#because naturally we had to get real niche about it
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This redraw meme is going around and I did it with blorbos from my (live stage performance) shows
#because naturally we had to get real niche about it#my first Kooza fanart in months and it’s this LOL#god I still love the Trickster though I just needed the right context to draw them#and that was apparently this#also Munk my beloved#this is mostly 98 Munk with a dash of Auler’s makeup#Cirque du Soleil#Cirque du Soleil Trickster#Kooza#Trickster#Cats the Musical#Cats fanart#Munkustrap#my art#my friend pointed out that there are a surprising number of similarities between Munk and the Trickster in design and role in their shows#and like actually yeah?? it’s wild#oh to be a handsome dignified graceful stripey narrator character#and then to end up in this meme LOL
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SOUR.
Art Donaldson x Reader (Patrick Zweig x Reader) | SORRY series | 4.2k words
it’s finally here by popular demand. Patrick has entered the plot. this is set before all of the prior chapters, two days before the Donaldson wedding. can be read as part of the SORRY SERIES (read more episodes of their lives here) or on its own. lemme know if you’d like to be on the taglist.
warnings: 18+. angst. it’s brutal angst. more than allusions to Patrick’s canonical use of hard drugs. rehab, allusion to an OD, mention of Art’s disordered eating patterns. they’re bad for each other in a good way. the Donaldsons have a friendly dog. coveting another man’s wife. discussion of niche sexual fantasies. making out. biting. tornados/extreme weather. running away from your problems.
“Art?”
“Nngh.”
“Artie, wake up.”
“‘M up. Fhhh… ‘m up. What’s the matter?” Art grumbled with half shut eyes. “Somethin’ wrong?” He whispered even though they were alone. It was nighttime which meant whispering to Art.
“I don’t like this storm.”
What a sign that storm should have been.
Art smirked. “We’re getting married in, like, three days and you’re worried about the weather?”
“There’s a tornado warning. Or watch. Whichever the worse one is. I saw it on the news.”
Art frowned. “You ever been through a tornado?”
“No.”
Art rolled over from his position in [Y/N]’s arms to face her nose to nose. “I have. A lot. Close your eyes,” he commanded softly. His arm slotted into the dip of her waist and pulled her closer. “Close ‘em for me. That’s it, that’s it.” He coaxed as she followed his directions.
“I don’t see what this has to do with—“
“Shh, listen,” they both got quiet. Rain pelted against the windows. Wind whistled. Branches cracked and crunched. Thunder boomed. [Y/N] could see the gleam of lightning even behind her eyelids. “Hear it?”
“Which part?”
“All of it.”
“Yeah.”
“Great. Congrats. Your ears are workin’ best as they can,” Art teased to try and get his fiancé to crack a smile. “Now, which one’s the loudest? Which of the sounds?”
“You breathing.”
“I’m flattered. Which one outside?”
[Y/N] listened. “Right now? The rain, I think.”
“We’re in the clear for now. Let me know when the wind’s louder. Like that real, real crazy whooshing, whistling sound. When it starts whipping like that, we’ll go in the bathroom and lock the doors, yeah? Hell, we can head in now if it would make you feel better?”
“What if I fall asleep before the weather gets worse?”
“Don’t worry, I’ll stay awake,” Art yawned. “How about I get you up if I notice a disturbance. I gotta take care of my wife, right?”
“I’m not your wife.”
Art sighed. “…I know. I’m just practicing.”
Fortunately, no tornado ever touched down. And Art was still there when [Y/N] woke up.
It always amazed her that Art was still there everyday. For every nasty thing she said to him that she didn’t mean, every argument where she told him Patrick was right, every tennis match won or lost, every natural disaster, every tear shed. Art was there for all of it. He liked the bad moments as much as the good ones because it meant simply more time spent by [Y/N]’s side. He wasn’t going anywhere. Ever.
It was too much power, [Y/N] frequently thought, that she had over Art.
[Y/N] faced Art and brushed his strawberry blonde hair away from his forehead. Art often looked exhausted. He wore his tiredness on his face and shoulders. The exhaustion of constantly chasing, people-pleasing and being a professional athlete could destroy a kid. Art wore it like a Boy Scout badge. [Y/N] could watch him look relaxed forever. It was so rare he looked like that.
“Good morning, guard dog,” [Y/N] whispered. Art stirred. She could tell he was awake even though his eyes were shut due to that crease the reappeared between his eyebrows. It was never not there in his waking moments. Slowly, Art’s hand crept up and gently clutched [Y/N]’s wrist. Art used his grip to slide [Y/N]’s hand down his own drowsy face. He planted a kiss on her palm before tiredly looking at her. “Good morning.” She repeated to him.
“Hi.”
“Hi,” [Y/N] replied. Gray sunlight filtered through the window. “You ready for today?” She smirked.
“What’s today?”
“Patrick’s in town.”
Art dramatically threw his arm over his face and groaned. “I thought he was in tomorrow… Everything was so peaceful… And quiet,” Art mumbled into his elbow. He couldn’t keep a straight face for long and resolved into a soft laugh. “Whose babysitting?” He asked, peering his blue and brown eyes over his arm.
“I’m picking up the cake today, so I figured I could use his strength.”
Art sat up a bit. “You’re getting it today?”
“In the later afternoon, yeah. Why?”
“It’s gonna be, like, stale.”
[Y/N] glanced over at Art. “If we had gotten cupcakes like I wanted, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”
“You’re such a little jerk.” Art teased.
“Me!” [Y/N] gasped. “It doesn’t even matter because it’s not like you’re gonna eat it anyway because you don’t eat anything.”
“Little jerk!” Art said with his crooked smile widening. He leaned in, slotting an arm over her. “You heard me. You’re a little… troublemaking jerk.” Art’s nose almost pressed against hers.
“Oh yeah? Why are you marrying me then, hm?”
“…You’re pretty,” Art grinned almost timidly, bowing his head. His flat vocal timber sounded like the verbal equivalent of a blush. “Like, really, really pretty. Even if you suck.” Tenderly, Art leaned the rest of the way in to kiss [Y/N]. Once and then twice and then seven times. Maybe fourteen.
And they would have stayed like that all day.
They would have.
BANG BANG BANG.
Like gunshots.
Their lips parted and they held long eye contact. They paused. They sighed.
“Patrick.” They both said.
With a bend of his arms, the full weight of Art’s toned body collapsed on top of [Y/N]’s.
“Pretty baby!”
“No. ‘M pretending he’s not out there,” He laid flat on her, head on her chest. “Can’t go anywhere now.”
BANG BANG BANG on the front door again. Cheese, the couple’s Labrador mix barked at the sound from downstairs.
“Art!”
“Mhm-mm. Nope. Too bad. Sucks for Patrick.”
[Y/N] huffed. “You’re upsetting the dog.”
“He’s upsetting the dog,” Art started to laugh. “He showed up early. I’m just laying here. Hey, hey!” Art jeered as [Y/N] wiggled out from underneath him from backwards. She tried to inch away off the side of the bed. Her shoulders slumped against the carpet, while Art held her legs in place on the bed. [Y/N] dangled in a half on-half off sort of way. Her oversized Stanford t-shirt rolled up during the drama, exposing her breasts to Art. Unashamed, he stared.
[Y/N] twisted her foot into the side of Art’s face, causing a small cry of disgust from him. Just enough chaos for her to slip away. Without hesitation, she tossed the lightweight door open and skittered down the stairs with Art’s long gate keeping pace behind her. His arms reached out in an attempt to grab her. “He’s early! He can wait! He’s never been early in his whole fucking life!” Art laughed. Cheese jumped and barked at the hysteria.
The chase continued until [Y/N]’s hand hit the doorknob and chain. She unlocked it immediately. As [Y/N] ripped the door open, Art’s arm encircled her waist yanking her to the side with the force of his momentum, causing her to laugh with glee.
And on the other side of the door was Patrick Zweig.
Smiling impishly, Patrick took in the disheveled appearances of his two favorite people. He bit the inside of his cheek. “Nice boner.” Patrick smirked at Art, while he pulled [Y/N] into a side hug.
Art didn’t have a boner, or at least a proper one. But the comment was enough to get Art to look. He rolled his eyes and pulled Patrick in for a hug. Cheese ran over to the door for attention, when Art greeted Patrick.
Art closed the door. Patrick ducked down to greet the Labrador too. He liked Cheese, but wouldn’t necessarily choose to be around a dog in his free time the way that Art and [Y/N] did. Cheese really liked Patrick, much to his chagrin, so he pretended to be nice. While Patrick sat on the floor with the animal, he looked up at his best friends. “What’s with the clothes? You just get up?” Art with no shirt in just tube socks and boxers, and [Y/N] in Art’s old college shirt and underwear. They had all seen each other like this so many times growing up that no one particularly cared that the future Donaldsons looked so post coital. It was pretty normal. Patrick’s smirk sliced further across his unwashed face with the ghost of a laugh. “Were you guys fucking?” He said like a horny teenager.
[Y/N] laughed hard and kissed her lifelong best friend on top of the head on her way to make a pot of coffee in the kitchen. “No.” Art sighed in disappointment, flopping onto one of the barstools in the kitchen. This disappointment was either disappointment in Patrick for asking, or disappointment in the lack of sex due to Patrick’s arrival. It was Patrick’s fault either way.
When the dog got bored, Cheese wandered into the kitchen for nonexistent scraps. Patrick pulled up a chair next to Art and dropped his backpack on the floor. “How’s it going, man? You look good. Feeling ready?” He asked, leaning forward to tap Art across his bare knee.
Art nodded as if it say it’s a sure thing. “Thanks. We miss you. We appreciate you being here. It means a lot.”
“I appreciate you being here,” [Y/N] cut in. “Because you’re in my half of the wedding party.” She and Art were always in constant competition over who loved Patrick more. Art wanted him to be his best man. [Y/N] won out, though, having known him since the age of seven and Art only since age twelve.
“Ladies please. Not all at once.” Patrick said. He stood from his chair and wrapped his long arms around [Y/N] in a proper hug finally. Briefly, his chin rested on her head. He stopped before it went on too long.
“Good to see you, kid. How’s it going?” At two months older, [Y/N] had been calling Patrick ‘kid’ diminutively for almost two decades. It was cuter before he got so tall.
“I called you yesterday.” He replied dryly, stepping back to look at her. [Y/N] noted Patrick’s intimately familiar eyes. Too wide, pupils too dilated. Hm. He wore a long sleeved sweater and jeans. And dirty tennis shoes.
“You bring something nicer than this for Saturday?” She teased, pulling on one of his holey sleeves.
Art snorted at Patrick’s expense and cracked a smile. His freckled elbows leaned onto the counter. “Yeah, yeah. I’m here for two seconds, ‘n you’re already giving me tsuris?” Patrick quipped to [Y/N].
“Tsuris… Never thought I’d say it, but you sound like your mom, Patrick.” [Y/N] scoffed. Art snorted a laugh too.
Patrick frowned. “Guess I have to kill myself then.” He joked harshly to more laughter from the other two. M
“Yep. Have some coffee. Both of you. I’m going to put pants on.” [Y/N] turned away and moved to the stairs.
“Aw, do you have to?” Patrick called after her. [Y/N] tossed a middle finger up over her shoulder as she walked away. Art hissed at Patrick’s comment.
“Do you have to flirt with my wife?” Art sneered without malice.
