#but also i feel like everything is a joke. are you kidding me. was that fucking chocolate chicken THAT important to you.
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to have and to hold
pairing: bang chan x female reader
summary: you don't think there's anything chan can do to make you love him more. chan continues to prove you wrong.
word count: 1.4k
warnings: mentions of pregnancy, lots of fluff!!
a/n: sorry it has been so long since i posted! i have been wanting to write this since that ep of return of superman where chan and felix took care of rowoon, it was so so sweet. also i'm so sorry but i did not edit this at all
till death do us part collection | read it on ao3 | masterlist
“Do you think you’d ever want to have kids?”
Your question breaks through the quiet dialogue of the show that you and Chan are watching. Behind you, you feel Chan freeze before he forces himself to relax and continue fiddling with your fingers.
Chan hesitates for a moment longer before answering.
“I don’t know,” he says, slowly and carefully. “I think that I’d want to eventually, but right now? Being an idol- It would be difficult. I mean, for anyone it’s hard, but especially with this career…”
“Do you like children?” you ask, curious even though you can anticipate his answer.
“Yes.” This time he replies immediately, although his voice is still cautious. He releases your hands from his hold and gently nudges your shoulders so that you twist to look at him. “Y/n- Do- Are you-”
“What?” you stare at him, not sure why he suddenly seems so worried.
“Are you pregnant?” he asks gently. “It’s fine if you are! We can totally work things out and I will 100% support you the whole time-”
“Oh!” You smack yourself in the forehead. “No! Definitely not! I was just thinking.”
“Ah.” Chan slumps against the back of the couch, this time he’s actually relaxed. “Just thinking or- what brought this on?”
“I’m sorry,” you say hurriedly. “That must have been out of nowhere for you. No, it’s because my older sister’s wedding anniversary is coming up, the first one since she’s had a kid, so I wanted to let her go out without having to worry. I was wondering if you wanted to help me babysit?”
“I see,” Chan says, sounding relieved. “Your sister. Yes, I haven’t met Doyun yet, right? I’d love to help you take care of him.”
—
Your sister is delighted that you’ve offered to take Doyun for an evening and you quickly coordinate with Chan what day would work best. It’s not possible to babysit on your sister’s actual anniversary due to Chan’s schedules, but your availabilities line up on a Friday night the weekend after.
Chan is nervous leading up to it, which you find absolutely adorable. When you look over his shoulder one night, curious what he’s focusing so intently on, you find him scrolling through articles on interacting with babies as well as tips on baby-proofing an apartment.
Before your sister arrives, you work with Chan for a few hours transforming the open area of your apartment, placing pillows and draping blankets over sharp corners and making sure to keep any small objects out of reach.
When the doorbell rings, Chan panics, popping his head out of the kitchen from where he’s been trying to figure out a way to prevent Doyun from being able to open the cabinets.
“We're not ready!” he says, eyes wide.
“What do you want to do, keep them waiting outside until you finish?” you joke, then pause when it looks like Chan is actually considering it. “Don't worry, I'll go let my sister in and you keep working on that. We'll be watching Doyunnie the whole time, so even if you can't work that out, it's fine.”
Your sister doesn't stay for very long. She hands Doyun off to you and assures both you and Chan that your place looks safe for a baby. After going through everything that is packed in the massive diaper bag that she’s leaving with you, she heads back home to get ready for her dinner.
Doyun has a short attention span and cycles between playing with a stuffed animal, a ball,
some plastic fruits and vegetables, and toy trains within the first hour. He is so adorable that you and Chan don't mind how much energy is required to keep him occupied. Luckily he's a fairly easygoing baby and hasn't fussed at all, although it did take a while for him to warm up to the two of you.
He's comfortable now, especially since Chan has started to spin the two of them around, hands firmly gripping Doyun’s torso. Doyun absolutely loves it, shrieking in excitement with his eyes crinkling. Even after a few minutes of the same thing, he never grows bored, just as thrilled everytime that Chan lifts him above his head. Although Doyun isn’t very heavy yet, after 15 minutes there’s sweat visible on Chan’s forehead and he’s starting to get out of breath.
“How about we take a bit of a break? Do you want to read?” Chan sits Doyun down against some pillows and rummages through the bag that your sister packed, finding some of the books that she included.
Chan hands the books over and although Doyun accepts both of them, he throws them aside and instead clumsily reaches up towards Chan, clearly asking to be picked up again. Chan pretends to groan and complain as he lifts Doyun back up.
“Aww,” you coo. “He really likes you.”
“And I really like him,” Chan says, spinning Doyun around. “I just wish I hadn’t gone to the gym earlier today, I didn’t realise what a workout this would be!”
Eventually Doyun grows tired, no longer begging Chan to continue. This time when Chan settles him on the ground, he just looks around curiously before crawling up to Chan and grabbing at his curls.
“He’s so small,” Chan marvels. “Look at his little fingers!”
He reaches out towards Doyun, who immediately wraps his hand around Chan’s index finger and pulls it towards his mouth.
It's comical to see the difference in size between their hands and Chan visibly melts, allowing Doyun to gum at his fingers, quickly covering them in a sheen of saliva.
“Are you hungry Doyunnie?” Chan asks. “It’s almost time for dinner, let’s see what your auntie prepared for us.”
By the time Doyun is set up in a high chair with a bib on, you’ve finished cooking. Dinner for Doyun is simple, consisting of steamed vegetables, tofu, rolled omelette, rice, and a bit of fruit. You’ve also used the same ingredients plus a few additions to make kimchi stew for you and Chan.
Chan is distracted the whole meal, prioritising feeding Doyun and wiping his face clean in between bites over eating his own food. It's a futile effort since Doyun seems more interested in smearing the food around rather than getting it into his mouth.
When you're finished with your food, you switch spots with Chan and coax Doyun into eating the last few bites he has left while Chan scarfs down his own meal.
After dinner, you carry Doyun into the bathroom and start filling the bathtub with a shallow layer of warm water. He watches with wide eyes as you add bubble bath that changes the colour of the water to a deep blue and creates a thick cover of bubbles. After washing the dishes and wiping down the kitchen, Chan joins the both of you just as you’re rinsing suds out of Doyun’s hair.
Cleaned and dressed in a fuzzy onesie with tiny bear ears poking out from the hood, Doyun struggles to stay awake for the rest of the evening. It’s obvious that he’s tired, he’s starting to get cranky and his blinks get longer and longer, but he stubbornly continues to play. After his third time nodding off while slotting plastic shapes into a cube, Chan picks him up and walks him around the room, rocking him slightly while humming a melody that you can’t recognize.
When your sister comes to pick up Doyun, he's sprawled out on Chan’s chest, deeply asleep. A line of drool drops from his open mouth to form a wet spot on Chan’s shirt, but Chan doesn’t seem to mind, staring at Doyun with stars in his eyes.
That night, right when you're about to fall asleep, Chan speaks up. His arms are wrapped around you and you can feel his breath against the back of your neck.
“I think,” he says quietly. “I think I want kids. Not now, I still have the same concerns as before, but in the future? I want it.”
“You did so well with Doyunnie, it looked so natural,” you agree. “I think you would be a great dad.”
“Only if you’re there by my side,” he corrects.
“There’s nowhere I’d rather be.”
till death do us part collection | read it on ao3 | masterlist
#to have and to hold#till death do us part collection#chahnniesroom#skz fanfic#skz fluff#skz fic#skz x reader#stray kids fluff#stray kids fanfic#stray kids x reader#stray kids x y/n#stray kids x you#stray kids x female reader#bang chan x y/n#bang chan x you#bang chan x reader#bang chan fluff#chan x y/n#chan x reader#chan x you#chan fluff#skz imagines#stray kids#chan#bang chan
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things lost and things found | Lewis Hamilton
part one
word count: 9.2k
warnings: smut, smut, more smut, fluff.
There's no way for a friends-with-benefits agreement to fail when both parties understand the rules.
"Do you ever get tired?"
Lewis turns his head to look at her inquisitively.
"What do you mean by that, Clem?" He chuckles.
Clem turns over onto her side, propping her head up in one hand.
"Do you think about having a life of your own without racing but with a family, a wife, and kids? Do you ever want to go home and stay home?"
Lewis stares Clementine in her dark eyes before he turns and looks back up at the blank ceiling.
"I don't know." He whispered into the air. "I don't have much time to think about things like that, serious relationships and such." He winces as he says the words.
"You're not hurting me, Lew, I know what this arrangement is. I was just curious." Clem chuckled, plopping back onto her back. She pulls the covers up to conceal her bare chest.
They lie in silence again, and Lewis is left to think about what she'd just asked him.
He spent a lot of his time in a serious relationship, and immediately after that ended, he was in his single bachelor phase; somehow, as the years went on, it never ended. That's how he's gotten Clementine in his bed.
Of all the girls he chose to spend his time with, Clementine was easily his favorite. She wasn't artificial or an ass-kisser to him; she was simply herself. And Lewis wasn't used to coming across women like that, given his status and all.
Clementine was actually the complete opposite of every other girl in his rotation. She was younger than him, yes, but she was also smart and had dreams she wanted to achieve on her own. He liked to joke that everything about her screamed old lady. Clementine liked that.
