“We have to have a baby, like right now. Like, yesterday.” You blurt out as you suddenly burst into Kirishima’s room. He’s laying on his bed, clad only in tight sweatpants and socked feet, one thick arm behind his head, the other holding up a phone that looks comically small in his grip. His eyebrows furrow at your proclaim, and he’s instantly shutting off his phone and sitting up in bed as he reaches out for you.

“Huh? Now?” Kiri asks, pure confusion on his face as he sits on the side of the bed to let you stand between thick thighs. “I mean, I love the baby making process and all, but why so sudden?”

He rubs at your thighs from your stand, grinning, as he thinks about the different positions he’s been putting you in lately. You bat at his chest, chuckling, before you crawl into his lap and wrap your arms tight around his neck.

“I just saw a cute video of a baby giggling, and I’m ovulating, and started crying because it was so cute and I just started thinking about having our own baby and how cute they’d be and—“

“Slow down!” Kiri laughs at you, pulling you in tight and squeezing you against him. You can feel his laughter vibrating through his strong chest, and it calms your rapid heartbeat, makes you melt against the man you love most in the world.

“If you’re serious, we should talk about it more, but I mean, I’m down if you are. Baby giggles are the best.” Kiri whispers into your hair, smiling, thinking on a chunky little baby with black hair and red eyes and your smile and all those cute little rolls he knows he’s gonna have to powder down. He thinks it’s worth it to have one, especially if they’re gonna be a product of you two.

Hi, I have a question re:sex and Christianity. Small background: I still go to church, and I still live with my parents even though I'm not much younger than you, because housing is very very expensive where I live (pretty common here, I would say about 2/3 of my friends live with their parents and we are decently privileged kids)

Anyway. How does one get over purity culture? To be clear, I've never been told in church not to have sex, I've never gotten the gendered lessons that you got. But I am terrified of having sex. My first real, multi-year relationship just ended and while there was hand stuff etc, there was never any p in v sex (lol I feel 12). But I still had insane anxiety about being pregnant despite being on bc. And I think its because I know my parents would be so disappointed if I had sex. And if I was pregnant I could imagine all the gossip. And honestly I think im from a pretty open church, b/c one of our previous ministers kids recently got married at 8 months pregnant and lots of church people were at the wedding and supportive and her parents were there and everything.

I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???

(Asking because it seems like you've been pretty open about purity culture/removing yourself from it)

CW for sex talk (again)

How does one get over purity culture?

Oh man. That really is the million-dollar question, huh? Obviously, I can only answer re my personal experiences, and this is something you should talk to a therapist about, but I can tell you how I’ve tackled it with my therapist at least.

Purity culture is, at its core, an ideology that is perpetuated by shame. If you’re indoctrinated into purity culture when you’re a kid, the concepts become baked into the way you construct your identity, your perception of self, and your perception of your sexuality. It’s practically intrinsic, by the time you’re an adult, to feel shame any time you’re reminded you have a body, much less a sexuality.

According to the chapels I sat through every week as a kid, a girl's body could be 3 things: an intentional stumbling block for men, an accidental stumbling block for men, or unnoticeable. Women were to strive for the third option so as to keep their (and their male friends/authority figures) purity intact. After all, if a boy, or even your male teacher, had impure thoughts about you, it was your fault for tempting them (which, holy shit. I still can’t believe that was a thing I bought into for so long. If my 45 yr old grown-ass teacher had impure thoughts because he could see my 12 yr old collarbone, that sure as hell wasn’t my fault. But I digress.) The Only time a woman’s body can be something else, is when she gives it to her husband, at which point she must suddenly flip the switch in her brain that she is now allowed to be a Sexual Being and she must perform Sexual Duties despite living in outright fear of her own body and sexuality for years (decades?) up until this point. Jesus take the wheel.

Purity culture isn’t a thing you can just decide to walk away from if you’ve grown up in it. Because its ideology is insidious and internalized. So first you need to submit to the fact that you’re going to be fucked up about sex. It sounds like you’re there. Second, you need to interrogate what you believe. If you’re leaving religion behind entirely, you’ll approach removing yourself from purity culture differently than if you still identify as a Christian. It sounds like you might be the latter, which meant, for me, separating what’s actually biblical and what’s shitty, contrived, doctrine that I was told is biblical but is actually more political than spiritual. This helps you address the shame issue.

You need to throw away I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Lady in Waiting and all those ridiculous books you read and reread in the hopes of somehow obtaining impossible marriage perfection and look into actual scripture interpreted within its historical context. I could write a book on this, but the TL;DR is that the text of the Bible was written, translated, curated, and changed multiple times over thousands of years by human beings with human biases and, often, personal and/or political agendas. It contradicts itself! Reading it as it is—a flawed historical document—rather than some sort of God-breathed perfect document—is incredibly freeing. When you do, you’ll probably realize that purity culture is bullshit on a spiritual level. Which is a good start, if that matters to you. Because any time you start to feel shame or guilt you can ask yourself: does God actually care if I wear a bikini or touch a dick I’m not married to? Probably not. Wear the bikini. Touch the dick.

The most important therapy session for me was when my therapist asked what I would do if I got to heaven and God was actually the God I’d been raised to fear. What would I do if he condemned me for being bisexual and having premarital sex and becoming educated, for arguing with men, and failing to isolate while menstruating, and wearing mixed fabrics? If Montero had come out at the point, I probably would have said I’d pole dance down to hell. Instead, I said I would spit on heaven’s gates. If a god that cruel and that pointlessly demeaning really exists—a god who would create in me condemned desire—I won't worship him. The good news is, I’m 99% sure he doesn’t exist. At the very least, he isn’t supported by scripture.

Okay. The final thing you need to do is figure out what you actually want, sexually speaking. This bit is probably the hardest. I’m still in the early stages of this myself. You say: “I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???” Bro, I wish I had an easy answer for you. For me, whenever I’m feeling anxious about Sex Things, I tell myself: 1. My God does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 2. My partner does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 3. I do not equate my worth to my sexual habits. It seems silly, but reminding myself of those three things is massively helpful. If, after I’ve sorted through those, I’m still anxious or uncomfortable, I stop doing the thing. I evaluate. Am I overwhelmed and I need to try again some other time? Do I just not like the thing? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. Sometimes you change your mind. Sometimes you just don’t know. That’s why having a partner who you trust and who’s willing to patiently explore your interests (and respect your disinterests) is so important. Half the battle, for me, was having a partner who told me they’d be ok with no sex at all. Because that took the pressure off me. If the bare minimum they need is nothing, then anything more than that is a bonus! Hooray! This is maybe TMI, but let me tell you. I thought I was asexual* right up until I was able to have moderately non-anxious sex. Never in my life did I think I would initiate a sexual situation but… I do now. It’s a fun thing to do with a person I love and, holy shit. I am furious that I nearly missed out on it.

Finally, re birth control: I don’t know how you can approach that fear in a way that works for you. If you don’t want to ever have penetrative sex, that’s fine! If that’s a point of anxiety you can’t get rid of, then don't push yourself to do it. If you find out you like other sex things, do the other sex things! If you don't like doing any sex things, don't do any sex things! Also, have you considered sleeping with people who can’t get you pregnant? Always an option if it’s an option you want to consider. ;)

Okay. I hope this was even a little bit helpful. Sorry if it’s a little convoluted, I typed it up in bursts during my work breaks.

*This is not at all to say that asexuality can be “fixed." Rather, it’s to say that things like purity culture can drastically confuse your sexuality in general. If you’re asexual, then this process is still important to discover what you like/dislike. Then you can be explicit about those necesities and find a partner who’s a good fit (if you want a partner at all, that is).

The Owl House and pacing, a perspective from a fanfic writer that works with a large cast

I’ve seen a bunch of complains about the way The Owl House is paced lately. People claiming that it’s bad writing, and rushed, and whatnot. But from how I see it, you’re complaining for all the wrong reasons, and to the wrong people.

TL;DR: this is an overlaying issue with Disney and the industry that doesn’t allow long shows anymore, essentially forcing writers to pick between good pacing and complex stories being told with large casts.

For context: the fandom I wrote for before I got into The Owl House had a pretty small main cast. There were a few reoccurring characters, but most of them only showed up like five total times over the course of four seasons or had little personality, so my main cast I was writing about always consisted of my main five characters, with occasional cameos here and there. All characters were living together and experienced the adventure from the same perspective. There was one overarching storyline and not multiple. The interpersonal relationships still varied, though, for obvious reasons.

Now think about how large The Owl House cast is, and why that’d send them running into issues. Or don’t, because I have a whole-ass in depth analysis under the cut because this got unreasonably long.

(Also I’d appreciate a reblog, I spent… an unreasonable amount of time on this, lol)

The Owl House is different. There’s the main characters: Luz, Eda, King, maybe Hooty, technically (someone recently pointed out that he’s technically the titular character of the show and I’m still processing that, lol).

But they also have a HUGE additional cast to work with. There’s Lilith, Eda’s sister, and the main antagonist of season one, who has a lot to her character and gets a ton of screen time. There’s Amity, and there’s Willow and Gus, Luz’s friends. They’re all very fleshed out characters, and got a bunch of screen time and development, despite “only” being reoccurring characters and not the main characters.

Then there’s characters that have played a fairly minor role so far. There’s Belos, the big bad villain, who we will likely learn a lot more about this season. There’s the Golden Guard, the new main antagonist our cast deals with personally, who we’re just starting to learn more about. There’s Camila, Luz’s mom, who, despite only showing up a couple of times in the show so far, is very relevant to Luz and how the plot will ultimately turn out. There’s Edric and Emira, Amity’s siblings, who despite only showing up a few times as well seem to have a very worked out personality and background and also have a story that is (at least to some extent) going to be told according to the AMA.

There is at least one more seemingly important character whose role in the bigger story is hard to tell at this point, Raine, but according to the description of the episode, they’re probably going to influence the story a bunch.

There’s Alador and Odalia, who are responsible for a lot of their children’s toxic behaviors, and seem to have bigger plans that will probably be relevant later on.

The characters that are only focused on for an episode or two (like Matt and the troublemaker kids) all have very worked out personalities and even short arcs.

And heck, even characters like Boscha, who is extremely minor and seems like a very one-dimensional bully for the most part, get their moments that hint at there being more to them. We know Boscha has a clingy mom, that apparently has a rivalry with Odalia and works with Amity’s parents. The scene at the beginning of Wing It Like Witches tells us a lot about her general mindset and how she’s embraced that winning at whatever cost is the only thing that matters.

This leaves us with: 3-4 main characters

3 friends with fleshed out stories

Lilith, who is probably the most relevant aside from the main cast

Belos, the main antagonist, and the Golden Guard, currently starting to become a lot more relevant

A whole handful of minor reoccurring characters that have the potential to become bigger characters at any point in time

A handful of minor reoccurring characters that mainly seem to be there to further the story, but still get to have distinctive personalities and motivations (looking p.e. at the troublemaker kids)

That is AT LEAST 9 pretty major, relevant characters whose stories have to be tackled in the same show, in addition to the people that joined in season two and a huge supporting cast of well-developed characters that clearly also have stories of their own, even if not all of them will get told.

On top of that, the Owl House lives from exploring different relationships and different storylines. There’s the overarching story of how flawed the system is that will likely end with them overthrowing Belos, but there’s so much more.

Eda and the curse. Eda becoming a better mentor for Luz. Eda coming to terms with the loss of her magic.

Luz learning to cast magic with glyphs. Making friends for the first time. Slowly falling in love with Amity. Fighting to be able to learn whatever kind of magic she wants to. Learning that she’s not a burden to people. Struggling with her relationship with her mom, and trying to restore the portal so she can get back to her. Figuring out her future and what she really wants.

Lilith trying to cure Eda, and now in season two coming to terms with the loss of her magic and fixing her relationship with her sister. Lilith learning to ask for help.

Willow switching tracks. Willow growing more confident.

Amity becoming a better person, fixing her relationship with Willow, standing up to her parents, falling in love with Luz. Starting to fix her relationship with her siblings.

King finding out where he came from.

Hints at Gus struggling with decision making and stressing himself out less. Gus learning to be more selfless. Struggling with his magic track and being the youngest in his grade.

The newly introduced plot point with the Golden Guard. The plot point about the rebellion that will get introduced next episode.

The mystery with the letters.

And I’m like 90% sure I’ve forgotten something.

That is… a lot of different plots and relationships that are in some way important to the story.

In comparison, as stated, the last show I wrote for focused mostly on the same five characters and their relationships with each other, and one overarching plotline aside from some minor interpersonal relationships with two people’s family members that weren’t even introduced for several seasons. The first season fully focused on establishing the bond within this found family with exactly 1 important reoccurring character, an antagonist that had little personality and got a total of one line of backstory before he died.

If you have 90% of a season to develop 5 characters who live together, that’s a lot easier to do than developing twice the amount of important characters + introducing reoccurring characters season one of The Owl House has—the majority of which have separate lives and do not live together and thus can’t be focused on at the same time.

I’ve seen a bunch of people complain recently that the pacing of The Owl House is off, that the writing is bad, that the show is rushed, etc. etc.

And I get those complains. Believe me, as a viewer and also as an author that takes a lot of time to develop each character and their issues individually, I 100% get it.

But as an author that’s currently learning how hard it is to tackle a cast of the size that The Owl House has, I’ve also come to a whole different understanding from the perspective of the writers on the show.

For context, Locked Out focuses on a couple of serious themes, in the same way that the show does. It has 4 main plotlines: Amity Camila and Luz, Edric and Emira, Eda and Lilith, Willow and the Grudgby Squad (as well as a Gus arc that ties into the last one while also being its own thing, we’re getting to that part). So far, it prominently features: Luz, Amity, Camila, Eda, Emira, Edric, Willow and Gus, and to a lesser extent King, Lilith and Boscha, Skara and Amelia in relation to the separate plots.

That’s eight main characters across five different households. And then there’s the reoccurring characters that will have a larger role later on that I’ve not even had the opportunity to bring into the story yet/feature in a more prominent way. The cast is still growing.

And heck, I have all the time in the world to write this thing, because I don’t have an episode limit, or a deadline, or a limited amount of money to produce it.

For Locked Out, it took me 120k to get through a single week of plot at a very high level of character development, with about as many important characters as TOH has in season 1, and with an equally high number of reoccurring characters, some minor, some major. I think you can compare it to the show pretty well. I’d say, if I were to split Locked Out into episodes, I’d set one episode at about 10k. That would be 12 episodes. 12 episodes to get through a single week. Heck, even if I said 20k words were to be one episode, which I’m pretty sure is too much realistically, that would still be 6 episodes for one week.

And TOH covers more than three months.

That would be at least 72 total episodes to get through the three months of summer camp. And we’re currently progressing past that point.

72 episodes.

Let that sit for a while o.o

Everything that’s happened in season one (which as we know now was about 2 months) would have happened in 48 episodes rather than 19. Pacing-wise, everything would happen at less than 0.5x the speed. The first four episodes of season two would’ve been 24 episodes, assuming we hadn’t skipped a week and a half and had instead shown the immediate aftermath of the petrification ceremony, too.

And I’d love if we could have that, and if we could actually develop the characters and their relationships that thoroughly.

But the sad fact is that shows like The Owl House do not get the amount of episodes that would be required to develop every single aspect of the show to its fullest potential. Disney rarely greenlits shows of 150 episodes anymore. They used to, once, (Phineas&Ferb for example had 130+ episodes—you could tell one hell of a story in that many episodes), but that’s not a thing anymore. And the writers know that going into a show. They know the chances their story will be told in that way are very low.

And thus, the writers, especially ones working with large casts, have to make a choice: cut characters they love, and plots that are important to them, because they know they won’t get the amount of episodes required to do everything perfectly, OR include most of what they want to do, but at the cost of the pacing being off and everything seemingly happening too fast.

The Owl House crew went with the second option. The biggest issue the show has isn’t bad writing. The show’s biggest issue is that its cast and the story the crew members want to tell are too big for the amount of episodes they’ve been given (especially now that Disney decided to cut season 3 down into just three 44 minute specials).

And that’s on Disney, and Disney alone.

The crew is making the most of the amount of episodes they have, and unfortunately the lack of time forces them to rush things, and to sometimes sideline characters to focus on others.

Lilith got a bunch of screen time in the first four episodes. I’m sad to see her go, but she’s basically guaranteed to be back by season 2B. And there’s other people that have gotten way less focus than her so far. We‘ve seen basically nothing of Willow and Gus for the first few episodes, and I’m super happy Gus finally got some focus! We haven’t been inside Hexside all season except to see Luz expelled! And episode seven is even going to introduce a new character. Sometimes there’s parts of the story that certain characters don’t have a place in. And it sucks if they’re characters you like. But Lilith has to go for a bit so other characters can get the same amount of spotlight she did. At the end of the day, Lilith is not part of the main cast. She’s a very important reoccurring character, yes, but so are Amity, Willow and Gus. The main characters are Eda, Luz and King, and they’re the only ones that will always be around. And heck, even Eda got sidelined for a bit in the last two episodes, because we needed to focus on other characters. If not even the main characters are always around because we need some spotlight time for other characters, you can’t expect any more minor reoccurring cast member to be.

God, I wish they’d be given more time and more episodes to bring every part of the plot to its full potential, but they don’t have those, so they sometimes have to take shortcuts that unfortunately cheapen the story here and there. It’s the only way they can hope to tell their story to the end at all. And that makes me hella sad because it’s so obvious that they have an incredible story to tell, and that there’s so much more to so many of the characters we just don’t have the time to focus on.

The thing is: I liked the episode with Gwendolyn. It sends an important message that will hopefully get some parents who watch with their children thinking, and I’ve seen a couple of people talk about how close to home it hit for them. I have also seen a couple of people complain about that being too fast—and also just in general about things in the show getting sorted out too fast. And I get it. At least with this particular episode, I 100% get it.

(I’ve also seen some people complain that “Amity stood up to her parents too fast in Escaping Expulsion”, but I vehemently disagree with that. We’ve been building towards that moment since season one, with her doing more and more things that were technically defying her parents. I don’t see how this was rushed.)

Just… please don’t blame the writers. Dana even said that Keeping Up A-Fearances is one of the episodes that hit very close to home for her in the recent stream iirc? So I highly doubt this was rushed on purpose, or because the whole thing is “bad writing” when the entire writing quality of the show says otherwise.

A lot of shows in general have the issue that they have to be written season by season rather than as a full story these days, because there’s always a chance that they won’t get a next season. How large scale the story they want to tell actually is doesn’t matter if there’s a solid chance they won’t get to do any of it.

From a viewer perspective, I get being frustrated at the pacing being off. But from a writer perspective, the chances are very high that this is a choice they had to make, rather than one they wanted to make. And I don’t think you can truly see this if you’ve never worked with a fleshed out cast that large—Locked Out was really eye-opening for me in that regard.

This isn’t simply a case of bad writing/bad pacing by choice. It’s forced. They’re forced to rush through their plots because otherwise they won’t get the chance to tell certain parts of the story at all. And the saddest thing about this is really that those 72+ episodes to flesh out these plot points further wouldn’t have been an impossible thing to get, at a time.

Go for Disney’s head. Yell at the industry for being what it is today, for constantly axing shows before even giving them a real chance. But this isn’t on the crew.

PLEASE DROP A PT 2 OF PRAYERS FOR THE PLUMBER

Prayers for the Plumber Part Two

You can find part one here

I hope you enjoy this one! And I might just have a part three in mind...

It had been a full day since the Hayes clan had descended upon Meredith house. Thankfully, the kids had gotten along well enough and there hadn’t been any issues with them. Bailey had been basking in the fact that there were more boys in the house that he could talk to.

With Irene and Cormac both at work, Meredith was currently keeping an eye on all five of the kids not that Cormac’s son really needed adult supervision. The two of them were set up in the living room finishing off their homework whilst her own kids were in the back garden playing. Relishing in the calm and quiet, Meredith had sat herself down on the dining table with her paperwork and tablet, fuelled by a large mug of coffee she was sure would see at least three refills before her work was done.

She’d lost herself reading a research paper when someone had cleared their throat. Jumping a little she looked up to see Liam and Austin standing by the table, sheepish looks on both of their faces.

“Sorry, Dr Grey,” Austin murmured.

She shook her head smiling at them, “Don’t worry about it, I should have been paying more attention. And I thought I told you both to call me Meredith.” It was odd having two kids who were living with her call her Dr Grey, she wanted them to feel comfortable around the house. “Is everything okay?

Meredith couldn’t help but be slightly concerned. Cormac had often spoken about how independent his kids now were. They liked doing their own thing, didn’t need anyone to keep an eye on them and were fairly self-sufficient. So, hackles were raised when they had decided to come over to her.

“Uh, yeah. Actually, we were wondering if we could talk to you…” Austin began to trail off, feeling slightly awkward and stupid that he should even ask her.

When Cormac had first brought up the like of Dr Grey at home, the boys were immediately curious. They didn’t take a whole load of interest in Cormac’s colleagues but they knew that he didn’t really speak to a lot of them when they were in Switzerland. He wasn’t particularly close to anyone but Dr Grey was something that he couldn’t seem to stop mentioning. The boys were pretty sure that Cormac didn’t even realise how much he brought her up in conversation.

So, after the second week of hearing about her, Austin and Liam had decided to do some snooping online. Typing in the words Meredith Grey came up with multiple articles on the woman that the boys were pretty sure was the one their Dad didn’t stop going on about. She was successful and obviously busy so Austin felt like an idiot for disturbing her.

“Yeah, sure. Pull up a chair,” she nodded to the two seats on one side of her.

Feeling a little relief wash over them, the boys took a seat, glad that Meredith hadn’t just turned them away.

“Da said that you lost your husband a couple of years ago.” Liam hadn’t been quite sure how to bring this topic up and couldn’t help but feel slightly guilty at the mention of it. He had seen the way his dad got when their mom was mentioned.

A sad smile crossed Meredith face, “Yeah, it’s been around six years now.”

Before Liam could carry on, Austin interrupted. “Sorry, we didn’t mean to bring it up.”

“No, no. It’s okay, did you guys want to ask something?”

The ache of losing Derek had never completely left her. There were days where it hit her like a tsunami wave, where it took every ounce of her strength to get through the day when her kids were the only reason that she was able to survive. Today, that ache wasn’t all-consuming. There were two kids in front of her that had lost their mother, they’d watched her die. So, if they had questions they wanted to ask, or just wanted to talk to her about it then she could be there for them.

“Have you dated someone since then?” Austin looked down at his hands as he asked.

That wasn’t the question that Meredith had been expecting but she still answered. “I have but it took some time. Dating other people… it’s never once meant that I stopped loving Derek. He’s always with me.”

Austin slowly nodded as she spoke. It was the answer that he had wanted to hear. Abigail had told both Liam and Austin to make sure that their dad eventually moved on when the time was right. At the time, they’d agreed, wanting to do anything their mother had wanted them to do. They’d also spoken about to their aunt. Irene had been worried that Cormac would end up spending the rest of his days lonely, especially as the boys got older and went to college. They’d all come to the conclusion that within the next year they were going to get him on a dating app.

The reality of it was different though. Cormac hadn’t been with anyone since Abi had passed away. He hadn’t shown interest in anyone, so their mother’s final wish had been pushed to the back of their mind. Until recently when the boys could tell that the mere mention of a certain General Surgeon was enough to change his demeanour.

They knew, in their heart of hearts, that their dad would never stop loving Abigail. They saw the way he still looked over the old photo albums, a softness taking over his eyes. They heard the way he spoke about her like she was still the breath of fresh air in his life. Hearing it from someone else though, someone who had lost the person they were meant to spend the rest of their life with, gave both of the boys a little more comfort.

