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#beyond yknow. centering women
clonerightsagenda · 1 year
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"what if you had a mutual aid network that occasionally told interdimensional monsters to fuck off": Discworld witches as a concept
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ludinusdaleth · 10 months
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on a similar note, i do think that there's a lot of people that are just outright evil towards the female characters moreso in this campaign than ever before, with people literally demonizing imogen for so much as breathing in laudna's direction as being an evil, toxic, heartless abuser and "worse than delilah". and people notably didn't care at all about ashton until they realized they could ship them with laudna and further make out imogen to be a monster.
i cant say that this is the worst it's been, historically. the way keyleth/marisha was treated for years was probably the most notable, gruesome, & well known example of misogyny in the fanbase, something that affected marisha ray personally and still does - iirc, part of beau directly spun from her willingness to spite her detractors. many a reddit incel would not shut up about every detail of marisha's rp as the druid. i appreciate that cr responded to that over the years narratively as spitefully as possible.
but, yeah, i think, especially on tumblr, there are some odd attitudes at work. imogen, fearne, & deanna are taking the full brunts of it -
deanna is called evil or disappointing for not being a shining cleric of holy goodness praising the gods bluntly to the screen, and is dehumanized by fans by being put into the mammy stereotype whenever she talks to imogen, even when her plotline is literally centered on realizing she's more than a nurturer (and aabria has liked my tweets on this subject, so maybe, we can assume she shares bitterness at this?). almost no one ever wants to acknowledge her beyond the trait of being motherly, or being lovers with chetney, and dont get me started on how people said she was feral because she killed a goat and made imogen cry?
fearne is treated as a ditzy kooky bimbo fae, with many people ive seen refusing to acknowledge any of her character development - folk get angry when ive mentioned her doing anything, saying shes just a selfish bitch and only that, that she needs to be "put in her place" by any character witnessing her mischief.
and for imogen - i know people dont want to woobify her, but in the process, holy fuck does cr tumblr become judgemental. i have seen, verbatim: "sorry she isnt your girlboss and her actions will hurt others when she turns evil", said pre-solstice, and then, she wasnt. her tendency toward her darker powers and her considering ludinus's pov (yknow. like many a protagonist tries to see the antagonist's pov. thats normal in narratives) because her mother joined him has damned her into the fandom thinking she's a beast to be put down. frankly, even if she did turn evil? id support that narratively, that's fantastic. but she didn't and there is a smugness to the fact that she is now the most clear headed against ludinus when people were sure she would turn, and wanted blood on that assumption.
as for ashton, yeah. i.... have a lot of thoughts on how fandom treats them - they definitely were treaded around til shipping began and only then they were considered palateable, and then were noticeably only called he/him pronouns by the terfs of the marisha/laura-ship brigade. if im being honest, i have not seen them directly used against imogen, and i dont think im the person to discuss imodna or shipping wars with you. but i do think every other bells member is utilized as some kind of cudgel against her (namely, in my experience, orym). to this fanbase, imogen is not allowed to have her traumas in the literal face of ruidis, the source of it.
i know this harsh simpleminded view on the ladies of cr has always existed. i could go into it in every campaign thoroughly. but i do think c3 is unique in how tumblr is treating it. do you know how badly you have to screw up for cr twitter to be calmer & more rational on the topic of women existing in a narrative?
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uuuuuugh0-0 · 10 months
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There's such a deepset paranoia among a lot of transmasc scenes that transmasc people will just Be Seen As Women, alongside a total unwillingness to analyze gendered position and power dynamics outside of a western cis feminist framework with a few words swapped out (e.g. trans dudes who complain about ~sexual harassment~ when they get unsolicited dick pics on Grindr. Boy why u on the dick pic app if ur gonna freak out about dick pics?)
That's one of the really frustrating things about ~transandrophobia~ to me, like there is a legit reason for cafab trans people to do gender hierarchy analysis, transphobia is a thing, but instead we get "oh do you know transmisogyny? Well now there's a boy version and a genderqueer version and-". And I get that like, transandrophobia generally functions to refuse trans women the ability to talk about unique and distinct patterns of oppression that are not adequately analyzed through other lenses; and absolutely some people are doing this intentionally but will never admit that so it makes sense to just treat as hostile.
