#autistic man also never talks to women irl | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

polychaeteworm · 7 months

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Here it is, the long awaited pin post (will be edited later)

If I have followed you and you are a dark/horror/goth/traumacore or Saltburn blog, it was @neurotheascars that hit the follow button.

(currently only on mobile)

Hello I'm Orn, I'm the alien system host of a 31 year old human body with 8 alters inside, this is just my blog though. I'm a mixed media artist and I know more mediums then I can remember to count. I give advice compulsively so if you have a weird art supply question my inbox is open and anons are on. I know all about glue, polymer, proper glitter use, and UV colors.

Aro/ace-spec, into men as a man and women as a women.

I'm also a green wizard and I've been doing weird art based magic for about 11 years

On this blog you'll find a nice mixed bag of the following: Precambrian explosion and Paleo fun, speculative biology, green magic and experimental occult content, 420 weed posting, plants, pendantic info dumps, artwork(both mine and not), web 1.0 tech nostalgia and autism/did/disability content!

I was formally diagnosed with the demand avoidant flavor of ASD when I was 7 and can't live alone but remain very independent in spite of my support needs. I have lots of trouble wording things and as an alter I've become hyper verbal out of a fear of being misinterpreted. ABA therapy abused my system into having a pretty convincing mask so Sorry Not Sorry but I am a living breathing wall of text in this space.

Other bs I deal with- DID, hypermobility, fibromyalgia, dyspraxia, low vision/legal blindness, irlen syndrome, complex synesthesia, hyperphantasia, and really uncontrolled maladaptive daydreaming

I grow cannabis in a legal state and use it to treat my various issues.

I am posic and objectum about plants and old technology and that is liable to come out a lot on this blog. I currently have a courting/platonic relationship with a Philodendron Solleum Named Basaran and a committed platonic partnership with a large MFC office printer named Leviathan. I've had several committed romantic relationships with older computers, but currently don't have an alive and well computer partner.

Other blogs I'm connected to:

My irl human(dog) partner is @guromechanical TW: don't go here if you're not fucked in the head 18+

@neurotheascars Saira's side blog, trauma holding alter, goth aesthetics and vent posts. TW for traumacore, unreality and blood/SH specifically. If you are a Saltburn, traumacore, or otherwise dark gothic blog it is most likely Saira that has followed you.

If Saira is co-fronting or informing a post here, it will be tagged with ⚔️

Saira has more severe difficulty with communicating and needs a bit more patience than me.

Finally:

Some things about interacting with me:

I sometimes struggle to reply to people in a timely manner, but you can always poke me for a response.

I never ask bad faith questions or make bad faith assumptions. I'm a safe person to talk to if you struggle to understand language because I have alters that struggle like that. If I'm not understanding something, an analogy usually helps.

I practice kindness and I will match your energy. I am a high empathy autistic and this means the worst name I'm gonna call anyone is an asshole and asshole is a title that is temporary and fleeting because even the humans I hate are humans who are alive and make mistakes. I dislike making people feel bad so I do not hurl insults. If you give me anon hate I'm just gonna wish you well. Anger is born of pain, even if misplaced. I receive rage like a wall, so don't bruise your fists on me please.

I try not to follow minors but if I have followed you for any reason and you don't want me to follow you just lemme know and I'll comply. No issues.

I prefer minors to not follow me, but reblogging @ing, hearting, ect is totally fine.

#pinned post #about #orn rambles

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florenceisfalling · 28 days

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gripping [redacted irl person] by the shoulders.

it does not matter how many r/egg_irl astolfo memes you pull up quite literally asking for random people (including cishets you just met???) to figure out your gender for you. the other queers are not going to feel safe around you when you spend your entire time on campus harassing people, misgendering transmascs in romantically/sexually charged ways, and getting a trans woman (who you Also misgender!) kicked out of her fucking housing. using "i wanna be a girl but im still cis though 👉👈" doesn't come across as endearing anymore when you tell younger transmascs that you wanna make them your gf and have kids with them, or when you used to tell everyone you were a cishet dude and literally fucking ran to physically chase down lesbians you'd never spoken to walking alone at night, or when you. I REITERATE. got a fucking trans woman kicked out of her dorm while calling her a man!! force her to switch to different housing by calling the fucking campus police on her because youre sad!!! and then lie saying she called them on you!!!! the only reason i felt bad for you and was nice to you was bc i thought you were just a sad maybe-autistic maybe-ace person who needed friends (and then maybe-trans maybe-woman maybe-lesbian) but your college experience seems dedicated to making life as hard as possible for every autie, trans person, woman, ace person, lesbian, and various mixes of the above you encounter - and then fucking lying and threatening everyone you consider your "friends" to get what you want after they repeatedly ask you to stop. i had enough of this when my exfriend fucking molested a girl and then said "i think i might be a transbian" as a poor attempt at an excuse (as if tgirls get away with that shit? as if they arent horribly scrutinized??) until all his cis guy friends forgot abt the girl's trauma and then went back to "nvm im a cishet guy :)" once everyone was chill with him again. i am fucking beyond tired of it now that its someone pulling the "i think i might be a transbian too" after fucking up so bad you couldve made a tgirl homeless and openly misgendering and mistreating other tgirls and sexually harassing other queers and refusing to spend any time around trans people (except for those you perceive as cis women - of course, including trans people who don't pass to your liking). stop asking me to decide whether your egg needs cracked or not and start treating trans women (and everyone else, too, what the fuck is wrong with you??) with respect and maybe you'll get some satisfying advice (since you didnt take mine) but at this point everyone is either scared of you or fucking hates you and theres not a single trans person ive met on this campus who has anything to say about you other than "oh yeah, that person stalked me/my friends". like sorry if im a little hesitant to validate you (AS IF YOU DESERVE IT AFTER CALLING SECURITY ON A TGIRL TO KICK HER OUTTT MY GOD I HATE YOU) but you also said "oh dont worry im ace :)" after sending weird sexual shit to someone (after they asked you to fucking QUIT) so youre not new to using your identity as a shield and now turning around and talking abt how you MAYBE are HYPOTHETICALLY a tgirl teehee but you cant decideeeee doesnt change the fact that your actions suck ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!! EXPLODE

#serious transphobia/sa/harassment mention sorry

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dullahandyke · 3 months

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and now part 3 of the case 4 liveblog! during this one mam audibly commented on how much i was writing in my note book lols

ok yiss we're back boyssss it's been like a week? wowza

ah. i had forgotten i was still dealing with the garridebs when we left off. :grimace:

yeah i don't like dealing w them can we leave pls

sholmes music is banging tho

oh no susato do Not look to these fucks as an example of a romantic couple

SHAMSPEARE SPOTTED

hi shamspeare i like your vibe

god the costume jewelry is a sight to see in the 1900s tho. boy who gave you a sceptre

hiiiii natsume it's been too long... i also like your vibes

sholmes eavesdropping... girl weren't they speaking japanese????

love love love when susato turns to look at me. are you seeing this shit naruhodo-san

can't get over natsume's sopping wet pleading face

'natsume's room s cursed' are we sure that's not just a gas leak

i like sholmes's thing about belief it's v sweet

ASOUGI FLASHBACK!!!! hi asougi :)

sholmes's trout dinner.... pov dinner date w herlock sholmes he leaves you for a doohickey

love susato's fist pump sprite.... patron saint of 'we are so fucking back'

20th feb.... huh that's tomorrow. contemporaneous playthru stays winning

'do all literary people take things so literally' first off youre one to talk ryuu second off autism on autism violence????

christ bvz's cracking out the wine early

bvz you're not doing yourself any favours by toasting to the victim's death

also i love susato's description in the profiles.... a huge help to ryuu always <3

also nice to have a non0murder case for a change. usually have to go to the audio cds for that

christ they really did give us precious little evidence from that investigation huh

boooo bvz don't waste good wine like that

ok predictions: blunt knife tip + lack of actual death = green is in on a plot to frame natsume

literally where would we be without susato. god bless

also ryuu appreciation he's so cute. little shaking sprites... his kind cow-like eyes have bewitched me

bvz's blue eyes unnerve me... get him some brown contacts. or at least dark grey

ryuu going back to nervous sprites... dw my boy it will be ok

YES SUSATO THREATEN THAT VAMPIRE BITCH!!!

also donut lips juror 5... :frowning2:

love ryuu's little wall slam. him klav + mvk are a holy twinity

fairplay leading the jury is also for sure some 'get natsume found guilty + we'll find you innocent' deal

yes ryuu know your rights do the examination <3

gregson in the background of the courtroom during the summation examination... lol

banging music continues to be banging

juror 2's freakishly tiny mouth irks me... girl how do u eat

ryuu should have called juror 2 a racist idiot to her face

ryuu why did you think asking garrideb abt natsume's character would workout

u can tell i don't play new games by how impressed i am by the animation of ryuu pacing as the camera follows him. real movie magic right here

surely juror 5 would've seen natsume if he jumped the trench tho... bvz what's the plan

booooooo once again bvz is way less cool without the cloak

points. the lovecore fucks have been spotted

also according to jules, your man was originally irish so in my mind he continues to be such

points at roly. autistic as fuck to be chewing his chin strap

'patrolling the beat is the most demanding work in the world' clearly someone's never been in the tumblr trenches

if i knew the beates irl i'd literally die from romance repulsion but patricia gets a pass for being cute. she needs to divorce that cop and get herself a real man (me)

society if this game treated fat women with even an ounce of respect

disliking the persistant domestic abuse jokes(?) this case... so uncomfy

the beats theme does not... feel fitting. for either courtroom or investigative scene

love ryuu's confident smirk... he's so >:)

bvz you need to get susato tossed so damn badly

'one of britain's guiding principles is tolerance' lol. lmao even

bvz's scowl sprite looks like 'eat yo sandwich bitch! the fuck you looking crazy for

LEGSLAM

i can so vividly envision juror 2's instgram it's awful

my god a third abusive wife... i have a feeling it's abusive wives instead of husbands bcos abusive husbands are more likely to be taken seriously/not treated as a bit joke and i dont like it

#the gaelic athletic attorney

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menalez · 9 months

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(context: post about straight men in bdsm & polyamory)

So I've been a BDSM Professional for 5+ years (meaning I work in house, in a dungeon, every week, multiple days)

I love it. It saved my life. Got me out of a bad relationship financially. Repaired my relationship with my dad. The women I work with empowered me to be a strong adult woman.

