Autism is really hard, but it can be even harder when we’re trying to follow Christ. Sometimes I just really want to beat someone up, or say something rude, but I can’t, because that’s not what Jesus would do. Also, masking is just mimicking others, and when they swear, even if we don’t mean to, we’ll probably swear more often then you wish because mirroring is a lost stronger in autistics. Plus, when we do end up swearing or laughing at something vulgar or beating someone up, we end up feeling really guilty because we didn’t mean to, do you think Jesus won’t like us anymore, oh no, I was supposed to be good, and a million other thoughts that make us feel worse.

Autistics mirror by nature, so when people around us do impolite things, we’ll do them too, and pent up anger leads to stronger anger so sometimes we just … need to punch somebody, and then we feel really guilty for it. And no autistic needs that on top of their giant pile of emotions and thoughts to process and regulate, believe me.

I’m either going to be

1: a nun

2: a badass lawyer that goes into politics

3: a Christian lesbian housewife

I literally have no consistency.

real image of God giving me autism

(@bibleillustrated)

Do tell about John Piper! I don’t know much about him other than that Calvinists like him.

OKAY SO. Yeah, he's like the chief of 5-Point Calvinist Theologians. Really the only reason I've read much from him is because a friend (who shall remain nameless unless she chooses otherwise) was having huge issues reading his stuff and was asking me about stuff he'd written and if I agreed with it. I'm, like, a solid 3.5 Calvinist, myself, but that doesn't help me like him honestly, lol.

For the record: Sometimes he says good and helpful things. Sometimes I agree with him. Sometimes. Not that long ago he answered a question about how much jewelry is appropriate for women to wear. Given the title, I was very prepared to be absolutely incensed by his answer, but after reading it...sometimes the dude just needs to work on his titles because I did actually agree with this answer. (Which, if you wondered, he said there's nothing wrong with wearing jewelry; the title came from the question that was asked, which was very misleading.)

All that being said, he also sometimes says really stupid things -- and I'm not talking about things I disagree with from a theological (tenets of Calvinism) prospective. After all, we can still learn a lot by listening to or reading things from people we don't agree with. Rather, sometimes he makes it very clear he does not understand that not all brains work the same way, aka being neurodivergent.

I made that meme quite a while ago in response to a question he received from someone wanting to know how to encourage their autistic Christian friend. One thing he said in response was that the person should not use Scriptures like Psalm 139: 13-16 (the infamous "fearfully and wonderfully made" verses). His reasoning? That applies to everyone, even the most terrible people in the world, like Hitler. Therefore, it is not encouraging to hear that.

So let me tell you a little story about why that advice makes me so upset:

Back when I had just figured out I'm autistic, for some reason or another the #actuallyautistic tag here on tumblr was -once again- talking a whole lot about a ten-year-old ad from Autism Speaks titled "I am Autism" and how horrendous it is (and how we should never let them forget about it when they tried to bury it, which I agree, but that's another rant about how terrible AS is and why no one should support them). Curiosity got the better of me and I looked it up on YouTube. I couldn't even process it the first time. I was so shocked. So I watched it a second time, and then promptly broke down sobbing. (A friend of mine could only stomach watching about the first 30 seconds of it before she turned it off. That should tell you everything right there.) I had never felt so dehumanized in my entire life, and you wanna know what brought me comfort after watching that? Reading Psalm 139, particularly the above verses.

The thing Piper doesn't understand is this: the rest of the world is busy telling us that we're "put together wrong" or that we're "broken" and no one is telling us that's not true. Sometimes when we're struggling it's nice to hear someone remind us that we were created exactly as God intended us to be. (Another good passage, fyi, is Moses and the burning bush, where Moses says he's not good at speaking and God's rebuttal is "is it not I who created the blind and the deaf the way they are?" Yeah. That's a piece of my pastor's sermon from two years ago that still sticks with me, thank-you-very-much.)

That is why it makes me angry. Because people will follow his advice and start not telling us something that we need to hear simply because it's not something he has ever taken comfort in so apparently he cannot fathom anyone else taking comfort in it either.

I'm sure there are probably other articles he's written or answers he's given that have also gotten my goat, but the other big thing that gets me is his recently published book where he asserts that if you don't feel affection towards God then you aren't saved.

On the one hand, I do get his point: having a head-knowledge that God is real and the Bible is true is NOT the same as having saving faith.

