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fieldofdaisiies · 7 months

Text

Alone

ship: Theodore Nott x Hufflepuff!Reader type: angst/fluff word count: 2,6k words warnings: mentions of racist parents, awful parent child relationship, talk of war and Death Eaters summary: Y/N and Theo are childhood friends, when she receives a howler from her mother that breaks her, he is there for her. (I'll blame @azrielscrown for her amazing Theo stories and hence making me want to write about him, and also @moonlightazriel for the tiktok videos she sent me hahaha)

It is quiet. So very quiet. All of a sudden everyone stops talking. There aren’t even any hushed whispers. Nothing.

It is so quite that one could hear a needle drop.

So quiet that even the mice in the smallest nooks and corners of the castle could hear your mother’s voice blaring out of the howler that has just unfolded itself in front of you. Its tongue poking out, the howler spats the exact same words your mother shouted into it in your family manor.

The words drip with venom. Disdain and disappointment lace every spoken syllable.

Your blood runs cold, your chin quivering, as you watch and listen in absolute shock. Your whole body has gone rigid, you don't even dare turn to glance around, not wanting to see the either mocking or pitiful looks of your school mates.

How would she know? How does she know? And why is she so mad?

It was just a school project, not your decision to spend time with him. You had to spend time with Harry Potter — it was for a Potions project, preparing a recipe, trying it out and then presenting it in class. It was project where you were assigned partners. A project where you were forced to spend time together. And even if you don't hate Harry, you would not have chosen to do the project. But you had no choice.

'The shame you brought upon this family by being sorted into Hufflepuff.'

There is a pause, and it is so long, so dreadful, so painful, and you just hope the letter won’t continue talking. Maybe it is over and the letter will just rip itself into shreds — the same shreds your heart has been ripped into when the letter started howling.

Or maybe a hole in the ground will open, and swallow you wholly? A ghost will appear and take you with him? A giant will crash both you and the letter?

But your prayers are ignored. Of course they are…

'And now, now you are doing partner work with him? Spending your free afternoons with him? What comes next? Dating a Muggle? Marrying one?'

'Y/N Y/L/N, in this house I allow none of that!'

Your best friend slides her hand into your cold one, squeezing it tightly. She is the purest and kindest soul Hufflepuff house has ever seen and in this very moment you are more grateful to have her than ever before. She somehow grounds you, stops your body from shaking or convulsing fully.

'I am deeply disappointed. So very much. What you do to this family, the shame you bring upon us.'

That’s how the letter ends. No well wishes, no goodbye, no I love you, no motherly love. Nothing.

You are shocked, sad, embarrassed — feeling too much. Too many emotions. Your heart can’t take them, can’t deal with them all at once and you know you have to leave, get away, escape. Cry. And be alone.

You need to get out of the Great Hall. And that right now.

You know your friends want to support you, comfort you, but sometimes you just need to be alone.

Your voice sounds choked, throat constricted, as you climb over the bench, the howler still in pieces on the table.

"I am sorry, I need to be alone now." You run, weaving your way through the pupils crowded in the Great Hall and the corridors outside. Tears start to burn behind your eyes, clouding your vision and your throat starts to burn.

You run, run until your feet ache, slumping down on the ground, sliding down the ball. And then the damn breaks. Hot, burning tears rolling down your cheeks, as one ragged sob after the other leaves you.

It hurts so much, growing up in a family like this. It is so painful. Your mother's words, laced with venom, still reverberate through your mind, loud and awful, filling every fibre of your being. A cool shiver makes its way down your spine, making you shiver.

You draw in a deep inhale, your breathing shaky, lower lip quivering. Closing your eyes, you let your head rest against the wall, replaying every single word she said to you.

The eerie silence of the corridor and your calm sobs are suddenly interrupted by the faint echo of footsteps nearing. You have no time to make guesses who it could be, finding you sitting behind a corner, back pressed against the wall to almost become invisible.

"Are you…alright?"

It is strange seeing him like this. He is always so confident, so cocky, arrogant, silver-tongued. And not so…reserved, and at a loss for words. Your desperate state has probably shocked him, you think, trying to hold his gaze, but the tears are coming back again.

"I am…fine," you croak, the lie in your voice louder than the Howler you received earlier.

Theo breathes out a cold chuckle. "That was the worst lie I've ever heard, Y/N."

His voice is flat, his expression stoic. He just looks at you, his normally confident demeanour nowhere in sight. "And I thought you Hufflepuffs are those goody-two-shoes who never lie."

You watch how the corner of his mouth tips upwards, but only shortly. He quickly presses his lips in a thin line, something he has always done when thinking deeply. A crease appears on his forehead, eyes solely focused on you.

You have known Theo basically since the day you were born. He is two months older than you, both of you coming from noble pureblood families, your father's had once been good friends, are still probably, but you don't really know. When you were placed in Hufflepuff…things changed.

Also the friendship with Theo changed. He got distanced, you did too. Being friends with him was somehow no longer possible, and still isn't. You are not rude towards each other, he also always stayed out when the Slytherins mocked you and your housemates, but he has also never sought you out to spend time with you…and neither did you.

You have been growing apart and this is alright — some friendships are not forever. Or at least that is what you always tell yourself.

"I…I just had to get out."

He nods, slowly, and in understanding. "I always come here when I want to be alone."

"Yes, that is why I am here, I want to be alone." You hope he gets the memo…that you want to be alone. Fully alone.

Not deigning him another look, you bury your face in your hands again, knees pulled up to your chest. It is not in your nature to be rude to anyone, but…

"I know I should probably leave…" But he moves closer.

"I heard what the howler said and I don’t really want to—"

"Everyone heard what the Howler said." A humourless chuckle escapes you and you lift your head. Theo is already looking at you, his eyes, meeting your red and puffy ones. Pain flashes in his eyes, bright and stark and you feel yourself shiver.

He nods slowly, almost like he wants to tell you it is not the truth, hoping it will ease the pain and discomfort a little, but he says nothing. And that for a long moment. Until—

He closes the distance between the two of you, claiming the spot on the ground beside you.

"I am sorry," he says, stretching out his long legs and leaning his head against the stone wall behind him. "I am so sorry for what she said and that everyone had to hear."

"It is not your fault, you don't have to apologise." You furrow your brows as you turn to look at him.

His eyes are filled with concern. You can still feel the embarrassment, the way the entire hall had turned to watch as the red envelope exploded in a blaze of your mother's fury and rage. Everyone became witness to your misery…

You swallow hard, trying to push the memory aside, but it lingers like an illness that just won't get better.

"Y/N," Theo says, his voice softer than what you are used to. "I can't believe she sent you this letter…"

"Howler," you correct him, wearing a forced smile.

The corner of his mouth curls up, and he casually runs a hand through his hair. "Indeed, a Howler, you smartass."

You chuckle, and playfully nudge him with your elbow. But then you shake your head, take a deep breath and shrug."You know how she is. Always expecting more, always disappointed in me."

Theo reaches out, his hand brushing gently against yours. He does not take your hand into his, just rests it next to yours on the ground, your pinkies touching. "You don't have to listen to her, Y/N. You're so much more than what she thinks of you."

You draw in a shaky breath, thankful about his presence.

Funny, you think. You would not have thought that exactly his presence would bring you so much comfort now. You had wanted to be alone just moments before, but talking to him feels somehow good. "Thank you," you say.

He smiles. "Of course." But he does not look away, keeps holding your gaze, his hand shifting the tiniest bit, his pinkie finger now placed on top of yours.

The dimly lit sconces cast eerie flickers of light upon the stone walls, and also on you two. His lashes look longer in this light, casting shadows across his cheeks, his eyes looking so much deeper. And soon you realise you are staring at him.

It feels like he leans closer, but you could also be mistaken.. And yet, his presence wraps around you, like a gentle embrace or a warm winter coat. And, with his voice barely above a whisper, Theo says. "You deserve so much better than this."

Tears glisten in your eyes once more. His gaze is intense, filled with an emotion you have not really seen on him before. "Thank you for being here for me."

"I am your friend, of course I am."

Your expression must have given you away.

He huffs, and lowers his chin to his chest. "Well, at least I hope we are still friends…"

For a long moment silence stretches out between you because first of all, you did not expect that statement and secondly, you don't know how to answer.

Are you really friends? Still?

You’ve doubted it in the past years, you’ve never talked to each other, unless you had to do so in class. You’ve never spent time together. This is not what you would call a friendship.

"I don't know, are we?" you answer honestly, and a small smile appears on his face. "I can't blame you for not considering me your friend anymore…"

It is still strange seeing him like this. He has never been like this…so vulnerable somehow.

"I know I should have been here for you so much more in these past years."

This is not at all what you expected, and it confuses you greatly. Is he blaming himself for not being here? You also did not reach out to him, you did not seek him out, and you are in different houses.

"There is no blame on you!" Your voice is stronger, firmer, wanting him to see that it is absolute bullshit that he is talking. "Why would you say something like this?"

He shrugs. "I am…" He does not continue, only draws in a deep inhale, and leans his head against the wall. His eyes close for a moment.

There has always been a connection between you, a connection that is still somehow there, even though you might no longer be friends. The kind of friends you once used to be.

You also lean back against the wall, your own eyes closing, his finger still touching yours. It is such a tiny gesture, but you feel it everywhere. Feel him so strongly.

Theo breaks the silence, his voice quieter when he says. "Y/N, I want you to know...I've always cared about you more than just a friend."

Your heart skips a beat, and you open your eyes, turn your head and look up at him, your eyes meeting his gaze. "Theo..."

"I know it's complicated," he continues, his hand now flipping yours over and taking it into his. "I can't pretend anymore. And seriously, if Draco or Blaise would see me like that right now…stumbling over my own words, they would call me the biggest fool on this planet, but I need you to know…"

He groans almost like in frustration, and squeezes your hand.

"In Salazar's name, why is this so fucking hard?" A chuckle escapes him, but you only look at him, not sure if you are ready for his confession.

"I'm in love with you, Y/N. And I have been for the longest time."

Your breath catches in your throat, and a mixture of emotions swirls within you, a whirlwind starting for a whole new reason now. "Theo, I..." You hesitate, not sure what to say.

He smiles and shakes his head. "You don't have to say anything right now. I just needed you to know. And if you ever need someone to talk to, to be there for you, I'll always be here, I want you to know this."

This is a side of him, you think, only you know. And only you know since this very moment. He has never been like this before, he is not like that to others and it makes your chest warm from the inside.

Tears well up in your eyes again, but this time they're not tears of sadness — they’re tears of happiness and comfort. Without thinking you throw your arms around Theo and hug him tightly, feeling the warmth of his embrace. "Thank you, Theo. I... I really care about you too. I want you to know this."

He holds you close, his hand gently rubbing your back. "What happened today, and what is maybe about to come…we'll get through this together. You are not alone in this. I know you have your Hufflepuff friends, but you also have me."

He holds you tightly, and for as long as it takes the pain of the former happenings to ease. The weight of the howler and your mother's hurtful words begins to fade, replaced by the knowledge that you have someone who cares deeply for you by your side. His words and his confession were like balm to your soul, and they make you smile, even when you thought you wouldn't be smiling much this day.

"I am really glad to have you back in my life."

He smiles, a genuine and adorable smile that makes your heart flutter. "I have always been in your life. Maybe we weren't that close, but our bond has always been there."

You nod, and draw in a deep inhale. "You are right."

When more pupils file into the corridors, you know lessons are probably soon about to start. You give his hand a final squeeze and slowly get up. "I'll see you later, Theo."

He nods, his eyes never leaving yours. "Take care, Y/N. I'll see you for lunch?"

You nod, a smile on your lips and his eyes momentarily dip to them.

With one last smile, you turn and head toward the Hufflepuff common room, your heart lighter. You know you can talk to him about the issues in your family, and he will listen, because he understands. Understands the pure blood nobility and problems. And maybe, just maybe, there is also a chance for something more between the two of you in the future. He, after all, already confessed his love for you.

#theodore nott #theodore nott x you #theodore nott x reader #slytherin boys #slytherin #slytherin x hufflepuff #harry potter #theo nott #theo nott x reader

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therabbitthatpostthings · 3 months

Text

Might fully write this as a whole story one day.

You come to Viktor with a serious inquiry:

“Do you know a doctor that can perform Hanahaki removal surgery?”

He was stunned at first. He didn’t even know you had feelings for someone but to ask for this?

“You know how risky that is, you could lose all love in your heart.” Viktor stated.

“Of course I do. That’s why I came to ask you. It’s been done, a successful removal. Sure the recovery period is long but I get to keep my memories with you guys. I’ll take the chance.” You were steadfast in your decision. This was the only way to rid yourself of this retched disease. You weren’t exactly happy about it either, the chance that you would lose all love for Viktor and Jace was high. However staying in love with someone until your heart breaks or you die is worse (of course you wouldn’t actually die though).

Viktor sighed, “Who is it, it you don’t mind me asking?”

You were almost too embarrassed to mention it, “Remember Sterling…”

Viktor sat up fully in his seat to really grasp the situation. Sterling was someone you both knew from your Academy days and he was a piece of work. A ‘Grade A’ jackass and flirt. It sucks that his looks matched his brains, being one of Piltover’s elites. He was destined to inherit his families company and live a life of luxury. And this, amalgamation of every stereotype rich boy, was the one causing you so much pain. Viktor could hardly believe it.

“Don’t look at me like that, I’m not proud of it either!” Your face flushed bright red. “It just…happened. We were talking and things got real for a second. I thought I saw a different side of him but it’s…ugh! It’s complicated Viktor!”

Still in disbelief, Viktor adjusted himself on the chair. He collected his thoughts before looking back up at you. “I will ask Professor Heimerdinger for help. Don’t worry, I’ll find the best doctor there is. You won’t lose a precious memories, I promise.”

“Thank you Vitya.” You smile. Viktor felt a small ache in his chest but ignored it. You said your goodbyes and Viktor started to draft his letter to the Professor. Your memories and friendship was on the line so he felt compelled to write as soon as possible.

Professor Heimerdinger reported back by the end of the day. He was deeply concerned with Viktor’s wellbeing. This disease was no joke! He had lost many a friend to the flower disease and Viktor was far too young to fall ill with it. Viktor stopped him in the middle of his speech as he explained the treatment was for you and not himself. He was very confused at first but agreed to contacting a very good doctor. Before Viktor leaves, the professor urges him to be careful and be kind to himself.

Viktor didn’t understand then. You met with the doctor and consulted with her many times. She was kind and truly understood what it meant to be afflicted. After the consultations, Viktor would be your shoulder to lean on. On the nights you were too sick, you would stay with him. Viktor’s apartment became your second home. Viktor was slowly starting to understand the Professor’s warning. He couldn’t think about that now, he needed to be here for you.

Around two weeks before your surgery you were walking to your scheduled visit when you saw him, Sterling. He was chatting with another girl when he said some choice words about you. He threw in a couple comments that you’d only get far in this world because you “suck up” to the HexTech guys. It didn’t just sting he thought of you this way, especially after this long but he dared to badmouth your two best friends as well. For once, your coughing stopped and you noticed a bud had landed in your hand. You took this to the doctor and she was intrigued. She examined it closely and came back with a smile on her face.

“Congratulations, you’re falling out of love.”

“What?!”

“Calm down, it’s only been reported in the last 60 years or so but there are cases of people falling out of love with their intended person. It was mostly reported in relationships that turned sour after years but yes, even crushes can die out.”

“Does this mean, I will lose all love in my heart?”

“Not necessarily, you’ll feel reluctant and wary but as for your friends and family, you will love them just the same. You may even fall in love again one day.”

You get somewhat relieved. The doctor continued, “About the buds in your lungs. You can have the stem cut but that runs the risk of the original surgery. Best I can do for you is give you some medicine for nausea, pain killers and recommend you take on less physical work. Also, if you don’t mind, I’d like to continue our consultations with a therapist present so I can monitor the after effects.”

“Right…”

You left the consultation feeling lighter. Honestly seeing the doctor so excited over a bud, the proof that love dies, was amusing. The very thought of Sterling did fill your heart with a pit but one of disgust. Such an awful person who doesn’t know himself had the audacity to speak about you and your friends. The nerve!

You walked into the office and huffed into the seat next to Viktor. Without looking up from his notes, “You seem energetic today.”

“I’m not having the surgery.”

He almost fell out of his chair. Why would not have the surgery!? Have you fallen in love with Sterling?! Did he accept you?!

“I heard that jerk talking about me to another girl and he had the nerve to bring you and Jace into it! I don’t know it’s like- it’s like all my affection just died right then and there!” You explained what the doctor had said and how you would continue your rantings. Viktor felt a swell of pride in his chest. The fact that you were so annoyed on his behalf meant no matter what, your feelings would remain.

“I’m glad you’re okay.” he smiled.

“Honestly good riddance.” You scoffed “He doesn’t compare to you guys! You work so hard Vik, even when you were taking care of me!”

“I’d do it all again.” Viktor said. You sighed, finally relieved of your anger. You thanked him again for all he’s done and excused yourself to let him get back to work. Viktor waiting until you were out of the room to completely heave over the waste bin. It was filled with red stained petals.

How could he bring himself to tell you? Not now, not while you were free of this burden. He can wait it out, now that he was sure love dies.

#shitpost #shitposting #writing fanfics at 3am #cringe-#arcane #lol arcane #viktor #viktor arcane #viktor x reader #viktor x you #short drabble #viktor the machine herald #viktor my beloved #hanahaki disease

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belit0 · 10 months

Text

2000 Word Commission (Uchiha Madara / Fem Reader) @ moroseu

"I just wanted a short and sweet scenario of Madara finding out reader is an artist. (She kept it hidden mostly out of shyness or embarrassment) Madara flips through her sketchbook and it’s just a bunch of portraits of him funnily enough."

EACH COMMISSION COMES WITH AN EXTRA SECRET SCENARIO, THAT I UNIQUELY AND ESPECIALLY ADD FOR THE BUYER. (I'll leave you an example of it at the bottom, but in Spanish, so you don't cheat.)

KO-FI COMMISSIONS

I hope you enjoy it Roseu, and thank you very much for trusting me!

Madara searches and searches but cannot find it, and he knows Hashirama will forgive his absentmindedness, but Tobirama will not. If he wants to survive today's meeting with the Senju brothers, he must find that copy of the peace treaty he was supposed to write.

He rummages through his office and knows there is no point in searching his desk in the Hokage's tower, only because he already did so yesterday, desperate and dreading this morning's arrival. The Uchiha counts the hours he has left before facing the albino in a death match for having lost something so important and mentally prepares to justify himself.

What can he say about it? Life is so stressful I lost sight of it? I probably forgot it somewhere, where everyone can access it, and I don't even remember where it is? Maybe it fell into Izuna's careless hands, and who knows where it ended up?

Any excuse, no matter how stupid, will work to buy off the Hokage, but with his brother, it's a different story. He can already taste the repertoire of insults Tobirama will hurl at him, those dirty looks that will fill him with anger, and the urge to battle him like it's war all over again.

He decides there is no way of maintaining his mental health today if he can't find the damn document, and frantically rummages through all the drawers of his desk, one by one. Papers fly through the air, feathers, and ink spilled on the beautiful wood of his furniture, falling and staining the floor.

He worked hard for the paper to be politically perfect, without any terms or words that could ignite it’s recipients' ire, sentences idyllically conjugated and devoid of any errors, fool-proof. Of course, not himself-proof.

Madara runs his hands through his hair, tugging and trying to pull ideas from possible hiding places through the pain. He tightly clenches his teeth to keep himself from screaming, but the clock shows he doesn't have much time left.

In a desperate attempt, he turns to his room, shuffling through all his clothes and throwing garments everywhere. Soon, the place becomes a mess, with the bed unmade moved from place to place, clothing strewn all over the floor, and drawers opened and dismantled. All his personal belongings are left in plain sight, including jewelry and valuables, but the treaty is still missing.

The Uchiha sits up in bed, angry and frustrated, and starts punching pillows only to avoid lunging at the walls and tearing a hole in it, yet breaking the bed’s foundation along the way.

Soon, the whole scene looks like a battlefield, as if someone had broken in and tried to steal, searching for goodies and destroying everything in their path. Of course, Madara had the courtesy not to touch his wife's side, leaving her clothes and belongings where they always are, without moving or disturbing the order (Y/N) maintains of her things.

Her closet had not been opened or searched, her clothes were intact, and her jewelry as well. It was only his side of the room that seemed to have been broken into.

In the midst of the chaos and the beating of his poor pillow, a voice catches his attention from the bedroom door. "Aniki what the fuck happened here...?" Izuna asks without surprise, used to his older brother's fits of rage and the imperious need he has to break, hit, hurt.

As if enlightened by the god Indra himself, he feels hope, deeply counting on his younger brother to have some idea where said document may have gone. Madara’s eyes are bloodshot, he has a vein standing out profusely in the middle of his forehead, and he holds his poor pillow as if it were a person he is trying to suffocate.

When Izuna looks at him, he seems about to pounce and eat him alive. He feels like a Senju in wartime, taken as a target by the worst Uchiha of all.

Hoping whatever is happening to his older brother won't stop him from remembering they're family and he shouldn't kill his Otouto, he asks uncertainly, "Any explanation for this? We're all grown up now, Madara. Didn't all dad’s scolding help you with any-"

"WHERE IS IT?!"

Maybe Izuna was the one who took it from Madara's office, to read and analyze it. Maybe he found it lying somewhere in the house, keeping it out of concern for the importance of such a paper. Perhaps he took the liberty of putting it under lock and key, being aware of the monumental event unfolding on that sheet.

"What the fuck are you talking about! You're honestly scaring me, maybe it's better if I call Hash-"

"NO! ARE YOU CRAZY?! JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU PUT IT!"

"WHERE I PUT WHAT?!"

"THE TREATY!"

"THE TREATY?"

"YES, THE TREATY"

Seeing his younger brother's confused face, Madara realizes he is not involved in its disappearance. He probably doesn't even know what said paper is about, nor does he have any interest in knowing. Izuna had refused to participate in the construction of the village, in the new power system, and still has trouble adjusting to living with his former enemies so closely.

No matter how much the Uchiha leader tried to involve him, to share with him what happens in every meeting with the Hokage and his brother, he refused to listen, to admit things have changed and violence is no longer necessary.

To think he could be involved in the situation was his inner hope believing his younger brother was finally ready to accept everyone's new life.

"Listen, I have no fucking idea what you're talking about, but if you don't want me to call that fucking Senju, why don't we ask (Y/N)?"

Taking a deep breath and finally letting go of the tortured pillow, Madara breathes in through his nose and out through his mouth about three times, feeling his younger brother's restrained laughter from the doorway and the effort he makes not to tease him when he's angry.

"Why would (Y/N) have the peace treaty? She won't even step into my office; she despises all political matters. If she had stumbled across it around the house, in case I’m willing to admit I missed it, she would have delivered it to me in hand."

"Maybe she forgot, Aniki. We, humans, make mistakes and forget things! For example, the other day I was with this girl and-"

"Just shut your mouth and help me search."

Mentally apologizing to (Y/N), the Uchiha decides he can't let any chance slip away, and resolves to go through his wife's drawers. He is the one who takes care of the clothing, while his younger brother investigates her personal belongings and jewelry.

They both silently engage in the task, feeling like they are trespassing on boundaries they shouldn't be. If the situation wasn't desperate, Madara would never mess with her personal space.

After what feels like an eternity of unsuccessful searching, Izuna says, "You know... now that I think about it... On one of your trips, when you asked me to stay with her in your absence, I saw her placing things in a secret spot. I shouldn't have looked, I know, I know, don't even bother, I don't want to hear it, but maybe right now it will be useful for you."

Outraged by his younger brother's meddling but eager to discover a new searching possibility, Madara agrees to be guided to the place, with Izuna still endlessly justifying himself as to why he knew about it.

They both arrive at a chest hidden under the stairwell leading to the second floor, an object the Uchiha leader had never noticed there before. Made of dark wood, it camouflages with the dimness of the cramped space, remaining perfectly unnoticed.

There is a padlock on the lid, and he ponders as to why (Y/N) would shove something so important in there, without telling him anything, and then lock it up. It doesn't make any sense, but at this moment nothing does, and he agrees to trespass on his wife's last privacy boundary.

Crouching down in front of the chest and using the strength of his hands, he forcefully pulls the lock apart, its metal yielding weakly under his fingers as if it were made of plastic. It was clearly a symbolic barrier, a warning sign for no one to dare open it. It was not genuinely intended to protect, but to appeal to the conscience of whoever wished to violate it, and prevent them from doing so.