& yeah, some of those men irk the women who work professionally because...

entitlement. I don't go Male Dom/ Fem sub parties because I don't like the feeling of being spoken to like I'm a shy damsel who's enamored by ~ uwu man in suit! ~ I wish I could express how it goes, but it's along the lines of "Well hello there! I haven't seen you around here, you MUST be new! "(GAG, NO im NOT) So what kind of play are you into? (*I tell them as a Switch I love paddles, floggers, etc*) Their demeanor changes quickly, realizing that it'll be a challenge to "dominate" me because I'm not easily impressed. The conversation ends soon after, and they find someone who thinks they're cool.

To this I say I LOVE AUTISTIC MEN IN BDSM. Like, the men who are obviously pretty autistic. Why? Because the conversations are more to the point. "What do you like? Nice. Wanna see the toys I have? Thank you for looking. Is there a chance you'd like to engage in play? Wonderful."

A lot of those first men I mentioned DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE TOYS. For fucks sake, the fact that they need to wear a leather jacket to throw a whip around because they'll hit themselves on the recoil??

Some guys think that their strength makes them impressive. So you'll see them spend a good 30 minutes wailing on someone (who likes it and wants it, mind you) but it's like...all they do. Idk how to explain, but there's no technique. No build up. No rhthym It's super performative. Like...there's nothing wrong with having a to the point play style. What I'm saying is that those guys use 1 toy, pretty hard, for 30 minutes...then confidently say "You must be new here!". Ick.

Thats like, something just annoying.

Problematic stuff includes talking about their race play in places where non consenting parties can hear (even in kink spaces, no one wants to hear about it and I've never heard of FemDoms doing this irl) *This isn't to say I'm against race play if that's what the sub wants. It just isn't something to talk about openly and casually.

We also have complaints from Trans Women and Trans Men in the community that some problematic straight guys will identify as non-binary to diffuse their hate. They actually speak out a lot about those guys that are Masc presenting but try to hover in women's spaces, which is good. Trans women have a really good reputation in the kink scene, they don't mind policing people trying to abuse that label for their gain. The Trans Men go off too. They're not gatekeeping the word non-binary, they just call it out when an unlikeable person suddenly says that they are.

So yeah, that's just my perspective on the topic of straight guys in the BDSM scene...and how you being sus about them isn't too far off from how ProDommes /Switches also feel. We don't think they're all that. I don't know any Pros who think they're revolutionary (including Pro Submissives)

I don't have too much experience with polyamory.

I'm also employed by a Trans Woman in the BDSM scene, and our management is in a polycule (small business). My witnessing irl of polyamory has been that very functional example. I know there's issues too on that topic with the problematic straights, but I just can't speak from personal experience.

So my experience & telling of this is coming from a place of wanting the vanilla world to know "YEAH, we're aware of some of these straight guys that make you feel iffy. We don't put them on pedestals. " Idk, the most amazing men I've met in kink have never had to boast about their dominance and polyamory. They just get pussy & spank ass & keep it pushing.

And keeping it real, these Doms are SO nervous in person lmao.

I MEAN IT. Male Subs? Those motherfuckers will look you in the eye and say "Yeah I have a 10 inch vibrating dildo in my ass as we speak and I've been locked in chastity for 2 years. I want you to step on me and tell me I'm even less than shit. I want you to tell me I'm SUCH shit that I come out of my own asshole. Also, don't think I'm weird, but is it possible to pay extra to see you topless? If that was rude please feel free to slap the shit out of me"

Male Doms: "uwu, you new here? 👉🏻👈🏻"

your stories just made me think of a massive room filled with this man's clones

the male subs thing was disturbing 😭but those male doms u were talking about just sound like sadists that use kink as a means of getting out their aggression, based on how u described them.

that said, im surprised that the biggest thing worth mentioning for you is the entitlement and overconfidence, i expected some really fucked up shit because ive heard a lot of awful stories about kink spaces & the 'doms' ive known have all been ..pretty awful people

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positivityforlesbians · 2 years

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how do i even start to flirt, talk, date women? i didn't know i was a lesbian until a few months ago(i'm 22 which is so embarrassing and last year i thought i was bi but through the year i self reflected and i think i'm gay, but idk since i'm a virgin and never had sex with anyone, cause sex scared me honestly, but that was before i thought of sex with women, also doesn't help that i'm autistic, this is so embarrassing) anyways i have a lot of fears about all of it and was hoping you could help. can you even know if you're lesbian without trying to have sex with men? and why did i used to like men sexually or did i just think i did? and why do i feel sorta dirty or creepy when i think of women in a romantic or sexual way? i feel ashamed sometimes and i feel bad sometimes for not feeling "prideful" like other wlw on the web and having what i think it internalized homophobia. i'm moving to pittsburgh in a few months and i'm hoping it'll be more safe/open to lgbt people, it'll be better than my small(small minded as well) hick town but i know it's not as progressive as places like nyc or seattle. this was a very long post but i'm just very very nervous and scared about all of this. i want to be in a relationship with a woman but is it too soon or could i be wrong? i don't wanna hurt someone or be hurt myself. how do i even talk to women? do masc women want me(a more feminine woman i guess) to make the first move? and if so how? ive thought about going up to one and trying to even talk to them but i don't wanna offend and i don't know how to flirt without blushing and acting like a fool. anyways this is a lot of questions so i understand if you can't answer them all but any advice or support would help.

Hi ! I'm seeing your ask and since I'm autistic as well I have many of the difficulties you have, so I might not be entirely helpful. What I can say with certitude is that you don't need to have sex with a man to know you're not into them, just like the huge majority of straight people don't need to have sex with the same sex to know that they're straight. Knowing you don't desire sex/romance with men and instead want sex/romance with women is all you need to know that you're a lesbian.

"Why did i used to like men sexually or did i just think i did?" I'm not in your head to know what were your thoughts but I would say a possible lesbian experience is trying to mimic a straight life (even unconsciously) out of internalised lesbophobia but never being satisfied of it since it's not true to who you are. So a lesbian cannot have liked men sexually in the past, I know you're talking about fantasies only here but it still stays true, at best you can have been mistaken and realised that no, you want nothing to do with that and even the perspective of it doesn't make you happy, rather upset or dead inside, which is really about getting in touch with one's feelings that were always there but hidden behind shame (the same shame that you describe when you say you currently don't feel "prideful", don't worry, these things take time and regardless you can just feel neutral about being same-sex attracted, as in "it's a non-event, I'm just normal" sentiment, it's good enough).

For the rest like I said I struggle too with how to flirt in the intention of dating a woman (I can flirt as a joke/ not seriously) as these involves mechanisms a lot of us (who are autistic) struggle with, mostly communicating, understanding and mirroring social cues in order to create, maintain and even strengthen a bond, opening up/ being vulnerable with her which I think is related to having high empathy when it comes to irl interpersonal relations, making frequent eye contact, showing up often, etc. So we know approximatively what to do, but we have to overcome our own "barriers" to create opportunities with women we want to date. I would say yes you can 100% make the first move on a more masculine woman, it's what I would do anyway and if you blush then that's just one more proof to her that you're interested. Usually they find that cute anyway ! Xx

#anonymous #my answers #lesbian safe #dating #internalized lesbophobia #disabilities #lesbian advices

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molsno · 3 years

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I’m skipping the middleman on that trans ask game and just answering all the questions myself <3

this is long so it’s under a read more

1. How did you choose your name?

in senior year of high school, while I was in french class, I was thinking about the word vivre, to live, and how it conjugated. I forget what tense it is, but one way of conjugating it is “nous vivions”, and it dawned on me that the name vivian is based on the word vivre (or its latin origin). of course, I already liked the name due to the character from paper mario ttyd, but knowing that it means life really spoke to me, as I think the ability to live is a precious thing that shouldn’t be wasted. I decided pretty much then and there that I would name my daughter vivian some day. well... then I got the chance to play a character in my friend’s danganronpa killing game, and I thought playing a girl would be interesting. granted, I also already knew I was an egg and saw this as an opportunity to try out my favorite name, so I created vivian tamochi. as you might have guessed, I loved being her so much that I made vivian my actual name

2. What gives you the most dysphoria?

um, hearing recordings of my own voice probably. I always think that I sound very feminine but then I hear a recording of myself and it sounds like a bad impression

3. Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria?

more social I guess? actually yeah I think all of the dysphoria-induced breakdowns I’ve had have been because of social things

4. What do you do to perform self-care when you’re feeling dysphoric?

something that helps a lot is shaving, especially when it’s a fullbody shave

5. What was the first time you suspected you were transgender?

this is a bit embarrassing but it was honestly christmas eve 2018. I saw my little cousin (I think she was 8 at the time) wearing a pretty dress and I felt sort of jealous that I never got to do that when I was her age. I was so confused about this feeling that I told my trans friend kyra about it and after asking me to clarify what I meant she linked me to the egg_irl subreddit. that was the first time I seriously considered it

6. When did you realize you were transgender?

I told my friend amanda how I’d been confused about my gender and she offered to take me to goodwill to try on some clothes. I was extremely nervous about it while we were there and I really had to work up the courage to not only pick out some clothes to try, but also take them to the fitting room with me. but once I put on a skirt for the first time I stood there for like a solid 5 minutes just looking at myself in the mirror with the biggest happiest smile on my face. in that moment I finally understood what gender euphoria was. I couldn’t deny I was trans any longer, it was just a matter of working up the courage to tell people

7. What is your favorite part of being transgender?

um, probably that I feel like a person now. also the little things, like seeing my hips get bigger or looking at how long my hair has gotten. just little things to smile about!

