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healingpuppys · 5 months

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How to cope with a trauma anniversary!

for some slight context, today is a very awful day for us, we have many trauma anniversaries, and though they seem to never get better throughout the years we have found a way to cope with some things!

Waking up

waking up the morning of a trauma anniversary can feel jarring, and sometimes at first you don’t realize it’s a trauma day, it’s different for everyone when they may realize! sometimes you can wake up and your body feels heavier, you may feel fuzzy, and gross; although these feelings are awful it’s very important to ground yourself, it’s ok to let yourself feel those feelings but don’t let it overcome you and cause you to spiral. A few grounding tips we have are:

find a comfort item, it can be anything! just something that brings you joy and comfort.

play a song or video that helps you calm down, focus on the beat and try to tap your fingers along with it

wrap yourself in a big blanket, for us personally it gives us a sense of safety when we most need it and it can be you’re safe space

these are just a few and of course there are plenty more you can use!

Flashbacks

Flashbacks are again a horrible and very painful experience. We also have things called ptsd induced hallucinations, where sometimes a flashback can trigger hallucinations and make life in the moment so much worse. if you experience these as well we have a few tips! even if you don’t experience these you can still use the tips!

reality check your self but not in a negative way, say things like “nothing can hurt me in this moment” “i am safe” etc.

distractions!! I know some people say “distractions won’t help you process through things” no, and a lot of people on a day like this don’t want or need to process anything, we are put in the mindset of trauma responses and are simply trying to survive the day, it’s important to have things that can ease our mind in those moments

comfort food, comfort food or drinks can always help and bring you away from a certain memory into another

calming or nice smells, candles or anything that has a nice sent can help distract the mind and sometimes put you in a different mind set

Eating

eating or getting hungry can be a struggle, for some they feel nauseous or sick at times during the day, which is completely normal! It is important to try to eat, and again if you can’t that’s completely ok there’s no need to feel shame in it just remember to hydrate and eat when you feel better! some tips to help one feel hungry or eat

Comfort food again!! comfort food can bring one out of a memory sometimes and into a happier or calmer one! and who doesn’t love comfort food!!

watching people cooking! it can sometimes be helpful for someone to regain hunger by watching others cook and plate some delicious looking food

Sleeping

sleeping can be hard on these days, for us we don’t get much sleep the night of our trauma date, but trust me it’ll make you feel much better.

Water/rain/forrest/wind sounds, they can be very calming and helpful to sleep, for us the forrest is one of our favorite places to be so we can sleep very soundly with noises of the forrest

youtube videos, something calming or funny as background noise can help someone’s mind relax enough to fall asleep

melatonin/prescribed sleeping meds, for some simple distractions won’t be enough so if you’re able we recommend taking something that can help you sleep

breathing/meditation! meditating is known to relax your body and mind also helping you clear tension built up in your body, we highly recommend this strategy!

though some of these things may not be helpful for some we hope to give people ideas and what personally helps us! remember lovely’s you’re valid, you’re strong, and you are all amazing! please remember to stay safe!!

#age regression #pet regressor #petre blog #sfw agere #age regressor #pet regression #petre #animals #autistic stimming #trauma healing #healing #recovery #coping #coping strategies #trauma anniversary

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canary3d-obsessed · 2 years

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Restless Rewatch: The Untamed, Episode 33 part two

(Masterpost) (Pinboard)

Warning! Spoilers for All 50 Episodes!

Side Note: As you know, I mostly except for sex scenes try not to compare CQL to its parent work, MDZS, because I think different works should get to be their own things. But I do love the book and all its many adaptations, and in case you want to dive into all of that, I’ve put together a roundup of everything I’m aware of (Novel, Donghua, Manhua, etc.) that’s available in English, and where to find them. That post is over here.

Morning in Cloud Recesses

It’s morning, and by the time Wei Wuxian gets out of bed, Lan Wangji has already stretched, made breakfast, folded the laundry, and gone to play his guqin by the waterfall.

Wei Wuxian steps outside and takes a deep breath, happy to be staying in a place that doesn’t smell like lava or corpses.

He wanders through the oddly empty cloud recesses, hallucinating about happier times. These are not normal flashbacks; he is in the frame, watching, while things happen in the past.

Eh, that’s ok, he’s been through a lot. Hallucinations aren’t uncommon with PTSD.

At each memory, he smiles warmly, until the present day catches up and his mood crashes back down.

This repeats until he reaches the library, where he remembers (in a normal desaturated flashback) showing porn to Lan Wangji and how mad he got. A bit of a smile stays with him after that.

(more after the cut!)

Bunny Kisses

Then he finds the rabbits, two of whom cheer him up by smooching, like he wishes he and Lan Wangji would do.

As a stand-in for a human kissing scene, this is cute, as long as we anthropomorphize them so that their sniffing of each others faces counts as kissing. It’s definitely better than watching those birds from The Long Ballad.

(I adore The Long Ballad and have watched it three times so far, and that is three times more than I ever needed to see a bird’s tongue)

Return of the Bathing Beauty Trope

Then Wei Wuxian finds Lan Wangji in the cold spring. Let’s compare this encounter to the previous time they met each other here, so many years ago.

Then: Baby Wei Wuxian sees Lan Wangji and *sprints* down the stairs to be near him, even though they don’t really get along yet.

He’s completely delighted to see him, not at all deterred by the unfriendly reception.

Now: Grown up Wei Wuxian reacts with with a fond smile, similar to the way he’s reacted to all the memories he’s been replaying.

The smile fades, and he approaches with absolutely none of the exuberance of his youth.

He just has...no joy. Not in living, not in being around Lan Wangji. But he’s sought him out as unerringly as he did in his youth, all the same.

Then: Baby Lan Wangji realizes Wei Wuxian is approaching, takes a millisecond to consider the situation, and immediately goes to put clothes on. He’s fully covered by the time Wei Wuxian reaches the shore.

Now: Grown-up Lan Wangji sees Wei Wuxian, and just...sits there...while Wei Wuxian looks at him. He’s got his hair pulled over his shoulder so his back is on display, too.

Lan Wangji is never going to tell Wei Wuxian about his scars, but I think he wants him to see, to understand that Things Have Happened in his own life while Wei Wuxian was gone. Talking isn’t really his thing, so he’s showing him instead.

(These unobtrusive scars, incidentally, are what happens when a character is extremely scarred but is being portrayed by a half-naked Wang Yibo. The producers aren’t going to give up a thirst opportunity for the sake of medical verisimilitude.)

I think he’s also deliberately letting Wei Wuxian see how beautiful he looks without his many layers of robes on. He sits still, being looked at, for 30 seconds of screen time, and then he turns around to show off his tiddies.

Unfortunately that’s when Wei Wuxian notices the burn on his chest, which wasn’t what Lan Wangji was going for, so he--slowly--gets out and puts his clothes on.

This burn scar is never discussed in the show, although the book explains it. I think if you haven’t read the book you can still guess that Lan Wangji did it to himself out of grief. This is a literal mark of Lan Wangji’s devotion--one he’s not ready for Wei Wuxian to understand just yet.

Continuing the comparison: in the past, it was Wei Wuxian trying to get close to Lan Wangji, as Lan Wangji resisted.

In the present, Wei Wuxian doesn’t need to push; Lan Wangji comes to him. Lan Wangji has, in the course of 12 hours, invited Wei Wuxian so far into his life and has shown Wei Wuxian so much of himself that he might as well have embroidered "down to fuck" on the front of his robes.

Before this, Wei Wuxian had never seen his house, not seen his hair without several chunks of silver in it, not heard him play guqin other than for medical purposes, and definitely hadn't been given a generous eyeful of his elegant torso and swanlike neck.

Seeing Lan Wangji’s various scars, Wei Wuxian starts to get out of his own head a bit, and begins to think about the person Lan Wangji has become in his absence. He demands--not via his usual whining, but with quiet authority--to know what happened.

This gets him absolutely nowhere, because Lan Wangji is the stubbornest person on Earth. He let Wei Wuxian look, and that’s all the communicating he plans to do on this subject.

He knows perfectly well that he has an interfering older brother who will eventually explain everything for him.

Failmaster Qiren

The tension is broken by the arrival of some juniors, who say that Lan Qiren tried to communicate with the sword spirit, and it kicked his ass. This happens to him more often than it should.

There are a lot of funny moments in The Untamed, many of them deliberate, but some caused by the challenges of a big production with complicated continuity. For me, nothing will ever be funnier than the fact that, on his way to save his uncle from the homicidal sword spirit, Lan Wangji stopped to do his hair.

Outside the sword room, Wei Wuxian demonstrates one of his core skills: busting through barriers in the Cloud Recesses.

None of the juniors can get past this door that he’s easily blasting open, but they all still believe that this dude with Lan Wangji is second-rate cultivator Mo Xuanyu.

Flute Recital

Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian start playing "Rest" to the sword, but then Wei Wuxian realizes that Lan Qiren is going to recognize him if he plays the flute well...while not wearing a mask...or something? This is one of those moments where it would make a lot more sense if Mo Xuanyu did not look like Wei Wuxian, but we would all be sad if either version of Wei Wuxian did not look like Xiao Zhan, so let’s roll with it.

To hide his real abilities, and because he is a compulsive troll, Wei Wuxian launches into an extra-shitty rendition of WangXian, which is apparently bad enough to knock Lan Qiren out again.

Lan Wangji takes a moment to wonder why he had to be born a clownosexual, exclusively attracted to clowns. One clown in particular.

Now the mystery-solving part of the story gets rolling. Wei Wuxian picks up the sword, which is smoking with resentment, to get a read on it. It screams at him like the Xuanwu sword did, back in the good old days.

Wei Wuxian shudders and gasps sexily, and then falls into Lan Wangji's waiting arms.

Lan Wangji suddenly feels totally fine about his clownosexuality.

Party in the Jingshi

Later, at the Jingshi, Wei Wuxian expertly twirls his flute just like that one Yiling Laozu guy was known for doing while Lan Wangji and several disciples tend to Lan Qiren.