“Could I ask you something else?”

“Sure,” Meredith had pushed her work to the side, giving the boys her full attention.

Austin looked out of the kitchen window, glancing at the three kids playing out there. It had only then struck him how young they must have been when their dad had passed away. He wondered how many memories of him were actually solidified in their mind.

“How did you kids take it? I’m sorry if I’m being nosey but…”

“But you want to know and that’s understandable. You aren’t being nosey.” Meredith sighed, thinking back to the first time she had told them. “Zola’s the only one who really remembers Derek. Bailey was too young, and I only found out I was having Ellis after he had passed away. Zola was the one who found it hardest to get her head around, it took a lot of reassuring that no one was ever going to replace her dad. I wouldn’t ever want that but my kids… sometimes I think they’re smarter than me.” She laughed, they were Derek’s kids, alright. “They want me to be happy, Ellis wants me to find my second Prince Charming but it’s not always going to be straightforward. For them or for me.”

“We think dad wants to date!” Liam suddenly blurted out.

His brother quickly jabbed him in the ribs, making him wince. “What? It’s true!”

“Oh,” Meredith was a little shocked. The past couple of months, she had thought there was something going on between them. Neither of them had outwardly mentioned it, of course, but she had honestly thought that there had been something there. Meredith quickly schooled her face into a neutral expression.

“Would that be okay with the two of you? Because I’m sure your dad wouldn’t want to do anything that would make you both uncomfortable.” Meredith couldn’t help it, but half of her mind was on the conversation and the other half was trying to figure out who the hell Cormac was considering dating.

The boys looked at each other. They’d had their own conversations about it when Cormac had been at work, or after one of his long conversations about Meredith. They hadn’t liked the idea at first, hated it if they were honest. But over time they’d realised that this is exactly what their dad needed and what their mom had wanted. Plus, they were pretty sure that if he started to dare someone then that should have less time to yell at them. They smiled; both having come to the same conclusion.

“I think after talking to you about it, we’d be pretty cool with him dating.”

Ok now that I have time/space to breathe again, I wanted to do a writeup on the unusual reaction I had to the second Covid vaccine dose. I debated posting this, because I don't want to go against the "I was vaccinated and it's fine!" encouragement train. And I 1000% encourage EVERYONE to get vaccinated if possible. But I have not seen much documentation of the averse symptom I got, except in some case studies I specifically looked up so details below. Big TMI/gross warning however. 

Mostly I'm posting this because I had to do SO much self-advocating/arguing with the Dr at my urgent care clinic, and if you're not as read up on weird medical issues as I am, you might not be comfortable doing that. But IANAD, just describing my experience and what I read, which ended up being very long because it was awful and I have a lot to complain about I guess, sorry.

Basically: for me the vaccine triggered an inflammation response, which in itself is normal. The usual muscle aches/joint pain/slight fever. It also triggered an outbreak of ulcers in my soft tissues. Basically, a bunch of canker sores in my mouth/throat. I am already prone to getting these when I get sick or stressed out, so no biggie, annoying and painful but I could handle them. Canker sores are distinct from cold sores in that they form inside the mouth as crater spots, usually around the size of a pencil eraser (though can be bigger or smaller), and will develop a white film across the crater as they develop and start to heal.

An unfortunate fact I have learned: the mouth is not the only exposed “soft tissue” of the body. this group also includes genitals.

So 2 days after the vaccine I noticed a "burning sensation"/rawness downstairs, which turned into a sharp pain, especially when going to the bathroom. I obviously knew this was abnormal and because of what was happening in my mouth, had a pretty firm idea of what was happening, but was ready to brace myself through the healing process. However by day 5 I had 8 red, crater-like sores on the tissue of my vulva. Essentially they are open wounds, and urine is an acid, so you can imagine the hell that using the bathroom had become. Even just sitting hurt.

As someone healthcare-averse, even I knew this was untenable, and went to Urgent Care for the first time in my adult life. I told the NP what was going on, how they matched the canker sores (NOT cold sores) in my mouth in onset/form--and she immediately, without even looking, diagnosed me with herpes.

Lots of people have herpes or other STIs, and that's fine. I know I do not have any, and wanted to pursue treatment for what I was sure they were--Non-sexually acquired genital ulceration (NSGU). I had even found three case studies of COVID patients who had developed them. I had spent several harrowing hours on google images making sure that the sores I had did not match any STI I may have magically acquired during a year of social distancing. I even brought up multiple case studies, including a woman who had them as a Covid reaction in a neighboring state. Didn’t matter. She looked at them and went “Yikes! Herpes!” and prescribed me: 

1) an antiviral, which I said I did not think would do anything because the trigger for this was a vaccine not an illness. She said it was probably a herpes flare up already in my system. I reiterated that I have had similar sores in my mouth since childhood and that all my past doctors and dentists agreed it was not viral but something related to an immune response. She said the antivirals should clear them up in a few days.

2) a topical 5% lidocaine ointment, aka an oral grade numbing gel, which was essentially what I was after anyway.

I would have preferred a steroid course to the antiviral, but agreed to start taking them until she got the results of the bloodwork I needed to come in the next day for. I asked how many days after taking them I would expect to see a difference/if she would reevaluate treatment if they didn’t have an effect in a certain amount of time, and she said if they hadn’t cleared up by Monday then she’d look into other causes (spoiler, they did nothing in that 4 day span). to her credit, when she saw me pick up my bike helmet (because my car had been at the mechanic for a month by then), she was properly horrified that i was having to bike everywhere with this situation and printed off some coupons/called all the prescriptions into the grocery store pharmacy next door instead of the CVS my insurance likes a mile away.

So eventually I got home and took my pill & went to put on the ointment so I could use the bathroom for the first time in 8 hours. I’ll spare you the details but suffice to say I had an extremely, overwhelmingly painful 10 minutes of application. Like absolutely awful burning feeling. However once that faded, I was indeed actually numb, and so I figured it was worth it. Got my bloodwork done on Friday (biking there & home again). On Saturday, I thought that you know, maybe a prescription anesthetic shouldn’t be doing that or at least have some sort of warning? And read the details on the jar.

Good things about lidocaine: it is a powerful numbing agent and lasts pretty well for an hour or two.

Bad things about lidocaine: you cannot get oral grade lidocaine without added mint flavoring.

I happen to be EXTREMELY sensitive to mint. Like I still can’t handle breath mints or mouthwash, and used bubblegum flavored toothpaste until I was 14 and found a brand with half as much mint flavoring as is typical. Even if you’re not, mint has no business being anywhere near genital tissue. Even on an average person that could cause awful burning. to make a long saga shorter I had a very frustrating back-and-forth with urgent care involving many rerouted phone trees, visit in person, unhelpful receptionists, and attempts to find over-the-counter alternatives. All were fruitless so I just  suffered all weekend until the urgent care Nurse Practitioner called me back on Monday and was suitably apologetic/outraged about the mint thing, and looked up every OTC product that might work as a substitute, since she couldn’t find any prescription level without mint. On Tuesday she called back again having found this:

It’s 4%, so just below prescription strength, while not oral grade, it’s actually fine for soft tissues as long as not fully ingested/internally applied. And most importantly, ABSOLUTELY NO ADDED FLAVORINGS. there is also a spray version that comes in a bottle, which under no circumstances should you try because it uses alcohol as a propellant and I had a very bad 5 minutes after testing that one. But the cream one is fine and brings blessed numbness in around 5 minutes with only minimal contact pain--they are still open wounds after all. 

I use this for the next 7 days. By this point the sores have gotten worse and larger, and then started to heal and shrink again. Mouth canker sores go through a similar ~2 week process, so this is about what I expected.

Finally the results of my bloodwork came back, and I was negative for all STIs. The NP was dumbfounded and apologized, and agreed to look up more information/treatment options for cases like this in the future. I’m not surprised her reaction was to assume herpes as it IS very common, but I’m sure other women experience NSGU’s and receive improper treatment. If you look them up, they’re even mentioned as being predominantly a problem for “young or prepubescent women” which, reading between the lines--it’s not that these become less likely if you’re older or sexually active. Doctors just make assumptions and don’t always look past the easy answers.

So if you or someone you know ends up with these--from the Covid vaccine or as a complication of upper respiratory infections in general (as they ARE an immune response and can just Happen to you)--here is what works as treatment. If you can see a doctor you trust, still do that. But if they don’t listen or if for some reason you can’t seek treatment, here is the course of action I recommend: 

Pick up that over-the-counter Pain Relief+Lidocaine NON MINTY numbing cream ASAP. Sores go from “annoying” to “excruciating” in only 3 days, so it’s best to get in person or with rush shipping. Sit in front of a mirror and gently apply with a q-tip, and wait 5 minutes for the medicine to take effect.

Pat gently dry with toilet paper, don’t make wiping motions. If you don’t feel clean enough, pat more with a wet washcloth and rinse it out, or hope in the shoer for 5 min just to rinse.

There may be pus or reside from the ointment that doesn’t go away with just rinsing. Every 2 days I made a half-strength bath of epsom salts, NUMBED FULLY, and then took a 10 minute bath to fully cleanse the area. the salt will sting terribly if you wait any longer, so I recommend standing and rinsing after this time.

The vulva is more exposed to air than the mouth. this may cause the sores to crack/bleed as they dry out. to avoid this, after using the restroom and cleaning yourself, you can apply a thick coating of Aquaphor on top of the sores. It will need to be rinsed off before you apply more numbing cream however, so if that is too many steps I recommend just using the Aquaphor overnight.

You may think its ok to get up in the middle of the night to pee without the numbing cream bc you have to go really bad and just once will be fine but it is NOT you will REGRET IT.

Unfortunately if you have sores on both sides you may develop what is known as “kissing sores”, aka sores directly opposite each other that touch when the area is not spread open. this means that after an extended period of time (overnight), the sores will try to heal into each other and opening the area back up painfully rips the tissue apart. INStEAD of ripping them apart, take a washclosh, run it under warm water, and do a hot/warm compress on the area. this will loosen the sores back up and separate them painlessly.

This is not exclusive to people with a vulva, they can also happen on scrotal/anal tissue. However it does seem to much more frequently affect people with typical XX sex organs. 

If you develop these, PLEASE fill out an averse reaction form or your country’s equivalent. Also, I’m so sorry and if you need emotional support or have questions please feel free to get in touch.

Most likely, these will not happen to you--the vast majority of vaccinated people have not had this as a side effect. But it IS popping up more and more, and it is good to know about it in advance so you can be prepared to deal with and treat it without as much anxiety and all the hoops I had to jump through to get good care. Overall I’m still glad to be vaccinated, but if I had known this was a side effect, as someone already prone to canker sores I would have waited to vaccinate until my car was fixed a week later a the very least :|

Rose Bushes

Three: Lo-Fi

Word Count: 9.3K+

Author’s Note: For this chapter, a few things vary from the episode. I do apologise for not posting it yesterday, but what can you do? Perhaps one of my favourite things to write, ever, if I’m honest, so tell me what you think!

Warning: discussion of murder and terrorism.

More chapters can be found here. [updated weekly]

--

The man visited by ecstasies and visions, who takes dreams for realities, is an enthusiast. The man who supports his madness with murder is a fanatic. – Voltaire

Behavioral Analysis Unit, FBI Academy. Quantico, Virginia.

To lose sleep over anything less than frightful is a waste of time was something Agent Clarkson had come to live by. She had learned it in life and in her line of work: if something truly couldn’t wait, if the consequences of delay were too terrible to imagine, get it done; but never lose sleep over smaller issues. In a world filled with serial killers, rapists, paedophiles and so many other horrible people and things, Clarkson vowed to never keep herself up at night and let anxiety win over her mind. She had mentioned this to Dr Reid and Agent Prentiss a few times after cases; when the rest of the team came in weary and still reeling from the tolls of a case, Clarkson always had energy. She would get the most paperwork done, offer to buy coffee, even go for a run on her lunch break.

So when Hotch called the team in early for a new case, one that came direct to him, the team were surprised to see the usually well-rested Clarkson sporting dark circles under her eyes: it might have been the first time any of them had seen her in a state that wasn’t perfection. 

Clarkson noticed the eyes on her, of course, but said nothing, straightening her back and falling in step beside Prentiss as they walked towards the meeting room, the older woman having taken their new recruit under her wing for field training purposes. The pair got on quite well, both private people when it came to their personal lives, and it gave Prentiss the opportunity to ask the question their fellow teammates were curious of as they headed to meet Hotch.

“You ok, Clarkson? You look like you haven’t slept.” Prentiss asked quickly, the younger agent looking to her side, registering the concern on Prentiss’ face before flashing a weak smile.

“I didn’t.” She responded, leaving it they entered, Hotch stood by the monitor re-watching a clip of a man being shot.

“Don’t get comfortable, there’ll be time to debrief on the plane.” Hotch spoke up, not even turning around as the team entered, all eyes focusing on the monitor.

“Where are we headed?” Reid asked, his brow furrowing as, again, the clip of the man being shot played.

“New York.”

“Five shootings in two weeks, it’s about time we got the call.” Rossi commented, and Hotch finally turned to face the team.

“I want to bring Garcia with us. Hopefully, they’ll give us access to their surveillance systems.”

“What do we know?” Prentiss asked, averting her eyes from the screen to look at Hotch. He seemed more invested than usual, more on edge.

“All the killings are mid-day. Single gunshot to the head with a .22.”

“Any witnesses?” JJ asked, the last to enter the room, stood just behind Clarkson.

“No.” Hotch sighed as he spoke, letting the emotion slip through only briefly.

“.22-caliber pistol is only 152 decibels. New York streets and subways are routinely well over 100. It could be people aren’t even registering the gunshot until the unsub’s already leaving the scene.” Reid suggested, his hands shoved in his pockets, bouncing on the balls of his feet slightly.

“They sound like mob hits.” Morgan proposed.

“Except none of them have ties to organised crime.” Hotch shot it down quickly.

“Do they have any connection to each other?” Prentiss asked.

“None they’ve found.”

“How about communication with the police?” Morgan asked, and Clarkson took a step towards the screen, examining it a little closer. “Has the unsub tried to make contact?”

“Surveillance cameras have captured video of three of the murders. This is the latest.” Hotch explained, gesturing to the screen.

“This is the best image they have?” Clarkson asked, not looking back at the team, watching it replay over again. Her eyes narrowed, struck with a small inkling of déjà vu, though she couldn’t pinpoint why.

“They’re all the same.” Hotch clicked again, two more videos coming onto the screen, and the team watched the previous two murders play out. “He wears a hood and keeps his head down.”

“This guy’s bold. Crowded areas, broad daylight.” Prentiss shook her head as she profiled, and Clarkson looked back at her, heading back to her side.

“So they’re completely random?” Rossi double checked, the doctor in front of him letting out a small sigh.

“Son of Sam all over again…” Reid commented, and Hotch walked past the team and towards the door.

“Wheels up in ten. JJ, call NYPD, tell them we’ll be there before noon.” He instructed, the team moving into action. Go-bags were collected, coffees poured and drank, and Garcia joined the rest of the team ask they walked from the runway tarmac into the jet, taking seat on comfy leather couches and chairs, Clarkson headed straight for the coffee decanter at the back of the plane before she sat.

“You don’t drink coffee.” Reid stated, looking over at Clarkson as she poured sugar into the hot beverage, skipping out on the creamer. She took a sip, grimacing at the taste before sitting across Reid.

“Caffeine is caffeine.” She replied, taking another sip, her blinks last longer than usual. It wasn’t normal for any of them to see the Ice Queen, as Morgan had dubbed her, so out of it. In the five months they had worked with her, not once had she been any sort of fatigued.

“How come I only get to travel with you guys once every two years?” Garcia asked as she entered the jet, her eyes scanning over the fine upholstery and expensive oak finishing.

“Trust me, mama, it can get old.” Morgan spoke up from behind her, raising an eyebrow as Clarkson let out a yawn.

“Oh, right, like the way that spa treatments in 5-star hotels can get old.” Garcia rolled her eyes, Morgan handing over her bag he had been kind enough to carry before settling himself on the couch beside Prentiss.

“Remember the time we got on board and they hadn’t chilled the Cristal?” Prentiss smirked, and Morgan played along, keeping his face as serious as he could.

“Ooh, I almost quit the BAU that day.” He replied, sending a pearly white smile to Garcia, who set down her bags and knitting needles.

“Ok, you know what? You guys can joke all you want because I am never getting off this plane.” She said with excitement, moving past Morgan to explore the plane further. Hotch and Rossi soon entered the plane, both examining files as they sat beside Reid and Clarkson, Rossi beside the doctor and Hotch the new recruit.

“So, the victims?” Rossi asked, looking up from the photos of five dead New Yorkers to Hotch.

“Each killed in a completely different neighbourhood.” Hotch clarified. “Hell’s kitchen, Murray Hill, Lower East Side, Chinatown, East Harlem.”

“It doesn’t make any sense.” Reid had pulled out his own copy of the reports, flicking through them with speed. “There’s no common victimology, no sexual component, no robbery, no geographical connection. Do the police have any leads?” He asked.

“He’s killing roughly every two days. The press is having a field day, and it sounds like the mood on the street’s getting pretty edgy.” Hotch informed, and Rossi glanced back down, sifting through the photos once more.

“It’s a joint FBI-NYPD task force?” He questioned, and Hotch nodded.

“Kate Joyner heads up the New York field office. She’s running point on the case and called me directly.” Hotch said, and as he did, Clarkson made her first move in minutes, looking up from the coffee she had been nursing and over to Hotch.

“Joyner?” She asked, and the younger members of the team glanced over at her. They still knew so little about their new colleague; it came as no surprise she had mystery contacts within the FBI.

“She is starting to butt heads with the lead detectives and wanted a fresh set of eyes.” Hotch explained, glancing at his watch and then past Rossi to JJ, who had been quietly sat by herself, eyes watching out the window. “JJ, could you tell them we’re ready to go?” Hotch asked of the blonde, who snapped from her daze and nodded, heading through to the cockpit.

“Isn’t Joyner a Brit?” Morgan asked.

“Dual citizenship.” Clarkson responded. “Her father is British, mother American.”

“She was a big deal at Scotland Yard before coming to the bureau.” Hotch added, and he glanced over to Clarkson, frowning as she finished the last of her coffee with a gulp.

“I heard she can be a little bit of a pain in the ass.” Morgan’s comment wasn’t meant to offend, more concern for the welfare of the team, the worry their work would be hindered by this elusive woman both Clarkson and Hotch seemed to know well.

“I didn’t think so… We liaised when she was still a Scotland Yard. I think we’re lucky to have her.” Hotch nodded, his confidence in Joyner easing the rest of the team. As the pilot requested seats be taken and seatbelts be worn, Clarkson let out another yawn, muttering an apology as she scanned over her file. Once again, that strange inkling of déjà vu came over her.

It was mid flight that Morgan became agitated with Clarkson’s constant attempt to wake herself up, the heavy blinks and multiple trips for coffee pulling him away from enjoying his newest CD. He nudges Prentiss with his leg, indicating she should talk to the new recruit, but Prentiss ignored him, urging the man to do it himself.

“Clarkson.” He got her attention, and the attention of the rest of the team, before continuing. “What’s with the coffee?” He asked, and the young woman smiled weakly. “Why didn’t you sleep last night?”

“It’s nothing.” She assured, but Hotch and Rossi were now aware of the coffee, and knew she was on her fifth cup.

“Y/N, if something’s bothering you, we can discuss it.” Hotch offered, but his agent shook her head.

“I just…” She paused, wondering if she should confess to the reasons behind her lack of sleep. “I was at a funeral yesterday evening. An old friend died, couldn’t sleep right afterwards.” She admitted, and Hotch placed a comforting hand on her shoulder.

“If you need time-”

“I’m good, thank you. I think I’ve had enough coffee to keep me going for days now.” Clarkson assured Hotch, her eyes glancing over at Morgan, who now looked a little guilty for being so blunt with her.

“Anyone I would know?” Hotch asked again, and Clarkson paused, setting down her mug and swapping it for a case file.

“Do you remember Collins? Just slightly taller than me, redhead? I think he was trying to pull of a goatee last time he’d have met you.” She tried to jog Hotch’s memory, and the team lead nodded, a sad smile forming on his face.

“You’ll need to tell Joyner when we land.” He remarked, and Clarkson nodded, the conversation ending there, and leaving the rest of the team to wonder just how the three agents knew one another before the BAU.

--

FBI Field Office. New York City, New York.

Kate Joyner was, among other things, undeniably British. Her accent in the FBI field office stuck out like a sore thumb amongst New York and East Coast Americans, and with the NYPD now having to run point through the Brit, tensions were high. She sounded too posh, too wealthy, too regal to be caring about some serial killer in New York, the entire police force felt it. And, as the BAU finally reached the FBI New York Field Office, a few of the team were feeling the same way.

Not a moment passed the elevator doors, Agent Joyner had begun conversation, Morgan physically flinching at the voice that came out of the woman as she told her assistant to hold a call; it had caught him off guard. Meanwhile, other members of the team, mainly Garcia and JJ, couldn’t help but notice how much she looked like Hotch’s ex-wife Haley, and ponder whether the liaising was something more.

“Kate.” Hotch held out a hand as the team followed him into the offices, Kate shaking it briefly.

“Aaron. How have you been?” Joyner asked, her eyes set on the team lead.

“Well, thank you. This is my team.” Hotch said quickly, deciding to ignore the looks some of his teammates were sharing at his interaction with Joyner. “Kate Joyner, this is David Rossi, Emily Prentiss, Jennifer Jareau, Penelope Garcia, Derek Morgan, Spencer Reid, and I am awar you’ve met Y/N Clarkson before.” Hotch quickly introduced, Clarkson and Joyner shaking hands and briefly flashing a smile towards one another.

“It’s how the emotionally detached hug.” Garcia whispered to Emily softly, the brunette having to stop a laugh from escaping.

“Thanks for being here. Anything that you need, just tell me.” Joyner assured. “Please don’t stand on protocol.”

“What can you tell us about the city’s surveillance system?” Garcia asked from the rear of the group, garnering Joyner’s attention, who took in the blonde’s green theme, from the glasses to the shoes, before answering.

“It’s run by NYPD. Still in its infant stages, it’s been rather controversial. American privacy laws.” Joyner added the side remark, and Morgan’s eyebrow raised. “Um, but they’ve had some success.”

“And I’ll have complete access?” Garcia asked again, and Joyner cracked a half-smile.

“They’re already expecting you. Shelley?” Joyner called on her assistant to guide Garcia to her new base of operations, the blonde complimenting the woman’s shoes and skirt as they walked out of earshot.

“I’d like to get a map of the borough.” Reid spoke up, the group’s famed geographic profiler moving straight past any further pleasantries as two men walked in from the same door Garcia left through. “I want to do a comprehensive geographical profile of the area in order to ascertain the unsub’s mental map before it’s clouded by our own linkage blindness.”

“I see you brough your own computer.” The stockier of the two men who entered commented, and Joyner cleared her throat.

“Detectives Brustin and Cooper.” She said quickly. “I’ll let you do the introductions.”

“You caught the first shooting?” Rossi asked, remembering the names from one of the case files.

“They’ve all been in different precincts.” Cooper corrected. “It wasn’t until the third murder that anyone even made the connection.”

“I guess this is where we play nice and ask what you need.” Brustin said with a roll of the eyes, clearly not happy that the BAU had been called in at all.

“I’ll let you all figure out what that is.” Joyner let out a small laugh. “I just ask that you run everything back through me, it’s been my experience that having one butt on the line is enough.” Brustin scoffed at her words, and it caused a few wide-eyed stares from the BAU.