What's cooler than an old lady?
"I'm going to take that as a compliment. I can't wait to get old; there's beauty in knowing you've lived; I know I'm going to spend my life fulfilling my potential. It'd be cool to be an eccentric old lady, just happy and peaceful. Content with life."
It was entirely by chance that he ran into her at all that night two years ago. He had been taking a late-night walk in the streets of New York when he first saw her.
Initially, her style caught his attention, but the closer he got to her, the more noticeable was her smile and then her voice. God, she had the voice of an angel. She had that classic American drawl, so sultry and sweet like she was straight out of the fifties but with a twist.
Then he realizes that he's seen her before, and he stops in his tracks, trying to pinpoint where exactly he'd recognized her gorgeous face from.
"Do I know you?" Lewis questions confidently.
Clem halts, her lips puckering in as she squints at the unfamiliar man. "Sorry, Sir. I don't think so."
She surely doesn't recognize him.
And then it clicks, he snaps. "My photographer, Timothy McGurr!"
"Oh wow," she smiles. "I love Timmy. You said he's your photographer?"
"Yes, for the last four years."
"Wow, four years." She marvels, "You model?"
"No." He laughs, shaking his head, "I race cars."
"Nascar?" She wonders, tilting her head to the side.
"Formula One." He corrects, and she hums, impressed.
"I've heard serious things about you guys over there. Anyhow, it was nice meeting you," she trails off, allowing him to introduce himself.
"Lewis." He sticks his hand out, "Lewis Hamilton."
As she shakes his hand, her phone lights up with a notification just as a black SUV pulls in. "That's me. It was a pleasure meeting you Mr, Hamilton." She smiles kindly, and then she slips into the vehicle and rides off into the night.
Lewis stands there for a second. He doesn't know why, but he feels drawn to her for some reason.
The very next morning, he called his photographer for her details. Lewis has always been rather bold, so he isn't nervous when he dials her number. "Hi, Clementine?"
And the rest was history.
Lewis has learned one specific thing about Clem since their rendezvous began. She was an intense person. She liked to talk about any and everything. Lewis didn't mind it, though. It was nice to unpack with someone he knew wouldn't judge him.
She had a way of making anything she asked feel deep. Lewis was both enamored and intimidated by that.
Just as she was intuitive, she was equally as open. Lewis knew he could always bounce the question back to her, and she'd give him the most well-thought-out and theoretical answer.
He loved listening to her talk just as much as he loved fucking her.
"Do you ever get tired?" He ricochets.
"All of the time, and it's sad because I'm still so young, but I often wonder if any of this is even worth it. Is slaving away so hard going to be worth it in the future if I've spent my glory days basking in trying to find glory."
"I have faith in you, Clem. You're already lightyears ahead of the rest of us with that mind of yours."
She chuckles, and they bask in the comfortable silence for a while longer, both looking up at the ceiling of his New York penthouse like they're staring out into the galaxy.
"Do you feel like you have enough glory?"
"No," he answers honestly, "I won't be content until I reclaim my eighth."
From the corner of his eye, he sees her head lull to the side and stare at him. Lewis doesn't get uncomfortable when Clem stares at him like he does when most people do. The idea of her reading into him is flattering more than unsettling.
"If you weren't a driver, what would you want to be?"
"A designer of all sorts, really. Music, fashion, you name it." He lists off, and she lets out an mhhm sound.
"I can actually see that. You have a very creative mind." She praises.
"What about you? What would Clementine Russell be doing right now if she wasn't an actress?"
She chuckles, "Well, for starters, I wouldn't be naked in your bed. I'd probably be somewhere in the middle of nowhere, like Montana." She gasps, "Yeah, Montana! And I'd have a farm full of animals that I'd never eat, and I'd go out and sit and paint or write more stories that no one would ever see. If I could go back in time, I'd just write my stories, not play in them. I would hike the same mountain every day and watch the sunset. Yeah, I'd sit and watch the sunset every day and admire how beautiful everything becomes. "
For some reason, that statement holds a more significant sentiment than she intended.
"You sure do have a way with words."
"I try."
Silence falls over that pair again until she breaks it.
"Do you think I'm annoying?"
"No, never." Lewis reveals, "I actually like having you here to talk to; why do you ask?"
"Sometimes I feel like I talk too much and ask too many questions."
"I think you make people feel seen when you ask questions the way you do." He hums. "Do people ask you questions?"
"No, not really."
"Do you wish people asked you questions, Clem?"
"Yes."
That's when Lewis realizes that all that glimmers isn't gold. Clementine Walker had the life of a star. She could do anything she wanted at any given time. Yet she wasn't content with her life. She was actually rather lonely.
"I write scripts for myself to act out when I want to talk about something." She chuckles dryly. "That's pathetic."
And suddenly, Lewis feels terrible for not asking the woman more questions. He feels like a shit person for receiving her and giving her nothing in return. Clementine was better than therapy for him; who gave therapy to her?
"What if we lay in bed after every meetup and we just talk? I consider you to be a friend Clem. I like listening to you. I like hearing about you, too."
"Okay."
"We can start now?"
"You first." She has a giddy smile on her face as she turns over to face him.
"Why do you think you feel everything so deeply?"
She hums, her eyes casting downward as she allows the question to ruminate.
"I expect everything to be meaningful. I have a hard time seeing anything objectively. Everything has to mean something to me, and if it doesn't, what's the point? If it has no purpose, how am I supposed to accept it? I feel so deeply because every word, action, and situation has to mean something; there has to be a reason behind it. I've never had someone tell me that things weren't that deep; I wasn't taught to brush things off; I was taught to feel and to try to understand everything and everyone."
"I think that's beautiful. You're such a gracious being, you know that?"
She whispers a quiet thanks as she thinks over what to ask him.
"What's one thing you lost as a kid that you wish you could get back?"
"I had a remote-controlled big Homer car when I was a kid, and I used to drive it in the park every day. I got distracted one day and left without it; when I came back the next day, it was gone."
"Who gave it to you?" Clem inquires, and when Lewis turns onto his side to face her, she looks so intrigued by what he has to say. He doesn't think anyone has ever cared so much for what he has to say if it wasn't involving his career.
"My dad, for my sixth birthday. We were poor, so it meant a lot to me; I really cherished it. Felt like I took it for granted, I loved that car so much, but I left it. How could I forget something that important to me?"
Naturally, Lewis opens up to Clementine.
"You can love something and still lose it, which illustrates how much you adore it in the end. You never really know how much you appreciate something until you no longer have it." Clem enlightens.
Lewis wonders how her brain can process such complex thoughts in mere seconds.
"What have you lost?"
"A letter from my dad." Clem hums. "When he was in prison before things got bad with my mom and he stopped reaching out, I was turning eight, and he sent this beautiful card. It was Clementine orange, and when you opened it, a three-dimensional cake popped out with like a million yellow candles. I remember it saying these candles don't compare to the light you brought to the world on this day many years ago." Clem chuckles as she describes the elaborate birthday card. She picks at Lewis' sheets as she speaks.
He sees her lips pressed together, and she turns to face the ceiling again. She doesn't seem like she intends to keep talking.
"I'm listening, y'know. I'd love to hear more." Under the covers, his hand travels down until it catches hold of Clems.
"I-um, He wrote his message in like really elegant cursive, and I was a kid at the time, so I had my grandpa read it to me over and over, like every day, until I had fully memorized it. I had never seen my dad in person. I had never heard his voice, not even over the phone. I had never even gotten a letter from him before. Still, the things he wrote in that letter were beautiful. I remember feeling a little less lonely as if he loved me unconditionally. There were dried tears embedded in the paper material. I knew he cried as he wrote it, and that made me feel like, damn, this is a man who means what he says, feels exactly what he writes. I don't know when I lost that letter or how I just knew when I went for it again. It was nowhere to be found. I'm forgetting the words he wrote to me."
"Have you heard from him since?"
"Once but not directly. When I turned fifteen, he was released. He felt like he wouldn't know how to be a father when he got out. Which I understood. I can't force anyone to have a relationship with me. It must’ve been hard going in when your child is an infant and coming out to her fully bloomed. He cried on the phone to my grandpa every time he argued with my mom. She'd say nasty things to him, like how he'd never be a father to me and how I was better off. I figured when you're locked in a cell, and all you can think about is going home to your child, it must’ve been hard to hear that you would never account for anything. I believe he gave up. Not everyone is strong enough to take on that kind of mental battle."
Even as Clementine describes how fucking sucky her childhood was, she is still showing grace to the people who ruined her innocence.
"He never asked to speak to me during these calls. My mother always kept him at a distance when he was in prison. If he had written more letters than the one he sent to my grandpa, like he wrote that he did, I never got them. She was good at telling him that she didn't want him in my life. I don't blame her either; neither of them was ready to be parents. I got a call on my eighteenth birthday. It was just breathing on the other side for a while. I had a feeling it was him, so I didn't hang up, but it was a gravely voice on the other end and he sounded a little choked up. Said the exact same line from my birthday card, I'm not sure if you like cake, but eat a lot of it today princess. Happy birthday. And then the call disconnected. Kind of fucked me up a little bit because I think I was just getting to a point where I was finally okay with not having parents."