Madara could not afford to ignore the possibility.

"Aniki... are you sure it's worth it? Why would she put it there?"

At Izuna's words, the chest is left unguarded, with the older Uchiha hesitantly opening the lid. Inside are a pile of papers, notebooks, knick-knacks, and items resembling souvenirs.

It's like a time capsule of (Y/N)'s entire life, filled with photos and tidbits identifying her childhood and the course of her years. Madara feels like he's looking at something he shouldn't, but he doesn't react fast enough to stop his younger brother from taking the easiest notebook to reach and looking at its pages.

"Oh wow... Madara... maybe you should..."

From the ground, the Uchiha leader steals the book from his hands and begins to flip through the pages with the same amazement as Izuna.

Its pages are filled with drawings, professionally executed, perfect, and pleasing to the eye. The first works date back to ancient dates, scribbles without much sense and various objects, as if (Y/N) had been practicing.

Madara was unaware of his wife's talent and inwardly wonders why she never told him how good she was at her craft. As he continues to look through the same notebook, the younger Uchiha dives for another one in the bottom of the chest, enjoying it as if it were an adventure.

"Well... this just got weird..."

Not understanding, he receives the next notebook from Izuna's hands and analyzes it with amazement. This book, unlike the previous one, is entirely about human faces. Bodies, features, positions, and postures, different examples of the same person in different scenarios.

At first, he finds it hard to believe, but Madara finally understands why his brother considers it weird.

All the drawings are about him. Every figure, every face, every eye, and faction, posture, is him being traced on the white pages by (Y/N)'s hands. The first page consists of his face expressing different emotions. An angry drawing, a happy one, sad looking, a disgusted one.

The precision of her strokes is so accurate it's scary, but he can't stop seeing himself from (Y/N)'s point of view. The next one consists entirely of his body, his torso without a shirt, that scar on his chest placed exactly where he has it in real life, the mole on his arm in the same spot, and his groin line precisely matching.

The drawings vary in mood and style, from some suggestive to utterly adorable, each line's precession terrifyingly perfect.

At some point Izuna retreated, leaving him alone with the astonishing discovery and unwilling to take responsibility for having found (Y/N)'s secrets. The Uchiha leader, so absorbed in his stupor, did not even notice, continuing his analysis without interruption.

The time for the meeting with the Senjus passed, and it was Izuna who came forward on his behalf to take over the responsibility, covering for his older brother in his initial trouble and allowing him to enjoy their find.

Madara spent hours in front of the chest, pulling out notebook after notebook and finding tons of works portraying him, grinning like an idiot to himself at the love he feels for this woman and how lucky he is to be the subject of her art.

Maybe (Y/N) was embarrassed about it and kept it hidden from him, yet the Uchiha just wants to hold her so tightly as to smother her, fill her with kisses, and make love to her, all at the same time. He felt genuinely honored and happy of having such a lovely and talented person by his side.

EXAMPLE OF A SPECIAL AND UNIQUE ADDED SCENARIO

#uchiha madara x reader #madara uchiha x reader #madara x reader #uchiha madara #madara uchiha #izuna uchiha #uchiha izuna #izuna #ko fi commissions #uchiha commissions #naruto x reader #naruto shippuden #naruto imagines #naruto #uchiha clan

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fairydares · 8 months

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Reminiscing on the Hard Road (A Gruvia Fic)

Rating: M

Summary: While on his way to a mission, Gray reflects on the hardships, tears, battles, and triumphs which led to him and Juvia finding their happiness together. (Or: the story of how they finally, officially got together told through memories).

AO3 Link ; FFNet Link

Words: ~8,000

Warnings: Please read with caution as this contains adult themes & situations (though nothing explicit). Also swearing and allusions to mental illness, dissociation and depression symptoms especially. Man this feels like the end of a drug commercial. Enjoy!

AN: I realized how long it'd been since I updated Chasing Tails and was feeling really bad about it. I'm so sorry, guys! I've just been really busy! I don't have time to get Chapter 5 up tonight, but I do have the time to share this Gruvia piece I wrote a while ago as a karmic sort of apology.

With that in mind, this is a bit of a rough, long one-shot. It comes from a chapter in a larger, mostly Nalu-focused fic which I may or may not ever actually finish writing. Sooo it's not even really a one-shot so much as it's, like, a segment of a chapter from one. I also barely had time to clean it up ever so slightly.

However, I thought Gruvia fans would appreciate anyway. Maybe one day, I'll write the whole thing because I honestly think it could be a story, or maybe a series of drabbles? This is all you kids get for now, though, lol. no fucks given (just kidding this will keep me up nights.)

o(O)o

Ignoring Natsu's whining about still being motion sick from beside him, Gray buried his hands in his pockets and let his eyes engage in their favorite past-time: roaming the curves of the blue-haired woman walking in front of him.

Him and Juvia had officially been together for over half a year, but his eyes still snagged on the same places they always had. The sway of her blue hair, now long enough to partly obscure the pinch of her waist and flare of her hips with each swish. The pretty, cute flush that lived on her cheeks as she listened attentively to Erza, who was chattering about a famous desert shop in the area. The way shadow and light shifted over the curve of her rear. And—forever his most favorite—the exposed skin of her legs. Long, toned, moon white...and fucking perfect.

Gray felt his cheeks heat, but couldn't find it in himself to drag his eyes away. The solidness and length of their relationship did absolutely nothing to diminish the novelty of her beauty, like he might once have feared it would. Instead, it hypnotized him more surely than ever. Noticing all the men drooling over her figure as they walked past, Gray was aware of the sting of possessiveness and annoyance which rose in his chest, but was also easily able to ignore it.

He was as comfortable as any guy with a stunning girlfriend could be in his own jealousy, these days. More shockingly, so was Juvia, a fact that was plain from the way she shot only perfunctory glares at the women eyeing him and whispering to each other as they passed.

As he stared at her back, his lips quirked ever so slightly. It had taken time, tears, and work—more work than he could ever have anticipated—to get to this point in their relationship. But work had never been more worth it.

His mind wandered to reminiscence. To where it had all started, when they had started, after the 100-Year Quest had ended and he'd finally—with Lucy, Levy, and Erza's help—managed to ask Juvia to be his girlfriend.

"Not just 'yours'," Levy had insisted, explaining that phrasing would confuse her. "Your girlfriend."

He'd actually fought them on it. Not really because he had a problem with commitment anymore (okay, it was a little embarrassing, but not too much) but because the words "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" felt ridiculous, considering everything they'd been through. How deeply he cared about her. For crying out loud, they'd tried to kill themselves for each other. He'd kill for her, die for her, and—most importantly—he would live for her. Beyond making his ears feel like they were going to melt off, the word "girlfriend" felt trite.

But when Lucy and Levy demanded to know if that meant he was going to propose, he'd balked. Actually, having the m-word shoved right up against his nose kind of made his soul flee his body. As ready as he was for a romantic relationship, he wanted to go through the actual experience of having one. Like, with all the steps involved. In order. He was at the point in his life that he wanted it more than anything.

More importantly, he wanted to give Juvia that experience. He was determined to do right by her.

With the girls' reality check, and the point they'd made that ambiguity might make Juvia jump to the wrong conclusion or even hurt her, they'd convinced him. He'd been committed to making his long-awaited confession as special for Juvia as possible, complete with saying any embarrassing words she wanted to hear.

Gray still hadn't felt worthy of the love she gave him. He still struggled to believe he was a man who could protect her. But after everything he'd been through during the 100-Year-Quest, seeing how much she'd missed him the whole time, and his talk with Juvina-sama, he'd understood it was completely unfair to ask Juvia to wait for him to decide he was worthy enough to love her openly. He also wasn't above admitting that Juvina-sama's suggestion that she wouldn't wait forever had disquieted some irrational part of him enough to make him antsy, impatient to make absolutely sure they were exclusive.

He'd been completely flustered throughout his confession, but known it had gone as right as it could. Lucy, Levy, and Erza—who thought they'd been slick, hiding in a nearby bush to watch him confess—had agreed. (Lucy had annoyed him to no end by teasing him over how "adorable" he'd been.)

And yet...Juvia's response hadn't been quite what Gray hoped. Lucy hadn't noticed it, but he had. He didn't know exactly when it had happened, but at some point, he'd learned to read the Water Mage like an open book. For how sincere a person she was—a trait he was all too familiar with—Juvia could also be surprising, even mysterious. As transient as water, with hidden depths you'd never know a thing about unless you were willing to dive beneath the surface.

When Gray confessed, he'd braced himself for joyous screaming. He'd planned to freeze a literal flood of tears before it could wash them both away. He'd been prepared to get a concussion from how hard she'd glomp him in the street. But while she had said yes, demurely accepted the roses, and hugged him plenty tight...her response had been subdued. In hindsight, he could see the pattern her reaction fit: the way her gaze had dropped to the street despite her happy flush, the hesitant, nervous gleam in her eyes, the limited verbal response.

The only times she'd ever acted that way had been when he actually reciprocated some of her affection. When he'd promised to give her a straight answer, after he defeated END. When he'd given her a one-armed hug and said he was glad her "body" was safe, after he'd saved her from that wood bastard.

Something had been wrong. But when the girls who'd spied on him only gushed afterwards, not seeming to have noticed anything off, he'd shrugged off his concerns, assuming it was his own lack of romantic literacy. He'd been nervous, but also really excited to learn.

But as their relationship officially began...it quickly became obvious that there was a problem, and that a one-sided approach to fixing it just wasn't going to cut it.

Juvia had always been prone to mood swings severe enough to make Gray's head spin, but as soon as they started dating, her mood seemed to sink. He'd try to ask her about it only for her to put on an obviously fake, cheery front and insist she was fine.

At first, he was sure it must be his fault. He'd had no idea what he was doing wrong. At that point, the guilt he felt for not taking Juvia's feelings seriously for so long, for abandoning her in Amefurashi Village, and for nearly letting her die in an attempt to save him had been taking a serious toll on him. The guilt had sometimes left him ragged. Every time she seemed down, he beat himself up and tried to do better. Talking, dates, spending time together (even when it meant ditching missions he really wanted to go on with the team), accepting her gifts and acting happy about them (no matter how much they creeped him out).

But the more he'd tried to make up for everything, the worse it seemed to get. He watched her frustration rise as he tried to be more openly affectionate, her denials that she was frustrated getting louder. More and more, she gave, but when he gave back, she'd look ready to explode or burst into tears.

What had made everything come to a head was the sex. A surprise in itself. For all the ways their relationship had suffered, sex had never been one of them. It'd started back in the cabin they shared in Amefurashi Village. From the first night they'd moved in together, Juvia had not-so-surprisingly tried to edge her way into Gray's bed constantly. She'd use excuses of cold weather, make puppy eyes, and sew nauseatingly pink coupley bed sheets to try to lure him (when, he still had no idea).

Meanwhile, he struggled more and more to pretend he didn't find (most of) her antics adorable. Not to mention incredibly tempting. Things escalated to where he'd feel his excitement rising towards the end of their daily training sessions, to the point his body became conditioned to react when he saw the damn sun set.

He also felt increasing dread at the notion of having to turn Juvia down—and for having to sneak out in the middle of every night to "take care" of the problem she always left him with (cold showers didn't exactly work for an Ice Wizard).

Finally, one night, she'd pouted and whined that she was sore from training and begged for a massage. Gray didn't know if it was the fact she was asking him for something instead of offering; the unbelievably cute, sparkly-eyed, hopeful glances she kept sneaking at him; or the fact he could tell she actually was sore from the way her face would pinch as she attempted to stretch provocatively in front of him, but his resolve had shattered.

Before he could think and without a word, he'd lifted his covers and held her gaze, not bothering to hide the dark promise in his eyes.

Her reaction had been priceless. He'd never forget it.

His acceptance seemed to knock the breath straight out of her. Her eyes had gone round as saucers, staring into his eyes like she couldn't believe what she was seeing. Her cheeks had darkened. She'd stood stunned for so long that he'd started to get nervous, wondering if she'd only been being playful all this time, not really meaning to come on to him or maybe not expecting him to ever accept. But just as he'd been trying to field the disappointment sinking his heart and trying to think of how to promise he wouldn't do anything she didn't want, she'd hesitantly approached the bed, trembling.

After giving her the massage she'd asked for, he'd rewarded her bravery three times over.

After that, for the very first time, the dynamic of their relationship shifted in one, important way—the one which would force him to finally confront his own heart:

In terms of their physical relationship, he became the more dominant one. In this one aspect of their shared life, he chased. Gray flustered Juvia. He hadn't been able to get enough. What had once been a relentless, one-sided pursuit (one where she had, admittedly, been gaining on him without his notice) became a dance which had addicted him before he knew it.

The notion of reciprocating her feelings had once had him running for the hills. So it had been a huge shock to learn just how much he liked it.

She was so obviously happy and disbelieving that first time he slipped her clothes off in the moonlit dark, cursing over her beauty. Utterly awestruck when he'd seen to her pleasure (twice, he still liked to remember proudly) before even considering his own. Sex was the first time he heard her speak in the first-person, the first time she said his name without adding "-sama" (since that battle in the rain, anyway.)

It was when he lost himself in her soft skin, her passion, and her pleasure that some part of him was able to accept the truth she'd had the grace to surrender to from the very beginning.

The shift in their sex life was also when he'd started to twig something wasn't right between them. After Alvarez was when he'd started it back up. His plan had been to wait until he was able to reciprocate her feelings verbally, like he'd promised, but almost losing her had broken him in a way some part of him would never truly recover from. Between that and his final, full acceptance of his own feelings, there'd been no restraining himself. He'd come onto her with all the subtlety of a freight train the second they were alone.

Even then, something hadn't been quite right. She hadn't been herself, quiet enough that—even as...compromised as his critical thinking skills had been, at the time, and even in his heightened emotional state—he'd noticed. He'd pulled back and asked if she was okay, but when her response had simply been to drag him back in for a kiss that made his knees weak, he'd taken it as a yes and matched her passion enthusiastically.

She kept staying quiet in bed. It bothered the hell out of him, and he badgered her about it more than once, but would ultimately let it go when she insisted she was fine. In his defense, there had been a lot of reasons she could've become subdued. They had just fought a war. They were all exhausted from fixing the town and working to build peace in Fiore.

But after the 100-Year Quest and after his confession, she got even weirder. He noticed it all the time, in every aspect of their relationship, but it was especially noticeable in bed, when they were so close to each other, both completely vulnerable.

When they'd cohabitated, he'd almost always been the one to start something. He'd enjoyed that. He'd even (hell, especially) enjoyed the way she'd flirt, pretend to be oblivious to his advances, pout and blush and make him impress her, coax him to the brink of losing his mind before finally caving to both of their desires. Those times where he went from prey to predator had balanced their entire relationship, satisfying both of them.

Gray wasn't some slimeball who needed sex, but he did need some balance in their dynamic. The private, physical side of their relationship was just where it'd happened to play out. It could've played out anywhere in their relationship, if they were off sex for a while for whatever reason.

But as soon as they became official, it became clear she'd fight tooth and nail to make sure that never happened.

She came onto him. Every. Single. Time. He'd been a little surprised, but happy enough. At first. But as he pushed her to talk to him harder and she denied louder, he'd started to guess that something was genuinely, really wrong.

She didn't speak in the first-person when they were intimate, any more. She didn't drop the "-sama." Even worse, he started to suspect she was seducing him even when she wasn't really in the mood. Almost like she felt like she had to.

It had been one such time when he finally flipped his shit. Even now, walking behind her and appreciating her curves, the memory made his mood falter a little.

He regretted how he'd handled things. It shamed him to remember how he'd all but shoved her off him and refused to do anything else with her until she was ready to tell him whatever the hell was going on inside that crazy, watery head of hers. It was an ultimatum. A cruelly-put one, at that. He hadn't realized just how hurt and angry he was until the words flew out of his mouth.

Juvia had opened up, alright.

In fact, she'd exploded.

They'd screamed at each other, horrible things Gray could hardly stand to repeat even in his own head. She'd demanded that he quit wasting both their time and leave her again, like they both knew he would. He'd asked how stupid she could be to think he'd do that, when he was obviously dedicated enough to put up with her psycho stalker gifts. She'd retorted that her "psycho stalker gifts" didn't seem to have any affect on his libido. He'd yelled that she was the one jumping his bones, ever since he'd asked her out. She'd said that was because she actually cared about his happiness, implying that was something he'd never understand.

She'd ended the black, ugly fight with four hoarse words that ripped his heart out of his chest: "This is over, Gray-sama!"

His apartment door had slammed behind her.

He'd been too shocked and devastated to do anything but watch her go, not even managing to stagger to the door and chase after her until she was long-gone. Black curse power had swirled across his skin as he pelted to the guild, growling in frustration when he didn't find her there. Then he'd run all the way to the female dorms at Fairy Hills only to be deterred by Erza, who met him at the gate. She hadn't known anything about his and Juvia's fight, but she'd been drawn by his yelling.

His older sister figure had knocked him out "for his own good."

The next afternoon, Gray had woken up in his own bed. Not bothering to see if he was dressed (it would turn out he wasn't) he'd booked straight to the guild only to be devastated by the news that Juvia had taken a long-term S-class quest just that morning, news which was delivered by a sympathetic Mira.

Sure that it was over, that he'd ruined everything, he'd drunk himself sick—then kept drinking, swinging fists at anyone and everyone who tried to console him until, finally, in the wee hours of the next morning, Gajeel managed to knock him out of it.

The hostility, Gray had expected. Gajeel was Juvia's best friend; of course he was angry to learn that Gray had done something to upset her so much, she'd left for a Quest that could take months or even years to finish without so much as a word to Gajeel or any of their other comrades.

What did surprise Gray was the understanding Gajeel eventually showed.

Gray got his ass knocked flat by the Iron Dragon Slayer. From his back on the ground, he started to spit out what happened. With each word, the larger man had visibly calmed. After enough had come out, he'd awkwardly helped Gray to his feet (his own, gruff brand of apology.) He'd helped Gray sober up, then he'd given him a pep talk.

He'd refused to explain his own guesses as to what was going on with Juvia, insisting "who knows what goes on in that water witch's head." But he'd also insisted that whatever was going on, it for damn sure wasn't what Gray thought, which was that he'd hurt her too badly for her to love him anymore.

"She's obsessed with you," the man had said, scowling in disgust. "She's always been obsessed with you. She's way too stubborn to let it go that easy. It's annoying."

By six AM, Gajeel Redfox—of all people—had talked Gray into chasing after the love of his life. He'd even used his Iron Magic to create a lockpick which got them into the archive room, where they'd found Mira's records...and Juvia's location.

He'd barely had the time to register the irony of her quest's location before he was gone, shooting Gajeel a gruff "thanks" over his shoulder and running home to pack.

It'd been raining when he finally walked into Amefurashi Village.

He hadn't consciously known where to start looking when he arrived, but his feet—following some combination of muscle memory and the fate he'd fought for so long—had carried him to the place where the word "home" had changed for him: the cabin he and Juvia had shared. Where they'd grown together. Taken care of each other.

Where he'd left her. Hurt her. Even if most of the reason to do so was because he wanted to protect her, he couldn't stop hating himself for that.

She was standing outside the place, drenched and shivering, when he got there. As if sensing his arrival as surely as he'd known where to find her, Juvia had turned to look at Gray with eyes that were glassy above flushed cheeks. She'd wavered on her feet.

As soon as she'd whispered his name, she'd toppled. Gray's bag had landed in a puddle with a splashy thunk. He'd lunged to catch her like his life depended on it.

Shouting her name had earned him no response, but pressing the back of his hand to her forehead had been enough to convince him that she had a seriously high fever.

Strangely, as worried as he'd been about her, he hadn't even thought to bring her back to Wendy or seek a nearer healer. In hindsight, he was sure that deep down, he'd realized it would do no good; she wasn't physically ill, but heartsick, just as he was. He'd felt lower than the mud gathering around his boots.

He'd been surprised to discover that he had to break into their old home, and rapidly deduced that Juvia hadn't been staying at their old cabin even though she'd been standing outside of it, both from that fact and the fact that none of her stuff was there.

As soon as he lay her in the bed which had once been his before becoming theirs, she'd begun shivering. For the first time in his life, Gray cursed that he was an Ice Wizard instead of a Fire Wizard.

He'd run outside, grabbed his bag, then come back in—only to curse again when he unclasped the bag only to discover that all its contents were soaked. Thinking quickly, he'd stripped his wet clothes, then hers. He'd climbed into bed with her.

"'M sorry, Gray-sama..." she'd slurred her sleep. "Juvia's so sorry...Juvia had to...I just had to..."

He'd shushed her, rubbing her arms to try to warm her up. "It's okay, Juvia. I know, my love. It's okay..."

He'd kept holding her and whispering soft comfort to her until she'd finally stopped shivering, at which point his frantic worry had abated enough that he could fully admit to himself how good it felt to have her in his arms, her skin against his. How warm she was. How perfectly she fit against him. How much he missed her. She was right there, as close as another person could ever be to him. Yet with how things had been between them lately and how lost she was to fever, he'd never felt further away.

Apparently, he'd fallen asleep at some point, because when he awoke, it was to the rising sun blazing at him from the center of the cabin window. Ignoring his body's reaction to waking up in the arms of the very naked, beautiful woman he happened to be in love with, Gray had instantly dropped his hand to Juvia's forehead, sighing in relief when it became clear her fever had reduced. She wasn't better, but she was getting there.

Quickly figuring out what needed done, he'd dropped a tender kiss to her warm forehead, murmuring a threat against her sweaty hairline: "You'd better not even think of running away again, crazy woman. We are going to talk when I get back."

Gray had dressed, glanced back, and left. He'd met up with he client—a rich and unfortunately good-looking asshole about Gray's age who was way too disappointed Juvia, herself, wasn't the one who'd shown up. Through gritted teeth, Gray informed the bastard it would be a couple days before he and his partner (he was sure to emphasize those words several times) would be able to begin investigating the dark guild threatening the area, as she'd fallen ill.

It annoyed him to no end that the creep seemed genuinely concerned about this, trying to insert himself, demand to see her, and attempting to coax Gray into revealing her location (Gray couldn't help the pleasure and hope which rose in his chest, when he learned she hadn't told this guy wherever it was she was staying; obviously, she'd had no interest in sharing that information.)

The client had thrown a rich boy tantrum when Gray refused to tell him anything, but ultimately let him go when Gray promised Juvia would be there in a couple days (not bothering to mention that he would absolutely be there, too.)

He'd gone to pick up medicine and food. He'd grabbed all the ingredients he could remember for something hearty, mild, and delicious she used to make him when they lived together, a chicken stew that tasted like something he could remember from childhood. Those ingredients, medicine, ginger tea...anything he could think of that might help her feel better, he purchased, barely noting price.

Juvia had been waiting on the porch wrapped only in a blanket when he returned, flushed with both fever and anger.

They'd both been pissed at each other. While Gray locked horns with Juvia's amorous creep of a client, she had apparently been discovered by the landlord who owned their old cabin and only barely managed to talk him out of his anger, ultimately having to pay double their old monthly rent to keep him from calling the authorities—all while wrapped only in a blanket.

A brief yelling match had ensued. It ended when Juvia began coughing rather violently, Gray dropping his groceries in the mud to run to her. Even as she insisted she was fine, he'd ushered her into the cabin, forcing her to sit before he went back out to grab the food he'd bought.

Her face had gone funny when he began grouchily unloading chicken, rice, broth, veggies, and herbs. When he (somewhat defensively) asked what the hell she was staring at, she'd haltingly asked if he'd bought all of that for her. Exasperated, he'd told her of course he had, she'd had him worried sick.

The groceries had been abandoned when she burst into tears.

It had taken several minutes of heart-wrenching sobs on Juvia's part and coaxing on Gray's for the conversation to actually begin.

During their ugly fight in his apartment, she'd exploded.

Here, in the lonely home they'd once shared, she imploded.

While the groceries thawed and dripped on the kitchen counter, Juvia sobbed the whole, messy, painful truth into his chest. She told him everything. She told him how, deep down, she'd always known she wasn't worthy of having her love reciprocated by him. It had been true from the moment they'd met, when she'd been part of Phantom Lord, but remained true no matter how long she'd been at Fairy Tail. That was how she'd put it: "I always knew I wasn't worthy of Gray-sama's love." Not only because of her past, but because of how annoying she was. How gloomy. How creepy and obnoxious.

Gray hadn't even had time to express his horror at the fact she thought those things before she'd been plowing on, her tears only getting thicker and her words only making his heart sink lower.