But I have two problems with Piper's take on this: 1. Many ND folks (not all, of course, but I am in this category) don't experience emotions or feelings the same way as every one else. Which means affection -- especially the way Piper seems to be describing in his book -- can be a bit of a foreign concept. Speaking solely for myself, I do not feel affection -- at least not in the way you are supposedly supposed to, according to Piper. Having a head-knowledge of the Bible does not equal having faith but here's a crazy ND concept that escapes Piper: sometimes head-knowledge IS affection. I don't spend time on things I don't care about. I don't do deep-dives into topics on things I don't care about. I don't spend time on things that don't bring me joy. The knowledge I have shows where my affections lie, even if I don't experience affection as a feeling, the way Piper says you have to. 2. Affection does not equal love, and love is more important here. As an example: I love my husband very much. I don't always like him (sometimes he drives me nuts, that's just life, and I know I drive him nuts too, haha), but I do always love him. Comparatively, according to Piper, if I don't always feel affection (aka "like") my husband then I must not actually love him. And this is simply not true. Affection is a feeling; love is an action. I don't have to feel any one certain way in order to still love someone -- and that includes God.

I've said it once and I'll willingly say it as many times I have to: we can't rely on our feelings for assurance of salvation because (say it with me now!):

Feelings are Fickle.

And with this book, Piper has made salvation about feelings. So even from a neurotypical perspective, this book is a bad take. But it's even worse for ND folks who simply don't experience feelings the way NTs do. People are going to read this book and start thinking, "well, there's no way I'm saved because I don't feel the RIGHT way, the CORRECT way, the way PIPER is telling me I have to." And I don't think I need to explain further why that's damaging.

And these are just my personal gripes. Other ND friends (specifically the first one I mentioned) have all kinds of troubles reading his stuff, because of terrible wording or answers that aren't thorough enough or conflicting information from what he's said in the past compared to now.

He is, at best, a sincere but incredibly insensitive writer. But it doesn't matter how sincere he is because someone can be very sincerely damaging to other believers.

And someday he's going to have to answer for that.

short poem-like thing inspired by this post, because i'm feeling better today than i have in a little while:

and in this moment, i love god!!! i love them as the lizard loves the resting arm!!! unable to comprehend!!! unable to fully reciprocate!!! small!!! sleepy!!! warmth-seeking animal!!! and they are before me, and i have the instincts of prey!!! and yet and yet and yet AND YET!!! i bite back the fear!!! and this arm will be my resting place!!! AND NOTHING HERE SHALL HARM ME. I SHALL SLEEP IN THE CURVE OF YOUR ARM AND I WILL NOT UNDERSTAND HOLINESS. BUT I WILL UNDERSTAND WARMTH. AND I WILL BE SAFE.

(This post will be about Christianity, Church, God, ect, if you aren't comfortable with that don't read it or comment mean stuff. I'm posting this for those who can relate or are exploring Christianity, or even just people who don't hate me for my faith i guess, because I just want to share this feeling.)

I think the main reason I'm able to keep going is God. I feel like if I didn't have God I would be so damn weak on my own that I'd just give up. Like.. I have never been to therapy, or talked to people about my problems beyond venting to my friends or strangers on tumblr or helpline-type-websites, and it's so hard. Without God I honestly don't know what I'd do.

For the first time in weeks, maybe months, for a couple years actually if im being honest, I really want to be alive right now. That doesn't take my problems away, but my faith will help me through. Through my anxiety, dysphoria, depression, all my hatred and all the struggles I face from being ND.

I just wanted to share that, because for once, because of my faith, I'm actually ok right now.

Me @ a lot of Christian theologians/ bloggers:

What I learnt from my bible study today :) -

- proverbs 16:9 -

“ In their hearts, humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” - proverbs 16:9 NIV / MSG

There are going to be re-routes in life, when we travel unfamiliar places that weren’t originally in our plan. We’ll learn eventually, that was the best way to go ! God is the prince of peace, we’re in good hands, peaceful hands. In reality, we can’t rely on our own plans, God is the upmost high and has a much better look at the big picture. :)

We live, breathe and are able to do the things we love because of him and live in the blessings he’s given us ! :D

- I hope this encouraged you, friend ! The Lord loves you. You don’t have to “clean yourself up”, he gets it! And he adores his creation just the way u are. :D

What happens when I turn and run again? And again and again? (I will forgive you.) And what happens when I lie to your face? (I will forgive you.) Oh, my God, I can be so defiant to someone whose arms stretch to me! (I will forgive.) Don't give up on me. Don't give up on me! (I have forgiven you!)

Oh, Sleeper

If you wanna learn what Christianity is beyond the homophobic, racist and sexist Bible thumpers portray it is my messages and asks are always open.