I'd hazard a guess that large swaths of cafab trans people generally are unwilling to engage in the kind of analysis I would like to see discussed bc of the aforementioned refusing to abandon cisfeminism thing--because that would involve acknowledging that victim narratives go beyond oppression analysis into a way in which cafab people are permitted to wield gendered power, and the paranoia about being ~just seen as women~ means ppl call bioessentialism when you try to talk about connections between cis women wielding gendered power thru victimhood narratives in broader society & cafab trans people doing the same within trans scenes... When actually yknow kind of a major thing about trans people's gendered position in society is that we are seen as other and yknow mayhaps A Reason you see so many cafab trans ppl wielding transmisogyny is that being trans does in fact other us from cis female power in broader society and ppl will often seek and wield power in the ways that r available to them
Idk that last bit is a fucking Mess and I don't think actually says what im trying to say. Mostly like, power structure analysis =/= inherent victimhood and ~privilege~ frameworks are actually an extremely shitty way to analyze power hierarchies...and a lot of my transmasc peers did start towards gender exploration from a place of being centered in feminism and social justice culture and I think a lot of people like, never actually had a significant reason to make a legitimate ideological break from those, so you get victimhood, performative self-flagellation as an attempt to distance oneself from ~privilege~ in a way that helps nobody, aaaaaand usually it's a mix of both
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mspaintp7ague · 1 month
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quite thankful i dont have a lot of dysphoria cause my mom thinks hrt will give me heart problems or some shite 😐 like bitch please you do realize cis men just have that much t and don't go around dropping dead right
my doctor is chill on the whole thing she's just bein weird. there's a trans health center pretty close to us but nooo she doesn't want to go there and check out the actual medical resources and opinions on the matter. oh and she's also antivax but just for the covid vaccine. yes i am still not vaxxed for covid fml
tldr. im gonna be Busy after i turn 18
fr tho she really is just being stupid. i don't ever want children so idgaf about losing my fertility. idgaf if it would actually kill me tbh the world is going to shit anyway and i doubt i'm gonna amount to anything. thing is literally no one thinks hrt kills you. she needs to get off chinese 4chan fr
she lets me do what i want for the most part but is annoyingly stupid about certain things. yeah i don't like the government either but the vaccine that millions of people have taken is not going to give me cancer in ten years. she fr thinks people will start dropping dead eventually and "we just need to wait to see the long term effects" the mrna is reabsorbed in like. three weeks. how do you have this little critical thinking / trust in science
and she thinks men and women genuinely have biological differences to the point that gendered razors are actually important and you need a dick to wear boxers. fuck off mom let me buy some swim trunks. the razors i could care less about tbh cause she pays for them but still
ughh. kinda glad i'll probably commute to college cause rooming with someone would probably get awkward in several ways.
she also doesn't seem to believe in mental illness. which. while im self diagnosing and mostly guessing at what's wrong with me i am about 100% certain i have trichotillomania (hair pulling compulsion) because. yknow i fucking do that and have a giant bald patch on my head. and she will just be like "why don't you just stop?" and "use some self control" etc. recently i've decided to just stop showing her my hair (i wear a hat a lot) because it really just makes me feel worse and it's not her fucking business. she keeps asking anyway but i'm just gonna keep telling her no until it grows back. she literally can't do anything to help and only makes me feel worse about it
another thing i'm less sure about is the possible cyclothymia / mild bipolar i may have. i mentioned it to her and she thinks it's just mood swings, which, it might be, but this has been happening for a long time. so much in fact that i've projected it onto my ocs. plague as a character started off as a 'normal' mask of myself but gb (who was based off my irl appearance but. whiter) had two characterizations that i swapped between inconsistently. can u guess what they were. yeah. depressed/apathetic and extremely manic, deranged even. looking back i see the patterns of depression and extreme interest in media/characters/other stuff i've had. even if i would hide it irl i'd have weeks where i stayed up until 3 or 4 multiple days in a row just because i couldn't stop playing a game or reading or i just had this amazing idea and i have to write/draw it right now or i will explode. sleep is for the weak. etc. and then i'll have weeks where i can't look any of my teachers in the eye and am too tired of caring to shower or do laundry or anything beyond the bare minimum chores and wake up in the morning skip breakfast and walk to the bus stop contemplating if it's worth it to still be alive. at least when i'm excited i'll do essential stuff just so i can get back to the fixation again. it's so fucking stupid. "yeah sorry i havent worked on my essay in six weeks because i was too busy doing random shit and/or thinking about dying but was too pussy to actually do anything sorry"
that and the anxiety spirals. those were pretty bad for a while. like. someone told me they wanted to play games with me and i said yes. then they didn't reply for forty minutes and i just. kept thinking i did something wrong or misunderstood their message or otherwise fucked up but turns out they just forgot they messaged me. haha. yeah totally normal reaction there plague.