Patrick smiled that boyish small, wicked, unassuming smile. “She’s not your wife yet.” He snapped back. Art smiled at him in return. The two held each other’s gaze adorned with sick grins for a moment before both of them dissolved into laughter. Everything was a competition, but it was only real if they brought it up.
Fast forward a few hours and Patrick and [Y/N] were in the car. Art had taken off for a haircut because his mom thought he looked like a messy little punk and wedding pictures were forever. [Y/N] drove because Patrick drove too fast and without mercy. He had a sports car once when he was in school and still spoke to his parents daily and had notably wrapped it around a telephone pole and walked out without nary a scratch. How’s that for nine lives?
[Y/N] had a sedan.
She and Patrick both held a cigarette out each of their respective windows as she drove.
“You should really quit, y’know.” She told Patrick.
He leaned over and blew smoke in her face. “Yeah, I’ll quit when you do.”
Patrick’s rude gesture didn’t bear acknowledging. “It’s different. You’re an athlete. I watch movies and review them for a living. It’s expected of me. You… you’re making your performance actively worse. You’re kneecapping yourself by choice.” [Y/N] explained.
“I’m good enough to take the hit.”
[Y/N] laughed and took a drag of her cigarette, asking it out the window. “And you’re arrogant enough to make that comment. Sometimes I look at you and you’re still thirteen. I swear to God. It’s fuckin’ funny,” she said. It was quiet for a moment. “Art, though. He doesn’t smoke anymore.”
“I don’t believe you,” Patrick replied immediately with a wild look in his eye. That was apparently a big surprise. “He’s totally lying to you. There’s no way—“
“Nope! Quit on his own too. He just decided he was done with it one day and got all pro-athlete about it.”
“Y-you’re wrong! You’re so wrong. He’s a liar. Last time I was in town, we—“
“No. No fucking way,” [Y/N] shook her head in manic disbelief. “When you came by to—“
“Mhm. Yep. On the patio. You didn’t notice?”
[Y/N] shook her head. “No sense of smell because of… I’m a smoker. I just… He’s such a shit.”
“A shit and a hypocrite!” They both laughed. When the glee dampened naturally and the cigarette butts were pitched out the window, Patrick looked over at [Y/N]. One good, long look. “You ready for Saturday?” Patrick asked because he was a masochist.
[Y/N] found herself often thinking back on this moment. Was this when it had gone wrong beyond repair?
[Y/N] sighed. She would only ever tell Patrick and maybe Art this. “Yes and no.”
“Oh?”
“Don’t say it like that. I have been ready to marry Art since I was, like, seventeen years old. It is unfathomable to me how much love I am capable of giving him, y’know? If he wanted the Mona Lisa, I’d be robbing the Louvre tomorrow. He’s it for me,” she said. Patrick faked a smile very convincingly and nodded for her to go on. “What I’m not looking forward to is everyone I know being in the same room at the same time. I don’t like other people except you and Art. And my editor. That’s about it.”
“You’re not at all worried about spending all that time married to someone?” Patrick tried to jab at her with his words while he scratched his right forearm.
“Not with Art.”
“Wow. That’s awfully grownup of you.”
“Yeah, well. I’m a grownup. With a smokin’ hot fiancé. And he actually cares if I live or die. Isn’t that crazy? My parents weren’t like that with each other. It’s… Am I allowed to say how grateful I am to you for bringing him home for break that one time, or is that stupid?”
“It’s kinda stupid,” he agreed teasingly. In reality, he wanted more than anything to put himself out of his misery. My fault, my fault, my fault. The words looped in Patrick’s head on constant repeat. He wanted to rip his skin off for so many different reasons. He couldn’t take it and he was trapped. Fuck.
Patrick scratched his right forearm again.
“Truth or dare?” Patrick slurred. He was twenty-one and drunk for [Y/N]’s birthday. She, Art and Patrick sat on the disgusting archaic carpet in Art’s dorm room.
“Uh, truth.” [Y/N] said too soberly to sober.
“Boring!” Art said, putting his hand on [Y/N]’s thigh.
Patrick took a long swing of his beer while he thought. “Okay, okay. What’s your weirdest sexual fantasy?” He asked.
“Ew.” [Y/N] wrinkled her nose.
Art thought the question was epic, but wasn’t going to facilitate his girl’s discomfort. “Hey, it’s her birthday, she doesn’t have to—“
“Um, no. I’ll do it. This is an actual dream I had. I think about it kinda all the time. Oh my god, I can’t believe I’m saying this out loud. It so dumb. So, it’s Art and I’m sitting at the kitchen table with coffee or something. And Art… sings me Happy Birthday like Marilyn Monroe did for JFK. And he’s dressed like Marilyn, but like a boy. No dress, but like the boy version of that look. Then we fuck. That’s weirder than you wanted. That was weird, right?” [Y/N] rambled.
Art leaned in closer to her. They were all drunk as skunks and he couldn’t help bite his lip. His arm pulled her closer to him. Art was handsy when drunk, they were all learning.
“Whose Jackie O?” Patrick asked.
“No Jackie O. And I’m not JFK. He’s just Marilyn. Gentlewomen prefer blondes.” [Y/N] had laughed so hard at that while she tangled her fingers in Art’s sandy hair.
The car ride to get cake and the drive back was the last proper conversation [Y/N] and Patrick had. The pair got home. Nothing seemed unusual to [Y/N] at all. They talked the whole time without any dry spells. The cake, in pieces to be assembled, was carefully toted in and placed way out of the way from disaster. Patrick took his bag to the bathroom, claiming he was going to shower.
[Y/N] shouted after him. “You know where the towels are!”
Patrick looked back over his shoulder at her with a smirk and closed the bathroom door behind him.
And he went out through the bathroom window.
[Y/N] had no idea he had gone until she heard his car start. For a minute, she thought it was the neighbors. She walked halfway down her hallway and saw the bathroom door open. No running shower water, no half nude Patrick shaving or something. She ran back down the hall and glanced out the kitchen window and watched his new white SUV whip out of the driveway.
[Y/N] stood there for several minutes. Staring and staring and staring after him. Not a single effort to move. The first thing she did was pick up her blue slidephone from beside the sink. She called Art, not Patrick. Patrick made his choice.
[Y/N] hadn’t realized she was crying when Art picked up on the other line.
“Honey? Honey, you there? You buttdial me?” Art said. [Y/N] thinks he said shit like that for several moments before she spoke. She just faced the window and stared for what felt like ages.
“Patrick’s gone.”
“Hm?”
“Patrick’s gone.”
“What do you mean he’s gone.”
“He climbed through the bathroom window and drove off. We-we didn’t have a fight. Or-or… He just left. Like it was nothing.”
“I’m on my way. Stay where you are.”
Art rushed back in his blue-black jeep wrangler. It ripped into the smooth driveway causing the tires to damn near squeal. When he got out of his car and bounded to the door, it was clear that about half of his hair had been cut instead of all of it. [Y/N] would have laughed in an ideal situation.
“Baby, hey, what happened?” Art said breathlessly as he unlocked the door. [Y/N] sat at the seldom used dining room table the two of them used to hold their junk mail, sitting straight up and looking through Art. Art was alarmed. She never sat at the table and rarely was her face so expressionless. She was always feeling, expressing, something. He couldn’t tell if she was crying or not, but her eyes were red.
“Patrick seems to have decided not to join us this weekend.” [Y/N] said clearly.
Art closed up the door behind him and walked over to [Y/N]. His scraggly hair and bewildered expression lessened into some devastated softness. He knelt, as he often did, in front of her and took her softer hands in his. “Can you tell me what happened?” Art asked quietly. He felt angry tears sting at the corner of his own traitorous eyes.
“We went out, got the cake, got smoothies, and came back. We… He didn’t say anything weird. Nothing happened.”
“Okay. And then?”
“No, I mean, nothing happened. Like, he was on his best behavior. Like, he was doing so well. He seemed okay. Really okay, y’know?” [Y/N]’s voice broke and finally betrayed her. She choked on her last words and the tears followed. Art’s right hand traveled up the side of [Y/N] face to rest there in comfort. “We talked about everything, like always. He was totally fine. I swear. Then we got home and he says I’m gonna take a shower, or something. And then I heard his car pull away. That’s it.”
“I’m gonna fucking murder him.” Art said, shaking his head and gritting his teeth. He stood from the floor and pulled his own phone out of his pocket. Art leaned against the table [Y/N] sat at. He called Patrick. Then he called him again. And another time. Up to what felt like twelve times or so. He left voicemail after voicemail.
“Hey, call me.”
“Hey, it’s Art. Call me.”
“Art again. Call me back. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“I’m sorry about the last one. Patrick, call me. Are you coming home?”
“Hey, man. Fuck you. Fuck off.”
“I’m sorry about the last one too. I’m… Understandably, I’m kinda… Fucking pissed at you. I don’t need to talk to you like that, though. Are you okay? Are you safe? What happened? You can talk to me.”
“You’re an asshole. I wish you could see the look on [Y/N]’s face right now.”
“Don’t come back.”
Eventually, the voicemail box was full.
[Y/N] reached wordlessly for Art’s hand. She could feel his rare anger climbing. He got this ridiculous blush across his cheeks when he got angry and she could see it against the sunset’s glow. “Art?”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry this happened,” He said, turning his eyes to her. “I’m so sorry, hon.”
“It’s not your fault. You don’t have to apologize, pretty baby.”
“Yeah, but he’s my best friend. He’s your best friend,” He ranted. “That was a dick move to leave like that. I’m sorry that happened to you. He’s a piece of shit.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“No! I do. I do mean that. For the last year, he’s treated us, especially you like trash. Do you not see how much more you deserve, [Y/N]? I don’t know what’s going on with him… Do you?”
“He’s…” [Y/N] looked down. “You think he’s using again?”
Art didn’t say anything, he just looked down. That was answer enough. [Y/N] buried her face in her hands with a shuddering sob. Art pulled her to her feet and into his chest. He buried his face in her hair, unable to hold his own tears back. Eventually, the pair landed on the sagging green couch. Art’s legs wrapped around [Y/N]’s middle. They kept the news on all night. In case he matched an accident description. They called hospitals and hunted for John Does that were over six feet with dark hair and stubble.
“What are we gonna do? He’s… He’s not coming back, is he?” [Y/N] whispered. Cheese rested his heavy beige head on her thigh. He obviously didn’t understand why Patrick had gone either.
“No, I don’t think he is,” Art replied, lips against her forehead. “I’m sorry.
Pathetically, [Y/N] raised her head to Art. “I’m sorry too. I don’t know what I did.”
“You didn’t do anything.” He said. [Y/N] forced Art to lean back against the couch and she laid her head on his chest. Cheese circled for a new position where he could be touching them both at the same time.
[Y/N] knew it was a little bit her fault. She leaned up and kissed Art on the corner of his lips. “It’s my fault.”
“Then it’s both of our faults. You can’t talk about yourself like that. You’re the only you I’ve got, babe.” Art huffed tiredly.
[Y/N] dug her hands into Art’s hair the way he liked. “Can I fix your haircut? Haircut’s a generous way to describe it.”
“Damn, I was actually trying out this new thing. You don’t think it’s cool?”
“Yeah, it’s big for guys who blindly answer their wife’s phone calls, I hear.” [Y/N] said weakly.
Wife was all Art heard and he melted.
“I have never known someone I love as much as you,” Art said. “I’m all in with you. You know that, right?”
