I’m...you know...simple?

KEANRIH: Oh Taric. You’re not simple. You’re very complex. 

TARIC: No, I mean...not very smart, and not good with words, and generally...not really very interesting.

KEANRIH: Don’t SAY those things about yourself!

PLAIDDER: All right, look, there is this whole thing with girls and horses and even though I never had a horse I did sort of become fascinated with horses for a while and yes, you two were a trope, but so are Theamh and Istria. I mean there were people back in the day who categorized WOF as a Xena a/u. 

AINE: WHAT?!

THEAMH: Aine, just calm--

AINE: THERE IS NO SUBTEXT. THERE WAS NEVER ANY SUBTEXT. WE DISCUSSED THIS EXPLICITLY--

PLAIDDER: Aine, you cannot do anything about what people do with your story. You write, they read, what happens next is up to the gods. My point is: yes, Taric, you are a cheesy romance trope, I am very sorry, but I did do my best to give you the same kind of character depth that I gave everyone else, which is something that definitely DOES NOT happen with Daniel. So you are both the same trope but Daniel is a lot more...trope-y...than you are.

KEANRIH: Also I would never have turned you into a zombie.

TARIC: Thank you.

PLAIDDER: Look, speaking of zombies staggering around heartless, can we get back to Lythril’s take on--

LYTHRIL: Despite all the other fnaa you’ve pulled on me I feel almost moved to thank you for never giving me a backstory...if THIS is what it looks like.

PLAIDDER: Well...to some extent it inevitably does, because nobody’s just born evil. 

LYTHRIL: No, but not everyone has evil thrust upon them. Some of us chose it.

PLAIDDER: Well, Rumplestiltskin--

LYTHRIL: Do not SPEAK TO ME about that BLASPHEMY.

PLAIDDER: Well I don’t think they mean the same thing that you mean when they say “Dark One”--

AINE: Are you SURE they haven’t read your books?

PLAIDDER: YES I AM SURE!

LYTHRIL: She wants to be redeemed? She wants to be a better mother? WHY? Why does she want to be a mother at all? I didn’t want that for a steaming hot second.

PLAIDDER: Oh, you are obsessed with fertility. OBSESSED.

LYTHRIL: Dark magic and maternity are profoundly incompatible.

RENNA: My gleacha they are.

LYTHRIL: Your entire *existence* proves my point. Take Regina out of the Enchanted Forest and she turns into YOU. An idiot who would choose some child over magic and power. I hate Storybrooke Regina. Always weak, and incompetent, and--

RENNA: I was strong enough to kill YOU.

LYTHRIL: You had help.

PLAIDDER: I actually don’t hate Storybrooke Regina’s redemption arc. I mean I don’t know how it’s going to end, but--

ISTRIA: You call that a redemption arc?

PLAIDDER: Oh dear. 

ISTRIA: She doesn’t understand the FIRST DAMN THING about redemption. 

THEAMH: She yells at the screen a LOT when Regina’s on it.

ISTRIA: You’re all hurt when people don’t want to invite you to their parties. Of course they don’t! You ruined all of their lives! And except *sometimes* regarding Henry, you have done NOTHING to live it down!

THEAMH: Like that.

ISTRIA: Redemption is not about getting people to like you. It’s about taking responsibility for the harm you’ve done and trying to undo it. Whether people *like* you again is irrelevant. It’s not about you and what you want any more, that’s the point.

PLAIDDER: Listen, this cannot go on forever, and I don’t want to quit without talking about the hearts thing.

LYTHRIL: Yes. The hearts thing.

AINE: I just don’t see how you can be ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that nobody who writes for that show has--

PLAIDDER: For the love of Pete, Aine, in the story of Snow White the evil Queen says she wants the huntsman to rip out Snow White’s heart and liver and bring them back to her and that is where ALL of these chest-punching heart-ripping evil women in black came from.

LYTHRIL: It’s HILARIOUS. Nobody needs THAT many hearts.

PLAIDDER: Well I think she uses these hearts for different purposes than--

LYTHRIL: Every time I watch her or Cora do that I have to pause it because I’m laughing so hard. Where’s the blood? Where are the screams? Where are the broken ribs and the--

THEAMH: Could you not--

LYTHRIL: And this glowing red Lucite thing that comes out--

ISTRIA: I know!

LYTHRIL: That’s not a heart. I don’t know what that is but it’s not...hearts are bloody, they’re warm, they pulse, they’re--

THEAMH: They’re messy. Really, really--

LYTHRIL: That’s the whole POINT of a heart, that’s why people miss them in the first place.  

THEAMH: Yeah, they’re like...that’s where the whole soul/body thing happens, at least if you’re heart seated, and it matters that it’s all squishy and misshapen and--

LYTHRIL: They’re flesh. Hearts are flesh. They’re meat. That’s the point of hearts.

THEAMH: ExACTly!

[high-five begins]

ISTRIA: HEY! Are you both INSANE?

[high-five aborted]

PLAIDDER: Can I at least get your thoughts on Regina’s fashion sense?

[Everybody laughs]

AINE: Who is MAKING all those gowns for her? Who is doing her hair? Where does she get the materials?

PLAIDDER: And why does she lead with her cleavage, even in battle?

LYTHRIL: Oh come on. I have seen your illustrations.

PLAIDDER: What? They’re nothing like--

LYTHRIL: Shriias, back me up here: does she or does she not have me doing everything tits out?

THEAMH: I do have to admit--

PLAIDDER: No! Your outfits are--

LYTHRIL: Very tight. 

PLAIDDER: Well sure but--

THEAMH: At least she’s never drawn you naked.

PLAIDDER: LOOK.

LYTHRIL: I don’t mind. Sincerely, I do not mind being the sexiest woman in this universe--

[confused and vehement shouts of protest from all assembled]

PLAIDDER: All right all RIGHT! There will be NO MORE discussion of costuming! Or hearts! Or competitive sexiness!

CHANDRA: Are we not even going to TALK about Mulan?

PLAIDDER: And another country is heard from.

CHANDRA: You know I heard there was going to be queer-baiting in this show and all through season one I was like, where is it? All the men seem very very straight to me.And then Mulan and Aurora show up and it’s like, oh, I see it now.

PLAIDDER: Yes. Well...

CHANDRA: “I promised Prince Phillip I would protect you and I will fight both of these other hot women to do it!”

PLAIDDER: All right, point--

CHANDRA: Mulan literally holds Aurora’s heart in her hands and actually PUTS IT BACK IN HER CHEST--

PLAIDDER: Sure--

CHANDRA: I mean even those two over there never got THAT close. And then the NEXT THURKING LINE: “Let’s go see if we can bring my useless dead boyfriend back to life!”

PLAIDDER: I did notice--

CHANDRA: You’ve got this intense, smoldering woman in armor staring at you with love beaming out of her eyes and--I mean if you’ve got Mulan, WHO NEEDS PHILIP?

PLAIDDER: You know, some women ARE straight, and--

CHANDRA: Everyone ELSE gets to bring their true love back with a kiss but Mulan and Aurora have to do it through open heart surgery?

PLAIDDER: OK, but the coding makes it more intense and more interesting. Admit it.

THEAMH: You didn’t code us.

KEANRIH: Or us.

PLAIDDER: Yeah, well your story was never published, was it?

AINE: You regret that?

PLAIDDER: No. I really don’t. I honestly don’t know what would have become of all of you if I’d had to really try to make you marketable.

CHANDRA: But that was the 1990s. This was freaking 2011.

PLAIDDER: All right, this has gone on long enough. Are we going to finish Season 2 or not?

LYTHRIL: I think your spawn has doomed us to it.

PLAIDDER: Well...are you enjoying any of this?

LYTHRIL: I enjoy imagining ways to kill Cora.

PLAIDDER: You know, Lythril, we never found out what your mother was like.

LYTHRIL: Thank the Dark One for that.

PLAIDDER: Or if you’d ever been in love, before...

LYTHRIL: Never.

PLAIDDER: You sure about that?

LYTHRIL: NEVER.

PLAIDDER: Because something did go on with you and Ulnach at scoil, and I go back and forth on what exactly it was, but I will tell you, sometimes in my mind it looks a lot like a Cinderella AU.

LYTHRIL: You’re not going to actually write that, are you?

PLAIDDER: Probably not. See, this is kind of interesting to me as an idea, but if I actually committed to it, I think I would--

LYTHRIL: Because that would be a GREAT way to lose a heart.

PLAIDDER: Well look. We complain, but we’re all having fun here, right? I mean you’re enjoying getting together and making fun of your...counterparts?

ISTRIA: I will admit, it is sort of fun.

THEAMH: It’s better than talking about American politics.

PLAIDDER: All right, let’s wrap this up before Conn shows up. Thanks everyone; I’ll see you at the end of season 2, maybe.

it’s that time of year again. femslash february!

I had planned to write more but have not been in a good place mentally lately, but I do have some things ready so that’s what I’m going with.

everything I write is Scientificshipping so there is that. I don’t know if anyone cares anymore, but I’m going to post the shit I wrote anyway! also a lot of times i write them gay married already it is my world when i write

Title: Meeting

Pairing: Prof. Aurea Juniper/Fennel

Rating: Pg-13? no sex or anything but things of an adult nature

Formal meetings were never Professor Juniper’s style. She vastly preferred to be out in the wilderness, doing her research, or in the comfort of her own lab.

But every year, she had to go to at least one meeting. Whether it disrupted her research or not, she was required to, as were all of the other regional professors. It was meant as a yearly meet and greet as well as renewal of their license to distribute Pokemon, each year going over any new changes in the procedures and paperwork as well as reviewing mostly things they already knew. It was rarely ever fascinating, save the first year she attended, and was truly the only thing she dreaded in her profession. The only exciting thing that could happen was when a new professor was named, and even then, they usually had their own reception in the designated region for that purpose.

Five days wasn’t a long time in the grand scheme of being away from home, or even time away from her research. The meeting put a halt on any major research the regional professors were doing as it was, so it wasn’t as though she was missing anything by being there.

But it was boring.

She begged Fennel to come with her every year, if only to stay in the hotel and keep her from losing sanity. But every year, Fennel declined, and for good reason. It was boring. It wasn’t at all like the science conferences and conventions they regularly attended that they both enjoyed. No, this one was nothing but a three day long meeting with the regional professors. The only remotely exciting thing about it was that it was held in a different region every year. Aurea nearly had Fennel convinced to go the year it was in Alola, only for Fennel to remember Aurea would be stuck in meetings all day and there would be no point.

Kalos was just too far of a plane trip for an unenjoyable trip, meaning she’d have to give herself an extra two days at each end of traveling to and from. There was nothing Fennel could say or do to make it any better.

Their meeting had dragged on for two days now. Professor Oak was always an entertaining speaker, doing his best to present the material in an interesting fashion and answering questions, but even his presentation methods couldn’t hold Aurea’s interests as much as it should. It left her mind to wonder….how did she get through college? Many of her professors did not have half of Oak’s energy and passion for speeches and she made it through that.

Looking around, she could see a few others fumbling with paperwork, taking notes on a laptop, or even looking at their phones. She had her laptop open like the others to follow along with some of what was being shown, but it couldn’t hurt to check her phone.

Some texts from trainers, a missed call from her father, and some texts from Fennel.

I went to the park to see if the Swannas came back from their migration but there were none there :(

Fennel must be equally out of ideas for things to do, it wasn’t like her to randomly go anywhere outside especially by herself. The notion in itself was humorous to her, Fennel getting dressed and ready to go to the park, realizing the Pokemon she wanted to see wasn’t there and leaving.

Haha, we’ll try again in a few days when I get home if you still want to see them

The dream scientist replied almost immediately, leaving Aurea to figure it wasn’t as early as she thought it was back home. She had been in the conference room for hours now, even after taking a lunch break,

How’s it going?

Bored

Fennel didn’t reply again quickly this time, figuring she was caught up in doing something. Now Aurea was left with only this meeting to entertain her. She had set her phone next to her laptop and forgot about it completely until she noticed the screen light up and another message from Fennel come through.

Opening the message, there was no possible way to prepare for what she saw.

A photo of Fennel, sitting on their bed, in a dark red bra.

Another one came through before she had the chance to register what was happening.

Fennel had removed the bra now, an arm underneath her breasts to push them up slightly, hair fallen over her body a bit, complete with a sly smile.

She slammed the phone face down on the table, making more of a sound than she meant to in doing so. Her phone vibrated a few more times, Juniper shoving it in to her purse in a haste at this point. She could feel the heat rushing to her face, and for some reason she suddenly had to cough, causing what felt like more attention on herself.

Looking up, she realized Kukui was the only one that had noticed her disturbance. He smiled in her direction when their glances met for part of a second, but other than that he didn’t seem phased.

She could never tell anyone, ever, anywhere, ever about this. Let alone Kukui.

While in reality it was only another hour or so after the incident occurred, it felt like an eternity before the meeting ended for the day. It wasn’t unusual for the other professors to loiter afterwards to make dinner plans with one another or discuss something of interest, but Aurea couldn’t find it in herself to socialize. There was a phone call she needed to make. Practically throwing her laptop in her bag, she gave a slight wave in acknowledgment to whoever happened to see her when she did, and departed to her hotel room as quickly as she could muster. It probably was rude of her, and she was sure she could think of an excuse before tomorrow as to why she had to leave in such haste.

Tossing her bag aside, her hands shaking now for some reason, she sat down on her hotel bed and called her wife.

“Hi! Did you get my pictures I sent you?” Fennel’s face appeared on the screen cheery as ever, acting as if she had sent her photos of a beautiful flower arrangement she had made and not naked photos.

“I, um...was in my meeting when I saw them.”

To this, Fennel burst out laughing.  “I knew you’d be bored in your meeting and I missed you.”

Aurea wasn’t at all surprised by Fennel’s reaction, though wasn’t sure she thought of the consequences, either. “What if someone else saw them, Fennel? And thought that I was looking at….pictures of you while I was in a meeting?”

“Well, you shouldn’t be looking at your phone during the meeting anyway,” Fennel was still laughing, not even her makeup able to hide the deep rouge seeping in to her cheeks.

“You just said you did it because you knew I’d be in the meeting!”

“Well, maybe I was thinking you could look at them afterward.”

“You knew I was in a meeting!”

“Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t, you have no way of knowing.”

“You did it on purpose!” Aurea was astounded at even herself that she wasn’t as angry as she thought she might be at the confrontation. Though, she began to realize now that she was smiling, that she hadn’t been angry at all. If there was, it was fleeting. Embarrassment, certainly, but no harm had come from it.

Fennel grinned at the accusation and barely shrugged. “Okay, so send me one now.”

“Absolutely not.”

“I’ve seen you naked before.”

“And I’ve seen you naked before but it doesn’t mean you have to send me pictures.” She certainly didn’t want to come across as scolding her. Fennel had obviously put quite a bit of thought in to what she was doing, and it was done. “What was your...intention? What am I supposed to do with these?”

“Um, I think if I sent them to a guy, they’d get off on it. I guess you can do that if you want.”

“No!”

“Well, then just look at them, I guess. And think about me.” The corner’s of Fennel’s smile dipped slightly. “I’m sorry, Aurea….I just thought it’d be fun.”

“You….you thought it would be fun to send me naked pictures of yourself?”

“All the kids are doing it now.”

Aurea raised a brow at her reasoning. What kids did Fennel know of that were doing this? Where did she even get the idea to do this? “What if you accidentally sent them to the wrong person?!”

“But I didn’t!” Fennel beamed at this. “And I triple, quadruple, million times checked to make sure it was only going to you.”

“See, this is what happens when you’re away too much! I get bored and miss you and take all my clothes off and send you pictures of me. I spent like, an hour doing my makeup to take those pictures for you.”

“Your makeup looked very nice.”

“What color eye shadow was I wearing?”