8. How would you explain your gender identity to others?

um, I’m girl <3

9. How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? Or what happened when you were outed?

I mean it depends on who, but I decided to do it on national coming out day 2019, in my discord server with friends. basically I commented on it being national coming out day and reposted my intro in the introductions channel with my new name and pronouns. everyone there sorta saw it coming I’m pretty sure

10. What have your experiences been with packing or tucking?

I’ve tucked a few times in public. it’s uncomfortable for sure, but not terrible once you get used to it. the idea of it made me squeamish at first, I’ll admit. but since I haven’t had much excuse to go out in girlmode the past year or so, I haven’t tucked much

11. What are your experiences with binding or wearing breast forms?

the closest I’ve ever gotten to wearing breast forms is wearing a bra every day for..... almost a year now? it doesn’t serve much purpose other than letting me feel something there, though that is changing since I’ve been on hrt for several months

12. Do you pass?

I mean... probably not? I feel like I’m very visibly trans. there have been like two times where I’ve been gendered correctly in public (one in girlmode, one not) but those are extremely rare

13. What (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition?

well I’ve been on hrt for 8 months now so that’s one thing. I want to get laser hair removal for my facial hair because that’s one of the biggest sources of dysphoria for me, but yknow. that’s expensive! according to my understanding my insurance supposedly should cover bottom surgery, but I’m honestly in no rush to get that. I don’t really have much bottom dysphoria, but it would be nice to get surgery some day

14. How long have you been out?

it’s been about a year and two months now...... time flies

15. What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set?

up until I was like 17 I was incredibly insistent on being cis and straight despite very obvious (in retrospect) signs to the contrary. around 18 I was very confused why all my friends were lgbt in some form and also I kinda started realizing I don’t mind dick, and I thought it would all make sense if I was bi. I identified as cis and bi for like 4 years or so but the longer it went on the more wrong it felt considering I had never once during that time been attracted to a man

16. Have you ever experienced transphobia?

surprisingly not really? the most transphobia I’ve experienced has been a result of automated processes like proctored testing or emails. of course, I’ve seen all the nasty shit that terfs say about people like me, but I’ve never been a victim of it directly

17. What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public?

if there is a universal restroom that I can lock from inside then I use that. if not, I sigh dramatically and sadly use the men’s room

18. How does your family feel about your trans identity?

truthfully I don’t know. my mom seems accepting enough, but with the pandemic going on I haven’t talked to her much. I know my sister is aware, and shockingly she seems supportive too, but we haven’t talked about it in depth

19. Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth?

if I could go stealth I would. I’m sorry but I don’t want to be visibly trans

20. What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans?

the sooner you start transitioning the happier you’ll be. by denying this part of yourself you’re just making yourself miserable

21. Why do you use the pronouns you use?

she/her makes me happiest. I’ve (against my will, mind you) used they/them and been called molsno in a group that I wasn’t out in, and..... it made me feel..... distant, I guess? it was better than he/him, but it felt much less personal

22. Do your neurodivergencies and/or disabilities affect your gender?

I mean...... yeah? as a trans lesbian it’s very easy for me to hate masculinity given how it’s instilled nothing but negative feelings in me literally my entire life, and being autistic makes it harder to understand how the things I say about gender negatively impact the people around me

23. What’s your biggest trans-related fear?

the fear that I may never be able to believe I can be loved as a woman, probably

24. What medical, social, or personal steps have you already taken to start your transition?

coming out nearly everywhere and getting on hrt!

25. What do you wish cis people understood?

I desperately wish cis people understood even the basics of trans issues. still to this day many cis people don’t even know the right terminology to use for trans people. they think “trans man” and “trans woman” mean the opposite of what they actually mean and that’s just so goddamn frustrating. many of them think transitioning is just bottom surgery and that’s it. like, they don’t know anything about hrt. cis people please educate yourselves on trans issues I’m begging you

26. What impact has being trans had on your life?

it’s affected many aspects of my life but I think the biggest one is that I feel like a person now. I always felt like a robot, or like someone putting on a performance before, but I feel like a human being now

27. What do you do to validate yourself?

ummm... not much really. I guess one thing that has helped is making my character astrid trans? because if I ever think something bad about myself I can stop myself and ask if I would think the same thing about her, and of course the answer is no.

28. How do you feel about trans representation in media?

it’s bad. trans women very rarely get any positive representation. like the only transfem characters that come to mind that I think were handled well were lily hoshikawa from zombieland saga and vivian from paper mario (although even that’s debatable given the english censorship about her gender and the way beldam abuses her in japanese). meanwhile nonbinary representation consists almost exclusively of aliens, shapeshifters, robots, etc. and trans men get literally nothing. like. trans representation is just so abysmal it’s not even funny

29. Who is your favorite trans celebrity?

umm....... I don’t really care about celebrities lol. if I were to answer this question it would be “oh yes I’ve heard of these people”

30. Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most?

gosh, how could I ever decide? most of my friends are trans so it’s hard to say but if I had to answer.... my friends kyra and modeus were probably the most helpful when I was figuring myself out

31. How are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online?

mostly online

32. How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?

I’ll almost certainly still be a woman, and hopefully my transition will have gone well enough that I’ll be able to pass

33. What trans issue are you most passionate about?

healthcare. the difficulty so many people face with getting access to trans healthcare is ridiculous and discriminatory. I’ve written essays for school about this topic and they were the easiest essays I’ve had to write because of how passionate I am about this

34. What advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them?

pick your head up queen/king/royal, your cat ears are falling down

35. How do you feel your gender interacts with your race, disability, class, weight, etc. from the perspective of intersectionality?

well I’m white, able bodied, average weight, and I’m about to get a degree in computer science, so I have a lot of privilege that other trans people don’t have. I fully recognize that. it breaks my heart that so many less privileged trans people, particularly trans women of color, are murdered and never even get the justice they deserve. I wish there was more I could do to stop it, but privileged as I am, I’m only one person. I want everyone to be aware of who the major victims of transphobia are. look out for black trans women especially, they need your protection and support most of all

36. What, if any, is the difference between your gender identity and your gender expression?

not much. I’m a woman with a very feminine gender expression, when I’m free to be. the biggest feminine thing that I don’t do is makeup, but that’s more due to dysphoria rather than a distaste for it

37. Do you feel more masculine, feminine, or neither?

feminine uwu

38. What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it?

I am a lesbian and that is very epic of me. I love girls and seeing girls in love makes me happy and imagining myself as a girl in love with another girl makes me even happier

39. Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference?

I always hate admitting this, but due to personal reasons, my ideal partner is cis. this is mostly because I very much want to have biological children, and that’s simply not possible with another trans woman. I wouldn’t rule out an afab nonbinary person entirely, it just really depends on how comfortable said person is with femininity and also how they feel about dating a lesbian. if not for my desire to have kids (which is not something I’m willing to compromise on since it has been my lifelong dream) I would have a lot more options. truth be told, cis women kind of scare me, and it would be so much easier to date someone who fundamentally understands what it’s like to be trans. but biology is cruel unfortunately

40. How did/do you manage waiting to transition?

it was incredibly difficult. thankfully, it didn’t last very long. I only had to wait about 6 months, and most of that time was spent waiting until I was able to bank sperm because I didn’t want to risk becoming permanently infertile after starting hrt

41. What is the place (blog, website, forum, IRL space) you get most of your info on being trans or on trans related things?

ngl...... reddit. the trans boards have many, many helpful resources for transfem people. I don’t really go there anymore but it was immensely helpful in the early stages

42. Do you interact with other trans people IRL?

I mean..... yeah, but not very much anymore on account of the pandemic. I made a few trans friends junior year of college and we still talk occasionally, but it’s been several months since I last saw them all

43. Are you involved in any trans-related activism?

not really 😔

44. Free space! Answer any question you want, or make up your own question to answer.

“Wow Vivi how come you’re so epic?”

I was born this way <3

#personal

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curtashiism · 4 years

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Some reflections on autism, femininity, and my nonbinary identity

So... I grew up in a conservative city. (Let’s just say not all parts of Washington state are as lovely as Seattle.) My parents were, and still are, remarkably progressive for their generation- they never had an objection to same-sex marriage- but it was very much a place where “gay” was an insult, something to be mocked, not a valid identity.

I was lucky, beyond words, that when I came out as a lesbian, my family, at least, accepted it without question. There was some surprise, and from my mom there were a lot of well-meaning but innocently offensive questions and comments, but they never wavered in their support. I got them both “proud dad/proud mom” buttons from Pride last year and they were THRILLED to have them.

It seemed really clear cut back then. I was a lesbian. And since the lesbian community is so open to women who aren’t really feminine, I didn’t feel the need to doubt anything.

But the doubts were there, and had been since I was little. I was a “tomboy” as a kid, not of the “plays sports” variety but of the “hates anything girls stereotypically do” kind. I hated dresses and skirts, and threw a fit when my mom would make me wear them for special occasions. You could forget about makeup. The only feminine trait I kept by choice is my long hair (but obviously that’s a non-exclusively feminine trait since many men keep long hair too.) My mom asked me once, one of her innocently insensitive comments, “well, if you’re a lesbian, and you don’t do anything girly, what makes you a woman? Is it your hair?” and I told her no. I didn’t have an answer for what did besides “that’s what I am.” Because gender identity is more than physical characteristics, after all, and she is still wrong that you have to be “girly” or have something that makes you so to be a “real” woman.

But, I really only ever answered “woman” to the gender question because it was the default. I knew I wasn’t a transgender male, and so therefore, by the thinking instilled in me growing up, I had to be a woman. But it never felt exactly right. Sure, it didn’t feel WRONG, but it didn’t feel right. I never felt like other, cis women do, you know? Cis women LOVE being women. I didn’t. I was just like... “oh, whatever. Sure, I guess, yeah, let’s go with that.” I hate how large my breasts are, I hate my period, and when I think about sex, the thought of being penetrated repulses me. (Which is one part of why I realized the “lesbian” label applies to me... except [TMI alert] I don’t like the thought of women putting things inside me, either.) Further, I have tokophobia (the fear of pregnancy, as well as the fear of becoming pregnant) and used to get very upset when my mom would tell me I’d be a great mom, or “when you’re a mom you’ll (x)” because I hated how the very idea of pregnancy made me feel.