Lan Wangji has put Lan Qiren in his own bed, the same bed Wei Wuxian was sleeping in 12 hours ago. I'd say Lan Wangji has the busiest bed in the Cloud Recesses, except that we all know that honor belongs to Lan Xichen.

The disciples gossip about the resentful energy, and one of them wonders aloud if the Yiling Laozu has taken over a new host body. That earns him a nearly lethal dose of stink-eye from Lan Wangji.

Lan Wangji finishes checking his uncle’s pulse and puts his hand down but does not tuck him in, because his uncle is not named Wei Wuxian.

We get our first clue that Lan Wangji is actually Lan Sizhui's dad when he vaguely dismisses the whole group of disciples, but sends Lan Sizhui, specifically, to bed.

Hot-grumpy-dad Lan Wangji is my favorite. We don’t see him in this mood a lot at this age, particularly not when he’s busy making googly eyes at Wei Wuxian. But his worry for Lan Qiren seems to have brought back a slice of his angsty, angry younger self. *sizzle noise*

Lan Sizhui tries to argue about bedtime and gets shut down, so he verbally acquiesces to what his dad told him to do. Then he fucks off and does what he wants to do instead. It’s nice to see that Lan Wangji has raised a normal teenager.

Sizhui goes outside and chats with his other dad for a while. He doesn't know yet that this is his other dad, of course, just that his father has a new, cool boyfriend who can probably score much better weed than that crap Jingyi's always bragging about.

Wei Wuxian is a kind, serious authority figure in his conversations with Lan Sizhui; not silly or teasing as he is with Lan Jingyi. He tells Sizhui him not to blame himself for what happened at the Mo manor, and compliments his learning and thought processes.

I Trust You

In the morning, Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji talk on the porch. Lan Qiren taking the only bed means they probably didn't have the fun night Lan Wangji had been hoping for. Also, while they are getting along well, Wei Wuxian isn't comfortable with him yet; he asks if Lan Wangji suspects him, when they talk about the haunted sword.

Lan Wangji takes the opportunity to tell him, emphatically, “Of course, I believe you.” This is the same “trust/believe” ( 信 ) that was hanging between them the previous evening, and Lan Wangji is taking steps to rectify the problem.

Fortunately, Wei Wuxian is helplessly in love with Lan Wangji, and has a very forgiving nature, so they will get comfortable with each other very quickly. They work out that Xue Yang must have recreated the Yin tiger seal using his own piece of Yin Metal.

Guest Lecturer

Next, Lan Wangji gathers a roomful of disciples together to listen to Yiling Laozu’s lecture on the topic of resentful energy and this demonic sword. (Lan Qiren wakes up, feels a disturbance in the force, faints again).

Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian also flirt in front of the whole class. Features of this flirtation include Wei Wuxian doing this...thing with his flute and his mouth while he leans on Lan Wangji.

This one time, at band camp...

Theoretically, this move of Lan Wangji’s, where he steps away while Wei Wuxian is leaning on him, could be read as “doesn’t like to be touched.” Except grown-up Lan Wangji is happy to touch Wei Wuxian, and everyone’s faces say that this is Lan Wangji indulging in a moment of playfulness.

Lan Jingyi is slightly horrified, but Lan Sizhui is practically ecstatic about this development. He and Wei Wuxian have a little nonverbal conversation in which Lan Sizhui gives him the opposite of a shovel talk.

Lan Sizhui is the president of the Let's Get Hanguang-Jun Laid club. Jingyi will join up soon.

On The Road Again

Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian leave Gusu on a pair of horses that are never seen again; why does Wei Wuxian ride a donkey if they've got horses? *shrug.*

They go into Qinghe and walk through the market; Wei Wuxian lighthearted and interested in his surroundings in a way he hasn't been since he was young. Lan Wangji seems comfortable in the crowd; a contrast to his early travels.

A vendor is selling Yiling Laozu merch. Wei Wuxian is offended by their ugliness, explaining that the Yiling Patriarch was one of the most beautiful men in the world, with many successful sponsorship deals.

Just then Jin Ling shows up, because the cultivation world is like 3 city blocks wide and everyone lives on the same block. He attacks the vendor for daring to mention Wei Wuxian in public.

This is my father’s font! I won’t put it down!

The stunt here involves the vendor getting yanked on a wire into a produce table, without knocking it over. One radish falls on the ground but the table doesn’t break into splinters and the air is not filled with flying veggies.

If you are accustomed to American TV and movies, seeing someone hit a produce table or cart without destroying a massive quantity of produce is positively surreal.

Wei Wuxian realizes that Jin Ling’s personality is an unfortunate combination of Jin Zixuan and Jiang Cheng. He decides that he should try to instill some of Jiang Yanli’s virtues in him. He puts his mask on and starts a conversation with Jin Ling.

Enter Fairy, the fluffy adorable dog, who is an exemplar of Wei Wuxian's deep fear of dogs. Fairy is also is a catalyst for a sudden onset of broad comedic acting in our leading man. Wei Wuxian screams and runs away as Fairy slooowly chases him.

#the untamed #the untamed gifs #the untamed meta #restless rewatch the untamed #wangxian #canary3d-original #clownosexuality #the busiest bed in the cloud recesses #parallels #return of the bathing beauty trope

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malka-lisitsa · 9 months

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psychology + mental health deep dive !

tagged by: The most important person in my life.... me ♡

general mental health related trigger warnings apply. feel free to include more or exclude those facts / test results that take too much time or don’t apply, you can check out this list for more personality-related quizzes to include!

QUICK FACTS ,

diagnoses: (unofficial like this bitch would ever go to a therapist, what goes on in her head is none of her business) C-PTSD, Borderline personality disorder. triggers: Literally everything? Not even kidding its hit or miss at all times because shes constantly in fight or flight mode and can sometimes see something as a threat one moment and not the next. skills: She has ZERO healthy coping skills. She knows HOW to ground in a panic attack, but she often forgets to in the moment. She has zero emotional regulation so she lashes out a lot too. negative coping skills: Drinking, lashing out in aggression words/actions, petty little revenge missions (or that time she became the devil) attachment style: fearful-avoidant / disorganised (shes a mess) love language: Katherine doesn't really have your standard love languages. If she likes you she wants to play with you, silly little games. I suppose that could be "quality time" and I suppose you could simmer her greatest show of love, putting her advantage and safety at risk as "Acts of service" ? myers briggs / mbti: entp (but she can be very introverted too, as long as shes not BORED she has no issues being alone for extended periods of time, and sometimes needs to be.)

HISTORY EXPLORATION ,

are their diagnoses formal ( via a doctor, therapist, etc. ) or informal ( self diagnosis, a hunch, unrealized, etc. ) Informal, she does not care shes just trying to live and be loved

have they ever been treated / medicated? Oh she self medicates all the time <33333333

have they ever been hospitalized or treated on an inpatient basis? Does Damon locking her in a tomb count?

how old were they when they first started experiencing / realizing symptoms? Like most cases of BPD early teens.

do they have a family history of mental illness? Well her father is a raging and abusive alcoholic man so probably.

how was mental health handled / discussed in the family / community? in the 1400's as a woman??? LMFAO SHE GOT STRAIGHT EXILED FOR HAVING A BABY OUT OF WEDLOCK.

what are their thoughts on mental health / their diagnosis? Katherine is an advocate for mental health when it comes to pretty much everyone but herself. She had no problem helping Stefan with his PTSD, validated it and taught him grounding methods- which means shes highly aware and has at least researched some of her issues, but she considers herself too broken to be fixable. So she mostly buries her issues and pretends they arent there until she cant anymore. Bottle bottle bottle- breakdown.

in what ways has their diagnosis shaped their life or experiences? ... you want me to just link her whole bio bc... No but her BPD makes it extremely hard for her to communicate the way she desperately wants to. It makes it hard for her to trust people, even when she wants to, and it makes her almost unpredictable in terms of reaction to rejection or criticism. Her paranoia is sky high. Shes just not having a good time and all she wants is Stefan.

SYMPTOMS: note that all of the below are, on their own, normative and typical aspects of human functioning. they become “symptoms” when they last longer than “normal” or when they pose a significant impact on someone’s life / functioning.

BOLD all that are present, ITALICIZE those that are resolved or in the history.

depression. anxiety. panic attacks. dissociation. derealization. depersonalization. suicidal ideation. self harm. homicidal ideation. psychosis. auditory hallucinations. visual hallucinations. delusions. mania. hypomania. racing thoughts. hyperactivity. attention difficulty. flashbacks. nightmares. hyperarousal. hypoarousal. hypersexuality. hyposexuality. psychopathy. risky behavior. catatonia. somatic / bodily concerns. mutism. phobia. agoraphobia. hoarding. obsessions. compulsions. body dysmorphia. hair picking. skin picking. amnesia. illness anxiety / hypochondria. sensory loss. speech difficulty. comprehension difficulty. communication difficulty. tics. defiant behavior. irritable mood. vindictiveness. aggression. pyromania. kleptomania. paranoia. attention seeking. narcissism. avoidance. dependency. pica. rumination. food restriction. food binging. purging. soiling the bed. insomnia. fatigue. sexual dysfunction. delirium. developmental delays.

explanations / elaborations on any of the above symptoms:

I have several HC's that deep Dive Katherine's mental state, two of them are linked in the above info <3

#oh GOD look at all of her SYMPTOMS #MY POOR BABY #headcanon #this was fun to do

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farginen · 2 years

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psychology + mental health deep dive

quick facts

diagnoses: ptsd, unspecified anxiety disorder/s (needs further evaluation) triggers: undefined, usually resistant to triggering situations to a degree. positive coping skills: maintaining a routine, eating and sleeping regularly, maintaining her own hygiene as well as the hygiene of her surroundings and her dog negative coping skills: social isolation + withdraw, (sometimes) under-eating or sleep deprivation, self-sabotaging and suicidal plans attachment style: disorganized / fearful-avoidant love language: physical touch (receiving), quality time (mutual), acts of service (giving) myers briggs / mbti: ISTJ

history exploration

are their diagnoses formal ( via a doctor, therapist, etc. ) or informal ( self diagnosis, a hunch, unrealized, etc. )

semi formal. a proper psychological evaluation was done when riza formalised her military career after the war.