“I don’t know.”

“You didn’t even notice my makeup, did you? You were looking at my boobs.”

“It was kind of hard not to.”

Fennel’s expression softened, “I’m still cute, right? Like, you’re still attracted to me and I’m still your hot wife that you can’t wait to come home to, right?”

“Yes, Fennel.”

“Because, I think of you as my hot wife who has to go away and do important science stuff all the time.”

While she was sure the sentiment was genuine,  she knew what Fennel was getting at. “I’m still not sending you pictures of my...chest.”

“That’s okay, I guess I’ll just have to wait a few days and see you naked then.”

“I guess so,” the professor was left with a soft smile.

After ending their conversation on more normal terms and ordering room service so she didn’t have to leave the comfort of the hotel room, the professor had decided to turn in for the evening.

She supposed it wouldn’t do any harm to look at the photos in privacy now. They were meant for her, after all.

Lewd imagery aside, Fennel did look quite stunning, though she would never understand the thought process that went in to it. Her wife, of whom she had been in a relationship for over a decade, consciously did her makeup, put on expensive lingerie, adjusted the lighting in their bedroom, and took photos of herself. Fennel decided that it wasn’t enough, so she removed the lingerie and put her arm in such a position to emphasize her breasts. It wasn’t as though the professor didn’t know what her breasts looked like without the emphasis, nor why she had done it at all. There were two more that she had not seen the first time, but more or less the same, one of her leaning more forward with both arms at her sides, and another lying in bed, with her glasses on, for some reason. How many more had she taken and not shown her? Surely these were the best of many – she had seen how Fennel took pictures of herself, and she never got the image she was trying to convey in the first try. For a brief second, Aurea hated herself for the thought, but told herself it wasn’t as though she had found these pictures in secret. They were taken to be shared with her and only her. It wasn’t a crime, nor should she feel badly about looking at revealing photos of her wife. She couldn’t help but feel like she was invading her privacy by looking at them again, like a dirty secret.

But, Fennel obviously wanted her to see them. Somehow, Fennel sending her nudes wasn’t surprising to her. She was honestly a bit surprised she hadn’t done it before, especially when they lived in different cities.

When she got home, she’d have to ask Fennel if there was a way to delete them from their text conversations.  Or just delete them entirely because photos did no justice to Fennel herself.

Distribution

Sorry this was meant to go up yesterday, but things got in the way, so you're getting parts 7 and 8 tonight instead!

7: Distribution

Summary: In the early days, running International Rescue was a very similar process. The calls came in and he distributed their resources as he saw fit.

Words: 1440

Spoilers: None. Potential references to 'Relic' [S1E15], but no real spoilers.

----

Distribution, thanks to years in business, was a process that Jeff was highly familiar. It was a large part of his life, after all.

And in the early days, running International Rescue was a very similar process. The calls came in and he distributed their resources as he saw fit. It was harder though, harder than business.

Because these weren't products or figures he was talking about, rather real flesh and blood: his flesh and blood, his sons. And unlike cargo which you could mostly reorder and fix the supply chain, his boys couldn't be made again. They were once in a lifetime fixtures and one moment could lead to their downfall.

He thought for a long time, with Scott desperate to follow him - so much so that it was like kicking heels - whether he was doing the right thing by his boys. It was one thing for Lee to help him; the man was knowledgeable and experienced and an adult. He'd lived a life and he knew what he was signing up for. Scott wanted to fly the TV-21, desperately, so much so that Jeff would have let him (with some assistance, when he knew it was safe), once it had survived the test flight–

But it didn't.

He'd come back, because he had experience in the field, and he knew what he needed to do. How could he expect the same of his sons? How could he push them into that life?

But he never had to. Lee was right on that account.

Scott was sad – a melancholy that rivalled Jeff's own – that they lost the TV-21 for days, but his eyes had brightened at Thunderbird One which emerged in its place. And John was almost just as bad, his eyes heading skyward every night as though they would bring the waiting Thunderbird Five into his orbit so he could simply climb on and fly away from gravity.

It hadn't taken long for Virgil's eyes to catch the wide-spreading spark either, and soon Jeff found himself inexplicably pairing his boys to the Thunderbirds he was designing. And then Gordon had seen there was a submersible in the works and – because he had been much younger then – signed himself up if it would give him the chance to find Mermaids. Jeff knew, then and there, that Virgil was going to hold onto that for blackmail material against the prankster.

He might be there father, but he wasn't blind.

He'd intended to build International Rescue and the Thunderbirds as a legacy to leave his sons, something they could be a part of one day maybe, when they'd lived out their own lives and had decided it was what they wanted to do. Decided that for themselves, not out of any sense of obligation either.

For a long time that was what he feared.

But by the time Scott was supposed to be leaving for college, it was clear he and John had made every plan to put their own feet down, so to speak, and fight their corner on the matter. Jeff was a little put out to not be the one doing the 'foot putting down' in that moment, but it was undeniable that Scott and John had thought this through with precision thinking (likely belonging to the red-head) which left little room for a counter argument.

Then Virgil had come rushing in demanding he wanted the same deal and agreed point blank with his brothers.

Jeff had never quite got the truth out of his boys, their faces all smiles and confusion and 'what do you mean, Dad?', but he knew anyway without needing to break through their charade. He was certain Virgil had been brought in on the plan and was planted to stay outside until such a time that his arrival would be key – like waiting for the opportune moment to move the right piece in chess. Yes, the impetus may have been Scott's, but that plan was undeniably John's.

No International Rescue, no college.

That was the boys very insistent position.

Jeff had argued almost until he was blue in the face, throwing out every reason except for the one which really lived in his heart. He didn't want his boys to think he had certain expectations of them… not ones like that anyway. If they wanted to do anything else with their lives, well that was ok with him, but it seemed – regardless of his opinions – they wanted in.

"I want Thunderbird One – the plans say it's the fastest."

"I have no interest in it. I'm having Five."

"Says who?"

"Says me because it's in Space."

"I'm not arguing that one," Scott assured. "I like gravity."

"Well, good, because I want Thunderbird Two."

Clearly that hadn't been discussed beforehand for Scott and John's eyes widened and brows furrowed. "Why?"

"I don't have to tell you my reasons."

"You don't have a reason do you, Virge?"

"Yes I do."

"Is Gordon right? Is it because you want to be like f-"

"We're done here! Right Dad?"

He nodded. Not really sure what he was meant to say as Virgil went about pushing his elder brothers from the room, leaving Jeff none the wiser as to his middle sons' ambition, nor reasons for wanting Two. Scott and John were obvious and always had been, so he didn't even need to ask. And ok, he couldn't deny they'd been the images in his mind, but he decided he wouldn't share those, not when the boys had taken such control over their own futures.

"You see, Jeff. You needn't have worried, just like I told you."

"I know, Lee. I know. But how was I supposed to know they all felt so strongly?"

"You could expect that enough as you can expect a meteor shower."

"Lee, we can predict meteor showers."

"Oh yeah… Well I guess that's my point."

"So you saw it coming did you?"

"Course I did! Not. Er, well, I'll be off."

"Yes, Thunderbird Five will nearly be ready after this upgrade."

"Right you are, Jeff. By the way, you don't mind that boy of yours coming with me, do ya'? Um… John?"

"John?"

"Claims it's his so he should accompany me."

He chuckled at that. Yes, he did – sort of, with a lack of words – agree to the boys having their own Thunderbirds, he supposed. It would be good for John to go up with Lee whilst they were finishing the final details of the space station too, good knowledge for the future, and he trusted Lee to teach on valuable lessons.

And he'd been up there many times. It was perfectly safe, just as safe as Thunderbird One now was, which had delighted Scott when he last came home on break. Yes, Jeff remembered the many hours he'd spent sat as a co-pilot whilst his eldest circled round the island trying to find his top speed and get used to the controls.

He supposed it would only be a matter of time before Virgil was itching to get his hands-on Thunderbird Two. Heck, his third son had already spent enough time being part of the paint job.

And then there was Gordon, who was still jumping around waiting for his chance at a test run (so he could see Mermaids, still, although he was much quieter about that since he realised Virgil could lord it over him).

He supposed it would only be a matter of time before he was redundant, sat back at his desk doing both but distribution. Well, there were a few years to go still, he was easily fit enough to keep going on missions, at least until he'd seen all the boys out on enough of their own.

"No, Lee, I don't mind at all."

And like that, his best friend was off, and a little after that he heard Thunderbird Three roaring to life in the low atmosphere.

Something in the back of his mind nagged at him, and he recognised it as the same feeling which had been present when Scott had been screaming his lungs to death at the joy of finally being allowed to fly his Thunderbird. One by one his boys were growing up, becoming a part of International Rescue, leaving him behind to think about how they were getting on.

He supposed he should fill that gap with something else, something productive, like work. Maybe Virgil would like to work on a little more than the paintwork…

Yes, he knew that one day he would be nothing more than the distribution man, but there were many years to go yet.

Winter Weebwatch #1

So, because it is Good when I get to have opinions about things, I figured I’d try out doing a bunch of mini-reviews for the current season of anime, doing a new batch of reviews with each episode and seeing how they evolve and change over time, whether some do better, or some fall behind, or if I end up dropping any of them (and by any of them, I mean Plunderer).

The winter anime season is kind of a dead zone: Since it starts in January when everybody’s starting to get busy again and Christmas has screwed over their sense of work-life balance, it’s the season with the lowest amount of viewers, and so it’s the season where the shows tend to be noticeably low effort and low budget. It’s telling that, despite having huge franchises with a lot of brand recognition, Sunrise and A-1 Pictures put Gundam Build Divers Re:Rise and Sword Art Online on hiatus for the entirety of the winter season, choosing to take the hit that comes from a three month hiatus instead of wasting twelve or thirteen episodes on the Death Season, The Season Where Shows Go To Die.

So by and large, what we’re reviewing here are either the shows distribution companies didn’t care about, or the shows distribution companies did care about but couldn’t get a channel to pick up in any other season. We’re also not reviewing all of them, because there’s like ninety and my store of time and opinions is finite, so we’re reviewing seven.

While the intention is to follow these seven shows through to the end, what will probably happen is I might drop a couple that aren’t keeping my interest, and pick up a couple that catch my eye. If I pick up new ones, then whatever I pick up will get some kind of bumper review covering several episodes.

Also, I really dragged my heels getting this done, so most of these shows have already aired their second episodes. I’ll be trying to put out the second episode reviews a lot quicker, so that I can be relatively current by the time the third episodes roll around.

Anyway! Week 1, first episodes.

Infinite Dendrogram.

★★★☆☆

Infinite Dendrogram has a terrible and ridiculous premise that crumbles into dust if you examine it for more than 0.2 seconds, and I kind of don’t mind that at all.

The show follows Ray Starling, a player in the titular Virtual Reality MMO, which promises infinite possibilities owing to its two unique selling points: The first, that all the NPCs are fully-fledged AIs, meaning the world ‘exists’ distinct from its players or any manned oversight, with quests emerging naturally from the NPCs’ wants and needs, and with NPCs able to permanently die; and the second, that each player character has an Embryo, a superpower generated using their personality as a model, with infinite possibilities.

This is an inconceivably dumb premise. Leaving aside the obvious game balance issues with the Embryos, it’s clarified early on that this AI technology is unique to the game, which means that some game company discovered the technology to create fully conscious, sapient life, and decided to use that technology to create a video game (and in doing so, directly led to the deaths of thousands of those sapient lives).

But I … kinda don’t care? Infinite Dendrogram’s episode was fun, lively, not terribly original but consistently engaging, and managed to introduce five characters who I actually kind of like while telling a self-contained episodic story with good stakes and nice pacing. It feels like Sword Art Online if Sword Art Online was written by a competent writer and also not just a delivery system for creepy, irritating fanservice, and that’s pretty nice.

Also, bonus points for actually making the in-universe game look fun? We’ll call that one another advantage it has over SAO.

ID: Invaded.

★★★★☆

ID: Invaded has indisputably the strongest first episode of this season of anime (really first two, as it aired both episodes one and two back to back), by a gigantic margin. A video called ‘Defending ID: Invaded’ floated by my youtube dash a few days back, so clearly some people don’t agree with me on that, but that’s fine. It’s okay for them to be wrong.

When ID: Invaded picks up, a young man awakens in an empty white void full of floating chunks of a city, with his own body in pieces and no memories. Pulling himself back together, he realises, upon seeing a dead body of a young woman, that his name is Sakaido, and he’s a detective here to solve the woman’s murder.

Sakaido, it quickly turns out, is exploring a cognitive world formed out of a telepathic link with the killer, with a team of investigators in the real world watching through his eyes and picking out evidence to find the murderer with. When the murderer, a serial killer called the Perforator, kidnaps a member of the investigation team, the race is on to find him before he can kill again.

So, ID: Invaded has kind of mastered the art of dripfeeding information in a way that gets a viewer hooked very quickly while steadily delivering a series of twists and turns, and recontextualising the story and the mystery (which, it rapidly emerges, is not the mystery of the Perforator, but rather the mystery of Sakaido himself). It’s gripping and inventive, with a strong if slightly convoluted premise and a lot of interesting material to set up going forward in the series.

In a nice touch, director Ei Aoki turns the mental worlds Sakaido visits (two in the first two episodes) into homages to other surrealist anime directors, mimicking both their compositions and their cinematography. The world of the Perforator draws marked influence from the works of Mamoru Hosoda, an apprentice of Hayao Miyazaki and one of the original creators of Digimon Adventure; while the second world visited pays homage to the works of Akiyuki Shinbo, best known for the unsettling surrealist landscapes and equally unsettling cinematography of Puella Magi Madoka Magica and Fate/Extra Last Encore.

Pet.

★☆☆☆☆

Pet looks like a cheap OVA from 2004. Let’s just get that out of the way, it looks bad, but in a really inoffensive way where it just kind of looks cheap and outdated.

It’s … fine. It’s okay. If you’ve ever had a Burger King bacon and cheese burger, you basically know what Pet is like. If you haven’t ever had a Burger King bacon and cheese burger, go and have a Burger King bacon and cheese burger, and then you’ll know what Pet is like.

The first episode doesn’t really give away anything about the premise of the series, save that it involves psychic criminals, but it tells a decent self-contained little story about a guy who learns something he shouldn’t and is then psychic-ly tormented before his memory is eventually wiped.

There’s also just not a lot to say about Pet, though. It fulfills its function as a work of storytelling, and it doesn’t really ever do much more than that, at least in its first episode. It finds its comfortable niche in just being very average and unremarkable, and sticks there, being average and unremarkable.

Of all the first episodes I’m reviewing, Pet seems the most passionless. It’s such a middle of the road piece of art that I struggle to imagine why it was even made. It doesn’t seem like it’s trying to sell merchandise, it doesn’t seem like a passion project, it doesn’t really seem like much of anything. It feels like someone asked a creative writing class to write a short story about psychic criminals, and then one of those stories was turned into an anime episode.

Plunderer.

☆☆☆☆☆

Plunderer offers a moderately interesting premise that literally nobody watching the first episode will even remember because oh good god, from the second scene onwards the entire episode is just non-stop sexual harassment and assault, first from the protagonist to the deuteragonist and then from the antagonist to the deuteragonist, and I hated it. I hated it so much.

In a bizarre turn, when the protagonist sexually harasses and attempts to sexually assault the deuteragonist, it’s played as wacky comedy, but when the antagonist does basically the exact same thing, it’s played with all the sense of horror that those actions warrant.

I just … don’t really get how I’m meant to ever sympathise with the protagonist after this. I don’t know how you rehabilitate a character in the audience’s minds when our very first introduction to him tells us that he’s a sex pest.

Also something something numbers something something die if your number reaches zero something something magical items who even cares what the premise is, my patience for this show ran dry thirty seconds into the second scene.