“Yes, ma’am.” Brustin and Morgan shared a glance, and Joyner took a step closer to Hotch.

“Can I have a word with you in private?” She asked, and Hotch nodded to the team before disappearing into Joyner’s office with the Brit.

“They liaised when she was at Scotland Yard.” Emily muttered to JJ, who couldn’t help the smile on her face. She turned to the detectives, holding out a hand. “Emily Prentiss.” She shook both their hands quickly. “Dave Rossi, Jennifer Jareau, Derek Morgan, Y/N Clarkson and Dr Spencer Reid is over there.” She made the introductions Joyner had no time for, Brustin grunting in response.

“Brustin, I would really like to have a look over any witness statements you might have.” Clarkson spoke up after hands were shaken. “Where would I find them?” She asked, and Brustin took a second to look her over.

“Why?” He asked, and Clarkson kept a level head.

“Anything witnesses have, at all, helps us build a profile.” She urged, the cop finally giving in, scribbling down something on a notepad.

“My login details for the system, you’ll find everything you need in that folder.” He explained, and Clarkson nodded, excusing herself from the rest of the group to begin her work for the morning. The team splintered after that, Spencer joining Emily and Detective Cooper to the left of the office, looking through a box of case files, only distracted when the doctor spoke up.

“Hey, so, uh, what’s your partner’s problem?” Reid asked flat out, never a master of social cues or phrasing.

“Uh, well…” Cooper sighed, looking back at Brustin, who stood chatting with Rossi and Morgan. “Well, by the fourth murder the FBI was brought in. Good. We can use all the help we can get. But, uh, all of a sudden she’s taking meetings with the mayor and calling in you all without us knowing anything about it.” Cooper explains quickly, keeping his voice low so as to not be overheard.

“We’re only here to help. Think of us as a resource.” Emily reassured him, and Cooper nodded along.

“Ok. Profile me.” Cooper egged her on. “What and I thinking?” He asked, and Prentiss smirked.

“It’s never gonna happen.” She laughed, the detective’s face forming into a frown.

“No offense, but we’ve had five murders, hope it gets better than that.” Cooper was passive aggressive in his insult, leaving a look of shock on Prentiss’ face and a small smile of Reid’s before heading towards the exit.

“Detective Cooper?” Clarkson called to him, the officer jogging over to the desk she had settled herself at. “Could you tell me about these reports? We have one unsub but I’m reading descriptions of at least three different men…”

“No one ever got clear sight of him. First witness we talked to was sure he was black, then the murder comes along and he’s Filipino, someone said Mexican, Asian.” Cooper explained with a sigh, and Clarkson nodded.

“Thank you anyway.” She ended their conversation, the detective continuing his way out the building. The lack of similarities in witness accounts had given the Agent an uneasy feeling, but she didn’t dwell on it long, Hotch exiting Joyner’s office giving Clarkson a chance to say a proper hello to the former colleague. She closed down the files, having taken down all the notes she required in her notebook, tucking it into the pocket of her blazer before heading in to speak with Kate. “I hope you don’t mind the intrusion, Agent Joyner.” She spoke as she entered the room, and Kate smiled from her desk.

“Not at all. I didn’t realise you had joined the BAU.” Joyner commented, gesturing for Clarkson to take a seat across from her.

“Coming on five months now.” Clarkson nodded, glancing out at the team, Rossi, Morgan and Prentiss now heading out the door with Brustin, no doubt to the most recent crime scene.

“You look like shit.” Joyner smirked, gesturing to the bags under Clarkson’s eyes, and the younger agent nodded.

“It’s what I wanted to talk with you about. Collins is dead.” Clarkson said quickly, Kate’s smirk dropping immediately. “The funeral was last night. I thought you would want to know; he worked with you at Scotland Yard for a time, did he not?”

“He did… I had no idea he was even in the States.” Joyner let out a breath, sitting back in her chair, shocked. Clarkson nodded softly.

“He moved to Delaware a few years ago… I thought you might want to know.” Clarkson stood up, before Joyner could lengthen their conversation any more she excused herself back to the bullpen, pulling up a board and beginning to write out witness statements regarding the unsub, hoping to see a connection in any area that might narrow the team’s search.

“Clarkson…” Hotch said softly behind Clarkson’s shoulder, looking over what she had written out so far. “Get Reid’s eyes on this too. I want you to take it easy today, stay in the office, work with Spencer of geography.” He instructed, the young woman scoffing lighting at his words.

“Hotch, I’m fine.”

“That’s an order, Clarkson.” He reiterated, his counterpart averting her eyes and nodding, waiting until Hotch had left the room to breathe, her actions catching the eye of the young doctor, who moved to stand a little closer to her.

“Did you learn British shorthand from Joyner?” He asked softly, Clarkson’s eyes shooting up to study her colleague, the lanky mop haired man scanning over the witness reports before them.

“What are you talking about?”

“You use Gregg instead of Pitman.” Reid pointed to the notebook she had pulled out of her pocket once more. Clarkson looked over at Reid, who gave her an innocent smile, and her eyes narrowed.

“No, I didn’t learn it from Joyner.” She answered his question simply, walking over to the maps he had posted on a board like her own, focusing on hit spots. “Anything you’ve noticed in the geographic profile?” She asked, the doctor returning to her side after a few minutes of examining witness statements.

“Every murder is in a different area of the city, but the hits are random.” Spencer sighed. “All I can be sure of is that, with this pattern, they won’t strike in these areas again, which just leaves the rest of the city.”

“Right. I’ll have another look at victims just in case we’ve missed something…” Clarkson decided, taking a few steps back from the boards and looking them over once again. Reid watched her do so, his brow furrowing as Clarkson’s frown deepened.

“What is it?” He asked, and Clarkson shook her head, her arms folding across her chest as she continued to stare. The feeling at the back of her mind, that she had felt at BAU headquarters, had felt on the jet, it was back and stronger this time.

“I feel like I’ve seen this all before… Done it all before. It’s too similar.” She muttered, but with no further evidence to back up the nagging voice in her head, she turned and took a seat at a computer once more, pulling up victim files and beginning to jot down information into her notebook once more.

--

As the first day of the BAU’s involvement on the ground in New York came to a close, and with another citizen dead, the team congregated for dinner at the FBI field office, though Rossi couldn’t help but notice the absence of a team member. While Hotch sat down with JJ, Reid, Morgan, Garcia, and Prentiss for takeout, Rossi’s eyes scanned the room and frowned, Clarkson nowhere in sight. He excused himself momentarily, warning Garcia to not touch his pasta, walking through the offices and glancing into every room on the floor.

Reid had seen Clarkson last, the pair making little progress on the geographical profile and witness reports that day, when she had told him she needed to do some more research on something. With this information, Rossi wasn’t surprised to find the BAU’s newest recruit curled up on a sofa in an unoccupied office, case files from the current murders and that of Son of Sam scattered around her, a laptop on the coffee table now displaying bubbles in its standby mode. The office was fully lit, with lighting so harsh to discourage sleep, but it seemed that Clarkson was too tired to be phased by it.

Rossi’s closing of the door is what finally woke the sleeping Agent, who sat up with a start, rubbing her face quickly to rid herself of sleep before looking over at her senior Agent, who stood by the door with his arms folded, wearing the expression of a parental figure.

“Clarkson, go and sleep.” He said softly, which led to Clarkson rising from the couch, collecting the files surrounding her and closing the laptop.

“Sir, I’m fine, really. I’ll leave when the team leaves. And with the new murder the geographic profile has changed and-” She insisted, walking for the door, but Rossi held out a hand to stop her.

“When was the last time you slept?” He asked, his voice still soft, gentle, concerned more than anything.

“Three nights ago…” Clarkson sighed, looking down through hazy vision at the files in her hands.

“You’re no good to the team this tired. Please, go to the hotel, sleep, come in tomorrow afternoon rested. You’ll be much more useful.” Rossi implored her, and Clarkson handed him the stack of files, causing the older man to smile. “Good. I’ll tell the team for you.” Rossi added, knowing if the new recruit headed into dinner with the team, she’d be talking unsub theories all night, regardless of sleep deprivation.

“Thank you, sir.” Clarkson said with a weak smile, fixing her blazer before heading towards the building’s exit, the team’s hotel on half a block away. She knew as she made her way over the road, taking the elevator to her hotel room, that Rossi had been looking out for her. The moment her head hit the pillow, she was out like a light, catching up on sleep she hadn’t been given in more than sixty-two hours.

Meanwhile, the team finished up their dinner, apologies for Clarkson’s absence made by Rossi, and they made their own ways back to the hotel around an hour or so later. Morgan had disappeared to drink, unhappy with Joyner and Hotch’s refusal of his idea to have the BAU on the express stops of the subway. Rossi bid the team a goodnight as they rounded the corner into the hotel lobby, Emily picking up a newspaper as they passed by.

“Look at this, the late edition doesn’t miss a beat.” She remarked, the tabloid’s front page labelled with the words ‘Execution Style’, a report of the most recent killing. Hotch, JJ and Reid glanced down at what she was referring to, the doctor being the first to look up and frown.

“JJ…” He said softly, causing the blonde to whip her head, her eyes landing on her boyfriend sat in the hotel lobby.

Will wasn’t supposed to be in New York. Will was supposed to be in New Orleans, waiting for JJ’s case to finish before they went crib shopping, not that anyone on the team knew that. It had been three months since she found out she was pregnant, she was now four months along and beginning to show, and the only person on the team who had noticed was Clarkson. In fact, the rest of the team just thought she was gaining a little bit of weight because she could.

“Will.” She said with a weak smile, walking over to kiss his cheek in greeting.

“Took a shot and flew to D.C., but that didn’t work out. I figured a train ride to New York was only a few more hours.” Will said softly, readjusting the bag slung over his shoulder.

“Detective.” Hotch held out a hand, Will shaking it quickly.

“I’m sorry for showing up like this. I know you’re working. But, um…” Will let out a soft sigh, turning his focus back to JJ. “I can’t stand you being on this case and me not being there. Not with what’s going on.” He admitted, Prentiss and Reid sharing looks of confusion. JJ shook her head slightly.

“Is there a problem?” Hotch asked, concerned, looking between the couple. Will couldn’t help a small smile forming, and JJ let out a slight laugh, turning to her other team members.

“I’m pregnant.” She finally said it, and Emily’s hands flew up to her mouth in shock, smiles forming on the girls’ faces. Spencer had to take an extra second to process the information as the girls embraced, and by the look of shock on Hotch’s face, he did too.

“Oh my God, JJ. Congratulations!” Emily pulled her friend into a hug, Hotch and Will shaking hands once more, in celebration instead of greeting.

“I’ve asked JJ to marry me.” Will added, the blonde letting out a scoff.

“Will.” JJ reprimanded him as she hugged Spencer.

“Well, we’re working out some kinks.”

“We’ll, uh, give you both some privacy.” Hotch said with a brief smile, not quite sure what to do with himself hearing this news, and he ushered Spencer and Prentiss away quickly, all headed for the elevators.

“Hotch…” JJ caught him as he left, and Hotch spun to look at her, hurt in his eyes.

“JJ, you could have told me.” He said softly, and it was the first time JJ felt like she had actually hurt the man she admired so much.

“I know…”

“I understand if you need to take some time-”

“No, I want to be here.” JJ cut in, nodding as she spoke, and Hotch smiled.

“Ok. 7am.” He instructed, following Reid and Prentiss into the elevator as JJ turned back to her partner, his last sight of his colleague before the doors closed and the lift shot up. Hotch exited a floor below the others, letting himself smile once he was alone, and walking along the corridor to his room.

“Hotch.” A voice called, and the team lead turned to see Rossi, his second in command, coming along the corridor from his own room. “Just to let you know that Clarkson is back with us tomorrow afternoon.”

“Afternoon?” Hotch asked, and Rossi sighed as his boss raised an eyebrow.

“She hasn’t slept in three days. It seemed like the best way to get her back on her feet, helping us properly.” Rossi tried to defend the action, though Hotch’s frown remained in place.

“It wasn’t your call to make…” Hotch reminded but took a pause before continuing. “I suppose I would have suggested the same thing… First Clarkson and Collins, now JJ’s pregnant-”

“JJ’s pregnant?” Rossi interrupted, and Hotch nodded.

“She told us downstairs.” Hotch explained, opening his room door. “You’ll need to catch Clarkson up on what she’s missed tomorrow when she comes in, alright?” Rossi nodded, turning on his heel to head back to his room. “And Rossi,” Hotch called. “Have a good night.”

“You too, Hotch.”

--

NYPD Headquarters. New York City, New York.

“Ok, let’s start with what we know.” Morgan and Prentiss had been asked to brief the NYPD of the profile, precinct captains from around the city gathered to collect the information, while Hotch briefed the FBI field office with Rossi, Reid and Agent Joyner. “With these unsubs, it’s not personal. It’s not about sex, it’s not about greed.”

“Which is why we think there’s something bigger at play here.” Emily continued on for Derek, leaned against a podium and stack of files, glad she had made sure to get some coffee that morning. “This isn’t random, there has to be a motive.”

“Now, our first theory is that we’re dealing with a team, and this is a spree to mask one intended victim. Think D.C snipers, that sort of thing. These men also left a death card at one of the crime scenes.” Morgan explained. That was the newest update the team had gotten; the latest kill the day before had opened a line of communication to the FBI-NYPD task force, a tarot card left by the body.

“We believed are unsubs have studied that case.” Emily explained. “They’re opening a line of communication.”

“Hold on, so now we got these guys playing games just ‘cause you’re here?” A cop asked, finding it hard to believe. By the looks of the room, so did a few more of the precinct heads. Brustin even let out a chuckle.

“We’re just saying the unsubs are sophisticated enough to study other crimes.” Prentiss corrected him, raising her chin slightly to look down her nose at him.

“That doesn’t answer the question.” Another cop remarked, prompting Detective Cooper to step in.

“Joe, easy. Hear ‘em out.” Cooper said with a shrug.

“Hey, I got requests for gun permits up 200% in my precinct. This whole city’s about to go off, and we all need to deal with that.” The cop, Joe, fought back.

“Hey,” Morgan spoke up before anyone else could. “Listen. You’re right. If the card was left because of us, then yes, they are playing games. But what that tells us is at least one of them has some intelligence.”

“And like I said, they know about other cases.” Emily chimed in. “He’s also studied the placement of the surveillance systems well enough to avoid detection.” She took a moment to gather the stack of files she had been leaning on into her hands. “Most teams have a dominant and submissive member. And the set time pattern and intelligence of these killers, at least one has a steady job.”

“We need you to canvas your precincts. Put every undercover you have on the streets. Look at businesses that open just after or close just before the time of the murders.” Morgan explained, and Emily began to distribute the files to each captain present. “Look at father-son relationships, close co-workers, that fit this dominant submissive profile.” Morgan moved a little further back, pointing to the file Emily held in her hand, a spare copy meant for Cooper and Brustin. “We have another working theory that this could be gang-related, a sort of initiation. These files contain all known gang members in Manhattan. Chinatown and Clinton, mostly. Keep an eye on them for suspicious behavior.”

“Like they said, we think there’s something bigger at play here.” Brustin reminded them. “So, talk to the people on your beats, see if something sparks, and pray this thing ain’t random. Thank you.” With that, the meeting room cleared out. Brustin and Cooper hung back with the two BAU agents, discussing the possible hits the city could face that day, when a tap came on the door, four pairs of eyes looking up at Agent Clarkson.

“Sorry I couldn’t be here sooner.” She apologised, walking into the room, receiving a smile from Prentiss, and a scoff from Brustin.

“So much for telling us you all cared, Morgan.” He muttered, excusing himself and Cooper; they were both needed on the streets. Once the door had closed, leaving the agents alone, Morgan’s face hardened, his nostrils flaring and his fists clenching.

“Where in the hell have you been, Clarkson? Do you really think we need a negligent agent right now?” He scolded, and Clarkson took a step back. “These guys barely trust us to begin with, and you miss briefings and all of last night because you were tired? You think that now you are a few months into the job you can start letting things slide?”

“Agent Morgan-” Clarkson began, but Morgan persisted.

“No, it’s not good enough. If you want to be a part of this team, you put in the same amount of work as everyone else. I’m sorry some old friend is dead, really, I am, but it doesn’t excuse your actions, Clarkson.”

“Derek, stop.” Prentiss finally intervened, stepping between her teammates, and looking between the pair: Morgan looked close to eruption, whereas Clarkson’s face held no expression at all.

“Do you know the profile?” Morgan asked after a moment, and Clarkson nodded.

“Garcia emailed it over. We’ve gone from one to two killers on a height inconsistency.” She double checked, and Prentiss nodded.

“We’re thinking a dominant and submissive team.”

“Are there enough cops to canvas the full city?” Clarkson asked again, and Morgan shook his head. “Well, shouldn’t we be out there then? The killings have all been near public transport stops, we could be stationed near major subway stops to-”

“I already suggested it. Joyner shot me down.” Morgan muttered, and Clarkson nodded, glancing out the window.

“Then I guess we’re heading back to the field office.” She said softly, Morgan leading the three of them down to the SUV. Prentiss trailed behind, the two women falling into step as they descended the stairs.

“You missed out on a lot last night.” Prentiss commented, smiling at the younger agent. “Unsub revelations, JJ is pregnant…”

“Oh, I knew that.” Clarkson shrugged, the pair getting into the car, Derek setting off for the field office.

“How did you know? When?” Prentiss asked, shocked, and Clarkson shrugged.

“Keri Durzmond case. She was agitated, switched to decaf coffee, I just sort of guessed.” Clarkson said with a sigh, and Prentiss looked back, her brows furrowing. Clarkson looked well-rested, sure, the bags under her eyes had disappaeared, her hair was back to its usual glossy shine, but the agent’s eyes were sad. Emily reached behind her seat as Morgan drove, placing her hand on Clarkson’s leg and giving it a squeeze.

“Are you alright?”

“I got some bad news from the Collins’ family.” She said with a sad smile, and Morgan looked back at her in the mirror. “The police have opened an investigation. Think his death involved foul play.”

“Oh, Y/N… I’m sorry.” Prentiss said softly, the younger agent shaking her head, sitting herself back up straight.

“It’s fine. Honest.” Clarkson assured, and before either Morgan or Prentiss could say anything more, the car had pulled up to the field office and Clarkson had darted out, heading up the stairs with a newfound energy to escape questioning from her colleagues.

As the three exited the elevator into the offices, Hotchner headed over to the phone in front of them, picking it up before a second ring. Prentiss and Morgan headed towards him, while Clarkson walked straight back to her witness report board, trying to find commonalities, looking for a team instead of a single killer now.

“Hotchner. Do he look like he could be one of our guys?” Hotch asked, Garcia on the other end of the line. A possible suspect had been spotted at 59th and Lex.

“What’s going on?” Morgan asked, and Hotch looked back at him as Joyner walked over from her office.

“We’ve got eyes on one of them. He’s on the subway platform at 59th and Lex.” Hotch said quickly, and Morgan cocked a brow. The night before, he had suggested the BAU were stationed at that very station, among others.

“59th? We could have been right there.” He said, targeting a glare at Joyner, the very woman who had refused to let the BAU help.

“He’s got a gun.” Garcia spoke through the phone once Hotch had put her on speaker. “He shot her.”

“Oh God…” An unfamiliar voice spoke up, no doubt the officer stationed at the surveillance command center with Garcia.

“Where the hell are the police?” Joyner muttered, beginning to pace, turning again to pick up a phone and send out a call to the police forces in the precinct. “This is Kate Joyner with the FBI. We have a murder suspect, subway platform 59th and Lex.”

“He’s getting away.” Garcia gave commentary of her camera view, watching their unsub flee the scene.

“Garcia, can you get eyes on him aboveground?” Rossi asked, the whole team now gathering around the phone.

“He’s headed west on 59th street.” Garcia responded.

“If he makes it to the park, we’ve lost him.” Joyner said, worry in her voice.

“We’ve lost the visual.” The secondary voice said once more.

“Are the police on the scene?” Rossi asked again.

“Negative.” Garcia spoke in a weak voice, and Morgan let out a sigh, his hands running over his face. The phone called ended, and Morgan took a second to pace, to try and diffuse his anger. IT wasn’t working.

“We could’ve had that guy.” He snapped at Joyner, who had leaned herself against a desk to support herself. It was a big blow: she had made a bad call.

“Even if we were on that platform, odds are he would have moved on to somewhere more isolated.” She reasoned.

“Maybe, but it was worth taking a shot.” Mrogan argued back.

“We had every available man on the street.”

“And I suggested to you that you use this team.”

“Second-guessing doesn’t do us any good right now.” Hotch interrupted.

“Hotch, how am I supposed to look these cops in the eye and tell them that we’re actually here to help them?” Morgan asked, and Clarkson and Reid shared a glance, neither quite knowing where Morgan’s anger had really come from: they had never seen him this angry on a case before, least of all at Hotch.

“We’re here to present a profile, that’s what we need to do.”

“I said to put us at express stops. 14th, 42nd, 59th, and that’s exactly where they hit!”

“It’s not your place to have this discussion.” Hotch snapped this time, and Morgan took a step back, offended.

“My place?”

“You need to back off.” Hotch clarified, and Morgan scoffed.

“We’ve got seven bodies man!”

“Which is exactly why we need to stay focused.”

“Focused? From where I’m standing, all your focus is on her.” Morgan stated, the rest of the room going silent. Hotch took a breath, looking his co-worker dead in the eye.

“Take a walk, now.” He ordered, and Morgan took a second before storming out. Clarkson let out a breath she didn’t even know she was holding, and turned to Reid, the pair moving aside towards their boards, now with more reports and dots scattered over them.

“Is there something I don’t know about Morgan and Joyner?” She asked softly, and Reid cleared his throat.

“From what I heard, there’s a chance Morgan will get her job if this all goes south.” He whispered back, and Clarkson nodded, glancing over her shoulder at Joyner and Hotch, who spoke in hushed voices.

“How long will it take Garcia to analyse the latest footage?” She asked again, pulling out her phone and dialling Garcia’s number.

“Why do you ask?” Reid questioned, Clarkson taking a seat at the nearest computer.

“Hey, Garcia. Can you send over all the shootings? I need to check something.” She asked, ending the call as she logged in and the video footage was sent over. Clarkson pulled all three of the latest killings onto the screen and frowned. This newest video showed an unsub moving in a brand-new way compared to the last two, from the way he held the gun to the way he fled the scene. “I think we are dealing with another unsub.”

--

FBI Field Office. New York City, New York.

Clarkson didn’t sleep that night, despite her logic telling her to do otherwise: after speaking with Reid about her suspicions, she began looking deeper into similar cases, beyond New York and the East Coast. Her research was global, looking at similar killing patterns, possibilities of a larger team at work, family shooters, everything she could find, all while that feeling of déjà vu nagged at the back of her mind.

She had seen this before; she just didn’t know where.

When the rest of the team returned to find Clarkson still in her clothes from the night before, the blazer she usually wore now draped over a chair on the far side of the room, Garcia couldn’t help but notice, on her way over, she had never seen Clarkson’s bare arms before. Ever. The woman always wore shirts or blazers that covered her to the cuff, in spite of the heat, and what caught the tech analyst’s eye was the same thing she had noticed on Clarkson’s first day all those months ago: the scar on her hand. It seemed the wound that allowed Garcia to realise her co-worker’s mortality was one of many scattered along her arm, almost in perfect distance from one another, like someone had sliced a pattern into her skin. The scars drew a line up her arm, disappearing under the sleeve of her pristine white blouse, but Garcia didn’t have time to question, being shooed off by Rossi to her temporary cave.