i can't tell if there's something seriously wrong with me or not but i don't want to tell my therapist about it because i don't want to get institutionalized or something. and my mom is anti medication too. yippee. maybe it's too much to hope some drug will make me stop having days where i can't fucking do anything for literally no reason but i don't know how to fix myself otherwise.
oh and i mentioned to my mom very vaguely a time where i overshared some suicidal thoughts and proceeded to spiral for like 5 hours straight over getting no response and ultimately dipped from a friend group for a while and now she wants to know the details. i literally told you i didn't even tell my therapist the whole story what gives you the right to know? huh?
i don't know if i'm normal. i feel like i'm not but i might just be overreacting and being edgy. i also have definitely have experienced impostor syndrome about several things in the past so i clearly can't trust my own judgement on either thing.
i also don't think i love my family. they don't really matter that much to me anymore. i think i felt something for them when i was younger but it's just not there anymore. my mom simply does not understand a lot of things and i think i see her on the same level as a friend, maybe. we talk and spend time civilly but there is nothing deeper there on my end. i've tried explaining it to her but i don't think she gets it. i really feel nothing more for her than for my school friends.
my siblings i've never been very close to anyway. i don't feel like i can talk to either of them about much anymore. with brother i can sometimes but i only reference certain stuff through jokes. yeah look at this funny stan blog i made for this vtuber that i've been thinking about nonstop for the last two weeks because i can't tell the difference between a crush, admiration, gender envy and aesthetic appreciation of his avatar. i'm so silly and not mentally ill at all.
there's no one who's an appropriate audience for this huh. ok. mental illness blog it is
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serpentsapple · 4 years
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(This post includes major spoilers for The Grisha Trilogy and the Shades of Magic series.)
@dykeblight replied to our introductory post with the following:
alright bud since u decided to put this in the main tags of the books ur critiquing ur ready to hear my take on this. first of all the wording in this post is pretentious as hell and it bothered me all thru out reading it. second of all, let’s lay some shit down: the only books ive read discussed in this post are adsom and tgt, and while i agree that tgt isn’t the most radically feminist book series out there, i have to ask: why are u focused on women writing this? why is this post generalizing
horrible male authors but name dropping female ones? alinas journey was largely about her realizing that she could make her own choices. about her not needing to be queen or supreme ruler or some shit. about how she could literally settle down with the worlds most boring dude and still be happy. anyways, beyond that: adsom. first of all, whenever someone pulls the “not like other girls” card for lila, i have to pull the “she’s genderfluid” card. it wasn’t Explicitly stated in the series, and v
has expressed regret for that, so it’s probably going to be more obvious in the next series. also, adsom is very much a period piece. you couldn’t be a woman in the early nineteenth century doing what lila did without like, yknow, *not being a woman.* the threat she got on that first ship— a period piece! if it was a male author, then that’s gross. but it’s not, a woman wrote it! lila also proceeded to burn the whole goddamn ship down. sometimes authors don’t want to write traditionally feminine
characters!!! sometimes women want to write about what THEY can relate to! and ve schwab, as a queer woman, probably did that. so now we come back to the question of WHY are you calling out only female authors for this? you could have accomplished the same goal by just including books and authors that you deemed Respectable. not to be that bitch, but there was literally no reason for you to post this lmfao. i think we should first tackle the issue that is men having access to keyboards, and
maybe then we can broaden our horizons by critiquing everything women do thats decidedly not perfect.                            