If I had a way of representing it, I would give this first episode a negative number of stars.

Sorcerous Stabber Orphen.

★★★☆☆

Let it just be noted that ‘Sorcerous Stabber Orphen’ is the most unintentionally hilarious anime title of the season, so there’s that.

A remake of a 1999 series of the same name, Sorcerous Stabber Orphen follows Orphen, a disgraced former sorcerer turned small-time crook and moneylender whose ill-advised attempt to commit marriage fraud is abruptly interrupted by the appearance of a dragon crashing through the roof of his potential bride/mark’s house. This isn’t just any dragon, however, but Orphen’s sister, Azalie, magically transformed after a spell gone wrong, leading Orphen on a quest to turn her back into a human before the sorcerers of the Tower of Fang can kill her.

Side note: While he names himself ‘Orphen’ because he is an orphan, I’m not misspelling the name, that’s how it’s spelled in-show. This is everybody’s fault except mine.

So, this first episode rather shows the age of its source material. It looks very much like a spruced up late 90s anime made with current day animation techniques, and that’s actually not a bad look for it. It’s also not really a good look -- Megalo Box this ain’t -- it’s just kind of a … look. Which is there. It exists in a state of Neutral Retro.

As first episodes go, though, this is probably one of the emptier and slower ones, somehow managing to cover less of its plot than even Plunderer (although it wins out on a massive margin the basis of that plot not being 90% sex crimes), because seemingly not only is its animation style cribbed from late 90s action anime, but so is its pacing.

What’s there, though, is pretty fun. None of it is dazzlingly original, it probably wasn’t that original even in the 90s, but we get introduced to a likeable cast of characters, we get a decent central conflict set up, and the worldbuilding is, while bare bones at present, at least interesting enough to hook a viewer who likes fantasy.

Also, it’s called ‘Sorcerous Stabber Orphen,’ so, you know. Extra star just for that, man.

In/Spectre.

★★☆☆☆

I’m not sure what In/Spectre is trying to be, and it doesn’t seem to be sure either.

The marketing set it up as an atmospheric, brooding supernatural mystery. The first third of the episode frames it as a romantic comedy with emphasis on the comedy. The second third of the episode switches back to atmospheric, brooding supernatural mystery, only for the third third of the episode to switch tracks yet again, this time to an action comedy with an emphasis on the action.

I don’t know whether I’m coming or going with this show. I get mood whiplash constantly, as it veers from genre to genre like a drunk driver on the freeway. By the time the last third of the episode hit, I felt completely unmoored not just from the plot, but from how I was even meant to interpret the characters.

It’s not bad at any of those genres, either. The romantic comedy section was actually pretty funny, the supernatural mystery section was suitably ominous, the action comedy section established stakes and followed through on them pretty well. None of it was blow-me-away-amazing, but it was all competent, it’s just that there’s no coherent sense of tone to any of it.

Darwin’s Game.

★☆☆☆☆

Full disclosure, I completely forgot I was watching Darwin’s Game. I finished these reviews, thought ‘haha, well done, I’ve reviewed all six shows I wanted to review’ and didn’t remember that there was a seventh on my list until I saw its name come up on a streaming website.

That’s a large part of why I’m scoring it so low. It’s better than In/Spectre, Pet, or Plunderer, it’s probably at least as good as Sorcerous Stabber Orphen, but at least those shows actually made some kind of impression on me. Darwin’s Game is good, but I can’t exactly justify giving two or three stars to a show that had such little impact that it vanished from my memory as soon as I stopped actively watching it with my eyes, like some kind of middling Doctor Who monster.

So, Darwin’s Game follows, um. It follows … a guy … with a name that I can’t recall … who is unwittingly dragged into a death game played in the streets of Tokyo. With each player given Sigils, seemingly magical abilities that they can use to gain advantages in the game, and with points exchangeable for vast sums of real money, the players of Darwin’s Game are set to the task of hunting down and murdering other players. Unable to back out of the game, Some Guy finds help with, er … with … a person … whose name I also don’t recall … and …

God, trying to recall the details of this show is like trying to recall what you had for dinner last week just after a severe head injury. You know, but the details just aren’t there.

I’m kind of at a loss as far as opinions go, because I don’t … know? If I think hard, I can remember the order of events that happened in the first episode, but I can’t remember what, if any, emotional response I had to them. All of my memories of this show are a blank, emotionless void, this is like asking me to review Solitaire. Like, I guess it was fine? I guess? 

I can’t remember the main character’s face or voice.

Note to self, write all Darwin’s Game reviews from now on immediately after watching the episode, otherwise all recollection of it will melt like ice cream in a heat wave.

I’m still giving it one star, though, because I refuse to put it on the same level as Plunderer. For a start, the main character doesn’t belong on some kind of registry.

Studying Watts to replay his message

So it turns out all that I'm doing here is trying to get the message out, the message that was already crafted by the greatest word technologist to ever live. The polarity message. The nature message. The money and class and wealth message. The message about being a civilized social unit of people, not individual nomadic clans at war with one another. My Narration stream idea was only abstract at first, but now I have done several streams and studied some of the messages about declining the social status game in order to fully embrace our inseparability from nature. The message about Society, Nature/Mankind unity, Trust/Love, Money/economy and class / the social game as pertains to Zen as the full exit from that version of the game of life is what I need to replay to my friends and followers, and to a society whose authority I refuse, in search of educational sovereignty. I have clarified the opening module to be directly focused on my GRIPE with a society that demands we subscribe to the king-grandfather obsession of social structure with Authority coercion built in to the minimum transaction. Here I am gathering transcripting so that the totality of that message in his words can be brought together in a single post that I can share with my friends who I am not able to go directly to and live share the hours of content that this comprises, with my own commentary and interaction with them. The talk titles as they exist in my youtube playlists is as follows 1- The spectrum of love https://www.alanwatts.org/1-5-7-spectrum-of-love/ - Trust (Life is willingness to die) https://www.organism.earth/library/document/trust Interlude / tangent - Zen tales and legends -- zen poetry / interlude with some musical aspects, helps establish the ground for the conclusion items. filler info. 2- Words and emptiness talk - if you don't use words, you don't have any problems. the big problem here is that we are bewitched by words, there is actually only one Thing. one ultimate suchness, which is nature. The reality that is nature. all religious/philosophical problems are problems created by words. 3- the talk that goes into man's inseparability from nature and the defuse of aggression as the way of conveying manliness. "And the great symbols of our culture are the rocket and the bulldozer. The rocket--you know, compensation for the sexually inadequate male. So we're going to conquer space. You know we're in space already, way out. If anybody cared to be sensitive and let outside space come to you, you can, if your eyes are clear enough. Aided by telescopes, aided by radio astronomy, aided by all the kinds of sensitive instruments we can devise. We're as far out in space as we're ever going to get. But, y'know, sensitivity isn't the pitch. Especially in the WASP culture of the United States. We define manliness in terms of aggression, you see, because we're a little bit frightened as to whether or not we're really men. And so we put on this great show of being a tough guy. It's completely unnecessary. If you have what it takes, you don't need to put on that show. And you don't need to beat nature into submission. Why be hostile to nature? Because after all, you ARE a symptom of nature. You, as a human being, you grow out of this physical universe in exactly the same way an apple grows off an apple tree. So let's say the tree which grows apples is a tree which apples, using 'apple' as a verb. And a world in which human beings arrive is a world that peoples. And so the existence of people is symptomatic of the kind of universe we live in. Just as spots on somebody's skin is symptomatic of chicken pox. Just as hair on a head is symptomatic of what's going on in the organism. But we have been brought up by reason of our two great myths--the ceramic and the automatic--not to feel that we belong in the world. So our popular speech reflects it. You say 'I came into this world.' You didn't. You came out of it. You say 'Face facts.' We talk about 'encounters' with reality, as if it was a head-on meeting of completely alien agencies. And the average person has the sensation that he is a someone that exists inside a bag of skin. The center of consciousness that looks out at this thing, and what the hell's it going to do to me? You see? 'I recognize you, you kind of look like me, and I've seen myself in a mirror, and you look like you might be people.' So maybe you're intelligent and maybe you can love, too. Perhaps you're all right, some of you are, anyway. You've got the right color of skin, or you have the right religion, or whatever it is, you're OK. But there are all those people over in Asia, and Africa, and they may not really be people. When you want to destroy someone, you always define them as 'unpeople.' Not really human. Monkeys, maybe. Idiots, maybe. Machines, maybe, but not people. So we have this hostility to the external world because of the superstition, the myth, the absolutely unfounded theory that you, yourself, exist only inside your skin." ~Alan Watts. 4- the hypocrisy around money - the invention of system "economic utopia" is not wishful thinking - the system to distribute money for work done by machinery on the humans behalf is THE ONLY REAL ALTERNATIVE to self-destruction -- Finally I said, "The trouble with you gentlemen is you still think money is real.” And they looked at me and sort of said, "Oh ha ha ha, someone who doesn't think money is real. Cause everybody knows money is money and it's very important." But it just isn't real at all because it has the same relationship to real wealth, that is to say to actual goods and services, that words have to meaning - that words have to the physical world. And as words are not the physical world, money is not wealth. It only is an accounting of available energy - economic energy. Now what happens then when you introduce technology into production? You produce enormous quantities of goods by technological methods but at the same time you put people out of work. You can say, "Oh but it always creates more jobs. There will always be more jobs." Yes, but lots of them will be futile jobs. They will be jobs making every kind of frippery and unnecessary contraption, and one will also at the same time have to beguile the public into feeling that they need and want these completely unnecessary things that aren't even beautiful. And therefore an enormous amount of nonsense employment and busy work, bureaucratic and otherwise, has to be created in order to keep people working, because we believe as good Protestants that the devil finds work for idle hands to do. But the basic principle of the whole thing has been completely overlooked, that the purpose of the machine is to make drudgery unnecessary. And if we don't allow it to achieve its purpose we live in a constant state of self-frustration. So then if a given manufacturer automates his plant and dismisses his labor force and they have to operate on a very much diminished income, (say some sort of dole), the manufacturer suddenly finds that the public does not have the wherewithal to buy his products. And therefore he has invested in this expensive automative machinery to no purpose. And therefore obviously the public has to be provided with the means of purchasing what the machines produce. People say, "That's not fair. Where's the money going to come from? Who's gonna pay for it?" The answer is the machine. The machine pays for it, because the machine works for the manufacturer and for the community. This is not saying you see that a... this is not the statist or communist idea that you expropriate the manufacture and say you can't own and run this factory anymore, it is owned by the government. It is only saying that the government or the people have to be responsible for issuing to themselves sufficient credit to circulate the goods they are producing and have to balance the measuring standard of money with the gross national product. That means that taxation is obsolete - completely obsolete. It ought to go the other way. Theobald points out that every individual should be assured of a minimum income. Now you see that absolutely horrifies most people. “Say all these wastrels, these people who are out of a job because they're really lazy see... ah giving them money?” Yeah, because otherwise the machines can't work. They come to a blockage. This was the situation of the Great Depression when here we were still, in a material sense, a very rich country, with plenty of fields and farms and mines and factories...everything going. But suddenly because of a psychological hang-up, because of a mysterious mumbo-jumbo about the economy, about the banking, we were all miserable and poor - starving in the midst of plenty. Just because of a psychological hang-up. And that hang-up is that money is real, and that people ought to suffer in order to get it. But the whole point of the machine is to relieve you of that suffering. It is ingenuity. You see we are psychologically back in the 17th century and technically in the 20th. And here comes the problem. So what we have to find out how to do is to change the psychological attitude to money and to wealth and further more to pleasure and further more to the nature of work. And this is a formidable problem. It requires the best brains in public relations, in propaganda, in all that kind of thing, in all the media: television, radio, newspapers, everything...to try to get across a message to the vast general public about what money is. You see the difficulty is this. When the public suspects that the money that is being issued, the dollar bills being issued by the government are only paper, and stand only for paper, they start putting up prices so you get an inflationary situation where the more paper money there is, the higher and higher and higher the prices go… which is a very stupid psychological maneuver. And people have to be persuaded. The least effective way of persuading people is passing laws, but they have to be persuaded somehow not to put up the prices, but to play fair with each other and keep some sort of standard correspondence between how much is produced and how much credit is issued. - 5- escaping societies brainwashing the function of a Zen teacher is to put his students in all kinds of situations we're in the normal course of social relations they would get stuck by asking nonsensical questions by making absurd remarks by or always of unhinging things and above all keeping them stirred up with impossible demands: to hear the sound of one hand to without moving stop a ship sailing out on the water or to stop the sound of a train whistle in the distance magic- to touch the ceiling without getting up to amongst chair -to take the four divisions of Tokyo out of your sleeve -to take Mount Fuji out of the Kobach's all these impossible questions are asked and in the ordinary way of interpreting these questions we think well now be how could we do that? see that's the very difficult question that's been asked and you have to think what would I do to do that because we are caught up in a certain way of discourse which the language game that we play and the social game the production gains and the survival games that we play are good games but we take them so seriously that we think that that is the only important thing and this is to unstick us from that notion and realize that it would be just as good a game to drop dead now as to go on living is a lightning flash bad because it lives for a second as compared with the Sun that goes on for billions of years you can't make that sort of comparison because the world is like mingoes also with the world rebels of son and vice versa so long-lived creatures and shortness creatures go together that's the meaning of that saying flowering branches grow naturally some short some long so this n is a scene in in a zen community where the spontaneous behavior is encouraged within certain limits and as the student becomes more and more used to it those limits are expanded until eventually he can be trusted to go out on the street and behave like a true Zen character and get by perfectly well you know what occasionally happens on the street when two people are walking down the sidewalk straight at each other and they both decide to move to the right together and then to the left together and they somehow get stuck and they can't pass each other then teachers will pull just exactly that sort of stunt when going down a path and meet one of their students to see if they can get him in a tangle and can you escape from it and you will find in everyday life that there is a very clear distinction between people who always seem to be self possessed and people who are desiring and nervous and don't quite know how to react in any given situation always getting embarrassed because they have their life to strongly programmed you said I mean this is a common marriage argument you said you would do such and such a thing at such and such a time and now you've changed your plans not that they really the change of plans really caused any inconvenience just the feeling that when you say you will do something at a certain time you ought to do it at that time come hell or high water well that's being very unadaptable that's being a stone kind of sticky thing if it after all doesn't matter when we do it and as if somebody is offended because the time instant chase that's simply because they are attached to punctuality as a fetish and this is one of the great problems this is causes many automobile accidents men rushing home to be on time for dinner when they stayed late either working or they had to stop for a drink of some bar or when the girl feels that she has to if she has a fussy husband and she feels she has to have the dinner ready at exactly a certain moment she ruins the cooking he'd rather have a faithful wife and a bad cook how about not riding on your toes so you see we spend an awful lot of energy trying to make our lives fit images of what life is or should be which they could never possibly sit so then practice is in getting rid of these images but it's it's so explosive socially to do that and it's so various people they get vertigo they get dizzy they don't know which end is up and this happens you know if you've ever been in one of those blab blab sessions where they call them tea groups I think it's all something like that where the people gather together without any clear idea of what this gathering is about they know it's somehow self-exploration but just how do you begin on that and so somebody starts to push his idea and then somebody else says well why you tried to push your idea on us and then they all get into an argument about the argument and the most amazing confusion come about that sometimes they all see what idiots they're being and then they learn to live together in a they open and spontaneous way there was a very interesting dinner party once where the Zen master was present and there was a geisha girl who served so beautifully and had such style that he suspected she must have some Zen training and after a while he when she paused the silly sake cup he bowed to her and said I'd like to give you a present and she said I would be most honored and he took the iron chopsticks that are used for the hibachi with charcoal brazier moving the charcoal around he picked up a piece of red hot charcoal and gave it slip well she instantly she had very long sleeves on her kimono she weld the sleeves round her hands and took the hot charcoal withdrew to the kitchen dump it and changed her kimono because it was thought through then she came back into the room and after a suitable interval she stopped before the Zen master and bowed to him and said I would like to give you sir present I would be very much honored of course he was wearing a kimono or something like this and so she picked up a piece of coal I've offered it to him he immediately produced a cigarette and said thank you that's just what I need it now you know in the same way that we have this in our culture certain people who are communal who know how to make jokes and gags in a completely unprepared situation face them with anything and they somehow come through so that is exactly the same thing in a special domain as then only it will be master of them does this in every life situation but the important thing is to be able to do this this is the secret you must remember you can't make a mistake now that's a very difficult thing to do because from childhood up we have had to conform to a certain social game and if you'll go to conform to this game you can make mistakes or not make mistakes so this thing is gone into it all the time you must do the right thing there's certain conduct appropriate here a certain context appropriate there and that sticks in us and gives us a double self all our lives long because we never grow up! - --- you realize that the whole of life plays a game - which is a childhood game - **There are three kinds of people top people middle people of bottom people and there can't be any middle people and let's to the bottom people and top people accompany any top people unless to the middle and bottom people and so it goes and everybody's trying to be in a top set well if they're going to be there has got to be someone on the bottom set and the people who do the right thing and people do the wrong thing you hear in Sausalito we have this very very plainly there are the right people nice people who live up on the hill then there are the nasty people who live down here on the waterfront and they grow beards and they wear blue jeans and they smoke marijuana and whether the other people on the top of Hill Drive Cadillacs and have wall-to-wall carpeting and nicely mowed lawn and their particular kind of poison is alcohol now the people who live on the top of the hill know that they're nice people but they wouldn't know they were nice people unless they had some nasty people to compare themselves with every in-group requires an output whereas the nasty people think they are the real far-out people whereas those people those Hillbillies the squares and they wouldn't be able to feel far out unless there were squares see these things simply go together but when that is not seen we play the game of getting on top of things all the time and so we're in a constant state of competition as to if it's not I'm stronger than you it's I'm wiser than you I'm more loving than you I'm more tolerant than you I'm more sophisticated than you it doesn't matter what it is that this constant competition is going on in terms of that competition we can of course lose place and in that sense make mistakes but what a Zen student is is a person who is not involved in the status game that's the real meaning of a monk he is not keeping up with the Joneses and to be a master he must get to the point where he's not trying to be a master the whole idea of your your being better than anybody else simply doesn't make any sense at all it is totally meaningless because you see everybody manifesting the Marvel of the universe in the same way as the Stars do and the water and the wind and the animals and you see them all as being in their right places and not being able really to make mistakes although they may think they're making mistakes or not making mistakes and playing all these competitive games but that's their game now I only say if that game begins to boil and it begins to trouble you and give you alphas and all kinds of things then you raise the problem of getting out of it and therefore you start to become interested in things like then that is simply a symptom of your growing in a certain direction where you are tired of playing a certain kind of game you are as naturally flowing in another direction as if a tree were putting out a new branch so because you say oh well we people are interested in higher things you see that depends still on the differentiation of rank between the superior and the inferior people but when you begin to see through that and grow out of that you don't think anymore of this superior and inferior classification you don't think we are spiritual people who attend to higher things as distinct from these morons are only interested in beer and television this is simply our particular form of life like there are crabs and there are spiders and there are sharks and there are sparrows and so on the trouble with the human being is like the trouble with certain animals like the dinosaur who evolved to the point where he was so big did he have to have two brains a higher self in the head and a lower self in the rump and the difficulty was to get these two brains coordinated but we have exactly the same trouble and we are suffering from a kind of jitters that comes from being two brained now you see I'm not saying that that jitters is bad it's a potential step in evolution and an opportunity of growth but remember in the process of growth the oak is not better than the Acorn because what does it do it produces acorns or you could say just I like I sometimes enough to say that a chicken is one eggs way of becoming others so an oak is an acorn way of becoming other acorns where is the point of superiority the first verse of that time I just quoted the flowering branches grow naturally some short some long the first verse is in the landscape of spring there is nothing superior and nothing inferior the flowering branches are naturally some short some long so that's the point of view of being an outcast in the sense of being outside the taking seriously of being involved in the social game and therefore being threatened by making mistakes of doing the wrong thing that is to say of carrying into adult life one's childhood conditioning where somebody is constantly yammering at you to play the game so therefore the preachers and the teachers take the same attitude towards their adult congregation the parents take two children and lecture them and tell them what they should do and judges in courts feel also entitled to give people lectures because they say those criminal types haven't grown up but neither have the judges it takes two to make a quarrel so one can begin to think in a new way in the polarity thinking instead of being stuck with the competitive thinking of the good guys and the bad guys the cops of the robbers the capitalists and the Communists the all these things which are simply childishness now of course you recognize that if I at the moment I say that it's like talking in English in order to show that the English language has limitations and I am talking in a language that seems competitive to show that the competitive game has limitations if I was saying to all you cats here look I have something to tell you that if you get this you will be at a better position than you were before you heard it but I cannot speak to this group or the society or this language speaking culture without using the language the gestures the customs etc that you have the Zen masters try to get around this by doing things suddenly that people just don't get well what is this therefore that is the reason why this is a real reason why then cannot be explained you have to make as it were they jump from the valuation game of better people and worse people in-groups and out-groups and you can only make it by seeing that they all are mutually interdependent so if we take this situation let's say I would be talking to you and saying look I have some very special thing that you've got to take notice of therefore I am the in-group and I'm the teacher and you are the out-group I know perfectly well that I cannot be the teacher unless you come in and so that my estate is in my position is totally dependent on you it isn't something you see therefore I have first and then you get these things arise mutually so if you wouldn't come I wouldn't talk I wouldn't know what the same hahaha because I borrowed your language so that that is the insight that things go together then when you see that and aren't in competition then you don't make a mistake because you don't do this when I first learned the piano and played these wretched scales the teacher beside me had a pencil in my hand and she hit my fingers every time I made a lot wrong note consequent was I never learned to read music because I hesitated too long to play the note on time because I was always business if his pencil gonna land see that gets built into your psyche and so people are always although they're adults and nobody is clubbing them around and screaming at them any longer they hear the echoes of that screaming mama all that bum been aiding Papa in the back of their heads all their life long and so they adopt the same attitudes to their own children and the fast continues because there is no I mean I don't say that you shouldn't lay down the law to children if you want them to play the social game but you if you lay down the law to your children you must make provision later in life for them to be liberated to go through a process of curing them from the bad effects of Education but you can't do that unless you two grow up you see as we grow up as I including myself so that is the fig now therefore in the Zen scene you would think that the master as we know even as we read about him is an extremely authoritarian figure that's the way he deliberately comes on at the beginning he puts up a terrific show of being an awful dragon and this screams out all sorts of people who don't have somehow the nerve to get into the work but once you are in a very strange change takes place the master becomes the brother he becomes the affectionate helper of all those students and they love him as they would a brother rather than respect him as they would have father and therefore the students and masters they make jokes about each other they have a very curious kind of social relationship which has all the outward trappings of the authoritarian but everybody knows on the insides of that to joke liberated people have to be very cool otherwise in a society which doesn't believe in equality and cannot possibly practice it they would be considered extremely subversive therefore great their masters were purple and gold and carries scepters and fitted Thrones and all this carried on to cool it the outside world knows are there all right this has been their order they're perfectly fine