And, I mean, I know all those things don’t have to mean I’m not a woman. Lots of cis women feel the same things I listed. I’m not saying those are why, those are just little ways I felt different from others that always had me wondering. But even then, I still thought it was a combination of me being a lesbian and me being autistic. Cause, lots of autistic girls are also not into “girly” things. We tend to have sensitive skin, which makes things like fancy clothes or makeup or jewelry difficult if not unbearable. (Again, you can be girly without liking any of those things, I’m just listing some of the easier to explain examples here for the sake of brevity.)

So, those explanations kind of helped me make an identity for myself. I was a woman, because I wasn’t a man. And I may not have been really “girly”, but lots of others like me weren’t either. I was just another lesbian woman.

But then recently I saw this Tweet going around about pronouns, and each person would retweet it with a list of pronouns and their thoughts on being called each. (I think it was she/her, they/them, he/him, xe/xir, it, and some other neopronouns.) And I thought about how I would feel in each situation. My appearance is still really feminine, and I have a very high-pitched voice, so there is a 0% chance I would ever be called he/his “in the wild”. So, this was the first time I thought about being called anything but she/her.

She/her- well, that’s what I already am. Yeah, sure, go for it, I thought, and then went down the rest of the list.

They/them- Nah. I don’t like it. It doesn’t feel right at all.

Xe/xir- God please no.

It- If anyone ever calls me this I will punch them repeatedly.

Other neopronouns- No, this really doesn’t work for me.

Then I thought about he/his.

You know that noise you make in your head when someone types “!!!!!” ?

That’s how I felt.

It just... it felt so AMAZING!!!

So then I had to do some thinking. Maybe I was just a much more butch lesbian than I thought? I always did act like “one of the boys” with my friend groups in school.

But that didn’t seem right either. Because the more masculine terms I imagined people using to and about me, the happier I felt. Then over the next few days, some close friends of mine who I requested to do so started calling me “bro” and other masculine things as a bit of an experiment for me, and it just... it felt really damn nice.

Feminine language didn’t, and doesn’t still, make me feel bad or dysphoric or anything. If we put my feelings on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “I’m about to cry” and 10 being “I’M SO HAPPY!”, having feminine language used for me is like a 6. It’s a “yeah, okay” sort of thing. But masculine? That’s a solid 10. I just smile every time I see it.

But as good as it felt, that created a bit of a problem for me. Because it felt a little too good to be a matter of being butch. So I was forced to engage in that dreaded activity known as “introspection”.

While I was trying to figure out what this all meant, I started looking at stuff people had written about being nonbinary. A lot of it made sense, really. Especially when people talked about subtle forms of dysphoria. Not all of it is hating your body, they explained. It definitely is a thing that happens to some people, but it takes lot of other forms... including stuff like what I listed above.

Feeling persistently different. Or even just feeling that it would be cool to have body parts change, even if you don’t want it enough to actually go out and change it. Cis people, they explained, would be horrified at the thoughts of changing anything. “It would be kinda cool if this was different” is still a form of dysphoria, still a decidedly NOT cis thing.

I know I’m not a trans man because I don’t want a lot of masculine features, like a deep voice or body hair, but I don’t enjoy a lot of my more feminine features either. So... nonbinary, because I’m neither, and I don’t WANT to be either male or female.

I’m still not sure what this all means for me, if it means making any significant changes or not, since this is all still pretty new for me. The only things I really know right now are that she/her or he/him pronouns are both fine, but I don’t like they/them, and I’m still going by Lexi online because I really don’t mind it at all; like I mentioned, feminine things don’t give me dysphoria or anything. I guess I could start going by Alex like I do IRL, but I don’t feel the need to.

And I also know that I’m only ever going to be out online, never in real life. I have transphobic siblings- even if they can understand me being a lesbian, trans people are a bridge too far for two of the three of them. One of them makes “attack helicopter” jokes and the other is outright a TERF. The other is open but admits to not knowing much about trans identities (which is fine!). I don’t feel like trying to explain to them what my nonbinary identity means when I’m still trying to figure out what my identity means myself.

I don’t really know why I made this post, really, since it only elaborates on what i said when I came out as nonbinary last week. I guess I just wanted to be open and honest with y’all since you’ve been so kind and supportive, so I wanted to let you know how I feel.

So, that’s that. Thanks for reading and listening and accepting, all. :)

#nonbinary

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savageboar · 4 years

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you know what im fucking done with this. ive moved on and wanted to stay that way all i fuckin wanted was to just vent my feelings. but i feel the need to address the shit said about me in response to me expressing how i was hurt by my relationship. the shit ive been shown that makes me a bad person was:

- want to address the Judas situation first because what the fuck man? we got over it and you're using it for leverage. yes Judas broke up bc he felt uncomfortable. i realized that and felt bad and did not blame him. but i was not the only person acting out of line. we both said shit we regret. the age shit? i was freshly 18, birthdate April 11th 2000. Judas was born in December 2001. this was almost over 2 years ago. this is old news. i regret the entire thing and ive moved past it. why did you feel the need to bring it back up. im honestly hurt you talked to Judas about me behind my back and decided to use this against me. this is uncalled for.

- second really glad that i get to have my mixed status invalidated despite my entire struggle with it. i know im white passing and try to act accordingly. i don't use being part native as a Shield as it's been called. also you know that i have zero connection to any tribe so i don't know how you expect me to connect to any culture. really fucking ignorant of you to make my lack of cultural connection an issue considering that native genocide and assimilation is STILL an ongoing issue for GENERATIONS.

- the antiblack example is something i was literally shown apologizing and explaining why i said it. i was not making excuses. i said sorry and explained i called RuPaul a bitch for being a major transmisogynist. that's it. it was already dealt with.

- the misogyny thing is me saying cunt. i don't say it to women specifically except for in situations where im venting about my VIOLENTLY ABUSIVE MOTHER which others have agreed to me is not me being misogynistic it's just me being fucking immeasurably upset with my abusive mother who's ruined me for years. those are the only instances where ive called a woman a cunt, and im sorry it made anyone uncomfortable. in fact i only started saying it because i got too deep into scottish dialect. but you know what a friend told me about this and i listened and im just not saying it anymore if it makes people uncomfortable because i don't WANT people to be uncomfortable. also need to have nuance here. im completely closeted irl. people see and treat me like a woman. i face misogyny on a daily basis. i know what misogyny is. and also i could go into detail about the shit my mother puts me through, but it's not pleasant. she calls me a retard. she beats me down mentally and physically. she calls me worthless. she breaks my things that specifically bring me joy to beat me down even further. i could go on.

- what is your obsession with me being unemployed and playing splatoon. that's not even relevant. but yeah flaunt your independence to the disabled autistic man trapped in an abusive household. thanks.

after this post im done with this. im not dealing with this. the fact you never actually tried to bring up any transgressions to me in depth until i dared to make a vent post 6 months after we broke up and separated is ridiculous, you also clearly lied about deleting the server which has made others uncomfortable. and your friends can stop sending me passive aggressive asks too. you can all just leave me alone because i have enough shit to worry about that isn't a bad breakup, like writing my first resume, learning how to drive, and learning how to code in C#.

#d//ont re//blog #i mean it i dont want this shit going further man.#gabe speaks #rant tag

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maklodes · 4 years

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I don’t usually do tumblr sadposting, but I guess maybe the holidays are getting to me and such. I already posted this on /r/trueoffmychest. I’m not sure whether posting this stuff or bottling it up (my usual practice) is better, but I thought I’d give this a shot. I may decide this makes me feel worse and go back to bottling it up. I have no strong feelings about whether you reblog this or not. Potentially distressing content below the cut.

I just feel like it's too late to form real relationships or succeed in life in conventional terms.

Background: I am thirty-five year old man. I don't really have any real friends, and feel like I haven't really since high school (and not many then). I am a kissless virgin straight guy. I am back living with my parents. I have a very spotty employment history, sometimes working with startups that never went anywhere, sometimes doing part time work doing things like Solidworks CAD design stuff. I followed a weird path academically, got a bachelors in economics, then a masters in mechanical engineering. I'm starting a new CAD job in January. The money is okay ($30/hr), but it is part time with fluctuating hours, and generally my résumé is as holey as Swiss cheese.

I have been getting therapy, and have been diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum. My therapist and some other people have recommended resources to help me try to get out more. I started going to a group that hosts events for people on the autism spectrum, and I went to vocational rehab which connected me with MERS Goodwill which has provided employment counseling that I felt didn’t help much in getting a job (I got my new job primarily through an unrelated personal connection), but maybe did help me in overcoming the severe anxiety I feel around applying for jobs. I also started going to a kind of Jewish young-adult oriented group.

It just doesn't feel like it helps. I can't really connect with people, whether allistic or autistic. I feel like in primarily allistic gatherings, groups of people are already engrossed in their own circles before I know how to break in. I can talk a little bit, but I feel like often the conversation goes into areas I just can’t relate to. In autistic groups, well, I don’t really like to say this, but I find a pretty large fraction of fellow autistic people annoying. Even on weeks when I have a fair number of events that I’m involved with, I feel like I “go to events” rather than “have a social life.” Even when I talk to people, I feel like it’s okay as a one-off conversation, but don’t know how to build deeper relationships.

When I look outside myself, trying to see the world beyond my personal problems, I also feel depressed about the state of the world. I feel like Donald Trump, Mitch McConnell, and their friends are destroying my country. I feel like we are missing the chance to keep this planet livable, and now maybe it’s too late. I think about the horrific abuse of animals in factory farms on the scale of tens of billions per year.

I’m not really doing anything to solve these problems or make the world a better place, but I feel like I have to at least try not to make them too much worse. I’m vegan, and I avoid driving when I can, usually bicycling or taking public transit. It’s not enough, CO2 levels are still rising, billions of chickens are still being slaughtered, etc, and more systemic solutions are needed, but I feel like even that bit of harm-reduction I do further alienates me from people, and makes me more of an awkward weirdo in social situations, bringing my own food to pizza parties and stuff. I feel scared of a lot of left-leaning activism, because a lot of social justice rhetoric isn’t good for me psychologically.