We created this blog to discuss these topics, so we welcome other opinions and interpretations!
To reiterate our goal and perhaps clarify... male authors already receive enough publicity and analysis - to the point they eclipse, at times, their female peers, even when it comes to writing female characters. How wonderful of them to treat fictional women as fellow human beings! (How shameless of others to treat them as their personal sexual fantasy!) Yet we would like to hear what women have to say about themselves. It is why we focus exclusively on their works.
Furthermore, we believe these works as worthy of analysis as any text written by a man. And it is precisely because of this conviction - their books potentially as grandiose, as mediocre as any man’s - that we will not refrain from criticising them. To treat them differently would be implicitly agreeing with the notion they aren’t as intellectually engaging as men’s writings.
Moreover, we are not advocating for “feminist” books from women. In fact, we dislike this qualifier: too often misattributed, rarely useful, always commercial. We desire convincing female characters, as talented as they are flawed, as just as they can be immoral. Thus, while we have grown tired of uncreative, unnecessary sexism in fantasy, we are not expecting perfect little militants in every story. We expect to be moved and stunned, to be left inspired or reflecting on what we read.
I hope this has cleared up our intent with the blog. Now, for the specific series discussed...
While I could see this be Bardugo’s aim for Alina’s journey, I disagree with it being well executed. Narratively speaking, I do not think Alina was treated fairly and was able to make true choices. Throughout all three books, Alina remained unobservant and somewhat self-centered, never challenging the affirmations of others and instead regarding them as truth. Let’s take the example of the Darkling: she accepts his supposed initial good intentions and views him, to the very end, as some kind of lost and anguished “boy”. Yet that isn’t what the text shows - on the contrary, the Darkling is a hollow character that spent centuries sitting on his behind, doing nothing for his fellow Grisha. Alina is never given the chance to realise this and reevalute what happened to her.
Beyond this, I feel like Alina’s journey was contrived from the start. Bardugo does not allow her to see beyond the words of others, nor does she allow her to actually grow. Alina’s crush on Mal and her fixation on remaining with him - despite him disliking what she is! - stems from a child’s anxiety and solitude. Instead of becoming her own woman, making her own choices and yes, having to face losing relationships, Alina regresses to the safety of her childhood, powerless and normal, just like Mal. Let us remember that, to remain with him, she sealed her powers within herself, endangering her health! So symbolically, it is a slap in the face: just when she embraced her powers - meaning letting go of her fears, of Mal -, she loses it all and go back to square one.
This is why I don’t find Alina’s journey satisfying. Even if it hurts, I wish to see female characters confronted to their fears and their flaws, and grow from them*. That is not what we witnessed with Alina. And: why is it that female characters must be “depowered”? Why does the Darkling (and Ilya Morozova) get to keep his immense powers, must live with his guilt, yet Alina loses every and any scrap of magic? Why is she punished for her greed so much, when she hardly is the greediest? (This echoes also Genya’s “punishment”, so heavily tied to her being a beautiful woman and beauty being, in Bardugo’s world, a key quality for women. Nikolai’s monstruous transformation is cruel but never specifically targeted at his sex.)
Why is it female characters only whose “happy” ending involve going back to their boyfriend’s house, complete with potential children? In a fantasy world, is it the best we can offer to these characters? Why does “making her own choice” usually involve them being unambitious and - I am barely caricaturing - happy housewives? Where are the female characters being greedy, powerful to the point of madness, and fascinatingly ruthless? Where are the genius, the good but scheming inventors and princesses? Where are the female Darklings and the female Nikolais?
Yes, it may not be Alina’s story and that’s alright. But reading the story she received, I could not help wondering: is it truly her story, or is it her story in a narrative unfair to women?
As for Lila... what Schwab stated confusingly in interviews or twitter threads cannot be used to analyse the text itself, though it may help. In this case, it holds a very different perspective from what she may affirm outside of it, so let’s keep close to what she wrote.