She said knowing she didn't deserve his love had turned to knowing she didn't deserve to love him at all, when she'd killed Keyes to free Gray's father from his undead life. But even though "Gray-sama had been wonderful enough to forgive Juvia," she'd continued to hate herself, deep down.

She told him that sharing a life in the cabin they were currently in had, for her, been the sweetest kind of torture. That she'd never been so happy—and never felt more undeserving. For the first time, she told him that she'd only had one lover before Gray, some piece of shit named "Bora" who'd never cared about her or her pleasure. Gray had been nothing like him, attentive, caring, and as invested in her pleasure as he was in his own. At first, feeling so cared for had been as overwhelming as it was amazing, but by the time Gray started to pull away from her for his mission, the overwhelmed feelings had slowly begun to fade, letting her forget everything but the happiness she felt with him.

Juvia told him that the day he abandoned her to infiltrate Avatar, everything which she'd started to believe could feel right began to feel wrong, and everything which had felt wrong began to feel right. She'd never felt she deserved to be loved by Gray the way she loved him. Being left by him had, in a horrible way, made her feel like the world was how it was supposed to be.

But it had also ripped her apart.

It had destroyed any confidence she'd begun to gain in herself.

She told him that she resented being abandoned. Resented not being told about his mission to infiltrate a Dark Guild, not just because of their relationship, but because she had once been in a Dark Guild, and could potentially have helped his and Erza's Mission. She'd not only felt betrayed on a personal level, but disrespected as a Mage with no small amount of skill and experience.

It was a side to the issue which he had, shameflly, never considered.

He was mortified when she'd finally let herself chastise him for this—especially when he'd tried to defend himself by bringing up details of his mission only to be instantly struck down and ripped apart by someone who was, in fact, very obviously more knowledgeable about the inner workings of Dark Guilds than either he or Erza ever had been. Hell, Juvia could probably have run the mission almost as well as Jellal had.

For the first time, he saw just how beneficial it would have been to have her on board, despite Erza urging him not to get her involved. He should've gone against her orders, asked forgiveness instead of permission. Over the course of that one conversation, it was clear that having her on board would have shortened the length of their mission by probably several months.

But worse than the benefits they'd missed out on, in infiltrating Avatar, worse than the fact that she resented him, was her admission that she hated herself for that resentment.

She'd apologized. So many times. Too many times to count. Each apology was another crack in Gray's heart. He'd tried to ask her to stop, but they'd just kept slipping out anyway. It was like she couldn't help it.

She'd told him that over time, as she got to know the other women in Fairy Tail—Lucy, Cana, and Levy—she'd realized just how unworthy she was of the care Gray held for even just his friends. She just hadn't been forced to confront her own lacking sense of self-worth...until he openly reciprocated her feelings.

She said that the second he confessed, part of her felt wrong. Like she'd donned someone else's skin—someone who was worth being loved by Gray. Her guilt, her knowledge that she wasn't worthy of him, her bitterness, her self-hatred...all of it had come rushing to the surface.

She told him that, as unworthy as she'd felt, she'd been too selfish to reject him. Too angry at the thought of him being with someone else. Her own selfishness made her feel even worse than before. She'd been determined to be worthy of him, and so she had sought to pay every ounce of love he gave her three times over. At least.

It hadn't made her feel any better. No matter how hard she tried to be sure to pay him back, every time Gray took her on a date or made love to her, it made her skin crawl, because she didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve his love, his affection, or even his attention. He deserved better, and she was nowhere close to deserving him. She never would be.

If there had been even one last, single sliver of a doubt as to how he felt about this woman, it died then and there. Nothing—not his own guilt, being screamed at, or being broken up with—nothing could hurt worse than being made aware of what a hard time she was having. Learning just how badly she'd been dissociating during all their most precious moments. How much pain she was in. How little she thought of herself. How deep her scars ran.

He'd have given anything to take her pain away. He'd have given anything to change it. Right then, he couldn't think of a single thing he wouldn't have done to make her see herself as he saw her: the energetic, caring, fierce Mage he'd come to know. The woman who always eclipsed everything else for just a second, the first time he saw her every day.

He'd wanted to tell her all that, and more. He wanted to apologize. He'd wanted to tell her how badly he missed her after he'd left her here, that this place had been home for him, too. He'd wanted to tell her how much she meant to him, that no day without her smile even felt real, but his voice had been stuck behind a lump of misery and all he'd been able to do, for a very long time, was lay in their bed and hold her while she cried the rest of it out. He wasn't too ashamed to admit he lost a couple tears in her hair, too.

Over the twilight of time it had taken for her sobs to turn hoarse, then to whimpers, then sniffles, guilt, emotional exhaustion, an anguish washed over Gray in their turn.

Until finally, he hardened all of those feelings into resolve.

"I'm really thankful that you're here. For always being beside me..."

Those were the words Gray had said to her before Alvarez, and he'd meant them. For years, Juvia had done nothing but be there for him. Even when he didn't want her there, she stayed right next to him, quietly piecing together his heart and his trust. It killed him that the woman who'd confronted him with her love, made him face down his own weakness, always thought of him, and helped him so much more than he could ever truly thank her for had been hiding so much of her own pain. He wished she would have told him any of this all the times he'd pushed and asked.

But he couldn't blame her for that. Maybe she hadn't opened up to him before then, but her mentions of her days in Phantom and of that shithead ex of hers had driven home, with stark clarity, a realization he wished he'd made a lot sooner: Juvia didn't know how to open up like Gray had tried to demand, because she hadn't grown up somewhere like Fairy Tail.

Unlike Gray and Natsu and the others, she hadn't been taught to bare her pain, hadn't always known there would be someone to listen to her, cry with her, be on her side. While Gray had been fought, teased, and accepted for exactly who he was (more often his whole self than not) Juvia had been abandoned by every single person in her life except Gajeel and those who'd wanted to use her for their own ends. Gray abandoning her had only confirmed what she'd been taught was inevitable.

But the Ice Mage wouldn't linger on that. He wouldn't give any more time to despair.

It was his turn now, he realized. His turn to stay beside her even when it was hard, and do the work. Now, he just had to figure out how. But while he'd been trying to do that, had been gathering his words, Juvia had recovered enough to speak once more.

She'd apologized again. She'd told him that she knew this was too much, that all of this was too much...that she was too much. For the times they'd shared, she thanked him quietly, eyes bright with yet more tears and refusing to meet his as she continued that she'd had to let Gray go because she wanted him to be happy, and she'd finally, finally realized she could never do that for him, not really. Then she'd tried to push him away, and as Gray had tightened his grip, he'd realized he didn't need to figure out what to do, what to say, or how to love her.

She'd been showing him all along.

After a deep breath, the words had come low, and easier than he'd thought. He told her she was right, all of this was a lot...but also that he was so, so happy she'd finally told him what was really going on. He'd been as gentle as possible when he told her he could see how difficult and scary it had been for her to open up about all this and that he was proud of how brave she'd been for doing so, but she'd started crying again anyway, so he'd had to carry on with a shakier, hoarser voice.

He'd apologized. For everything. For not taking her feelings seriously for so long, for not seeing her when she needed to be seen, for leaving her behind and hurting her so badly she'd gotten sick. He hadn't been dismissing her abilities as a Mage so much as he'd been trying to protect her, but that was no excuse. "High-handed and cruel" was a generous way to describe his behavior, and he finally saw that. He'd told her that if he could take it back, he would. But he couldn't. He could only promise to never, ever leave her like that again, and he was more than ready to make that promise. He had been for a long time, since well into the 1oo Years Quest. If she'd only give him another chance, he'd show her.

At this point, Juvia had obviously started to twig that this conversation wasn't going to go how she planned, with Gray accepting she was too burdensome and unworthy for him and leaving her alone like everyone else had left her, because she'd started kicking up a fuss, forcing him to hold her there again.

"Let Juvia go, Gray-sama!" she'd demanded shakily, sounding like she was barely clinging to her determination. But Gray had refused. He refused to let her go like this, not until she'd heard him out.

As brief as the ensuing argument had been, it was also one of the most frustrating conversations Gray had ever taken part in (and he'd fought Natsu on basically every cock-and-bull-ass plan he'd ever come up with.)

He'd tried desperately to insist that while Juvia could be creepy and he did find rain somewhat gloomy, she was not worthless or annoying or obnoxious. He'd tried to tell her that she did make him happy. He'd tried to tell her how he felt about her.

Juvia had not responded well.

A wall had slammed up in her eyes, the same blank one he'd met on that fateful, rainy day so long ago. As she'd kept denying, and he'd kept pushing, their voices had gotten louder. Eventually, Gray had realized it was raining outside the window next to their bed again, and that was the one thing that had forced him to take a step back from his own frustration. Lucky, because if he hadn't, he might have flown off the handle and ruined everything all over again.

Looking down at her, he'd forced himself to cool off and realized he was being unfair; he was asking her to take an entire journey in one leap, to unlearn a lifetime's-worth of lessons about her own worthlessness over the course of a single conversation. No one could do that. It was an unreasonable thing to ask.

And so, when he'd finally gathered his wits and perspective enough, he'd said, "You don't have to agree with me. You don't have to agree with my feelings for you. But you have to believe that they're real...and you have to at least consider my side."

Juvia's eyes had gone wide. As they regained their sparkle, he'd refused to break eye contact. Slowly, the rain had stopped, leaving them in the silent hut.

After what felt like years, she'd shakily whispered, "O-okay."

And Gray had known that they were finally, finally getting somewhere.

Quietly and slowly, with their hands intertwined between their chests and their foreheads pressed together, they'd pieced together a fragile plan. They would stay together and be as they had been, but from now on, they were both going to make a concerted effort to be honest and rebuild trust. Gray started by admitting that missing out on Quests with his team had really started to bum him out, and while this seemed to sadden Juvia at first, she admitted after some thought that in being with Gray, she hadn't been nurturing her own friendships with her friends like Gajeel and Meredy. Lucy had also asked for help training her in Water Magic, and Juvia had declined so far even though she was interested in having someone to teach.

Gray had encouraged all of this...and he'd encouraged her to visit Porlyusica, too, when they got home. The old lady was hardly a Mental Healer, but she'd hopefully be able to help them find someone who was, someone objective and removed from the situation who Juvia could talk to openly. One thing which had sunk in fully for Gray over the course of Juvia's heartrending speech was that it was going to take a lot of time, work, and love to get Juvia to a better place. There was no way the two of them could do it alone.

They'd talked and planned until their voices were hoarse...and then they'd not talked for even longer. Juvia once again dropped the "-sama." She let him come to her. She didn't just surrender herself to him the way she had when they had each other before in their cabin, she'd given him even more—in his arms, she'd bared a small and precious part of herself Gray had never even realized she hid from him.

Over the course of the month they spent in that cabin, he'd cherished everything she gave him more than most men could've in twice the amount of time. How they'd managed to deal with that Dark Guild months and months ahead of schedule, he would never understand, because his head had never been less in the game. Neither of them had been able keep their hands off each other for more than an hour when they were alone together.

Neither had been particularly disappointed when that crotchety old landlord refused to give them back any part of their months' rent. Instead, they'd stayed till June was up breaking the place in thoroughly.

"It's payback for him being a jackass to you!" Gray had once playfully defended against her neck, pinning her against the kitchen counter and grinning as she gigglingly scolded him.

He only prayed no one ever took a UV Lacrima to the inside of that place. They'd go blind. He'd taken her on the couch, over it, against the walls, on the counters and tables, and in more positions than he'd previously known existed in that bed. When they returned home, a bunch of people had pointed out that they both looked like they'd lost weight. Gray didn't doubt it, after all the—

"...seriously, none of you know what it's like, every time we travel...OI, STRIPPER, YOU MAYBE WANNA QUIT EYE-FUCKING YOUR GIRLFRIEND WHEN WE'RE IN PUBLIC, YOU GODDAMN PERVERT?!"

The absolute last voice Gray wanted to hear when he was thinking about such great, intimate things yanked him out of his reflections in the most unpleasant of ways. An expression crossed between a scowl and a grimace consumed his features.

"Gray-sama!?" Juvia spluttered, craning her neck to peer at them over her shoulder with wide eyes. She looked half-scolding, half...affected as her cheeks went rose red.

Gray felt his own face grow hot as he turned to glare furiously at the pink-haired, disgusted-and-disgusting-looking bane of his existence.

"Would you keep your voice down, Dragon Boy?! I was not 'eye-fucking' Juvia!" His cheeks burned hotter as an elderly woman passing by shot him a deeply disapproving look.

"The hell you weren't!" Natsu snapped, drawing even more attention. "I could see all your gross, perverted thoughts right there in those droopy eyes of yours!"

"ARGH! So what?!" Gray just wanted this fight to be over, and figured that sort of admitting to what he'd been doing was the quickest way to make that happen. "Can't a guy even look at his girlfriend without pink-haired, flame-brained losers getting involved?!"

"THE HELL YOU JUST CALL ME?!"

"OH, SO YOU'RE DEAF AS WELL AS BRAINLESS, NOW?!"

"THAT'S IT, I'VE HAD IT! YOU'RE DEAD, YOU ICY BAS—"

"That's enough."

Uncharacteristically subdued and uninvolved though Erza's command was, it was enough to have both Natsu and Gray cringing and sweating in fear almost instantly.

"A-aye!" they squeaked, then sighed in relief as she shot them one last glare and clanked away.

"Ah, it always goes this way." Happy folded his little blue sausage arms over his chest and tsked. "If only Gray had kept his perverted eyes on himself, we wouldn't even be talking about this."

"And just how the heck is one supposed to 'keep their eyes on themselves', huh?" Gray growled up at the floating Exceed.

"By not being you, apparently!" he cackled back, Natsu soon joining him in his obnoxious guffawing.

"Why, you—! Get back here, you little shit!" Gray made a random grab at the little creep only to curse as he missed his tail by about a centimeter.

Meanwhile, Juvia clasped her still-red cheeks with her hands and donned an all-too-familiar, starry-eyed expression. "Juvia does not mind at all if Gray-sama...covets Juvia in public! How Juvia adores Gray-sama's passion!"

Gray flinched as if he'd been whipped in the back. In a second flat, he was blushing again. "O-oi, Juvia—!" he started, scrambling to find a way to get her to calm down before she came onto him in public.

(Again.)

"However," she continued before he figured out how to distract her, turning to look at him with a mischievous twinkle in her eye. "If Gray-sama is going to covet Juvia on a public street, Juvia thinks he should at least wear clothes."

"Wha—?! CRAP!" Gray shouted as soon as he realized he'd stripped down to his boxers. "When did that happen!?"

Juvia wrinkled her nose cutely and giggled while he scrambled for his clothes. When he was finally yanking his jacket on, he shot her a playful glare only for his lips to quirk when she winked and sauntered after Erza.

That little...she'll get it later, he thought with a huff before shoving his hands in his pockets and strolling after her. He was well aware that he was full-on grinning, now, and didn't care in the slightest.

Little interactions like that...those were the fruits of all the hard work they—especially Juvia—had done when they got back from that S-Class mission. Gray had been prepared for it to be grueling and difficult, to fight. "Relationships take work" was a piece of advice he'd heard plenty, since he started asking for advice about how to love Juvia.

But what he'd never expected to find was that, while it was hard sometimes, it was work he was all too willing and capable of doing, because it was for her. For them. And what no one had told him was that, while loving someone meant their pain became yours, it also meant that their triumphs became yours, too.

Some days had been worse than others. Even though she'd been talking to a friend of Porlyusica's and made an impressive effort to spend more times with her friends, there were moments where Gray had felt like Juvia was back at square one. But he'd been there beside her, encouraging her every step of the way while she healed, learned that he wouldn't leave her again, learned that she was worth all of it. And slowly but surely, she'd healed.

That was what no one had told him: that every time she huffed at him to do his own laundry, teased him, sassed him into taking her on a real date, and even turned him down for sex, that he would feel such a huge rush of pride and triumph.

It was true that the road had been hard, but Gray had walked it with Juvia, and that had made every step worth it.

o(O)o

AN: Ah, sorry I don't have the time to edit this now and make it more cohesive! Also that I can't publish my next chapter of Chasing Tails just yet! I definitely, definitely will come back to edit this piece one day and make it better after I've done that. In the meantime, Happy Belated Gruvia Day!

P.S.: Fun Fact! I named this partly after one of my all-time favorite fics from a completely different fandom. The Hard Road by wthtonibelle, a Kacchako fic (from the My Hero Academia fandom) which is written in a similar way and has similar themes, only it's longer and better lol. check it out if you're so inclined!

#fairy tail #gruvia #gruvia fan fiction #gruvia fanfiction #fairy tail fanfiction #fairy tail fan fiction #gray fullbuster #juvia lockser

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bad-surprise · 9 months

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⭐️directors commentary of your choice please?

i held onto this for a minute because i knew i wanted to wait until the fic was complete (same for museum, that’s sitting in my inbox for now)

apologies in advance, this is a long one.

but i thought you might

haladriel modern au | E | 135.4k | 26/26

but i thought you might (bitym) began as a promptfill i posted on december 9th, 2022— the day i created my fandom twitter account.

at very basic level, bitym is a story about purity culture and the impact it has on those who grow up within it, even if they believe they never bought into the conditioning. it taught me that i love writing about sex— particularly deeply psychological sex scenes that reveal new info about the characters and their relationship, motivations, and overall dynamic.

it really only exists because my husband had covid that week, and because i was exposed but tested negative we were isolating separately. i had a lot of time to fill and spent a lot of it daydreaming, listening to music, and writing little bits of a story in my notes app. there was a very clear moment where hal’s voice just clicked for me and the first chapter came together from there. chapters 1, 2, the last half of 4, and 5 were all written first, back when i thought it would be an 8k one shot. i still have the draft of this, along with another one shot version of it.

it was inspired by memories of high school, particularly one off-campus lunch senior year where a friend confessed that she and her boyfriend had sex and she enjoyed it and didn’t know what to do with that. i believe my response was “i’m pretty sure you’re supposed to like it,” but she started crying. hal and gal’s high school is largely based on the private religious school i attended, and when i imagine their campus, that’s the image in my mind.

i really struggled to find a title, and sort of impulsively chose a line from home by daughter because i thought that song captured the right vibe.

personally, the story only becomes something i’m not embarrassed by around chapter 6. i knew what i was writing towards at that point but only in vague terms. going back into hal’s pov there for the first time since chapter 2 really clarified things for me. i’m not proud of it until chapter 10.

note: spoilers for the entirety of but i thought you might below.

many of my favorite elements were happy accidents, including the introduction of luthien, the two year time jump in chapter 11, the entire diner scene, and hal going to therapy. in conversations with my husband, i was adamant for so long that bitym!hal would never go to therapy. i underestimated what he would be willing to do for gal.

i didn’t really know the ending until around march, and a key aspect of it changed while drafting the penultimate chapter. the original ending i had in mind was incredibly dark, much closer to the shark in your water. it was initially going to be a story about hal thinking he was free from the religious conditioning but turning out to be just as toxic as fin, and galadriel coming to terms with being trapped. i was terrified when this changed and so so scared that hal would lose empathy from readers because of what he did, but ultimately that doesn’t seem to have happened.

the process of writing felt like constant excavation. i felt my way through the story intuitively, with a very flexible list of some plot points in my mind, but i was pretty much flying blind here. i’m so glad it worked out alright in the end.

easter eggs/random bits of info

references

“but they say you have the voice of an angel” is a reference to the music of the ainur

many celebrian moments were inspired by tiktoks and reddit posts.

“the last person i dated was awful” from chapter 17 (i think?) is the only morgoth reference in the whole fic. i debated including him but it ultimately felt like too much work to add it in and i don’t think the story needed it.

when hal’s telling galadriel how he lost his virginity, he says “she had a boyfriend anyway”. this is a reference to the song sex by the 1975.

in chapter 18, the event the girls go to is a reference to revolve tour (the girls who get it, get it)

the conversation hal and gal have about the differences in sex ed for girls and guys at their school is intended to slightly reference “then why is it not gone from here?” in the show, which is largely how it felt for me to leave evangelicalism before recovering from a lot of the related trauma. i didn’t believe it anymore, so why was it still strangling me all the fucking time?

depression as anger turned inward comes from my therapist, who knows i used it in this fic.

takes 20 attempts for halbrand to get the ring right because 3 rings for the eleven kings + 7 for the dwarf lords + 9 for mortal men = 19 before he forges the one.

hal is an aeronautical engineer working in the defense sector. this is a reference to some legendarium stuff around sauron in numenor.

writing process + personal shit:

in the first draft, hal was morgoth’s son and there was a plot point involving the theft of the silmarils.

the nursing student line in chapter 1 is based on some people i knew at university.

i am too embarrassed to read chapters 2 and 3. like i just want to curl up and hide whenever i think about either of those chapters, i think they’re terrible.

there are many “deleted scenes” from bitym that just didn’t fit into the narrative in the end, so they live in the unused scenes folder in my scrivener project. one of these scenes— a description of hal’s apartment— actually ended up being used for museum, and another scene i deleted was reworked for chapter 7 of shark.

i wrote the infamous chapter 5 car scene in the middle of the night, during what felt like a dissociative state, because i knew if i wasn’t exhausted my inner critic would start shame spiraling due to my own religious upbringing.

every single purity culture experience in the text, with the exception of chastity club and the purity pledge, is something that actually happened in my life. the only reason i didn’t do a purity pledge is because i missed youth group that week.