"I'm sorry." Lewis solaces.
"It's cool, builds character." She jokes dropping her elbow and lying completely on her side.
"I pride you on your gracefulness, truly."
"My grandpa always told me that if you can find grace in failings, life becomes more beautiful. If you can find grace in every situation, eventually, those graces will catch up to you. Everyone deserves to have grace; who am I to hold something above someone else because of how it made me feel? You never know what made someone act the way they did. In the end, it may have affected them more than me, but as long as I'm gracious and I consider these kind of things to be a possibility it makes it easier for me."
Lewis thinks back to all the times he handled situations without grace, when he allowed himself to blow up over small things, and how, in the end, it made situations worse than they needed to be. He internally hums at the realization.
"Shit."
She is shuffling from his bed, sheets clutched tightly against his chest.
She gracefully moves around his room, the sheets fitting her like a gown. Lewis props himself up on one arm, watching her gather her belongings.
When she tosses the sheet back onto the bed, he watches as she pulls on her pants and steals his button-up to throw over her thin tank top.
She sits on the edge of his bed, throwing on her worn Adidas sambas.
"It's been a blast, Sir Hamilton." She bows, and he softly launches a pillow at her. She catches it with a sweet grin and places it at his feet. "I have to be on set early tomorrow. My assistant sent a car for me."
"I'll call you when I'm back in town," he suggests, and she nods, letting out a noise of agreement as she saunters over to his bedroom door.
"Be safe out there on the track." She blows him a kiss, and then she is gone, and he hears his front door close gently.
Lewis likes spending time with Clem. She has a way of taking every ounce of stress from his bones.
Lewis wasn't a relationship kind of guy, and he liked that Clem understood that. She wasn't trying to force a relationship on him or was convinced she could change his mind.
Clem was there for the great sex and the even better conversations. The two of them had made great friends out of each other, and they were both content with the status of their association.
Lewis never told Clementine this, but he liked watching her work. He liked how she could put out art, and he could resonate with it. Lewis thinks that Clem is the most emotionally intelligent person he's ever met, which is why everything she puts her hands on just works.
And it shows. Clementine is the kind of person whose words sound like they're straight from classic literature. She has a way of speaking that instantly captivates every person in her proximity.
Clementine was a Jill of trades. She liked to act, but she was an even better writer. This is why she was awarded co-director of her award-winning show after helping to direct only three episodes. He knew she had a knack for all things creative. She liked to draw, paint, and read, and she had a thing for tattoos just as much as he did.
Clementine was actually so fucking cool.
People loved her naturally; she only had to be herself, and it made people gravitate towards her.
Being around Clem was like having the hands of an angel on you. It was impossible to feel troubled, even if you were going through the most unfortunate or stressful circumstances. If you had Clem, trust you'd feel nirvana.
Her words echo in his mind. I write scripts for myself to act out when I want to talk about something.
He switches on his television and clicks on the Netflix app. It's the first option under his 'continue watching' category, and he presses resume.
Lewis loved her show, though he never admitted it. It was artsy and different than what was new and hot now. Clem channeled all of her favorites to make this show. He remembers her describing her obsession with Jim Carrey and The Truman Show. Her favorite movie of all time was Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind, and her favorite character also shared her name.
He knew that Clementine cried when she read Tuesdays with Morrie, just like she did when she watched Requiem for a Dream. She had an odd obsession with The Joker movie and was even more obsessed with the lore of how each Joker is portrayed differently. She always saw herself in Charlie, from the perks of being a wallflower.
She rewatched What's Eating Gilbert Grape at least once a week. If you asked her, Tim Burton was the best director in the world, and she had a special connection to Edward Scissorhands. She also loved anything with a narrator.
She was right. It makes you feel each character a little bit more to hear their every thought.
He now knows that she likes to narrate her own show because she likes to talk about what she feels. No one asks her how she feels.
Everything that Clem likes is so deep and complex, and it fits her perfectly.
He must admit that he had never heard of any of these shows, movies, or books before meeting Clementine. But seeing how passionately she described them had him desperate to enlighten himself. He sees the inspiration of it all in her show.
Every episode starts with a question. Clem appears facing away from the camera, an oversized Carhartt denim jacket adorning her frame. He sees that she is sitting on a mountain, a camera held to her face, taking pictures of the most scenic view he's ever seen.
Her voice emerges through the speaker, yet her mouth is unmoving.
"You can go anywhere in the world under one condition. You'd have to stay there forever, everything unchanged and nothing new will ever come. Where do you choose?"
The camera is still panned out but moves to the side, where he views her relaxed frame from the side. As the camera zooms in she breaks the fourth wall, turning to face the camera. The sky is oddly vividly blue in the background and the clouds are all weirdly perfect.
"Probably here."
As the sun sets, the sky adorned in perfect warm hues, she sets the camera beside her and folds her hands in her lap. She turns to face the beautiful view, and she looks more content with life than she's ever seen.
Her voice rings through the speaker again as the camera pans out, and her body begins to look smaller and smaller against the vast sky.
"You can still see the sunset even on the darkest of days.”
-
The next time Lewis sees Clem is at her the Cannes movie festival.
She is obviously the lady of the hour, and he's had a hard time catching up with her.
When he finally does see her, his breath hitches as she maneuvers through the crowd and away from the red carpet in a very elaborate gown. She looks like a princess.
Like she can feel his eyes on her, her head turns and she sees Lewis standing amongst a group of other celebrities.
There are three people surrounding her. Zeus, her bodyguard, SK her assistant and finally her publicist Nia.
She approaches him, ready to greet him with a wide grin; Lewis has a grin of his own covering his face as he steps ahead of the group.
"Lewis, Hi!" She pitches, raising her arms to hug him; he happily accepts her embrace, wrapping his own around her frame.
"Can't wait to see you on the big screen." He boosts, and she smiles up at him, ready to reply, when a hand clamps down over her wrist and begins pulling her away, "Sorry, got to keep going, Clem."
She offers him a rushed smile, lifting her dress so that she can exit with speed. Lewis has never once felt like the fan in a situation until it came to Clem.
"So the movie is going to be about cannibalism?" His friend asks, looking through the pamphlet.
"No," Lewis combats. "I mean, yes, but it's deeper than that, the flesh represents..." and he drones on describing the lore of her new movie, Bones and All.
His description is almost word for word the way you described it to him after he asked the same exact question.
"So it's a movie about eating people?"
Clementine laughed, shaking her head, and moved to sit against his headboard. Her skin was still flushed from their previous actions, and her mouth was dry.
"Cannibalism is just the placeholder for many different vices. Everyone has their vices. By using something that damn near everyone looks down on, the symbolism of just how serious these issues are get understood tenfold. Think of it like this, you get mental illness from one parent, and the other denies that you have it. They believe you're perfect, nothing is wrong, but deep inside, there is this illness growing in you and festering out of control that you can't get help for, that won't be accepted."
"Imagine being homosexual, imagine not being able to express that, especially in the eighties; it becomes a bliss you have to satisfy in private. Something you must keep a secret, or something bad will happen to you. Some vices are passed on, like alcoholism or addiction, and even trauma can be passed on, like mental illness; it's about how you have to hide it all, how it catches up to you, and how it ruins you. If you watch it, think about that, Lewis. Think about what each character represents. What is the flesh they're eating?"
Lewis cries during the movie. He sees that he is not the only one as the lights illuminate the cinema, and there are no dry eyes in sight. Lewis would never understand how Clem was able to have such a complex mind and also make it so simple and still artistic to the point where anyone could understand.
Lewis usually hates being forced to attend film festivals. He especially dreads the standing ovations that drag on and on. But he graciously stands for the entire seventeen minutes that her movie receives.
He's always told Clem that, at a certain point, she'd have to let that humbleness go. Lewis was a humble person, there was nothing wrong with it, but he didn't like that Clem thought she didn't deserve praise for her work. He wanted her to know she was the shit.
He feels his heart swell with pride as she marvels at the cheers, whoops, whistles, and applause.
He places his fingers between his lips, letting out a whistle of his own. It dominates the space, and she turns to face him like she knows it is him.
Clementine's grin grows impossibly larger, and she lifts her arm to wave at Lewis. He spreads his arms out in front of him and bows at her.
Clementine chuckles, shaking her head at him.
Although she attends the film festival every year, this was her first time presenting her work as a director. This was a huge deal to her. Not only was she the star actress in the film, but this was hers. Her work, her words, her art, and people loved it and understood.
As two more dreamy minutes pass on and the cinema falls into an air of collective chatter, she folds her hands over her heart and speaks to her fellow costars.
"Holy fucking shit," Timothee curses, "do you understand that we just got a nineteen-minute standing ovation?" He places her head between his hands, pulling it towards him and placing a kiss in her hair. "Fuck, Clem. You're a fucking creative genius, you know that?"
-
When Clementine finally got used to people she realized that she actually does like parties. Here she was being celebrated by people, some she knew, some she didn't all the way in France.