“‘Course I do.” [Y/N] did know. She sunk her teeth into the freckled skin on Art’s right shoulder gently and he moaned. Over top of the spot, [Y/N] left a trail of kisses down Art’s bicep.
“I’m gonna call his mom.” He said once [Y/N]’s pace had slowed. Art’s stomach growled. When he got upset, he didn’t eat. [Y/N] told herself it was because he had forgotten to in stressful moments, but wondered if it was a punishment instead. She pretending she hadn’t heard the sound.
“They don’t talk.”
“I know. Just in case he turns up.”
Patrick did turn up. About ten hours later, wet and unconscious in the emergency room. Following a psych eval, Patrick went to a short stint in rehab. He had gone once prior at the age of twenty. Needless to say Patrick missed the wedding. It was too much money to up and cancel, according to Art’s piece of shit stepfather, Douglas. Patrick made no efforts to contact the Donaldsons since leaving, as he left or following rehab. Despite all of Art and [Y/N]’s tireless efforts to find him, all they had to show for it was his disconnected phone number and a crippling feeling of shame and loss. Patrick had vanished from their lives without giving either one of them a say.
Patrick was gone.
But Art was there for all of it.
TAGLIST:
@toxiclovergirl @basicallynotbreathing @miniemonie2001 @valentine333 @tremendoushorsepeachbanana-blog @athxnss @babyspice6 @diorrfairy @donaldsonsdarling @muthafuckingstargirl @avylanchce @shysstuff @soberbabes @ysuftmikey @pussy-f41ry
#art donaldson x reader#art donaldson imagine#art donaldson x you#art donaldson#sorry series#challengers movie#challengers#patrick zweig x reader#patrick zweig
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Hi :) I read The Tragedy of Heterosexuality and loved it — do you have any other books you’d recommend about gender/sexuality? Thanks <3 I love reading your long posts, you have really insightful ideas and I think we view the world very similarly
Glad to hear that! Here's some context for anyone not in the loop: The Tragedy of Heterosexuality is a book about Heteropessimism, or rather, finding a way out of it. The notion is that heterosexual love is doomed because men and women are just different by nature, and it manifests through relationship self-help books, incels and pickup artists, and the memes and ramblings of countless straight women who they wish they could just be lesbians. Jane Ward think heterosexuality as we know it self sabotages through what she calls the misogyny paradox: straight men love women, except they don't love women. But she doesn't think heterosexuality is doomed or prop up political lesbianism as a solution. She calls for mutual respect and actually leaning into the heterosexuality of, well, actually liking each other, rather than try to "queer" it. This is part of a really interesting turn in queer theory where heterosexuality has emerged as a subject of study--another good example is Hanne Blank's Straight: The Surprisingly Short History of Heterosexuality.
So I want to start out by disclaiming I'm not actually that well read. This is something I've been trying to work on more recently. That said, here are some gender and sexuality recs:
Two essays by Gayle Rubin: The Traffic in Women and Thinking Sex. I don't completely cosign everything she says, but these are monumental texts. Thinking Sex is topical especially as the "sex wars" keep playing out.
Gender Trouble by Judith Butler. Everyone's heard of this, so my specific recommendation is to skip to part three and the conclusion, where the text is at its most concise. Butler's theory of gender performativity has exploded beyond their initial reach, so they've since had a lot of interviews and given talks that address a wider audience. People who have read both Gender Trouble and Bodies that Matter tend to recommend the latter text, but I still need to.
The Trouble with Normal by Michael Warner, or if you want a shorter version, his essay "Normaler and Normaler." Even if you're not against marriage in its entirety, his criticisms are so incisive and helpful, especially now in countries where gay marriage was passed but proved to be a dead end. It also really gets into gayness as identity versus behavior, which seems to have exploded into a huge conflict recently. This is how you get people who are on board with queerness in the abstract but appalled by its real-life specifics. I also still need to read Fear of a Queer Planet.
Sister Outsider by Audre Lorde, is a collection of speeches and essays by one of the most influential Black feminist writers. "Uses of the Erotic" especially stuck with me, where the erotic is taken not so literally but as a sort of creative synergy with political implications. If you've ever heard "the master's tools will not dismantle the masters house," that's included in this collection.
Close to the Knives by David Wojnarowicz, also a collection of speeches and essays, is one of my favorite books on AIDS. The rage is palpable and crucial, and the essay "Do Not Doubt the Dangerousness of the 12-inch Politician" is eerily resonant today as politicians still stoke violence on TV (and now social media).
Lately I've been getting more into trans writing, with Transgender History by Susan Stryker and Whipping Girl by Julia Serano. The former alarmed me with how much I didn't know, and the latter blew my mind. It was written at a time when trans people, for better and for worse, weren't really in the public eye except for in niche circles, and academia about trans people was about or at the expense of them but not by and for them. Her mark is so tangible today. My next read will be Reverse Cowgirl by McKenzie Wark after hearing rave reviews. I think I'm going to like it.
I am also accepting recs!
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On the subject of Dinosaur Documentaries...
So Life On Our Planet dropped a few days ago, another installment of this seeming boom of these kind of shows since Prehistoric Planet last year, and it got me thinking about this whole little niche genre.
The very first "Paleodoc" was released in 1922, made by the Carnegie Museum of Natural History to educate museum goers on how the fossils they saw were collected and prepared. This began the format I like to call the "Talking Heads" Paleodoc which is mainly in the form of interviews or narration over actual footage of Paleontologists at work with the occasional "Live" Dinosaur for visual aid. These are by far the most common form of dinosaur documentary you'll find, even today, mainly because they're cheap to produce and fit in the general style of most science documentaries.
For many decades throughout the 20th century, Paleodocs were pretty rare. They would pop up time to time, and with the sudden influx of attention they got after Jurassic Park, we got some really good ones. Yet they were all the same Talking Head types. What really changed the game was the good ol Magnum Opus of the field: Walking With Dinosaurs.
WWD pioneered the second type of Paleodoc I believe to exist, which are the "In Their World" Paleodocs. These are different in the fact they focus almost entirely on the live visual aids, with the human presence being limited to narration or brief pauses for context. They're meant to simulate the modern nature documentary, like Planet Earth, that focus more on showcasing animal behavior with state of the art filming techniques than being a source of in-depth science.
The success of WWD cannot be overstated, and I have to say I do find the In Their World format a lot more engaging and easier to connect with. They portray the wonder of prehistory spectacularly, letting audiences get emotionally connected in the animal characters the story creates, even if this has lead to criticisms of anthropomorphism. These programs also almost always use real footage of modern day earth for their prehistoric creatures to roam on, which I'm sure is very sad for the people who want to see their favorite dead plants on screen.
The Walking With... series would expand into sequels and spin-offs and Nigel Marven, and other companies like Discovery would jump on the bandwagon and release their own takes on the concept, but by the mid 2010s the format had basically died out. We'd get one or In Their World style doc every few years until we just didn't get anything. Outside of the occasional TV special that reused When Dinosaurs Roamed America footage, it was empty.
It took until Disney's Live Action remake of The Lion King of all things for that pendulum to start swinging again. Seeing those expressionless CGI cats got Jon Favreau thinking about how he could use this technology and the talented people behind it to make something really cool, and we got Prehistoric Planet.
And, in a repeat of Walking With Dinosaurs, we're seeing more of these In Their World type shows. The original guys behind WWD are even making a comeback with their own series, Surviving Earth. Plus even more little hints and rumors of massive incoming projects from overexcited paleontologists trying not to break their embargo.
It looks like the 2020s will be another resurgence in these types of spectacle Paleodocs, and while a good ol Talking Head will always be there, I can't help but get excited for these animated spectacles and all the weird and wonderful ways they flash those visual aids across our TV screens.
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Best of the Reptiles in Media - 01 - Godzilla (Monsterverse)
I figure that while I'm using this blog, I might as well post my ramblings on a subject dear to my heart: That being the representation of reptiles as characters in media. And not just villainous or vile ones like we're so used to. I'm talking about ones that inspire me. The ones that are legitimately compelling to me. And these posts are an excuse to espouse why.
Plus, it's just fun. You can thank the likes of @tyrantisterror and @bogleech for inspiring me to do these.
So who better to start with than with the lizard who's been an inspiration to me for almost my entire life. That being the one known as Gojira. AKA...Godzilla.
This is the one character in these posts who probably needs no introduction. Ever since his debut in 1954, the walking embodiment of the horrors of nuclear war, among other things, has been nothing less than an icon. This is the beast people think about when they hear "giant monster" or "kaiju". This is truly the King of the Monsters.
My introduction to Godzilla was a children's book called "Godzilla on Monster Island". It was a fun read full of neat monsters living together and teaming up to stop an evil plan. And it left me wanting more. I wanted more stories of these fantastic yet friendly beasts being friends and living together while having fun adventures. Little me was a bit disappointed to find that Godzilla spent more time fighting his fellow kaiju and trashing cities instead.
The truth, as I would find out, was that Godzilla is never just one thing. He is a fun defender of the Earth. He's the terrifying consequences of our tampering with both nature and science. And in recent memory, he's been a lot of other things. But most of the time, he's either hero or mankind's hubris on two legs. To me, he was a giant dinosaur that could fire thermonuclear breath, and that was all that mattered. It was after hearing about the historical significance of him that my respect doubled.
Back then, I would tell you that my favorite Godzilla from a design standpoint was the 2002 version. Personality wise, almost every Showa appearance post-1964.
But in 2014, everything changed. In came a Goji that seemed to have everything I could ask for. So, we're going to look at the one that resonates with me the most. The Monsterverse version.
That right there is perhaps one of the most awe-inspiring entrances I've ever seen in a cinema.
Before the release of Godzilla (2014), the franchise had entered something of a slump period. The last film was all the way back in 2004, and sadly, the kaiju genre was still something of a niche thing growing up. Here in America, you either liked superheroes or real-life celebrities as a kid. If you liked monsters, let alone giant monsters, you were one of the weird kids. That, or one of the kids who never lost their passion for dinosaurs. But those were rare.
Then Gareth Edwards unleashed this film, and while one could argue that Pacific Rim (2013) got the ball rolling, THIS ultimately resurrected the entire franchise of the Big G, and got him a degree of general respect from most film-goers (so long as you ignore the irritating internet drama regarding screen-time back then).
But let's get to the meat of this post. Why is this Godzilla so much better to me than the rest? A few things, really.
First off, there's Godzilla's role in the Monsterverse's narrative. For the most part, he is a guardian of the natural order, a means of bringing balance to imbalance. He is a metaphor for how nature is capable of righting itself, and how we either have to deal with it, or live with the consequences. In practice, Godzilla ends up going up against almost every monster, most of which are only a threat because we awakened them/created them. Yet despite this, he doesn't go out of his way to destroy us. He's not mindlessly destructive or particularly vengeful either. He knows we're a part of the world too. We just tend to grate a bit more on his nerves because of how much we screw up. If there's one thing this series isn't afraid to show, it's that...well, "the arrogance of man is thinking nature is within our control, and not the other way around."
Design-wise, this is one of the best Godzilla's around. He's bulky, has a killer stare, and there's something oddly endearing about how...well, meaty he is. He's like if my aforementioned previous favorite design, the 2002 one, put on both a lot of muscle and weight. It also ties into his fighting style, said to have been inspired particularly by bears. Even the sounds associated with him are amazing. From that hype-inducing charge of his thermonuclear breath to what might be the best rendition of the classic roar.