I disagree that it is a period piece. Her series is firmly set in a fantasy version of our world, with four alternate but equally real Londons, and with interactions between them that differentiate her England from ours. She chose to keep this England similar to ours, so the departure from it could be obvious; she chose, again, to have Lila threatened with rape by sailors even in Red London, her full invention. She chose, still, to never mention the miserable reality of lots of poor women like Lila in our England - namely, prostitution. She picked what suited her, as authors do, yet could not come up with any other plot than sexual assault. That she is a woman does not excuse her utter lack of imagination on that front! I find the notion that female characters are condemned to sexual threats depressing, on top of insulting towards authors who still strive to be creative.
And this is all ignoring what Schwab forced her other female characters to endure, which is sexual slavery, somewhat coerced pregnancies and social isolation, plus being sexist caricatures and butchered so men could be sad about it. In that context, what is Schwab exactly saying about women, if even her heroine is misogynistic and desperately trying to escape this reality? If Lila isn’t a woman - which she is in the text, she never denies being one, she only affirms being different, meaning a full human being! -, does that mean women’s place is in caricature and distress and death? If she is, then must they reject their womanhood and deride other women to be in the spotlight?
And this is all, again, ignoring that Schwab who, yes, admitted wanting to write a female character she wished to see in fiction, that resembled her... had Lila’s whole development derailed in favour of male characters. Lila’s ambition and excessiveness vanished in a third book dedicated to temptation! Lila’s anger and recklessness receded in front of Holland, all so we could learn about his sad backstory. Which involved, as salt to the wound, the stereotypes of a greedy girlfriend and the ever failing mother Schwab is so fond of.
Our post never suggested that women should not write non traditionally feminine women. Rather, that would be quite refreshing! I would love to read about these women that we hardly see.
Is it what Schwab wrote, though? Lila indeed crossdresses and appears androgynous enough to sometimes pass as a man (not always, in a manner that is most convenient to the author). Yet: she constantly mocks other women for being vapid, gossiping, feminine, in a word weak. Yet: Schwab has her, in the second book, attend a ball dressed femininely and feeling insecure about it, all to state she is - quoting! - “not most girls” and have Kell, her love interest, compliments her. She has the happy tomboy reaffirmed as able to be feminine and beautiful that way! How is that not depressing for every woman and girl who never want to be feminine? Why did Schwab choose to have her in a dress instead of a suit, like Lila would probably have preferred? Why did Schwab choose to strictly divide women and men into two categories, dress-wearing and not-dress-wearing? Why is Lila alone in her plight as an androgynous woman? Why didn’t this fantasy world have women and men dressed in a way they felt comfortable with?
This isn’t a period piece. Schwab was free to make that choice... and she did not. I would add, too, that women in real life have always struggled and fought against misogyny. They were women and they were still complex human beings and they still tried to live as comfortably as they could. Sometimes they failed, yes, because society wouldn’t want them to. But women like Lila have existed, and behaved like her, and dressed like her, and dreamed as big as her. Why should not we expect as much of fiction, then?
Sidenote: I am especially critical of that awful “tomboy turns into a lady” trope that fandom will seize it and run. It is disheartening to see countless edits and fanarts of Lila depicting her as feminine instead of androgynous as she was written, and often in feminine clothing at that. So if even the narrative later ends up confirming it...
*Or perhaps spiral down, willingfully blind. Alina’s story isn’t supposed to be a tragedy, however, so this does not apply here.
(If you don’t mind, I would like to hear why you found the post’s wording pretentious?)
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thatonedragonboy · 4 years
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OC Talk - Welun Pt.1, About
Anon wanted every question from this post for Welun, so... 
Here we go :D 
1. Briefly Describe your OC: Appearance, personality, role in a story, etc..
Welun is a halfdragon, [height tbd, redesign just happened a while ago] somewhat on the shorter end. Her skin and short fur are dark, shifting from dark silver/brown, true black to nearly midnight blue. Her eyes are a light bronze color. She’s built athletically, trim with subtle muscle definition.
Welun is curious by nature, but cautious. She has a gift for strategic thinking, and her brother is the only person to win against her in board games.