“they cannot convince her she’s sinned” is 100% from my own experience of being surprised by my complete lack of guilt lol.

i really want to have a longer convo about the consent stuff in it because i’m fascinated by some of the responses i got to the chapter 5 car scene. some people were really angry with me for it, which was interesting bc i really had the archive warning on there because of the birth control tampering.

i fucked up the time skip in chapter 11 and added an extra year. this changed the story dramatically (and is why the ending ultimately changed) but i prefer the way it turned out. i also fucked up the age gap between fin and gal, and don’t ask me what grade celebrian is in bc basically i cannot do math to save my life.

i find it really interesting how many readers seem to think galadriel’s POV chapters are more reliable than hal’s, because i definitely see it the opposite way.

i get super nervous about the references to their jobs because i’m terrified of getting something wrong but definitely don’t know the ins and outs. i do research, but i still feel super inadequate there, which is why you never see her at work and only see him at work twice.

chapter 13 (diner scene) was so difficult to plan, but once i decided to use those two songs, it became fairly straightforward. it’s one of my favorite chapters in the entire story.

you probably know this by now if you’ve read chapter 25, but their first kiss being in a closet was 100% deliberate.

i’m so so proud of the sequence with the pregnancy tests in chapter 15.

i decided celebrian would be in this while writing chapter 6.

the drive home from the bachelorette party was written about five days after i started working on bitym.

i knew as soon as chapter 6 that hal would wait until celebrian was born to tell galadriel that he loved her, but holy shit it was so difficult to wait that long.

the scene I’m most proud of is the opening to chapter 23.

misc. in universe info:

the night out with elrond and miriel in chapter 22 stresses me out so much bc gal doesn’t understand what she’s doing and it’s such a horrible position for hal to be in, seeing how she’s basically asking him to come out to her before he’s ready. this all happens only a few days before galadriel leaves for the first time.

hal doesn’t know that galadriel doesn’t think they’re a couple until B+L’s wedding. his response when she tries to bring it up earlier is because he’s worried officially defining it its going to either set him up for failure, or scare her off completely, but in his mind, they were basically together together as soon as he said “yeah, i think i’ll keep you” in chapter 5.

there are subtextual references to substance use issues in hal’s family. this is why he doesn’t drink much or do drugs— though by his 32nd birthday his attitude is a bit more relaxed, considering that their second child is conceived while both of them are drunk lol

in chapter 12, galadriel left her car in accessory for too long and the battery died. hal is fully aware of this and totally could’ve just jumped her battery but he missed her and wanted an excuse to spend time with her.

galadriel’s apprehension about motherhood doesn’t come from a lack of interest altogether, but because the only model she’s really had is one of 100% loss of identity, which is something she’s not willing to do. initially, i planned on this being her ultimate fate and good lord i’m so happy i didn’t go there.

i’m very careful in hal’s therapy sessions to have him refer to “people” he’s dated/slept with, rather than “women.”

galadriel’s friends 100% thought she was sleeping with hal AND celeborn in high school, hence their confusion at her response to finding out they were sexually active then.

hal’s parents aren’t actually homophobic or biphobic, they just didn’t know how to handle that situation and so they sort of pretended it didn’t happen. and if you want to know what happened, it’s just your usual homophobic bullying— the boy he liked turned on him to avoid being a target himself.

hal has had panic attacks his entire life but wasn’t diagnosed with panic disorder until shortly before galadriel moved out for real. he’s very resistant to using rescue meds and thinks he should just be able to tough it out.

they split bills proportionally based on income, with hal contributing 66% and gal 34% around the time of celebrian’s birth. galadriel doesn’t know much about hal’s finances until they buy the house.

i loved seeing how responses to amarie changed as she challenged expectations in the later timeline. i feel really bad for her— it’s implied in the final chapter that she married fin when she was 20 and he was 24, and she dropped out of college as a result. what they’re struggling with by the end is the fact that she wants to finish her degree and has made peace with the fact that they don’t have kids— more of that will be in peppermint for sure.

another aspect in the background that i knew about but decided against mentioning is that celebrian was born just before covid, which is a huge part of why they fell out with galadriel’s family. hal’s health anxiety meant nobody was getting anywhere near his baby and they were not feeling that at all. this might come up a little in peppermint, we’ll see. i doubt i would directly mention covid, just the fact that both of them were working from home for a large part of celebrian’s first few months.

celebrian’s first word was fuck. hal insists it doesn’t count. gal disagrees.

both hal and gal can be read as neurodivergent. it’s revealed in peppermint that celebrian does have adhd. hal also can be read as meeting the diagnostic criteria for borderline personality disorder— that was unintentional but i think it makes a lot of sense.

significant influences on bitym

films/tv

like crazy

normal people

about time

saved

couples therapy

the worst person in the world

before midnight

lady bird

500 days of summer

non-fiction

leaving the fold: a guide for former fundamentalists and others leaving their religion by marlene winell

complex ptsd: from surviving to thriving by pete walker

hold me tight by sue johnson

adult children of emotionally immature parents by lindsay c. gibson

three women by lisa taddeo

fiction

normal people by sally rooney

beautiful world where are you? by sally rooney

little rabbit by alyssa songsiridej

the unbearable lightness of being by milan kundera

atonement by ian mcewan

musical theater

the last five years

spring awakening

once

my favorite lines

Fighting is foreplay, so they never fight fair. Grievances are grenades, painstakingly primed for maximum impact. If the situation escalates to all-out warfare, consequences take a brutal turn. All hope of a ceasefire hangs on her eventual surrender to submission. — chapter 8

“Stop fucking running from what you want,” he murmurs, slipping his free hand beneath her shoulders, golden hair tangled around his wrist and laced between his fingers as they sink into her skin. “You’re not scared of me, you’re scared of yourself.” The words sear into her with the precision of a cautery pen, burning through any vestiges of self-denial still humming in her mind, loosening each thought at the root. — chapter 10

Galadriel murmured the words over and over again, whispering them against his lips, pressing them into his mouth, until the taste of each syllable was as familiar to him as the salt of her tears. — chapter 11

“Deciding to leave is very different from deciding to not love you anymore.” — chapter 13

If Galadriel is sunlight, Celebrian is made from the stars. — chapter 21

“I’d be first in line at the gates of hell,” Hal says slowly, with all the steadfast solemnity of a vow or a prayer, “if it meant I could keep this beautiful fucking life of ours for just a little longer.” — chapter 25

“You can stop beating yourself up for this shit, honey.” Hal’s thumb brushes her temple. “It’s not on you to fix something you didn’t fucking break.” — chapter 26

Maybe Hal was right. Maybe these moments only matter because of their fleeting, ephemeral nature. Maybe that overwhelming ache she once believed would shatter her served as a method to hollow out space for feeling to inhabit— this precious alloy of quiet contentment and contagious joy, irresistible wonder and the recalcitrance of love, all bound together by a strand of defiant hope. — chapter 26

“I might never be able to heal the parts of you— of us, of our family, our life— that I’ve broken. But you have my word, Galadriel,” his voice drops, each syllable low and firm, carrying the weight of an oath, “I will keep trying— until my last fucking breath, until the end of the goddamn world.” — chapter 26

that was probably a lot more than anyone wanted to know haha, so i’ll stop myself there. this fic means so fucking much to me and i’m so so proud of it. i never thought i’d be capable of writing anything like it and it’s so overwhelming in the best way to know that it means a lot to other people too.

hopefully this answered a lot of questions, but my ask box is open for anything at all— i could talk about concepts in and the process of writing bitym for days (i’m usually holding back bc i don’t want to be annoying) so please feel free to reach out with whatever.

and again, thank you all for everything. you’re amazing.

#answered #my fics: bitym #my fics: but i thought you might #fanfic directors commentary #poeticmemory

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namisweatheria · 4 months

Text

I can't believe someone actually wrote Sakura hate on my Nami defending post. Anyone who knows me would shriek in horror. I'm so enraged I've tried and failed to begin this post about a million times now.

While I find it a massive failure of a person's quality of intelligence and character to hate on misogynistically-written characters using the exact same language as the larger misogynistic fanbase who also hates them, despite thinking of themselves as somehow different, in general... when it comes to Haruno Sakura at this point if you're out here on the internet in 2024 saying negative things about her in random comment sections I genuinely think you're a clueless idiot and I hate your stupid guts. lol

The online mania of Sakura hatred left it's fucking mark on people who grew up as girls watching Naruto. I honestly wasn't a very online kid, so I only know about that from my friends' experiences, but how the show itself treated her left it's mark on me all on it's own. And I can see the legacy of that mania online now! Anything that so much as mentions female characters, or sexism, or annoying characters, in anime, will get mean comments about her. It's still here and it's infuriating!

Everyone should be able to separate the bigoted writing that can make a character unpleasant, and the character itself. Otherwise one just ends up contributing to the wave of hatred from bigoted fans. That always ends up hurting real people!

The widespread out-sized fervent hatred of Sakura is particularly something there is no excuse to continue to add to. At this point she represents so much more than a specific character. She symbolizes the continuation of a fucked up online culture that directs their ire at female shounen characters instead of the men who wrote them into horrible little boxes.

So, I don't even have to defend her actual character. It's not really about that. I'm going to anyways though. Because I love her to pieces and so much said about her is just slander.

Sakura fucking rules and is a compelling sympathetic character with a good arc, she was just written by a man who hates women and takes every single opportunity to put his female characters in their place. (The fucking background, kitchen, or grave.) Sometimes all three in that order!

Sakura's worst crime is being a 12 year old Girl. She's insensitive, as 12 year olds can be. She's hyper-conforming to hetero-feminine roles, as her society expects her to be, and she's over-the-top and embarrassing about it, because she's 12.

In the beginning she's often weak and scared in the background, because that's the box she was put into as The Girl. If she had gotten to have equal capability with her teammates early on then Kishimoto wouldn't have been able to focus totally on the male characters he actually cared about. To blame her for that instead of sympathizing with the angst it caused her is so heartless and backwards.

All the writing involving Sasuke fucking sucked, and Sakura's the biggest victim of that. The whole "charm" of their "romance" is that she'll stand by him and love him no matter how terribly he treats her. Does that not sound fucking familiar. It is some of the most basic misogyny there is. That is an age-old evil expectation put on countless women, not a cute story. Hating their "romance", but expressing it by blaming her for being put into that role by Kishimoto is so fucking stupid.

(Also, it's so, so, easy to interpret her hyper performative heterosexuality as closeted lesbianism. She's so unintentionally gay-coded, especially her relationship with Ino.)

It very much happens silently in the background, because I think Kishimoto will spontaneously start choking on his own blood if he tries to focus on a female character instead of his male faves for more than a single minute, but Sakura does have a good arc! Remember Inner-Sakura? She was treated as just a gag, but if you take her seriously for a second you'll realize it was actually deeply disturbing.

Sakura was repressing her anger and goofiness, because she was trying so hard to be this want-able, feminine girl. It wasn't just her unspoken thoughts, she had a whole alternate personality tucked away because of the trauma of being a girl in a sexist society.

Ino describes it here as "A whole other psyche" and is so disturbed by it she asks her, "What are you?"

The most interesting, satisfying thing about Inner-Sakura is: She goes away. She goes away after Sakura trains under a strong, successful, funny, angry, loud woman. Tsunade helps Sakura express her anger instead of repressing it, just by being near her, she shows her the kind of woman she can be. She encourages her and teaches her to be strong and shows her it's okay to be mad. Now when Sakura is angry she can yell and punch a mountain into dust about it.

It's very much in the background, but it happens. And it's everything. How could you not care about it, once you notice it? How can you not care about her?

One of the most annoying things people say about Sakura is that she became strong out of nowhere. I think those people just weren't paying fucking attention to her lol.

Not to mention, if Naruto and Sasuke can each get super-powered Sannin to train them personally, why can't Sakura? What's wrong with that? She wanted desperately to keep up with them, to be strong enough to protect them, and she knew exactly who to go to. Why wouldn't you root for her?

So what if there's nothing that makes her special, to those who only care about genetic abilities and tailed beasts. She works hard. She fights tooth and nail. There's a reason she gets along so well with Rock Lee. In Kakashi's words, "Like Naruto, Sakura possesses a heart that cannot bear to be beaten." In Sakura's:

God, just. How can you not be obsessed with her? It's not her fault the sexist mangaka couldn't let her keep developing on-screen for more than one chapter per 30 volumes without actually grappling with the fact that there's a third person in his stupid two person narrative. She's so fucking great she's crazy she's rude she's funny she's audacious she has guts!!!!!!!!!!! You absolutely cannot come into my space with a negative word on her name. Love and respect Haruno Sakura or simply die.

#not one piece #naruto #SORRY #I had to say all this though. THIS IS A SAKURA LOVING ZONE ONLY #my posts #if you hate sakura i diagnose you with im going to fucking kill you disease #it's terminal.#YOU HAVE TO LOVE SAKURA IT IS NOT AN OPTION.

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em-prentiss · 18 days

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11? 15? 29? ❤️

Hi <3 I really had to put on my thinking cap for this lol

11. Describe your ideal day

I’m imagining this in the summer, because I love how one day can be so crammed with activity and the next can be completely quiet—and, of course, no academic work of any kind. Stress free bliss. Anyway, waking up around 11 ish when it’s still morning but veering into the afternoon and feeling perfectly rested. Breakfast in my own time and having a bit of time to read/ scroll on social media before hanging out with my cousins, talking endlessly and watching movies and eating little snacks (I love them so so much), spending the day with them until it’s night and I go back to my house, hang out with my family and listen to the talk while I write a little (I’d probably be hidden in a corner somewhere, hoping no one would peek over my shoulder lol), having dinner and then going to bed. In an absolutely perfect day, there would be a cat involved as well, somewhere.

15. Five most influential books over your lifetime

I’d like to preface this by saying my lifetime has not been that long so far, and I’ve not branched out with my reading taste as much as I would like yet, so take this with a grain of salt

-The invisible life of Addie larue by VE Schwab. It’s one I never expected to like, but the story and writing were just so beautiful to me; technically the book had no real plot, it was basically just vibes, but I love it so much and it’s heavily annotated by me, I’ve reread it countless times.

-Book lovers and beach read by Emily Henry which is technically two, but the same points could be used for them, which is that they show the soft, quiet kind of love that I hope to find one day—one that stems from knowing a person so deeply. I wouldn’t say they were influential exactly, but I really loved the both of them so much.

-The tell tale heart is technically not a book but it left me mind boggled for years and I still think about it even though it’s been years since I read it. Edgar Allan Poe is definitely something lol I’ve gotten two of his short story collections.

-The cruel prince by Holly Black single-handedly pulled me out of a years long reading slump that I’d refused to acknowledge as a reading slump because I’ve been reading ever since I was born, hello, how could I be in a reading slump? Proceeded to read 37 books that summer after I discovered it, so it’s really special to me <3

-I’m not really sure what to put last here, but I think the raven boys by Maggie Stiefvater is a reasonable one; while I was reading I suddenly realized how physically different the main character was from all the protagonists I’ve previously read about. It’s like it suddenly clicked that I’d been basically imagining the same person for all the books I read and this one forced me not to, because the character and her personality and physical appearance was so different from the others. So yeah <3

29. Three songs that you connect with right now

Hmm, idk about connect with, but these are the songs I love with my whole heart

-Heavenly by cas

-The Alcott by The National ft Taylor Swift

-Nothing new by Taylor Swift ft Phoebe Bridgers

(And I really love I know the end by Phoebe Bridgers)

Honestly my music taste is one of the most basic things about me. It’s actually kind of embarrassing, but I don’t really like the process of going to search for music. If a song somehow makes its way to me and I get to listen to it, it goes on my list lol.

#identity ask #em yaps

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plantdonutwrites · 1 year

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💙 tmnt vday prompts · week 01 · leomin (leo x min-ji)

hello! it’s me again and i am PARTICIPATING and talking about ocs and ships and things I seldom ever talk about in public. WELL. here goes nothing.

1. in which tmnt universe does your pairing exist?

the 2003 animated series, also known as the series that has my entire heart.

2. introduce us to your otp.

well, you guys already know leo, of course. but this young lady here is min-ji seong! she’s a korean-american high school student who lives in new york city. she’s a pianist, but she also writes songs and plays the acoustic guitar. when she was eleven, she was in the subway when a bombing ‘incident’ happened and lost half of her left arm; she now has a cybernetic prosthetic. she’s a warm and empathetic person with a dash of trauma and skittishness.

3. how did they meet?

it’s a whole... thing, but they meet when leo and his brothers investigate the foot going into a building one night that ended up being min-ji’s aunt’s boutique, and she was working the closing shift when she was attacked and was either going to be abducted or murdered by the foot soldiers. you know the drill, though: our boys show up, take some names and beat up the bad guys, and the day is saved. for the moment, anyway. min-ji ended up being in the foot’s and the purple dragon’s cross hairs by no fault of her own... but that’s a story for another time.

4. how is the relationship now?

after upwards of two years of being friends (and pining), they eventually start dating and for the most part is great and wholesome and cute and very healthy. they’re very insightful and attentive to one another and feel safe in each other’s company. they both have their traumas and shortcomings, but fortunately are pretty good communicators, so any bigger issues between them are often immediately addressed and short lived.

5. what is each other’s love language?

words of affirmation and quality time are very big for the both of them, in both receiving and giving. acts of service is also present in the two of them, but not as prominent.

6. do they get married or have any kids?

no and no. the future is pretty uncertain, especially since min-ji has ambitions of becoming a professional musician of some kind, and who knows where that will take her. but for now they have each other and are fully committed to that, and that’s enough.

7. what is your favorite thing about this pairing? (gush as much as you want!)

oh, THIS is going under a cut.

leo got to be a first person witness in min-ji's growth and healing with her low self esteem, self worth, and also her traumas. and he is so, so proud of her and genuinely feels honored that he's gotten to be a part of her life and see her overcome obstacles of all kinds. he admires her inner strength and how all of her experiences haven't left her cold (like it had once done to him). She is continuously recovering from past experiences, learning how to defend herself and stand up for herself, and shows kindness to people even when they don't deserve it. not to mention she bonds significantly with his family--becoming close friends with raph, being a beam of support for don, and being silly with mikey and occasionally indulging in his mischief and playfulness. he appreciates that she cares deeply for his family and he wishes he could get to know her family in the same way.

on min-ji's part: when they first met and during the period of time where they were still getting to know one another, leo (intentionally or unintentionally) offered min-ji a lot of stability and a sense of safety that she didn't have in her life for a while, and she clutched onto it for dear life. she has always found him to be a calming, but strong presence, who was always gentle and hyper aware of her mood and her verbal and physical expressions of emotions and thoughts, which was like a breath of fresh air for her. min-ji finds leo easy to talk to and express herself with, even with difficult or embarrassing topics. learning more about his and his family’s past (especially with what happened at the end of season 3 and throughout the first half of season 4) made her even more sympathetic to them, and she admires how he was able to heal from those events as well. all in all, they’ve had intense roads to individual recovery and they found one another along the way, which is beautiful.

thanks for reading! 💙

credits!

· tmnt vday prompts

· tmnt otp meme

· art by @redstringraven (used with permission, thankie muchly)

#tmntvday #tmnt 2003 #tmnt 2k3 #tmnt oc #tmnt ocs #tmnt 2003 oc #tmnt 2k3 oc #oc: min~ji seong #ch: leonardo #pairing: leomin #f: tmnt 2k3 #thank you for your help with some of the answers hanners!#pdwrites

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faemoona · 8 months

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i wanna post more on tumblr, its not a super active site anymore but i got friends on here so. I got a new story in mind! Meet the leads of The Dragon Prince's Daughter

" Little Luri lived a modest but happy life with her mom and aunt when one day when she returns home from school, she finds her home ransacked and her mom and aunt are missing. She ends up in an orphanage but a royal knight comes and takes her to a palace? Luri learns that her father is the warlord prince of princes. Luri has to navigate this new and quite odd world of nobles and etiquette while getting to know the father shes never met. Can she learn to get along with her dad and the rest of her new family and find her mother? only time will tell"

ive always wanted to try writing one of those webtoon elevator pitches hehe.

Left to right we have Kiara, Luri and Silas

Kiara is an orphan circus acrobat and singer. she lives with her found family and lives a nomadic lifestyle, traveling from city to city. Shes outgoing, confident, brave and strong. shes also quite impulsive and has a vengeful streak. shes fiercely protective of her people and especially of her beloved baby girl. Kiara and Silas courted in their teens and for a long time Kiara had no idea who Silas was. he was just some bashful but kind kid who she liked teasing and hey if you move all that hair out of his face hes kinda handsome. Kiara serves as a catalyst for Silas, where silas is a calming agent for Kiaras. She showed him how to be more confident in himself and to be proud of who he is and he taught her all sorts of magic and helped her tame her fiery temper. Even after she learned he was a prince, by that point the two were deeply attached to each other and neither could bear to break it off. it wasnt until Luri came around, (very accidentally) that they stopped seeing each other. She mises her partner but is very fulfilled as a mother to Luri and has a support system through her found family that keeps her happy and sane through the whole single parent thing.

Luri is the daughter of silas and Kiara. shes a curious and sweet but very skittish child. to be fair though, shes only five and still figuring things out. She lived nomadically with her mother for the first fopur years of her life. traveling from place to place in a caravan with the rest of the carnies who all treated her as a beloved daughter or niece. She got to see lots of things and she loves seeing her mom and aunties perform. She loved exploring in the woods and collecting her own littler treasures. Luri knows nothing of silas but everything of her mother. She thinks the absolute world of her mother as most children too and struggles a lot without her. Shres a fish out of water in the palace environment and it doesnt help that Shes absolutely terrified of Silas. Silas is the eldest child of the current queen and king and the crowne prince. as he is now, in his mid twenties, Silas is a cunning and wise prince with a tactical mind and a reputation for brutally destroying a group of terrorists who threatened to harm the nation. Hes also got resting bitch face and tends to come off as intimidating due to his large stature but this is all a wall he puts up. Silas is actually a very nervous person whos dying for genuine connection and companionship. Neither of his parent gave him much of their time when he was young, and every time he met somebody they usually just wanted something out of him. In his late teens Silas was a scrawny, almost mousey and skittish person who stayed buried in his books, isolated and was considered an embarrassment. he turned all of this around in terms of his public image but hes still the same person on the inside. He wants nothing more than to be a good father to luri but he doesnt exactly haver the best role model and the little thing is too scared to even speak in front of him. whats a guy to do?

These three are our protagonists, Luri and Silas being the more prominent characters out of the three since kiara is currently missing but theres a whole host of other characters im cooking up too. keep an eye out > : 3

#my art #oc: Kiara #oc: Luri #oc: Silas #the dragon prince's daughter #TDPD

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missingmywing · 1 year

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Haurchefant, Estinien, Joker, Haru, Zack, Tseng, Xaldin, Lexaeus :)

kitty holy shit you created a monster. this was seven pages in my gdocs

RIGHT HERE'S THE ESSAY

Haurchefant, Estinien, Joker, Haru, Zack, Tseng, Xaldin, Lexaeus

First impression

Haurchefant: I did not trust him. The rest of Ishgard was being terrible, they made a terrible first impression, and I was fully convinced that he was also going to be a dick. And then when he wasn’t I was fully expecting him to stab me in the back. He very quickly and thoroughly proved me wrong and I fell for him quickly.

Estinien: Estinien chill. That’s it, that was my whole impression of him for a long while. Getting farther into Heavensward… okay no actually my opinion didn’t really start to change until Stormblood when he did start to chill XD

Joker: I love him. I want to be him. He’s so cool and snazzy and badass I am incredibly jealous of his everything even now, but he was absolutely my high school crush and was the first fictional character that made me actually understand the “I’m literally in love with a fictional character, they are everything” and he’s still incredibly fun and heavy to write. …. hence why I wrote a 200k fic with him at the center of most of the one-shots. He’s still one of my favorite ever fictional characters.

Haru: “Oh god this is awful. This poor girl. I’m dying from the secondhand embarrassment. Mona why would you do this to her. Haru I’m so sorry.” I sympathized with her a because Morgana was being petty, while she was just trying to escape a terrible situation, but I was also very worried about what trouble the two of them would end up getting into because I was scared the Mona situation was setting up for someone to die or something. Which technically it was, just not P3 level bad XD

Zack: I would like to reiterate that my first experience with FFVII was AC followed by Crisis Core, which meant I went into the game with very little idea of who people were or what was going on. Which meant that, aside from Lightning (bc I got into FF through XIII) Zack was my first true Final Fantasy protagonist. I loved him from the first, his excitement and enthusiasm was endearing - even if his naivete made my fifteen year old self roll my eyes. But watching him grow and mature, watching the sheer unfairness of everything, and then the ending - I loved him, I’ve always loved him and he was one of the first characters I actually took the time to learn to write properly, and was the one to actually get me into serious writing. So you could say the puppy made a pretty good first impression on me :)

Tseng: “Oh he’s pretty. And serious and competent, but he does have a really subtle and dry sense of humor. Okay he’s already one of my favorites in this game.” I completely skimmed past him in ACC, but CC is where he caught my attention and made me love him.

Xaldin: Okay I’ll be honest, you’re asking about something that happened almost a decade and a half ago, when I was like. Nine. I’m pretty sure my impression was “Wow he has a lot of lances, that’s cool! I wanna do that- AAAAAAA WHAT’S GOING ON WHY IS THIS FIGHT SO HARD - WHAT DO YOU MEAN I’M MICKEY MOUSE WHAT’S GOING ON?!?!”

Lexaeus: Similar to above, except it was “Whoa, he’s giant and looks strong - DID HE JUST USE RIKU TO BREAK THE ROOF??? AAAAAAAAA-”

Impression now

Haurchefant: He’s the best. I love him. He sweet and supportive and was willing to lay down his reputation to offer us sanctuary and his life to protect us AND HE DESERVES THE UNIVERSE. He may not be as complex or as deeply compelling as Emet, but gods if he doesn’t reach into your soul and grab ahold of your heart. I have so many feelings and thoughts and headcanons and story clips for him I can’t even begin to describe how much I love him.

Estinien: BOY OH BOY TALK ABOUT COMPLICATED. I mean not really at this point, but Heavensward sure was. I love this idiot. He spent the entire first three patches on a one-track mind about how much he hated dragons and wished for nothing more than to wipe them out (making my WoL who was, you know, Tiamat’s daughter disguising herself as an au ra, very uncomfortable) and then from SB on he was their biggest advocate and basically became a wyrm therapist and its. It’s just so funny. This tsundere dumbass who can’t use money. He saves our asses then casually drops us off with Aymeric without a word and brushes off thanks. He cares deeply but hell if you’ll get him to admit it. I have just as many feels and headcanons and story snippets with him as with Haurche - probably more given Etheria’s lore and backstory - and I adore him very much.

Joker: Pretty sure I gushed about him enough above, my feelings have not changed in the slightest. He’s super complex once you start digging into his reactions to things - his phrasing, his sprites, his model motions and quirks - and it’s so much fun to write him and explore his character. I love him so much, he’s still the character I know the most about and relate to the most because there’s so much there once you dig into it.

Haru: I lovvveeee herrrrr. She doesn’t get enough screentime, and her arc was… bland and shallow and, as others have pointed out, probably shoehorned into the story last minute. She and Makoto weren’t actually originally supposed to be part of the PT, they were added later into development, which is probably why they have the weakest arcs of any of the PTs. She has enormous potential, and Strikers did pretty good at helping develop that out… though Atlas continues to actually refuse to address her biggest character point. I don’t know why, but can we please have an honest conversation with her addressing her feelings about Akechi and Shido and what her father was doing and participating in, and how she feels about what he did to her, even if he’s dead now. Atlas are cowards these are important to her character and if they don’t do it then I will.