have they ever been treated / medicated?

no, she was deemed "functional" and has not had any follow up treatment.

have they ever been hospitalized or treated on an inpatient basis?

no, only hospitalised for physical injuries after the promised day events.

how old were they when they first started experiencing / realizing symptoms?

some steem from childhood, some from war.

do they have a family history of mental illness?

yes, her father berthold hawkeye was severely mentally ill though undiagnosed.

how was mental health handled / discussed in the family?

it wasn't.

what are their thoughts on mental health / their diagnosis?

she sees it the same as other physical injuries. the brain is just another organ.

in what ways has their diagnosis shaped their life or experiences?

it hasn't. much like other physical illness and injuries, if it's something she can live and deal with and go without medical assistance she'll take that route. unfortunately, mental health does fall under this.

symptoms

bold all that are present, italicize those that are resolved or in the history.

note that all of the below are, on their own, normative and typical aspects of human functioning. they become “symptoms” when they last longer than “normal” or when they pose a significant impact on someone’s life / functioning.

explanations / elaborations on any of the above symptoms

riza is generally very self aware and has a strong grip on herself, most "symptoms" are either circumstantial (i.e high stress, life or death situations, fighting homunculi and all that jazz) and laying dormant until a specific event triggers a reaction, or are underlying subconsciously in her thoughts hardly ever being expressed outwardly instead appearing always calm, collected and even cold or emotionless.

tagged by: i stole this from @seesgood ! tagging: @kingsleyer, @hongdiwang, @fullmtal, @stovthearted, @bidotheuncanny, @blanchette + anyone else who wants to do it

#dash games.#headcanons.#this one took so long to complete rip

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webheadedhero · 2 years

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psychology + mental health deep dive !

QUICK FACTS ,

diagnoses: triggers: positive coping skills: negative coping skills: attachment style: love language: myers briggs / mbti:

HISTORY EXPLORATION ,

are their diagnoses formal ( via a doctor, therapist, etc. ) or informal ( self diagnosis, a hunch, unrealized, etc. ) depressive disorder. it’s largely undiagnosed, though I wouldn’t be surprised if Dr. Kafka had diagnosed him.

have they ever been treated / medicated? He’s had a few informal therapy sessions with Kafka, but largely no.

have they ever been hospitalized or treated on an inpatient basis? he’s been hospitalized for physical injuries, but mental ones? no.

how old were they when they first started experiencing / realizing symptoms? I would say around five. since that’s not long after his parents were killed. Only fo rthings to get worse when he was fifteen and his uncle was murdered.

do they have a family history of mental illness? hmmm, there’s not much mention of it but I would say, no.

how was mental health handled / discussed in the family? for the most part, it isn’t. peter is pretty closed off, and since he didn’t let his aunt in on his secret until he was an adult. he was a bit more open about things that were bothering him, but even then he didn’t really open himself up entirely.

what are their thoughts on mental health / their diagnosis? in general, he thinks mental health is an important thing to keep up with. he’s compassionate to a fault, and is almost always willing to try and rehabilitate or help someone through whatever they’re going through. as for his diagnosis, he’s vaguely aware of it but he doesn’t have many thoughts about it.

in what ways has their diagnosis shaped their life or experiences? it had an impact in the way he views himself. I made a post about it (thanks in large part to lia cause she’s the best) but. short version is, for the longest time he was isolated because he chose to be. he thought it was best if people weren’t associated with him, because death seemed to surround him. he had difficulty forming friendships and relationships with others. he didn’t view himself as a good person for the longest time, and in many ways still doesn’t. he has a tremendous amount of guilt on his conscience. I could go on and on, and have in another post for now, this will do.

BOLD all that are present, ITALICIZE those that are resolved or in the history.

explanations / elaborations on any of the above symptoms:

with the hallucinations it’s tough. cause he’s had moments where he’s heard people who have died speak to him, or appear. though it’s tough to say if it was a true hallucination or more of a writer’s technique, or just pure guilt ridden brain. maybe a bit of both? I didn’t know whether to italicize it, but. I left it blank fjaksldjfklds.

tagged by: @seesgood and @desafia

tagging:YOU

#outofquips ; ooc #i love these so much fkaksljdfkldf

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heroeslogic · 2 years

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psychology + mental health deep dive !

QUICK FACTS ,

diagnoses: adhd, generalized anxiety disorder, bipolar ii ( diagnosed upon entry to SHIELD academy during mandated therapy), c-ptsd (diagnosed after infinity war)

triggers: bars/alcohol in large quantities/people being openly drunk around her, being degraded

positive coping skills: developed plenty of hobbies to cope (drawing, music, baking), working out

negative coping skills: running away from home, substance use (weed), self isolation, recklessness and adrenaline seeking behaviors, sex

attachment style: anxious

love language: quality time, physical touch & words of affirmation

myers briggs / mbti: infp

HISTORY EXPLORATION ,

are their diagnoses formal ( via a doctor, therapist, etc. ) or informal ( self diagnosis, a hunch, unrealized, etc. ) formal, she was diagnosed when she joined SHIELD when they required her to attend therapy upon joining the delinquent program.

have they ever been treated / medicated? alice has been prescribed anti-depressants, but she also does a lot of self medicating with caffeine. (and she used to use weed to self medicate)

have they ever been hospitalized or treated on an inpatient basis? no.

how old were they when they first started experiencing / realizing symptoms? it was after her mom died, so around the age of eleven or twelve. her mom’s death and the abuse alice got at home afterwards were really the catalysts for her symptoms presenting themselves.

do they have a family history of mental illness? yes, alice’s father was an addict. however any further diagnosis is unknown.

how was mental health handled / discussed in the family? wasn’t discussed.

what are their thoughts on mental health / their diagnosis? honestly she doesn’t think about the actual diagnosis often. as for mental health, alice is a big proponent of taking care of one’s self even if she doesn’t always follow her own advice.

in what ways has their diagnosis shaped their life or experiences? she’s happy there’s a name for what she has, even when she’s miserable or can’t control the things she wishes she could. she’s not crazy, she’s not a failure, she’s not broken. there’s a name for it. other people have it too.

BOLD all that are present, ITALICIZE those that are resolved or in the history.

explanations / elaborations on any of the above symptoms:

i have nothing else to add rn because i am so tired but if i come up with anything later i solemnly swear to make a post about it and link it here.

tagged by: not lia but ily lia @seesgood

tagging: VIEWERS LIKE YOU!

#drug use tw #mental illness tw #self harm tw #keep going till there’s nothing left . . . [ DASH GAMES ]*#you know you’ll always know me . . . [ META & COMMENTARY ]*

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jigscw · 2 years

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psychology + mental health deep dive !

QUICK FACTS ,

diagnoses: borderline personality disorder , traumatic brain injury , complex trauma , traits of antisocial personality disorder , amnesia ( s2 ) triggers: being manipulated / controlled , people trying to blackmail him , being called “pretty” , being touched by men in a flirtatious way , being confronted with things he tries to suppress . positive coping skills: ??? idk but someone please teach him some negative coping skills: suppression , deflection , projection , murder / violence , denial , substance use . attachment style: avoidant love language: acts of service myers briggs / mbti: entj ( the commander )

HISTORY EXPLORATION ,

are their diagnoses formal ( via a doctor, therapist, etc. ) or informal ( self diagnosis, a hunch, unrealized, etc. ) formal , given by psychiatric staff and doctors at the hospital ( post s1 )

have they ever been treated / medicated? apart from the krista thing , he’s never done actual therapy and he wouldn’t choose to of his own accord . he was medicated as a child / teenager for attention / hyperactivity in school but it was a false diagnosis and he wasn’t compliant .

have they ever been hospitalized or treated on an inpatient basis? only in s2 due to the traumatic brain injury and memory loss

how old were they when they first started experiencing / realizing symptoms? i don’t think he nor anyone else in his life ever fully realized or paid attention to it , i imagine that frank probably noticed some things and maybe brought them up to him between tours once they were closer , but billy would have denied it to no end .

do they have a family history of mental illness? his mom had substance abuse struggles , but everything else is unknown .

how was mental health handled / discussed in the family / community? it was not

what are their thoughts on mental health / their diagnosis? he has no feelings about it because he doesn’t pay it any mind or give it any major importance

in what ways has their diagnosis shaped their life or experiences? it’s made him a lot more volatile and provided explanation ( but not excuses ) for a lot of actions , however he would deny that mental health has any bearing on anything that he’s done or any of his successes , if anything he might even see aspects of it as a strength that made him a better soldier .

BOLD all that are present, ITALICIZE those that are resolved or in the history.

explanations / elaborations on any of the above symptoms:

most of the italics are things that he had in his teenage years, and most of the bold are things he exhibits typically in s1 , s2 would probably be a symptom combination of both the bold and italic choices .

tagged by: myself tagging: anyone !

#𝗠𝗜𝗦𝗖. / CHARACTER STUDY.#𝗠𝗜𝗦𝗖. / HEADCANON.

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dreamerwriternstargazer · 2 months

Text

Okay so I’ve been going through mental hell the entire day

I fell asleep after getting home because I just

Wasn’t capable of watching something yet

Since waking up I’ve prayed and managed to eat Iftar and then prayed Magrib

And since then I have been stuck sitting on my bed and I think maybe I need to vent this out

Tw: PTSD symptoms/trauma and mental health discussion

Okay!

So this is what I mean when I say PTSD is a physical disability (and this is my experience it’s probably mixed somewhat with whatever other issues I have)

No sleep! Lack of sleep!

Mental noise

(Wait it gets worse)

Flashbacks to traumatic events

Can’t stand or walk

Can’t breathe (I’m literally having to remind myself right now every 20 seconds to BREATHE)

Throwing up

Cold symptoms! Yes you can work your entire body into a faux fever doing this! Currently I’m shivering shaking and rocking while it feels like my veins are turning into fire

Headaches

Can’t think due to mental noise - hence can’t function

I’ve attempted to eat but that has a 50/50 chance of coming back up as I mentioned before and typically you lose your appetite anyway!