I have a hard time using “real-name” social media like Facebook, or online dating. I have a Facebook account but use it about once a year. I’ve never tried any online dating. I think a few women have expressed interest in me in the past that I was largely too oblivious to pick up at the time (e.g., a girl who mentioned that she like guys with eyes the same color as mine), but I find it really inconceivable that any woman would be attracted to me with my life in its current state. (Physically, I’m okay-ish, but at my age, well, my nasolabial folds are starting to get deeper, etc.)

I’m into some nerd stuff, but I feel like I can’t get into a lot of the “mainstream nerd” interests like Star Wars, Marvel, Game of Thrones (I read the ASoIaF books, but only watched about one episode of the HBO show), etc. One mainstream nerd interest I enjoyed was some tabletop RPGs that I played with online friends a decade ago, but I feel like I don’t know how to get into a scene like that IRL.

I play too much multiplayer Mount & Blade: Warband (9 hours over the past 2 weeks, according to Steam), and really nothing else in my Steam library. People on a server there recognize me and sometimes talk to me, and I sometimes chat there too, but I tend to shy away from forming real relationships. I always feel a little uncomfortable when people recognize me and want to talk at a personal level. I also look at a fair amount of hentai and furry stuff, and play some pornographic games. Sometimes laughing at jokes and stuff I see on Tumblr makes me feel happy for a time. The discussions are sometimes good too.

I feel that I’m in a lot of ways like the standard image of the Loser Bad Guy that I see in the media: the socially alienated guy who goes on a shooting rampage, the hateful misogynist incel, the isolated, downwardly mobile angry white male who posts Pepe-in-a-MAGA-hat memes on 4chan. I’m not planning on doing a shooting rampage or anything, but sometimes I just look at myself, and think: what a creep. What a waste of food and water and air. Sometimes I fantasize about getting into an accident that leaves me braindead so my organs can go to people who would make better use of them than I am.

I wish I could be more happy and grateful for the ways in which I am blessed. I am in decent health. I have enough to eat. I have a roof over my head. I am not locked in a battery cage where I can’t stretch my arms out. I am a straight able-bodied white male from an upper-middle class family living in a first-world country. Maybe I just have an unwarranted sense of entitlement, but I don’t know how to be happy with me life as it is.

Sometimes I just feel really angry at myself, for not being smarter, for not being more mature, for not taking advantage of more opportunities I’ve had in the past, for not being more motivated to change, for not doing more to help the people I could. Sometimes I just feel angry at myself for being angry at myself, for my own futile, unproductive anger over my own flaws.

I don’t really feel I talk honestly about this stuff with anyone I know. Sometimes I talk to my therapist, and I don’t lie to her, and she knows the core facts that I laid out here (difficulty with employment, relationships, etc), but I feel like I always shade toward something a little brighter than how I feel -- or, at least, how I feel at my worst moments. Maybe it’s just that my moments with her really aren’t my worst moments, so I’m not in the frame of mind to say how I actually do feel in my worst moments. With my dad, I feel like he thinks I’m just being overly dramatic and irrational. Maybe I am, but if so I don’t know how to be rational, at least consistently. With my mom… well, I usually don’t talk to her about this stuff. I feel like when she sees weakness, she goes in for an attack.

So, I thought I’d give the whole Tumblr sadposting thing a shot. Maybe baring myself like this will be mortifying, maybe cathartic, IDK. Try everything once, right?

#sadposting #depression #personal

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citrusandbergamot · 4 years

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you know, I realized something

I’ve probably been gay for like, as long as I can remember

maybe? pretty sure?

looong post under cut just to get some shit outta my head

looking back on stuff I remembering thinking when I was quite young, I definitely didn’t know like girls was an option but I knew for sure I didn’t like boys. and I mean, I am definitely ace. I wish I could redo so much of the shit I put myself through, trying to like sex, trying to like boys. I really didn’t. I wanted to but my brain and my body wouldn’t cooperate. I used to drink so much...

anwyay not the point.

so yeah, gay. probably. I have always liked girls more than boys in terms of friendships. I was told that was unusual by all the ‘cool’ girls. They were friends with boys, cause girls are too much drama (lol). I remember being told this when iwas about 12 and thinking, but why would you hang out with boys at all? All boys did was make fun of me and tell stupid fart jokes. I cou;dn’t wrap my head around it. I’ve never had more than a handful of male friends.

so girls. but like, had no idea how to handle it mostly cause my mom is like, super anti-girl. just, not consciously, but it’s always there. she calls women’s sports boring, she makes comments about slutty clothing (which is not actually slutty? but to her it’s uncouth). Every tv show she’s ever liked, she hates most of the women. The only woman character in all of star trek canon she liked was Jadzia Dax. Kira was too angry, Seven too curvy, Kes too useless, Beverly had too much makeup, Deanna too useless, it goes on, it goes on. I once said I didn’t want to watch some old movie because I didn’t feel like watching 2 hours of something with no women in it. All men, every scene. It’s so boring. And my mom was like, yeah, but that’s how it was (back then). To which I said, yeah, there were women who worked there, even back then, it’s just easier to pretend that there wasn’t.

(My mom is a big believer in tv and movies being ‘accurate’ to how she remembers stuff being. It’s funny, I told her I was in a play by a local playwright and she said, oh yeah, I saw the film of another one of his stories. Really offended my mother, because it was about a coal miner and his daughter. My mother’s father was a coal miner (”--and he didn’t act like that! My father was a gentle man.”)

To which I said, yeah, but the play wasn’t about your father? The playwright wasn’t saying all coal miners were like this??? It’s a story? that needed characters to behave in semi-ghastly ways? My mother has such rigidity about her way of thinking. Like I told her I thought my older brother is on the autism spectrum (and like, yeah, he is, both my brother and I think so). But my mom immediately said, ‘no, he’s not, I taught autistic children in the schools and your brother is nothing like that. he’s normal, just shy.’ The kids in the schools she’s talking about are the ones who are non-verbal, who scream all the time, who run around and hit their heads against things. That’s the schema for autism she has in her brain. And so anything that doesn’t fit that clearly isn’t autism! Right.)

It’s just so...argh, the older I get the more I notice it. But like, I can now look back and realize that yeah, I kinda did notice girls when I was young. and then I fully adopted the ‘i’m not like other girls’ mentality and then I got into fanfic, which, you know, wasn’t that nice to female characters back in the day. still isn’t, but it’s not what it used to be, thank the gods.

anyway long story very short, I’m kind of sick of my mother (and other people I know irl) constantly favouring men. I definitely took the lesson that you’re not supposed to like women to heart when I was young. It’s... kind of hard to walk that shit back. Also doesn’t help that girls are slightly intimidating? At least the ones I find attractive. I want a girlfriend who can crush men’s spirits with her glare, and I become the stupidest, dullest person on the planet whenever I meet that kind of girl.

Anyway, this is all come to light again because I was in the house by myself for a week (and it was gloooooorious). So much of my mental gymnastics comes from stuff I picked up from my mother. I mean, I think she’s also on the autism spectrum, she’s the most ravenclaw person you’ve ever met, thinks her rationality is infallible, she’s a libra, (i grew up in a house full of air signs, and let me tell you, I’m the leaast grounded person you’ve ever met, also, every single person in this family can make me so mad, like oxygen being pumped into a flame. Aries really need some non-air signs in their lives.) and I’m fairly sure that she’s got some aro/ace tendencies. just....it’s weird living here. It’s really weird. I grew up in this house. I’ll probably die in this house. I never thought I’d be here, you know? I moved away from this island as soon as a could and then came crawling back again, and again, and again. But it’s not a bad life here. I don’t want to buy a house somewhere else. I don’t really want to live here either. it’s... weird. I don’t think I’d be happier on my own. But at the same time, argh argh argh, parents and their issues and then their issues with their kids that they pass off as fact.

#a big ole personal post

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thebachelordiaries · 5 years

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Cougars vs. Cubs: ‘The Bachelor’ Ep. 2 Recap

Remember the good ‘ol days when The Bachelor just had connotations of sex and never talked about it outright? I miss it.

Now I have to sit through two hours of the sex talk with my mom every Monday night. This is supposed to be my time to relax, but instead I just get nervous that she’s going to gain the courage to ask me about my [nonexistent] sex life. I didn’t sign up for this.

With that being said, I’m going to get through this entire recap without mentioning Colton’s lack of experience. I, for one, have heard the v-word enough. Why does he need to explain his life choices every episode?

This just about explains it. Moving on...

Cougars vs Cubs Group Date

“When people get a little too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them.” —my favorite Ron Swanson quote from “Parks & Rec”

Ron Swanson would never agree to go on “The Bachelor.” His ex-wife Tami is probably holding him against his will.

Hello, where is Leslie Knope?

Possibly one of the best couples of all time, Nick Offerman aka Ron Swanson and his IRL wife (and on-screen ex-wife) Megan Mullally, hosted a group date where the contestants had to tell an audience of 200 people about their “first time.” The words “first time” are up for interpretation.

Here’s who went on the date: Hannah G., Onyaka, Elisa, Demi, Tracey, Bri, Nicole and Catherine.

Elyse, who is 31 and apparently considered geriatric to these 23 year olds, talked about her “first time” dating a younger man—Colton. I’d say she’s getting “America’s Sweetheart” edit, which I’m thankful for because nobody wants a 23-year-old Bachelorette unless they’re R-Kelly.

Demi— well, I don’t remember what she talked about— but she did go up to Colton and kiss him in front of all the other girls. The chick has some brass balls. I respect it.

Catherine and Onyeka tried to start drama for attention but nobody cared. Tracy got offended by everything Demi did, and every viewer just wanted Tracey to shut up.

During the cocktail hour portion of the date, Colton had a strong connection with Elyse, the leader of the Cougar Den.