She’s one of the oldest main characters of mine, soon after the start of the story she meets Sol, in a situation that initiates further events in the story. She and Sol are kinda stuck together and don’t get along very well at first, but a rough winter helps them start to get along, and eventually realize mutual feelings between the two of them (I promise the story isnt centered around that but it is an important plot point).
2. Briefly describe their backstory/childhood
Welun’s been mostly on her own since her early pre/teen years, sometimes travelling with groups for short periods of time and living nomadically. She lost her mother and brother for several years before finally being reunited in her early 20s. She’s very used to survival living, skilled at hunting and reading situations in split seconds.
3. What is the world they come from like?
The universe is a modern but divergent Earth, mammalian dragons and humans both exist with a shaky history, dragons having appeared long after humans had been established as the dominant species on Earth. At the point of the story it’s been a couple centuries since the dragons appeared, but only a decade or so since the halfdragon population started expanding beyond tall tales or word of mouth from human witnesses. They’ve become a somewhat new population that are still often shunned in many places. (I can expand more in later posts)
4. Describe their family life and friends.
Welun is used to living on her own at the beginning of the story. She is thrown off but is ultimately happier when family, biological and found, falls into her lap.
5. Are they original or exist in a certain fandom?
She is original! She’s an older character of mine, been around a few years, since junior year of high school if im remembering right (2013-14, i may also be wrong and she’s older than that)
6. Are they an introvert or extrovert?
She’s relatively introverted, but is more than capable of commanding attention when she wants to. Maybe ambivert?
7. Greatest fear?
She regularly has nightmares, often involving drowning or being attacked by dogs/general feel of being hunted
8. What’s their sense of humor like?
Surprisingly dirty and sometimes dark sense of humor, but at the right moments she can crack up at increasingly ridiculous things, often playfully poking fun at Sol or Kyr, her twin brother.
9. Favorite pieces of fiction or genres they enjoy?
Welun honestly isn’t much of a reader, but she does enjoy reading about historical events and can do so for hours at a time.
10. Favorite music genres?
She loves music she can relax to, usually acoustic guitar with minimal lyrics
11. Describe their vision of a perfect spouse, if applicable.
Honestly hard to think of besides just Sol, once they get used to each other
12. Largest regret?
[pre-main story] That’s a story plot so I shan’t go into detail but it involves not staying after being told to escape ;)
13. Something your OC would say?
Does a ‘i told you so’ facial expression count? Bc that happens a lot
14. Whats their morality like?
Hard to explain honestly. She has no issues with man things, though harm, especially when not essential, she hates.
15. Would they live in a city, rural area, or suburb?
Welun absolutely prefers rural areas
16. Which actor would you like to portray your OC? (Or a voice actor)
No idea tbh. Haven’t really thought of that
17. Sexuality? Gender Identity?
She/her, cisgender woman, straight (as far as I know anyway lmao)
I think Welun is the only cishet main character of mine… like Sol comes off as straight a lot but he is not (bisexual, usually prefering women but yknow (he’s also pretty sure he’s cis and presents masculine but generally thinks of gender as weird altogether)) 
18. What inspired you to make this character?
She just… kinda happened i guess? A story idea just appeared with these two and a couple more in the center and now i have three if not four stories growing in the same universe
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mspaintp7ague · 1 month
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quite thankful i dont have a lot of dysphoria cause my mom thinks hrt will give me heart problems or some shite 😐 like bitch please you do realize cis men just have that much t and don't go around dropping dead right
my doctor is chill on the whole thing she's just bein weird. there's a trans health center pretty close to us but nooo she doesn't want to go there and check out the actual medical resources and opinions on the matter. oh and she's also antivax but just for the covid vaccine. yes i am still not vaxxed for covid fml
tldr. im gonna be Busy after i turn 18
fr tho she really is just being stupid. i don't ever want children so idgaf about losing my fertility. idgaf if it would actually kill me tbh the world is going to shit anyway and i doubt i'm gonna amount to anything. thing is literally no one thinks hrt kills you. she needs to get off chinese 4chan fr
she lets me do what i want for the most part but is annoyingly stupid about certain things. yeah i don't like the government either but the vaccine that millions of people have taken is not going to give me cancer in ten years. she fr thinks people will start dropping dead eventually and "we just need to wait to see the long term effects" the mrna is reabsorbed in like. three weeks. how do you have this little critical thinking / trust in science
and she thinks men and women genuinely have biological differences to the point that gendered razors are actually important and you need a dick to wear boxers. fuck off mom let me buy some swim trunks. the razors i could care less about tbh cause she pays for them but still
ughh. kinda glad i'll probably commute to college cause rooming with someone would probably get awkward in several ways.