So I just found out about Figuarts Mini, and...

BENDABLE INVISIBLE JOINTS?!  O.O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Talk about competing with Nendoroids.  The one thing half of Nendoroid collectors complain about is visible joints.  Of course, those tend to be the collectors who also prefer static scale figures, and Bandai's previous attempt at invisible jointed chibi figures "Chibi-Arts" didn't really take off...  But if Bandai Spirits can do better advertising (like they told Forbes they would) and get more licensed characters for their line than Bandai Tamashii Nations did with Chibi-Arts, maybe it'll do well.  

And these Figuarts Mini are similar in size too: 9cm, vs Nendoroids' 10cm.  I heard from Imaginary Worlds Podcast that figure licenses are usually distributed by figure height.  So if Figuarts Mini are claiming the 90mm height, then it doesn't matter if they double up on characters already made by Good Smile Company's 100mm Nendoroids.  *o*  Is this why Good Smile has recently been able to get licenses for series from Bandai/Sunrise/Toei?  Bandai was always notorious for hoarding their licenses.  Especially away from Good Smile Company. GSC even lamented about it during an Anime Expo panel once.  That's why you never see Nendoroids of Dragonball, One Piece, Magi, Sailormoon, and other series with licenses from Sunrise and Toei Animation chained to Bandai.  ...Even if Bandai hardly does anything with them!  I mean, sure, Bandai will make Gunpla for Code Geass, but only 2 Chibi-Arts for Code Geass, and neither are of the main character Lelouch?!?  Anyway...  But in recent years, Good Smile has gotten licenses from Bandai/Sunrise/Toei series, like Dr. Slump, Doremi, Escaflowne, etc.  Are Bandai letting them have some licenses for thier 10cm Nendoroids, because they got out of the 10cm chibi figure market and now Good Smile using their licenses won't take those characters away from the 9cm Figuarts Mini roster?  *o*  Good glob, that means we may get all those Sunrise and Toei Nendoroids that used to be locked up with Bandai!!!  *O*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Still, I think Figuarts Mini make the same mistake as Chibi-Arts.  Chibi-Arts were posable chibi figures, but they weren't articulated nor were their parts compatible between characters.  You could change a Chibi-Arts figure's pose, but only to pre-designed alternate poses, and not much else.  And you could barely change parts between figures.  Maybe within the same series, characters could exchange faceplates, like Code Geass Chibi-Arts and Kamen Rider W Chibi-Arts, but that was about it.  Eventually, Bandai phased out the switchable parts and alternate poses in their Chibi-Arts, like in their static Tiger & Bunny Chibi-Arts.  One of the best things about Nendoroids is their customizability.  I have several customized Nendoroids of characters not officially offered by Good Smile, and I never even had to re-paint or re-sculpt anything.  I just switched some parts between different characters---from different series too.  And even within one character in and of itself, their parts are so articulated that I can customize poses with more variety, regardless of whatever figure photography concept I'm trying to shoot.

On the other hand, there are those static figure collectors, who hate visible joints.  And there are a lot of figure collectors who don't even care for posing or customizing their figures.  Plus, I do hear from a lot of collectors who hate dealing with small parts and have trouble getting joints to stay in their pegs.  These are the people who say authentic Nendoroids "fall apart", even though bootlegs are the only ones with that type of bad quality.  But I will have to admit, if my hands wasn't inherently adept and/or conditioned throughout the years with fine motor skills, I'd probably have trouble putting together Nendoroids too.  Actually, even with my hands, there are a few non-bootleg Nendos that still give me trouble.  ^^;  So if Figuarts Mini goes for that market, they may just survive.  

Honestly, I'm kind of excited to see, in person, the type of material around the bendable parts.  Is it silicone rubber?  How many years will it stay flexible?  This could be really exciting, even if its sacrifices some versatility/customization.  It'll at least be interesting.  I should at least get one, like I did with Kotobukiya's Nendo rival, Cu-Poche.  Now make a Lelouch!  

Sanders Sides/ Boku no Hero Academia Quirk AU

Yes, you heard me.

Maybe this warrants some context.

So, I was looking for bizarre crossover fanfiction, as you do, and I came across one Sanders Sides and BNHA fic called “What Makes Up Midoriya” by kalopsic on ao3. I read it and, it’s a bit rough but damn did the idea stick in the best ways.

Anyways, I can’t seem to write a fic fast enough to post it . I’m already working on trying to adapt it into a comic or something but I’d honestly rather just read it. I already posted this on my ao3 account, though I don’t have any fics written there but I’m gonna copy and paste the google doc here. There will be criticism of the original fic and if you end up reading it, kalopsic, just know that I love your fanfiction and will be waiting for your next update if you’re still working on it.

Basic plot: My Hero Academia--Canon Divergence

The divergence being that Izuku basically had physical manifestations of the Sanders sides

Sides:

Rin/ Anxiety: didn’t start out with dark bags like real Thomas’ Anxiety, he developed them over time for reasons I’ll say later

Yoshi/ Morality: the child of the group, as opposed to Thomas’ being the dad

Akio/ Hero/ Princey: basically Roman but Izuku just wanting to be a hero

Satoshi/ Logic: basically Logan

Original fic dislikes:

each side had a quirk and I felt that, that it easily made Izuku very OP (overpowered), even they acknowledged it,  but I just felt like it was too much, no matter how convenient it was (Prince character had the power to double Izuku’s quirk power, Anxiety had the power to cause illusions, Morality had the power to heal, Logic could strategize)

everyone just dismissing his quirk just because that's how everyone treated him in MHA; SERIOUSLY EVERY SEPARATE PERSONALITY HAD ITS OWN QUIRK! HOW IS THAT NOT HERO MATERIAL?! It just didn’t make any sense to me and made me feel disillusioned.

Even if the sides didn't have quirks, they would still be useful; it just seemed like the author was looking for excuses to keep Izuku on track for receiving One For All

Likes:

story had a lot of potential to explore Izuku’s character and emotions, especially if I keep it the same track of it being undiscovered for the majority of his life

It’s just an interesting idea to see these characters placed in such a situation that would for sure require teamwork on the field and each of their reaction and reception to certain events and responsibilities

each facet of his personality may hold more radical opinions or measures to complete certain tasks that Izuku may not want to believe he’d be capable of or like (kinda exploring his character, like I said before); maybe Rin is willing to kill or sacrifice people for “the greater good” kinda thing

if I keep it in the same track of him not discovering it until he’s fourteen or fifteen, it could keep his “growing up quirkless” complex he retains in the show and I think watching work it out between all of the facets of his personality would be nice and comforting; they help him move through the whole treating people with “heroic” quirks like they’re on a pedestal and his inferiority complex

I like the whole emotional aspect of the sides, it’s kinda what entices me about this concept

Things that stay the same:

they first manifest at his thought of “I don’t want to be alone”

they’re basically all the same as Logic, Morality, Anxiety and Hero

he still meets All Might

Sludge villain still happens

he could summon each one individually if he wants

Rin does cares about everyone and the constant danger they’re in causes him so much stress/anxiety (minor change in that he develops the bags overtime)

Changes:

no, each side will not have a quirk

I don’t know if I’ll have them be able to directly talk to him like they do inside his head; small handicap that I feel would help the story would be that he could only talk to them in their physical form but I don’t think I’ll adhere to that for the sake of convenience

he will not get One For All, or at least if he does, it will not be like the canon version, maybe All Might will go with his original plan of bestowing it on one of the students in UA and he saw Izuku has potential

I’ll focus on the growing bond of the personalities because they manifested too late and honestly too close to high school that they need to learn teamwork and cooperation between each other and how to master their quirk

the sides are not omniscient; they don’t come into existence immediately knowing what they are and how they work; they’re all kinda blown away when they appear out of nowhere

he doesn’t need a phrase or punchline to summon them

they choose to have their own names: Satoshi with kanji meaning clear-thinking and quick-witted for Logic, Yoshi with kanji meaning joyful for Morality, Akio with kanji for hero and manly, and Rin with kanji for dignified, severe and cold

Satoshi will develop his need for glasses since he’s always reading and, unwisely, often does it in dark lighting; the only one who needs glasses

Maybe just to have fun, I’ll have each side actually be the other characteristic at their core, like how Yoshi/Morality is actually Izuku’s Hero and not Akio; possibility is Satoshi is actually Anxiety/ Izuku’s fear because at his core, he doesn’t want Izuku to become a hero because it’s reckless and dangerous even though he has all the statistics showing him that it’s, for the most part, a safe enough job with experience and training, and Rin could be Izuku’s strategic heart because he could sense the weakness in any tactic and theirs but he also knows all the possibilities that the plan could go wrong and that’s what makes him so stressed and anxious (I don’t know, this one kinda feels weak); what could Akio be, if he’s not the Hero? Eh, I don’t think I should do this, it’s kinda powerful on its own with just the revelation of Yoshi being Izuku’s true heroic heart