Zack: Zack is still a beloved character for me, even if he isn’t one of my absolute favorites anymore. There’s a lot to explore with him that canon hinted at, which most of the fandom seems to ignore. He has layers and depth, and he’s just as tragic - if not more - as any of the Soldier Three. Everything he went through, how much he lost even as he tried to cling to it, how he grew up and slowly lost all his naivete… and then his relationship with Kunsel that we never truly get to explore, and how others view him and who he is as a SOLDIER as much as a person and where the dichotomy there lies… I still love him a lot, and really love how subtly complex he is.

Tseng: He’s always been a really fascinating and fun character for me, and I still really like him. His complexity with Rufus, the other Turks, and Zack and Aerith is fascinating as well. I don’t write him as much as others (partially because I still have yet to hunt down an english version of Before Crisis) but he’s a really interesting character that I have fun with when I do have the opportunity to write him.

Xaldin: Well admittedly most of my hcs are adopted from or inspired by other people, but hooo this is a bitter and heartbroken man who is definitely projecting and refusing to admit it with that whole… whatever is going on with Beast’s Castle. I hced that even before seeing other people’s, but it was pretty validating to see that I wasn’t the only one who looked at Beast’s Castle and went “oh yeah, that’s someone who got a very messy divorce.” I love exploring his relationship with the other apprentices, as well as all the Keybladers, now that everyone’s back and the worlds are starting to heal. He accidentally dads the younger kids - as do most of the apprentices tbh - and is constantly exasperated by it. This not what he signed up for. He didn’t even want the damn thing back. Dammit.

Lexaeus: I love him. Textbook definition of a gentle giant. Much more purposeful dad-ing of the kids running around, and very subtle dad-ing of Ienzo bc Ienzo’s huffy and a bit touchy about the other apprentices treating him as a child or trying to care for him - Aeleus has a few theories as to why, but he’ll let the other keep his silence as he always has - and overall just trying to care for everyone and make up for the ten years in the Organization.

Favorite moment

Haurchefant: Much as I love/hate the Vault, and it is definitely up there - the way he and WoL just exchange a look and then go for it without having to say anything will forever be my favorite thing. But my actual favorite moments are in ARR when he both chastises you and praises you post-Shiva, and then after the banquet when he welcomes you and promises you safety, and then after the trial when he gives you the chocobo. It… I know everyone always thinks of the Big Thing, and “a smile better suits a hero” is engraved in everyone’s hearts, but my truly beloved moments are the smaller ones, and his quiet - or not so quiet as it may be - faith in us.

Estinien: Well his entrance into the Dragoon questline is hilarious, and his money trouble in Thavnair is equally so, but in terms of my actual favorite moments with him… honestly just, his conversation with Tiamat was good, but Vrtra. Gods his interactions with Vrtra are top tier. I can’t pick one, because everything from the first meeting with Varshahn where they both recognize each other and Estinien worries after him because of the scales, to the first real meeting where they call each other out and Estinien accepts the favor, to their conversations during the Final Days, and how Estinien goes out of his way to get Vrtra’s people to convince him to go after his sister… Estinien is so good with the dragons, especially Vrtra, and his scene in Ultima Thule in the world of dragons was just the perfect encapsulation of how much he’s grown. I love him so so much.

Joker: Favorite moment… I have to admit, I love the interrogation room, and the fact that Akira shows true vulnerability for the first time while still holding onto his rebellion as much as he can (refusing to sign and literally smacking the clipboard away, his little smirk at the end, etc.). He has other really good moments too - your first impression of him with his rush through the casino is excellent, as is his entire awakening scene and his refusing to let Maruki fall - but I think that one shows the most honest sides of him.

Haru: My favorite Haru moment… I guess it has to be her awakening, because it's lovely and her finally having enough and turning on her father - plus the drama of the awakening itself - was great. Oh, and her moment in Strikers when she says "We kind of hate the cops :)" is excellent. I liked her moments with Mariko in Strikers as well, but… they weren't as powerful as her awakening.

Zack: Just one? Ohhhh there's several that I love, but I think my top two are the end of CC when he gives Cloud the sword with his little spiel "You'll be my living legacy." Tied with that is his cameo in ACC, his encouragement of Cloud was wonderful "You've beat him before, haven't you?" Smaller moments - his interactions with Yuffie, his shenanigans with Aerith, his hurt at Angeal, and if course when he first meets Cloud - are wonderful and really flesh him out as a character, but those two are my uncontested top.

Tseng: Again I haven't gone through BC yet which apparently has some of his best moments, but of the stuff I have seen his scene with Cissnei is my favorite - his "we're going directly against orders here because Zack's our friend and Aerith misses him. Go get him back before the infantry." It's such a humanizing moment, and shows who he is beneath the Turk. But all his moments teasing Zack with the most dry humor are fun too.

Xaldin: Hmm it's hard to choose a canon one because he doesn't have many. The intro to his fight is awesome and I've always loved that. His moment in the added Org scene in the KH2.5 remix do an excellent job at setting the tone of the Organization, just casually throwing lances at coworkers it's fine. His minor scenes in BBS were fantastic because because they showed who he was before the Organization and the much more human sides of him (worried about Ven running off on his own, throwing Lea and Isa out of the castle with the most done look, etc) so those might be my favorite.

Lexaeus: I can't say the 358 scene introducing limit breaks because that's mean and not actually my favorite moment with him, but it is hilarious. Lexaeus no. Don't punch children even to trigger an LB. My actual favorite is probably either the same as Dilan - those BBS scenes are great - or in COM when he apologizes to Zexion for failing to stop Riku and then dying. Like. Ouch. There are layers to that, and really shows how much Lexaeus cares about the others even after years in the Organization without a heart.

Idea for a story

Haurchefant: I have many. So so many. I have lists. Tbh though I kind of want to see him interacting with G'raha, just the two of them talking about WoL's adventures and G'raha barely restraining his excitement about getting to talk to The Haurchefant. It'd be funny. Likewise I think it'd be fascinating for him into interact with Hythlodaeus, I think they'd get along. In terms of a canonical scene, I'm eventually going to write the scene where he finds out that Etheria is an au ra (she spends all of ARR with a cloak and mask to hide it), and then another with his reaction to the whole "dragon in disguise" thing because it'll be fun.

Estinien: Please give me stories about what he and Aymeric got up to as kids going through training. Give me their shenanigans and careful troublemaking. Give me Aymeric dragging him out of his shell, and Estinien picking fights with people who try to talk down and spread rumors about Aymeric. Give me them sneaking out of the barracks at night to go buy decent food from a vendor, or just hang out on a roof somewhere. Give me the snowball fight that ensues after Aymeric shoves snow down Estinien's shirt, or their squad mates getting annoyed at their unsubtle flirting. Give me the scene after we rescue Aymeric from the Vault and Estinien is helping tend his wounds, or after we rescue Estinien from Nidhogg where Aymeric is watching over him. Give me SB snapshots of Estinien coming to terms with exactly what he is now, and how he feels about it, or after we get back from Ultima Thule when he has to come to terms with what happened to the rest of the dragons and tell the ones here on our star. It's… there's so much potential with him, and I'm glad we're starting to explore it with Vrtra.

Joker: *Gestures to my 200k one-shot collection* I think I have a few. Tbh though I really want a snapshot fic of Akira working at Crossroads, getting comfortable with both the environment and getting into the crossdressing scene, having fun with it. It would be a lot of fun, and really sweet. Plus pretty dresses, and he canonically likes crossdressing anyway so like. Gimme more. Let him have fun.

Haru: I want a fic of her going after Sugimura. I'm still so mad we didn't go after him in Mementos for her confidant, and it definitely contributed to her confidant feeling weaker than the others’. I also want her to have a proper confrontation/conversation with Akechi about… everything. I know there are plenty of fics for it already, but I wanna do my own take eventually.

Zack: So I have a few I started and never finished… but for a new one, ghost au could be fun. Everyone always does "Zack lives", but it could be fun if Zack still died and just followed Cloud around as a ghost, and Cloud and Aerith are the only ones who can see him. Cloud would remember everything in this au, but that would not make he or Zack any less confused.

Tseng: A fic exploring what the Wutai war was like for him, and what his ties to Wutai even are. Does he care, or is he completely disconnected? For a less heavy idea, I want a fic with he and the other Turks trying increasingly desperate and convoluted methods to recruit Kunsel to the Turks, and failing every time.

Xaldin: I want to see him interacting with the keybladers post-3, just reluctantly being a parental/authority figure and cursing the fact that he cares and is going out of his way to help them with things. This is why he didn't want his heart back, dammit, now he cares about people.

Lexaeus: There's a couple I've thought of, but I want to see his thoughts during the Organization. His actions in CoM make it clear that he's still keeping an eye on Zexion - whether Zexion wants it or not - and he was as caring as he could be towards Vexen. I want to see what he thinks and what he's trying to do about his fracturing family during the days of the Organization.

Unpopular opinion

Haurchefant: Probably a bold opinion, but I'm glad that they haven't retconned his death even though people are calling for it. Fics are one thing - I an au where my WoL panic-soulbinds with him to keep him alive after all - but canon is its own thing and his sacrifice had far too heavy an impact and important to the story to be able to bring him back without ruining that whole scene and arc.

Estinien: He's not stupid. I know we all like to make the jokes about his money sense, the fact that he couldn't tell Alphinaud and Alisae apart, and the endless floor tank jokes, but Estinien isn't stupid. He was bad with money because he'd likely never had to spend it before - he was Ishgard's star soldier, after all, so they'd have supplied him with weapons and armor, plus rations, and the rest of the time he probably hunted for himself. He'd probably never had a lot of money to spend, going from farmboy to obsessive military weapon. The fact that he'd learned and overcome it by 6.1 makes that clear. And he's far from he first one to mistake Alphinaud and Alisae for the other - especially since he might not have even known that Alphinaud had an identical twin.

Joker: I don't like the "uwu gay softboi" fandom likes to foist on him. I like shuake, I ship it, but Joker is definitely not the type to pine helplessly to the exclusion of everything else going on. Like he has his soft moments, but - I don't know, I just hate when fandoms turn complex characters into one-dimensional ship fodder, or turn them into characters without the ability to stand up for themselves.

Haru: Haru wasn't a bad character, she wasn't pointless, and while her arc was the weakest I don't think removing it and her would have made the game better. She could have been handled much better, but she wasn't handled that badly.

Zack: Same as Estinien: Zack is not stupid. He's actually pretty smart! We see this several times throughout the game! Everyone looks at his personality at the beginning of the game, takes it at face value and then uses it as his whole personality and that's… not at all accurate. He's naive and reckless at the beginning of the game, but he grows out of it very quickly once Angeal leaves - and by the end of the game I'd say he's surpassed both Angeal and Genesis in both skill and general competence. One does not evade ShinRa for a year with a helpless, unconscious friend dragging him down, even with the occasional help of a single Turk - with significant intelligence and competence. Zack is smart, he's just a fourteen/fifteen year old at the very beginning of the game.

Tseng: Not sure this is unpopular by this point, but Tseng is definitely not heartless, and the only reason he's a "stalker" is because he's a government mandated one. He might be concerned about Aerith in general, but he (and the other Turks) wouldn't be following her around without orders. And there's at least one scene I know about in BC where he's chastised for being too caring and worried about others.

Xaldin: I don't… actually know of any fandom opinions about him? Fandom generally ignores him.

Lexaeus: Same with this one, unless we're talking about the "attempting to murder a child in the name of training" jokes about Roxas, but I don't think I've actually seen anyone taking that seriously.

Favorite relationship

Haurchefant: Honestly his relationship with the WoL is just wonderful, no matter how you hc your WoL (and mine is particularly wonderful to me because of the layers involving them both). If we're talking about outside of WoL, his relationship with Aymeric is fascinating. We don't get to see much of it, and we never find out exactly how they view each other - be it actual friends or simply positive coworkers with the same views - but the scenes they are in together just have such interesting vibes that make me want to explore it.

Estinien: If you'd asked me before 6.1 I'd have said Aymeric without hesitation, but now I have to say that it's Aymeric tied with Vrtra. His big-little brother relationship with Alphinaud is cute, and his terror of Tataru and Krile is hilarious, but Aymeric and Vrtra are still my two favorite to see by far. WAIT NO I FORGOT. ALSO GAIUS. He and Gaius are fascinating, I want to see a whole fic/side story of what they were up to during SHB and how they got along, how they worked together. What little we saw was both badass and fun, and I want to see more.

Joker: Hmmm canonically I have to say that Akechi and Futaba are tied, though he has really interesting relationships with most of his confidants and if we're talking outside the Thieves then Sojiro, Iwai, and Ohya/Lala are my favorites. For slightly less canonically (sort of), his relationships with the other wildcards are FANTASTIC. Q2 was so much fun. In general, he and Yu are my favorite relationship to write just in general because there's so much to explore. So many layers for both of them.

Haru: Hmm probably either Morgana or Akechi. Granted we never get to see much of either in canon (#giveharuscreentime) but in terms of potential she and Akechi are the most interesting to me. Her friendship with Mona is adorable, and I love how supportive they are of each other. In that respect, she and Ryuji are a close second.

Zack: Oh man, this one's a close tie between Cloud and Aerith. They're both so great, layered and emotional and angsty. My favorite underrated relationship though is Zack and Kunsel, hands down.

Tseng: I'd have to say Rufus, because there's so much going on behind the scenes there that we never see, but that is absolutely there and is probably really cool and involves a lot of underhandedness and political maneuvering that would be so much fun to see. Rufus' relationship to all the Turks is really interesting, but especially Tseng since Tseng would have been the most involved.

Xaldin: Hmmm most of the relationships are… not actually ever shown in canon. We get glimpses and implications, but we don’t actually get to see them. Generally I love seeing the apprentices being family in fic, and the idea of Dilan reluctantly being a parental figure to the younger keybladers post-3 is fun.

Lexaeus: Same problem as above, but from both fics and my own hcs I really like the potential of his relationship with Ienzo - from the time he was a small child, through the Organization, and post 3. He definitely seems like the one Zexion trusted the most - probably because he let Zexion do what he wanted, whereas Vexen was a meddler who stuck his nose into things - so it’s fun to consider how he watched out for him through the years even when everything else had fallen apart.

Favorite headcanon

Haurchefant: Ohhh this one I’m torn, I have two. The first is semi-canonical, and that he’s a chocobo breeder - he loves his birds and found a lot of solace in their company when the pressure and judgement of being a claimed bastard became too much for him to handle, and he’d retreat to the stables to calm down and recuperate. The second one is that he and Aymeric are actually closer than we see in canon - they’re just really subtle about it because the rumors about Aymeric are unconfirmed and Haurchefant won’t be the one to shine a spotlight on his friend. But there’s shared understanding there, and they’re fairly close friends because of it.

Estinien: This is honestly only headcanon by the thinnest of veils, it’s basically canon, we just don’t get the details. But I like the idea that Estinien’s merge was more than just that he saw Nidhogg’s mind, but that their very souls merged. Maybe not as completely as Shiva and Hraesvelgr, but Estinien is as much or more dragon than he is elezen by this point, his very soul is part Nidhogg’s. He’s… kind of a combination of Estinien and who Nidhogg used to be, the noble soul who protected the star that he was before rage consumed him. So Estinien now is the combination of who the two of them were before they lost themselves to revenge, and he acknowledges that even if he won’t… quite openly admit it. (“Then you and Alphinaud threw my eyes off the bridge, and I’ve never known peace since.” NOT VERY SUBTLE THERE ESTINIEN.)

Joker: While this shouldn’t be hc, it apparently is because Atlas is cowards. Akira has severe trauma from the interrogation room. Don’t touch his wrists, don’t hold him down, not to mention the nightmares, needles, certain phrases (tell him to take responsibility for his reactions and you’re at risk of triggering a panic attack)… and he does not like or trust the police. Period. If you’re in uniform you’re an enemy, and if you want him to trust you you’re going to have to work damn hard for it.

Haru: She’s resentful towards Akechi for taking her opportunity with her father, she’s angry at him… but she doesn’t actually hate him. She wants to, she really does, but he’s… he’s too similar to her, both his situation and his feelings, and she can understand why he did what he did. She hates that she does, that she can’t hate him, and that she really does want to forgive him, but… she really can’t bring herself to hate him. She doesn’t forgive him, even if part of her wants to, because it wasn’t fair and she can at least hold onto that. (In aus where he lives, she decides that the best revenge is to be genuinely kind and caring and unconditionally warm to him, because it makes him intensely uncomfortable and alarmed. Being bitter and spiteful and angry would be letting him win, giving him what he wanted. This was more rewarding, and kind of funny. Not many people looked like they wanted to run out of the building when confronted with a genuine smile.)

Zack: He’s smart, and is perfectly capable of being a manipulative little shit when he needs to be. He can also tell pretty easily when someone is lying to him - once Angeal and Genesis smack the rose-tinted glasses off of him in Banora, he becomes intensely and uncomfortably aware of every little lie and omission and corruption within ShinRa told to him. He tries his best to ignore it, but… well, by the time Nibelheim happens ShinRa’s reaction isn’t even a surprise. He wouldn’t have expected anything less, really.

Tseng: I don’t… really have many? He’s incredibly loyal to Rufus, and despises Hojo and the President, but those are basically canon anyway.

Xaldin: He won’t admit it, but he’s weak for kids. Lea and Isa were annoying as hell, but he was grudgingly fond of both of them (right up until they got themselves killed, sticking their nose into danger that never should have been theirs to contend with - it should have been his. His and Aeleus and Braig and Even, those two and Ienzo never should have gotten involved.) After 3, Xion, Roxas, Namine, Ven, and Kairi make him cave to things far too easily for his comfort. Kairi especially, hanging around Radiant Gardens again as she is, brings up far to many memories of lost days for him.

Lexaeus: I don’t… really have many for him? He also really likes kids, though he isn’t a tsundere about it, and even through the Organization was worried and caring about his family. Broken apart and jagged though they were, at least they were still here for him to keep an eye on. It was good that he died before Zexion though - if he hadn’t he would have reacted very badly, and would have been even more incredibly guilty when he woke back up after DDD.

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hazelcephalopod · 1 year

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So, because I can’t get this show out of my head here are my final -at the moment- thoughts on Wednesday 2022.

Now, I did like parts of the show. Or at least appreciate it for what it ultimately is. Jenna Ortega was a fantastic Wednesday Addams, and I actually found most of the cast good to fine. CZJ was another stand out as was GC. However I had many of the same issues many have, and want to dig into not what was wrong but what I think could have been done better. Mainly that portion will be aimed at the writing.

Tldr;

“…I’m not here for realism. I’m here for the over the top drama, and liberty to be strange.”

Firstly, I did enjoy it. It was good campy fun. It executed its murder mystery supernatural detective au about Wednesday adequately enough to keep me around to finish the show. Which was enough. I actually enjoyed the boarding school and supernatural sink aspect a lot. I thought the inclusion of Gorgons, though sadly underused, was unique. Don’t see a lot of Gorgons in many things so that was neat. Sirens, mermaids, werewolves, vampires, strange faceless children, you name it I’m here for it no notes there. The plot was not exactly deeply mysterious, but it served its function and wasn’t awful -which is something. The body count was surprisingly high which I welcomed, it added that macabre-ness that is very Addams. Even the Hyde I found endearingly retro in its goofy design. Which I think brings us to the end of my likes. The rest will be the “what if this instead” section.

Now, I came to this show because of the 90’s movie, and a smattering of other things but that admittedly was the my main experiance. So I expected the Addams and their bizarrely cheerful -except for perhaps Wednesday- macbre lives and attitudes. Along with their delight in terror and horror which serves as a sort of satirical dialogue about what is “normal vs abnormal” and the important-ness of challenging the status quo. Also, for Morticia and Gomez to be terrifyingly and suggestively competent, and over the top romantic and dramatic. And deeply supportive of their children, even 99% of their wrongs, would have been welcome -but it wasn’t entirely absent so, there’s that. The romance was, nearly sufficient I felt it leaned a bit to heavily into just lust. Again, the romance served, the dramatic was a tad wanting if I’m generous, the the competence was… missed. My main issues surrounded the death of the Gates boy. So, how would I have fixed it?

Firstly, let Gomez be competent dammit! Morticia too, but whoever decided to take their competency seemed less after her -which good, I don’t want her any less competent! And let them delight in being perceived as a murderer/s. Now, I am going to try and change as little as possible from what the show did. Firstly, let them be loving and supportive but Wednesday finds it less manipulative, and more smothering. She’s not as emotional as them, that works fine. But they are generally open and truthful with her. She learns her father may have murdered the Gates be and wonders why her parents never mentioned anything about it, it’s so unlike them. So, Morticia and Gomez still keep their involvement in the death of the Gates boy secret. They refuse to speak of it, their embarrassed by it in fact. They beg Wednesday not to bring up the embarrassment.

Eventually we learn this is for two reasons.

1) that the murder was so amateurish (to them).

2) the bare minimum of a coverup that was only not uncovered due to the ineptitude of the investigation which felt like an insult at the time -they were young.

Eventually we get two versions of events. After Gomez is arrested and goes in willingly, even delighting in the whole thing. Dramatically declaring his love and whatever else in the process like the wonderfully bizarre man he is. Morticia being equally dramatic in response. Etc.

Gomez says he fought the Gates boy valiantly for Morticias heart and their honor. His story is a lot more flattering, we get a flashback of the boys sword fighting on the balcony. Gomez says he was nearly slain but managed to strike a killing blow and then the Gates boy staggered back and dramatically fell to his death.

Later Morticia tells a different -and more truthful- recount. Gomez and the Gates boy did fight, there was a sword. Even some nice flourishes, arefusble if it was truly a sword fight though based on the flashback we now see. Gomez is very confident to begin until the Gates boy seemed to draw on some rage induced strength and overpowered him. And Gomez does become afraid, he is young. But perhaps still a bit dramatic and romanticizing dying for Morticia (because I get it their teens, but like, it’s them). At which point Morticia stepped in and stabbed the Gate’s boy who stumbled around and fell off the balcony. She tells Gomez she’s not done with him yet, they’ve barely begun, and they embrace. She tells Wednesday they were sloppy, careless, and young. A total embarrassment for them, in plain view of the body, witnesses everywhere. But also they wanted to keep it, as their moment (maybe?). Mainly just inject more charisma and dramatic romance to their scenes as a whole, and their disturbingly morbid delight in the macabre and tormenting of others.

Just in general let the Addams family be weird to the point of disturbing -but funny. Let their attitudes not match the world. Let them be perplexed why others don’t understand. Let them delight in all their strangeness and torments they face and inflict. Sure I get toning it down a bit, but I’m not here for realism! I’m here for the over the top drama, and liberty to be strange! That’s the point! No shame, all confidence, embrace yourself and others as they are. Wednesday doesn’t have to be there but her parents should be at least 90% of the time.

#Wednesday

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sublime-beyond-loss · 2 years

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Not to be Insecure On Main, but that thing that I posted earlier in the day got me thinking about my own writing again. How I should really write those stories that I want but can’t seem to find within the world, but boy am I one big ball of insecurities when it comes to my own writing.

At the end of the day, I feel like I cannot write anything that there isn’t at least a few hundred other people out there who are infinitely more intelligent and clever than me that could write the same concept I have ten times better than me. I feel like I have nothing of value to contribute that can’t be done infinitely better by someone way more competent than me.

I’m stuck with the wombo combo of disability, trauma, and just general personal failings that make me a thoroughly mediocre and incompetent human being, and I’m still working on trying to overcome the toxic shame that comes with that. There’s nothing wrong with being disabled and struggling deeply with things most people can knock out of the park with ease. My family was very much the type where if you wanted to try something new you needed to get it right perfectly the first time around or else it was just more proof of what an embarrassing failure you are. Combo that up with how my learning disability has only worsened tenfold as I age and I can’t even get into new video games with mechanics I’m not used to as a hobby anymore because it’s become so difficult for me to pick up, wrap my mind around, and learn new mechanics well enough to get good at them. It sucks. I feel like I inevitably flounder at any new task I set out to do. As an example, I’ve always wanted to produce my own music, but the second I try to wrap my head around the whole process, my brain immediately gets overwhelmed and nopes out.

I feel like my only purpose in this life will end up being nothing more than a ghostly observer who exists to appreciate the works of others while never being able to add anything of value to the creativity of the world. That’s not a bad thing. Not everyone is meant to leave a lasting mark on the world and I get to enjoy the works of others in a way the creators themselves do not because they inevitably have to deal with the ‘man behind the curtain’ phenomenon where having been apart of the making of their creation means that they can never appreciate it from the perspective of a pair of fresh eyes looking upon it from the outside for the first time can.