she also doesn't seem to believe in mental illness. which. while im self diagnosing and mostly guessing at what's wrong with me i am about 100% certain i have trichotillomania (hair pulling compulsion) because. yknow i fucking do that and have a giant bald patch on my head. and she will just be like "why don't you just stop?" and "use some self control" etc. recently i've decided to just stop showing her my hair (i wear a hat a lot) because it really just makes me feel worse and it's not her fucking business. she keeps asking anyway but i'm just gonna keep telling her no until it grows back. she literally can't do anything to help and only makes me feel worse about it
another thing i'm less sure about is the possible cyclothymia / mild bipolar i may have. i mentioned it to her and she thinks it's just mood swings, which, it might be, but this has been happening for a long time. so much in fact that i've projected it onto my ocs. plague as a character started off as a 'normal' mask of myself but gb (who was based off my irl appearance but. whiter) had two characterizations that i swapped between inconsistently. can u guess what they were. yeah. depressed/apathetic and extremely manic, deranged even. looking back i see the patterns of depression and extreme interest in media/characters/other stuff i've had. even if i would hide it irl i'd have weeks where i stayed up until 3 or 4 multiple days in a row just because i couldn't stop playing a game or reading or i just had this amazing idea and i have to write/draw it right now or i will explode. sleep is for the weak. etc. and then i'll have weeks where i can't look any of my teachers in the eye and am too tired of caring to shower or do laundry or anything beyond the bare minimum chores and wake up in the morning skip breakfast and walk to the bus stop contemplating if it's worth it to still be alive. at least when i'm excited i'll do essential stuff just so i can get back to the fixation again. it's so fucking stupid. "yeah sorry i havent worked on my essay in six weeks because i was too busy doing random shit and/or thinking about dying but was too pussy to actually do anything sorry"
that and the anxiety spirals. those were pretty bad for a while. like. someone told me they wanted to play games with me and i said yes. then they didn't reply for forty minutes and i just. kept thinking i did something wrong or misunderstood their message or otherwise fucked up but turns out they just forgot they messaged me. haha. yeah totally normal reaction there plague.
i can't tell if there's something seriously wrong with me or not but i don't want to tell my therapist about it because i don't want to get institutionalized or something. and my mom is anti medication too. yippee. maybe it's too much to hope some drug will make me stop having days where i can't fucking do anything for literally no reason but i don't know how to fix myself otherwise.
oh and i mentioned to my mom very vaguely a time where i overshared some suicidal thoughts and proceeded to spiral for like 5 hours straight over getting no response and ultimately dipped from a friend group for a while and now she wants to know the details. i literally told you i didn't even tell my therapist the whole story what gives you the right to know? huh?
i don't know if i'm normal. i feel like i'm not but i might just be overreacting and being edgy. i also have definitely have experienced impostor syndrome about several things in the past so i clearly can't trust my own judgement on either thing.
i also don't think i love my family. they don't really matter that much to me anymore. i think i felt something for them when i was younger but it's just not there anymore. my mom simply does not understand a lot of things and i think i see her on the same level as a friend, maybe. we talk and spend time civilly but there is nothing deeper there on my end. i've tried explaining it to her but i don't think she gets it. i really feel nothing more for her than for my school friends.
my siblings i've never been very close to anyway. i don't feel like i can talk to either of them about much anymore. with brother i can sometimes but i only reference certain stuff through jokes. yeah look at this funny stan blog i made for this vtuber that i've been thinking about nonstop for the last two weeks because i can't tell the difference between a crush, admiration, gender envy and aesthetic appreciation of his avatar. i'm so silly and not mentally ill at all.
there's no one who's an appropriate audience for this huh. ok. mental illness blog it is
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