Then there is the body language. This Godzilla's usual gait is slow, almost plodding at times. He shows clear signs of exhaustion in some scenes. What he goes through is hard, and his job is even harder, but he still does it. It really helps sell his personality most of the time.
Part of why I like the Monsterverse so much is that, for the most part, the kaiju are treated as characters in their own right (that's not to say they weren't in previous iterations, far from it, but it's a bit more pronounced here than most of the post-Showa stuff). Sure, some films in this verse are better about it than others (more on that later...), but I like how you can glean what Godzilla is thinking of just by looking at his eyes. Of particular note is how they widen in "Godzilla: King of the Monsters" when Ghidorah gains the upper hand during the final battle, his absolute sneer of anger in the first movie when the male MUTO approaches him, or...this.
This scene. This one right here encapsulates so much of what I love about this iteration. Where Godzilla, dazed and thoroughly battered by both the fight with the MUTOS and having a building fall right on him, locks eyes with a tiny little soldier. You see a sense of tiredness, of pain, of acknowledgement, and maybe even a little wonder. This is not just some mindless beast fighting for its turf. It's a thinking being. And he's hurt. The most powerful creature on the planet isn't invincible, neither on the outside and definitely not on the inside.
And you know what? I've been there. There are times where I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world, that there are things too heavy to bear, and its suffocating. Godzilla constantly shows throughout the Monsterverse that his job as a living balancing act is wearing on him. He gets put through so. Much. Crap. From getting buildings dropped on him to being personally dropped from a distance above the clouds to watching his symbiotic partner/mate die, it's almost unfair how we're expected to not really sympathize with him as much as...I'll get to that later.
But he never gives up. Despite all the pain and fatigue, he gets back up, and he fights. And he fights. And he continues until the deed is done. Someone has to rise to the occasion, and it might as well be him. If not him, then who?
That is the biggest reason I resonate with this Godzilla. His awe-inspiring design is one thing, but he gave me the strength to persevere. I don't give up, because he never did. Never before had the Big G been such a hero to me. Such that in 2014 I found myself silently sobbing to myself when it seemed like he was dead near the end even though that was clearly not the case. It's hardly a surprise that I based my personal Godzilla AU on him, albeit with the more sympathetic traits dialed up. Stuff like this made G14 and KOTM some of my favorite kaiju flicks...
...which made it more than a little disappointing when Wingard took the helm and basically said "screw that, this is about the monke now!" Yeah, GvK is the weakest entry in the series for me for a reason. Godzilla's more redeeming qualities are buried under a narrative that clearly is not interested in giving him the time of day or even the benefit of a doubt. Both it and it's successor, GxK, are Kong movies through and through, and that means poor Big G is put out of focus.
I cannot tell you how much I HATE this idea that the only way a monster can be relatable is if it either looks almost just like us or is really cute. Yes, I understand the universal appeal, but they had such a good thing going for Godzilla! And they throw almost all of it away just so that they can make Kong look better by comparison.
Credit where it's due, these issues are slightly improved in GxK. It's not only firmly established that Godzilla is an overall benefit to the world for keeping the other Titans in check, but we get some interesting bits with him like how he instantly responds and prepares to answer the call of the Iwi and help them. It shows that despite his tenuous relationship with humans, there are ones he clearly gives a lot of thought to. And there's also how he makes the Roman Coliseum his own personal bed. Not only is it kind of hilariously adorable, but if you remember how in KOTM he had his own man-made temple, you get the impression that he has a bit of homesickness. That's the kind of thing I like to see! More of that and less "he's only ever angry and he only ever fights, character is for primates only".
Also, while the Evolved design has nice details, I WANT THAT GUT BACK! it just looks weird otherwise with that disproportionately skinny waist.
But thankfully, our prayers might be answered:
With GxK's roaring success (ha!), it's more than likely that the next Monsterverse entry will finally give Godzilla an overdue character arc that doesn't begin and end with "destroy everyone and act big and scary and nothing else". Just please make sure that he doesn't have to die to get that. There are plenty of ways you can make us invest in the guy's story without having to kill him. I WANT to see more of that emotional vulnerability teased across the movies. I want to see him come to terms with how he's been going about his job. And more importantly...I want to see a more explicit Mothzilla scene. A nuzzle and everything. But that's just me.
Whatever the quality of his current status, nothing is taking away how much I love this version of Godzilla. He's taken me out of some very dark places, and for that, I say long live the king.
Also, he brought Mothzilla into the public sphere and every Mothzilla pic made since is the cutest thing ever, so I just love him even more.
#best of the reptiles in media#ramblings#godzilla#gojira#monsterverse#godzilla 2014#g14#godzilla king of the monsters#godzilla vs kong#godzilla x kong: the new empire
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Hey, trans guy here, and while I’m not personally interested in getting bottom surgery, I am interested in writing t4t erotica involving guys who have. Do you have any writing tips on that front or just stuff you wanna see from what I imagine is a pretty underserved niche?
Howdy and that’s awesome!
One thing that would be cool to see represented: not everyone who gets bottom surgery is a top! I’m sure not, though strangely my interest in playing that role has increased since I had the work done. You can be the biggest anal queen this side of Pornhub and still get bottom surgery. Only makes sense, right—if we can accept that having a dick doesn’t automatically make a cis man a top, the same is also true of trans men & transmascs.
Some things about a healed-up phallo dick from my experience, under a cut:
The head is VERY sensitive, and the base is very sensitive. Everything in between that has erotic sensation but in an “Mm that’s nice” kinda way until you add pressure too. Once it’s healed up, it is definitely possible to orgasm from stimulating it. How long that takes will vary, though. I was told it might be up to a year, but I have a crazy healing factor and had it back in like 2-3 months.
If you couldn’t successfully kill the hair follicles on a permanent basis via electrolysis and/or laser prior to surgery, there’ll be hair. (It’s not THAT weird. Plenty of cis men out there have hair on their shafts too!)
If you had a tattoo on your donor site, you’ve got a tattoo on your dick now, lol. It might be unrecognizable depending on where it was originally (especially on the inner wrist/forearm).
There’s a scar up the underside right in the middle and all around the base. The scar up the middle of your scrotum will look similar enough to the natural seam of an OEM scrotum that it’s not really notable.
The scrotum won’t have all the wrinkles an OEM one does at rest.
No foreskin, more’s the pity, but the head looks VERY much like a circumcised OEM penis once it’s healed.
Different donor sites tend to produce different results. The non-dominant forearm is preferred because they take a stretch of nerve with it and it’ll typically have the least subcutaneous fat, so you tend to get the best sensation and shape. With the back or thigh, bigger guys might end up with a Coke can cock, which cis men THINK they want but it’s a different story when it’s always that size.
Yep, it’s always the same size. Which means you’ve got something the size of an average-for-your-height erection at all times.
Without an implant, it’s quite floppy as you can imagine. If you manspread at all, you might have to shake a leg out when you stand up ‘cause your dick’ll go between your thighs, and you’ll notice real quick as soon as you start walking. Masturbation can be awkward depending on how you do it, but “double bagging” (wearing two condoms at once) will keep it stiff enough to top.
There are two types of implants you can get: a flexible rod made of silver encased in biostatic silicone that gets sutured to your pubic bone to make sure it stays in place (how metal is that?!), or an inflatable rod that has a pump & release in the scrotum. Look for “erectile dysfunction implant” if you’re researching these. With the former, you basically always have an erection, but it’s posable; not great if you wear a lot of Speedos, as my surgeon put it. With the latter, you choose when it stands up and when it lies down. These implants, along with testicular implants for those who get them, are always done at least 6-9 months after the initial surgery.
Recovery can be rough. I took 3 months off work and needed it. The first two and a half weeks were the worst because I had a suprapubic catheter in, and dear gods I hated being cathed. Felt like I had to pee at all times, even right after emptying the bag. Worth it, though, absolutely worth it.
If you do radial arm flap, you’ll end up with two scars aside from the ones on your groin: a rectangular graft that goes most of the way around (NOT all the way around; that leads to necrosis!) the forearm from the wrist to about halfway to the elbow; and a less-obvious rectangular scar shaped like an open book on the top of one thigh where they take a split-thickness (meaning, only part of the way down) skin donation for your arm graft. The graft is pretty obvious, especially if you’re chubby, but my leg scar is extremely subtle and continues to get fainter as my skin cycles itself out.
The graft will be forever hairless.
People will probably glance at the graft, and they might stare if they’re rude, but in the…what’s it been, almost two years I’ve had it, exactly one person has actually asked about it and that was when it was still fresh and extra gnarly-looking. I told her “It’s a graft, it’s not as bad as it looks” and there were no follow-up questions.
Because there’s nerve harvested from the inside of the forearm, sensation comes to the penis faster than it comes to the graft. The cut nerve DOES regrow! But for the first…I’d say 6-9 months? Ish? I could only feel pressure on the tissue UNDER the graft. Sensation is still duller there, but at this point I can feel temperature, moisture, and texture well enough.
Recovery includes physical therapy for the donor arm. The more you move that wrist early and consistently, the less stiff it will be when it heals. I’ll never be able to touch my thumb to my wrist again, but I also can’t do that on the right either now, so I think that’s more to do with my age than the surgery (I used to be a lot more hypermobile, but I am no longer a spring chicken).
Learning to pee standing up is a messy affair that involves cleaning the toilet and doing laundry a lot. Once you’ve got it down, though, it’s pretty awesome.
Chasers will now ghost me the instant they find out I am not biologically available to be their sexual experiment.
There are a LOT of other options for bottom surgery, but I only have passing familiarity with them based on hearing firsthand accounts and what I learned from my surgeon. Personally, I weighed meta vs phallo heavily; being able to get a natural erection with meta or Centurion was a very attractive prospect, but it just doesn’t produce a size that I would find satisfying in terms of my own self-image, so I went with phallo. There was never a question in my mind as to wanting vaginectomy with it. Beyond the unbelievable convenience of being able to pee standing up without an STP device, I fuckin’ HATED my front hole, and I REALLY hated being pressured about having things done to it (mostly by cis men, but not always) all the time.
#transgender#ftm#trans men#trans matters#queerdom#bottom surgery#phalloplasty#replies to things#working my way through asks!
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lightfall was a lot of fun, i think the only gripes i have with it is that i wish the patrol zone was a bit bigger and i wish there were more of those little holo-cats. i’m almost tempted to speculate that the people getting so up in arms were partially looking for a reason to call it a bad expansion because of nimbus.
the main criticism i saw was about the tone of the expansion not being tense enough, but i don’t think it would’ve worked to make lightfall a super tense and grim expansion because there wouldn’t’ve been much payoff for it
Yeah agreed. People got SUPER obsessed with the placeholder art we got 3 years before Lightfall which was... placeholder art. But it was basic black-and-white image that looked edgy and if you look at the fashion Destiny players prefer, you know that they like their edginess. Lmao! But yeah, the complaints about "placeholder art was a better direction of Lightfall" is so bizarre to me because like. It's placeholder. Lightfall wasn't being developed yet at the time. There was no direction.
But people wanted some incredibly grimdark expansion which is insane to me because like... This is Destiny? It does have exceptionally dark themes and background stuff, but on the surface it's never been grimdark. Even the most serious expansions have humour and whimsy in it. I also think that Lightfall was fairly tense due to the high-paced action and the looming threat of "The Witness wants this incomprehensible paracausal entity to finish the Collapse and we have no clue how it means to do that, but we know what the Collapse is and we have to prevent this at all costs."