Overview of the “Sides” quirk:

-four full-bodied duplicates of Izuku can be manifested at Izuku’s will; each duplicate houses different aspects of Izuku’s personality

-when a Side is injured, time spent in Izuku’s mind will heal them; time it takes depends on the severity of the injurys

-if a Side’s body is destroyed or “killed” they will regenerate within Izuku’s mind and he can summon them again

-the Sides aren’t hivemind clones but aren’t completely independently people; can feel and think for themselves but regain energy in the time Izuku keeps them stored in himself and have Izuku’s safety as their number one priority instinctually; irrationally ready to die for Izuku (Rin is more subtle about it)

-by default are summoned in the Sanders Sides order of a circle with Izuku standing at the head and Satoshi to his right and Rin at Satoshi’s right, Akio to Rin’s right and Yoshi to Akio’s right, by Izuku’s left; standing in a circle

-farthest Izuku can summon them is twenty feet away from him

-can summon them at light speed after enough practice

-can summon them off the ground (places above him and the like) after a bit of practice

-if he gets One for All, the power Izuku uses for One for All (like 5%) gets distributed evenly between them (they end up with 1% each); it takes them a while to figure this out when they went one hundred percent but all of them were only at twenty-something

-the Sides gain whatever memories Izuku has, even when they’re separated from him but it doesn’t work the other way around until the mind meld; for instance, if Izuku found out an important piece of information while the Sides weren’t there and then Izuku took them back in, they would automatically know what the information is but if a Side found out, then they would have to intentionally tell or “send” the memory/info to Izuku when they’re in the mind

Little Character Quirks (Not the superpower kind):

-Rin hogs Izuku’s phone because (since he’s Izuku’s fear, doubt and pessimism amplified into one single person) he can recognize everything that is potentially dangerous and fatal around him and uses the phone to distract himself; if he’s sitting on the couch by himself, he can recognize about fifteen different fire hazards and weak points in the living room and the danger gives him potentially crippling anxiety even though he knows that the majority of the danger is highly unlikely to happen; he distracts himself by reading articles of all the good things that have happened in the passing year and good deeds that people have done because his mind tends to take a turn for the worst in terms of his faith in humanity

-Satoshi is more believing in the fact that heroes are pretentious assholes, but in much fancier, intellectual words; people like Mt. Lady and Endeavor disgust him, whereas Izuku simply doesn’t care for them; don’t know where he stands on All Might; he, like Logan, wants Izuku to have a career in the scientific field and reminds him of it every other hour

-Akio is very quick to start a fight; has little inhibition and is very confident in his abilities, since he is Izuku’s brave, “heroic” side so he’s quick to act on whatever impulse he has even if he knows it won't end well.

-Yoshi is the ultimate All Might otaku--Izuku’s fanaticism but amplified about ten times--becomes incapacitated every time they talk to All Might. TH3 PHANBOI.

-They each have a different favorite food; Izuku with his pork cutlet bowl, Satoshi with his grilled salmon (he’s a simple man), Akio and his beef teriyaki bowl, Yoshi with his onigiri and bento box-lunch (he’s partial to the cute bento box, the kind that has panda onigiri and octopus sausage), and Rin with his ramen (doesn’t like eating it as much because he’s scared of choking--he has to have a really shitty day to eat it)

-Rin and Akio are suckers for Yoshi (though they’ll never admit to it), since he’s like the child of the group

-Rin can (and actually likes to) cook; learned how to by spending most of his time with his mom and Yoshi; has a little handkerchief that he wraps around his head to cover his hair when he cooks; he keeps it tucked into his front pocket, flowing out in classic emo fashion; makes Yoshi’s cute bento boxes for lunch, though he’ll take that secret to his grave and made Yoshi swear to do so as well; eventually tells the rest and they find it hilarious because he can make the bento boxes super cute; the first one to find out, aside from Yoshi, is Akio and he will help him out with cooking the octopus dogs since he gets really anxious around the jumping grease and Yoshi can’t cook for shit (friendship?); eventually, when everyone finds out, he begins to regularly cook for them since it relieves his stress after a while in the dorms

-ironically, Satoshi is the best fighter of all of them because he has the technique down to a fucking art but Akio is the physically strongest; Satoshi can still beat Akio any time any day

-In terms of fighting, Akio and Satoshi are the more aggressive fighters, but for different reasons; Akio is just the gung-ho, trigger happy type that dives in head first and Satoshi recognizes the circumstances where being on offense is the greater tactical action he could take; Yoshi and Rin are more evasive, Yoshi because he doesn’t want to hurt anyone and Rin because he’s skittish and always scared of being hurt, despite seeing holes in any enemy he faces; Yoshi is more likely to go on offense than Rin when he knows that the enemy is a villian but he can never bring himself to fight seriously with all his power against his classmates or friends, especially Kacchan; it’s not rare to see Rin go on offense, it’s just that he prefers to run because that’s who he is

-Akio is SUPER into fashion; cares a lot about his outward appearance and is the most muscular out of all of them because of it; his money never lasts when he goes out shopping; has ear piercings because why the hell not?

Actual Fic Outline

Act 1

-Izuku is a child, talks to “imaginary friends” that would be triggered by certain events or emotions; he would talk to “Hero” or whatever when he would watch All Might and when he sees animals or kids that need help or when he's sad (maybe Inko’s POV)

-Inko thinks Izuku’s short conversations with himself are kinda odd but she thinks its just something related to his quirk

-when they go to the doctor, the doctor tells them about his toe and that he won’t have a quirk at all

-Inko asks if his conversations with himself and imaginary friends were a sign of a quirk manifestation but doctor dismisses it as child’s imagination; their logic is that if Izuku did manifest a quirk  it would either be hers or her husband’s and the chance of Izuku manifesting something so radically different while having the vestigial toe joint are infinitesimal, practically impossible

-Inko takes his word for it but still thinks about Izuku talking to his “hero side” in front of the computer when she sees her son so heartbroken for being quirkless; she hears him say “we can do it” (all broken and dramatic)

-the sides begin as passing thoughts and sometimes make comments but since it is in Izuku’s head, it feels like he’s talking to himself but just a bit different but he can’t really tell the difference

-goes through childhood “quirkless”

-recall key events but with the “sides” included to show how natural it seems to Izuku and how easily it could be confused for the average thought process; helps an old man with his groceries when he’s like eight (Yoshi); snide comments of him being quirkless (include Akio and Rin); chasing to find the next hero fight and analyzing it (Satoshi) and Kacchan finds him and gets pissed off because he’s interested in becoming a hero (Rin and Akio); stuff like that

-Manifest physically in the beginning of the third year of middle school after Midoriya finally accepts that Kacchan is no longer his friend and thinks “I don’t want to be alone” and passes out for a moment because, seriously, he’s conjuring up at least four physical human beings with a quirk he’s never used before; on a Friday so he doesn’t have to worry about school for at least two days (or whatever day is the start of the weekend in Japan)

-They manifest, all of them have no idea what exactly happened but each have varying reactions

-all of them go home because they don’t know what to do and Inko has a mild freak out

-Have some trouble knowing which Izuku is the real one, even Izuku, but Logic immediately knows that he’s not Izuku and deduces which one of them is the real one by rationalizing that this is his quirk manifesting

-immediate first impressions are Logic is smart and rational, Hero is charismatic and exaggerated; won’t stop droning about how he wants to be a hero, Morality is sweet and kind, and Anxiety is dark and pessimistic

-Inko and Izuku have a teary moment and they all group hug and go to bed, all the Izuku’s are given camitas and stuff

-Next morning they’re all gone and Izuku freaks out just a bit and tries to summon them, with difficulty; starts crying because it doesn’t work until Inko helps him

-Inko and him work on discovering his abilities and stuff, along with Logic; discover that they have all of Izuku’s memories, even the ones when they’re outside of Izuku’s mind, but they only receive it when they are summoned back inside Izuku; they could see and feel what Izuku does but they have their own feelings and awareness; he could summon a specific side if he wants; they get hungry if they are physically manifested but they have no clue why?; if Izuku falls asleep with them still physical, he subconsciously calls them back

-Whenever Inko calls for Izuku, they all turn around

-Inko gives them all, except Anxiety, names to not get them confused ( Satoshi with characters meaning “wise and clever” for Logic,  Yoshi with kanji meaning “joyful” for Morality, Akio with the kanji “manly” for Hero); Anxiety gives himself the name Rin

-Goes to school and accidentally summons Satoshi when he was having trouble figuring out a math problem in class; Kacchan sees this shit and flips out the first time he sees Satoshi and Izuku being nervous and scared summoned Rin subconsciously

-Kacchan gets mad and starts being an ass and Izuku summons Akio subconsciously and Akio immediately fights with Kacchan; Rin suggests they leave Akio behind because it’s his decision to start fighting Kacchan while knowing what the guy is capable of but Izuku tells him that they aren’t leaving him; Rin or Izuku give Akio advice that helps Akio drop Kacchan, shocking everyone including Kacchan; leave while the Bakugou is stunned

-Izuku starts to doubt Rin’s reliability and trustworthiness because he suggested to leave Akio behind

-Izuku activates his quirk sometimes in class and gets made fun of, mostly summoning Rin when he gets really nervous or Satoshi when he’s having trouble with a math problem or something (“He’s like a preschooler!”)

-Appointment with a doctor to confirm his quirk and have it registered in the system; doctor flips out at the astronomical odds that Izuku faced to have his quirk

-Izuku starts noticing that Rin is developing bags under his eyes

-Inko takes them to get clothes after their doctor’s appointment because I want cute shit like that with name tags to help her out

-Meet Kacchan there and, while the moms catch up and stuff, Kacchan and Izuku and the sides have a confrontation; Akio immediately almost starts a fight, Yoshi tries to calm them down but Kacchan hurts his feelings and he cries, Rin just backs off, sulking and Satoshi gets them out of there, closer to the parents within hearing range; all are given nicknames by Kacchan ( “Useless” for Hero, “Smartass” for Logic, “Crybaby” for Morality and “Villian” for Anxiety) 

-leave all nice and color coded but kinda bummed; Inko has no clue what just went down but Izuku and Yoshi won’t let Satoshi or Rin tell her what happened

-back at school, classmates suddenly interested in Izuku now that he’s not “quirkless” and Izuku gains more control over his quirk accidents

-Izuku pals up with some dude Tomoe-kun that has metal fists and becomes friends after a few weeks.

-Tomoe has met all his sides and they’re all chill with him except for Rin because he doesn’t think he’s a real friend since he never talked to them before he knew he had a quirk and Tomue-kun never stood up to Kacchan before

-indicator of the tension between Rin and the rest of the sides as well as Izuku

-Some point when the rest are hanging out with Tomue, Inko brings Rin into the kitchen when she saw him fidgeting without Izuku’s phone and has him help with the dinner, having him cut the vegetables; takes him a while of deliberation while standing over the cutting board with a knife over vegetables, thinking of the hundred of ways the knife could kill him or chop his or his mom’s fingers off when she tells him to just do it and focus on what’s in front of him; once he gets going, he realizes how therapeutic cutting vegetables is; Inko tells him he’s great help; Rin wonders why he isn’t panicking while being surrounded by knives, fire and scalding water

-Izuku and Tomue work to find out more about Izuku’s quirk; if he can summon the sides to wherever he wants and if he can, how far or close can they be? (Maybe their default is in the same position as the Sanders sides? Definitely can only be summoned as far as six feet away) Hypothetical questions of if they can only summoned on the ground, how quick can Izuku summon them, etc.; when they combine back into Izuku’s body again, they gain Izuku’s memories but Izuku doesn’t gain theirs

-Some point during the testing, they figure out they’re facets of Izuku’s personality; maybe at a doctor’s visit by scanning his brain; when they aren’t physical, Izuku’s brain has parts buzzing with activity and they are inactive when Izuku has them all summoned; conclusion, the strange, active parts of the brain are the sides; they all just figure out which aspect each one of them is, which is easy at this point

-Yoshi and Rin have a heart to heart after Rin has a panic attack without Izuku’s phone while Inko was at work or something; finds out how butthurt Rin is that the others treat him the way they do; not directly said but it’s implied that Rin is afraid to get attached to them for reasons unknown right now ( “It’s fine. It makes this easier.”--Rin, 2k18)

-Yoshi begins to hang out more with Rin and his mom when Izuku, Akio and Satoshi hang out with Tomue; Yoshi gets Rin a Tamagotchi to use instead of Izuku’s phone for when he goes out

-All hanging out in the mall sometime after a testing session and Yoshi sees an ultra-cute lunch box with panda onigiri and octopus sausages and he loses it; discovery of Yoshi’s favorite food (not that important, just a wholesome little moment for later)

-when tension between Tomue and Rin during a practice session makes Izuku uncomfortable enough to force Rin to disappear during one of their tests

-Inko and Rin have a heart to heart after a tense, awkward dinner but nothing is resolved; conversation ends with Rin telling Inko that he knows that all the sides and Izuku don't like him, maybe not even she does and she just hugs him and tells him that she loves him but nothing else; she knows that what he said about Izuku is mostly true but she doesn't know how to help him

-(time skip?) months pass and Izuku and Tomue are still pals and Rin is still a pessimistic outcast in the group; Rin spends time with Inko mostly and Yoshi, isolating himself from Izuku and the others; Akio doesn’t understand why Yoshi likes Rin so much

-end of the year thing with burned notebook happens and the scrutiny of his ability to become a hero because his quirk isn’t flashy or powerful; “You might as well be quirkless” “Your uselessness just multiplied itself four times.”

-Satoshi shares the same sentiment and tells Izuku that they would help save more lives by being a scientist or engineer and they would be more financially stable because heroes with flashier quirks tend to make more and their quirk isn’t particularly flashy

-sludge villain happens, Tomue runs to get help, Izuku summons all the Sides subconsciously and Rin calls All Might when he sees him looking for the slime villain

-Izuku asks All Might if he could become a hero even though he’s not particularly powerful or experienced with his quirk; All Might says yes but with much training and education; All Might recognizes that Izuku is a one man team and tells him to build on all their teamwork; Izuku asks him of he could train him or something but All Might rushes off because he was about to return to his normal form

-Izuku starts looking for Tomue to tell him the news but Rin says “screw him, he left us” because All Might was literally wandering around in the direction that Tomue went and he still didn’t focus on getting help instead of running away but everyone is against Rin for ruining the good vibes they all had

-Rin stalks off and Yoshi goes after him; Izuku and the rest find Tomue in the clutches of the sludge villain, save him when Rin and Yoshi come back (they had a “gut feeling”) and All Might talks to Izuku again, scolding him for being reckless but agreeing to draw him up a fitness regimen to help him strengthen up, inspired by the Sides teamwork and strategy; he tells them to get enrolled in cheerleading (For lols but it actually helps establish trust and build agility) and Izuku and Akio are mortified about it but won’t reject any advice from their idol

-begin training with Tomue, but he tends to flake; during the months they discover that they all will continuously match Izuku’s image and body because Rin doesn't do the training but he’s still growing the muscles like Izuku and the rest but he doesn't have the hand to hand combat skills they're building

-Izuku tells Tomue about cheerleading and Tomue tells him there’s not a chance he’s joining with him

-Izuku joins the community cheerleading group with adults who already graduated high school and they help him out; makes friends with them and they all love Yoshi; meets small time retired hero who attends to keep in shape and stay active (grew up in a circus in a family of trapeze artists); helps him with combat moves and techniques as well as acrobatics since he’s a total noob; combat lessons for free!