“When I told you to sleep, Clarkson, I didn’t mean for you to then stay up all night to cancel it out.” Rossi commented, patting the agent’s shoulder as she examined the board again, chewing on her lip. She was missing something; she just didn’t know what yet.

“Clarkson.” Hotch spoke up from behind her, causing the Agent to spin around and face him. He examined the board closely. “We didn’t tell you there were more than two unsubs. Garcia only told us last night.” He said, and Clarkson registered that Morgan was back, discussing something with Joyner rather intensely. It seemed the pair had handled their previous dispute.

“Hotch I’m on to something here.” She said softly, and Hotch nodded, gathering the rest of the team.

“Joyner wants you on the streets today, we want to look at the crime scenes in particular. If there’s a sexual component, there’s a chance our unsubs will visit around this time. Prentiss, you and Cooper will take 59th Street. Morgan, JJ, Herald Square. Brustin will take Agent Oxton to 72nd street, and Agent Cleland and Pond will hit Chambers Street.” Hotch gave the orders, half the BAU leaving to help the patrolling cops, leaving Reid, Rossi, Clarkson and Joyner in the field office.

“Garcia? I need you at my disposal for the next two minutes.” Clarkson dialled up, calling the tech whiz as she stared at her board, beckoning Reid over. She hoped that the genius would see something, anything, she didn’t.

“You got it, hot stuff.” Garcia said from the other end of the line.

“Huh…” Reid commented, and Clarkson glanced up.

“What do you see?”

“Well, what I saw this morning was a whole lot of scars on your arm. I know you are secretive and all, but where did you get them. Oh, where you in some sort of fight club?” Garcia talked down the phone, thinking the question was directed at her.

“Not you Garcia, Reid.” Clarkson corrected, before glancing down at her exposed arm, running her fingers along the scars that adorned her skin.

“Well, the unsubs have targeted almost every district of the city… What if we’ve been profiling it wrong? It’s not looking for a comfort zone, it’s simply about-”

“Causing the most disruption…” Clarkson finished Reid’s sentence, the pieces of the puzzle slowly clicking together in her head. “Shit…” She muttered, about to end her call with Garcia when the blonde yelped through the phone. “Garcia?” She put it on speaker, placing it down on a desk as Rossi and Hotch walked over.

“A woman was just shot…”

“Where Garcia?” A voice came through on the radio, JJ’s.

“Emily, he’s west of you.”

“Yeah, we heard it.” Prentiss radioed back, and Joyner pulled up the CCTV footage for the field office to view, shared on by Garcia. Clarkson watched as the unsub ran through the crowds on screen, her heartbeat racing as she did her best to examine him in real time: the movements, the step work, anything. She had to be sure, and only when she was did she reach for the radio, holding down and speaking slow and clear.

“Prentiss, Cooper, you need to take the first shot you get and kill the unsub.” Clarkson ordered, much to the shock of her teammates.

“Clarkson what are you doing?” Hotch asked, grabbing the radio from her. “I’m not dealing with insubordination today, learn your place.” He ordered, about to radio in to disregard the order.

“Operation Citadel.” Clarkson said quickly, and Hotch froze, looking over at her.

“Are you sure?”

“I am.” Clarkson replied, a moment of silence hanging in the air.

“… Shoot to kill, Prentiss…” Hotch ordered, turning back to the screen as Prentiss and Cooper followed the unsub down an alley. “Garcia, do we have visual?” He asked, a new screen coming up, the unsub stood ready to fire in the centre of the alleyway, his gun aiming for the corner, ready to hit whoever came round first.

Prentiss came first, Cooper following, and the unsub opened fire for four agonisingly long seconds before Prentiss got a shot and took the unsub out. A final gunshot rang out, followed by Cooper falling to the ground, and Hotch opened the radio line again.

“Prentiss, is Cooper ok?” He asked, waiting for a response over heavy breathing.

“Affirmative. Bullet grazed the leg, we’re good. He’ll be needing a few stitches though.” Prentiss informed the team, everyone letting out a sigh of relief.

“Brustin, get to the scene with medical. I need the BAU back here immediately.” Hotch ordered; and took a step back. After a few moments of silence, Reid finally spoke up, looking between the group.

“What’s Operation Citadel?”

--

That afternoon, the team gathered in Joyner’s office, blinds drawn for privacy. Sat on Joyner’s desk was Clarkson, arms folded, and her eyes trained on the floor as she spoke, not quite able to make eye contact with her teammates. Garcia had, on request, accessed the Operation Citadel file, provided to them by the CIA thanks to JJ’s connections, and she handed out a few copies before taking a seat beside Reid on the couch.

“After 9/11.” Clarkson began, letting out a sigh before finally looking up at her team. “After 9/11, the US government were on high alert for new terrorist organisations that could hurt the US again. Operation Citadel was a recon mission taken on by eight Navy Seals in the city of Basra in Iraq.” Clarkson explained. “I was trying to figure out where I had seen the patterns before, and it clicked when Garcia mentioned the army. I… Over the course of a month and a half, a terror cell in Basra known as Almusif killed innocent civilians all across the city to incite fear in the populous. The US Army also assumed that there was one killer to begin with, but as they escalated their timeline, going from a kill every three days to a kill every day, it became more probably that it was two or more individuals. Eye-witness accounts varied; the unsubs described in multiple different ways.” She took a second, a breath.

“When a local politician and his family were killed, the man known to promote pro-west views, the team intervened. Thirteen men were rounded up, all attempted suicide by police. Another eight were killed. It… The murders were revealed to be a testing of allegiance, an initiation, to prove that these men would die for the cause, before they moved on to the main target. Not only did the politician and his family die, but bombs- bombs were planted to kill the first wave of responders. Doctors, volunteers, a few American medics. Multiple bombs actually, main routes in and out of the city.”

“How do- how do you know all this?” Morgan asked, but Clarkson didn’t answer, continuing.

“This attack took place a year and a half ago, and my best guess is it was a test run. All of it has been a test run, to time response times of police and paramedics. The terror cell leader took to taunting interrogators about cells in other areas. He referenced New York as one of the cities, as well as Paris, Madrid, London, Los Angeles… The FBI and CIA created a joint task force with Interpol to look into possible leads over the last eighteen months, with Almusif cells dissolved in Los Angeles and the European cities. No activity had been recorded in Toronto or New York until, well, now.”

“Y/N.” Morgan asked again, the pair finally meeting eyes. The rest of the room was silent. “How do you know all this? How can you be so sure?”

“I assisted in the interrogation proceedings.” She said simply, her face not giving anything away.

“He had no I.D on him…” Prentiss said softly, the room turning to her. “I checked the unsub’s body, there was no I.D, he waited to shoot at us… He was so calm, like he was prepared to die I…” Prentiss took a shaky breath, and JJ’s hand rested on her back.

“How many civilians were killed in Basra?” Hotch asked, and Clarkson looked up.

“24. Each member had to kill at least one person, but with a cell like this...”

“There’ll be less people, shorter timeline. We need to get this information out to everyone, we could have a strike on any politician in this city withing the next few days.” Hotch said, letting out a sigh and running a hand through his hair.

“It’s ingenious in all honesty.” Reid spoke up, closing over the file he had read the entirety of in the last few minutes of discussion. “The murders simulate bombings, they gauge response times, get a practise run before the real thing, where the end result is much more catastrophic. And if a shooter is caught, the police have a shooter, the cell isn’t compromised.”

“It’s lo-fi.” Joyner said softly, “The smartest way to plan a terror attack.”

“I think our cell might be targeting points of entry.” Reid said again, standing up and leading the team out into the main office, walking to his map.

“Holland tunnel, Midtown tunnel, Manhattan bridge.” Prentiss read out.

“If bombs went off, emergency response would shut down any ability to get in or out of the city… God, it’s a play by play of Basra.” JJ commented, letting out a shaky breath. “It’s like people would be trapped on the island.”

“What are the chances they could have hacked into the city’s surveillance?” Clarkson asked. “Basra didn’t have a lot of cameras at the time, but there was at least one hacked into…” She explained, Garcia taking this as a cue to dismiss herself and go check.

“So, this isn’t a theory anymore.” Rossi muttered, and Joyner nodded.

“We need to hit the ground running with this.” She said, and Prentiss took lead.

“I’ll go to the hospital, check on Cooper and brief Detective Brustin.” Emily said, nodding to Hotch as she headed for the elevator.

“Good. Dave will you go talk to the commissioner, and Morgan, you brief homeland security with Clarkson.” Hotch instructed, the three agents collecting jackets and heading towards the exit.

“JJ and I will talk to port authority police.” Reid suggested, the team now in motion. As the doors closed, Rossi, Morgan and Clarkson stood silently in the elevator to the ground, Rossi spoke up first.

“Assisted in the interrogation process…” He commented, and Clarkson looked back to see a sly smirk on the older agent’s face.

“I didn’t waterboard anyone, Rossi.” Clarkson said quickly. “I barely did anything. I took notes.”

“Is that why you spend so much time writing in that little notebook of yours?” Morgan questioned, the elevator doors opening, and Clarkson headed towards one of the SUVs parked outside, taking the passenger seat as Morgan climbed in the driver’s side, taking a moment to wave Rossi off. “So you were Army, huh?”

“I didn’t say that.” Clarkson responded, the pair speeding towards the Homeland Security building on East 51st street.

“You expect me to listen to you recount a recon mission turned terrorist interrogation and not suspect you of working with the Army?” Morgan scoffed. “I don’t know what happened to you Clarkson, but at some point, you’ve got to realise that this team isn’t out to get you. Telling us what you did before this job is only going to help us work better as a team.” Clarkson stayed silent, and Morgan looked over, the car stopping outside the Homeland Security building. “Does Hotch know everything?”

“No.”

--

That evening, seven black FBI SUVs were scattered across the city, the agents within them tasked with informing NYC’s protections services of the imminent threat the city was facing. Nine agents across seven cars, each convinced there was more time to prepare, to plan, to execute a strategy that would minimise deaths and maximise the arrest count.

That certainty, that hope, was shattered when one of the cars exploded.

--

Tags: @ssour-patch-kid @dxbriksx @asapkyndall @sungieeeeeee@afuckingshituniverse @hommoturttle @viarogers​ @random-thoughts-003​ 

Jordan is where domestic and regional fissures collide

By James M. Dorsey

 Former Crown Prince Hamzah bin Hussein has papered over a rare public dispute in the ruling Jordanian family in a move that is unlikely to resolve long-standing fissures in society and among the country’s elite and that echo multiple Middle Eastern fault lines.

 Differences over socio-economic policies, governance, and last year’s normalization of relations between Israel, the United Arab Emirates and three other Arab states as well as leadership of the Muslim world were laid glaringly bare by a security crackdown that targeted not only Prince Hamzah, a popular, modest, and pious 41-year-old half-brother of King Abdullah, but also seemingly unrelated others perceived by the monarch as a threat.

 Reading tea leaves, the perceived threats may be twofold albeit unrelated: Prince Hamzah’s association with powerful conservative tribes who over the last decade have demanded an end to corruption and prominent figures with close ties to Saudi Arabia.

 The kingdom, home to Islam’s two holiest cities, Mecca and Medina, has been quietly manoeuvring to force Jordan, the administrator of the faith’s third holiest site, Al-Haram ash-Sharif or Temple Mount in Jerusalem, to share its role. A say in Jerusalem would significantly boost the kingdom’s claim to leadership of the Muslim world.

 There is little evidence that the two forces were working together despite government assertions that it had intercepted communications between the two in the days prior to this weekend’s crackdown that prompted Prince Hamzah to speak out.

 Prince Hamzah’s statement focused on domestic issues, suggesting that the government may have been most immediately concerned that he was fuelling further protests particularly on the eve of Jordan’s April 11 centenary. The concern may have created the opportunity to address perceived less imminent threats.

 The crackdown led to the arrest of among others two prominent leaders of the Al-Majali tribe and political clan, long a pillar of Hashemite rule, and Bassem Awadallah, a former top aide to King Abdullah, finance minister and envoy to Saudi Arabia, who is also an advisor to Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman. Mr. Awadallah is a dual Jordanian-Saudi citizen.

 The Washington Post reported that Saudi Foreign Minister Faisal bin Farhan had requested during a visit to Amman on Tuesday that Mr. Awadallah be released and allowed to travel to the kingdom with his delegation.

 Privately, many Jordanians fear that Saudi Arabia could support efforts to resolve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict by turning the kingdom into a Palestinian state that would incorporate those parts of the occupied West Bank that would not be annexed by Israel.

 Saudi Arabia has so far refused to establish diplomatic relations with Israel as long as the Palestinian issue has not been resolved. Mr. Bin Farhan reiterated the kingdom’s position earlier this month but also told CNN that relations with Israel would be "extremely helpful" and bring "tremendous benefits."

 Relations between Saudi Arabia and Jordan, hard hit by the pandemic and home to one of the world’s largest Syrian refugee contingents, were strained by King Abdullah’s refusal to embrace former US President Donald J. Trump’s Deal of the Century Israeli-Palestinian peace plan.

 King Abdullah opposed the plan because it recognized Israeli annexation of East Jerusalem, legitimized Israeli settlements in occupied territory and envisioned Israeli annexation of parts of the West Bank.

 Saudi Arabia this weekend, like other Middle Eastern countries, was quick to express support for King Abdullah.

 Prince Hamzah and Mr. Awadallah were not known to be close. Tribal leaders rejected Mr. Awadallah’s privatization of telecommunications, potash and phosphate companies during his tenure as finance minister as primarily benefitting the country’s allegedly corrupt elite and foreign companies.

 Prince Hamzah, in an agreement mediated by the former crown prince’s uncle, Prince Hassan bin Talal, and several other princes, pledged allegiance to King Abdullah days after releasing two clips in which he denounced corruption and poor governance that had allegedly prevailed for much of the monarch’s rule. King Abdullah acceded to the throne in 1999.

 The agreement takes the immediate sting out of the rare public airing of differences within the ruling family but fails to tackle grievances of the tribes and other segments of the population.

 Prince Hamzah’s declaration of fealty may be less of a concession than it would appear at first glance. The former crown prince is not believed to aspire to succeeding King Abdullah.

 Moreover, protests going back to the time of the 2011 popular Arab revolts and continuing more recently with the tribal-backed Hirak protest movement, have consistently stopped short of demanding regime change.

 Tribal leaders went perhaps furthest when in 2011 they issued a statement asserting corruption among members of Kuwait-born Queen Rania’s Palestinian family and demanded that King Abdullah divorce his wife.

 In the government’s statement on Sunday, Foreign Minister Ayman Safadi studiously avoided speaking of an attempted coup, asserting instead that the former crown prince and others had targeted “the country’s security and stability.”

 Said a tribal activist: “Our issue is not the king or the family. Nobody is asking for regime change. That does not mean that our leaders have a blank check. They have to introduce real change and accommodate popular demands for transparency and accountable governance.”

 A podcast version of this story is available on Soundcloud, Itunes, Spotify, Stitcher, TuneIn, Spreaker, Pocket Casts, Tumblr, Podbean, Audecibel,  Castbox, and Patreon.

 Dr. James M. Dorsey is an award-winning journalist and a senior fellow at Nanyang Technological University’s S. Rajaratnam School of International Studies in Singapore and the National University of Singapore’s Middle East Institute as well as an Honorary Senior Non-Resident Fellow at Eye on ISIS.

When I’m Saved (Part 1)

AN: This story is a loose and dramatised version based on a true event that happened to me. I have changed names and situations for privacy reasons. This will be a Tumblr and Ao3 exclusive fic. I hope you all enjoy laughing at how much of an idiot I am for getting into this situation.

“I’d like to thank you all for coming in on such brief notice, and I apologise for calling you all in this late.” Section Chief Mateo Cruz greets his tired team after the plane takes off. “You will notice, Dr Lewis is not here. She took a flight out to Peyton, Idaho to be the liaison for the La Byorteaux family. In the meantime, we have Dr Spencer Reid.” 

“What exactly is the situation?” Agent Prentiss asks. 

“Sixteen-year-old Dmitri La Byorteaux was reported missing from Disneyland at midnight, when the park closed. Park security and LAPD are still searching the park just in case he is still there. Dmitri was with his school group, the Peyton Panthers Marching Band and Colour Guard. The LAPD is taking copies of all of their records concerning Dmitri. The band directors are John Tremblay and Mark Wozniak, assistant leaders are Amy Tremblay, Jill Mellencamp, Nicholas Grace, Nicholas Vasquez, Lily Jones, and Arthur Wallace. There are parent chaperones, the one in charge of Dmitri is Ressa Kilburn,” the section chief explains.

“None of them know where he is or can get ahold of him?” Agent Jareau asks.

“No. These girls may know, though.” 

“Adelaide Parker, Tessa Anderson, Emily McClane, Imogen Wilkinson?” 

“His roommates. They were with him for every moment of the trip.” 

“Roommates? Why would they room a boy with four girls? That sounds very strange.” 

“Hello, crimefighters!” Ms Garcia cheerfully greets the team. “I’ve just been through Dmitri’s records that Mrs Mellencamp has provided. He didn’t have a seat buddy on the bus. He was in the back of the ‘orange’ bus, with Imogen and Emily in front of him. And Dmitri is on three medications, two anti-depressants and a thyroid hormone. He is also reportedly allergic to ibuprofen.” 

“Two anti-depressants?” 

“Yeah, fluoxetine and trazodone.” 

“Those two together can create an effect called serotonin syndrome, which is an excess in the hormone serotonin, which is known as the hormone that makes people happy. Symptoms can range from headaches and myoclonus to hyperthermia and a drastically increased heart rate,” Dr Reid says.

“Dmitri’s phone is most likely dead, because I can’t track it.” 

“Does he talk to anybody from the Los Angeles area?” 

“I spotted a few Los Angeles numbers in his contacts. One belongs to a Hussein College. Another is registered to a man named Diego Castro, and yet another is registered to a Jacob Freeman. I’m sending contact information to your mobiles.”

“Castro’s a forty-year-old drag queen. Has the physique to easily overpower Dmitri.”

“Freeman is six feet tall, twenty-one-years-old, also has the physique to overpower Dmitri easily. Do they know each other? Did either of them know Dmitri or each other before yesterday?”

“No. I don’t even think Diego and Jacob know each other now, but I...I just found a picture on Diego’s Instagram, it’s from yesterday, and both Dmitri and Tessa are in it. Diego’s the one hugging Dmitri, the other men are friends of his.” 

“That’s Tessa over there on the other side. And is Dmitri in a wheelchair?”

“Yeah, none of the band records mentioned a wheelchair or a mobility impairment, so let me just get ahold of Dmitri’s medical records…” Typing can be heard through the laptop. “Huh. There’s nothing for Dmitri. At all. Like, he doesn’t exist. I found a Rhys La Byorteaux, though, they have the same prescriptions, same hometown, same last name... same parents… the only thing different is that Rhys is a girl and Dmitri is a boy. They even have the same therapist.”

“Rhys and Dmitri sound like they’re the same person. When did Dmitri start existing?”

“Early 2017. That’s also when Rhys kind of started...not existing… yeah, they’re the same person, records from Dmitri’s clinic show Rhys is a legal name and that he is biologically female, but he is seeking treatment for gender dysphoria and uses the name Dmitri.”

“Oh... he’s transgender? Why weren’t we told of that?” Agent Jareau asks. “I feel like that would be important information to know.”

“I don’t know, but we’re still calling him Dmitri, right?”

“We should, to avoid confusion. How common is that last name?”

“Not very, sir, the only other people I’m finding in America with that last name are the acting brothers and Dmitri’s family... there is a birth certificate for a Luke La Byorteaux, born to Nathaniel La Byorteaux and a Maria Alvez, but I can’t find anything for Luke past 1989.” Agent Alvez looks to the laptop with his eyebrows furrowed.

“Did you just say Maria Alvez?” 

“Yeah, she also kind of went missing, too.” 

“Garcia. Focus on Dmitri.”

“Got it. Dmitri’s medical records look relatively normal until the age of three, then after that, it looks like he’s a frequent flyer in the medical field. He was born relatively healthy for being induced three weeks early, except for the part where his father, Nathaniel La Byorteaux, was removed from the delivery room for protesting when the doctor threw the baby at mother Eva Kelly’s chest, and also for refusing doctors access to newborn Dmitri, who was born anemic.” 

“What kind of father refuses treatment for his newborn child?” Agent Simmons asks. “What started happening when Dmitri turned three?”

“A lot of appointments with specialty doctors, peppered in with ER visits. They referred Dmitri out to an audiologist based on concerns of multiple ear infections and being deaf. They found out he wasn’t deaf by scanning his brain waves when the regular test didn’t work out, and he was developmentally delayed, put in preschool at three, the youngest in his class. He ate a penny, went to the ER to have it pumped out, that’s like the one relatively normal thing that happened to him. Eva Kelly and Nathaniel La Byorteaux voiced many concerns about Dmitri’s never-ending ear infections and the strep throat that he would get constantly, and the frequent nosebleeds that happened nearly daily. He was admitted to the ER many times, covered in bruises from head to toe, bleeding profusely, dangerously high fevers, and they rushed him from the hospital in Ontario, Oregon to Boise, Idaho. CPS was called over concerns of Nathaniel abusing Dmitri, but charges were dismissed once Eva explained that Nathaniel wouldn’t actually beat Dmitri if he didn’t wake up, that was just how Nathaniel woke him up.” 

“What? Nathaniel threatened to beat up Dmitri?”

“Yeah, I wish that was a joke. All of the tests came back that there were no platelets in Dmitri’s system. Anywhere. Zilch. He was given three bags of immunoglobulin and carefully monitored after that. Doctors determined that the only explanation could have been this rare disease called ITP, or-”

“Immune Thrombocytopenic Purpura. The body mistakenly attacks and destroys platelets in the body, which are fragments of cells that help clot the blood when the body is wounded. It usually starts in children after a viral disease, and it usually resolves itself with no need for treatment.” 

“Yes, Good Doctor. Dmitri’s condition was closely monitored after that, and then shortly after his fifth birthday, he was diagnosed with autism by a specialist in Salt Lake City, Utah. He went to the MayoClinic in Phoenix, Arizona for a month to have a splenectomy, and then that August, he and his brother Roger Kelly were nearly killed in a single-car rollover, and more blood bags were needed, both sustained concussions. Dmitri was admitted to the ER again later that month after he reportedly fell from the shelves in his closet during the night, that’s a concussion, and then again after he tipped over one of those old-person motor scooters onto himself, but miraculously, all he had was road rash and a bunch of scratches.” 

“What? Where did he get a motorised scooter?”

“His dad apparently got it after breaking his knee on his stepson, Robert’s trick bike, when he collided with the garden gnome. Robert also split his chin open and had to get five stitches. Again, the garden gnome. No, I’m not making any of this up. Let’s see...no hospital activity until Dmitri got his tonsils removed at age nine, apparently that was the reason he got strep throat five times a year. He went through urgent care all the time for weird accidents, like one time, his face swelled up to the size of a grapefruit because of misusing acne wipes. He went through urgent care at fourteen for a concussion, was sent home, no further testing was done... and then two months later, he was admitted to the ER for a major concussion, tests showed no brain bleeding, he was sent home to recover from it, when to the ER three months ago because he had bled out during a panic attack...He didn’t go to the ER again until three weeks ago, and yeah.”

“How does he behave in school?”