She is in a mansion in France, fresh off the red carpet, throwing back shots with every pat on the back. There is a thrill in being praised, and with each pat on the back or congratulatory kiss on the cheek she gets, she feels herself levitating.
When Clementine first got the idea for the movie, she stayed awake for twenty-four hours, holed up in her bedroom, typing away at her keyboard as she planned and created rough drafts of a proposal.
If you asked Clem, she doesn't think that she's a creative genius like everyone else believes. She thinks that she materializes how she feels into forms of art that people will understand. She doesn't sit and think long and hard or even look for targeted things to express. She just knows.
Clem wanted to write a movie for those she felt had been denying themselves. For the kids confused about their feelings and things they can't control. From alcoholism, sexual identity, mental illness, addiction, and all the way to feeling lonely and navigating life on your own. She wanted to make a movie that materialized how it feels to come of age without understanding the purpose of life. And she'd done it.
Clem wouldn't say she was particularly close to any of the people here at the afterparty, minus Timothee. They had grown very close since filming together.
Clem actually wouldn't say she was close to many people at all other than her small, tight-knit group of friends and, of course, Lewis. Which is ironic because their entire relationship is built on the basis of sex.
She can't lie; when she first met Lewis, she was instantly attracted to him. He had a certain kind of charm about him that just screamed, You're going to respect me.
Clem liked that Lewis stood ten toes behind what he believed, always. She liked that he was genuinely a kind person and not just pretending for the media. What he put out was actually who he was, and Clementine wasn't used to seeing that in the celebrity world.
Lewis fully intended to be friends with Clementine when he called her that first night, but the longer they were in each other’s presence, the more obvious it was to sense the lingering sexual tension between them.
Clem wasn't offended when Lewis admitted that he wanted to sleep with her and keep her around without the formalities of a romantic relationship.
In fact, she was fine with it.
She didn't judge him when he explained how he wasn't a relationship kind of guy. She listened intently when he described how demanding his job was, and she even hummed along in agreement when he concluded that sex can sometimes just be fun.
It'd been two years since she first met Lewis; she was older and more mature. More demanding of herself.
She was learning to let things go as the days passed and let things come when the world felt.
She feels like she's gotten to know herself better, and she owes a lot of that to the nearly 40-year-old driver who has taken the time to unravel parts of her that no one else bothered.
So when she sees Lewis walk through the grand entrance now dressed in a far more casual outfit than the black Louis Vuitton tuxedo that adorned his frame earlier, she can't help the way her smile makes her eyes crinkle.
She rushes from the bar, slipping past the guests, crowding the home, and speeds up the stairs as fast as her heels can take her.
She lets her dress fall at her feet as she tosses on her own less formal outfit and descends the stairs again in search of her friend.
He sees her first, perched on the stairs with a concentrated face, and he chuckles at just how focused she looks. Her eyes are scanning the crowd, and he waits patiently until her eyes catch his.
When they finally meet, he raises his hand in a cool wave, and she grins, skipping down the stairs. He raises his brows when she finally makes it to him after being stopped time and time again by other partygoers.
"Lady of the hour, huh?" He jokes, pulling her into him.
"I don't even know these people," she whispers, smiling softly and offering a wave as a drunken man passes by and calls out her name. She turns back to Lewis with fogged eyes, "Timothee wanted to throw an afterparty, so here we are."
"You have been celebrating?"
"I've taken a few shots or so." She smiles, "Can we get out of here?"
Lewis nods, "Yeah, of course."
His hand travels down and takes her own, leading her from the full house. "Where do you want to go, love?"
"Anywhere is fine; just want to be far away from people." She sighs.
Lewis peers down at her, watching as she scours the long driveway.
He motions her to his car and she slips from his hold already pacing towards it. She hops into the passenger side when she hears the car unlock and he plops down into the drivers seat.
"Why are you here in France? You didn't tell me you'd be here." Clem inquires as Lewis places his phone into her lap so that she can play music. He always preferred her music taste when they rode in the car late at night.
"I wanted to see the movie and support my friend." He smirked.
"You have to be in Monaco tomorrow!" she gasps. " You can't do that, Lew. You need rest. When did you even get here?"
"I touched down today after qualifying."
"No." Clem disapproves, "I could’ve just gotten you tickets to the premier. You must be so tired."
Lewis shakes his head, "M'fine. Besides, I wanted to be one of the first people to see it." Which was a lie because he was totally exhausted.
"Early flight tomorrow, then?" Clem asks.
Lewis only nods, already knowing her eyes are set on him. Frank Ocean begins to play through his speakers, and he hums along to the song playing. It brings upon his next thought.
"I say you posting in the studio?" He eyes, "Let me find out Clemy girl about to be in the booth spitting."
She laughs shaking her head, "not even, I was just there with Tyler. Did record a few vocals for him though."
"Maybe one day you should, I don't know, release something of your own."
Clem scoffs, "I know you think I can do everything. We're not all great at everything."
"It's true, do you think you can do it all, besides I've heard you singing in the shower; sounds nice."
"So you wait outside of the bathroom listening to me, creep."
He smacks his teeth, removing one hand from the wheel to blindly mush her.
"I'm serious, though. I think you have a beautiful voice."
"Thank you. Maybe one day we'll both stop playing in the studio and do something together." She chortles, "So I guess what I'm saying is, I'll do it if you do."
Lewis smirked, nodding his head. "Deal."
Lewis takes her back to his hotel for the night. He smiles as he watches her from the living room. She is on the balcony, arms spread along the banister.
He approaches her. Like she can sense his presence, she speaks up, "Beautiful, isn't it?"
He doesn't bother looking out to the view. He keeps his eyes on her. "Yeah, very beautiful."
Sometime in the night, the two of them ended up entangled in his bed, both on their sides, as Lewis thrust into her from behind. One of his arms is outstretched and serving as a pillow for her neck, and the other is wrapped around her waist, holding onto her hand as he moves deeper and deeper into her warmth.
He knows that when she squeezes around him for that final time, he's as good as done for, sheathing himself as far as he can get; his mouth drops open as he releases himself in heavy spurts. Clem exhales as he finishes, her grip on his hand loosening slightly.
Lewis doesn't bother to remove himself from her core; the arm nestled between the crook of her neck and shoulder bends until his hand is cupping her jaw and forcing her head back towards him, where he is leaning over her shoulder. He smashes his lips against hers in a searing peck, one after the other, until he holds his mouth against hers. She opens her mouth, and their tongues glide against each other in perfect harmony.
Finally, they pull apart to breathe, and Lewis pulls out with a hiss. They both fall onto their backs, his taken arm still resting beneath her head and his free arm holding their conjoined hands against his chest.
"It gets better and better every time." She admits, and Lewis lets out his signature boyish laugh, turning to face Clem. She is taking the time to catch her breath, a happy, satisfied grin covering her face as she stares up at nothing.
It's like a scene from a movie. The curtains flowed gently against the wind, and the night sky of Cannes was illuminated by stars blazing through his open balcony doors. Clem's exquisite side profile is the main focus.
He reaches over, pulls his phone from the nightstand, and slyly takes a picture before dropping his phone beside him and reconnecting their hands.
"I should go," Clem announces with a sigh. "You have an early morning ahead of you."
"You don't have to go." Lewis tested, "It's late."
"It's always late when we're together, Lewis." Clem reminds.
"I- Just stay the night. It doesn't have to be weird. We know what we're doing."
He feels her head turn against his head and knows that she's looking at him with those same endearing eyes. "Okay," she whispers into the air.
"Besides, we haven't talked." Lewis murmurs, and Clem smiles. "Can't break the ritual. You remember when I asked you where you would be if you weren't you, and you said Montana?"
Clem hums in agreement. "Yeah, what about it?"
"Think we should go one day, you and me. See those animals; climb that mountain."
Clem wills back the tears burning behind her eyes. That conversation occurred two months into their arrangement, and two and a half years later, here he was, bringing up small details to a dream she'd told him about briefly.
"What?" Lewis murmurs, watching her grin.
"Nothing, just surprised you remembered that, is all."
"I remember everything you say to me, Clementine."
"I'd love to go to Montana with you," she whispers after a while. "It's the prettiest in spring."
"Well, we'll go next spring then." Lewis declares.
Clem smiles against against his arm, placing a peck there. "Deal, if you're not sick of me by then, we'll climb that mountain in Montana."
Lewis turns back towards the celing hoping she can't tell that her simple actions had his face burning and had his blood rushing.
"You know in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind when they're laying on the ice?"
"Yeah, Clem." Lewis chuckles. "We've watched it a million times."
"That's what it feels like laying here right now with you."
"Thank you." Lewis grins.
"Her hair was blue." Clem points out. "Her hair changed colors to represent their relationship. Why do you think it was blue?"
"They were starting over. Maybe she was still down about erasing him."
"Huh," Clem sighs, "that's a good take."
"Shower?"
"With you?" She wonders.
"If you're okay with that."
"I just let you fuck me into oblivion. Why not let you clean me up."
Much cleaning hadn't gone down in the shower.
clementine
liked by lewishamilton, tchalamet, and 8,898,465 others
clementine the best week, the most perfect week.