I personally think that a lot of people just do not understand the aesthetic Lightfall went with on the account of not being old enough to know it. I don't know how much merit there is to this and there's definitely people who DID understand the aesthetic, but just don't really like it, which is fine; we all have different preferences! I personally do not vibe AT ALL with the aesthetic of Forsaken. However, I understand what they wanted to do with that aesthetic and I understand that they nailed that aesthetic for those that do love it and that made the campaign click really well for them. Lightfall wasn't made "wrong;" it had a really well defined and perfectly executed style. It's just not everyone likes that style. This is true for every expansion as well.
The 80s action movie vibe has a goofy and campy feel, but to me it did not detract from the real threats and tension because that's just how that vibe works. And I'm a huge fan of that vibe so Lightfall landed perfectly for me. There's a really silly and over-the-top quality to it, but it's underlined with a lot of emotional journeys between characters and larger-than-life threats.
Also! I really enjoy how Destiny does genre switching with each expansion and even each season. It's one of my favourite things about the setting: the flexibility to just do whatever, without messing up the base of the setting. It's probably the reason why I genuinely have NO issues with any of the campaigns or seasons. They all have problems naturally, but I can never pick what's my favourite or least favourite because they all fill different niches for me.
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I'm starting to like akito more can you write something about him or give akito images to speed up my obsession
okay!
when it comes to understanding akito, you really don't need much. just this lyric from kashika:
like, the kid's been through some shit, right? both in terms of external forces he had no control over and shit he's inflicted on himself. he grew up in a... very difficult household, and while it doesn't seem like shinei goes after him the same way he goes after ena, there's only so many times you can hear your father tell your big sister that she should give up on the thing she loves most because she'll never succeed and she'll never be as good as anyone with "real" talent before you start internalizing that sort of thinking for yourself. this is (part of) why we see him quit soccer the way he did.
and then later, when he first started getting into music and the community of vivid street, he was bullied and hazed by musicians much older than him. he was laughed at everywhere he went, and everyone kept telling him that he should just give up - that he would never be good enough to fit in, much less surpass rad weekend. and you'd think with how quickly he threw in the towel over soccer and all the shit he's internalized thanks to sh*nei this would have been too much for him, but here's the thing!!
soccer wasn't exactly an ultimate passion for him. he just kind of had (has; he does still really enjoy soccer) fun playing and he was decent at it so he figured this must be his Thing. what he will pursue for the rest of his life. there's a few reasons why he quit so abruptly. part of it is because in the minutes after losing that one game, he fully understood what his father meant. he saw the gap between himself - a completely average kid who just played for fun - and these other players who dedicated their lives to soccer, and it overwhelmed him. he knew would never be able to keep up with people like that. and with that, we're starting to get into the other reasons why he quit.
he felt like he wasn't passionate enough. while other people lived and breathed soccer, he was out on the field just "having fun" and making a total mockery of their dreams. he didn't deserve to play. not if all he was going to do was play like some dumb kid. (super healthy mindset for a 10 year old to have, right? A+ parenting, shinei. but keep following this line of thinking and you'll see why he blew up at kohane in the main story.)
we can deduce that after quitting soccer akito was pretty depressed. it would be hard not to be! he just quit doing something he enjoyed and lost the majority of the friends he had at the time as a result. and also he had no idea what he was supposed to be doing with his life. because shinei has pushed this idea of needing to "succeed" at something in order for life to have any meaning at all onto him and ena. seeing ena and other kids his age find their niches early on probably didn't help either. it probably made him feel like there was something wrong with him for not knowing what he wanted to do with his life (at 10 years old. really spectacular job you've done here, shinei!!!!)
and then he ended up at that concert at the summer festival with ena, and she encouraged him to give music a try. and that really, really turned things around for him. even before he wandered into rad weekend, music was slowly becoming something he loved. way more than he ever loved soccer. despite being met with rejection and cruelty, he wasn't exactly keen on letting this dream go. he found something that he could call his. he didn't want to go back to a directionless existence.
and yeah, he was well aware of the gap between him and every other musician on vivid street. how could he not be? he knew he was never going to be on their level. he knew he didn't have any sort of natural gift for singing or an innate understanding of pitch or music theory or anything else. he was going to have to brute force his way through all of this, and he was going to face a lot more humiliation and bullying as he did. and maybe by stubbornly clinging to music he was directly contradicting his own beliefs about passion and talent and dreams, but that's the thing about akito!
he's made up of contradictions. truly i don't think we're ever going to get an event song that encapsulates him as well as kashika did because it's the only song that's really tackled this aspect of his character. he loves music, and he doesn't believe he's worthy of pursuing it. but he doesn't want to give up, because he loves it so, so, so, so much. but yes he does want to give up - why do you think his fragment sekai gave him amnesia? in so many ways his life has become so much more difficult since he decided to pursue music and this dream of surpassing rad weekend, and a part of him wishes he had never gone down this path. it would have been so much easier to just drift along, wouldn't it? and after discovering the truth of rad weekend, that part of him got a little louder. for the first time really since vivid bad squad formed, he wanted to give up; he regretted not doing so sooner and dedicating so much of his life to this. he could have spared himself a lot of pain. but he still loves music so much... like an idiot, really. as painful as it can get, giving up feels unfathomable - even though it's so, so tempting. the mini amnesia episode and the sandstorm he has to pass through to get his memories back is a reflection of this inner turmoil.
when akito truly loves something, he loves it. his love is all-encompassing and fierce. he loves music. he loves vivid bad squad. he loves vivid street. he loves life. it's this love that pushes him through all those feelings of wanting to lay down and die. he is equal parts despair and hope. he is despair because he believes himself to be inherently inadequate in everything he does, and he is hope because he's stubborn and foolhardy enough to hope that if he keeps trying he might be able to overcome this inadequacy somehow. it's this tug-and-pull of these contradictions that's kept him going. this is something that even ken has acknowledged! if akito didn't have this unique way of knocking himself down only to pull himself back up a little higher each time, he wouldn't have gotten as far as he did.
but that leads us into burn my soul, where we see akito beginning to let go of this. what has kept him going for so many years is no longer serving him. he has a strong support system now and he has developed a real skill for singing and performing, so his previous coping mechanisms have turned into chains. if he wants to keep growing, he needs to start singing from the love in his heart instead of that wild, desperate hope.
it's really incredible to see him realize this - to see how bright he shines when he believes in himself. his passion is contagious. rad weekend and vivid street gave him new life when he had all but lost his, and now he's come full circle and is giving back to vivid street that same life. passion. joy. love.
this is why i love akito so much. i'm always drawn to characters made up of love. like, the above paragraphs aside, akito's really got a big heart, you know? he loves vivid bad squad so much it's ridiculous. you can see it in the way his gruffness goes soft around the edges around them, and his protectiveness over them. he really loves his friends outside of vbs too - kotaro and mizuki being the most notable examples. he loves his big sister. he loves ken, the father he wishes he always had but at least he has him now. he loves the virtual singers. he said meiko could put carrots in her dishes and he'd still eat them. he is amazingly tolerant of rin and len's hyperactive shenanigans when you consider how grouchy and irritable he is any other time. he is truly such a sweetheart.
his favorite foods are desserts and he likes his coffee as sweet as possible but he gets embarrassed ordering it this way in front of others. he gets the biggest goofiest happiest smile on his face when he eats pancakes. he's scared of even teeny tiny chihuahuas. he's physically affectionate - it's hard to get this across with the live2d models but we see their attempts at trying to show him slinging his arm around toya's shoulders. and he is literally constantly leaning on toya in just about every official art they're together in. he hates carrots with the ferocity of a spoiled toddler.
he likes hoodies and jackets that cover most of his hands. he once gave mizuki his lunch because he noticed she didn't have anything to eat. he sings and talks in his sleep. i cannot stress enough how adorable that is. he shields kohane from the wind so she can safely change her contacts. he pretends to be scared when luka jumps out at him from alleys because he didn't react once and she was sad. he teaches len how to play soccer. he lets ena drag him to the mall and just about everywhere else and even though he complains he could very easily refuse her if he actually didn't want to spend time with her.
he purposefully deepens his voice when talking so he seems cooler. he has the most blushing live2d models out of all the "boys." he gets flustered so easily it's so funny. he's very, very bad at math. despite the fits he used to throw at the start of the game, he now seems to carry toya's mountains of arcade plushies for him. he hates doing anything "cutesy" but unfortunately for him he is very cute. he's so special and i love him dearly
#he makes me so happy he's my little guy... *punts him like a football*#project sekai#akito shinonome#mailbox#thanks for asking :) i love talking about prsk so much UGH
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ANOTHER TUKTUK ANALYSIS PT 4
Okay this is more of a discussion. Feel free to join in.
Will keep it brief.
Jungkook is shy. That's not exactly groundbreaking news. What's groundbreaking to me is the why he gets shy and the context within which he acts shy.
Scenario 1: JK walks into a room full of board directors and his cheeks tingles. We can chalk it to his inner koo. Shy at heart from day one. Awkward kid who don't know what to do with himself in a crowd of people.
Right?
But I'd go a little further as to say it's his self awareness and self consciousness rearing it's head. Given the power dynamics between him and this crowd I'd say he's feeling a little judgemental of himself, worried because he has to impress these people while also trying not to say anything stupid or out of touch. He's literally reading the room and adjusting himself to it.
Now typically this is what I think goes on whith him when he has to perform infront of a crowd or in any situation that requires him to put himself up to be judged and to be the center of attraction.
Scenario 2. He walks into a room full screaming fans and he acts shy. Now this time the power dynamics is almost equal. Unless he has reason to believe not eveey one in the audience is a fan, he should feel more at ease perhaps a little nervous but he's not judging himself or worried if he slips he's gonna be judged in this space.
But then suddenly, his cheeks go pink and shy koo rears his head.
Usually I'd assume it's because he's thought of something silly or even naughty and while he finds that amusing his subconscious takes not of just how inappropriate or shameless his thoughts or actions are.
This is usually the case when he is filming an interview and he says something scandalous like preferring sexy outfits to casual fits or admitting he's into something very niched.
His shyness in such instances is usually as a result of him exposing a vulnerable aspect of himself perhaps unwillingly and feeling abit judged about that. He's showing us the real him, his desires no matter how questionable we think it is. Yet it's his truth.
Again this happens when he flirts with a certain member, gets lost in a moment, or when the member expose a truth about him.
So yea, while Koo is naturally a shy boy there's more to him and more to this shyness.
Take his recent shy moment at the premiere for example. It's easy to tell it was probably because he was self conscious about the way he was dressed and particularly that hair do. I wouldn't say he wasn't confident about it, more like he thought it all a big joke. Tae probably teased him about his looks on their way to to carpet and I'd bet he made a few jokes about it himself.
But then, like the goof ball that he is he decides it's not his problem. Yall will have to deal with it.
No biggie.
But I was particularly fascinated by Tae's interactions with him in that moment. I've seen edits of him bumping into Jk and JK asking him what- Korean style. And the interpretation is that kook is shy, Tae clocks that he's shy and bumps into him to check on him.
Now that's sweet and all cos if I had a friend I would want them to cater to me in a time like that. And certainly more so if I was with my girlfriend- I mean boyfriend, just in case Jimin is reading this. Sire for you I'm straight and perpetually single finger hearts.