“Uh...Dmitri is mayhem incarnate, constant behaviour issues. He’s noted to be moody, fidgety, stubborn. Quite closed off from his peers, distracted, impulsive. He does his work super fast and is noted to be quite intelligent but breaks the rules. He is known to be very messy, and he is regularly known to be very goofy, often covered in markers and other things.. He argues with teachers a lot, has his phone confiscated a lot, violates dress code a lot, has been involved in weird incidents, has a very filthy mouth, serves a lot of detention for being late, a lot.” 

“He’s a rule breaker. You think he left on purpose?”

“He doesn’t look like he can in that wheelchair. It looks like a park rental. Garcia, check into that wheelchair thing. And check Dmitri’s social media. His emails and text messages, too.” 

“On it. I’m going to update Tara.” The blonde woman ends the call, and the screen returns to a navy blue background. 

“I’m going to call LAPD, tell them Dmitri has less time than we thought,” Chief Cruz says, pulling out his cell phone and stepping towards another section of the plane. 

“How do you bleed out from a panic attack?” Agent Rossi asks. “Kid has got talents.”

“That entire family has talents. A garden gnome?”

“Less talk about the freak garden gnome accident, more trying to find Dmitri. He couldn’t have gotten far if he needed a wheelchair, so someone would have had to carry him out if he got far.” 

“We have to figure out why he was in the wheelchair.” 

“He had a concussion three weeks ago that went mostly untreated, he’s probably still showing symptoms, and he may have developed physical coordination issues rendering him temporarily unable to walk. He may also be extremely dizzy, or his limbs may be extremely weak,” Dr Reid explains. 

“Someone would have had to take him. We should track down Diego Castro and Jacob Freeman, see what they know.” 

“The girls would definitely know what happened to him. We have to talk to them. We should also talk to the chaperones that would know Dmitri the best, starting with John and Amy Tremblay.”

Okay, so I’m furious after watching YET ANOTHER movie in which the protagonist gripes at length about how she “feels like a zombie” after being put on “those awful antidepressants”, so here’s a real quick primer.

(Just a disclaimer, this is not professional medical advice per se, but this IS based on the experience of multiple people who have been on antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds.)

TL;DR: make sure to talk to your doctor about any meds you’re taking, are thinking of taking, or want to stop taking. 

1) If you’re seeing a zombie in the mirror, something is wrong. 

No antidepressant/anti-anxiety med should cause any kind of “zombie”-like feelings. That is not something you should ever “just learn to deal with”. It is a sign that something is not working properly. If it (or any medication) does, then you need to TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT IT. If any medication causes any kind of side effect that you’re not okay with, TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT IT. For most conditions (especially anxiety and depression) enough different kinds of medications exist to treat it that another one exists that will work better with your brain chemistry.

You also should not experience major personality shifts or lose your ability to be creative or whatever. There are some behaviors that we adopt as a reaction to suffering-- things like anger, self-harm in the form of seeking out dangerous experiences, substance abuse, etc. Sometimes, when the suffering is alleviated, you don’t have to lean so hard on those coping mechanisms, and people might notice that. But that’s not you “changing”, it’s just your actual personality starting to come through.

2) Meds are not a miracle cure.

A lot of people take antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds and assume that their life will be “fixed” or they’ll suddenly be “happy” afterward. Antidepressants aren’t happy pills, they just lift some of the gray fog that’s been clouding your thoughts. Yes, the right prescription will make it a whole lot easier to cope with the problems of your day-to-day life. But they won’t actually make those problems go away.

Things like grief, abusive relationships, and toxic environments still exist, and they still need to be dealt with, or else nothing is going to get better. Some people only need the chemical boost to clarify their perspective of the situation, but much more often you’re going to need the help of a therapist to help you manage the big stuff and-- and this is important-- unlearn the harmful coping mechanisms that you developed while you were in a bad place. 

3) Don’t try to stretch out prescriptions by taking them less often. 

There are some meds that are meant for extreme moments-- to pull you out of a panic attack, for example-- and those can be taken as needed. But for a lot of them, they only really work when there’s a certain amount of it in your system. That’s why a lot of them take a few weeks to be fully effective. 

If getting to the pharmacy is a problem for you, ask about getting your prescription delivered to your door, or ask about getting three months’ supply at a time rather than one month. If price is a problem, talk to your doctor about it and they can prioritize something with a readily available generic variant. 

Also: taking two pills once a day is not always the same as taking one pill twice a day. Talk to your doctor if frequency is going to be an issue for you, so they can figure things out accordingly.

4) Not all mental health experiences are the same.

Some people only need meds until they get out of the toxic environment that messed them up in the first place. Some people only need meds long enough to learn more healthy and effective coping mechanisms. Some people need them their whole lives. Some people, like myself, will eventually build up a tolerance to  one medication and need to be switched to something else every year or so. Some people find that suddenly their insurance doesn’t cover the medication they’re on, and they need to switch to something else. Just because it went one way for one person doesn’t mean it’ll go that way for someone else. 

Regardless, any time you change your meds, you need to keep your doctor apprised of the situation and your goals, because they can tell you how to do it safely. You can seriously, seriously fuck yourself up if you try to change your regimen without supervision. 

5) If your doctor won’t talk to you, ask for someone else.

The most important thing to take away from this is to TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR. If you feel your doctor isn’t listening to you, isn’t taking you seriously, or whatever, then make a note of that and the next time you make an appointment, ask to see somebody else instead. Or ask your friends or family if they have a doctor that they trust and give them a call instead. You don’t have to worry about your doctor’s feelings being hurt-- if they’re not giving you the care you need, then they’re not right for you anyway.

5) A medical doctor can prescribe antidepressants.

Should this have been earlier? Because I didn’t know it for a while. But if you feel like you could benefit from antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds, then you can schedule a visit with a doctor and they can prescribe them to you. But you need to actually tell them as much, in words. “Hey, I’ve been dealing with [xyz] lately and I think I might need to be taking something for it.” You can also ask them to refer you to a therapist that takes your insurance, if you’re having trouble finding one. 

TL;DR: TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR. 

Safe Haven

On December 8, 1941—the day after “a date which will live in infamy”—then-president Aurelia Henry Reinhardt wrote a letter to all Mills families. With the hindsight of nearly 80 years, it’s a surreal read; the main point of the letter was not to offer solace or organize war efforts, but to reassure parents that the Mills campus was unlikely to face any danger from a Japanese attack. “The English Channel is 26 miles wide; New York is 3,500 miles from Europe; California is 5,500 miles from Japan and 2,500 miles from our nearest possession in the Hawaiian group,” she wrote. “May I assure you that there exists no reason to change in any way the schedule and curriculum of this college in the spring term which begins Monday, January 5.”

At that point, no one knew that many students of Japanese descent would soon opt to leave Mills, hoping to avoid separation from their families as they were forced into internment camps across the United States. In the years leading up to World War II, President Reinhardt had approached a number of European artists and intellectuals to offer them a place at Mills as the Third Reich marched across the continent and sent to concentration camps anyone it deemed a threat, including Darius Milhaud and other notable figures in the College’s history, but that welcoming spirit couldn’t protect some of her own students.

When it comes to political and cultural forces outside the campus gates, the College has historically been limited in what it can do to protect its students. But as an institution, Mills has long welcomed members of marginalized communities, and outside restrictions have not altered the campus culture of acceptance.

In recent years, the term “sanctuary” has become a buzzword in our charged political environment. But in a historical sense, the concept originated with the sacred. In ancient Greece, spaces that honored the gods provided some measure of immunity to individuals escaping laws of the state (with limited success), and in Rome, Romulus established a zone on Capitoline Hill where asylum seekers from other places could find refuge. For centuries, places of worship have operated as spaces where people could take shelter, and it’s still happening today—churches around the world house migrants seeking to avoid deportation back to war-torn homelands.

The idea of sanctuary gained popularity in the United States in the 1980s when Central Americans began to flee their home countries in the wake of civil unrest, but Mills took on the responsibility of offering it 60 years earlier in the early days of World War II. In the 1961 book Aurelia Henry Reinhardt: Portrait of a Whole Woman, Chaplain George Hedley wrote that President Reinhardt contacted the Emergency Committee in Aid of Displaced German Scholars (later Foreign Scholars) to invite intellectuals to Mills as soon as Hitler took power in Germany in 1933. Hedley noted that legends were told of Reinhardt physically transporting those scholars to campus herself.

A number of professors soon made their way to Oakland, including Alfred Neumeyer, who taught art history and directed what was then the Art Gallery, and the married couple Bernhard Blume and Carlotta Rosenberg. A German playwright, Bernhard headed up the German Department at Mills until 1945, and Rosenberg was a proponent of educating workers and women.

Of course, the most well-known Mills expats were the musician Darius Milhaud and his wife, Madeleine. In speaking with the author Roger Nichols in 1991, Madeleine detailed her family’s reaction when the Nazis entered Paris in June 1940: “We knew… that Milhaud was among the first on a list of intellectuals to be arrested because he was well known in Germany as a Jewish composer, and also because he did not share their right-wing ideals.”

The Milhauds made their way to Lisbon with plans to fly to New York, using an invitation from the Chicago Symphony Orchestra to obtain visas. But upon arrival in Portugal, their plane tickets were declared invalid because they had been bought with French francs. The three—Darius, Madeleine, and their son—were just about to board an American freighter to cross the Atlantic when a telegram arrived with an offer to teach at Mills. The San Francisco-based French conductor Pierre Monteux had contacted President Reinhardt after learning that Milhaud was fleeing to America and connected the two.

Milhaud cabled his acceptance of the position and, a few months after arriving on campus, Dean of Faculty Dean Rusk (later US Secretary of State during the Vietnam War) wrote to the State Department to plead his case for Milhaud’s continued residency in the United States, which hinged on his history of contribution to the arts. Milhaud taught on and off at Mills from 1940 until 1971.

Milhaud’s influence on the Music Department (and the rest of the College) is well known, though he was not the only academic who molded Mills in indelible ways during this time. Helene Mayer, a champion German fencer at the 1928 Olympics, was studying at Scripps College when Hitler rose to power in her home country. She then enrolled at Mills for a master’s in French. While on campus studying for her MA and, later, teaching German literature, she founded the Mills College Fencing Club, jump-starting an organization that lasted for decades. And it’s to the credit of these scholars that the German Department at Mills built a strong enough foundation to eventually send many of its students abroad as Fulbright scholars.

The situation with students of Japanese descent was not nearly as easy to solve, however, with President Franklin D. Roosevelt establishing internment camps less than three months after the Pearl Harbor attack.

Alumnae who were at Mills during the attack remember that day as a sunny one, with word of the incident filtering in as they arrived back in their residence halls after Sunday chapel service. Japanese American students soon found their freedoms curtailed bit by bit, starting with an Army-ordered curfew that restricted their movement even on the Mills campus.

May Ohmura Watanabe ’44, who was born in California to American citizens, wrote about her experiences in multiple issues of the Quarterly. “I remember Dr. Hedley, the chaplain, was very upset and angry. I can still feel his hand tightly holding mine, his body slightly bent forward as he hurried to look at the curfew proclamation posted on the telephone pole just outside the campus,” she wrote in 1985. “He even took me to the Army’s headquarters in San Francisco to protest and to state his disbelief. All in vain.”

Watanabe soon left Mills and returned home to Chico so that she wouldn’t be sent to a different internment camp than her parents and brother. She spent a year at the Tule Lake Relocation Center near the Oregon border, then was released as part of a program allowing some detainees to work or attend school in special approved zones. Watanabe was allowed to transfer her credits to Syracuse University, where she studied nursing. “I remember the special arrangements Mills made for me before evacuation to take my exams in Chico supervised by my high school dean,” she wrote.

The late Grace Fujii Kikuchi ’42 made a similar choice to leave Mills to avoid separation from her family. As a senior, she was more easily able to bring her time at Mills to a close, though it wasn’t a happy time. “My professors at Mills had arranged for me to take my [exam] at a nearby high school,” she wrote in the same Quarterly issue. “All I know is that I was graduated in absentia with my class. Not to be able to attend my commencement after four hard years of work was a bitter disappointment to me.”

The frustrations of the Mills administration during this era were captured in a play by Catherine Ladnier ’70, which she based on actual letters President Reinhardt received from students who left the College due to World War II, including Japanese American students in internment camps. Titled A Future Day of Radiant Peace, the play details the personal turmoil these students experienced as they abandoned their bustling lives at Mills for the uncertainty of the camps. It also demonstrates what little power anyone on campus had to prevent the exodus.

In the aftermath of the war, however, Mills was able to provide sanctuary to several students whose home countries were suffering. Catherine Cambessedes Colburn ’47 and Noramah Sumakno Peksopoetranto ’56 traveled to the College from France and Indonesia, respectively. In the spring 1997 issue of the Quarterly, Colburn wrote about the strangeness of going from a country recovering from war to a land of plenty.

“Mills had sent a list of what I would need, and I owned next to none of the items, nor could I get them. Coupons, given out rarely, were required to buy anything. Besides, the stores were next to empty,” she wrote. “I exchanged my wine ration with a friend for her fabric coupon and my cigarette ration with another for hers, and got enough material for two clothing items.”

Peksopoetranto earned her opportunity to attend Mills through a one-year scholarship from the Edward H. Hazen Foundation. At the end of the year, Dean Anna Hawkes offered her room and board for a bachelor’s degree in education; she spent that summer staying in the home of Librarian Elizabeth Reynolds.

On October 29, 2018—two days after 11 were killed in a shooting at the Tree of Life Synagogue in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania—President Elizabeth L. Hillman sent an email to the Mills community. In it, she harkened back to the College’s history of providing sanctuary to Jewish scholars during World War II and the inspiration they provided to generations of students. “Higher education institutions like Mills have a special role to play in creating and sharing knowledge across boundaries of faith, race, gender, and background,” she wrote. “We can only fulfill our mission when everyone in our community is safe, respected, and able to grow and learn.”

In the last few years, President Hillman has sent a number of similar emails to the campus community after attacks, in the United States and abroad, that have targeted historically marginalized groups. According to Dean of Students Chicora Martin, the typical campus response finds its roots in Mills history. “Whenever an incident happens, we’re among a community where people may not always know what to do, but they are prepared to do something,” they said. “It’s part of our culture.”

“In times of immense crisis and identity-based violence, there is this depth of emotion and despair, but also a desire to be in community,” says Dara Olandt, campus chaplain and director of spiritual and religious life. “It has been very moving for me to see the ways in which students have offered leadership and shown up for each other.”

Olandt attributes the campus-wide attitude of acceptance and protection to the College’s past religiosity—in particular, President Reinhardt was the first woman moderator of the American Unitarian Association. (Olandt herself was ordained by the Unitarian Universalist church.) The chapel “is a refuge, and a place of deep hospitality. That’s what the forebears [who created] this chapel were really about,” Olandt says. “There’s power in this symbolic place where people are welcome in the fullness of their lives, no matter their identities.”

She also counsels those who travel to Mills from outside the country and hail from distinctly different societal and religious backgrounds than their US-born peers. That demographic has naturally been part of the student body for decades, but provides a different set of challenges due to the requirements of F-1 and J-1 student entry visas. Dean Martin serves as the principal designated school official on the Mills campus, so they are the first point of contact for the US government. “Every year, we have someone who can’t make it here because they can’t get a visa,” they say. “There are lots of restrictions with international students, and there’s a lot of documentation that you have to provide just for them to do normal-ish things, like getting a Social Security card or a driver’s license.”

Over the last four years, the legal status of undocumented students has been called into question across the country, and as a Hispanic Serving Institution, Mills has been prompted to respond. Under the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA) program, which began in 2012, undocumented immigrants who arrived in the US before they turned 18 could be granted renewable two-year periods where they would not be deported. When Donald Trump was elected to the presidency, he pledged to end the program—and set off a chain reaction at colleges and universities across the country, which became known as the “sanctuary campus” movement.

On November 16, 2016, President Hillman was one of hundreds of signatories to the Statement in Support of the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA) Program, which underscored the contributions that its recipients have made to college communities across the country. “America needs talent—and these students, who have been raised and educated in the United States, are already part of our national community,” the statement reads. “They represent what is best about America, and as scholars and leaders they are essential to the future.”

Hillman also joined with more than two dozen college leaders in December 2017 as founding members of the Presidents’ Alliance on Higher Education and Immigration, which advocates for fair treatment of DACA and international students, and she continues to contribute to amicus briefs compiled by the alliance on behalf of DACA students.

In practical terms, Martin says that Mills provides grants to affected DACA students to cover the legal paperwork required to renew their statuses, and the College will provide financial assistance to any undocumented student in the same amount the student would have received from a Pell Grant, which is a federal program and therefore off-limits to non-citizens.

But in terms of sanctuary? If immigration officials asked Mills to turn over student records, the College is theoretically protected by the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA), which prohibits the disclosure of student information, including immigration status, to parties beyond those that need to know for the purposes of that student’s education. Nothing like that has happened yet, but administrators say that it’s really not the point. The last few years have, in the end, cemented the kind of institution Mills wants to be.

“We were asking questions about our own values. The government’s now actively not supporting [these] students, so we have to come out very strongly with concrete statements and actions that clarify for our community where our values lie,” Martin says.

“Aurelia Reinhardt was deeply motivated by her values, which had roots in her religious and spiritual background,” Olandt adds. “She was very much anchored in a spirit of service and what we call today solidarity with marginalized folks. How can we uphold the best of humanity and live a moral and ethical life in the face of challenge?”

May I? - 3/?

May I? - 3/?

Fic Summary: Ensign Faith Diaz struggles to hide her mental illness from her fellow shipmates aboard the Enterprise until an intrigued Data goes out of his way to try to understand her behavior. At his insistence, Faith tries to figure out what she's truly passionate about and eventually seeks the professional help she needs. Fic Masterpost.

Fic Rating: NC-17

Pairing: Data/Female OC

Warnings: tw: depression, tw: anxiety, fluff, friends to lovers, eventual smut

Data went back to his work.

Before that day he had not had a conversation with Faith and after two he found himself more puzzled than before. 

When Geordi had spoken of the ensign, he had mentioned her tardiness and overall dismissive demeanor over the last few weeks. Data could not comment on the tardiness but he had not found her to be dismissive unless questions were directed at her own well-being.

The fact that she used the Jefferies Tubes as a way to escape during her rotation was troubling. Handling stress in a fast-paced environment was essential to any position within Starfleet. If Faith could not handle the stress, how had she gotten as far as the Enterprise?

Data scanned Faith's Starfleet personnel file and found nothing of significance. She had adequate marks in the academy and had served on another vessel before the Enterprise. Her transfer orders included a glowing recommendation from her previous superior officer. 

Data concluded that something must have happened in the time between her last posting and her current one. If her behavior had changed once on the Enterprise, then it stood to reason the Enterprise was the issue. He had several hundred theories but not enough evidence for a clear hypothesis.

Switching his main focus, Data finished the project he had been working on and decided it was the best time to dream before the night ended. 

He climbed into bed, dimmed the lights, and closed his eyes. 

He was in a forest. A dense forest, thick with vegetation. It may have been daylight but he could not tell through the canopy created by the massive trees around him.

Data walked forward, listening to the crunching of the leaves under his shoes. It was the only sound he heard which was strange. Forests had animals did they not? He should be hearing birds at the very least. 

"Data."

His name was whispered and he turned in the direction it came but saw no one. He kept moving forward.

"Data."

This time the whisper came from a different direction. Yet still, he saw no one. At first. The harder he stared, the more the plants began to twist and change, winding themselves into a distinct shape. He took a step closer for a better look.

"Data!"

This time the voice with louder, right behind him. Data spun around and came face-to-face with Dr. Soong.

"Father?"

Dr. Soong smiled. "I'm surprised you found this place so quickly, son," he said. "I didn't even program it. It developed on its own when I added your dream function."

"What is it?"

Soong looked around, a mysterious glint in his eye. "The unknown, Data." He turned Data around and suddenly there was an archway of branches and vines, unintelligible whispers beckoning him forward. "The unknown."

Then he pushed Data through.

Data sat up. In the months since he began dreaming, he had cataloged over one-hundred and fifty dreams. In ninety-two percent of those dreams, he had found himself on the Enterprise while the remaining eight percent took place in various locations he had visited throughout his life.

This was the first dream where the location was fictitious. He was not sure how to interpret what he saw. Was Dr. Soong there or did his brain create his image as a "guide" of sorts? 

Data was required on the Bridge, which left little time for him to dwell on the matter. He would have to examine the dream another time, perhaps during his session with Counselor Troi the next day.

He reported to his station on time, as always. 

The planet they were surveying had no life forms and the previous day's excursion to the surface yielded nothing special. 

"What are your thoughts, Number One?" Captain Picard asked.

"It's like I said in my report," Riker responded. "There were a few structures but they were empty, seemingly abandoned years ago. No idea who made them but whoever did couldn't be found."

"Any reason why they were left?"

"I'm assuming it was due to the atmosphere. We were down there for a short time and even then it became difficult to breathe. We just barely managed to leave before storms rolled in."

Picard studied the screen thoughtfully before he sighed. "Best move on then. Data, set a course for the next planet in this system."

"Course set. We should arrive in fourteen hours and fifty-two minutes," Data announced.

"Thank you, Mr. Data. Engage."

And so they moved on.

Data's shift ended hours later and he retired to Engineering to continue his improvements with Geordi.

"Hey, Data, glad you're here," Geordi said when he arrived. "I need your help."

"Certainly. With what?"

"Here, let me show you."

Geordi led Data to the assistant engineer's console where a piece of machinery was physically out of place. It did not interfere with the console's function. Yet it was still troubling.

"Interesting…" Data said. "This reminds me of what Faith found yesterday. There is no reason for this unit to have been disassembled."

"No there isn't." Geordi raised his eyebrow. "Two pieces of Engineering machinery physically moved in less than twenty-four hours? I don't like those odds."

"It is extremely unlikely such occurrences are random."

"But what could cause such a thing?" Geordi asked. "These things are heavy. It would take at least three people to move them, maybe four. And that's if you detach it from the wall."

"The reasoning is also unclear," Data said. "I suggest running diagnostics on both units to ensure they have not been tampered with."

Geordi nodded in agreement. "I'll start on the one Faith was examining. By the way, thanks for taking care of her. Things could have gone south fast if you weren't there."

"It was no trouble," Data said. "Geordi, may I ask you a question about Faith?"

"To tell you the truth, Data, I don't know much about her."

"It is about her work. You said her performance has been lacking in the last few weeks?"

Geordi crossed his arms, leaning against the wall in the process. "More like months. When she first joined there wasn't an issue. I mean, she worked a little slow but still got the job done. Now she seems...I don't know, distracted. She's been late multiple times. Sometimes I ask her to do something and it takes hours, or she gets side-tracked and forgets. She's also had a bit of an attitude." He frowned. "Why? Was she rude to you?"

Data shook his head. "I did not find her rude. Although, I am curious about her behavior."

"What do you mean?"

"She injured herself but was reluctant to seek medical attention. Even when she was bleeding."

Geordi's dismay turned to concern. "That is troubling. Well, I know she's been ordered to rest per Dr. Crusher. Maybe she just needs a break. We haven't had shore leave in a while and who knows when she had a break on her last ship. I guess I never considered she may be overworked."

"It is possible. She was particularly unconcerned regarding her own safety. As her superior officer, I thought you should know."

Geordi stood up straight and adjusted his uniform. "Thanks, Data. I'll keep that in mind and will keep an eye on her when she gets back."

"That would be wise."

Satisfied the matter was settled, Data took a seat at the center terminal to begin to work. A few moments later Geordi joined him. 

"Data?"

"Yes, Geordi?"

"Why the sudden interest in Faith?"

Data stared at him, puzzled. "What do you mean?"

"You seem particularly concerned about her."

"Should I not be?"