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lewishamilton Amazing movie 🙌🏽 such a deep message.
tchalamet And she's done it again people.
badgalriri Such a beautiful film, queen. ❤️
pharell, You're a literal artistic genius; I look forward to working with you in the future.
user Clemmy + Timmy. The duo we didn't know we needed.
-
As Lewis saunters around the hotel room quietly the next morning, he keeps a cautious eye on the girl in his bed. He trips over his discarded shoe as he focuses on not waking her up. He mentally facepalms himself as she begins to stir.
Clem sits up, dazed and groggy; she clutches the sheets to her chest as she peers at Lewis, who looks like a deer caught in headlights.
"Good morning," he winces, "Sorry, I was packing my suitcase back up, didn't mean to wake you."
"It's fine," she rasps, reaching over to grab her phone and checking the time. When she sees that it's seven in the morning, she internally groans but slides her legs off the side of the bed to get ready to pack herself up.
"Woah, hey-" Lewis is by her side in an instant. "Where you going, love?"
Clem pauses, still half asleep she examines him through puffy eyes. "Your flight is at 8:30, right? You're about to head out."
Lewis nods but lifts her legs back onto the bed. "Yeah, but checkout is not until twelve."
When he realizes that she is still glancing at him in confusion, he sits on the bed beside her. "You can stay here, Clem; get some rest before you get on the road. I'll leave the room key with you. Just let them know you're checking out for the king suite."
He laughs as she furrows her brows. "Don't make it weird." he reiterates from last night.
She lets her head fall back against the pillows, more than happy to return to her slumber.
"How long are you going to be in Monaco?"
"About a week."
Clem tried not to think too deeply about his big palm spread over her thigh, his thumb caressing it so tenderly.
"Oh." She mutters, "and then Canada?"
Lewis chuckles, his hand coming up to hold her jaw tenderly, his thumb caressing her cheek. "Look at you," he chuckles, "got my schedule memorized, huh?"
Clem feels the familiar burning in her face as she suppresses her shy smile. "Oh, please." she scoffs. "We've been at this for two years. Of course, I remember the times you begged me to hop on your plane and fly to you so that you could get your rocks off."
Lewis smirks, "Look at that, caught a flight to you this time." And he's bending down and smearing his mouth against hers. He dominates the kiss, his large hand on her jaw keeping her in place for him to use her mouth as he pleases. "Mhmm." he groans pulling away.
"Wanna stay with you here all day, Clem. But I've got a flight to catch."
He is standing and bending over to press one last unexpected peck to her mouth and then her temple before he is at the end of the bed and latching onto his suitcase.
"The keys on the table, okay? Go back to sleep, and order yourself some food for me when you wake up. And text me, okay?"
Clem sits up, still mind-boggled from the kiss, and nods her head.
Lewis smiles, sending her a wave and easing out of the door.
Clementine nearly screams as the door clicks shut, and she hears his footsteps getting farther away.
Casually kissing wasn't a thing between them. Lewis was sweet, yes, but not once has he sat and caressed her and spoken so softly to her. She had never spent the night with him or fell asleep in his arms. And here he was, flipping her entire world upside down and telling her not to make it weird.
It's what she repeats to herself over and over throughout the day as the tender moments with Lewis replay in her head.
He was just being a friend, of course he would show up to support her, right? Of course he wouldn't want her to be on the road late at night or extra early in the morning? And they've kissed before, only during sex but maybe he was wound up in the moment, they were friends with added benefits, did those benefits now include impromptu kisses?
She groans as she checks out from his room and hobbles into the waiting SUV where her assistant waits with her packed bags. "You had a time last night." SK teases as he takes in his boss' disheveled appearance.
"Shut up." Clem grunts, buckling herself in.
SK raises his hands in surrender and then gets back to typing away on his phone. Clem lets her forehead drop against the window as she drives through the beautiful French city.
"Hey, SK?" When he lets out a noise to signal he's listening, she asks him for a favor. "If I asked you to find something for me and get it sent to Monaco, do you think you could get it there before the end of the week?"
SK smacks his teeth, "Girl, please, do you know who you're talking to? I could have it there tomorrow."
"You're the best, SK." she smiles.
"Don't I know it. What is it you need me to get my hands on."
-
Sure enough, the next morning, Lewis is interrupted by a knock on his door as he clips on his jewelry.
He saunters over to the door his pants hung low and shirtless, swinging open the door to reveal the butler that the hotel provided. When his eyes travel south he see's the luxurious gift box in his hands.
"For you, Sir Hamilton. Delivered early today, pre-approved by your assistant."
Lewis thanks the man, motioning for him to hold still for a second as he rushes to retrieve some hefty bills from his wallet.
He pulls the box from his outstretched hand and replaces it with the bills.
When Lewis closes the door and saunters over to the couch, he plops down and sets the box on the coffee table.
He pulls the stock card from underneath the black ribbon and smiles as he reads over it.
thank you for showing up for me, and congrats on yet another win.
- 🍊
He smiles and taps the card against the box a few times before deciding to open it. He lets out a surprised squawk as he lifts the lid and sees a packaged vintage Big Homer super buggy.
Lewis covers his mouth with his hands stuck between letting out a scream that would resemble a child on christmas day or a cry.
Clementine Russell, he thinks, the woman you are.
He pulls out his phone, snaps a picture of the gift, and sends it to her.
-
#lewis hamilton x black fem oc#formula 1#lewis hamilton#lewis hamilton imagine#poc reader#f1#black reader#black reader friendly#black female oc
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A drabble based off Samu's part of this post cuz I miss little haruki
summary: haruki has to hang out with his uncle 'tsumu while his parents are at the hospital
Atsumu and Haruki have been staring each other down since Osamu dropped him off ten minutes ago. Haruki has seen his uncle 'Tsumu many times before, even on TV, but never has his uncle babysat him.
"So kid... what do ya wanna do?" Usually when Atsumu's with his nephew it's under the supervision of you or Osamu. Being completely alone with him is new to both of them.
"Um. I don't know, do ya have any toys?" Your carbon copy asks.
"Nah, I don't play with toys, I'ma grown man." He explains to his nephew. The small child doesn't like that response, "When I'm a grown up I'm gonna play with toys!"
Atsumu ultimately forgets that Haruki is a little boy with childish ideas, so he chuckles at his statement.
"No ya won't, kid."
"Yes I will!"
"No ya won't."
"Yes I wi-"
"Hey! How 'bout we play some volleyball, huh?" The blond athlete realizes there is absolutely no point in fighting with a six year old.
"I hate volleyball, it's boring." A loud gasp escapes Atsumu's lips and he feels like he's been shot right in the chest.
"Yer lying, right? Haha that was pretty funny, made me laugh." He refuses to believe that any nephew or niece of his would hate volleyball. He has to be joking...
"'m serious! Papa took me to a volleyball camp last year 'n I hated it! Everyone was so mean to me 'n they kept telling me I couldn't hold the ball for myself." Well, there's the problem. As a six year old everything is about you, you, you. So, Atsumu assumes Haruki didn't like it because he wasn't the center of attention.
"Let me tell ya a lil' something. I'm gonna go get a volleyball and I'll tell ya this story while we're outside." Haruki's obviously skeptical of what his uncle plans on doing but he'll go along with it for right now.
The little boy sets his Sonic themed backpack down by the front door, when he makes sure all his toys are secure in his bag, he slowly stomps his way to the sliding glass doors that lead to his uncle's backyard.
There's a net that's way too big for Haruki to hit anything over it outside, which immediately discourages him. Atsumu soon returns with a volleyball in his hands, Haruki would assume with all that money his uncle makes he'd have a nicer looking volleyball, but the one he's holding is all beat up and dirty.
"Are ya too poor to get a better ball?" Atsumu doesn't even take it to offense because he knows Haruki is genuinely curious and not trying to be rude.
"Nah, this ball is older than ya are. 's the ball me n yer papa used to use when we were first startin' out." That seems to ignite a new interest in the little boy, well, if his excited gasps were anything to go by.
"I'ma give it to ya so ya'll have somethin' to use when you play." This isn't enough to convince Haruki to play volleyball but Atsumu's not done just yet. He still has to tell him the story, but first they have to set up the small net, so Haruki can hit over it.
Atsumu opens up his shed to find the little beat up box that contained he and Osamu's old volleyball net from their elementary school days.
"Woah! That net is the perfect size for me!" His nephew screeches in excitement.
"Yeah 's also older than ya." The two set up the net and Atsumu teaches Haruki the form to receive. He tosses the small boy a few so he can get used to receiving.
"Okay, so, I wanted to tell ya that, volleyball ain't all about you, but at the same time it is," Haruki doesn't say anything in return. No little kid wants to hear that everything isn't about them.
"I had trouble understandin' that m'self when I was growin' up. I thought- nah I knew I was the shit so I acted prideful 'bout it." His nephew gasps at him saying a bad word, but he doesn't interrupt his story.
"'n I really don't care who likes me and who doesn't. I was like that back then too, so I never really had anyone besides 'Samu to play with. Which was fine when we were young, but in a real game, ya need six people." Haruki nods his head to let his uncle know he's listening.