”I can tell you have this presence, this confidence that not everybody has” -Colton to Elyse

Wait— I just realized her body language in this scene. Yikes.

Apparently all the women age 27 and up in the Bachelor Mansion share a room they call the “Cougar Den.” I don’t really consider someone in their late 20s or early 30s a “cougar” but I guess it’s all relative when the majority of the women are 23. Anyway, I’m going to jump off the nearest cliff.

What was I doing when I was 23? I’m pretty sure I was an intern and getting paid $10 an hour, but sure, these girls are ready for marriage. Whatever you say, ABC.

Colton is obsessed with Hannah G. He basically admitted to her that she’s one of his top girls. They looked like two lions cuddling:

Colton is the kind of guy to ask Hannah G. to take a nap with him and then actually take a nap.

Nicole talked about her autistic brother. I think she’s going to be a viewer favorite but not necessarily one of Colton’s top girls.

Elyse, the leader of the Cougar Den, got the group date rose.

Team leader board:

Cougars-1

Cubs- 0

Hannah B.’s Birthday 1-on-1

The “B” in Hannah B. stands for “birthday,” because in case you happened to become deaf, dumb and blind when watching this show, it was Hannah B.’s birthday the day she had her 1-on-1.

There’s something maniacal about the way Hannah B. smiles. It’s like she’s one big disappointment away from keying your car or poisoning your food. I do feel bad for her in a way: she’s a beauty queen, but Caelynn is a better one. She’s named Hannah and is from Alabama, but Hannah G. is from Alabama and Colton’s basically already in love with her. She’s “Miss Second Best.”

But hey, at least she still has her birthday.

I think Colton also sensed Hannah B.’s craziness because he gave her a date rose despite them having a very silence-filled, awkward time. Colton is a lot smarter than we think. imagine Hannah didn't get a rose on her birthday?! I do NOT want to see her reaction. No thank you. She’s gonna need a straight jacket when it’s her time to leave. Maybe that’s why Colton jumps a fence this season: to escape Hannah B.

Summer Camp Group Date

So this group date had another Parks & Rec guest host: Billy Eichner.

A small anecdote:

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

The girls (everyone else who wasn’t on the prior dates) had to do summer camp activities to see which group would prevail. In the end it came down to a tug-o-war competition and the losing team had to go home.

Surprise, surprise...the group with all of Colton’s favorite girls won: Cassie, Heather, Katie, Caelynn, Tayshia and Alex.

Katie, similar to night one, got so close to Colton that he was basically forced to make out with her.

Caelynn did her charming beauty pageant thing to make Colton become obsessed with her. Viewers also came to find out this episode there is some sort of drama between her and Hannah B. They were roommates at Miss USA and now they don’t talk. Caelynn thinks Hannah B. is jealous of her first runner-up status. But what is the truth? Is it too much for them to have a Mean Girls-style brawl? It’s what we all want. I feel like Caelynn would win, but Hannah does have craziness on her side.

Heather told Colton she has never been kissed before and I think Colton enjoyed the balance of power.

The way Colton said “really?” after Heather said she never kissed anyone was hilarious to me. You can really tell he likes having someone here with even less experience than him. I feel like he keeps her around for this reason.

Heather got the group date rose.

Rose Ceremony

Demi, dressed in a bathrobe, took Colton to the “Fantasy Closet” and gave him a massage as the other girls looked on.

Line of the night goes to Kaitlyn: “Does she not have parents? I’m just confused.” Well, her mom is in prison so does that explain a few things for ya?

Tracy was so offended by Demi’s “fantasy closet” that she cried, which was honestly kind of pathetic. Just let Demi entertain us and mind your own business, Tracey. Ugh, her eyebrow arch gives me a migraine.

I want to love Demi, but I don’t. I want this little pipsqueak to tell me to my face that I’m an “older woman.” Demi, I don’t have a lot of confidence you will look as good as Elyse when you’re 31. I mean, it’s not her fault that her mom probably didn’t teach her to wear sunscreen and she looks like she’s been substituting Monster Energy drinks for water since she was 12.

I will, however, credit her for owning Tracey this rose ceremony. Tracey is just extremely unlikeable.

Team leader board:

Cougars-1

Cubs- 1

Alex, Annie, Erika and Angelique were sent home. Sounds about right: at this point you either need to be perfect looking or an absolute psycho. If you’re a 9.5 looks-wise and normal, you have to go. Sorry I don’t make the rules.

What age does someone become an “older woman” anyway?

#The Bachelor #Colton Underwood #abc #chris harrison #Demi not lovato #photo credit: ABC #parks and rec #ron swanson

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cornflowercanine · 3 years

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“road work ahead? uh yeah, i sure hope it does!”

speaker is saying “um yeah of course the road ahead is going to ‘work’ as in ‘function as a road to be driven on’ i sure HOPE it does, or else i won’t be able to drive on it!” but the joke is that that’s not what the road work ahead sign means, it means that the road is being worked on and we all know this. the joke is the speaker is misunderstanding the sign, thinking it is denoting that the road is going to “work” as in “it is going to be a road you can drive on, and isn’t going to, say, crumble into bits and create a sinkhole or some shit that would make you unable to drive” even though that doesn’t make sense. “why would there even need to be a sign here?!” the speaker is saying, “of COURSE the road is going to ‘work’! i sure HOPE it does, or i won’t be able to drive!”

you explained “not like other girls” perfectly. it’s about young girls thinking that they’re not like other girls because of the way women are portrayed in media, when in reality all real life women are unique and interesting, not shallow the way the media portrays them. i was a “not like other girls” girl in elementary school. i thought i was sooooo cool and special and different from other girls bc i liked hotwheels and didn’t like dresses n shit and i thought my interests were completely unique and different from other girls but as it turns out, all girls r unique and special! (and also turns out i’m not a girl that was definitely part of it lmfao)

ohhhhhh so the joke is like, 'haha yes the road will work -IMMENENT FALLING INTO ROAD-'?? that makes more sense As A Joke, 8ut man that is very rounda8out wording for that joke XD (not 8eing snarky at You im just annoyed at the fact the vine was soooooo commonly referenced and i had no goddamn clue what it meant for like, years :P)

yeah!! i like... i REALLY REALLY H8 WORDING IT LIKE THIS 8c 'harUMPH! I'VE never experienced this common thing which while common does make you look like a 8it of a shithead, so clearly you're all doing this DELI8ER8LY 8ecause you're JERKS!!', 8ut 8ack when ppl were talking a8t 'im not like other girls' a whole 8unch, when imagining irl girls saying it, it was lost on me 8ecause i was like "... where are the 'other girls'? what other girls? i've never s33n a '8londe, 20 pounds of makeup, 8oy-crazy vain etc etc' girl irl thatd 8e DESERVING of this dramatic repulsive 'other girls' title, AND they say it like there's LOTS of them, SO DO THESE PPL JUST HAVE ACCESS TO LIKE ALT UNIVERSE WOMEN THAT THEY JUST FUCKING H8?????" XDDD 8ut i definetely did still have stuff like that, in a like.... frustr8ed confused les8ian/autistic way? ive got all the 8its and pieces 8ut idk what to attri8ute to what, theres a pattern there i just dont know what it is etc :P it was There, it just wasnt in a way where 'im not like other girls ;)' was the conclusion i came to lol XD i was like 'grrr i h8 pretty popular girls 8ut i also h8 non-girly girls and i wanna 8e pretty and girly and i think girls going after men is stupid and shallow 8ut my wanting to 8e appealing is totally out of wanting MEN to like me, right?' I HAD A POINT HERE 8UT I COMPLETELY FORGOT IT. >__> 8ut was 'im not like other girls ;)' really a romantic thing/rounda8out flirt/only really said in a 'im trying to get a partner 8y appealing to them in this way' thing? or is that just cause i never saw examples of it in other scenarios XD

#clove replies #long post #worrying that the i didnt know wtf the 'other girls' was could come across as harumph ive never experienced this so youre all #doing this deli8er8ly to 8e jerks; 8c i didnt think of irl girls as 8eing this shallow monolith 8tw XD #i did still s33 irl girls and go GRRR HOW SHALLOW 8c they were like; wearing mostly hot pink or whatever #8ut the idea that girls At Large or at least a 8ig portion of them werent people was completely lost on me #which is surprising cause i hardly got to interact with ppl outside my family for my childhood;#i just really liked girls so i really admired them and the idea of irl actual women these other women would m33t #were like cool pretty respecta8le ppl i aspired to 8e #8UT THEN AGAIN that might also 8e me not Getting It cause may8e these girls saying 'im not like other girls' str8 up #arent even thinking of any irl girl theyve met at ALL and literally are just referring to fictional women #that theyve s33n so much their idea of women as a whole is 'shallow 8itches' even if they f33l that way a8t little to no irl women they #m33t or know

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gautierprotectionsquad · 3 years

Text

Sins of the Father by Sam Burns Review (contains spoilers

Book 2 of the Wilde Love Series.

“She threw her hands in the air. “It’s our Pride special, Key, what do you want it to look like? Black cheesecake with a side of blood orange sauce? You wanna go full dark for Pride?” i can name you at least 100 queers who would fucking love this.

Keagan ends up with an fbi agent? Shouldn’t be surprised bc the last book featured a cop but i thought Keagan was going to be the dark sexy badass of the book and he was going to fall for a normal dude.

Personal preference note but not a fan that other than Casey (Liam’s best friend) all of the named women in the last book are straight. I hope this changes. It always feels weird when i’m reading adult queer romance but only men are queer. Like I see even queer authors do this. You can have your women characters dating each other. TJ Klune does it. It just feels weird.

The author, Sam Burns, is a he and lives with his husband and cat. Sam. Write more wlw into this series i beg.

I did my homework so I’m actually going to read this book now. Except i’m supposed to be paying attention to my classmates’ presentation.

I love that Owen loves the cheesecake. Both Quinn boys shitted on the cake bc of the way it looks but thought it tasted heavenly.

I like Brigit but she is a little too concerned over her friend’s dating life. As an ace, I HATE those people.