"I'm not trying to discourage you. I think it's great. I guess I'm just curious."

"I am as well."

A sly smile spread across Geordi's face, though Data was not sure why. "Is that so?"

"Yes." Data studied him for a moment. "Judging by your tone you find this amusing."

"Maybe a little."

"May I ask why?"

"I've never known you to show such fast interest in a woman before."

"Ah. You think my interest is sexual in nature."

Geordi snorted with laughter. "Well, is it?"

"It is not. You of all people know I do not have any feelings, let alone sexual ones."

"It doesn't have to be sexual. You can just want companionship."

Data considered Geordi's point of view. "Currently I only wish to understand what Faith is going through. However, I have found our brief interactions pleasant enough, if not confusing."

"Confusing?"

"Yes. Her reactions to certain topics. For example, at times she will be conversing with no issue but when certain subjects come up she shuts down or grows defensive."

"That's not new to you, Data. You've been around plenty of people who don't want to share what's on their minds."

"I am aware of that, Geordi. But this is different."

"How?"

"I do not know. Hence the curiosity."

Geordi still had a slight smile on his face, almost as if he knew something Data did not. "As your friend, all I ask is that you be mindful of your questions. You may not feel, but Faith does. And she may not appreciate the extra attention." He picked up his tricorder. "I'm going to go check that console. Let me know if you need anything."

Data frowned as he watched Geordi walk away. Faith had approached him the previous evening and had even apologized for snapping at him. She did not seem bothered by his interest, only frustrated by the repeated question of her well-being. Data planned to avoid asking that particular question in the future, especially with Geordi's warning.

The more he learned about humans the more he grew confused. Yet, his resolve to be like them never wavered. If anything it strengthened as he hoped to fully understand them someday.

He and Geordi worked for several hours, exchanging thoughts about the latest mystery and reviewing the results of the diagnostics. In Geordi's initial sweep nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Still, the staff was told to keep an eye out for anything that seemed physically out of place. 

"I need a break," Geordi announced, rubbing his forehead. "My brain feels like mush and I still have some calibrations I have to run. Why don't we call it a day and meet up in the morning? Start fresh."

"Good idea. I need to feed Spot and I would like to work on my painting."

"Well, enjoy. I'll see you tomorrow."

Data took his leave, heading for his quarters. Spot greeted him when he arrived, meowing and curling around his legs. 

"I know it is time for your dinner," Data said, making his way to the replicator. 

After making sure Spot was fed, Data turned to his paint supplies. There was an abstract painting he had been working on for a number of weeks, but when he reached for the canvas, he decided he did not want to work on it. He wanted to start something new.

Data propped a fresh canvas in his easel and carefully selected several paints for his palette. His thoughts focused on the dream he had and he found himself painting the lush forest, dark and mysterious with beams of light attempting to peek through the canopy.

When he was finished, he stared at it for some time, reliving the dream vividly. There had been something in the underbrush before his father had appeared. It nagged at him, tugged on his mind until he propped up another fresh canvas.

Without hesitation, he dipped his brush in brown paint, mixing it with a small amount of white to lighten it some.

Then he began to paint.

Data was capable of computing multiple thoughts and actions at once, yet often limited them when he painted. He had been told creative endeavors required your full attention and he made it a point to follow said rule. 

Often he knew exactly what he wanted to paint and what techniques he needed to implore to achieve his goal. 

This time, it was different. This time, his hand seemed to have a mind of his own, gliding across the canvas in sure, deliberate strokes. It took Data a moment to register what he was actually painting.

Two light brown eyes stared back at him from the canvas. There was no face, no skin, just the eyes framed with long dark lashes. 

Faith's eyes.

Data lowered his brush, staring at what he had done and unsure of why he had done it. It was supposed to paint the vines and leaves, twisting together. Not this. He considered stopping but the urge to continue was strong. So he did not fight it. 

He added more white to the brown mixture until he was able to match her skin tone, filling in the blank spots on the canvas. 

Fresh brown paint was squeezed onto the palette, and this time Data added a drop of black, darkening it to match her hair. The eyebrows came next, thick and dark, with a small imperfection in the left one, no doubt leftover from a faded scar. 

Last was her hair, escaping its braid as it swirled around her face. It was not until her image was complete that he finally added the vines he had been attempting to recreate. Various shades of green wove together, twisting just as they appeared in his dream. They blended into her face, almost as if they made her.

Hours had passed by the time Data lowered his brush, staring in awe at the image he had managed to produce. It was nothing like he had ever painted before.

"Most curious."

New Post has been published on http://holaafrica.org/queer-lockdown-essential-workers/

Queer Lockdown – Essential Workers

By Tshegofatso Senne (@mbongomuffin), Illustrated by studiostudioworkwork

LGBTQIA+ people have been particularly affected by the COVID-19 pandemic. In a country that very rarely prioritises the needs of our community, circumstances have worsened during the pandemic, especially as the poor and working class face greater risks. LGBTQIA+ people are at the intersection of multiple vulnerable communities, with those who are immunocompromised, living with HIV/AIDS, unemployed, those who are homeless, refugees and others who are forced to live with homophobic family members. Even within non-governmental organisations, funding very rarely prioritises our community.

Regardless of this, queer people are still working tirelessly as essential workers across a range of sectors. They are working in our food stores, within public transport and media, they’re within cleaning, sanitation and security services, at our pharmacies and banks, they’re helping bury our loved ones and take care of far more within the healthcare sector. Queer people have always done care work and yet, they are often the first to be forgotten or pushed aside.

I was able to speak to three queer medical practitioners to hear about their experiences working during this time; just how it is that our community is uniquely affected within a pandemic and how they’re coping with that.

Buhle Radebe*, a nurse at a public hospital in Johannesburg is a queer woman who lives with her mother and brother, notes how fortunate she feels to be in close quarters with a family that is completely accepting of her sexual identity.

“Some people are lucky to have homes that are allow for their full expression. Unfortunately, with schools closed many have had to leave residences and are now stuck in abusive spaces,” she says. Whether we are out or not, being in a lockdown period with a family that is unaccepting or oblivious to the person you are is immensely terrifying for many.

“They can’t be themselves entirely, having to change the way they speak or dress. They’re dying for this time to end so they can remove themselves from that space and environment. They can longer seek safety at school, work or with friends, there’s no easy way to preserve themselves.”

Dr. Anastacia Tomson, a medical doctor, author and activist is a trans woman in Cape Town. She notes that housing is a huge problem that she’s seen patients and queer individuals alike facing. This is definitely not a new conversation, the effects of COVID-19 add a different element to the frustrating experiences of queer people currently; the pandemic has worsened homelessness. Having a safe place to call home and having access to loved ones that understand their identities is not always the case.

“I think as with any socio-economic phenomenon it’s always the marginalised populations who are hit the hardest and not always in ways we even understand,” shared Anastacia. “The reason it’s so difficult right now is because we didn’t really recognise or pay enough attention to how lacking these structures were before the pandemic. So now we find ourselves in a space where we need them and don’t know where to start.”

While NGOs attempt to bridge the gaps between the needs of the community and the actual service government provides, this is a systemic issue. Worse still, even the services that the government does provide often result in incredibly traumatic experiences for queer individuals who are able to access them.

“This is the dilemma as a queer person, the majority of healthcare providers we go to are not necessarily going to be part of the community, they aren’t going to have the context, they aren’t going to have the understanding,” shared Anastacia.

Accessing general healthcare comes with immense trauma and red-tape that’s used to discriminate against the community. Trans-identifying individuals cannot access specialists they need as easily now, those without updated ID documents with affirming gender markers find this even more difficult. Many are dead-named, misgendered and treated condescendingly which becomes a greater problem when such a large part of the population cannot access healthcare because they’re aware of the trauma involved in doing so.

Many queer medical practitioners are having to work as much as possible in order to allow for access to medical services, across sectors. Aware of the unique challenges the community faces, these practitioners are working extra hard to ensure that queer people have access to and feel safe to seek necessary medical care.

Dr. Melusi Dhlamini, Clinical Executive at Marie Stopes South Africa and a medical doctor, is a queer man who is determined to ensure that all who need to access sexual and reproductive health and rights (SRHR) during the pandemic are able to. Reported (and legal) abortions for 2019 sat at 105000; one can only imagine how this number has plummeted during the pandemic, with so many having less access to services during lockdown.

“When lockdown started there was a feeling of SRHR not being essential. Every resource is being redirected for COVID. This is part of flattening the curve and I get that, but then what is deemed as essential? What is the cost once you delay an abortion? We have a limited amount of time, 20 weeks to work with. People don’t get the importance of this conversation,” he shared with me.

This time has forced doctors to be more innovative, which is exactly what Melusi did. He became the first South African doctor to complete an at-home abortion. While there was some pushback from providers who worried about safety, Melusi trained providers and did the first few himself. At the time of this interview, 28 May 2020, they had completed 257 at-home abortions and continue to receive over 20 calls a day from people who look to access this service.

“If you’re less than 9 weeks pregnant you call in and are screened to exclude anything that could put you at risk of having an ectopic pregnancy and whether you have medical conditions that would preclude you from getting an at-home abortion. Once that’s done we send you the medication or you can come collect. You are counselled on how the process will work, someone from Marie Stopes, available 24/7, is directed to you should you need guidance or questions.”

This service has allowed so many to access this service privately. It’s also reached areas that don’t have centres in them; places in the Northern Cape, Limpopo and Mpumalanga, especially.

The LGBTQIA+ community is disproportionately impacted by the various ways this pandemic has put additional strain on how the community is able to access healthcare in an already difficult system. Oftentimes we already have significantly lower health outcomes because of the discrimination we face and without medical aid this is exacerbated. Individuals within the community are encounter hyper-medicalisation as trans or intersex people, or have procedures done on them without their consent. Queer refugees cannot access medical care and face increasing risks when relocating to find safety. Additionally, many procedures that the queer community may need are deemed as non-urgent and postponed or cancelled during the pandemic.

Anastacia, whose work includes providing gender-affirming healthcare to trans patients, speaks on this overall impact. Patients are unwilling to come out to the medical rooms or clinic, and if they do travel it’s challenging due to lockdown restrictions. A lot of patients are struggling with their finances, a lot more don’t have secure housing and this makes life excruciatingly difficult.

“There’s a lot of uncertainty right now and that makes gender-affirming care more difficult to do. Many public sector clinics have had to restrict their operations because of the pandemic. We definitely know that gender-affirming healthcare is essential and scientifically it’s proven to improve life expectancy, quality of life, adverse outcomes, affects depression, anxiety, substance use, etc. You can’t make the argument that this work is not essential. There are many people who would like to use this pandemic as a reason to shut down access to queer healthcare services but I think it’s our responsibility as clinicians and activists not to let them do that.”

This has definitely been the experience of Melusi, who says that many hospitals and clinics have taken this time as a justification to stop prioritising abortions, even though the need has not subsided. He talks through the various situations he’s had to deal with since the beginning of lockdown.

“I was so upset when I called to a hospital in the Eastern Cape and found out they had only done 2 abortions in 2 months. They have 40 people on the waiting list, many who are already past 10 weeks. The head of the department had no plan. Pre-COVID this clinic would have patients lining up at 5am just to make sure they could access this service,” Melusi shared. “At Bara they only see 4 or 5 clients a day and the demand is huge. They have a working list and prioritised clients are around 20 weeks. So if you’re 12/13 weeks you’re going to wait until they have no choice but to squeeze you in. This is the reality of South African healthcare.”

This, indeed, is the reality of South African healthcare.

As a nurse, Buhle feels this reality in a completely different way than the doctors above. Nurses, as vital as they are to healthcare are often treated as unimportant. Within the public hospital where she works, nurses have seldomly been given information about procedures or what’s happening in the hospital. Her ward, paediatric medical, was changed into a COVID-19 ward with little to no information and they were simply told they would now be testing patients; this occurred with them barely having access to sufficient Personal Protective Equipment (PPE).

“They were dishonest about the first suspect COVID patient we had. At the time we didn’t have PPE at all, there weren’t even masks because people were stealing things. Alcohol sanitiser was being stolen, on Monday we had 20 boxes but by Friday there were only 6,” Buhle recollected. “I told them they can’t put us at risk like that. Granted, it’s our jobs to take care of patients but at the end of the day our health must come first as well. At the end of the day we go back to our families, most of my colleagues are married with kids. I live with my mother and my brother is back from school. My mother has a heart condition so I said no, I’m not going to put my mother at risk like that.”

This isn’t just in this hospital, as confirmed by Melusi. Healthcare workers all across the country are having to deal with levels of dishonesty that pose a huge risk for them.

“One of my friends working in Pretoria was simply told, ‘You’re not seeing psychiatric clients anymore, you’re doing COVID work. Thanks, bye.’ There was a lot of uproar. They received no training. People who work in psych wards don’t usually touch patients and now they’re being made to test people without training.”

There’s a high level of frustration that then affects the quality of work done as well as the morale within their jobs. These are some of the factors that can easily lead to incorrect results; how good can a specimen be when sent to the lab if there’s knowledge lacking in how to collect it.

“A friend who usually works with rape victims was told that they would be seeing less of these clients and they’d be working in roadblocks to help with testing from now on. They were also not trained, simply thrown in the deep end. You are just told, there’s no discussion, even with people with conditions and diseases that put them at risk for contracting COVID. No screening was done to ensure that they wouldn’t be putting their lives at risk.”

The strain on healthcare workers is not new, but has grown exponentially in the time of COVID-19. There’s fear, anxiety and uncertainty.

“We don’t know when things are going to get really bad, we’re not even there yet, Anastacia shared. “It’s now a lot more difficult to maintain boundaries and leave work at the office. It just hasn’t been possible. Over the past two months more than ever in recent memory my work has been slipping outside of office hours and I have to attend to patients and check on them after hours. It becomes a challenge. At the same time it’s the realisation that a lot of the coping measures that we use in our day-to-day lives have also been denied to us in this lockdown process.”

Anastacia touches on an incredibly important note here, the use of substances, tends to be higher amongst queer populations. The adversity so many of us face in our personal lives, with family or loved ones, co-workers and complete strangers, pushes many to find various coping mechanism. “Whether they’re deemed healthy or not, they become necessary for survival. Now being denied access to that can be a significant challenge.”

The impact of this pandemic on LGBTQIA+ is continuously expanding beyond what we know. Housing, food and financial security are priorities, with mental healthcare opening up more questions about accessibility. We have always created our own communities and support structures and now many are completely cut off from those, unable to interact with friends and acquaintances outside of home to feel understood and supported. The effects on mental health are numerous and we’re only going to be aware of the overall impact as time goes by. Those without access to smart phones and affordable internet are not even able to access virtual mental health services right now.

Buhle notes that more holistic support structures are necessary. Nurses working with COVID patients are not receiving proper PPE or a danger allowance (an additional sum of money given to workers in high-risk environments) and she they can’t afford medical aid to be able to go for therapy. She notes that the issue needs to be addressed systemically, “They may give you that allowance but if you do catch COVID and, god forbid, you die that allowance stops. It’s given to you for the time you’re working within the ward. So yes, give us money but we need support as well. If I die what does my family do after?”

“This is a crisis,” Melusi shares. “Workers are kept in the dark when there are cases of COVID, people are sent to do testing without training, wards and whole hospitals are closing, workers are not showing up to work because of these issues and work morale is incredibly low.”

So what exactly can be done within our own communities?

“Now is the time to build community-based resources where we figure out how to support this community and upskill our people so that we can provide ourselves with these services,” Anastacia said. “In order for someone to be able to get mental health assistance, we need the financial access, we need someone to be available to assist. That person needs some degree of training and fair compensation.”

Mutual aid is not a new solution for our communities. We’ve been denied the opportunities, education, training and development so long that we felt it was best to invest in ourselves.

Anastacia places great importance on this, “I think maybe this should really serve as the pivot for us to recognise that now is our wake up call, that we have to start building and growing and developing those resources that have within our own community so not to fall by the wayside. We also have to look after ourselves.”

These healthcare workers do phenomenal and often underappreciated work for the community and their role in ensuring accessible healthcare is undeniable. Our community is uniquely affected by this pandemic, battling access combined with prejudice; it is natural to wonder how we can create systems of mutual aid and development of shared resources for the community. I leave you with this: what do queer futures look like and what can we do where we are, with what we have to inch closer to futures where we are prioritised?

*Pseudonym used to preserve the interviewee’s anonymity

This article was commissioned by GALA as part of the Queer Lockdown project, with the support of SAIH (Norwegian Students’ and Academics’ International Assistance Fund).

Best Books on Pregnancy Reviews

Preferred Pregnancy Books There are many pregnancy books on the market and below you will find some of my favorites along with links to access these for purchase. As any pregnant mom will tell you these guides are designed to be there for reassurance that almost everything is OK and YOUR pregnancy is on track. If you are interested in understanding how your unborn child is developing each week and you want to know what is actually happening with the changes in YOUR own body than these books can be excellent resources along the way. Examine these reviews of the best pregnancy books around and choose a guide or two that will go with you on your process from conception through labor and eventually the welcome birthing event! What to Expect When You're Expecting, 4th edition simply by Heidi Murkoff and Sharon Mazel A perennial New York Times bestseller and one of USA Today's 25 the majority of influential books. It's read by more than 90% of pregnant women who read a pregnancy book. Featuring a innovative look, a fresh perspective, and a friendlier-than-ever voice. Filled with up-to-date information reflecting not only what's new in pregnancy, nevertheless what's relevant to pregnant women. Detailed week-by-week fetal development section in the monthly chapters, an expanded chapter on pre-conception, and a brand new one on carrying multiples. Overflowing with tips, helpful hints, and humor (a pregnant woman's best friend), this new edition is more accessible and easier to use than ever before. New Active Birth by Janet Balaskas A pregnancy book that enables you to have the active birth you want. With this book, you can learn to develop all your body resources to deal with the instinctive experience of childbirth. Fully updated and extended with new information - including Mineral water Birth and Recovery After Birth. It offers prenatal and postnatal exercises with step by step photographs. It presents find section covering every aspect of Active Birth at home and in the hospital. Birth Stories by Katrina O'Brien Discuss other women's birth stories with this pregnancy book that tells you like it is. From natural birth at home to help you unexpected birth in the outdoors to planned Caesareans, these touchingly personal and funny tales illustrate how the method to arrival is less important than the love the child finds when it finally arrives. The Mother of All Pregnancy Catalogs: The Ultimate Guide to Conception, Birth and Everything In Between by Ann Douglas The ultimate guide to conception, delivery, and everything in between. Unlike all those other bossy, tell-you-what-to-do titles, this funny, entertaining guide presents parents with facts on such hot topics as pain relief during labor, episiotomy, and circumcision, and empowers them to get informed personal choices. It's packed with tools you won't find anywhere else, including: Up the Duff by Kaz Cooke That pregnancy bible gives you the low-down on pregnancy and birth. Lots of factual information about the babies growth, things know about expect etc . Absolutely hilarious. Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy by Mayo Clinic Would-be mothers in need of precise, accurate information from a reputable source will appreciate this pregnancy guide from the celebrated Mayo Clinic. 7 days by week accounts of the baby's development, entries on how pregnancy can be affected by dozens of previous health conditions (such since HIV and diabetes), self-care tips for side effects like nausea and back pain, sidebars that explain the change between identical and fraternal twins, etc . charts that indicate how to handle "troublesome signs and symptoms" during just about every three-week period. Another stellar feature is the book's even-handed series of "decision guides, " which help parents make people hard (and even guilt-inducing) choices about breastfeeding, circumcision and whether or not to go back to work. Your Pregnancy Bible by way of Dr Anne Deans This pregnancy book gives practical and reassuring advice during pregnancy. Written by a company of specialists, filled with everything parents need to know about the optimum environment for a developing baby and safeguarding the mother. That book contains special fold-out sections on each of the trimesters and the birth process, week-by-week images of the developing newborn baby, sympathetically illustrated chapters dealing with all aspects of pre-natal care, labor preparation, delivery experiences and care of the new child, as well as comprehensive reference sections on medical treatments and procedures in both pregnancy and the post-natal period. Conception, Pregnant state and Birth by Dr Miriam Stoppard A comprehensive pregnancy guide to everything from conception to birth. Widely recognised as the definitive guide to pregnancy and childbirth. Stunning photography and information covers the latest developments in pregnant state and birth, from up-to-date research on how your stress levels can affect your unborn baby to developments in providing your baby. Miriam Stoppard, MD is one of today's most popular medical personalities and has published over 40 titles. Providing the Bump by Lisa Neal A pregnancy book that clearly outlines pregnancy nutrition. Divided chronologically inside pre-conception, first, second and third trimesters and postpartum/breast-feeding. Provides women with all the information they need about their own not to mention their unborn child's nutritional requirements and the best way to fulfill them. Tried and true remedies for common complaints such as day sickness and heartburn, along with more than 100 easy-to-follow and absolutely delicious recipes. This is a must-have resource for all a lot of women wanting to maximize their unborn child's health, and their own, through what they eat. Belly Laughs: The Nude Truth about Pregnancy and Childbirth by Jenny McCarthy McCarthy applies her in-your-face manner and blue laughs to the subject of pregnancy and childbirth in this little piece of fun. She recounts her journey to being a mother with utter abandon; discussing topics that those other books tend to treat too gently, such as enemas, pubic hair growth, and sex in the ninth month. Women who find these topics too embarrassing to bring up now take over a place to read about them in a frank and open discussion. Like a gossipy girlfriend, McCarthy brings you within and makes you laugh; there's a certain comfort in knowing that even a sex symbol gets stretch marks and balloons so that you can 200 pounds during pregnancy. Bonding with Your Bump by Dr Miriam Stoppard A guide-book about falling gets interested your baby before birth. Presents advice and guidance on how to fall in love with your baby before birth. Building that special connection with your baby starts before birth. Forming a close, early bond can make a real difference to your baby's wellbeing, ones feelings as a parent and in creating a loving environment for when baby arrives. up-to-the-minute research with ignited and compassionate wisdom explains why mother-baby bonding is so vital. Learn to understand and cherish your unborn baby. This approach book guides you through this extraordinary time: from hearing your baby's heartbeat for the first time, to the primary magical days post birth. The Pregnancy Bible: Your Complete Guide to Pregnancy and Early Parenthood Writers: Joanne Stone MD, Keith Eddleman MD The Pregnancy Bible covers the complete sequence of fetal development around utero week by week. Full color photography with many life-size photos which are reproduced from state-of-the-art ultrasound graphics. Written in an easy-to-understand style that will especially appeal to first-time parents. With 300, 000 copies sold, it is the a lot of attractive and complete guide to this important event in parents' lives. Includes authoritative information about the latest developments having an effect on the well-being of an expectant mother and her baby. Specifically, these include: New CDC recommendations about mercury and species of fish Update on nuchal translucency screening Update on screening for genetic disorders Updated information about loss rates when amniocentesis New information about 3D/4D ultrasound Recent trends in cesarean delivery "on demand" Update on Downs issue screening. The Natural Way to a Better Pregnancy by Naish & Roberts An easy-to-follow pregnancy guide to pre-conception health and wellbeing. Did you know that the food you eat, the environment you live in and the lifestyle you lead in the months before you conceive a child may have a profound effect on the wellbeing of your baby? Preconception health care, as outlined in this book, can prevent miscarriage, premature and stillbirths, congenital abnormalities and has a better than 80 per cent success rate in the treatment of infertility. Did you know that by following its simple principles, you can actively help ensure your baby will be content and alert, don't suffer from colic, feeding problems or other common ailments, and will be less likely to suffer from allergies, asthma or conduct problems? Complete, easy-to-follow guide to preconception health for BOTH prospective parents. Written by a Naturopath, herbalist, hypnotist and bestselling author who runs Australia's only clinic dedicated to helping people conceive happy, healthy babies the natural way. The Complete Book of Pregnancy and Childbirth by Sheila Kitzinger One of the most celebrated British authors on the sociological and also anthropological aspects of birth, breast feeding, and early parenthood. This book guides readers seeking a woman-centered rise experience through the newly researched alternatives now available. five major sections: Early Weeks, Physical and Emotional Changes, Expecting the Birth, the Experience of Birth, and You and Your Newborn, Candid information about what mothers need to know, ranging from ways to traverse the technical landscape of hospital births to making the personal choices of a water home birth. Encourages people to construct a birth plan, make their own space, and choose an effective birth companion. With revised appendices plus 300 updated photographs, drawings, and diagrams, this guide is a valuable resource for all. The Working Woman's Motherhood Book by Marjorie Greenfield Dr . Marjorie Greenfield draws from her experiences as an obstetrician and working parents and from more than a hundred interviews with mothers ranging from factory workers to high-powered attorneys, to create a unique aid for working women. This up-to-date guide addresses all the subjects you would expect to find in an authoritative book with pregnancy plus issues of special concern to the 60 to 80 percent of women who hold work opportunities during their pregnancies: Is my workplace safe for my developing baby? When should I tell my employer i am expecting? How can I handle the discomforts of pregnancy when I need to work? What laws will protect people when I take medical leave? The 100 Healthiest Foods to Eat During Pregnancy: The Surprising Unbiased Truth approximately Foods You Should be Eating During Pregnancy but Probably Aren't by Jonny Bowden PH. D. C. N. Ohydrates., Allison Tannis MS Eat the best foods for your baby's development! Nutrition is never more critical than at the time of pregnancy. What you choose to put on your plate affects you and your baby's health not just in utero but for a long time. Backed up by the latest nutritional research, this guide debunks pregnancy food myths and uncovers a number of surprising foodstuff choices that are superfoods for expectant mothers. This one-of-a-kind nutrition reference guide is also packed with helpful quick-reference charts as well as sidebars, highlighting healthy (but no less delicious! ) substitutes for commonly craved foods like ice cream and potato chips. You'll also discover the most up-to-date research regarding pregnancy dilemmas, such as how to get more omega-3s from fish in what you eat while avoiding mercury. Its pregnancy nutrition made easy! Babycare Before Birth by Zita West A motherhood book that shares the wisdom of a fertility expert and midwife. Bringing together fascinating new research that illustrates during pregnancy a woman can make a dramatic difference to her unborn baby's health, well-being, development, and all-round future potential by making small adjustments to her diet and lifestyle, this amazing book explains how to give your baby cheapest start in life. What to Expect: Eating Well When You're Expecting by Heidi Murkoff Provides moms-to-be with a realistic method to navigating healthily and deliciously through the nine months of pregnancy-at home, in the office, over the holidays, in restaurants. Comprehensive chapters are devoted to nutrition, weight gain, food safety, the postpartum diet, and how to eat when looking to conceive again. 150 contemporary, tasty, and healthy recipes that feed mom and baby well, take little while to prepare, and are gentle on queasy tummies. Comes with a light, reader-friendly tone while delivering the most up-to-date information. Things know about Expect Before You're Expecting by Heidi Murkoff In the same fresh, contemporary voice that has made the fourth edition of What to Expect When You're Expecting so successful, Murkoff explains the whys and wherefores of getting your system ready for pregnancy, including pregnancy prep for both moms and dads to be. Filled with information on exercise, diet, pinpointing ovulation, lifestyle, workplace, and insurance changes you'll want to consider, and how to keep your relationship strong when you're focused on baby producing all the time. There are tips for older couples; when to look for help from a fertility specialist--including the latest on fertility drugs together with procedures--plus a complete fertility planner. Eating for Pregnancy: The Essential Nutrition Guide and Cookbook for Today's Mothers-to-Be by means of Catherine Jones, Rose Ann Hudson A volume that combines both recipes and nutritional advice aimed especially at the mother-to-be. Balancing optimum and unnecessary weight gain with the required dietary needs for a healthy lifestyle. Covers the requirements of diabetic, vegetarian and vegan diets. A chapter is dedicated to the vegetarian diet. Each department contains recommended pantry items for the recipes. Makes full use of convenience and semi-prepared ingredients to provide simple nevertheless flavorful dishes. Advice on vitamins, health hazards and goals. Each recipe is preceded with the nutritional goal for little one and mother-to-be and followed by tips for cooking, storage, health, special diets as well as complete meal ideas, variations along with the approximate nutritional content. The Natural Pregnancy Book: Herbs, Nutrition, & Other Holistic Choices by Aviva Jill Romm M. D. Reading this book is like having your own personal herbalist and midwife at your side. One of the first catalogs to explore botanical medicine and pregnancy. Follows the woman's journey from conception to birth, focusing on natural well being. Describes herbs that can promote and maintain a healthy pregnancy (along with those you should avoid during your term) and the principles of a healthy diet, with an emphasis on natural foods. Complete guide for the woman who envisions a safe pregnancy without the need of technological intervention, as nature intended.