A LOT of crying (only I am such a repressed person I get an overdose of the other symptoms and no crying)

Hallucinations!

Extreme exhaustion (read: nap earlier)

How are these disabling? In case you haven’t figured it out

You can’t do ANYTHING while dealing with the slew of symptoms here and these can crop up on their own unprompted by environment! I cannot stand breathe or walk, I can’t socialise so I can’t seek help! I can’t go to friends and ask for help! I can’t work! I can’t study! Clean! Can’t take care of my house and space! I can’t speak (somehow I’m managing to write this purely because it’s venting and also text is easier but it’s a lot like screaming inside your own head) I cannot do basic acts of self care all I can do

Is lie here

And scream inside my head :D

I could scream outside of it, the house is empty except for me, but pfft did I mention the repression?

Okay so why am I making this post?

Because I went 22 years before seeing a therapist and have them confirm what I was too polite and repressed to check which is whether I have ptsd or not

I can’t give you a formal diagnosis, hell even my therapist can’t give me one, that comes from a psychiatrist which can mean going through hell and high water

I’m telling you this so that you can know 1. You don’t need a formal diagnosis to get help and 2. If you fit all of these categories and have these symptoms and you DON’T have PTSD, you have some other mental disability?

Screw it it’s still a disability which means you’re still suffering which means you deserve to know YES THAT IS A BROKEN SOMETHING YOU’RE WALKING ON AND YES YOU SHOULD BE SCREAMING SHOUTING AND KICKING IT’S COMPLETELY OKAY AND NORMAL TO RESPOND TO PAIN THAT WAY

You are disabled

Give yourself a break

And I’m writing this for myself a little bit but I’m a stubborn idiot so I don’t listen but I’m hoping if Future Me sees this she remembers it for a future meltdown.

Anyway

If you’re feeling like this if you have any of these symptoms I’m really sorry and here’s a list of things that sort of could possibly help:

Focusing on breathing (in for 6 secs, hold for 7, out for 8)

If you can move, change into your cosiest clothes immediately and get into bed.

Turn on something you love to watch. You don’t need to watch it it just needs to be on, replace the mental noise

Have art or images to look at to help relax, save them for days like this

Huddle up in your bed. Don’t touch the phone, scrolling can only numb or distract but it can’t help you move through the pain

I personally have some physical habits? I don’t know if this works for everyone but I drum my fingers on my temples or I lightly knock on my temples, both sides, while rocking

If you have a stim or some physical habit that soothes, go for it

Try to avoid active self harm, passive (not eating or caring for yourself) is not good but it’s not horrible, you can self care after you reach the other side of the war zone.

Have a code word to text to a trusted friend or family member so they know without much explanation that you are sick (because you are! You are very very sick and it’s amazing you’re still standing and I’m super proud of you for staying alive!)

Remember the self harm tip? If you’re in a way worse position and considering something worse, self harm is fine as suicide prevention. This is a weird and risky thing to say but while it’s not a good coping mechanism and last resort, it is still one and it’s better than ending everything. Please try to exhaust every option before reaching this one

Call in sick. No really, call in sick this is worse than a cold, your own brain is turning against you. If you don’t have the privilege of calling in sick as I so often don’t, make sure someone you trust knows how sick you are (either at work or outside of it) to support you and help you through your day

If you live with family then they take on what you can’t. Cooking, cleaning, if you trust them enough then ask them to take care of you too

Hallucinations? Play something grounding, sleep with the lights on or keep all the lights on, have someone you trust with you (online, irl, family or friend) to ground you. Think Peeta in The Hunger Games, you need your Katniss and Finnick to tell you “real or not real”.

Yes it is horrible and yes some of this can feel humiliating and scary especially being so vulnerable and needing so much help, that’s the sucky part of the disability thing, it’s chronic it’s continuous and I’m sorry babes but we’ve just gotta deal with it and you WILL survive this I promise it’s just gonna hurt a hell of a lot first

#ptsd #ptsd recovery #depression #mental health #disability #disabled #(idk if it counts as recovery but it’s definitely how to cope)

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patronsaint-prometheus · 6 months

Note

4 + 14 :]

THANK YOU FOR THE NUMBERS !! I love talking about my story smile.

4.) what would you say is the message, if there is one.

THFH's message has changed a lot over the years. And may very well change again before it’s in any concrete form. I think the main thing I’m trying to say with it right now is that people are gross! People come from gross places and they have gross undesirable traits. But that’s the whole point of being human. With stitching Maine culture into the plot as much as I have there’s a very big overtone of “don’t condescend other people” , but I always wanted the more intimate moments of the story to be more inward. You can be a train wreck of a person and not know what your doing other than your rough goal of doing right by the world. You’re allowed to and don’t need to hate yourself for it. That’s what being human is.

14.) whats your favorite part of this story/project?

OH GOD THIS IS HARD. i don’t think I can pic one part. So I’ll just say the one that’s been repeating in my mind most recently. Hannah Dumont is one of the three protagonists and the lead woman. I’m insanely proud of how I’ve fleshed out her concept overtime but she’s this super strong willed rural fem as well as a emo/scene kid of the early 2000s. I think she is a really good example of taking the good out of where you come from AND of what you make yourself and holding it in both hands. There’s this one scene where’s walking home from a frat party relatively drunk and very pissed off and holding her heals in one hand. She’s kinda stumbling along the road with the dim streetlights around her in the part of late autumn where it isn’t really pretty anymore it’s just gray and frosted over and cold. Something suddenly doesn’t feel right. She’s not that far from the party she just left but she can’t hear any normal college neighborhood sounds. Her being a drunk firecracker very quickly changes to “oh there is SOMETHING following me” and she starts to pick up speed until she is running full sprint and barefoot down the side of the road. Scene amps up with trash cans and lawn chairs she’s running past starting to shift and rumble and get knocked towards her. The streetlights start buzzing and flickering. There’s no sign of any human life anymore even though she’s maybe a block away from the crowded place she was just in. Everything comes to a head when she comes across a white, very shallow frozen puddle. Where normally she could step over it and crack the ice and keep moving. Her white socks with almost childish lace hemming makes contact with the puddle, and she falls through the ground entirely.

THFH is “horror” in a very light use of the term. The actual paranormal side of things doesn’t have too much blood or gore. But the line between characters experiencing hallucinations and experiencing genuine reality breaks is a line I LOVE to cross. there’s a very important flashback type scene that happens between her falling through the puddle and coming back. But when she does show up again she’s standing over the shattered puddle. Solid ground underneath it. Just when she thinks she might’ve just imagined it all she realizes the sun is already coming up and there’s no way she could’ve been standing there overnight in below 0 temps. Behind her every house in sight has lawn decorations and trash cans strewn through the front yards, sidewalk, and street. It wasn’t exactly real but it wasn’t fake either.

#THFH

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 7 months

Note

Tw - about flashbacks and SA and little details of SA

Looking for: opinions but also just venting.

Call me Jaguar.

I don’t even know WHAT SOME OF MY TRIGGERS ARE!!! I LEGIT HAVE TO GUESS. I think certain things revolving around night time had triggered a certain somatic flashback before so I try to make sure to avoid what I think triggered me?

I haven’t had that particular flashback in awhile so maybe I can self trigger and see if it is what I think it is… I’m scared thinking about experiencing it again but I wanna see…

I can’t pin triggers at all. Never know where it comes from, some triggers are obvious like seeing abusers in person.

Some episodes I get idk what they are or if they’re just depressive/other episodes. Like I can get into intense depressive episodes that make me feel odd emotions I can’t describe. Idk where they come from or why they’re there. It’s like an intense sadness mixed with feeling dissociated and out of place, gross, in a way. Idk what this even is!

There are flashbacks I haven’t had in a long time and I’m really trying to figure out was it even a flashback? Why did they show up and why haven’t I seen them in a while? I was told it was a somatic one because of the SA hallucinations and how real they were on my body… the things I felt were obviously SA I thought someone was in bed with me but nobody was. One of those flashbacks was SA of vaginal somatic experiences…

…Was I triggered by thinking about the trauma memory from my childhood? Bc it was on my mind at the time the somatic flashback hit me and I was contemplating certain details from the memory…I typically avoid all memories even though they intrude on me.m but it had me thinking…

was I triggered by certain things revolving around night time? Bc I am avoiding those things atm in case it is. I think certain things about night time trigger me so I don’t go near it.

But I seem to have no experienced particular flashbacks in awhile?

I had to rearrange my room and do so many things differently at night to not feel so depressed or awful which has helped with bad episodes like that.

I really don’t know what these experiences even are. I don’t know how to label them. Or if it’s just a type of depression, Idk…

Hey Jaguar,

Please know that it's normal to not fully know what your triggers are. Sometimes our brains will recognize something as a threat that, on a conscious level, we aren't even aware of. While it can be helpful to try and figure out what your triggers are, self triggering is a dangerous way to go about this.

It's possible that the sudden onset of intense emotions could be an emotional flashback, which can be described as a rush of intense emotions related to a past traumatic event that occur without any visual memories or images. Alternatively, experiencing a flashback in which you can physically feel certain sensations related to the traumatic memory can be a somatic or sensory flashback. It's important to distinguish this from a hallucination because a hallucination is typically a perception of something that is not present in reality, while a flashback is a vivid and involuntary recollection of a past event or experience. There is some overlap, but I think that distinguishing flashbacks from hallucinations can be validating.

It's possible that things such as thinking about traumatic childhood memories or certain things about nighttime could've influenced being triggered at that time, but it's ultimately up to you to make that determination.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist can help explore your trauma in a safe and controlled setting, as well as navigate these flashbacks and collaborate with you to construct some healthy coping mechanisms that you can take with you along your healing journey. In the meantime, I do hope that I could help name some of your experiences, and please know that we're here for you if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw abuse #tw sa #tw child abuse #tw csa #tw r #jaguar

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widow-maximov · 3 years

Text

I'll be your knight

Pairing: Natasha x Fem Reader

Warning: Language, fluff, angst, smut.