Tae kook is an interesting duo. I like watching their interactions a lot because I learn more about Kook that way. I like seeing both him and Jimin interact with different people just to see how unique their bond is as a pair.
Plus, Tae kook are great visuals.
As far as aesthetics go, I like seeing Tae with Jin, Tae with Kook and Tae with Jimin or some times Namjoon.
For Kook, I like seeing him with Jimin or Namjoon or Jin.
And for Jimin- honestly I like seeing him with anybody.
That's as far as looks go.
Chemistry wise however it's always going to be Jikook, vmin, minimoni, taejin, yoonmin, Sope, Jin-jimin. Chilee hopemin too💀
Jimin tends to be present with each member such that it renders each of his ships unique. Be it him being a friend and at times dongsaeng to Namjoon or a hyung to Jin.
And while the Maknae is always DEE Maknae of the group, it's interesting to watch him step up and dominate in certain ships.
And I get irritated sometimes when he's constantly babied and taken care of and not allowed to be JUNGKOOK- The man of many a teenagers dreams.
This JUNGKOOK.
The one who takes care of Bam and brushes his teeth, and takes him for a walk, and cooks for him and his friends and holds people's hands and leads them out of the airport.
The cook who puts people to bed and tuck them in and scolds them when they make mistakes and is caring and nurturing.
And it's obvious this side of him pops up more often in certain dynamics than others.
And I know I get ridiculed when I scream about Vmin- but yall just don't get it. One day you will. Jimin caters to Tae. He takes care of Tae and as strong and powerful as Tae is I actually enjoy watching him let his guard down and allowing another person take care of him😔
But I just don't see this in Tae kook. So it's really difficult for me to sing their praise sometimes. I want Jungkook to be his own man and I want Taehyung to be less guarded and broody. Yet Tae is always catering to Jk, babying him- which is not a bad thing really but it is frustrating to watch him give give give when sometimes Jungkook don't even want or care what he gives him.
We heard this man say on Soop how he offered Jk his friendship, for him to treat him like an equal yet Kook insisted on keeping his boundaries with him.
Someone bumps in to you to console you thinking you are feeling nervous and your response is Whuh??
Are you kidding Me?
And their shippers are glamorizing this? Like yall should be concerned💀
It is nice that Jk was posting him on his IG, throwing out invites to members and having him go over to his place. It's nice to see them actively work on their relationship together and maybe as time goes on we will see Kook going to Tae's home, asking him to stay for a chat, cooking for him, checking up on him on the red carpet to make sure he's doing alright too, saying thank you and warming up to him when he takes care of him and not treat him like a bro and friend always taking things for granted and not being fully present with him.
Their dynamic feels awfully one sided. Even when things are going well with them it still feels that way. Tae puts in so much effort, feels open and willing to give. And I see why Tuktukkers tend to hate on Jungkook or why Tae stans don't like him.
Remember when they went nuts because Tae tried to hold his hands at kbs studio and Jk ignored it cos he was I think trying to catch up with Jimin? Brains foggy on the facts a bit but yea. That happened.
Why can't they just understand these two are just friends and Jungkook don't even like Tae like that? He's just not into him. Sorry. Not even a little bit.
This reminds me of the live they did when they were doing arts and crafts and Jungkook's whole body was turned away he was almost out of shot.
Listen, don't think he doesn't know sometimes he's paired with Tae just to please an audience. Don't think he don't know. In fact don't think none of them don't know when they are required to fan service it up.
Most times when he acts like he doesn't want to be there, it's because he doesn't want to be there💀
If all you have for proof of chemistry between them is how Tae acts towards Kook then boy or boy are you in for a rude awakening. Check in with both ship captains if you want to be sane.
Wont lie, as good as they look visually, their interactions can be painful to watch sometimes. And mind you, I'm not being biased here. There was a time I didn't want Jikook to hug each other at all cos it always pissed me off how awkward their hugs were.
Their interactions were so awkward sometimes, Jimin had to literally prompt Kook to act natural around him. Kook used to act as if Jimin was a ticking time bomb and would go off and expose them any minute. These days he is the ticking time bomb Jimin has to watch out for. Totally unhinged.
Kook is not good at faking his feelings. And you see that play out most times in his interactions with Namjoon, Jimin and Taehyung.
I like watching Namjoon nurture and mentor Tae, I like seeing Tae with Yoongi and I like seeing Jimin baby him.
Vmin is not real but at least their affections are mutually reciprocated- most times.
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I feel like it’s time for me to share my theory about 1D’s formation (and why it had been planned well before this X-factor video was shot - though this video did very well at making it seem organic)
A lot of this theory comes from reading stuff from @verily-i-say who, if you weren’t around when she was, worked with reality television and talked about how casting for reality shows works (ie everyone is assigned a role before they are even cast and you just try to find someone who can fit the roles that you need)
Liam giving that talk a couple months back about how 1D was something he believed Simon made for him because of their talk only solidified this theory for me. So lets get into it.
Let’s start with what was going on in pop culture in the start of 2010, and what 1D was originally supposed to be. Because remember, 1D was never supposed to be as big as they ended up being! By 2010 boy bands still weren’t as big as they had been in the late 90s and early 00s. There were the Jonas Brothers who were starting to wind down their activities just by the nature of how long they had been. The producers of X-factor would have known this without any sort of inside knowledge it’s just how pop bands are. They have shelf lives. K-pop was trying hard to pierce the western market but so far nothing had stuck and there was a feeling at the time that kpop would never make it big in the west because of how their bands were crafted/promoted.
What that means is there was room for a boy band. I think Simon and the people in the X-factor knew it was a good time to make a boyband. There was a market for it, and something that needed filled. So they start crafting their story. No group had ever won the X-factor because pre-made groups kinda sucked/weren’t fully crafted the same way they used to be. Clearly this meant they would have more success making a group than anything else.
We know the producers knew of Liam and Louis. I think they started with Liam - and again this is all before we even got to the filmed auditions. I think they had the idea to make the band with these 5 boys from the original auditions and it was ALWAYS going to be them.
Niall filled the Irish niche. They had just opened auditions to Ireland. This was an easy way to gain success in Ireland.
Zayn filled the “ethnic” niche. How else is the group supposed to be “diverse” if they don’t have a POC?
Liam filled the group leader. The band was originally crafted around Liam and I will die by this.
Harry filled the “baby” role. He was the youngest. You think it was coincidence his age was brought up during his filmed audition? No it was meant to cast him as the “baby”. It’s not as intense a role as the “maknae” in kpop groups but it’s a role to fill. It also leads into him being marketed as “adorably slow”. He’s baby.
And Louis? Well Louis filled the “gay” role. Vee has talked about how obvious it is to anyone with eyes that 18 year old Louis was gay. I’ll get into why they needed a gay member in a moment.
So that was their initial set up: Irish, POC, Leader, Baby, Gay. Those are the roles the X-factor deemed they needed for a boyband in early 2010 and then they went about looking for people who fit those roles.
Now, like with any casting, it doesn’t always work out perfectly. You see it constantly in tv shows and reality shows. Audience reaction to people and also just general “character development” changes where people fall. Liam’s role of “leader” and “face” of the band swiftly fell apart because Harry is SO FUCKING CHARISMATIC. If you rewatch any X-factor stuff you can see it happen almost in real time. I could go on a whole tangent about how this affected Liam and Harry’s relationship but that’s not exactly the point of this post and it’s already way too long lol.
But what happened to Louis being “gay” and why did they need a “gay” member to begin with? It goes back to the idea 1D was never meant to be as successful as they are. In 2010 being gay and coming out/or being outted was like… pop culture candy. It was trendy. It got you promo. I’m not saying it’s right but that’s how it was. So I think they always wanted a gay member so that way they guaranteed a 3 album commitment from the boys. Album 1 rides off the back of X-factor. If Album 2 wasn’t as successful you pull out the gay card and BOOM instant interest in album 3. Enough to get Simon’s money worth from the band before they’re allowed to fade into obscurity.
Obviously that didn’t happen. Why? Well for starters the band was INSANELY popular. And secondly 🤷🏼♀️ Larry? They got put in a position with Larry where they couldn’t out Louis even if they needed to without outting Harry and ruining his “role” in the band.
And there’s my theory ✌🏻
#the XFactor video is nice#but I will always stand by the idea 1D was formed in the producers room back in early 2010#before they even stepped foot on the audition stage in June/July
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Ok so Yukari, Marie(P4), Kokonoe and Phonon being unable to use their arms for a while for whatever reason so their s/o needs to feed them, help them change clothes, maybe even wash them.
I'm sorry if this selection of characters is all over the place I just tried to select all the grumpy self reliant women I could think of.
This is surprisingly amusing to think about. I'm fucking flabbergasted it's taken this long to get a P4 ask (I have a P3 one already I've been procrastinating on for days now lmao) but here we are.
Sorry if these start feeling a bit repetitive, this is a more niche ask and there wasn't really much else I could come up with. I still don't know Phonon that well as a character unfortunately so her section ended up being relatively short.
Yukari Takeba
-Chances are, some special shadow did some weird fucky wucky thing and numbed her with some kind of spell the team had never seen before. She was mostly able to dodge out of the way, however it managed to clip her arm.
-Strangely enough, even after the Dark Hour ended, she was still affected, unable to move said arm. Fuuka and Mitsuru would get to investigating this as fast as possible, but until then Yukari would have to cope with this.
-Unfortunately, said paralyzed arm was her dominant one, so she'd need someone to help her out. Thankfully, you were more than willing to help out.
-You'll have to write down her work for her in class and write everything down for her homework. It's a bit of an awkward situation to explain to the teachers so the best you can come up with is that she had a bad chiropractor's appointment that left an arm numb for a while.
-The real awkward situation is when you need to help her change, especially if you're a guy. She really doesn't want anyone else to be around when she'd doing so, however you're realistically her best option. Helping her change is comprised of both of you holding opposite sides of her clothes as she slides into them while you look away. She makes a point that she still has a good arm to clock you if you dare peek at her.
-Naturally until her arm's back to normal, she's not allowed to go into Tartarus. If you left her on her own she'd be bored out of her damn mind, so you choose to stay behind as well to keep her company. Technology unfortunately doesn't work during the dark hour so the two of you pass the time with board games that she's able to play with just her non-dominant hand or good ol' fashioned gossip. She has way more to share than you were originally expecting, giving you a nice reminder to be extra careful to not embarrass yourself in front of her.
-At the very least, she's able to shower on her own, albeit if using just her non-dominant arm is a bit unwieldy. No way in hell though is she letting you jump in the shower with her, even if you're her S/O. She's not nearly ready enough for that.
Marie
-It's kinda hard to choose something for Marie since she doesn't exactly do anything involving the T.V world until the end of the god damn game. Perhaps she took some sort of collateral damage after her boss that injured her arms and made it hurt too much to move them.
-Her pride does not let her admit she needs any help to do anything, she's perfectly capable of functioning normally. At least, until you ask her if she needs help. Her demeanor suddenly becomes a lot more nervous as she stutters out that it'd be nice if you did. She tries to pull the 'it's not because I like you or anything' card, until she realizes that you're her S/O, she can't exactly do that anymore.
-She begrudgingly accepts your help. She does need you to feed her which she will absolutely not allow anyone to see. She's exclusively eating at your house and will refuse to do so otherwise. If you try she'll hurl harsh words your way in a typical Marie fashion.