-Izuku and Akio are the most enthusiastic fighters and spar in their spare time; Satoshi is the best fighter out of all of them and this pisses off Akio to no end

-Yoshi is trying to integrate Rin with the rest of the group (begs him to go with them to the cheer practice and combat sessions with the veteran hero and Rin actually gets along with the veteran hero), telling the others that they’re being unfair but they don’t particularly care or make an effort to connect with Rin because Rin isn’t trying either

-Small scene at home where Yoshi used some leftover rice from dinner to try to make onigiri and Rin watches painfully from the sidelines; everyone else is busy getting ready for bed or studying so Rin decides to cut in before anything gets worse and asks what the hell Yoshi is trying to do; Yoshi tells him he wants to make the cute “Kawaii” panda onigiri he had in that one bento box they got at the mall that one time because it was “amazing” and “adorable” but he’s failing miserably; Rin looks at the messed up seaweed and rice balls and sighs, quickly cutting little designs and magically making one, blowing Yoshi’s mind into another dimension (“Like this?” Yoshi looks at the little panda and his jaw drops, eyes sparkling in adoration and disbelief as they look at him in wonder.); soon, Yoshi starts mysteriously ending up with cute bento box lunches; Rin makes him swear to take this information to his grave

-During a cheerleading session, the retired hero tells Izuku that he has to bond with his Sides more and grow the trust they have in each other because they don’t have enough to become an effective team (regarding Rin and the frequently bickering Sides); tells him trust is a two way street and that trust is not something that is given freely (Rin’s perceived lack of trust in Izuku and Izuku in him); tells them they have to connect on a deeper level *wink, wink* foreshadowing *wink, wink*

-Tomue and Izuku plan on taking the UA test together and do but Tomue ditches Izuku to get points and Izuku only managed to get one five pointer and one ten pointer because Satoshi and Rin are arguing over the chances of winning with Satoshi’s strategy (some ways he defeats them is having them chase two of the Sides and have the run toward each other and make them disappear before they crash, making the robots crash; Satoshi recognizes a mechanism in one of the hinge joints of the robots and Rin helps him discover a weakness to exploit and render it useless; stupid stuff like that)

-the zero pointer comes; Izuku and Yoshi immediately run to help Uraraka and Satoshi pulls them back to make a plan where he and Rin distract the zero pointer and Akio, Yoshi and Izuku free Uraraka and once they get them to a safe distance, Izuku summons them back and he, Yoshi, Akio and Uraraka go hide and the timer runs out

-Izuku is devastated because he “knows” he failed; Akio tries to cheer him up by telling him that they could just take the general studies course and participate in the sports festival or go to another school and study in their hero department and Satoshi tells him that now he could focus on science rather than heroism and Izuku shuts them out for a while

-Tomue tries to comfort him and tells him he’ll tell him all about the school because he’s confident he at least passed

-Izuko gets his acceptance and tells his mom, summons his Sides (apologizes for shutting them out for days) and they all go to tell Tomue, except for Rin who’s still salty

-Izuku and the rest get to Tomue’s house and turns out Tomue didn’t get in and he’s a wreck; says “let’s grieve together”, assuming that Izuku didn’t get in either but Izuku tells him that he got in

-Tomue gets mad that Izuku did even though he scored way more kill points than he did and his quirk is way better and more “heroic”; Izuku asks him if that’s what he’s always thought and Tomue says yes but that he’d planned to make Izuku and his Sides his sidekicks so that they could be an entire combat squad of only two people; Izuku is hurt and so is Yoshi and Akio but Akio gets mad rather than showing his hurt so openly; Satoshi gets them all to leave before all hell breaks loose between Akio and Tomue; Yoshi is crying

-Izuku comes to the realization that they’ve ignored Rin more than this once regarding his opinion about things when he was right; Tomue isn’t a friend

-return home and Izuku apologizes to Rin, telling him he was right about Tomue and that he will make an effort to make Rin know that he is heard; Rin tries to be all nonchalant but from this point, their attitudes towards him is different, more respected but still tense

-celebrate his acceptance that night and they all get along and feel connected for once

-When Izuku and the rest are registering their quirk, they agree that they are sides of Izuku, so they call their quirk “Sides”

Act 2

-high school starts and the canon events happened except that he got help with the long jump and grip strength so he didn't get last place in every one, only got last place in about five or six (don’t focus so much on it; kinda just skim over it)

-Lunch time with his sides; Izuku is not a star student or particularly outstanding at first like in the manga or anime but he still trains hard and strategizes with Satoshi even though Satoshi tries to convince him to become a scientist instead every other minute; Ochako is introduced to all the sides at this time and he explains his quirk to her; wish each other luck with their hero careers; Akio has obvious crush on her and is, unfortunately, confident enough to flirt with her, but they go way over her head

-Emphasize the struggle to keep up in the quirk exercises; Kacchan is relentless with his teasing because of his non-flashy quirk; Ochako backs Izuku up when Akio gets ready to square up; Kacchan almost loses it when Yoshi tells Akio not to fight with “friends” and Kacchan tells him he’s not his friend; Aizawa breaks up whatever would’ve happened, making the sides disappear and erasing Kacchan’s quirk

-gets recognized for his strategy skills (mostly Satoshi and Rin) and combat skills (mostly Akio and Izuku) in the hero vs. villain weapon test

-teamwork between Rin and Akio is incredibly sloppy but they get the job done of distracting Kacchan with Izuku while Yoshi, Satoshi and Uraraka get the weapon

-Izuku has all the sides out and teams up with Rin and Akio to distract Kacchan while Ochako, Yoshi and Satoshi go after the weapon with Iida

-Rin and Akio begin to fight over how to handle Kacchan since Rin wants to keep his distance with him and be evasive while Akio wants to take him on hand to hand; Akio is less forgiving of Kacchan and would like some physical revenge

-Satoshi has a plan with Yoshi and Satoshi both engaging Iida in combat while Ochako stealths her way to the weapon but Iida makes sure to stay close

-Yoshi pulls his punches with Iida and Satoshi reprimands him for being too forgiving (“If this was a real battle, you would be risking your life and everyone else’s!”); Yoshi blocks a quick kick that would’ve hit Satoshi cause he was distracted

-Get Iida just far away enough for Ochako to get to the weapon

-test revealed the obvious tension between Akio and Rin and the hypothetical liability of having Yoshi on the field because he didn't want to hurt anyone and would pull his punches with Iida

-Izuku notices that Rin could dodge and would warn them of punches and attacks that Kacchan hadn’t thrown yet before even Izuku could process them and protected any weak spots in their stances that he could, warning them of their open spots and reminding them of the basic defensive stances; first signs of Rin’s keen ability to sense and find weakness in the group and in an enemy that is hyper focused when he is not in Izuku’s mind

-All Might gives Midoriya a pep talk; Izuku shares the progress he made with his quirk and the technique he's working on

-All Might compliments his hero suit; it is, unfortunately, still the same as the anime (not a big fan of the bunny ears, sorry)

-after this Akio decided that instead of wearing normal clothes, he will be wearing his hero suit at all times because “you never know when a villian attack could happen”

-Izuku is working on a technique where he summons them at different heights and certain distances so they could grab hands and propel him further towards where he wants; kinda weird to explain: it would be very quick and they would need to manifest nanoseconds at a time for it

-Can never get it quite right because they’re still off and not in harmony; end up bickering by the end of it

-Izuku tries to get Rin and Akio to hang out together alone and get on friendlier terms but they just end up fighting and insulting each other and stop when Yoshi just begs for them to get along (they’re both kinda suckers for Yoshi but Rin will never admit it); it usually starts with Akio saying something insensitive or Rin joking in a way that insults Akio and he takes it personally

-Izuku and the sides are hanging out in the dorm living room with Ochako and Iida; Akio pesters Satoshi while he’s studying and asks him how he’s on such good terms with Rin and how to get along with him; Satoshi simply tells him that he and Rin are amiable and have common interests in terms of strategy, though Rin usually focuses on the potential failure rate of each strategy; Akio tries to see if he and Rin have common interests

-Akio notices Satoshi is squinting his eyes and they realize that Satoshi needs glasses now, since he’s strained his eyes by reading articles on the computers and read books late at night, in bad lighting for close to a year and a half; Momo makes him some glasses in class during break when Yoshi reprimands Satoshi for straining his eyes while reading an article without glasses and asks for the prescription that they took at the last doctor’s visit; Satoshi just tells her because he memorized all the words in the prescription paper he was given

-Izuku is elected class rep because of Satoshi’s analytical mind and Akio’s charisma but Izuku thinks about how he could barely get all his sides to get along and doubts his ability to be class rep even though Akio and Yoshi are all for it at lunch with Ochako and Iida

-Ochako asks Yoshi where he got his super cute bento lunch and Rin gives Yoshi a death glare, making him stutter and change the subject

-Akio tries desperately to find common ground with Rin about food but Rin finds it weird and uncomfortable; unintentionally insults the bento box that Yoshi has that Akio doesn’t know Rin made

-media incident starts and in the panic, Yoshi and Satoshi are separated from Izuku, Rin and Akio; Akio suggests a reckless idea to Izuku to try to get everyone’s attention and then Rin tells him it’s stupid and dangerous, whatever it was; Akio tells him that this is why they don’t get along and they start to fight and yell at each other while Izuku tries to calm them down

-Iida intervenes and Izuku hands off the class representative to him, knowing that he can’t lead if he can’t even get his sides to get along

-Izuku realizes that, for the most part, he has no idea how to work with his sides and doubts his abilities to lead them

-has heart to heart with his sides that brings all the issues between them to light; Satoshi tries to deter him from being a hero and Akio and Yoshi strongly disagree; Rin still feels like an outsider and doesn’t think it will change anytime soon (doesn’t think he wants it to change); Izuku tries to tell him he accepts him and cares about him but Rin won't let himself feel; kinda bittersweet while they go to bed

-USJ incident occurs and he, Asui and Mineta escape by having Satoshi hot wire the boat (discover that Satoshi is basically the library of all of Izuku’s knowledge even if he himself forgot it or just glossed over it) and have Akio spin it around with Mineta’s sticky balls in the water, getting some villains stuck on the boat, to each other or their hands together, unable to use their quirk while Asui got them out with her tongue and Izuku summons the sides back to fight off just a few escaped villains

-Yoshi jumps in the way of Tomura’s hand when he reaches for Asui, gets disintegrated: brief moment before contact where Izuku was instinctively gonna call back Yoshi but he hears Yoshi tell him not to in his head; Izuku and Akio have a mild meltdown and, despite Satoshi and Rin’s warnings, attempts to punch Tomura but Nomu gets in the way, breaks Akio’s arm and almost kills Izuku before pros show up

-Akio is taken to Recovery Girl and Izuku, Rin and Satoshi are with Principal Nedzu, talking about their loss and a grace period for grieving and their ability to go home

-meet Akio outside nurse’s office and see through his nonchalant, victorious act

-are outside the school late at sunset and they see All Might; he tells him not to give up, that they need heroes like him and Yoshi, true heroes and then he walks away (foreshadow All Might’s decision to choose Izuku as next One For All?)

-Akio breaks down on his knees and Rin tries to calm him but all of them are shedding varying degrees of tears; Rin breaks down, too

-Rin reveals that he’s made effort to prevent himself being attached to them because they want to be heroes and people fucking die doing this shit (dun dun dun! Big emotional reveal! Wow!); (“Dammit, why does it still hurt?!”); guilty because Yoshi probably died not knowing how important he really was to Rin

-Izuku has a flashback of the first time he ever saved something; a bird that fell out of its nest; birth of Yoshi, his “morality”; goes over every interaction he had with Yoshi in his life in a split second and he discovers that Yoshi was Hero from when he was little, not Akio, like they all thought

-they hear Yoshi in their head; Izuku tries to summon Yoshi and it works; happy reunion, tears everywhere: Yoshi legit thought he was dead (comic relief, sorta)

-discovery that Yoshi is the true hero in Izuku, the one that wants to save lives and make the world better, as opposed to Aiko who likes the thrill, action and glory; He’s just the brave one with the dream

-Akio has an interesting reaction to the news that Yoshi is the Hero in Izuku and not him; he doesn’t know how to react to that

-a new thing about his quirk has been discovered; you can't kill a side without killing Izuku (total cop-out but I hope it’s still emotional and doesn’t ruin the story)

-they go home, something in their relationship different than before; discovery of Rin’s ability to care and his confession of being afraid to care; Yoshi's connection with everyone; they all admit they care about each other, even Akio to Rin but there's still issues to sort out there

-Izuku discover the next morning that he could hear Yoshi in his head when he's not physically manifested

-the psychic manifestation of their quirk is developing; questions about why he can't talk to the others in his head arise

Act 3

-They’re leaving Recovery Girl’s office the day of Sports Festival Announcement, Izuku, Akio and Yoshi get hella pumped now that Akio can fight again while Satoshi struggles to understand why they’re so excited for the event; says so during lunch (fun fact: they each have a different favorite food)

-Ochako asks Yoshi where he got his adorable as hell bento box again; Rin gives him the death glare; Izuku and Akio notice that it’s the second time he does this but brush it off

-Izuku and Akio mention how they hope to get first place and that they’ll need to practice their movesets to get better and stand a chance; Satoshi makes it clear that he doesn’t think they’ll get in the one on one rounds

-Izuku and Satoshi get in an argument at lunch; Izuku just wants support from Satoshi for once and wants to make his chances of being a good hero higher; winning first in the sports festival will get him recognized

-Izuku knows that he isn’t anyone special or significant like he is in the show and he’s hoping this will change that

-Satoshi tells him that he doesn’t understand why he wants to become a hero in the first place; “You can save just as much, even more lives, by becoming an engineer or doctor than becoming something as presumptuous as those self-proclaimed heroes you idolize so much.”