Summary: Dealing with sexism is a real struggle but eventually a line is crossed and anger is unleashed.

A/n: This is my first time writing smut so hopefully it's good enough :3

Word count: 3.5k

⸻⸻⋙��⋘⸻⸻

Being an Avenger isn't easy, especially for any women that join the life style of a hero. You had to put up with sexist comments all the time, most of the time it didn't really bother you but the more you heard random men talking about your best friend like she was some toy, the more it annoyed you.

The comments towards you stopped when you were recruited by Tony Stark, there was some level respect for you and you kind of liked it.

You had some issues with opening up to the team but when Wanda, showed you they are harmless, you slowly opened up more and more as you knew that they were going to be your new family from now on.

Everyone on the team warned you about the one particular redhead but you didn't listen, you wanted to be her friend, she looked scary but is an actual softie, but only around you.

It took time for the Russian to even greet you when she saw you but for you it was worth it, you respected her and always been there for her when she had no one to turn to.

She warmed up to you as she saw the security you were offering her, and you never backed down from your offer, she wasn't keen on your presence but had to learn to accept it.

Even if she didn't trust you fully, that was okay. You trusted her with everything because you knew she was a human just like you and no doubt needed someone to lean on.

⸻⸻⋙☸Flashback☸⋘⸻⸻

You walked around, exploring the place that now it was your new home, you never saw anything more fancy than this place, the room you were staying in was more than enough for 4 people.

Your own tv along with your own big walk in closet and your own bathroom, literally a five star hotel, you didn't complain at all, you were just shocked at how spacious this all was.

Each room was bigger than the other and it was starting to get all confusing, when you left the room, you would get mixed up with the way you walked in.

You loved it but at the same time you hated it, you accidently bumped into the Russian, she looked sweaty in her work out clothes and you stared at her with awkwardness.

She eyed you and cleared her throat, attempting to walk past you and continue where she was going but you stopped her "I'm sorry to disturb you but I just want to know where I can find the gym"

You rubbed your neck awkwardly "I- um- I tried searching everywhere but I'm lost"

Usually when people stutter around Natasha, it meant they were obviously attracted to her but with how you stood and looked away from her just showed her that you were afraid of her.

She didn't smile or anything "Walk straight until you reach the end of the hall and turn left"

You looked at her but she was already on her way so you shouted "Thank you!"

You made your way with her instructions of where to go, she knew how to hide her emotions but it was totally shocking for you how she never had a smile across her lips.

This was your first real conversation, not the hello's or goodbye's. It was a proper conversation, well kind of a proper but it was a start and that's what made you happy.

Second encounter with the redhead was a lot better, the two of you actually had a normal conversation in the morning, you were barely awake so coffee was your way of helping with that.

Walking into the kitchen, not really expecting anyone up early this morning, but the sight of the yawning Russian met your eyes, you smiled at her the best you could as you turned to make yourself a coffee.

"You know there is a coffee maker here?" Her naturally raspy voice spoke which caused you to look at her.

"Yeah I seen it but I have no idea how to use it" You confessed, you weren't embarrassed, you just weren't that fancy to ever own one or even be around one.

She turned around without a word and pulled out a cup, placing it underneath the little nozzle and within seconds the coffee poured out, she took the cup and placed it down as she slid it towards you.

You looked at her and then back at the coffee "Thank you Natasha"

She nodded as she sipped on her own drink "Since you are the only person who is up right now, you mind taking a look at this report, I'm not really sure what it means"

You was taken back, she was asking you for help? Shouldn't she know all of the reports like the back of her hand? She noticed your silence "Or you don't have to, I'll probably figure-"

"No, no I have nothing to do today so I don't mind helping" You smiled and took the coffee with you as you followed her into the room where she had a loads of reports laid out.

You looked at all of them "You know you can work on two reports at a time?"

She nodded "I know but the more I do within a certain time, the less I have later on"

You nodded as you sipped your warm coffee, it was very different to what you were used to, but this was definitely easier to get used to. It was the first time Natasha spent more than 2 minutes with you and you were more than happy to accept that.

So from that time, the two of you worked every morning with each other on reports, you learnt so much from her and in some way she learnt more about you rather than from you, she was impressed by your calmness with her constant questions.

To be fair you wanted to open up to the Russian, she had that safety vibe coming of her and you knew that she would never betray you or your trust that you put in her.

The mornings spent on reports also turned into evenings and soon there was movies every other day, she loved horror movies but you on the other hand loved action movies, there was plenty of action as a hero of the world but it never was enough.

She started to show herself around you more often and you really liked how you could make her laugh with simply couple words. She loved how close she gotten to you and how you trusted her with everything.

She had some doubt but you were always to reassure her, she was thankful for it each time, so in return she would ask you questions about yourself and you never hesitated for a moment to tell her.

⸻⸻⋙☸End☸⋘⸻⸻

But the problem was that not everyone saw it like that, they saw her for her body but not for her heart which is one of many reasons to why she was slow at opening up.

It angered you that people didn't want to treat her like anyone else, just because she was gorgeous didn't automatically make her less of a human.

Today was one of those days where you were busy, like busy busy, overloaded with bunch of reports that needed to be sorted before the next day, so you spent your whole day in you room, you glared at the clock on the wall.

You was doing this for 6 hours straight, no breaks so you decided to just do that. You stood up and stretched out, walking out of your room without anyone around, it did ignite curiosity in you so you walked around cautiously to see what was the deal.

Three of your teammates with two random agents were placed on the couch in the living room, trapping Natasha in between them, from her body language she didn't want to be there.

Bruce and Bucky along with Steve seem to laugh at the agents jokes, you moved closer to the door as you listened to what they were saying.

"Come on Natasha, you should do that power pose and show off that body" One of the agents spoke up as they eyed the Russian.

The other agent tried to move closer to her but hesitated, knowing she could easily tackle him "You can't let that body go to waste"

The anger was raising as words spilled out of their mouths, why didn't Steve stop them? Did he really think that as well?

"I was near to tapping that ass but you know women" Bruce made a comment as he laughed along with the agents.

"If she dyed her hair blonde, the amount of jokes we could make then" Bucky smirked as he spoke loudly.

Natasha was just taking in all of the comments, you could see across her face that she didn't enjoy it at all, so she stood up and what they did next made you finally act.

They all looked at her ass and whistled "Romanoff, you should dance for us, show off those curves"

"I am a little hungry as well, you might as well move that pretty ass of yours and make us something to eat" One of the agents spoke up as he laughed.

You walked in as you raised your brows at the 5 men sitting and eyeing Natasha as a piece of meat, you pulled her into you causing her to jump a little but relax when she realised it was you.

They all looked at you and the other agent smirked "Are yous going to put on a lesbian show for us?"

Now you wasn't just unimpressed but also pissed, you pulled yourself away from the Russian as you stepped forwards in front of Natasha "Listen here you little dick, If I hear that you even looked at Natasha in any way, I will fucking haunt you and make sure you don't live to see tomorrow"

His friend was terrified, he gulped when you looked at him "As for you, I want you to go and make her a fucking five star meal and if it's not good, I swear to god you'll regret being born"

He shook his head so fast as he stood up but you stopped him with your powers "You want a show? I will fucking give you a show"

You gripped his face, squishing his cheeks very firmly, your hand started to glow blue as you made him hallucinate that he was in pain, from the fact that he couldn't move and he felt as if his skin was being peel off he only could scream.

You looked at the 4 men who looked very terrified of you, your eyes had flames and you wasn't going to go easy, on neither of them "If any of you ever comment anything sexist or inappropriate about any woman, including Natasha. I will make your life a living hell"

"Do yous understand?"

They shook their heads and scattered away from you as fast as they could, you let go of the dude in front of you, he looked weak but he gotten up so fast that you could swear he had powers as well.

You turned towards Natasha, worried "Are you okay? Did they touch you?"

You looked her up and down as you made your way towards her, she shook her head with a small smile. You pulled her into a hug as a single tear slid down Natasha's face.

You pulled away as you wiped that tear off with your thumb "Why didn't you act Nat?"

"What's the point? It wont stop them from saying what they want Y/n/n"

The pain in your heart was strong at the words, how could any woman not be scared of what could happen if they do protest against men.

You cupped her face as you looked into her eyes "Natasha Romanoff, I promise you that I will protect you from their filthy mouths"

She smiled, this time it met her eyes which caused you to smile. You crushed on Natasha for a long time and promised yourself that when the time was right you would tell her but each time it was harder to do so.

Her and Bruce at the time were something but when she decided to break it off, you were there for her you told her she didn't need to tell you the reason to why she decided that but reassured her that it was probably a good reason to do so.

Now you are holding her face as her eyes are locked with yours, you could feel those butterflies in your stomach raise up "I will be your knight in casual clothes because armour isn't my style"

She laughed with her whole heart, causing you to laugh as well "Gosh I love you.."

You froze at her words, and so did she, her eyes widen at her words but she knew there was no way out of this so she pulled her sleeve and started to fidget with it.

Your hands were on her face but dropped at those words, you stood still trying to understand what just happened, she continued as she looked down "I hope that's okay but I love you Y/n"

You couldn't believe your ears, the woman who always had trouble opening up, right now was vulnerable with her whole heart to you and you was stuck, frozen as you stared at her.

"I never had anyone stand up for me the way to did today, I started to realise that I had feelings that one day when you were near to death on that mission" She was still fidgeting with her sleeve.

"It's okay if you don't feel the same way but you just needed to know.." She confessed, she was standing in front of you holding her heart out in her hands, offering you to take it.

You smiled whole heartily as you looked into her eyes when you pulled her face by her chin "It's more than okay Tasha"

Your hands dropped to her hips as you pulled her in closer to you "Because I love you too"

That look in her eyes, you could see that she had those butterflies too, her eyes locked with yours, she tilted her head slightly to the side and crashed her lips against yours.

Her hands were placed on the back of your neck pulling you deeper into her kiss, you slowly backed her into the wall and when her back hit the wall, she gasped which you used the opportunity to slide your tongue inside her mouth.