-It's pretty adorable, honestly, seeing her open wide for each bit of food you give her. If you try to do a here comes the airplane/choo-choo train you're going to get yourself a flurry of angry, near incoherent words as she pouts and looks away. It's pretty hilarious, but don't do that more than once per meal.
-Soon she realizes that she also needs your help to be able to wash herself, mostly because you bring it up first. She instantly turns red as a cherry in the face and tries to slap you, but quickly winces as the harsh pain of trying to move her arm shoots through her body. She reluctantly accepts you have a point.
-Ten minutes later, here you are sitting in your bathroom as Marie's in the tub, letting you wash her back for her. She absolutely refuses to turn around and look you in the eye. It'd probably be best not to lean over to try unless you wanna get a lightning bolt straight to the face.
-Undressing/redressing is a similar process. She demands for you to close your eyes as you hold her clothes in place so she can slip in an out of them. She tries to guide your hands by telling you where to put them, but it's a long awkward process. A lot of "right there! No, you idiot, over here!" is thrown around. Her ability to guide you with your eyes closed is astounding.
-Do not ever let her guide you to some surprise she's got with your eyes closed.
Kokonoe A. Mercury
-Kokonoe was under a pretty big crunch, Sector Seven's top brass had told her to get this extremely complex machine done for whatever the hell they were planning next and the deadline was fast approaching.
-In her rush, she made a grievous mistake that backfired. It ended up severely injuring her arms in the process as she was trying to tinker with it. Thankfully they didn't need to be amputated, but she'd definitely need some time off to heal.
-Being her S/O, she pretty much demanded you helped her out in her daily functions, albeit pretty irked about the situation. She didn't like the idea of being coddled like that.
-She doesn't eat a whole lot normally, just chocolate, silvervine and coffee. On occasion she'll ask you to throw a chocolate from halfway across the room into her mouth. Results vary depending on your accuracy.
-If you want to feed her proper food it'll take some convincing. Just don't tease her for the love of God and just let her eat. If you try teasing her in the same way as mentioned before with Marie you'll be met with a swift headbutt. Though whether that's worth it or not is up to your discretion.
-You'll naturally have to do her laundry for her as well. Chances are it's the first time her clothes have been washed in a while. Helping her dress again means looking down at the ground as she tells you where to guide your hands until she's covered enough for you to look again. On the bright side though, she finally discovers how good it feels to put on fresh clothes. Maybe she should actually start doing her laundry herself more often once she recovers.
-You'll have to fight with Kokonoe quite a bit if you want her to get in the bath her being a cat beastkin with shut-in tendencies. Chances are, she'll just tell you to put some bath bombs in the water and piss off.
Phonon
-EXS can be funny sometimes, and not in a good way. Phonon went a little TOO wild with her powers while she was still getting the hang of them and her sound based abilities fucked up her arms. Moving them felt nigh impossible to do.
-Until this wore off you'd need to help her. She tries to act all high an mighty as part of her dominatrix persona in the Hollow Night, but she's actually surprisingly normal outside of that.
-She's a bit miffed at the situation but she's probably the most cooperative girl here when it comes to letting you assist her overall. She can actually realize the fact that she kinda needs you around, contrary to popular belief. She's self-reliant and confident, but she's not a fool.
-Phonon should be fine overall as long as you don't actively go out of your way to tease her. Try that and she'll promise you're gonna freaking get it the moment she can move her arms again. And considering this is the same young woman that uses a whip in combat...yeah. Best not to fuck around and find out.
-She's a bit more open to helping you wash her thankfully, just as long as you don't try anything funny. Wash her from behind and stay away from anywhere you shouldn't touch. If you do be prepared for a headbutt from behind.
#persona 4 x reader#persona 4#marie persona#under night in birth#phonon#unib#blazblue#kokonoe mercury#persona 3 x reader#persona 3#yukari takeba#yukari takeba x reader#headcanon#relationship headcanons#anon ask#answered#blazblue x reader
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(Sorry in advance for the long message) Hey swaps!! It's been a while since I asked, I got into uni (with my best friend) and started studying creative literature and I needed to let you know that it's partially because of you, and I wanted to sincerely thank you. Otherwise I'd never have had the drive to do what I was passionate about instead of chasing an academic degree that would suck the soul out of me. When I read your stories it's incredible, I really experience the story, that only ever happens when I'm reading something you've written. And I'm not the biggest bookworm but there's something about yours, the way you narrate and tell your characters, you write the story but the characters truly do come alive, and I wanted to be able to tell stories like you. I'm currently attempting to flesh out my own story which I think is going not horribly, but I wanted to ask, how do you stay so true to your characters? I've read your posts and when people ask what would happen in certain scenarios, despite what you want to happen the characters have their own personality. Is there a system you use to get all your words out right or does it just come to you? Honestly any advice you could give would be amazing. Thank you again swaps, I know it might be silly to admire and choose a career because of someone on the internet that you've never met, but there's real passion in your work. We can all see how much you put into writing and it truly does make an impact, even if sometimes you can't see it. I think I speak for all dedicated mass effect, and more niche Mshenko, fans, thank you.
This is not silly. At least to me – this means the world to me, and I cannot thank you enough for telling me. And I am SO excited for you; my creative writing workshops taught me so many valuable things. I hope you love it, thrive in it, and write until your fingers fall off.
I can tell you from being in the workforce for a couple decades now that an English/Creative Writing degree can get you to so many places, because storytelling and the ability to write are skills that are crucial in so many industries. It’s so hard to know how much is out there until you get out in the world and really see it, but if you’re curious, adaptable, and passionate, having the ability to write and tell a good story can open so many doors. It has for me. My Real Life job doesn’t involve fiction, but I write and tell stories in ways I really enjoy every day. So whether you go off and become the next Neil Gaiman, and I hope you do, or you find other fulfilling opportunities, use that passion of yours to do something you love and enjoy the hell out of your uni experience.
On to your question: How do I stay true to my characters?
This is going to be a layered, multi-faceted answer because it’s a layered, multi-faceted question.
Developing characters is a very fluid process for me. I don’t like to get too prescriptive about them early on, because I want there to be room in the story for them to grow. I think there’s a relationship that develops between characters and story: characters shape the stories they’re in and are also shaped by them, and if you’re too rigid about the character sheet you have in your head (or on paper), you miss out on opportunities for them to grow with that story. But if you don’t know enough about them in the beginning, your characters will probably feel flat and inauthentic. I can’t really tell you where the line is between knowing too much and not enough – it’s something you learn by doing, and something you develop instincts for over time.
For instance, I don’t know if this will surprise you, but when I wrote Sonata, which was the first Opus story to get off the drafting board, here are just some of the things I didn’t know about Sam:
The nature of his relationship with Anderson.
What happened to his father aside from, “he went missing.”
Anything about his biotic mentor, other than “krogan.”
His biotic “handicap.”
Those line items are all pivotal to who Sam is as a character. But the details of them weren’t pivotal to Sonata, so I left them as broad strokes, and then filled them in when other Opus stories needed me to. This gave me some freedom to craft those details in ways that elevated both Sam and the story I was trying to tell.
There’s also a lot of value in developing characters from both ends: identifying a formative event/moment in their lives and using it as a guidepost to shape the way they see and interact with the world, and establishing a key behavioral or a character trait and then backing into where it comes from.
Example of the former: Lora Alenko experienced having a teenage son who developed an alien medical condition that resulted in him being taken away from her and coming back as a stranger. What does that do to a parent? How does that shape the way she sees biotics? Sees Kaidan? I think about all of those questions when I write her.
Example of the latter: A simple question with a very complicated answer: Why is Sam Shepard the guy who saves the galaxy? Why him, and not someone else?
So that’s one way I think about characters. Here’s another that I think is equally important. I really subscribe to the ideology that every character is the hero of their own story. They don’t know they’re not the main character. They don’t know what comes next, what the plot is, what the themes are, or how they are supposed to serve the narrative. And for a character to really take on a life of their own, I think it’s really important to write them that way. Otherwise it’s easy for characters to get tangled up in dreams or lives that aren’t theirs, which robs them of some of their agency.
Therefore, whenever I park myself between the ears of a character, I do a lot of interrogation. What’s important to them? What isn’t? What does the world look like through their eyes, and how is that different from the other characters? What do they notice that other characters don’t? What do they miss that other characters don’t? How do they interpret the same series of events compared to another character? And then, here’s the kicker that often results in the gnashing of teeth, pulling of hair, and beating of foreheads against walls: how does that perspective tie into the narrative? Because yes, characters are the heroes of their own stories, but they also have to work within the story you, the writer, are telling, whether they know it or not.
That might sound overwhelmingly complex, and it is. But really what it comes down to is asking questions one by one and seeing where the answers lead you. Sometimes, especially with a character you don’t know well, this can be a lot of painstaking work. But in my experience it’s always worth doing.
I hope any of that helps. Sometimes I feel like the only good writing advice out there is that everyone works differently, and you have to find what works for you.
Thank you again, SO MUCH. Truly. This means so much to me, and I am so excited for you!!!!!
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Emily and Wendell Have No Chill...On Opposite Ends of the Chill Spectrum
Ok, the more you put faerie and academia up next to each other, the more I see similarities between the two that both the academics and the fae would probably be extremely pissy about, from the strict hierarchical structures to the arbitrary rules and the extreme danger of falling in love with them. And yet I'm also EXTREMELY here for it. So let's talk Emily Wilde's Map of the Otherlands.
THERE ARE SPOILERS BELOW THE BREAK. BE WARNED.
Emily and Wendell are on the same page about when it is appropriate to go absolutely feral, but they would NOT agree with that. Emily can shake off the otherlands, random faerie assassins, and absolutely godawful living conditions during fieldwork but cannot handle other humans. Wendell can shake off *actively dying from faerie poison* and entirely too credible accusations of academic misconduct, but literally cannot handle a lack of coffee.
So naturally Wendell is panicking every time Emily gets too near the otherlands without him and Emily is absolutely losing it every time Wendell ignores common sense and uses his magic which exacerbates the effects of the poison. Literally these two are falling over each other to try to protect each other. It's wonderful--I wouldn't change a thing.
I also want to just double down on academics being JUST as terrifying as fae, because in the first book Emily didn't HESITATE before chopping a finger off to break an enchantment and in this one she didn't think twice before dropping the same poison that is killing Wendell into his stepmother's cup. This woman is absolutely terrifying in her determination and her ability to do the thing she has decided is absolutely necessary. Like, Emily Wilde is a terrifying force of nature and a damn fine scholar and the level of personal and professional jealousy I feel over this fictional character knows no bounds.
So beyond Emily and Wendell being just AGGRESSIVELY in love with each other in the most academic way possible, this book is fun because we get some resolution to the mystery of Danielle De Gray's disappearance, which was heavily referenced in the footnotes of the last book, and is one of the great dryadologist mysteries. I absolutely adore the fact that Emily is so determined to find out what actually happened to this academic in whom she sees herself. It makes her success so much greater and it makes the "don't meet your heroes" disappointment so much funnier when the real Dani catastrophically crashes into the De Gray that Emily had constructed in her head. It's funny and heartbreaking and honestly the fact that Dani then sort of...adopts Emily as a researcher in her own vein is awesome. Academic respect and mentorship is...a weirdass combination of doing it yourself with imagined mentor figures and deeply flawed people who just wanted to learn everything about something niche and specific and are really cranky about being saddled with students.