-Izuku and Satoshi are no longer on speaking terms in the two weeks of training for the festival

-Izuku decides that he will win the sports festival with or without him

-Day of festival comes and Izuku wins the race in first like the anime and fares maybe a bit better in the cavalry battle; only Akio and Rin helping out, but they butt heads a lot

-Satoshi is watching within the depths of Izuku’s consciousness; watches him struggle throughout the cavalry battle and race but doesn’t help out of spite; slowly and slowly becoming more aware and more self-thinking within Izuku as he watches him struggle through Hitoshi’s battle; snaps when he sees Izuku barely able to dodge some of Todoroki’s first shots when he tried to end the battle with the massive ice blast; Satoshi is awakened and suddenly aware of himself in Izuku’s mind

-(Flashback to Satoshi’s birth) first inkling of Logic was born during the creation of the first hero notebook, finally fully realized in the first notebook where Izuku actually began breaking down certain tactics instead of just writing them down and going through alternative strategies and criticisms; the infamous “muttering”

-Satoshi begins speaking to Izuku in his mind and gives him a strategy to have Todoroki exhaust his ice power by dodging the blasts with some help from precisely-timed appearances from the other Sides to propel him in certain directions at a certain timing but the Side that propels him has to be hit by the blast, since they haven’t mastered the half-second, quick version of it; at a certain point, Satoshi stops directly talking to Izuku because, since they’re psychically connected now, Satoshi just thinks it and Izuku and the rest just know what he’s trying to tell him; they bring him to close quarters in hand to hand with Todoroki but Todoroki gets desperate and uses his flames to blast him away, which Satoshi warned Izuku was a possibility and that they should be prepared to lose if that happened; this completes the link between Satoshi and the rest; Izuku gets gets the place that he got in the anime

-Todoroki hates Izuku for making him desperate enough to use his fire; Izuku never got to Todoroki about it being his power, not his father’s

-after matches, Satoshi tells Izuku to speak to him physically; Satoshi tells him that he doesn’t understand him and his recklessness, his need to become a hero; he tells him that he doesn’t understand but that he will help him become the greatest hero he can be

-Brushes off the emotions as best as he could

-Few weeks, Izuku’s recognized as the one in the second to last round and being so resourceful with a non flashy quirk; Akio is relishing it

-small note about the Sides healing along with Izuku because they got pretty fucked up by Todoroki

-Some domestic scenes of training and teamwork; more smooth with Satoshi and Yoshi because of the completed link; can do the split second propelling technique they’ve been developing with those two; Rin and Akio are still on the outside

-Yoshi gets scraped pretty bad when Akio and Rin fail to catch Yoshi during training because of their incompatibility and Akio feels guilty; finds Rin in the kitchen that night while Izuku is studying with Satoshi; finds out Rin is the one that makes Yoshi’s bento boxes and Rin has him swear that he won’t tell any of the others he does this; Akio asks him why he’s doing it tonight since he doesn’t always do it and Rin admits that he feels bad for letting Yoshi fall earlier; Akio says he’ll keep his secret, but offers to help with the stove work because Rin looks uncomfortable around the stove while he is frying the octopus sausages; Rin decorates extra cute since he feels bad for Yoshi getting hurt

-small bonding moment where Akio realizes he knows how to cook because, while the others were partying it up with Tomue, Rin was hanging out with his mom, helping make lunch and dinner (thinks about one time when Akio complimented his mom on a bowl of beef teriyaki that he loved and his mom was gonna tell him something that sounded like she was saying that she didn’t make it but Rin cut her off, eyes pleading her to not say anything; no one notices the small blush when Akio goes on and on about how good the teriyaki bowl is); begs Rin to make him some more beef teriyaki and Rin shoves him away, saying that the bonding moment is over but after this point, they’re on more friendly terms

-Day of internship picking starts and Izuku chooses to apply for a clone hero but is surprised when All Might chooses him as an intern

-Akio, Yoshi and Izuku fanboy the fuck out and Rin and Satoshi are all like “this has to be a mistake” but for different reasons; Rin thinks All Might would never intentionally choose them because nobody would want to choose them as an intern; Satoshi just thinks it was a mistake with paperwork

-find out it isn’t a joke when All Might goes to them during lunch and talks to them personally about his life and why he wants to be a hero

-Izuku tells him his answer and how Yoshi is kinda Izuku’s heroic soul personified; Akio’s still butthurt by this but doesn’t deny it because he knows it’s true

-Lunch ends and Ochako and Iida pester him about the meeting; Izuku tells them what they talked about

-Day of internships begin and All Might takes them out on a three hour patrol before going out to eat with them; tells them he just wants to get to know them and no villain attacks happened so he doesn’t need to waste much energy

-All Might brings them to his apartment after dinner; Izuku and Yoshi are taking in his apartment as avid fans would and Akio is still gushing over him while Rin and Satoshi just chill out; Rin’s using the Tamagotchi

-All Might orders out and they have dinner; Rin criticizes the rice balls they got and Satoshi makes the smart remark of “I’d like to see you attempt to make some.”; Akio sends Rin a knowing smirk and Rin glares at him

-All Might calls the night off short because he could feel himself losing the energy to keep his form; sort of startles Izuku, but they accept it and go to bed

-Next day they wake up early and find that All Might is still in his room, but his door is locked; Rin finds it suspicious, Satoshi just mildly so, but ultimately sides with Izuku, Yoshi and Akio when they say he just likes his privacy and he’s a hero so there might be some attempts on his life

-Out of money and out of options, Akio settles for volunteering to make omelettes, since he’s seen Rin make some and thought “why the hell not?” and fails horribly; Rin decides to let the group know that he likes to cook and he can cook well when he sees Akio try to make omelettes the second time and cuts in before things can get too bad; ties his hair back with a black handkerchief that he keeps in his pocket for “fashionable purposes”

-All Might gets out of the room around eleven and sees them all eating breakfast, talking pretty easily in his dining room; tells them he expected them to be asleep still, but this will be revealed later to be a lie since he heard them up and changed into his All Might form; compliments Rin on his cooking and Rin blushes cause he deep, deep, deeep down inside, he’s still an All Might fan and All Might just complimented his cooking; Izuku and Akio see this and get weirded out (“I didn’t know Rin was capable of being flustered.”)

-All Might tells them the plan for the day: visit some kids at a children’s hospital and then go on patrol around a certain, defined section of the city then have lunch, then patrol the second part of the city; tells Izuku he might have to take frequent bathroom breaks because he hasn’t been feeling well these past few days; end of the day, he’s going to be cleaning the beach that he cleans in the anime and tells him his goal is to clear the horizon before the week of the internship ends

-Akio asks him why they’re spending time with kids and cleaning up a beach after only spending two or three hours patrolling; All Might tells him that to be a hero, you don’t need to fight villains, you need to do what’s right and good for the world

-Satoshi asks for some clarity on the symptoms he’s experiencing and lists off several illnesses it can be but All Might brushes it off shakily

-This system, somehow, succeeds for the first few days; All Might assessed Izuku’s behavior with the children, even Rin’s, who’s been cordial; saw him help out with a few elderly looking for help with carrying things; watches the boys working together during the beach clean up and notices that Rin and Akio seem to get along better, still bicker though; takes a lot of bathroom breaks

-End of the day, All Might calls it a night at the beach and head to the apartment but then the Hosu attack happens

-All Might goes and tells Izuku to stay put but Izuku decides to head on there anyway on a bike, since the city they’re in is close to Hosu; calls all the Sides to himself

-While on his way to the fight, Izuku passes the alley with Iida and Stain; interferes immediately when he sees Iida pinned and sends location to Todoroki like in the anime; Todoroki shows up but he doesn’t consider Izuku a friend in this world

-Yoshi and Satoshi take Native and Iida out of the scene while Todoroki, Akio, Izuku and Rin stay and Satoshi feeds Izuku possible strategies in their heads; Midoriya gets paralyzed and Satoshi is left to work with Rin and Akio

-Todoroki gets paralyzed and Rin and Akio are left; Hero Killer deems Akio a fake hero because he just wants the title, making Akio have a small crisis ( “Even you’re more of a hero than I am” Akio to Rin) have to settle differences and work together during the Rin/Akio teamwork, it becomes something close to yin and yang; defense and offense; Rin defends, Akio attacks

-Remembers birth of “Hero” and “Anxiety”; remembers that they were born at the same time; Akio was born the time that Izuku stood up to Kacchan; Rin manifested that same moment, which is the first time he was really afraid of Kacchan; all his doubt and fear and inferiority almost made him not stand up to Kacchan but Hero hyped him up and made him brave enough to stand up to him; was scared to stand up to him but he did; Akio and Rin were wrestling for dominance in that instance when he was crying and shaking but still standing strong

-they link with Midoriya at the same time when he’s able to move again; bond between all of them is complete and they all sense it

-Rin, Akio and Izuku work in perfect harmony (do the split second summoning technique with Izuku and each other), knowing what each of them are thinking; Yoshi and Satoshi can see what’s going on and help in their place protecting Iida and Native far away; Yoshi helps Iida with his crisis, gets him moving; Satoshi tells the rest he’s messaged All Might about the situation and he should be there soon if he sees it, though he could be busy with whatever disaster is happening further away (keep in mind here, Izuku didn’t see the Nomus)

-All Might comes in later while Akio is incapacitated and Rin, Izuku, and Todoroki are keeping him at bay; cuts the fight short when Stain tries to jump him

-Restrain Stain with the rope and All Might reprimands the students for doing something so reckless and dangerous; other heroes show up; All Might is staring at Izuku the whole time and he can feel his gaze

-Tell them about the fabricated story and to not tell others about that night; goes back to the apartment with All Might and it’s all quiet since Izuku brought the Sides back to himself

-All Might starts to steam up and Izuku starts freaking out but Toshinori tells him to ignore it and explains his quirk and why it’s so powerful and reveals his true form by the time he’s done with his explanation; has Izuku sit down with him and he tells him that Izuku is a true hero and that he’s what the world needs; he won’t be there for very long and One for All needs to be passed on to a worthy predecessor; tells Izuku he wants to pass his power onto him

-Izuku short-circuits and passes out

End of this story because I’m a sucker for cliffhangers. Figures that my first post would be the longest thing ever.

My Brother’s Keeper - Chapter V

Genre: Psychological Thriller

Characters: Modern Ivar X Modern Hvitserk

Rating: MA 18+

Overall Warning:  Dark story told from an emotionally distributed person’s POV with graphic and sadistic material including rape, terror, torture, kidnapping, drug use, slash, implied incest, necrophilia, and insecurity. Heavy trigger warnings.  

Chapter Warning: Angst, talk of violence, drug use

Summary: Mama always said to be their brothers’ keeper. Now there is absolutely nothing these two won’t do for each other.  Boys will be boys…

Chapter V

I can't figure out why I'm so edgy today.  For all intents and purposes, I should be pretty fucking happy.  I had a great time last night.  I slept well, took a good shit this morning, and had a delicious breakfast with Ivar.  Instead of pancakes, today, he made French toast.  I was thoroughly impressed.  

I even worked on a few things in the basement while I waited for Thora’s morning classes to be done.  I meant it last night when I told her I wanted to spend the day with her today. I just wish that I was in a better mood now.  ‘Cause right now, everything is annoying the fuck out of me.  

Sometimes, I can’t stand how childish Thora is.  I mean, she’s a grown-ass woman, so why does her room look like a five-year-old’s?  Everything in here is a hideous shade of pink.  Stupid fucking unicorns, teddy bears, and little porcelain things decorate her shelves and her bed is always perfectly made up with a fluffy pink and white comforter. It’s just all so…innocent. 

I shouldn’t be all that surprised – her room reminds me of her.  Sweet…girly…fucking perfect, just like her. It’s fucking sickening. Sometimes everything I love about her, the fact that she’s so different from the people I like to party with is the one thing about her that drives me fucking insane.  

I need to get out of this room and get some air before I break every fucking thing in here. 

I walk out of her dorm and outside into the chilly afternoon.  The autumn breeze is cool on my face and helps me focus on something other than my uneasiness.  It’s so crisp out here, today.  Believe it or not, this is my favorite time of year to party.  I don’t know what it is about the fall, but people seem to be out more than they are in the spring or the summer.  Maybe it’s the wonderful colors of the season or the smell of the decaying leaves?  Whatever it is, people seem to come out in droves and I’m fucking here for it.  There are so many more adventurous people that are willing to party this time of year, it gets my blood racing.

Jesus, am I still thinking about partying?  Normally, the day after Ivar and I go out, I just concentrate on being with my girl.  Being with her helps me put my life back in perspective. She’s my reminder of what my other life is going to be like when I get this hunger under control.  She helps dull the cravings for a few more days before the gnawing starts again and I need to feed it.  I know I’ve been wanting to party more often than I usually do, but it’s never been the next day.  Being around her is supposed to help me forget about it.  

But, right now it’s not working.  

I need to get myself together because when I’m with Thora, she depends on me to take care of her.  I do for her what Ivar does for me.  Besides giving me something else to concentrate on other than finding the next one, when I’m with her, I just want to comfort her. Especially, since she cries a lot. She's like a little girl that's not in control of her emotions. Whether she's happy, sad, or scared, the tears are the same. I know it sounds weird, but I like when she cries. I think it’s because I can usually make it all better. At least, I'm so busy trying, that partying doesn't cross my mind…not a lot anyway. 

Today, though, I can’t comfort a damn soul.  Not with my heart about to jump out of my chest.  This fucking anxiety is overwhelming. I had fun last night so I shouldn't even want to again this soon.

I should be able to ignore this. It's not like I can't function without it. It's more irritating than anything, like a constant nagging. I like I can hear it calling me from far away, but it's getting louder by the minute. I bet it was because I had to rush last night. I was so busy trying to finish before that guy died and shitted on me that I finished too quickly.  That’s got to be the reason.  That is exactly why I  hate rushing.

If we go out tonight I'm gonna do it slowly; take my time and do it right. I'm going to do everything I want and I won't give myself a time limit. That's the only way to make my palms stop sweating and get my heart to stop beating like I’m running a goddamn marathon. Yeah, going slow will make it better. It has to because I hate this feeling.

I reach my forefinger and thumb into the small change pocket of my jeans and retrieve the two pills there.  Without hesitation, I pop the two Klonopin in my mouth before taking a healthy sip from my water bottle.  I wish I had something stronger. That reminds me that Ivar and I need to visit that guy he knows across town to reup on party favors.  What kind of hosts would we be if we didn’t keep libations to put our guests in the mood?  We’ve really been slacking, lately.  I know for at least the past week, I haven’t been all that impressed with our selection.  I’ve just been reaching in the bottom of the bowl and using whatever I pick up.  I haven’t been properly stoned in at least 5 days.  This shit is amateur hour. But, it’s better than nothing to take the edge off. 

My hand shakes as I bring that guy’s lighter to the end of my cigarette, but it stops as soon as the taste of menthol enters my mouth. My lungs open up, clouding with thick smoke and a sudden calm washes over me. My eyes close on their own as the head rush takes over. It's not as good as I’ll feel when these pills kick in, but it'll do for right now.

Thora’s arms come around my waist and I roll my head over to look at her. She looks like she's worried about me. I have been a little quiet today, and there's no good explanation I can give her. She just thinks I'm not feeling well.

I'm not.

"You okay?" Her lips poke out in a pout as she rests her chin on my arm. She can't see the bruise on my shoulder under my long sleeve shirt, but it hurts. I think it happened carrying the blonde from the front seat to the warehouse. It was hard to maneuver him from the way he was sitting in the car to draping him over my shoulder. I must have bumped up against the car door or something because now I have a huge bruise.

Trying not to flinch, my arm comes around her shoulder and I pull her closer to me. "Fine." For the most part that's true. I do feel better holding her, I just don’t know long this reprieve will last.

"Let's go for a walk." She grabs my hand and I follow behind her. 

My lips start to turn up into a smirk and Thora turns to me and smiles. I feel a little twinge of guilt because she thinks my look is about her.  Honestly, I’m thinking about the fact that her campus is crawling with people that I could party with. If Ivar were here right now, we'd have a fucking field day. There are so many bored people around just looking to have fun. We could have our pick of them and show them the best time. There no telling some of the shit we could get to if we just let our imaginations run wild.

As the leaves crunch under my feet, I watch the way Thora kicks them with each step she takes. She's so graceful and childlike; she's going to make the perfect mother for my children. This hobby is just that, a hobby. I don’t understand how Ivar can doubt my decision.  Watching the impish way Thora moves, the concerned way she stares, the careful way she worries about me, I know that when this over it'll work out with us. She's exactly the transition I need from this phase of life to my next one.

She loves me and I think I love her. At least that's what I tell myself all the time. I love that I'm going to marry her and that she's going to raise my children. I love that she's so innocent and that she knows that I won't hurt her. I love the way she needs me. That means I love her, right? It doesn't matter really. I will love the life that I'm supposed to have with her.

Her hand grips mine tighter as we approach the people standing in the middle of the quad. Something is off. They're all huddled around one guy, hanging on his every word, whispering to each other, shrugging, and offering sympathy every now and again. Thora's arms wrap around mine and her head leans on my shoulder like she's feeling their pain. "His boyfriend didn't come home last night," she says quietly to me.

I look from her worried blue eyes to the blue-green eyes of the dark-haired man standing there. His red-rimmed eyes are swollen from crying and yet look sunken in on his pale face.  The look of terror in his eyes is reminiscent of the way Thora looks when she talks about Ivar. He's petrified and for some reason, my stomach starts to drop because of it.

The toe of my Doc Marten creates a small hole in the ground as I twist my foot to extinguish the cigarette. I can't stop staring as Thora moves to stand in front of the tall, brunette. She must know him.  Looking at her face, I can tell she’s feeling his pain.  It's enough to make me want to hurt him so he can stop hurting her. 