The kiss became heated real quick, forgetting that the two of you were still in the public place, only when someone cleared their throat, make the two of you look where the sound came from.

Natasha hid her face in the crook of your neck as she quietly laughed at how awkward that is, you pulled yourself away from her as you looked in the direction of Tony, who looked at you with pure disgust.

"As if you never done this, but sorry you had to witness..." You rolled your eyes at him at first but looked over at Natasha who was still leaning on the wall "This"

She smiled as she intertwined her hand with yours and tugged it to pull you out of the living room, the two of you made it to her room but it wasn't long before you reclaimed her lips with your own.

This time it was a little bit more gentle, you backed her up to the bed as the back of her leg hit the bed frame, before you pushed her back and claimed on top of her.

The only light was the moonlight that was shining through the blinds, you kissed her passionately and redirected your kisses down to her neck, she moved her face to the side giving you more access to her neck.

You left marks as you slightly stank your teeth in but sucked the spot right after, earning a few small moans from the redhead beneath you, she was slowly turning into a mess but she managed to slightly pull you away.

"Don't you have a lot of work?" She asked a little worried but lust was more visible.

"It can wait" You declared as you looked into her eyes "Are you sure you want this?"

She smiled at you being caring and asking for consent "I want this детка (baby)"

You smirked as you placed a soft kiss on her lips and returned to her neck, giving it a couple more kisses and slowly moving down, the only thing that stopped you was the material of her clothes.

She slightly lifted herself off as you pulled her shirt off, exposing her upper body, you looked at her in admiration, her eyes had slight doubt across them but you were quick to reassure her.

"You are beautiful Tasha" You meant every word that came out of your mouth.

There was a blush across her cheeks as she smiled at you, your hand reached for the back of her bra as you unhooked it and pulled it off her.

You took couple of seconds to admire the view before attaching your mouth to her nipple, she bit her bottom lip to prevent her from moaning.

Your free hand glued itself to the other breast, giving it the same amount of attention as your mouth did, you moved your lips to her ear as your hand kept playing with her now hard nipple.

"I want to hear you Natty" You whispered into her ear and with that Natasha moaned into your ear causing a small smirk to settle on your lips.

You continued to kiss down her body until you reached the bottom of her stomach, you looked up at her to see if she was okay, she nodded to give you the confirmation.

You pulled her shorts off along with her underwear, exposing the bottom half of her body, you could smell her arousal which only fuel you on.

You teased her as you kissed her inner thigh, leaving marks there as well, you would from time to time lock eyes with her. You moved closer to her pussy, teasing her with your tongue causing some frustrated moans to escape her mouth.

Her hips would buck as you would teasingly lick her wet folds, she looked down at you as her eyes were consumed with lust "Please Y/n! Just fuck me already"

That's all you needed to hear before you attached your mouth to her dripping pussy, giving her clit the attention first as the more louder moans escaped her mouth.

You gripped her with your hands as your tongue worked it's magic against her hard clit, she was gripping the bed sheets as moans were spilling out of her lips, not caring if anyone heard.

You moved one of your hands as you slipped one of your fingers inside her and without letting her adjust you started to thrust into her, the feeling of pleasure was building up quickly in the bottom of her stomach with each thrust.

"Oh god" Those were the only words she managed to choke out, she was soaked which stoked up your own arousal along with her moans.

Her hips were quick to match your pace as you thrusted, bringing her closer and closer, you pushed the second finger inside and this time you curled the two fingers, hitting her spot all over again.

One of her hands gripped your arm as her nails dug into your skin, the other hand was still tightly gripping the bedsheet, her head was thrown back as you came up to her face.

Your pace of your fingers never slowing down but thrusting harder and fast "Let me show you how you should be treated instead darling.."

You kissed her lips as she moaned, you moved back down as you felt her walls tighten, knowing she was about to cum. You pushed your fingers even deeper into her, her breathing was heavy letting out low and loud moans.

You watched as the orgasm consumed Natasha with your name falling freely from her lips, you slowed down your thrusts to let her ride out her orgasm, holding her steady pulling your fingers out of her as you licked her clean, and moved back up to her lips.

Kissing her as she slightly moaned at the taste of herself into the kiss, you pulled away from her as she was still breathing heavily, staring into your eyes with a smile.

"Now it's your turn" She spoke in between breathes.

You shook your head "Not today darling, today's focus is you.."

You stripped yourself naked as you pressed your warm body against Natasha, glaring at the marks you left and holding her tight in your arms as she slowly calmed down from her high.

You were sure in this moment that you wanted to hear her moan your name till the rest of your life, it was the music to your ears and you didn't want it any other way.

⸻⸻⋙☸⋘⸻⸻

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Tag-list: @diaryoflife,@wandanatblogs,@madamevirgo, @eilarch

#natasha romanoff x reader #natasha x reader #natasha romanoff #black widow #natasha fluff

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sapphic-theorist · 2 years

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Laura Lee is alive!

and I will attempt to prove it.

To begin, there were several photos released at this [link] where there were several frames from episode 9. My evidence will mainly be pulled from there:

First off, I have done my best to label the characters with names (excluding extras)

I identified Mari using this photo, since she’s wearing the green dress

I know, I know, but where Laura Lee!

There are more photos in which I specifically call out this one:

Who’s the figure in the background? Based on all the previous photos, there is no matching dress to the ones seen here

That is, unless the dress happens to look blue in a shadow (behind Shauna in the photo with Jackie, Shauna, Mari, and Akilah)

It would make sense that they would want to hide Laura Lee in most of the photos, either to give the impression it’s not real or to make us speculate about whether it actually is Laura Lee

Now, take a look at these profiles, starting off with a closer up of the background of Jackie and Travis dancing. And let’s compare to Laura Lee’s side profile:

It definitely looks like Laura Lee here. And I’m convinced enough to say that is her.

So, now that we’ve deduced that it is Laura Lee. What next? How did she survive?

1. Possibly she fell from the explosion into the lake below. And possibly she survived that way.

I say this bc earlier in episode 8, the group assumed that Van was dead. They even went as far as to start ceremonially burning her body, and it was almost too late for her when they took her out of it.

This shows us that either there is a supernatural element at play that kept Van alive, or that the group was not very good at identifying whether or not she was dead (I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt… at least for Taissa).

Surviving this way would make a fantastic parallel to the beginning of the episode with the flashback where she dove into the shallow end of the pool and was resuscitated. Because she survived that incident! (And could foreshadow her survival during this one)

2. She will be resurrected and survive that way.

Giving the ambiguous supernatural element to everything, it’s not impossible that she will be brought back somehow.

Whether it be a sacrifice or something else entirely, resurrection fits within all of Laura Lee’s religious beliefs and the themes we’ve seen throughout the show: her cross necklace, her resuscitation, her baptism of Lottie. Resurrection would be the biggest nail to hit for her. (The resuscitation could have been a sort of resurrection for her, but seems to add to it being a foreshadowing form of parallel).

3. Laura Lee doesn’t survive at all.

It’s very possible that the lack of Laura Lee is because she just is dead. That was it, she died in the explosion. But then what about the picture?

It could just be one of Lottie’s visions. We know she has them, but normally they’re about what will happen. (Since, we don’t know the semantics about them, anything could be possible)

Laura Lee has become very grounding to Lottie, she helps calm her, and ensures her that she isn’t crazy. So, it’s not impossible to think that maybe Lottie is latching onto Laura Lee after her death, and seeing her in her hallucinations after she’s already gone.

The absolute last possibility I have to offer is that Laura Lee is still with Lottie, in her afterlife, she’s watching over Lottie. And her appearance is letting us (the viewers) and possibly Lottie know she is watching over them all. She’s they’re own guardian Angel, watching over them.

If you made is this far, thank you so very much.

What makes the most sense narratively is either Laura Lee survived the accident, or will through supernatural means, or perhaps will live on through Lottie.

#yellowjackets #laura lee #yellowjackets theories #shauna shipman #jackie taylor #taissa turner #van palmer #mari #akilah

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variousqueerthings · 2 years

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Survivors of Yellowjackets

Just a musing on who I think might be still alive and whomst I think is more likely dead (and who I really want to survive!) the 19 months in the wilderness.

I’m only going to go for characters who (as of time of writing) have had bearing on the plot. There are obviously a fair few background characters who haven’t had a lot to do yet, and I wonder if they’ll be given more space as other characters have now died… and of course, there’s the girl from the opening episode who was being chased through the woods…

Confirmed survivors (unless it’s secretly a drea- gets sniped by the over-complicating things bureau): Shawna, Nathalie, Taissa, Misty, Travis (RIP Travis)

Confirmed dead: Jackie, Laura Lee

Possible survivors:

Lottie

Arguments for surviving: I think it’s pretty much certain that Lottie is alive at this point, probably still running the cult begun in the forest.

Arguments for dying: I don’t know. If someone stole her name? Honourary title? I’m just making shit up for the sake of entertaining the notion, I feel like it’s basically canon that she’s alive.

Conclusion: She’s basically alive.

Coach Ben Scott

Arguments for dying: He is truly the last line between reason and madness, he can’t run anywhere and he’s eventually going to be surrounded by a bunch of cannibals who have some interesting notions about the roles of men in their survivalist society, also Misty could very possibly divert her energy from “loving” him to hating him and wanting to destroy him.

Arguments for surviving: It’d be kind of badass you know? Guy down one leg making it out + in a broader sense, having a gay disabled guy making it out to possibly try to get his life back would just be cool. There are ways he could survive if not every Yellowjacket succumbs to Lottie’s cult, and there could be an interesting narrative to tell about how people balance the worth of life in desperate situations. There are also potential stories one could tell about him in the present day narrative, a man who was closeted in 1996, who had this tragedy give him a chance to be defiant about that where he couldn’t be in so-called “normal” society… does he get that chance in 2021? Or is he as trapped by that crash as the girls, cut off from the potential joy of his queerness, and just as cut off from heterosexual society, because of his trauma? (Both?) I'm generally not a fan of "happens to be gay" plotlines, because it matters! And in this storyline it's been shown to matter in more ways than one, so I'd like that to not become "just" another death.