Which brings me nicely to Farris Rose. Rose is...a stodgy old white man academic in every sense, and he starts by threatening to have both Emily and Wendell fired for academic misconduct and fabricating research. He ends up with one ear on backwards and offering to mentor Emily in her academic career. He is also like...the absolute chaotic evil scholar, because he is VERY cool about ethical lapses if they get him on the expedition of the century. And he is also VERY comfortable lecturing Emily on her personal life. Even after she is pretty clear that his commentary is not terribly welcome.
The number of academic friendships that begin in open conflict is astounding, and honestly the "bitter enemy on the basis of their scholarship to grudging allies to actual friends" pipeline is VERY fun to watch. It's a special hell to live, but watching it is delightful.
Emily also grudgingly gets a student in this book! And after all the crap she gave Wendell about how he treats his grad students in the last book, she could possibly have been less brusque and less ornery with her dang niece!!! Ariadne is literally a ray of sunshine though, and she and Wendell get along like a house on fire to the point where he makes her a scarf for protection in the field. She and Emily uh...have a bit of a journey in terms of getting on, because Emily prefers to be on her own, and she like...intellectually loves her niece, but it takes some time for her to respect Ariadne as a baby researcher who is enthusiastic and learning. Their journey to understanding each other is really sweet, and I enjoyed it. I also love that Uncle Wendell was Uncle Wendell for Ariadne long before Aunt Emily actually accepted his proposal. That was just adorable.
I also really appreciate the cliffhanger that this book left us on. Emily and Wendell are going back to the Silva Lupi, but they literally do not know what they'll find. The assumption is that Wendell's stepmother is dead, but like...we don't KNOW that, and I wouldn't be surprised if she found some crafty and utterly hellscape-y way to avoid a terrible death by faerie poison. Especially since Wendell himself has hammered home the "there are no absolutes in faerie stories" message. So I might actually die waiting for book 3, but when it comes out, I will 1000% be there to read it.
#emily wilde's map of the otherlands#emily wilde#wendell bambleby#faeries#adult fantasy#cozy romance#books and reading#books#books and novels#books & libraries#book recommendations
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Why I'm not a fan of the seaborn: complaint 2. This is definitely the less important issue, but I'm not going to let that stop me.
Before I get into it: I am currently doing real studies with evolutionary modeling, like publishable academic stuff, so I know what I'm talking about.
Evolution cannot happen to an individual creature. Ever. Pokemon lied to you. Evolution is the gradual change of gene frequencies in a population over time due to natural selection. Anything else is not evolution (in the context of biology). Whatever the endspeaker is doing is not evolving... unless it is.
One of the very few ways what we see might actually be evolution is if the seaborn are actually a symbiotic microorganism with a very short life cycle which can rearrange the cells of it's host (sort of like the Thing from The Thing). This would explain how so many things with radically different structures can be considered the seaborn, and it also quite handily explains how people can become seaborn. This headcanon alone allows me some relief from these fucking things.
For this next bit I'm going to put aside the fact that they can somehow just create meat when they need more, because if I account for that the "evolutionary" pathway they take makes even less sense.
So let's actually apply the concept of natural selection to the sea terrors shall we? To start off I would like to address the fact that the AEgirians didn't use their advanced technology to fight these things, because the seaborn would then evolve to that level and become unstoppable. That is not how this works.
Do you know what happens if you shoot a fish with a laser cannon? I'll give you a hint: it doesn't grow a laser cannon. Natural selection doesn't produce "better" gene frequencies, major negative traits disappear first and optimization or the emergence of new beneficial traits happens slowly afterwards.
The scenario is they are invading another creature's niche, and that creature is very effectively fighting back. So, which strategy is more likely to get you removed from the gene pool: continuing to push into enemy territory but with slightly better armor, or just staying the fuck away from the people with laser cannons? Evolution always takes the easy way out, not the best way, the easy way. Want to know why every terrestrial vertebrate has 4 limbs? Something crawled out of the ocean with four limbs, and it was simpler to move those ones around than make new ones.
Would the fish growing a laser cannon help them take over new environments, thus out-competing the ones who just stayed away? Sure, but there's no easy path to get there, so they would never get the chance to reach that point. (When talking about genetic algorithms, this is called a local maxima, look it up!)
In even a mildly realistic scenario of creatures like this actually being driven by natural selection, the situation would become a case of dealing with an exceptionally dangerous invasive species, rather than an existential threat to all other forms of life. As per my opinion in part 1, this would have been better.
The seaborn are presented as this purely natural selection driven menace, when in reality they're just the evil army of an ocean god-monster. The driving will to consume all other forms of life isn't natural selection talking, it's at best an excuse Ishar'mla uses so that He can get what He wants, and at worst a case of the writers genuinely trying to write a natural selection driven antagonist, assuming they understand the concept, and not bothering to check if they are right. And it really looks to me like the second one is more likely.
All they had to do was not make them the focus, not make them an existential threat. You can still do the themes of individuality vs conformity with a smaller-scale hive mind. You don't need another planetary-scale environmental threat, you have originium! I could forgive the poorly applied scientific principles, if they weren't such a mess narratively as well. If they had taken this approach the seaborn might have even been one of my favorite parts of this game (they have actually hinted at the possibility of the seaborn deciding that coexistence is actually the best survival strategy, and that would be super cool!). Unfortunately, as it is, the seaborn are bad.
Part 1
#all of this is me being VERY generous about letting science issues slide by the way#I didn't even mention energy expenditure#arknights#seaborn#ramblings
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(This is an older post I drafted, the creator mentioned in it posted their videos probably a month or so ago)
The unfortunate truth is that we live in a world of social media that begs for people to seek clout and attention. Don't get me wrong, the desire for attention is natural. It's not a bad thing to want people to pay attention to you. However this causes issues when one lies and slanders in order to achieve it.
If any of us are on shifttok we've definitely by now been made aware to at least some degree of another user claiming to be a 2020 shifter who lied about the entire thing (and they aren't the first over the years to cause this sort of controversy and will not be the last). I only partially recognize this current accuser, I do believe they probably had some really successful content back then because I'm sure I've seen them before. They just came out and said they lied about the entire thing, and they tacked some other things onto their own confession: They accused other shifters of lying and claimed a lot of BS things about shifting and shifters in general.
Now I won't go point by point because while I have watched all their videos on the matter, I just don't care enough to go back through them and rebut every point. Their arguments are disorganized and seem to be largely vengeful, I don't really take them seriously. Either way these aren't new thoughts, I don't care to debate with someone who's already made their mind up. But I do want to talk about this subject itself.
A lot of us follow other shifters and find inspiration in them. That's normal and so motivating, I know I have a few who I love and trust and their content just motivates me so much. But! I caution us against resting our shifting journeys upon these people, or any people for that matter.
Unfortunately the shifting community, especially on tiktok, is niche and very small in terms of who will put their face and names to it. When you have a community like that, it's very enticing. You can be one of the brave souls to put their identity onto their shifting in the public eye. You'll gain a lot of followers and praise, and you'll sacrifice the fact that your family and friends and coworkers will forever know that you think you can transport yourself to Hogwarts. It's not easy to be a creator in the shifting world, but it does get you attention. And some people just want attention.
Not only because of this, but also because of the nature of the internet and social media in general, I just caution you to make sure you're putting others' shifting journeys in the proper context. As brutal as it is, you cannot ever truly know if someone is lying. You can follow someone and believe them, and have them one day come out and say they were lying. You can see someone and become convinced that they're lying about their shifting, when they've actually been shifting this whole time. You just cannot know. It's not possible to prove if someone has shifted before.
For myself, I try to be level headed and logical about the people I follow. I definitely follow people who I think are lying, and people who I feel firmly are not. I follow both groups because I cannot possibly know the actual truth. I cannot prove or disprove either way. The only thing I know, is that we are in community with one another, and if this person is sharing motivational posts or things of value, that's what matters to me.
And if they're lying? Well they can still actually shift for real, and I want that for them. I've seen many accounts from people who have disbelieved in shifting and then all the sudden found themselves able to shift. Even those who are currently lying are not unable to actually shift. They still can! Anyone can!
When you're on shifting social media, I just caution you to be wary of the way you're viewing your favourite creators. Don't pedestal them, don't let yourself form parasocial bonds with them. Recognize them for who they are - shifters you don't know who are motivating you. These are people in your shifting club. And there is no verification process to join, only trust.
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this is not my usual type of post but ive been rotating some thoughts and i guess my blogs as good a place as any to get them organized. okay so this is basically my take on the entire discourse surrounding the "feminine (presumed cis lets be honest) women are uniquely oppressed for being feminine/making female characters quote unquote Less Feminine is antifeminist" thing. which i keep seeing come up. on this internet of ours
context being im a trans guy. grew up largely seen by others as female, probably, sort of. was about as far from a cishet womans feminine as you can imagine. not in a cool tomboy way. not in a way that society had a box for. and thats the thing, is that when you fail at gender, whether youre conscious of it or not, theres this extremely profound loneliness that comes with it. part of it was the autism but i made like 6 real-life friends total from ages 4 to 18 and there were no examples of anyone with an even remotely adjacent experience i could find in the media or irl. anytime a female character skirted a little too close to actual masculinity in a tv show or movie shed get that makeover eventually. i was bullied by both boys and girls but the girls who bullied me were uniformly very feminine.
and so i see people talking about how hard feminine women and girls have it, how the world hates them for being beautiful, and on the one hand its like okay, Misogyny Exists. thats not really refutable thats just the reality of it. society hates women. and as for eurocentric femininity specifically i understand its a hard tightrope to walk!!! you have to put on all these masks BUT make them seem natural, youre forced into these narrow boxes of acceptable behavior and appearance and desires, and if you under- or over-shoot then people get reminded the whole thing is a farce and get mad (often violently!) at YOU for it
........but then my thing is, that on one side of the tightrope, the "overperforming eurocentric femininity" side, the tradwife or girlboss or blonde bimbo side, theres an entire history of structural trope-crafting to break your fall, right. like its a shitty box but its the box society WANTS you to be in. they look at you and go "yep thats a woman. we dont like those but that sure is one". there are known social niches to carve out. theres a script.
on the unfeminine side theres just. nothing. its stone cold concrete down there. and apparently twitter would have you believe its actually that the "more masculine" somebody presumed female appears the more society respects them but that to me is the wildest and most nonsense take on the planet because if people see you as a woman or girl who has not taken the needed steps to justify your place as one of those things you might as well be an alien, or even a monster. theres no script at all. and i feel like this is one of the major experiences that trans and gnc people of every gender share-- god knows trans women get the brunt of the vitriol-- and from my knowledge a lot of nonwhite people too, and also fat and disabled people, like. there are SO many things that affect your ability to achieve even a fraction of success at this aspirational femininity.
ive had to see people for real make the argument that princess peach making an angry face is masculine. i think the most masculine woman anyone on twitter can imagine right now is like a businesswoman in a form-fitting pantsuit and light mascara. maybe the struggle of succeeding at femininity under patriarchy deserves exploration, ive seen plenty of coherent and reasonable points, its not without worth as a discussion. but i do not trust the general public with the topic without immediately sliding into bog standard gender policing and transphobia, and so in closing, when the mainstream feminist take on the whole thing seems to be "the more you perform the femininity expected of you the worse you have it", i get the sensation that nobody told me it was opposite day and im about to feel real silly
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