My intense tunnel vision when it comes to special interests is a blessing and a curse. I can love the art of others to such a passionate degree, but at the cost of me not seemingly being able to get invested in my own ideas as passionately. If I were capable of becoming as obsessed with my own characters and story ideas, it would not fix my insecurities, but the hyperfocus involved on putting those things out into the world would overcome it. If I had the same intensity for original ideas that I get when I’m really invested in a fan project I’m working on, I’d be set for life. But alas, my brain just does not seem to be wired the right way where I can turn that tunnel vision hyperfocus inward.

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from-the-clouds · 2 years

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Thinking of a Place - Kendall Roy x Reader

gif by @fleursial

Masterlist

Summary: Of course, your relationship had definitely crossed the boundaries of professionalism on more than one occasion. Part of it was the nature of the job, following him to parties and events, and the amount of time you were forced to spend together in general. Lines got blurred, you both knew too much about each other, and you were more sweet on him than maybe you should be, even though you knew it was wrong, even though you knew he was wrong.

You would follow him anywhere, even if it was only to stop him from crashing and burning.

In other words, reader is an advisor to Kendall. Inspired by this song by The War On Drugs

Words: 7.8k

Warnings: Contains spoilers for seasons 1-3 of Succession. Alcohol/drug use and abuse. Depression. Mentions of death/drowning. Kendall Roy existing and being a deeply sad man.

A/N: I've been working on this for quite some time because there's next to no fics about Kendall, and honestly, his whole story breaks my heart and I feel like he needs some love.

I think I might post a part 2, if you'd like. I wanted this to end with them getting together in some way, but as I was writing it, it just didn't seem right in the moment, and was getting too long to keep going. So let me know what you think!

The dim light in the kitchen was a beacon guiding you towards the end of the long, dark, and unfamiliar hallway you crept down. Everyone was asleep, you figured, but you'd been tossing and turning for the past two hours, and finally gave up to make some tea and maybe find a book to read in the hopes one of the two might trick your body into finally going to sleep.

But when you turned the corner into the low lit room, a dark figure slumped over the kitchen table knocked the breath from your lungs and startled you.

"Shit, sorry, you scared me," lifting a shaky hand to your forehead, blush creeping onto your cheeks from adrenaline, embarrassment, or maybe some combination of the two.

Kendall's eyes met yours briefly before returning to stare at some fixed point on the table in front of him. "It's okay," he answered.

Giving him a curt nod, you turned to the cupboards to search for peppermint tea or chamomile or something that might help soothe you. For the past few months, your relationship with your boss – if that was even the right title to call him him, you weren't so sure what he was to you anymore – was on the rocks. Kendall was usually cool and distant, which was normal, depending on how much he was trying to emulate Logan, but the past few days his attitude had even rivaled that of his infamous father, the owner of the company that had employed you for the past few years.

Unfortunately, the veil didn't work quite as well on you as it did on everyone else. Behind the harsh exterior something was rotting, some unhealed sore that would likely be swept under the rug during his next power trip.

"Can't sleep?" Kendall's voice cut through the silence and started you again. It was unclear what was making you so jumpy; perhaps the tension in the room, the source of which seemed to be him. On the other hand, you'd never been to his mother's house before, and you hoped you'd never have to again. There was something eerie about it, filled with expensive furniture but still cold and empty, much like the woman who inhabited it.

Grabbing a container of tea you found, you turned around and shrugged sheepishly. "Yeah, I'm exhausted but…not really having much luck. Jetlag, I guess." Unlike his family, you weren't accustomed to jetsetting around the world and running on little-to-no energy or food like they were.

Turning on the stovetop, you filled a teapot with water and placed it on the burner.

"How was the thing…with your dad?" you asked, turning around and leaning back against the countertop. Kendalls eyes were on you now, flickering up and down your form inconspicuously, but you didn't miss it. It dawned on you then that you were in your pajamas, a loose pair of shorts and a ratty old t-shirt. Realizing how exposed you were and feeling suddenly vulnerable, you crossed your arms over your chest.

"It was fine," he said quickly, and you hummed in response. "Pretty fucking depressing actually," he finished.

"Yeah, well, I can't imagine what that family is going through, losing a son…" you shook your head. Your own family had plenty of tragedies, you knew exactly what it felt like.

Kendall's face twisted, one of his hands closing into a fist. He was clearly upset.

"Is that why you're up?" you asked gently, softening your tone.

He cleared his throat, shrugged. "Sure, I'm a little jetlagged too, I guess."

You nodded. "Makes sense."

"You can sit, if you want," he offered, gesturing to the chair in front of him.

You did.

When you'd first been hired at Waystar, your job had been 'PR Associate', which you soon realized was a more decorative title for what the job really was, a glorified babysitter for the man in front of you. So, after many years of practice, you knew Kendall well enough to tell when he was sober, drunk, high, along with pretty much every emotion he was capable of. It had been your job to recognize those things and act accordingly, and you could still see through them, even now.

"I'm sorry. That must have been hard today."

He had an empty beer bottle in front of him, but he didn't seem drunk. He didn't seem high either, but you almost would've preferred the latter, as the despair pooling in his eyes and practically seeping out of his pores was starting to bleed into your own mood.

"You have no idea."

It became clear that this wasn't just an attitude, or another bender. Something was going on, and it seemed like he was trying to connect, in his own way. "Hey," Reaching out, you let your thumb graze across the back of his hand. "Are you okay, Kendall?"

His eyes met with yours, you could feel them searching, yearning, deciding whether or not to answer honestly. But he seemed to reach an agreement with himself. "I'm fine, thanks. Just same old…bullshit, you know?"

"I know, I'm just…I'm worried about you. Did something happen today?" you pressed, one more time, just to see if he would bite. Even if he wanted to, his pride wouldn't always allow him to be vulnerable. Sometimes, you had to give him more than one chance.

"I, uh-"

The wail of the teakettle cut him off, and seemed to snap him out of it, too. As you darted to turn it off, you offered to make him a cup, which he accepted.

Pouring two mugs of peppermint tea, you set one of them in front of him, clearing the beer bottle away and discarding it in the trash. Returning to your seat at the table, you sipped your tea, letting the mug radiate warmth through your hands.

A comfortable silence settled between the two of you. The truth was, you had a sweet spot for Kendall. Of course, his father, his family, the tabloids had quite a bit of shit to spew about him, and he'd been called every derogatory name in the book. It wasn't all lies, sometimes he was a douchebag and an asshole – two of the media's favorite slights – but you'd seen enough of who he really was to reach your own conclusion.

"Do you think- uh, do you think we could talk, actually?" he asked suddenly.

"Oh, yeah, sure," you answered. "But I need to get my phone or laptop-"

"This isn't about work," he cut you off. "Is that okay?"

"Yeah, of course."

Kendall stood suddenly, chair screeching across the floor. "And we shouldn't be in here, either."

The door clicked shut as Kendall followed you into his bedroom, gesturing towards a seating area in front of one of the windows. You had to admit you were kind of nervous. Kendall wasn't exactly the most stable person you know. For all you knew, you were about to lose your job.

Sitting side by side on an antique couch, you waited for him to speak first, until he didn't.

"So what's going on?"

He shook his head. "Just give me a second, okay? I'm trying to figure out how I want to tell you this."

Your stomach flipped. None of this bode well, and your heart began to beat faster, your chest feeling tight.

Kendall must have picked up on your apprehension, because he seemed to answer the millions of questions spinning through your mind. "It's not, you're not in trouble or anything just….it's about me, something I've done, that I don't feel great about, and it's…it's fucking horrible, okay?"

"But I can't keep-" He choked on his words, gasping for air and then putting his head in his hands. It didn't take him long to regain his composure, clearing his throat. "I just feel like…if you're gonna keep working for me…you need to know."

And so he told you everything about the night of Shiv's wedding. About the boy. About the accident. About his agreement with Logan.

"Holy shit, Kendall."

It wasn't the best response, if you were trying to make him feel better. Which you weren't, not necessarily. But you were pretty sure he wasn't just telling you so you could turn around and make him feel even worse. He looked ill. Pale, exhausted, aching, hurting. Like a wounded animal, eyes red-rimmed.

Of course, you knew of worse things that had happened in the company, but this wasn't nothing. It was pretty fucking terrible, actually.

"I'm a piece of shit, I know."

"Hold on, it's just a lot to process,"

"I know, I don't deserve to-"

"Shhh," you cut him off, shaking your head. "Enough of that." You studied the wood grain of the table in front of you as your brain began to put the puzzle pieces together. "I…so wow, I guess everything makes a lot more sense now. Fuck."

You weren't sure how long you both sat there in silence, you avoiding his eyes and staring into space while everything that had happened over the past year suddenly became clearer, burying your face in your hands. But after a while you turned to face Kendall, who was gazing at you expectantly, eyes dark and full of misery, as if your response could somehow make or break him.

"But Kendall," you began. "You didn't kill him. It wasn't your fault. The circumstances are damning but…you're not a murderer."

You had a lot of questions. A lot. It was clear, though, that Kendall was too distressed to answer any of them, and you didn't want him to have to relive the evening that he was clearly still traumatized by.

"Uh-huh," he answered. "Tell that to my dad."

"I'm not going to tell anyone anything," you assured him.

Or maybe you should. But despite all the damning information you knew about the family, it had become clear that anyone who turned against them never fared well. You knew that well enough after working for Kendall. And you weren't in a position to be out of a job, or worse, sued for more money than you even knew could exist because of a breach of a non-disclosure agreement.

Kendall was relieved, though he knew it didn't solve the problem. Nothing ever would. But keeping it to himself…forever…would be slow torture. He wasn't built for that. "Sometimes I feel like…You're the only person who I can trust."

Hesitantly, you reached out, placing your hand on his shoulder and squeezing it gently, then rubbing soft circles between his shoulder blades. You hated to see him like this. He continued.

"I don't know about the only person," you answered.

"My dad would hate it. He's the one who hired you."

"I think he'll be fine."

"Thank you," his hand rose to his shoulder to clasp over your own, your eyes locked, and for a moment you saw a flash of something unfamiliar cross his face, a magnetic force that was drawing you closer to him, and you broke eye contact to clear your throat and take a sip of your tea, removing your hand from under his own.

"Maybe you should rest," you suggested. "Trying to sleep might be better than not trying at all."

He nodded. "Why don't you finish your tea first?"

The suggestion was purposeful, you knew. Just another way to try to keep your company without him having to ask directly if you'd stick around. And he didn't have to ask, because you did stick around.

When you woke a few hours later, it took a moment for you to remember where you were. It wasn't the room you'd been staying in, but Kendall's. Still lying on top of the duvet, your head was resting in the crook of his arm, your body near his but not touching. He was sprawled on his back. You hadn't fallen asleep that way, but somehow, you must have moved closer to him as you slept, seeking the warmth, the comfort of someone familiar. And clearly, he had done the same.

How you ended up in bed with him in the first place, even though it was on top of the covers, and clear that nothing inappropriate had happened, was still foggy in your memory. And you realized you were even wrapped up in one of his old Harvard sweatshirts.

Through bleary eyes, you looked at the alarm clock. It was still dark out, the early hours of the morning, and you gingerly got out of bed, careful not to wake Kendall, who looked the most peaceful you'd seen him in ages. Before you left, you grabbed a blanket from the ottoman at the foot of the bed, pulled it over his sleeping form, gingerly tucked it in around him and turned off the lamp by his bedside table.

Then you crept away, the only evidence of your stay the empty teacup on your side of the bed. Neither of you would act like any of it had happened.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The elevator doors opened with a ding, and you stepped out into the entryway of Rava's apartment. You still weren't sure why this was the place Jess had told you to come, but she was always informed, so you didn't question her direction.

Surprisingly, Kendall's ex-wife Rava was the first to greet you, rounding the corner, her heels clicking against the marble floors. Whatever was going on here, frustration was clearly written on her face.

"Here to see Kendall?" she asked after you both exchanged pleasantries.

"Yeah, what is he doing working out of here?" you asked.

She bared her teeth in a combination of a grimace and a smile. "That's a great question, isn't it?"

It was clear she was unhappy with the current state of her home, where about a dozen suits were walking in and out of various rooms of the elegant penthouse. Rava dropped the facade just for a moment, stepping closer and leaning in, voice lowering to a whisper. "Sorry, I didn't know you were back working with him again, is everything okay?"

"Uhm, yeah, actually, everything's fine," you chirped, and it was almost a little too obvious you were lying. "I'm an advisor now, believe it or not."

"And you saw what he did?"

"Oh yeah." Truth be told you'd been applying to a job at another company when the press conference popped up on the news. The constant turmoil at Waystar had been starting to wear you down, and despite the fat checks they'd been cutting you, you were wondering if it was worth all the trouble year after year.

"Did you have any idea that he…"

"No. Not at all."

"Right. And you're an advisor?" she questioned. "Sounds about right."

"I can't predict his every move," you shrugged. " I mean, you know Kendall better than I do."

Rava scoffed. "I don't know if that's true anymore."

You'd always liked Rava. Especially at first, she and Kendall were still married when you'd started working for him, even though they were estranged. You spent some time with her, with his kids, and always found her to be the most normal person in Kendall's family. Besides Greg and even Willa maybe – mostly just anyone else who was on the outskirts of the family like you. But as things turned more sour between Rava and Kendall, and you fell out of touch. Obviously, your obligation was to her ex-husband.

"Hey!" You turned to find Kendall standing in the entryway of the apartment.

Rava said goodbye before brushing past him and disappearing down a hallway.

"Sorry about her," Kendall smirked. He may have been coked out, you couldn't tell, because sometimes his confidence was a little too similar to what it looked like when he was in the middle of a bender. "She's a little pissed I'm crashing at her pad for the time being."

Waving your hand, you shrugged off the apology. "She was very pleasant to me."

"Uh-huh," he said, giving you a once-over. You had worn your favorite power suit, which was an oxymoron because you hated having to dress this way for work. "So….what are you doing here?"

"I saw you on the news," you quirked an eyebrow as he stepped closer to you, watching his face change to a slight smile, this time more sincere. He wasn't high, at least not yet.

"Oh yeah?" he whispered. "What'd you think?"

"I mean, holy shit," now you were having trouble being low-key. Truth be told, you were happy for him. Everything he had done was actually…judicious, impressive even. But considering the fact that you hadn't heard a lick of it from him beforehand made you think it was all spontaneous. Even if it was, it didn't matter as long as the public didn't find out, and if all the information he had was as damning as it sounded.

"Holy shit is right," he answered. "Did they…did they call you?"

"Yeah, obviously," You answered. It had been Gerri, of course, the person you were – or at least had been – closest to besides Kendall. And Logan knew it, which was why it was her who called. Kendall was waiting for more information, some kind of verification of why you'd come here. There were only two reasons, and he knew that.

"I told them to fuck off."

"Really?"

"Really," you nodded, biting your lip to hold back the smile, but it didn't work out so well. "I think…I think…this could work. I believe in you, Kendall."

He closed the gap between you, pulling you into his arms, face pressed into your hair. The faint smell of cigarettes lingered on his starched suit, a hint of his expensive cologne still discernible, though you could tell he'd been awake for days. "Thank you," he murmured. "That means a lot." Returning the embrace, you allowed yourself one moment to bask in the rare display of affection.

Not that affection was something that you should need from your boss, but for some reason it felt right. Of course, your relationship with Kendall had definitely crossed the boundaries of professionalism on more than one occasion. Part of it was the nature of the job – I mean, for the first whole year you worked at Waystar you'd had to drag him stumbling out of nightclubs, sneaking him in and out of back entrances and alleyways so the media didn't catch a whiff of his antics. Then there was the amount of time you were forced to spend together in general. Lines got blurred, you both knew too much about each other, and you were more sweet on him than maybe you should be, even though you knew it was wrong, even though you knew he was wrong.

The truth was, whether this was going to work out or not, you had to back him up. Right now was not the time to leave him high and dry. The rest of his family already had, and you felt some sort of responsibility to make sure he was okay. You would follow him anywhere, even if it was only to stop him from crashing and burning.

The elevator dinged, and you both seperated just as Naomi Pierce exited. You ran a hand through your hair as Kendall straightened his jacket, greeting his girlfriend with a kiss. If she'd seen you wrapped in his arms, she didn't give any indication.

"You remember Naomi, right?" Kendall asked. "I thought it'd be good to have her stop by and keep us all company."

You nodded, offering a tight-lipped smile. It actually seemed like a horrible idea. Naomi had been around for a few months, so you'd met her once or twice. She was generally unpleasant, as were most of Kendall's friends or romantic interests. But it was none of your business and he seemed happy, so you could only hope that maybe she was nicer than she let on.

"But hey, uh, Jess is just inside in the living room, and she'll catch you up to speed," he continued, wrapping his arm around Naomi's waist. "I've got a meeting with Lisa Arthur I want you to sit in on, and I'm pretty sure I've just hired the best fucking PR team in New York, so I hope you're ready to jump right in."

The way Kendall's demeanor had changed in mere seconds didn't go unnoticed. It was all business, now. Whatever. You gestured to your messenger bag slung over your shoulder. "Of course I am."

"All right, great, awesome. Well, I'm happy to have you here."

Grinning, you backed away. "Yep, me too." Turning to leave the room, you finally let the fake smile drop from your face. You hoped this wasn't a mistake.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Entering the main room of the event space, you paused to take a look around. There was so much going on, it was hard to keep track of it all, between the nods to Kendall's upbringing, the ridiculous fake magazine covers plastered on the walls, the celebrities and socialites milling about, and the bassy club hits blasting over the loudspeakers.

Luckily, you were a VIP, and you were hoping that the wristband that had been looped onto your wrist mere moments ago could get you into a much less overstimulating area.

You had to say, the party was a great representation of your life that past few weeks, still clinging on, despite seeming destined to fail. Kendall's choices in dealing with the media through this whole ordeal had been questionable at best, and despite your objections, the train just kept going, even though it's destination was becoming more and more unclear.

It was frustrating, because at one point, you truly believed that Kendall could pull this off, become CEO and get Waystar back on track. But unfortunately, as of late, he was more focused on pandering to critics and obnoxiously defending his actions to the public than he was actually accomplishing anything meaningful. His PR team which he'd talked up so much were only yes men and never provided any constructive feedback. He'd fired the only other voice of reason Lisa Arthur, so you were the only one left.

You'd tried every way you could think of to question his choices, to steer him in more productive directions, but he either ignored you or flat out refused. It wasn't fun to argue with Kendall, and you'd had your fair share of spats at this point, so you were feeling a little bitter.

Oh well. You had tonight to get dressed up, be a little irresponsible and hopefully forget about the shitshow that was your job. At least that had been the promise of the evening.

Kendall found you first, sneaking up behind you and slinging an arm over your neck to pull you in for a hug. He was some combination of drunk and high, but clearly not crashing yet, as the huge smile on his face was very telling.

"Hey, happy birthday!" you exclaimed, accepting his hug and then a very overzealous kiss on the cheek.

"I'm so glad you could make it," he chuckled, an arm winding around your waist as he led you out of the river of partygoers towards a balcony area overlooking the party, where it was a little more quiet. "I thought you'd find some excuse to not show."

"Well, you only turn 40 once so…I couldn't miss this," you gestured towards the dance floor below.

"It means a lot that you're here," he took a swig of the beer in his opposite hand, the one on your waist not moving as his gaze became rather intense. You saw behind his dilated pupils all the sincerity in his words, and immediately, the resentment you'd been feeling all but melted away as you relaxed against his touch. You laughed lightly, eyes darting around just to make sure Naomi wasn't nearby, you didn't think you could handle more than one run-in with her catching you in his arms. When you saw that the coast was clear, you loosened up.

Kendall cleared his throat, leaning in. "Listen, I know I said I'm trying to change the culture of misogynistic bullshit that my dad created or whatever the fuck, but I have to say…off the record….you look fucking hot."

You rolled your eyes and swatted at him playfully. "Oh my god, shut up."

"I mean come on, this dress…it's definitely working for you," he gave you a greedy once-over, he couldn't help himself. "I like it alot."

Giggling before finishing the drink in your hand, you leaned in to whisper in his ear. "I thought you might," you said coyly. He laughed as you drifted closer to him. It'd been awhile since you'd engaged in a shameless flirt with him, which unfortunately, was one of your famous pastimes. Things had been far from playful between you both as of late. You were pretty sure the edible you took before you left your house was kicking in, because you were feeling lightheaded, each graze of his hand left your skin tingling in its wake.

"What's this?" you pinched the shoulder of his jacket - which was a little ridiculous - you preferred the way he looked in his tailored suits, but you wanted him regardless. "I like this."

"Gucci," he answered.

"Holy shit, you went all out."

"You gotta," he shrugged.

"Well, I'm happy to be here, I hope you're having a good night," you let your hand rest on his bicep, smiling at him.

"I am, I hope you are, too."

You both seemed to realize where you were at the same time, slowly inching away from each other, his hand leaving your waist, the guise of professionalism back up again even though you were both some variation of high and drunk.

Kendall's gaze shifted over your shoulder. "Hey," you were interrupted by a familiar man's voice in your ear. You turned to find your date for the evening, offering you one of the two drinks in his hands.

"Thanks!" you accepted it graciously. "Uh, Kendall, this is Ron, Ron, Kendall."

The smile had disappeared off Kendall's face, and they shook hands, exchanged pleasantries, as you sipped your drink and watched. Ron was handsome, dark curly hair and big brown eyes. You wished you knew more about him but all you knew was that he was a lawyer, in tech or something, and he had a California King sized bed in his apartment. He was the perfect, cute distraction that you needed.

Kendall excused himself shortly after, and you ended up with your shoes off, on the dance floor with your date. Drinking and partying had never really been your 'thing', but it was usually a means to an end doing business, so you'd grown to enjoy it, even if it was just for convenience sake.

A few hours had passed, and you were now thoroughly buzzed, moderately stoned, and a little sweaty. You'd sampled all the hors d'oeuvres, let Ron pull you into a few dark corners to make out, and had done a few laps around the space, checking out all the details Kendall's PR team had put together. You were thankful that organizing it wasn't a part of your responsibilities, as it was pretty chaotic.

Eventually, you somehow got separated from Ron, and ended up in the super VIP area, which was some sort of treehouse-themed situation, and you ran into Kendall again.

"Hey," he said, grabbing you by the wrist and pulling you aside once more. You laughed at first, wondering if he was trying to engage again in some light flirting. "I didn't know you were, uh, seeing someone."

"Oh, Ron?" you asked. "Mmmmm, yeah we're not really seeing each other. It's not really…we're just fucking." Too far gone for finding a way to nicely explain what a sneaky link was, you winced at your own answer. You'd never spoken to Kendall so candidly about your personal life.

"Right, got it," Kendall answered shortly. He wasn't in the same state as he had been earlier, now more stiff and serious. Perhaps the drugs had worn off, or things weren't going his way. You'd noticed that Shiv and Roman had made an appearance but did your best to avoid them, so you wondered if that was making him antsy. "That's good, actually, because I need you to do something for me."

"Like what, like work?"

"Yeah uh-huh, kinda."

You clicked your tongue. "I don't know, I thought everyone was supposed to be able to let loose tonight, I thought work wasn't supposed to be a thing. I mean, they tried to take my phone when I came in."

"And you didn't let them?" he frowned, and you realized this was a completely different Kendall than the one who had been hitting on you a mere hour before. He opened his mouth to speak again but then closed it, shaking his head.

"Hey are you okay?" you asked, putting your hand on his shoulder.

"Yeah, I'm fucking fine," he shrugged away from your touch. "But really, you still have your phone? What are you, spying on me? Taking notes to pass off to my dad like you used to?"

"What? Kendall, no, I just…I didn't…"

"Didn't what? Think the rules apply to you?" Kendall asked. "What's been going on with you lately, anyways?"

"What are you talking about?"

"All the fucking negativity, just like, killing the fucking vibe, I mean-" he cut himself off. "Whatever, listen, walk with me."

"Ohhkay?" you let him put a hand between your shoulder blades as he guided you through the crowd towards a lounge area. Stopping just short of it, he gestured to a handsome blonde man who was scrolling on his phone looking bored.

"You see that guy?" he gestured towards the man. "Do you know him?"

"Am I supposed to?" you wondered where this was going.

"It's Lukas Mattson. He owns Gojo."

"No shit," you raised an eyebrow.

"Waystar is trying to buy Gojo, and I think Roman and Shiv are trying to make a light approach tonight. I can't let that happen, or we're fucked."