"I had to realize that volleyball was a team effort 'n I couldn't play the whole game, m'self," He pauses for a second to bump the ball back the Haruki.
"That was also when I started to realize, it really was all about me, 'cause if yer a good setter all yer hitters gotta rely on ya. They need ya to set to 'em." Haruki pauses for a second.
"What if I don't wanna set? I wanna be a hitter like papa was." Atsumu smiles at him.
"It applies to hitters too, if yer a good hitter then yer setter will most likely set to ya the most often, 'cause ya can score." Haruki's eyes light up with a new sense of hope.
"Will you teach me more about volleyball, Uncle 'Tsumu?" Atsumu's earlier dread has completely left his body, his nephew didn't hate volleyball, he hated not being the center of attention, just like Atsumu did.
The two go back into the house when the sun is almost down. Haruki had learned so much from his uncle, and he was excited to show all of it to you and Osamu.
Atsumu goes to call his brother to realize that he had missed 4 calls from him and a few texts with pictures attached.
"Haruki! Hurry up 'n get in here! Yer sister is born!!" Haruki comes running in with his new (old) volleyball.
"Lemme see her!!!" He tries to grab his uncle's phone.
"Be patient, ya little gremlin." Atsumu pulls up the picture and hands his phone to tiny, grubby hands. You look very tired, but a small smile graces your face and you're holding a tiny little bundle in your arms. The next couple of pictures are Osamu holding his daughter too.
"Ew, why is she so wrinkly?" Atsumu tries and fails to hold in a chuckle. His nephew's face is all scrunched up and disgusted.
"'s 'cause she was just born. She's been swimming 'round in yer ma's belly for the past nine months. Kinda like how ya stay in the bath for too long and yer fingers start to get wrinkly." Atsumu explains, Haruki's not convinced, at all.
"Ya looked the same way when ya were born." Haruki shakes his head so fast Atsumu wouldn't be surprised if his head popped off.
"Nuh-uh. I was never wrinkly!" Atsumu is quick to go through his albums to find the one of Haruki's birth.
"Yea ya did, look." Haruki takes a good look at the picture before jumping up in surprise.
"EWWW I WAS WRINKLY!!!!" He starts running around like a crazy animal on the loose, screams leaving his lips.
Atsumu snorts, "We were all wrinkly babies at one point." The setter also learns how rewarding being an uncle is.
©𝐋𝐎𝐖𝐊𝐄𝐘𝐑𝐄𝐌𝐈 All works are written by me! Please do not copy, translate, or upload onto other sites thanks!
#©𝐋𝐎𝐖𝐊𝐄𝐘𝐑𝐄𝐌𝐈#atsumu is def the fun uncle#i think haruki didn't like him at first bc of how samu would talk crap about him (in a sibling way ofc)#and he thought his papa actually hated his brother#now anytime he's with his friends he'll brag abt how his uncle AND dad were on tv#he 100% inherited the annoying big brother trait from his uncle#his little sister will never catch a break lmaoooo#haikyuu#haikyuu!!#haikyuu x reader#osamu miya x reader#osamu#miya osamu x reader#uncle atsumu#atsumu miya#miya twins#miya atsumu#miya osamu#dad!haikyuu#haikyuu characters as dads
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yall wanna know how fucked up my anxiety is about some shit
i scroll past a post that's about a topic i don't like. whatever, it's fine. i scroll past a video that's a topic i don't care about. that's normal.
i scroll past a video that's a topic i don't like or care about but the person presenting it is a person of color? i IMMEDIATELY feel immensely guilty and need to "compensate" by "proving" it wasn't because of race by also skipping other random posts, JUST IN CASE someone thinks I'm racist because I didn't want to watch a video on a topic I didn't like or care about, that happened to be presented by a person of color.
this just in on: the police in my brain are loud and i'm scared of them
#this is also because i grew up in a racist area and in that culture and my own ignorance i also Was Kinda Racist#but like in that way where you don't realize it's racism until you're out of it and now feel so ashamed that you forcefully block all#those memories just so you don't ever have to associate yourself with them ever again?#(mind you I was like. 15-16 and closeted and scared scared scared all the time so I acted like the Crowd and that was awful of me to do)#BUT NOW that i've grown and am learning and have taken classes on anthropology and all kinds of stuff I just feel like I notice my own shit#like TENFOLD now#it's my anxiety overthinking thing plus if anybody ever knows I could have done anything SLIGHTLY problematic the world will explode#plus my constant paranoia that someone is always watching me and just Knows that I'm Secretly a Bad Person (even though I don't think I am?#also I feel like I need to clarify that the kind of racism in my town wasn't like. klan shit. it was like very hidden racism?#it was like. kids casually doing black accents and making jokes with racist undertones. the kind of racism where race was always#the butt of the joke instead of an outright HATED thing. and I think that's why it was so hard to unlearn#it's like that thing where in order to stop wanting to kill yourself you have to stop joking about wanting to kill yourself#this has become a vent post accidentally i'm so sorry#this is just. one of my Major anxieties that engulfs me every day because of 1) anxiety 2) potential OCD 3) being a bad person in my past#this is another reason I fucking hate florida#because I just know if I had grown up in my home town in MI I would not have been raised in that environment#and it's my own fucking fault for falling into the crowd like that.#all this to say i traumatized myself and likely some people around me by being A Fucking Idiot when I was a kid#and now adult me is doing everything in their power to not ever be that person ever fucking again#tw vent post#tw racism#tw past racism#but im better now and I know my mistakes and I refuse to make them again#fuck florida for every fucking reason under the sun
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#this girl was joking about another girl in my batch fasting on karvachauth for her boyfriend and it was the light jokes so it was okay#but then she said why is she doing it her caste is completely different from his her parents would kill her#and that how college relationships are only for time being until you're in college and you're there for each other's support#and that nothing in college couples is that serious and they may turn out just good friends in future#and there's no reason to worship your love because it's just 'casual'??!!#ive so many feelings and a little heartbreak#ive already tried thinking about future but you know it 2ould just spiral me and thinking tha ahead doesn't make sense know#logically speaking she's right that we can go through SO MANY changes during the college years and no one knows anything ahead#but idk like i love him its not just oh im in college and ive got a boyfriend to get my nights busier and go on silly pretend dates#i didn't date anyone for nineteen years because i just wouldn't date anyone#its just surprising me as well how i came here so clueless and how everything led to each other and then into us#and i don't say stuff like marriage and kids because that's too huge. just too huge right now to think off#and that's also a way of keeping myself humble#and i would love love love to think about a future too not just yet it's too quick and im okay understanding everything rather than diving#but what she said. is so um its messing with my brain#ofc im not letting it over weigh me not at least from a person who's with multiple seniors#sends all her money to her so called youtuber bf#and goes to private places with some other guy#who's in everything for casual#but i don't know what im supposed to do with it right now#playing around my head#or maybe i should just trust the process
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#hii.. im still not really here a lot re kpop its just not really like the most important thing in my life rn lol#but uh i guess my dog's passing is something i gotta deal on my own entirely. my mom seems pretty much over it without really taking me int#account at all. today shes even sorta like. making odd comments/jokes about it like 'i talk to toto sometimes' because we say this#weird lady on tv talking ab how she talks to deer heads. and i just stared at my mom like deadpan and just looked away#bc what the fuck. and ofc she wouldnt consider its not an ok thing to say . otherwise shes really like trying to make out that im being a#really good kid and taking care of her and her feelings bc shes inventing things in her head about me being extra nice and careful with her#shes like awww youre taking care of me <3 and im like no im actually treating you like you're a total stranger in my house because you#basically are. and anyway. im basically on my own like i always am. i just have to deal with it all alone. as always. which is like fine#its just im extra lonely and alone so <3 ive also been suicidal and really really on the edge. that's your alex update if anyone cares#to be completely honest it's been taking everything in me not to just od right now its all i can think about and i havent felt like it in#years. ive just been sleeping for 12 hours at a time lmao........ anyway yeah thats it?#mrow.org
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I wish I could inject pasilyo into my brain so I can have permanent happiness
#There’s this specific part of the song#It srsly alters my brain chemistry#Anyways#i hate tumblr sm#Idk like I Gen hate being on here sm#No matter what account I make no matter if I tell ppl about it whether I don’t tell ppl I just hate this place soooo much#Like if I have a following it sucks because it’s rlly lonely if I don’t it’s still lonely and then if there’s nobody at all it’s lonely#Loneliness is what got me to discord boy so like :D#The fact I am genuinely missing him sm I’m gonna krill myself 😻🙏#Also I think I hate talking to minors cause these kids be letting themselves get groomed all the time I’m so tired of seeing it#The creep in my course is being so weird to Raisa who is a minor … I can’t help but think it’s all my fault … I invited her to the pharm gc#To show her how messy it was ….#I didn’t expect her to follow and accept requests of everyone …#Anyways I just am so annoyed. Like I wish I could have one person just one where I can be confident in being their no.1 but every time I th#Think I’m maybe somewhere high up on someone’s list of important ppl I realise I overestimated my position even tho I’m rlly self conscious#And being myself down over that. Also I still hate Eid. I hate Eid sm. How do ppl genuinely enjoy Eid. Idk if I’ve ever been excited for Ei#It’s like I’m just suddenly getting more sick of ppl by the day. I Gen don’t like talking to ppl at all even tho I used to rely on talking#To others like its sustenance now it’s just such a hassle to me because I’m so sick of being unimportant to literally every single person I#Have ever known. Literally everyone except maybe dahlia idk. the only person who has never gotten mad/snapped at me o is dahlia#And knowing my luck that will soon be taken from me too. Anyways good riddance to tumblr i loathe this site and im sick of the mind games#All the time from just existing on here. Gen makes me feel ill. I’m so sick of that girl I like and sick of everyone. The only time ppl car#Is when I cause a scene. And ykw atp I loathe being showed sympathy and pity for these sorts of posts because it just feels like a big joke#Cause why couldn’t you just care when I was fine. Why do you ONLY care when I’ve had enough of your bad behaviour. How does one make someon#Like me go mad with all these things#Istg if I come back to this dumb site whether to this acc to the tora one or my other account everyone has permission to beat me up.#dora daily#Tldr;I HATE ppl and everyone ever + I’m just sick of pretending like everyone doesn’t suck cause how can ppl be so insufferable intolerable#Insane horrible in every way and ppl like them. How do they live with themselves when they’re this aggravating. Every day I hate ppl more#Because their mannerisms their everything is just so embarrassing.#Essay tags 😻😻😻