My friend: Y’know, there’s a theory that G. K. Chesterton was actually autistic.

Me, an autistic: ...that would explain a lot, actually.

Lonely

I'm an autistic conservative Christian. The loneliness is real. 💔

Praise God anyway!

IDs: A black and white graphic of four open mouths with the words “It’s not blasphemy God wronged me first.” The second image is the same graphic inverted. ED.

The Exorcists’ Masks of Virtue

The vast majority of Exorcists in Hazbin Hotel have a notable design element that other angels don’t: their masks are missing an eye. Specifically, the right eye.

I believe this is a reference to the Bible, Matthew 5:29. Jesus says, “If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.”

He’s being hyperbolic. Mr Free Healthcare was not pro-mutilation. What he means is that you have to be willing to make sacrifices to prevent sin. The context of the eye metaphor is him condemning adultery and warning that even something as easy, casual and small as a look full of lustful intent can lead to further, worse sin if you don’t notice your sin, hold yourself accountable for it and do the work to not let it influence your decisions. This will probably be hard. It could be very, very painful. Changing your perspective can feel as horrible as plucking out your eye, so many people can’t bring themselves to do it. But although it won’t feel that way in the moment, it’s healthier for our general wellbeing in the long run to abandon traits and behaviours that damage ourselves and/or others.

(You may notice that Jesus’s teaching that you can have sinned, redeem yourself by giving up sin and thus escape damnation is the founding principle of the Hazbin Hotel. You may also notice that it contradicts everything the Exorcists believe.)

The Exorcists seem to follow this idea of painfully excising badness for the sake of the greater good devoutly to the point of placing it above teachings like ‘Thou shalt not kill’, with their job being to remove sin, in the form of sinners, to protect Heaven. Hence the missing right eyes. They’re a declaration of moral righteousness and inability to stumble.

But the truth is that the Exorcists all have their right eyes. Their flawlessness is a facade. Underneath, they are untouched, think themselves morally untouchable and, as shown by their horror and outrage when even one of them is killed, would much rather be physically untouchable too. This perfectly represents their complete unwillingness to acknowledge their own faults, let alone improve. They are never the ones who sacrifice. They force the sinners to sacrifice and don’t compensate it with any salvation. They metaphorically rip out the sinners’ eyes, but still condemn their entire bodies as inherently, permanently sinful. So they’ll just have to do another Extermination to get the other eyes! And another one to cut off their right hands! And so on until there’s nothing left.

The only exception to the rule is Vaggie, both in appearance and character. Her mask has the left eye crossed out instead. Even before her expulsion, she’s set apart to the audience as an Exorcist who has the capacity to, shall we say, see a different side of things. Her mask having its ‘sinful’ right eye reflects her understanding that the Exorcist worldview is wrong.

When she almost kills a demon child, her hateful vision clears. She discards the part of herself that’s an unquestioning, merciless agent of death, terror and grief… and as punishment for what Lute perceives as treacherous weakness, gets her eye plucked out.

Of course Lute leaves her with only the ‘sinful’ eye. It brands Vaggie forever as the inversion, a perversion, of what the Exorcists are meant to be.

You know, all this talk of eye removal in the Bible reminds of another line - ‘an eye for an eye’. Adam directly quotes it in “Hell is Forever��. He uses it to frame the Exterminations as Old Testament-style punitive justice; the sinners did harm and so they receive it. But putting aside the debate about how ethical the concept of revenge is, the entire point of taking an eye for an eye is that it’s proportional. The punishment fits the crime. If someone cuts your eye out, you shouldn’t murder their whole family in front of them and then slowly disembowel them to death. That would be the sin of wrath. You should just make them pay without excessive pain or collateral damage. This is the fairest form of revenge.

The Exorcists don’t do that! The Exterminations aren’t proportional to the wrongs of all they hurt, nor was Vaggie’s brutal punishment equivalent to her extremely mild insubordination. Lute literally takes Vaggie’s eye, and more, after Vaggie does nothing to her! That’s the opposite of the phrase! Adam and his soldiers are wrathful and cruel, deriving satisfaction from others’ suffering. But they just can’t stop going on and on about how disgustingly evil the sinners are, in total hypocrisy… despite some of the sinners being far better people than the genocidal Exorcists are… it’s like they’re obsessed with specks of dust in the sinners’ eyes when they have massive logs stuck in their own. Oh hey, that’s in the Bible too!

Leverage 2x6 - "The Top Hat Job"