“And liking guys and eating rainbow cheesecake doesn’t mean I have to like hugging people. Later!” Owen you are 100% right but how is hugging a stereotype? Bc it’s “girly”?

Jon sees the Quinns as the enemy. This series does an exploration of the morally gray, more obvious when it had Alex, philosophy major, as the pov character. It’s interesting seeing how little the fbi knows about the Quinns and interesting that Jon talked to 2 agents who had different opinions on Keagan. I don’t like that book 2 has me with another “person of the law” bc while i can enjoy copaganda in shows, I despise it in books. This isn’t complete copaganda bc moral grayness and the book makes you love the criminals but it still views cops as “good guys”.

Jon and Alex both had their soulmate at their back and heard their voice before they saw their face.

Brigit wanted him out of there at first but I think she ships them now. Yeah. The book points out how annoying it is. Calls it the “oh my god you’re gay you should date my gay friend” look. This book uses its platform to talk about the slight annoyances of having straight friends. Imma shut up now.

I don’t want Jon to succeed in his goal and honestly the story has an easy answer. B Quinn retires. He’s old. His children won’t be his successors. The business he specifically deals in dies with his retirement. There really isn’t any point going after him or putting him in jail. Just let his career die as it will. He’s old with no successors.

I like that Jon has a good relationship with his family. I like Miles. He doesn’t have any friends though so I guess the good relationship with your family thing is just so he has someone to talk to. Liam also had a good relationship with some family but he also had friends so he didn’t talk to his family in the book.

Owen may be demiromantic.

Jon isn’t working the Quinn case anymore so less conflict than before. He’s interested in Quinn and way too honest and upfront.

This man flirted with you a tiny bit once and you switch assignments and try to ask him out. Like i would expect a little bit more flirting to happen before you go that far.

I don’t know how to feel about Jon just yet...I just realized his name is spelled like jon sims. Book made the mistake of telling me he was fbi. I liked Liam before i knew he was a cop so i could set my irl morals aside for a fictional character.

One thing i like about these books which seems it’s going to be a pattern for at least the first two books in the series is the lack of drama. Two characters decide they have feelings for each other and then nothing gets in between them.

Hmm. so the fbi and Jon and Jon’s family don’t care that Jon is dating Keagan but his dad does care that Keagan is dating an agent.

If Jon finds his job boring, why can’t he just quit? They don’t respect him and limit what he’s allowed to do bc he’s gay anyway. Just quit. Make the smart move that Liam didn’t. But if he quits then there wouldn’t be any *conflict*. Except Jon’s morals. I love these books but i’m GLAD the next one isn’t going to have a “person of the law” in it.

“I know Jenna said no PDA, but as it turns out, I’m the guy who owns the place.”

Ok their date at Wildes was super cute.

Oh i forgot an ex of Keagan’s was going to cause drama. Ick. i hate ex drama.

Keagan is so cute. He BLUSH! He blush hard!

Jon’s brother is ACE!! I knew I liked him. (Em/Miles)

This book is ok but I’m more excited to read the next book. It was through book 3 that i found this series. From the description, I think Brian is a sex repulsed ace which is AWESOME. Also, it’s clear this author did their research (if they aren’t ace themselves) bc “He’s had it, and he says it’s okay, but it’s not something he cares about. It’s like doing the dishes because you’re supposed to.” is an accurate description!

I’m headcannoning miles as autistic.

MILES AND BRIGIT ARE FLIRTING. Good. i like both of them.

Ok i like Jon now. Hearing about how shitty all Keagan’s exes were makes Jon look perfect.

Oh. Apparently his dad has hated every boyfriend of Keagans. Usually Keagan would agree and the relationship would eventually die out. But Jon was the first time he told his dad to fuck off with that shit.

Jon and Keagan have good chemistry. It took a bit to get there. I think it strongly helps that this author knows how to write jokes. The lovers being able to joke with each other and make each other laugh themselves silly and smile till it hurts is a strong contender for illustrating how perfect they are together.

So is Jon not going to tell him what he found just so he doesn’t seem like a creep? It was his coworker who suggested and looked him up anyway. It would be good for Keagan to know.

I hate every single one of Keagan’s exes.

Ugh Phil. Shut up go away i hate you.

“You’re thinking about having sex with him right now, aren’t you?” Phil asked. He looked annoyed.

“No?” Keegan couldn’t keep the smile from his face. “Maybe.”

REALLY RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY SALAD! OH MY GOD Phil’S LITERALLY EATING A SALAD IN THIS SCENE!

“I’m giving you something Phil’s never had.” What? Your undivided attention?sdfrgthydwfg. (have i been spelling Keegan’s name wrong this whole time?)

Is english major guy Brian? No his name’s Javi Bennet.

Keagan’s face is so easy to read. I can’t believe he used to be a gangster.

Mickey might be demisexual. This is based on nothing except he’s been in an on again off again relationship with a girl since middle school and he ends up with one of his closest friends.

Surprised Keagan didn’t talk to Jon about the guilt he still feels over that child’s death years ago and that they never talk about his disabled arm.

Keagan is a little dumb and surprisingly too trusting but I love that for him.

Anyway, like the last book the last words were “i love you” plus for both it was the first i love you.

END.

#romanticsap #book reviews #sam burns #Sins of the father #lgbt books #mlm books #long post

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amorremanet · 7 years

Note

2, 10, 42, 47

asks for fanfic writers

well, no. 10 and no. 42 are over here, but!

2. things that motivate you

* The stereotype that autistic spectrum people are only good for STEM-related things. Like, for all of the folks on the spectrum who are good at STEM things, that’s great and I wish them all the best — but I suck at math and I can’t do anything science-related without turning it into, “how can I make a sociopolitical sci-fi critique out of this” or, “but do gay aliens believe in me,” so nah, I’m gonna pass on doing anything STEM-y.

I’d much rather give a big middle finger to everyone who has this ridiculous notion that autistic spectrum people are completely and utterly uncreative, and that we are only ever good for STEM things, and I’d like to do it by being successful in my chosen creative pursuits, please and thank you.

* Tangentially? Temple fucking Grandin. I don’t actually have any problems with her, herself — but I have a lot of problems with how allistic people hold her up as The One True Way To Be A Successful Person Who “Suffers From” Autism™ and how about fuck that, no. I want to be a successful autistic writer who is nothing like Temple Grandin, apart from both of us being white autistic women/dfab people who are going to be identified and treated as women by other people irl regardless of any wibbly wobbly messy gender feels on our part.

* Talking with people about my projects. On one hand, it’s a way of getting feelings kind of like validation. On the other, and way more importantly for me? I love getting feedback from people, or hearing the questions they come up with — like, on NYE, my aunt and I chatted back and forth about my novel while playing a weird card game with one of my cousins, and Aunt Kelly asked some questions that got me to put a few ideas I’ve been playing with into words more concretely, which was super-helpful — and I get a lot of motivation to work from getting jazzed up about things through talking with people.

* Totally a petty thing, but? Getting cranky with JK Rowling over all of the Good Ally Cookies she doesn’t actually deserve to claim, or all of the characters of hers who Deserved Better (lol, uh. today, my therapist learned that I get Upset about Percy Weasley very easily and about my longstanding hate-on for his parents, and bless her heart, when I went, “uh, I just over-identify with Percy Weasley a lot and there’s a good deal of projection going on here but I also don’t think I’m wrong,” she kinda smiled and nodded and went, “I can tell :)” — she’s great, I love her)

or how, even ignoring all of the #Problematic things about her body of work in the Potterverse, there’s SO MUCH GOOD SHIT in the HP series but she’s so clearly invested in the plot as she envisions it and the story she wants to tell for Harry, to the exclusion of all else, that she ends up completely short-changing basically every other character who is not named Severus Snape or Hermione Granger (most of the time, but not 100% of the time)

Like, I’ve said it before and I will say it until everyone is completely sick of me saying it, then I will continue saying it anyway: JKR views all of her characters — barring Harry, and sometimes Snape and Hermione — as plot devices more than she views them as characters.

She’s a bit better about some of them (Remus, Sirius but not as much as Remus, Ron and Luna but not as much as they deserve, Neville and Draco but not in the ways that they deserve)

but she’s really bullshit about most of them (this is not a complete list, but: Cho; Ginny; Cedric; Tonks; Fleur; Albus, Aberforth, and Ariana; Voldemort — not in that I need her to be sympathetic toward him but ffs, some 101-level consistency in his characterization would be nice; Kingsley; Percy; Wormtail; James; Lily;

Lockhart — “I’m not bitter about JKR’s ableism and victim-blaming with regard to Gildylocks,” I say bitterly, with a bitter expression, while hanging up informational posters about how bitter I am; Andromeda and Ted — deserved better, this is not a question or a debate, I want to say that it’s not even an opinion, but tbh, I know that it is, so hmph; Regulus; Barty Crouch Jr. because he is my Favorite and I can’t make this list without mentioning him;

Bellatrix — again, I don’t need her to sympathize with Bellatrix because how about no? but Bellatrix Black Lestrange is one of the shittiest villains I’ve ever read, in terms of HOW she was written, and I think a lot of the flaws in how JKR wrote her could have been remedied if she actually did anything to make Bellatrix a fully realized character, which would’ve made her a more effective and meaningful villain, and not a shrieking Saturday morning cartoon caricature;

Molly and Arthur — I’m not going into full detail about why I hate them today, you lot can just go read my tag on the subject if you want to know, and I don’t think that JKR’s “plot device first, people second” method of characterization is the only problem? But I think it’s a major contributing factor to The Problem Of Molly And Arthur, because she presents them as this image of Idyllic Domestic Perfection even when their actions and the internal fabric of the Weasley Family, don’t support that claim, and it sucks)

—basically, JK Rowling motivates me by fucking up a lot, because she was one of my idols as a kid and as a teenager, and she was a relevant and immediate source of inspiration because Oh My God You Can So Too Write Novels For A Living And Make A Difference In People’s Lives, and I’m not exaggerating when I say that she saved my life a few times, albeit mostly in indirect fashions…… but she fucks up a lot, and this is motivating for me because it makes me want to do better than her.