Conclusion: It’ll depend on the tone moving forwards. So far it doesn’t seem to be an entirely nihilistic depiction of violent breakdown of social norms (and has even critiqued some of those norms), and it’s dealt with death as a form of tragedy that desperately wants to be avoided for the most part. I think his death or survival has a good chance of cementing said tone as either relentlessly bleak or with a glimmer of hope. In my soul I want him to live, but there are versions of his death that could be done well, if we’re exploring tragedy through a purposefully queer lens (when it comes to him). Not everything is Bury Your Gays, but if you have a gay character like this, in this setting, that has to influence your writing, not just as a matter of sensitivity, but also just because it makes for better writing. Again, he could die and could die well! But he has to matter.

Van

Arguments for surviving: Speaking of queerness… it’s interesting that Taissa’s flashbacks and hallucinations appear very centred around the wolf-incident, which as we all know technically didn’t kill Van. I think if Van had died then Taissa miiiiight have had her narrative more centred around that instead (although, we do know Taissa is excellent at repression). The wolf-incident did however all but cement her belief in Lottie, so I think it's highly likely that she’s alive and the next seasons will continue to see crash!her and Taissa splitting apart as she chooses Lottie’s ways over their relationship – that is Taissa’s big loss and shame: She’s the one who suggested trying to find help, who got Van hurt (not really, but in her mind), who drove her to Lottie. Also I am so going to write another over-thinky post about the way queerness exists in this world in constant different forms of overt tension, but that is not this post!

Arguments for dying: Anyone could die I guess? Currently I don’t see a lot of narrative reason for it, especially considering she kind of already did, but that’s not to say that reasons couldn’t be forthcoming further down the line.

Conclusion: I think it’s highly likely that she’s still alive unless new evidence presents itself in the show. That being said, if she does die, everything that applies to coach applies here, with a dose of Lesbian Death Trope. It's a narrative with death, one cannot escape that, but a narrative has to bear in mind these lazy clichés.

Javi

Arguments for dying: Okay, so I realised as I was thinking about him that we never see any kind of funeral or anything for Travis. We also don’t see anyone trying to reach out to Javi to be like “heyyyy you ok?” Javi could easily be a sacrificial lamb in all this. As with coach being the last line between reason and madness – he’s the last line between innocence and evil, what with being the youngest and the one you’d most likely want to protect. So far Javi hasn’t functioned as subject of the story, so much as an object for Travis’ progression (it’s interesting then that we know for sure that Travis is the one who’s dead), and it’s very common to kill off that kind of a character for some thematic sads. It would definitely explain why Travis went completely off the deep end, although I’d argue the crash and following events make that make a lot of narrative sense already and it doesn't need compounding.

Arguments for surviving: There’s no narrative reason for him to survive… yet. That doesn’t mean it couldn’t appear, especially if Javi starts to become more of his own actual character. Getting to know his internal life could also be a hint that he’s being set up for slaughter to make us even sadder when it happens of course, writing is tricky like that. The biggest reason for survival is potential – his character could provide further emotional depth to present!Travis’ death, especially if they both made it out only for Travis to become an addict and pull away from him, leaving Javi floundering, and he could be an interesting POV for everything that’s going on both in the past and in the present.

Conclusion: If he remains in more of a thematic role, that boy is going for the chop. However I also wouldn’t be surprised if season two introduces adult Javi without any kind of fanfare. It’s too early to tell, but my gut leans slightly towards survival, especially as there are other background character who could be brought forward in season 2-onwards to kill instead of him, once a body count is needed... that being said someone has to die.

Akilah

Arguments for surviving: She’s pretty. And she’s got a good instinct. She feels like someone whose character we’ll likely explore more in the next season.

Arguments for dying: She’s not a main character, nor is she being set up for joining the cult (as of time of writing). She exists riiight in the sweet spot for death.

Conclusion: I lean just a little more towards dying… sorry, I love you.

Mari

Arguments for dying: Similar to Akilah, however I feel it even stronger for her, because she’s also not quite as capable in the wild. She’s not incapable like Jackie was, but I can see her being voted to be roasted.

Arguments for surviving: I think we’ll possibly explore her as well a little next season. She’s also a follower, so strong bet she’ll join cannibal cult if that’s the way the wind’s blowing.

Conclusion: Leaning a liiiittle harder on that “die” button than with Akilah.

Generally I don't see this as a show in the same vein as The Terror, in which the tragedy is that you know they all died, or GoT/The Walking Dead (later seasons) style "eVeRYoNe CaN DiE" lazy type storytelling, where they use death as an easy story device when a quick bit of pathos is needed.

It is a horror in the surface definition of it, but it's also very much a character drama and for that to happen the characters need to... not die all the time. That being said, of course more characters will die and quite likely at least one major named season 1 character (I say "quite likely" it's not definite, especially if the show wants to surprise us). If I had to choose one major season 1 character... oof, it's not looking good for Ben or for Javi.

What is interesting though is that when you look at major/secondary characters of season 1 there aren't a whole lot that aren't people we know make it out and two of those are dead. I think it's more likely that some background characters will come to the fore who are more vulnerable to death, than that current characters will go (at least in the 1996 setting).

Again, the character drama needs characters and it can't just keep bringing in new ones, because otherwise why did we care about the previous ones?

Conclusion: So far! Death matters. Apart from the initial dramatic crash (which only killed minor characters) and Adam (who I have a feeling will matter a lot in season 2) all the deaths have been central to the characters emotional journeys.

It's about the illusion of "everyone can die" while also allowing one to build journeys with the Main main characters. The only Main main character to actually die in the 1996 storyline of season 1 is Jackie.

#yellowjackets #ben scott #javi martinez #van palmer #lottie matthews #rambleramble

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kingfrumpkin · 3 years

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harrow & schizophrenia

i was asked to elaborate on my "harrow is schizophrenic" post and im more than happy to! i dont see this talked about a lot and it makes me sad & i hope theres more talk about it as time goes on

without further ado, here is harrow and her schizophrenia symptoms

the DSM-V outlines 5 symptoms of schizophrenia, which includes (1) hallucinations, (2) delusions, (3) disorganized speech (4) disorganized/catatonic behavior, and (5) negative symptoms. one only has to have 2 of these symptoms to get a diagnosis for schizophrenia, given they have lasted longer than 6 months and are not caused by drugs

let's go through these symptoms individually in regards to harrow:

1) hallucinations

there is no doubting that harrow suffers from hallucinations, as mentioned several many times throughout harrow the ninth. her hallucinations are mainly auditory (hearing doors close or people walking) and visual (the Body, hallucinating cythera's body, implied past hallucinations in her dream-river scape.) even in the first book there is evidence of harrows hallucinations, mainly when her and gideon are sneaking around hallways and have to stop constantly for "no reason", according to gideon

2) delusions

delusions are a little trickier to show examples of because the books are rarely from her POV, but i would consider her relationship with the Body a delusion. the Body has no special relationship to her and is incapable of feeling love to her, however harrow believes that they have this deep relationship. technically this could be considered a "religious hallucination" where "someone might think they have a special relationship with a deity" (WebMD). this delusion feeds into her hallucinations of the Body.

3) disorganized speech

harrow has no known disorganized speech patterns or confused thoughts. she has no problem talking/following trains of thoughts accurately

4) disorganized/catatonic behavior

this would be under the category of movement disorders in terms of schizophrenia which, again, is hard to gauge with everything that goes on in the books. however, there is one key line that mentions how harrow would lose track of time simply staring at/being with the body and waste hours doing this. if still at the time, this could be considered catatonic behavior. however, that is possibly a stretch

5) negative symptoms

negative symptoms is a little broad so let's break it down a little.

flattening: "When they talk, their voice can sound flat, like they have no emotions. They may not smile normally or show usual facial emotions in response to conversations or things happening around them" (WebMD)

we don't really have many descriptors of harrows inflection, or lack thereof, when speaking except when in moments of stress or upsetting circumstances, like with harrow witnessing the mercy/john/august sandwich. it could be said that harrow has a severe lack of facial expressions in response to normal day-to-day conversations

withdrawal/apathy: "This might include no longer making plans with friends or becoming a hermit. Talking to the person can feel like pulling teeth: If you want an answer, you have to really work to pry it out of them." (WebMD)

this is another obvious symptom that harrow has. she wants to work with no one and prefers to spend her times alone. she almost refuses to go to the dinner that magnus and abigail have and is uncomfortable the entire time. it is very hard to get answers out of her as well, as gideon is unable to do so and constantly gets frustrated with.

struggling with the basics of daily life: "They may stop bathing or taking care of themselves." (WebMD)

this is another obvious symptom. harrow rarely takes care of herself and has to be forced to.

other symptoms/schizophrenic behaviors

there are links between certain behaviors and schizophrenia that are worth going over, outside of the officially recognized symptoms

this section will be worked in examples of harrows behaviors

harrows rituals

rituals are important to harrow and is stressed in harrow the ninth. in flashbacks, she describes a series of rituals she practices and her strict adherence to them.

obsessive compulsive tendencies are found linked with schizophrenia in multiple cases. in an article in psychiatry MMC, several authors state: "Although OC symptoms in schizophrenia were once thought to occur rarely [...] recent studies have shown greater prevalence". case 1 of this article outlines a man with OCD-type rituals

harrow's paranoia

it is obvious harrow is a very paranoid person with her constant wards and sneaking around in the first house. paranoia is a symptom closely linked with schizophrenia, usually due to delusions/hallucinations

and at this point ive hit the character limit so UHHHH YEAH TY FOR READING

#harrow the ninth #harrowhark nonagesimus #gideon the ninth #locked tomb trilogy #the locked tomb #i hit tumblrs character limit so i couldnt put my works cited at the end :(

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rexscyarika · 3 years

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Ner Jetii

An angsty one shot between Rex and gender neutral Jedi reader. The reader is a Padawan but of age. It’s not stated who the reader’s master is or what battalion they serve with but, they talk of rescue and relief so Plo Koon and the 104th could be implied if you so please.