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i both live in a constant state of wanting to be older and get outta this house and do my own things and live my life. and also a state of feeling like there’s no happiness after highschool and i’ll only have work and responsibilities and no time for fun
#i think it’s because of my mom honestly#she has 4 kids and is antisocial like me and just. also complains about how hard her life is#and it is hard but like. now i’m just worried if i’m ever gonna be happy el oh el#every opportunity i kiss out on feels like a pinch to the guy because it feels like#if i don’t do everything RIGYT NOW i’ll never be able to do it again#and then life ends after highschool and i’m unhappy forever#fuck me i really need therapy#my mom my mom also jokes ‘when your an adult you can tell ur therapist how much i traumatized u lol’#and like!!! girl i need therapy now idek if i have depression bc i fucking might!!!!!#vent#tbd
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hm. i've been quiet abt it bc i don't really like being negative on here but honestly the new furby design is. disappointing idk. absolutely nothing against people who like it ofc, and there are def some cute aspects. but it sucks to see that the design is so far removed from original furbies and just doesn't have the same charm idk. the connect was already straying pretty far but honestly i kinda like connects bc the shapes are cute but. idk the 2023 furbs just seem like they're trying to hard to be cutesy and it just feels sort of forced?? if it appeals to kids and young people get to enjoy it that's awesome and honestly that's kind of the point. but i do get why people are unhappy with it. like in regards certain aspects like the eyes the fixed beak & the way it's like. super difficult to take apart bc of the clips and stuff. i can totally see why a lot of customizers especially aren't happy with it. i'm sure lots of people have said the exact same stuff but yeah overall i feel like. relatively neutral to the whole thing idk it's nice to see furbies being produced and sold again and yeah it is cute but i get why people aren't loving it. that said ofc there are people who do love it and that's totally okay. regardless if you love it or hate it what's not okay is people within the community being rude to each other based on whether they like it or not cmon. it's not for everyone but if people do like it that's their business and there's no need to be rude!!! but on the other hand if people have complaints about it they should be allowed to voice that as long as they're not being mean yknow. letting it cause a rift in the community is silly. but anyways
#sorry for the super long post#but yeah these are just some thoughts abt it. idk personally i don't love it it's not for me#but i can acknowledge that other people and kids especially are enjoying it and that's good!!!#i hate being negative on here so i wasn't even gonna voice my opinion on it. but like#i personally do not really like booms n 2012s to be honest. the like digital eye thing and everything idk it's not for me#connects too they're just. not my fave. but honestly they're aesthetically very nice i think?? just not the bluetooth aspect and fart jokes#but idk it does feel like with each new model it gets further and further from the originals and ik ik that's what a redesign IS but#i do kinda wish they went back in the other direction a little idk. there's a reason why 1998s and 2005s are the most popular models#and i truly don't think it's bc they're considered retro or whatever i think it's bc they're a little out there and very unlike other toys#and the whole cutesy rainbow thing is. i totally get why some people love it!!! but you can't rlly deny that it's not really unique#but. idk. i do get both sides of the argument. personally i would have loved smth a little more adjacent to 1998s#that said. a lot of ppl do find 98s creepy and weird so from a sales perspective i get why they might not be. marketable#bc i guess a lot of kids might find them offputting#also correct me if i'm wrong but i think the 2023s have painted on eyes?? which. Don't Like.#didn't love the digital eyes either bc i keep the batteries out so they're just blank for me which is kinda boring#and i don't love the digitization of everything like 😭 idk. so i'm kinda glad they moved away from that#but if they're painted/printed idkkkk. i'm an eyechip girly i think they're great honestly#they're just nice to work with for customizing especially. also keep in mind w my opinions i primarily am a customizer so#i do kinda view it from that perspective#ANYWAY feel free to rb or comment or whatever and lmk ur thoughts. i genuinely do not want to get on here and be negative#or say anything that would upset anyone bc i imagine some anti 2023 furb ppl have probably been pretty nasty#honestly i haven't been online much at all so idk but i can imagine 😭 i ain't wanna come on here and be like BOOOO I HATE IT#i don't hate it tbh i just don't love it yk. but i'm not gonna shit on people who do love it
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having did and being online in any capacity is so fucking exhausting because you literally can't go anywhere without seeing the most heinous takes about your existence or validity it's like. can we be normal. can we please be normal and Chill for like two seconds.
#HEADS UP: this accidentally turned into a huge rant/vent feel free to get the hell out el oh el#i try reallly hard not to talk about it too much here because you can. offhandedly mention the mere concept of did or osdd or any#dissociative disorder and its like. people will not shut up about how its not real or how its people being delusional or kids being cringe#like. can we go. two seconds without treating people with mental disorders like a spectacle. please. you dont have to have a ''take'' on it#idk and i also avoid online did communities bc theyre the most exhausting spaces you can ever be in and theres constant fighting about#literally anything and everything. like. maybe i would like to find a space to meet other people with similar experiences to my own.#and we dont get that!! we literally cannot get that. and this goes for a lot of mental health related stuff but like my god#and im very lucky to have other people i know in real life who also have did so i can in some amount have that support system (hah.)#but it is EXHAUSTINGG that people cannot go literally a day without saying something stupid about systems#or i can be following someone for years and unprompted they will saysomething heinous thing about did and hide it behind something like#get a load of how weird and cringey kids are getting online these days.#and CHRISTT thats a whole OTHER issue i REALLY dont wanna talk about because it has its own whole set of nuances but like jeeeesus#is it really so hard for people to grasp that brains when exposed to traumas at a young age will be affected by it in weird ways.#idk man ive been seeing a lot of offhanded disregard for systems recently and it's so normalized and it's starting to get to me i guess#i wish people could just go well this is something i dont understand and dont need to have an opinion on and move on with their lives.#what the hell ever this is all to say having did has impacted my life in a lot of complicated and intricate and hard to explain ways and it#sometimes painful and awful but other times is an incredible experience and ALSO. most IMPORTANTLY !#i should be able to make jokes about BEING FRIENDS with SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG!! in REAL LIFE!!!#and not have to deal with SUICIDE BAIT IN MY INBOXX BECAUSE OF IT!!!#WHATEVERRR !!! RANT OVARRR I HAVE NOODLES TO MAKE AND EAT#.... WITH my friend SHADOW!!!#.txt#and btw this isnt about anyone ik here so dont worry im not upset with any mutuals etc etc and all that.#in fact i love getting the chance to chat about it n it can be fun to teach stuff to people who know how to like...be normal about it LOL#<3
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nothing pisses me off more than how figure skating reporters/news will constantly and intentionally leave out important details of stories in order to produce ragebait for people who don’t know anything about figure skating
#like i’m sorry but surya bonaly is NOT the hill you want to die on.#they banned backflips BEFORE SHE WAS EVEN COMPETING because guess what!#USFSA/ISU doesn’t want to deal with skaters breaking their fucking necks and dying on live tv!#or make young skaters feel like they Have To Learn how to do it and then fucking dying because of how INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS it is.#dont get me wrong figure skating is conservative and racist as fuck and surya bonaly faced some pretty horrific racism in her career#but banning the backflip had absolutely nothing to do with her and everything to do about not having skaters fucking die#also i’m not sorry but her edgework fucking sucked. like her jumps were incredible i can’t lie but her edges were. painful to watch at best#see also: everything regarding the sambo 70 and eteri#i am so sick and fucking tired of seeing people who don’t skate just hype up these incredible abused teenagers and hail them like gods#they don’t need fame they need HELP and eteri needs to be in fucking JAIL for what she’s done to SO MANY KIDS#i hope this sport gets more boring!! i hope i see less quads and less teenagers!!#what i want to see is competitive skaters who are still able to skate when they’re 25+ because their training was healthy and genuine#i want to see good technique and clean lutz edges and no full blade assistance on toe jumps bc thats what will save your joints#i want to see skaters with muscle and fat who have healthy relationships w/ food and their bodies and are stronger for it#this sport is so fucked. it’s a joke. i love skating but i wish i never had to interact with the community around it#ESPECIALLY those who have never gone through the sport themselves. stop getting off on abused children and start advocating for SAFETY#rosie speaks
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ok i gave myself 48 hours of no hating bc it was that thing’s bday but i gotta say it now. i honestly hate like 95% of ragbros content it’s so overwhelmingly extremely basic and shallow ‘sibling’ content made by people who seem to be unable to conceive of sibling relationships that don’t fit the cookie cutter ideas that r most palatable to fandom it’s boring it’s so so boring to me !!!