Boundaries (Liam x MC)

Summary: Kendall and Liam have a heart to heart about the pressures of the throne and the duties that come with being queen.

A/N: Umm......I am a major TRR fangirl, but the writing for The Royal Heir is a bit...intense. So I just had to write something. My MC’s name is Kendall Mason.

Trigger Warning: Mentions of fertility issues/pregnancy loss. Readers discretion advised.

Kendall knew being the Queen was going to be difficult. Dealing with the people at court, the citizens of Valtoria, all of the people of Cordonia, and foreign royalty and dignitaries was a lot, but she handled it well. After a photo leaking scandal, a conspiracy plot orchestrated by the former king, and multiple kidnapping and assassination attempts, there wasn’t much that could rattle her.

Except the pressure of producing an heir to the throne.

Kendall knew she and Liam were expected to have a baby as soon as possible, but the pressure to conceive started on their honeymoon. And the pressure only got worse. Everyone in Cordonia became so invasive and acted as if they were her OB/GYN, giving unnecessary and unwanted advice and opinions. But she took it all in stride, smiling enthusiastically and thanking everyone nonetheless.

Three months into their marriage, they found out that she was 6 weeks pregnant. To say they were excited was a complete understatement. Kendall was afraid Liam’s heart would actually explode from too much happiness. They agreed to keep it a secret for a while, with only Kendall’s obstetrician being privy to the news. They wanted to have some time to themselves, before the rest of Cordonia found out.

But a few short weeks later, Kendall awoke to a pool of blood in their bed, and unbearable stomach pain. After discreetly making their way to the hospital and running a few tests, Dr. Ramirez came back with the sad news: they lost the baby.

She was very sweet and said all the right things. “It wasn’t your fault, Your Majesty, sometimes these things are predetermined at conception. You’re in perfect health, you and King Liam can start trying again as soon as next month.”

Kendall only knew about the pregnancy for less than a month, but that didn’t ease the hurt. It was her baby and she wanted it so badly.

She and Liam didn’t spend much time grieving though. They were the king and queen, the country needed them to be strong and united. They threw themselves into work and decided that they would just keep trying once the doctor gave them the go-ahead.

That was a year ago, and Kendall still wasn’t pregnant.

It didn’t help that everyone was constantly reminding her of that. Every time she drank or didn’t drink at a party, every time she wore a loose fitting blouse, every time she ate sushi, people were whispering and staring. The faux-sympathetic frowns and sugary sweet tones people took on as they said, “So you still aren’t pregnant?” It was all annoying. 

And tonight was no exception. Kendall was hosting a grand party at her home in Valtoria to celebrate the upcoming nuptials of Olivia and Drake. And while she usually loved hosting a big party and being lauded for her impressive hostess skills, she didn’t like being gossip fodder. But she was trying to stay positive and above the fray, because the night wasn’t about her, it was about Olivia and Drake.

“I gotta hand it to you, Mason, you know how to throw a party,” Drake said enthusiastically. He and Kendall were standing next to the bar that had been set up in one of the far corners of the ballroom.

“You aren’t that hard to please,” Kendall said with a laugh. “A Drake Walker party only needs two things: whiskey and red meat.”

Drake gestured to the plate of ribs he was holding, “And you nailed it on both accounts! You even managed to make Olivia happy, a rare feat.”

Olivia had been overjoyed when Kendall set up an axe-throwing area on the back grounds of the estate. Drake had to pull her away after a solid 45 minutes.

“She’s not that hard to read either.”

“Well thank you,” Drake said. “This party is amazing.”

“It’s missing a sword sharpening station, but I suppose it’s okay,” another voice cut in. Drake and Kendall turned around and saw Olivia standing behind them.

Kendall rolled her eyes. “You know you love it.”

Olivia opened her mouth to retort, but she nodded. “I do. Thank you.”

“Well, who would’ve thought that you two would ever get together, much less engaged? I had to go all out.”

Drake sling his arm around Olivia’s waist and pulled her into his side, dropping a kiss on her temple. Olivia tried to break away, but Drake held on tight. He knew she secretly loved the PDA, despite how much she pretended to protest.

A server walked by, holding a tray of wine. It was the same sparkling wine Kendall and Liam served at their wedding. Plucking a glass off of the tray, Kendall lifted it to the couple in salute. “If you two will excuse me, I should go mingle. Enjoy the rest of your party!”

On the other side of the ballroom, Kendall spotted Hana, Bertrand, and Liam talking. Sending her presence, Liam looked up and locked eyes with Kendall. He gave her a small wink. Before she could make a beeline to where they were, she was stopped by an elderly woman. She was short, wore a bright red shawl and chunky jewelry, and had her hair wrapped into a tight bun at the base of her neck. The woman grabbed Kendall by the wrist, catching her by surprise.

“Hello,” Kendall greeted. “Can I help you with something?”

“No, but I think I can help you, Your Majesty.”

“I don’t–”

“My name is Calista, and I’m a local herbalist.”

“Oh. Well, it’s nice to meet you, Calista.”

“You’re so pretty, dearie,” Calista complimented, gently patting the young queen on her hand.

“Thank you, you’re too kind.”

“I’m sure the king can’t keep his hands off of you most of the time.”

Kendall was taken aback by the older woman’s brazenness. A few people standing around not-so-subtly lowered their voices or stopped talking altogether, hoping to be able to catch a snippet of the conversation.

She stammered for a bit, at a total loss for words. Did this woman, a stranger, really attempt to strike up a conversation about her sex life with Liam? In public?

“Now, I’ve noticed that you and the King are still not with child. Not even just me, everyone has.”

Kendall dug her nails into the palm of her hand, trying to keep herself calm. “Well yes but–”

“I have the perfect solution for you!” Calista cut in, excitedly. Reaching into her bag, she pulled out two tiny tin cans and handed them to Kendall.

“What is this?” Kendall asked, confused.

“This one,” Calista tapped on the tin can in Kendall’s right hand, “is a detox tea. You probably can’t get pregnant because lord only knows what kind of toxins and impurities are in your system right now.”

“Excuse me?”

“This will clean you right out, and get your body into optimal baby making help,” Calista continued, completely oblivious to the fact that Kendall was not enjoying this conversation at all. “And this one is my own special fertility tea. I’ve been making it for over 40 years, and have had nothing but success. It has raspberry, cinnamon, chamomile, and a few other secret ingredients I can’t give out. It's a fool-proof combination. If this doesn’t get you pregnant within a month, then you might be a lost cause.”

She could hear a few ladies in the background gasp and snicker at the dig. In that moment, she became acutely aware of the people around her. The way she was being openly mocked, the way a random noblewoman whispering to her friend.

“God, how tragically embarrassing is this scene? This crazy old bat accosting Kendall like this?”

“Hell, I’m all for it if it can make Kendall actually do her job and get pregnant.”

Kendall wanted to turn around and tell those women to address her by her proper title and to get the fuck out of her house, but she didn’t even have to time gather her thoughts because they started talking again.

“He should’ve just stayed with Madeleine.”

“Karina, you’re horrible!

“What? You and I both know she’s an overachiever and would’ve been pregnant by now. With twins!”

The women dissolved into a fit of giggles and Kendall felt the sting of tears behind her eyes. Trying not to cause a scene and give the people more of a reason to talk, she simply turned around and walked out of the ballroom, ignoring her guests. 

Across the ballroom, Liam looked through the crowd of people, expecting to see his wife walk towards him. Instead he saw her hastily turn to leave and practically run out of the room.

“Where’s Kendall going?” He asked, watching her leave.

“Who knows,” Hana said with a shrug. “She’s the hostess, she’s probably being pulled in a million different directions.”

“Oh yes,” Bertrand agreed. “I remember the days of throwing extravagant balls at that Beaumont estate. No matter how much you do, there’s always more to be done. You never get the chance to actually enjoy the party. And I can’t imagine the pressure of having to throw a party in Olivia’s honor.”

Liam nodded. That made sense, but he still wanted to see for himself. He smiled at his two friends. “If you two will excuse me, I’ll go find her and see if I can be of any assistance.”

He quickly weaved through the throngs of people, trying to keep up Kendall. She was moving a lot faster than he anticipated. “Kendall?”

She just ignored him and kept walking. She walked into their master suite, slamming the door behind her.

He opened the door to their bedroom, but he didn’t see Kendall anywhere. “Kendall?” Scanning the bedroom, he saw the double doors leading to the balcony were open.

After closing and locking the door, he stepped out onto the balcony. Kendall was out there, leaning over the edge, overlooking the view.

“Kendall, darling, I’ve been following and calling out for you. You didn’t notice?” Kendall turned around and saw tears streaming down her face. “Kendall! Why are you crying, my love?”

Kendall shook her head, as if she was willing herself to not cry. “Nothing, it’s nothing.”

“Clearly it’s something,” Liam argued. He closed the gap between them and cradled her face between his hands. “What’s wrong?”

“I was heading over to talk to you in the ballroom over and some lady stopped me, and segwayed into a very inappropriate conversation about our lack of children. She all but told me that my body is some sort of toxic wasteland and that I was a lost cause, and she gave me some of her shitty laxative tea.”

“She said that to you?”

“Not in those exact words, no. I was paraphrasing. I probably could’ve handled it if she wasn’t so public and obnoxious. I could see everyone around us laughing at me. Someone even said you should’ve stayed with Madeleine because she would’ve produced an heir by now.”

Liam’s eyes darkened. “Who said that?”

“I don’t know, some aristocrat. It doesn’t matter, because I’m sure she’s not the only one who’s thinking about it.”

“Surely you aren’t buying into such ridiculous drivel.” Kendall didn’t reply. “Kendall…”

“You have no idea what it’s like, Liam, the pressure isn’t on you, it’s on me. It’s hard to stay above the fray and not buy into the drivel as you do put it. The invasiveness, the entitlement, it’s overwhelming. These people don’t even see me as a human being anymore, I’m just an incubator. My “duty” is to give you an heir, and I haven’t done it yet, so the respect for me is at an all time low. They see me as worthless, as a bad investment. Never mind the fact that I’ve already been pregnant and lost a baby. Never mind the fact that I’ve completely changed my diet and exercise routine, and I don’t drink caffeine anymore, and I’ve made my doctor test every reproductive organ that I have. And on top of all of that, I still have to be the queen. I still attend every council meeting, every gala, every royal tour. But hell, they probably wouldn’t even care if they knew. They’d still see me as a failure. I’m doing the best that I can, but my best is good enough.”

Liam wrapped his arms around Kendall’s waist and pulled her into a tight embrace. He could feel her tears soaking through his shirt, but he didn’t care. “I’m so sorry you feel like that.”

“Trust, no one is more aware than me of the fact that I haven’t successfully produced an heir,” Kendall continued. “I don’t need to be beat over the head with it.”

Liam pulled away from the hug, and instead grabbed Kendall’s small hand in his larger one. He gently tugged until they were walking back into their room. Once they made it to the bed, he sat down. “Lay down.”

“Excuse me?”

“Lay down,” Liam repeated.

“Liam, we have over 150 guests in our ballroom right now, I’m not going to bed.”

“I don’t care about the guests. I don’t care about you being the hostess, the duchess, or the queen right now. So can you please get in bed?”

After a mini stare down, Kendall humored her husband and got in the bed. He took her feet and gently placed them into his lap, unbuckling the strappy heels and tossing them to the floor.

“Hey, those are Jimmy Choo!”

Liam lifted one of her legs and dropped a kiss onto her ankle. “If they’re ruined, I’ll buy you another pair, my love.”

“I’ll hold you to that.”

Liam carefully moved her feet out of his lap. He crawled to the top of the bed where Kendall was laying and pulled her in to him, her head landing on his chest. He gently threaded his fingers through her long dark hair, stopping at the base of her head to massage her scalp.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, not saying anything, just enjoying each other’s company.

“I’m sorry,” Liam said, breaking the silence. “I hate that you’ve been under such stress and that you don’t feel supported by the people around us.”

“You don’t have anything to apologize for.”

“I do. In theory, I know how difficult the first year is for a new queen. And even though you’re doing a brilliant job, I should’ve made you feel more comfortable, especially after the miscarriage. I should’ve eased the pressure because you were thrown into the deep end and you’re feeling it from every angle right now.”

“It’s not your fault. I wanted to throw myself into work. I didn’t want to dwell on that.”

“I love you, Kendall Juliette Mason. I love you more than anything else, more than anyone else. You are my entire world, and there’s nothing you can do that will ever change that.”

“Nothing?”

“Nothing,” Liam confirmed. “You’re the love of my life. And if you ever feel overwhelmed or pressured by anyone, come to me. But I’ll also check in more. Does that sound fair?”

Kendall nodded. “Yes.”

“And we’re taking a break, from this whole baby making thing.”

“What?” Kendall propped herself up by her elbows and looked at her husband. “We can do that?”

“We’re the king and queen.”

“Exactly.”

“I love you, and your health and well-being are my only priority. I don’t need you running yourself into the ground because Cordonia is demanding an heir. And if it’s meant to happen, we will have them when the time is right. You need to take the pressure off of yourself.”

“Easier said than done.”

“I know. But I’ll help you in whatever way I can. So for six months, how about we just be a regular newlywed couple. No more of you eating a diet you clearly hate, no more ovulation calendars, no more extremely regulated sex.”

“You’d really be okay with that? With putting a pause on the family planning?”

“Yes,” Liam answered, not a hint of hesitation in his voice. 

Kendall couldn’t even begin to describe the relief that rolled through her body at her husband’s words. If felt like a 50 pound weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss on Liam’s lips. “I love you,” she said after pulling away.

“I love you more, my queen,” Liam replied with a warm smile. “Now, I say we end this party, send everyone on their way, and curl into bed and watch one of those silly American reality tv-shows you love so much.”

Kendall broke out into a grin. “That sounds perfect.”

~~/~~

The next morning, Kendall woke up to the soft sunlight streaming through the windows and not her usual alarm clock. Rolling over, instead of finding Liam beside her, she was met with the cold sheets. Sitting up, she noticed that his side of the bed was fully made up and he was nowhere to be found.

She did notice a fresh newspaper sitting on her bedside table. Picking it up, the first thing she noticed was a picture of Liam. The headline read: King Liam Issues Warning About Privacy

From the communications office of His Majesty, King Liam:

Hello my fellow Cordonians. 

I know this is a bit unorthodox, but I thought writing my thoughts down would be better than struggling to speak about them.

First off, I just want to say thank you for all of the support regarding my ascension to the throne and subsequent marriage to my beautiful wife, Her Majesty, Queen Kendall. The support of our people means more to us than you could possibly know.

But it has become increasingly apparent that lines have been crossed and boundaries have been disrespected. As public figures and public people, Queen Kendall and I know all too well that our lives require a certain level of give and take between ourselves and the public. And we fully understand that the Cordonian people are eagerly awaiting the news of an heir to the throne. While the eagerness is respected and reciprocated on our part as well, some things have gone too far. The excitement has turned into gossip and downright bullying. Above all else, the Queen is a human being who deserves the same basic decency and right to privacy that is awarded to all Cordonian citizens. The decision to start a family is a deeply personal one, no matter your station in life, and the Queen has been unjustly stripped of that, even more so than I. 

Let it be known, that I will absolutely not tolerate the continued disrespect and harassment of my wife, be it from our courtiers, nobles, the press, or the general public. And until we make a formal announcement ourselves, the topic of whether or not Queen Kendall and I are expecting a baby is no longer up for public discussion, and it is non negotiable.  

Thank you for taking the time to read my open letter, and I hope my warning is heeded in the immediate future.

Sincerely,

Liam, King of Cordonia

“Good morning, Sleeping Beauty.”

Kendall looked up from the newspaper and saw Liam standing in their doorway, leaning against the frame.

She held up the newspaper. “You did this?”

“I did.”

“When?”

“After all of our guests left and you fell asleep,” Liam answered. “And the editor of the Cordonian Times wasn’t going to say no to an exclusive from the King.”

“You really did all of that for me?”

Liam stepped fully into the room, shutting the door behind him. “Kendall, I’d bring you the stars in the sky if I could. I hope what I wrote was okay. I should’ve consulted you on it first, but I was so worked up last night I just needed to–”

Kendall jumped out of the bed and practically flung herself at Liam, wrapping her legs around his waist. She pulled him into a searing kiss, her fingers interlocking at the back of his neck.

“Thank you,” Kendall said sincerely. “What you wrote is more than okay, it’s perfect.”

“You’re very welcome. Now, I have one more surprise for you.”

“You’re just spoiling me.”

“You deserve to be spoiled.”

“Okay, what's this new surprise?”

“It took a lot of maneuvering, but you and I are going to spend one glorious week on the island where we spent our honeymoon.”

“What? Are you serious?”

Liam chuckled. Whenever Kendall got too excited, her New York accent came out. He thought it was adorable. “Yes. Our amazing council will hold down the fort in our absence, as will Regina, if they need any additional assistance. Everyone is under strict instructions to not contact us unless this country is burning to the ground.”

Kendall smiled. “What did I do to deserve such an amazing husband?”

“You’re the amazing one. I’m just following your lead.”

“When do we leave?”

“Tonight.”

“Tonight? Oh my goodness, you really don’t give a girl much notice!”

Liam watched in amusement as Kendall ran to their spacious walk-in closet, gathering clothes to pack.

“Hey, Kendall?” He called, causing her to stop in her tracks.

She looked up. “Yes?”

“I love you.”

“I love you more,” Kendall said softly.

“Not possible.”

Updating Some Fascist Bullshit on the Trump Pandemic

The following timeline has been posted on several fascist website as proof that Trump has been doing a good job in protecting America from the Trump Pandemic or COVID19. By my account and research I believe that 54% of it is false or misleading. So I went though it and added some key missing information. The original postings have the American date stamps and my research and comments are in italics and European date stamps

Here is the factual timeline for the Trump administration's handling of COVID-19. Might want to keep this handy...

Dec 31: China announces they are investigating a “pneumonia outbreak” in Wuhan

1 January 20 – CDC to check flights from Wuhan to downplay SARS rumors

3 January 20 – CDC is alerted to the Wuhan pneumonia

3 January 20 – Trump learns about COVID19 from intelligence officials

3 January 20 – Trump holds a rally in Miami

4 January 20 – Trump plays golf

4 January 20 – WHO reports on social media that there is a cluster of pneumonia cases with no deaths in Wuhan

5 January 20 – WHO publishes a technical paper on what China has reported about the cluster

5 January 20 – WHO begins to monitor the outbreak

5 January 20 – Trump plays golf

6 January 20 – WHO reports that China tells them there is no evidence of human to human transmission and that SARS is not virus

Jan 6: CDC issues travel advisory for Wuhan. (this is wrong it was a travel NOTICE) (There is a difference between a notice and an official advisory.)