"And?" you had no idea how this involved you.

"Listen, he told me earlier he was trying to find someone to hang out with tonight-" Kendall paused when he saw your face, stuttering. "Well, the exact words he used were privacy, pussy, and pasta."

"You're a super VIP, so you can get into pretty much any of the more quiet rooms. I just need you to flirt with him, get him out of the public eye, keep him company, you know, whatever. And hey, you might get a more serious situation out of it than whoever the fuck I met earlier. You're both kind of into that hippie shit. Don't worry, I'll introduce you."

You felt sick to your stomach.

Without waiting for your response, Kendall dragged you forward, but you didn't budge. He turned around to look at you. "Come on."

"No," you said, but he either didn't hear or didn't care, you staggered forward fighting against his weight pulling you forward. "No, Kendall, hey, stop!" You hissed, digging your nails into his arm until he finally turned around to face you.

"What's the issue?" he asked, irritated, as if he was allowed to feel that way after what he'd just asked you to do. Sure, you knew how to turn on the charm to close a deal and it never hurt to be a little coquettish, but it was always at your own discretion. This was just flat-out offensive. And really, deep down, it hurt.

"I- I mean," you stuttered, trying to come up with something. The room felt like it was closing in on you, your face growing warm, your throat dry. "I don't really think this is a solution to your problem, I mean, why don't you just kick Roman out?"

"Kick my own brother out of my birthday party?" Kendall raised his eyebrows. "Oh yeah, the media would fucking love that, wouldn't they? They'd eat that shit up, I'd be asshole of the year."

"Kendall, I don't understand why you are so worried about what everyone thinks of you." you asked. "Who cares? He's been treating you like shit."

"You're fucking unbelievable, you know that?" Kendall shot back. "What's your fucking deal anyways? I mean, first the phone, now this? You've spent the last few months shooting down any decent idea I have, are you trying to fuck this whole thing?"

"What?" you were incredulous. "No. Kendall, I'm trying to protect you."

"Uh-huh, yeah, well, I don't fucking need you to do that for me anymore, okay?" he hissed.

"That's not what I meant, and you know it. I'm just trying to make sure you're making the right decisions okay? Sometimes you need to think things through, I mean, you've been really impulsive lately and-"

"Well if I wanted your two cents I would ask, okay?"

"I've fucking bitten my tongue more than I can count and you want to act like it's just me being a bitch? I'm not going to let you whore me out to your business partners whenever you want." At this point you were just yelling. Luckily, there were very few people who seemed to even notice it over the music and general debauchery happening.

Kendall's eyes darted around. "Lower your voice."

His patronizing tone only spurred you on, and stepped forward so you were inches from his face. "You don't want my advice, so what am I even here for?"

"That's a good question."

You let out a sharp exhale, your stomach dropped. It was impossible to mask the damage his words had done. Tears burned along your waterline. God you'd never cried in front of him before, this was humiliating. "Fuck you," you jabbed your finger into his chest, hard enough he stepped backwards. You couldn't keep your voice from shaking. "I believed in you."

You stepped backwards as he met you with a dead-eyed, blank stare, like your words weren't even registering, like none of this even mattered to him, like you hadn't been loyal to him for years, like you weren't his only real confidant. Swallowing hard, you swiped at the tears under your eyes.

"Enjoy your party," you said, turning on your heel. You wouldn't give him the satisfaction of looking over your shoulder on your way out.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When you first got home, you had a good long cry. The whole shitty mess of tonight found you surprisingly heartbreaking, especially because you weren't sure if you could ever make amends with Kendall after everything you said. Of course, there was a sort of relief in finally giving him a piece of your mind, but you could've handled it better. You weren't much of a crier, but once the years worth of pent up emotions were released, it was hard to stop the floodgates.

Enough time passed for the alcohol to wear off, and thanks to a lengthy bedtime routine, a few glasses of water, and smoking half of a joint you rolled, you were finally able to calm down.

Kendall hadn't known what it meant to be home in decades. Or maybe he really never knew what a home was. But it wasn't his penthouse suite where his girlfriend had taken him after the party. There was only one person, besides his father, who knew who he really was, who had never betrayed him, and the last thing he had done to her was terrible. But he couldn't think of anywhere else to go.

You were half asleep when there was a knock on your door. It was well past any reasonable time for a neighbor to be reaching out, and you checked the peephole out of caution.

Kendall was on the other side. You couldn't see much, but he was hunched over, leaning against the door. Maybe, if you ignored him long enough he'd go away. But you shifted your weight and the creak of the wooden floorboards gave you away before that was even a possibility.

"I know you're in there, open up," you heard him call out, loudly, too loudly. You had neighbors, thin walls, and an overly-attentive landlord.

Sighing, you opened the door, not bothering to unlock the deadbolt and peeking through at him. "Kendall, go home."

"Please let me in," he wedged his hand in between the small crack of the door. If he really thought it would stop you from slamming it on his fingers, he was wrong. But it would be a risky move.

He was not okay. You could tell immediately. He never was, but this was different. And you were angry at him, still, but it seemed like sending him back down the hallway would get you into more trouble than it was worth. The obligation to protect him was more deep-seated than you'd thought.

You groaned loudly, shoving his hand out from between the door and it's frame. "Fine," you hissed, letting him inside. And he walked past you, but paused in the tiny entranceway to your apartment, looking at the floor. For a moment, you wondered how he even knew where you lived, but you supposed this was the address on all your paychecks, so it wasn't exactly a shock he'd found you.

"I'm sorry," he said suddenly, looking up at you. You crossed your arms. "I fucked up. I shouldn't have done that to you, tried to use you like that. But really…I shouldn't have talked to you like that and I…I'm sorry I made you cry."

You sighed. "That's all this is about?"

"Well, no…" he began. "I mean, yeah, uh, maybe…I guess."

"Okay, well, thanks for that," you said flatly. There was clearly something else going on, but you weren't even sure if you had the time or energy to try to get it all out of him. "And I'm sorry, too. I said some shitty stuff."

"It's fine, I deserved it," he answered quickly, and snuck a glance over at you. You knew what you looked like, the complete opposite of earlier, hair unkempt, glasses on, pajamas on. "You're not going to quit, are you?"

"Ugh," you rolled your eyes. "Seriously? This couldn't have waited until tomorrow, Kendall?"

He lowered his head again, refused to make eye contact as you glared at him. You weren't going to speak any more, you were still frustrated with him. Hell, you weren't even sure if you really accepted…or believed his apology.

"No." Kendall swallowed hard, raising his gaze from the floor and looking at you. Beyond his over-dilated pupils was a deep, deep despair that threatened to drown you along with him. "I just, uh…can you?" He stepped forward, arms slightly open. You knew what he was asking for, even if he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

"Come here," you murmured. Meeting him halfway, you closed the gap between him, wrapping your arms around his shoulders. He clung to you in return, tightly, desperately, burying his face in your neck and holding on like his life depended on it. He let out a choked sob, muffled by your shoulder, and you could feel his body tense up, trying to hold everything back.

"It's okay, Kendall," you whispered, turning your head to brush your lips over his temple, the urge to comfort him unavoidable. He could probably count on one hand any sincere act of kindness he'd ever encountered. There was a chronic desire for genuine connection that was never fulfilled, he was constantly rejected by the people he was supposed to love and trust. And maybe you couldn't fix it all, but you could at least try. You let him be the first to pull away, which took some time. "Why don't you come in and sit down, let me make you something to drink, okay?" you rubbed his arm, and he clutched at your hand clumsily. "Come on, take your coat off."

Kendall took off the ridiculous jacket he'd been wearing all night, and you hung it up, making your way to the kitchen and pouring him a glass of water while he sat on the couch.

"This is so fucking pathetic," he said, under his breath but loud enough to hear, and you passed him the glass, which he sipped from once before placing on the table in front of him.

"If it makes you feel any better, I cry every year on my birthday," you said, before grabbing a blanket from a drawer in your coffee table and draping it over his shoulders.

"Really?" he asked. "Why?"

You shrugged, rubbing his back. "I don't know. It's always a letdown, isn't it? Getting older?"

He snorted. "Uh-huh, I guess so."

Kendall leaned back, and you shifted your weight to tuck your feet underneath you, putting your arm over the back of the couch and facing him. "So uh, what happened with that guy you were with earlier?"

You laughed dryly. "Ron? I don't know. I left without him. I told him he could stay, so…who knows."

"I was uh, a little surprised he wasn't here," he said.

"Mmm, well if he wanted to be here he had the option," you answered. "Anyways, he was talking to a girl before I left so…I'm sure he's fine."

"Uh-huh."

The two of you sat in silence for a moment, and you were trying to think of a way to make him feel even the slightest bit better. "Listen I know it's technically not your birthday anymore, but do you want your present?"

"Uh, sure…" Kendall looked at you. "You didn't leave it there?"

"No, well," you looked around sheepishly as you stood up. "I took it when I left, cause you…hurt my feelings, and I was pissed off," you joked.

He smiled slightly at your words, but when his expression neutralized again he looked in even more pain than before. "I'm sorry," he repeated his words from earlier.

"It's okay, it was a little dramatic of me anyways, because I don't know what I'd do with this." Picking up the large gift from behind the couch, you passed it to him and sat back down, looking over his shoulder.

Tearing away the wrapping paper to reveal what was underneath, Kendall paused. "What...is…"

"Italy, Lake Como," you answered, leaning over his shoulder to look at the watercolor painting that had taken weeks to complete. "I don't even know if you remember, it was last year, before the shitshow. Some conference or something everyone had to go to. I'd never been before, and it was so beautiful. It was only a few days, and you seemed so happy."

You pointed to a small figure in the corner of the landscape, the silhouette of a man smoking, leaning over a balcony. "You can't really tell, but that's you."

"It's beautiful." Kendall shook his head, fingers tracing over the image of himself. "Who'd you hire to do this?"

"Oh, I did it," you answered. Kendall looked over at you. "I have the reference photo, I can show you."

In hindsight you weren't really happy with yourself for the amount of effort you'd put into this – it was too much, in your opinion. While you were painting, there were several times you almost scrapped it, as you weren't even sure if he'd like it, and it cost you next to nothing. You'd never had much luck buying gifts for his family, as there was nothing they couldn't afford and buy for themselves. For Kendall at least, this had seemed obvious.

"Holy shit, I didn't know you could do this," he looked back at the painting. "This is like…fucking professional."

"Oh, no not really, it's just a hobby."

"No," Kendall shook his head. "Just take the compliment."

You felt your face grow warm, a little bashful. "Well, thanks."

"No, thank you," he said. "I don't-" began, before his voice cracked.

"Okay, stop that," you smiled, but felt your face fall when he set the painting aside. "What, do you hate it or something?"

"No," he said, and put his head in his hands. "Not at all."

"No please," you giggled, trying to get him to pep up. "I wasn't trying to make you cry, you can't cry right now."

"I don't deserve this," his voice trembled. "I was so shitty to you, I've been so shitty. And you fucking do this kind of stuff for me."

"Stop it," you scolded, wrapping your arms around him from behind. "If all of that was true, I would've quit a long time ago. You've done a lot for me."

Kendall shook his head, but sat up straighter, clearing his throat. "Uh-huh. I'm not so sure about that."

You took a deep inhale, because you weren't going to waste energy arguing about something so petty.

"What's really going on, Kendall? Did something happen tonight?"

He was silent for awhile, so long you weren't even sure if he had heard you. But before you could speak again, he did.

"I don't think I'm gonna win anymore. My dad wants to buy me out. I think he knows something…something I don't."

Kendall frowned before continuing. "Tonight was…I don't know if anyone there really cared about me. Naomi…" he shook his head. "Even Shiv and Roman, they were just trying to get at Mattson. My dad….he's ruined them…"

Kendall began to weep again, and you pulled him back into your arms gently. "I'm so sorry," you murmured, and he curled closer to you, his head falling to your lap. Carefully, you carded your fingers through his hair, massaging his scalp. Kendall had never, ever been this open with you. Maybe one other time. But this was a different type of vulnerability, a deep wound that opened well before he crashed that car into the river.

"Maybe you should get out," you said quietly. "Take the money, Kendall, and get out. Everything Logan has put you through can't be worth this."

He turned and looked up at you, his hand clasping over yours, bringing it to hold it over his heart. "Maybe I should."

"By the way," you added. "I care about you."

You knew tonight wasn't time for some grand confession. Not while he was in this state. So it was the closest you could get without saying it outright.

"Thank you," he mumbled. "You're the only person who really knows me."

You gave him a sad smile in response.

"I'll leave soon, I promise."

"You can stay," you answered softly.

And so he did, staying with his head on your lap and you leaning back against the couch cushions. The traffic outside, which once used to keep you up all night, eventually lulled you both to sleep.

Part II

#succession #succession writing #succession fics #kendall roy #kendall roy x reader #kendall roy x you #naomi pierce #roman roy #shiv roy #logan roy #rava roy #kendall x reader writer alliance please rise

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jtrokujo · 3 years

Text

𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐋𝐓𝐇𝐘 𝐎𝐑 𝐓𝐎𝐗𝐈𝐂¿

paring: Mikaela Hyakuya x fem!Reader

(they’re 18+!!!)

word count: 4k

warning: this story contains sexual content

gerne: smut

summary: there are days when they get along well but there were also days when they hated each other like the plague and even though they love each other?

—

The weather is neutral, but I wish it got better.

The sun is obscured by the gray clouds, but it's not windy or anything.

You could even go out with a top.

However, y / n decided to take a seat in the four walls with a number of different books and a tall pile of books right next to them.

As she gently leafed through the pages of the somewhat older book, she felt a stab.

Of course it didn't hurt since no one was attacking her, but it felt like someone was watching her.

Without presenting her feelings, she took some books and put the rest where she got them.

Immediately after leaving the library, she stopped in the middle of the path and said with an annoyed sigh, "Bathory, I know you're here."

He stands grinning in front of y / n, but could hardly show a disappointed face.

With his head tilted to one side, he looked at his prey and smiled at her immediately. "I prefer you to call me by my first name, dear."

“I do what I want and not what you want, Bathory. Besides, I have better things to do than waste my precious time being influenced by you. "

When they told the vampire, she continued on her way, or at least intended to.

As quickly as he came, he grabbed her arm just as quickly. "But y / n, why is it in such a hurry?" asked the vampire, amused, pressing more and more on hers with every second, so slowly you could hear her bones. Y / n had to react immediately!

Without thinking for a second, she dropped all of the books on the white floor and immediately grabbed her gun. "You should let go of me!" y / n's voice rang out down the hall and immediately shot the vampire in the arm.

His blood spurted around her.

Y / n got his blood on her face as well as on her clothes - it was the same with Bathory, also the wall and especially the floor got his blood.

"Disgusting." mumbled y / n and wiped the blood on her face, although she knew herself that it would be of no use.

"What's going on here?" Everyone but not him.

"Hello Mika!" said Ferid with delight and turned to get a better look at him.

"Have you lost your nerve again?" he asked me annoyed, but he only looked at me for a few seconds and immediately saw Ferid's blood spatter.

"What do you mean 'again'?"

Even if we've known each other for a long time, we both have to admit that one and the other have diverged. Sometimes it was his fault, sometimes it was me. There were of course moments when we got along really well, but in the end they weren't enough in my opinion.

"Since you've lived with us, at least one vampire must have got something from your weapon."

Said the blond-haired vampire while his eyes stared at me.

I'm not understating when I say that his eyes alone make me feel naked.

Mika only manages to control me through his eyes, even though I should be the one who should control every vampire or the various books I spend most of my time on just one more bad joke.

It was enough for vampires to exist and more than hundreds of people took their own lives just to be able to enjoy themselves. To this day I cannot forgive any of the vampires for what they did to me or those around me. I know myself that there are bad ones, but what is their goal?

Or do you have a goal?

"Y / n." I heard his voice.

Awakened from my trance, I see his eyes again. However, they do not have this previous aura, no, they are a little stricter this time. When I gave him a sign of his attention, the lecture immediately came, "You are old enough to know how to behave and with whom to behave. If you show this behavior to someone else, I'll let that person do it . " and do what they want, because I haven't had the nerve for someone like you for a long time. So finally know your limits before I use my weapon against you! "

Impressive. From sentence to sentence his voice grew louder and louder. Seriously, I never expected or even had the idea of this side of Mika in my life, but here it is. Wonderful y / n, now you have managed to sink deeply with Mika, which is actually the very last thing I ever wanted to achieve in my life, but life has never been a paradise.

With a chuckle, Bathory put his arm and my shoulders and spoke to Mika.

"But, but Mika shouldn't be so strict with her. She's just a little girl again, not even now, is she?" "If I were that little girl, you would surely have two arms instead of one." After saying my sentence, I picked up the books that were still on the floor and didn't say goodbye to anyone, why should I?

Bathory is nothing more than an idiot who uses his satisfaction to see others suffer rather than provoke them too.

While Mika nudges both children like a father, although the other is to blame for everything.

When I got to my room, I put the books on my table and sat on my bed, thinking about the old days. However, I don't think of the days with loved ones that I lost, but of those that I spent with Mika before he gave me a “better life”.

I could leave it all behind at any time and either not start an old or a new life, but I love to have him in my heart for it.

Sighing at my thoughts, I give up and stood in front of my closet for the next minute.

While the lukewarm water felt the white bathtub, my clothes landed on the floor.

This life is more of a calling expected of others than a life of its own. A break does no harm to anyone.

I said to myself and after a few seconds I closed my eyes.

After my bath or a break from the real world, I'm just choosing which book to read.

As I was about to start the new book, someone knocked on my door.

Hesitantly, I said the door was open and waited for the person behind it to appear. Please leave it all but Bathory.

Sighing, I immediately put my hand on my left breast and saw him, Mika.

To be honest, I'm happy to see him, but I'm not, but I don't need an explanation. "Good evening." he said in his usual tone. Without making a big head out of it, I repeated it myself, but added if he needed anything from me.

Shivering, I answered my question in the negative and came up to me with slow steps.

The only thing I could do was do nothing. I stopped. When our faces are a few centimeters away, his arm came slowly towards my body, until he reached for something, when he had this in his hand, he came back with a few steps and immediately held a book in my face.

"I really recommend it, I have to say, you have pretty good taste when it comes to books. I've read it several times because these stories, the writing style, the plot and most of all the characters are up to me." uniquely well written down to the smallest detail. "

I looked at the vampire in amazement. "You read that too?" "Y / n, if I hadn't read it, I wouldn't have a clue either."

A little ashamed of my oh-so-intelligent question, I also looked at the floor.

The whole time there was nothing to be heard, neither a little intoxication, nor even breathing. But after a few seconds, Mika also broke the embarrassing silence by taking a few steps and holding out his arm to me. I don't understand it about myself. When Mika is around, I either act annoyed or neutral. However, countless butterflies gather in my stomach when I think of him alone!

"Y / n ... y / n?!" Mika looked up, gave me a neutral look and at the same time held a few strands of my hair and asked me if he should tie my hair up with a towel. I gently took the wet strands of hair from his hand and began to giggle at my discomfort and nervousness. The thought of me being weird was always out of the question.

"I think I'll blow dry my hair. I'll see you at dinner or tomorrow."

"I'll see you at dinner or tomorrow." repeated Mika before she disappeared from my room.

Locked in the room and caught in his deepest thoughts, he stared over the ceiling.

The reviews of that day haunted him to this day when he also dreamed them.

Sleeping now wouldn't be for him, even though it is shortly before 2 o'clock.

But what can you do about it?

The vampire rose from the bed, stretched out, and decided to go for a walk immediately.

As he walked through the empty corridors, he always hoped not to meet anyone.

Whatever stays that way.

Bored and hands in his pockets, the floor caught his attention. It didn't take long, however, because he was amazed to get up when he saw the light coming from someone's room.

He was more than sure whose room, or rather chamber, it was.

It was Y / n's.

He stopped in front of it, thinking, held out his hand and wanted to knock on the door. At the same time he quickly put his hand in his pocket. This scenario takes about 3 minutes. But it wasn't the vampire's nervousness that was unusual, no, why should he be at y / n's door? This is funny.

Doesn't he often seem annoyed or stern in your presence?

Well, he doesn't even know what's going on in his head.

After an eternity, the vampire finally knocked on the human's door and immediately heard "Come in" from the other side.

Without telling himself twice, he opened the door and saw her. He saw her spread out on the large bed with several notes and books.

Stressed out. You can't see it from the outside, but even Mika can confess that he thinks it is strange to see y / n at this time.

"Do you need something?" she asked him and fixed him with her gaze.

"Shouldn't you be sleeping long ago?" he asked and at the same time crossed his arms over his chest.

"Mika, I could ask you that too, don't you think?" sigh y / n and slowly start piling up her notes and books together.

When Mika offered her help, she politely declined and slowly and carefully put the things on her desk.

"If you have nothing special to do, you can always keep me company, you know?"

Yes, even if there is an argument between the two, they still get along well. However, they don't seem to be as close as they used to be. Without saying anything, Mika accepted the offer and sat next to y / n.

Was that really wise?

The smell of y / n gets over his head, but he's not as easy to lose control as other vampires.

Breathing hard, Mika rubbed her eyes and hoped that this unbearable smell would go away any moment.

Easier said than done.

If only I had drunk blood in the last few days. The vampire cursed.

Y / n noticed his unusual behavior and tried to communicate with him, but to no avail. She called his name several times, tapped him on the shoulder, and shook him a little. He seems trapped in his own world. For the first time she seemed to see someone so trapped in his own world. When will he regain his senses?

Annoyed, she hit his skull with her fist, which led to a groan of pain from Mika's mouth. "What does this mean?!"

“If you are tired, please go to your room and sleep there.

Both rolled their eyes in annoyance.

"You have nothing to say to me, human."

"Oh really? What are you going to do about it, vampire?" It wasn't a mistake by y / n, but rather Mika's mistake. If he hadn't called her a human, she wouldn't have called him a vampire. Nobody except Mika knows right now how much he hates vampires and yet he is one himself, but you have to remember that he never wanted to be one. Not everyone is lucky in life.

As I said, even if it was his own fault that she reminded him, he completely lost his nerve. Slowly she approached y / n, she already felt the dark aura coming towards her. However, y / n did not want to show the fear that is in her and slowly rising above her head. She will regret it. "Repeat when you have the pity." "What is the problem? You called me human and I called you a vampire, but you know what makes me be silly, get out of here, vampire. ”Without further ulterior motives, Mika grabbed her wrist and squeezed the bones with her hand listened from print to print. When she wanted to reach for her gun, which is under her top, Mika was a second faster and threw it directly to the end of the room. When Mika immediately released his hand from Y / n's wrist, she saw an emotion in his eyes, sadness.

He was hurt, but shouldn't he care? What should a little person who plays with little guns do against a vampire, ask him about a game? However, he saw her more as a person, he saw her as someone he can love, with whom he can laugh, of course he had had these people before in his life, but they have long since disappeared. Oh how much he loves her.

If only she knew how many letters he wrote her, but never gave them to her, but hid them in his room.

"I'm really stupid." Mika muttered trembling to herself. Y / n heard it and slowly walked up to him "Mika, that was very childish of me and, to be honest, I'm sorry." When she tried to touch his shoulder, he knocked her away and looked into her eyes, it was their fault.

“I don't want your decisions! I never wanted to be a vampire! If you don't know anything about me, please be quiet and think twice before you open your door! ”The whole room went quiet, pretty quiet. It was rather uncomfortably quiet for y / n, but she preferred to keep her mouth shut because it looked like Mika was looking for the right words. "Why do I love you? Tell me Y / N, how can I love you when you hate me so much?" His voice was fragile and it was tormented to hear it that way. "Mika, I had never hated you before." Exhausted, Mika sat down on the floor and looked at the gun at the other end of the room. "Every time I see a gun like that, I hate myself even more." “Even if it sounds a bit clichéd, for example because of the current situation, I have to and want to admit that I love you Mika. You are in such pain and apparently you have torn old wounds. You didn't deserve that, nobody deserved that. ”Y / n sat like Mika on the floor and hugged him. Her warm body against his cold one. As if in slow motion, their faces stood a few inches apart until their lips met.

𝐒𝐊𝐈𝐏

With my hands on the back of his neck and my tongue seeking his, his fingertips dance from my thigh under my top.

Only he managed to make me shiver everywhere in a few seconds with the help of his touch. Not through his ice-cold skin, no, only through him. In keeping with the mood, the cold raindrops hit my window pane. "Waiting." he whispered to me.