#x#gi posting#THIS IS NOT KA*LUC you people can die. kill yourselves#i don’t know how to explain it but it also overwhelmingly centers diluc’s feelings and perspective on EVERYTHING it’s so so lame. get back#to me when we can come up with compelling dynamics the brothers could’ve had between themselves AND their father that doesn’t solely revolve#around everything coming to a head the day of diluc’s bday w kaeya revealing his secret#i’ve talked abt this before but i loveee the concept of there already being resentment of some sort even during their teen years bc of#how differently crepus treated them. of the differences of how their expectations weighed on them. on being as ‘close as twins’ but still#bring vastly different people internally.#i want bratty little self centred kids who loved each other but were never the best communicators. LIKE. just! complications!! yes petty#sibling squabbling and other Siblings In Media staples are to be expected but when those kinds of punch lines n jokes#r 90% of the content for them i get so bored. i’m SO bored
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thinking unhappy thoughts at 1 am except these can’t even be categorized into the “no feelings past 4pm in winter are real” bc it wasn’t inherently a negative thought it was a positive thought which upon saying aloud sounded really fucking sad
#i was thinking about how nice it was to meet someone i met this past week#and how great it felt and how i felt like we clicked so instantly#and then i was like#‘huh wonder why most social interactions feel this good to me?’#and then i realized the difference was that this person actively introduced themselves to me and started conversation#as opposed to just about 90% of the social interactions i partake in which involve me sitting alone and being ignored#until i stand up and try and butt into some of my friends conversations in some way#anyways just thinking about how very few people seem to want to interact with me#nothing like real world experiences feeding into the deep-seeded belief i have that i’m inherently unloveable#and also that i’m inherently annoying but everyone is just too nice to tell me#i am not joking when i say i genuinely have trauma from being a neurodivergent person in the midwest#going from a life of ‘if people don’t like me they will tell me’ to ‘everyone seems to not like me but won’t say anything’#as a child was a traumatic experience and created intense feelings of inadequacy and trust issues#which i was already really vulnerable to bc i was emotionally abused as a kid#so combine having a dad who says everything you do is wrong no matter how hard you try#with friends who refuse to say what you’re doing wrong but will hold grudges against it and will be mad at you for it#but every time you ask them they say ‘no we’re not mad!’#plus literally like a decade of me trying to make friends in this fucking hellhole of a town and getting basically nothing but laughed at#and you can see why having a good social interaction for once is actually really fucking upsetting#because HOLY SHIT is that what life is SUPPOSED TO BE??#you’re telling me most interactions i have with people make me feel bad not bc i have social anxiety but because i’m giving it 110%#and i’m getting back maybe 10%???#anyways it’s wishing i didn’t live in this shithole place with these shitty people hours#and wishing the world was fucking nicer to me when i was a kid bc it was so rough for 13 year old me for no goddamn reason#every day is another day of realizing i literally didn’t have a time in my life when things weren’t falling apart#until i was literally 17#kristen
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i need hot men to follow if your a hot man pls tell me so i can thirst i mean follow
#im not kidding#like this is a joke but im 100% serious#if you're a bit husky and have pretty eyes and like horror movies hmu#but like#only if you're a gentleman be real#i wanna be friends and also admire you respectfully but also pls hug me so tight i feel like i cant breathe#and if i moan..no i didnt#genuinely though im tired of waiting and i want a boyfriend and i dont know how to find one irl#id prefer irl but i live in Ontario and good lord there is not hot men this far south#i mean theres some but theyre all in their 40s and have kids#and like dont get me wrong.....if he didnt have kids i might just go for it hes kinda a himbo#but seriously im kinda cute and i have nice hair#im small so im good for cuddles and ill go on any adventures you're willing to take me on i dont want a lot#just someome i can treat well and know will always choose me and fight for me and not mind if i need a little#extra support soemtimes#id give you the world and if you help me get out of this god damn basement ill bake for you youll literally never be hungry ever if you#date me also i can mend your clothes and make sure you always have a scarf and gloves#im not perfect im far from the best but youd never want for affection in my presence#id give you everything i am and more if id just be loved back and maybe sometimes surprised with flowers or an outting#even if that outing it to get fudge or fancy cake i dont know how to make#id love for someone to go to the fabric store and thrift shops with me but you dont have to..only once in a while#youd never be touch starved#just...you have to be the Right person and ive never met my right person nor has a decent person ever shown me effort#someone did once and it felt amazing but he was a spineless tool#i just want someone with a good heart and kindness in their hands and a storm in their soul big enough to handle my fire#and would be so so in love with me#ive felt love i know its real and amazing but no ones ever loved me and im done with it i just want to be happy with my person#even if that person is long distance at least we could dream together#for the love of god before Christmas too i hate the holiday so much but i dont want to be single again this year#winter is so pretty and perfect for sweet dates so please to my person whoever you are with the seaglass eyes
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#before i go i just like to say something about that poor kid from heartstopper being forced to come out to the twitter crowd#first of all this just proves a point how toxic the bird app is and i hope it doesn't die because if those people come here.....#also something something this aligns so well with these terminally online teeangers who have everything about them in their bios#and find you suspicious if you don't. constant surveillance over one another because if you don't have everything public then that means#you have something to hide. like this is a pattern and given the audience of that show are mostly teens and early 20s.... this just fits#and the fact that some of these idiots celebrated after they bullied him to come out because yay bi guy plays a bi charcater#this is insane and also disgusting please get help#there is this post going around with the tweet screen how real people can't queerbait#and i see people being like hahahha misha did queerbait tho and it was extremely funny when he had to come out as straight#and. being in this fandom for years. and the fact that he said it in a private m&g. and the fact stands called him a queer man#and the fact he backtracked only after TWO DAYS. like this thing is still very.... well it makes me uncomfortable because i still think#he might have had to backtrack for some reason. idk it just makes me feel weird because laughing at this situation feels wrong#but idk idk and like i don't have to know and i dont want to speculate. i just think both of these situations must have been horrible#but one of them is turned into a joke......#also i know nothing about harry styles but accusing taylor swift of queerbaiting. WHERE#don't project your sexuality (or your anything) onto celebrities like they are fictional characters........#anyway....... i had to get it out lol.
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the midnights tracklist is fucking insane
#I FEEL LIKE SHE IS PURPOSEFULLY RUINING MY LIFE BECAUSE WHWG#she's giving us everything and i am not (and never will be) prepared for it#what does she mean lavender haze and you're on your own kid (fucked up and insane that she would give me that title with zero context#and expect me to be like slay thats so cute * insert tongue sticking out emoji here * BITCH NO#I HAVE BEEN GOING INSANE OVER THAT TITLE SINCE I FIRST SAW IT BECAUSE NOT ONLY IS IT A TRAXK 5 BUT ITS ALSO CALLED THAT?????#im going so crazy over this dont even#and then you have midnight rain which is the closest we have to a track title and the most taylor swift-taylor swift song title ever#SNOW ON THE BEACH WITH LANA DEL FUCKING RAY#literally stop it shut up i cant even#Bejeweled hhas me so fucked up i cant even deal with it#ANTI-HERO BEING ONE OF THE MOST PERSONAL SONGS SHE'S EVER WRITTEN AND IT DELVES INTO HER INSECURITIES#STOP IT I AM GOING INSANE AND CRAZY I CANT EVEN DO IT#question...? is so true because thats all ive been doing since she started mmwm#vigilante shit had me actually on the floor because taylor swift is re-entering her reputation era and i love that for her#i hope she kills people in that song and i hope she does it so unapologetically#mastermind is giving us literally everything whilst simultaneously being the title i cant predict at all#is she the mastermind? is it somebody else? is it a metephor? the question...? keep me up at night but like fr#maroon and laybrinth are gonna do things to me and i can tell i will either be shaking my ass or crying like my life depends on it#SWEET NOTHING IS GOING TO KILL ME LIKE ACTUALLY IM NOT EVEN JOKING#ive not even heard it yet but i can tell from that title that it is going to be THAT song#i bullied people who thought karma was reL but apparently you guys were right so i take it all back you guys are actually geniuses#taylors nation hinted on twt that it might be the lead single and i hope to god we get it soon#because i need to have a clue about what this album sounds like I would die to know what this album sounds like you dont understand#taylor swift#midnights#midnights tracklist
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