⚠️Mature audiences recommended⚠️

Warnings: Established romantic relationship between Rex and reader, so much angst, heavy survivor’s guilt and reader blaming themselves, reader losing their company in a seppie trap, descriptions of blood and death, dying words, past torture, ptsd flashbacks, hallucinations, mention of post Umbara trauma, mention of nightmares, reader self-harming in a way (using pain to drive their will and unconsciously punish themselves, self-destructing/over exertion, simile of falling through ice/drowning, implied capture and torture of reader, mention of capture and slavery in the beginning, fluff at the end, reader is so traumatized and paranoid, no y/n just pet names, small kiss at the end, reader needs a hug, reader gets that hug from Rex, comforting! Rex, Rex sings to you in Mando’a cause I’m a slut for that language. I hope that’s all 😭

Mando’a translations:

Cyare/cyar’ika: Darling/beloved/sweetheart

Mesh’la: Beautiful

Mando’ad: Mandalorian (lit “child of Mandalore”)

Vod/vode: brother/sister/comrade

Jetii: Jedi

Ner: My

Ret’urcye mhi: Goodbye (lit “maybe we’ll meet again)

Bal kote, durasuum kote: For glory, eternal glory

The lullaby lines are made up from a phrase of remembrance (translations are included by them)

It was just a relief mission. You were supposed to bring food and medical supplies to a remote outer rim system that had been effected by separatist blockades. An easy and simple mission, one to introduce shinies to life off Kamino. At least that’s what it was supposed to be. That was until you had led your company straight into a Seperatist trap. It turns out there were no citizens to help out, no citizens at all for that matter, those that were there had been captured and sold. It hadn’t been much of a fight, you were severely lacking in firepower and experienced soldiers. Sure as a Jedi you are worth a couple hundred battle droids but you can’t help your men when you’re engaging a highly dangerous Sith Lord. At least they had died fairly quickly with minimal suffering. That’s what you get when you have 10 battle droids for every trooper. They keep firing even after all are down. They don’t take prisoners, well not troopers anyway. Maybe it’s for the best for some of them, though. The shinies won’t have to see firsthand the effects of the war that has plagued the galaxy, or wake up trembling with the sound of blaster fire ringing through their ears at night. They will have died knowing nothing more than training exercises and stories from their vode. The others won’t have to mourn for lost vode anymore, they won’t have to worry about their place in the galaxy after the war. Not gone, merely marching away as the Mando’ad say. Marching away from endless battles and no choices for how they live their lives.

Yeah, it was for the best.

But, if that was the case why do their voices haunt you at night? Cry’s of “You could have saved us.” “We were so young.” “Please General I didn’t want to die this young.” and of course the one that nips at your brain 24/7, like a headache that won’t go away “You led us straight to them.”

You didn’t mean to. You’re loyal to the republic and your men. But you’re a Jedi right? You should’ve sensed it, the fact their was a handful of force signatures on a planet said to have billions of citizens and the presence of a Sith Lord for kriff’s sake. You could’ve sensed it. If only you had been been paying attention instead of laughing at stupid jokes with your men, those men same might still be alive.

The Jedi council had tried to reassure you

“A Padawan you still are and an experienced Sith Lord Dooku is. A fair fight it was not.”

“Dooku can mask his force signature, young one. It wasn’t your fault.”

“We cannot save everyone. We are Jedi not gods.”

But that didn’t stop the nagging at your heart. Nor did it stop the knowledge of why the separatists developed such a complex trap to eliminate such a small number of troopers. It was because of you. You had important separatist codes locked in your head, gathered from previous missions. They knew you would be easiest to get at because you were still a Padawan and worked primarily on rescue and relief missions. Missions with low firepower and minimal expectance for combat. Master Windu knew the same codes, but he is far too experienced for them to go after. If only you had trained more, longer, better. You think back to every night you snuck out to have some fun. If you had stayed and went over your studies maybe you could’ve saved them. You wouldn’t have had to hear the dying words of your Captain. Oh your sweet Captain. So loyal and eager since he was shiny right up until his last choked out battle cry of “Bal kote, darasuum kote. Ret’urcye mhi, vod.”.

Forever glory? Where was the glory in being led to a massacre by your Commanding Officer?

He had called you vod. A title reserved for their brothers and those they respected. You didn’t deserve that respect. You weren’t a comrade that had fought valiantly by their side, you were the person that was supposed to protect them, and you let them down. The Mando’a farewell directly translates to “maybe we’ll meet again.”. If there is an afterlife and if you did, you don’t think you could look them in the eyes.

The trauma supporters the council had directed you to talk to when you got back had told you these thoughts were normal. “Survivors guilt” they had called it. As the only survivor your brain tries to tell you it was your fault. But, you weren’t a trooper that had managed to survive. You were the commanding officer. They told you that didn’t matter, it wasn’t your fault.

You wish everyone would stop telling you that, as far as you’re concerned, it was. So you tried to do everything you could to never let that happen again. You brought experienced men on relief missions, ignoring their complaints of this being a shinies job and a waste of their experience. You spent your time either sleeping, eating, training or researching new strategies. Not that your sleeping actually involved much sleeping. It mostly consisted of tossing and turning, flashes of dead troopers and... him. His sickly grin as you writhed in pain under his tortures, the blood curdling laugh as you tried to escape. You’d heard stories of how sick the former Jedi was, but experiencing it was something else. Not just the torture but his presence. Dark, looming and cold. Like falling through ice into cold water. Trapped and desperate to escape.

Every slightly negative feeling that leaked from your fellow Jedi made you freeze. He’s here, you’d think, or that Jedi has turned. So you walked around on eggshells, constantly wary and vigilant of any potential threats. Even now as you focused on the punching bag in front of you were scanning, reaching out with the force to sense any threats. It was becoming exhausting, so you opted to let pain drive your will. Not even bothering to wrap your hands as you threw punches at the bag. Your fists began to slide off the bag on account of your blood staining it red. But you didn’t stop, truthfully you didn’t even feel the pain at this point. You couldn’t tell if the red on your hands was your own or the memories of fallen troopers’.

“I should’ve fought harder.”

You hit the bag with a powerful right hook.

“They’d still be alive if I had”

You opted for a jab.

“I led them straight into that trap.”

Your cross didn’t consist of much technique, just rage and power.

The same time you heard the door to the training room being opened you felt an icy breath near your ear. “The pain will end if you just give me the codes.”

“Never!” You snarled, whirling around and summoning your lightsaber from your belt. Immediately igniting it and pointing it to face the Sith Lord. I look of poor malice fell across your face, a mask to hide the fear.

You were met by a startled trooper, his wraps falling from his hands and his body moving into an instinctive defensive stance.

It took you a second to realize there was no danger, your eyes raking behind him to ensure of such. You disengaged your lightsaber and dropped to your knees with shaky breaths.

“I thought your were him, Rex, I thought he’d found me.” You sobbed into your hands, flinching as you felt a hand on your back.

“It’s okay Cyare, you’re safe, I’ve got you.”

You let him pull you into his lap. He gently grabbed your hand with his, careful to avoid the raw patches that were still oozing blood. His other hand stayed on your back to rub soothing circles and pull you tight to him. He held you as sobs wracked your body, his lips by your hairline, whispered assurances coming from them.

He started to hum softly before they turned to words. It was a Mando’a lullaby, one sung to grieving vod after a loss. You didn’t know many of the words, your knowledge of the language not extending much past the nicknames Rex would call you. It was still comforting though, his voice soft as he ran a hand through your hair.

“Ni su’cuyi, gar kyr’adyc.”

You realized you recognized what he was singing. You heard it whispered from the lips of troopers as their vode mourned. Rex had told you the meanings of some of the lines. (“I’m still alive, but you are dead.”)

“Ni partayli, gar darasuum” he continued humming. (“I remember you so you are eternal.”)

Your sobs slowly turned to sniffles as you sat there with him. Feeling a small sense of comfort and security for the first time in weeks. Relishing in the feeling of being in his arms.

“Cyar’ika.” He had whispered when you had finally gone silent, your breaths coming even and deep now. He brought the hand from your hair to your cheek, gently encouraging you to look at him. “Are you with me, little one?”

You nodded and blinked up at him with swollen eyes. You whispered a thank you as you searched his face. It was soft yet slightly taught with worry. His eyes were sparkling with held back tears, and his mouth was turned up into a small, comforting smile. He looked so young yet so old at the same time. His soft features having been hardened from war and loss, scars from injuries his helmet couldn’t protect from laying here and there. Yet, even after years as a soldier in a war he had no say in he was still so compassionate. He wasn’t cold and unforgiving like some had become. He sat there with care and worry in his eyes, looking at you like you were his whole world. Even broken and bleeding he stayed with you. If you crumbled then he would pick up the pieces and put you back together, just as you have with him. You had been there for him, calming him down from nightmares of Umbara. You had taken his broken heart and sewed it back together with care.

So, he would do the same for you.

“I’m sorry.” You mumbled towards him.

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Mesh’la.”

“But I do-“

He cut you off by bringing his lips gently to yours and sealing them in a gentle kiss.

He pulled away to rest his forehead in yours.

“No you don’t, ner jetii. Not to me, not to anyone.”

He moved to stand up, still holding onto you to support you as you stood on shaky legs.

“Let’s get you to the medbay.” He gestured to your hands once he deemed you stable enough to be able to walk.

You nodded to him and accepted his arm around your waist, your own moving to seek support on his shoulder. You made your way to the medbay, averting your eyes from curious glances at your state. You knew no one would question or mock you. Not with Rex there, his gaze flaming with warning at anyone that looked your way. You still had a lot to get through. You knew more blood and tears would be shed. That voice would continue nagging in your head and you’d still see your fallen company in your dreams. But, it would get better, you had Rex to talk you down and hold you during those times. You had done that for him and you knew he would do the same for you.

His Jetii.

#Rex x reader #gender neutral reader #no y/n #Rex x reader angst #Rex x reader fluff #I just wanna give that man a hug #also the reader cuase they need it omg #this was gonna be slight angst that led to smut to help reader forget but I got carried away #I’m not projecting ur projecting

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