Not a second later it was pitch black in my room. The butterflies in my stomach just like Mika don't know when to stop, but I love it, never let it stop! His lips kissed every inch of my skin and whispered to me how divine my body was. His hands slide up my top until it finally brushes over my head. The first item of clothing is already on the floor. My legs were around his waist so he could pick me up and lay me on my bed. When he did that, his lips were still on my skin.

As I lay down comfortably, I watched his clothes land piece by piece on the floor. His belly is built like that of a Greek god and although it is dark the moon shines on him. One could have immediately thought it was a godsend. The boxer shorts were the only items of clothing that remained. While I was about to take off my pants, Mika took my hands and indicated that he could do it himself. When my pants peeled off my skin, he looked at my legs in admiration and immediately threw my pants on the floor. Now stand half-naked in front of my bed. The red cheeks on his cheeks were clearly visible. "Are we really supposed to pull this off?" I asked Mika and looked him in the eye. His lips approached my ear and he breathed softly, "Y / n, the question is not, we should, but we can. A human and a vampire, is that a good chemistry?"

"Why don't we want to find out?" I whispered and kissed his shoulder in time. Now he looked at me again, but with clearly red cheeks you could have thought he had a fever, but I can't blame him, because even when his ice-cold body is on top of mine, my body manages to have a hot temperature.

As our tongues played with each other again, our hands explored each other's bodies. While one hand pinches my buttocks, the other is right on my bra clasp.

Moaning slightly, I also pinched his buttocks and felt my muscles tense. A low gasp left his delicate lips, which made me even weaker. My temperature rises more and more with each of his touches.

I can not stand it anymore!

He knows very well that he has the upper hand!

When my bra, like the rest of the clothes, landed on the floor, his ice-cold hands brushed my arms up to my hips and brushed the last piece of clothing across the floor.

I was breathing hard down in my zone.

His hands were on each thigh so I couldn't pinch my legs together. Apart from the horniness, I could hardly move my legs because of his strength, you can not say that he is so strong. The horniness in me is going like crazy! With every breath Mika takes against my area, the butterflies in my stomach fly crazier.

When his tongue brushed my cervix for less than a second, I let out a gasp. Immediately afterwards he pressed his tongue against it and danced with it at the same time. That I'm getting wetter is not only clear to me, but also to Mika, when he was his tongue in my entrance, she explored every single inch inside.

Overwhelmed by shame and lust, I pressed one hand against my mouth so as not to make a noise from you, and the other on his white-blonde hair.

Every time his tongue penetrated deeper and he spread my thighs wider and wider, it honestly hurt, but I don't care about that at the moment because as good as he makes me feel no one is going to do it and I want it too nobody does it because I just want them. Because I just want Mika.

When I thought it couldn't get better, I was wrong. When he started sucking, I was done. My lustful moans got louder every time I sucked, but I do my best that nobody but Mika can hear it. When he freed his tongue from the entrance again, he stuck his middle and ring finger in the next second and didn't give me a second to get used to it. The speed of his fingers is unique!

No matter how much I press my hand against my mouth, my moans stay louder.

Several times his name groaned, which only drove him to increase the speed. My orgasm is nourishing. When I groaned and said I was about to be there, he didn't stop but continued. His tongue dances on my cervix and his fingers successfully hit the G-spot every time, it's just breathtaking!

When my orgasm came, I screamed his name with relish and breathed heavily as I stared at the ceiling.

His beautiful face approached mine, but he devoted his lips to my ears and whispered, "A second round won't hurt you." Aren't my trembling legs enough for him? In the middle of the kiss, I slowly felt his member inside me, but my nails clawed behind his back in pain, we continued the kiss. Now it was Mika who groaned in the middle of the kiss. He closed his eyes and kissed my chest as his hips began to dance. Is it still normal for him to make me feel this way? Because on the one hand I can no longer, on the other hand I want more! Mika's one hand is on my thigh while the other is on my chest. The way he plays sensitive nipples is superb.

I don't know how he makes me feel so good, but I want him to never stop. "Mika, don't stop." I moaned in his ear and wrapped my legs around his waist. When he saw me, I didn't know how to feel. Because his eyes are blood red! He slowly approached my neck. That cold breath worried me even more. He didn't bite me, however, but instead scratched his designated spot with his fangs as the blood flowed from the wound, so it propelled him and made him much faster than before. The clap of our skin was just as loud as the satisfying moans from our mouths. "Y / n." he groaned my name and immediately turned me around. Now my back was visible to him. With both hands on our hips, our bodies clapped together. When I moaned his name one last time, the orgasm came, Mika pulled his member out of me and rubbed it with his hand until finally the white sperm speared out of his body.

𝐒𝐊𝐈𝐏

After Mika helped me cleanse my body, we are back in bed naked. "Do you think we can do it?" Mika asked out of nowhere. “I don't think so, I know, Mika. And I think you should too. "The vampire looked at me lovingly and finally kissed me on the lips and immediately afterwards whispered" Good night, y / n. " "Good night, Mika."

#mikaela hyakuya #owari no seraph mikaela #owari no seraph #mikaela x reader #oneshot #fanfic #fanfiction #x reader #female #x you #love story #smut #seraph of the end #yuichiro hyakuya #shinoa hiragi #ferid bathory #guren ichinose

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desired-victim · 3 years

Note

Helloo! I wanted to request hisoka with corruption kink. Just write however you want to lolol i dont mind any freaky🏃

Ha *wipes sweat off forehead* I hope this hard work pays off. I put every ounce of effort in writing this 😮‍💨. I didn’t do any bullet points on this one but it does have about four thousand words! Please ignore the possible grammar mistakes, I do have trouble writing dialogue. I worked on yours all night long and I’m exhausted. My fingers sure are. I kept your request deeply in mind. You can see poor, little (Y/N)’s innocence melt right off her like ice cream ;). Anyway, here’s your request, my love 💕

I wanted to honor the divine feminine so you will see my appreciation for the female body below 👇

💕TW: The content below contains: degradation, domination kink, submission kink, dub con, threat of forced anal intercourse, pure smut, corruption kink, possible bad grammar, loss of virginity, dirty talk, cunnilingus, vaginal sex, corruption of innocence, Oh, and Hisoka is a TW itself.

Enjoy…

He’s tall.

God, he is so tall. Such long, strong legs - slender yet thick with muscle. Despite being erotically pleasant, his legs weren’t the best part of him. The best part of him was what your eyes followed. From his shins, to his knees, to his thighs, to his hips, to that beautifully sculpted torso of his, to his neck, and then you reached his eyes.

Those eyes. Those sharp, golden eyes of his.

His eyes unsettled most people. It was as though they could pierce your very soul, and see how weak and worthless you truly are. He's a predator - always keen, always aware, and always watching for a reason for you to be his next target.

Hisoka… how did you get those eyes?

She wondered how she caught his attention. He was the type of man to overlook girls like her. A blushing, doe eyed dolt, who could barely speak to strangers without stuttering a storm.

Why? Why would someone like Hisoka find her worthy of even being near him? Of being in his bed, of being by his side, of being between his legs. He is so very special, and I'm…

“My Little Slice, you look delightful when your down there~”

His voice shook her out of her thoughts. She looked at his teasing gaze and meekly lowered her sight to his lips. There, she saw them curl up into a grin. She tensed up and covered her naked chest with her arms. Just then, she realized how unbelievably exposed she was to his scrutiny.

“Oh, nervous now~,” he laughed out, sitting up from the headboard and closer to her face, “isn’t that sweet…”

More red than ever, she turned her face from Hisoka and leaned back. Instead of letting her move away, his hand wrapped around her wrist and thrusted her towards him. She yelped out as her cheek pressed against his hard chest, her face embarrassingly hotter than his cool skin. His chest rumbled as he let out a chuckle.

She put her hands against his chest and attempted to pull away, but his arm wrapped itself around her. She struggled to shove herself away and her efforts were all for nothing; he hadn’t moved an inch.

Perhaps it was foolish to pursue a 200th floor fighter. Where was her older brother to protect her now? He had lectured her beforehand about the dangerous people here and she laughed him off and teased him about being some sort of guard dog. Now, she needed him more than ever. She had never been in a situation like this before.

“No boys allowed, Y/N!” he usually shouted out, a vein practically popping out of his forehead. It almost seemed like he loved saying that as it was repeated over and over throughout her life.

All she wanted to do was explore a place she never ventured to. To seek the thrill that felt so curious and good, yet hidden like the inside of a flower that hasn't bloomed yet. A buzzing heartbeat that formed when she laid alone at night and gently ran her fingers up her skin, leaving a trail of goosebumps and shivers.

Please help me, B/N…

Her struggles came to an end as she huffed, breathlessly. Hisoka’s hand trailed down her shoulders to her waist and to her hips. His hand was met with the pleasant plumpness of her bottom. She squeaked out in shock as his hand roughly squeezed her ass and kneaded it like dough. A loud crack reverated across the room as he slapped it, leaving a red blur behind. She gasped and her face converted into an embarrassed cringe. Frustrated tears pricked in her eyes as her fingernails dug deeply into his skin.

Once again, she attempted to wiggle away. Instead of his arm wrapping around her shoulders once again, she was swept over and under him. He was hovering over her and there was no way to escape. Her previous attempts at fighting back were a failure, and she no longer wanted to fight, only to flee.

Her eyes shot out towards Hisoka’s face only to find him smiling down at her. His warm breath fanning her face and his hips between her thighs.

The glint in his eyes shook her to the core. His facial expression was teasing and playful, but his eyes told a completely different story. She’s seen that look on his face before. The same expression on his face as he killed his opponents. He looked like an apex predator who was about to break the neck of his prey with his jaws.

“You’ve never been fucked before, haven’t you?” he asked, his finger trailing down her cheek, rubbing off a tear she hadn’t noticed fell.

Her face scrunched up at his vulgar language.

“No, I’ve never been f-“ she paused, hesitating before quickly spitting out, “no, ive never been f… fucked before.” Another tear came out of her eye. She never cursed - She wasn’t allowed to.

Hisoka giggled, his smile twisting even further. He looked down at her precious expression and felt his arousal rise.

“You're utterly adorable, you know that? I almost feel a little bad about this. Almost. But you wanted to play, and don’t be a spoiled brat when the other player is better at the game than you.” He mocked, his sardonic gaze on her. It made her want to shrink into the mattress and never come out.

“Now, now,” he said, sitting up, “I’ll make it as comfortable as I can.”

He spread her thighs and examined her high waisted shorts. He grabbed the zipper at the top and unzipped it. Down and down it went, until her underwear was revealed to him.

“After all, the first cut into the cake has to be perfect.”

Her shorts were suddenly off her and on the ground. She was only in her underwear now, more exposed than ever. Most naked she’d been since that time she went to the beach. She’d gotten sunburnt that day. At least then she had a top, now her whole body was on display to him.

Hisoka hummed as he tugged his own bottoms off, revealing the thick length of his cock. His cock looked magnificent combined with the rest of his body. That sexy v-cut of his looked like two arrows directing me to look at his big dick, so large it almost dangled under its own weight. It held its own though, refusing to droop over.

How is that thing going to fit inside of me? she thought.

He spread her legs wide open and examined the thin material of her underwear as the form of her vulva showed through. The flimsy material was practically invisible.

Hisoka’s big hands grabbed her behind her knees, pushing her legs up while also spreading them even further. The bed squeaked out as Hisoka crawled on his knees over to her, placing himself over her.

Hisoka’s claws clenched themselves around her legs, indenting the soft flesh, “You have such a soft, innocent face,” he said, his face hovering over menacingly. “But I know a hungry little whore lies beneath the surface… let me feed that little whore~❤️.”

Hisoka let go of one of her legs and let it fall against the bed. Her loose leg was between his two thighs and her other leg was still being held. The top half of her body was still on the bed. Hisoka’s strength was maintained as he carried half of her body weight into the air.

He’s so strong… of course he is, that’s to be expected of a top floor fighter.

The bed let out a groan as Hisoka pushed himself onto her covered cunt, rubbing his dick between her labia majora. His cock stroked the sensitive heat over and over again, he could feel her hotness tightening and then softening as her pussy throbbed to the beat of her heartbeat. The head of his cock stroked her hard clit over and over again, the little bump riddled with sensitive nerves. Her underwear was sopping as her pussy leaked out sweet nectar. The tip of Hisoka’s cock was also leaking with precum, mixing in with her own sweetness and creating an erotic cocktail.

“Yes, don’t stop,” she begged. “Please don’t stop - I want to cum so bad. Please let me cum, please!”

Hisoka let out a breathy laugh. “If you want to cum so bad, you need to beg for it. Only good girls get to cum. Are you a good girl~?”

“Yes! I’m a good girl! I’m your good girl, Hisoka!”

“Aw, you're so cute when you beg. But I don’t think you're a good girl. No, I think you're a naughty, little slut. Little sluts only get to cum when they're being fucked.”

The sensitive head of Hisoka’s cock pulsated with pleasure as he rubbed it against the soaked underwear. If he kept doing it, he was going to cum way too fast. He couldn’t let that happen. Not before he stretched her virgin pussy with his cock. He’d be damned if he let himself orgasm before biting into her innocence.

His nails dug into her thigh as he pushed himself further into her, making sure there wasn’t an inch of space between their heats. He was going to blow and If he didn’t stop, he wasn’t gonna see that shocked expression of hers when came in her for the first time. The longer he waited, the better.

(Y/N)’s pussy clenched and her breathing sped up. She was going to cum.

I’m going to cum, I’m going to cum, I’m going to cum, I’m going to-

Hisoka pulled back.

“No!” She yelled, kicking her leg in frustration. She let out another yell as her leg didn’t even move an inch in Hisoka’s grip. His grip was too strong. There was no way she could force her way to freedom.

“I was so close!” she shouted, a tear threatening to fall from her eyes. “Why did you stop! I felt so good!”

Hisoka threw his head back and let out a loud, sadistic laugh.

“Haha, you're so cute when you're feisty! I’m glad I’m the first who gets to fuck you.”

He let go of her leg after getting over his giggling attack. She found herself embarrassed as she blew out strings of her own hair out of her own mouth.

As she was pulling strings of hair out of her mouth, she was suddenly pulled back onto the bed by Hisoka’s hands around her hips. She gulped as she saw Hisoka’s face hovering over her crotch.

The part of her underwear that directly covered over her cunt was a darker shade than the rest of her underwear from when they grounded against each other like animals in heat.

She watched nervously as he adjusted his position. She let out a whole body shiver as both of his thumbs opened her lips like a little book.

Hisoka licked the side of her cunt - not directly stimulating her but gently teasing her. While not directly pleasuring her, the motion relaxed her from her last intense session. A little between-the-main-courses snack, if you will.

She sat up on her elbows and watched as Hisoka lapped at both sides of her lips. She felt a swell of affection begin to grow in her chest as she watched Hisoka’s cheek press itself onto the inside of her thigh. She realized how bold she’s gotten since they began to play with each other. In such a short while, Hisoka had corrupted her - denting that once-perfect surface with his perverted nature. To think ten minutes ago she was so shy she could barely even curse. In such a short time, she’d cursed more than she had in a year. A pang of guilt filled her as she thought about how her older brother would react. But he wasn’t here, and he never had to know.

In her own thoughts, she didn’t notice Hisoka’s face twist into a mischievous smile. Her eyes widened in terror as she felt his tongue on her covered asshole.

“Hisoka!” She shouted out.

How can someone be so vulgar?

“Oh, I’m sorry, my Little Slice~. I just love it when your sweet, angelic face turns into one of horror. It turn me on so badly~❤️”

Hisoka only smiled and slid his tongue upwards towards her pussy. He pushed the tip of his tongue against the entrance of her vagina and wiggled it there. If it wasn’t for her underwear, his tongue would have been inside her pussy.

The nerves around her hole were ablaze and her legs were shaking - with fear, excitement or pleasure? Perhaps all three, she did not know. All she wanted was to be pounded by him; she didn’t care how big and thick he was (from what she saw earlier, his cock had to be as thick as her forearm). Though she was unexperienced and naive to the acts of sex, this feeling was primal and indispensable. She needed it, she needed it like a runner needs water.

His tongue dragged itself from her entrance to her clit.

“Yes, yes,” she moaned out and spread her legs wider without an ounce of shame.

It was overwhelming in the best way possible. It was the most electrifying thing she’d ever experienced and she never wanted it to end. She wanted to be there forever - in that limbo of titillation and erotic reality that was unlike anything she could recreate with her imagination.

Hisoka rapidly moved his tongue against her clit. She squealed out loud and attempted to move her hips but his hands grabbed her hips and pushed them to the bed and continued to flick her covered clit with his tongue.

She lifted herself up to her elbows and looked down at him. A hint of fear aroused in her as she made direct eye contact with him. She was so caught up in her own pleasure she didn’t realize how deeply she was looking into his eyes.

As she continued to lock her eyes with his, her pussy began to relax, getting ready to tighten and cum on his tongue. Her heavy breathing paused and she caught that expression in her eyes.

Then her panties were ripped in half and her bare cunt was revealed to him. In a split second, his entire tongue was inside of her.

She screamed as her virgin cunny squeezed itself around his long, wicked tongue. Hisoka laughed out and wiggled his tongue - messaging and caressing her inner walls as she cummed.

The wetness of her aroused cunt seeped out and dripped down to her asshole, to which Hisoka slurped up and continued his assault on her cunny again. He did this over and over again until I couldn’t handle it anymore. My hands tried to push him away but he didn’t even budge. It wasn’t until my legs began to kick out in panic did he pull away.

“Ah, ah,” she panted, body completely limp. Hisoka observed her body. Her soft stomach was gleaming with sweat and the inside of her thighs were also gleaming.

“You might be the sweetest candy I’ve had since I first tried Bungee Gum all those years ago. I knew the moment I popped it into my mouth it would never leave me, marking me with its sweet syrupy taste just like a Scarlet Letter. Would it be a bold thing to say that you're just like Bungee Gum? You get so pink when you're played with. The pink on your cheeks is almost the same shade as my favorite snack.”

Hisoka let out a sudden dramatic sigh that startled (Y/N) for a second. “Unfortunately, the company who used to make Bungee Gum went bankrupt so now I have to search far and wide just to get a taste. Luckily for me, something similar is always nearby for me to stretch and pull at.”

He paused, looking directly into (Y/N)’s eyes with his own yellow ones. “You are, my sweet little slice~”

Hisoka grabbed her ankles and slapped her legs together. The loud smack of her thighs' sudden connection reverated across the room.

Hisoka wrapped his big hand over both of her ankles and grabbed his cock, stroking back the foreskin to reveal the pink, sensitive tip and a pearl of precum forming. He placed the tip of his cock on her clit, rubbing it in little circles before sliding it down her slit until it reached her entrance at the very bottom. He felt tempted to slip it into her ass before deciding it wasn’t worth the screeching. Even though he could easily cover her mouth and sodomize her tight little ass, he couldn’t just jump into completely breaking her; It would be a better idea to slowly lower her into the fire. A slow burn would be ten times more satisfying.

Putting both of my legs onto one side of his shoulders, he used his weight to push his entire cock into her pussy until his ballsack was resting against her ass.

She hissed through her teeth and threw her head back. She was filled with his cock. So full. So, so full.

She was bursting with new sensations. A new type of pain, a new type of pleasure. It was unlike anything she’d ever felt yet so primal and familiar. It was an instinct she never realized she had.

Bending over her with her legs still on her shoulder, Hisoka connected their lips for the first time that night. She could taste her own saltiness on his lips. It wasn’t the type of kiss she’d seen on romance shows (the ones her brother decided were appropriate enough to watch). No, this kiss was the complete opposite of those. This kiss was rough, unlike anything else.

She felt a burst of bravery as she slipped her tongue out and shyly lapped at his bottom lip. Hisoka let out a sardonic chuckle.

“Feeling brave now, are we?”

(Y/N) yelped as Hisoka slid his entire tongue inside her mouth, licking every corner of her mouth. Nothing was left untouched.

After completely violating her mouth with his tongue, Hisoka pulled away, smiling down at her.

“Are you ready?” He whispered. (Y/N) let out a shuddering breath and nodded. She braced herself by meekly grabbing onto the shoulder that didn’t have her legs with one hand, the other gripping onto the sheets.

Hisoka pulled back until only the tip of his cock remained in her, then he slammed into her with great strength. Her breath completely left her body with the slam of his hips. His hips smashing against her buttocks made a filthy sound that made her want to cum. The plop, plop sound that her pussy was also doing things to her.

Hisoka grunted with every hard thrust. She fit him just like a glove. It was almost like she was made for him. While the male penis did not have as many nerve endings as female genitals, a man can augment his sensations and cause it to heighten by being caressed just right. By holding her against himself, fucking her in a salacious dance, the more sensation builds up in his penis just like when a woman’s clitoris is tapped just so…

The friction of his cock pulling on her inner walls before being pushed inside once again left (Y/N) in a concoction of emotions. First, complete and utter pleasure. As he slammed his cock into her, dopamine bursted in her mind like an explosion of drugs. Second, regret. If her brother ever found out, how would he react to his own little sister getting fucked by the murderous Magician, Hisoka? She knew he’d feel like all his work to keep her safe were a waste of time and energy. Like all those years of pampering and protecting went right down the drain. She couldn’t let him find out. And thirdly, a rebellious energy. She was tired of being locked down by her own innocence. She wanted to explore the world. There had to be more to this world than just what she knew. There had to be.

From head to toe, she felt a symphony of pleasure as she came. Her toes clenched until they cramped. But she didn’t care, the pleasure outweighed the pain. Her fingers dug into his shoulder. She was sure there would be a five fingered mark there the next day. It would be a reminder of his clawed reach and her deflowering.

She screeched out as Hisoka went faster, overwhelming her. She hadn’t even gotten over her orgasm before he began to thrust into her twice as hard. She could feel his cock rub itself against the entrance of her womb.

It was primal to push into her beautiful, soft female body and pull back, only to push himself back. He could feel himself building up the height of his pleasure. The more he pumped, the higher the tower built, just ready to topple over and leave a big mess.

He looked at her closer than ever. Watching as her breast bounced and her lips glowed from their mixed saliva. He saw her eyes as she looked up at him, red from crying in complete pleasure. Her appearance increased his desire to come.

“Ahhhh,” he moaned out, feeling his orgasm in his very bones. It was a sensation he was familiar with. After defeating a powerful enemy, he sometimes glowed with the aftertaste of their fight and his victory. This was very similar - yet so different. More intimate, of course. His prey was still alive and he was still inside their body.

(Y/N) closed her eyes in bliss as Hisoka’s cum finally rested inside of her. Her breathing slowed down and the blush on her cheeks faded into softer shades of pink. The sun was coming down. Its orange tones highlighted her sweaty body like a canvas. It almost seemed like she was a freshly painted portrait. Divine Feminine tamed at last.

Both of them laid on their backs, observing the plain ceiling. It was relaxing to lay down after such an exhausting task. All she wanted to do was shut her eyes and rest.

Rest, rest, rest…

My brother! His fight is over!

(Y/N) shot up from the bed, practically tripping over herself as she gathered her things - putting them on. She didn’t even notice her bra was inside-out. More shockingly, she didn’t even notice cum was dripping down her legs.

Hisoka watched amusingly from the sidelines at her scattering around the room.

(Y/N) scanned the room for one final time. She groaned as she saw her wet panties on the bed, right next to Hisoka. She jumped onto the bed and reached for her underwear. As she pulled back, Hisoka grabbed her wrist.

“Tell me, (Y/N), how would your older brother react to hearing about how I ruined his little sister's innocence? How I fucked her and she enjoyed every second of it? I bet he’d try to kill me~.”

(Y/N)’s mouth opened and closed, not a single word leaving her starstruck mouth. Her body was paralyzed with fear. She forgot who she was dealing with in her panic.

“What's the matter? You want to keep our little secret just between us two? Fine. However, come to my room tomorrow at the same time you did today and we’ll have some more fun. If not…”

She didn’t need to ask - She knew. She imagined the consequences in her mind, thinking about the outcome of her moment of weakness.

Hisoka wasn’t done with her; this was just the appetizer.

—-

“Hey, (Y/N), where were you during my fight? I didn’t see you in the crowd at all.”

“Oh, I was just getting some snacks.”

“Ah, alright. Next time just tell me beforehand. I wouldn’t want a stranger taking advantage of my little sister. Right, sis?”

“Haha, yeah…”

#hxh imagines #hxh headcanons #hxh hisoka #hxh x reader #hisoka morrow x reader #hisoka x reader #hisoka morow #hisoka #hisoka imagine #hunter x hunter #hisoka x y/n

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