Jan 7: CDC established an Incident Management System (just 7 days later) (The CDC can do this without a president telling them to)

8 January 20 – CDC issues an official health advisory about COVID-19

9 January 20 – Trump goes to rally

10 January 20 - Former Trump Homeland Security Advisor Tom Bossert warns that we shouldn’t “jerk around with ego politics” because “we face a global health threat…Coordinate!”

Jan 11: CDC tweets about corona related “pneumonia outbreak in China” Jan 14: WHO Tells Everyone Don’t Worry Because China Says Coronavirus is NOT Contagious (This is false WHO warns that this new virus could spread and warns hospitals worldwide.)

14 January 20 – Trump goes to a rally Jan 17: CDC sent 100+ staffers to specific US airports to screen travelers who have been in Wuhan (only to three airports in NY & CA)

18 January 20 - After two weeks of attempts, HHS Secretary Alex Azar finally gets the chance to speak to Trump about the virus. The president redirects the conversation to vaping.

18 January 20 – Trump plays golf

19 January 20 – Trump plays golf

19 January 20 – first US case is confirmed Jan 21: CDC activated its Emergency Operations Center (just 3 weeks later) Jan 21: First case in US for someone who traveled directly from Wuhan.

21 January 20 – China confirms human to human transmission of Wuhan virus, WHO announces emergency meeting.

21 January 20 - Dr. Nancy Messonnier, the director of the National Center for Immunization and Respiratory Disease at the CDC tells reporters, “We do expect additional cases in the United States.”

22 January 20 – a reporter asks if there are “worries about a pandemic” Trump’s response; “No. Not at all. And we have it totally under control. It’s one person coming in from China, and we have it under control. It’s – going to be just fine.”

22/23 January 20 – WHO Emergency Committee tries to “assess whether the outbreak constituted an” international “public health emergency. Independent members from around the world could not reach a consensus based upon the evidence available at the time.” Jan 23: WHO again says NO human to human transmission outside of China. (Completely false, see January 21 statement)

24 January 20 – Trump tweet: China has been working very hard to contain the Coronavirus. The United States greatly appreciates their efforts and transparency. It will all work out will. In particular, on behalf of the American People, I want to thank President Xi! Jan 27: WHO raises alert level but is still saying China has it contained. (No creditable sources for this statement, no major newspapers or the WHO timeline carry this statement however at least six fascist websites carry this statement)

27 January 20 - Top White House aides meet with Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney to encourage greater focus on the threat from the virus. Joe Grogan, head of the White House Domestic Policy Council warns that “dealing with the virus was likely to dominate life in the United States for many months.”

28 January 20 – Trump goes to a rally Jan 29: President established Presidential Task Force--BEFORE THE THING EVEN HAD A NAME (It has a name, see trump tweet on January 24, what it does not have is an official scientific name because science takes time.) Jan 30: State Dept issued a Do Not Travel warning to China. (still less than ONE month after initial announcement from China). Jan 30: WHO announced the Coronavirus is a public health emergency of international global concern. In short, BEFORE the WHO even announced its “global concern,” the administration was working on his response for almost a month, and had already established a Presidential task force.

30 January 20 – Trump goes to a rally in Iowa saying; “We think we have it very well under control. We have very little problem in this country at this moment – five…we think it’s going to have a very good ending for it.” 31 January 20 – Trump issues his Proclamation on Suspension of Entry as Immigrants and Nonimmigrants of Persons who Pose a Risk of Transmitting 2019 Novel Coronavirus Jan. 31: To the left's cries of “RACISM!”, the President proactively suspended entry of foreign nationals who’d been to China in the last 14 days. (The proclamation does not apply to, lawful permanent residents, alien spouses, alien parents, alien children, any alien traveling as a nonimmigrant, or any alien coming at the request of the government, therefore only Chinese citizens coming to visit America will be restricted. So yeah, it’s a bit racist because it doesn’t quarantine everyone who needs to be quarantined.) Jan. 31: The president issued quarantines, and through Secretary Azar, declared a public health emergency for the entire nation.

1 February 20 – Trump plays golf 2 February 20 – Trump tells Fox News host Sean Hannity, “We pretty much shut it down coming in from China.” Feb 4: President Trump talks about coronavirus in his State of the Union address; Pelosi rips up every page. (I read the speech twice and never saw one mention of the virus.) Feb 5: The Senate votes to acquit President Trump on both articles of impeachment, 52-48 and 53-47. (I thought this was supposed to be a Trump/COVID19 timeline) Feb 5: House Democrats FINALLY take up coronavirus in the House Foreign Affairs Subcommittee on Asia.

5 February 20 – Democratic Senators propose emergency funding bill  to prepare for the virus, Trump’s administration says no thanks. Feb 5: Chuck Schumer in a tweet continues to call Trumps’ travel ban from China “premature.” Feb 5: Democrats, media, Biden calls Trump xenophobic over reacting racist starting war on immigrants, fear mongering

7 February 20 – Trump praises Pres. Xi response to the virus and predicts that China will stop the outbreak. Feb 7th Both Pelosi and Deblasio calls Trump racist for ban, encourages people to go to Chinatown, use subway, and go to concerts. Feb 7: White House’s Coronavirus Task Force gives press briefing. Feb 9: White House Coronavirus Task Force meets with all governors regarding virus.

10 February 20 – Trump goes to a rally Feb 11: WHO named the virus COVID-19. LET THAT SINK IN.(One more time for those on the short bus, science takes time, a virus knocks on the door and then science checks it, double checks it, triple checks it and then tells the world. Then the world starts checking it and until a international consensus is reached it doesn’t get named.)

The Trump administration’s first response --- a week after the initial announcement---was when the virus had NOT even been named by the World Health Organization yet. It was NOT named until Day 42.  Meanwhile, the CDC, NIH, FEMA, FDA, HHS, the DOD, and All the agencies of OUR scientific community have already been working feverishly to sequence the RNA of the virus to get its proteins, its messenger RNA sequenced, and get a vaccine going. Feb 12: CDC waiting for approval from Chinese for CDC team to travel to China... China says No (Gee I wonder why? Could it be because Trump has been extremely critical of China multiple times? For no reason other than political gain.) Feb 12: HHS announces partnership to develop vaccine.

14 February 20 – Trump tells the Border Patrol Council; "We have a very small number of people in the country, right now, with it. It’s like around 12. Many of them are getting better. Some are fully recovered already. So we’re in very good shape."

15 February 20 – Trump plays golf

19 February 20 – Trump goes to a rally says “it’s going to work out fine”

20 February 20 – Trumps goes to a rally in Colorado Springs Feb 21: Italy identifies its very first case in their country. (wrong just wrong, Italy confirms its first death on this day) Feb 21: CDC tweets that it is working with States for preparedness. (correct)

21 February 20 – Trump goes to a rally Feb 24: Trump sent letter to Congress asking for $25B for virus effort. (wrong, the request was for $1.25B) Feb 24: Nancy Pelosi made a stop in Chinatown and encouraged people to “please come and visit and enjoy Chinatown.”(At this point, so fucking what, there is no national stay at home order & San Francisco won’t issue such an order until March 16th.) Feb. 24: The President unveiled the initial plan. (Redundant read the second statement up)

24 February 20 – Trump tweets: The Coronavirus is very much under control in the USA. We are in contact with everyone and all relevant countries. CDC & World Health have been working hard and very smart. Stock Market starting to look very good to me! Feb 25: There is still no reported community spread in the US!!! (Per CDC tweet.) 

(The full tweet; “Currently there are very few cases of #COVID19 in the US & no reported community spread. But as more countries see community spread, successful containment becomes harder and the CDC is preparing for community spread in the US. (in other words…it’s coming motherfuckers)

25 February 20 – Trump at a news conference in India says that the virus is “well under control” and that there are very few people with it.”

27 February 20 – Trumps says “One day it’s like a miracle, it will disappear.”

28 February 20 -  Total countries with confirmed cases 56, total number of cases 84,090, deaths 2,874

Yet, according to the leadership of the other party, Our President has failed us. Following OVER A MONTH of response—they’re accusing our president of failing us. Yes, TDS is real... Feb. 26: President Trump appointed VP Mike Pence to head the whole of government response. That appointment is in keeping with the 2015 Obama-era Blue Ribbon Panel on Biodefense.

26 February 20 – Trumps says “Within a couple of weeks it will be down to close to zero. That’s a pretty good job we’ve done.” Feb 27: First community transmission in US. (actually it was on the 26th) Feb 27: Trump appoints Pence to coordinate efforts. (I thought he did that yesterday?)

28 February 20 – Trump goes to a rally Feb 29: 60 days after the Chinese announcement, the US sadly lost its first victim to COVID-19.

2 March 20 – Trump goes to a rally in Charlotte

9 March 20 – Trump tweets: The fake News Media and their partner, the Democrat Party, is doing everything within its semi-considerable power (it used to be greater!) to inflame the CoronaVirus situation, far beyond what the facts would warrant. Surgeon General, “the risk is low to the average American.”

7 March 20 – Trump refuses to talk with Pelosi, so she works with Mnuchin to craft a relief bill

7 March 20 – Trump says; “No I’m not concerned at all. We’ve done a great job.”

7 March 20 – Trump plays golf

8 March 20 – Trump plays golf

10 March 20 – Trump says; “and it will go away. Just stay calm. It will go away.” March 11: WHO declares COVID-19 to be a global "pandemic." 11 March 20 – Trump in an address from the Oval Office FALSELY says that the health insurance industry has “agreed to waive all co-payments for coronavirus treatments.” In reality, getting tested would be free, but treatment would not be covered. This is the first time he admitted that COVID19 might be a problem.

13 March 20 - 121 countries have confirmed cases totaling 142,095 with 5,373 deaths

13 March 20 – Trump declares COVID19 a national emergency and says “No, I don’t take any responsibility at all.”

18 March 20 – Trump declares himself a “wartime president”

29 March 20 – Trump says; “If we have between 100,000 & 200,000 deaths we’ve done a very good job.”

So, 53 days BEFORE the US lost a single life to this disease, The Administration was already working diligently to protect our country... (Diligently? Perhaps the deep state government was working diligently but not Trump at best he jumped onto the bandwagon on March 11, 2020. Also this post begins on December 31 and ends on March 11, 2020 so unless my math is wrong it would be 62 days before the first US death.) Sadly the U.S. WILL lose lives to this virus--but as noted by an Obama appointee and former director of the CDC Tom Friedman, “had the President NOT responded so quickly, we would not have been prepared as we are, and more lives would’ve been lost” (I cannot confirm this quote to either Thomas Friedman the NYT moron or to Dr. Thomas Frieden the actual former CDC director. Dr. Frieden it must be noted has been very critical of the Trump administrations response to COVID19. I have however found this quote on several conservative blogs leading me to believe it’s a bullshit quote.) It is helpful to look at the actual timeline. All of this happened BEFORE the 1st death in U.S. (wrong, the first US death from COVID19 was on March 1 in Washington state.So not all of this happened before the first US death but most of it did like 86% of it.)

most of this info are from CDC tweets so anyone can look it up to check for accuracy. (most of this information is not from the CDC tweets, I read them.)

There were many more actions in between, I just took some highlights. Fact check it to see how accurate this is. Nobody's excusing anyone, just checking the timeline.

 Brainpicking Notes: Most of my sources where: CDC twitter account, CNN Coronavirus timeline, thinkglobalhealth.org, vox news, Politifact.com (verified with second sources), WHO timeline, covid19-archive.com, whitehouse.gov

 On March 30, 2020 Trump told Fox News that “We inherited a broken test" for COVID-19.” Really? How? Since no test existed before this virus jumped to humans and every country in the world entered a race to develop one who in the fuck could you have inherited it from?

How the coronavirus is forever changing the way MLB connects to fans

IT BEGAN WITH the hype video that was supposed to introduce the 2020 Los Angeles Dodgers on Opening Day. Organist Dieter Ruehle followed by playing the national anthem and "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" from his home piano. Third baseman Justin Turner, closer Kenley Jansen and manager Dave Roberts shared updates on their suddenly monotonous lives. Comedian George Lopez cracked jokes at the Houston Astros' expense and country musician Brad Paisley wore a Dodgers sweatshirt that described the team as "2017 World Series Champs."

Along the way, the Dodgers' first live Zoom event provided its fair share of predictable glitches -- ringing cellphones, awkward silences and buffering videos, one of which distorted an uplifting message from Vin Scully. Joe Davis, the Dodgers' play-by-play voice pressed into virtual hosting duty, cringed through some of the technical difficulties. He thought social media would be as unforgiving as usual. He was wrong.

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"The people appreciated whatever we were able to do, even if the video was skipping a little bit, or there were audio issues, or somebody dropped out at some point," Davis said. "The general sense was that it was like, 'So what?' There was an appreciation, it seems like, from the fans that there was something baseball-related to be able to cling onto and distract them for a night."

The Dodgers initially planned to host 1,000 fans at their first "Zoom Party" on April 27. They ultimately opened it up to 11,000 people. Over the next couple of weeks, the guest list increased to 12,000 and then 15,000, proving two key points about this unimaginable period: Teams are trying anything and everything to fill a massive void amid the coronavirus pandemic, and their fans are here for it -- a dynamic that could change the fan-engagement experience forever.

There have been re-airings of old postseason games, broadcaster calls of home movies, training tips from coaches, bedtime stories from players and bracket-style tournaments for items such as jerseys and bobbleheads, all in an effort to create content in a time when baseball's main content pipeline -- live games -- is shut off.

Ryan Zimmerman interviewed Dr. Anthony Fauci, a diehard fan of the Washington Nationals. Miami Marlins catcher Francisco Cervelli taught viewers how to make focaccia. Kansas City Royals director of behavioral science Ryan Maid hosted "Mindfulness Mondays" to provide tips on living in the moment. The Cleveland Indians offered instructions for creating games out of items in one's sock drawer. And former Astros infielder Geoff Blum hosted a series called "Feel Good Stories For The Heart" in hopes of providing some much-needed positivity.

Major League Baseball and the MLB Players Association also teamed up to create an MLB The Show Players League, where big leaguers went head-to-head in video game matchups that were livestreamed on Twitch and broadcast on television during the virtual playoffs, culminating in a final showdown between Tampa Bay Rays ace Blake Snell and Chicago White Sox ace Lucas Giolito that aired on ESPN.

From making pancakes to playing baseball with Charley, follow @ClaytonKersh22 and his family in this episode of A Day in the Life with the Kershaws.

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"We want to give everybody sort of a relief from what's going on, and if we can help them and we can entertain them, we've succeeded," Dodgers chief marketing officer Lon Rosen said of his own team's strategy. "We're in a really difficult time right now. We all feel like we're gonna come out the other end and life will come back to some normalcy, but until then, we wanna make sure that we're connected to our fans and our fans are connected to us. And that's our mission."

In pursuit of that, the Dodgers arranged for their director of player performance, Brandon McDaniel, to guide fans through in-home workoutstwice a week. They handed a smartphone to Ellen Kershaw so that she could record her husband, Clayton, flipping pancakes and playing Pop-A-Shot. And they utilized Ross Stripling, their agreeable right-handed pitcher, for an interview series with some of his teammates. Davis himself has hosted his own cooking show and also started a podcast with his broadcast partner, Orel Hershiser. The response floored him.

"We've had multiple people tell us that it brought them to tears to hear us, multiple people tell us that it's the best part of their week when that comes out, and their favorite thing during the quarantine," Davis said of the podcast, called "Off Air." "Man, we're just trying to have a fun conversation. We started it realizing the void that everybody was feeling with no baseball, but I don't think we fully appreciated how big that void was."

MARCO GONZALES LEFT Arizona shortly after MLB effectively closed spring training complexes on March 15. He hopped in the car with his wife and their dog and drove 1,400 miles to his home near T-Mobile Park, returning to Seattle -- the country's first coronavirus epicenter -- for the first time in more than a month.

Gonzales, the left-hander announced as the Seattle Mariners' Opening Day starter less than a week earlier, was struck by how a bustling city could feel so desolate. Parks were empty, traffic was nonexistent, stores had shuttered, and the few people he saw, usually at the local supermarket, dressed as if they were "going into surgery." The anxiety was palpable, omnipresent, and it helped spur Gonzales into action. He donated blood, partnered with a local hunger-relief agency and stepped outside of his comfort zone to help entertain a populace desperate for levity.

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Just for fun:

A's: Broadcaster calls home movies Cubs: "Parks and Rec" crossover Dodgers: Zoom parties Marlins: Cervelli makes focaccia Phillies: Story time with Bryce & Fanatic

Quarantine-inspired:

Astros: Feel Good Stories For The Heart Indians: Sock-drawer sports at home Nats: Zimmerman interviews Dr. Fauci Orioles: Phone Call Fridays Rockies: Out-of-context quarantine tips

The latter morphed into a weekly interview podcast called "Inside Corner," which Gonzales co-hosts alongside Mariners broadcaster Aaron Goldsmith through the team's YouTube channel. Catcher Tom Murphy and fellow starters Taijuan Walker and Justin Dunn have made up the first three guests. Murphy spoke from his dining room, which features a 400-pound black bear he snagged on a hunting trip. Dunn, now 6-foot-2, revealed he was shorter than his 4-foot-11 grandmother when he entered high school. Walker estimated owning 400 pairs of sneakers.

"I miss baseball, I miss that interaction with my teammates," Gonzales said. "And I think the goal of this, ultimately, is for fans to get to know us a little bit better away from the field, and to feel like they're a little more connected to us."

It's part of an ironic twist in all this -- a time that is keeping fans from baseball is also allowing them, in some respects, to feel more connected to those who play it. During the season, their time is precious. During the offseason, their time is sacred. But now athletes are stuck at home waiting this out, with unkempt hair and a dwindling supply of toilet paper, just like the rest of us. To pass the time, many have offered rare glimpses into their personal lives and have seemingly become more willing to reveal their true personalities. Gonzales has acted as a willing tour guide.

"The guys that I've dealt with, they want people to get to know them as people," Gonzales said. "Because a lot of times when we're on the field, we're in a mindset, we're in a mentality, that is rare to us as a person. We're in a competitive, testosterone-driven mindset, whereas right now, when we're stuck at home, and we have a chance to talk to each other, it's a lot different communication. And I think that people will hopefully see that."

Our video editor has been itching to make a hype video. Behold...

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Kevin Martinez has been overseeing the Mariners' marketing efforts for the past quarter-century. Four days after MLB suspended its season, Martinez led a meeting that served as a brainstorming session for how the team could pivot in its content strategy and fill an unprecedented void in a reeling city. Martinez saw it as "an opportunity to innovate and think differently."

It led to a hype video of home movies, a series of tutorials from Mariners coaches, an MLB The Show tournament pitting fans against players, and Gonzales' podcast.

"Seattle has been one of the most affected by this, and one of the first for sure," Gonzales said. "We're trying to get behind the notion that we'll be one of the first to overcome it and really show the rest of the country what it looks like. Right now, all we can do is try to fill everybody up with some optimism, put some good content out there, and try to just give people that hope that we're gonna get back to normal as soon as we can."

#NewSociallyDistantProfilePic

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BY NATURE OF their status in local communities, sports teams can often serve as information hubs for regions. The Boston Red Sox, for example, represent the baseball team for all six states in the New England region, making Twitter -- where the team has more than 6.1 million followers -- an ideal platform to distribute factually verified information regarding the pandemic. Kelsey Doherty, senior manager of digital media for the Red Sox, says the team has kept in touch with the Massachusetts Department of Public Health and the State House to stay up to date on the best official safety measures.

"It's a little nerve-wracking every time I put out any of that messaging, because especially early on, things were changing so rapidly about what was or wasn't good for you or how you're supposed to go about things," Doherty said. "We were linking a lot to the Mass Department of Public Health, but we're also trying to put the Red Sox spin on it. This weekend we put out, 'How far is 6 feet really?' And it's like, 'It's one Rafael Devers away.'"

The Red Sox are far from the only team to use its social media accounts to pitch in. Zimmerman's interview with Fauci, via the Nats' Facebook page, delved into plans for slowly and safely restarting the economy. The Colorado Rockies are one club that sponsored a mask-making project, reaching out online to distribute free team-branded masks to front-line workers. New York Yankeesfirst baseman Luke Voit connected with medical staff at NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital. The Baltimore Orioles have been holding Phone Call Fridays, when members of the team check in on fans and first responders.

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There have been other notable effects. With no games on the calendar for the near future, each team's social media account now represents the primary connection clubs have with fans on a daily basis. Typically at this point in the regular season, an internationally iconic team like the Yankees is focused on building hype around the club, selling individual game tickets and targeting tourists who might be coming into New York. Stephi Blank, senior manager of digital and social strategy for the Yankees, says the pandemic has flipped the team's social focus upside down.

"Especially when thinking about targeting individual game ticket buyers, tourism in New York City is something that is a massive industry, and talking with our colleagues at Broadway and others, you see that so much of the individual game, the individual ticket buyers, come from people who are outside of New York who don't live there," Blank said. "That had been a big focus of ours prior to this, but New York has been the epicenter, and we've been focusing a lot more on our local fans."

With no team to root for or games to play, teams are reframing their social media presence to think about fandom as a lifestyle.

"It's new territory," Doherty said. "I always joke that I am so grateful that I work in sports because our content can change day to day based on a win or a loss or who had a big night, and now suddenly I'm in this uncharted territory and everyone in sports is, where it's like suddenly we aren't dependent on that and we're dependent on our history, the lifestyle, the fan base and the culture around the team."

Luke Voit recently surprised frontline medical heroes from our partner @nyphospital to show his appreciation for their strength and hard work. @LLVIII40

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THE LACK OF day-to-day, game-centric content leaves more room to experiment. The Yankees have dabbled in more player personality-driven content, posting intentionally lo-fi workout videos from the likes of Giancarlo Stanton and Luis Severino, shot in vertical video on an iPhone. Yankees head of communications Jason Zillo says the lack of wins and losses allowed baseball's most traditional brand to let loose and have some fun.

"[Player-personality content] is not only a neat concept, but I think this has legs to live long beyond the pandemic," Zillo said. "The thing that constantly is a push and a pull during a baseball season is that games matter so much. And you have to temper 'fun' things up against the fact that every day, there's a game that you're trying to win at all costs. There has to be a measure of caution. If you've lost six of eight games, my first mindset isn't, 'Let's do something fun.' It's like, 'Let's kind of scale back and then when we've won six of eight, then maybe we can push more of the fun stuff.'"

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Baseball is unique among sports in its challenge of creating inclusive, compelling social media content. The schedule is arduous -- nearly every single day, often for about 10 hours, from the middle of February until at least the end of September -- and the culture can often feel repressive. Marketers have mostly found players to be less motivated to promote themselves, both because of the volume of their workload and the guaranteed nature of their contracts. Teams, in some respects, have taken a relatively conservative approach on their digital platforms.

But maybe that'll be different now.

"It has been a challenging time," Martinez, the Mariners' senior VP of marketing, said, "but it's been a time for innovation, and a great opportunity to create fans with our players in ways we haven't explored before."

While baseball has been slow to adapt to the new age of social media, the pandemic plopped a mirror in front of many teams. Many took that as an opportunity to try something new -- and have seen it bear fruit.

"You hear a lot of people from a lot of different walks of life saying, 'Use this time to get better at something,'" Zillo said. "I think baseball, as a whole, has, when it comes to looking under different rocks, now is really using social media and all of its tentacles to reach as many fans as possible."

Source - ESPN