"Kalf, still no word?"

Fresh tears spring to Kalf’s eyes when he shakes his head. "We fought last night.” He uses his entire hand to wipe the tears running down his face, “A few people said they saw him dancing at Danger, but then he just disappeared.”  His voice starts to crack with each word as his fear starts to get the better of him, “We fight all the time, but he always comes home. He hasn't called or anything. Erlendur always calls."

"Maybe he just needs time to get his head together." My voice comes out soft and unsure. I don't even know why I spoke. 

When Thora's teary eyes turn in my turn in my direction, my throat starts to close.

Erlendur. This Erlendur is the guy from last night, he has to be. He was the one at Danger. He was the one that talked about his boyfriend with Ivar as we walked to the car. 

Shit! His name was Erlendur. He wasn't just the blonde tramp that we met at a club, but a kid; a college student with a boyfriend and friends, including my girl. He had a real-life like he was a real person. Why the fuck did he have to be real? He was just supposed to be a good time, not a person with a life outside of that moment.

By the time I open my eyes and steady myself on my feet, Thora's arms are around me again. I can't stand to be around her right now. Those innocent blue eyes are tearing into me at a level like I've never known before. Thora is hurting and it's because of me. She's worried about her friend because of something I did. I'm supposed to be the one to protect her and I've done just the opposite. 

Kalf's concerned eyes for Erlendur are exactly how Thora's eyes cloud over with concern for me. "Hvitserk? Are you alright?"

My head shakes as I try to keep myself from throwing up. "I don't feel so hot. I'm gonna take off." I offer her a smile to keep her calm, but she doesn't seem to be convinced by it. Her forehead is warm on my lips and her body is soft in my arms, but this is all I can give her right now. The guilt is like molten lava creeping up my neck. I know my cheeks are turning red and the pounded in my head lets me know right away that this isn't going to end well. "I'll call you later." 

Turning to Kalf, I stuff my hands in my pockets and refuse to meet his eyes. "I hope your friend turns up soon."

I barely manage to get around the building before I bend at the waist and try to catch my breath. I hate to hyperventilate. My hands rest on the top of my thighs as I try to control my breathing. I'm almost gulping in the air but it isn't helping. The only thing it's doing is making my throat burn and my lungs feel like they're going to explode. 

"Fucking, Erlendur. Motherfucker." Muffled curses pour from my lips, while I stumble my way to the car door. The wheezing in my chest doesn't stop, but it slows when I focus my attention on the fact that that fucker had a fucking name. 

I don't give a fuck about him or what we did to him. It does bother me though that the people he left behind are worried. They have no idea how we partied with him. They don't know that my face was the last one he saw before he stopped breathing altogether. Would Thora cry if she knew that Ivar beat him and skinned parts of his body? Would she be devastated if she knew that his skull was probably cracked when I slammed his head on the table repeatedly? Would it break her heart to know that we set him on fire and stood around to watch his body burn?

I can't hurt Thora. She needs me and I did this to her. I can't handle knowing that.

I don't know how I make it home, but when I look up, I'm already barefoot and climbing the stairs. 

I feel sick, shaky... confused. I don't know what to do. The only thing I can do is open Ivar's door and close it quietly behind me. He's taking a nap, but he must have heard me come in because his head rises from his pillow right before he pulls back his covers. 

My movements are slow, but I manage to make it to his bed and tuck myself in close to him. "Erlendur. His fucking name was Erlendur." My voice cracks while I try to catch my breath. "He was real, Ivar. He had a name and a life and friends, and…"

"Shhhh, baby.  It's alright." His voice is a gentle whisper and his safe arms wrap protectively around me. He lovingly rubs my back while rocking me softly, "I'm here, Serk."

Nodding my head against his chest, I feel the tears slip from my eyes. "Make it better." This is where I need to be. “Hold me tight.”  I just need to be in his arms and let him protect me as only he can. "Promise me you won’t let me go."

His warm lips kiss the tears falling from the corner of my eye before he presses them to my forehead, “Never,” I feel him whisper against my skin.  

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Thank you darling!! aaa I know all too well how you feel T_T Please take courage! It can be really scary, but I hope you get comfortable with saying ‘no’ when you mean it!

I mostly went with “people pushing work onto MC” because that’s what I face the most, but I understand that avoiding confrontation happens in many other situations! Be sure to read under the cut for the rest of the characters!

Zen: 

Zen’s always been your number 1 fan, supporting you and your dreams! So when he sees you baking a mountain of cupcakes he smiles and is glad that you found a new hobby.

“What’s the occasion, babe?” He wraps an arm around your waist from behind. There really were so many... and you looked dead tired on your feet...

“Oh, they’re for my friend’s son’s 5th birthday party. She’s too busy to bake anything, so she asked me to help her out.” You smile, but it’s a weak, tired attempt.

“That’s very nice of you. You’re friends with the little boy?”

“I haven’t met him, no. She’ll come pick these up tomorrow, though, so at least I don’t have to deliver them!”

Zen frowns. “Wait, you’re not even going to the party?” Well, he understands that going to a toddler’s party might not be exactly what you want to do, but your friend should at least invite you over for food and a cup of coffee, if you’re baking her cupcakes for free.

You laugh, “No. Don’t worry, babe, this is nothing.”

“It’s not nothing,” your boyfriend retorts, “You’re tired and she’s not even giving you anything in return. Here, I’ll help you with the cupcakes... but you shouldn’t let her walk all over you. Okay?”

You’re grateful for Zen’s help, but you can sense he’s a little angry - not at you, of course, but for you. As you two bake, he’s giving you exercises so that you can say ‘no’, until you’re both so tired that they spiral down to silly things instead.

When your friend comes over the next day to pick up the cupcakes, he answers the door and gives her a million dollar smile. “MC worked really hard on these, so I hope your boy likes them. It’s the next best thing to having his own mother bake them. Anyway, you can drop off the thank you card and wine tomorrow.”

The friend is flustered, and makes like a tree as soon as she can, but she doesn’t bother you as much anymore. And hopefully, you become more confident as well, cherishing your work and valuing your mental and physical health.

Yoosung:

Your friend keeps asking you for favours to help them finish their work. It’s hard to say no to a friend...

Yoosung completely understands... Though he may not have been in your exact position before, he hates group projects for this reason.

Usually one person does the majority of the work - that used to be him in high school, but in college he’s been leaching off of others. Neither position felt good.

You vent to him at home, frustrated at how much of your time is taken up by your friend’s demands. And yes, you agreed to help them, but that doesn’t mean you’re happy to do it... You just didn’t want to refuse.

Cuddling, he listens to every word you say, and tries to think of a way he can help you. Since he’s gone through the same sort of transition, maybe you could try imitating him...?

“MC,” he murmurs after a while, “Remember when Zen asked me to help him develop his character for a play? And I asked him to pay me...”

You snort as you think back to those couple of days. Their friendship always brought them to funny places. “Yeah, how could I forget?”

“You should try doing that! Asking for things in return, I mean. If you don’t want to do something, then don’t... But if you end up doing it, you shouldn’t do it for free. I promise it’ll make you feel better.”

“But they’re my friends, I can’t just ask them to pay me-”

“Why not? Friends help each other out, but they don’t abuse each other, either... Even Zen agreed to pay me, because he knew it was asking for a lot. If they’re really your friend, they’ll want to help you out in return, too.”

You sigh. “Yeah... you’re right. I’ll try that, maybe.” You weren’t sure if you were shameless enough to ask for something outright, but maybe it would make declining the request altogether easier.

Jaehee: 

You were supposed to get out of work early today, since you had some over-hours piled up, and you planned to use this time to cook a romantic dinner for you and your girlfriend later that day.

“MC, you can’t leave yet,” your boss told you - and when you explained you were cashing in your over-hours she shook her head, “We need you to start working on the project for next month. Come on.”

And so you caved. Not only did you not leave early... you left work late today again (adding to your over-time). You’ve been texting Jaehee throughout the day, so she knew you were coming home late.

Still, by the time you come back, you’re dead tired and practically crying from frustration at yourself because you didn’t have the guts to say no, and now your relaxing day with your girlfriend slipped through your fingers.

You open the door, and Jaehee, noticing how tired you look, embraces you. “I’m sorry,” you groan, “I can’t believe I got caught up late again...”

“I know, I know. It’s okay, MC.” Jaehee has been there - working for Jumin meant work cutting into her personal life on a daily basis. She understands how hard it can be to say no to your boss, and though she hates that you’re going through this, of course she doesn’t blame you.

She encourages you to vent, and you talk about everything on your mind as she combs her fingers through your hair, until you’ve calmed down a bit. When you’ve said everything but the feeling of frustration still hasn’t left, the both of you start name-calling your boss to let off some steam, until it gets so silly that you both start laughing.

“She’s such a potato-face.” “A used tissue.” “Smudge on the window.” “Melted ice cube-” “Smelly sock!” “Boiled eggshell!”

Jaehee pulls out her phone and books two tickets for that movie you’ve been wanting to see in the cinema for a while now, but you didn’t have time. 

“MC,” your girlfriend shows you the electronic tickets, “Tomorrow you’ll cash in your overtime hours, and if your boss says anything, you’ll show her this and say I have non-refundable tickets, I have to leave now. Okay?”

You smile and lean up to kiss her thank-you. “It’s a date.”

Jumin:

Jumin’s been trained to be diplomatic all his life tbh, so he knows exactly how to decline something politely and firmly. His self-confidence also makes people not question his decisions, so they don’t bug him (usually) after he tells them ‘no’ once.

It doesn’t even occur to him that you might not have the same skills, so he assumes you just enjoy helping people with absolutely everything! Which isn’t a bad thing, but your colleagues keep asking you to do more and more of their work, and it’s really starting to pile up...

When your boyfriend finds you buried in a pile of work one day, stressed to the point of crying, his heart breaks. “MC? What’s wrong?” He sits down next to you and takes your hand into his.

“Ugh, nothing. It’s just that I guess I bit off more than I can chew... I wish I hadn’t agreed to help my friends with so many things.” You tell Jumin everything that’s been pushed onto you and how close all the deadlines are, and though you’re a sobbing mess, he’s as collected as always.

“It’ll be okay, MC. We’ll work this out, I promise.” He comforts you for a moment, and when you’re feeling calmer he distributes your work between some of C&R’s employees RIP them so that everything can be finished on time. You protest at first, but that seems to be the only way to get everything done now...

“From now on, please don’t let people tell you what to do. You’re doing your work - you don’t have to do any more than that if you don’t want to. Not to this breaking point, okay?”

“But they’re my friends, I can’t say no if they need my h-”

“Yes, you can. I’ll tell them no if you’re hesitant. But don’t put your own wellbeing below their comfort.” Jumin states firmly and you nod, embracing him. You feel bad enough that Jumin’s employees had to clean up your mess, so you try your best not to get into this situation again.

He believes the best way to help you with this is to develop your self-confidence more so that you feel more comfortable declining requests. Jumin showers you in compliments, and practices asking you ridiculous things so that you can say ‘no’.

Saeyoung:

He’s upset when he finds out people are using you. You’re such a kind person, it’s awful to take advantage of that! Not to mention, you have enough on your plate as is, without your friends begging you to help them, too...

As long as he isn’t absolutely drowning in work, Saeyoung takes some of yours off of you. He insists he’s always wanted to write an essay about the ethical implications of toothpaste factories. Though you know that’s just an excuse so you don’t feel bad about him helping you out, it makes you laugh anyway.

Saeyoung does a decent job writing your friend’s essay, but it’s definitely not A+ material, considering his ridiculous examples and casual writing style.

He encourages you to do your friend’s work badly - “Then maybe they’ll stop asking you for stuff all the time!”

“Saeyoung! I can’t do that-”

“Why not?”

He shrugs. “Why should you do their work for them? It’s good to help your friends out, but if they keep using you for stuff without thanks, you should reconsider if they’re the types of friends you need around you.”

“Besides,” he adds, “It was their gamble to rely on you! They can’t very well complain about you to the teacher, or else everyone will know they didn’t do the work themselves.”

That’s definitely advice, though you feel a bit iffy about it anyway.

Saeyoung is willing to help you in whatever way he can, either like this or by hacking into the university server to move the deadline.

In the end, the best he can do is encourage you to look out for yourself more. “They don’t owe you anything. You don’t have to do what they say, okay?”

He insists on helping you practice saying ‘no’ - to his kisses! It’s silly and ends with a tickle fight, but he hopes it gives you more courage to stand your ground in the future.

Jihyun:

You were waiting in line to take an individual oral exam [for university/an outside course], and it was really disorganised... Everyone kept pushing in front of you, “I’m so tired!” “I just want to go home!” “I’m going in next!”

You didn’t have the guts to dispute anyone, even though you were also tired and wanted to go home, and you’ve been standing here for the better part of two hours.

You were one of the last people to take the exam, and so you left very late, it was already dark... You call Jihyun on your way home.

“MC! How was the exam?” your boyfriend asks.

“It was fine,” you sigh, “I’m just so tired... I was supposed to leave at least an hour ago, but it’s already so late... I’m sorry. It was such a mess and everyone kept butting in before me, ugh.”

“I’m sorry to hear that... But you’re almost home, right? I’ll give you a massage when you’re back. You can relax now, honey.”

Your mood doesn’t go from sour to good so quickly, since you were still exhausted, but you’re feeling significantly better after hearing Jihyun’s gentle voice over the phone. It’s even better when you come home to your boyfriend’s warm embrace.

Cuddling on the couch is one of the best ways to feel better. You vent your frustrations some more, and Jihyun listens to your every feeling, smoothing your hair in comfort as he does so.

He knows exactly where you’re coming from, he’s been victim to these sorts of thoughts as well. He avoids confrontation unless he absolutely has to speak up, but over the past two years he’s started looking out for himself some more. He wishes you could do the same...

“You don’t exist to make everyone’s life easier, MC,” Jihyun whispers, “You exist for yourself, and no one else. When you’re kind, it takes courage to set your foot down, I know. But I can’t stand seeing you used by others so much. Please... look out for yourself. And I’ll do whatever I can to help you, too. Okay? Please remember that... MC...”

Saeran:

After leaving Mint Eye and regaining free will, Saeran takes so much pleasure in saying ‘no’ to things - something he’s never been able to do before.

From things like “I don’t want to watch this movie” to “No, today I’m spending a day for myself only”, the freedom is so liberating. It was hard to get out of his habit of doing what people told him at the beginning, but he manages to break through that learned behaviour daily.

So Saeran understands where you’re coming from. But he also encourages you the most to take control of your life and to try saying ‘no’ - he knows himself how important that is (and how difficult).

“You’re free to do whatever you want,” Saeran encourages you in the same way you encouraged him when he was healing.

One day, you’re sitting on the couch, cuddling together and your phone dings, you sigh as you read the message from a colleague of yours who asks for help far too often - ‘MC, could you create the powerpoint for my meeting tomorrow?’

“What is it?” Saeran asks, and you angle the phone towards him so he can see the message. 

He frowns and snatches your phone from you. “Saeran!” You grab his arm to try and get it back, but pushes you back (gently!) and he holds your phone up and out of your reach as he types something.

 You hear the sound of the message being sent, and he returns you your phone. ‘I’m busy. I can’t help you.’ the message says. You feel anxiety swell up, you’d never wrote something like that! But it feels good, too… You really didn’t want to cut your day off short to do someone else’s work. 

“It’s not your problem. That’s not your work. Your friend should do this herself. Relax, MC…” Saeran comforts you, and then turns a little pouty, “Besides, you promised you’ll spend the entire day with me.” 

From then on, you try to imitate this message when people ask you to do something, but when it gets too much you can always sheepishly hand your phone to your boyfriend and he’ll send it for you.