It’s not even exclusive to HP fic, either. Like, she’s one of my biggest sources of motivation to work on my novel and put thought and love and heart into making it the best that it can be — because I want to do better than her and even if I never have her kind of money (which lol, never gonna happen), I still want to beat her at something. Once I earn it, I will happily accept beating her at artistic integrity and commitment.

Is it petty? Yes, definitely. But hey, man, fish gotta swim, dogs gotta eat, and sometimes, I gotta think about my issues with JK Rowling to remember that I need to do better than her and motivate myself to do the work

* You know those, “do it for her/him” memes based on that one thing from The Simpsons that people make with their fave characters and/or celebs? Yeah, I kind of want to make one for myself with Oscar Wilde. Because there’s a lot about him that wasn’t ever perfect (he was a white guy in Victorian England, even accounting for his Anglo-Irishness, so…… yeah), and there are several points on which I don’t agree with him (like, for example: if you are such a shit to your wife that your boyfriend, who is so completely up his own ass that it’s a miracle he hasn’t found a way to Narnia, notices and calls you out on it? I’m kinda thinking that you might want to reassess how you treat people and stop being like that, bub)

—but I also want to be a fabulous gay Slytherclaw social satirist who uses that #aesthetic and the popular tropes of the day to do my own thing and redefine outside the box, and hey, if I ever get a, “wit and wisdom of…” book published with some of my coolest quotables in it? That would be an awesome bonus.

* “Okay, but seriously: how obvious can I be that Yael and Elizabeth are a big, ‘fuck you’ to Marvel about all of their queerbaiting with Charles and Erik before I can get sued for it? Because while Yael and Elizabeth are still characters in their own right, their original inspiration was, ‘hey, what if I flipped the bird to Marvel about all of their fucking queerbaiting with Charles and Erik, and did it with extra lesbians? that’s be pretty fucking cool,’ and I don’t want to be sued, but I also don’t want for my point to be missed here”

—or more generally, “I can’t die before I finish my novel, I have a lot of people to piss off and call on their crap through the magic of the written word *makes a sparkly rainbow with my hands like Spongebob going, ‘imaginaaaaaaaation!!! :D’*”

* So, there’s this one bit in Dry, Augusten Burroughs’ memoir about the early parts of his struggle with alcoholism and addiction. In his rehab, one of their assignments for group therapy is to write letters to people in their lives and feel their feelings about these relationships. He writes to Pighead, his best friend/“it’s complicated,” who is HIV-positive.

Reading the letter at group, Augusten finds himself crying, then shares the whole tangled-up backstory that he and Pighead have together, from how they first met on a phone-sex line, to how Augusten fell hard in love with him, to how they were friends with benefits and then he told Pighead that he was in love with him and Pighead plays the, “I love you but I’m not in love with you” card (that is verbatim what he says in the book, and the way Burroughs reads it in the audiobook kills me every single time), so Augusten dates other guys and tries to fall out of love with Pighead, only for Pighead to come see him first when his HIV test comes back positive and realize that he’s In Love with Augusten only, “after he became diagnosed with a fatal disease”

—which gives us the great line, “Part of me felt deep compassion. And another part felt like, You fucker.”

(Which is seriously one of my top ten lines in all literature, ever. tbh, it’s probably top five, but the top ten list would be hard enough to come up with to begin with, and I’d have to parcel things out into Poetry, Prose [possibly split into Fiction and Nonfiction, at that], and Dramatic Writing just to get it down to ten things on each list, and? It’s just a perfect line, oh my god)

At the end of it, Augusten has a moment with Kavi, another one of the patients at his rehab, who is addicted to cocaine and sex. Kavi tells him about how he left his lover who was HIV-positive after his diagnosis, so that he wouldn’t be the person getting left for once, and about how he feels like cocaine never leaves him. And we get: “Suddenly, I want to drink.… I don’t want to drink in a jovial ‘Highballs for everybody!’ way. I want to drink to the point where I could undergo major knee surgery and not feel so much as a pinch.”

I just.

There is so much about this section of the book that fucks me up so hard, but in ways that I love so much — and there’s a lot that I love about it for a lot of reasons, but like?

Speaking entirely with my writer hat on right now?

That part is just immaculately written. Every word is perfectly chosen, and they are strung together just right. Burroughs chooses the exact right images and scenes to characterize his and Pighead’s developing relationship, and his moment with Kavi, and it’s just

This part of the book makes me remember why I write. Because I have been reading and rereading this book since high school — I have had my battered up and taped together paperback copy with the yellowing pages since Easter 2005 — and this part STILL fucks me up, every. single. time. The audiobook version of it still fucks me up every. single. time.

Back in high school when I first read it, it hit me so hard because I had a habit of falling in love with girls who were straight and/or just did not like me back (and it would get worse, because the girl I was in love with who dared me to write D*rarry just to see if I could? Would go on to put me in the position of being her Girl Friday while I got to watch her love everybody but me, and praise the creative work of everybody but me, and go on about how two of her other friends were totally brilliant and misunderstood creative geniuses because they were incomprehensible and it was totally bourgeois for me to want to write to be understood but it was okay she knows I’m ~mainstream like that, but then still call on me — which made the whole Augusten/Pighead thing hurt so much more for me because I was kind of her, “I love you, but I’m not In Love with you”)

(I will say this about that relationship: I didn’t handle it well, either. I was petty and jealous, and waaaay more damagingly? I hadn’t yet grasped the idea that you sometimes have to just let people be messed up at you about the shit they’re going though without trying to fix everything for them, especially when there’s nothing that you can actually do to fix it. In retrospect, it’s kind of hilarious that I loaned her a copy of Perks of Being A Wallflower that I never saw again, because the whole idea that you can’t just constantly put someone else’s needs before your own and call it love, and the related concept that doing this is actually kind of a form of selfishness, in a way?

………yeah, that was VERY relevant to how I handled that relationship, and she rightfully called me on a lot of shit related to those ideas, and I spent a lot of time having an unfair chip on my shoulder because I was jealous on one hand, and indignant about how her other friends got to be Real Artists™ because their shit was incomprehensible but I got to be a Poser Artist™ because I wanted to be understood and not just fap around with some neo-Dadaist nonsense — and as seen here, I still do have a chip on my shoulder about Dadaist anything, but in fairness, I’d have that with or without any of this story because Dada is the worst — and I’m not saying that I was totally pure or innocent in anything here.

But at the time, I cried a lot over Augusten/Pighead feels because I felt that whole, “I love you but I’m not in love with you” situation and trying to fall out of love with someone only to crumble when they needed you and resent them for needing you but hate yourself for resenting them — I felt all of that so hard.)

My appreciation for this part of the book has evolved and changed over time, and it’s deepened — as I’ve learned more about LGBTIQ history, I’ve come to appreciate the context of the story more and gain more of a sense of reverence for the LGBTIQ people who came before me and actually fought through the early days of the HIV/AIDS epidemic, and it has changed how I read this part of the book more than anything else (c.f., my passive-aggressive addition of the REST of the quote to one post of the, ‘deep compassion vs. you fucker’ part because I was really annoyed with a bunch of straight people who were reblogging it without the full context and acting like they actually had any idea what it’s like to be gay and in a situation like Augusten is with Pighead here) — and I just

The biggest thing about this part of the book that’s made it stick around for me? is that no matter how I’ve appreciated it at any point, and no matter which parts of it have been the most important to me at any given moment, and no matter WHY it’s fucked me up — it’s still fucked me up so hard every. singled. fucking. time…… but in a way that has always made me feel a lot less alone in the world

It’s sort of similar to something that one of my fiction profs in undergrad once said about creating characters: we were talking, in one of our biweekly one-on-ones, about a story I’d brought in with one of my more off-putting characters (his name is Emerson, he’s an abrasive little shit who does a lot of very fucked up things and was kind of influenced by the Kurt/Karofsky plot back in season two of Glee because that was happening on TV at the time and I had a lot of feelings about it that I didn’t have any other way to deal with because I didn’t want to write Glee fic about all of it. He was more similar to Karofsky than Kurt)

I was convinced that everyone would hate him (not least because he an asshole to basically all of the other characters and assaulted the guy he had a crush on while he was high). Instead, he was actually really popular and one of my classmates, who I admired because her writing was so lyrical and confident and she was a great person, said that she found herself identifying with him, especially during some of his worst moments in that draft. While I was boggling about this, Professor Lucy said that one of the reasons why Emerson went over so gangbusters in workshop was that, instead of going the route of creating a tabula rasa character like Stephenie Meyer wrote Bella Swan to be, I’d given him so many clearly defined character traits and behaviors

According to Professor Lucy, the specificity is what makes it easier for people to identify with characters and feel for them, because it makes them more fully realized. (The, “according to” is just for the sake of attribution because this is a point that I’ve taken to heart and that I do totally agree with Professor Lucy about.) And I feel that a lot with the Augusten/Pighead part of the book because it’s so specific and it’s so grounded and it’s so REAL

And that’s a huge part of why it’s always gotten to me emotionally, and why it’s stuck with me after all this time, and why it’s consistently made me feel less alone and irreparably freakishly weird

Anyway, this got way longer than I intended to get, but the ability to affect someone so deeply with your work — that’s a responsibility that I take very seriously when it comes to writing, with regard to all different aspects of how you can possibly do this with the written word — and this part of Dry is such a source of motivation for me because it’s such a great example, for me, of How To Do An Emotionally Affecting Writer Thingy Well

I use technical language like this because I am such a Serious Business Writer, oh yes I am

47. how many unfinished ideas/stories are you working on at the same time?

I usually don’t count, because it’s usually a lot and not all of them are really guaranteed to ever be properly finished, oops.

#memes for ts #mine: personal #actual about me #mine: writing #mine: asks #writing is hard #fandom shenanigans #actuallyautistic #opinions for ts #jk rowling is not a gift #about me: if i were psychic do you think i'd be writing #about me: slytherin pride #augusten burroughs #i just have a lot of feelings #alcohol cw// addiction cw//#Anonymous #asks for fanfic writers

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